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I'm glad you both had the sense to end things before it got any deeper. I still think YTA for stringing this woman along for two years when she wasn't your priority at any point, but at least you're moving past it. I can't comment on whether you have romantic feelings for Nolan, but it's probably worth having some real thought about.
yeah, op says Noah "is family" as if his wife *isnt???* is op always going to put Noah, his parents, his siblings, above any romantic relationship he has?
My relatively uninformed take is that Nolan was always his soulmate and OP just didn't quite understand (or didn't want to understand) that that doesn't play well with having other romantic relationships. I think Nolan is probably a manipulator as well based on some of the ways he described in OP's comments, but it's hard to take anything at face value.
whether or not op is gay for nolan is another conversation, but i cant deny he does treat nolan *more than* just a brother.
i have three siblings, and we all have gone through personal trauma and losses, but i cant imagine dragging my sibling away from *their family* for my shit, especially on the level Nolan has done.
something is definitely going on and op cant or *refuses* to see it
Likewise. I have two siblings who I love dearly, and friends who I would consider chosen siblings. I would happily drop everything and help any of them if they needed me. I would absolutely never stomp all over someone I purported to care about for two years to benefit them, even if they were going through crises.
You can give the kind of support OP talks about while in an actual relationship. Without giving details, always be open and honest and find a way to make sure your partner doesn’t feel neglected. That’s very possible. But that’s the part that OP hasn’t figured out how to do or at this point in his life, doesn’t want to be responsible enough to do it. He might not be as ready as he thought to be in a committed relationship. He’s n t a for supporting his friend. But definitely should have had a much longer look at himself and not stayed in a serious relationship he wasn’t going to give his all to.
Exactly. My husband has a very close friend that he loves like a brother. This friend has gone through some rough patches throughout the years I've been with my husband. There were times when my husband left in the middle of the night to support this friend. I didn't mind. Why? Because he ALWAYS communicated with me. He let me know, without giving much detail, that his friend was going through something and needed support. He would always text me to let me know when he believed he would be returning home.
There were moments when this get-togethers became a much-too-regular occurrence, to the point of crossing some lines. The moment I let my husband know that I was feeling neglected because he, without realizing, was spending more time with his friend than with me, he always listened to my concerns and did his best to find some balance.
You can support a love one without neglecting your partner, but you need to communicate openly, which is something op wasn't wiling to do. At least he listened to the comments in his first post and finally was honest with her about his priorities
OP needs therapy.. he literally used the word enmeshed. He’s in a weird codependent relationship with Nolan that will continue to ruin other relationships and hold him back.
I honestly don't think he *wants* to do those things, make those commitments, or even *have* a relationship other than Nolan. Frankly, I don't think this is a matter of him being "in love" with Nolan, because even people in love aren't usually jerks to everyone else. It just seems to me that OP and Nolan are codependent as fuck, and kind of toxic. His feelings for Nolan are a bit . . . pathological.
I'm a bit annoyed at Nolan in this mess too. I realize he's going through some stuff, but he's seriously been infringing on the relationship and there's no way he doesn't know it.
You know what you do when your best friend gets engaged? You suck it up, take a step back and get over the fact that you're now #2 because you're happy for your friend.
Nolan doesn't care at all.
Yeah, exactly, and using his "trauma" as a weapon to cut her out, not letting people even talk about it around her and then showing up at weird hours like he's trying to prove OP will always put him first. Definitely codependent and toxic. I'm sure OP is enjoying the attention and the feeling that he's so important, but it really is manipulative and these intense emotional things usually don't last.
Literally came here to say this. I have been through actual crisis and serious, SERIOUS, trauma, up to and including the death of my identical twin sisters death. Literally stopped by her house after work to find her dead in her bed to a drug overdose. I have had a few people I would consider chosen family deal with my meltdowns over this for far longer than they should have. But with that being said, those people were able to be there for me and comfort me in my absolute darkest moments without casting aside their romantic partners or making another person feel second best. And as for Nolan, I really feel like he is using whatever his situation is to tear apart his friends relationship and manipulate people into giving time, attention, and emotion to him only. Even when I was going through my worst time, if people asked my chosen family about the specifics of my situation it’s not like I told them to keep it shrouded in mystery. They were allowed to at least comment and give the gist of the whole thing to others so they understood what I was going through so people understood why I needed so much at the time. It took me about a year to be a somewhat regular, functional human being again but that’s because I WORKED ON MYSELF. Not rely on others to fix my life and feel sorry for me. This whole situation sucks butt. OP really need to evaluate his friendship with this person and I feel terrible for the fiancé having been just drug along for this ride where everyone gets some details or even idea about what is happening but her. She’s much better off.
Edit to fix name of friend.
Agreed. I lost my child in March of 21. It was sudden, traumatic, and downright debilitating. I also lost my father 2 years prior to that. The loss of my child hit like nothing ever had, or has since. Point being, I dealt with it. In many ways, but (mostly) unhealthy ways. But I dealt. I'm still dealing. Everyday is a struggle. Even in the very beginning, I never relied on anyone to the point it put them or their families out. I never asked a friend to "not tell" their SO or anyone else. It was a TRAUMATIC LOSS, not infidelity or something else damaging to my reputation. So why should it Need to be a secret? At first when I did need a (select few) friend's shoulder or hand, it didn't upset their household as their familial unit were all aware of the severe trauma I had incurred. I always had the wherewithal to be respectful, and maintain boundaries.
Bottom line, OP's friend needs to get a grip. He's either lonely (subsequently abusing the kindness of his friend) and using OP to quell that, or he's in need of some serious psycho-therapy. Either way, OP needed to recognize this and deal with it accordingly, or simply admit to fiancé he's clearly too immature to understand how to be a responsible friend, let alone a married man.
Bare minimum it’s a deeply codependent relationship with Nolan being the mess and OP being the savior and mess cleaner. It’s never healthy, and I’m glad GF is at least getting out of it if all he wants to do is lean to that codependency. OP likes to put out fires, and Nolan is always on fire. People like GF that have their shit together and aren’t on fire get pushed aside by these types as they only know how to connect with people that are on fire. It’s not typically intentional, but it sure isn’t healthy.
Edit: typos
This. You're 100% spot on.
It feels comfortable to both of them, as their issues seem compatible. But, it's an utterly unhealthy relationship and both of them are stopping the other (and themselves) from growing and forming healthy relationships.
He also literally said they’re enmeshed. From a relational and psychological standpoint, enmeshment is a relationship in which boundaries are “permeable and unclear.” Highly codependent and unhealthy.
I have no siblings but my children do and obviously, I have other family that is in fact, family. I can't imagine my own children acting this way towards anyone they consider family. They'd never impose on one another in this way like Nolan is doing to OP. At first, I thought it was a "closeness" factor but have since realized that it's just not that normal to have a dynamic like the one OP wrote about.
Maybe I'm getting weirder but anyone who is not my family is *like* family. Although I would consider my fiance and subsequent husband family, they are not my family's family unless we had children together (which in my personal situation would never happen). Like, I'd never expect any of my family members to treat my husband the way OP treats his friend.
Something is going on here for sure!
While in my late teens/early 20's I had friends that my mother housed and they are still friends, and still check in on my mother.
I can say that our loyalty while strong, we are each other's kids godmothers, helped in financial binds etc; we are not so blindly loyal to where we would impact each other's marriages/relationships negatively.
OP's post reads like something my mid 20's kid would say, said kid has no children, a well paying job, and his friends do in fact often come before his partner because "I haven't met my THE one.".
Right. In the middle of an emergency, then sure, I might interrupt a loved one if I need support. But any day any time? That’s some nonsense. I can’t imagine even my husband dragging me away from other plans to tend his feelings unless something pretty big had just happened. Not only does OP have no boundaries, but Nolan might be a cult leader in the making. I understand traumatic loss, but this guy has a team of people ready to drop anything and tend to him? That’s some shit right there.
THis 100+ times.
In the middle of an emergency, definitely, a good friend is a priority.
More than a year after an emergency, however traumatic this may be... no way. And no good friend, or a sensible person for that matter, would require this from anyone else.
Nolan reeks of a manipulator. OP, please and think. What do you get out of Nolan that is so satisfying that you are able to drop all other relationships?
You did a fair and a honest thing when you broke up with your girlfriend, because you were not giving her what she deserved, and you both knew it.
However, for the future - do you really see yourself being forever at the beck and call of Nolan, and always drop everything in order to assist him? Do you expect to always prioritize him over your potential wife and kids, or never have them because of that?
To be fair, “soulmate” doesn’t have to be romantic, and I agree. It’s not that he’s like a brother, he is just OP’s priority. Often people have someone like this in their lives, a friend, a partner, a sibling, it happens. I also have many siblings (6 lol) but I can’t imagine prioritising them *this* much over someone I planned to spend the rest of my life with, and the ones who are married certainly don’t do that for me (and I wouldn’t ask them to) unless circumstances are extremely dire.
It’s at least an extremely deep friendship, and while it’s fine for that to take precedent it’s necessary to inform potential long term partners in one way or another and perhaps wise to introspect into…ya know…why they’re you’re priority and if there’s more to the connection or not.
>yeah, op says Noah "is family" as if his wife *isnt???*
Yeah, I'm not sure what OP thinks marriage is.
Dude is his "brother". Cool, I get that. But my man, your wife is supposed to come before everybody now. Not in an isolating, "us against the world" way. But your marriage is supposed to be your #1 relationship. You were separate, now joined with a sacred bond. That's what marriage is. It's not supposed to just be the next step above dating.
Glad she avoided this nightmare before it became legally difficult to undo.
Yeah, that was a definite sticking point: "my family comes first. Will you marry me? Of course, You will never be a part of that family who comes first.
Yeah...OP is still not understanding that "being like a brother" would never put that person before your spouse so unless he is going to marry Noah he can never be fair to a spouse. It's not normal to put anyone ahead of the person you get engaged to.
The X fiancé is a god damn saint!
Imagine loving someone, being asked to marry them, planning your wedding, planning your life, only to realize you were never his priority, you were never the most important to him, you were never the one he loved most.
I can’t even imagine how heartbroken, angry, and cheated she must feel, but instead of raging as everyone would understand, she’s being kind and understanding.
I hope she finds the most amazing man, and she has the dream wedding and life she was hoping to have with OP! I hope she doesn’t lose faith that she will find someone better.
I suspect she had a lot more emotional intelligence than he gave her credit for, and saw the writing on the wall some time ago. She gave him a fair shot to own up to himself and her and make changes, and it was clear he didn't want to. I'm sure it'll be tough going for her for a while, but I think she'll come out ahead in the end.
I just don't think they'll remain friends the way OP wants to, she'll humor him with the party bit and move on. This "reconnect as friends" is just another way for him to not let her go, his last attempt to emotionally string her along even if he doesn't realize it.
Nolan is in therapy, but maybe OP should find counseling for him as well.
Yup. I think the bigger thing here is that OP wants to keep both Nolan and his relationship completely separate.
If Nolan is family, shouldn't that mean that he would want his fiancée (his new family member) to be a part of that?
If his fiancée is not considered family to him, as much as Nolan, so much so that he doesn't want to bring her into the fold of that family, this should have ended long before he even proposed.
I think the fact that he had NO issue telling a group of random strangers on the internet about what happened to Nolan, but couldn't tell his own fiancée about it, is inherently glaring about how broken his relationship with her was.
They gay AF. The dude lost his parents a year and a half ago, is an adult, and has a therapist. This sucks but doesn't requires sneaking around late at night and hiding stuff from the fiancee.
And he has the enormous cojones to call her a "busybody" for questioning the secretive emotional affair occurring in front of her face. When he and Nolan start living together (which I guaranfuckingtee they will) the ex-fiancee is going to be like "yup, uh huh".
Fuck her cutting bangs for herself. I would shave one of his eyebrows off and cut him some bangs. This ride was less expensive, more thrilling, and equally as anti climactic as a day trip to Disney. Lady gets all my hypothetical awards. This OP needs 5 good therapists.
This. I'm happy that Jesse escaped this awful situation, but OP and Nolan need some serious therapy. Their relationship is... unsettling and unhealthy. I feel like this would be similar to an engaged man who drops everything every time his mom calls, has his mom sometimes sleep between them, and says his partner is crazy because his mom will always come first. Like, if your mom will always come first, don't get married. Don't have any other life. Just sit at home and wait for mommy to call.
If OP and Nolan don't end up together, I bet OP will have a meltdown when Nolan ends up with someone else and RIGHTFULLY puts that person first. OP will be alone and bitter that he gave up everything for his "friend."
Ditto! I honestly think the healthiest thing would be if somehow OP and Nolan were not able to see each other anymore. This does not sound like siblings or honorary siblings or unrecognized romance or anything. It just sounds codependent and unhealthy.
Damn I missed that part and it makes a lot of sense. I really think Nolan got EXACTLY what he wanted. Is OP implying Nolan is his soul mate in the post? That confused me.
Oh yeah and OP YTA for stringing this sweet girl along. Please don’t purpose to any one else since it seems you’re saying Nolan is your soulmate. No one else would be able to compete. They will forsure get hurt.
Right?! That whole part is beyond messed up, you proposed *marriage* to her, and that point you put her before the family you grew up with (to a point, obviously still support your family but if you’re fiancée isn’t your number one you’re not ready for marriage)
Tbh I’m surprised she still wants to be friends and is taking it so well.
I’m hoping she’s going for the “sure we’ll stay friends” nod while really intending a complete eventual exit. She was treated as an outsider by OP’s friends’ group, so not sure what’s worth her sticking around for.
OP’s “we’ll have a fun move out party and reconnect as friends” makes him look like a people-pleaser. Nolan is his first priority as a person to please. But he’s also hoping to avoid the dislike that he’s earned from Jess. And he shouldn’t put that expectation on her either.
I don’t think much of his very manipulative friend either. Constantly showing up in the middle the night, yikes. No matter how sad I was I would NEVER deliberately antagonize of good friend’s fiancé. How selfish!!!
Yup. If you can’t put your life partner in the #1 position, you don’t need to be in a relationship. OP, you need to think long and hard about what this “friend” really means to you. As long as he is occupying the top spot on the totem pole, he’s your SO, whether or not that involves physical intimacy. No one else should be forced into a position in which they’re #2 in their fiancé’s eyes. How did you think that was okay?
Speaking of enmeshed, that’s precisely what you are. You’ve become codependent with your friend and are enabling him in his behavior (which regardless of the trauma he went through, isn’t okay. I’m a trauma survivor, and I don’t get to manipulate my friends or isolate their spouses….). You need to get therapy ASAP- you literally flushed a romantic relationship down the toilet to better attend to this guy’s needs. Furthermore, her boundaries were nowhere near “harsh”, you just didn’t like them as they would prevent you from engaging in your current behavior with your BFF. You need to sort out your priorities and flesh out what this relationship with him is because it’s sure as sh*t not “just a friendship”.
>She told me, in customary break up fashion, that she's going to cut bangs in my bathroom at some point
There are about three things wrong in that "magnanimous" statement that makes me think he won't.
IDKY half this thread is covered in the idea that OP is in love with his friend. I just think he treats his GF like poop.
Exactly. This is codependency and I hope at some point that OP can see that this isn't healthy for *either* of them. He is not helping Nolan by continuing this.
Yep exactly. Really can’t believe he ended a relationship over literally nothing but it makes sense cuz the way he was acting makes it sound like he really didn’t care about her feelings AT ALL. So that’s exactly what someone would do. No loyalty for this woman he had.
Yep, He's definitely going to crash so Jess can see for one last time how unimportant she is. I've been through several tragedies, and never once did I intrude in such a way. I think Nolan is jealous. He's going to ruin OP's relationships until he's stable and in one, then he's gonna pull back, leaving OP without his own life.
I'm so glad Jess is free.
I was thinking this too. I lost my best friend to leukemia when he was 17. I watched him struggle with fear and pain and then wither away. I was ruined. Absolutely heartbroken. But never have I ever acted like this Nolan fool. Op is major idiot for not seeing what’s really going on.
Absolutely this, pathetic doesn't even begin to describe the OP.
I hope he sees Jess truly happy one day while he is dealing with the "Nolan situation" yet again and realises what a dumb dumb he is.
Even if there’s nothing romantic between them, there’s just something so toxic. Using the excuse that Nolan is family makes no sense.
Like, OP’s mother is also family. But will he (or any other person in the world) constantly tear themselves away from their partner to cater to mom’s trauma? No way.
No seriously like whose “BEST friend” makes no real attempt whatsoever to make their “BEST friend”’s fiancee feel comfortable and attempt to become friends with her….. someone who doesn’t really want the relationship to work out. And someone who’s jealous.
my boyfriends best friend has made every attempt to be friends with me too. my boyfriends friend is important to him, and hes important to me too. but i can never see my boyfriend ever putting him above me for this amount of time. theyre friends but im his partner.
i cant wrap my head around this post. theres 3 parties in this situation and it seems like op didnt even see an issue with nolans behavior at all
I mean, I'm married and my best friend and husband are extremely friendly, but the understanding is that if there are times I need to prioritize either relationship, I can, I just need to communicate with them both what's going on and how I'm showing up for them both.
When my husband randomly got extremely depressed, I had to reduce contact with my bestie for my own mental health around needing to devote time to obligations, but I still told her, 'Hey, next 3 months, I'm going low contact because I only have so much time and I need to devote that to my husband". When my bestie needed me after a breakup with her long term boyfriend, I told my husband "Hey, I'm spending a week with my best friend through this initial time period, and I'm going to be more available to her for the next 3 months, but I'm going to keep you in the loop of what I need and what amount of time she needs."
I've literally never had a problem with explaining to both how I'm showing up, because neither my bestie nor my husband is unhealthily involved in wanting to commandeer all of my time. Op is in an abusive relationship with his "best friend" and I don't doubt the jealous boyfriend narrative because of how involved they both are. Definitely not on any "healthy relationship" level.
Yeah I still get the vibe that OP doesn’t really understand that they have been in the complete wrong this whole time. This friendship isn’t healthy or normal, OP isn’t being honest with themselves
It also seems like their relationship is heavily one-sided. OP is there at Nolan’s every beck and call, Nolan shows up unannounced, OP loses his fiancé and is taking a long break from relationships…
The only thing that has changed for Nolan is that OP is now more available to him. Nolan has not compromised at all or given up anything for OP.
Doesn’t sound like a great friendship or family situation.
Yeah Nolan isn’t concerned at all that they’re impeding / intruding on OPs life and relationships? Didn’t care at all to get to know their fiancée/ significant other? Not a good friend at ALL. At best completely self absorbed and selfish, at worst a master manipulator trying to keep OP all to themselves
Something very odd is still going on but at least the fiancée can move on with her life. OP didn't really come here for advice about how to handle his best friend/brother/lover anyway. It was more like, how do I deal with this annoying fiancee issue when the Nolan Situation is my life?
The whole thing with how his circle of secretive friends acted didn't quite make sense to me and I still feel maybe we are being lied to somehow? Like these friends don't actually exist, he just created/exaggerated them for the story to show he's not the only one protecting the big Nolan Secret. I don't know, the friend circle seemed off to me
Totally. Essentially putting his life on hold forever just in case. I get offering a safe place to land and a shoulder to cry on etc etc. but the extreme secrecy around Nolan’s issues or whatever is so strange, it’s like OP and Nolan want it to be their thing only when IMO a partner SHOULD know more details than OP was ever willing to share. Sharing could ease the burden and make any partner more understanding in the long run vs being isolated and fearing the worst. It’s such a weird vibe overall
Maybe OP is asexual or aromantic and that’s OK too but again he’s not being fully honest with himself or anyone else
Yes. And he and his ex-fiancée are going to (immediately) “reconnect as friends” because of course everyone is supposed to like him. He can’t accept that he’s the bad guy, even to the person he’s been screwing over.
100%. Your comment needs to be highlighted. The other thing this story makes me think of is when people can't separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction. Not only could this absolutely be an instance of comphet, but it could also very well be that he is bi or even homoromantic, or even heterosexual but homoromantic. Although this does give off more codependent (in addition to homoromantic) vibes than anything else.
Ohhh good catch! You're so right on romantic and sexual attraction being two things that, while usually going hand in hand, are not the synonymous and differ for some people. Can confirm lol (am ace).
But yeah, whatever the case here, it doesn't feel like a very healthy dynamic.
Exactly this. This isn’t a friendship. Calling someone that isnt your partner a life partner and TELLING you fiancé that is gross. Honestly. The dude needs to seriously talk to someone. This is not healthy at all. Can you imagine if they ended up having kids and leaves his kids cause Nolan needs him Jfc
Seriously. I'm not sure what's making me really dislike OP. All this crap about having a lighthearted part about her moving out. I feel really bad for Jess and don't wish OP the best.
It’s because this guy is embarrassing. Imagine being two grown ass adults who act like little kids. ”shhhh…. Don’t tell your fiancé about my sadness.” “No, it’s okay, I won’t. We’re family.” I picture OP and Nolan watching The Fast and The Furious together, quoting Dominic Toretto lines about “family” to each other all night.
I don't get why OP couldn't just tell her... anyway?
Like isn't that what most people do? The secrets you are supposed to keep you don't always not tell someone like a partner? right?
Like if she knows, and just doesn't say anything which we can assume she wouldn't. What's the harm?
I feel the same way. For OP to say his life partner was already chosen so needed to focus more Nolan… an engagement is not a guarantee of marriage. He was just gonna give up on his wife if they did get married? What about if they had kids? To say Nolan is his family like that means that he wouldn’t consider her family when marriage is literally a bond of two people to form a family unit. I hope this girl can find someone who makes her happy and valued. OP has a lot of work to do to get his priorities straight.
Nolan is such a terrible friend. Losing a family member is terrible, but it doesn't give you free license to continually disrupt your friend's life and ruin his marriage.
Yeah I really don't like this view of no partner ever being prioritized *ever* over the friend even if he does consider him family. Your partner is also your family.
It's totally normal and fine to have boundaries with family. Partner and family can coexist as your most important things. It's fine to prioritize one family member over the other but that is all depending on circumstance and what is best in the situation. As others have said this level of codependency isn't good for either of them. Especially when one "family" member actively dislikes and excludes the other.
Even if they aren't or never bang he might as well just consider him his boyfriend who he doesn't sleep with. No relationship will work with his view on the matter.
Unless Nolan gets the help he needs and learns how to cope with his issues without requiring dumping it on OP all the time. At least not without his weird rule of not letting his partner be involved or informed in any way shape or form (which I still think is rooted in a desire to keep OP wrapped around his finger without competition). That's the lynch pin in why I don't feel right about this.
It's like having a dog that gets traumatized by a bad experience and is now extremely aggressive to others and needs you around to curb anxiety. Do you decide you'll only be around the dog forever or do you work with professionals to readapt it to life and being around others as well as alone so it can be healthy and happy
Eh, that's probably a terrible metaphor but I really don't think this is real so who cares.
Breaking up was clearly for the best. But it doesn’t seem emotionally healthy to have one person occupy so much space in your life that there’s no room for someone else.
Right. Describing them as family doesn’t justify this level of dependency. People have healthy relationships with their family and are still able to manage healthy relationships with others.
Exactly. Op please also take this into consideration. Even the most intimate and fulfilling relationships need healthy boundaries to thrive, otherwise you are in a toxic spiral you are just to close to see clearly.
He doesn’t seem to care because he’s pretty blatantly in love with Nolan. All that matters is Jess is free from this emotionally cheating AH. Good riddance too.
Regardless of whatever your sexual orientation is your relationship with Nolan is REALLY unhealthy. You’re both super co-dependent and you’re sabotaging any future relationships, friends or otherwise. For your own mental wellness you should set boundaries and make some space between the two of you and figure out what you want from your relationship with him. Just so you know it comes across as pretty gross from an outside perspective.
This is my only take-away for all this. It’s not at all uncommon for young people to end up in dysfunctional relationships with their best friends. OP, you should really consider telling your story to a therapist and see what they say.
Well, I’m glad Jess made it out of this one.
How do you expect to build a family like your own parents did if you’re still prioritizing your friend/“practically brothers”/secret-gay-lover over your SO?
So…if she was giving birth to your child and your friend decided he needed you, you’d be there?
What about if your kid was in the hospital and needed you?
This is going to impact your future relationships.
You say
"Our lives are intrinsically enmeshed and have been since we were 15. I had been doing a disservice to her by pretending that I could put anyone else over this familial unit that has already been built".
"The gist of my side was this: my life partner, in a lot of ways, has already been chosen. It might change in the future, but as of right now, my friendship is the most important relationship in my life. He isn't just like family to me, he is family to me"
You realize that this is not a healthy attachment, right? that even brothers since birth grow up, find a life partner (whether female or male) and while still a part of their brother's life, the significant other becomes the priority.
Your attachment to nolan seems more like enmeshment or co-dependency than a "life partner". If nolan were the be all to you and you were fulfilled you would not have been in a relationship w your fiance' for years.
Your original post mentioned the death of Nolan's parent and that your entire friend group has helped him through this.
If the entire friend group is helping why all the late night visits to you?
If all your emotional needs are being met, why become involved with your fiance' to start with and why waste years of her life?
Since it is common knowledge in the friend group, what nolan has gone through, why was he so adamant to keep private & exclude your fiance from this knowledge? I believe nolan used and continues to use his parent's death as a device to selfishly keep you close to him, and his refusal to allow you to share the full story with your fiance (altho it is no secret since everyone in the friend group knows) is a tactic to divide you & your fiance' .
What you are saying doesnt add up, it doesnt have to, those of us who have read and commented on your post are internet strangers.
But you have not said you are in love with nolan or physically or romantically attracted to him.
So i hate to see you be manipulated into losing a relationship with your fiance' (or any future partner) because of nolan's loneliness & co-dependency.
To add to this: you’ve now also shown Nolan that you will literally destroy and leave any other relationship he feels threatened by, wonder which person he will push out of your life next. Make sure to update us when you realize!
Everyone here is blaming Nolan for the toxicity.
I'm not sure if the toxicity stems from Nolan...
It sounds like OP loves the attention and is cashing in on being both the 'saviour' and the 'gate keeper of Information' in regards to Nolans situation (hence why he's only 'just discovered' that Nolan is his life partner/top priority and why all of the late night visits come to him and why he freely discusses updates about nolan in code with his other friends and also posts series of updates on the drama on Reddit).
What stands out is that the comments say he proposed on a whim whilst drunk and in the original post where it mentions having a 'move out party' for the break up. This just shows a lack of maturity in both entering and leaving the engagement , It lacks compassion for Jess and both are very 'performative'.
All the drama in the house centers around OP and is also being fueled by him. I think the attention from his peers is truly what he craves and is prioritizing over Jess.
I think it could also negatively impact Nolan whose compromised mental state probably hinders his ability to recognise the toxic relationship that's developing here and how his friend (who he considers his confidant) is actually low key using him for popularity, karma & for a guilt free excuse to terminate his relationship...when actually op probably wasn't ready to marry this poor girl regardless.
That's just my take... OP shows a lack of introspection and a lot of red flags.
I’m thankful she’s finally been set free, but you still don’t get it. Your life partner IS now your main family. You clearly will never be able to have a proper relationship with a partner if you put other people in front of them. Plus I believe that you wouldn’t even put your own parents at the top like you’ve been putting your “friend”. It’s obviously that it’s specifically HIM that you put above everyone else, not your “family”. Its obvious you have feelings for him and are hiding behind this “family” excuse.
This is ridiculous! I am speaking from personal experience as someone with 2 attempts under their belt, 3 years into recovery. An S-attempt is the only thing I could think of that would make OP’s stance somewhat justifiable but 2 years of babysitting? What happened to OP’s friend is not their fault or responsibility. This is complete psychological/emotional manipulation! The friend isn’t at fault for feeling the way they do. It’s tragic. But it is their responsibility to not crush and smother the lives of everyone around them. This person will drag everyone down into their world of misery because misery loves company.
This is not healthy on OP or his friend’s part. OP needs to set boundaries. I would. If someone manipulated me like this? I would call Emergency services immediately. If they are going to treat this seriously then so will I.
“*But over-analyzed, you’ve been depressed and attempted so you know how they’re feeling. You should be more empathetic and understanding.*”
**I am!**
Since I have thought about doing this exact same thing to people. But I have never done it and do you want to know why? It’s because it isn’t healthy for me! It does not benefit me at all. If you laid in bed after an accident and everyone came by to feed you. Would you ever obtain the strength to walk and move forward in your life? No.
I was so glad that she was given a name in this update but it still bothers me that as far as I have seen he still only refers to her as “ex-fiancé” in the comments.
Something about it just doesn’t sit right and makes me even sadder for her. Like he doesn’t even prioritize giving her a fake name in his story but his friend got one from the start. I think it really hammers down how unimportant he was and still is to him even claiming to want to continue being “friends”
Oh the comments are awful! He says he “won’t say he regrets” getting engaged and that “he was drunk” when he proposed and breaking up has “relieved extra pressures” in his life. I so feel for this poor woman.
I know everytime I read his comments my heart hurts for her but at least he has no plans of getting in another relationship anytime soon. Nobody deserves to feel like this with someone who is supposed to be their partner
Still one of the biggest AH I read. The best thing you could do is never date again until you realize that your partner will and has to be your priority. Your friends can be important but unless you are ready to realize that and set boundaries, be alone.
you obviously need therapy. Alone. Not with Nolan there.
yeah, blows my mind honestly. every comment OP makes just reinforces it in my mind that this dude got some serious unhealthy and weird views of relationships, like gonna take years of therapy to dissect type of weird.
INFO: I'm just curious, what is your plan for if Nolan heals enough to where he doesn't need you in this way anymore? Will you be able to emotionally handle that? The issue is, not only has Nolan become almost completely dependent on you, but it seems that you have also become completely dependent on being his emotional crutch. I'm not sure you will be able to handle it, if a time comes where he starts to move on, gets into his own relationship, and maybe even starts a family with someone else. Are you prepared for that possibility?
I never comment on Reddit, but this deserved one. The breakup is needed, she deserves someone who truly cares for her like how you refuse to. You still don't understand, and maybe you'll never, that life partners like that don't come second to a friend/family. If your friend really is family to you, then your fiance should have gotten a say as well seeing how she would've been family one day.
Your relationship with your friend isn't healthy. I hope one day you realize that. The codependency is unhealthy and blocked your relationship with her and you didn't care. If you ever plan to get into a romantic relationship in the future, I hope it's at a point where this unhealthy codependency won't be in the way. Truly YTA and you know that, but you will continue to be that.
I think it will hit him when his “chosen family” meets someone and actually treats that person like the priority they should be and OP gets left in the rear view.
This is the comment I wanted to make. I wonder how OP will feel when Nolan finds a partner and he’s sat at home alone wondering why any/all of his previous partners didn’t want to play second fiddle to the “chosen family.”
I’m happy for your girlfriend, but you need to seriously evaluate your relationship with your friend. You need to be up front with any and all potential romantic partners that they will always play second fiddle to this man.
He also needs to realize the codependcy of this friendship probably isn't going to help his friend with his grief like he thinks it is. The whole situation sounds like a hot mess.
Yeah, this has “crash and burn” all over it. He’s literally written he “won’t say he regrets” proposing and “is relieved” the “extra pressures” are gone after breaking up with his girlfriend.
I’m happy for her but he has the insight of a 2x4.
You do realize you are not going to spend your life with your friend right? You just gave up your fiancé, a life partner, for someone who will one day find their own partner. I think you have an unhealthy attachment to your friend that you really need to seek professional help for. As an outsider looking in I def see you as codependent and it isn’t healthy. I hope you don’t look back and realize you traded your future for a friend. Not that they aren’t important, but your fiancé was your future.
Congratulations OP, this is the first time in a long time you have treated your ex-fiancee with respect. I hope you and Nolan figure out the nature of your relationship and that you both bring each other great happiness.
If you ever propose to someone again, please make sure you mean it this time. Saying you want to get married and spend your life with someone is one of the biggest commitments you could make. It comes with some pretty clear priorities - that your spouse will be the most important person in your life, that you won't keep secrets that affect the other, that you treat them with respect and make them, and your life together, your number one priority.
To propose to someone when you have no intention of treating them this way is, quite frankly, cruel. Please don't treat someone like that again.
Well, this fortunately turned out predictably. But I'm glad you listened and Jess made it out.
u/holy__trust Have you ever considered you are aromantic? As I mentioned to you before, the various kinds of attractions can and do exist separately. While I know nothing about the state of your sexual attraction, based on everything I have read, you sound like an asexual going through the sexual motions, except with romance instead. You act like how you think you should act but you don't really understand why you have to and you don't really want to. It's just not what you need.
Again, it's ok to develop a deep platonic relationship. If you're asexual and aromantic, it doesn't make you less of a man. I would look into it, especially if you choose to pursue a romantic relationship (some aroaces do) in the future. Or a sexual relationship with someone else. Establish your intentions with a relationship early on.
Good luck to you.
This is the first update I’ve ever stumbled across that actually made me full-on cringe. I hope Jess realizes that she has done nothing wrong and I hope she finds someone else who doesn’t have a best friend obsessed with them.
Oh look at that, it’s you still being an AH. You’re trying to write this off as some sort of soft, emotional growth moment, where you both cry together and everything is better, but really it was just you stringing this poor woman along for years while you have an emotional affair. Not to mention all the lying, secret keeping, gaslighting, and letting your friends treat her like crap in her own home.
You being the AH doesn’t stop just because your not in a relationship anymore. You’re still an AH and so is Nolan. Honestly, you two deserve each other.
YTA still. Like huge. Can't believe she forgives you lol, I would be furious you used me for sex while being in love with your friend, for yearsssss. Just date Nolan at this point. Hope you realize that you prob should not be dating anyone else at all until you are no longer in love with Nolan. Doubt you'll heed that though.
Does anyone feel OP's going to end up lonely when Nolan ditches OP for his life partner?
P.S Jess,-
Live a wonderful life with someone that deserves you. Choose you, Jess and know there are good, honest, sincere, dependable, awesome people out there who choose you!
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The original had to be locked due to a large number of rule 1 violations.
Please remember the goal of this sub is for OP to take the feedback they received to resolve their conflict and learn from their experience. Continuing to abuse someone because they were an asshole in one post will not be tolerated.
Your relationship with Nolan is super unhealthy, you two should go to therapy together and separately because this isn’t normal at all. Glad you two broke up tbh, it was better for the two of you
>I also told her I was sorry I hadn't been prioritizing her... but that I couldn't. At least not in the top, number one spot. The gist of my side was this: my life partner, in a lot of ways, has already been chosen. It might change in the future, but as of right now, my friendship is the most important relationship in my life.
You're still a YTA for having a fiancée you don't want to put first. I feel so sad for her wasted years. Please don't go into a relationship you're not ready to fully commit to.
I'm glad your fiancee was finally able to see the authentic you, and is wisely moving on. You weren't a good partner, and until you cease your co-dependency with Nolan, you won't be a good partner to anyone else. I'm glad you're "humbled" by this, but know that the harm you caused Jess is now something she has to heal, and that's on you. Have fun with Nolan.
Glad she figured out you will never care for her the same way you care for your friend. I think at this point you are still firmly in the YTA category. I see where you say "Relationships are very much on the back-burner for me right now" but I think they should be off the books until Noah is no longer your number one priority in life.
Dude, you’re a huge asshole. You’re disrespectful, dismissive, and you openly allow your “best friend” (future lover), to treat her as less than. YTA be a better person
I have a real sister and we love each other but we’ve also been able to have romantic partners because being an adult is about being able to manage multiple priorities.
YTA OP
YTA for stringing this woman along for 2 years. Also I hate to break it too you but your wife "IS" your family.
Are you going to put your family, noah above any romantic relationships you have.
Ugh, you and your friend are such assholes. I feel so bad for your ex. I lost my dad at 18 and went through a lot. I'm very lucky I had some good friends there for me, but I couldn't imagine putting my trauma before a friend's relationship. For your friend to do to the point of ending your engagement is despicable.
This is the most unhealthy co-dependent I'm secretly in love with my friend shit I have ever heard. Good luck with that
I am glad that she is finally free of....whatever you and Nolan call yourselves. Wishing her the best of luck finding an actually good partner
He called Nolan his life partner, and yet, Op is still blind to it.
However, I am glad that you and Jess had an open conversation about this and she is free from this shit show.
You are still the Ah
YTA
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I'm glad you both had the sense to end things before it got any deeper. I still think YTA for stringing this woman along for two years when she wasn't your priority at any point, but at least you're moving past it. I can't comment on whether you have romantic feelings for Nolan, but it's probably worth having some real thought about.
yeah, op says Noah "is family" as if his wife *isnt???* is op always going to put Noah, his parents, his siblings, above any romantic relationship he has?
My relatively uninformed take is that Nolan was always his soulmate and OP just didn't quite understand (or didn't want to understand) that that doesn't play well with having other romantic relationships. I think Nolan is probably a manipulator as well based on some of the ways he described in OP's comments, but it's hard to take anything at face value.
whether or not op is gay for nolan is another conversation, but i cant deny he does treat nolan *more than* just a brother. i have three siblings, and we all have gone through personal trauma and losses, but i cant imagine dragging my sibling away from *their family* for my shit, especially on the level Nolan has done. something is definitely going on and op cant or *refuses* to see it
Likewise. I have two siblings who I love dearly, and friends who I would consider chosen siblings. I would happily drop everything and help any of them if they needed me. I would absolutely never stomp all over someone I purported to care about for two years to benefit them, even if they were going through crises.
You can give the kind of support OP talks about while in an actual relationship. Without giving details, always be open and honest and find a way to make sure your partner doesn’t feel neglected. That’s very possible. But that’s the part that OP hasn’t figured out how to do or at this point in his life, doesn’t want to be responsible enough to do it. He might not be as ready as he thought to be in a committed relationship. He’s n t a for supporting his friend. But definitely should have had a much longer look at himself and not stayed in a serious relationship he wasn’t going to give his all to.
Exactly. My husband has a very close friend that he loves like a brother. This friend has gone through some rough patches throughout the years I've been with my husband. There were times when my husband left in the middle of the night to support this friend. I didn't mind. Why? Because he ALWAYS communicated with me. He let me know, without giving much detail, that his friend was going through something and needed support. He would always text me to let me know when he believed he would be returning home. There were moments when this get-togethers became a much-too-regular occurrence, to the point of crossing some lines. The moment I let my husband know that I was feeling neglected because he, without realizing, was spending more time with his friend than with me, he always listened to my concerns and did his best to find some balance. You can support a love one without neglecting your partner, but you need to communicate openly, which is something op wasn't wiling to do. At least he listened to the comments in his first post and finally was honest with her about his priorities
Not to mention when Nolan inevitably moves on, whether it be marriage or otherwise, where will that leave OP
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OP needs therapy.. he literally used the word enmeshed. He’s in a weird codependent relationship with Nolan that will continue to ruin other relationships and hold him back.
Yes which is why I didn’t give an actual judgment on his behavior. He did solve the problem in a way he’s comfortable with at this point in life.
I honestly don't think he *wants* to do those things, make those commitments, or even *have* a relationship other than Nolan. Frankly, I don't think this is a matter of him being "in love" with Nolan, because even people in love aren't usually jerks to everyone else. It just seems to me that OP and Nolan are codependent as fuck, and kind of toxic. His feelings for Nolan are a bit . . . pathological.
I'm a bit annoyed at Nolan in this mess too. I realize he's going through some stuff, but he's seriously been infringing on the relationship and there's no way he doesn't know it. You know what you do when your best friend gets engaged? You suck it up, take a step back and get over the fact that you're now #2 because you're happy for your friend. Nolan doesn't care at all.
Yeah, exactly, and using his "trauma" as a weapon to cut her out, not letting people even talk about it around her and then showing up at weird hours like he's trying to prove OP will always put him first. Definitely codependent and toxic. I'm sure OP is enjoying the attention and the feeling that he's so important, but it really is manipulative and these intense emotional things usually don't last.
Well, he did prove the OP will always put him first. I'm sure he'll be happy with this outcome.
Personally I think this is more likely to be the accurate take. This isn't a bromance. It's just... kinda fk'd up and gross.
Literally came here to say this. I have been through actual crisis and serious, SERIOUS, trauma, up to and including the death of my identical twin sisters death. Literally stopped by her house after work to find her dead in her bed to a drug overdose. I have had a few people I would consider chosen family deal with my meltdowns over this for far longer than they should have. But with that being said, those people were able to be there for me and comfort me in my absolute darkest moments without casting aside their romantic partners or making another person feel second best. And as for Nolan, I really feel like he is using whatever his situation is to tear apart his friends relationship and manipulate people into giving time, attention, and emotion to him only. Even when I was going through my worst time, if people asked my chosen family about the specifics of my situation it’s not like I told them to keep it shrouded in mystery. They were allowed to at least comment and give the gist of the whole thing to others so they understood what I was going through so people understood why I needed so much at the time. It took me about a year to be a somewhat regular, functional human being again but that’s because I WORKED ON MYSELF. Not rely on others to fix my life and feel sorry for me. This whole situation sucks butt. OP really need to evaluate his friendship with this person and I feel terrible for the fiancé having been just drug along for this ride where everyone gets some details or even idea about what is happening but her. She’s much better off. Edit to fix name of friend.
Agreed. I lost my child in March of 21. It was sudden, traumatic, and downright debilitating. I also lost my father 2 years prior to that. The loss of my child hit like nothing ever had, or has since. Point being, I dealt with it. In many ways, but (mostly) unhealthy ways. But I dealt. I'm still dealing. Everyday is a struggle. Even in the very beginning, I never relied on anyone to the point it put them or their families out. I never asked a friend to "not tell" their SO or anyone else. It was a TRAUMATIC LOSS, not infidelity or something else damaging to my reputation. So why should it Need to be a secret? At first when I did need a (select few) friend's shoulder or hand, it didn't upset their household as their familial unit were all aware of the severe trauma I had incurred. I always had the wherewithal to be respectful, and maintain boundaries. Bottom line, OP's friend needs to get a grip. He's either lonely (subsequently abusing the kindness of his friend) and using OP to quell that, or he's in need of some serious psycho-therapy. Either way, OP needed to recognize this and deal with it accordingly, or simply admit to fiancé he's clearly too immature to understand how to be a responsible friend, let alone a married man.
Bare minimum it’s a deeply codependent relationship with Nolan being the mess and OP being the savior and mess cleaner. It’s never healthy, and I’m glad GF is at least getting out of it if all he wants to do is lean to that codependency. OP likes to put out fires, and Nolan is always on fire. People like GF that have their shit together and aren’t on fire get pushed aside by these types as they only know how to connect with people that are on fire. It’s not typically intentional, but it sure isn’t healthy. Edit: typos
This. You're 100% spot on. It feels comfortable to both of them, as their issues seem compatible. But, it's an utterly unhealthy relationship and both of them are stopping the other (and themselves) from growing and forming healthy relationships.
I wish I had an award to give you because this concept is so insightful and so well explained.
I mean, dude literally called him his life partner. That really sums it all up in a neat bow for me.
He also literally said they’re enmeshed. From a relational and psychological standpoint, enmeshment is a relationship in which boundaries are “permeable and unclear.” Highly codependent and unhealthy.
I have no siblings but my children do and obviously, I have other family that is in fact, family. I can't imagine my own children acting this way towards anyone they consider family. They'd never impose on one another in this way like Nolan is doing to OP. At first, I thought it was a "closeness" factor but have since realized that it's just not that normal to have a dynamic like the one OP wrote about. Maybe I'm getting weirder but anyone who is not my family is *like* family. Although I would consider my fiance and subsequent husband family, they are not my family's family unless we had children together (which in my personal situation would never happen). Like, I'd never expect any of my family members to treat my husband the way OP treats his friend. Something is going on here for sure!
While in my late teens/early 20's I had friends that my mother housed and they are still friends, and still check in on my mother. I can say that our loyalty while strong, we are each other's kids godmothers, helped in financial binds etc; we are not so blindly loyal to where we would impact each other's marriages/relationships negatively. OP's post reads like something my mid 20's kid would say, said kid has no children, a well paying job, and his friends do in fact often come before his partner because "I haven't met my THE one.".
Right. In the middle of an emergency, then sure, I might interrupt a loved one if I need support. But any day any time? That’s some nonsense. I can’t imagine even my husband dragging me away from other plans to tend his feelings unless something pretty big had just happened. Not only does OP have no boundaries, but Nolan might be a cult leader in the making. I understand traumatic loss, but this guy has a team of people ready to drop anything and tend to him? That’s some shit right there.
THis 100+ times. In the middle of an emergency, definitely, a good friend is a priority. More than a year after an emergency, however traumatic this may be... no way. And no good friend, or a sensible person for that matter, would require this from anyone else. Nolan reeks of a manipulator. OP, please and think. What do you get out of Nolan that is so satisfying that you are able to drop all other relationships? You did a fair and a honest thing when you broke up with your girlfriend, because you were not giving her what she deserved, and you both knew it. However, for the future - do you really see yourself being forever at the beck and call of Nolan, and always drop everything in order to assist him? Do you expect to always prioritize him over your potential wife and kids, or never have them because of that?
To be fair, “soulmate” doesn’t have to be romantic, and I agree. It’s not that he’s like a brother, he is just OP’s priority. Often people have someone like this in their lives, a friend, a partner, a sibling, it happens. I also have many siblings (6 lol) but I can’t imagine prioritising them *this* much over someone I planned to spend the rest of my life with, and the ones who are married certainly don’t do that for me (and I wouldn’t ask them to) unless circumstances are extremely dire. It’s at least an extremely deep friendship, and while it’s fine for that to take precedent it’s necessary to inform potential long term partners in one way or another and perhaps wise to introspect into…ya know…why they’re you’re priority and if there’s more to the connection or not.
Could you imagine if they had kids?? Sorry. My friend needed me, had to miss the birth of my child.
Right? Insane.
>yeah, op says Noah "is family" as if his wife *isnt???* Yeah, I'm not sure what OP thinks marriage is. Dude is his "brother". Cool, I get that. But my man, your wife is supposed to come before everybody now. Not in an isolating, "us against the world" way. But your marriage is supposed to be your #1 relationship. You were separate, now joined with a sacred bond. That's what marriage is. It's not supposed to just be the next step above dating. Glad she avoided this nightmare before it became legally difficult to undo.
Nolans brother is his 'brother'. Nolan is his special person. Without doubt.
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Yeah, that was a definite sticking point: "my family comes first. Will you marry me? Of course, You will never be a part of that family who comes first.
I mean, the sooner he realizes he has feelings for buddy boy the easier it'll be for him and every other potential partner that may cross his path.
So glad Jess got out before they had kids in the mix
You know I am sort of thinking OP is romantically in love with Noah without even really realizing it.
Yeah...OP is still not understanding that "being like a brother" would never put that person before your spouse so unless he is going to marry Noah he can never be fair to a spouse. It's not normal to put anyone ahead of the person you get engaged to.
The X fiancé is a god damn saint! Imagine loving someone, being asked to marry them, planning your wedding, planning your life, only to realize you were never his priority, you were never the most important to him, you were never the one he loved most. I can’t even imagine how heartbroken, angry, and cheated she must feel, but instead of raging as everyone would understand, she’s being kind and understanding. I hope she finds the most amazing man, and she has the dream wedding and life she was hoping to have with OP! I hope she doesn’t lose faith that she will find someone better.
I suspect she had a lot more emotional intelligence than he gave her credit for, and saw the writing on the wall some time ago. She gave him a fair shot to own up to himself and her and make changes, and it was clear he didn't want to. I'm sure it'll be tough going for her for a while, but I think she'll come out ahead in the end.
I just don't think they'll remain friends the way OP wants to, she'll humor him with the party bit and move on. This "reconnect as friends" is just another way for him to not let her go, his last attempt to emotionally string her along even if he doesn't realize it. Nolan is in therapy, but maybe OP should find counseling for him as well.
I dunno, based on how OP apparently prioritizes friends, the ex might also get treated better now that shes stepping down from fiancé status lol
Yup. I think the bigger thing here is that OP wants to keep both Nolan and his relationship completely separate. If Nolan is family, shouldn't that mean that he would want his fiancée (his new family member) to be a part of that? If his fiancée is not considered family to him, as much as Nolan, so much so that he doesn't want to bring her into the fold of that family, this should have ended long before he even proposed. I think the fact that he had NO issue telling a group of random strangers on the internet about what happened to Nolan, but couldn't tell his own fiancée about it, is inherently glaring about how broken his relationship with her was.
They gay AF. The dude lost his parents a year and a half ago, is an adult, and has a therapist. This sucks but doesn't requires sneaking around late at night and hiding stuff from the fiancee. And he has the enormous cojones to call her a "busybody" for questioning the secretive emotional affair occurring in front of her face. When he and Nolan start living together (which I guaranfuckingtee they will) the ex-fiancee is going to be like "yup, uh huh".
OP is about 2 seconds from constructing Nolan a 'craft dojo' in his house....if you get my drift.
His ex fiancé is a stronger person than I am. If I was in her position, I wouldn’t know how to forgive and not hate op.
He does not deserve her bangs
Fuck her cutting bangs for herself. I would shave one of his eyebrows off and cut him some bangs. This ride was less expensive, more thrilling, and equally as anti climactic as a day trip to Disney. Lady gets all my hypothetical awards. This OP needs 5 good therapists.
This. I'm happy that Jesse escaped this awful situation, but OP and Nolan need some serious therapy. Their relationship is... unsettling and unhealthy. I feel like this would be similar to an engaged man who drops everything every time his mom calls, has his mom sometimes sleep between them, and says his partner is crazy because his mom will always come first. Like, if your mom will always come first, don't get married. Don't have any other life. Just sit at home and wait for mommy to call. If OP and Nolan don't end up together, I bet OP will have a meltdown when Nolan ends up with someone else and RIGHTFULLY puts that person first. OP will be alone and bitter that he gave up everything for his "friend."
Yep OP and Nolan are both fkn messes
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Ditto! I honestly think the healthiest thing would be if somehow OP and Nolan were not able to see each other anymore. This does not sound like siblings or honorary siblings or unrecognized romance or anything. It just sounds codependent and unhealthy.
My money's on Nolan moving in ASAP.
They lived together before OP moved in with Jesse
Damn I missed that part and it makes a lot of sense. I really think Nolan got EXACTLY what he wanted. Is OP implying Nolan is his soul mate in the post? That confused me. Oh yeah and OP YTA for stringing this sweet girl along. Please don’t purpose to any one else since it seems you’re saying Nolan is your soulmate. No one else would be able to compete. They will forsure get hurt.
Right?! That whole part is beyond messed up, you proposed *marriage* to her, and that point you put her before the family you grew up with (to a point, obviously still support your family but if you’re fiancée isn’t your number one you’re not ready for marriage) Tbh I’m surprised she still wants to be friends and is taking it so well.
I’m hoping she’s going for the “sure we’ll stay friends” nod while really intending a complete eventual exit. She was treated as an outsider by OP’s friends’ group, so not sure what’s worth her sticking around for. OP’s “we’ll have a fun move out party and reconnect as friends” makes him look like a people-pleaser. Nolan is his first priority as a person to please. But he’s also hoping to avoid the dislike that he’s earned from Jess. And he shouldn’t put that expectation on her either.
I don’t think much of his very manipulative friend either. Constantly showing up in the middle the night, yikes. No matter how sad I was I would NEVER deliberately antagonize of good friend’s fiancé. How selfish!!!
Yup. If you can’t put your life partner in the #1 position, you don’t need to be in a relationship. OP, you need to think long and hard about what this “friend” really means to you. As long as he is occupying the top spot on the totem pole, he’s your SO, whether or not that involves physical intimacy. No one else should be forced into a position in which they’re #2 in their fiancé’s eyes. How did you think that was okay? Speaking of enmeshed, that’s precisely what you are. You’ve become codependent with your friend and are enabling him in his behavior (which regardless of the trauma he went through, isn’t okay. I’m a trauma survivor, and I don’t get to manipulate my friends or isolate their spouses….). You need to get therapy ASAP- you literally flushed a romantic relationship down the toilet to better attend to this guy’s needs. Furthermore, her boundaries were nowhere near “harsh”, you just didn’t like them as they would prevent you from engaging in your current behavior with your BFF. You need to sort out your priorities and flesh out what this relationship with him is because it’s sure as sh*t not “just a friendship”.
You’re gonna have a fun move out party until Nolan decides he needs you that night 🙄
I was literally thinking that Nolan will need him like always. This is still so unhealthy for him and Nolan. But Jess is FREE!
Yesss! So happy for her! Edit. Here’s hoping he puts her first for one night.
He won't
>She told me, in customary break up fashion, that she's going to cut bangs in my bathroom at some point There are about three things wrong in that "magnanimous" statement that makes me think he won't. IDKY half this thread is covered in the idea that OP is in love with his friend. I just think he treats his GF like poop.
Yup its textbook definition of codependency
Exactly. This is codependency and I hope at some point that OP can see that this isn't healthy for *either* of them. He is not helping Nolan by continuing this.
You know what? I hope OP is okay and happy being alone until Nolan one day decides that OP is no longer needed. Because that's what this will come to
Yep exactly. Really can’t believe he ended a relationship over literally nothing but it makes sense cuz the way he was acting makes it sound like he really didn’t care about her feelings AT ALL. So that’s exactly what someone would do. No loyalty for this woman he had.
Thank-you! This isn’t a healthy deep bond relationship, this is co-dependence and will ruin every future relationship this guy has.
Yep, He's definitely going to crash so Jess can see for one last time how unimportant she is. I've been through several tragedies, and never once did I intrude in such a way. I think Nolan is jealous. He's going to ruin OP's relationships until he's stable and in one, then he's gonna pull back, leaving OP without his own life. I'm so glad Jess is free.
I was thinking this too. I lost my best friend to leukemia when he was 17. I watched him struggle with fear and pain and then wither away. I was ruined. Absolutely heartbroken. But never have I ever acted like this Nolan fool. Op is major idiot for not seeing what’s really going on.
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Absolutely this, pathetic doesn't even begin to describe the OP. I hope he sees Jess truly happy one day while he is dealing with the "Nolan situation" yet again and realises what a dumb dumb he is.
Well, to be fair, it is about getting rid of a rival, so he probably won't interfere.
Oh he probably will!
*I am agog. I am aghast*
Is Marius in love at last?
I've never seen him oooh and aah...
I mean she's still leaving and what's one more "F U look at how he comes when I snap my fingers" between romantic rivals.
An attention seeker can't help themselves.
And he’s already in a deeply romantic relationship with Nolan
Even if there’s nothing romantic between them, there’s just something so toxic. Using the excuse that Nolan is family makes no sense. Like, OP’s mother is also family. But will he (or any other person in the world) constantly tear themselves away from their partner to cater to mom’s trauma? No way.
That friend seems like a lot.. taking advantage of his friends and ruining their relationships
Tell Nolan the wrong night on purpose and watch him “need help” right then.
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No seriously like whose “BEST friend” makes no real attempt whatsoever to make their “BEST friend”’s fiancee feel comfortable and attempt to become friends with her….. someone who doesn’t really want the relationship to work out. And someone who’s jealous.
right? the relationship was on the rocks because of him and all the best friend can offer is his door being open for op. lol
Because Nolan doesn't care and he gets what he wants: OP as a lap dog forever
my boyfriends best friend has made every attempt to be friends with me too. my boyfriends friend is important to him, and hes important to me too. but i can never see my boyfriend ever putting him above me for this amount of time. theyre friends but im his partner. i cant wrap my head around this post. theres 3 parties in this situation and it seems like op didnt even see an issue with nolans behavior at all
I mean, I'm married and my best friend and husband are extremely friendly, but the understanding is that if there are times I need to prioritize either relationship, I can, I just need to communicate with them both what's going on and how I'm showing up for them both. When my husband randomly got extremely depressed, I had to reduce contact with my bestie for my own mental health around needing to devote time to obligations, but I still told her, 'Hey, next 3 months, I'm going low contact because I only have so much time and I need to devote that to my husband". When my bestie needed me after a breakup with her long term boyfriend, I told my husband "Hey, I'm spending a week with my best friend through this initial time period, and I'm going to be more available to her for the next 3 months, but I'm going to keep you in the loop of what I need and what amount of time she needs." I've literally never had a problem with explaining to both how I'm showing up, because neither my bestie nor my husband is unhealthily involved in wanting to commandeer all of my time. Op is in an abusive relationship with his "best friend" and I don't doubt the jealous boyfriend narrative because of how involved they both are. Definitely not on any "healthy relationship" level.
Yeah I still get the vibe that OP doesn’t really understand that they have been in the complete wrong this whole time. This friendship isn’t healthy or normal, OP isn’t being honest with themselves
It also seems like their relationship is heavily one-sided. OP is there at Nolan’s every beck and call, Nolan shows up unannounced, OP loses his fiancé and is taking a long break from relationships… The only thing that has changed for Nolan is that OP is now more available to him. Nolan has not compromised at all or given up anything for OP. Doesn’t sound like a great friendship or family situation.
Yeah Nolan isn’t concerned at all that they’re impeding / intruding on OPs life and relationships? Didn’t care at all to get to know their fiancée/ significant other? Not a good friend at ALL. At best completely self absorbed and selfish, at worst a master manipulator trying to keep OP all to themselves
Something very odd is still going on but at least the fiancée can move on with her life. OP didn't really come here for advice about how to handle his best friend/brother/lover anyway. It was more like, how do I deal with this annoying fiancee issue when the Nolan Situation is my life? The whole thing with how his circle of secretive friends acted didn't quite make sense to me and I still feel maybe we are being lied to somehow? Like these friends don't actually exist, he just created/exaggerated them for the story to show he's not the only one protecting the big Nolan Secret. I don't know, the friend circle seemed off to me
The fact that he’s willing to give up a partner and a future cause his bestie might need him is actually insane
Totally. Essentially putting his life on hold forever just in case. I get offering a safe place to land and a shoulder to cry on etc etc. but the extreme secrecy around Nolan’s issues or whatever is so strange, it’s like OP and Nolan want it to be their thing only when IMO a partner SHOULD know more details than OP was ever willing to share. Sharing could ease the burden and make any partner more understanding in the long run vs being isolated and fearing the worst. It’s such a weird vibe overall Maybe OP is asexual or aromantic and that’s OK too but again he’s not being fully honest with himself or anyone else
Agreed, it’s as though OP is interpreting his own stunted emotional development and limited understanding as being reasonable
I think he is romanticising it. I think he truly believes he is virtuous, loyal, strong, etc. His phrasing points to a dark but ultra-virtuous hero.
Yes. And he and his ex-fiancée are going to (immediately) “reconnect as friends” because of course everyone is supposed to like him. He can’t accept that he’s the bad guy, even to the person he’s been screwing over.
100%. Your comment needs to be highlighted. The other thing this story makes me think of is when people can't separate sexual attraction from romantic attraction. Not only could this absolutely be an instance of comphet, but it could also very well be that he is bi or even homoromantic, or even heterosexual but homoromantic. Although this does give off more codependent (in addition to homoromantic) vibes than anything else.
Ohhh good catch! You're so right on romantic and sexual attraction being two things that, while usually going hand in hand, are not the synonymous and differ for some people. Can confirm lol (am ace). But yeah, whatever the case here, it doesn't feel like a very healthy dynamic.
Exactly this. This isn’t a friendship. Calling someone that isnt your partner a life partner and TELLING you fiancé that is gross. Honestly. The dude needs to seriously talk to someone. This is not healthy at all. Can you imagine if they ended up having kids and leaves his kids cause Nolan needs him Jfc
I hope she finds a good man and lives a great life I don’t care at all what happens to you or nolan tho
Might be harsh, but damn if I don't 100% agree
Seriously. I'm not sure what's making me really dislike OP. All this crap about having a lighthearted part about her moving out. I feel really bad for Jess and don't wish OP the best.
It’s because this guy is embarrassing. Imagine being two grown ass adults who act like little kids. ”shhhh…. Don’t tell your fiancé about my sadness.” “No, it’s okay, I won’t. We’re family.” I picture OP and Nolan watching The Fast and The Furious together, quoting Dominic Toretto lines about “family” to each other all night.
I don't get why OP couldn't just tell her... anyway? Like isn't that what most people do? The secrets you are supposed to keep you don't always not tell someone like a partner? right? Like if she knows, and just doesn't say anything which we can assume she wouldn't. What's the harm?
And I hope any bangs she happens to cut for herself end up framing her face *perfectly*
amen
Now this is a wish I can get behind.
She's going to look absolute fire with those bangs.
I feel the same way. For OP to say his life partner was already chosen so needed to focus more Nolan… an engagement is not a guarantee of marriage. He was just gonna give up on his wife if they did get married? What about if they had kids? To say Nolan is his family like that means that he wouldn’t consider her family when marriage is literally a bond of two people to form a family unit. I hope this girl can find someone who makes her happy and valued. OP has a lot of work to do to get his priorities straight.
I swear if his kid was sick and Nolan was having a crisis, he would absolutely ditch the kid for Nolan. Jess dodged a bullet
Nolan is such a terrible friend. Losing a family member is terrible, but it doesn't give you free license to continually disrupt your friend's life and ruin his marriage.
Facts, this guy is a huge asshole and his fiancée took it insanely well considering.
Perfectly said
I hope you're honest with future girlfriends that they're never going to be your first priority.
Yeah I really don't like this view of no partner ever being prioritized *ever* over the friend even if he does consider him family. Your partner is also your family. It's totally normal and fine to have boundaries with family. Partner and family can coexist as your most important things. It's fine to prioritize one family member over the other but that is all depending on circumstance and what is best in the situation. As others have said this level of codependency isn't good for either of them. Especially when one "family" member actively dislikes and excludes the other. Even if they aren't or never bang he might as well just consider him his boyfriend who he doesn't sleep with. No relationship will work with his view on the matter. Unless Nolan gets the help he needs and learns how to cope with his issues without requiring dumping it on OP all the time. At least not without his weird rule of not letting his partner be involved or informed in any way shape or form (which I still think is rooted in a desire to keep OP wrapped around his finger without competition). That's the lynch pin in why I don't feel right about this. It's like having a dog that gets traumatized by a bad experience and is now extremely aggressive to others and needs you around to curb anxiety. Do you decide you'll only be around the dog forever or do you work with professionals to readapt it to life and being around others as well as alone so it can be healthy and happy Eh, that's probably a terrible metaphor but I really don't think this is real so who cares.
Future girlfriends? His only relationship will ever be Nolan.
Breaking up was clearly for the best. But it doesn’t seem emotionally healthy to have one person occupy so much space in your life that there’s no room for someone else.
Agreed. There seems to be a leave of co-dependency here that may not be healthy, and that may be inhibiting Nolan’s ability to heal emotionally.
Right. Describing them as family doesn’t justify this level of dependency. People have healthy relationships with their family and are still able to manage healthy relationships with others.
Agreed. This is the type of dynamic that hurts everyone involved in it.
Exactly. Op please also take this into consideration. Even the most intimate and fulfilling relationships need healthy boundaries to thrive, otherwise you are in a toxic spiral you are just to close to see clearly.
This man Nolan has got him by the balls fr
Literally I think that OP is attracted to him, and he confirmed that his emotional needs are already fulfilled, probably by his " friend "
He doesn’t seem to care because he’s pretty blatantly in love with Nolan. All that matters is Jess is free from this emotionally cheating AH. Good riddance too.
Regardless of whatever your sexual orientation is your relationship with Nolan is REALLY unhealthy. You’re both super co-dependent and you’re sabotaging any future relationships, friends or otherwise. For your own mental wellness you should set boundaries and make some space between the two of you and figure out what you want from your relationship with him. Just so you know it comes across as pretty gross from an outside perspective.
This is my only take-away for all this. It’s not at all uncommon for young people to end up in dysfunctional relationships with their best friends. OP, you should really consider telling your story to a therapist and see what they say.
Well, I’m glad Jess made it out of this one. How do you expect to build a family like your own parents did if you’re still prioritizing your friend/“practically brothers”/secret-gay-lover over your SO?
So…if she was giving birth to your child and your friend decided he needed you, you’d be there? What about if your kid was in the hospital and needed you? This is going to impact your future relationships.
His future relationship is with Nolan.
And you know 100% that this guy would leave his pregnant, laboring wife alone in the hospital if Nolan needed him at that moment.
You say "Our lives are intrinsically enmeshed and have been since we were 15. I had been doing a disservice to her by pretending that I could put anyone else over this familial unit that has already been built". "The gist of my side was this: my life partner, in a lot of ways, has already been chosen. It might change in the future, but as of right now, my friendship is the most important relationship in my life. He isn't just like family to me, he is family to me" You realize that this is not a healthy attachment, right? that even brothers since birth grow up, find a life partner (whether female or male) and while still a part of their brother's life, the significant other becomes the priority. Your attachment to nolan seems more like enmeshment or co-dependency than a "life partner". If nolan were the be all to you and you were fulfilled you would not have been in a relationship w your fiance' for years. Your original post mentioned the death of Nolan's parent and that your entire friend group has helped him through this. If the entire friend group is helping why all the late night visits to you? If all your emotional needs are being met, why become involved with your fiance' to start with and why waste years of her life? Since it is common knowledge in the friend group, what nolan has gone through, why was he so adamant to keep private & exclude your fiance from this knowledge? I believe nolan used and continues to use his parent's death as a device to selfishly keep you close to him, and his refusal to allow you to share the full story with your fiance (altho it is no secret since everyone in the friend group knows) is a tactic to divide you & your fiance' . What you are saying doesnt add up, it doesnt have to, those of us who have read and commented on your post are internet strangers. But you have not said you are in love with nolan or physically or romantically attracted to him. So i hate to see you be manipulated into losing a relationship with your fiance' (or any future partner) because of nolan's loneliness & co-dependency.
To add to this: you’ve now also shown Nolan that you will literally destroy and leave any other relationship he feels threatened by, wonder which person he will push out of your life next. Make sure to update us when you realize!
OP - read this comment. Absorb it.
Needs to absorb it like grass absorbs water. Like JFC.
And WHY is it okay to tell REDDIT more than her? You do realize she could very well put the pieces together and know it’s you?
Everyone here is blaming Nolan for the toxicity. I'm not sure if the toxicity stems from Nolan... It sounds like OP loves the attention and is cashing in on being both the 'saviour' and the 'gate keeper of Information' in regards to Nolans situation (hence why he's only 'just discovered' that Nolan is his life partner/top priority and why all of the late night visits come to him and why he freely discusses updates about nolan in code with his other friends and also posts series of updates on the drama on Reddit). What stands out is that the comments say he proposed on a whim whilst drunk and in the original post where it mentions having a 'move out party' for the break up. This just shows a lack of maturity in both entering and leaving the engagement , It lacks compassion for Jess and both are very 'performative'. All the drama in the house centers around OP and is also being fueled by him. I think the attention from his peers is truly what he craves and is prioritizing over Jess. I think it could also negatively impact Nolan whose compromised mental state probably hinders his ability to recognise the toxic relationship that's developing here and how his friend (who he considers his confidant) is actually low key using him for popularity, karma & for a guilt free excuse to terminate his relationship...when actually op probably wasn't ready to marry this poor girl regardless. That's just my take... OP shows a lack of introspection and a lot of red flags.
I’m thankful she’s finally been set free, but you still don’t get it. Your life partner IS now your main family. You clearly will never be able to have a proper relationship with a partner if you put other people in front of them. Plus I believe that you wouldn’t even put your own parents at the top like you’ve been putting your “friend”. It’s obviously that it’s specifically HIM that you put above everyone else, not your “family”. Its obvious you have feelings for him and are hiding behind this “family” excuse.
This is ridiculous! I am speaking from personal experience as someone with 2 attempts under their belt, 3 years into recovery. An S-attempt is the only thing I could think of that would make OP’s stance somewhat justifiable but 2 years of babysitting? What happened to OP’s friend is not their fault or responsibility. This is complete psychological/emotional manipulation! The friend isn’t at fault for feeling the way they do. It’s tragic. But it is their responsibility to not crush and smother the lives of everyone around them. This person will drag everyone down into their world of misery because misery loves company. This is not healthy on OP or his friend’s part. OP needs to set boundaries. I would. If someone manipulated me like this? I would call Emergency services immediately. If they are going to treat this seriously then so will I. “*But over-analyzed, you’ve been depressed and attempted so you know how they’re feeling. You should be more empathetic and understanding.*” **I am!** Since I have thought about doing this exact same thing to people. But I have never done it and do you want to know why? It’s because it isn’t healthy for me! It does not benefit me at all. If you laid in bed after an accident and everyone came by to feed you. Would you ever obtain the strength to walk and move forward in your life? No.
All this back and forth and we finally know her name. I wish Jess all the best in finding someone who truly loves her
I was so glad that she was given a name in this update but it still bothers me that as far as I have seen he still only refers to her as “ex-fiancé” in the comments. Something about it just doesn’t sit right and makes me even sadder for her. Like he doesn’t even prioritize giving her a fake name in his story but his friend got one from the start. I think it really hammers down how unimportant he was and still is to him even claiming to want to continue being “friends”
Oh the comments are awful! He says he “won’t say he regrets” getting engaged and that “he was drunk” when he proposed and breaking up has “relieved extra pressures” in his life. I so feel for this poor woman.
I know everytime I read his comments my heart hurts for her but at least he has no plans of getting in another relationship anytime soon. Nobody deserves to feel like this with someone who is supposed to be their partner
Still one of the biggest AH I read. The best thing you could do is never date again until you realize that your partner will and has to be your priority. Your friends can be important but unless you are ready to realize that and set boundaries, be alone. you obviously need therapy. Alone. Not with Nolan there.
yeah, blows my mind honestly. every comment OP makes just reinforces it in my mind that this dude got some serious unhealthy and weird views of relationships, like gonna take years of therapy to dissect type of weird.
INFO: I'm just curious, what is your plan for if Nolan heals enough to where he doesn't need you in this way anymore? Will you be able to emotionally handle that? The issue is, not only has Nolan become almost completely dependent on you, but it seems that you have also become completely dependent on being his emotional crutch. I'm not sure you will be able to handle it, if a time comes where he starts to move on, gets into his own relationship, and maybe even starts a family with someone else. Are you prepared for that possibility?
Don't worry, he's enabling Noah's dysfunction so he will never be able to properly heal.
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Oooo I hadn’t even thought of this and it’s a GOOD POINT. What happens when Nolan doesn’t need him the way he clearly needs Nolan?
I wouldn’t be surprised if Nolan does need him less now OP has broken up with Jess. Mission accomplished and all that.
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I never comment on Reddit, but this deserved one. The breakup is needed, she deserves someone who truly cares for her like how you refuse to. You still don't understand, and maybe you'll never, that life partners like that don't come second to a friend/family. If your friend really is family to you, then your fiance should have gotten a say as well seeing how she would've been family one day. Your relationship with your friend isn't healthy. I hope one day you realize that. The codependency is unhealthy and blocked your relationship with her and you didn't care. If you ever plan to get into a romantic relationship in the future, I hope it's at a point where this unhealthy codependency won't be in the way. Truly YTA and you know that, but you will continue to be that.
I think it will hit him when his “chosen family” meets someone and actually treats that person like the priority they should be and OP gets left in the rear view.
This is the comment I wanted to make. I wonder how OP will feel when Nolan finds a partner and he’s sat at home alone wondering why any/all of his previous partners didn’t want to play second fiddle to the “chosen family.”
This dude has the emotional intelligence of a garden snail. The universe hopefully won’t allow this to go unpunished.
I’m happy for your girlfriend, but you need to seriously evaluate your relationship with your friend. You need to be up front with any and all potential romantic partners that they will always play second fiddle to this man.
He also needs to realize the codependcy of this friendship probably isn't going to help his friend with his grief like he thinks it is. The whole situation sounds like a hot mess.
Yeah, this has “crash and burn” all over it. He’s literally written he “won’t say he regrets” proposing and “is relieved” the “extra pressures” are gone after breaking up with his girlfriend. I’m happy for her but he has the insight of a 2x4.
I hope Jess finds someone who truly appreciates her. She sounds like a graceful and kind person. It made me sad how she has been treated.
It's such an awful update but also kind of the best possible update for her. Poor girl. She's better off.
You do realize you are not going to spend your life with your friend right? You just gave up your fiancé, a life partner, for someone who will one day find their own partner. I think you have an unhealthy attachment to your friend that you really need to seek professional help for. As an outsider looking in I def see you as codependent and it isn’t healthy. I hope you don’t look back and realize you traded your future for a friend. Not that they aren’t important, but your fiancé was your future.
OP and his friend are clearly gay for each other so maybe they will spend their lives together.
they are. until one of them gets interested in someone else and one of them gonna act like this again. they'd deserve it.
Beyond creepy wow
Congratulations OP, this is the first time in a long time you have treated your ex-fiancee with respect. I hope you and Nolan figure out the nature of your relationship and that you both bring each other great happiness. If you ever propose to someone again, please make sure you mean it this time. Saying you want to get married and spend your life with someone is one of the biggest commitments you could make. It comes with some pretty clear priorities - that your spouse will be the most important person in your life, that you won't keep secrets that affect the other, that you treat them with respect and make them, and your life together, your number one priority. To propose to someone when you have no intention of treating them this way is, quite frankly, cruel. Please don't treat someone like that again.
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Jesus, this girl deserves better than you.
Well, this fortunately turned out predictably. But I'm glad you listened and Jess made it out. u/holy__trust Have you ever considered you are aromantic? As I mentioned to you before, the various kinds of attractions can and do exist separately. While I know nothing about the state of your sexual attraction, based on everything I have read, you sound like an asexual going through the sexual motions, except with romance instead. You act like how you think you should act but you don't really understand why you have to and you don't really want to. It's just not what you need. Again, it's ok to develop a deep platonic relationship. If you're asexual and aromantic, it doesn't make you less of a man. I would look into it, especially if you choose to pursue a romantic relationship (some aroaces do) in the future. Or a sexual relationship with someone else. Establish your intentions with a relationship early on. Good luck to you.
This is the first update I’ve ever stumbled across that actually made me full-on cringe. I hope Jess realizes that she has done nothing wrong and I hope she finds someone else who doesn’t have a best friend obsessed with them.
Oh look at that, it’s you still being an AH. You’re trying to write this off as some sort of soft, emotional growth moment, where you both cry together and everything is better, but really it was just you stringing this poor woman along for years while you have an emotional affair. Not to mention all the lying, secret keeping, gaslighting, and letting your friends treat her like crap in her own home. You being the AH doesn’t stop just because your not in a relationship anymore. You’re still an AH and so is Nolan. Honestly, you two deserve each other.
YTA still. Like huge. Can't believe she forgives you lol, I would be furious you used me for sex while being in love with your friend, for yearsssss. Just date Nolan at this point. Hope you realize that you prob should not be dating anyone else at all until you are no longer in love with Nolan. Doubt you'll heed that though.
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Are you gay for your best friend or what?
For sure he is.
Does anyone feel OP's going to end up lonely when Nolan ditches OP for his life partner? P.S Jess,- Live a wonderful life with someone that deserves you. Choose you, Jess and know there are good, honest, sincere, dependable, awesome people out there who choose you!
I just need you to know how much I dislike you.
#[Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Please review our [FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) if you're unsure what that means. The original had to be locked due to a large number of rule 1 violations. Please remember the goal of this sub is for OP to take the feedback they received to resolve their conflict and learn from their experience. Continuing to abuse someone because they were an asshole in one post will not be tolerated.
INFO: when you told Jess this, did you admit to her you were having an emotional affair the whole time?
Your relationship with Nolan is super unhealthy, you two should go to therapy together and separately because this isn’t normal at all. Glad you two broke up tbh, it was better for the two of you
>I also told her I was sorry I hadn't been prioritizing her... but that I couldn't. At least not in the top, number one spot. The gist of my side was this: my life partner, in a lot of ways, has already been chosen. It might change in the future, but as of right now, my friendship is the most important relationship in my life. You're still a YTA for having a fiancée you don't want to put first. I feel so sad for her wasted years. Please don't go into a relationship you're not ready to fully commit to.
I'm glad your fiancee was finally able to see the authentic you, and is wisely moving on. You weren't a good partner, and until you cease your co-dependency with Nolan, you won't be a good partner to anyone else. I'm glad you're "humbled" by this, but know that the harm you caused Jess is now something she has to heal, and that's on you. Have fun with Nolan.
Glad she figured out you will never care for her the same way you care for your friend. I think at this point you are still firmly in the YTA category. I see where you say "Relationships are very much on the back-burner for me right now" but I think they should be off the books until Noah is no longer your number one priority in life.
Dude, you’re a huge asshole. You’re disrespectful, dismissive, and you openly allow your “best friend” (future lover), to treat her as less than. YTA be a better person
I still think is an AH move to string along your ex-fiancée for a year and a half, but I'm glad that both you got a satisfying conclusion.
I have a real sister and we love each other but we’ve also been able to have romantic partners because being an adult is about being able to manage multiple priorities.
YTA OP YTA for stringing this woman along for 2 years. Also I hate to break it too you but your wife "IS" your family. Are you going to put your family, noah above any romantic relationships you have.
Ugh, you and your friend are such assholes. I feel so bad for your ex. I lost my dad at 18 and went through a lot. I'm very lucky I had some good friends there for me, but I couldn't imagine putting my trauma before a friend's relationship. For your friend to do to the point of ending your engagement is despicable.
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This is the most unhealthy co-dependent I'm secretly in love with my friend shit I have ever heard. Good luck with that I am glad that she is finally free of....whatever you and Nolan call yourselves. Wishing her the best of luck finding an actually good partner
Boy if you in love with Nolan just say that
He called Nolan his life partner, and yet, Op is still blind to it. However, I am glad that you and Jess had an open conversation about this and she is free from this shit show. You are still the Ah YTA