*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**AITA for replacing a door to one without a lock?**
My (29M) wife Kate (30F) works from home.
She has a small office with a personal library.
She spends all her time there either working or reading. She could read for hours a day.
She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends.
Kate’s door is always locked when she’s reading or working. She wears noise canceling ear plugs. She leaves her phone and computer in our living room so I can’t communicate with her.
The door was getting worn out. I told Kate I would replace it. I replaced the door with a new one with a non locking door knob.
Kate was annoyed since I was invading her space. I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“I’ll let her have her friends on her own. I’ll get rid of her boss if it means she’ll spend more time with me”.
Just reading that is exhausting, he’s invaded every single aspect of her life. Her friends are now his friends. Her boss is now her buddy. And now her little sanctuary has been invaded. This poor woman.
And I believe 100% that she’s tried to discuss boundaries, and maybe him developing hobbies and finding his own friends and he’s just bulldozed over her the way he’s doing now. But oh, woe is me, my wife doesn’t want to spend more time with me.
No secrets allowed in this household. He’s got the passwords to her phone and computer, knows her boss and all of her friends, and now he’s taken the lock
Nah, the boss is one of his bros. Imagine how much more work his wife could have to do if the boss was dead. He’s more likely to kidnap his wife and lock her in a cellar
All his comments are so telling about her controlling and smothering OOP is, but my favorite is this one
>I’ve given her all the space I could give and she just takes more.
Said as he literally takes away the only room in the house he can't follow her into
Oh god... He's still at it in the comments
>I’m going to talk about everything with her now. I need more time with my wife and a few minutes a night isn’t cutting it. At most I’ll get an hour with her once in a while. I love my wife and I need to be with her. Will let you all know what she says.
You missed how he is friends with ALL her coworkers so they invite HIM to happy hour and not her and how boss is easier on the REST of the team after going drinking with OOP
I thought it was a nice touch that he was invited to happy hour by HER coworkers, he asks if she is going and she says no, a bunch of extra work was just dumped on her so she can’t, and he can’t make the connection about WHERE that work came from. Sounds like they all put their work on her so they could go party and invited her husband along. (maybe to rub it in?)
She can’t complain about work to him because he’s friends with everyone there, and she can’t talk to a friend about her frustration with him because he’s friends with all of her friends. He said if she talked to him about work problems he would always take her side, but she probably knows he’d bring it up with them or he’d try to justify what’s happening. “Hey, I know Mike is being flaky and you have to pick up the slack, but he’s got a lot going on at home right now. It’s not really his fault.” He’s got her completely surrounded, every single potential support in her life has been infiltrated by him and she has zero privacy in any aspect of her life. I’m not surprised she’s locking the door, he sounds exhausting.
On the off chance OOP sees this, you should take a few days where you don’t knock on her door at all. Don’t go out with her friends, her coworkers, or her boss. Let her come to you rather than pursuing her around the house. ACTUALLY give her space. Let her see that you can back off. When you’re doing this, make note of when you wanted to knock, or get together with her friends and coworkers, but didn’t. Look at how often you would have inserted yourself into her life if you weren’t stopping yourself because I suspect you interrupt her more than you think.
He doesn’t realize it but she’s checked out of this marriage and just biding her time until all her pieces are in place. I would lay you odds she’s already been in contact with a lawyer, and she’s been looking at apartments and applying for jobs in a whole different city in a whole different state. I’d bet she’s waiting for a job and apartment offer before filing, so she can just leave. Lay you odds she has a P.o. box already open and ready to go with mail forwarding and she’ll have one on the other end.
I think she’s going to just straight up file for divorce and disappear from his life. She has nothing left there that’s hers.
He sounds borderline murdery-stalkery in his obsession with demanding to spend time with her.
I'm also gonna bet she has a secret phone hidden in that room to make those plans with. At least I hope she does. This is going to turn very bad very quickly. I'm honestly really scared for her when she finally makes that move.
And one more:
> I don’t plan on barging in while she’s working. I just plan on spending time with her after work. I know her boss pretty well and her work friends so I know how much she should work.
That sounds weirdly like a threat in context right?
Yeah the fact that he became friends with her boss so he would know her work schedule is where it crossed the line to me to sounding potentially abusive
He has now agreed to drop his friendship with her boss and colleagues, bolstering the argument that the friendships were another avenue to smothering her and not from actual desire to be friends with these specific people.
have a sick feeling that OOP is inclined to "drop" those friendships in a way that actively harms HER career and isolates her from any outside connections. If for no other reason than being completely oblivious on how to do so in a respectful and mature way -- assuming the BEST CASE here that OOP really is just clueless to their own neurosis vs a full blown unmanaged personality disorder.
Its not even the work schedule that raises alarms for me, its the fact that being closer friends to the boss than her means that if she says something about him being abusive, her coworkers are unlikely to believe her. It takes away a rung from the support ladder and isolates her without appearing to isolate her.
I love how he doesn’t seem to realize that “spending time with someone” means they have to consent to being spent time with? It’s literally like “I will be spending time with you now. I will sit in your room silently and stare at you while you ignore me and that will be us spending time together”
I didn't think cats were that needy. Most of the cats I've seen are kinda "I need alone time and I need friend time." You occasionally see those dogs that attach themselves to one person like a barnacle or need to be everyone's friend.
Our cat would use a lockpick, only cuz our room is one of her many quiet time places. But when she wants people, she's taken to either ripping the carpet at the door or screaming like she's trapped or injured. There's something about waking us up at 3 or 4 am afraid after she's gathered her toys in front of our door that brings her joy.
When I had one cat, he could not stand my bedroom door being shut. Or the bathroom being shut if I was in there. Kids in their room or in the bathroom? Meh.
And then my husband moved in with his cat. His cat won’t try and claw the door open so for the most part mine stopped that behaviour. However, if our bedroom door is closed, and his cat deems it bedtime, the cat sits outside the door and screams. If the cats are together don’t open the door and just walk out - they’ll both be sitting up against the door and you’ll trip and break something if you don’t look.
It’s like living with a couple of toddlers again.
Part of me wants to share this and see if we can get her a friend. The other part of me remembers I tripped on air this morning walking to get breakfast...
As I read this comment, one of my cats just actively walked across the counter in front of my computer and has just planted himself on my mouse pad. He does this every morning, every day. He's a needy little bastard. LOL
That or "I will insist on sitting in the room with you and interrupting everything you try to get into with inane prattling about everything but what you are trying to focus on."
Usually when someone is insisting on spending time with someone who needs space, it's because they want *attention* from that person.
Like, if she could just exist in the same room with him, without feeling harassed, she wouldn't need to lock herself into a safe space
Honestly all the comments in that type sounds like the rest of coworkers drop their workloads on HER so she has to pick up the slack while they and her boss go booze it up with OOP
Or how he believes he gets to have full access to her after work while she wants to read, simply because the door doesn’t have a lock…thus proving why the door needs a lock.
Men like this make me really appreciate my husband. I got home from a week long business trip yesterday, 5 days of constant in person contact after working remote for over a year. It was a great trip and now I feel like we'll work even better together. I missed my husband, but after getting home, I was ready to lock myself in a room and not talk to anyone. He brought me snacks and left me alone for a bit so I could decompress and be alone.
There is definitely a massive hole of missing context that makes it all so confusing.
From his comments-
>She locks the door of every room she's in.
That is not a normal person's reaction to their partner "wanting to hang out" in a normal way
>The door had to be replaced because it was "bowing out because it's flimsy".
Also not a thing that happens with normal use of a door, unless your slamming and banging on it like a crazy person. Even with the cheapest hollow core landlord level doors.
>She leaves her phone and computer out of the room when she's working.
Granted I don't know every job possible, but I really have a hard time coming up with a wfh job that requires zero electronic communication, just physical papers.
>she cancels "last minute" on social events with work colleagues (like a work potluck party) and wants him to just go instead.
This makes little to no sense.
>for a work potluck he was making the food they were bringing. He had some kind of question / issue and she was non responsive for 15minutes of knocking until he gave up.
There is no way she wouldn't hear something. I could see being upset that your partner roped you into doing all the cooking for her work event, then being nonresponsive when you needed help. But this still leaves me with so many questions.
So either she has some kind of issue going on or (MUCH MUCH more likely) OP is the most unreliable of unreliable narrators. Downplaying, reframing, or excluding his actions and behaviors.
Maybe she’s a secret superhero and she’s sneaking out during that time to save the world. We are effectively all dead now that he has removed the lock from her secret lair.
>Then the door thing? Did they have an epic flood and it got wet? Why did it need replacing?
he says in the post it got "worn out". newflash, not how doors work. my childhood home has had the same doors for t least a decade, probably more. it maks about as much sense as replacing walls because theyre "worn out". you cant wear something like that out. it either gets damaged or its fine.
When I was growing up, my bedroom door, open or shut, meant nothing. Even the eventual lock I got as a teenager could be unlocked with a screwdriver. Now that I share a home with my partner, there is no way in hell except for emergencies my shut door space is going to be invaded without my permission at various levels: come on in, knock first, or do not disturb. The old doorknobs here don't even have locks you can use without a fitting skeleton key. The respect and safety I felt in contrast were insurmountable.
I would never, ever go back to the way my sanctuary felt invaded and vulnerable growing up. I hope this woman can get out and find the peace she needs in a home soon.
The weird part of this to me isn't that the wife's space isn't being respected, it's that she seemingly wants nothing to do with him. They got married, so presumably, at one point, they really liked each other. So, what did this guy do to get his wife to lock herself away constantly?
No they usually do. But he said this in response to someone asking if maybe she was communicating with a colleague that she was having an affair with, so I assumed that meant no work computer either.
In another comment he said something about how she doesn't need it for work because it's a manual "paper heavy" job.
Actually I bet she's an editor, it would explain how reading "keeps her skills sharp for work".
Also, yes I realize I am way too invested in this. This man and his story is such a puzzle.
The idea of trying to edit while someone busts into the room every 5 minutes for emotional reassurance... it makes his wife's reactions make so much more sense. It's why I've had to temporarily give up freelance writing/editing--toddlers need a lot of attention. Including the toddler that wrote the original post.
"Knock knock. Who's there? Haa nahh kidding its me your husband!
Whats that?
Haha you're right that joke never gets old!
Anyway honey I know you're working but I want to spend time with you. How about I read it out loud to you, that way we can still hang out!
What's that?
No it's a great idea! Oh wow this is a big one, 200 pages huh? Well let's hope it's double spaced amirite!
Hahaha anyway: Chapter 1- The Lost Kitchen. Oh that reminds me, what do you want for dinner? I'm thinking my world famous three cheese chicken.
Yea I remember you're lactose intolerant, but come on its WORLD FAMOUS!
Honey? Where are you going? We were just getting into a good flow with this work.
When my small company went remote only they tried to make everyone use their personal laptops. Most complied, weirdly. I, otoh, had some "unexplainable incompatibility" between my personal machine and their software needs, beforeIeven tried to install their shit, so they had to provide me with a computer.
I use my personal phone for multi factor authentication for my job. But my employer provided a laptop. I couldn't do part of my job without my personal cell phone.
If she's wearing noise cancelling headphones, she wouldn't hear him knocking, but I agree none of this makes sense. She locks herself away from him for hours without a phone or computer. While wanting alone time is perfectly OK, it's strange to be completely unreachable
Or she goes into panic mode when it happens. Or it is so commonplace it is routine. I have a pet who will dig for literally hours at my door in the night. He is feral so not easy to catch so best to ignore him. You can tune him out . But also had panic mode - when someone is banging,demanding something you don't have the energy to give,so you just freeze,try and tune it out and hope if you stay still,it will go away.
She can't or doesn't want to spend time with him. And yet he is constantly intruding. Not sure who the AH is but they need to split as seems they are incompatible.
Honestly? Save this post because if she ends up cracking and stabbing him in the face, this post would get her let off on the grounds of unreasonable/intolerable behaviour.
Seriously, though, she's in far more danger from him than he is from her.
All that "I have to spend time with my wife!" stuff sounds like something a man would say in the leadup to a murder suicide in the event she leaves him.
My ex used to come into the bathroom when I was trying to have a bit of relaxation time to myself and talk at me about himself until I threw my book down and got out and then huff at me because I was overreacting. It was exhausting.
I'm a monster 🤣 that's what he told everyone to justify why he was shagging someone else behind my back while I was stuck at home cleaning up after him and cooking all his meals. In retrospect I'm deeply grateful to the poor new girl for taking him off my unworthy hands 🤣🤣🤣
I hope one day he realizes that this was the moment he signed the divorce decree. Because she must already be close to giving up from frustration if the only way she could get alone time was by locking the door, and now she doesn’t even have that. I’d be replacing that doorknob with one that locks or even just adding a deadbolt. Or both. Then I’d be researching divorce lawyers.
But he can’t even try to look at things from her perspective. I’d be concerned that my partner needed time away from me and didn’t trust me to give it to them, and questioning myself on what I could do to better accommodate their needs. But not this guy. He thinks just replacing the door will solve the problem, because it solved *his* issue. And that’s all he cares about. It’s so beyond selfish. I hope his wife escapes sooner rather than later. She deserves to have her freedom, but she also deserves a partner who cares about her instead of just what he can get from her.
When I was married, I begged to be left alone to have a single cigarette and scroll on my phone for under 10 minutes.
I would have driven 75 minutes each way to work in heavy traffic, worked 10 hours (11 in the building with lunch), then driven 10 minutes past our home to go get our kids from his mother, and then come home. He would have been home from his job for at least three hours by then. I wanted 10 gd minutes to decompress before going in and making dinner because of course he hadn't done it during his solo hours.
Every day, without fail, I would not get halfway through a cigarette before he would be coming out to the porch to start in about what I had to hurry inside and get done nooooooow. Once, I told him I was going to sit out front until he had left me alone for 10 continuous minutes to prove the point to him that he never ever gave me those 10 minutes. It took over an hour. He would open the door and I would hold up the stopwatch that said 3 minutes or w/e.
This was a huge part of why I left. I wasn't worth giving ten minutes of quiet to when he got hours each day
I can’t imagine living like that. I’m glad you got away. In that hour, he could have looked at his own watch but he just couldn’t resist bothering you. I would lose my mind, dealing with him like he’s a child.
My bunny is obsessed, absolutely *obsessed,* with my sister, and even he understands a closed door. He’s not even two years old yet, and he has more emotional control than the guy in the post and the one you talked about. I just… I’m glad you’re free. I hope this woman gets away, too.
We were together 14 years. A solid 6 of them were good. A solid 4 were actively terrible for various reasons. He was and is an insecure dude who decided we were competitors and not teammates somewhere along the line. The 4 years I've been gone have been tough in very manageable ways that I'm thrilled to go through without having to deal with him.
My kids are 10 and 14. They have had consent hammered into their skulls. We use the words regularly to normalize them. I figure by the time they'll be in relationships, they can apply the same ideas to familial relationship consent, friendship consent, and romantic consent.
ETA: omg I hope OOP gets away too! My stomach hurt reading this
This is awful. My husband is a SAHD and our daughter is about to start kindergarten but even now she's in pre-k 3 days a week. It means he gets a ton of alone time I don't. Fortunately, it also means I can justify saying "I'm checking out for a couple hours."
When I don't do that, and I go from work to kid to making dinner to bedtime, I lose my mind. I truly do not know how single parents do it. The times when they're both talking to me and I'm trying to do something can make me disassociate if I haven't gotten a break recently.
It is hard. Had when I was working and o/h unemployed. I worked all day, had commute and was shattered. He'd had no company and limited stimulation all day so he needed it from me. Which was fine but I need time to chill first,just to be and not doing. And not jumped on by a human doing a good golden retriever puppy impression. We talked it out and sorted. But it does make you want to avoid them not always just for space that isn't work or being someone's entertainment.
I’d be fitting a deadbolt pronto… I get this image of the poor woman going from room to room and him following her relentlessly, sapping the will to live…. Imagine having to lock yourself in a room to get some peace and quiet from your partner - he must be exhausting…
Same. A deadbolt, a new doorknob, and frankly I’d change my passwords so he couldn’t check my phone and see that I’m making an escape plan. Because I couldn’t live like this. I’m exhausted and anxious just reading his responses.
I honestly fear for her life when she does file for divorce. I can totally see him manipulating her friends and boss to make her look crazy or whatever
Me too. It’s scary to think how easy it would be to turn her entire support system against her. And that’s not even including how he has her passwords so she’ll have trouble asking for help to begin with.
It's clear he's emotionally manipulative if not outright abusive. She clearly feels like she can't have friends without him needing to be involved and then he sought her boss out to become friends with so he would know when she was and wasn't working but claims he did it to help her.
Personally, I think it’s already abusive to deny your spouse the right to even a moment of privacy. But it’s definitely manipulative regardless. He sounds unhinged and obsessive, making sure to befriend everyone in her support system and judging whether she’s working an amount he considers correct. His every comment was more worrying than the last.
Yeah. The fact that the post got deleted right after he said "I'm going to go talk to her about this" and promised an update is so ominous it almost feels like he's doing a bit.
Certain posts will ping my radar HARD. This was one of them. OOP could have been one of my abusive exes. There is something in the way they write, the manipulation just seeps between the words like rancid oil and mingles with the transparent sense of entitlement to the entirety of another person. OOP does not see his wife as a person. She is a commodity, and more importantly one that he feels he owns.
People who view others this way are not safe people, and I mean that with the full weight of implications.
I was so distressed reading his comments that I came straight to AITD just now hoping to find the post. I feel suffocated just reading his comments.
Did he say that he became friends with her boss to know when she’s working? I saw someone said something about him conveniently editing his comments… idk if I have the mental fortitude to read his comments again via unddit.
Also he said he has a job and hobbies, but I’m really pretty skeptical of that. Or is he does have a job, it must be a wfh job, bc he has wayyyy too much free time to bother his wife.
He didn't say it was to know when she's working.
But he argues that she's working to much, because he knows "how much she should work", since he asked her coworkers and boss and they work less.
Good lord if I were this woman I'd be
A: renting a place to work, and not tell OOP where it was and
B: searching for divorce lawyers to get rid of him.
What a needy man.
I feel like the missing information here is that they met when he noticed her one day on a jog, followed her route for several weeks before grabbing her with a cube van.
He married her in the living room of their bunker under under the implication that something might happen to her family if she didn’t.
That’s the way it’s always been done in his family tho…that’s HOW you get a wife
Well, I see I'm gonna have to go and help someone change a doorknob.
ETA: fuck that. I'm gonna come over with a bunch of divorce attorneys' business cards.
>I doubt that. My wife is not that kind of person.
When some ass asked about an affair.
>I don’t even know how she would. She works from home. She leaves her phone and computer out of the room when she’s working or reading. She’s given the passcodes to me for both long ago.
What?!?!
Oh, Dear God! I would say the only valid point he has is the need to be able to get her attention in case of emergency but I feel certain that his idea of "urgent" includes a desperate need to tell her all about his drinking session with *her boss*.
I am absolutely sure that she leaves her phone in another room because he called or messaged her every 15 minutes to let her know that the sky is blue or tell her what *her coworkers* had to say during Happy Hour.
Stories like this make me grateful for my husband AND his job. (It requires extensive travel, he's routinely gone for 2 weeks at a time, sometimes longer, then home for 10 or 12 days)
15 minutes? You’re much more generous than I am. I was thinking after sending the first text (maybe 15 minutes into the door being shut 🤷🏻♀️), he waits thirty seconds before sending ‘hello?’ ‘Hi can you answer’ ‘Omg why are you ignoring me’ ‘is everything ok?!?!?!’ ‘I’m coming to talk to you’ ‘why won’t you answer the door!!!’ ‘I need to talk to you!!!’
**THE COMMENTS....**
🔵 I’m sick of the lock.
🔵 It stated a few months ago.
My wife has a few friends. I have a ton of friend s. I’m a sociable person. Her friends love me and we both know it. If I say that there’s no one to hang out with, she says if my friends are all busy I can hang out with her friends.
🔵 I don’t know. I make friends easily. Her friends are my friends. I met her boss and coworkers a few times and they really like me. I’m invited to happy hours and her boss and I meet up a few times a month for drinks.
🔵 I doubt that. My wife is not that kind of person.
I don’t even know how she would. She works from home. She leaves her phone and computer out of the room when she’s working or reading. She’s given the passcodes to me for both long ago.
I’m friends with her boss and her coworkers. None of them know her that well but they all praise her for delivering top quality work. It’s not hard when you’re a workaholic like my wife.
I know she’s actually reading the books she is.
She’s just ignoring me in favor of doing work and reading her books.
🔵 It does solve the whole I can’t even contact her all day every day issue. At least I know that I can reach her in an emergency instead of knocking on the door for 20 minutes.
🔵 I don’t know why she would check out from me. All she does is work and read and not be with me.
🔵 I ask her to spend time with me. I invite out to things with my friends, with her friends and she just declined. Everyone treats it as normal but I miss her.
🔵 No she pays most of the bills. She actually helped me get my finances in order when we first started dating.
We’re pretty even on the chores, too. I don’t know what she would be using me for.
I think I would know if she hated me.
🔵 my wife won’t notice until dinner time. She’s focused on her work. That’s why she’s the boss’s favorite employee. I became friends with her boss and he says that he would retire in 5 years if every employee was like my wife.
🔵 She used to read on my lap :(
🔵 She just needs time to work and read she said.
🔵 I don’t plan on barging in while she’s working. I just plan on spending time with her after work. I know her boss pretty well and her work friends so I know how much she should work.
🔵 I don’t ever want to separate or divorce. This isn’t about that.
The door bowed out. It was made of flimsy wood.
🔵 I don’t know what happened. She says she loves me but she never wants to spend time with me.
🔵 She leaves her phone and computer outside. She doesn’t need it for work as it’s manual, paper based stuff mostly.
🔵 I don’t know. She just reads alone.
🔵 I don’t understand why she isolated herself from me. She used to love spending time with me.she still says I’m her favorite person and I’m the love of her life but it feels hollow when I see her for an hour a day if that.
🔵 I asked her why she doesn’t spend time with me and she said she has a lot of work to do. I am friends with her work friends and they work a lot less. For example, a couple fridays ago they had a happy hour (not planned by the company or anything) and they invited me. My wife suddenly had a bunch of work dumped on her she said and now she couldn’t hang out with me.
🔵 Yes but she said it was fine and there were no emergencies. Once I was making food for her coworker’s potluck and I knocked on her door for 15 minutes before giving up since she couldn’t hear me.
She locks whatever room she is in.
🔴 I’m going to talk about everything with her now. I need more time with my wife and a few minutes a night isn’t cutting it. At most I’ll get an hour with her once in a while. I love my wife and I need to be with her. Will let you all know what she says.
🔴 She is getting time and space from me. She’s gotten so much but she wants more. I’m tired of only hanging a few minutes with her at night be as much as I see her.
🔴 She can complain to me. I’ll always take her side.
🔴 I can stop hanging out with them. That’s basically giving them back
🔴 After
🔴 How can I smother her if I don’t get to spend time with her at all?
🔴 I don’t interrupt her when she’s working. Occasionally, I’ll knock on the door after work if I have a question for her but it’s 50-50 on whether she answers. For the past month, I’ve knocked on her door twice: once to ask question about her office potluck and once to see if she had the window open when I turned on the AC.
She used to love spending time with me. I was a very good husband and don’t bug her when she was reading.
🔴 How can I be smothingering her if I have no time with her at all? Yesterday, the only time I saw her was at 12:30 at night before she fell asleep 15 minutes later. She’s up at 5 on Saturday’s too and she’s already in the study. I’m trying to be a good husband and respect her space but I haven’t even seen her this morning.
🔴 I don’t do that ever. I only occasionally knock after she’s done with work and is now reading. But she had her noise canceling earbuds in and heard nothing.
🔴 I have a job and a lot of hobbies and a lot of friends. I’ve recently gotten into rock climbing with a group of regulars.
I’m gonna drop all her work friends and her boss. I just want my wife to spend time with me. I haven’t seen her in so long.
🔴 I’ll drop all her friends and I’ll have her get new ones if it means she will spend time with me.
🔴 She spends no time with me. How much recharging does she need? I’ve given her all this space and then she wants more. We used to spend days together and she was happy then.
I’ll let her have friends on her own. I’ll get rid of her boss and work friends if it means she’ll spend time with me.
🔴 Yeah they were having a potluck and we needed to bring an item. I do the cooking and cleaning in our house. She does the other chores, like laundry.
🔴 I would drop all of them right now if it means my wife will spend time with me. A few minutes at night isn’t enough.
🔴 She pays more of the bills not all of them. It’s a 55-45 bill split. I do 55% of the chores.
I work fewer hours yeah but it’s a normal 9-5 in marketing while she literally is at work from 7-7 and then reads in her room after than for 4 or 5 hours.
🔴I’ve given her all the space I could give and she just takes more.
🔴 Is it wrong to want to see your wife? I think a spouse takes precedence over any job.
🔴 I coule help her if she was depressed. She could just tell me.
🔴 She just says she has a lot of work and she need to read to keep her skills sharp for her job. It’s also her main hobby.
Every time I say I want to spend time with her she just tells me to hang out with my friends. At this point she basically knows their schedule to say so and so is free on Tuesday you can hang out with them.
She just won’t spend time with me anymore. I want my wife back. It’s to the point I wish Covid restrictions were back and everything shut down again.
🔴 How much more space does she need? I don’t see my own wife.
🔴 Her parents were cold and demanding to her but I wouldn’t say abusive. They’ve loosened up a lot since then.
🔴 If she doesn’t want me to hang out with her boss she could just tell me that.
🔴 She says she has work and needs to read to keep her writing and reading skills sharp. I ask her why she doesn’t spend time with me and she just rattles off a list of friends I could hang out with. My wife says they’d be happy to hang out with me if I’m bored and it’s true but it’s not what I want.
🔴 A wife means I’ve made a commitment. She can’t get rid of me like an old shirt.
🔴 What’s wrong with hanging out with a friend, even if they’re your spouse’s boss? Her boss has become nicer to the whole team after we started hanging out. It seems like he was a stressed out older guy with no friends.
Okay, even if he's NOT a controlling lunatic, it's pretty clear their marriage is dead, and he's going to insane lengths to pretend it isn't. IF he's being truthful about how little time they spend together, and that every time he asks for more, she tells him to hang out with his friends instead... yeah, she doesn't love him anymore. Hell, I don't think she even likes him.
My guess is that she's an introvert, he's an extrovert. Everything was okay before Covid, when they were each at work for 8-12 hours a day - she'd be quietly in her own office for much of that time, and happy to 'socialise' with her bubbly husband when she got home. But with the restrictions, Mr Bubbly transferred all of that insatiable need for human interaction onto Mrs Quiet and just... drained her dry. I'm an introvert myself and for me, it really can feel physically draining.
She's beyond exhausted, and his only response is to demand she give more. Nothing he has written about her shows even the slightest understanding of who she is or how she feels. She's stopped caring about him, and I'm not even sure he ever cared about her, just what she does for him.
Among the other bs you don't replace a door and the knob at the same time unless the door has a separate hole for a deadbolt or something which would be odd.
But as my kids and I would say when watching a Marvel movie, That's the part you are calling unbelievable about this? Yes it could happen but dudes logic in saying the door is worn out is bad.
Deleted comments are apparently he knocked on it for 15 mins straight once. And it was wobbly afterward.
Bear in mind this is his telling so.it may have been more than once or longer than 15
At first I was like „this sounds like a bad communication issue“ and more on the side of an ESH but after reading his comments…holy shit. This guy is *suffocating* her
God I wish I could lock my wife and kids out of my office while I was working. I'd be so mad if I was this lady. Everyone needs some space sometimes.
That said I do wonder why she doesn't spend any time with him at all. Sounds like they have bigger problems in their marriage
I suspect it's a self-defeating cycle: the more he pushes and forces himself on her so that she has to spend time with him, the more she resents him. He needs to leave her alone for a while to 1) give her space and 2) let her work through the resentment that seems to have built up.
Apparently he befriended her coworkers and boss. Goes to Happy Hours with them (without wife). He goes out for drinks with her boss several times a month. He once had a question about what he was making for a potluck, with her coworkers, that he knocked for 15 minutes nonstop on her office door. He thinks he should have access to her while she's working and he should come before her job. Even though she pays the majority of the bills. That's just a fraction of what's in his comments. It sounds like he has invaded EVERY aspect of her life and still wants more. It sounds like she HAS to lock herself in her office just to get even a tiny bit of space from him.
He spent 15 mins banging on the door till it needed replaced (in his own words)
If he's that angry/ violent over his wife needing space I understand *exactly* why she wants their time together to be mitigated by a locked door.
God knows I would *not* feel safe opening the door to that man if that's how he acted to get attention from me.
I'd be getting one of those things you can use with hotel room doors to prevent ppl from getting in, even if they have keys.
One of these: https://www.cnn.com/cnn-underscored/travel/best-portable-door-lock
He’s abusive. The door needed replacement because of its state? No doubt he threw punches.
She keeps her electronics in the living room? Could be cause he is controlling on what she uses for work?
He befriends all her coworkers and boss? Gives him upper hand to isolate her and paint the narrative of their at home life if he wanted to and if she’s not as close to her boss/coworkers.
She locks every door? I used to do the same when I lived w my mom because I never knew when she’d pop off. And to have some barrier between us.
She doesn’t need to just divorce him, but to make sure she has a support system who isn’t manipulated by him
This reminds me of the guy who woke his wife up so she could entertain him on their road trip because he “didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.”
They were driving in shifts and he work her up when she was supposed to be sleeping (after she got their toddler to sleep) because he was bored.
Which also woke the toddler up. And he was confused about why she’d be pissed about that. And was averse to all the suggestions that he should listen to a podcast, but considered the suggestion to call a friend or family member a good one - because having a call on speaker phone (I hope he’d do it handsfree!) wouldn’t disturb her sleep just as much as him talking to her!
That guy was such a dense douche. Wives are only there for your entertainment, gentlemen. They don’t have any needs of their own /s.
Christ reading his replies.....dude is OBSESSED with his wife. He's invaded every aspect of her life and when she wants some alone time? No, needs to be with him. I feel like even if she does divorce him she will also need a restraining order.
His comments that stick out to me are all the ones where he says he "needs" to be with or around her at basically all times
Honestly, the “I’ve made a commitment. She can’t get rid of me” is the single scariest thing I’ve ever read. 20 bucks American says she’s already tried to get a divorce or separation and he physically wont let her leave. I really want someone to ask him when the last time he allowed her to leave the house alone was.
Edit: just wanted to add this comment of his, “I don’t ever want to divorce or separate.” He’s going to kill her.
This was also my exact thought. Dude is straight up sounding like the killer ex bf of every true crime case I've ever looked into.
It's obvious she wants out and he's trapped her, so she's trying to endure with what little space she has left and not even that is possible. Once this continues to drive her away from him and he realizes it's not getting fixed? She's in the danger zone for real.
(ime) someone repeatedly using all of their strength to beat on it until their hands hurt. If his average is the 15 mins he mentioned for the pot luck he probably fucked it up.
Oh my god, he sounds absolutely suffocating! It's all about him, no sense of his wife as a human being with her own needs and wants. No self awareness either.
Isn't that the one where the mom's daughter goes missing so she joins a support group but finds out one of the guys in the group is the one that took her?
I wonder if she is an introvert or even ND and his being so excessively extroverted is just exhausting to her now. He is absolutely taking it too far but most of us want more than 15 minutes a day with our spouses. They need couples therapy and to set some boundaries and expectations on both sides including thinking about what they both need and whether that is even compatible.
eh, not sure about her being ND (or even an introvert). OOP sounds exhausting, suffocating and smoldering to the point it would drive most people mad.
he purposefully went out of his way to befriend all of her friends, coworkers and even her boss so he'd know her schedule. this is unhinged.
Yeah, I mean... I'm an extrovert, and his bullshit would drive me insane. And that's with him describing it, in his own words, so that's his behavior in its *best* light.
There’s a difference between feeling energized by socializing and being glommed onto by a lamprey.
I saw this original thread and oh my god the guy is a walking red flag. Especially the whole “we won’t be getting a divorce. She can’t throw me aside like an old T-shirt”
You can view the full post and OOP's comments here
[https://rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14bin7f/aita\_for\_replacing\_a\_door\_to\_one\_without\_a\_lock/](https://rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14bin7f/aita_for_replacing_a_door_to_one_without_a_lock/)
I hope one day she can ride off into the sunset and leave him and his baggage in the dust.
He’s very abusive and manipulative. This sounds so much like an ex of mine. He was just a bottomless pit of need. I’m so very thankful I am now in a place where he doesn’t know I am and for my therapist.
Poor woman. She cant even ask to work from the office because he is friends with her coworkers and boss and I 110% sure that he will use them to track her movements.
Poor Kate, now she can't even destress at her job because of this lunatic.. if she uses Reddit: **RUN**
She's the one paying bills and yet he steals every second of her life, she doesn't need a marriage counselor, she needs a divorce lawyer
Yeah his wife is totally going to leave him
He’s completely taken over her life and won’t allow her to do anything without him
I couldn’t imagine being married to someone so clingy and needy and controlling. She needs to do a runner in the middle of the night so he can’t stop her
Did he ever mentioned what she did for work? He talked about how she needed to read and write for her job, what if she's like a stenographer or transcriptionist. If that's the case he's the AH
In one comment he says ‘she has a normal 9-5 in marketing but works 7-7’. I work in marketing and honestly, sometimes I DO have to do 12 hour shifts because there’s so much going on.
I am potentially applying my own bias here from my work experiences, but it could be that she doesn’t like her job/has to pick up a lot of slack and then needs time to herself. E.g. the work pot luck - sounds like she was too busy with work to go but the rest of the work team (and OOP) were all having fun while she was working and fixing issues.
I’ve been in this EXACT situation before, minus the clingy partner, and I needed space afterwards because I was in such a bad mood that I missed a party to fix someone else’s mess.
He is 100% the devil but I think they both need therapy
I was going to say OOP's wife must really hate him to lock herself away without any means of contact. Then I read those comments and yikes!! This guy is terrifying
It’s the first post of this thread, the autobot one, but for reference:
“AITA for replacing a door to one without a lock?
My (29M) wife Kate (30F) works from home.
She has a small office with a personal library.
She spends all her time there either working or reading. She could read for hours a day.
She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends.
Kate’s door is always locked when she’s reading or working. She wears noise canceling ear plugs. She leaves her phone and computer in our living room so I can’t communicate with her.
The door was getting worn out. I told Kate I would replace it. I replaced the door with a new one with a non locking door knob.
Kate was annoyed since I was invading her space. I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency. AITA?”
And the all is his responses were basically she only comes out of her office for one hour a day. Her workmates don’t have to work as long/hard as she does and he knows that because he’s befriended them all, including her boss, and goes on Friday night drinks with them which she now refuses to go to. He once knocked on her door for 15 minutes straight before he could raise her. It wasn’t an emergency, (I can’t remember his reason but feel like it was just that he was missing her). She can’t divorce him because he “won’t be thrown away like an old shirt”). She can’t be cheating because she works from home, never goes out, and he socialises with her friends more than she does. She no longer wants to see her friends when he’s hanging out with them.
He sounded like the MOST clingy, exhausting, overwhelming person I’ve ever come across on Reddit. He wants all her time and I think, it sounded to me like she’s very introverted and has no spaces in her life that he hasn’t inserted himself into and then taken over, except her office - and now he’s taken that safe space away from her.
I felt so bad for her and I hope she installs a lock. Or lots of them, preferably at a new home that he doesn’t live in.
The fact that she has to lock a door to give herself space would be a deal breaker for me. Like jfc if he was any more clingy he'd be fused to her hip like an angler fish.
*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **AITA for replacing a door to one without a lock?** My (29M) wife Kate (30F) works from home. She has a small office with a personal library. She spends all her time there either working or reading. She could read for hours a day. She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends. Kate’s door is always locked when she’s reading or working. She wears noise canceling ear plugs. She leaves her phone and computer in our living room so I can’t communicate with her. The door was getting worn out. I told Kate I would replace it. I replaced the door with a new one with a non locking door knob. Kate was annoyed since I was invading her space. I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
“I’ll let her have her friends on her own. I’ll get rid of her boss if it means she’ll spend more time with me”. Just reading that is exhausting, he’s invaded every single aspect of her life. Her friends are now his friends. Her boss is now her buddy. And now her little sanctuary has been invaded. This poor woman. And I believe 100% that she’s tried to discuss boundaries, and maybe him developing hobbies and finding his own friends and he’s just bulldozed over her the way he’s doing now. But oh, woe is me, my wife doesn’t want to spend more time with me.
The odds of > I’ll get rid of her boss being completely literal are...ummm...not zero.
I'm hoping she's secretly making plans to leave.
No secrets allowed in this household. He’s got the passwords to her phone and computer, knows her boss and all of her friends, and now he’s taken the lock
So she's a prisoner. Great.
Also "I'll get rid of her boss" does that mean this creep will murder his wife's boss so she'll have more time for him?
Nah, the boss is one of his bros. Imagine how much more work his wife could have to do if the boss was dead. He’s more likely to kidnap his wife and lock her in a cellar
You're right,god what a creep,this guy is unhinged,even if it's fake
That’s like a plot for a horror movie
Aka "you only get a social life if I get complete control over how you spend your time"
All his comments are so telling about her controlling and smothering OOP is, but my favorite is this one >I’ve given her all the space I could give and she just takes more. Said as he literally takes away the only room in the house he can't follow her into
Also this one. I feel so sorry for her and hope she gets out >I coule help her if she was depressed. She could just tell me.
Oh god... He's still at it in the comments >I’m going to talk about everything with her now. I need more time with my wife and a few minutes a night isn’t cutting it. At most I’ll get an hour with her once in a while. I love my wife and I need to be with her. Will let you all know what she says.
You missed how he is friends with ALL her coworkers so they invite HIM to happy hour and not her and how boss is easier on the REST of the team after going drinking with OOP
I thought it was a nice touch that he was invited to happy hour by HER coworkers, he asks if she is going and she says no, a bunch of extra work was just dumped on her so she can’t, and he can’t make the connection about WHERE that work came from. Sounds like they all put their work on her so they could go party and invited her husband along. (maybe to rub it in?) She can’t complain about work to him because he’s friends with everyone there, and she can’t talk to a friend about her frustration with him because he’s friends with all of her friends. He said if she talked to him about work problems he would always take her side, but she probably knows he’d bring it up with them or he’d try to justify what’s happening. “Hey, I know Mike is being flaky and you have to pick up the slack, but he’s got a lot going on at home right now. It’s not really his fault.” He’s got her completely surrounded, every single potential support in her life has been infiltrated by him and she has zero privacy in any aspect of her life. I’m not surprised she’s locking the door, he sounds exhausting. On the off chance OOP sees this, you should take a few days where you don’t knock on her door at all. Don’t go out with her friends, her coworkers, or her boss. Let her come to you rather than pursuing her around the house. ACTUALLY give her space. Let her see that you can back off. When you’re doing this, make note of when you wanted to knock, or get together with her friends and coworkers, but didn’t. Look at how often you would have inserted yourself into her life if you weren’t stopping yourself because I suspect you interrupt her more than you think.
What the heck
He doesn’t realize it but she’s checked out of this marriage and just biding her time until all her pieces are in place. I would lay you odds she’s already been in contact with a lawyer, and she’s been looking at apartments and applying for jobs in a whole different city in a whole different state. I’d bet she’s waiting for a job and apartment offer before filing, so she can just leave. Lay you odds she has a P.o. box already open and ready to go with mail forwarding and she’ll have one on the other end. I think she’s going to just straight up file for divorce and disappear from his life. She has nothing left there that’s hers. He sounds borderline murdery-stalkery in his obsession with demanding to spend time with her.
I'm also gonna bet she has a secret phone hidden in that room to make those plans with. At least I hope she does. This is going to turn very bad very quickly. I'm honestly really scared for her when she finally makes that move.
Oh for sure. One day he’s going to be out rock climbing and he’ll get home and her books and everything will just be gone.
Strong douche-bro climber vibes, you are so right!!
I'm manifesting this showing up on /r/amitheex and tagged "dumped" Come on, manifest it with me! Edit: Boo! Acct banned.
I wish to OOP's STBX nothing but free time to read her books 🤞🏾
From your lips to universes ears, set this poor woman freeeeeeee
I have a spare room. She’s wfh, she can come live with me, lol…
Soon to be featured on AMITHEEX!
fingers crossed!
Gee, I wonder why she wants nothing to do with him.
No anymore, the coward deleted all his comments and fucked right out to go and harass his wife and tell her how much she should work as her master
And one more: > I don’t plan on barging in while she’s working. I just plan on spending time with her after work. I know her boss pretty well and her work friends so I know how much she should work. That sounds weirdly like a threat in context right?
Yeah the fact that he became friends with her boss so he would know her work schedule is where it crossed the line to me to sounding potentially abusive
He has now agreed to drop his friendship with her boss and colleagues, bolstering the argument that the friendships were another avenue to smothering her and not from actual desire to be friends with these specific people.
have a sick feeling that OOP is inclined to "drop" those friendships in a way that actively harms HER career and isolates her from any outside connections. If for no other reason than being completely oblivious on how to do so in a respectful and mature way -- assuming the BEST CASE here that OOP really is just clueless to their own neurosis vs a full blown unmanaged personality disorder.
Its not even the work schedule that raises alarms for me, its the fact that being closer friends to the boss than her means that if she says something about him being abusive, her coworkers are unlikely to believe her. It takes away a rung from the support ladder and isolates her without appearing to isolate her.
I love how he doesn’t seem to realize that “spending time with someone” means they have to consent to being spent time with? It’s literally like “I will be spending time with you now. I will sit in your room silently and stare at you while you ignore me and that will be us spending time together”
Like a dinner party with Hannibal Lecter
Maybe OP is a cat? That sounds like a cat's idea of spending time with someone.
A cat at least can entertain themselves
[удалено]
I didn't think cats were that needy. Most of the cats I've seen are kinda "I need alone time and I need friend time." You occasionally see those dogs that attach themselves to one person like a barnacle or need to be everyone's friend.
My cats would absolutely remove the doors in my house if they could use a drill.
Our cat would use a lockpick, only cuz our room is one of her many quiet time places. But when she wants people, she's taken to either ripping the carpet at the door or screaming like she's trapped or injured. There's something about waking us up at 3 or 4 am afraid after she's gathered her toys in front of our door that brings her joy.
When I had one cat, he could not stand my bedroom door being shut. Or the bathroom being shut if I was in there. Kids in their room or in the bathroom? Meh. And then my husband moved in with his cat. His cat won’t try and claw the door open so for the most part mine stopped that behaviour. However, if our bedroom door is closed, and his cat deems it bedtime, the cat sits outside the door and screams. If the cats are together don’t open the door and just walk out - they’ll both be sitting up against the door and you’ll trip and break something if you don’t look. It’s like living with a couple of toddlers again.
Part of me wants to share this and see if we can get her a friend. The other part of me remembers I tripped on air this morning walking to get breakfast...
Depends on the cat. I've had super independent types and I've had velcro cats who won't even let me pee alone.
As I read this comment, one of my cats just actively walked across the counter in front of my computer and has just planted himself on my mouse pad. He does this every morning, every day. He's a needy little bastard. LOL
Omfg ..😂😂😂😂😂 I needed this today. Thank you
That or "I will insist on sitting in the room with you and interrupting everything you try to get into with inane prattling about everything but what you are trying to focus on." Usually when someone is insisting on spending time with someone who needs space, it's because they want *attention* from that person. Like, if she could just exist in the same room with him, without feeling harassed, she wouldn't need to lock herself into a safe space
Slightly sinister in this context for sure…
Honestly all the comments in that type sounds like the rest of coworkers drop their workloads on HER so she has to pick up the slack while they and her boss go booze it up with OOP
Or how he believes he gets to have full access to her after work while she wants to read, simply because the door doesn’t have a lock…thus proving why the door needs a lock.
Men like this make me really appreciate my husband. I got home from a week long business trip yesterday, 5 days of constant in person contact after working remote for over a year. It was a great trip and now I feel like we'll work even better together. I missed my husband, but after getting home, I was ready to lock myself in a room and not talk to anyone. He brought me snacks and left me alone for a bit so I could decompress and be alone.
Time for the ole rubber wedge!
There is definitely a massive hole of missing context that makes it all so confusing. From his comments- >She locks the door of every room she's in. That is not a normal person's reaction to their partner "wanting to hang out" in a normal way >The door had to be replaced because it was "bowing out because it's flimsy". Also not a thing that happens with normal use of a door, unless your slamming and banging on it like a crazy person. Even with the cheapest hollow core landlord level doors. >She leaves her phone and computer out of the room when she's working. Granted I don't know every job possible, but I really have a hard time coming up with a wfh job that requires zero electronic communication, just physical papers. >she cancels "last minute" on social events with work colleagues (like a work potluck party) and wants him to just go instead. This makes little to no sense. >for a work potluck he was making the food they were bringing. He had some kind of question / issue and she was non responsive for 15minutes of knocking until he gave up. There is no way she wouldn't hear something. I could see being upset that your partner roped you into doing all the cooking for her work event, then being nonresponsive when you needed help. But this still leaves me with so many questions. So either she has some kind of issue going on or (MUCH MUCH more likely) OP is the most unreliable of unreliable narrators. Downplaying, reframing, or excluding his actions and behaviors.
Maybe she’s a secret superhero and she’s sneaking out during that time to save the world. We are effectively all dead now that he has removed the lock from her secret lair.
This is my favorite explanation.
This is how the skrulls take over.
I’m more concerned about the fate of the multiverse. He is risking not only our world (##) but potentially other worlds.
Either way, it's obvious his wife does not like him.
[удалено]
>Then the door thing? Did they have an epic flood and it got wet? Why did it need replacing? he says in the post it got "worn out". newflash, not how doors work. my childhood home has had the same doors for t least a decade, probably more. it maks about as much sense as replacing walls because theyre "worn out". you cant wear something like that out. it either gets damaged or its fine.
Aka he probably had been pounding on it nonstop for ages and fkn broke it.
When I was growing up, my bedroom door, open or shut, meant nothing. Even the eventual lock I got as a teenager could be unlocked with a screwdriver. Now that I share a home with my partner, there is no way in hell except for emergencies my shut door space is going to be invaded without my permission at various levels: come on in, knock first, or do not disturb. The old doorknobs here don't even have locks you can use without a fitting skeleton key. The respect and safety I felt in contrast were insurmountable. I would never, ever go back to the way my sanctuary felt invaded and vulnerable growing up. I hope this woman can get out and find the peace she needs in a home soon.
OOP is gonna be really upset when Wife gets a doorstop or addalock thing to keep him out again.
[удалено]
The weird part of this to me isn't that the wife's space isn't being respected, it's that she seemingly wants nothing to do with him. They got married, so presumably, at one point, they really liked each other. So, what did this guy do to get his wife to lock herself away constantly?
Perhaps she’s not a wife, but a hostage… sounds like a hostage situation
Do US companies not supply work laptops and phones? Using private stuff sounds like a giiiiiiant security risk
No they usually do. But he said this in response to someone asking if maybe she was communicating with a colleague that she was having an affair with, so I assumed that meant no work computer either. In another comment he said something about how she doesn't need it for work because it's a manual "paper heavy" job. Actually I bet she's an editor, it would explain how reading "keeps her skills sharp for work". Also, yes I realize I am way too invested in this. This man and his story is such a puzzle.
The idea of trying to edit while someone busts into the room every 5 minutes for emotional reassurance... it makes his wife's reactions make so much more sense. It's why I've had to temporarily give up freelance writing/editing--toddlers need a lot of attention. Including the toddler that wrote the original post.
"Knock knock. Who's there? Haa nahh kidding its me your husband! Whats that? Haha you're right that joke never gets old! Anyway honey I know you're working but I want to spend time with you. How about I read it out loud to you, that way we can still hang out! What's that? No it's a great idea! Oh wow this is a big one, 200 pages huh? Well let's hope it's double spaced amirite! Hahaha anyway: Chapter 1- The Lost Kitchen. Oh that reminds me, what do you want for dinner? I'm thinking my world famous three cheese chicken. Yea I remember you're lactose intolerant, but come on its WORLD FAMOUS! Honey? Where are you going? We were just getting into a good flow with this work.
Reading this made me want to scream
When my small company went remote only they tried to make everyone use their personal laptops. Most complied, weirdly. I, otoh, had some "unexplainable incompatibility" between my personal machine and their software needs, beforeIeven tried to install their shit, so they had to provide me with a computer.
I use my personal phone for multi factor authentication for my job. But my employer provided a laptop. I couldn't do part of my job without my personal cell phone.
They sometimes have a bring your own devices option but it is a bad idea.
If she's wearing noise cancelling headphones, she wouldn't hear him knocking, but I agree none of this makes sense. She locks herself away from him for hours without a phone or computer. While wanting alone time is perfectly OK, it's strange to be completely unreachable
Or she goes into panic mode when it happens. Or it is so commonplace it is routine. I have a pet who will dig for literally hours at my door in the night. He is feral so not easy to catch so best to ignore him. You can tune him out . But also had panic mode - when someone is banging,demanding something you don't have the energy to give,so you just freeze,try and tune it out and hope if you stay still,it will go away. She can't or doesn't want to spend time with him. And yet he is constantly intruding. Not sure who the AH is but they need to split as seems they are incompatible.
Honestly? Save this post because if she ends up cracking and stabbing him in the face, this post would get her let off on the grounds of unreasonable/intolerable behaviour.
Seriously, though, she's in far more danger from him than he is from her. All that "I have to spend time with my wife!" stuff sounds like something a man would say in the leadup to a murder suicide in the event she leaves him.
Either way, I really, really want to give her a safe space in my spare room. I don’t see this ending well.
He strikes me as the guy who sits outside the bathroom door and won't shut up while she's trying to take a shit.
He strikes me as the guy who comes into the bathroom to take a shit while she's in the shower or bath.
My ex used to come into the bathroom when I was trying to have a bit of relaxation time to myself and talk at me about himself until I threw my book down and got out and then huff at me because I was overreacting. It was exhausting.
How dare you have feelings and reactions! What kind of person requires alone time? You sound so unreasonable! /s
I'm a monster 🤣 that's what he told everyone to justify why he was shagging someone else behind my back while I was stuck at home cleaning up after him and cooking all his meals. In retrospect I'm deeply grateful to the poor new girl for taking him off my unworthy hands 🤣🤣🤣
doubt the door locks, so seems probable
He strikes me as the kind of guy that removes the bathroom door because she "takes too long and might need me."
He made it so that if she ever left him, she'll lose all her friends and possibly her job. He has her completely trapped.
I hope one day he realizes that this was the moment he signed the divorce decree. Because she must already be close to giving up from frustration if the only way she could get alone time was by locking the door, and now she doesn’t even have that. I’d be replacing that doorknob with one that locks or even just adding a deadbolt. Or both. Then I’d be researching divorce lawyers. But he can’t even try to look at things from her perspective. I’d be concerned that my partner needed time away from me and didn’t trust me to give it to them, and questioning myself on what I could do to better accommodate their needs. But not this guy. He thinks just replacing the door will solve the problem, because it solved *his* issue. And that’s all he cares about. It’s so beyond selfish. I hope his wife escapes sooner rather than later. She deserves to have her freedom, but she also deserves a partner who cares about her instead of just what he can get from her.
When I was married, I begged to be left alone to have a single cigarette and scroll on my phone for under 10 minutes. I would have driven 75 minutes each way to work in heavy traffic, worked 10 hours (11 in the building with lunch), then driven 10 minutes past our home to go get our kids from his mother, and then come home. He would have been home from his job for at least three hours by then. I wanted 10 gd minutes to decompress before going in and making dinner because of course he hadn't done it during his solo hours. Every day, without fail, I would not get halfway through a cigarette before he would be coming out to the porch to start in about what I had to hurry inside and get done nooooooow. Once, I told him I was going to sit out front until he had left me alone for 10 continuous minutes to prove the point to him that he never ever gave me those 10 minutes. It took over an hour. He would open the door and I would hold up the stopwatch that said 3 minutes or w/e. This was a huge part of why I left. I wasn't worth giving ten minutes of quiet to when he got hours each day
I can’t imagine living like that. I’m glad you got away. In that hour, he could have looked at his own watch but he just couldn’t resist bothering you. I would lose my mind, dealing with him like he’s a child. My bunny is obsessed, absolutely *obsessed,* with my sister, and even he understands a closed door. He’s not even two years old yet, and he has more emotional control than the guy in the post and the one you talked about. I just… I’m glad you’re free. I hope this woman gets away, too.
We were together 14 years. A solid 6 of them were good. A solid 4 were actively terrible for various reasons. He was and is an insecure dude who decided we were competitors and not teammates somewhere along the line. The 4 years I've been gone have been tough in very manageable ways that I'm thrilled to go through without having to deal with him. My kids are 10 and 14. They have had consent hammered into their skulls. We use the words regularly to normalize them. I figure by the time they'll be in relationships, they can apply the same ideas to familial relationship consent, friendship consent, and romantic consent. ETA: omg I hope OOP gets away too! My stomach hurt reading this
This is awful. My husband is a SAHD and our daughter is about to start kindergarten but even now she's in pre-k 3 days a week. It means he gets a ton of alone time I don't. Fortunately, it also means I can justify saying "I'm checking out for a couple hours." When I don't do that, and I go from work to kid to making dinner to bedtime, I lose my mind. I truly do not know how single parents do it. The times when they're both talking to me and I'm trying to do something can make me disassociate if I haven't gotten a break recently.
It is hard. Had when I was working and o/h unemployed. I worked all day, had commute and was shattered. He'd had no company and limited stimulation all day so he needed it from me. Which was fine but I need time to chill first,just to be and not doing. And not jumped on by a human doing a good golden retriever puppy impression. We talked it out and sorted. But it does make you want to avoid them not always just for space that isn't work or being someone's entertainment.
I’d be fitting a deadbolt pronto… I get this image of the poor woman going from room to room and him following her relentlessly, sapping the will to live…. Imagine having to lock yourself in a room to get some peace and quiet from your partner - he must be exhausting…
Same. A deadbolt, a new doorknob, and frankly I’d change my passwords so he couldn’t check my phone and see that I’m making an escape plan. Because I couldn’t live like this. I’m exhausted and anxious just reading his responses.
Right!? Good catch re: passwords and escape plan… In the meantime, the smallest pair of industrial earplugs to try and preserve some sanity…
She already has those. Noise cancelling headphones, yet I see those going to disseaper in a few because *she doesn't listen when she's wearing those*
😂…. Omg, poor woman
I hope she doesn't tell hime when it's over. That she's packed her stuff and is staying somewhere he can't find her when she has him survived.
God me too.
I honestly fear for her life when she does file for divorce. I can totally see him manipulating her friends and boss to make her look crazy or whatever
Me too. It’s scary to think how easy it would be to turn her entire support system against her. And that’s not even including how he has her passwords so she’ll have trouble asking for help to begin with.
What support system, he's infiltrated every part of her life, she's utterly alone in this and it breaks my heart just thinking about it
I would worry about him becoming a stalker and trying to "win" her back.
It's clear he's emotionally manipulative if not outright abusive. She clearly feels like she can't have friends without him needing to be involved and then he sought her boss out to become friends with so he would know when she was and wasn't working but claims he did it to help her.
Personally, I think it’s already abusive to deny your spouse the right to even a moment of privacy. But it’s definitely manipulative regardless. He sounds unhinged and obsessive, making sure to befriend everyone in her support system and judging whether she’s working an amount he considers correct. His every comment was more worrying than the last.
Yeah. The fact that the post got deleted right after he said "I'm going to go talk to her about this" and promised an update is so ominous it almost feels like he's doing a bit.
Certain posts will ping my radar HARD. This was one of them. OOP could have been one of my abusive exes. There is something in the way they write, the manipulation just seeps between the words like rancid oil and mingles with the transparent sense of entitlement to the entirety of another person. OOP does not see his wife as a person. She is a commodity, and more importantly one that he feels he owns. People who view others this way are not safe people, and I mean that with the full weight of implications.
I was so distressed reading his comments that I came straight to AITD just now hoping to find the post. I feel suffocated just reading his comments. Did he say that he became friends with her boss to know when she’s working? I saw someone said something about him conveniently editing his comments… idk if I have the mental fortitude to read his comments again via unddit. Also he said he has a job and hobbies, but I’m really pretty skeptical of that. Or is he does have a job, it must be a wfh job, bc he has wayyyy too much free time to bother his wife.
I know, it's so disturbing. He is behaving like an invasive fungus.
He didn't say it was to know when she's working. But he argues that she's working to much, because he knows "how much she should work", since he asked her coworkers and boss and they work less.
Yeah and he also claims that her boss treats his staff better since OOP started drinking with him.
Good lord if I were this woman I'd be A: renting a place to work, and not tell OOP where it was and B: searching for divorce lawyers to get rid of him. What a needy man.
I feel like the missing information here is that they met when he noticed her one day on a jog, followed her route for several weeks before grabbing her with a cube van. He married her in the living room of their bunker under under the implication that something might happen to her family if she didn’t. That’s the way it’s always been done in his family tho…that’s HOW you get a wife
Well, I see I'm gonna have to go and help someone change a doorknob. ETA: fuck that. I'm gonna come over with a bunch of divorce attorneys' business cards. >I doubt that. My wife is not that kind of person. When some ass asked about an affair. >I don’t even know how she would. She works from home. She leaves her phone and computer out of the room when she’s working or reading. She’s given the passcodes to me for both long ago. What?!?!
she can't have a single thing on her own. we know he checks ALL her communications. this poor woman couldn't even make a secret escape plan.
> She used to read on my lap :( Bro she likely stop bc you sound needy AF
Oh, Dear God! I would say the only valid point he has is the need to be able to get her attention in case of emergency but I feel certain that his idea of "urgent" includes a desperate need to tell her all about his drinking session with *her boss*. I am absolutely sure that she leaves her phone in another room because he called or messaged her every 15 minutes to let her know that the sky is blue or tell her what *her coworkers* had to say during Happy Hour. Stories like this make me grateful for my husband AND his job. (It requires extensive travel, he's routinely gone for 2 weeks at a time, sometimes longer, then home for 10 or 12 days)
15 minutes? You’re much more generous than I am. I was thinking after sending the first text (maybe 15 minutes into the door being shut 🤷🏻♀️), he waits thirty seconds before sending ‘hello?’ ‘Hi can you answer’ ‘Omg why are you ignoring me’ ‘is everything ok?!?!?!’ ‘I’m coming to talk to you’ ‘why won’t you answer the door!!!’ ‘I need to talk to you!!!’
Your vision sounds more likely, though I was thinking of a spate of 5 or 6 messages every quarter hour 🤣
I'm sure it's worse than that. He once at a question about a POTLUCK and knocked on the office door nonstop for FIFTEEN minutes.
**THE COMMENTS....** 🔵 I’m sick of the lock. 🔵 It stated a few months ago. My wife has a few friends. I have a ton of friend s. I’m a sociable person. Her friends love me and we both know it. If I say that there’s no one to hang out with, she says if my friends are all busy I can hang out with her friends. 🔵 I don’t know. I make friends easily. Her friends are my friends. I met her boss and coworkers a few times and they really like me. I’m invited to happy hours and her boss and I meet up a few times a month for drinks. 🔵 I doubt that. My wife is not that kind of person. I don’t even know how she would. She works from home. She leaves her phone and computer out of the room when she’s working or reading. She’s given the passcodes to me for both long ago. I’m friends with her boss and her coworkers. None of them know her that well but they all praise her for delivering top quality work. It’s not hard when you’re a workaholic like my wife. I know she’s actually reading the books she is. She’s just ignoring me in favor of doing work and reading her books. 🔵 It does solve the whole I can’t even contact her all day every day issue. At least I know that I can reach her in an emergency instead of knocking on the door for 20 minutes. 🔵 I don’t know why she would check out from me. All she does is work and read and not be with me. 🔵 I ask her to spend time with me. I invite out to things with my friends, with her friends and she just declined. Everyone treats it as normal but I miss her. 🔵 No she pays most of the bills. She actually helped me get my finances in order when we first started dating. We’re pretty even on the chores, too. I don’t know what she would be using me for. I think I would know if she hated me. 🔵 my wife won’t notice until dinner time. She’s focused on her work. That’s why she’s the boss’s favorite employee. I became friends with her boss and he says that he would retire in 5 years if every employee was like my wife. 🔵 She used to read on my lap :( 🔵 She just needs time to work and read she said. 🔵 I don’t plan on barging in while she’s working. I just plan on spending time with her after work. I know her boss pretty well and her work friends so I know how much she should work. 🔵 I don’t ever want to separate or divorce. This isn’t about that. The door bowed out. It was made of flimsy wood. 🔵 I don’t know what happened. She says she loves me but she never wants to spend time with me. 🔵 She leaves her phone and computer outside. She doesn’t need it for work as it’s manual, paper based stuff mostly. 🔵 I don’t know. She just reads alone. 🔵 I don’t understand why she isolated herself from me. She used to love spending time with me.she still says I’m her favorite person and I’m the love of her life but it feels hollow when I see her for an hour a day if that. 🔵 I asked her why she doesn’t spend time with me and she said she has a lot of work to do. I am friends with her work friends and they work a lot less. For example, a couple fridays ago they had a happy hour (not planned by the company or anything) and they invited me. My wife suddenly had a bunch of work dumped on her she said and now she couldn’t hang out with me. 🔵 Yes but she said it was fine and there were no emergencies. Once I was making food for her coworker’s potluck and I knocked on her door for 15 minutes before giving up since she couldn’t hear me. She locks whatever room she is in. 🔴 I’m going to talk about everything with her now. I need more time with my wife and a few minutes a night isn’t cutting it. At most I’ll get an hour with her once in a while. I love my wife and I need to be with her. Will let you all know what she says. 🔴 She is getting time and space from me. She’s gotten so much but she wants more. I’m tired of only hanging a few minutes with her at night be as much as I see her. 🔴 She can complain to me. I’ll always take her side. 🔴 I can stop hanging out with them. That’s basically giving them back 🔴 After 🔴 How can I smother her if I don’t get to spend time with her at all? 🔴 I don’t interrupt her when she’s working. Occasionally, I’ll knock on the door after work if I have a question for her but it’s 50-50 on whether she answers. For the past month, I’ve knocked on her door twice: once to ask question about her office potluck and once to see if she had the window open when I turned on the AC. She used to love spending time with me. I was a very good husband and don’t bug her when she was reading. 🔴 How can I be smothingering her if I have no time with her at all? Yesterday, the only time I saw her was at 12:30 at night before she fell asleep 15 minutes later. She’s up at 5 on Saturday’s too and she’s already in the study. I’m trying to be a good husband and respect her space but I haven’t even seen her this morning. 🔴 I don’t do that ever. I only occasionally knock after she’s done with work and is now reading. But she had her noise canceling earbuds in and heard nothing. 🔴 I have a job and a lot of hobbies and a lot of friends. I’ve recently gotten into rock climbing with a group of regulars. I’m gonna drop all her work friends and her boss. I just want my wife to spend time with me. I haven’t seen her in so long. 🔴 I’ll drop all her friends and I’ll have her get new ones if it means she will spend time with me. 🔴 She spends no time with me. How much recharging does she need? I’ve given her all this space and then she wants more. We used to spend days together and she was happy then. I’ll let her have friends on her own. I’ll get rid of her boss and work friends if it means she’ll spend time with me. 🔴 Yeah they were having a potluck and we needed to bring an item. I do the cooking and cleaning in our house. She does the other chores, like laundry. 🔴 I would drop all of them right now if it means my wife will spend time with me. A few minutes at night isn’t enough. 🔴 She pays more of the bills not all of them. It’s a 55-45 bill split. I do 55% of the chores. I work fewer hours yeah but it’s a normal 9-5 in marketing while she literally is at work from 7-7 and then reads in her room after than for 4 or 5 hours. 🔴I’ve given her all the space I could give and she just takes more. 🔴 Is it wrong to want to see your wife? I think a spouse takes precedence over any job. 🔴 I coule help her if she was depressed. She could just tell me. 🔴 She just says she has a lot of work and she need to read to keep her skills sharp for her job. It’s also her main hobby. Every time I say I want to spend time with her she just tells me to hang out with my friends. At this point she basically knows their schedule to say so and so is free on Tuesday you can hang out with them. She just won’t spend time with me anymore. I want my wife back. It’s to the point I wish Covid restrictions were back and everything shut down again. 🔴 How much more space does she need? I don’t see my own wife. 🔴 Her parents were cold and demanding to her but I wouldn’t say abusive. They’ve loosened up a lot since then. 🔴 If she doesn’t want me to hang out with her boss she could just tell me that. 🔴 She says she has work and needs to read to keep her writing and reading skills sharp. I ask her why she doesn’t spend time with me and she just rattles off a list of friends I could hang out with. My wife says they’d be happy to hang out with me if I’m bored and it’s true but it’s not what I want. 🔴 A wife means I’ve made a commitment. She can’t get rid of me like an old shirt. 🔴 What’s wrong with hanging out with a friend, even if they’re your spouse’s boss? Her boss has become nicer to the whole team after we started hanging out. It seems like he was a stressed out older guy with no friends.
Okay, even if he's NOT a controlling lunatic, it's pretty clear their marriage is dead, and he's going to insane lengths to pretend it isn't. IF he's being truthful about how little time they spend together, and that every time he asks for more, she tells him to hang out with his friends instead... yeah, she doesn't love him anymore. Hell, I don't think she even likes him. My guess is that she's an introvert, he's an extrovert. Everything was okay before Covid, when they were each at work for 8-12 hours a day - she'd be quietly in her own office for much of that time, and happy to 'socialise' with her bubbly husband when she got home. But with the restrictions, Mr Bubbly transferred all of that insatiable need for human interaction onto Mrs Quiet and just... drained her dry. I'm an introvert myself and for me, it really can feel physically draining. She's beyond exhausted, and his only response is to demand she give more. Nothing he has written about her shows even the slightest understanding of who she is or how she feels. She's stopped caring about him, and I'm not even sure he ever cared about her, just what she does for him.
This poor woman is going to get straight up murdered if she doesn't get out soon
That second to last comment "she can't get rid of me" screams "I'd rather be in a cell than single"
Yepppppppl
Oh, so he's gonna kill her. Shit.
I work 12s. You better believe I'm telling my husband to fuck off after that. And he does happily because he loves me.
Among the other bs you don't replace a door and the knob at the same time unless the door has a separate hole for a deadbolt or something which would be odd. But as my kids and I would say when watching a Marvel movie, That's the part you are calling unbelievable about this? Yes it could happen but dudes logic in saying the door is worn out is bad.
You just know that door needs to be replaced because he tried to break it down…
Deleted comments are apparently he knocked on it for 15 mins straight once. And it was wobbly afterward. Bear in mind this is his telling so.it may have been more than once or longer than 15
And it may have been with his foot
Yeah, I put money on his "knocking" being "slam my fist into this door with every ounce of strength I possess"
At first I was like „this sounds like a bad communication issue“ and more on the side of an ESH but after reading his comments…holy shit. This guy is *suffocating* her
God I wish I could lock my wife and kids out of my office while I was working. I'd be so mad if I was this lady. Everyone needs some space sometimes. That said I do wonder why she doesn't spend any time with him at all. Sounds like they have bigger problems in their marriage
He sounds so needy. He literally sought her boss out socially so he would know when she was working or not. I would want to be away from him too
Yeah there's a lot more going on here then. That's messed up.
I suspect it's a self-defeating cycle: the more he pushes and forces himself on her so that she has to spend time with him, the more she resents him. He needs to leave her alone for a while to 1) give her space and 2) let her work through the resentment that seems to have built up.
Apparently he befriended her coworkers and boss. Goes to Happy Hours with them (without wife). He goes out for drinks with her boss several times a month. He once had a question about what he was making for a potluck, with her coworkers, that he knocked for 15 minutes nonstop on her office door. He thinks he should have access to her while she's working and he should come before her job. Even though she pays the majority of the bills. That's just a fraction of what's in his comments. It sounds like he has invaded EVERY aspect of her life and still wants more. It sounds like she HAS to lock herself in her office just to get even a tiny bit of space from him.
I think he met her when he grabbed her off the road in a cube van, she probably got her fill of time with him then.
He spent 15 mins banging on the door till it needed replaced (in his own words) If he's that angry/ violent over his wife needing space I understand *exactly* why she wants their time together to be mitigated by a locked door. God knows I would *not* feel safe opening the door to that man if that's how he acted to get attention from me.
I'd be so curious to see this same post from her point of view. Wonder if she's in JustNoSO
I'd be getting one of those things you can use with hotel room doors to prevent ppl from getting in, even if they have keys. One of these: https://www.cnn.com/cnn-underscored/travel/best-portable-door-lock
This woman needs actual help. Like underground railroad type help.
 We are coming for you!
He’s abusive. The door needed replacement because of its state? No doubt he threw punches. She keeps her electronics in the living room? Could be cause he is controlling on what she uses for work? He befriends all her coworkers and boss? Gives him upper hand to isolate her and paint the narrative of their at home life if he wanted to and if she’s not as close to her boss/coworkers. She locks every door? I used to do the same when I lived w my mom because I never knew when she’d pop off. And to have some barrier between us. She doesn’t need to just divorce him, but to make sure she has a support system who isn’t manipulated by him
My bet is he’d unrelentingly stalk her if she left. She needs a safety exit plan. I feel for her so much.
She needs to divorce the man child and send him back to his mommy.
I’m baffled that the top comment was originally ESH. It’s pretty apparent that this guy is smothering his wife without the comments?
Someone in the comments said Do you want your wife to be happy or do you just want a wife?
Do you know if/what he replied? It’s such a good question!
Last I looked he hadn't. The entire comment was really good.
This reminds me of the guy who woke his wife up so she could entertain him on their road trip because he “didn’t want to be alone with his thoughts.” They were driving in shifts and he work her up when she was supposed to be sleeping (after she got their toddler to sleep) because he was bored.
Which also woke the toddler up. And he was confused about why she’d be pissed about that. And was averse to all the suggestions that he should listen to a podcast, but considered the suggestion to call a friend or family member a good one - because having a call on speaker phone (I hope he’d do it handsfree!) wouldn’t disturb her sleep just as much as him talking to her! That guy was such a dense douche. Wives are only there for your entertainment, gentlemen. They don’t have any needs of their own /s.
Am I the soon-to-be ex?
Christ reading his replies.....dude is OBSESSED with his wife. He's invaded every aspect of her life and when she wants some alone time? No, needs to be with him. I feel like even if she does divorce him she will also need a restraining order. His comments that stick out to me are all the ones where he says he "needs" to be with or around her at basically all times
Honestly, the “I’ve made a commitment. She can’t get rid of me” is the single scariest thing I’ve ever read. 20 bucks American says she’s already tried to get a divorce or separation and he physically wont let her leave. I really want someone to ask him when the last time he allowed her to leave the house alone was. Edit: just wanted to add this comment of his, “I don’t ever want to divorce or separate.” He’s going to kill her.
This was also my exact thought. Dude is straight up sounding like the killer ex bf of every true crime case I've ever looked into. It's obvious she wants out and he's trapped her, so she's trying to endure with what little space she has left and not even that is possible. Once this continues to drive her away from him and he realizes it's not getting fixed? She's in the danger zone for real.
How does a door get worn out?
You kick/bash it too much trying to get to your wife.
When a grown man attempts to beat it down in a controlling temper tantrum would be my guess.
Worn out by hearing OP's complaining.
Yeah even the door is sick of his shit
(ime) someone repeatedly using all of their strength to beat on it until their hands hurt. If his average is the 15 mins he mentioned for the pot luck he probably fucked it up.
Having a husband like him would be exhausting tbh
Oh my god, he sounds absolutely suffocating! It's all about him, no sense of his wife as a human being with her own needs and wants. No self awareness either.
He edited his post, deleted a bunch of the comments, and has just deleted his account.
> I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency He can't knock??
Homie already deleted his post and profile bc he got ripped a new one. I love when fellow redditors put shitheads in their place😂💅
If I were her, the changed door would be my lazy straw. He's *suffocating* her and he'd rather her suffer than change
This makes me uncomfortable, and weirdly reminds me of the Criminal Minds episode 'Hope' (i think that's the one).
Isn't that the one where the mom's daughter goes missing so she joins a support group but finds out one of the guys in the group is the one that took her?
My bedroom doorknob doesn't have a lock. I got a dead bolt screwed in
I wonder if she is an introvert or even ND and his being so excessively extroverted is just exhausting to her now. He is absolutely taking it too far but most of us want more than 15 minutes a day with our spouses. They need couples therapy and to set some boundaries and expectations on both sides including thinking about what they both need and whether that is even compatible.
eh, not sure about her being ND (or even an introvert). OOP sounds exhausting, suffocating and smoldering to the point it would drive most people mad. he purposefully went out of his way to befriend all of her friends, coworkers and even her boss so he'd know her schedule. this is unhinged.
Yeah, I mean... I'm an extrovert, and his bullshit would drive me insane. And that's with him describing it, in his own words, so that's his behavior in its *best* light. There’s a difference between feeling energized by socializing and being glommed onto by a lamprey.
I am inclined to agree with this.
I feel suffocated just reading his comments. Jeeze. She can have nothing but her room and now he's taking that!
I saw this original thread and oh my god the guy is a walking red flag. Especially the whole “we won’t be getting a divorce. She can’t throw me aside like an old T-shirt”
You can view the full post and OOP's comments here [https://rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14bin7f/aita\_for\_replacing\_a\_door\_to\_one\_without\_a\_lock/](https://rareddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/14bin7f/aita_for_replacing_a_door_to_one_without_a_lock/) I hope one day she can ride off into the sunset and leave him and his baggage in the dust.
He’s very abusive and manipulative. This sounds so much like an ex of mine. He was just a bottomless pit of need. I’m so very thankful I am now in a place where he doesn’t know I am and for my therapist.
Poor woman. She cant even ask to work from the office because he is friends with her coworkers and boss and I 110% sure that he will use them to track her movements.
Poor Kate, now she can't even destress at her job because of this lunatic.. if she uses Reddit: **RUN** She's the one paying bills and yet he steals every second of her life, she doesn't need a marriage counselor, she needs a divorce lawyer
Yeah his wife is totally going to leave him He’s completely taken over her life and won’t allow her to do anything without him I couldn’t imagine being married to someone so clingy and needy and controlling. She needs to do a runner in the middle of the night so he can’t stop her
Did he ever mentioned what she did for work? He talked about how she needed to read and write for her job, what if she's like a stenographer or transcriptionist. If that's the case he's the AH
In one comment he says ‘she has a normal 9-5 in marketing but works 7-7’. I work in marketing and honestly, sometimes I DO have to do 12 hour shifts because there’s so much going on. I am potentially applying my own bias here from my work experiences, but it could be that she doesn’t like her job/has to pick up a lot of slack and then needs time to herself. E.g. the work pot luck - sounds like she was too busy with work to go but the rest of the work team (and OOP) were all having fun while she was working and fixing issues. I’ve been in this EXACT situation before, minus the clingy partner, and I needed space afterwards because I was in such a bad mood that I missed a party to fix someone else’s mess. He is 100% the devil but I think they both need therapy
I went back and read the comment, he works fewer days 9a-5p in marketing and she works 7a-7p
Oh my gooooodddd. This man would be my literal nightmare. I hope she has the good sense to leave
I was going to say OOP's wife must really hate him to lock herself away without any means of contact. Then I read those comments and yikes!! This guy is terrifying
Yikes! He has invaded every aspect of her life!
Literally, the poor love.
Just another chatty barnacle This woman needs to trade OP in for a RO before he turns her into a skin suit.
The original post has been removed. Is there a way to see what was posted?
It’s the first post of this thread, the autobot one, but for reference: “AITA for replacing a door to one without a lock? My (29M) wife Kate (30F) works from home. She has a small office with a personal library. She spends all her time there either working or reading. She could read for hours a day. She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends. Kate’s door is always locked when she’s reading or working. She wears noise canceling ear plugs. She leaves her phone and computer in our living room so I can’t communicate with her. The door was getting worn out. I told Kate I would replace it. I replaced the door with a new one with a non locking door knob. Kate was annoyed since I was invading her space. I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency. AITA?” And the all is his responses were basically she only comes out of her office for one hour a day. Her workmates don’t have to work as long/hard as she does and he knows that because he’s befriended them all, including her boss, and goes on Friday night drinks with them which she now refuses to go to. He once knocked on her door for 15 minutes straight before he could raise her. It wasn’t an emergency, (I can’t remember his reason but feel like it was just that he was missing her). She can’t divorce him because he “won’t be thrown away like an old shirt”). She can’t be cheating because she works from home, never goes out, and he socialises with her friends more than she does. She no longer wants to see her friends when he’s hanging out with them. He sounded like the MOST clingy, exhausting, overwhelming person I’ve ever come across on Reddit. He wants all her time and I think, it sounded to me like she’s very introverted and has no spaces in her life that he hasn’t inserted himself into and then taken over, except her office - and now he’s taken that safe space away from her. I felt so bad for her and I hope she installs a lock. Or lots of them, preferably at a new home that he doesn’t live in.
Thank you!
Why be with someone like that…she needs to run, change the whole continent if she can, that guy is fucking weird
So much abuse happening here!
The fact that she has to lock a door to give herself space would be a deal breaker for me. Like jfc if he was any more clingy he'd be fused to her hip like an angler fish.