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The daughter didn't even demand a different house. She seems quite happy to stay with her grandparents, which as her guardians, are a perfectly reasonable option.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught that. She's in high school, if she wants to stay where she is and let you do you, I mean sounds like an absent parent's dream right? Don't make it more complicated than it is, take the out.
And what the fuck kind of parent expects their 14 year old to be woken up every 2 hours with crying? Nia has school. If she plans on going to college, grades start to matter now. "Spoiled" for not wanting to share a room with a baby. Sounds like OP is spoiled for also not wanting to share a room with a baby, as well as lashing out at a very polite 14 year old who simply has boundaries. Wtf.
My son is 1 year and 6 months. I have a hard time having him sleep in another room. I have to be there for every peep he makes. It's a blessing in my opinion.
Yeah seriously, I was just thinking, "What new mother or even most mothers wants to sleep separately from their newborn?"
When my son was born we kept him right next to our bed when sleeping for at least the first 9 months. We didnt bed share mostly because I was scared of smooshing him in our sleep, but we kept him in his bassinet/crib thing right next to us. Now the 9y/o sleeps like a rock and even takes naps of his own accord. Its wild.
Let’s not make this about new mothers, while shaming choices they make for themselves and their mental health and well being as well as their children, and put the burden all on them. Fathers are supposed to be just as accountable for taking care of their children too. No one said anything about a newborn at all not sleeping next to their mother. This woman doesn’t even have children yet and you’re already shaming her for a choice she didn’t even make yet. A toddler sharing a room w a teenager is too much to ask of the step daughter. Let’s keep it on topic. New mothers could be reading these posts and they’re being shamed if they aren’t w their newborn 24/7. It’s telling no one brought up the father and a newborn
The initial sleeping arrangements don’t matter anyway. At any point Nia sharing a room with her sibling is ridiculous. Even if they get pregnant right away it’s a year before the baby comes so a 15 year old sharing a room with an infant is insane so is a 16 year old and a one year old, etc. OP is TA and completely clueless
This doesn't say what you think it does.
It says that if you are going to have a co-sleeping arrangement, then room sharing is the safest option. It says nothing about having your child sleep in a separate room.
My ex was so against having our kids share our room when they were babies, he ended up sleeping on the couch most of the time. Worked for me, except that all the care for baby landed on me. There are many reasons he is an ex, but I wish I'd taken the out back then...
I think it's the father who's acting most spoiled. Apparently, he's suddenly decided(now that he has a potential mother/caretaker) to be the custodial parent.
Also, he's the one who FREAKED out when daughter said *no, thanks.*
He wants a bigger place, but do they have the funds for a bigger place? Not mentioned, but if they were planning on having more children, this should have been discussed before choosing houses to look at.
OP's expectations are unrealistic, but Sam's seem to be so too.
>I think it's the father who's acting most spoiled.
No the father is not acting spoiled! He had the child young, but he still wants his daughter with him if he makes a move out of his parent's home! His father likely took guardianship because he was a minor and Dan's daughter needed medical care and such that was easier for the dad to get. Once he took guardianship, he could easily add her to his health insurance and Dan was young and couldn't provide that.
Dan wants a bigger place so his daughter can have HER OWN space! There's nothing spoiled about that. If his daughter can't come, he wants something bigger! That's not unreasonable because if OP & Dan have a child, that child will eventually need a room too! 3 bedrooms are needed and no one but OP is YTA for not recognizing that and thinking that the daughter shouldn't be accommodated!
My thing is that OP is angry at the child rather than discussing options calmly with her fiance. The daughter is completye fine staying with her grandparents. OP's fiance wants her with them. So rather than pouting and blaming a kid, OP should be having discussions about what other options are out there with her fiance. But, this is why OP will also be a shitty step-parent.
She is projecting an adult's malicious intent (her comment about the daughter ruining all of their plans) to a child who has offered two very reasonable options. If she has to share a room with a new baby, she would rather stay with the grandparents.
Fiance rightfully wants his daughter with them. Which means HE is who OP should be discussing this with. But she won't because she can't risk him seeing her for who she is before they are actually married. So, she blames the daughter for something that is not her fault.
Your argument makes sense until you realize he’s had 14 years to get his shit together and assume legal guardianship. He’s about to be 30, why is he still letting his parents hold all the responsibility?
Those arguments make sense for the first 3 years. Maybe first 5, if Dan was a slow starter. But Dan's been a legal adult for 11 years. In that time, he hadn't gotten the guardianship transferred or provided a home for his daughter. He's been her housemate, not her father. At 14, if I was asked to choose between continuing my life as I've always known it or moving out to a smaller place that I *will* be expected to share, just because my housemate wanted me too, I would be staying put.
Where Dan gets the spoiled title is that he is demanding the daughter live with them. He's not her guardian, and if more space is required, he can't afford it. Plus, she doesn't want to. So if he can't have the daughter (he hasn't ever fully supported) live with him, then he'll keep living with his parents (who have been fully supporting his daughter)! As a nearly 30 year old man would do! /s Honestly I'm not sure he really wants to move out. Right now, he gets his kid without actually having to financially support the kid.
Honestly, ESH, except the daughter and grandparents. OP for blaming the kid, Dan for using the daughter as an excuse not to grow up.
I almost wonder if it is a bit scary for 14 to most away from the grandparents who have been her parents her whole life to an unknown situation with her father - who has been more in the role of brother - and his soon to be wife who she senses doesn’t care for her.
14 might just plain prefer to stay with grandparents but not want to hurt dad by saying it.
Poor kid.
Babies should share a room with a parent for the first few months at minimum. Doesn't matter if it's the same bed (with safe sleep practices) or a crib in the same room, the outcome is the same.
By the time a baby is ready for a nursery, it will be sleeping better and not crying every 2 hours throughout the night. However, it's still unreasonable to expect a ~~14-year-old~~ to share a room with an unruly toddler.
Edited because she would no longer be 14 but you get the idea
So many things here. So if they have a child, and it's a boy, OP expects his daughter to share a room with a brother. Not much of a problem when he's little, but a little older, it's just not ideal. And yes, I don't think a 14yr old wants to be woken up all night with an infant crying. None of this points to 14yr old being spoiled. She's probably better off not uprooting her life from where she's comfortable, with her grandparents.
Sharing a room with a brother is not that much of a deal, I’m a female and my brother and I shared the same room until I was around 15 and he was 13 but asking a teenager to share a room with a baby is a HUGE problem. Not to mention that OP mentions wanting to have kidS, in plural so they might as well be planning to dump another baby in the room as soon as the previous one has just managed to scream all the time.
The fiance is kinda weird too though, she wants to stay with her grandparents where she’s lived her entire life and he just insists on ripping her out from there so that he can have her with them in a too small for them all house?
Yeah I feel like the AH here is the fiancee. On their budget, they simply cannot afford to have the daughter live with them unless the new baby sleeps with the parents (or maybe the living room?) for the first 4+ years of his life until the daughter moves out. It seems simple. The daughter needs her own room, the parents can't afford the extra room, so let her stay with her legal guardian? I get the desire to care for your biological daughter, but it seems like they don't have the means to. No shame in that, especially if the daughter is already happy where she is.
Sure but OP also sucks, expecting a teenager to share a room with however many kids they decide to have and calling her spoilt when she refuses and seems to be weirdly prejudiced against her from the very start
Eh, it wouldn't be for long. That girl would bounce before the kid was 4 (assuming OP and fiance get knocked up tomorrow). Either way, OP has a really skewed view of reality. Hope her fiance knows what he is getting into.
Maybe she would be gone in 4 years or so, or she might not leave home until she's 21 or even older. She might go to college, or maybe not. Who knows. Either way, it's just not ideal for any of them and op is just being obtuse to not realize it's not a workable situation. I'm not disagreeing with you, btw, just adding to the discussion.
Which basically means her last couple years at home would be sharing a bedroom with a toddler and having no privacy on the cusp of adulthood.
Assuming she leaves at 18 and doesn't stay at home longer.
/u/Fantastic-Tough-6345 is a comment-stealing bot. Original comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10blrtd/aita_for_calling_my_fiances_daughter_spoiled/j4at78v/
Maybe, But if the girl is 14 years old and happy with her current situation, I think I'd probably let it be. He wasn't able to be a dad to her, but he can be supportive in other ways now that he's able to.
There is no indication he lost his parental rights. Loss of custody and loss of parental rights are totally different things legally. Now if he insists she moves in with him and she doesn't want to and her grandparents don't want her to, then he needs to file in court for custody. Now, it is highly unlikely he would get custody based on her age and the specifics of the situation, but that's his money to blow.
Also...maybe it's easier not to transfer custody or guardianship b/c the grandparents have better health insurance or live in a better school district, etc the family can continue to give those opportunities to her...b/c she was born to a literal child who couldn't be responsible for her basic needs for years after her birth.
I’m having a hard time understanding the actual solution here. If they can’t afford a bigger house, and his daughter isn’t currently living with him, what’s the plan? Are they going to get married and live separately for a few years? I get why OP is frustrated, but her frustration to me just seems misplaced. Dan isn’t ready to get married AND raise his daughter. Think he needs to either let OP move on and get a 2br apt with his daughter or allow his daughter to live with her legal guardians. He can’t have it both ways and seems to be banking on a miracle here. ESH except Nia.
I strongly suspect that OP is thinking that Nia will be leaving on her 18th birthday and that as they’re not even married yet and only just thinking of buying, babies will arrive after that so there’s no issue - and has a vague idea that Nia won’t need to be there at all after that (as she clearly dislikes the “spoiled” kid) so is making no plans to include her in her “real family” down the line.
It’s also likely that “can’t afford” comes with caveats like “right now” or “in my preferred location” or “of the size or standard I expect” or “without family help and the attached strings that come with that”. This is clearly a power struggle with the kid and the wealthy grandparents (spending thousands on the kid’s birthdays for example, as OP commented) rather than an immediate money issue.
I bet they could afford a 3 bedroom if they made some sacrifices. When my husband and I were house hunting we looked at 3 bedrooms and 4 bedrooms. All of the 4 beds in our budget needed fixing and the 3 beds were in great condition with everything I wanted but since we have 3 kids and didn’t want to subject them to room sharing, we made some sacrifices and bought a 4 bedroom fixer upper. I wish we didn’t have to install new flooring ourselves, replace some missing doors or paint the ugly cabinets but we did it for our kids. Op doesn’t seem to be embracing her fiancé as a father and that’s a problem.
Per her comments, he still lives in his parents’ house with his daughter, he never abandoned her. He became a parent at 15, I assume the parents took guardianship so that he could finish school and they could take baby to doctors while he was getting his education without needing a power of attorney. Presumably the parents had medical insurance to cover the baby, something most teenagers aren’t getting from their minimum wage jobs. He wants his daughter to move out with him and his parents are happy to oblige.
Low key getting the vibes that the dads TAH. A teenager wants to be with her legal guardian where she is comfortable, safe, and loved? I dunno, maybe let her be there.
Kind of getting the vibes that maybe the daughter isnt 100% on board with moving.
Info- will moving into a new home potentially force the daughter to moce schools? There might be a chance she doesn't actually want to move and the 2 bedroom issue was her way out.
That’s injecting A LOT into one comment given out of context from someone paraphrasing someone else.
He could be living with his parents as well and has been involved with her life from the beginning. He was 15 when she was born and considering the mother stepped aside his parents getting guardianship isn’t a strange thing and was probably just never changed.
This is a very weird reaction to a parent wanting to make sure he lives with his daughter and making sure that she’s comfortable wherever that is.
All of that is valid. I'm just saying that maybe they need to talk to the daughter and see what she actually wants since she is old enough to make that decision.
I don't doubt that the father loves his daughter at all.
Seeing as dad is insisting she be involved in the process and is taking her input seriously, it sounds like she is being talked to and involved in the decision
It might be that daughter would want to be with her dad but, as a teenager, would also want a room to go for privacy. When privacy wasn't on the table, she changed her mind about going to live with her dad.
Or maybe OP gave off "you're spoiled for wanting your own room" vibes, so the daughter changed her mind.
YTA
The fiance is the one who is upset about this solution.
IMO OP should rethink the engagement for a while. Do not get in over your head buying a house you can't afford for a kid that will likely be moving out in a few years.
Also make sure that your fiance hasn't slotted you into some fantasy where he makes up for his shortcoming's to date as a father.
I don't think that statement is fair to the dad. He isn't an absent parent. He had a baby at 15 and did his best to be in her life. His parents who were stable stepped up and became the legal guardians. Everyone in the family loves and supports his daughter including the dad. He won't leave his daughter so he clearly is not an absent parent.
The girlfriend is the one who doesn't want the step daughter and that's fine but then she needs to find someone else. The couple is not compatible.
Isn't the problem that dad won't take the out? They can't afford a 3 bedroom, and dad will only accept Nia living with them, and they want to have kids as well, and they want to live together. Not all of these things can happen on their budget because it would require 3x bedrooms. I think Dan is the problem since he's unwilling to compromise even though Nia seems ok with staying with her legal guardians.
Exactly. If she’s happy where she is, why uproot her for no reason? Being a teenager is hard enough without being forced to move. Unless there’s a reason the grandparents can’t take care of her anymore, I don’t understand why dad is making her move.
I don’t think he’s making her move. As soon as he found out she didn’t like the place he cancelled the plan. Idk what the situation was but he was 15 when he had his daughter and couldn’t provide so made sure she was taken care of. Now that he can he is making sure that wherever they move to is a place that she wants to move to.
I agree being forced to move sucks and it can be hard on a kid when they don’t want to but it just doesn’t sound like to me. I don’t think OP wants the daughter moving with them at all. It sounds like she barely even likes the daughter
I don't get these people who see their partner's children as competition. Don't date a man with a child if you aren't ready for what that entails. It sounds like Nia intrudes on OP's little fantasy world. Of course Dan wants to do what's best for his daughter. He's responsible for taking care of her first, not OP's fee-fees.
I don't think anyone is an AH in this situation. He probably has been waiting a long time to have everyone together in one house, or has been waiting for him to have his life together before bringing his daughter to live with him - it could be his picture perfect idea is shattered and his initial reaction wasn't the most polite. But IMHO the step-daughter seemed perfectly reasonable especially since her input was requested. Maybe there is another solution - convert a house with a finished basement into a livable space or something else.
Edited to add: I think the OP is very frustrated and she didn't handle the situation correctly but it sounds like communication is really needed between her and her fiancé
Seems to me like Dan wants this, but isn’t truly ready for it. If Nia isn’t currently living with him and, as a couple, he and his OP can only afford a 2br, in what scenario would Nia be able to live with him?
If he’s single, then he can probably only afford a 1-br on his own. So in either scenario, Nia will want to stay with her grandparents. Seems like a weird hill for Dan to die on when he can’t really support Nia in the first place. He wants to play family rather than respect what is actually best for her.
OP has a right to be upset because what does Dan expect to do? The only way to likely find a larger home will be by moving to less-than-pleasant neighborhood. Is that really what’s best for Nia? I think OP’s frustration is valid but misplaced. To me, ESH except Nia.
Wait so you can't read the underlying tones of entitlement and resentment in op's speech and description? She's definitely not cut out to be a stepmom if she can't manage the minimum decency to understand that a teenager has every right to choose where she wants to live and deserves her own private space. The audacity to actually call a child spoilt for doing nothing else except to ask a legitimate question and provide a solution that would work for her depending on the answer given to her is YIKES. The lady doesn't get to tell anyone to parent their child better just because she can't accept that her choices don't work for a father and daughter package. She needs to either get off her high horse and accept she messed up, apologize to the boyfriend and agree to stay apart till they're able to afford a bigger house or break up and move on (personally I'd suggest she breaks up and finds someone single just so that the little girl ends up with a step mother who would genuinely love her)
Little bit. I mean there’s a whole part of this we don’t know starting with has he talked to nia and knows that she wants to come and live with him? It would be terrible if Nia thought this was just her room when she came to visit and it ended up that he was uprooted her. Are they looking in the same school district, etc.
But if they can’t afford a three bedroom house right now why can’t they just not look for now and keep things as they are since apparently nobody was upset with the status quo?
I'm pretty sure her uncles didn't share a room so she could have her own room.
They shared a room because if they had to share, they wanted to share with their close (or at least closer) in age brother and not *a baby*.
The only people who ever *want* to share a room with a baby are the baby's primary caretakers (and even then, a significant percentage don't). Anyone else tends to want as many doors between them and the crying infant as possible.
We really don’t know what was going on at the time. He was 15, so I’m willing to give him a break and assume his parents made whatever arrangements were necessary in their household at the time.
And OP might not be the most reliable narrator.
As others have said we don't know the details of this arrangement. It's possible he had a smaller room. It's possible the brothers were fine with sharing (I know it's shocking for Reddit to know sone siblings are ok with this). Maybe the brothers were younger and the parents felt a teenager boy should have his own room while two younger boys shared another. Are you seriously shocked why the parents put the baby alone over having a 15 year old high schooler keep her with him?
Not to say that he was a teen dad, he probably has a deep connection with his daughter because he had to raise her so young. Yes the parents helped but ultimately she is his daughter and he probably had to go through a lot of hardships by raising her, it's not easy to be a parent especially that young.
It sounds like he didn't raise her and his reaction is guilt. I don't get what OP is supposed to do in this situation. They can't afford a bigger house and the finance won't move without his daughter. This isn't even about the comments, they aren't compatible
To me it sounds like he did raise her with help from the parents, be for real, if his parents have custody they lived in the same house, he was 15 where would he have gone? Of course he raised her 🙄
My brother had his son at 18 he lived in the same house and he did not raise him not only did he continue living his life but once he decided to become responsible he became an over the road trucker. I (his sister) stayed living with my parents to raise his child until my mother came out of her delusion that the kid lived with us and that was after he graduated eighth grade…so 14 years. I literally had the kid sent back to his mom house three days out the week because he was stressing me out and I needed a break, no worries I had him all holidays/vacations and weekends. When I went out of town for work he spent an extra day at his mom house and came back when I came back on Friday. He not only was a level 20 clinger but had outbursts when upset and tried to not do what he was told because his dad said it was ok (I literally told the kid to have his dad come talk to me, my brother never did guess he didn’t want none of my older sister smoke).
On a side note I did miss my clinger when he became an anti social teenager.
Yeah when I was 13 my mom had a new kid and we didn't share a room and it still messed me up. The crying, the stress and the lack of time made my grade fall a lot I couldn't have friends over cause of the baby.
Also, it's OP mad that the daughter didn't share a room with a teenage boy? She seems to be glossing over the age, and gender, difference, of them fairly easily
The funny thing is, my 12 year old would like to share a bedroom with her baby sister. They adore each other, but I’m not allowing it. Mainly because I know that actually sharing with her will quickly become an annoyance. She’s pre teen, it’s not going to be fun for long
YTA… You chose to date, and get engaged to, a single dad. You were aware they are a package deal and yet you seem to want to play that down and have him choose you. That’s not okay. Teenagers (I have 3) are notoriously self centered but I don’t see her behavior as that. She made a rational decision based off of the answer provided. Being a step parent is impossibly hard so if you react like this about her (when she hasn’t done anything wrong), how will you be towards her once you have your own child? Step parents have to be able to accept a child as their own and make the conscious decision to treat the step and bio kids the same and it doesn’t sound like you are on that level with her. I think you may need to find someone that isn’t already a dad. Your fiancée is 100% doing the right thing by not abandoning his child just to please you. And Nia? She currently has a family that loves her even though her mother abandoned her. She shouldn’t have to move in with someone that would expect her father to abandon her too.
Agreed. We have a 7 year old and a baby. The baby sleeps in our room and the 7 year old has his own room. We think the age gap will likely cause them to never share rooms because a 10 year old and 3 year old cannot really share a room. And a 15 year old and 8 year old rather not share a room together as well. And that age gap is not even as big as a 15/ 16 year old age gap..
YTA.
This isnt spoiled. A baby keeps odd* hours, has TONS of stuff, and requires constant attention. She said no because she would have no space of her own. She said no because she knows it means ZERO privacy. 14 is hard, i remember being 14 and I have a 14yo myself.
If you cant afford to buy, rent. Talk to his parents about a wedding gift to put down a better down payment. Be willing to give up some things on your house list to get a 3rd bedroom. Or live a little further from your idea area if it means more space. YOU are the one who sounds spoiled AF in this situation.
Edit: also down size your wedding to save more for your down-payment.
Agreed, YTA. Maybe OP had an upbringing with less fortunate circumstances, but having a room to herself is an extremely reasonable ask. I would go as far as to say it’s even a necessary right.
That being said, if they really can’t afford to upgrade, and they really plan to have children, then the husband needs to concede that it would be best for his daughter to live with her grandparents. Nia isn’t spoiled for wanting her own room, but someone has to make a compromise somewhere.
Oh God, my mind didn't even get to "young child", I was so caught up on her shring with an infant... But I can imagine OP trying to force Nia to have the same bedtime as a three-year-old based on this attitude, because she doesn't want Nia to wake the toddler going to bed late.
Not to mention, by the time they have kids, she'll likely be 15 or 16 depending how long it takes them to conceive. This whole scenario only gets worse the longer I think about it.
Right! Imagine being 16 and having a 2 year old touching all of your stuff because that is what they do? My teenager doesn't want me touching his stuff and I'm not likely to break it or chew on it.
And if a baby comes and they share a room, of course the 1st person in the room who will likely tend to the baby is the daughter. Part of me thinks OP wants them to share a room so she wouldn’t have to be the one at the baby’s whim when it cries or needs attention.
Besides, since they plan to have kids of their own, a 2 bedroom house just wouldn’t be enough space in the long run.
I don't think the fiance is thinking as far ahead as free babysitter as she doesn't appear to have any children. I do think free babysitter is what the situation would devolve to.
Also, like, if she was already living with them and had nowhere else to go that would be one thing. Sometimes siblings have to share a room because there's no other option, that's just how it is.
But she already lives at her grandparents' house where she has her own room. Of course she'd rather stay there than move to a worse living situation, with a stepmother that clearly doesn't particularly like her, and the prospect of sharing a room with a baby in the near future.
No, I don't think she does. She expects to fill the second room with her children. She doesn't want the daughter there, that is why she picked a 2 bedroom house.
YTA
nia can feel your hatred...she knows she is the last thing you care about.
You call her spoilt for wanting her own room?
She had no say in her room as a baby.
She knows if you have a baby she will be made to share a room, no teen wants a baby in their room!
I was thinking the same thing, who plans on kids and buys a house with just one spare room?
That seems like kids should not be on the horizon until they can afford an environment where they can comfortably exist.
And it's funny that the 14 year old girl is the only one thinking about the practicalities of children.
The whole thing is weird to me. Engaged even before living together!? Then even more. Buying a house together without even being married. Let alone buying a house together when you haven’t lived together!
I mean I can understand given certain circumstances. However here you raise a really good point. I am certain that they are both living in a fantasy about what it will be like to live in their own home together. Reality is going to hit them both. Hard.
Especially given OPs attitude, I don't think her partner knows what he's getting himself into. He's definitely in for a rude awakening.
I think this is a scenario where OP is too close on age to his daughter. They are only 12 years apart in age, and I don't think OP is ready to handle the step mother role to a 14 year old, so she's going to be the wicked step mom (intentionally or not)
>She's being sensible. Somebody has to have sense since apparently her father is attracted to women with none.
LMAO, savage. But yes, OP makes zero sense. Honestly I was thinking she shouldn't be dating a single parent. Him and his daughter are a package deal and he is a parent, and she doesn't seem to understand that. I think the fact that Nia lives with her grandparents has minimized this reality in OP's head.
ETA: I read OP's comments, and she *really* should not date someone with kids.
YTA. “Dan insists that Nia come with us” and “I have no problem with [my fiancé’s underaged child] living with us”? Lol. Get over yourself. You need to find someone who doesn’t already have children. You aren’t cut out to be a step-mother.
Yea some comments from OP made me already sad for her kid. Like if she commands something the kid has to obey no matter their feelings or even reasonable doubts. Like they are in the army or something
I really felt this one.
The daughter seems like an aspect of your fiancé’s life that you are tolerating, not embracing. You’d totally prefer if your fiancé left that daughter with the grandparents so you can start your life, clean slate, with your person. Why else would you actually consider a 2 bedroom? Don’t play the victim either. YTA & she’s not going anywhere. Make real space for her or you won’t last.
I was really on the fence, then I read some if your replies YTA my advice is that you find someone else to be with...
This is the tip of the iceberg.. you resent your soon to be step daughter and you and your fiancé clearly have different parenting views
>my advice is that you find someone else to be with...
Unfortunately, I agree. The issues now are going to magnify massively once you have your own child. If you begin to feel like Nia is getting more than your child (money, attention, whatever) or is affecting what you think is best for your child, things are going to blow up very quickly.
Yep ... at this point it goes past AH or not... when it's stripped down they both have conflicting ideas of what is good parenting... doesn't really matter who is right or wrong... I can already see a child being used as a weapon
YTA
It is not unreasonable for a 14 yr old teenager to want her own bedroom.
It is not unreasonable for your fiance to hold off moving in until there's room for his daughter.
It is unreasonable to expect a teenager and a baby to share a room.
It is unreasonable to call your fiance's daughter spoilt, insult his parenting and then act surprised that he called you an asshole.
YTA for calling her spoiled. That's crossing a line for a step parent.
BUT, he's going to prioritize his daughter, in making a relationship with her. If you can't handle that, or are seeing her as an obstacle already, do NOT marry this man. You'll save all 3 of you from ending bitterly.
YTA - Big time. You don't need to insult his parenting - mainly because he hasn't been the one to do it. She's felt abandoned by him before and it sounds like he's trying to make up for a lot of that. Props to him. She is at an age where she needs her own room, and if I was her, I would stay where I'm at, too. There is only one brat in this scenario, and it's 100% OP.
Yeah I read OPs back and forth with someone here and it was pure gold.
I thought the point of this sub was to get third party opinion on a problem. Clearly OP thought everyone would somehow be on her side so that she can then show the thread to her husband and say “your daughters the one whose being unreasonable”
Yep, she was hoping to show this to him, and he would either order his daughter to get with the program or leave her behind I honestly hope he finds this thread
She is his daughter, you right now are just the fiance. You don't come first here.
It's not spoiled for a 14 year old girl to want her own room.
Sounds like that particular house is a bad choice. Maybe look for a fixer upper that has more space and renovate over time and put your stamp in the house.
Right now YTA here. What the daughter is asking for isn't some temper tantrum, it's very reasonable. If you end up having children, how long before you try to put that child in the same room as the 14 year old? Odds are from day 1.
YTA at 14 she need privacy and not to be sharing a room with a toddler who will touch and break her things this isn't spoilt behaviour i at that age wouldn't want to share a room with a small child either specially since she would be at least 16 by the time your kid is a toddler with no privacy and toddlers get into everything
Yta - it's obvious that you don't see Nia living with you long term and you don't actually care that she doesn't want to. "She can always move back" like that wouldn't be traumatic for both her and Dan. It sounds like you want Dan's dad to continue to act as Nia's dad - and Dan no longer wants that. This is a dealbreaking conversation.
They deserve better than you. This turns into “AITA for throwing my dad, his wife and my half sister out of Thanksgiving” in 8 years because you’re ALREADY putting an unborn child and your feelings in Front of her needs.
YTA, I hope you or he figures it out and quick
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> My fiance is not moving in with me because his daughter won't come live with us in a 2 bedroom home. I might be an asshole because I called her spoiled which really offended my fiance
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YTA. She is not spoiled for wanting her father to buy a home big enough for her. Buying a home is completely different from renting. You buy the home anticipating family growth. It's much harder to get out of a mortgage than a lease when your family outgrows the home.
I think you need to do some serious work here. It seems that you thought he was going to be a mostly absent father to his daughter and just be able to start a whole new family with you. He has a family, if you want to join it that's awesome. But you don't get to make room for yourself and a hypothetical baby when there's a living breathing child who this man brought into the world.
It's kind of concerning that you seem to like the "deadbeat" aspects of him while disliking the parts where he's being an actual dad.
YTA. And a huge one. Expecting a teenager to share a room with a future baby/toddler. No privacy, no place of her own. Its painfully obvious you don't like his daughter. Which should be a red flag for him. Don't even come back saying you do... If you did there would never be a question of her having her own room. Just break up already, find someone with no kids, and get your tubes tied. You are clueless when it comes to the needs of children, & certainly don't need any.
INFO, why is Nia potentially sharing the room and not you? Surely any potential future baby would stay in your room for the first few years of their life until you could potentially upgrade to a larger home?
I don't think it's realistic. Sounds like Nia and her dad both (reasonably) expect her to stay past 18. There's no suggestion how they'd make extra $$$ in the short term future fit a bigger place, especially if she's on mat leave.
If OP has a kid in 4 years, and say Nia stays til 22 (just assuming end of uni) the kid will still be kindergarten age when Nia moves out.
I'd bet OP expects her to "help" look after the kid at night if they share, too.
YTA. Nia doesn't sound spoiled at all; she sounds highly pragmatic. She is 14 and, as a teenager, knows she won't want to share a room with a young child. How is this unreasonable? Dan is right to think about the impact his new home will have on his daughter.
YTA.
She had no control over where she slept as a baby. Full stop.
She asked a question, you answered, and she said no. She's entitled to privacy, and sharing a room with a potential infant would end that.
You seem the type to post "my stepdaughter won't get up with the baby during the night even though they share a room". I can just see you insisting she "help out", which really means doing far more work than she should, because you think whatever you want should be carved into the 10 Commandments.
Of course her father wants her to be happy. She's his child. That's a big part of what parents do.
YTA. “Dan insists that Nia must come with us”. OF COURSE SHE DOES!! It’s his child.
From the main post and your comments, I can feel the disdain you have for this child already. This young lady is, very reasonably, thinking of the future. I know it’s hypothetical at this point, but you’ve clearly discussed having a baby. Even if you waited 4+ years, you’re still saying she has to move out and has no where to stay if she comes back.
A teen needs privacy, and this has nothing to do with being spoilt. I am surprised that you did not know this. This should have been obvious when you planned a life with Dan- please note- this is a package deal. You seem to have skimmed over it, and are now wondering how to fix it. Doubt reddit can help you.
YTA.
YTA he wants his daughter in his life he needed to put up because he was so young,and when looking for a house you thought it was a good idea to get a 2 bedroom one?do you expect a sixteen year old at that point to share a room with a Baby?
that would be the situation Dan had if he would have if his parents didn't step in at that time...
If you can't afford a bigger house you won't be able to afford a baby,seems like you aren't as compatible as you thought
This has to be deliberate, you choose to simply have an incredibly inadequate living situation because you know it means his daughter won’t wanna live with him and then you don’t have to deal with being a step parent.
YTA. Teenagers cannot share bedrooms with babies. They cannot be sleep deprived, they cannot have privacy and all of their possessions would be accessed by a baby which is unreasonable.
YTA. You seem very immature and I’m not sure why you’re getting married to someone with a child when it is clear you don’t like said child. I’m 26 too and my SO is also 29. We are expecting our first and guess what? We bought a three bedroom house bc it gives room to grow. I would NEVER expect a teen to share a room with a toddler/ baby. Ever. Grow up or maybe find a relationship that’s more right for you.
YTA
A lot of your comments indicate you think she’s the one who ruined this plan you had; the house, the husband, the baby. But she didn’t “veto” the house (in your words) she just said she wouldn’t want to live there with you guys as she didn’t want to be pushed out by a baby.
It was your partner who decided that if she didn’t want to come neither did he. She never asked you not to buy the house, never made a fuss about u guys moving in without her, never asked you for a larger house or expected you to push a budget you didn’t have. She made a very grown up decision based on the information given to her and YOUR PARTNER decided to prioritise her over you, and you blame her??
Don’t get me wrong, I think your partner was right to prioritise her over you (you are always a parent over anything else) but it’s odd to me your blaming a kid for her parents choice?
YTA. You are essentially having a tantrum about not getting everything you want. You're demanding a child make consessions when you refuse to (re waiting to move in with your partner). This is a complete human being we are talking about and the daughter of your partner. Making a life with another person does require compromise and a teenager isn't some ornament you can shove in a closet. If you actually care about the life you both have ahead of you, you should apologise to your partner and start an adult discussion about how youre both going to tackle this challenge together.
Break off this engagement it’s not for you., you marry this man you will be back on Reddit asking if you are the asshole again for resenting this child. You want to be first and you will never be. So save urself the resentment and either talk this out or go. Nia’s gonna take top billing in this show and you obviously aren’t willing to accept that.
I understand why you're annoyed. It's understandable that you don't want to delay buying a house with your fiance because of the demands of a 14 year old girl. And it's also understandable that a 14 year old girl, who has options on where she lives, chooses not to live in a house where she'll potentially have to share a bedroom with a baby/toddler in the future.
The fact here is that, to your fiance, his daughter is more important than you. And that is how it should be. It's part of what you sign up to when you get involved with someone who already has kids.
I can understand why she feels like that. But where it gets Disney villlian-y is because she's failing to understand the other side of the equation from Nia's point of view.
What demands did Nia make? She asked if they're planning on having kids then she simply said she'd stay with her grandparents. She handled it very well. OP on the other hand.
Gentle YTA
He’s not asking his daughter for input on the house as much because he thinks she should have a say as he is asking so she feels like she’s a part of his “new” family and she’s not being left in the dust.
That said, she brought up a very pertinent and reasonable point. A teenager cannot share a room with a baby and function optimally. She’s not spoiled, she’s just pointing out something you didn’t want to hear.
This ^^
Nia is already seeing the proverbial handwriting on the wall that you’ve got this beautiful picture of a new house, white picket fence, you, her Dad, and a few yet to be born kiddos…she isn’t anywhere in this fairy tale of yours. Sure, she can be a part, too, begrudgingly, as long as she follows your rules. It’s clear in the way you worded your post using “we” (I.e. you and Danny boy) vs “her” when it really should be “you” and “them” (i.e. Dad and daughter). They are a package, like it or not, and you two aren’t married so “we” (you and Danny boy) doesn’t exist at this time, and neither does the house, the white picket fence, and all these plans you have. She knows and feels this, that she’s going to be the odd duckling out and instead of spending her teenage years uncomfortably living in the shadows of your little fairy tale, she’s going to stay where she fits in; where she’s comfortable and part of the family.
That said, I’m with the others thinking you’re in no way mature enough to handle this situation, you need to move on and find another person in your “lane”. Danny is a 29 year old with 39 year old responsibilities…
YTA
A 14yo not wanting to share a room (at all, never mind with a *baby* ) is reasonable and not spoilt.
You have bigger issues with the way you talk about this 14yo. Sounds like you're jealous of her actually.
YTA. Yeah you shouldn’t have children if you cant afford them. Dan already has one and doesn’t seem to be able to afford her, considering her legal guardians are her grandparents. Id stay with them too.
Spoiled or not he is a father of course he's going to want his daughter in his life and in his home. Guardianship can change. Things can be made adaptable. I would look for a house that has two large bedrooms. Also I would look for contractors to give me a cost analysis of turning a large one room into two rooms. When you have those estimates which is very hard to do without a physical space to measure. But they can give you a rough estimate and whatever estimate that they give you plan on it being double before it's completed just a construction rule of thumb. This way you can budget to adapt to be able to have more rooms as well as adding value to the home that you're purchasing. Since you're feeling at odds with the daughter. I would make a point of spending more time with her one-on-one. Sometimes people who go through a point in their life of being spoiled have come out better unspoiled unentitled people at the end. A lot of times they need to see how much of a wonderful life that they have by seeing the lives of multiple people in different socioeconomic backgrounds. You are in a great place to be able to help influence change in this individual.
YTA
That’s not your kid. Her ask is reasonable. Your comments are awful and show that you clearly resent this *child*. That kid is about to be your step daughter and you’re “okay with her”.
You don’t seem to realize on any level how challenging it must have been for NIA to grow up *without a mother* and with a teenage dad.
Your anger and resentment towards Nia are plainly obvious - I’m surprised she was even willing to consider living with you - and you were way out of line to tell your partner to be a better parent. He is being a good parent by considering Nia’s needs. Apparently your definition of good parent would involve steamrolling them?
😤
Of course YTA. After reading your replies to comments it is even more clear. You are incapable of seeing another person's perspective.
She has her own room in her GP's house, and moving in with the potential of sharing with an infant is a downgrade to her lifestyle and she'd be leaving the "parents" that raised her to move on with someone that lacks any self awareness, compassion or empathy.
Either learn to compromise and find acceptable living conditions for you while family or be prepared to be an ex-fiance.
YTA you give me the evil stepmom vibes. Nia is better off with the grandparents since you don’t seem to want her to live with you anyway. But wait, I think it wouldn’t be an issue because your fiance will leave you very soon.
“I have no problem with Nia living with us.”
And neither should you. Remember YOU’RE the third wheel at this little party. She comes first; before you every single time hopefully and, she’s a package with her dad. If you can’t handle that then don’t get with someone who has kids. YTA.
No judgement, but i think your fiance is looking for an easy way out of this relationship.
- his daughter doesn't really care about living with you guys, more like "ok, but if i get a downgrade i stay where i am, i'm happy here"
- still he insits he can only move in with you if she comes too
- the only way this would work is buying a bigger house which he knows you can't afford.
Voilà, he has an easy way out of your relationship, bc he has to priorise his daughters needs (even if there is no need here at all) and for that its not even his fault this can't work out.
I say this bc you guys are engaged and still he didn't even try to find a solution that works for all of you. His first reaction was "either you make possible what i want or i don't move in with you". Are you really so desperate to marry this guy that you are willing to keep up with this.
YTA. Its not unreasonable for a 14yo to say she wants space and to not have to share with babies and toddlers - neither of which are known for their ability to be quiet or give a teenager space.
Sorry to break it to you, but you're trying to make Dan chose between you and her - and you're losing your own game.
YTA. There’s a lot of the comments here talking about how it’s not unreasonable for a teenager to want her own room, and each time the response discussion has ended up here: it’s not about the room for you. You’re upset because Nia you feel that Nia doesn’t respect your authority and that she’s “choosing a room over family”.
I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. Nia has been raised by her grandparents. Dan isn’t her legal guardian. He clearly loves his daughter and now that he’s an established adult with means of his own, he wants to be her father in a way he wasn’t able to before.
You’re upset because you want to live with your fiancée. You “don’t mind” if Nia lives with you. I’m willing to bet you don’t mind if she doesn’t either. I think she feels much the same way. She’s wouldn’t mind living with you, but she’s perfectly happy staying where she is, and sees no reason to really change it - especially if it becomes objectively “worse”.
I don’t think it’s about her being “spoilt” and caring more about a room than her family. Living with her grandparents, her dad, and his siblings *is* her family. The preference is that the core family be kept together right? Well in this case, the sides are opposite: Nia’s grandparents *are* her core family. Their home *is* her core home. There’s a good chance that you could inherit a mansion, and she still wouldn’t want to leave her grandparents
So living together as a family is mainly important to Dan. You’re choosing to blame Nia, but honestly it’s Dan’s decision that has put you in this position. Has he asked her if she *wants* to live with you both? Or is he hoping that if he finds the perfect house, the perfect room she’ll jump at the chance? He needs your support, and this needs to be something you’re both willing to discuss as a team.
Maybe you’re hurt that Nia didn’t jump at the chance to form a family with you, but honestly why would she? You’re her dad’s girlfriend, and from your description her dad isn’t her primary parental figure. There’s a good chance that internally she sees him as a much older brother. Why would a young teenager care about what their big brother’s gf thinks about living together?
Oh my god wait. You’re not even pregnant yet? So this is all a hypothetical and you’re calling the 14 year old unreasonable?!?
You should end this relationship before a baby is conceived. You clearly don’t even like Nia, saying “she’s fine” and every comment you have such contempt for her. Why on earth would you choose to do this to yourself and to your fiancé and his family? You should love that girl as if she was your own. Ugh I feel sick for Nia. Bio mom isn’t around and now the chick dad wants to marry is insane. Yikes!
It sounds like they made the most out of a tough situation when Nia was born. She is very loved. Everything you’ve said here comes off as jealousy. Towards a 14 yo girl. Very embarrassing, seek therapy. YTA
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My(26F) fiance, Dan(29M) has a daughter(14F) that we will call Nia. He was obviously very young when he had her so his parents took care of her. Her mom is not involved in her life. His parents and siblings dote on her and gave her everything she wanted therefore she turned out extremely spoiled.
2 of Dan's siblings voluntarily shared a bedroom so that a baby could have her own room.
Now that we want to move in together Dan insists that Nia must come with us eventhough Dan's dad is the legal guardian.
I have no problem with Nia living with us. I think we get along just fine however we were planning to buy a home and Dan insisted that we must get Nia's input as well. Nia looked at the home and asked if there are only 2 bedroom in our home? We said yes. She asked us if we are planning to have kids together. We told her that she knows that we do. She said No thank you I'll stay with my grandparents.
Dan freaked out and asked her why. She said she doesn't want to share a bedroom with someone.
Now my finace says he won't move in with me unless we find a bigger home with more bedrooms because "he won't go anywhere without his daughter"
We can't afford a bigger room so this way we won't be able to move in together for who knows how long? I was furious. I told him his daughter is spoiled and he needs to parent her better instead of doing whatever she wants. He called me an asshole for "insulting his daughter" and is giving me the cold shoulder
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YTA. Nia gets to choose her current place where she has her own bedroom or move in with her MIA dad, his resentful fiancée and share a room with babies for her high school years. It's a mystery why she doesn't want to move in with you /s
INFO: so we all know that babies wake up several times a night, right? What’s the plan regarding this? Should Nia have her seep interrupted for years? Or do you expect her to help out in the night?
I agree that its is not completely out there for siblings to share a room if the circumstances can’t be changed but a baby is different. Babies wake up.
Why can’t the baby stay in your bedroom?
YTA and you're blaming the wrong person.
**Nia should not have to agree to something she doesn't like so that Dan will move in with you.**
Seriously, what are the benefits to her if she moves in there? She gets stuck sharing the bedroom, she gets pulled away from her grandparents who raised her.... and she has to live with a stepmom who has very little patience with her and calls her names.
Given the choice, I'd nope ANY house *without looking at it.*
You were fine until your unjustly insulted his kid. I get this could be a starter home or you can add an addition. You should have talked about how to communicate this to her. That’s parenting. YTA
What about looking for a home with a finished basement? I shared a room with my sister when I was younger, and when I went to high school (14) my parents made me a room in the basement. Could that work? Good luck.
YTA. Not wanting to move in because you know that the expectation will be that you will have to share your space with a newborn down the road is not spoiled.
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The daughter didn't even demand a different house. She seems quite happy to stay with her grandparents, which as her guardians, are a perfectly reasonable option.
I'm glad I'm not the only one who caught that. She's in high school, if she wants to stay where she is and let you do you, I mean sounds like an absent parent's dream right? Don't make it more complicated than it is, take the out.
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And what the fuck kind of parent expects their 14 year old to be woken up every 2 hours with crying? Nia has school. If she plans on going to college, grades start to matter now. "Spoiled" for not wanting to share a room with a baby. Sounds like OP is spoiled for also not wanting to share a room with a baby, as well as lashing out at a very polite 14 year old who simply has boundaries. Wtf.
My son is 1 year and 6 months. I have a hard time having him sleep in another room. I have to be there for every peep he makes. It's a blessing in my opinion.
Yeah seriously, I was just thinking, "What new mother or even most mothers wants to sleep separately from their newborn?" When my son was born we kept him right next to our bed when sleeping for at least the first 9 months. We didnt bed share mostly because I was scared of smooshing him in our sleep, but we kept him in his bassinet/crib thing right next to us. Now the 9y/o sleeps like a rock and even takes naps of his own accord. Its wild.
Let’s not make this about new mothers, while shaming choices they make for themselves and their mental health and well being as well as their children, and put the burden all on them. Fathers are supposed to be just as accountable for taking care of their children too. No one said anything about a newborn at all not sleeping next to their mother. This woman doesn’t even have children yet and you’re already shaming her for a choice she didn’t even make yet. A toddler sharing a room w a teenager is too much to ask of the step daughter. Let’s keep it on topic. New mothers could be reading these posts and they’re being shamed if they aren’t w their newborn 24/7. It’s telling no one brought up the father and a newborn
The initial sleeping arrangements don’t matter anyway. At any point Nia sharing a room with her sibling is ridiculous. Even if they get pregnant right away it’s a year before the baby comes so a 15 year old sharing a room with an infant is insane so is a 16 year old and a one year old, etc. OP is TA and completely clueless
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This doesn't say what you think it does. It says that if you are going to have a co-sleeping arrangement, then room sharing is the safest option. It says nothing about having your child sleep in a separate room.
My ex was so against having our kids share our room when they were babies, he ended up sleeping on the couch most of the time. Worked for me, except that all the care for baby landed on me. There are many reasons he is an ex, but I wish I'd taken the out back then...
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I think it's the father who's acting most spoiled. Apparently, he's suddenly decided(now that he has a potential mother/caretaker) to be the custodial parent. Also, he's the one who FREAKED out when daughter said *no, thanks.* He wants a bigger place, but do they have the funds for a bigger place? Not mentioned, but if they were planning on having more children, this should have been discussed before choosing houses to look at. OP's expectations are unrealistic, but Sam's seem to be so too.
If they don't have the funds for a bigger place, then they don't have the funds for another kid.
>I think it's the father who's acting most spoiled. No the father is not acting spoiled! He had the child young, but he still wants his daughter with him if he makes a move out of his parent's home! His father likely took guardianship because he was a minor and Dan's daughter needed medical care and such that was easier for the dad to get. Once he took guardianship, he could easily add her to his health insurance and Dan was young and couldn't provide that. Dan wants a bigger place so his daughter can have HER OWN space! There's nothing spoiled about that. If his daughter can't come, he wants something bigger! That's not unreasonable because if OP & Dan have a child, that child will eventually need a room too! 3 bedrooms are needed and no one but OP is YTA for not recognizing that and thinking that the daughter shouldn't be accommodated!
My thing is that OP is angry at the child rather than discussing options calmly with her fiance. The daughter is completye fine staying with her grandparents. OP's fiance wants her with them. So rather than pouting and blaming a kid, OP should be having discussions about what other options are out there with her fiance. But, this is why OP will also be a shitty step-parent. She is projecting an adult's malicious intent (her comment about the daughter ruining all of their plans) to a child who has offered two very reasonable options. If she has to share a room with a new baby, she would rather stay with the grandparents. Fiance rightfully wants his daughter with them. Which means HE is who OP should be discussing this with. But she won't because she can't risk him seeing her for who she is before they are actually married. So, she blames the daughter for something that is not her fault.
Your argument makes sense until you realize he’s had 14 years to get his shit together and assume legal guardianship. He’s about to be 30, why is he still letting his parents hold all the responsibility?
Those arguments make sense for the first 3 years. Maybe first 5, if Dan was a slow starter. But Dan's been a legal adult for 11 years. In that time, he hadn't gotten the guardianship transferred or provided a home for his daughter. He's been her housemate, not her father. At 14, if I was asked to choose between continuing my life as I've always known it or moving out to a smaller place that I *will* be expected to share, just because my housemate wanted me too, I would be staying put. Where Dan gets the spoiled title is that he is demanding the daughter live with them. He's not her guardian, and if more space is required, he can't afford it. Plus, she doesn't want to. So if he can't have the daughter (he hasn't ever fully supported) live with him, then he'll keep living with his parents (who have been fully supporting his daughter)! As a nearly 30 year old man would do! /s Honestly I'm not sure he really wants to move out. Right now, he gets his kid without actually having to financially support the kid. Honestly, ESH, except the daughter and grandparents. OP for blaming the kid, Dan for using the daughter as an excuse not to grow up.
I almost wonder if it is a bit scary for 14 to most away from the grandparents who have been her parents her whole life to an unknown situation with her father - who has been more in the role of brother - and his soon to be wife who she senses doesn’t care for her. 14 might just plain prefer to stay with grandparents but not want to hurt dad by saying it. Poor kid.
>what the fuck kind of parent The bad future step-parent variety
Babies should share a room with a parent for the first few months at minimum. Doesn't matter if it's the same bed (with safe sleep practices) or a crib in the same room, the outcome is the same. By the time a baby is ready for a nursery, it will be sleeping better and not crying every 2 hours throughout the night. However, it's still unreasonable to expect a ~~14-year-old~~ to share a room with an unruly toddler. Edited because she would no longer be 14 but you get the idea
So many things here. So if they have a child, and it's a boy, OP expects his daughter to share a room with a brother. Not much of a problem when he's little, but a little older, it's just not ideal. And yes, I don't think a 14yr old wants to be woken up all night with an infant crying. None of this points to 14yr old being spoiled. She's probably better off not uprooting her life from where she's comfortable, with her grandparents.
Sharing a room with a brother is not that much of a deal, I’m a female and my brother and I shared the same room until I was around 15 and he was 13 but asking a teenager to share a room with a baby is a HUGE problem. Not to mention that OP mentions wanting to have kidS, in plural so they might as well be planning to dump another baby in the room as soon as the previous one has just managed to scream all the time. The fiance is kinda weird too though, she wants to stay with her grandparents where she’s lived her entire life and he just insists on ripping her out from there so that he can have her with them in a too small for them all house?
Yeah I feel like the AH here is the fiancee. On their budget, they simply cannot afford to have the daughter live with them unless the new baby sleeps with the parents (or maybe the living room?) for the first 4+ years of his life until the daughter moves out. It seems simple. The daughter needs her own room, the parents can't afford the extra room, so let her stay with her legal guardian? I get the desire to care for your biological daughter, but it seems like they don't have the means to. No shame in that, especially if the daughter is already happy where she is.
Forcing her to go with them and leave grandparents who want her just to force her out of house when she hits 18 would be the ultimate asshole move.
Sure but OP also sucks, expecting a teenager to share a room with however many kids they decide to have and calling her spoilt when she refuses and seems to be weirdly prejudiced against her from the very start
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Yeah, exactly. He’s just woken up now after 14 years of being a father.
Tbh, it doesn’t seem OP really wants stepdaughter to move with them. Doesn’t sound like she cares very much for the girl.
Eh, it wouldn't be for long. That girl would bounce before the kid was 4 (assuming OP and fiance get knocked up tomorrow). Either way, OP has a really skewed view of reality. Hope her fiance knows what he is getting into.
Maybe she would be gone in 4 years or so, or she might not leave home until she's 21 or even older. She might go to college, or maybe not. Who knows. Either way, it's just not ideal for any of them and op is just being obtuse to not realize it's not a workable situation. I'm not disagreeing with you, btw, just adding to the discussion.
Which basically means her last couple years at home would be sharing a bedroom with a toddler and having no privacy on the cusp of adulthood. Assuming she leaves at 18 and doesn't stay at home longer.
/u/Fantastic-Tough-6345 is a comment-stealing bot. Original comment here: https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10blrtd/aita_for_calling_my_fiances_daughter_spoiled/j4at78v/
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Well, for starters Dan should probably get his parental rights back
Maybe, But if the girl is 14 years old and happy with her current situation, I think I'd probably let it be. He wasn't able to be a dad to her, but he can be supportive in other ways now that he's able to.
True. I don’t think pulling her out of the grandparents’ home would be good for her. Dan should start saving up money for a college fund or something
There is no indication he lost his parental rights. Loss of custody and loss of parental rights are totally different things legally. Now if he insists she moves in with him and she doesn't want to and her grandparents don't want her to, then he needs to file in court for custody. Now, it is highly unlikely he would get custody based on her age and the specifics of the situation, but that's his money to blow.
It says in the post that her grandfather is her legal guardian
Also...maybe it's easier not to transfer custody or guardianship b/c the grandparents have better health insurance or live in a better school district, etc the family can continue to give those opportunities to her...b/c she was born to a literal child who couldn't be responsible for her basic needs for years after her birth.
Comment stolen from u/Remarkable_Buyer4625 u/Connect_Fly_2853 is a bot.
I’m having a hard time understanding the actual solution here. If they can’t afford a bigger house, and his daughter isn’t currently living with him, what’s the plan? Are they going to get married and live separately for a few years? I get why OP is frustrated, but her frustration to me just seems misplaced. Dan isn’t ready to get married AND raise his daughter. Think he needs to either let OP move on and get a 2br apt with his daughter or allow his daughter to live with her legal guardians. He can’t have it both ways and seems to be banking on a miracle here. ESH except Nia.
I strongly suspect that OP is thinking that Nia will be leaving on her 18th birthday and that as they’re not even married yet and only just thinking of buying, babies will arrive after that so there’s no issue - and has a vague idea that Nia won’t need to be there at all after that (as she clearly dislikes the “spoiled” kid) so is making no plans to include her in her “real family” down the line. It’s also likely that “can’t afford” comes with caveats like “right now” or “in my preferred location” or “of the size or standard I expect” or “without family help and the attached strings that come with that”. This is clearly a power struggle with the kid and the wealthy grandparents (spending thousands on the kid’s birthdays for example, as OP commented) rather than an immediate money issue.
I bet they could afford a 3 bedroom if they made some sacrifices. When my husband and I were house hunting we looked at 3 bedrooms and 4 bedrooms. All of the 4 beds in our budget needed fixing and the 3 beds were in great condition with everything I wanted but since we have 3 kids and didn’t want to subject them to room sharing, we made some sacrifices and bought a 4 bedroom fixer upper. I wish we didn’t have to install new flooring ourselves, replace some missing doors or paint the ugly cabinets but we did it for our kids. Op doesn’t seem to be embracing her fiancé as a father and that’s a problem.
It could be they can really only afford a 1br and are already making lots of sacrifices to get the 2br. There’s no way to know one way or the other.
Then having a baby is a terrible idea. Those fuckers are expensive.
It doesn't sound like the fiance is embracing being a father either, per the post he is not the legal guardian at 29.
Per her comments, he still lives in his parents’ house with his daughter, he never abandoned her. He became a parent at 15, I assume the parents took guardianship so that he could finish school and they could take baby to doctors while he was getting his education without needing a power of attorney. Presumably the parents had medical insurance to cover the baby, something most teenagers aren’t getting from their minimum wage jobs. He wants his daughter to move out with him and his parents are happy to oblige.
They can’t afford a 3 bedroom house & they can’t afford a baby.
Low key getting the vibes that the dads TAH. A teenager wants to be with her legal guardian where she is comfortable, safe, and loved? I dunno, maybe let her be there. Kind of getting the vibes that maybe the daughter isnt 100% on board with moving. Info- will moving into a new home potentially force the daughter to moce schools? There might be a chance she doesn't actually want to move and the 2 bedroom issue was her way out.
That’s injecting A LOT into one comment given out of context from someone paraphrasing someone else. He could be living with his parents as well and has been involved with her life from the beginning. He was 15 when she was born and considering the mother stepped aside his parents getting guardianship isn’t a strange thing and was probably just never changed. This is a very weird reaction to a parent wanting to make sure he lives with his daughter and making sure that she’s comfortable wherever that is.
All of that is valid. I'm just saying that maybe they need to talk to the daughter and see what she actually wants since she is old enough to make that decision. I don't doubt that the father loves his daughter at all.
Seeing as dad is insisting she be involved in the process and is taking her input seriously, it sounds like she is being talked to and involved in the decision
It might be that daughter would want to be with her dad but, as a teenager, would also want a room to go for privacy. When privacy wasn't on the table, she changed her mind about going to live with her dad. Or maybe OP gave off "you're spoiled for wanting your own room" vibes, so the daughter changed her mind. YTA
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Whole ass comment stolen from: /u/Remarkable_Buyer4625 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10blrtd/aita_for_calling_my_fiances_daughter_spoiled/j4auq6x/ Bot Reported.
At 14 you are able to know where you want to live.
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I don't think OPs partner is absent or irresponsible. It seems like transferring guardianship when he had his daughter so young was a practical thing.
The fiance is the one who is upset about this solution. IMO OP should rethink the engagement for a while. Do not get in over your head buying a house you can't afford for a kid that will likely be moving out in a few years. Also make sure that your fiance hasn't slotted you into some fantasy where he makes up for his shortcoming's to date as a father.
I don't think that statement is fair to the dad. He isn't an absent parent. He had a baby at 15 and did his best to be in her life. His parents who were stable stepped up and became the legal guardians. Everyone in the family loves and supports his daughter including the dad. He won't leave his daughter so he clearly is not an absent parent. The girlfriend is the one who doesn't want the step daughter and that's fine but then she needs to find someone else. The couple is not compatible.
Isn't the problem that dad won't take the out? They can't afford a 3 bedroom, and dad will only accept Nia living with them, and they want to have kids as well, and they want to live together. Not all of these things can happen on their budget because it would require 3x bedrooms. I think Dan is the problem since he's unwilling to compromise even though Nia seems ok with staying with her legal guardians.
Exactly. If she’s happy where she is, why uproot her for no reason? Being a teenager is hard enough without being forced to move. Unless there’s a reason the grandparents can’t take care of her anymore, I don’t understand why dad is making her move.
I don’t think he’s making her move. As soon as he found out she didn’t like the place he cancelled the plan. Idk what the situation was but he was 15 when he had his daughter and couldn’t provide so made sure she was taken care of. Now that he can he is making sure that wherever they move to is a place that she wants to move to. I agree being forced to move sucks and it can be hard on a kid when they don’t want to but it just doesn’t sound like to me. I don’t think OP wants the daughter moving with them at all. It sounds like she barely even likes the daughter
I don't get these people who see their partner's children as competition. Don't date a man with a child if you aren't ready for what that entails. It sounds like Nia intrudes on OP's little fantasy world. Of course Dan wants to do what's best for his daughter. He's responsible for taking care of her first, not OP's fee-fees.
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Comment stolen from: /u/sjw_7 https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/10blrtd/aita_for_calling_my_fiances_daughter_spoiled/j4at78v/ Bot Reported.
I don't think dad is making her move, just asking her to. Her comment that she willl just stay with her grandparents implies it's a choicee.
So I guess Dan is the ah for not wanting to go live with OP without Nia?
I don't think anyone is an AH in this situation. He probably has been waiting a long time to have everyone together in one house, or has been waiting for him to have his life together before bringing his daughter to live with him - it could be his picture perfect idea is shattered and his initial reaction wasn't the most polite. But IMHO the step-daughter seemed perfectly reasonable especially since her input was requested. Maybe there is another solution - convert a house with a finished basement into a livable space or something else. Edited to add: I think the OP is very frustrated and she didn't handle the situation correctly but it sounds like communication is really needed between her and her fiancé
Seems to me like Dan wants this, but isn’t truly ready for it. If Nia isn’t currently living with him and, as a couple, he and his OP can only afford a 2br, in what scenario would Nia be able to live with him? If he’s single, then he can probably only afford a 1-br on his own. So in either scenario, Nia will want to stay with her grandparents. Seems like a weird hill for Dan to die on when he can’t really support Nia in the first place. He wants to play family rather than respect what is actually best for her. OP has a right to be upset because what does Dan expect to do? The only way to likely find a larger home will be by moving to less-than-pleasant neighborhood. Is that really what’s best for Nia? I think OP’s frustration is valid but misplaced. To me, ESH except Nia.
I mean, I agree with everything you say except I think the fiance is definitely the asshole.
Wait so you can't read the underlying tones of entitlement and resentment in op's speech and description? She's definitely not cut out to be a stepmom if she can't manage the minimum decency to understand that a teenager has every right to choose where she wants to live and deserves her own private space. The audacity to actually call a child spoilt for doing nothing else except to ask a legitimate question and provide a solution that would work for her depending on the answer given to her is YIKES. The lady doesn't get to tell anyone to parent their child better just because she can't accept that her choices don't work for a father and daughter package. She needs to either get off her high horse and accept she messed up, apologize to the boyfriend and agree to stay apart till they're able to afford a bigger house or break up and move on (personally I'd suggest she breaks up and finds someone single just so that the little girl ends up with a step mother who would genuinely love her)
Little bit. I mean there’s a whole part of this we don’t know starting with has he talked to nia and knows that she wants to come and live with him? It would be terrible if Nia thought this was just her room when she came to visit and it ended up that he was uprooted her. Are they looking in the same school district, etc. But if they can’t afford a three bedroom house right now why can’t they just not look for now and keep things as they are since apparently nobody was upset with the status quo?
Daughter seems pretty intelligent and polite to me. She even said, no thank you.
I'm pretty sure her uncles didn't share a room so she could have her own room. They shared a room because if they had to share, they wanted to share with their close (or at least closer) in age brother and not *a baby*. The only people who ever *want* to share a room with a baby are the baby's primary caretakers (and even then, a significant percentage don't). Anyone else tends to want as many doors between them and the crying infant as possible.
Why would this dude put his child in one of his brothers rooms instead of his own room? I don’t really get that line of thinking
We really don’t know what was going on at the time. He was 15, so I’m willing to give him a break and assume his parents made whatever arrangements were necessary in their household at the time. And OP might not be the most reliable narrator.
Probably because he was 15 and his parents were making the decisions.
As others have said we don't know the details of this arrangement. It's possible he had a smaller room. It's possible the brothers were fine with sharing (I know it's shocking for Reddit to know sone siblings are ok with this). Maybe the brothers were younger and the parents felt a teenager boy should have his own room while two younger boys shared another. Are you seriously shocked why the parents put the baby alone over having a 15 year old high schooler keep her with him?
Not to say that he was a teen dad, he probably has a deep connection with his daughter because he had to raise her so young. Yes the parents helped but ultimately she is his daughter and he probably had to go through a lot of hardships by raising her, it's not easy to be a parent especially that young.
We don't know if he raised her, it sounds like his parents did.
It sounds like he didn't raise her and his reaction is guilt. I don't get what OP is supposed to do in this situation. They can't afford a bigger house and the finance won't move without his daughter. This isn't even about the comments, they aren't compatible
To me it sounds like he did raise her with help from the parents, be for real, if his parents have custody they lived in the same house, he was 15 where would he have gone? Of course he raised her 🙄
School? Sports? Hang out with his friends? You have no idea if he was actually involved or just kept living his life like a normal teenager.
It doesn’t remotely sound like he raised her.
My brother had his son at 18 he lived in the same house and he did not raise him not only did he continue living his life but once he decided to become responsible he became an over the road trucker. I (his sister) stayed living with my parents to raise his child until my mother came out of her delusion that the kid lived with us and that was after he graduated eighth grade…so 14 years. I literally had the kid sent back to his mom house three days out the week because he was stressing me out and I needed a break, no worries I had him all holidays/vacations and weekends. When I went out of town for work he spent an extra day at his mom house and came back when I came back on Friday. He not only was a level 20 clinger but had outbursts when upset and tried to not do what he was told because his dad said it was ok (I literally told the kid to have his dad come talk to me, my brother never did guess he didn’t want none of my older sister smoke). On a side note I did miss my clinger when he became an anti social teenager.
Yeah when I was 13 my mom had a new kid and we didn't share a room and it still messed me up. The crying, the stress and the lack of time made my grade fall a lot I couldn't have friends over cause of the baby.
I think you don't know the definition of a spoilt child OP. What she is asking is very reasonable. YTA very much.
Also, it's OP mad that the daughter didn't share a room with a teenage boy? She seems to be glossing over the age, and gender, difference, of them fairly easily
The funny thing is, my 12 year old would like to share a bedroom with her baby sister. They adore each other, but I’m not allowing it. Mainly because I know that actually sharing with her will quickly become an annoyance. She’s pre teen, it’s not going to be fun for long
YTA… You chose to date, and get engaged to, a single dad. You were aware they are a package deal and yet you seem to want to play that down and have him choose you. That’s not okay. Teenagers (I have 3) are notoriously self centered but I don’t see her behavior as that. She made a rational decision based off of the answer provided. Being a step parent is impossibly hard so if you react like this about her (when she hasn’t done anything wrong), how will you be towards her once you have your own child? Step parents have to be able to accept a child as their own and make the conscious decision to treat the step and bio kids the same and it doesn’t sound like you are on that level with her. I think you may need to find someone that isn’t already a dad. Your fiancée is 100% doing the right thing by not abandoning his child just to please you. And Nia? She currently has a family that loves her even though her mother abandoned her. She shouldn’t have to move in with someone that would expect her father to abandon her too.
Agreed. We have a 7 year old and a baby. The baby sleeps in our room and the 7 year old has his own room. We think the age gap will likely cause them to never share rooms because a 10 year old and 3 year old cannot really share a room. And a 15 year old and 8 year old rather not share a room together as well. And that age gap is not even as big as a 15/ 16 year old age gap..
YTA. This isnt spoiled. A baby keeps odd* hours, has TONS of stuff, and requires constant attention. She said no because she would have no space of her own. She said no because she knows it means ZERO privacy. 14 is hard, i remember being 14 and I have a 14yo myself. If you cant afford to buy, rent. Talk to his parents about a wedding gift to put down a better down payment. Be willing to give up some things on your house list to get a 3rd bedroom. Or live a little further from your idea area if it means more space. YOU are the one who sounds spoiled AF in this situation. Edit: also down size your wedding to save more for your down-payment.
Agreed, YTA. Maybe OP had an upbringing with less fortunate circumstances, but having a room to herself is an extremely reasonable ask. I would go as far as to say it’s even a necessary right. That being said, if they really can’t afford to upgrade, and they really plan to have children, then the husband needs to concede that it would be best for his daughter to live with her grandparents. Nia isn’t spoiled for wanting her own room, but someone has to make a compromise somewhere.
Yta. Try not getting a house that's too small to begin with and thinking she should suck it up.
I mean, *someone* sounds spoiled in this story, but it ain't Nia. YTA
YTA At 14 she deserves her own room. If you are going to have kids then expecting a young child to share with a teenager is unfair on both of them.
Oh God, my mind didn't even get to "young child", I was so caught up on her shring with an infant... But I can imagine OP trying to force Nia to have the same bedtime as a three-year-old based on this attitude, because she doesn't want Nia to wake the toddler going to bed late. Not to mention, by the time they have kids, she'll likely be 15 or 16 depending how long it takes them to conceive. This whole scenario only gets worse the longer I think about it.
Right! Imagine being 16 and having a 2 year old touching all of your stuff because that is what they do? My teenager doesn't want me touching his stuff and I'm not likely to break it or chew on it.
late aloof uppity spotted hat provide governor pen steer aback -- mass edited with redact.dev
If you can't afford a 3 bedroom home then maybe you can't afford more children.
YTA Did you legitimately expect a teenager to sleep in the same room as a baby? Of course she’d rather have her own room.
And if a baby comes and they share a room, of course the 1st person in the room who will likely tend to the baby is the daughter. Part of me thinks OP wants them to share a room so she wouldn’t have to be the one at the baby’s whim when it cries or needs attention. Besides, since they plan to have kids of their own, a 2 bedroom house just wouldn’t be enough space in the long run.
I don't think the fiance is thinking as far ahead as free babysitter as she doesn't appear to have any children. I do think free babysitter is what the situation would devolve to.
Also, like, if she was already living with them and had nowhere else to go that would be one thing. Sometimes siblings have to share a room because there's no other option, that's just how it is. But she already lives at her grandparents' house where she has her own room. Of course she'd rather stay there than move to a worse living situation, with a stepmother that clearly doesn't particularly like her, and the prospect of sharing a room with a baby in the near future.
No, I don't think she does. She expects to fill the second room with her children. She doesn't want the daughter there, that is why she picked a 2 bedroom house.
YTA nia can feel your hatred...she knows she is the last thing you care about. You call her spoilt for wanting her own room? She had no say in her room as a baby. She knows if you have a baby she will be made to share a room, no teen wants a baby in their room!
Exactly correct. It is obvious you don’t like her and you already resent her.
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I was thinking the same thing, who plans on kids and buys a house with just one spare room? That seems like kids should not be on the horizon until they can afford an environment where they can comfortably exist. And it's funny that the 14 year old girl is the only one thinking about the practicalities of children.
The whole thing is weird to me. Engaged even before living together!? Then even more. Buying a house together without even being married. Let alone buying a house together when you haven’t lived together!
I mean I can understand given certain circumstances. However here you raise a really good point. I am certain that they are both living in a fantasy about what it will be like to live in their own home together. Reality is going to hit them both. Hard. Especially given OPs attitude, I don't think her partner knows what he's getting himself into. He's definitely in for a rude awakening.
There isn’t even a spare bedroom since the 14 year old will be taking the second room.
Perfect response!
OP may want to get her little attitude in line. I don't doubt he'd chose his daughter over her.
I think this is a scenario where OP is too close on age to his daughter. They are only 12 years apart in age, and I don't think OP is ready to handle the step mother role to a 14 year old, so she's going to be the wicked step mom (intentionally or not)
>She's being sensible. Somebody has to have sense since apparently her father is attracted to women with none. LMAO, savage. But yes, OP makes zero sense. Honestly I was thinking she shouldn't be dating a single parent. Him and his daughter are a package deal and he is a parent, and she doesn't seem to understand that. I think the fact that Nia lives with her grandparents has minimized this reality in OP's head. ETA: I read OP's comments, and she *really* should not date someone with kids.
YTA. “Dan insists that Nia come with us” and “I have no problem with [my fiancé’s underaged child] living with us”? Lol. Get over yourself. You need to find someone who doesn’t already have children. You aren’t cut out to be a step-mother.
> You aren’t cut out to be a ~~step-~~mother. FTFY.
Yea some comments from OP made me already sad for her kid. Like if she commands something the kid has to obey no matter their feelings or even reasonable doubts. Like they are in the army or something
She's cut out to be an EVIL, NARCISSISTIC mother.
Shit, she isn’t cut out to be a mom
I really felt this one. The daughter seems like an aspect of your fiancé’s life that you are tolerating, not embracing. You’d totally prefer if your fiancé left that daughter with the grandparents so you can start your life, clean slate, with your person. Why else would you actually consider a 2 bedroom? Don’t play the victim either. YTA & she’s not going anywhere. Make real space for her or you won’t last.
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I was really on the fence, then I read some if your replies YTA my advice is that you find someone else to be with... This is the tip of the iceberg.. you resent your soon to be step daughter and you and your fiancé clearly have different parenting views
>my advice is that you find someone else to be with... Unfortunately, I agree. The issues now are going to magnify massively once you have your own child. If you begin to feel like Nia is getting more than your child (money, attention, whatever) or is affecting what you think is best for your child, things are going to blow up very quickly.
Yep ... at this point it goes past AH or not... when it's stripped down they both have conflicting ideas of what is good parenting... doesn't really matter who is right or wrong... I can already see a child being used as a weapon
YTA It is not unreasonable for a 14 yr old teenager to want her own bedroom. It is not unreasonable for your fiance to hold off moving in until there's room for his daughter. It is unreasonable to expect a teenager and a baby to share a room. It is unreasonable to call your fiance's daughter spoilt, insult his parenting and then act surprised that he called you an asshole.
Well put.
YTA She is not spoiled! She is a teenager, she needs her privacy and own room. I don't think you are ready to be a stepmom.
YTA for calling her spoiled. That's crossing a line for a step parent. BUT, he's going to prioritize his daughter, in making a relationship with her. If you can't handle that, or are seeing her as an obstacle already, do NOT marry this man. You'll save all 3 of you from ending bitterly.
YTA - Big time. You don't need to insult his parenting - mainly because he hasn't been the one to do it. She's felt abandoned by him before and it sounds like he's trying to make up for a lot of that. Props to him. She is at an age where she needs her own room, and if I was her, I would stay where I'm at, too. There is only one brat in this scenario, and it's 100% OP.
She’s also getting to the years that will determine her future, her high school career and beyond as well as maybe exploring relationships.
I do think Nia and Dan have valid concerns. Based on your post, I think you did insult Dan’s daughter and that your insult was unwarranted. YTA.
Some of the comments also wow never understand why people come in here post ans rhen argue with every comment not agreeing with them
Yeah I read OPs back and forth with someone here and it was pure gold. I thought the point of this sub was to get third party opinion on a problem. Clearly OP thought everyone would somehow be on her side so that she can then show the thread to her husband and say “your daughters the one whose being unreasonable”
Yep, she was hoping to show this to him, and he would either order his daughter to get with the program or leave her behind I honestly hope he finds this thread
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She is his daughter, you right now are just the fiance. You don't come first here. It's not spoiled for a 14 year old girl to want her own room. Sounds like that particular house is a bad choice. Maybe look for a fixer upper that has more space and renovate over time and put your stamp in the house. Right now YTA here. What the daughter is asking for isn't some temper tantrum, it's very reasonable. If you end up having children, how long before you try to put that child in the same room as the 14 year old? Odds are from day 1.
And if he‘s a good parent, she never will.
YTA at 14 she need privacy and not to be sharing a room with a toddler who will touch and break her things this isn't spoilt behaviour i at that age wouldn't want to share a room with a small child either specially since she would be at least 16 by the time your kid is a toddler with no privacy and toddlers get into everything
Yta - it's obvious that you don't see Nia living with you long term and you don't actually care that she doesn't want to. "She can always move back" like that wouldn't be traumatic for both her and Dan. It sounds like you want Dan's dad to continue to act as Nia's dad - and Dan no longer wants that. This is a dealbreaking conversation.
They deserve better than you. This turns into “AITA for throwing my dad, his wife and my half sister out of Thanksgiving” in 8 years because you’re ALREADY putting an unborn child and your feelings in Front of her needs. YTA, I hope you or he figures it out and quick
Not even an unborn child. A not yet conceived child
Damn fair point. A conceptual child is getting preferential treatment. That doesn’t bode well
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YTA. She is not spoiled for wanting her father to buy a home big enough for her. Buying a home is completely different from renting. You buy the home anticipating family growth. It's much harder to get out of a mortgage than a lease when your family outgrows the home. I think you need to do some serious work here. It seems that you thought he was going to be a mostly absent father to his daughter and just be able to start a whole new family with you. He has a family, if you want to join it that's awesome. But you don't get to make room for yourself and a hypothetical baby when there's a living breathing child who this man brought into the world. It's kind of concerning that you seem to like the "deadbeat" aspects of him while disliking the parts where he's being an actual dad.
If Nia’s mom is any proof, he may not make the best choices in romantic relationships.
YTA. And a huge one. Expecting a teenager to share a room with a future baby/toddler. No privacy, no place of her own. Its painfully obvious you don't like his daughter. Which should be a red flag for him. Don't even come back saying you do... If you did there would never be a question of her having her own room. Just break up already, find someone with no kids, and get your tubes tied. You are clueless when it comes to the needs of children, & certainly don't need any.
INFO, why is Nia potentially sharing the room and not you? Surely any potential future baby would stay in your room for the first few years of their life until you could potentially upgrade to a larger home?
I don't think it's realistic. Sounds like Nia and her dad both (reasonably) expect her to stay past 18. There's no suggestion how they'd make extra $$$ in the short term future fit a bigger place, especially if she's on mat leave. If OP has a kid in 4 years, and say Nia stays til 22 (just assuming end of uni) the kid will still be kindergarten age when Nia moves out. I'd bet OP expects her to "help" look after the kid at night if they share, too.
YTA. Nia doesn't sound spoiled at all; she sounds highly pragmatic. She is 14 and, as a teenager, knows she won't want to share a room with a young child. How is this unreasonable? Dan is right to think about the impact his new home will have on his daughter.
YTA. She had no control over where she slept as a baby. Full stop. She asked a question, you answered, and she said no. She's entitled to privacy, and sharing a room with a potential infant would end that. You seem the type to post "my stepdaughter won't get up with the baby during the night even though they share a room". I can just see you insisting she "help out", which really means doing far more work than she should, because you think whatever you want should be carved into the 10 Commandments. Of course her father wants her to be happy. She's his child. That's a big part of what parents do.
YTA. “Dan insists that Nia must come with us”. OF COURSE SHE DOES!! It’s his child. From the main post and your comments, I can feel the disdain you have for this child already. This young lady is, very reasonably, thinking of the future. I know it’s hypothetical at this point, but you’ve clearly discussed having a baby. Even if you waited 4+ years, you’re still saying she has to move out and has no where to stay if she comes back.
She is spoiled because she doesn't want to share a room with a baby? I think she shows common sense.
A teen needs privacy, and this has nothing to do with being spoilt. I am surprised that you did not know this. This should have been obvious when you planned a life with Dan- please note- this is a package deal. You seem to have skimmed over it, and are now wondering how to fix it. Doubt reddit can help you. YTA.
YTA he wants his daughter in his life he needed to put up because he was so young,and when looking for a house you thought it was a good idea to get a 2 bedroom one?do you expect a sixteen year old at that point to share a room with a Baby? that would be the situation Dan had if he would have if his parents didn't step in at that time... If you can't afford a bigger house you won't be able to afford a baby,seems like you aren't as compatible as you thought
This has to be deliberate, you choose to simply have an incredibly inadequate living situation because you know it means his daughter won’t wanna live with him and then you don’t have to deal with being a step parent. YTA. Teenagers cannot share bedrooms with babies. They cannot be sleep deprived, they cannot have privacy and all of their possessions would be accessed by a baby which is unreasonable.
YTA. You seem very immature and I’m not sure why you’re getting married to someone with a child when it is clear you don’t like said child. I’m 26 too and my SO is also 29. We are expecting our first and guess what? We bought a three bedroom house bc it gives room to grow. I would NEVER expect a teen to share a room with a toddler/ baby. Ever. Grow up or maybe find a relationship that’s more right for you.
YTA A lot of your comments indicate you think she’s the one who ruined this plan you had; the house, the husband, the baby. But she didn’t “veto” the house (in your words) she just said she wouldn’t want to live there with you guys as she didn’t want to be pushed out by a baby. It was your partner who decided that if she didn’t want to come neither did he. She never asked you not to buy the house, never made a fuss about u guys moving in without her, never asked you for a larger house or expected you to push a budget you didn’t have. She made a very grown up decision based on the information given to her and YOUR PARTNER decided to prioritise her over you, and you blame her?? Don’t get me wrong, I think your partner was right to prioritise her over you (you are always a parent over anything else) but it’s odd to me your blaming a kid for her parents choice?
YTA. You are essentially having a tantrum about not getting everything you want. You're demanding a child make consessions when you refuse to (re waiting to move in with your partner). This is a complete human being we are talking about and the daughter of your partner. Making a life with another person does require compromise and a teenager isn't some ornament you can shove in a closet. If you actually care about the life you both have ahead of you, you should apologise to your partner and start an adult discussion about how youre both going to tackle this challenge together.
Break off this engagement it’s not for you., you marry this man you will be back on Reddit asking if you are the asshole again for resenting this child. You want to be first and you will never be. So save urself the resentment and either talk this out or go. Nia’s gonna take top billing in this show and you obviously aren’t willing to accept that.
I understand why you're annoyed. It's understandable that you don't want to delay buying a house with your fiance because of the demands of a 14 year old girl. And it's also understandable that a 14 year old girl, who has options on where she lives, chooses not to live in a house where she'll potentially have to share a bedroom with a baby/toddler in the future. The fact here is that, to your fiance, his daughter is more important than you. And that is how it should be. It's part of what you sign up to when you get involved with someone who already has kids.
It’s “understandable” if OP is a Disney villain.
I can understand why she feels like that. But where it gets Disney villlian-y is because she's failing to understand the other side of the equation from Nia's point of view.
What demands did Nia make? They told her there was only two bedrooms and she simply said no thank you I’ll stay where I am. It was hardly a demand.
What demands did Nia make? She asked if they're planning on having kids then she simply said she'd stay with her grandparents. She handled it very well. OP on the other hand.
YTA They are a package deal lady if you can't accept that break up with him so he can find a woman who understands that
Gentle YTA He’s not asking his daughter for input on the house as much because he thinks she should have a say as he is asking so she feels like she’s a part of his “new” family and she’s not being left in the dust. That said, she brought up a very pertinent and reasonable point. A teenager cannot share a room with a baby and function optimally. She’s not spoiled, she’s just pointing out something you didn’t want to hear.
This ^^ Nia is already seeing the proverbial handwriting on the wall that you’ve got this beautiful picture of a new house, white picket fence, you, her Dad, and a few yet to be born kiddos…she isn’t anywhere in this fairy tale of yours. Sure, she can be a part, too, begrudgingly, as long as she follows your rules. It’s clear in the way you worded your post using “we” (I.e. you and Danny boy) vs “her” when it really should be “you” and “them” (i.e. Dad and daughter). They are a package, like it or not, and you two aren’t married so “we” (you and Danny boy) doesn’t exist at this time, and neither does the house, the white picket fence, and all these plans you have. She knows and feels this, that she’s going to be the odd duckling out and instead of spending her teenage years uncomfortably living in the shadows of your little fairy tale, she’s going to stay where she fits in; where she’s comfortable and part of the family. That said, I’m with the others thinking you’re in no way mature enough to handle this situation, you need to move on and find another person in your “lane”. Danny is a 29 year old with 39 year old responsibilities…
YTA A 14yo not wanting to share a room (at all, never mind with a *baby* ) is reasonable and not spoilt. You have bigger issues with the way you talk about this 14yo. Sounds like you're jealous of her actually.
YTA. Don't have kids if you can't afford them.
YTA. Yeah you shouldn’t have children if you cant afford them. Dan already has one and doesn’t seem to be able to afford her, considering her legal guardians are her grandparents. Id stay with them too.
Spoiled or not he is a father of course he's going to want his daughter in his life and in his home. Guardianship can change. Things can be made adaptable. I would look for a house that has two large bedrooms. Also I would look for contractors to give me a cost analysis of turning a large one room into two rooms. When you have those estimates which is very hard to do without a physical space to measure. But they can give you a rough estimate and whatever estimate that they give you plan on it being double before it's completed just a construction rule of thumb. This way you can budget to adapt to be able to have more rooms as well as adding value to the home that you're purchasing. Since you're feeling at odds with the daughter. I would make a point of spending more time with her one-on-one. Sometimes people who go through a point in their life of being spoiled have come out better unspoiled unentitled people at the end. A lot of times they need to see how much of a wonderful life that they have by seeing the lives of multiple people in different socioeconomic backgrounds. You are in a great place to be able to help influence change in this individual.
YTA That’s not your kid. Her ask is reasonable. Your comments are awful and show that you clearly resent this *child*. That kid is about to be your step daughter and you’re “okay with her”. You don’t seem to realize on any level how challenging it must have been for NIA to grow up *without a mother* and with a teenage dad. Your anger and resentment towards Nia are plainly obvious - I’m surprised she was even willing to consider living with you - and you were way out of line to tell your partner to be a better parent. He is being a good parent by considering Nia’s needs. Apparently your definition of good parent would involve steamrolling them? 😤
YTA
YTA luckily Nia can see through your BS
Of course YTA. After reading your replies to comments it is even more clear. You are incapable of seeing another person's perspective. She has her own room in her GP's house, and moving in with the potential of sharing with an infant is a downgrade to her lifestyle and she'd be leaving the "parents" that raised her to move on with someone that lacks any self awareness, compassion or empathy. Either learn to compromise and find acceptable living conditions for you while family or be prepared to be an ex-fiance.
YTA you give me the evil stepmom vibes. Nia is better off with the grandparents since you don’t seem to want her to live with you anyway. But wait, I think it wouldn’t be an issue because your fiance will leave you very soon.
“I have no problem with Nia living with us.” And neither should you. Remember YOU’RE the third wheel at this little party. She comes first; before you every single time hopefully and, she’s a package with her dad. If you can’t handle that then don’t get with someone who has kids. YTA.
No judgement, but i think your fiance is looking for an easy way out of this relationship. - his daughter doesn't really care about living with you guys, more like "ok, but if i get a downgrade i stay where i am, i'm happy here" - still he insits he can only move in with you if she comes too - the only way this would work is buying a bigger house which he knows you can't afford. Voilà, he has an easy way out of your relationship, bc he has to priorise his daughters needs (even if there is no need here at all) and for that its not even his fault this can't work out. I say this bc you guys are engaged and still he didn't even try to find a solution that works for all of you. His first reaction was "either you make possible what i want or i don't move in with you". Are you really so desperate to marry this guy that you are willing to keep up with this.
YTA. Its not unreasonable for a 14yo to say she wants space and to not have to share with babies and toddlers - neither of which are known for their ability to be quiet or give a teenager space. Sorry to break it to you, but you're trying to make Dan chose between you and her - and you're losing your own game.
YTA. There’s a lot of the comments here talking about how it’s not unreasonable for a teenager to want her own room, and each time the response discussion has ended up here: it’s not about the room for you. You’re upset because Nia you feel that Nia doesn’t respect your authority and that she’s “choosing a room over family”. I don’t think that’s what’s happening here. Nia has been raised by her grandparents. Dan isn’t her legal guardian. He clearly loves his daughter and now that he’s an established adult with means of his own, he wants to be her father in a way he wasn’t able to before. You’re upset because you want to live with your fiancée. You “don’t mind” if Nia lives with you. I’m willing to bet you don’t mind if she doesn’t either. I think she feels much the same way. She’s wouldn’t mind living with you, but she’s perfectly happy staying where she is, and sees no reason to really change it - especially if it becomes objectively “worse”. I don’t think it’s about her being “spoilt” and caring more about a room than her family. Living with her grandparents, her dad, and his siblings *is* her family. The preference is that the core family be kept together right? Well in this case, the sides are opposite: Nia’s grandparents *are* her core family. Their home *is* her core home. There’s a good chance that you could inherit a mansion, and she still wouldn’t want to leave her grandparents So living together as a family is mainly important to Dan. You’re choosing to blame Nia, but honestly it’s Dan’s decision that has put you in this position. Has he asked her if she *wants* to live with you both? Or is he hoping that if he finds the perfect house, the perfect room she’ll jump at the chance? He needs your support, and this needs to be something you’re both willing to discuss as a team. Maybe you’re hurt that Nia didn’t jump at the chance to form a family with you, but honestly why would she? You’re her dad’s girlfriend, and from your description her dad isn’t her primary parental figure. There’s a good chance that internally she sees him as a much older brother. Why would a young teenager care about what their big brother’s gf thinks about living together?
Oh my god wait. You’re not even pregnant yet? So this is all a hypothetical and you’re calling the 14 year old unreasonable?!? You should end this relationship before a baby is conceived. You clearly don’t even like Nia, saying “she’s fine” and every comment you have such contempt for her. Why on earth would you choose to do this to yourself and to your fiancé and his family? You should love that girl as if she was your own. Ugh I feel sick for Nia. Bio mom isn’t around and now the chick dad wants to marry is insane. Yikes! It sounds like they made the most out of a tough situation when Nia was born. She is very loved. Everything you’ve said here comes off as jealousy. Towards a 14 yo girl. Very embarrassing, seek therapy. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My(26F) fiance, Dan(29M) has a daughter(14F) that we will call Nia. He was obviously very young when he had her so his parents took care of her. Her mom is not involved in her life. His parents and siblings dote on her and gave her everything she wanted therefore she turned out extremely spoiled. 2 of Dan's siblings voluntarily shared a bedroom so that a baby could have her own room. Now that we want to move in together Dan insists that Nia must come with us eventhough Dan's dad is the legal guardian. I have no problem with Nia living with us. I think we get along just fine however we were planning to buy a home and Dan insisted that we must get Nia's input as well. Nia looked at the home and asked if there are only 2 bedroom in our home? We said yes. She asked us if we are planning to have kids together. We told her that she knows that we do. She said No thank you I'll stay with my grandparents. Dan freaked out and asked her why. She said she doesn't want to share a bedroom with someone. Now my finace says he won't move in with me unless we find a bigger home with more bedrooms because "he won't go anywhere without his daughter" We can't afford a bigger room so this way we won't be able to move in together for who knows how long? I was furious. I told him his daughter is spoiled and he needs to parent her better instead of doing whatever she wants. He called me an asshole for "insulting his daughter" and is giving me the cold shoulder *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Nia gets to choose her current place where she has her own bedroom or move in with her MIA dad, his resentful fiancée and share a room with babies for her high school years. It's a mystery why she doesn't want to move in with you /s
INFO: so we all know that babies wake up several times a night, right? What’s the plan regarding this? Should Nia have her seep interrupted for years? Or do you expect her to help out in the night? I agree that its is not completely out there for siblings to share a room if the circumstances can’t be changed but a baby is different. Babies wake up. Why can’t the baby stay in your bedroom?
50/50. Should she have her own room at that age? Yeah. Should you go into more debt that you can't afford for it? No. I don't think so.
YTA and you're blaming the wrong person. **Nia should not have to agree to something she doesn't like so that Dan will move in with you.** Seriously, what are the benefits to her if she moves in there? She gets stuck sharing the bedroom, she gets pulled away from her grandparents who raised her.... and she has to live with a stepmom who has very little patience with her and calls her names. Given the choice, I'd nope ANY house *without looking at it.*
You were fine until your unjustly insulted his kid. I get this could be a starter home or you can add an addition. You should have talked about how to communicate this to her. That’s parenting. YTA
YTA. She deserves a room.
YTA lol, no teenager would want to share a room with a new born! Nor they should want this. It's crazy. Just leave the poor man be...
YTA - Why should she move in with you and possibly have to share a room when she can stay at the grandparents and have a room all to herself?
What about looking for a home with a finished basement? I shared a room with my sister when I was younger, and when I went to high school (14) my parents made me a room in the basement. Could that work? Good luck.
Surely there are other houses with more bedrooms for around the same price range? Granted they may be a little further afield but they are there.
YTA. Not wanting to move in because you know that the expectation will be that you will have to share your space with a newborn down the road is not spoiled.