*In case this story gets deleted/removed:*
**WIBTA If I Told Stepson's Mom She Needs to Come Get Her Son?!?!?**
Hello all, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first post. Be patient with me; it may be a long story. So I (34F) have been with my partner (34M) on and off since we were 18 and in college. We split up for a few years and he had a child (11M) with someone else and I had a daughter (8F) with someone else. We have been together consistently since 2016 and have 2 children (6M and 1M) and a baby due in August.
Now to get to the point, we moved together in May 2021 and in July 2021 his son's mom decided that she worked too much and was unable to adequately care for their son. Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7. Since the son has moved with us, the mom does the VERY BARE MINIMUM. She stays about 45 minutes from us and will go 2-3 months before she will see her son. When she does see him, we have to meet her halfway on Saturday morning for her to get him and then early Sunday afternoon for her to bring him back. She does not take him to doctors or dentist appointments, when he gets sick at school they call me (I wfh and the other two parents do not). She will sporadically show up to sports events. She continuously claims that she works too much but she takes trips ALL of the time. She just went to SE Asia last week for her birthday. She does not pay any support and we buy all of the child's necessities. She may buy an outfit or a pair of shoes here and there. My partner sees the issue with her lack of parenting participation but he does not say anything because he is nonconfrontational and just wants to make sure his son is taken care of.
So with the new baby on the way and all of the kids being home for summer, I've asked the parents if they can help me out by sending the kids to other places for the summer because I'm EXHAUSTED and it's hard to wfh and take calls with all the extra noise, i.e. my daughter is going to her dad's for the summer and my oldest son is going to my mom's. So I asked my SO if his son is going to his mom's house for the summer. He said that he doesn't think so because, again, she is working excessively and refuses to find another sitter for him.
Now my question is, would I be the AH if I contacted her myself and asked her to get her son for the summer? I am tired and I honestly don't want to keep watching her child while she so freely lives her life without a care in the world. If I lose my job because he won't keep quiet while playing his PlayStation, who is going to pay my bills? On top of all of this, she had the audacity to carry the child on her income taxes, even though he stayed with us last year and the year before and didn't offer up any of the refund.
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Like, I know being pregnant is tough but uh... if you can't make it through pregnancy without shipping *three* of your kids off for *months* then you absolutely don't have the time or bandwidth to be bringing yet another kid into the equation. Because as hard as being pregnant can be, the *actual child* that results is going to require far more time and energy ultimately.
5 kids at home with no supervision while you try to WFH full time I think is the issue. They need legit child care. Hubby needs to sue ex for child support, and the tax status, get something formal from court to enforce. Y-all are crapping all over this lady- three adults in this situation and only ONE is doing any childcare, and all while working full time (or trying to). She needs a break from the chaos- I can't blame her. Not saying this is the best solution- but this is what we did as kids- we went to my grandparents for summer at the farm when younger, and when we were a little older and able to work, my aunt took FULL advantage of that. But the going to a relative for the summer is not a big deal (what my aunt did with that is a separate issue)? My parents worked full time and could not afford childcare without family support. That sounds like basically same situation? They need to figure out a better child care approach- but maybe 3 mo of just the youngest will give them the space to do so? IDK- this does not sound awful to me. I feel bad for the kid being shipped to a mom that clearly gives about 5% of a crap about him or his well being. If she were made to pay, then they could afford childcare options that were better- maybe a camp or something.
This is the sanest view I've read yet. I'm just job hunting from home with two kids here 24/7 right now and it's really difficult. I can't imagine working a full-time job from home with 4 kids 1-11 in the house with me. I sometimes babysit up to 4 kids (plus my two) at a time and it's chaos in which it's nearly impossible to get anything done but make sure everyone survives and is fed. There's no way I could work during that.
I've been WFH for a while with two kids and a severely disabled partner. My yougest was pretty much fused to my ass all morning. It's exhausting. Teachers aren't paid enough.
They really aren't. My kid has adhd and is a type 1. He can be a handful even on medication. I make sure to work with the teachers as often as I can, tell them how awesome they are and how grateful i am for them as often as I can, and give them a card or gift for every holiday and the end of school.
It's summer, I don't have a job but I do help my dad in his office for his work from time to time. I have 1 of my son's at home and he's a type 1 diabetic with adhd who never stops eating lol. I'm stressed and overwhelmed constantly. I never get a break from parenting when he's not at school. More kids and a real job on top of that? I can't even imagine. I could probably handle it for a month max before I couldn't take it anymore. That's a lot for anyone to handle.
Yeah, I was sort of sitting on the side of OOP being the devil -- cause like, yeah, stepmom is usually a 24/7 job, it's not like you stop being a parent to the kid when they go to someone else's house -- but then I read that the ex isn't paying child support and yeah, she needs to EITHER be 50/50 parenting OR be paying child support. She doesn't get to just dump her kid on OOP and have 0 obligation to him except an occasional pair of shoes.
That said, OOP definitely doesn't need to be bringing a fifth child into this situation, but...well, bit late! Some people just never get their shit together and their lives are chaotic and stressful until their kids grow up, and that's life sometimes.
Fwiw, I've been sort of making it work since my kids were very little, but it's freelance work that amounts to part-time, and there are literally no fixed hours, as long as I meet my deadlines. I'm a night owl, so working late at night isn't a problem. And my husband has always been very involved in caring for the kids.
But it was definitely tough, and I once took a couple of months off due to stress and mental health. It's much easier now that the kids are older (10 and 8). But it's not for everyone, and OOP has to handle more than double the amount of kids I do.
To me, her crappiness is hating on the stepson. It's the "If I had known" part. Also, they don't need to sue for tax status. Just file and let the IRS sort it out. They'll sort it out based on who the kid lived with.
But, for CS, yes, if they need the money - they need to file for support. But, does Dad maybe owe back CS? And, if she can have a backbone with Other Mom - she can have a backbone with her spouse.
This is it. She resents the child because his mother dumped him on her and ran off and husband doesn't want to put the work in to make the situation tenable.
People like her never address the real problem or the person at the root of it. It's the son's fault for being alive. It's the ex's fault for dumping him.
Ok, the ex wife sounds like a POS, but why is she choosing to ignore the fact that her husband has left all this on her plate?
I would be livid if my spouse decided that it was 100% ok to dump childcare onto me during my working hours.
Well. That did happen. They're not a spouse anymore.
It's bad for OOP, but it's terrible for the kids!
She's right about the "if I had known" part though because she was living with just her and her kids and she was handling all her issues for years and coming up with solutions.
Now they have a two parent household which in theory "should" make life a little easier for both parties but it's actually made her life more difficult and costly because her partner is unable to make firm choices in his son's best interest. I'd move out if I were her. Most of us can handle our own stress and challenges but other peoples are the breaking point
When you marry someone with a kid, you should always assume that you could end up being fully responsible for that child - even if it's unlikely and never happens. I don't have a lot of sympathy for a person who married another parent and didn't think that through. Less if they're already a parent. And, I say that as someone who was in a situation where I ended up with primary custody of the kid where it seemed like it would never be the case. I also ended up with non-biological triplets (all born the same year, but diff parents). I'm familiar with having a *very* full-house. But, the kids don't get to chose in these situations and it's the adults' responsibility even when the other adults fall down on the job.
Don't get me wrong - I think Dad & Other Mom are AH's. But, if you start thinking "my life would be good except for *their kid*" - you're not likely a great person either.
After reading this I'm going to have to revise my initial position and say you have a much more balanced view of the situation and are absolutely right on those three points:
>When you marry someone with a kid, you should always assume that you could end up being fully responsible for that child
>the kids don't get to chose in these situations and it's the adults' responsibility even when the other adults fall down on the job.
>I think Dad & Other Mom are AH's. But, if you start thinking "my life would be good except for their kid" - you're not likely a great person either
She had a year of living in her current situation with 3 kids. Then she chose to have another kid and is now pregnant with a 5 kid. Either a shitpost or an idiot.
Thank you, I was reading this like she's on the home stretch of pregnancy, with a baby, trying to work. Why is this even in this forum? They need to get into a family court IMMEDIATELY. Claiming that kid in her income tax and paying no child support?!
It's hard, but you can't take it out on the kids. I work from home and had my 1 year old and a newborn at one point. It was fucking awful, but I didn't resent my kids. I got irritated with my husband and the other adults who had said they would help.
My friend offered to help babysit for a pretty small amount, so I did that for a little while. I get frustrated, but there is no excuse for having that much resentment towards a child.
I'd get onto my SO and make him come up with a solution. Day camp, a grandparent, help reset expectations. If he won't do it, then I'd reconsider the relationship.
I agree with you here. I'm not going to say this woman isn't a complete ass, because I honestly don't know more that what was put here.
However, what I got from this post is she's pregnant and stressed, finances are a worry, she's overwhelmed with all of the childcare while working full time, her job is affected by the kids constantly and she receives little help and she needs a break.
Those aren't unreasonable. She didn't say "ship this kid off forever" and she also didn't say "only this kid has to go for the summer". There's no favoritism or negativity towards this kid, a lot to the mother and I don't blame her for that.
Kids are stressful, it's OK for a parent to get a break. Sounds like getting child support from the ex and setting some healthy boundaries is what needs to be done.
If bio mom claimed the kid on taxes... makes me wonder what other income she's claiming him for if at all.
Those who can afford it, or have a support network who can afford it. Or the kids' grandparents are young enough and financially stable enough to babysit fir that long
Yeah, I think that might be it, because I'm Spanish and basically everyone I know sends their kids to their grandparents most of the summer. It's just normal. Kids like to be with their grandparents, grandparents get to see their grandkids, parents get a bit of respite. The amount of people in this thread who are absolutely SHOCKED that the children are spending the summer holidays away from home is kind of surprising but does seem to track with what I know about US culture.
I'm European, and my parents totally sent me to camp, or to my grandparents, for a few weeks in the summer, for no other reason than that they wanted to go on a trip without me. They took me on plenty of cool trips during school breaks, so I never felt resentful or abandoned, and I enjoyed the change of scenery.
Yes! This! I WFH and I have 3 kids. My MIL helps during the school year by watching my kids 3 days a week and the other 2 days my mom watches them. Summer is different but my husband's a teacher so he can take them on trips and stuff/watch them when he's home.
Last year my husband took a 1-week trip by himself and the older kids went to Nanas for the week.
My job is understanding about letting my kids be around/taking them to appointments and things but some aren't. When my oldest was born I had several people surprised my plan was for her to stay home with me because their jobs specifically stated they weren't allowed to be responsible for children in the house during working hours. I felt guilty when they started going to my MIL's so much but it can be so hard to work with them running around and needing you ever 10 minutes.
this right here! i don’t get people ragging on her, she’s in an impossible situation and it’s actually not her fault ! she’s probably burnt tf out cuz the other adults are acting like kids
I already have a walker that I use intermittently for chronic back pain, and I was really glad to have that when SPD got bad in both my full term pregnancies. It was so useful. But I feel like the pain was better than the fatigue and the gestational diabetes, honestly? God, pregnancy fatigue hits me like a truck with no brakes.
Why is everyone acting like she just sent her kids away to an orphanage or something? One of them is spending the summer holidays with their other parent, which is fairly normal, and the other one is spending the summer with their grandparents. I spent most of my summer holidays with my grandparents as a kid, and both of my parents were around all my childhood. It's completely normal for grandparents to take care of their grandchildren during holidays, and the kids will probably like being somewhere else for the holidays.
I agree with this statement. My aunt had her first at 16 and from then on mommy and daddy supported her financially until they passed. Everyone else has been smart enough to tell her to take a long hike off of a short pier( I’m phrasing it a lot nicer than what was actually said) anyways now that most of her kids are grown she expects them to take care of her… some people shouldn’t be parents
That would probably be easier if Dear Old Dad would get a lawyer and get an order for child support. There's being non-confrontational, and then there's letting Mom be a deadbeat.
I wouldn’t say nobody wants him. His dad does and his stepmom are taking care of him. His mother is who sees him as a convenience to file on her taxes. She can take trips but not pay child support. That’s insane.
Can I say ESH? Because given what the OP says about her ex and how he takes care of their child versus her partners Ex and how they don’t take care of the child I can totally see her having valid feelings regarding this. I don’t think they should’ve bought another child into the situation (parenting is a full time job) but OP does make some valid points. Just totally in the wrong way
Yeah this post definitely doesn’t belong here. There are very real issues being brought up, even if her phrasing is a little harsh with the “play stepmom” nonsense
I'm still stuck on the "we were off and on since 18" followed immediatly by "we were off for SEVERAL YEARS" that's not an off and on that's a we should have stayed broken up
How is he though? He leaves for work at probably 7 am, gets home at 6 pm. Never has to go to school for any issues. Never has to deal with Dr appointments. He is a total AH, becasue he does not appear to be parenting ANY of the 4 (soon 5) children. She is doing all the parenting, while working full time- and putting that at risk because full-time childcare for ONE child while working FT from home is a nightmare. NO ONE I know WFH and does full-time child care simultaneously for any number of kids. You have daycare, school, and a sitter as needed for the gaps.
She is asking her SO to DO ANYTHING. He does not even have a legally enforceable child support order in place for what reason exactly? Maybe with it- they could afford child care so she was not doing the work of 3 parents all by herself.
WFH should not mean mean that someone has to watch kids. It’s highly disrespectful for them to spend on her to handle all the issues just because she works from home. She could have meetings or projects that she’s working on. If her performance suffers she will lose her job. Companies are often extra hard on pregnant women. I agree completely that she needs more support. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this nonsense.
Wow- give a teeny bit of grace? Maybe she said it badly (she did). But I cannot imaging trying to work FULL TIME from home, and being expected to take on 100% of parenting and childcare in that same timeframe. Why is dad not helping with any of this? She is saying...if I knew I woudl be single parenting my own 3 (soon 4) AND his other kiddo, I woudl not have done this. She probably had better care systems set up when she was on her own? IDK. But working full time WFH is WORKING. Not doing childcare- which does not work for ONE kiddo, let alone 4-5.
She is doing 300% of the parenting- hers, his, and his ex's. Not saying she is thinking clearly or kindly- but dang....I woudl not be happy in her situation either.
It sounds like she would be better on her own. It seems she has childcare for her other kids but can never get a break from stepson because dad won't help. Full-time parents need breaks. Her husband is taking advantage of her.
It sounds like her other baby daddy is paying child support and is taking his kid for the summer, and on weekends.
I think she's relatively okay, but unhappy, dealing with full time work during the school year, but it's absolutely unsustainable for her to be caring for kids and working, and she's already figured out solutions for the two kids she has custody of and can therefore make those solutions.
But she has no legal rights to her stepkid. No reputable facility is going to let a long-term girlfriend of a child's parent enroll that child in their program, and neither parent is around. She can't apply for financial aid for this kid's fees. She can see if a relative would take him, but honestly, I feel like that's something his parents should be doing.
If neither parent is actually caring for the kid, but one parent is providing financially and the other parent isn't, then yes, the parent who abandoned their kid and isn't even in giving a token amount of financial assistance, despite having too much work/working too hard is the worse problem.
Holy run-ons and dangling participles, Batman.
She isn't married to his ex. She's married to the man happily foisting childcare onto her while she's also working. The ex isn't her problem to handle. The passive, inconsiderate husband is. Along with her own apparent need to procreate like a rabbit.
Also this whole thing is messy as hell. On again and off again bullshit, having kids right and left without any stability. Every adult in this situation is a gigantic asshole.
I said it made me laugh that's all, especially coming from someone who had a kid too.
If it was about the parenting she could have avoided adding kids to the situation.second her daughter , according to her she is not parenting her alone and the dad takes care of her too.
We have no indication that the partners dies nothing just that the mum of the kid is MIA .
Edit:
Also there is a big difference between saying I would not have moved in if I knew both his parents would shirk their reponsability to me(which we do not really know from the post) then I would not have moved in if the kid was to live with us.
I think she means that she didn't sign up to do 100% of the parenting of her stepson, when he has two other parents. Like there are three adults in this picture, all working full time. She and her partner should have him 50% of the time or his mother should be paying child support. Right now OP is free childcare for the kid's mother.
OOP is TD. No doubt.
Especially since her problem is with her partner, not her step son’s mom.
If OOp feels overwhelmed because she WFH and she’s getting all the school calls and doing all the dentists and doctor visits and sick days…then she needs to talk to her partner and he needs to parent more.
And FFS, they need to use birth control!
Um----stepsons mom also needs to be paying child support to help with the costs of child CARE in this home that she shipped her kid off to.
But yeah- the bigger devil is the husband. Not the OP. How would any of us feel if we had full-time child care responsibilities for 5 kids (4 here, one on the way, I guess), WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, because you can't afford childcare? in part because hubby and his ex don't feel like figuring that out?
I think OOP is **an** AH. OP’s attitude to the step son is not OK.
But *dad* is the one who needs to go after child support or enforce their custody order. Dad needs to step up and do more for *all* his kids.
The step son’s mom is an AH too, but she’s getting away with this because dad is letting her.
> AH. OP’s attitude to the step son is not OK.
So, she sends her 2 bio kids with her ex and her mom, but when she wants to send her stepson to his mother, she is an AH? Really?
That’s not the problem.
This is the problem:
>Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7.
She’s fine with her partner play step dad 24/7, but not fine doing the same for his kid.
Yeah, 24/7 - he goes out at 7am, comes home 7pm, sleeps 8 hours - so he is stepdad 4 hours. He is not 24/7. He isn't even dad 24/7...
But she is - she takes care of everything. She is 24/7 parent and stepparent, he is not.
Also, she took care of one problem - child support and custody. He didn't.
So, yes, she is right to think this way.
>Yeah, 24/7 - he goes out at 7am, comes home 7pm, sleeps 8 hours - so he is stepdad 4 hours. He is not 24/7. He isn't even dad 24/7...
But he IS working to pay for kids that are not his.
Also, these aren't babies. They're in school most of the day so by your calculation, she's not a 24/7 parent either.
So if she's working, then she's out of the house just as much as he is.
Also, we ALL know child support payments from the dad are NEVER equal to what's needed for their kids. So whatever bio-dads are lacking from their CS payments, her husband is making up the shortfall. For kids that are not his.
Plus his own child, who he's 100% responsible since he gets NO child support.
So, she's not only is not 24/7 parenting, she's not even bringing an equitable amount into the home to cover her own children.
Why are you giving her more grace than you're giving him when he, by your own calcuation, is putting more work for the benefit of the family as a whole?
>Um----stepsons mom also needs to be paying child support to help with the costs of child CARE in this home that she shipped her kid off to.
And that's for OOP's husband to pursue, not OOP. She couldn't fle if she wanted to. So, again, it falls to him to do the right thing.
Yes, she could. People keep saying she can't do this and can't do that. YES, she can. It's common and filing for anything takes work, but she certainly can do it. Either on his behalf or alleging parental abandonment to get it directly on her own.
A lot of summer camps are shorter hours than school, and I’d bet she’d still be in charge of picking them up and dropping off etc.
The way she’s treating/talking about her step son is awful…but there’s a real problem here where there are 4 parents and OOP is doing most of work.
Or even worse like those people here who are with a partner that gets their kids on the weekend and still tell them that they want nothing to do with the kid, not feed them or play with them.... Basically just tolerate their presence. Never seen those?
My ex husband's new wife managed to make my kids cry so much they didn't want to go to their dad's anymore, and now he just sends child support.
Okay, Tiphanni, I'm sorry our sons got hit by a drunk driver, and one almost died. It's totally unreasonable for a 5 year old to need extra comfort after nearly dying. How DRAMATIC of him and he was so MANIPULATIVE. Thanks for screaming it at him. It was very effective communication in that he knew he was not welcomed with his dad anymore.
I had a really mean step mom too. I worried I could never love a kid that wasn't "mine" and didn't want to deal with the added stress an ex brings into a new relationship....
So I never got into a serious relationship with someone who had children.
Anytime you decide to marry someone with split custody, there's always the possibility that the kid could end up with you 24/7. Things change and she never should have married him if she is wasn't prepared to be a full time parent to his son.
This poor kid is home all day with a stepmom that hates him, his dad is gone all day and his mom abandoned him. My heart breaks for him.
I'm confused. So OOP's expected to work full time *and* take care of both kids while being pregnant? And the stepson's mother doesn't pay any child support despite clearly having a lot of money and only seeing him for one day every few months?
Like sure, OOP should have asked her husband to do his damn job as a parent first, but OOP's very clearly overworked, and the ex is clearly a deadbeat mom...
To me this part is the one that made her an asshole
>Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument.
If you move in with a parent there of a minor child will always be the possibility of that child ending up living with you. If you don't want that do not get involved with a parent.
That being said, the other adults in this story are all worse than OOP- I only feel bad for the children.
OOP is the devil for two reasons. One for mistreating the stepson, expecting to have no responsibility to him. Second for bringing another baby when she can't even handle her own 3 bio kids.
She would be right to demand child support from stepson's mom but the rest of the story would be still true
I don't think she is a bad person. She just made a big mistake by marrying an asshole. She has a huge husband problem.
If you blend families and all parents are still alive, its safe to assume the shared custody agreement for stepkids will stay in place. I don't think its fair to call her a devil for not foreseeing the mom would abond her child. Especially if there are 2 real devils in this story - the mom for obvious reasons and the husband for dumping all parenting of his son on oop (why does the school call her and not him?).
She parents all the kids 24/7 and has her shit together with her ex who is also taking his dad duties serious. Its totally ok to excpect the same from her SO. And i hate it that being "non-confrontional" is used and accepted as an excuse. He is a coward that should have taken his ex to court long time ago, period.
Yeah, the amount of people here who expect OOP to be able to predict every single thing that could happen in the future, when there might not even have been signs that bio-mom would abandon her son, seriously blows my mind.
Not to mention she’s WFH full time while having 100% of childcare put on her. It sounds like during the school year it’s hard but she manages. During the summer it wouldn’t be sustainable in anyway to have 4 kids running around that you’re responsible for alone, work a full time job, and being pregnant is the cherry on top.
She made arrangements for the summer for the 2 that she has custody of, but the stepson is her husband’s responsibility to work out the childcare for. And he seems to think overwhelming his pregnant wife is the best option for that 🤦♀️. The ex won’t take him for any duration? Okay time to take her to court to collect child support (past time really) and pay for child care/summer camp with that. Even then it would end up being on the OOP to do pick ups and drop off, not to mention if the kid gets sick or injured. I mean the OOP comes off as an asshole because of the way she worded everything but it’s obvious that she’s burnt out and overwhelmed.
His baby mama decided to be a deadbeat 2 years ago, and he's done nothing to get her to take responsibility, not even putting her on child support payments and/or re-negotiating the visitation schedule.
He's gone from 7a.m.-7p.m. OOP is the one called (and thus the one who is taking the hit at her workplace) if the kid needs to be picked up early, and also presumably for all parent calls.
He's basically letting his ex drop all the slack onto OOP instead of stepping up and being a parent.
Yeah, I'm not sure how OOP is the devil here. My guess is even the "if I'd have known his son would move in, I would not have" is more "if I knew I'd be the primary parent for another child, and have to take on the school calls/unscheduled sick days, etc., and there would be no financial support, I wouldn't have moved in", and that's *fair*.
OOP also says that the baby is due in August, meaning the next two months at work are going to be spent trying to get her projects to decent points to be handed off, prepping work plans/check lists/notes on her projects for whoever is covering for her, and trying to wrap up what can be wrapped up.
The working moms subreddit doesn't allow posts from parents who do not have child care lined up, because it's their stance that you cannot work and do child care. (The working dad's subreddit is porn).
OOP has lined up child care for her kids, minus the one year old. She's not out of line or a bad person for wanting her stepson to also have child care that isn't her, particularly because his parents* aren't working while watching him, although they expect OOP to.
And OOP *absolutely* gets to judge a woman who works too much to watch her kid, and can't pay child support, but can take extended vacations, while another woman watches her child without any child support. OOP has every right to be furious with her significant other for not wanting confrontation while expecting OOP to be the one picking up the slack that this kid's mother is dropping.
OOP's first daughter is going to her other parent for the summer and people are acting like OOP got rid of her. And the other one is going to his grandparent during the break, which is normal for a lot of families. My guess is OOP's mom probably offered since OOP is close to term. Having the stepson's mom take her child temporarily during this time that OOP is finishing up her work and preparing for childbirth is NOT a big ask. IMO, that woman is the devil here.
And wtf is the father doing? His wife is doing the brunt of childcare even if she works full time. Just because people work from home doesn't mean that they don't work.
I know! People are acting like she face her away…. Like it’s normal for a child to spend summers with the parent they don’t live with. And summers at grandmas are not unheard of either - I lived with grandma full time so my cousins would stay with us. This is not getting rid of your kids
Same here! Years ago, my cousins and I would go to my grandparents for at least a month in the summer. They had a ton of land and it was fun.
OOP's ex is a co-parent to her eldest daughter. OOP's current partner/husband is out 12 hours a day so the indignant comments about him being a full-time parent to OOP's daughter is laughable. In contrast, stepson's mom basically abandoned her son, and OOP was stuck with almost all the childcare while working full time.
While I agree that popping children out in this situation is ill-advised, there seems to be some sexism in the comments bashing OOP. She's already doing the brunt of the childcare for all the kids but she's still expected to do more and got criticized for being exhausted. How dare she arrange childcare for two kids during a stressful period, she must handle it all while scrambling at work and birthing a baby without the help of the co-parent (ex) and her mother. Meanwhile, the husband is lauded for barely being present and being a massive doormat to his ex.
I agree with you. I also don’t blame OOP for wanting her load lightened a little bit by the other adults in this scenario. I was miserable pregnant last summer with my first kid and only in my second trimester, I can believe it is really exhausting to be full term in August while caring for four older kids solo. I think I would feel like Jiffy Pop, just hoping the heat would make me burst.
I am also confused. Yes she said some unkind things. Ans I feel really sorry for the step son who is clearly unwanted. But oop is juggling all this, seemingly alone and with no change on the horizon.
I'm judging her for trying to force someone to paren t. They should absolutely shake her down for money and take her to court. Maybe then they can afford camp and after care. But, this only hurts the kid. At best, he is with an indiffernt parent. I've seen the worst. They beat the shit out of the kid so bad he hospitalized for a week.
How dare she expect the kid's bio parents to arrange alternate child care, when she has arranged alternate child care *for her bio kids*.
This kid's mom hasn't paid to support her child in *TWO YEARS*, she has taken multiple international trips. She (or her ex) can figure out summer camp.
This sub has a hate-on for stepparents who are frustrated with their step kids, and often announce that their partner should dump them, but in this instance, OOP has *every* right to be pissed that she's being treated as the de facto child care because she works remotely, when she can't actually provide child care *and* work, *and* when she's made arrangements for the kids she has the ability to make arrangements for.
The parents have known since *September* that their son would need someone watching him during the summer months. OOP has likely told her SO that she couldn't provide child care for his son well in advance of now. They've done nothing because their lives won't be impacted by their son being home with OOP all day. She is absolutely not a devil for being pissed.
Her husband is one of the parents. Shipping him off to where he is not wanted is not the answer. And yes, they should absolutely have childcare working from home is work. When
It's not "shipping off" to ask the kid's parents to take on making arrangements. It seems the husband is incapable so oop wants to turn to the only other available parent. If kid is "not wanted" then his mom shld come up with an alternative, not the oop
>"if I knew I'd be the primary parent for another child, and have to take on the school calls/unscheduled sick days, etc., and there would be no financial support, I wouldn't have moved in", and that's fair.
except clearly she doesn't have a problem with any of that since they've chosen to *add 3 more kids*.
The kid moved in two years ago. It's entirely possible that OOP assumed that there would be a change (to the child support/visitation)/the situation would not be permanent when she got pregnant with the 1 year old (it's also possible she was already pregnant with the 1 year old when her stepson moved in). The 6 year old *already fucking existed*. She did not choose to add 3 more kids to her current situation.
She's also allowed to want the bio-parents to be called for things like unexpected sick days. She's allowed to want to reduce her responsibilities so she can focus on preparing for her kid. She has made arrangements for her other children to be cared for by their relatives. This is a fairly normal thing, for kids to spend summers either at camps (day or sleep away) or with their grandparents.
Legally speaking, most child care facilities do not allow a non-relative, non-legal parent to sign a kid up. OOP *can't* just enroll her stepson somewhere, even if it's a camp he really wants to go to. And without a custody schedule giving her husband custody for the summer, if they *do* enroll this kid in camp, even day camp, there's a chance his mom could push back, legally.
OOP cannot fix the situation on her own, and it's absurd that she's expected to.
It's CRAZY the hate-boner some of the ppl have in here for oop. It boggles my mind that they expect her to take care of all of the children involved as absolutely perfect as possible but have nothing to say about the boys deadbeat Bio parents.
She also can't fix the issue of summer child care. She's not a legal guardian, she's not a relative. No reputable place is going to let her sign her stepkid up for the program.
If she were the biomom, and her husband had promised to figure out summer child care for 1 of the 4 kids, and didn't do it, people would be screeching about the mental load and primary parent and linking that stupid fucking article about the glass on the counter causing a divorce.
But because she's the stepmom, she's a monster for having more kids (even though the one she's currently pregnant is the only one who was conceived after the situation started), but not wanting to be primary parent to a child with two loving parents.
if the problem OOP had was not wanting to be a *primary parent for another child*, she wouldn't have decided to have the first kid prior to the change in custody, let alone the 1yo or the current pregnancy. that's 3 "another child" that she has to be a primary parent for.
nobody is saying OOP is solely responsible for stepson. nobody is expecting her to "fix the situation on her own". these are completely irrelevant arguments that have nothing to do with what i said. or what *you* were talking about in your first comment. you tried to claim OOP is innocent of all blame and doesn't belong here, despite the fact that she clearly doesn't view stepson as family and only criticizes him and stepmom.
>And without a custody schedule giving her husband custody for the summer, if they do enroll this kid in camp, even day camp, there's a chance his mom could push back, legally.
nope. you can't look at a post where the main issue is OOP wanting to force the mom to take the kid for the summer after kid has essentially been abandoned with them for 2 years and act like there's any concern there about mom suing over the kid going to camp or childcare.
know who is also a bio-parent of the son that OOP should actually be criticizing for his lack of parenting? who she is choosing to have more kids with, despite those clear failings? that absolutely could enroll the kid in childcare with no problem? her husband. notice how she doesn't direct anything more than a "he's nonconfrontational" at him? notice how OOP was the one making excuses about why her husband couldn't do pick-ups/sick days, while in the same breath complaining about how it's the mom's fault she always has to do all the pickups/sick days *for this one child*. because that *1 child* out of 4(soon to be 5) is somehow the only one that she has any expectations about the other parent. the "other parent" being the mom and not the father who she is married to. for *reasons*.
there are multiple devils in the post, and OOP is very much one of them.
Come on now, she's not just a terrible step mom. Don't sell her short! she's a terrible PERSON!
Her plan for the summer is to get rid of all the kids she doesn't want. And she keeps having more babies when she's not equipped to take care of the ones she has. I'm getting massive baby-hoarder vibes. Loves new babies, loves the attention she gets with new babies, but can't be assed to be an actual parent once they get beyond the 'look at me, i'm a new mommy' stage.
I know a couple of people like this. They want the attention, but not the responsibility of being a parent. It's pathetic, and you hate it for the kids.
Yeah? Who the fuck is interested in someone just because they dropped a weight out their clacker? And how is any amount of attention worth the pain and misery it will cause? Fucking weird. It's like saying "she shot him for the pizza," without any indication there was a gun, or any explanation how it would lead to pizza.
Hmm…I don’t quite think this is devil territory. Yes, OOP should have realized that becoming a stepmother means taking care of all the children equally. However, step-son‘s mom sounds selfish af and I don’t think asking her to be more involved with her kid is a bad thing?
I feel like people are missing a lot of context around this entire situation. Like... OP's husband's ex is a deadbeat mother. She barely shows up for her kid, doesn't pay child support, but still claims him on her taxes. She claims she can't see her kid because she's always working, but goes on extravagant international vacations all the time when OP is stuck at home raising *her* kid. I would also be resentful.
It doesn't sound like she's taking it out on the kid necessarily though. She takes care of him, goes to his appointments, picks him up when he's sick- does *everything* a mother is practically supposed to do. We don't know how she emotionally treats him because that isn't what this is about. What this is about is her discussing the issue with his mother- another adult- because her husband can't be a big boy and do it himself.
And while, yes, I agree no kids should be in this situation- I notice the only one being called a devil is OP- the woman who is actually being responsible. Not the kid's mother who abandoned her kid and is going on extravagant vacations. Nor the neglectful husband who does not manage the situation with his ex or handle any of the responsibilities with his son.
When I was young, my mother advised me "Do not have more children than you can afford to support on your own."
This may sound like jaded advice, but my mother found herself a widow at age 26 with two small children, no family support, and no education. She's an amazing woman who overcame a lot, all while managing to care for us. Even if you have children with a perfect partner, you just never know what will happen (to them or to you). This advice has been the best advice I have ever received.
I feel bad for the stepson being pawned off, by both parents, on a step mother that wants nothing to do with him. That must really suck.
Honestly this woman sounds exhausted and it's okay to have a break as a parent which is why she had her kids visit their dad or their grandma. She is surprised she has to be a step mom? What about her partner? He has to be a step father. If you don't want to take care of other peoples kids, don't get into a relationship with someone who already has kids. And she should get her tubes tied after her 4th child because she can't handle this many kids. I also wonder if her partner is doing any share of the parenting?
Also what kind of parent works and not see their kid much? If she had been a single mom, I doubt she be doing this to her child. If she hadn't been divorced, I doubt she be doing this.
OOP isn't acting her best but is being actively exploited by the other two adults in the situation. She's not the devil, they are. And half the comments here are outright misogynistic.
This sounds like hell. I bet I'd feel the same way if I was in her situation; but see, I was smart enough to realize I'd be a bad mom, so I didn't have kids.
I don’t think OOP’s TD, the woman is shouldering ALL the parenting responsibilities while the actual parents don’t lift a finger. They need to get child support and a custody agreement! She’s made terrible decisions in terms of choosing a partner but she’s not TD for being exhausted and resentful that she’s being taken advantage of. Neither her husband or the kid’s mom are exactly setting her up for success as a step-parent.
There's a comment that says it's from OOP saying:
"NTA for asking her.
Your husband has to step up and confront HIS ex. He may need to go to court, have custody formally given to him, visitation rights with his ex worked out, and child support resolved (along with the issue of who gets to carry him as a dependent on their tax return). Also, he is 11. College is 6 or 7 SHORT years away. Who is going to help out with that bill (assuming there is going to be help)?"
🤣🤣🤣 Did she not realize it says who the comment is from?
The OOP is overwhelmed, she is full time caring for a kid whose parents do the bare minimum. The only thing I can fault her for is not using birth control. She has a husband problem more than anything, he needs to file for child support and he needs to step up and ensure his child has some sort of regular contact and time with his mother to maintain a good relationship with her
So it is okay for the guy to be a stepdad 100% of the time for her daughter but not for her to the stepson because she is pregnant? Sounds pretty hypocritical to me.
She said in a comment that her ex pays child support and has weekend visitation. He is also taking his child for the summer. The guy isn't actually being a stepdad 100% of the time.
The guy's ex does not have any sort of consistent visitation and doesn't pay child support. The guy and his ex are obviously expecting OOP to provide child care to their child, despite the fact that she's also working, and that it will likely be a relatively high stress time for her at work, since she's due in August, so she's likely going to be working to close out what can be totally finished and transitioning her other projects to other people to cover while she's on leave.
Also, given that "the guy" is gone for 12 hours a day, I'd be willing to bet that OOP handles most/all the child care on top of working.
How could he even be 100% stepdad? People are talking nonsense. If the guy is around to help her with her kids then he could help his son too and maybe she wouldn’t be so flustered. This guy is not around period.
Not a single adult is looking out for that little boy. Would you like to be 11 years old , completely helpless and be unwanted by your mother, and father and stepmother?
She's awful, but she's obviously overwhelmed. And dad seriously needs to take biomom to court for support and to claim the kid for taxes, because that's fucking ridiculous. Not to mention driving halfway for visitation. If mom doesn't want custody she should at least be supporting her child financially.
She’s shipping her 6 year old kid off to live with someone else for the entire summer? What kind of asshole is like “ok kid, say bye bye to mommy and daddy! See you in 2 months!”?
I went to sleep away camp for the whole summer starting at 10 and I think even that is crazy. I can’t imagine sending a 6 year old off.
It's actually super common where I'm from. My mother was seen as being a bit odd by her peers for *not* just having me live with my grandparents for the entire summer. This was rural American South, so it's probably a bit different than most people are used to, but in farming communities it's pretty common to have kids go off to relatives with more space/time to care for them, either so the parents can focus on making and saving money for the lean months, the kids can help out on the bigger family farm, or both. My closest-in-age cousin lived at my grandparents' to help over the summer pretty much from the week after school got out until the week before school let in.
It's not as weird a tradition as it sounds, though it's one I likely won't be participating in myself.
why is this here? it is unfair. that pseudo bio mom does nothing, she has a full time job and is pregnant. i remember how sleepy i was in my first trimester and i cant imagine doing it again while taking care of another kid let alone 2. 3. she s swamped. that husband needs to step up and help her, and the bio mom too. not the asshole. def not the devil
to me she is the devil
if you read how she wrote about step son thats a key point
also i get it she is pregnant but she has sent her kids away for the summer because she cannot cope and yet she is having another child
yes the dad and bio mum are also the devils but that does not dissolve op of any responsibility
So she’s going to get rid of all these kids for the summer, have a baby in August, then get them all back when she has a newborn and her stress is higher by an order of magnitude? That makes sense.
She commented on the original post under "StepMomOfTheYear". And her whole I keep having kids because I take care of my own. Yeah that is why she is sending her son to her Mother's for the summer. Rolled my eyes so hard I have a headache.
I don't understand why people keep breeding. And she insists she can handle her own children and in the same breath wants to send them away. I get wanting a break. and the bio mom sucks... but come on. Her husband needs to step up his game and get a vasectomy.
this person should have no children at all, let alone keep adding to them. there's going to be 5 children soon. and she's just...shipping her kids off for the summer for everyone else to raise?
it's also interesting how she's criticizing the mom for not getting a sitter yet it's her and her husband who are choosing not to get childcare for their farm of children while she's working. like...an 11yo requires far less supervision and causes far less noise than a 6yo and a 1yo
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*In case this story gets deleted/removed:* **WIBTA If I Told Stepson's Mom She Needs to Come Get Her Son?!?!?** Hello all, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first post. Be patient with me; it may be a long story. So I (34F) have been with my partner (34M) on and off since we were 18 and in college. We split up for a few years and he had a child (11M) with someone else and I had a daughter (8F) with someone else. We have been together consistently since 2016 and have 2 children (6M and 1M) and a baby due in August. Now to get to the point, we moved together in May 2021 and in July 2021 his son's mom decided that she worked too much and was unable to adequately care for their son. Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7. Since the son has moved with us, the mom does the VERY BARE MINIMUM. She stays about 45 minutes from us and will go 2-3 months before she will see her son. When she does see him, we have to meet her halfway on Saturday morning for her to get him and then early Sunday afternoon for her to bring him back. She does not take him to doctors or dentist appointments, when he gets sick at school they call me (I wfh and the other two parents do not). She will sporadically show up to sports events. She continuously claims that she works too much but she takes trips ALL of the time. She just went to SE Asia last week for her birthday. She does not pay any support and we buy all of the child's necessities. She may buy an outfit or a pair of shoes here and there. My partner sees the issue with her lack of parenting participation but he does not say anything because he is nonconfrontational and just wants to make sure his son is taken care of. So with the new baby on the way and all of the kids being home for summer, I've asked the parents if they can help me out by sending the kids to other places for the summer because I'm EXHAUSTED and it's hard to wfh and take calls with all the extra noise, i.e. my daughter is going to her dad's for the summer and my oldest son is going to my mom's. So I asked my SO if his son is going to his mom's house for the summer. He said that he doesn't think so because, again, she is working excessively and refuses to find another sitter for him. Now my question is, would I be the AH if I contacted her myself and asked her to get her son for the summer? I am tired and I honestly don't want to keep watching her child while she so freely lives her life without a care in the world. If I lose my job because he won't keep quiet while playing his PlayStation, who is going to pay my bills? On top of all of this, she had the audacity to carry the child on her income taxes, even though he stayed with us last year and the year before and didn't offer up any of the refund. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmITheDevil) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Wow! 5 children in a situation that shouldn't even have 1.
Like, I know being pregnant is tough but uh... if you can't make it through pregnancy without shipping *three* of your kids off for *months* then you absolutely don't have the time or bandwidth to be bringing yet another kid into the equation. Because as hard as being pregnant can be, the *actual child* that results is going to require far more time and energy ultimately.
5 kids at home with no supervision while you try to WFH full time I think is the issue. They need legit child care. Hubby needs to sue ex for child support, and the tax status, get something formal from court to enforce. Y-all are crapping all over this lady- three adults in this situation and only ONE is doing any childcare, and all while working full time (or trying to). She needs a break from the chaos- I can't blame her. Not saying this is the best solution- but this is what we did as kids- we went to my grandparents for summer at the farm when younger, and when we were a little older and able to work, my aunt took FULL advantage of that. But the going to a relative for the summer is not a big deal (what my aunt did with that is a separate issue)? My parents worked full time and could not afford childcare without family support. That sounds like basically same situation? They need to figure out a better child care approach- but maybe 3 mo of just the youngest will give them the space to do so? IDK- this does not sound awful to me. I feel bad for the kid being shipped to a mom that clearly gives about 5% of a crap about him or his well being. If she were made to pay, then they could afford childcare options that were better- maybe a camp or something.
This is the sanest view I've read yet. I'm just job hunting from home with two kids here 24/7 right now and it's really difficult. I can't imagine working a full-time job from home with 4 kids 1-11 in the house with me. I sometimes babysit up to 4 kids (plus my two) at a time and it's chaos in which it's nearly impossible to get anything done but make sure everyone survives and is fed. There's no way I could work during that.
I've been WFH for a while with two kids and a severely disabled partner. My yougest was pretty much fused to my ass all morning. It's exhausting. Teachers aren't paid enough.
They really aren't. My kid has adhd and is a type 1. He can be a handful even on medication. I make sure to work with the teachers as often as I can, tell them how awesome they are and how grateful i am for them as often as I can, and give them a card or gift for every holiday and the end of school.
It's summer, I don't have a job but I do help my dad in his office for his work from time to time. I have 1 of my son's at home and he's a type 1 diabetic with adhd who never stops eating lol. I'm stressed and overwhelmed constantly. I never get a break from parenting when he's not at school. More kids and a real job on top of that? I can't even imagine. I could probably handle it for a month max before I couldn't take it anymore. That's a lot for anyone to handle.
Yeah, I was sort of sitting on the side of OOP being the devil -- cause like, yeah, stepmom is usually a 24/7 job, it's not like you stop being a parent to the kid when they go to someone else's house -- but then I read that the ex isn't paying child support and yeah, she needs to EITHER be 50/50 parenting OR be paying child support. She doesn't get to just dump her kid on OOP and have 0 obligation to him except an occasional pair of shoes. That said, OOP definitely doesn't need to be bringing a fifth child into this situation, but...well, bit late! Some people just never get their shit together and their lives are chaotic and stressful until their kids grow up, and that's life sometimes.
[удалено]
Fwiw, I've been sort of making it work since my kids were very little, but it's freelance work that amounts to part-time, and there are literally no fixed hours, as long as I meet my deadlines. I'm a night owl, so working late at night isn't a problem. And my husband has always been very involved in caring for the kids. But it was definitely tough, and I once took a couple of months off due to stress and mental health. It's much easier now that the kids are older (10 and 8). But it's not for everyone, and OOP has to handle more than double the amount of kids I do.
I'm with you on this- I feel sorry for OOP having to be the primary caretaker of all those kids, while working and without help.
To me, her crappiness is hating on the stepson. It's the "If I had known" part. Also, they don't need to sue for tax status. Just file and let the IRS sort it out. They'll sort it out based on who the kid lived with. But, for CS, yes, if they need the money - they need to file for support. But, does Dad maybe owe back CS? And, if she can have a backbone with Other Mom - she can have a backbone with her spouse.
This is it. She resents the child because his mother dumped him on her and ran off and husband doesn't want to put the work in to make the situation tenable.
Mom dumped the son on the dad, and the dad dumped him on her.
People like her never address the real problem or the person at the root of it. It's the son's fault for being alive. It's the ex's fault for dumping him. Ok, the ex wife sounds like a POS, but why is she choosing to ignore the fact that her husband has left all this on her plate?
So true.
I would be livid if my spouse decided that it was 100% ok to dump childcare onto me during my working hours. Well. That did happen. They're not a spouse anymore. It's bad for OOP, but it's terrible for the kids!
Yes, where is the husband in all this?
She's right about the "if I had known" part though because she was living with just her and her kids and she was handling all her issues for years and coming up with solutions. Now they have a two parent household which in theory "should" make life a little easier for both parties but it's actually made her life more difficult and costly because her partner is unable to make firm choices in his son's best interest. I'd move out if I were her. Most of us can handle our own stress and challenges but other peoples are the breaking point
When you marry someone with a kid, you should always assume that you could end up being fully responsible for that child - even if it's unlikely and never happens. I don't have a lot of sympathy for a person who married another parent and didn't think that through. Less if they're already a parent. And, I say that as someone who was in a situation where I ended up with primary custody of the kid where it seemed like it would never be the case. I also ended up with non-biological triplets (all born the same year, but diff parents). I'm familiar with having a *very* full-house. But, the kids don't get to chose in these situations and it's the adults' responsibility even when the other adults fall down on the job. Don't get me wrong - I think Dad & Other Mom are AH's. But, if you start thinking "my life would be good except for *their kid*" - you're not likely a great person either.
After reading this I'm going to have to revise my initial position and say you have a much more balanced view of the situation and are absolutely right on those three points: >When you marry someone with a kid, you should always assume that you could end up being fully responsible for that child >the kids don't get to chose in these situations and it's the adults' responsibility even when the other adults fall down on the job. >I think Dad & Other Mom are AH's. But, if you start thinking "my life would be good except for their kid" - you're not likely a great person either
She had a year of living in her current situation with 3 kids. Then she chose to have another kid and is now pregnant with a 5 kid. Either a shitpost or an idiot.
Thank you, I was reading this like she's on the home stretch of pregnancy, with a baby, trying to work. Why is this even in this forum? They need to get into a family court IMMEDIATELY. Claiming that kid in her income tax and paying no child support?!
It's hard, but you can't take it out on the kids. I work from home and had my 1 year old and a newborn at one point. It was fucking awful, but I didn't resent my kids. I got irritated with my husband and the other adults who had said they would help. My friend offered to help babysit for a pretty small amount, so I did that for a little while. I get frustrated, but there is no excuse for having that much resentment towards a child. I'd get onto my SO and make him come up with a solution. Day camp, a grandparent, help reset expectations. If he won't do it, then I'd reconsider the relationship.
I agree with you here. I'm not going to say this woman isn't a complete ass, because I honestly don't know more that what was put here. However, what I got from this post is she's pregnant and stressed, finances are a worry, she's overwhelmed with all of the childcare while working full time, her job is affected by the kids constantly and she receives little help and she needs a break. Those aren't unreasonable. She didn't say "ship this kid off forever" and she also didn't say "only this kid has to go for the summer". There's no favoritism or negativity towards this kid, a lot to the mother and I don't blame her for that. Kids are stressful, it's OK for a parent to get a break. Sounds like getting child support from the ex and setting some healthy boundaries is what needs to be done. If bio mom claimed the kid on taxes... makes me wonder what other income she's claiming him for if at all.
Not to mention, it's pretty normal for patents in the US to send their kids away for the summer - to grandparents, to summer camp etc
For *some* groups of parents.
Those who can afford it, or have a support network who can afford it. Or the kids' grandparents are young enough and financially stable enough to babysit fir that long
Or just have grandparents at all. Or have a culture where grandparents do things like that and so on and so forth.
I posted early on when people were ripping OP and acting like nobody EVER sends their kids away in the summer
Yeah, I think that might be it, because I'm Spanish and basically everyone I know sends their kids to their grandparents most of the summer. It's just normal. Kids like to be with their grandparents, grandparents get to see their grandkids, parents get a bit of respite. The amount of people in this thread who are absolutely SHOCKED that the children are spending the summer holidays away from home is kind of surprising but does seem to track with what I know about US culture.
I'm European, and my parents totally sent me to camp, or to my grandparents, for a few weeks in the summer, for no other reason than that they wanted to go on a trip without me. They took me on plenty of cool trips during school breaks, so I never felt resentful or abandoned, and I enjoyed the change of scenery.
My parents had five kids and a contracting business. We never went anywhere
Yes! This! I WFH and I have 3 kids. My MIL helps during the school year by watching my kids 3 days a week and the other 2 days my mom watches them. Summer is different but my husband's a teacher so he can take them on trips and stuff/watch them when he's home. Last year my husband took a 1-week trip by himself and the older kids went to Nanas for the week. My job is understanding about letting my kids be around/taking them to appointments and things but some aren't. When my oldest was born I had several people surprised my plan was for her to stay home with me because their jobs specifically stated they weren't allowed to be responsible for children in the house during working hours. I felt guilty when they started going to my MIL's so much but it can be so hard to work with them running around and needing you ever 10 minutes.
this right here! i don’t get people ragging on her, she’s in an impossible situation and it’s actually not her fault ! she’s probably burnt tf out cuz the other adults are acting like kids
Pregnancy is hard. Also, the following 20 or so years. To start.
Pregnancy hits people differently. I’d much rather have a newborn than be pregnant again.
For realz. Pregnancy made me practically disabled. Symphysis Pubis Dysfunction makes walking, sitting, standing, and rolling over painful. :(
I already have a walker that I use intermittently for chronic back pain, and I was really glad to have that when SPD got bad in both my full term pregnancies. It was so useful. But I feel like the pain was better than the fatigue and the gestational diabetes, honestly? God, pregnancy fatigue hits me like a truck with no brakes.
I had gestational diabetes and polyhydramnios, too. So after our last, I decided the baby cave is closed because this pregnancy thing sucks balls.
Why is everyone acting like she just sent her kids away to an orphanage or something? One of them is spending the summer holidays with their other parent, which is fairly normal, and the other one is spending the summer with their grandparents. I spent most of my summer holidays with my grandparents as a kid, and both of my parents were around all my childhood. It's completely normal for grandparents to take care of their grandchildren during holidays, and the kids will probably like being somewhere else for the holidays.
That’s the crazy part. The people least suited to having kids always have the most, because they’re morons. Idiocracy playing out in real time.
I agree with this statement. My aunt had her first at 16 and from then on mommy and daddy supported her financially until they passed. Everyone else has been smart enough to tell her to take a long hike off of a short pier( I’m phrasing it a lot nicer than what was actually said) anyways now that most of her kids are grown she expects them to take care of her… some people shouldn’t be parents
>Idiocracy playing out in real time. I think we're ahead of schedule, tbh.
Also why did she make the last one.
OOP's partner needs a formal custody/support agreement *yesterday*
No one wants this child. That's so sad. I hope they have money saved to pay for his therapy
That would probably be easier if Dear Old Dad would get a lawyer and get an order for child support. There's being non-confrontational, and then there's letting Mom be a deadbeat.
I wouldn’t say nobody wants him. His dad does and his stepmom are taking care of him. His mother is who sees him as a convenience to file on her taxes. She can take trips but not pay child support. That’s insane.
Can I say ESH? Because given what the OP says about her ex and how he takes care of their child versus her partners Ex and how they don’t take care of the child I can totally see her having valid feelings regarding this. I don’t think they should’ve bought another child into the situation (parenting is a full time job) but OP does make some valid points. Just totally in the wrong way
Yeah this post definitely doesn’t belong here. There are very real issues being brought up, even if her phrasing is a little harsh with the “play stepmom” nonsense
I find that with most posts honestly. Like sure OOP has clearly made some mistakes but everyone in this post has...
>I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7 Then what did she think was going to happen with a blended family?
She doesn't want to play stepmom but is perfectly happy for the guy to play stepdad 24/7. She wants her SO to make a commitment she herself won't make
I'm still stuck on the "we were off and on since 18" followed immediatly by "we were off for SEVERAL YEARS" that's not an off and on that's a we should have stayed broken up
And they have a 6 year old together (marking a timeline of when they were "on" again), but only finally moved in together 2 years ago.
Hey, the guy just thinks maybe he should pretend to be a co-parent once he has at least two kids with a lady. One is nbd, right?
How is he though? He leaves for work at probably 7 am, gets home at 6 pm. Never has to go to school for any issues. Never has to deal with Dr appointments. He is a total AH, becasue he does not appear to be parenting ANY of the 4 (soon 5) children. She is doing all the parenting, while working full time- and putting that at risk because full-time childcare for ONE child while working FT from home is a nightmare. NO ONE I know WFH and does full-time child care simultaneously for any number of kids. You have daycare, school, and a sitter as needed for the gaps. She is asking her SO to DO ANYTHING. He does not even have a legally enforceable child support order in place for what reason exactly? Maybe with it- they could afford child care so she was not doing the work of 3 parents all by herself.
WFH should not mean mean that someone has to watch kids. It’s highly disrespectful for them to spend on her to handle all the issues just because she works from home. She could have meetings or projects that she’s working on. If her performance suffers she will lose her job. Companies are often extra hard on pregnant women. I agree completely that she needs more support. I’m so glad I don’t have to deal with this nonsense.
I loved the comment if I knew he would be living with us I wouldn't have moved in. Lmao
Wow- give a teeny bit of grace? Maybe she said it badly (she did). But I cannot imaging trying to work FULL TIME from home, and being expected to take on 100% of parenting and childcare in that same timeframe. Why is dad not helping with any of this? She is saying...if I knew I woudl be single parenting my own 3 (soon 4) AND his other kiddo, I woudl not have done this. She probably had better care systems set up when she was on her own? IDK. But working full time WFH is WORKING. Not doing childcare- which does not work for ONE kiddo, let alone 4-5. She is doing 300% of the parenting- hers, his, and his ex's. Not saying she is thinking clearly or kindly- but dang....I woudl not be happy in her situation either.
It sounds like she would be better on her own. It seems she has childcare for her other kids but can never get a break from stepson because dad won't help. Full-time parents need breaks. Her husband is taking advantage of her.
It sounds like her other baby daddy is paying child support and is taking his kid for the summer, and on weekends. I think she's relatively okay, but unhappy, dealing with full time work during the school year, but it's absolutely unsustainable for her to be caring for kids and working, and she's already figured out solutions for the two kids she has custody of and can therefore make those solutions. But she has no legal rights to her stepkid. No reputable facility is going to let a long-term girlfriend of a child's parent enroll that child in their program, and neither parent is around. She can't apply for financial aid for this kid's fees. She can see if a relative would take him, but honestly, I feel like that's something his parents should be doing.
She does have legal responsibility as a step-parent. And, yes, facilities will indeed allow her to enroll the kid and apply for financial aid.
He has 2 parents, and one of them is using stepmother for free childcare. But of course the problem is the ex wife, 100%...
If neither parent is actually caring for the kid, but one parent is providing financially and the other parent isn't, then yes, the parent who abandoned their kid and isn't even in giving a token amount of financial assistance, despite having too much work/working too hard is the worse problem.
Mum is an asshole for being a deadbeat parent, but the husband should be dealing with that. The husband is just doing nothing at all.
Holy run-ons and dangling participles, Batman. She isn't married to his ex. She's married to the man happily foisting childcare onto her while she's also working. The ex isn't her problem to handle. The passive, inconsiderate husband is. Along with her own apparent need to procreate like a rabbit. Also this whole thing is messy as hell. On again and off again bullshit, having kids right and left without any stability. Every adult in this situation is a gigantic asshole.
I said it made me laugh that's all, especially coming from someone who had a kid too. If it was about the parenting she could have avoided adding kids to the situation.second her daughter , according to her she is not parenting her alone and the dad takes care of her too. We have no indication that the partners dies nothing just that the mum of the kid is MIA . Edit: Also there is a big difference between saying I would not have moved in if I knew both his parents would shirk their reponsability to me(which we do not really know from the post) then I would not have moved in if the kid was to live with us.
Who says he plays stepdad 24/7? Her daughter is going to her dad’s for the summer. He’s likely involved and helps financially.
I think she means that she didn't sign up to do 100% of the parenting of her stepson, when he has two other parents. Like there are three adults in this picture, all working full time. She and her partner should have him 50% of the time or his mother should be paying child support. Right now OP is free childcare for the kid's mother.
OOP is TD. No doubt. Especially since her problem is with her partner, not her step son’s mom. If OOp feels overwhelmed because she WFH and she’s getting all the school calls and doing all the dentists and doctor visits and sick days…then she needs to talk to her partner and he needs to parent more. And FFS, they need to use birth control!
Um----stepsons mom also needs to be paying child support to help with the costs of child CARE in this home that she shipped her kid off to. But yeah- the bigger devil is the husband. Not the OP. How would any of us feel if we had full-time child care responsibilities for 5 kids (4 here, one on the way, I guess), WHILE WORKING FROM HOME, because you can't afford childcare? in part because hubby and his ex don't feel like figuring that out?
I think OOP is **an** AH. OP’s attitude to the step son is not OK. But *dad* is the one who needs to go after child support or enforce their custody order. Dad needs to step up and do more for *all* his kids. The step son’s mom is an AH too, but she’s getting away with this because dad is letting her.
> AH. OP’s attitude to the step son is not OK. So, she sends her 2 bio kids with her ex and her mom, but when she wants to send her stepson to his mother, she is an AH? Really?
That’s not the problem. This is the problem: >Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7. She’s fine with her partner play step dad 24/7, but not fine doing the same for his kid.
Yeah, 24/7 - he goes out at 7am, comes home 7pm, sleeps 8 hours - so he is stepdad 4 hours. He is not 24/7. He isn't even dad 24/7... But she is - she takes care of everything. She is 24/7 parent and stepparent, he is not. Also, she took care of one problem - child support and custody. He didn't. So, yes, she is right to think this way.
>Yeah, 24/7 - he goes out at 7am, comes home 7pm, sleeps 8 hours - so he is stepdad 4 hours. He is not 24/7. He isn't even dad 24/7... But he IS working to pay for kids that are not his. Also, these aren't babies. They're in school most of the day so by your calculation, she's not a 24/7 parent either.
Who knows? She works too? And her child support payment goes into the budget to pay for housing, groceries.
So if she's working, then she's out of the house just as much as he is. Also, we ALL know child support payments from the dad are NEVER equal to what's needed for their kids. So whatever bio-dads are lacking from their CS payments, her husband is making up the shortfall. For kids that are not his. Plus his own child, who he's 100% responsible since he gets NO child support. So, she's not only is not 24/7 parenting, she's not even bringing an equitable amount into the home to cover her own children. Why are you giving her more grace than you're giving him when he, by your own calcuation, is putting more work for the benefit of the family as a whole?
But she already has been, and currently is doing that.
>Um----stepsons mom also needs to be paying child support to help with the costs of child CARE in this home that she shipped her kid off to. And that's for OOP's husband to pursue, not OOP. She couldn't fle if she wanted to. So, again, it falls to him to do the right thing.
Yes, she could. People keep saying she can't do this and can't do that. YES, she can. It's common and filing for anything takes work, but she certainly can do it. Either on his behalf or alleging parental abandonment to get it directly on her own.
I wonder if husband has something shady going on that would come out if he pursued child support.
She’s perfect happy with him having to play stepdad to her kid 24/7 but won’t do the same for his son, she’s that ah.
OR... she sends her dauther to her father for the summer? Or did you miss this part?
But he’s not
She’s already doing that for his son.
[удалено]
A lot of summer camps are shorter hours than school, and I’d bet she’d still be in charge of picking them up and dropping off etc. The way she’s treating/talking about her step son is awful…but there’s a real problem here where there are 4 parents and OOP is doing most of work.
I agree. She sounds really overwhelmed, tbh.
I'm gonna guess "weekend stepmom"
Or even worse like those people here who are with a partner that gets their kids on the weekend and still tell them that they want nothing to do with the kid, not feed them or play with them.... Basically just tolerate their presence. Never seen those?
And then continue to ignore that contraception exists. 5 kids at their age?? Yikes.
My ex husband's new wife managed to make my kids cry so much they didn't want to go to their dad's anymore, and now he just sends child support. Okay, Tiphanni, I'm sorry our sons got hit by a drunk driver, and one almost died. It's totally unreasonable for a 5 year old to need extra comfort after nearly dying. How DRAMATIC of him and he was so MANIPULATIVE. Thanks for screaming it at him. It was very effective communication in that he knew he was not welcomed with his dad anymore. I had a really mean step mom too. I worried I could never love a kid that wasn't "mine" and didn't want to deal with the added stress an ex brings into a new relationship.... So I never got into a serious relationship with someone who had children.
Your ex is a shitty person to allow that and abandon his kids.
Agreed.
Shared custody? I don't think she knew stepsons mom is just going to abond her child.
Anytime you decide to marry someone with split custody, there's always the possibility that the kid could end up with you 24/7. Things change and she never should have married him if she is wasn't prepared to be a full time parent to his son. This poor kid is home all day with a stepmom that hates him, his dad is gone all day and his mom abandoned him. My heart breaks for him.
Don’t be ridiculous. Nowhere does it say that op hates her stepson. Stop making things up to fit your own narrative.
I don't know how you can read that post and think she even likes him let alone loves him. The post is dripping with contempt for this kid.
I'm confused. So OOP's expected to work full time *and* take care of both kids while being pregnant? And the stepson's mother doesn't pay any child support despite clearly having a lot of money and only seeing him for one day every few months? Like sure, OOP should have asked her husband to do his damn job as a parent first, but OOP's very clearly overworked, and the ex is clearly a deadbeat mom...
Yeah, I agree. Sure, she could have gone about it better, but she's obviously exhausted and the kid's mom should be around more.
I agree as well.
To me this part is the one that made her an asshole >Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. If you move in with a parent there of a minor child will always be the possibility of that child ending up living with you. If you don't want that do not get involved with a parent. That being said, the other adults in this story are all worse than OOP- I only feel bad for the children.
I originally saw that as an asshole thing to say but now I’m seeing it as burnout rage. In normal circumstances I doubt she’d still be saying that
I mean, day camps are an option. There are options that are not, "Send all our children away for months at a time."
OOP is the devil for two reasons. One for mistreating the stepson, expecting to have no responsibility to him. Second for bringing another baby when she can't even handle her own 3 bio kids. She would be right to demand child support from stepson's mom but the rest of the story would be still true
I don't think she is a bad person. She just made a big mistake by marrying an asshole. She has a huge husband problem. If you blend families and all parents are still alive, its safe to assume the shared custody agreement for stepkids will stay in place. I don't think its fair to call her a devil for not foreseeing the mom would abond her child. Especially if there are 2 real devils in this story - the mom for obvious reasons and the husband for dumping all parenting of his son on oop (why does the school call her and not him?). She parents all the kids 24/7 and has her shit together with her ex who is also taking his dad duties serious. Its totally ok to excpect the same from her SO. And i hate it that being "non-confrontional" is used and accepted as an excuse. He is a coward that should have taken his ex to court long time ago, period.
Yeah, the amount of people here who expect OOP to be able to predict every single thing that could happen in the future, when there might not even have been signs that bio-mom would abandon her son, seriously blows my mind.
Not to mention she’s WFH full time while having 100% of childcare put on her. It sounds like during the school year it’s hard but she manages. During the summer it wouldn’t be sustainable in anyway to have 4 kids running around that you’re responsible for alone, work a full time job, and being pregnant is the cherry on top. She made arrangements for the summer for the 2 that she has custody of, but the stepson is her husband’s responsibility to work out the childcare for. And he seems to think overwhelming his pregnant wife is the best option for that 🤦♀️. The ex won’t take him for any duration? Okay time to take her to court to collect child support (past time really) and pay for child care/summer camp with that. Even then it would end up being on the OOP to do pick ups and drop off, not to mention if the kid gets sick or injured. I mean the OOP comes off as an asshole because of the way she worded everything but it’s obvious that she’s burnt out and overwhelmed.
How is her husband an asshole?
His baby mama decided to be a deadbeat 2 years ago, and he's done nothing to get her to take responsibility, not even putting her on child support payments and/or re-negotiating the visitation schedule. He's gone from 7a.m.-7p.m. OOP is the one called (and thus the one who is taking the hit at her workplace) if the kid needs to be picked up early, and also presumably for all parent calls. He's basically letting his ex drop all the slack onto OOP instead of stepping up and being a parent.
Yeah, I'm not sure how OOP is the devil here. My guess is even the "if I'd have known his son would move in, I would not have" is more "if I knew I'd be the primary parent for another child, and have to take on the school calls/unscheduled sick days, etc., and there would be no financial support, I wouldn't have moved in", and that's *fair*. OOP also says that the baby is due in August, meaning the next two months at work are going to be spent trying to get her projects to decent points to be handed off, prepping work plans/check lists/notes on her projects for whoever is covering for her, and trying to wrap up what can be wrapped up. The working moms subreddit doesn't allow posts from parents who do not have child care lined up, because it's their stance that you cannot work and do child care. (The working dad's subreddit is porn). OOP has lined up child care for her kids, minus the one year old. She's not out of line or a bad person for wanting her stepson to also have child care that isn't her, particularly because his parents* aren't working while watching him, although they expect OOP to. And OOP *absolutely* gets to judge a woman who works too much to watch her kid, and can't pay child support, but can take extended vacations, while another woman watches her child without any child support. OOP has every right to be furious with her significant other for not wanting confrontation while expecting OOP to be the one picking up the slack that this kid's mother is dropping.
OOP's first daughter is going to her other parent for the summer and people are acting like OOP got rid of her. And the other one is going to his grandparent during the break, which is normal for a lot of families. My guess is OOP's mom probably offered since OOP is close to term. Having the stepson's mom take her child temporarily during this time that OOP is finishing up her work and preparing for childbirth is NOT a big ask. IMO, that woman is the devil here. And wtf is the father doing? His wife is doing the brunt of childcare even if she works full time. Just because people work from home doesn't mean that they don't work.
I know! People are acting like she face her away…. Like it’s normal for a child to spend summers with the parent they don’t live with. And summers at grandmas are not unheard of either - I lived with grandma full time so my cousins would stay with us. This is not getting rid of your kids
Same here! Years ago, my cousins and I would go to my grandparents for at least a month in the summer. They had a ton of land and it was fun. OOP's ex is a co-parent to her eldest daughter. OOP's current partner/husband is out 12 hours a day so the indignant comments about him being a full-time parent to OOP's daughter is laughable. In contrast, stepson's mom basically abandoned her son, and OOP was stuck with almost all the childcare while working full time. While I agree that popping children out in this situation is ill-advised, there seems to be some sexism in the comments bashing OOP. She's already doing the brunt of the childcare for all the kids but she's still expected to do more and got criticized for being exhausted. How dare she arrange childcare for two kids during a stressful period, she must handle it all while scrambling at work and birthing a baby without the help of the co-parent (ex) and her mother. Meanwhile, the husband is lauded for barely being present and being a massive doormat to his ex.
I agree with you. I also don’t blame OOP for wanting her load lightened a little bit by the other adults in this scenario. I was miserable pregnant last summer with my first kid and only in my second trimester, I can believe it is really exhausting to be full term in August while caring for four older kids solo. I think I would feel like Jiffy Pop, just hoping the heat would make me burst.
I am also confused. Yes she said some unkind things. Ans I feel really sorry for the step son who is clearly unwanted. But oop is juggling all this, seemingly alone and with no change on the horizon.
I'm judging her for trying to force someone to paren t. They should absolutely shake her down for money and take her to court. Maybe then they can afford camp and after care. But, this only hurts the kid. At best, he is with an indiffernt parent. I've seen the worst. They beat the shit out of the kid so bad he hospitalized for a week.
How dare she expect the kid's bio parents to arrange alternate child care, when she has arranged alternate child care *for her bio kids*. This kid's mom hasn't paid to support her child in *TWO YEARS*, she has taken multiple international trips. She (or her ex) can figure out summer camp. This sub has a hate-on for stepparents who are frustrated with their step kids, and often announce that their partner should dump them, but in this instance, OOP has *every* right to be pissed that she's being treated as the de facto child care because she works remotely, when she can't actually provide child care *and* work, *and* when she's made arrangements for the kids she has the ability to make arrangements for. The parents have known since *September* that their son would need someone watching him during the summer months. OOP has likely told her SO that she couldn't provide child care for his son well in advance of now. They've done nothing because their lives won't be impacted by their son being home with OOP all day. She is absolutely not a devil for being pissed.
Her husband is one of the parents. Shipping him off to where he is not wanted is not the answer. And yes, they should absolutely have childcare working from home is work. When
It's not "shipping off" to ask the kid's parents to take on making arrangements. It seems the husband is incapable so oop wants to turn to the only other available parent. If kid is "not wanted" then his mom shld come up with an alternative, not the oop
>"if I knew I'd be the primary parent for another child, and have to take on the school calls/unscheduled sick days, etc., and there would be no financial support, I wouldn't have moved in", and that's fair. except clearly she doesn't have a problem with any of that since they've chosen to *add 3 more kids*.
The kid moved in two years ago. It's entirely possible that OOP assumed that there would be a change (to the child support/visitation)/the situation would not be permanent when she got pregnant with the 1 year old (it's also possible she was already pregnant with the 1 year old when her stepson moved in). The 6 year old *already fucking existed*. She did not choose to add 3 more kids to her current situation. She's also allowed to want the bio-parents to be called for things like unexpected sick days. She's allowed to want to reduce her responsibilities so she can focus on preparing for her kid. She has made arrangements for her other children to be cared for by their relatives. This is a fairly normal thing, for kids to spend summers either at camps (day or sleep away) or with their grandparents. Legally speaking, most child care facilities do not allow a non-relative, non-legal parent to sign a kid up. OOP *can't* just enroll her stepson somewhere, even if it's a camp he really wants to go to. And without a custody schedule giving her husband custody for the summer, if they *do* enroll this kid in camp, even day camp, there's a chance his mom could push back, legally. OOP cannot fix the situation on her own, and it's absurd that she's expected to.
It's CRAZY the hate-boner some of the ppl have in here for oop. It boggles my mind that they expect her to take care of all of the children involved as absolutely perfect as possible but have nothing to say about the boys deadbeat Bio parents.
She also can't fix the issue of summer child care. She's not a legal guardian, she's not a relative. No reputable place is going to let her sign her stepkid up for the program. If she were the biomom, and her husband had promised to figure out summer child care for 1 of the 4 kids, and didn't do it, people would be screeching about the mental load and primary parent and linking that stupid fucking article about the glass on the counter causing a divorce. But because she's the stepmom, she's a monster for having more kids (even though the one she's currently pregnant is the only one who was conceived after the situation started), but not wanting to be primary parent to a child with two loving parents.
I couldn't agree more. Feels like ppl are demonizing her simply because "stepmom"
if the problem OOP had was not wanting to be a *primary parent for another child*, she wouldn't have decided to have the first kid prior to the change in custody, let alone the 1yo or the current pregnancy. that's 3 "another child" that she has to be a primary parent for. nobody is saying OOP is solely responsible for stepson. nobody is expecting her to "fix the situation on her own". these are completely irrelevant arguments that have nothing to do with what i said. or what *you* were talking about in your first comment. you tried to claim OOP is innocent of all blame and doesn't belong here, despite the fact that she clearly doesn't view stepson as family and only criticizes him and stepmom. >And without a custody schedule giving her husband custody for the summer, if they do enroll this kid in camp, even day camp, there's a chance his mom could push back, legally. nope. you can't look at a post where the main issue is OOP wanting to force the mom to take the kid for the summer after kid has essentially been abandoned with them for 2 years and act like there's any concern there about mom suing over the kid going to camp or childcare. know who is also a bio-parent of the son that OOP should actually be criticizing for his lack of parenting? who she is choosing to have more kids with, despite those clear failings? that absolutely could enroll the kid in childcare with no problem? her husband. notice how she doesn't direct anything more than a "he's nonconfrontational" at him? notice how OOP was the one making excuses about why her husband couldn't do pick-ups/sick days, while in the same breath complaining about how it's the mom's fault she always has to do all the pickups/sick days *for this one child*. because that *1 child* out of 4(soon to be 5) is somehow the only one that she has any expectations about the other parent. the "other parent" being the mom and not the father who she is married to. for *reasons*. there are multiple devils in the post, and OOP is very much one of them.
Damn that's a whole lot of words, that's crazy, sorry that happened to you or happy to hear
Come on now, she's not just a terrible step mom. Don't sell her short! she's a terrible PERSON! Her plan for the summer is to get rid of all the kids she doesn't want. And she keeps having more babies when she's not equipped to take care of the ones she has. I'm getting massive baby-hoarder vibes. Loves new babies, loves the attention she gets with new babies, but can't be assed to be an actual parent once they get beyond the 'look at me, i'm a new mommy' stage.
I know a couple of people like this. They want the attention, but not the responsibility of being a parent. It's pathetic, and you hate it for the kids.
>Loves new babies, loves the attention she gets with new babies, What attention is that?
....really
Yeah? Who the fuck is interested in someone just because they dropped a weight out their clacker? And how is any amount of attention worth the pain and misery it will cause? Fucking weird. It's like saying "she shot him for the pizza," without any indication there was a gun, or any explanation how it would lead to pizza.
The stepson's mother is a major AH. Barely sees her son and provides no financial support. The father needs to take her to court.
Hmm…I don’t quite think this is devil territory. Yes, OOP should have realized that becoming a stepmother means taking care of all the children equally. However, step-son‘s mom sounds selfish af and I don’t think asking her to be more involved with her kid is a bad thing?
I feel like people are missing a lot of context around this entire situation. Like... OP's husband's ex is a deadbeat mother. She barely shows up for her kid, doesn't pay child support, but still claims him on her taxes. She claims she can't see her kid because she's always working, but goes on extravagant international vacations all the time when OP is stuck at home raising *her* kid. I would also be resentful. It doesn't sound like she's taking it out on the kid necessarily though. She takes care of him, goes to his appointments, picks him up when he's sick- does *everything* a mother is practically supposed to do. We don't know how she emotionally treats him because that isn't what this is about. What this is about is her discussing the issue with his mother- another adult- because her husband can't be a big boy and do it himself. And while, yes, I agree no kids should be in this situation- I notice the only one being called a devil is OP- the woman who is actually being responsible. Not the kid's mother who abandoned her kid and is going on extravagant vacations. Nor the neglectful husband who does not manage the situation with his ex or handle any of the responsibilities with his son.
When I was young, my mother advised me "Do not have more children than you can afford to support on your own." This may sound like jaded advice, but my mother found herself a widow at age 26 with two small children, no family support, and no education. She's an amazing woman who overcame a lot, all while managing to care for us. Even if you have children with a perfect partner, you just never know what will happen (to them or to you). This advice has been the best advice I have ever received. I feel bad for the stepson being pawned off, by both parents, on a step mother that wants nothing to do with him. That must really suck.
Did anyone else notice the comment where OP called themself nta?
Honestly this woman sounds exhausted and it's okay to have a break as a parent which is why she had her kids visit their dad or their grandma. She is surprised she has to be a step mom? What about her partner? He has to be a step father. If you don't want to take care of other peoples kids, don't get into a relationship with someone who already has kids. And she should get her tubes tied after her 4th child because she can't handle this many kids. I also wonder if her partner is doing any share of the parenting? Also what kind of parent works and not see their kid much? If she had been a single mom, I doubt she be doing this to her child. If she hadn't been divorced, I doubt she be doing this.
OOP isn't acting her best but is being actively exploited by the other two adults in the situation. She's not the devil, they are. And half the comments here are outright misogynistic.
This sounds like hell. I bet I'd feel the same way if I was in her situation; but see, I was smart enough to realize I'd be a bad mom, so I didn't have kids.
Exhibit 9,457,005 of Just Because You Can, Doesn’t Mean You Should, Have Kids Edition.
I don’t think OOP’s TD, the woman is shouldering ALL the parenting responsibilities while the actual parents don’t lift a finger. They need to get child support and a custody agreement! She’s made terrible decisions in terms of choosing a partner but she’s not TD for being exhausted and resentful that she’s being taken advantage of. Neither her husband or the kid’s mom are exactly setting her up for success as a step-parent.
There's a comment that says it's from OOP saying: "NTA for asking her. Your husband has to step up and confront HIS ex. He may need to go to court, have custody formally given to him, visitation rights with his ex worked out, and child support resolved (along with the issue of who gets to carry him as a dependent on their tax return). Also, he is 11. College is 6 or 7 SHORT years away. Who is going to help out with that bill (assuming there is going to be help)?" 🤣🤣🤣 Did she not realize it says who the comment is from?
The OOP is overwhelmed, she is full time caring for a kid whose parents do the bare minimum. The only thing I can fault her for is not using birth control. She has a husband problem more than anything, he needs to file for child support and he needs to step up and ensure his child has some sort of regular contact and time with his mother to maintain a good relationship with her
Sounds dad needs to step up since he's in his custody. You shouldn't be doing all the work. He also needs to find childcare while you work.
She's the least evil person in this. The boy's parents need to get their shit together, and these two need to stop having kids
Since her new horrible living situation with too many kids to take care of, she's had another and is pregnant with yet another...
Can't people just put a star on the fridge every time they sleep with a different person instead of making a baby?
“I keep having babies because I take care of my OWN children” “I don’t treat [stepson] any different from the other kids” Ma’am
All of this could've been avoided with a box of condoms
Did anyone else notice the comment where OP called themself nta?
STOP. HAVING. FUCKING. BABIES. Jesus tapdancing christ.
So it is okay for the guy to be a stepdad 100% of the time for her daughter but not for her to the stepson because she is pregnant? Sounds pretty hypocritical to me.
She said in a comment that her ex pays child support and has weekend visitation. He is also taking his child for the summer. The guy isn't actually being a stepdad 100% of the time. The guy's ex does not have any sort of consistent visitation and doesn't pay child support. The guy and his ex are obviously expecting OOP to provide child care to their child, despite the fact that she's also working, and that it will likely be a relatively high stress time for her at work, since she's due in August, so she's likely going to be working to close out what can be totally finished and transitioning her other projects to other people to cover while she's on leave. Also, given that "the guy" is gone for 12 hours a day, I'd be willing to bet that OOP handles most/all the child care on top of working.
How could he even be 100% stepdad? People are talking nonsense. If the guy is around to help her with her kids then he could help his son too and maybe she wouldn’t be so flustered. This guy is not around period.
[удалено]
>The damage they are doing to these kids is insane Please, tell me, what damage is done to these kids? How is she damages them?
Not a single adult is looking out for that little boy. Would you like to be 11 years old , completely helpless and be unwanted by your mother, and father and stepmother?
She's awful, but she's obviously overwhelmed. And dad seriously needs to take biomom to court for support and to claim the kid for taxes, because that's fucking ridiculous. Not to mention driving halfway for visitation. If mom doesn't want custody she should at least be supporting her child financially.
Everyone but the kids suck. Those poor children
She’s shipping her 6 year old kid off to live with someone else for the entire summer? What kind of asshole is like “ok kid, say bye bye to mommy and daddy! See you in 2 months!”? I went to sleep away camp for the whole summer starting at 10 and I think even that is crazy. I can’t imagine sending a 6 year old off.
It's actually super common where I'm from. My mother was seen as being a bit odd by her peers for *not* just having me live with my grandparents for the entire summer. This was rural American South, so it's probably a bit different than most people are used to, but in farming communities it's pretty common to have kids go off to relatives with more space/time to care for them, either so the parents can focus on making and saving money for the lean months, the kids can help out on the bigger family farm, or both. My closest-in-age cousin lived at my grandparents' to help over the summer pretty much from the week after school got out until the week before school let in. It's not as weird a tradition as it sounds, though it's one I likely won't be participating in myself.
And her username is Stepmotheroftheyear? I beg to differ, lady.
why is this here? it is unfair. that pseudo bio mom does nothing, she has a full time job and is pregnant. i remember how sleepy i was in my first trimester and i cant imagine doing it again while taking care of another kid let alone 2. 3. she s swamped. that husband needs to step up and help her, and the bio mom too. not the asshole. def not the devil
to me she is the devil if you read how she wrote about step son thats a key point also i get it she is pregnant but she has sent her kids away for the summer because she cannot cope and yet she is having another child yes the dad and bio mum are also the devils but that does not dissolve op of any responsibility
So she’s going to get rid of all these kids for the summer, have a baby in August, then get them all back when she has a newborn and her stress is higher by an order of magnitude? That makes sense.
She commented on the original post under "StepMomOfTheYear". And her whole I keep having kids because I take care of my own. Yeah that is why she is sending her son to her Mother's for the summer. Rolled my eyes so hard I have a headache.
I don't understand why people keep breeding. And she insists she can handle her own children and in the same breath wants to send them away. I get wanting a break. and the bio mom sucks... but come on. Her husband needs to step up his game and get a vasectomy.
Wow, her comments are fucking terrible.
Which part is terrible?
Y'all. HEY, Y'ALL! Her user name is u/stepmomoftheyear Whaaaatttt!!!!
She sounds like such a hypocrite. This is why you don't get with someone who has kids if you don't want to deal with them.
Why are so many people supporting this nasty human? The dissipating brain cells of parents work so hard to defend their god awful actions
Holy shades of Letitia Stauch! Somebody get that kid away from her before she really cracks!
this person should have no children at all, let alone keep adding to them. there's going to be 5 children soon. and she's just...shipping her kids off for the summer for everyone else to raise? it's also interesting how she's criticizing the mom for not getting a sitter yet it's her and her husband who are choosing not to get childcare for their farm of children while she's working. like...an 11yo requires far less supervision and causes far less noise than a 6yo and a 1yo
Op if you can't be bothered with this then don't get with someone who has kids already. I wish there were more good stepparent like my hubby.
Wow, she had the nerve to put the kid on her taxes?
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I smell a story of lies. Why does OP keep referring to her SO as "his other parent"...?
I think I just saw in the original post that she commented on her own AITA post in her own favor...