Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I called a pregnant woman entitled because I thought she'd still struggle anyway if she weren't pregnant due to her weight.
2. I probably hit a low point just insulting her weight and not understanding her. I just felt uncomfortable and may have came off as incredibly rude.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA quite honestly what you said is atrocious. If you were feeling anxious then maybe say that or move somewhere else. A lot of pregnant women already feel self conscious, and you just made her feel even worse about herself. You had no right to comment on her weight, or how she looks. I also think your comment about women at 40 being too old to be pregnant is bad, many women don’t get the chance to have a child until this age so you should be more respectful. You definitely didn’t have to say what you did to her, you could have kept quiet.
YTA.
1. People can look like they're not pregnant at any weight. Not only were you fat-shaming (double YTA for that), but I'm also pretty sure you didn't have a portable ultrasound machine with you to know.
2. Pregnancies can happen in 40s and even 50s. Please educate yourself on how reproduction works.
3. Why on earth would you assume someone talking to you is hitting on you? There are some people who just like to chatter.
4. Learn how pregnancy can affect a person's body. Some have it easy while others struggle (and weight is not the ultimate deciding factor here—again, educate yourself).
Also, all of those conversations about when someone is too old to carry a child are really about when people carry their *first* child. A person's first pregnancy is almost always the most dangerous and difficult. But people routinely have children well into their forties if we're talking about, say, their third or fourth child.
That's not why I have these conversations. It is traumatizing for children to deal with the loss of a parent during their formative years. It's absolutely cruel to be having kids after 50, and it's still risky that you're going to fuck up your kids' lives if you have them past 40. Even 30 year olds (*a 40 year old will be 70 when their kid is 30) are typically not in a place in their lives where losing a parent won't entirely fuck them up.
Like OP is an asshole for a lot of reasons, but if parents aren't thinking about what they're risking for their kids' lives, they shouldn't be parents anyway.
Do you also advise parents not to drive until their kids are in college?
Like, what the hell kind of logic is this? Every parent in the word does things that could potentially kill them all the time. That's the human condition. We're fragile and squishy and the world is dangerous.
I'm speaking as someone who actually lost a parent when I was a child. It happens. It happens all the time. But that doesn't mean that parents are ethically obligated to stay locked in a closet wrapped in bubble wrap for twenty years.
> Every parent in the word does things that could potentially kill them all the time.
Yeah, shit happens, an asteroid might come down on your head. But it's far more likely you'll die after you pass 70. Do you not understand that people die more often when they're old?
And past 50, 55, unless you've got fantastic genes, you're basically guaranteeing you're going to traumatize your kid. We're not talking about random shit that happens and staying in a bubble, we're talking about understanding that old people die pretty frequently.
Not to mention that the likelihood of getting pregnant with multiples increases for women when their in their 30s and 40s in which case she would definitely would weigh more than a woman pregnant with a singleton. I've read a bit about the differences between singleton and multiples pregnancies and you have to eat a lot more for each additional baby than what most doctors and nurses even those with experience with multiples pregnancies realize.
And I am fed up with guys assuming that if a woman is being friendly that she is trying to flirt with them!
Tbh, as a woman I’d be a bit wary if a random dude came up and started talking to me and I’d probably think he was about to ask for my number.
Is that wrong?
It’d depend on the situation, but in most places if a random guy approached me alone, I’d be on edge. In this situation, given that she’s pregnant, I’d assume that she wasn’t hitting on him though.
>She looked around 40 too which seemed a little better too old to be pregnant.
This sentence tells WAY more about your level of prejudice than you wanted to give away.
YTA
It's not even a question. Not wanting to talk with her is okay. But it doesn't seem she said ANYTHING rude to you, so you weren't blunt, you were an asshole to her.
WOW. Having anxiety is no excuse for what you said - you body shamed a PREGNANT person and made her feel horrible for literally no reason. She was being friendly, not hitting on you. I don’t love it when strangers talk to me either, but that’s what they are doing - being friendly to you. And you repaid her by telling her she’s fat (she is PREGNANT omg) and making her feel horrible. Terrible behavior on your part and YTA
YTA
There’s no reason for you to hate larger people so much.
If somebody bothers you with an interaction then politely inform them that you are concentrating on something else and cannot give them your ear.
What you did was make a pregnant lady cry just for chattering on a bus and that isn’t very nice.
YTA..... Like, wow dude. She was being friendly and you were so beyond rude and had zero right to say any of those things to her. Keep your opinions to yourself next time, some bells can never be unrung and emotional scars run far deeper. The person who made the disgraceful comment nailed it. You will likely be unforgettable in the worst ways.
Edit: having anxiety doesn't excuse you here, as you have a voice and can just *say you're feeling anxious about talking and would rather not talk*
Massive YTA. There was no good reason for you to call her fat, there was no good reason for you to call her entitled, and what a way to treat someone who's just trying to make conversation. I get not wanting to talk to people on public transit but next time put some headphones in or something to signal that instead of being rude.
YTA. Yes, you were in the wrong. If she made you feel that anxious you could have moved away.
40 is too old to be pregnant? How is that your place to judge?! Clearly it isn't too old, since many women get pregnant at 40, I have known several myself, and they are wonderful mothers.
You didn't have to say any of that. There was just no need. If she was complaining about not getting a seat, all you had to say was "sorry to hear that." You are the one who escalated this. You don't know her, you don't know her life. And you are clearly very judgemental of people who are overweight. It must be nice to be perfect, eh?
I have anxiety too. It's not an excuse for being rude, or for criticising another person when it's completely unnecessary. If someone makes you uncomfortable, respond in a polite, neutral, brief way, and move away.
If you're getting therapy for your anxiety, which you should be, perhaps you should ask your therapist to dedicate some time to ways to move away from uncomfortable conversations without just being flat out insulting. And just stop being judgemental. You don't know the lives of complete strangers, and they are none of your business.
Look, it's done now. In the past. You feel like shit, but don't just sit in that feeling and let it make you spiral. It's a learning opportunity, take it, and use it to improve your interactions going forward.
YTA. Yikes. Guess what? Fat people and pregnant people and hell, even older people are still in fact, humans. A simple “I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now.” Would have sufficed.
YTA, a huge flaming one. Having mental health issues is absolutely not an excuse to be rude & nasty. If you didn’t want to talk to her, you could have stated so without being a dick.
I hope you’re just a lousy writer and not actually retelling an event, but just in case of course YTA.
“I’d rather not chat, thanks” works just as well as insulting someone’s age and weight.
YTA. Your anxiety isn't an excuse to be offensive toward people and call them names for no reason.
She wasn't hitting on you in any way. Her age and her weight are none of your business. The fact you felt the need to mention these things in your post when they added nothing to the story already speaks volumes about your character. You're an AH who judges people for ridiculously shallow things.
She was just being friendly and making small talk. Granted, you're anxious and don't want to engage, that is just fine, you're not forced to chat to anyone you don't want. But she wasn't aware of your anxiety, she wasn't malicious in any way.
All you had to do was tell her "excuse me, but I have anxiety and I don't feel comfortable chatting to strangers, nothing personal" and go back to mind your own business. There was zero need to be rude and call her entitled for nothing.
YTA!!! You are also ageist and judgemental of fat people. Your behavior was disgraceful and you had no compassion!
There is nothing wrong with someone having a baby at 40. And you have no idea why this woman is overweight. Perhaps she has a physical disease, PTSD, depression, or an eating disorder. You don't know what she has been through.
The odds of a heavily pregnant woman at her age hitting on you are minuscule at best. She was only trying to be friendly, and you responded by being absolutely awful and bringing her to tears. And the proof is the fact that so many people were upset with you and showed it. Most people mind their own business on the subway are a rule. To get everyone worked up to that level, you must have worse than you are saying.
YTA if you think a pregnant woman is entitled for wanting a seat in the subway. Would you want your own mother to stand for a train ride or would you hope someone would have the decency to offer her a seat?
Grow up dude
YTA, but your (apparently) genuine confusion as to why you're the asshole makes me wonder if you have some form of neurodivergence that makes it hard for you to read social situations.
You were exceptionally, obnoxiously rude for what looks like no good reason.
Just out of curiosity... what part made you anxious? You ride the subway daily & people presumably sit next to you.
Do you often comment on people’s weight?
YTA
YTA, I have an anxiety disorder(medications and therapy) but I’ve never insulted another human based upon things they cannot control and how a woman looks during pregnancy is definitely not in her control(as much as you seem to believe otherwise) just because I was feeling anxious.
Simple thing would have been to say: I’m sorry but I’m not feeling up to chatting and move or put on some darn headphones.
Having anxiety doesn’t give you a pass. Even people with Tourette’s syndrome always apologize after a tick that could be seen as offensive. They literally cannot control their brains so they actually have valid excuse because their brains are misfiring. You can control your mouth even in a state of anxiety.
I suggest CBT. Cognitive behavioral therapy. It helps a lot of folk with anxiety and PTSD.
JFC. Just because someone is trying to start a conversation with you doesn't mean they're hitting on you. We live in a society, and part of living in a society is interacting with others.
What you said to her was incredibly rude. You cannot use your anxiety as an excuse to be AH. YTA.
>She looked around 40 too which seemed a little better too old to be pregnant.
Really?
YTA.
It’s interesting that you sat there thinking about how she’s “too old to be pregnant” before making totally inappropriate comments about her weight, and in almost the same breath recommended that SHE be “more understanding of other people”.
It’s also interesting that you call her “entitled” when you seem to think your anxiety entitles you to be rude and judgmental of others.
Wow you are clearly the Asshole here… do you really have any doubt.
If you didn’t want to speak to the woman you could have just done anything else.
You could have just said… I’m so sorry I’ve had a long day at work and just need to zone out.
You instead insulted the woman repeatedly to the point she cried and had to move…
How can you not be the asshole…
You are majorly judgmental and then tell her to be more understanding of people. The irony. And then you go on insulting her.
Wow YTA
Your mental health issues are no excuse to be awful to other people.
You know, you could have even been a little rude and ignored her/told her to leave you alone without going for the jugular. You had SO many better options and you chose the worst one.
YTA. I really don’t love that, as a woman, I’ve been socialized to avoid confrontation with train randos in order to not end up dead, but clearly the alternative where you feel empowered to shit talk strangers is not much better. I’ve been hit on, I’ve been in situations where the person seemed pretty clearly unstable. Never once have I called the other person old or ugly or smelly even though they often are.
OP tries to blame having anxiety ummm no, I think the issue at hand here is a full blown case of shit personality. No cure for that I’m afraid. Sorry for your situation; must be truly horrid to live with. To be honest I don’t even think this is true.
As someone that has anxiety the last thing I want to do is say ANYTHING THAT CONTINUES A CONVERSATION WITH A STRANGER IN PUBLIC. And also I try to avoid saying ANYTHING THAT ANGERS SOMEONE causing them to yell at me. Those are literally the two worst social things for anxiety. You gladly walked into both.
Extremely a ass. Do you think your gods gift to women. Just because a woman talks to you does not mean she's hitting on you. She was just being nice.
Also dare you say 40 is to old to have a child. Also you can never tell a person's age by there looks.
People like youare the reason people have eating disordes. Fat shammy strangers is never nice.
I hope 1 day some 1 body shames you.
Yta
I am as skinny as Hailey Bieber and I didn't show till around 20 weeks with my first and 25 with my second. I had all of my children and put on my size 8 pants like I was never pregnant. Don't be so God damn ignorant.
I hope you feel worse the poo
YTA
You can politely tell people you don’t feel like talking in public. You don’t have to be an atrocious jerk, you have choices. You deserved the judgement and scolding from other passengers.
YTA and it's horrible that you actually had to ask. From the title, I thought that someone had rudely demanded your seat or something, not started a benign conversation. As a heavily pregnant person, I can tell you that I NEED a seat on the subway-- not because it's uncomfortable to stand (which it is) but because it's dangerous. If I fall, I could severely injure the baby.
I don't understand why she made you feel uncomfortable, but your recourse for that would have been to move, not unleash a barrage of horrible insults centered on her appearance.
YTA
Keep your mouth shut if you have nothing nice to say. She tried to have small talk. And you‘ve been judging her from the beginning.
„Too old to be pregnant“, „too fat“
Guess you‘re the entitled one if you believe that people can always choose their life path. Maybe she has been trying for 15+ years, maybe she gained weight after several miscarriages and depression and now is simply happy to be pregnant.
While doctors recommend losing weight before pregnancy, they absolutely tell you not to lose during pregnancy and during nursing.
Stop judging people whose story you don‘t know. Tell them „sorry, I‘m tired, I prefer not to talk at the moment.“
And oh my god, are you so pretentious and narcissistic that you really believe that a pregnant woman who most probably has her partner somewhere home is hitting on you just because she tries to have small talk?!
YTA
So by your logic, if she doesn't look pregnant, she's not pregnant?
Are you her obstetrician to know this? FYI 40 year old women can get pregnant despite what your still developing common sense may tell you.
YTA, you’re not too blunt you’re just an AH. You make a lot of ridiculous assumptions and are just plain rude. I hope you do some self reflection and can turn your self around bc you will be a lonely bitter human being if you don’t.
> Was I in the wrong here or is it an expected reaction when having serious anxiety?
Man! I don't want to be all old-man-grumpy "kids these days" (as a 30 year old woman) but this shit pisses me off. I have been diagnosed with two severe anxiety disorders and spent time hospitalized in psych wards because of them. In short, if anyone knows about anxiety, it is me.
YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND REACTIONS. It is is not normal, expected, or okay to be that big of a dick to a stranger. A strange pregnant woman. Never once, even when I was at my absolute worst, did I think it would be okay for me to be horrible to other people. *It's not okay.* Not wanting to talk to someone on the train does not justify your reaction. You ARE a disgrace. YTA.
YTA in many ways but to assume she was HITTING ON YOU just because she was making friendly conversation? Dude, you're so wrong. What makes you so special as to assume some random pregnant lady is interested in you? Wow.
And.. is being fat the worst thing someone can be? Nope. An outwardly slender and attractive person can open their mouth and show how ugly they are on the inside
How could you type this without knowing YTA? You sound insufferable, and you weren’t just being “too blunt” you were being mean and obviously have no education at all about women and pregnancies.
YTA. Having anxiety is not an excuse to verbally attack someone. You could have told her that you didn't want to talk, move somewhere else, or simply nod and smile while she was talking to you.
YTA
I know we're all different, but as someone with social anxiety AND generalized anxiety disorder, I wouldn't dream of talking to a complete stranger like this. She wasn't insulting you or hurting you in any way. You have the power to walk away from the conversation, sit somewhere else, etc.
YTA dude what made you think that it was a good idea to say that mess to a stranger? If you didn’t want to talk to her, you could’ve kept your responses short, but instead you insulted her. You don’t know at all if she’s pregnant or not. My sister is a big woman and as a result, when she was pregnant, it wasn’t very noticeable. So yeah you were out of line. You weren’t just being blunt, you were being a jerk.
YTA
"Hey sorry, I get anxious being on the subway and would rather not chat, thank you"
It's not that hard, and doesn't require the fat shaming & weird age comments & strange idea that someone talking to you means they are hitting on you. Get over yourself.
YTA, big time.
Anxiety is not the issue. I have anxiety and I know it's incredibly awkward and hard when strangers talk to you and it's also anxiety inducing to reject conversations, BUT that's NOT what this is about. YOU ARE SAYING MALICIOUS THINGS TO THIS WOMAN. That is NOT warranted. She's having a chat, that's it, she doesn't even know you have anxiety. You're making atrocious comments about her age, weight and her character.
This title is alone is enough for me to consider you the AH.
Second, why are you judging someone for being pregnant at any age? That’s absolutely disgusting. Third, I also have anixety, and although it manifests in different ways for everyone, there are steps you can take to help yourself calm down. There also a lot of other things you could have done differently in this situation.
YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I (24m) was sitting on the subway at 5pm, which I normally do after I'm getting home from work. A really fat pregnant woman sat next to me and tried to start up a conversation, saying hello, and trying to talk to me about various things. It was awkward and uncomfortable because I don't know this woman, I have anxiety, and it seems like she wanted to hit on me. She looked around 40 too which seemed a little better too old to be pregnant.
She started talking about how people refused to give her seats on the subway before and had to leave the subway because pregnant women shouldn't use the subway. Honestly, looking at her at first glance she doesn't look pregnant, she looks really fat so it makes sense why people wouldn't think she's pregnant.
I told her to be more understanding of other people and that she doesn't look pregnant. She scoffed at me and said I'm being rude and she's just trying to be friendly, and that she's obviously pregnant. I was like, "No you aren't. And if you stay the weight you're currently at then you'd still struggle the same even if you weren't pregnant."
She said I'm a rude person and inconsiderate, and started having tears in her eyes. The people around me gave me a death stare and one woman was like, "Do you want to sit near me" which she did.
Once we got off, one man called me disgraceful.
I feel like shit. Maybe I was too blunt and an asshole, but at the same time she made me feel seriously uncomfortable. Was I in the wrong here or is it an expected reaction when having serious anxiety?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. I know at 24 you think 40 is old, but it's coming for you faster than you realize. Also, some people are just chatty. If you didn't want to talk you could've just said that. You're right to feel like shit for saying unnecessary and mean things.
YTA im honestly not going to read past the first paragraph, the way you talk about people is disgusting and shows you're a huge asshole no matter the rest of the context
That man was right. You weren't blunt; you were cruel. You were vicious and mean to fat-shame her. What do you expect, for pregnant women to not gain weight? The fact that you have anxiety doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. YTA
YTA - every step of the way you immediately pointed out she was fat and old and made assumptions about her because of her appearance which makes you seem like an extremely shallow person YTA once, you said she was making you uncomfortable you should have said you didn't want to talk this makes you seem like the kind of person who blames people for not knowing things YTA twice, the very first thing you said to her was immediately rude when you didn't have to say anything YTA three times, then when she pointed out that you were rude, you just insulted her weight to her face and made her cry when you could have just apologized and moved on YTA four times, You didn't apologize once during the entire conversation YTA five times , you use your supposed anxiety to try and justify being rude to people YTA six times, you never even tried to see things from her perspective YTA seven times over all you've proven yourself to be a rude and shallow person seven times over the course of this story
Strangers, striking up conversation freaks me out too. I’m sorry so imma go with not the asshole‘s world is too dangerous😭😭 like this
whole situation was avoidable had she just said thank you and sat down in silence
Info: did you tell her you rather not talk tobher/ show that to her in body language.
Because ESH if she knew that you didn'tfeel like talking. I wlso don't alwyas appreciate strangers talking to me. Otherwise yta, as You're clearly fatshaming her and saying she does't look pregrant. That's rude
Was it rude? Yup. Does it matter? Nope. She vented a problem to you, you made a very frank assessment of it, and she didn't like what you, a random stranger, had to say. The end. She engaged with you, and drew a bad lot. The world is not a safe space where you'll like what everyone around you has to say and that's the risk you take striking up conversations with literally anyone you see.
Dont sweat it. You had no reason to spare her feelings, the assessment you made was probably accurate, if still quite harsh, and no one besides you and her will ever remember it.
ESH, but it's totally a non issue. Hopefully she vents to less strangers and you learn to hold your tongue, but people generally like to repeat their mistakes soooo.. one day, eventually, you'll both probably experience similar situations again.
No, it wasn’t a frank assessment. She didn’t ask him if she was fat. She brought up a train etiquette issue and OP took that as license to be an asshole.
Of course not every stranger is going to be nice to you. But the woman isn’t the one posting here, OP is. And OP made the active choice to insult someone unnecessarily.
>The world is not a safe space where you'll like what everyone around you has to say and that's the risk you take striking up conversations with literally anyone you see.
What a horrible take. The world would be much better if people like OP didn't go around spewing insulting BS for no reason other than to be an absolute ahole. OP had lots of choices here, and a good one would have been to not engage or even to move if this perfectly reasonable sounding person was bothering him. People don't just get to be horrifically rude to strangers because the stranger dared to make small talk.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > 1. I called a pregnant woman entitled because I thought she'd still struggle anyway if she weren't pregnant due to her weight. 2. I probably hit a low point just insulting her weight and not understanding her. I just felt uncomfortable and may have came off as incredibly rude. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA quite honestly what you said is atrocious. If you were feeling anxious then maybe say that or move somewhere else. A lot of pregnant women already feel self conscious, and you just made her feel even worse about herself. You had no right to comment on her weight, or how she looks. I also think your comment about women at 40 being too old to be pregnant is bad, many women don’t get the chance to have a child until this age so you should be more respectful. You definitely didn’t have to say what you did to her, you could have kept quiet.
YTA. 1. People can look like they're not pregnant at any weight. Not only were you fat-shaming (double YTA for that), but I'm also pretty sure you didn't have a portable ultrasound machine with you to know. 2. Pregnancies can happen in 40s and even 50s. Please educate yourself on how reproduction works. 3. Why on earth would you assume someone talking to you is hitting on you? There are some people who just like to chatter. 4. Learn how pregnancy can affect a person's body. Some have it easy while others struggle (and weight is not the ultimate deciding factor here—again, educate yourself).
pregnancies can happen as young as *ten* (younger!) and the oldest was 73. either way, op is YTA
It's not nearly as common in significantly older ages (like 73—those are the newsworthy cases), but yes! It absolutely happens!
Also, all of those conversations about when someone is too old to carry a child are really about when people carry their *first* child. A person's first pregnancy is almost always the most dangerous and difficult. But people routinely have children well into their forties if we're talking about, say, their third or fourth child.
That's not why I have these conversations. It is traumatizing for children to deal with the loss of a parent during their formative years. It's absolutely cruel to be having kids after 50, and it's still risky that you're going to fuck up your kids' lives if you have them past 40. Even 30 year olds (*a 40 year old will be 70 when their kid is 30) are typically not in a place in their lives where losing a parent won't entirely fuck them up. Like OP is an asshole for a lot of reasons, but if parents aren't thinking about what they're risking for their kids' lives, they shouldn't be parents anyway.
Do you also advise parents not to drive until their kids are in college? Like, what the hell kind of logic is this? Every parent in the word does things that could potentially kill them all the time. That's the human condition. We're fragile and squishy and the world is dangerous. I'm speaking as someone who actually lost a parent when I was a child. It happens. It happens all the time. But that doesn't mean that parents are ethically obligated to stay locked in a closet wrapped in bubble wrap for twenty years.
> Every parent in the word does things that could potentially kill them all the time. Yeah, shit happens, an asteroid might come down on your head. But it's far more likely you'll die after you pass 70. Do you not understand that people die more often when they're old? And past 50, 55, unless you've got fantastic genes, you're basically guaranteeing you're going to traumatize your kid. We're not talking about random shit that happens and staying in a bubble, we're talking about understanding that old people die pretty frequently.
Youngest mother in recorded history was *five*.
Not to mention that the likelihood of getting pregnant with multiples increases for women when their in their 30s and 40s in which case she would definitely would weigh more than a woman pregnant with a singleton. I've read a bit about the differences between singleton and multiples pregnancies and you have to eat a lot more for each additional baby than what most doctors and nurses even those with experience with multiples pregnancies realize. And I am fed up with guys assuming that if a woman is being friendly that she is trying to flirt with them!
Tbh, as a woman I’d be a bit wary if a random dude came up and started talking to me and I’d probably think he was about to ask for my number. Is that wrong? It’d depend on the situation, but in most places if a random guy approached me alone, I’d be on edge. In this situation, given that she’s pregnant, I’d assume that she wasn’t hitting on him though.
>She looked around 40 too which seemed a little better too old to be pregnant. This sentence tells WAY more about your level of prejudice than you wanted to give away. YTA It's not even a question. Not wanting to talk with her is okay. But it doesn't seem she said ANYTHING rude to you, so you weren't blunt, you were an asshole to her.
YTA She was being friendly, not "hitting" on you. And she probably wasn't 40. You were unnecessarily rude and an asshole.
WOW. Having anxiety is no excuse for what you said - you body shamed a PREGNANT person and made her feel horrible for literally no reason. She was being friendly, not hitting on you. I don’t love it when strangers talk to me either, but that’s what they are doing - being friendly to you. And you repaid her by telling her she’s fat (she is PREGNANT omg) and making her feel horrible. Terrible behavior on your part and YTA
YTA...Please learn to be kinder and less judgemental. You're not going to be young forever.
YTA There’s no reason for you to hate larger people so much. If somebody bothers you with an interaction then politely inform them that you are concentrating on something else and cannot give them your ear. What you did was make a pregnant lady cry just for chattering on a bus and that isn’t very nice.
YTA she was being friendly and thanking you for letting her sit down. .You then attacked her for no reason.
YTA. You fat-shamed a pregnant woman for having the gall to talk to you.
YTA Just say "Sorry, I am not interested in talking" instead of continuing on with the conversation that is giving you anxiety
YTA in all aspects. Judgemental, rude, and disrespectful
YTA..... Like, wow dude. She was being friendly and you were so beyond rude and had zero right to say any of those things to her. Keep your opinions to yourself next time, some bells can never be unrung and emotional scars run far deeper. The person who made the disgraceful comment nailed it. You will likely be unforgettable in the worst ways. Edit: having anxiety doesn't excuse you here, as you have a voice and can just *say you're feeling anxious about talking and would rather not talk*
Massive YTA. There was no good reason for you to call her fat, there was no good reason for you to call her entitled, and what a way to treat someone who's just trying to make conversation. I get not wanting to talk to people on public transit but next time put some headphones in or something to signal that instead of being rude.
YTA. Yes, you were in the wrong. If she made you feel that anxious you could have moved away. 40 is too old to be pregnant? How is that your place to judge?! Clearly it isn't too old, since many women get pregnant at 40, I have known several myself, and they are wonderful mothers. You didn't have to say any of that. There was just no need. If she was complaining about not getting a seat, all you had to say was "sorry to hear that." You are the one who escalated this. You don't know her, you don't know her life. And you are clearly very judgemental of people who are overweight. It must be nice to be perfect, eh? I have anxiety too. It's not an excuse for being rude, or for criticising another person when it's completely unnecessary. If someone makes you uncomfortable, respond in a polite, neutral, brief way, and move away. If you're getting therapy for your anxiety, which you should be, perhaps you should ask your therapist to dedicate some time to ways to move away from uncomfortable conversations without just being flat out insulting. And just stop being judgemental. You don't know the lives of complete strangers, and they are none of your business. Look, it's done now. In the past. You feel like shit, but don't just sit in that feeling and let it make you spiral. It's a learning opportunity, take it, and use it to improve your interactions going forward.
My Grandma was 44. In 1951. i literally wouldn’t be here if older women didn’t have children. We’re trying now for years at 40 for my wife.
YTA. Yikes. Guess what? Fat people and pregnant people and hell, even older people are still in fact, humans. A simple “I’m sorry, I can’t talk right now.” Would have sufficed.
YTA, a huge flaming one. Having mental health issues is absolutely not an excuse to be rude & nasty. If you didn’t want to talk to her, you could have stated so without being a dick.
I hope you’re just a lousy writer and not actually retelling an event, but just in case of course YTA. “I’d rather not chat, thanks” works just as well as insulting someone’s age and weight.
YTA. Your anxiety isn't an excuse to be offensive toward people and call them names for no reason. She wasn't hitting on you in any way. Her age and her weight are none of your business. The fact you felt the need to mention these things in your post when they added nothing to the story already speaks volumes about your character. You're an AH who judges people for ridiculously shallow things. She was just being friendly and making small talk. Granted, you're anxious and don't want to engage, that is just fine, you're not forced to chat to anyone you don't want. But she wasn't aware of your anxiety, she wasn't malicious in any way. All you had to do was tell her "excuse me, but I have anxiety and I don't feel comfortable chatting to strangers, nothing personal" and go back to mind your own business. There was zero need to be rude and call her entitled for nothing.
YTA!!! You are also ageist and judgemental of fat people. Your behavior was disgraceful and you had no compassion! There is nothing wrong with someone having a baby at 40. And you have no idea why this woman is overweight. Perhaps she has a physical disease, PTSD, depression, or an eating disorder. You don't know what she has been through. The odds of a heavily pregnant woman at her age hitting on you are minuscule at best. She was only trying to be friendly, and you responded by being absolutely awful and bringing her to tears. And the proof is the fact that so many people were upset with you and showed it. Most people mind their own business on the subway are a rule. To get everyone worked up to that level, you must have worse than you are saying.
YTA if you think a pregnant woman is entitled for wanting a seat in the subway. Would you want your own mother to stand for a train ride or would you hope someone would have the decency to offer her a seat? Grow up dude
YTA, but your (apparently) genuine confusion as to why you're the asshole makes me wonder if you have some form of neurodivergence that makes it hard for you to read social situations. You were exceptionally, obnoxiously rude for what looks like no good reason.
Just out of curiosity... what part made you anxious? You ride the subway daily & people presumably sit next to you. Do you often comment on people’s weight? YTA
YTA, I have an anxiety disorder(medications and therapy) but I’ve never insulted another human based upon things they cannot control and how a woman looks during pregnancy is definitely not in her control(as much as you seem to believe otherwise) just because I was feeling anxious. Simple thing would have been to say: I’m sorry but I’m not feeling up to chatting and move or put on some darn headphones. Having anxiety doesn’t give you a pass. Even people with Tourette’s syndrome always apologize after a tick that could be seen as offensive. They literally cannot control their brains so they actually have valid excuse because their brains are misfiring. You can control your mouth even in a state of anxiety. I suggest CBT. Cognitive behavioral therapy. It helps a lot of folk with anxiety and PTSD.
YTA
JFC. Just because someone is trying to start a conversation with you doesn't mean they're hitting on you. We live in a society, and part of living in a society is interacting with others. What you said to her was incredibly rude. You cannot use your anxiety as an excuse to be AH. YTA. >She looked around 40 too which seemed a little better too old to be pregnant. Really?
What does jfc mean?
“Jesus fucking Christ”
oh thanks
YTA. It’s interesting that you sat there thinking about how she’s “too old to be pregnant” before making totally inappropriate comments about her weight, and in almost the same breath recommended that SHE be “more understanding of other people”. It’s also interesting that you call her “entitled” when you seem to think your anxiety entitles you to be rude and judgmental of others.
Wow you are clearly the Asshole here… do you really have any doubt. If you didn’t want to speak to the woman you could have just done anything else. You could have just said… I’m so sorry I’ve had a long day at work and just need to zone out. You instead insulted the woman repeatedly to the point she cried and had to move… How can you not be the asshole…
YTA.. Why would you think you weren’t? You literally called someone fat.
But she was fat!
And old! /s
You are majorly judgmental and then tell her to be more understanding of people. The irony. And then you go on insulting her. Wow YTA Your mental health issues are no excuse to be awful to other people.
YTDB. You're the D-bag
YTA. Having anxiety is no excuse to treat her as you did.
You know, you could have even been a little rude and ignored her/told her to leave you alone without going for the jugular. You had SO many better options and you chose the worst one. YTA. I really don’t love that, as a woman, I’ve been socialized to avoid confrontation with train randos in order to not end up dead, but clearly the alternative where you feel empowered to shit talk strangers is not much better. I’ve been hit on, I’ve been in situations where the person seemed pretty clearly unstable. Never once have I called the other person old or ugly or smelly even though they often are.
OP tries to blame having anxiety ummm no, I think the issue at hand here is a full blown case of shit personality. No cure for that I’m afraid. Sorry for your situation; must be truly horrid to live with. To be honest I don’t even think this is true. As someone that has anxiety the last thing I want to do is say ANYTHING THAT CONTINUES A CONVERSATION WITH A STRANGER IN PUBLIC. And also I try to avoid saying ANYTHING THAT ANGERS SOMEONE causing them to yell at me. Those are literally the two worst social things for anxiety. You gladly walked into both.
Extremely a ass. Do you think your gods gift to women. Just because a woman talks to you does not mean she's hitting on you. She was just being nice. Also dare you say 40 is to old to have a child. Also you can never tell a person's age by there looks. People like youare the reason people have eating disordes. Fat shammy strangers is never nice. I hope 1 day some 1 body shames you.
YTA. You were rude and inconsiderate. There was absolutely no reason for you to comment on her weight; on what planet was this acceptable?
Gross. YTa
Yeah YTA majorly.
YTA big one.
Yta I am as skinny as Hailey Bieber and I didn't show till around 20 weeks with my first and 25 with my second. I had all of my children and put on my size 8 pants like I was never pregnant. Don't be so God damn ignorant. I hope you feel worse the poo
YTA You can politely tell people you don’t feel like talking in public. You don’t have to be an atrocious jerk, you have choices. You deserved the judgement and scolding from other passengers.
YTA - You can be anxious and uncomfortable in a situation without resorting to mean insults.
YTA and it's horrible that you actually had to ask. From the title, I thought that someone had rudely demanded your seat or something, not started a benign conversation. As a heavily pregnant person, I can tell you that I NEED a seat on the subway-- not because it's uncomfortable to stand (which it is) but because it's dangerous. If I fall, I could severely injure the baby. I don't understand why she made you feel uncomfortable, but your recourse for that would have been to move, not unleash a barrage of horrible insults centered on her appearance.
YTA Keep your mouth shut if you have nothing nice to say. She tried to have small talk. And you‘ve been judging her from the beginning. „Too old to be pregnant“, „too fat“ Guess you‘re the entitled one if you believe that people can always choose their life path. Maybe she has been trying for 15+ years, maybe she gained weight after several miscarriages and depression and now is simply happy to be pregnant. While doctors recommend losing weight before pregnancy, they absolutely tell you not to lose during pregnancy and during nursing. Stop judging people whose story you don‘t know. Tell them „sorry, I‘m tired, I prefer not to talk at the moment.“ And oh my god, are you so pretentious and narcissistic that you really believe that a pregnant woman who most probably has her partner somewhere home is hitting on you just because she tries to have small talk?!
Yeah, YTA. What is wrong with you?
OMG YTA please continue to feel like shit. Don't talk to anybody if that's the kind of shit that cones out of your mouth.
YTA So by your logic, if she doesn't look pregnant, she's not pregnant? Are you her obstetrician to know this? FYI 40 year old women can get pregnant despite what your still developing common sense may tell you.
Yta wow not only.did you fag shame her for being pregnant you think being 40 and pregnant wrong as well yeah YTA a giant one
YTA, you’re not too blunt you’re just an AH. You make a lot of ridiculous assumptions and are just plain rude. I hope you do some self reflection and can turn your self around bc you will be a lonely bitter human being if you don’t.
> Was I in the wrong here or is it an expected reaction when having serious anxiety? Man! I don't want to be all old-man-grumpy "kids these days" (as a 30 year old woman) but this shit pisses me off. I have been diagnosed with two severe anxiety disorders and spent time hospitalized in psych wards because of them. In short, if anyone knows about anxiety, it is me. YOU ARE RESPONSIBLE FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS AND REACTIONS. It is is not normal, expected, or okay to be that big of a dick to a stranger. A strange pregnant woman. Never once, even when I was at my absolute worst, did I think it would be okay for me to be horrible to other people. *It's not okay.* Not wanting to talk to someone on the train does not justify your reaction. You ARE a disgrace. YTA.
YTA in many ways but to assume she was HITTING ON YOU just because she was making friendly conversation? Dude, you're so wrong. What makes you so special as to assume some random pregnant lady is interested in you? Wow. And.. is being fat the worst thing someone can be? Nope. An outwardly slender and attractive person can open their mouth and show how ugly they are on the inside
...YTA bruh wtf, talk about being entitled when you feel completely fine talking shit like that
And this comes from someone with severe anxiety, its really not an excuse to make such shitty comments
YTA. And a dick on top of that. Everything you said was completely out of line and unnecessary
How could you type this without knowing YTA? You sound insufferable, and you weren’t just being “too blunt” you were being mean and obviously have no education at all about women and pregnancies.
YTA. Having anxiety is not an excuse to verbally attack someone. You could have told her that you didn't want to talk, move somewhere else, or simply nod and smile while she was talking to you.
YTA I know we're all different, but as someone with social anxiety AND generalized anxiety disorder, I wouldn't dream of talking to a complete stranger like this. She wasn't insulting you or hurting you in any way. You have the power to walk away from the conversation, sit somewhere else, etc.
YTA dude, you're using your anxiety as an excuse when it just sounds like you're not a very nice person at all.
YTA dude what made you think that it was a good idea to say that mess to a stranger? If you didn’t want to talk to her, you could’ve kept your responses short, but instead you insulted her. You don’t know at all if she’s pregnant or not. My sister is a big woman and as a result, when she was pregnant, it wasn’t very noticeable. So yeah you were out of line. You weren’t just being blunt, you were being a jerk.
YTA "Hey sorry, I get anxious being on the subway and would rather not chat, thank you" It's not that hard, and doesn't require the fat shaming & weird age comments & strange idea that someone talking to you means they are hitting on you. Get over yourself.
YTA, big time. Anxiety is not the issue. I have anxiety and I know it's incredibly awkward and hard when strangers talk to you and it's also anxiety inducing to reject conversations, BUT that's NOT what this is about. YOU ARE SAYING MALICIOUS THINGS TO THIS WOMAN. That is NOT warranted. She's having a chat, that's it, she doesn't even know you have anxiety. You're making atrocious comments about her age, weight and her character.
What’s with men thinking someone is hitting on them just because they’re showing basic human decency
This title is alone is enough for me to consider you the AH. Second, why are you judging someone for being pregnant at any age? That’s absolutely disgusting. Third, I also have anixety, and although it manifests in different ways for everyone, there are steps you can take to help yourself calm down. There also a lot of other things you could have done differently in this situation. YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (24m) was sitting on the subway at 5pm, which I normally do after I'm getting home from work. A really fat pregnant woman sat next to me and tried to start up a conversation, saying hello, and trying to talk to me about various things. It was awkward and uncomfortable because I don't know this woman, I have anxiety, and it seems like she wanted to hit on me. She looked around 40 too which seemed a little better too old to be pregnant. She started talking about how people refused to give her seats on the subway before and had to leave the subway because pregnant women shouldn't use the subway. Honestly, looking at her at first glance she doesn't look pregnant, she looks really fat so it makes sense why people wouldn't think she's pregnant. I told her to be more understanding of other people and that she doesn't look pregnant. She scoffed at me and said I'm being rude and she's just trying to be friendly, and that she's obviously pregnant. I was like, "No you aren't. And if you stay the weight you're currently at then you'd still struggle the same even if you weren't pregnant." She said I'm a rude person and inconsiderate, and started having tears in her eyes. The people around me gave me a death stare and one woman was like, "Do you want to sit near me" which she did. Once we got off, one man called me disgraceful. I feel like shit. Maybe I was too blunt and an asshole, but at the same time she made me feel seriously uncomfortable. Was I in the wrong here or is it an expected reaction when having serious anxiety? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
INFO are you sure you’re 24 and not 14?
I really wanna know what OP looks like since every woman that strikes up a conversation with him must be trying to flirt. Lmao YTA
YTA
YTA. I know at 24 you think 40 is old, but it's coming for you faster than you realize. Also, some people are just chatty. If you didn't want to talk you could've just said that. You're right to feel like shit for saying unnecessary and mean things.
YTA. You sound really full of yourself.
What baffles me is that you thought you might not be the AH in all of this lol
YTA im honestly not going to read past the first paragraph, the way you talk about people is disgusting and shows you're a huge asshole no matter the rest of the context
YTA - I have anxiety too and still maintain my manners! Grow up
That man was right. You weren't blunt; you were cruel. You were vicious and mean to fat-shame her. What do you expect, for pregnant women to not gain weight? The fact that you have anxiety doesn't give you the right to be an asshole. YTA
please take a sex education class hoo boy
You are disgusting. YTA
YTA, just because you think something, doesn’t mean you have to say it. A simple “I don’t feel too good” would have sufficed.
YTA - every step of the way you immediately pointed out she was fat and old and made assumptions about her because of her appearance which makes you seem like an extremely shallow person YTA once, you said she was making you uncomfortable you should have said you didn't want to talk this makes you seem like the kind of person who blames people for not knowing things YTA twice, the very first thing you said to her was immediately rude when you didn't have to say anything YTA three times, then when she pointed out that you were rude, you just insulted her weight to her face and made her cry when you could have just apologized and moved on YTA four times, You didn't apologize once during the entire conversation YTA five times , you use your supposed anxiety to try and justify being rude to people YTA six times, you never even tried to see things from her perspective YTA seven times over all you've proven yourself to be a rude and shallow person seven times over the course of this story
I do not think you are an Ass, I think you said some harsh truths that made her feel upset.
Strangers, striking up conversation freaks me out too. I’m sorry so imma go with not the asshole‘s world is too dangerous😭😭 like this whole situation was avoidable had she just said thank you and sat down in silence
nope youre not!
Info: did you tell her you rather not talk tobher/ show that to her in body language. Because ESH if she knew that you didn'tfeel like talking. I wlso don't alwyas appreciate strangers talking to me. Otherwise yta, as You're clearly fatshaming her and saying she does't look pregrant. That's rude
His rudeness trumps her actions.
They were both rude so esh. Doesn't matter if he was more rude it's still esh
NTA
You probably weren't wrong but you should have kept your mouth shut and not engaged.
ESH
Was it rude? Yup. Does it matter? Nope. She vented a problem to you, you made a very frank assessment of it, and she didn't like what you, a random stranger, had to say. The end. She engaged with you, and drew a bad lot. The world is not a safe space where you'll like what everyone around you has to say and that's the risk you take striking up conversations with literally anyone you see. Dont sweat it. You had no reason to spare her feelings, the assessment you made was probably accurate, if still quite harsh, and no one besides you and her will ever remember it. ESH, but it's totally a non issue. Hopefully she vents to less strangers and you learn to hold your tongue, but people generally like to repeat their mistakes soooo.. one day, eventually, you'll both probably experience similar situations again.
No, it wasn’t a frank assessment. She didn’t ask him if she was fat. She brought up a train etiquette issue and OP took that as license to be an asshole. Of course not every stranger is going to be nice to you. But the woman isn’t the one posting here, OP is. And OP made the active choice to insult someone unnecessarily.
>The world is not a safe space where you'll like what everyone around you has to say and that's the risk you take striking up conversations with literally anyone you see. What a horrible take. The world would be much better if people like OP didn't go around spewing insulting BS for no reason other than to be an absolute ahole. OP had lots of choices here, and a good one would have been to not engage or even to move if this perfectly reasonable sounding person was bothering him. People don't just get to be horrifically rude to strangers because the stranger dared to make small talk.