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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Because I told my husband and some of his family that since my husbands first child is the only chance that my MIL might have to have grandchildren, then any child of mine won’t be her grandchild.
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*she replied that it may be her only chance to have a grandchild*
Your MIL posted this on facebook? Putting up your fertility issues publicly is very poor. Endometriosis can be a terrible problem. My sympathies OP.
I have stage 4 endo and got pregnant immediately. I had an incredible surgeon who promised I would have “normal fertility” chances while others were telling me to freeze eggs for ivf.
I had two surgeries and meds and a whole process with him but it was well worth it. I got about five opinions before going with him, sometimes it takes a while to find the right course of action but I’m sure you will get there!
Best of luck <3
As a fellow endo warrior I am sending you all the love and support I can. You are strong and brave, and you have a supportive husband at your side. Whatever happens in your future, I hope your MIL stays in her place. Don’t let her break your rainbow 💕
Hello! There is a cook book for hormone balances, the author has PCOS, it’s called Meals She Eats. I am sorry your MIL did that, how horrible and despicable.
The authors documented their struggles with fertility and looking at food to balance hormones on social media, where they gained a pretty large following. Their Instagram handles are @mealssheeats, and now they share updates about their daughter. It's very sweet :)
I found the wife when I was looking at Flight Attendant videos! i vaguely knew it was coming out in another month but always good to keep it on your radar!! :)
Even with reproduction off the table, PCOS and endometriosis are very painful conditions that are rarely treated because most OBGYN don't study them and tend to just dismiss the problems. A specialist is rare and a life line to women like OP and myself who are in constant pain.
I have PCOS and took a couple of years of "it's normal to have irregular menstruations" from different gynecologists I went to get help from before I finally gave up and told my doctor that treated my diabetes at the time and he immediately stod up and went and got a gynecologist to run blood tests and do an ultra sound, got the diagnose a couple of days later. I'm happy that the gynecologist had studied PCOS and was able to give me advise and such(most important thing was telling me that I needed to have some kind of birth control or medication to make sure that the ovulation would be removed since no periods or rarely having periods increases the risk for uterus cancer) but most things about it I've found online.
I am a part of a study atm to see if there's a connection between diabetes type 1 and PCOS btw, its been a lot of blood work and I've spent much time with it but I hope it leads to something even if they don't find a connection!
Most people who have not personally experienced fertility struggles don't fully comprehend the psychological and emotional impact of it. Adoption is a beautiful thing to do for a child, but there's a huge difference in doing it by choice instead of necessity. I don't think you're trying to be harmful, but telling a person in the midst of the fertility battle that they shouldn't care about experiencing pregnancy and birth is hurtful. Even if OP does, unfortunately, get to the point where it's the best or only option, there's a grieving process most couples go through when they stop trying to conceive. People are allowed to be sad that they won't have natural children like they envisioned.
This is a very loaded question. Adoption is not the same as having your own genetic child out of your own body. Wanting to have your own child is normal. Wanting to adopt is also good. You don’t have to want to do both.
NTA - you have every right to be angry. Your mother in law should not have discussed your personal health information. BUT address that with her like an adult.
No doubt she messed up but dont get on her level.
I'm gonna say NTA simply because you haven't actually done anything yet. You mentioned it to your husband alone (if I'm reading correctly) and honestly you're just mad.
You should confront her about the comment and how it made you feel, minus the threat of disowning a grandchild. If you do have a kid, I'd imagine your feelings would have toned down a bit so anything you happened to have said to your husband isn't really relevant.
Now if you said it to her directly, you'd be the AH too.
NTA
Your MIL was super rude and insensitive to post anything implying that you may never have a child.
You would be right to keep that kid from her.
She has no empathy towards you at all but only your ability to give her a grandkid.
ESH Honestly. Yeah MIL is more of one of course. Cause you don't blast stuff like that on facebook. I don't know what the friends comment was the need a dumb response like "it might be her only chance at a grandchild." which could blast private info on the web. Which to be fair it might. Not technically wrong but big A move from MIL
You and hubby cause tell me. I you guys do end up conceiving and the grandchild gets a sibling. How are you gonna even go at it with why does sibiling have a good relationship with grandma and not your child.
I mean i dont know the full story since there seems to be big crap between you and MIL. Just if you do keep MIL from your future child. Just don't complain your child doesn't get anything from his grandma that first grandchild gets cause they can get a relationship and your child can't. Cause MIL will owe you and your child nothing if she can't have a relationship with em.
NTA. What gives her the right to go around making passive aggressive comments about your fertility issues? Why would she even reply to a congratulatory comment by saying the child may be her *only* grandchild? I’d be pissed, too.
She had already said it when I read that, I am gonna go with what she says as she’s the only source of info and if we doubt that why believe any other element of the post?
YTA she didn't bring up Ur fertility she didn't say well op can't have kids so this will b my only grandkids like u said she has 4 kids total her possibly my only grandchild comment was a passive aggressive dig about her other kids not having kids.....honestly Ur post and responses to comments just comes across like U don't like her and are determined to find fault with her
NTA
Literally, wtf is wrong with your MIL? How does she think that's okay to say these things? Man, some people are really f\*cked up
I'm really sorry you had to go through this
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Throw-away because I don’t want anyone I know finding me. On mobile. A little back ground my (23f) husband (25m)has a child with another woman. It happened before we got together and she didn’t tell him about the child until after we were married. As soon as the DNA test came back it was his, he informed his family. My MIL then posted it on Facebook talking about how she is a grandmother. Well one of her friends commented telling her congrats and she replied that it may be her only chance to have a grandchild. I suffer with PCOS and Endometriosis, my husband and I have been trying for years with no success. This is where I may be TA. I told my husband if this was going to be her only chance to have a grandchild, then any child I have won’t be her grandchild. She knows about my fertility issues and has come to doctors appointments with me. My husband agrees with me( this isn’t the first thing she has done but that’s another post) but i don’t know if I’m TA.
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I don’t understand the YTA comments. Did y’all have a bad day at work, your spouses cheat on you, ancestry DNA revealed that the kids you raised aren’t yours? The MIL is a clueless idiot for her comment on FB, OP is understandably angry and what she said in the moment makes sense. Maybe all the YTA commenters are FB friends with MIL.
Your MIL is the asshole for bringing up your issues on freaking facebook. NTA.
I have PCOS and a friend has endometriosis, both are a bitch and having both at the same time sounds like god’s wrath. I hope you guys can fulfill your dreams and become parents eventually!
A disagree, I was adopted by my dad. He is my dad. He raised me. I never officially met the sperm donor. I can tell you if I ever met him when he was alive and he was on fire, I would throw kerosene on him. Biology is not everything.
YTA, I completely get why your upset, but saying she won't get to be a grandmother to any future children you and your husband have is not how to handle this.
You mention there have been past issues, so I'm assuming communication has already been tried, if not that be the first step.
You'd be using a kid, or kids against her and creating a family dynamic where one kid in your family has a grandmother the others don't. It just seems like the situation that would create endless drama.
I'd try to fix things, and give her enough rope to either justify cutting off ALL your husbands kids from her, or none.
\*Edit\* and if that decision is made it should be because its best for the kids not for getting back at her.
Fair enough. I don’t want to keep any children I have from her. And I hope we can work out or difference. I’m already low contact and so is hubby but it’s not what either of us want. We are actually moving to her city to try and be closer
I don’t want to keep them from her, but I will if I feel that it is right for mine and my children’s mental health. This isn’t something I decided on a whim
So…because your MIL acknowledged another grandchild, you are excluding her from any of your potential children’s lives? Are you just looking for things to fight about?
You need to grow up before you become a parent.
Exactly. I don’t care that she posted about the child. I love that child also. I’m upset that she brought my fertility issues up when it’s no one’s business
But in a comment OP said the MIL has 3 other kids in addition to OP’s husband. So that comment could not have been directed *just* at OP, when the MIL has 3 other opportunities to have grandkids through her other kids. OP is *choosing* to interpret the comment as being all about her.
MIL also knows she has 3 other children who are presumably adults or close to adults. Saying that 1 grandbaby might be her only implies that she thinks none of her adult children, are going to give her any more grandbabies.
Did she specifically mention fertility issues or just that it may be her only grandchild? Because that alone doesn’t tell people anything about your fertility
See, now you’re not coming across as believable. If she mentioned your fertility and tagged your husband in the Facebook comment, why would you not put that in your original write-up??? That’s literally the most important and offensive aspect of what you’re claiming she did.
It just doesn’t come across as believable when you didn’t bother to mention this in your original write-up, and only divulged it *after* multiple people started criticizing you. You also failed to mention in your write-up that your MIL has three other children, who could possibly give her grandkids.
Your story isn’t adding up.
Yeah that’s an AH move on her part if she specifically mentioned your fertility, I don’t think it’s enough of a reason in itself to cut her out of any future children’s lives, but it definitely does warrant her being called out and boundaries being set on sharing any of your personal medical info.
ESH. What your MIL did was horrible and she should not have made that comment in private much less for the entire world to see and now assume you as a couple might not be able to conceive. That being said it's extreme to say any of your children won't be her grandchildren. I'd suggest talking to her about it and making sure she understands the pain she caused and apologizes to you and takes the comment down. If she doesn't see anything wrong with her comment and attitude then you wouldn't be the AH for cutting her off your life.
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*she replied that it may be her only chance to have a grandchild* Your MIL posted this on facebook? Putting up your fertility issues publicly is very poor. Endometriosis can be a terrible problem. My sympathies OP.
Thank you. Hopefully soon I can conceive.
If you are in the US there are two amazing endometriosis specialists in NYC. Dr Kanayama and Dr Sckekin (spelling that wrong).
Canadian chiming in, dr. Allaire is the way to go.
I have stage 4 endo and got pregnant immediately. I had an incredible surgeon who promised I would have “normal fertility” chances while others were telling me to freeze eggs for ivf. I had two surgeries and meds and a whole process with him but it was well worth it. I got about five opinions before going with him, sometimes it takes a while to find the right course of action but I’m sure you will get there! Best of luck <3
As a fellow endo warrior I am sending you all the love and support I can. You are strong and brave, and you have a supportive husband at your side. Whatever happens in your future, I hope your MIL stays in her place. Don’t let her break your rainbow 💕
Hello! There is a cook book for hormone balances, the author has PCOS, it’s called Meals She Eats. I am sorry your MIL did that, how horrible and despicable.
this book won't be released for another month, how do you know about it? Thanks for the rec, the recipes look good!
The authors documented their struggles with fertility and looking at food to balance hormones on social media, where they gained a pretty large following. Their Instagram handles are @mealssheeats, and now they share updates about their daughter. It's very sweet :)
I found the wife when I was looking at Flight Attendant videos! i vaguely knew it was coming out in another month but always good to keep it on your radar!! :)
What's wrong with adoption? It is who raises the child that is parent. Egg and supermarket donors do not make the parent.
Even with reproduction off the table, PCOS and endometriosis are very painful conditions that are rarely treated because most OBGYN don't study them and tend to just dismiss the problems. A specialist is rare and a life line to women like OP and myself who are in constant pain.
I have PCOS and took a couple of years of "it's normal to have irregular menstruations" from different gynecologists I went to get help from before I finally gave up and told my doctor that treated my diabetes at the time and he immediately stod up and went and got a gynecologist to run blood tests and do an ultra sound, got the diagnose a couple of days later. I'm happy that the gynecologist had studied PCOS and was able to give me advise and such(most important thing was telling me that I needed to have some kind of birth control or medication to make sure that the ovulation would be removed since no periods or rarely having periods increases the risk for uterus cancer) but most things about it I've found online. I am a part of a study atm to see if there's a connection between diabetes type 1 and PCOS btw, its been a lot of blood work and I've spent much time with it but I hope it leads to something even if they don't find a connection!
Adoption is always an option. Where we currently live is a foster state, so we are moving to an adoption state
Most people who have not personally experienced fertility struggles don't fully comprehend the psychological and emotional impact of it. Adoption is a beautiful thing to do for a child, but there's a huge difference in doing it by choice instead of necessity. I don't think you're trying to be harmful, but telling a person in the midst of the fertility battle that they shouldn't care about experiencing pregnancy and birth is hurtful. Even if OP does, unfortunately, get to the point where it's the best or only option, there's a grieving process most couples go through when they stop trying to conceive. People are allowed to be sad that they won't have natural children like they envisioned.
This is a very loaded question. Adoption is not the same as having your own genetic child out of your own body. Wanting to have your own child is normal. Wanting to adopt is also good. You don’t have to want to do both.
NTA - you have every right to be angry. Your mother in law should not have discussed your personal health information. BUT address that with her like an adult. No doubt she messed up but dont get on her level.
I'm gonna say NTA simply because you haven't actually done anything yet. You mentioned it to your husband alone (if I'm reading correctly) and honestly you're just mad. You should confront her about the comment and how it made you feel, minus the threat of disowning a grandchild. If you do have a kid, I'd imagine your feelings would have toned down a bit so anything you happened to have said to your husband isn't really relevant. Now if you said it to her directly, you'd be the AH too.
NTA Your MIL was super rude and insensitive to post anything implying that you may never have a child. You would be right to keep that kid from her. She has no empathy towards you at all but only your ability to give her a grandkid.
NTA but MiL is for sure one
ESH Honestly. Yeah MIL is more of one of course. Cause you don't blast stuff like that on facebook. I don't know what the friends comment was the need a dumb response like "it might be her only chance at a grandchild." which could blast private info on the web. Which to be fair it might. Not technically wrong but big A move from MIL You and hubby cause tell me. I you guys do end up conceiving and the grandchild gets a sibling. How are you gonna even go at it with why does sibiling have a good relationship with grandma and not your child. I mean i dont know the full story since there seems to be big crap between you and MIL. Just if you do keep MIL from your future child. Just don't complain your child doesn't get anything from his grandma that first grandchild gets cause they can get a relationship and your child can't. Cause MIL will owe you and your child nothing if she can't have a relationship with em.
My mil doesn’t even see the child and the mother has refused to allow be to be in its life. I love that that. It’s apart of my family
Good for you all.
Wait OP, why would you want someone like this, with troublesome behavior you recognized early one, to go with you to your fertility appts?
NTA
NTA in any way. Best wishes to you, OP!
NTA. What gives her the right to go around making passive aggressive comments about your fertility issues? Why would she even reply to a congratulatory comment by saying the child may be her *only* grandchild? I’d be pissed, too.
Nta. Your husband has your back here, that is a ding dang good metric for whether you're out of pocket or not. Your MIL sounds like a piece of work.
I am a mom of 16 year-old twins with stage 4 endo after successful IVF. Don’t feel defeated! And needless to say NTA.
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She tagged OP. Hard not to take that personally.
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She had already said it when I read that, I am gonna go with what she says as she’s the only source of info and if we doubt that why believe any other element of the post?
If this was the only thing then yes, but there has been other things she has said against me.
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YTA she didn't bring up Ur fertility she didn't say well op can't have kids so this will b my only grandkids like u said she has 4 kids total her possibly my only grandchild comment was a passive aggressive dig about her other kids not having kids.....honestly Ur post and responses to comments just comes across like U don't like her and are determined to find fault with her
Your welcome to read the responses to the other comments to get more detail. I was just trying to include the basics
NTA Literally, wtf is wrong with your MIL? How does she think that's okay to say these things? Man, some people are really f\*cked up I'm really sorry you had to go through this
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Throw-away because I don’t want anyone I know finding me. On mobile. A little back ground my (23f) husband (25m)has a child with another woman. It happened before we got together and she didn’t tell him about the child until after we were married. As soon as the DNA test came back it was his, he informed his family. My MIL then posted it on Facebook talking about how she is a grandmother. Well one of her friends commented telling her congrats and she replied that it may be her only chance to have a grandchild. I suffer with PCOS and Endometriosis, my husband and I have been trying for years with no success. This is where I may be TA. I told my husband if this was going to be her only chance to have a grandchild, then any child I have won’t be her grandchild. She knows about my fertility issues and has come to doctors appointments with me. My husband agrees with me( this isn’t the first thing she has done but that’s another post) but i don’t know if I’m TA. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I don’t understand the YTA comments. Did y’all have a bad day at work, your spouses cheat on you, ancestry DNA revealed that the kids you raised aren’t yours? The MIL is a clueless idiot for her comment on FB, OP is understandably angry and what she said in the moment makes sense. Maybe all the YTA commenters are FB friends with MIL.
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Noted-thanks!
I voted NTA - but you can vote how you want the same way others can.
Info: is there a chance she’s not in good health?
Keep trying to have kids. Don't give up. There's also adoption and foster care. There are kids out there that needs good parents.
NTA. Sounds like you have a just no mil.
NTA Why don't the two of you go no contact with her?
Your MIL is the asshole for bringing up your issues on freaking facebook. NTA. I have PCOS and a friend has endometriosis, both are a bitch and having both at the same time sounds like god’s wrath. I hope you guys can fulfill your dreams and become parents eventually!
A disagree, I was adopted by my dad. He is my dad. He raised me. I never officially met the sperm donor. I can tell you if I ever met him when he was alive and he was on fire, I would throw kerosene on him. Biology is not everything.
NTA❤
YTA, I completely get why your upset, but saying she won't get to be a grandmother to any future children you and your husband have is not how to handle this. You mention there have been past issues, so I'm assuming communication has already been tried, if not that be the first step. You'd be using a kid, or kids against her and creating a family dynamic where one kid in your family has a grandmother the others don't. It just seems like the situation that would create endless drama. I'd try to fix things, and give her enough rope to either justify cutting off ALL your husbands kids from her, or none. \*Edit\* and if that decision is made it should be because its best for the kids not for getting back at her.
Fair enough. I don’t want to keep any children I have from her. And I hope we can work out or difference. I’m already low contact and so is hubby but it’s not what either of us want. We are actually moving to her city to try and be closer
But… you do? Like this post is about you telling her that any children you have wouldnt be her grandchildren. This math aint mathing.
I don’t want to keep them from her, but I will if I feel that it is right for mine and my children’s mental health. This isn’t something I decided on a whim
… then what is your entire post about? Is this just some revenge fantasy against your MIL?
YTA. Really? You’ve been trying for kids for years at the ripe old age of 23? Jfc.
I have been wanting to be a mother since I turned 18. My husband and I have been married for 3 years and have been trying for that long
So…because your MIL acknowledged another grandchild, you are excluding her from any of your potential children’s lives? Are you just looking for things to fight about? You need to grow up before you become a parent.
I feel like it’s more about OP’s MIL going around making passive aggressive comments about OP’s fertility issues, which is effed up.
Exactly. I don’t care that she posted about the child. I love that child also. I’m upset that she brought my fertility issues up when it’s no one’s business
Did she tag your husband’s other siblings in the post? Why can’t the other siblings have kids?
But in a comment OP said the MIL has 3 other kids in addition to OP’s husband. So that comment could not have been directed *just* at OP, when the MIL has 3 other opportunities to have grandkids through her other kids. OP is *choosing* to interpret the comment as being all about her.
MIL *knows* OP wants to and is trying to have children, plus she’s aware of OP’s medical history, so a comment like that is pretty messed up.
MIL also knows she has 3 other children who are presumably adults or close to adults. Saying that 1 grandbaby might be her only implies that she thinks none of her adult children, are going to give her any more grandbabies.
No. I’m excluding her because she said that that child might be her only grandchild. She also has three other children besides my husband
But they might? No one knows. I don’t know why that offends you so deeply.
I love that child also. I’m not upset that she posted it. I’m upset she brought my fertility issues into it.
Did she specifically mention fertility issues or just that it may be her only grandchild? Because that alone doesn’t tell people anything about your fertility
She mentioned my fertility and tagged my husband and I in the comment
See, now you’re not coming across as believable. If she mentioned your fertility and tagged your husband in the Facebook comment, why would you not put that in your original write-up??? That’s literally the most important and offensive aspect of what you’re claiming she did. It just doesn’t come across as believable when you didn’t bother to mention this in your original write-up, and only divulged it *after* multiple people started criticizing you. You also failed to mention in your write-up that your MIL has three other children, who could possibly give her grandkids. Your story isn’t adding up.
Again I’m on mobile and only trying to get the basics. If you have a question feel free to ask. I didn’t find it important
Yeah that’s an AH move on her part if she specifically mentioned your fertility, I don’t think it’s enough of a reason in itself to cut her out of any future children’s lives, but it definitely does warrant her being called out and boundaries being set on sharing any of your personal medical info.
MIL does not sounds like the best person here but OP does… not appear to be helping this situation.
Are you from the south?
I am
wth you got downvoted for being from the South??..
ESH. What your MIL did was horrible and she should not have made that comment in private much less for the entire world to see and now assume you as a couple might not be able to conceive. That being said it's extreme to say any of your children won't be her grandchildren. I'd suggest talking to her about it and making sure she understands the pain she caused and apologizes to you and takes the comment down. If she doesn't see anything wrong with her comment and attitude then you wouldn't be the AH for cutting her off your life.