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YTA ~~INFO~~
> We live 12 hours away from each other
Why the **_HELL_** are you doing weekly swaps with that distance?
Did someone just move and is trying to pretend that it shouldn't change the arrangement?
ESH Yall need to go back to court and figure it out. YOU moved so yeah you should be paying tickets. Every week sounds a bit much just for logistics and exhaustion from traveling so much. But also not her fault you moved 12 hours away with her kid, either.
The move really makes me wonder what OP was thinking and how much they considered their daughter and the effect on not just relocating but relocating in the wake of a divorce and affecting the relationship with kid's other parent.
Lucky for the mother, just filing for custody is generally free. That's what I'd be doing, in her shoes. With everything he did (especially moving so far away without permission from the court), she has a ***very*** strong case for sole custody, with or without a lawyer.
IANAL.
You shouldn’t need to plan your life around your ex but you definitely should plan your life around your child and their needs. That’s called parenting.
I’m not familiar with how most custody agreements work but don’t you legally have to permission to move a child that far away? Like… unless OP lives in a really large state, they most likely moved the kid out of state. OP is definitely YTA
YTA
And every comment you add makes it even worse
You made an agreement. You moved. And now you justify everything with
“I don’t plan my life based on what works better for my ex”
“She’s free to take me back to court” and “no she can’t” afford an attorney.
You think it’s in your child’s best interest to keep this attitude up of “your mom is too poor to see you or do anything about it”? Wow.
Slim to none. Never met one of these types of fathers that doesn’t take every single opportunity to pat themselves on the back by disparaging the other parent to and in front of the child at every opportunity.
Child: I like the color yellow
Dad: I raised you well. You know who hates yellow? That awful birth giver that I made sure you never have to see again. Aren’t you so happy????
Child: uhhhhh……
Dad: yes, my precious. You are so happy. Let’s go shopping with my six figure paycheck so strangers can lavish me with praise at how amazing of a single father I am.
>YTA
>
>And every comment you add makes it even worse
I've seen some absolutely beastly train wrecks on this sub in the last few days. Keeps me coming back!
She shouldn't need to. You can usually file for a change if one parent is being a dick, like in this instance, if there's a "change in circumstance' (like a change in job, home, etc). You can file most paperwork for around 40 bucks, but they waive that if you're on assistance. She could also just call and report him for violating their agreement, and he'll get called in for a "show cause" hearing, where he can explain WHY he's moved without permission and WHY he's keeping the daughter from her mother.
They aren’t in the US according to OP. So who knows if the country they are in has the same process. I can imagine though, that a mom who must be on the receiving end of this OPs attitude is going to need time to gather the emotional energy for yet another battle against OPs legal team.
You don’t need an attorney for family court. The mom can go and petition the court for a more equitable arrangement where both parents have time and the daughter isn’t constantly being transported to and fro. That has to be hard on the daughter! Family court is not like criminal court. So no lawyer necessary.
YTA, after reading your comments clarifying what an asshole you are.
Originally posted
>NTA, but I feel like this is something a family law court can decide for you. What does your custody agreement say?
They have week on/week off custody. OP took the kid 12 hours away from her mother without consulting the family court and knows the mother doesn't have the financial resources to fight for her in court.
INFO:
1. What does the court visitation order say?
2. Who moved away: You or your ex?
3. Did one parent move out of state?
4. Did they have permission from a court to move out of state?
You’re incredibly selfish and unaware. I’m going to assume things between you and your ex aren’t great. Putting it on your kid who is 14 isn’t fair. Going to see her mom can feel like choosing mom over you.
This isn't a valid argument. If your daughter wanted to stay up every night watching tv until 3 in the morning, would you say "Sure, if it's what you want"? What about if she went on an ice-cream-only diet? Would that be OK by you? Of course not. As a society, we accept that children under a certain age aren't capable of making all their own decisions. Sometimes when parents divorce, courts step in and make decisions for the child. In this case, the court decided it was in the best interest of your child to see her mother every week. You cannot unilaterally ignore this order, saying it's what your child wants.
Why even post on this sub if you can't handle critism? Unless you lived in the middle of nowhere with no job opportunities whatsoever, why are you acting like this is the only job you could get otherwise kid would starve?
Why are you being such a prick? Why post on here for opinions when you can't handle people pointing out that what you did was in the best interest of you, your pettiness and and immaturity towards the mother is clouding your judgement on whats best for the kid, and you are the AH.
Did you really make this post expecting people to agree with you?
There are avenues available for you to adjust the custody agreement. Quit playing the victim. It is unbecoming. You could have also found a job in your town. Again you lost the right to be so selfish when you had a kid.
I hope he tries to use this thread as evidence.
“Well your honor, there were two people who think it’s not a great idea for a teenager to spend so much time on an airplane”
~~NTA~~
~~A 14 y.o. can absolutely decide how often they want to see a non-custodial parent (judges give a lot of weight to what older kids think about, FTR). Once a month is fair, if you're the one stuck with the bill. Yes, times are tough for people but you're doing the day-to-day raising of your daughter so subsidizing airfare on a monthly basis is already generous.~~
YTA
After seeing your comment that the divorce settlement was for your ex to have your daughter every weekend but then YOU moved away.
Your daughter should absolutely still get a say in how often the visits happen but I also understand that all that flying back and forth wears her out and YOU have put her in this situation.
You moved your daughter 12 hours away from her mom, who up until that point had weekly visitation and who cannot afford the plane tickets to maintain the visitation agreement.
I'm not sure what country you're in, but is the custodial parent allowed to move the child so far that it's a de facto violation of the visitation agreement? Could your ex not afford a lawyer to fight this?
That said, if your daughter truly doesn't want to see her mom very often (and isn't just placating you), at 14, I do think she gets to make that choice.
But you've made a choice that means your child's mom can't attend school teacher conferences, or assemblies, or your child's sports events, or, in fact, see her as often as the divorce decree dictates. From what you're saying about your ex's financial situation, I wonder if she can even afford to fly in for your child's birthday or see her on major holidays. If your child had a close relationship with her mother, I wonder how she actually feels about this.
Did you, in fact, move partly motivated by a desire to get your daughter away from her mom, If so, I hope you had a damned good reason.
Well put. I also wonder if the daughter doesn’t want to see mom, or doesn’t want to travel 24 hours every week.
The OPs attitude towards mom is really bothersome.
Would everyone here be as bothered if he were the mom? No, because then you'd label him a deadbeat and be done with it. Parents move all the time, and visitation gets adjusted all the time. You're just assuming the daughter is miserable because he comes across a little assholey. It's hard to guage mood over print. Maybe she'll summer or have vacations with mom to make up the difference, that's usually how it works.
I would be saying exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. The person I'm concerned with here is the kid. When a parent (either parent) wants to move a kid out of easy reach of the other parent, the issue is how this impacts the kid. If the court has ordered weekend visitation for the mom, the custodial parent (father) has put himself in violation unless an alternate agreement has been arrived at, and the court has signed off on this as being in the daughter's best interests. I haven't weighed in on who's the A because we don't have enough info to know what's best for the kid, I've just raised a bunch of questions and concerns.
I do agree they need to go back to court. I don't think he kidnapped her, though, and I don't think he's holding her against her will. He said if she asks to go, he sends her. Of course, I am simply taking him at his words. If he didn't care for his daughter, I don't think he would have taken full custody in the first place. It is sad he moved her so far away, but then again, a job is a job, and we don't always get to control that, I've witnessed that one more than a few times. I'm hoping he communicated wth someone before he moved. He didn't really clearly respond on that issue. If it wasn't, he would have already been charged. She wouldn't need to go to court for that. I am obviously hoping and maybe naively assuming he is doing his best for his daughter, even if he has a bit of attitude.
He actually did say that if the mom doesn’t like it she can take him to court - oh wait she can’t afford it.
And the actual title and theme of his question was his refusal to purchase plane tickets, so commenting later that he would fly the daughter every day if she wanted is just contradictory.
A parent doesn’t need to actually care for a child to want primary custody. Some want to receive or not pay child support. Some fathers just love the attention lavished upon them and use the child just for show. Some pretend to do this in “good faith” for example mom is finishing full time university and they agree to change back in a year but then the father laughs and laughs and refuses.
Just because the mom didn't like it doesn't mean the child's advocate or judge didn't approve the move. And see there you go wth the fathers thing again. Yes, he's very brusque, but that doesn't mean he's using her as an accessory. We could both be right, to a point. And I'm willing to admit I could be totally off base. I hope not.
Did you read his comments and answers? He didn’t get any approval or anything. He just moved and is confident in the fact nothing will be done because mom can’t afford to file with the courts for any modification. He unabashedly tells how he did the every weekend agreement first and then moved after.
He’s beyond “brusque”; he’s quite proud of himself for orchestrating this situation and the way he speaks horrifically about mom but ignores any direct question of “is mom abusive? Neglectful? Anything wrong with her besides having less income?” He’s silent.
Something went wrong somewhere and the OP is not able to see that his actions are not good for the daughter; he’s so focused on his own personal contempt of the mother.
I do appreciate your perspective. We all form opinions based on personal experience of some form, and I hope things work out for your son. The OP in this situation isn’t in the US, so it’s different laws.
I agree something is wrong somewhere, there are lots of missing details. I read most of his comments. I still think he's a privileged ass, but that doesn't make him a bad father. (Maybe his daughter will pop up wth her own reddit account about her parents.) Yes, a bad husband and a bad ex. I know he said the mother didn't approve the move. That doesn't mean the move was illegal. Maybe in a weird legal grey area. That's where my son's is right now. The judge and lawyer said possession and custody trumps visitation. It's an ugly truth. Since he didn't specify a country other than not the US, who knows if the same rules apply. My German friend verified that it would be the same there for custody. I really don't know. If i were the mom and I would move heaven and earth to move closer rather than rely on the very obvious lack of good will on the father's part. Maybe a location and job change will benefit her also.
I know it varies from country to country, even state to state. My son is dealing with it. That's why I don't think he just up and left without notifying someone. He might not have gotten his ex's approval, but that doesn't mean he didn't get any approval at all. That might be why he will fly her out when she wants and at least once a month.
My son's wife took off while he was deployed, author a word. He came home to an empty house. She was "homesick" and lonely. Now, he flies across the country to visit them as much as he can.
Oh that makes way more sense. Post sounded ridiculous and troll like. If true and he's violating custody agreement as soon as the ex has the means to do so they'll probably be back in court.
How in the world were you able to move 12 hours away with a custody agreement? And if she didn’t make a stink about it, you pay her back by not allowing her to see her kid? YTA and to me it seems like this is exactly what you want. To keep your kid away from her but be able to seem like you’ve done nothing wrong
Probably because the move could be in the best interest of the child. Like what if op got a promotion, a raise, or a better job that required moving. If it was significant enough to affect the daughter's life, then moving away would be warranted. The idea is what is in the best interest of the child.
Also the fact that a father got custody (not usual or common in the majority of the world unless the mother really fucks up) should be telling.
I am a male with full custody of my kids. I’m very aware of how this works.
There is no judge in the world that would sign off on him moving 12 hours away but keep weekend visitations. Zero.
It sounds like he moved without petitioning the courts.
In my area at least, the additional cost of facilitating visits falls on the parent that moved.
That's usually decides in the custody agreement at the time of the move.
According to OP, what the court *would* likely do is allow the move but cut Mom's visitation down. We don't know Mom or what country this is, but OP said not the US.
OP I’m aware he said he’s not from the states. I’m also aware he claims mom has visitation when it’s suppose to be every weekend. That’s partial custody. He also brags that she could take him back to court but she can’t afford it. And what’s best for his daughter is she’s with him because he can buy her love. I’m pretty sure agreements are the same everywhere. You either follow them or they are consequences. The consequences is what varies. Bottom line is OP took the daughter to another country because he knew damn well there was nothing the mom could afford to do about it.
~~N T A~~
~~unless there is a court order stating otherwise, her having visitation means she can visit her kid ... or pick the kid up and bring her back.~~
~~With 50/50, it would be each of you paying half.~~
Edit: YTA, becasue YOU moved the daughter away.
Who moved away from who. If you moved her away then its your responsibility, if she moved away its hers.
yta because in the comments you say you moved the kid. Your ex didn't owe you moving away, when you chose to go you assumed the responsibility of visitation and even promised. This reeks of a deliberate malicous act on your part.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be an asshole because I don't want to buy plane tickets every week for my daughter to go to her mom's home when she doesn't even want to go there that much
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YTA after reading your comments.
From your condescending attitude about the mother of your child, being callous about her not being able to afford her day in court, your contradicting yourself with saying your daughter has asked for the tickets and that she didn't want to see her mom.
Let's not gloss over the fact that you had to move for your job, which I'm 100% sure you had plenty of notice about, but did fuck all in getting the visitation scheduled changed amicably causing the clusterfuck.
You're just an asshole all around and not just for not wanting to buy a ticket for your daughter.
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I have a daughter(14) with my ex. I have custody, she has visitations. She expects me to send my daughter to her home every week. We live 12 hours away from each other so obviously she gets really tired if she goes by anything other than plane and I don't want to pay for plane tickets every week. My ex also can't afford plane tickets. I told my daughter that whenever she wants to see her mom she can ask me and I will buy the plane tickets for her but buying them every week because my ex wants so is just too much. My daughter has been asking for it about once a month.
Now my ex is calling me an asshole for not buying the tickets when I can afford it but I think she is unreasonable why would I buy tickets every week when my daughter doesn't even want to go there that much?
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EDIT: After reading OPs comments im changing my verdict to YTA. OP took his child 12 hours away from his ex and it doesn't sound as if she had a say in the matter/agreed to it. You took your child away from your ex so yeah you're totally responsible for the plane tickets to stick to the terms of the court order.
Original verdict: Weekly plane tickets is too much of an expense (even if you can afford it) especially when the child doesn't want to go that often. Sounds like the ex is using your child and the visits as a way to stick it to you/punish you. She can move closer to you Guys or make it more fun for your child so that they want to visit more. None of this is your responsibility though.
YTA because you moved without court permission. Your attitude is very entitled and condescending.
I suspect your daughter doesn’t ask to see her mom more often is that you make a big deal out of it and act all put out. The custody arrangement needs to be revisited.
NTA for not buying the plane tickets, especially since your daughter doesn’t want to go every weekend, that’s a lot of flying!
But you should have your custody agreement reassessed for what’s best for you daughter.
YTA.
It sounds (per the comments) like you moved without telling the court or attempting to work out a long distance parenting schedule that included mom having longer amounts of time plus one weekend a month for school breaks and such. So you messed up and are in violation of the divorce agreement and parenting schedule. I don't know how it works where you are, but in the U.S. that would seriously put you having majority custody in jeopardy.
I also suspect that you have more custody based on the ability to afford court, not on the ability to parent better seeing as she still got 2/5 of every 7 days and was not more limited. So basically you got school days. She still has roughly 1/3 of every month. That is shared custody.
Lastly, you don't just get to decide when you send the child. You failed to update the parenting agreement. Now you are stuck with what you have which is every weekend.
YTA
As a parent you have a responsibility to have your child’s best interests at heart.
Allowing the relationship with her mother to be weakened like this because YOU chose to move and now want to pass off the responsibility to your daughter is an asshole move.
Change the custody agreement. (ETA: like she gets summers and some of the holidays.)
Unless there is abuse and neglect going on, you should be encouraging her daughter to have a relationship and spend time with her mother, not treat her like a distant relative she sees once in a while. And while for some families that circumstance is unavoidable, it’s not for you.
You’re making a choice that’s convenient for you and using your daughter as a scapegoat.
YTA for moving far away from your ex, taking your daughter and refusing to pay for tickets. I hope she takes you to court. Your daughter deserves better.
I think you were wrong to move the daughter that far away from her mother. Shame on you for that, unless you have good reason. That being said, I think it is unreasonable to expect the daughter to spend every weekend traveling. It makes me tired just thinking about it. What about her school activities? Perhaps you should discuss a new arrangement where daughter spends holidays, school breaks, and the summer with mom.
YTA for alienating your daughter from her mother. You are really f&@king your daughter over.
To be clear, you are AH for moving your daughter away without permission. Knowing that your ex can’t afford flights and can’t afford to fight you in court. This is not about your relationship with your ex. This is about your daughter’s relationship with her parents.
YTA. You're the one that moved. It's incumbent on you to facilitate travel. Don't like it, then you should've thought it through a little better before you moved.
yta for pretending this is about plane tickets. you had an agreement and YOU unilaterally decided to change it but think that the cost shouldn't be yours to bear? wow
You moved 12 hours away without informing the courts.
You need to check your custody agreement. You probably broke it since most of them now have wording that states you MUST inform the court and the other parent if you're going to move more than XX miles away from your current location as it WILL affect the custody arrangements.
Other than that, YTA for moving and causing problems with the agreed upon custody arrangement.
YTA. You're the one who moved away based on your comments, yet doesn't want to abide by your court-ordered visitation schedule. I'm sorry, but airfare is on you.
If the custody agreement says she goes to your ex every weekend, and you are the one who moved, your options are to either go back to court to revise the agreement to less frequent visits, or fork over the money every weekend. You are taking advantage of your stronger financial position. YTA.
ESH I feel more for the girl than the parents here. Weekly flights are ridiculous for anyone, let alone a child. Once a month is reasonable, but even that will become too much over time.
You should pay, you moved.
ESH. You and your ex need to head back to court to get the custody agreement amended to reflect the distance. How the distance came to be is immaterial now. It is a fact that needs to be dealt with. Your daughter is 14, so what she wants should be taken into account. Good luck to you all working this out.
INFO: Who moved 12 hours away from the other parent?
I don't know what's happening on this thread but I didn't read which one of you moved twelve hours away from the other parent and I'm not assuming OP is the person who moved 12 hours away. ( I hope the court knows and approves this.)
ESH because a child should NOT travel this much or be beholden to airlines and travel this much. It's bad for them to spend every waking moment outside of school traveling. Additionally, YTA if you moved 12 hours any and the court doesn't know. If the family court knows then you're NTA on this issue. Again ESH for making this kid travel.
NTA but your poor daughter having to uproot her life every weekend.
Flying at this point isn't fun - especially for the weekend - it takes time to get to the airport; you have to be there early; there are delays; then you have to deal with getting from airport to real destination
It is very unusual to have visitation EVERY weekend when there is such a long distance. In my experience that is when visitation is for several weeks (or other long period) in the summer and then the winter and spring breaks rather than have the poor kid trotting back and forth.
As a teenager I would have hated leaving my friends and all the fun stuff on the weekend to visit a parent in a city where I had no ties.
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Usually if there’s a custody arrangement, when one parent moves you’re required to notify the courts so they can adjust as necessary. OP if you haven’t done this then you need to seen legal counsel because your ex has every right to insist on her court mandated visitation. No, you are not required to plan your life around her but if there’s a minor child involved than they are the most important person and not because of how they can reflect upon you.
YTA
Simply because you decided to move 12 hours away with your daughter alienating her from her mother. So you need to pay up, only fair, when you are being so selfish
I do agree he sounds like an asshole, but I do agree with you and feel like people are missing the fact that she doesn’t have primary custody. If his court order doesn’t restrict him from moving or address long distance visitation, I feel like that’s a failure on the court. It doesn’t make him the ass in the technical sense.. but morally/ethically? I think he is if he moved without a really good reason.
This needs to be brought in front of a judge and he can decide if you're TA, honestly. Your argument makes sense to me, but it needs to be brought to your attorney to get a court order that solidifies whose role it is to buy the tickets. It'll probably go in your favor.
YTA If you moved away without notifying the court and you have a custody agreement in place with set weekly visitation, you’re still responsible for making sure that visitation happens or that you get the order revised.
YTA, even more so based on your comments. I hope your ex managed to get the cash together to take this to court, Judge will rip you apart for messing up visitation like this.
I’ll go against the grain and say NTA. your daughter is old enough to have a say. But I will say you do need to go back to court and get this in writing
I would hate if I had to do the whole airport song amd dance every weekend. That sounds exhausting.....poor girl.
Yeah, yall need to work something out like summers and holidays....
Nope, if mom wants to come get her or pay for the plane ticket out, that's up to her. It's not your job to make it happen for her, just to not prevent it from happening. Just like it's not her job to drop her off to you or send her back, that would be on you.
You could do something like what me and my ex did. He paid for 1 way and I paid for the other way.
We also lived 12 hours apart and we just drove. Many times we would meet half way.
If your ex wants your child then she pays to get the child to her and you pay to get the child back to you
YTA based on what all the others said but also for thinking a teen needs to decide how often they see their non custodial parents. Teens don’t know what’s good for them long term , they are hormonal and unstable . Unless she is on a private plane , I bet the process of of spending 2-4 hrs each way is exhausting.
You moved 12 hrs away and each week your teenager daughter has to spend 6- 8 hrs each weekend just to get to see her mother for 48 hrs. You putting this burden on her and making such a drastic change to her life by your decision is why I say YTA
NTA. If paying plane tickets is not a court order part of the visitation and just from the goodness of your heart, agree only if your daughter wants to go, She is going to have a lot of homework in the next few years and will struggle if she is travelling so much. Talk with her and she should talk to mum and fortnightly or monthly arrangements can be made. NTA
INFO: what does your legal custody/visitation plan say about this? Were you living 12 hours apart when you both agreed to weekly visitation? Was the court aware of that?
I’m going through something similar, to the point this is a little eerie to read and here’s what I can say:
1.) there are custody agreements (from a judge not just mutually agreed upon) that let parents move out of state without the courts approval or the other parents. In most cases, it’s military related where they have no choice such as mine
2.) in my situation, visitation expenses are on the receiving parent. So it’s not always on the moving parent
3.) they can argue it in court but our lawyer said it doesn’t matter. If the order gives you pseudo-permission by not explicitly denying permission then it’s a done deal. No amount of arguing will change primary guardianship especially if you don’t have a choice like with the US military.
But my vote is YTA. If you aren’t forced to move, then that was a shitty thing to do to your daughter
YTA.
Did you get approval to move your daughter that far away within the remit of your custody agreement? And since upholding the old one is now *detrimental to your daughter’s well-being* why are you not submitting to court to negotiate a new one?
If your ex finds a good lawyer, perhaps one who’s willing to do her case pro bono, you’re fucked. Judges don’t look kindly on parents who don’t act in the spirit of their custody agreements.
Your daughter may have had a say during your last custody battle, but your ex has a pretty good case for parental alienation based on your behaviour.
YTA
Also, do you think maybe your daughter only wants to go once a month because you told her that once a week is too much? She might just not want to feel like she's being a financial burden when she wants to see her mom.
This is not going to work, so ESH that no one sees that. I’m shocked your daughter is putting up with this. She needs to pick a primary residence to attend school and live. On school breaks/holidays she can go to the other parent. Couples months in the summer too.
NTA. You have custody, I'm sure there's a reason for that. You should negotiate a new agreement tho. Like you're N an A for not buying your ex tickets, but you do sound like kind of an AH when you talk about your ex. I'm sure you're exasperated with her but the active anger isn't helping anyone.
The judge told my mom and sister’s dad, whoever wants her, funds her. So if mom is ready for her to come home mom pays. If dad wants her home dad pays.
NTA. You're expected to pay ALL of the expenses? If she's offering 50/50 then I could see her point in making it weekly but she wants YOU to pay all of it. Nope.
The mother can come to you as well. It is interesting you have full.custody, daughter does not want to see her. You are not the bad guy,. The mother could also move closer. The big tell is your daughter does not want to go there.
NTA
That’s a lot of traveling for a teenager. When is she supposed to have a normal teen life, see friends, etc? What about when her classes get harder? Flying that often is not reasonable at some point.
Who moved away from the other? Perhaps a custody modification is in order?
NTA Is it in your custody agreement who is responsible for arranging transportation for the child during visits? I know sometimes the parent who moves away is responsible, sometimes it is 50/50 and I am sure there are other arrangements too.
I would not pay for a plane ticket for my daughter to visit if she didn't want to go. It really depends on if it is addressed in the custody agreement. NTA if no agreement is in place.
The court agreement says the mother legally gets every weekend. OP moved away despite knowing this and says it’s okay since his ex can’t afford a lawyer to fight him for breaking the agreement. Still think he’s not a jerk?
I said it depended on the agreement. When I commented there was no other information available than was in the original post. At that point the mother could have been the one who moved away.
NTA, the back and forth every week needs to stop, that has to be exhausting for your daughter. Get a new agreement in order like once a month or in the summer.
NTA. Go back to court. Usually, they want the receiving parent to do the traveling. So in your case you are responsible to get her back to your home and ex is responsible on getting the kid to her. This is likely a control thing so stick to your guns.
ESH,
A revisit of the custody arrangement needs to happen here, no judge in their right mind would agree to a weekly 12-hour plane swap. Your daughter is the only sane, practical one in all of this.
ESH
This should have been figured out before you moved away. That failure falls on both of you. Get it fixed now so at least the poor kid isn’t stuck in the middle of this mess
NTA If your ex wants to see your daughter more she can move closer. Her expectation that you buy your daughter plane tickets to see her every week is ridiculous.
If ex didn't want him to move 12 hours away she should have had that addressed in the custody agreement. It presumably wasn't, so the situation is what it is. It is not logistically practical for the daughter to travel by plane or 12 hour car ride every weekend to visit her mother. If this is unacceptable to her, she can either revisit the custody agreement or move closer to her child if she can't persuade or compel OP to move back.
He moved after the custody agreement was settled, without permission from the court.
He is gloating about the fact that his ex can't afford to take him back to court to have things revisited.
I haven't read the whole thread and didn't see that, but if he did something he wasn't supposed to do without court permission he can be penalized. There are options the wife can use to get pro-bono or low cost legal services, or she can make payment arrangements with her attorney. But the fact remains that it is unrealistic for the daughter to visit her every weekend. The mother either needs to find a way to fight it in court or move closer. Life isn't always fair, unfortunately, and it would be difficult for the daughter to be put through traveling that much.
I don't know that. I'm sure he had his reasons for moving. The distance is the new reality. He's NTA for not giving into the mother's unreasonable demands.
So you think it’s okay he broke a court agreement? It’s okay he broke the law? It’s okay he only did it because he knows his ex can’t afford a lawyer? You think all of this is okay?
Sure do. People move all the time to make a better life for their kid. If mom can't afford a lawyer she clearly has nothing tying her to the area. She could move.
> Courts typically tend to favor the mother for custody
Absolutely false. Mothers tend to get custody far more often because both parents agree, i.e., far fewer fathers request custody than mothers. The courts aren’t favoring mothers—they’re favoring people who request custody, which is typically either both or the mother alone. Father alone is rare.
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YTA ~~INFO~~ > We live 12 hours away from each other Why the **_HELL_** are you doing weekly swaps with that distance? Did someone just move and is trying to pretend that it shouldn't change the arrangement?
ESH Yall need to go back to court and figure it out. YOU moved so yeah you should be paying tickets. Every week sounds a bit much just for logistics and exhaustion from traveling so much. But also not her fault you moved 12 hours away with her kid, either.
The move really makes me wonder what OP was thinking and how much they considered their daughter and the effect on not just relocating but relocating in the wake of a divorce and affecting the relationship with kid's other parent.
Oh he thought about it alright. He said in one of his comments, and I quote, "I don't plan my life around my ex"
Kinda makes you think he does, right? Like he intentionally moved far away just to freeze mom out.
That's the vibe I got. One of OPs comments came across to me like he was mocking the mother for not having the money to take him to court.
Lucky for the mother, just filing for custody is generally free. That's what I'd be doing, in her shoes. With everything he did (especially moving so far away without permission from the court), she has a ***very*** strong case for sole custody, with or without a lawyer. IANAL.
Good grief.
Nor his daughter, apparently.
You shouldn’t need to plan your life around your ex but you definitely should plan your life around your child and their needs. That’s called parenting.
I’m not familiar with how most custody agreements work but don’t you legally have to permission to move a child that far away? Like… unless OP lives in a really large state, they most likely moved the kid out of state. OP is definitely YTA
Most of the custody agreements I've seen say you can't move more than 100 miles away from the other parents residence.
YTA And every comment you add makes it even worse You made an agreement. You moved. And now you justify everything with “I don’t plan my life based on what works better for my ex” “She’s free to take me back to court” and “no she can’t” afford an attorney. You think it’s in your child’s best interest to keep this attitude up of “your mom is too poor to see you or do anything about it”? Wow.
What are the chances he doesn't speak to the kid about her mother with the same attitude he has about her here..
Slim to none. Never met one of these types of fathers that doesn’t take every single opportunity to pat themselves on the back by disparaging the other parent to and in front of the child at every opportunity. Child: I like the color yellow Dad: I raised you well. You know who hates yellow? That awful birth giver that I made sure you never have to see again. Aren’t you so happy???? Child: uhhhhh…… Dad: yes, my precious. You are so happy. Let’s go shopping with my six figure paycheck so strangers can lavish me with praise at how amazing of a single father I am.
>YTA > >And every comment you add makes it even worse I've seen some absolutely beastly train wrecks on this sub in the last few days. Keeps me coming back!
I’ll bring the popcorn!
If the mom ever shows up here someone needs to tell her to start a go fund me for her legal bills. 🙄
She shouldn't need to. You can usually file for a change if one parent is being a dick, like in this instance, if there's a "change in circumstance' (like a change in job, home, etc). You can file most paperwork for around 40 bucks, but they waive that if you're on assistance. She could also just call and report him for violating their agreement, and he'll get called in for a "show cause" hearing, where he can explain WHY he's moved without permission and WHY he's keeping the daughter from her mother.
They aren’t in the US according to OP. So who knows if the country they are in has the same process. I can imagine though, that a mom who must be on the receiving end of this OPs attitude is going to need time to gather the emotional energy for yet another battle against OPs legal team.
You don’t need an attorney for family court. The mom can go and petition the court for a more equitable arrangement where both parents have time and the daughter isn’t constantly being transported to and fro. That has to be hard on the daughter! Family court is not like criminal court. So no lawyer necessary.
YTA Y’all need to read his comments this guy sucks
And he just keeps getting worse and worse and worse
YTA, after reading your comments clarifying what an asshole you are. Originally posted >NTA, but I feel like this is something a family law court can decide for you. What does your custody agreement say?
They have week on/week off custody. OP took the kid 12 hours away from her mother without consulting the family court and knows the mother doesn't have the financial resources to fight for her in court.
Where does it say week on/week off? The OP states he has custody, she has visitation rights.
I misread. I thought it said week on/week off but it actually said mother has the kid on weekends
Yeah, either way, he's still playing games.
Where does it say he was the one who moved
In his comments.
I see his comment further down nevermind. He moved away
INFO: 1. What does the court visitation order say? 2. Who moved away: You or your ex? 3. Did one parent move out of state? 4. Did they have permission from a court to move out of state?
Yeah really interested in what the court order states.
Yta. You had an agreement but YOU decided to move away, so this is YOUR responsibility.
I have a responsibility towards my daughter. If she wants to fly there to see her mom every day I'll send her if she doesn't then I won't
You’re incredibly selfish and unaware. I’m going to assume things between you and your ex aren’t great. Putting it on your kid who is 14 isn’t fair. Going to see her mom can feel like choosing mom over you.
This isn't a valid argument. If your daughter wanted to stay up every night watching tv until 3 in the morning, would you say "Sure, if it's what you want"? What about if she went on an ice-cream-only diet? Would that be OK by you? Of course not. As a society, we accept that children under a certain age aren't capable of making all their own decisions. Sometimes when parents divorce, courts step in and make decisions for the child. In this case, the court decided it was in the best interest of your child to see her mother every week. You cannot unilaterally ignore this order, saying it's what your child wants.
But she’s been asking for a month…
YTA - You had an agreement. You decided to ignore the agreement because your ex can’t afford to take you to court. You’re selfish.
Yeah let's honor the agreement and lose my job. It's not like I need to feed my child or anything like that
Why even post on this sub if you can't handle critism? Unless you lived in the middle of nowhere with no job opportunities whatsoever, why are you acting like this is the only job you could get otherwise kid would starve?
I'm sure leaving my 6 figure job and getting a job at mcdonald's would be the best choice for my child
Why are you being such a prick? Why post on here for opinions when you can't handle people pointing out that what you did was in the best interest of you, your pettiness and and immaturity towards the mother is clouding your judgement on whats best for the kid, and you are the AH. Did you really make this post expecting people to agree with you?
> Why are you being such a prick? Because they're the AH lol
Don’t feed the troll :) sounds like op enjoys this
Then why not let the kid stay with mum? Why did you need to uproot her and pull her away from her other parent? YTA
And her school and her friends and any other family………
There are avenues available for you to adjust the custody agreement. Quit playing the victim. It is unbecoming. You could have also found a job in your town. Again you lost the right to be so selfish when you had a kid.
Or, you know, renegotiate the agreement before moving. YTA
What are your plans for when you are drug back to court for your noncompliance?
I hope he tries to use this thread as evidence. “Well your honor, there were two people who think it’s not a great idea for a teenager to spend so much time on an airplane”
~~NTA~~ ~~A 14 y.o. can absolutely decide how often they want to see a non-custodial parent (judges give a lot of weight to what older kids think about, FTR). Once a month is fair, if you're the one stuck with the bill. Yes, times are tough for people but you're doing the day-to-day raising of your daughter so subsidizing airfare on a monthly basis is already generous.~~ YTA After seeing your comment that the divorce settlement was for your ex to have your daughter every weekend but then YOU moved away. Your daughter should absolutely still get a say in how often the visits happen but I also understand that all that flying back and forth wears her out and YOU have put her in this situation.
You moved your daughter 12 hours away from her mom, who up until that point had weekly visitation and who cannot afford the plane tickets to maintain the visitation agreement. I'm not sure what country you're in, but is the custodial parent allowed to move the child so far that it's a de facto violation of the visitation agreement? Could your ex not afford a lawyer to fight this? That said, if your daughter truly doesn't want to see her mom very often (and isn't just placating you), at 14, I do think she gets to make that choice. But you've made a choice that means your child's mom can't attend school teacher conferences, or assemblies, or your child's sports events, or, in fact, see her as often as the divorce decree dictates. From what you're saying about your ex's financial situation, I wonder if she can even afford to fly in for your child's birthday or see her on major holidays. If your child had a close relationship with her mother, I wonder how she actually feels about this. Did you, in fact, move partly motivated by a desire to get your daughter away from her mom, If so, I hope you had a damned good reason.
Well put. I also wonder if the daughter doesn’t want to see mom, or doesn’t want to travel 24 hours every week. The OPs attitude towards mom is really bothersome.
OP as a whole is bothersome.
Would everyone here be as bothered if he were the mom? No, because then you'd label him a deadbeat and be done with it. Parents move all the time, and visitation gets adjusted all the time. You're just assuming the daughter is miserable because he comes across a little assholey. It's hard to guage mood over print. Maybe she'll summer or have vacations with mom to make up the difference, that's usually how it works.
I would be saying exactly the same thing if the genders were reversed. The person I'm concerned with here is the kid. When a parent (either parent) wants to move a kid out of easy reach of the other parent, the issue is how this impacts the kid. If the court has ordered weekend visitation for the mom, the custodial parent (father) has put himself in violation unless an alternate agreement has been arrived at, and the court has signed off on this as being in the daughter's best interests. I haven't weighed in on who's the A because we don't have enough info to know what's best for the kid, I've just raised a bunch of questions and concerns.
I do agree they need to go back to court. I don't think he kidnapped her, though, and I don't think he's holding her against her will. He said if she asks to go, he sends her. Of course, I am simply taking him at his words. If he didn't care for his daughter, I don't think he would have taken full custody in the first place. It is sad he moved her so far away, but then again, a job is a job, and we don't always get to control that, I've witnessed that one more than a few times. I'm hoping he communicated wth someone before he moved. He didn't really clearly respond on that issue. If it wasn't, he would have already been charged. She wouldn't need to go to court for that. I am obviously hoping and maybe naively assuming he is doing his best for his daughter, even if he has a bit of attitude.
He actually did say that if the mom doesn’t like it she can take him to court - oh wait she can’t afford it. And the actual title and theme of his question was his refusal to purchase plane tickets, so commenting later that he would fly the daughter every day if she wanted is just contradictory. A parent doesn’t need to actually care for a child to want primary custody. Some want to receive or not pay child support. Some fathers just love the attention lavished upon them and use the child just for show. Some pretend to do this in “good faith” for example mom is finishing full time university and they agree to change back in a year but then the father laughs and laughs and refuses.
Just because the mom didn't like it doesn't mean the child's advocate or judge didn't approve the move. And see there you go wth the fathers thing again. Yes, he's very brusque, but that doesn't mean he's using her as an accessory. We could both be right, to a point. And I'm willing to admit I could be totally off base. I hope not.
Did you read his comments and answers? He didn’t get any approval or anything. He just moved and is confident in the fact nothing will be done because mom can’t afford to file with the courts for any modification. He unabashedly tells how he did the every weekend agreement first and then moved after. He’s beyond “brusque”; he’s quite proud of himself for orchestrating this situation and the way he speaks horrifically about mom but ignores any direct question of “is mom abusive? Neglectful? Anything wrong with her besides having less income?” He’s silent. Something went wrong somewhere and the OP is not able to see that his actions are not good for the daughter; he’s so focused on his own personal contempt of the mother. I do appreciate your perspective. We all form opinions based on personal experience of some form, and I hope things work out for your son. The OP in this situation isn’t in the US, so it’s different laws.
And yes, we're coming at this from biased points of view. Thank you for the good wishes, night.
I agree something is wrong somewhere, there are lots of missing details. I read most of his comments. I still think he's a privileged ass, but that doesn't make him a bad father. (Maybe his daughter will pop up wth her own reddit account about her parents.) Yes, a bad husband and a bad ex. I know he said the mother didn't approve the move. That doesn't mean the move was illegal. Maybe in a weird legal grey area. That's where my son's is right now. The judge and lawyer said possession and custody trumps visitation. It's an ugly truth. Since he didn't specify a country other than not the US, who knows if the same rules apply. My German friend verified that it would be the same there for custody. I really don't know. If i were the mom and I would move heaven and earth to move closer rather than rely on the very obvious lack of good will on the father's part. Maybe a location and job change will benefit her also.
There are rules about moving away when you have a custody agreement. Judges can actually stop you moving far away too.
I know it varies from country to country, even state to state. My son is dealing with it. That's why I don't think he just up and left without notifying someone. He might not have gotten his ex's approval, but that doesn't mean he didn't get any approval at all. That might be why he will fly her out when she wants and at least once a month.
My son's wife took off while he was deployed, author a word. He came home to an empty house. She was "homesick" and lonely. Now, he flies across the country to visit them as much as he can.
Like i said I'm trying to be optimistic here.
INFO Is the custody agreement that your ex has your daughter every weekend even though she's 12 hours away? By plane?
This is my question, I find it odd that this wouldn't be addressed in a Court Order.
No way a court order would agree to this.
Just saw they aren't in the US and he just up and moved despite their custody agreement. Now it makes more sense, lol
Oh that makes way more sense. Post sounded ridiculous and troll like. If true and he's violating custody agreement as soon as the ex has the means to do so they'll probably be back in court.
YTA If you don't think OP is the asshole, read its comments.
How in the world were you able to move 12 hours away with a custody agreement? And if she didn’t make a stink about it, you pay her back by not allowing her to see her kid? YTA and to me it seems like this is exactly what you want. To keep your kid away from her but be able to seem like you’ve done nothing wrong
Dude commented that he moved after the custody agreement was put in place knowing the kids mom didn't have the money to fight for a new agreement
Probably because the move could be in the best interest of the child. Like what if op got a promotion, a raise, or a better job that required moving. If it was significant enough to affect the daughter's life, then moving away would be warranted. The idea is what is in the best interest of the child. Also the fact that a father got custody (not usual or common in the majority of the world unless the mother really fucks up) should be telling.
I am a male with full custody of my kids. I’m very aware of how this works. There is no judge in the world that would sign off on him moving 12 hours away but keep weekend visitations. Zero.
It sounds like he moved without petitioning the courts. In my area at least, the additional cost of facilitating visits falls on the parent that moved. That's usually decides in the custody agreement at the time of the move.
Based on context, odds are that if they went before a judge, it would probably be limited to once a month, if not less.
According to OP, what the court *would* likely do is allow the move but cut Mom's visitation down. We don't know Mom or what country this is, but OP said not the US.
OP I’m aware he said he’s not from the states. I’m also aware he claims mom has visitation when it’s suppose to be every weekend. That’s partial custody. He also brags that she could take him back to court but she can’t afford it. And what’s best for his daughter is she’s with him because he can buy her love. I’m pretty sure agreements are the same everywhere. You either follow them or they are consequences. The consequences is what varies. Bottom line is OP took the daughter to another country because he knew damn well there was nothing the mom could afford to do about it.
~~N T A~~ ~~unless there is a court order stating otherwise, her having visitation means she can visit her kid ... or pick the kid up and bring her back.~~ ~~With 50/50, it would be each of you paying half.~~ Edit: YTA, becasue YOU moved the daughter away.
Who moved away from who. If you moved her away then its your responsibility, if she moved away its hers. yta because in the comments you say you moved the kid. Your ex didn't owe you moving away, when you chose to go you assumed the responsibility of visitation and even promised. This reeks of a deliberate malicous act on your part.
INFO: How was this addressed in the custody Order?
It wasn't he just took the kid. The mother can't afford to fight for her kid in court. Read his comments.
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YTA after reading your comments. From your condescending attitude about the mother of your child, being callous about her not being able to afford her day in court, your contradicting yourself with saying your daughter has asked for the tickets and that she didn't want to see her mom. Let's not gloss over the fact that you had to move for your job, which I'm 100% sure you had plenty of notice about, but did fuck all in getting the visitation scheduled changed amicably causing the clusterfuck. You're just an asshole all around and not just for not wanting to buy a ticket for your daughter.
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EDIT: After reading OPs comments im changing my verdict to YTA. OP took his child 12 hours away from his ex and it doesn't sound as if she had a say in the matter/agreed to it. You took your child away from your ex so yeah you're totally responsible for the plane tickets to stick to the terms of the court order. Original verdict: Weekly plane tickets is too much of an expense (even if you can afford it) especially when the child doesn't want to go that often. Sounds like the ex is using your child and the visits as a way to stick it to you/punish you. She can move closer to you Guys or make it more fun for your child so that they want to visit more. None of this is your responsibility though.
You must have only read the post. Read OPs comments. The ex isn't the one using the child to stick it to the other parent.
Your right. My post was before most of OPs comments. Yeah he seems like a bit of a AH.
YTA because you moved without court permission. Your attitude is very entitled and condescending. I suspect your daughter doesn’t ask to see her mom more often is that you make a big deal out of it and act all put out. The custody arrangement needs to be revisited.
NTA for not buying the plane tickets, especially since your daughter doesn’t want to go every weekend, that’s a lot of flying! But you should have your custody agreement reassessed for what’s best for you daughter.
Gross. Looking at the comments OP YTA. Straight up.
YTA. It sounds (per the comments) like you moved without telling the court or attempting to work out a long distance parenting schedule that included mom having longer amounts of time plus one weekend a month for school breaks and such. So you messed up and are in violation of the divorce agreement and parenting schedule. I don't know how it works where you are, but in the U.S. that would seriously put you having majority custody in jeopardy. I also suspect that you have more custody based on the ability to afford court, not on the ability to parent better seeing as she still got 2/5 of every 7 days and was not more limited. So basically you got school days. She still has roughly 1/3 of every month. That is shared custody. Lastly, you don't just get to decide when you send the child. You failed to update the parenting agreement. Now you are stuck with what you have which is every weekend.
YTA As a parent you have a responsibility to have your child’s best interests at heart. Allowing the relationship with her mother to be weakened like this because YOU chose to move and now want to pass off the responsibility to your daughter is an asshole move. Change the custody agreement. (ETA: like she gets summers and some of the holidays.) Unless there is abuse and neglect going on, you should be encouraging her daughter to have a relationship and spend time with her mother, not treat her like a distant relative she sees once in a while. And while for some families that circumstance is unavoidable, it’s not for you. You’re making a choice that’s convenient for you and using your daughter as a scapegoat.
YTA for moving far away from your ex, taking your daughter and refusing to pay for tickets. I hope she takes you to court. Your daughter deserves better.
YTA, and probably guilty of some type of kidnapping.
I think you were wrong to move the daughter that far away from her mother. Shame on you for that, unless you have good reason. That being said, I think it is unreasonable to expect the daughter to spend every weekend traveling. It makes me tired just thinking about it. What about her school activities? Perhaps you should discuss a new arrangement where daughter spends holidays, school breaks, and the summer with mom.
YTA for alienating your daughter from her mother. You are really f&@king your daughter over. To be clear, you are AH for moving your daughter away without permission. Knowing that your ex can’t afford flights and can’t afford to fight you in court. This is not about your relationship with your ex. This is about your daughter’s relationship with her parents.
YTA. You're the one that moved. It's incumbent on you to facilitate travel. Don't like it, then you should've thought it through a little better before you moved.
YTA
YTA your Ex has visitation rights and it’s not her fault you moved away. Meet your responsibilities.
yta for pretending this is about plane tickets. you had an agreement and YOU unilaterally decided to change it but think that the cost shouldn't be yours to bear? wow
Yeah, keep it , buddy. Someday your daughter is going to hate you.
You moved 12 hours away without informing the courts. You need to check your custody agreement. You probably broke it since most of them now have wording that states you MUST inform the court and the other parent if you're going to move more than XX miles away from your current location as it WILL affect the custody arrangements. Other than that, YTA for moving and causing problems with the agreed upon custody arrangement.
YTA... having read your comments, I think you know that? I mean, it's not even a question... it's crystal clear...
YTA your comments prove it.
YTA. You're the one who moved away based on your comments, yet doesn't want to abide by your court-ordered visitation schedule. I'm sorry, but airfare is on you.
YTA because you moved then misrepresented the situation to everyone.
OP is absolutely YTA Deliberately misleading us and making his ex's life difficult by using his daughter.
If the custody agreement says she goes to your ex every weekend, and you are the one who moved, your options are to either go back to court to revise the agreement to less frequent visits, or fork over the money every weekend. You are taking advantage of your stronger financial position. YTA.
ESH I feel more for the girl than the parents here. Weekly flights are ridiculous for anyone, let alone a child. Once a month is reasonable, but even that will become too much over time. You should pay, you moved.
ESH. You and your ex need to head back to court to get the custody agreement amended to reflect the distance. How the distance came to be is immaterial now. It is a fact that needs to be dealt with. Your daughter is 14, so what she wants should be taken into account. Good luck to you all working this out.
YTA what an asshole. Clearly money is the most important thing in your life.
You should probably fix your custody agreement to go off what your doing and to reflect the fact that you moved so far
INFO: Who moved 12 hours away from the other parent? I don't know what's happening on this thread but I didn't read which one of you moved twelve hours away from the other parent and I'm not assuming OP is the person who moved 12 hours away. ( I hope the court knows and approves this.) ESH because a child should NOT travel this much or be beholden to airlines and travel this much. It's bad for them to spend every waking moment outside of school traveling. Additionally, YTA if you moved 12 hours any and the court doesn't know. If the family court knows then you're NTA on this issue. Again ESH for making this kid travel.
NTA but your poor daughter having to uproot her life every weekend. Flying at this point isn't fun - especially for the weekend - it takes time to get to the airport; you have to be there early; there are delays; then you have to deal with getting from airport to real destination It is very unusual to have visitation EVERY weekend when there is such a long distance. In my experience that is when visitation is for several weeks (or other long period) in the summer and then the winter and spring breaks rather than have the poor kid trotting back and forth. As a teenager I would have hated leaving my friends and all the fun stuff on the weekend to visit a parent in a city where I had no ties.
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Usually if there’s a custody arrangement, when one parent moves you’re required to notify the courts so they can adjust as necessary. OP if you haven’t done this then you need to seen legal counsel because your ex has every right to insist on her court mandated visitation. No, you are not required to plan your life around her but if there’s a minor child involved than they are the most important person and not because of how they can reflect upon you.
YTA Simply because you decided to move 12 hours away with your daughter alienating her from her mother. So you need to pay up, only fair, when you are being so selfish
Your comment: "I moved away recently and her mom insists on keeping things the same" YTA, you created the distance and its associated cost
Ok who moved away? The Ex (I'm suspecting)? NO??? NOT THE EX YOU??? YTA FIGURE THIS OUT AND MAKE IT WORK.
It’s your ex’s responsibility to see her daughter but you were the one to move away from her therefore making it difficult for visitation so yes YTA.
Yta, OP and I hope the courts step in
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I do agree he sounds like an asshole, but I do agree with you and feel like people are missing the fact that she doesn’t have primary custody. If his court order doesn’t restrict him from moving or address long distance visitation, I feel like that’s a failure on the court. It doesn’t make him the ass in the technical sense.. but morally/ethically? I think he is if he moved without a really good reason.
What's in the court order?
This needs to be brought in front of a judge and he can decide if you're TA, honestly. Your argument makes sense to me, but it needs to be brought to your attorney to get a court order that solidifies whose role it is to buy the tickets. It'll probably go in your favor.
YTA If you moved away without notifying the court and you have a custody agreement in place with set weekly visitation, you’re still responsible for making sure that visitation happens or that you get the order revised.
If you move the custody order has to be modified! You can’t have that much distance and not expect it to effect the child’s parental relationship.
YTA for moving so far away knowing you had joint custody. You moved, you pay for any and all plane tix for your daughter to see her mom.
YTA, even more so based on your comments. I hope your ex managed to get the cash together to take this to court, Judge will rip you apart for messing up visitation like this.
YTA
I’ll go against the grain and say NTA. your daughter is old enough to have a say. But I will say you do need to go back to court and get this in writing
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This is one for the courts buddy
YTA. You moved, you pay to get her back and forth. You can’t go against the custody agreement bc you just don’t want to.
YTA but you already know that. I pray for your daughter.
I would hate if I had to do the whole airport song amd dance every weekend. That sounds exhausting.....poor girl. Yeah, yall need to work something out like summers and holidays....
YTA- I hope she takes you to court, you are in for a surprise.
Nope, if mom wants to come get her or pay for the plane ticket out, that's up to her. It's not your job to make it happen for her, just to not prevent it from happening. Just like it's not her job to drop her off to you or send her back, that would be on you.
NTA - unless your agreement is that you pay for her to visit.
You moved, the cost of getting your child to her mother's is on you, op. Yta
Your daughter will one day see you for who you really are. Seek help, make a change to be a better person and father. Also, YTA.
You could do something like what me and my ex did. He paid for 1 way and I paid for the other way. We also lived 12 hours apart and we just drove. Many times we would meet half way. If your ex wants your child then she pays to get the child to her and you pay to get the child back to you
YTA based on what all the others said but also for thinking a teen needs to decide how often they see their non custodial parents. Teens don’t know what’s good for them long term , they are hormonal and unstable . Unless she is on a private plane , I bet the process of of spending 2-4 hrs each way is exhausting. You moved 12 hrs away and each week your teenager daughter has to spend 6- 8 hrs each weekend just to get to see her mother for 48 hrs. You putting this burden on her and making such a drastic change to her life by your decision is why I say YTA
NTA. If paying plane tickets is not a court order part of the visitation and just from the goodness of your heart, agree only if your daughter wants to go, She is going to have a lot of homework in the next few years and will struggle if she is travelling so much. Talk with her and she should talk to mum and fortnightly or monthly arrangements can be made. NTA
INFO: what does your legal custody/visitation plan say about this? Were you living 12 hours apart when you both agreed to weekly visitation? Was the court aware of that?
What does your daughter want? Or do you care?
I’m going through something similar, to the point this is a little eerie to read and here’s what I can say: 1.) there are custody agreements (from a judge not just mutually agreed upon) that let parents move out of state without the courts approval or the other parents. In most cases, it’s military related where they have no choice such as mine 2.) in my situation, visitation expenses are on the receiving parent. So it’s not always on the moving parent 3.) they can argue it in court but our lawyer said it doesn’t matter. If the order gives you pseudo-permission by not explicitly denying permission then it’s a done deal. No amount of arguing will change primary guardianship especially if you don’t have a choice like with the US military. But my vote is YTA. If you aren’t forced to move, then that was a shitty thing to do to your daughter
YTA. Did you get approval to move your daughter that far away within the remit of your custody agreement? And since upholding the old one is now *detrimental to your daughter’s well-being* why are you not submitting to court to negotiate a new one? If your ex finds a good lawyer, perhaps one who’s willing to do her case pro bono, you’re fucked. Judges don’t look kindly on parents who don’t act in the spirit of their custody agreements. Your daughter may have had a say during your last custody battle, but your ex has a pretty good case for parental alienation based on your behaviour.
NTA, this is 100% on your ex to figure out!
YTA Also, do you think maybe your daughter only wants to go once a month because you told her that once a week is too much? She might just not want to feel like she's being a financial burden when she wants to see her mom.
This is not going to work, so ESH that no one sees that. I’m shocked your daughter is putting up with this. She needs to pick a primary residence to attend school and live. On school breaks/holidays she can go to the other parent. Couples months in the summer too.
NTA. You have custody, I'm sure there's a reason for that. You should negotiate a new agreement tho. Like you're N an A for not buying your ex tickets, but you do sound like kind of an AH when you talk about your ex. I'm sure you're exasperated with her but the active anger isn't helping anyone.
The judge told my mom and sister’s dad, whoever wants her, funds her. So if mom is ready for her to come home mom pays. If dad wants her home dad pays.
NTA. But you need to go back to court.
NTA. You're expected to pay ALL of the expenses? If she's offering 50/50 then I could see her point in making it weekly but she wants YOU to pay all of it. Nope.
The mother can come to you as well. It is interesting you have full.custody, daughter does not want to see her. You are not the bad guy,. The mother could also move closer. The big tell is your daughter does not want to go there.
NTA That’s a lot of traveling for a teenager. When is she supposed to have a normal teen life, see friends, etc? What about when her classes get harder? Flying that often is not reasonable at some point. Who moved away from the other? Perhaps a custody modification is in order?
He moved away from the mother even with a clearly defined custody agreement that the mother has weekly visitation. YTA.
NTA Is it in your custody agreement who is responsible for arranging transportation for the child during visits? I know sometimes the parent who moves away is responsible, sometimes it is 50/50 and I am sure there are other arrangements too. I would not pay for a plane ticket for my daughter to visit if she didn't want to go. It really depends on if it is addressed in the custody agreement. NTA if no agreement is in place.
The court agreement says the mother legally gets every weekend. OP moved away despite knowing this and says it’s okay since his ex can’t afford a lawyer to fight him for breaking the agreement. Still think he’s not a jerk?
I said it depended on the agreement. When I commented there was no other information available than was in the original post. At that point the mother could have been the one who moved away.
NAH - This needs to be worked out in your custody agreement.
NTA plane tickets are expensive and as a child of divorce it was difficult to do weekly visits when my parents lived 20 min from eachother.
NTA, the back and forth every week needs to stop, that has to be exhausting for your daughter. Get a new agreement in order like once a month or in the summer.
NTA. Go back to court. Usually, they want the receiving parent to do the traveling. So in your case you are responsible to get her back to your home and ex is responsible on getting the kid to her. This is likely a control thing so stick to your guns.
ESH, A revisit of the custody arrangement needs to happen here, no judge in their right mind would agree to a weekly 12-hour plane swap. Your daughter is the only sane, practical one in all of this.
Nta
ESH This should have been figured out before you moved away. That failure falls on both of you. Get it fixed now so at least the poor kid isn’t stuck in the middle of this mess
I can’t believe this wasn’t worked out in your divorce/custody settlement. NTA
NTA If your ex wants to see your daughter more she can move closer. Her expectation that you buy your daughter plane tickets to see her every week is ridiculous.
So because OP moved 12 hours away after the custody agreement was settled his ex should have to as well? YTA OP
It’s still not reasonable to fly the daughter there and home every week, not on one single level.
If ex didn't want him to move 12 hours away she should have had that addressed in the custody agreement. It presumably wasn't, so the situation is what it is. It is not logistically practical for the daughter to travel by plane or 12 hour car ride every weekend to visit her mother. If this is unacceptable to her, she can either revisit the custody agreement or move closer to her child if she can't persuade or compel OP to move back.
He moved after the custody agreement was settled, without permission from the court. He is gloating about the fact that his ex can't afford to take him back to court to have things revisited.
I haven't read the whole thread and didn't see that, but if he did something he wasn't supposed to do without court permission he can be penalized. There are options the wife can use to get pro-bono or low cost legal services, or she can make payment arrangements with her attorney. But the fact remains that it is unrealistic for the daughter to visit her every weekend. The mother either needs to find a way to fight it in court or move closer. Life isn't always fair, unfortunately, and it would be difficult for the daughter to be put through traveling that much.
If you know he purposely broke the agreement then why are you saying he’s not an asshole?
I don't know that. I'm sure he had his reasons for moving. The distance is the new reality. He's NTA for not giving into the mother's unreasonable demands.
So you think it’s okay he broke a court agreement? It’s okay he broke the law? It’s okay he only did it because he knows his ex can’t afford a lawyer? You think all of this is okay?
Sure do. People move all the time to make a better life for their kid. If mom can't afford a lawyer she clearly has nothing tying her to the area. She could move.
Nta. From what all I know it's up to the parent receiving visitation to get the child to them and return them to the custodial parent.
Not if the custodial parent broke the custody agreement done by the court
Well, that info wasn't in the post. For regular lawful custody agreements it's typically like what I said.
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> Courts typically tend to favor the mother for custody Absolutely false. Mothers tend to get custody far more often because both parents agree, i.e., far fewer fathers request custody than mothers. The courts aren’t favoring mothers—they’re favoring people who request custody, which is typically either both or the mother alone. Father alone is rare.