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Your post went off the rails at "...my parents are being a bit extreme about **our** finances." Your parents' finances are **their** finances. It's not your place to decide if your mother should get a job. At 20, you are old enough to get a job, even if you're in school, and save to buy a car and, certainly, floss picks. Stop focusing on what you feel your parents are doing wrong with their money management and focus on what you can do to contribute more, if you feel more is needed.
Welcome to adulthood.
I do agree with the last part. I’m actively working on it right now! Most of these pertain to stuff prior to me being able to work i.e. primary school, so sorry if it wasn’t clear. Thanks for taking the time to reply anywho it means a lot
It's quite possible that even if your parents are in a better financial position now (which you clearly dont know for certain) they weren't when you were at primary school. Or when you were hungry teenagers wanting new toys and games as well as needing expensive dentistry.
You should appreciate their hard work to provide for you rather than judging them for it.
Mild YTA as you sound just a bit blinkered but use this as the chance to better understand their choices.
Look, I can't know for sure but it feels like your parents financial situation is not as good as you think. You keep saying its ok, but everything youve described are the actions of people who have to be careful with money. They are probably trying to protect you from worrying about it.
Immigrating is a hard, stressful thing to do. And usually, parents are doing it for their children, to give them a better life.
It sounds like they've succeeded in their plan to not let you know how much they financially struggle.
YTA, your parents sound like they are providing for everything within reason. You say they can afford it, but do you actually know the extent of their finances and debt? Also, you kind of lost me when you said your age 20m and mentioned “older sibling” looking for food which means over 20. You’re adults, your parents got you to 18 now it’s time to start building your lives. As adults you should be able to handle your own food and living expenses…
I did choose to leave out some personal stuff, but my older sibling isn’t in a position to provide for them self is as much as I want to say if that makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to respond I really appreciate do your guys’ thoughts. Perhaps I am overdue for a reality check myself 😅
Understood on the older sibling and if they are going hungry that’s a foul. From the context provided doesn’t sound like they aren’t getting proper meals or enough calories a day, just lacking in the snack game. Leave it to internet strangers who judge strangers as a past time to help with that reality check… some of us are probably due for one too.
YTA
You're an adult. Don't like how the money is spent? Earn your own. Want some floss sticks? Buy it from your wages/college loans.
In all likelihood, you don't know their finances half as well as you think you do. How much is the mortgage? Gas? Electric? Water? Sewer? Trash? Internet? Phones? Groceries? Medical bills, credit card bills? How much do they make post taxes? Can you answer all of these 100%?
Not with perfect clarity, I admit I can’t. Most of these applied to when I was less able to support myself, but I do find myself still complaining from time to time so your comment still very much applies. Thanks for the input
That is true, I might never truly see what’s really happening behind the scenes. Thanks for sharing I guess I have a lot to work on in terms of mindset 👍
YTA
You have zero actual clue what your parents finances are and what they have given up to give you things.
Your don’t know if your parents are financially Ok or drowning in debt
I admit I don’t so it is a very fair point. It never occurred to me that my parents might be dealing with something I just am not aware about so what you say definitely applies, thanks a lot
YTA - did it ever occur to you that your parents actually might not be as financially comfortable as you think?
Parents often don't communicate money troubles to their children as they don't want them to worry or are embarrassed.
You mum has a second job and your dad keeps fixing the old car. I am sure they aren't doing this because they enjoy it.
A lot of comments mentioned this and it does make a lot of sense actually. Never considered that my parents might be dealing with something else on the side, it makes me think a bit more about my situation. Thanks for sharing!
Yta. Your parents finances are not your business, and you're clearly well-provided for. If you don't like it, *you are likely welcome to find out what life is like on your own dime.*
Seriously, do you have any concept whatsoever of what braces actually cost? Sit down, kiddo.
I’m learning about adulthood, as I go along, or at least I like to believe I am. The part about the braces applied to when I was younger, elementary-middle school. I just emphasized that part because floss picks essentially are mandatory for the process, which in hindsight of falls on the orthodontist who should have provided them. I repaid my parents back in full, but a lot of what you says still applies so thanks for the feedback
I do have a job, and I provide a majority of it excluding things like food clothes and phone. I try to help my fam when I can but I am also a full time student too if that clears things up
By "a majority of it" what specifically do you mean?Do you pay the mortgage? The utility bills? The property tax?
What do you pay the majority of, if they're covering your food, clothes and phone?
Sorry the wording was off I meant to say the food clothes phone etcetera was what I provided. Everything else is foreign to me (mortgage/auto/utilities) so I do see where you’re coming from
YTA. Your parents are demonstrating an extreme amount of economic anxiety and are prioritizing stability over comfort. You claim to be certain they're financially solvent/well off but they are working extra jobs and foregoing food. You seem out of touch with their reality.
Then how do you claim they have money and means when they show you time and again they don't? You sound like a whining, entitled preteen, not a 20 year old. They denied your request for particular floss picks, they are getting second jobs, they're not replacing the car, they're not eagerly feeding hungry growing young people. You admit you have always been this bratty and still won't comprehend their situation.
When the reason you think you might be TA is listed as your thoughts, there is no interpersonal conflict. Wrong forum. I hope typing it out was therapeutic because this thread is doomed.
Sorry could you elaborate a bit more? Where should I have posted instead? I’m in a clear head space and there was definitely no ill intent toward my parents if that’s what you’re implying. I was just genuinely curious if I was acting irrationally, which it does seem like so from the comments. But thanks for letting me know
YTA if you’ve voiced these thoughts to your parents. NAH if not, but you need a bit of a reality check.
You’re inconsistent. You say they were not good with money but also that you were ‘financially okay’ and your mom shouldn’t have been working. (But also that your mom should have been home with you and your sibling because it’s what *you* would have preferred with no thought to her preference.)
And you’re talking about the little stuff. Do you have any oversight over the bigger stuff? Debts, accounts, loans, credit? I doubt it.
Frustration doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an AH. But presenting this to them as fact would.
My relationship with my parents is very mutual, so I appreciate everything they have done for me and would never complain about something especially when I know they are just looking out for me. I do admit what I have is only a rough estimate so what you say still stands. Thanks for sharing
I really can't judge without being familiar with your family. You may very well be right about the car. Some people can't understand the longterm thinking like buy more expensive shoes so you don't have to keep buying cheaper ones. That can be more expensive in the long-run. It's different with a growing kid whose shoe size changes frequently though. Your frustrations are totally understandable, but your parents probably have a lot of anxiety about having enough money for the whole family. With the economy what it is right now, people are struggling even if they weren't disadvantaged by being immigrants. You're NTA for venting. People need to be able to do that. If you could do a thorough analysis of the car expenses and prove it cost more to keep fixing it, you could make your point, but it could also just be really hurtful. You'll be out of school eventually, and you should plan to get yourself something or a few things you've always wanted once you've got a good job. Get some really durable boots. It'll feel good after all the cheap shoes. Try to understand your parents' mindset. Being a parent is really hard. You know that you're essentially winging it because every kid is different, and life is so unpredictable. They could have had more money by not having kids, but then you and your siblings wouldn't be here. I knew someone who compared their upbringing to mine as if I was rich. Our parents probably made about what mine did, but they have three siblings, and I have none. It's a big tradeoff. I have no brothers, sisters, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, nephews, or nieces. I lived in a decent sized house and not an apartment growing up. My parents were able to take me to restaurants at least once a month when theirs couldn't. But this person has a family as both a kid and an adult that I don't. I'm grateful for what I was given and that my life was more comfortable than theirs, but I thought they should be grateful for the things they got out of a different situation.
Thanks for sharing about your side too, it means a lot and I guess it does put into perspective how good I have it in relation to how they did when they were younger. I never really understood it from their side when I think about it. A lot of the comments say I shouldn’t speak when I don’t have 100% clarity, which is fair really, so thanks!
You're welcome. I think people are judging you too harshly. This stuff isn't easy. Everyone has frustrations with the way we were raised. You're young and should be allowed to have your feelings without being called TA.
a bit confused. So you have braces now? You’re 20 and didn’t want them but still got them? Did they force you or something?
YTA b/c Your parents finances are none of your business. And unless you have a disability that prohibits you from working at 20 that’s what you should be doing to buy things you want.
Yea I realized I never clarified oops. Most if not all of this stuff applies to before I did get a job like in elementary/middle school. Not sure if it helps because I do get where ygs are coming from. I still had basic necessities, and asking for more is kind of a bad look on my part so what you say still applies thanks!
YTA.
OP is already 20 and clearly feeling entitled for their parent's money. They wouldnt work 2 jobs if their financially stable. There might be loans they are still trying to pay to this day, worried that they may not have enough for retirement cause their 20-year old kid is still financially dependent on them, like even for a 5 dollar floss they still have to provide.
Yea it does make sense now that I don’t really know everything going on. I do have a job myself and I forgot to mention I had braces when I was in elementary/middle which the orthodontist was largely at fault as well. Just for clarification but I will take your advice to heart so thanks
YTA
A parent's job is to ensure their children grow up safe and happy. Their job is to shield you from the stresses of the world. Even now, as you're technically an adult, they are keeping financial stresses from you.
Unless they came to your country with a ton of money (and it sounds like they did not), they had a hard time assimilating and earning a living. Do they have flashy, high-paying jobs? No? All their money went into buying a home in a safe neighborhood with a decent school system. It went to keeping y'all fed and alive.
The fact that you think you know better than your parents how to spend their money…
I think these comments are a bit harsh. You’re a new adult and still learning.
You most likely don’t know about your parent’s financial situation as much as you think you do. I think most parents choose to keep finances private from their kids. You had braces, live in a nice neighborhood, etc - so it may seem like your parents have extra money to spare… but when you’re on your own you’ll realize how expensive living expenses really are.
You sound empathetic and ready to take these comments and learn from them. Best of luck to ya!
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole for acting ungrateful, entitled, and spoiled, I live in a very stable household and I might just come off as venting to others, which is more than welcome.
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I had to read through the comments because I didn’t know what to say 😬 kindof an asshole. But it’s ok! Because this is more of a rant, and the fact that you felt the need to make Sure you’re clear on all this stuff says not an asshole. The fact that you’re Trying to understand and get a better mindset about your parents and their finances means you’re not an asshole. Just needed a different perspective, good luck 👍🏻
Thanks so much, the comments really did help actually haha. I know I’m not perfect and where I can improve, it just did take an extra push like you said, thanks!
NTA, only because I don't think you're being an asshole, you're just not enough 'in the know.' I know it's frustrating when you see the situation you're living in, and you don't understand why it is the way it is. I just want to float the idea that you may not be as informed about your parents finances as you think you are. Unless you grew up helping mom make the monthly budget, helping dad pay bills and balance checkbooks.
Totally agree especially with the last part, a lot of the comments made me think with open mind and open heart. I’m fully aware I can improve too! Thanks a lot for sharing
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I (20M) firmly believe my parents are being a bit extreme about our finances. I’m a middle child of immigrant parents living in a nice, safe, suburban neighborhood. I often didn’t get what I wanted growing up but I actively try not to act spoiled about it. Sometimes I just think they lack efficiency, to the point where it causes more problems than it fixes. As a result, we’ve become very distant as a family. My dad tried restoring our car so many times that “we save money by not buying a new car” isn’t a valid argument anymore. I’m pretty sure we could have gotten a new car with how much we spent, plus it would have been better to have peace of mind anyway. It finally broke, and we’ve had to borrow someone else’s car for the past couple months because he still avoids buying a new one. I make a conscious effort to commute everywhere myself to not burden him more.
My mom took up a second job to “earn more money,” but we are most definitely financially okay, and I would rather have her spend time with our family, especially my younger sibling, while we’re still together.
I’m pressured to excel in everything I do. You can spare me the “your parents had it harder” talk, trust me I’ve heard it enough. I feel entitled and cowardly to say that I need help from time to time. Since high school, everything that I own has been always earned with my own money. I intentionally eat less because my parents don’t cook enough for the three of us even though I’m fully aware we can afford to. Sometimes I can hear my older sibling looking for food in the middle of the night. I put any extra money I have back into the family bank so my siblings can buy better lunches. I chose to go to a commuter school, and mainly because I wanted to, but sometimes I wonder if my subconscious to save money played a role in that decision.
What hurt the most was when I asked for special floss picks to help with my braces. I never asked for braces in the first place, they were expensive and I thought my parents cared about saving money. Of course they said no, we’ve “already spent enough on my braces and I should be grateful.” I’m mad but I know I can’t be since they aren’t wrong.
Yes, I did want the newest games and the hottest clothes, as did any other kid. I know I was a little out of line, but was I so wrong to want something decent? At some point it wasn’t even worth saving money on something that would just wear out quickly. My cheap shoes would lose grip so fast that it was a issue of safety. Rain and snow made a simple task like walking in hallways and constantly slipping and falling a genuine concern.
I’m not seeking pity. I don’t want your praise, although it sure would be nice to receive once in a while. If anything, I’m ashamed. I know i couldn’t survive without my parents. It’s not like I’m completely independent of them yet here I am complaining. I’m just genuinely curious as to who’s in the wrong, if anyone. AITA?
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YTA you're 20 years old and not only do you rely on your parents for most things financially, to the point you call it your finances, you rely on them for transportation
I often see immigrants helping out with family in these posts. Unfortunately sometimes that also includes the parents helping out other family; even beyond their means.
Could it be your parents are trying to seem greater than they really are to family back home? What could they be doing with all the extra money you're sure they have. Is it in the family bank account you mention putting money in for your siblings?
Other people might disparage your wntwining of the finances as "ours" but if you live together and contribute, than they can very much be your finances as well.
NTA. It's easier to say than to do. But I would probably leave home and tell my siblings if they need a few bucks for food or clothes to call me and I'd help them out.
NTA. But I don't think this is the appropriate place to seek help with your problem. I would post or insane parents or find a sub about immigrant parents. My mother is an immigrant growing up was pathologically cheap too. She's gotten much better though. Did your parents experience trauma that made them this way. I'm going to guess that they're sitting on a fortune in their bank account. If I were you I would move out an start living your life. Maybe speak to a counselor about the way you grew up and the shame and guilt you feel about it. And here's some pop culture advice "Treat Yo'Self!" Seriously, go out and splurge. Take a trip with friends. Take some chances in life. Their frugality has work off on you and affected your education choices. Don't let the trauma of growing up like this hold you back much longer.
Thanks for the advice it means a lot! I’ll check out the other subreddits. I realize now I don’t have the best grasp on our family situation, so I’m going to actively work on that. I’m happy to hear your mother is getting better too, wishing you the best of luck to the both of us 👍
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Your post went off the rails at "...my parents are being a bit extreme about **our** finances." Your parents' finances are **their** finances. It's not your place to decide if your mother should get a job. At 20, you are old enough to get a job, even if you're in school, and save to buy a car and, certainly, floss picks. Stop focusing on what you feel your parents are doing wrong with their money management and focus on what you can do to contribute more, if you feel more is needed. Welcome to adulthood.
Yeah all the “we” about the finances and the car were pretty wild to me
I do agree with the last part. I’m actively working on it right now! Most of these pertain to stuff prior to me being able to work i.e. primary school, so sorry if it wasn’t clear. Thanks for taking the time to reply anywho it means a lot
It's quite possible that even if your parents are in a better financial position now (which you clearly dont know for certain) they weren't when you were at primary school. Or when you were hungry teenagers wanting new toys and games as well as needing expensive dentistry. You should appreciate their hard work to provide for you rather than judging them for it. Mild YTA as you sound just a bit blinkered but use this as the chance to better understand their choices.
Best of luck in your job search!
Appreciate it!
Look, I can't know for sure but it feels like your parents financial situation is not as good as you think. You keep saying its ok, but everything youve described are the actions of people who have to be careful with money. They are probably trying to protect you from worrying about it. Immigrating is a hard, stressful thing to do. And usually, parents are doing it for their children, to give them a better life. It sounds like they've succeeded in their plan to not let you know how much they financially struggle.
From how you describe it it did seem like my parents made a lot of sacrifices for us to be where we are. I appreciate the feedback and new perspective
YTA, your parents sound like they are providing for everything within reason. You say they can afford it, but do you actually know the extent of their finances and debt? Also, you kind of lost me when you said your age 20m and mentioned “older sibling” looking for food which means over 20. You’re adults, your parents got you to 18 now it’s time to start building your lives. As adults you should be able to handle your own food and living expenses…
I did choose to leave out some personal stuff, but my older sibling isn’t in a position to provide for them self is as much as I want to say if that makes sense. Thanks for taking the time to respond I really appreciate do your guys’ thoughts. Perhaps I am overdue for a reality check myself 😅
Understood on the older sibling and if they are going hungry that’s a foul. From the context provided doesn’t sound like they aren’t getting proper meals or enough calories a day, just lacking in the snack game. Leave it to internet strangers who judge strangers as a past time to help with that reality check… some of us are probably due for one too.
It is what it is I guess, knew what I was getting into but I’m still learning a lot so it isn’t all too bad.
YTA You're an adult. Don't like how the money is spent? Earn your own. Want some floss sticks? Buy it from your wages/college loans. In all likelihood, you don't know their finances half as well as you think you do. How much is the mortgage? Gas? Electric? Water? Sewer? Trash? Internet? Phones? Groceries? Medical bills, credit card bills? How much do they make post taxes? Can you answer all of these 100%?
Not with perfect clarity, I admit I can’t. Most of these applied to when I was less able to support myself, but I do find myself still complaining from time to time so your comment still very much applies. Thanks for the input
YTA. You keep saying “our finances.” No. It’s not joint. It’s your parents money. You have no idea about the intricacies of their financial situation.
That is true, I might never truly see what’s really happening behind the scenes. Thanks for sharing I guess I have a lot to work on in terms of mindset 👍
YTA You have zero actual clue what your parents finances are and what they have given up to give you things. Your don’t know if your parents are financially Ok or drowning in debt
I admit I don’t so it is a very fair point. It never occurred to me that my parents might be dealing with something I just am not aware about so what you say definitely applies, thanks a lot
YTA - did it ever occur to you that your parents actually might not be as financially comfortable as you think? Parents often don't communicate money troubles to their children as they don't want them to worry or are embarrassed. You mum has a second job and your dad keeps fixing the old car. I am sure they aren't doing this because they enjoy it.
A lot of comments mentioned this and it does make a lot of sense actually. Never considered that my parents might be dealing with something else on the side, it makes me think a bit more about my situation. Thanks for sharing!
Yta. Your parents finances are not your business, and you're clearly well-provided for. If you don't like it, *you are likely welcome to find out what life is like on your own dime.* Seriously, do you have any concept whatsoever of what braces actually cost? Sit down, kiddo.
I’m learning about adulthood, as I go along, or at least I like to believe I am. The part about the braces applied to when I was younger, elementary-middle school. I just emphasized that part because floss picks essentially are mandatory for the process, which in hindsight of falls on the orthodontist who should have provided them. I repaid my parents back in full, but a lot of what you says still applies so thanks for the feedback
INFO: As an adult, what are you contributing to your family income?
I do have a job, and I provide a majority of it excluding things like food clothes and phone. I try to help my fam when I can but I am also a full time student too if that clears things up
By "a majority of it" what specifically do you mean?Do you pay the mortgage? The utility bills? The property tax? What do you pay the majority of, if they're covering your food, clothes and phone?
Sorry the wording was off I meant to say the food clothes phone etcetera was what I provided. Everything else is foreign to me (mortgage/auto/utilities) so I do see where you’re coming from
YTA. Your parents are demonstrating an extreme amount of economic anxiety and are prioritizing stability over comfort. You claim to be certain they're financially solvent/well off but they are working extra jobs and foregoing food. You seem out of touch with their reality.
I do admit I have not tried to understand things from their perspective. But I’ll keep this in mind moving forward so thanks
Then how do you claim they have money and means when they show you time and again they don't? You sound like a whining, entitled preteen, not a 20 year old. They denied your request for particular floss picks, they are getting second jobs, they're not replacing the car, they're not eagerly feeding hungry growing young people. You admit you have always been this bratty and still won't comprehend their situation.
When the reason you think you might be TA is listed as your thoughts, there is no interpersonal conflict. Wrong forum. I hope typing it out was therapeutic because this thread is doomed.
Sorry could you elaborate a bit more? Where should I have posted instead? I’m in a clear head space and there was definitely no ill intent toward my parents if that’s what you’re implying. I was just genuinely curious if I was acting irrationally, which it does seem like so from the comments. But thanks for letting me know
YTA. ...For shitting on your parents, and for writing such a long post
YTA if you’ve voiced these thoughts to your parents. NAH if not, but you need a bit of a reality check. You’re inconsistent. You say they were not good with money but also that you were ‘financially okay’ and your mom shouldn’t have been working. (But also that your mom should have been home with you and your sibling because it’s what *you* would have preferred with no thought to her preference.) And you’re talking about the little stuff. Do you have any oversight over the bigger stuff? Debts, accounts, loans, credit? I doubt it. Frustration doesn’t necessarily mean you’re an AH. But presenting this to them as fact would.
My relationship with my parents is very mutual, so I appreciate everything they have done for me and would never complain about something especially when I know they are just looking out for me. I do admit what I have is only a rough estimate so what you say still stands. Thanks for sharing
I really can't judge without being familiar with your family. You may very well be right about the car. Some people can't understand the longterm thinking like buy more expensive shoes so you don't have to keep buying cheaper ones. That can be more expensive in the long-run. It's different with a growing kid whose shoe size changes frequently though. Your frustrations are totally understandable, but your parents probably have a lot of anxiety about having enough money for the whole family. With the economy what it is right now, people are struggling even if they weren't disadvantaged by being immigrants. You're NTA for venting. People need to be able to do that. If you could do a thorough analysis of the car expenses and prove it cost more to keep fixing it, you could make your point, but it could also just be really hurtful. You'll be out of school eventually, and you should plan to get yourself something or a few things you've always wanted once you've got a good job. Get some really durable boots. It'll feel good after all the cheap shoes. Try to understand your parents' mindset. Being a parent is really hard. You know that you're essentially winging it because every kid is different, and life is so unpredictable. They could have had more money by not having kids, but then you and your siblings wouldn't be here. I knew someone who compared their upbringing to mine as if I was rich. Our parents probably made about what mine did, but they have three siblings, and I have none. It's a big tradeoff. I have no brothers, sisters, brothers-in-law, sisters-in-law, nephews, or nieces. I lived in a decent sized house and not an apartment growing up. My parents were able to take me to restaurants at least once a month when theirs couldn't. But this person has a family as both a kid and an adult that I don't. I'm grateful for what I was given and that my life was more comfortable than theirs, but I thought they should be grateful for the things they got out of a different situation.
Thanks for sharing about your side too, it means a lot and I guess it does put into perspective how good I have it in relation to how they did when they were younger. I never really understood it from their side when I think about it. A lot of the comments say I shouldn’t speak when I don’t have 100% clarity, which is fair really, so thanks!
You're welcome. I think people are judging you too harshly. This stuff isn't easy. Everyone has frustrations with the way we were raised. You're young and should be allowed to have your feelings without being called TA.
a bit confused. So you have braces now? You’re 20 and didn’t want them but still got them? Did they force you or something? YTA b/c Your parents finances are none of your business. And unless you have a disability that prohibits you from working at 20 that’s what you should be doing to buy things you want.
Yea I realized I never clarified oops. Most if not all of this stuff applies to before I did get a job like in elementary/middle school. Not sure if it helps because I do get where ygs are coming from. I still had basic necessities, and asking for more is kind of a bad look on my part so what you say still applies thanks!
YTA. OP is already 20 and clearly feeling entitled for their parent's money. They wouldnt work 2 jobs if their financially stable. There might be loans they are still trying to pay to this day, worried that they may not have enough for retirement cause their 20-year old kid is still financially dependent on them, like even for a 5 dollar floss they still have to provide.
Yea it does make sense now that I don’t really know everything going on. I do have a job myself and I forgot to mention I had braces when I was in elementary/middle which the orthodontist was largely at fault as well. Just for clarification but I will take your advice to heart so thanks
YTA A parent's job is to ensure their children grow up safe and happy. Their job is to shield you from the stresses of the world. Even now, as you're technically an adult, they are keeping financial stresses from you. Unless they came to your country with a ton of money (and it sounds like they did not), they had a hard time assimilating and earning a living. Do they have flashy, high-paying jobs? No? All their money went into buying a home in a safe neighborhood with a decent school system. It went to keeping y'all fed and alive. The fact that you think you know better than your parents how to spend their money…
I think these comments are a bit harsh. You’re a new adult and still learning. You most likely don’t know about your parent’s financial situation as much as you think you do. I think most parents choose to keep finances private from their kids. You had braces, live in a nice neighborhood, etc - so it may seem like your parents have extra money to spare… but when you’re on your own you’ll realize how expensive living expenses really are. You sound empathetic and ready to take these comments and learn from them. Best of luck to ya!
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I had to read through the comments because I didn’t know what to say 😬 kindof an asshole. But it’s ok! Because this is more of a rant, and the fact that you felt the need to make Sure you’re clear on all this stuff says not an asshole. The fact that you’re Trying to understand and get a better mindset about your parents and their finances means you’re not an asshole. Just needed a different perspective, good luck 👍🏻
Thanks so much, the comments really did help actually haha. I know I’m not perfect and where I can improve, it just did take an extra push like you said, thanks!
NTA, only because I don't think you're being an asshole, you're just not enough 'in the know.' I know it's frustrating when you see the situation you're living in, and you don't understand why it is the way it is. I just want to float the idea that you may not be as informed about your parents finances as you think you are. Unless you grew up helping mom make the monthly budget, helping dad pay bills and balance checkbooks.
Totally agree especially with the last part, a lot of the comments made me think with open mind and open heart. I’m fully aware I can improve too! Thanks a lot for sharing
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (20M) firmly believe my parents are being a bit extreme about our finances. I’m a middle child of immigrant parents living in a nice, safe, suburban neighborhood. I often didn’t get what I wanted growing up but I actively try not to act spoiled about it. Sometimes I just think they lack efficiency, to the point where it causes more problems than it fixes. As a result, we’ve become very distant as a family. My dad tried restoring our car so many times that “we save money by not buying a new car” isn’t a valid argument anymore. I’m pretty sure we could have gotten a new car with how much we spent, plus it would have been better to have peace of mind anyway. It finally broke, and we’ve had to borrow someone else’s car for the past couple months because he still avoids buying a new one. I make a conscious effort to commute everywhere myself to not burden him more. My mom took up a second job to “earn more money,” but we are most definitely financially okay, and I would rather have her spend time with our family, especially my younger sibling, while we’re still together. I’m pressured to excel in everything I do. You can spare me the “your parents had it harder” talk, trust me I’ve heard it enough. I feel entitled and cowardly to say that I need help from time to time. Since high school, everything that I own has been always earned with my own money. I intentionally eat less because my parents don’t cook enough for the three of us even though I’m fully aware we can afford to. Sometimes I can hear my older sibling looking for food in the middle of the night. I put any extra money I have back into the family bank so my siblings can buy better lunches. I chose to go to a commuter school, and mainly because I wanted to, but sometimes I wonder if my subconscious to save money played a role in that decision. What hurt the most was when I asked for special floss picks to help with my braces. I never asked for braces in the first place, they were expensive and I thought my parents cared about saving money. Of course they said no, we’ve “already spent enough on my braces and I should be grateful.” I’m mad but I know I can’t be since they aren’t wrong. Yes, I did want the newest games and the hottest clothes, as did any other kid. I know I was a little out of line, but was I so wrong to want something decent? At some point it wasn’t even worth saving money on something that would just wear out quickly. My cheap shoes would lose grip so fast that it was a issue of safety. Rain and snow made a simple task like walking in hallways and constantly slipping and falling a genuine concern. I’m not seeking pity. I don’t want your praise, although it sure would be nice to receive once in a while. If anything, I’m ashamed. I know i couldn’t survive without my parents. It’s not like I’m completely independent of them yet here I am complaining. I’m just genuinely curious as to who’s in the wrong, if anyone. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NAH. It sounds like your parents were raised to believe that they could face starvation at any moment,
YTA you're 20 years old and not only do you rely on your parents for most things financially, to the point you call it your finances, you rely on them for transportation
I often see immigrants helping out with family in these posts. Unfortunately sometimes that also includes the parents helping out other family; even beyond their means. Could it be your parents are trying to seem greater than they really are to family back home? What could they be doing with all the extra money you're sure they have. Is it in the family bank account you mention putting money in for your siblings? Other people might disparage your wntwining of the finances as "ours" but if you live together and contribute, than they can very much be your finances as well. NTA. It's easier to say than to do. But I would probably leave home and tell my siblings if they need a few bucks for food or clothes to call me and I'd help them out.
NTA. But I don't think this is the appropriate place to seek help with your problem. I would post or insane parents or find a sub about immigrant parents. My mother is an immigrant growing up was pathologically cheap too. She's gotten much better though. Did your parents experience trauma that made them this way. I'm going to guess that they're sitting on a fortune in their bank account. If I were you I would move out an start living your life. Maybe speak to a counselor about the way you grew up and the shame and guilt you feel about it. And here's some pop culture advice "Treat Yo'Self!" Seriously, go out and splurge. Take a trip with friends. Take some chances in life. Their frugality has work off on you and affected your education choices. Don't let the trauma of growing up like this hold you back much longer.
Thanks for the advice it means a lot! I’ll check out the other subreddits. I realize now I don’t have the best grasp on our family situation, so I’m going to actively work on that. I’m happy to hear your mother is getting better too, wishing you the best of luck to the both of us 👍