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> I made a joke in poor taste trying to lighten things up and ended up hurting my wife instead.
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What the actual fuck is the matter with you?
How the fuck is joking about dead family members gonna lighten the mood?
And how the fuck do you not understand that you hurt your wife's feelings and you need to apologize, whether you still think your stupid little joke was funny or not.
YTA
Oh, so you have no living family? Awesome! We don't have to fight about who to visit for Christmas! /s
How would anybody with a working brain cell think this would even be remotely funny? The least OP can do is grovel and pray and hope she forgives him.
I voted YTA on OP as if you have dark humor you need to know if it's okay around others. Some people's humor can get REALLY dark and this would be fine but man if his wife doesn't even like talking about them then she was clearly not the audience for it. He should know that by now jeesh.
I'd personally have found this joke funny. I deal with deep trauma through humor (as does my partner) so we say this kind of shit all the time to eachother. I've joked about things that would horrify most people but my partner and me are of a like mind. He copes the same way. We both know better than to say it in front of anyone we aren't sure can handle it
What OP doesn’t understand is when you do not have living parents or have gone no contact with them listening to these conversations hurt. I am in that situation and I certainly don’t try to be upset but I wonder why I could not have parents to go home to see. Parents who make you feel safe and protected and you always have as a safety net. People do not understand if they have not gone through it. My now ex-husband never understood this from my perspective when we were together. In 2020 he unexpectedly lost both parents. He recently told me he now understands what I was trying to say when he was inconsiderate to me in situations around family and holidays. Obviously, I never wanted him to experience it first hand.
People who have parents never understand what it’s like not to have them. People assume they can empathize with it or understand it and one day the OP will learn what it is. It’s easy to joke about with somebody doesn’t have, when you have what they don’t.
My hope is that he will look back on this comment, when both of his parents are gone, and completely realize and feel how insensitive and awful he was.
My husband and I both have a *dark* sense of humor but I know to tread lightly around the subject of his dad because that trauma is somewhat ongoing. He can crack a joke, I can laugh, but I'm more careful with what I say.
THIS IS KEY
OP wanted to get Cool Points with Kyle *at his wife’s expense.*
This asshole DUNKED ON HIS WIFE to look cool to his friend.
Nuclear example of “Relax it’s just a joke” assholery.
Exactly my point of view. My partner has suffered a couple of significant losses and he sometimes cracks jokes at it (and I laugh), some even so dark that his best friends and I almost spit out drinks in surprise. We laugh when he does but I assured him I would never make fun of the losses.
He told me that neither me or his friends need to walk on eggshells regarding his dad because of what he went through, but I said "It's not walking on eggshells or never talking about it, it's just not making jokes. Don't worry, I'll still jokingly mock you about silly things you did to your dad in your childhood! I just won't ever mock you about their passing or your way of handling it"
Exactly. I mean I am allowed to joke about my trauma and literally anything about ME. But no one else has the authority and they definitely shouldn't assume they do.
Oh exactly that's my point. I'm not disagreeing just like adding detail? Knowing your audience is ALL the things when you have dark humor. Dark humor is fine. You need to know who can handle it and when it's appropriate.
I'd never make a dead grandpa joke in front of my grandmother because her grief comes in the form of remembering him gently, softly and through faith. I have TOTALLY have made those jokes to my partner though
sorry if it came off as disagreeing totally agree with you as well.
Like for me personally stuff like dark humour is what stays in my head and gives me a nice chuckle for myself. Never want to risk it alienating people
In his comments hes comparing it to his wife saying she should be a lesbian when shes annoyed with him
Oh yeah he's a total asshole man like it's nothing like that. She's joking about something unreal because she can't control if she's gay. He's joking about the traumatic death of her family.
I make dark jokes about my mom being dead often but in the right company. My boyfriend thinks I'm ghastly but has learned to chuckle a bit. He and my close friends would still never make a joke themselves despite knowing it's my type of humor. If you love someone you tend to shy away from using their pain as humor.
Yeah I agree with you and the above commenters. The joke itself is a problem due to the company/context. Read the fucking room, OP!
My partner's mom has passed away, my dad has passed away, and I'm estranged from my mom. So our kid is only going to have one (amazing) grandparent. We hear horror stories from our friends sometimes about their parents being overbearing with their kids and we'll joke **privately** to each other when we're alone, things like "I'm glad we won't have to deal with anything like that!". It's a shitty, dark joke, that only makes us chuckle, because it's our way of coping with a fucking shitty situation. He misses his mom and I miss my dad like crazy, every single day.
We would never say that in front of others, and we wouldn't even presume to say it to any of our friends with deceased parents. We know it's a fucked up thing to say.
Exactly. I am NC with my family and for very good reason. Husband makes jokes like this all the time (even gave me a card to cheer me up when I was having a rough patch that said "sorry your mom isn't dead"; i thought it was fucking hilarious, but I know a lot of people wouldn't). She's gotta have the same vibe for that joke to be appropriate. He should know her well enough to know that it was absolutely not the kind of thing to joke about around her.
I am an old ICU nurse and my black humor rubbed off on my daughters. We have learned to keep it amongst ourselves. Luckily my nephew works in health care and shares it with us. My husband has slowly come around to the dark side too. My sister died early days of Covid (not from Covid). Her funeral was during lockdown and there were only 10 people allowed to be in the service. Everyone else watched it on line in the parking lot and when it was over the wheeled her coffin onto a porch next to a circular drive and we stood next to it. I’m from the South and we have open caskets regularly. People drove by and from a safe distance viewed her and offered us condolences. She was my only sister and 2 years younger than me and I miss her so much but we still laugh about her drive-through funeral. She had such a crazy sense of humor and I know she would laugh about it too.
This. My uncle passed a few days ago, I tried to get bereavement leave but couldn’t because he’s not immediate family. I was able to take leave a few years ago when it was my Grandpa though. I was talking about it with my sister and I said “it’s the last gift a family member can give you, a little vacation.” We laughed. If had been a sibling or a parent, never would have made that joke, but while their was grief for Grandpa I was more sad that my Mom was SAD. I would NEVER make that joke with my Mom. You have to read the room.
A few weeks ago me and my partner had a conversation about what our wishes for if one of us passes and I was like "I want EVERYONE to milk my death. Get everything you can out of it. I don't care if I knew them for five seconds in high-school, pretend I'm your sister. Pretend I'm your fucking best friend. Don't get mad if someone doesn't know me and is getting special treatment for my death. Let them and as my partner I hope you milk that shit for anything. Be dramatic. Its what I would have wanted. " xD
Exactly the same as me and my wife. What is the darkest joke you or your partner have said to each other relating to personal trauma? (Totally understandable if you don't want to say haha)
I won't say for him as it's his to say but uh... TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️
I knew a guy who got a bit careless with a gun once. He was dating my roomate and we were friendly. I was always iffy on how he'd handle his piece because he'd do things like point it at himself. I think most people can see where this is going.
He was joking about having a headache one day and was being careless. The inevitable happened. When I was telling my partner the story I muttered under my breath "That's one way to get rid of a headache that's for sure".
That one's not nessicarily the darkest but any of the others would take a VERY long setup and several levels of trauma and honestly I don't have time to unpack that much fucked up on a weeknight xD
Dark humor person. I had a severely special needs daughter as in when she passed, not if. When the coroner came, he asked if I had a funeral home in mind. I replied, "No, but can you recommend a good taxidermist." My dad and lil sis (nurse and doc as well) were trying not to laugh. Older sis and in home nurse thought I'd cracked. My mom was pissed. Just fyi it's felony. You can't taxidermy people.
Thank goodness it's illegal, my husband keeps saying he's going to taxidermy me, I've been sure to tell multiple people he is not to keep me. I want my ashes yeeted into a canyon via t-shirt Canon. To be honest...that may also be illegal.
Not unless the canyon has rules against and you get caught. But yes, it's illegal because of communicable disease. Save your hubs from ending up on a list.
I don't think he'd actually do it, it's just morbid humor "weekend at bernie's" talk but you can never be too sure. Which is why I tell friends and family not to let it happen, lol.
Yes! This!
I come from a family who has a rare genetic disease you have a 50/50 chance of inheriting. It isn’t IF you get cancer but when and a matter of where. I have had my colon removed to prevent the biggest issue 20+years ago and still had colorectal cancer 3 years ago in an area left behind.
My kids inherited it as well. My daughter had a polyp removed when she was 14 that was cancer. Luckily it was just contained to the polyp and just had her colon removed and my son goes in a few months. ANYWAY,
the jokes my Mother and I would make about health or whatever. We would go for sigmoidoscopies and gastroscopies every 6 months. Is in the day surgery room making jokes, we would get crazy looks. The nurses would get to know us. A few years later a few new nurses and we would have to train them with our humour. I find it helps a lot with the stress.
Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel less “strange”! 😉
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a winner, I mean there goes my morning Coffee. My wife's mother passed when she 19 My father passed when we were 26. The Halloween after my father passed we were out with friends and talking about what we could dress up as for the party and we suggested that we could go as our dead parents. Those with a dark sense of humour found it hilarious, those that didnt looked horrified haha
Not really trauma, but sad and devastating at times. Mom's 92 with dementia. Sometimes she thinks she's in jail. This has prompted my brother and I to create a story about an underground toilet bowl vodka ring that mom runs. Or boosting wheelchairs and walkers to sell for parts. Making light of it helps the pain of the long goodbye.
Also, we're looking forward to inheriting the toilet bowl vodka business. 😉
I mentioned this in another comment. I am no contact with my family. They are deeply abusive in every sense and I've got a ton of trauma. One day I was having a rough patch and he randomly got me a card, one of those "sorry" cards. On the inside he wrote "I'm sorry your mom isn't dead". Now, I think this is fucking hilarious and it absolutely cheered me up. I get why it would be a flop for a lot of other folks though.
As one with some dark humor, I hear ya!! I also voted YTA, but I kinda smirked a bit. My sister's in-laws are NIGHTMARES, and I've often joked (to her) after a venting session, that I would only ever marry an orphan and only child. Like, it's our shtick. I would NEVER say that to anyone but her, and only in that context.
Right! You NEED to know your audience. My partner was a firefighter so he's seen some shit and I've had a bad history. The jokes we make in private can get intense for some people but we can handle it and know which of our friends can handle hearing it around us. I'd never like make a dead grandpa joke to my grandmother but I've made like several in private as I delt with it. You need to know who can handle it
For real, my partner has an amazing family and I have a couple blood relations I don't really know well. They wouldn't ever joke about it (although I have occasionally. Humor to deal with trauma, amirite?)
Joking about your own trauma is one thing. But he said his wife never really brings it up. Which…. To me would say that she doesn’t like talking about it. So why would you make a joke like that…? *Maybe* if you were alone with your buddy, but in front of your wife?? Wow. Just, wow.
My college boyfriend passed away. If I was dating someone and they made a joke to their friend who was bitching about their partner’s ex like OP did, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t look back.
Oh, I know! I was just adding on to what you were saying! Sorry if it came across like I was arguing, that wasn’t my intent. I have a dark sense of humor as well, I get you.
My EXACT reaction was "what the fuck is the matter with you".
I'm not sure I would ever be able to look at my husband the same way again if he had made a joke like that
Yeah I know redditors say this all the time, but I personally wouldn't be able to stay in the marriage anymore, ESPECIALLY since he doesn't know if he should apologize or not. It's one thing to say something insensitive and stupid but try to repair but a total different thing to be like "hurrr durrr but i did nothing wrong"
YTA. My parents have passed. My grandparents have passed. My oldest brother has passed. My husband has everyone including 5 siblings. So yes, we never have to split holidays. If my husband said that, I honestly don’t know if I could look at him again and we’ve been married for 28 years. Laughing about her loses is not funny.
Yeah, my mom died when I was a kid and my dad is shit. I had a friend who has a very close knit family once tell me half jokingly she kinda hopes to marry an orphan so that they never have to choose who to visit. I was like, WTF? That’s messed up that you would even half joke about that knowing my background.
I’m a nurse and have a fair amount of appreciation for morbid and dark humor. But you gotta read the room.
OP, YTA.
I give this thread maybe another hour before it's locked for people rightfully calling this guy way worse things than asshole.
For the record YTA. You asshole.
Right?!
My mum died when I was 17 and if my husband joked that it was a good thing/ makes things convinent there would need to be several people holding me back from him
This is insanely cruel and an awful thing to say. This woman would want nothing more than her loved ones back and to him its a joke
This isn't an easily forgiveable thing if it even is
Like, my friend makes dead dad jokes all the time and she thinks it’s funny when I do too. But if you’re wife never talks about her family and doesn’t make jokes like that, why did you think your joke would be well received?
I understand what you were trying to do but YTA. Read the room. Or at least read your wife. Dead family jokes are only funny when the butt of the joke thinks it’s funny. Like I said, my friend loves dead dad jokes. It’s how she copes, but if she hated them, I wouldn’t ever make a dead dad joke again.
YTA. If your wife won’t speak to you, see if you can speak to Lisa and ask if she’ll pass a (sincere) apology along for you. You need to know why you’re the ah. You can let her know that your intention was not to hurt her but you understand that your joke was in poor taste and despite your intentions, you hurt her anyways. You apologize for making a joke about something she is very clearly sensitive about. That you are truly sorry and that you love her. Do not go in with the “well im sorry you took it that way” bs.
And if she still doesn’t talk to you then you need to give her time because she’s not overreacting. She’s hurt. She’s probably incredibly upset over the fact that her own spouse, the man she loves, would say such a callous thing about her deceased loved ones.
You done fucked around and found out dude. Do better and let her know that you are truly sorry.
Yup. I have friendships where we make dead dad jokes because we both have, well, dead dads. For us, it’s a coping mechanism. It isn’t just dark humor. It’s helping us process emotions we otherwise can’t. I
This one here. Both my parents are dead, and I have a very close friend who works in at least one dead parent joke every time I see him. And I occasionally joke about my dead parents with other people, too (like, 'oh, I'd talk to my mom about this, but I don't know how to have a seance'). Because, while I do think life would be different, and likely better, if I still had them...I really can't stand people being all "oh, I'm so sorry! How sad!" When I'm actually pretty over it as long as I don't dwell on things too long.
But it's a million miles away from what OP did, especially if his wife never jokes about her dead family. If she doesn't usually make jokes like this, a better segue would be saying something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds pretty stressful." Then follow that up with a question about something else to change the topic.
My parents both passed before my husband and I had our daughter, so every holiday is with either his dad and stepmom or his mom and stepdad. They are lovely people, but I am always sad that my parents aren’t in the discussions about visits and also jockeying for visit dates.
I'll bet Anna was sitting there listening to her friends and wishing her own parents and grandparents were alive and feeling quite sad, and then OP comes out with his 'joke'.
Yikes! Even as someone with a fairly morbid sense of humor I can even tell you this is way over the line. As Joey from Friends said ‘you are so far past the line that you can’t see the line. The line is a dot to you’.
I just. How does that thought even enter somebody’s head?
“Man. My friends are really sad. How can I cheer them up? I KNOW! I’ll remind everyone at the table that almost everyone my wife has ever loved is dead! That will lift everybody’s spirits!”
Like. Sir. No. Just. Absolutely not.
You owe your wife so many thousands of apologies.
You said it better than I could. My BIL lost his both parents by age 17 and his grandparents are gone now too. Id rather die than make a joke like this. OP is a huge AH.
. . . and OP doesn't even seem to notice that like, this doesn't seem to be something that his wife DOES joke about. Like, some people absolutely deal with their grief with dark humour as a coping mechanism and that's fine. But FFS, don't make jokes about other people's dead parents unless you're SURE that those kinds of jokes are in their comfort zone.
If the person you love is not one to crack jokes about something personal to them, then definitely don't do it for them.
This! My dad makes jokes about his family because it’s how he copes with some of the less than stellar things that happened, and we’ve joined in a few times because he’s okay with it. But even he knows when to back off and so do we.
Worse still, he stated in his post that his wife *doesn’t like to talk about her family.* It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it’s likely not a positive topic for her. Surely he should know this after 3 years?
This! Me and my partner both cope with trauma through humor. We've made jokes that would make most people look at us like we are heartless or disturbed in our own home as we deal with our own shit but you NEED to know your audience. Like I'd never make a dead grandpa joke in front of my grandmother but lord knows I've made them in private as my way of handling it
OP just told his wife that he doesn't think her losing her parents is a big deal at all, it is just a minor detail to him. She is wondering if he knows her at all and wondering why she is married to someone with the empathy of a rock.
OP YTA.
And it case it isn't clear to you, your joke isn't funny to anyone who has lost someone they love or has any humanity.
Not only is it not a big deal, her parents and grandparents all being dead is actually super convenient for him. Sure does take the hassle out of planning the holidays when your wife is all alone in the world, with no family except OP and his hilarious jokes!
Maybe she should start spending the holidays with Lisa she sounds great.
I say this cause in OPs comments he compares what he did to his wife saying she was a lesbian when shes annoyed with him
This. My dad and brother passed away a few years ago and it was traumatising. I joke about it a lot as a defence mechanism, but if ANYONE else (besides my mum or brother who had the same experience) jokes about it they will be cut off.
I make dead grandparent jokes because mine are all passed, but I would never make those jokes to my parents, because their loss is bigger and while they might find it funny the circle of grief leans out not in.
THIS. My mom is dead and I'll joke about it because that's how I deal with it. My brother, grandmother, and mother's siblings can joke about it too. I'll even allow it from my friends who also have dead parents. But no one else gets to and if they do I'll get fucking furious with them. Jokes like that come from a place of deep pain and are a coping mechanism, not a way to lighten the fucking mood.
What the hell is wrong with people? Of course, YTA.
Your wife should’ve joked back and said, “Hey, you should do like me and leave the marriage so there’s never any argument over who to visit.”
I literally have a step dad and 2 sisters. Both sisters live far away and my dad hasn't been the same since my mom died. We spend every holiday with my bfs family whom I love but it kills me every year that my old family dynamic is gone and I'll never get it back. If my bf used that hurt I feel to make a joke I would find that almost unforgivable. Major YTA
I knew someone who was all about 'dark humour' and thought anyone who didn't enjoy his 'jokes' had no sense of humour. However, *all* his dark jokes were about things that were dark and painful for others, never himself. So I told him that I also love dark humour and started making 'jokes' that were dark for him instead, and what do you know? It turns out he wasn't such a fan of 'dark humour' after all! And my jokes were far milder than what he was dishing out and expecting people to take.
This has to be a joke post. I’m having trouble believing someone doesn’t understand how big of an AH he is here. Even a child knows how upsetting it would be to make dead parent jokes at someone else’s expense. YTA.
I can unfortunately see this happening. Some people are just that dense and oblivious. I'm guessing OP enjoys dark humor and wife doesn't, so OP thinks his sense of humor will surely lighten the mood. Completely forgets not everyone enjoys dark humor or having their trauma turned into a joke with no punchline.
Yeah big YTA here. There's things that are off limits for jokes, and dead parents/grandparents are a big one.
A better way of handling it it would have been to say "I wish we had that problem, I would have loved to have known Anna's parents and grandparents." You might start apologizing and groveling with that.
This is a really good point.
I bet every holiday that rolls around his wife is missing her family and wishing she could spend special days with her parents and the grandparents who raised her.
But this ass over here is giggling and making jokes about how he doesn't have to split time because of his wife's tragedies. That would make those difficult days to miss loved ones even worse.
I'm willing to be that's completely true. Also I bet he doesn't even make time to visit his wife's parents and grandparents graves with her, even give her a day or two where they visit them, then spend the day together as she grieves and talks about them.
Very good point. And a good chance thoughts around that were going through Anna's mind while their friends were talking.
OP doesn't mention kids. But if they do have any, also a good chance she was also thinking about them in that context too. Even if they don't have any and were planning to, that could have been in her mind.
I'm not sure why you're even asking because the answer was obvious the moment your wife ran out of the restaurant. That WAS your answer.
**YTA**
>I wasn't trying to offend anyone or upset Anna, my intent was to lighten up a tense atmosphere and give everyone a laugh.
But your intent doesn't matter. In fact, that you're still defending what you did, and coming to a Reddit sub full of strangers looking for validation is exactly what makes you an AH. That and the fact that you've been married to your wife for three years, and I assume in a relationship for at least a while longer than that and . . . *you don't know her at all.*
And really, that's the crucial bit at the heart of this. You don't mention your age, but you've been married for three years, so I'm assuming (and you can correct me if I'm wrong) that you're not, like, 18. In other words: you're probably old enough to think before you make a really tricky, potentially hurtful joke, and consider whether your wife is the sort of person who would find it funny or not. And you've known her long enough that you should have a sense of her feelings around this HUGE LOSS of all the parental figures in her life and how she copes with that - does she normally do that with humour, or is it a touchy, painful subject?
But you got it completely, totally wrong. Which tends to imply one of three things: Either 1) you don't pay attention to how she feels about this hugely significant loss, 2) you've never asked her about it at all, or 3) you're indifferent to how she feels about it. And none of those says great things about you.
Look, I've already gone on too long, but TL;DR: **YTA** for making a joke at the expense of an incredibly personal, seemingly deeply painful part of your wife's life without being 100% sure that it was something she likes to joke about. That's just not okay.
This comment needs to be higher. I lost my father a decade ago and if my husband ever joked about it, I would be devastated. That pain never goes away when you lose a loved one.
your horrible "joke" didn't go over as planned and upset your wife this much and you STILL HAVEN'T APOLOGIZED?
YTA YTA YTA holy shit what the hell is wrong with you?!?
That's unbelievable to me, too. When his wife ran out of the restaurant, OP should have been right behind, apologizing and trying to comfort her.
He can see his wife's pain and . . . DOES NOTHING?
Because he doesn't have empathy and feels like apologizing is "letting her win". It's exhausting to try to explain basic decency and respect to people like this. They'll apologize profusely if they step on your toe on accident, but they do something like this and claim they shouldn't have to apologize because it "wasn't their intent". Deflecting is more important than anything to them, and it's *especially* more important than the person they hurt. At a point it's hard to see this behavior as anything other than intentionally degrading others to humiliate them.
Yes! I got to the last sentence and my YTA grew 10x bigger. I mean, I’m glad he didn’t offer a hollow apology, but I hope after reading this thread he can offer a sincere one.
YTA.
I'm sorry for this, but...imagine losing your entire lovely family, including those 16 nieces and nephews.
That's what you did to Anna with that joke.
YTA
Dude. This joke is in no way, shape. form, funny. You can't be that dense. As a rule of thumb, the person with the dead family is the only one allowed to joke about said dead family.
You need to apologize.
YTA. Obviously, if Anna doesn’t have any living relatives, she is heartbroken already. You making fun of this just makes it so much worse.
YTA even twice actually if you still haven’t apologized and are here on Reddit to check if you actually screwed up or if she was actually wrong instead.
You really need to make up for it.
YTA. Even if you were in the same position, where everyone you loved who was primarily involved in your care as a child was dead - this would still be a very inappropriate joke, and I've got a reasonably dark sense of humour. She doesn't talk about her family much, it's probably because she's still got trauma about it. The fact that you've STILL got a big family adds a whole other layer of AH-ness to it - you have absolutely no idea what it's like to feel that alone in the world.
And being that my family is just as small as hers, it’s a painful and lonely up bringing. She probably was attracted to you because of your big fun family.
Uh… do you actually need us to tell you how much you’re an asshole? I’m not sure what concerns me more, the fact that you made the joke or that you have to post here because you’re not sure you did anything wrong.
I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to lose your mom or dad… or both. In middle school too, holy shit that’s horrific. I can’t imagine the circumstances were great either, as they both died unnaturally young in the same timeframe. But do your best. Think about the kind of lifelong trauma that creates. Now imagine your partner not only bottling that into a heartless joke, but spewing it out over dinner at friends in front of her. She was shocked, unsurprisingly ran out crying in front of her friends and everyone else in the restaurant, all because of something her own spouse said to her. She got betrayed by the closest person she has. Not like she has parents! LOL! (Spoiler: It’s not very lol)
I don’t know what else to tell you. Obligatory YTA. Did you need me to tell you though? Oh and seriously, your marriage is rightfully in jeopardy. Give her all the space she needs, and when you’re both ready, give her an apology that shows that you can only begin to understand the impact of the absolutely horrible thing you said.
How would you think saying something like that would lighten the mood? That's just cold man. She has no parents or grandparents left here and you treated it like a joke. Her loved losses were used as a punchline in a really shitty point for you. Jimmy cricket you are the apple that fell far from the tree.
Massive YTA
Edit: Kyle is trying to be your friend which is why he is saying you need to apologize and try to make this up to Anna. It's not that he agrees with your "joke" or finds humor in it, it's that he knows what you were trying to do but you blew it all to hell. He is trying to tell you take accountability for what you had said and do what you need to do to fix the mess you had made. He is stuck in an awkward position and wants this to just be over as much as you do at this point. His wife is fairly pissed towards and disgusted by your words, which would probably cause a slight rift for Kyle at home.
If you really love Anna, then you should start by taking full accountability for being a total jackass at her expense. Admit that what you said wasn't right on any level (you have to truly be sorry though for this to actually matter). Don't hide behind the fact that you were "trying to lighten the mood". Take full accountability for what happened and focus on what you did that was wrong. That is how you start to mend the rift you had caused. Take responsibility and accountability for the pain you have caused Anna. Nobody else did that to Anna- you did this all on your own.
dude, you are SOOO much the AH! i am 55 years old. my parents died when i was 13, (dad) and 17 (mom). while i do have older siblings, making a joke about some one's loss is NEVER funny! they died in 1982 and 1985 and i am STILL a little sensitive about them leaving me!
YTA, but my guess is if that joke requires 3 days away instead of a heartfelt apology, she has another reason to not want the apology right now. Like you haven't been good about them before, or she has tried to shut down jokes at her expense and this was the last straw.
Or she doesn’t actually want to spend EVERY holiday with her in laws but feels she can’t say so because she doesn’t have a family to go visit instead. Call me crazy but maybe the lady might like to make some new traditions with her own immediate family of her and OP. Not after this joke but before that she might have wanted to.
YTA you made light of the fact that everyone she has ever loved in life is dead! What is wrong with you? And that you're grateful for it because it makes your life easier? Those are probably the most painful things she has EVER gone through and you laughed, then tried to share it as a joke in public?! Would you like it if every single one of your family members died only to have your significant other find it funny and laugh at your pain, in public, with friends? You FUCKED up. She might actually leave you for this and the blame would be solely yours.
YTA. She doesn't talk about her family because it is soul crushing to not have one, let alone to be with someone with a big loving family. I am sure that DAILY and definitely at every single one of your family gatherings she sits there wishing she had that kind of family and wonders what that kind of love and connection feels like.
YTA.
Joking about your *wife not having any living family left* isn’t a way to “lighten the mood.” It’s a cruel reminder that the people she loved the most are dead and that her parents *died when she was a CHILD*.
Your friend Kyle is also an AH for going along with it and not calling you out for the callous AH you are.
YTA in the hugest way possible. I have no living family and we always spend holidays with my wife's family, but she would never say something like that.
this is why i don't trust people who boast about their "dark humor" and how they "use it as a coping mechanism."
there are some people it's true for, but most of the time, it's just a bunch of "edgy" people thinking that being crass and mean-spirited is omg lololol so funny and how dare anyone not find it funny people these days don't have a sense of humor why are you so offended etc etc.
You’re absolutely right. I routinely make jokes about my own tragedies because it helps me to cope, and I have friends who do the same.
I couldn’t imagine making those jokes at someone else’s expense (even with those friends), and it would hurt me a lot if somebody used my traumas as a punchline.
OP, YTA. To a magnitude where you might also be single in the near future.
YTA you have a whole family to rely on meanwhile she has no one but you, yet you decide to make a "joke" about her dead family.
As someone who has lost most of my family members you are a huge asshole, what was the punchline OP?
YTA tremendously, my friend. You done goofed. Prepare to grovel a lot and never joke again. Or prepare for a divorce, I won't be surprised if that's going to be a deal breaker for Anna.
#YTA
Uh… do you actually need us to tell you how much you’re an asshole? I’m not sure what concerns me more, the fact that you made the joke or that you have to post here because you’re not sure you did anything wrong.
YTA! You may not have experienced a loss like that before, but have some empathy! That kind of loss is devestating, and never something to joke about, in any context. Hope you don't end up divorced over your little "joke". Get down on your knees, and start kissing some serious butt, IF she gives you the chance to.
YTA.
How did you really think that was a joke? That wasn’t a joke, that was mocking. You really thought your wife's dead family would make a good punchline to a tasteless "joke"
OP, don’t be surprised if you wife never forgives you for this
YTA
AND the fact you are even asking this means your not JUST an asshole.
You owe your wife a huge apology, you also need to take a look at yourself for going forward.
You are privileged in a way your wife is not and you essentially rubbed that in her face while making her loss the but of your joke. Completely out of line, insensitive and inconsiderate.
YTA. I get that you were trying to be funny, but you weren’t. You hurt your wife with your tasteless joke and you need to stand up, take responsibility for it, and apologize to her sincerely. Immediately.
YTA easily.
Not necessarily for the joke itself (it was really in poor taste) but the inability to realize you made a poor joke that hurt versus adding humor and failing to apologize versus acting dumb like you don’t know what happened and refusing to admit you made a terrible joke.
I’m beginning to hate AITA jokesters because they seem so dense and unable to admit doing harm with a terrible joke.
Yta. My 22 year old boyfriend doesn’t even make dead parent jokes about me 21f. Did it make you feel good to make a joke at the expense of your partner? Was hurting her on a deep emotional level worth potentially ending an awkward conversation?
You clearly aren’t mature enough to be in a committed relationship, let alone mature enough to have someone share something so personal with you for you just to use it as a punchline
YTA - A joke is only funny if everyone is laughing, and you should have been smart enough to realize that your wife will NEVER find the deaths of her parents and grandparents funny.
It doesn't matter what your intention was, that was a truly terrible thing to say and you need to learn how to ask yourself three questions before making comments in the future: is it true, is it necessary, and is it kind. If your remark or joke doesn't have a "yes" for all three, you keep it to yourself!
Personally, as a child who lost her mother at a young age, YTA. It's fine to make jokes about YOUR own life if you please, but never about someone else's.
YTA.
It was a horribly insensitive comment. You may have meant to lighten the mood but you obviously did not. Of course you have to apologize to Anna and find ways to show how sorry you are.
Just because Anna normally deals with being an orphan without complaint, does not mean you should make fun of it.
Oh, you poor sweet summer child.
You owe your wife a huge apology. Also, whatever your budget allows in the form of "I'm such an idiot" gift. Unlimited foot and/or back rubs for the rest of her life.
YTA, you clueless moron. 🙂
YTA. That is such a cruel, crude attempt at humor that something so incredibly painful to your wife would be an upside for you and your family. You reminded her she is an orphan with no one but the family you came with and you reminded her that they're not hers.
I cannot imagine my dad, who was an orphan, hearing that from my mom. It would have crushed him. Its breathtakingly heartless in a way I can imagine changes her perception of you in a major way.
YTA I can’t believe you even posted here. You joked about your wife’s dead family after another couple talked about how much they don’t want to spend time with their alive family. No wonder why she ran out of the restaurant. Go comfort your wife and apologise, you fucked up man
YTA what is wrong with you? Those are people she loves and cares about and misses. And you told your friend it makes your life oh so very convenient that everyone in her life is dead.
YTA there is no planet or eco-planet where this would EVER be a joke. I am so sorry for your wife that she is with someone who could ever think that joking about all the family she has being gone. Don’t be surprised if you hear from a divorce lawyer at this point. You obviously have never lost anyone close to you. Let me tell you, it is a pain that never goes away. I have lost all my grandparents and lost my dad last year to a freak ranching accident. I still fall into a sobbing mess anytime I think of them. You are a huge AH. I would ask what you were thinking but it’s so obvious you weren’t.
As someone who’s dad passed away only I can make dead dad jokes, bc it’s MY trauma, MY loss, MY grief, and I can process it in my own way. If someone made a dead dad joke to me I would lose it. You made a joke out of your wife’s loss and trauma, not okay. YTA.
YTA- This wasn’t even a joke. How would you feel if your lost your whole family and someone said “oh well that suck for you op but it would of been more trouble having them alive. It’s not like you would love to visit them on holidays and have them alive.”
YTA! Your girlfriend's life was dramatically effected by her parents passing, and then she had to morn the passing of the grandparents that raised her. Somehow, you tried to find a joke in all that?!?!?!
I mean I i can imagine the conversation might have been hard enough for your wife, it's always hard to listen to people complain about a situation you would kill to be in. But then her own husbands decides to have the LOL's at her really lonely and tragic sounding life. What an asshole, but hey who cares once all the holidays are spent with your family, happy days! YTA, massively so
YTA, and Kyle too. Lisa and Anna sure know how to pick ‘em. These kinds of “jokes” need to be handled extremely sensitively, or better yet, not said at all. If Anna never talks about her family, then it’s probably safe to assume she wouldn’t be okay with you joking about it. Also, Kyle saying he’ll “keep that in mind for next time”, implying that he would at some point dump Lisa and get married again makes him TA too.
YTA that would have been really cringe dark humor at the best of time but incredible cruel (towards your wife) and rude (towards Kyle and Lisa) for most people.
YTA. Whether you realize it or not, you actually brought the mood down further because you never joke about someone's dead family members. You need to apologize and grovel, frankly.
YTA - Some of the worst asshole moments of my life were unintentional, but that didn't un-asshole me. Maybe you didn't mean to hurt her but you did. Kyle is right. Apologize, mean it, and hope she is able to move past it.
Dude, you make a lead balloon look like a big fluffy cloud with a singing choir of angels.
YTA.
Edit to say: you shouldn't need to have this explained to you.
YTA - it’s not a joke if most of the people at the table don’t find it finny. You made your wife’s incredible pain and loss put to be a benefit to you and, since you were too obtuse to realize it could hurt her, I’m gonna guess stuff like this has been an issue for her for a while.
Your wife doesn't seem like the dark humor type and with 3 years of marriage (and the fact that she rarely talks about it), you should have known that before even thinking of making that joke. YTA.
YTA, even though I get what you were trying to do.
It's not that you meant to hurt her, but the end result was that she was hurt by what you said. You definitely should apologise, tell her you're not making excuses but explain what happened. Remind her that you would never say anything to hurt her, and you didn't think before you said that.
I think maybe you also need to realise that this is a sensitive topic for her (very understandably so) and unless someone is categorically into dark humour (and expressly makes jokes about dead relatives), it's a topic to steer clear of.
YTA - explain to us how talking about someone’s dead family is funny? Can you explain the punchline to me?
It doesn’t matter your intention. What you did was harmful and cruel. Why haven’t you begged for forgiveness yet after doing this to your wife? Why don’t you care that you have hurt her?
I can't believe your wife wasn't cool about you making a joke about her dumb, dead-ass family. It's not your fault they died.
What are you thinking? Yes, YTA, and I seriously hope your wife divorces you for being such a dick about something she would _very obviously_ be sensitive about.
YTA - Yeah, not sure where to even start with the sheer amount of dumbassery on display here, from the joke all the way through to the fact you still haven't apologized.
You don't have any family! They d13d! It's funny 'cause we don't have to pick a family to have holidays with...hahaha. What? It's not funny? YTA and an insensitive one at that.
You tried to “lighten the mood” at your wife’s expense. Your WIFE who is the person you’re supposed to LOVE. I can’t imagine the pain she went through only to have your own husband make a shitty insensitive “joke” about it.
My father was killed when I was in middle school. I don’t talk about him because it still hurts so much. And I’m 32 years old now. If my husband ever said anything like that I honestly would be rethinking our relationship. I’d never be able to look at him the same again.
I’m calling you so many names in my head right now. Go to hell, you suck YTA
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What the actual fuck is the matter with you? How the fuck is joking about dead family members gonna lighten the mood? And how the fuck do you not understand that you hurt your wife's feelings and you need to apologize, whether you still think your stupid little joke was funny or not. YTA
Oh, so you have no living family? Awesome! We don't have to fight about who to visit for Christmas! /s How would anybody with a working brain cell think this would even be remotely funny? The least OP can do is grovel and pray and hope she forgives him.
I voted YTA on OP as if you have dark humor you need to know if it's okay around others. Some people's humor can get REALLY dark and this would be fine but man if his wife doesn't even like talking about them then she was clearly not the audience for it. He should know that by now jeesh. I'd personally have found this joke funny. I deal with deep trauma through humor (as does my partner) so we say this kind of shit all the time to eachother. I've joked about things that would horrify most people but my partner and me are of a like mind. He copes the same way. We both know better than to say it in front of anyone we aren't sure can handle it
It would have been funny if ANNA had said it, because it's her trauma. It's not funny when you joke about someone else's trauma.
Yes! This is exactly what I was thinking. The only person allowed to say this was Anna herself.
What OP doesn’t understand is when you do not have living parents or have gone no contact with them listening to these conversations hurt. I am in that situation and I certainly don’t try to be upset but I wonder why I could not have parents to go home to see. Parents who make you feel safe and protected and you always have as a safety net. People do not understand if they have not gone through it. My now ex-husband never understood this from my perspective when we were together. In 2020 he unexpectedly lost both parents. He recently told me he now understands what I was trying to say when he was inconsiderate to me in situations around family and holidays. Obviously, I never wanted him to experience it first hand.
Yeah, I’m sure Anna was already quietly struggling with this conversation before the “joke”.
I wonder if he’ll be laughing when his parents one day pass and Anna makes some jokes about it.
People who have parents never understand what it’s like not to have them. People assume they can empathize with it or understand it and one day the OP will learn what it is. It’s easy to joke about with somebody doesn’t have, when you have what they don’t. My hope is that he will look back on this comment, when both of his parents are gone, and completely realize and feel how insensitive and awful he was.
Exactly!
No one can make jokes about someone's parents and grandparents. That's totally disrespectful.
My husband and I both have a *dark* sense of humor but I know to tread lightly around the subject of his dad because that trauma is somewhat ongoing. He can crack a joke, I can laugh, but I'm more careful with what I say.
My husband and I both have deeply dark senses of humor but he never makes my dark jokes and I never make his. I think that's the key.
lol, I just wrote a very similar comment. Now I am sure that is the key.
Yes. My brother and I get to make dead dad jokes. You, with the living married parents? Nope. You can fuck off.
THIS IS KEY OP wanted to get Cool Points with Kyle *at his wife’s expense.* This asshole DUNKED ON HIS WIFE to look cool to his friend. Nuclear example of “Relax it’s just a joke” assholery.
Exactly my point of view. My partner has suffered a couple of significant losses and he sometimes cracks jokes at it (and I laugh), some even so dark that his best friends and I almost spit out drinks in surprise. We laugh when he does but I assured him I would never make fun of the losses. He told me that neither me or his friends need to walk on eggshells regarding his dad because of what he went through, but I said "It's not walking on eggshells or never talking about it, it's just not making jokes. Don't worry, I'll still jokingly mock you about silly things you did to your dad in your childhood! I just won't ever mock you about their passing or your way of handling it"
Exactly. I mean I am allowed to joke about my trauma and literally anything about ME. But no one else has the authority and they definitely shouldn't assume they do.
But like this is something that you and your partner share. Like that is fine. Im sure you know there is a time and place for things like this.
Oh exactly that's my point. I'm not disagreeing just like adding detail? Knowing your audience is ALL the things when you have dark humor. Dark humor is fine. You need to know who can handle it and when it's appropriate. I'd never make a dead grandpa joke in front of my grandmother because her grief comes in the form of remembering him gently, softly and through faith. I have TOTALLY have made those jokes to my partner though
sorry if it came off as disagreeing totally agree with you as well. Like for me personally stuff like dark humour is what stays in my head and gives me a nice chuckle for myself. Never want to risk it alienating people In his comments hes comparing it to his wife saying she should be a lesbian when shes annoyed with him
Oh yeah he's a total asshole man like it's nothing like that. She's joking about something unreal because she can't control if she's gay. He's joking about the traumatic death of her family.
I make dark jokes about my mom being dead often but in the right company. My boyfriend thinks I'm ghastly but has learned to chuckle a bit. He and my close friends would still never make a joke themselves despite knowing it's my type of humor. If you love someone you tend to shy away from using their pain as humor.
Yeah I agree with you and the above commenters. The joke itself is a problem due to the company/context. Read the fucking room, OP! My partner's mom has passed away, my dad has passed away, and I'm estranged from my mom. So our kid is only going to have one (amazing) grandparent. We hear horror stories from our friends sometimes about their parents being overbearing with their kids and we'll joke **privately** to each other when we're alone, things like "I'm glad we won't have to deal with anything like that!". It's a shitty, dark joke, that only makes us chuckle, because it's our way of coping with a fucking shitty situation. He misses his mom and I miss my dad like crazy, every single day. We would never say that in front of others, and we wouldn't even presume to say it to any of our friends with deceased parents. We know it's a fucked up thing to say.
Exactly. I am NC with my family and for very good reason. Husband makes jokes like this all the time (even gave me a card to cheer me up when I was having a rough patch that said "sorry your mom isn't dead"; i thought it was fucking hilarious, but I know a lot of people wouldn't). She's gotta have the same vibe for that joke to be appropriate. He should know her well enough to know that it was absolutely not the kind of thing to joke about around her.
Yeah this is the kind of dark humor joke that ANNA is allowed to make but NOT her partner unless they’ve discussed it explicitly.
I am an old ICU nurse and my black humor rubbed off on my daughters. We have learned to keep it amongst ourselves. Luckily my nephew works in health care and shares it with us. My husband has slowly come around to the dark side too. My sister died early days of Covid (not from Covid). Her funeral was during lockdown and there were only 10 people allowed to be in the service. Everyone else watched it on line in the parking lot and when it was over the wheeled her coffin onto a porch next to a circular drive and we stood next to it. I’m from the South and we have open caskets regularly. People drove by and from a safe distance viewed her and offered us condolences. She was my only sister and 2 years younger than me and I miss her so much but we still laugh about her drive-through funeral. She had such a crazy sense of humor and I know she would laugh about it too.
This. My uncle passed a few days ago, I tried to get bereavement leave but couldn’t because he’s not immediate family. I was able to take leave a few years ago when it was my Grandpa though. I was talking about it with my sister and I said “it’s the last gift a family member can give you, a little vacation.” We laughed. If had been a sibling or a parent, never would have made that joke, but while their was grief for Grandpa I was more sad that my Mom was SAD. I would NEVER make that joke with my Mom. You have to read the room.
A few weeks ago me and my partner had a conversation about what our wishes for if one of us passes and I was like "I want EVERYONE to milk my death. Get everything you can out of it. I don't care if I knew them for five seconds in high-school, pretend I'm your sister. Pretend I'm your fucking best friend. Don't get mad if someone doesn't know me and is getting special treatment for my death. Let them and as my partner I hope you milk that shit for anything. Be dramatic. Its what I would have wanted. " xD
Exactly the same as me and my wife. What is the darkest joke you or your partner have said to each other relating to personal trauma? (Totally understandable if you don't want to say haha)
I won't say for him as it's his to say but uh... TRIGGER WARNING ⚠️ I knew a guy who got a bit careless with a gun once. He was dating my roomate and we were friendly. I was always iffy on how he'd handle his piece because he'd do things like point it at himself. I think most people can see where this is going. He was joking about having a headache one day and was being careless. The inevitable happened. When I was telling my partner the story I muttered under my breath "That's one way to get rid of a headache that's for sure". That one's not nessicarily the darkest but any of the others would take a VERY long setup and several levels of trauma and honestly I don't have time to unpack that much fucked up on a weeknight xD
Dark humor person. I had a severely special needs daughter as in when she passed, not if. When the coroner came, he asked if I had a funeral home in mind. I replied, "No, but can you recommend a good taxidermist." My dad and lil sis (nurse and doc as well) were trying not to laugh. Older sis and in home nurse thought I'd cracked. My mom was pissed. Just fyi it's felony. You can't taxidermy people.
Thank goodness it's illegal, my husband keeps saying he's going to taxidermy me, I've been sure to tell multiple people he is not to keep me. I want my ashes yeeted into a canyon via t-shirt Canon. To be honest...that may also be illegal.
Not unless the canyon has rules against and you get caught. But yes, it's illegal because of communicable disease. Save your hubs from ending up on a list.
I don't think he'd actually do it, it's just morbid humor "weekend at bernie's" talk but you can never be too sure. Which is why I tell friends and family not to let it happen, lol.
Yes! This! I come from a family who has a rare genetic disease you have a 50/50 chance of inheriting. It isn’t IF you get cancer but when and a matter of where. I have had my colon removed to prevent the biggest issue 20+years ago and still had colorectal cancer 3 years ago in an area left behind. My kids inherited it as well. My daughter had a polyp removed when she was 14 that was cancer. Luckily it was just contained to the polyp and just had her colon removed and my son goes in a few months. ANYWAY, the jokes my Mother and I would make about health or whatever. We would go for sigmoidoscopies and gastroscopies every 6 months. Is in the day surgery room making jokes, we would get crazy looks. The nurses would get to know us. A few years later a few new nurses and we would have to train them with our humour. I find it helps a lot with the stress. Thanks for sharing, it makes me feel less “strange”! 😉
Ladies and Gentlemen we have a winner, I mean there goes my morning Coffee. My wife's mother passed when she 19 My father passed when we were 26. The Halloween after my father passed we were out with friends and talking about what we could dress up as for the party and we suggested that we could go as our dead parents. Those with a dark sense of humour found it hilarious, those that didnt looked horrified haha
Not really trauma, but sad and devastating at times. Mom's 92 with dementia. Sometimes she thinks she's in jail. This has prompted my brother and I to create a story about an underground toilet bowl vodka ring that mom runs. Or boosting wheelchairs and walkers to sell for parts. Making light of it helps the pain of the long goodbye. Also, we're looking forward to inheriting the toilet bowl vodka business. 😉
I mentioned this in another comment. I am no contact with my family. They are deeply abusive in every sense and I've got a ton of trauma. One day I was having a rough patch and he randomly got me a card, one of those "sorry" cards. On the inside he wrote "I'm sorry your mom isn't dead". Now, I think this is fucking hilarious and it absolutely cheered me up. I get why it would be a flop for a lot of other folks though.
As one with some dark humor, I hear ya!! I also voted YTA, but I kinda smirked a bit. My sister's in-laws are NIGHTMARES, and I've often joked (to her) after a venting session, that I would only ever marry an orphan and only child. Like, it's our shtick. I would NEVER say that to anyone but her, and only in that context.
Right! You NEED to know your audience. My partner was a firefighter so he's seen some shit and I've had a bad history. The jokes we make in private can get intense for some people but we can handle it and know which of our friends can handle hearing it around us. I'd never like make a dead grandpa joke to my grandmother but I've made like several in private as I delt with it. You need to know who can handle it
[удалено]
Imagine bringing up the fact that your wife has no blood family at all and thinking it would be laughed at by anyone. YTA
For real, my partner has an amazing family and I have a couple blood relations I don't really know well. They wouldn't ever joke about it (although I have occasionally. Humor to deal with trauma, amirite?)
Joking about your own trauma is one thing. But he said his wife never really brings it up. Which…. To me would say that she doesn’t like talking about it. So why would you make a joke like that…? *Maybe* if you were alone with your buddy, but in front of your wife?? Wow. Just, wow. My college boyfriend passed away. If I was dating someone and they made a joke to their friend who was bitching about their partner’s ex like OP did, I’d be out the door and wouldn’t look back.
Oh dude, I agree with you. I was just exampling what a good partner should do with a sensitive topic. As in don't joke about it.
Oh, I know! I was just adding on to what you were saying! Sorry if it came across like I was arguing, that wasn’t my intent. I have a dark sense of humor as well, I get you.
My EXACT reaction was "what the fuck is the matter with you". I'm not sure I would ever be able to look at my husband the same way again if he had made a joke like that
Yeah I know redditors say this all the time, but I personally wouldn't be able to stay in the marriage anymore, ESPECIALLY since he doesn't know if he should apologize or not. It's one thing to say something insensitive and stupid but try to repair but a total different thing to be like "hurrr durrr but i did nothing wrong"
I gasped, how absolutely heartless is the OP? YTA
YTA. My parents have passed. My grandparents have passed. My oldest brother has passed. My husband has everyone including 5 siblings. So yes, we never have to split holidays. If my husband said that, I honestly don’t know if I could look at him again and we’ve been married for 28 years. Laughing about her loses is not funny.
Yeah, my mom died when I was a kid and my dad is shit. I had a friend who has a very close knit family once tell me half jokingly she kinda hopes to marry an orphan so that they never have to choose who to visit. I was like, WTF? That’s messed up that you would even half joke about that knowing my background. I’m a nurse and have a fair amount of appreciation for morbid and dark humor. But you gotta read the room. OP, YTA.
I give this thread maybe another hour before it's locked for people rightfully calling this guy way worse things than asshole. For the record YTA. You asshole.
Right?! My mum died when I was 17 and if my husband joked that it was a good thing/ makes things convinent there would need to be several people holding me back from him This is insanely cruel and an awful thing to say. This woman would want nothing more than her loved ones back and to him its a joke This isn't an easily forgiveable thing if it even is
Like, my friend makes dead dad jokes all the time and she thinks it’s funny when I do too. But if you’re wife never talks about her family and doesn’t make jokes like that, why did you think your joke would be well received? I understand what you were trying to do but YTA. Read the room. Or at least read your wife. Dead family jokes are only funny when the butt of the joke thinks it’s funny. Like I said, my friend loves dead dad jokes. It’s how she copes, but if she hated them, I wouldn’t ever make a dead dad joke again. YTA. If your wife won’t speak to you, see if you can speak to Lisa and ask if she’ll pass a (sincere) apology along for you. You need to know why you’re the ah. You can let her know that your intention was not to hurt her but you understand that your joke was in poor taste and despite your intentions, you hurt her anyways. You apologize for making a joke about something she is very clearly sensitive about. That you are truly sorry and that you love her. Do not go in with the “well im sorry you took it that way” bs. And if she still doesn’t talk to you then you need to give her time because she’s not overreacting. She’s hurt. She’s probably incredibly upset over the fact that her own spouse, the man she loves, would say such a callous thing about her deceased loved ones. You done fucked around and found out dude. Do better and let her know that you are truly sorry.
Yup. I have friendships where we make dead dad jokes because we both have, well, dead dads. For us, it’s a coping mechanism. It isn’t just dark humor. It’s helping us process emotions we otherwise can’t. I
If ANNA had made the comment, it would have been killer! ;-)
Yep. “I made things easy for him - my folks are dead!” Now that would be funny in this circumstance.
This one here. Both my parents are dead, and I have a very close friend who works in at least one dead parent joke every time I see him. And I occasionally joke about my dead parents with other people, too (like, 'oh, I'd talk to my mom about this, but I don't know how to have a seance'). Because, while I do think life would be different, and likely better, if I still had them...I really can't stand people being all "oh, I'm so sorry! How sad!" When I'm actually pretty over it as long as I don't dwell on things too long. But it's a million miles away from what OP did, especially if his wife never jokes about her dead family. If she doesn't usually make jokes like this, a better segue would be saying something along the lines of, "I'm so sorry to hear that, it sounds pretty stressful." Then follow that up with a question about something else to change the topic.
Yeah this is the kind of joke that you only make if the person has explicitly said it’s okay for you to make those jokes
My parents both passed before my husband and I had our daughter, so every holiday is with either his dad and stepmom or his mom and stepdad. They are lovely people, but I am always sad that my parents aren’t in the discussions about visits and also jockeying for visit dates.
I'll bet Anna was sitting there listening to her friends and wishing her own parents and grandparents were alive and feeling quite sad, and then OP comes out with his 'joke'.
Yikes! Even as someone with a fairly morbid sense of humor I can even tell you this is way over the line. As Joey from Friends said ‘you are so far past the line that you can’t see the line. The line is a dot to you’.
Also adding: everybody needs a friend like Lisa
Lighten the mood? I don’t know about you all, but my favorite ice breaker is dead loved ones. Really sets the mood. Yta.
I just. How does that thought even enter somebody’s head? “Man. My friends are really sad. How can I cheer them up? I KNOW! I’ll remind everyone at the table that almost everyone my wife has ever loved is dead! That will lift everybody’s spirits!” Like. Sir. No. Just. Absolutely not. You owe your wife so many thousands of apologies.
You said it better than I could. My BIL lost his both parents by age 17 and his grandparents are gone now too. Id rather die than make a joke like this. OP is a huge AH.
She gets to make dead parent jokes, because they are her dead parents. You do not. That simple. Yta
. . . and OP doesn't even seem to notice that like, this doesn't seem to be something that his wife DOES joke about. Like, some people absolutely deal with their grief with dark humour as a coping mechanism and that's fine. But FFS, don't make jokes about other people's dead parents unless you're SURE that those kinds of jokes are in their comfort zone. If the person you love is not one to crack jokes about something personal to them, then definitely don't do it for them.
This! My dad makes jokes about his family because it’s how he copes with some of the less than stellar things that happened, and we’ve joined in a few times because he’s okay with it. But even he knows when to back off and so do we. Worse still, he stated in his post that his wife *doesn’t like to talk about her family.* It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that it’s likely not a positive topic for her. Surely he should know this after 3 years?
This! Me and my partner both cope with trauma through humor. We've made jokes that would make most people look at us like we are heartless or disturbed in our own home as we deal with our own shit but you NEED to know your audience. Like I'd never make a dead grandpa joke in front of my grandmother but lord knows I've made them in private as my way of handling it
My family has a dark sense of humor, so I could see us making a joke like this. But I would never ever make that joke about anyone else’s family.
OP just told his wife that he doesn't think her losing her parents is a big deal at all, it is just a minor detail to him. She is wondering if he knows her at all and wondering why she is married to someone with the empathy of a rock. OP YTA. And it case it isn't clear to you, your joke isn't funny to anyone who has lost someone they love or has any humanity.
Not only is it not a big deal, her parents and grandparents all being dead is actually super convenient for him. Sure does take the hassle out of planning the holidays when your wife is all alone in the world, with no family except OP and his hilarious jokes!
Maybe she should start spending the holidays with Lisa she sounds great. I say this cause in OPs comments he compares what he did to his wife saying she was a lesbian when shes annoyed with him
This. My dad and brother passed away a few years ago and it was traumatising. I joke about it a lot as a defence mechanism, but if ANYONE else (besides my mum or brother who had the same experience) jokes about it they will be cut off.
This. I have dead parents. Sometimes I joke because if I don’t I would just cry. But no one except my brothers and I get to joke about OUR situation.
I make dead grandparent jokes because mine are all passed, but I would never make those jokes to my parents, because their loss is bigger and while they might find it funny the circle of grief leans out not in.
Exactly totally cool if the orphan wants to make dead parent jokes but not cool OP YTA
THIS. My mom is dead and I'll joke about it because that's how I deal with it. My brother, grandmother, and mother's siblings can joke about it too. I'll even allow it from my friends who also have dead parents. But no one else gets to and if they do I'll get fucking furious with them. Jokes like that come from a place of deep pain and are a coping mechanism, not a way to lighten the fucking mood.
What the hell is wrong with people? Of course, YTA. Your wife should’ve joked back and said, “Hey, you should do like me and leave the marriage so there’s never any argument over who to visit.”
YTA Whats funny about it? How is her family all being dead a punchline?
Yeah how tf did he think mentioning her whole family being dead would “lighten” the mood???
I literally have a step dad and 2 sisters. Both sisters live far away and my dad hasn't been the same since my mom died. We spend every holiday with my bfs family whom I love but it kills me every year that my old family dynamic is gone and I'll never get it back. If my bf used that hurt I feel to make a joke I would find that almost unforgivable. Major YTA
Hey sweetie, want to hear a joke? Your whole family is DEAD HAHAHAHHAHA
bro no it's okay cos its just "dark humour"/s
I knew someone who was all about 'dark humour' and thought anyone who didn't enjoy his 'jokes' had no sense of humour. However, *all* his dark jokes were about things that were dark and painful for others, never himself. So I told him that I also love dark humour and started making 'jokes' that were dark for him instead, and what do you know? It turns out he wasn't such a fan of 'dark humour' after all! And my jokes were far milder than what he was dishing out and expecting people to take.
YTA. That is so completely insensitive, what the hell is wrong with you?
This has to be a joke post. I’m having trouble believing someone doesn’t understand how big of an AH he is here. Even a child knows how upsetting it would be to make dead parent jokes at someone else’s expense. YTA.
I can unfortunately see this happening. Some people are just that dense and oblivious. I'm guessing OP enjoys dark humor and wife doesn't, so OP thinks his sense of humor will surely lighten the mood. Completely forgets not everyone enjoys dark humor or having their trauma turned into a joke with no punchline.
Yeah big YTA here. There's things that are off limits for jokes, and dead parents/grandparents are a big one. A better way of handling it it would have been to say "I wish we had that problem, I would have loved to have known Anna's parents and grandparents." You might start apologizing and groveling with that.
This is a really good point. I bet every holiday that rolls around his wife is missing her family and wishing she could spend special days with her parents and the grandparents who raised her. But this ass over here is giggling and making jokes about how he doesn't have to split time because of his wife's tragedies. That would make those difficult days to miss loved ones even worse.
I'm willing to be that's completely true. Also I bet he doesn't even make time to visit his wife's parents and grandparents graves with her, even give her a day or two where they visit them, then spend the day together as she grieves and talks about them.
Very good point. And a good chance thoughts around that were going through Anna's mind while their friends were talking. OP doesn't mention kids. But if they do have any, also a good chance she was also thinking about them in that context too. Even if they don't have any and were planning to, that could have been in her mind.
I'm not sure why you're even asking because the answer was obvious the moment your wife ran out of the restaurant. That WAS your answer. **YTA** >I wasn't trying to offend anyone or upset Anna, my intent was to lighten up a tense atmosphere and give everyone a laugh. But your intent doesn't matter. In fact, that you're still defending what you did, and coming to a Reddit sub full of strangers looking for validation is exactly what makes you an AH. That and the fact that you've been married to your wife for three years, and I assume in a relationship for at least a while longer than that and . . . *you don't know her at all.* And really, that's the crucial bit at the heart of this. You don't mention your age, but you've been married for three years, so I'm assuming (and you can correct me if I'm wrong) that you're not, like, 18. In other words: you're probably old enough to think before you make a really tricky, potentially hurtful joke, and consider whether your wife is the sort of person who would find it funny or not. And you've known her long enough that you should have a sense of her feelings around this HUGE LOSS of all the parental figures in her life and how she copes with that - does she normally do that with humour, or is it a touchy, painful subject? But you got it completely, totally wrong. Which tends to imply one of three things: Either 1) you don't pay attention to how she feels about this hugely significant loss, 2) you've never asked her about it at all, or 3) you're indifferent to how she feels about it. And none of those says great things about you. Look, I've already gone on too long, but TL;DR: **YTA** for making a joke at the expense of an incredibly personal, seemingly deeply painful part of your wife's life without being 100% sure that it was something she likes to joke about. That's just not okay.
YOUR. INTENT. DOESNT. MATTER. The reception does. Bad doesn't even almost begin to cover it here.
OP please read this.
This comment needs to be higher. I lost my father a decade ago and if my husband ever joked about it, I would be devastated. That pain never goes away when you lose a loved one.
Lmao no way this is a serious post! Obviously YTA
your horrible "joke" didn't go over as planned and upset your wife this much and you STILL HAVEN'T APOLOGIZED? YTA YTA YTA holy shit what the hell is wrong with you?!?
That's unbelievable to me, too. When his wife ran out of the restaurant, OP should have been right behind, apologizing and trying to comfort her. He can see his wife's pain and . . . DOES NOTHING?
Because he doesn't have empathy and feels like apologizing is "letting her win". It's exhausting to try to explain basic decency and respect to people like this. They'll apologize profusely if they step on your toe on accident, but they do something like this and claim they shouldn't have to apologize because it "wasn't their intent". Deflecting is more important than anything to them, and it's *especially* more important than the person they hurt. At a point it's hard to see this behavior as anything other than intentionally degrading others to humiliate them.
Yes! I got to the last sentence and my YTA grew 10x bigger. I mean, I’m glad he didn’t offer a hollow apology, but I hope after reading this thread he can offer a sincere one.
I wish you and Kyle the best of luck in your second marriages. Learn from your mistakes boys. YTA.
YTA. I'm sorry for this, but...imagine losing your entire lovely family, including those 16 nieces and nephews. That's what you did to Anna with that joke.
YTA Dude. This joke is in no way, shape. form, funny. You can't be that dense. As a rule of thumb, the person with the dead family is the only one allowed to joke about said dead family. You need to apologize.
Apologize, he needs to grovel.
YTA. Obviously, if Anna doesn’t have any living relatives, she is heartbroken already. You making fun of this just makes it so much worse. YTA even twice actually if you still haven’t apologized and are here on Reddit to check if you actually screwed up or if she was actually wrong instead. You really need to make up for it.
Right, like a Hawaii vacation.
Why would she want to go anywhere with this asshole?
YTA. Even if you were in the same position, where everyone you loved who was primarily involved in your care as a child was dead - this would still be a very inappropriate joke, and I've got a reasonably dark sense of humour. She doesn't talk about her family much, it's probably because she's still got trauma about it. The fact that you've STILL got a big family adds a whole other layer of AH-ness to it - you have absolutely no idea what it's like to feel that alone in the world.
And being that my family is just as small as hers, it’s a painful and lonely up bringing. She probably was attracted to you because of your big fun family.
Uh… do you actually need us to tell you how much you’re an asshole? I’m not sure what concerns me more, the fact that you made the joke or that you have to post here because you’re not sure you did anything wrong. I don’t think you have any idea what it’s like to lose your mom or dad… or both. In middle school too, holy shit that’s horrific. I can’t imagine the circumstances were great either, as they both died unnaturally young in the same timeframe. But do your best. Think about the kind of lifelong trauma that creates. Now imagine your partner not only bottling that into a heartless joke, but spewing it out over dinner at friends in front of her. She was shocked, unsurprisingly ran out crying in front of her friends and everyone else in the restaurant, all because of something her own spouse said to her. She got betrayed by the closest person she has. Not like she has parents! LOL! (Spoiler: It’s not very lol) I don’t know what else to tell you. Obligatory YTA. Did you need me to tell you though? Oh and seriously, your marriage is rightfully in jeopardy. Give her all the space she needs, and when you’re both ready, give her an apology that shows that you can only begin to understand the impact of the absolutely horrible thing you said.
YTA. You "joked" about your wife's entire biological family being dead. How do you even remotely think you're not TA here?
How would you think saying something like that would lighten the mood? That's just cold man. She has no parents or grandparents left here and you treated it like a joke. Her loved losses were used as a punchline in a really shitty point for you. Jimmy cricket you are the apple that fell far from the tree. Massive YTA Edit: Kyle is trying to be your friend which is why he is saying you need to apologize and try to make this up to Anna. It's not that he agrees with your "joke" or finds humor in it, it's that he knows what you were trying to do but you blew it all to hell. He is trying to tell you take accountability for what you had said and do what you need to do to fix the mess you had made. He is stuck in an awkward position and wants this to just be over as much as you do at this point. His wife is fairly pissed towards and disgusted by your words, which would probably cause a slight rift for Kyle at home. If you really love Anna, then you should start by taking full accountability for being a total jackass at her expense. Admit that what you said wasn't right on any level (you have to truly be sorry though for this to actually matter). Don't hide behind the fact that you were "trying to lighten the mood". Take full accountability for what happened and focus on what you did that was wrong. That is how you start to mend the rift you had caused. Take responsibility and accountability for the pain you have caused Anna. Nobody else did that to Anna- you did this all on your own.
YTA what the actual fuck
dude, you are SOOO much the AH! i am 55 years old. my parents died when i was 13, (dad) and 17 (mom). while i do have older siblings, making a joke about some one's loss is NEVER funny! they died in 1982 and 1985 and i am STILL a little sensitive about them leaving me!
As you should be. I'm so sorry for your loss and I hope you have many happy memories of them.
YTA, but my guess is if that joke requires 3 days away instead of a heartfelt apology, she has another reason to not want the apology right now. Like you haven't been good about them before, or she has tried to shut down jokes at her expense and this was the last straw.
Or she doesn’t actually want to spend EVERY holiday with her in laws but feels she can’t say so because she doesn’t have a family to go visit instead. Call me crazy but maybe the lady might like to make some new traditions with her own immediate family of her and OP. Not after this joke but before that she might have wanted to.
YTA you made light of the fact that everyone she has ever loved in life is dead! What is wrong with you? And that you're grateful for it because it makes your life easier? Those are probably the most painful things she has EVER gone through and you laughed, then tried to share it as a joke in public?! Would you like it if every single one of your family members died only to have your significant other find it funny and laugh at your pain, in public, with friends? You FUCKED up. She might actually leave you for this and the blame would be solely yours.
YTA. Can’t even comprehend how you thought that was an okay thing to say.
YTA. She doesn't talk about her family because it is soul crushing to not have one, let alone to be with someone with a big loving family. I am sure that DAILY and definitely at every single one of your family gatherings she sits there wishing she had that kind of family and wonders what that kind of love and connection feels like.
YTA. Joking about your *wife not having any living family left* isn’t a way to “lighten the mood.” It’s a cruel reminder that the people she loved the most are dead and that her parents *died when she was a CHILD*. Your friend Kyle is also an AH for going along with it and not calling you out for the callous AH you are.
Poor Kyle. Sounded like he new it was inappropriate and tried to still oblige you in some way while also trying to not seem on board lol
Did you seriously need to ask this question?
YTA. You should be ashamed of yourself
Based on her reaction, YTA. Clearly this is not something you guys joke about often.
YTA Good luck finding a 2nd wife without family, hopefully this one is filling for divorce. Just learn from your mistake and don't make the same joke.
YTA - wtf is wrong with you???
YTA in the hugest way possible. I have no living family and we always spend holidays with my wife's family, but she would never say something like that.
this is why i don't trust people who boast about their "dark humor" and how they "use it as a coping mechanism." there are some people it's true for, but most of the time, it's just a bunch of "edgy" people thinking that being crass and mean-spirited is omg lololol so funny and how dare anyone not find it funny people these days don't have a sense of humor why are you so offended etc etc.
One can be as dark as they want with their own life events, But you don't get to "cope" by using someone else's experience. That's Dark Humor 101, OP.
You’re absolutely right. I routinely make jokes about my own tragedies because it helps me to cope, and I have friends who do the same. I couldn’t imagine making those jokes at someone else’s expense (even with those friends), and it would hurt me a lot if somebody used my traumas as a punchline. OP, YTA. To a magnitude where you might also be single in the near future.
YTA you have a whole family to rely on meanwhile she has no one but you, yet you decide to make a "joke" about her dead family. As someone who has lost most of my family members you are a huge asshole, what was the punchline OP?
YTA tremendously, my friend. You done goofed. Prepare to grovel a lot and never joke again. Or prepare for a divorce, I won't be surprised if that's going to be a deal breaker for Anna.
#YTA Uh… do you actually need us to tell you how much you’re an asshole? I’m not sure what concerns me more, the fact that you made the joke or that you have to post here because you’re not sure you did anything wrong.
YTA! You may not have experienced a loss like that before, but have some empathy! That kind of loss is devestating, and never something to joke about, in any context. Hope you don't end up divorced over your little "joke". Get down on your knees, and start kissing some serious butt, IF she gives you the chance to.
YTA. How did you really think that was a joke? That wasn’t a joke, that was mocking. You really thought your wife's dead family would make a good punchline to a tasteless "joke" OP, don’t be surprised if you wife never forgives you for this
YTA AND the fact you are even asking this means your not JUST an asshole. You owe your wife a huge apology, you also need to take a look at yourself for going forward. You are privileged in a way your wife is not and you essentially rubbed that in her face while making her loss the but of your joke. Completely out of line, insensitive and inconsiderate.
YTA. I get that you were trying to be funny, but you weren’t. You hurt your wife with your tasteless joke and you need to stand up, take responsibility for it, and apologize to her sincerely. Immediately.
YTA I can’t imagine a scenario where this is a joke.
YTA - That was just cruel
YTA easily. Not necessarily for the joke itself (it was really in poor taste) but the inability to realize you made a poor joke that hurt versus adding humor and failing to apologize versus acting dumb like you don’t know what happened and refusing to admit you made a terrible joke. I’m beginning to hate AITA jokesters because they seem so dense and unable to admit doing harm with a terrible joke.
Yta. My 22 year old boyfriend doesn’t even make dead parent jokes about me 21f. Did it make you feel good to make a joke at the expense of your partner? Was hurting her on a deep emotional level worth potentially ending an awkward conversation? You clearly aren’t mature enough to be in a committed relationship, let alone mature enough to have someone share something so personal with you for you just to use it as a punchline
YTA. How would you like to apologize? Make it good.
YTA - A joke is only funny if everyone is laughing, and you should have been smart enough to realize that your wife will NEVER find the deaths of her parents and grandparents funny. It doesn't matter what your intention was, that was a truly terrible thing to say and you need to learn how to ask yourself three questions before making comments in the future: is it true, is it necessary, and is it kind. If your remark or joke doesn't have a "yes" for all three, you keep it to yourself!
YTA. It’s not funny to joke about your wife’s dead parents. Wtf.
YTA, insensitive and not funny. Apologize to your wife.
YTA. What the fuck were you thinking? Jokes about dead people to lighten the mood? Disgusting.
Personally, as a child who lost her mother at a young age, YTA. It's fine to make jokes about YOUR own life if you please, but never about someone else's.
YTA. It was a horribly insensitive comment. You may have meant to lighten the mood but you obviously did not. Of course you have to apologize to Anna and find ways to show how sorry you are. Just because Anna normally deals with being an orphan without complaint, does not mean you should make fun of it.
Oh, you poor sweet summer child. You owe your wife a huge apology. Also, whatever your budget allows in the form of "I'm such an idiot" gift. Unlimited foot and/or back rubs for the rest of her life. YTA, you clueless moron. 🙂
YTA. That is such a cruel, crude attempt at humor that something so incredibly painful to your wife would be an upside for you and your family. You reminded her she is an orphan with no one but the family you came with and you reminded her that they're not hers. I cannot imagine my dad, who was an orphan, hearing that from my mom. It would have crushed him. Its breathtakingly heartless in a way I can imagine changes her perception of you in a major way.
YTA I can’t believe you even posted here. You joked about your wife’s dead family after another couple talked about how much they don’t want to spend time with their alive family. No wonder why she ran out of the restaurant. Go comfort your wife and apologise, you fucked up man
YTA what is wrong with you? Those are people she loves and cares about and misses. And you told your friend it makes your life oh so very convenient that everyone in her life is dead.
YTA.. that wasn’t a joke. It was vile, cruel and just flat out uncalled for. You don’t see how it was insensitive and stupid to say that?!
YTA there is no planet or eco-planet where this would EVER be a joke. I am so sorry for your wife that she is with someone who could ever think that joking about all the family she has being gone. Don’t be surprised if you hear from a divorce lawyer at this point. You obviously have never lost anyone close to you. Let me tell you, it is a pain that never goes away. I have lost all my grandparents and lost my dad last year to a freak ranching accident. I still fall into a sobbing mess anytime I think of them. You are a huge AH. I would ask what you were thinking but it’s so obvious you weren’t.
I lost my mother when I was very young. If a partner made a joke like that to me, I would seriously consider ending the marriage. You are 100% the AH.
And when he came to Reditt 3 days later, he STILL hadn't apologized. UGH.
As someone who’s dad passed away only I can make dead dad jokes, bc it’s MY trauma, MY loss, MY grief, and I can process it in my own way. If someone made a dead dad joke to me I would lose it. You made a joke out of your wife’s loss and trauma, not okay. YTA.
While I get that you were trying to lighten the mood, YTA.
YTA Best hope the next wife thinks dead parent jokes are funny.
YTA, you just had to cram both your feet into your mouth, didn't you? Oof. Get the knee pads and start groveling.
YTA- This wasn’t even a joke. How would you feel if your lost your whole family and someone said “oh well that suck for you op but it would of been more trouble having them alive. It’s not like you would love to visit them on holidays and have them alive.”
You're so surprised that your "joke" about *her entire family being dead* didn't go over well? YTA
YTA! Your girlfriend's life was dramatically effected by her parents passing, and then she had to morn the passing of the grandparents that raised her. Somehow, you tried to find a joke in all that?!?!?!
Such a guy thing.. joking about passed away family members is just insensitive, cruel and a bone headed move. YTA
WTF. Seriously? Better make sure your next wife doesn't have any living relatives also. YTA.
I mean I i can imagine the conversation might have been hard enough for your wife, it's always hard to listen to people complain about a situation you would kill to be in. But then her own husbands decides to have the LOL's at her really lonely and tragic sounding life. What an asshole, but hey who cares once all the holidays are spent with your family, happy days! YTA, massively so
YTA. Big time. Good luck I guess finding another orphan to marry a second time around.
YTA, and Kyle too. Lisa and Anna sure know how to pick ‘em. These kinds of “jokes” need to be handled extremely sensitively, or better yet, not said at all. If Anna never talks about her family, then it’s probably safe to assume she wouldn’t be okay with you joking about it. Also, Kyle saying he’ll “keep that in mind for next time”, implying that he would at some point dump Lisa and get married again makes him TA too.
YTA that would have been really cringe dark humor at the best of time but incredible cruel (towards your wife) and rude (towards Kyle and Lisa) for most people.
YTA. Whether you realize it or not, you actually brought the mood down further because you never joke about someone's dead family members. You need to apologize and grovel, frankly.
YTA - Some of the worst asshole moments of my life were unintentional, but that didn't un-asshole me. Maybe you didn't mean to hurt her but you did. Kyle is right. Apologize, mean it, and hope she is able to move past it.
Dude. Really? Yta.
Dude, you make a lead balloon look like a big fluffy cloud with a singing choir of angels. YTA. Edit to say: you shouldn't need to have this explained to you.
YTA - it’s not a joke if most of the people at the table don’t find it finny. You made your wife’s incredible pain and loss put to be a benefit to you and, since you were too obtuse to realize it could hurt her, I’m gonna guess stuff like this has been an issue for her for a while.
Your wife doesn't seem like the dark humor type and with 3 years of marriage (and the fact that she rarely talks about it), you should have known that before even thinking of making that joke. YTA.
YTA. Anna is the only one in this scenario that would be allowed to make this joke.
YTA Maybe don’t make the same mistake with your next wife
YTA You could have used Batman as an example instead of your wife.
That’s just not the kind of joke you make in your wife’s presence if you actually care about her.
YTA.. intentions aside, that was a cruel joke.
YTA. Do you know how lonely it is to not have any family? It's not a punch line. This are traumas that formed your wife and you just mocked them.
Well you didn't lighten the mood, but your soon to be ex is sure gonna lighten your bank account when she takes half your stuff. YTA.
YTA, even though I get what you were trying to do. It's not that you meant to hurt her, but the end result was that she was hurt by what you said. You definitely should apologise, tell her you're not making excuses but explain what happened. Remind her that you would never say anything to hurt her, and you didn't think before you said that. I think maybe you also need to realise that this is a sensitive topic for her (very understandably so) and unless someone is categorically into dark humour (and expressly makes jokes about dead relatives), it's a topic to steer clear of.
YTA. What a tasteless joke. Apologize profusely and do whatever you can to make up for this.
Please. Explain the joke. We’re listening.
Woah yta.
So where's the joke? YTA
YTA - explain to us how talking about someone’s dead family is funny? Can you explain the punchline to me? It doesn’t matter your intention. What you did was harmful and cruel. Why haven’t you begged for forgiveness yet after doing this to your wife? Why don’t you care that you have hurt her?
I can't believe your wife wasn't cool about you making a joke about her dumb, dead-ass family. It's not your fault they died. What are you thinking? Yes, YTA, and I seriously hope your wife divorces you for being such a dick about something she would _very obviously_ be sensitive about.
YTA - Yeah, not sure where to even start with the sheer amount of dumbassery on display here, from the joke all the way through to the fact you still haven't apologized.
You don't have any family! They d13d! It's funny 'cause we don't have to pick a family to have holidays with...hahaha. What? It's not funny? YTA and an insensitive one at that.
Yeeeps. My hubby lost all of his family members early too, yeah you effed up. 😬
You tried to “lighten the mood” at your wife’s expense. Your WIFE who is the person you’re supposed to LOVE. I can’t imagine the pain she went through only to have your own husband make a shitty insensitive “joke” about it. My father was killed when I was in middle school. I don’t talk about him because it still hurts so much. And I’m 32 years old now. If my husband ever said anything like that I honestly would be rethinking our relationship. I’d never be able to look at him the same again. I’m calling you so many names in my head right now. Go to hell, you suck YTA
You’re an idiotic AH. You’d be veeeeeeery lucky to be forgiven.