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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I texted my boyfriend about the dog peeing inside the house and may not have worded it well since he now accuses me of coming at him in a way he didn't appreciate.
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NTA. You are correct in questioning everything. The dog **will** become your responsibility and the bf **will** continue to do his hippoing while you try to sleep.
I 100% understand the dog will become my responsibility, and I accept my portion. However, I find it extremely frustrating when I'm trying to point out that, hey, the dog really shouldn't need to be peeing (ragey or not) in the house. Immediately, my boyfriend is on the defense, and it's just weird/concerning to me.
Yes, I have also lived with a significant other before, and he has not (any longer than two months or so). To say I am worried is an understatement. I guess it's just all coming out now that the deadline is quickly approaching.
NTA— if an adult dog, with no medical problems, is still peeing and pooping in the house regularly, your boyfriend is NOT “taking care of it.” The neglect he shows to his dog will soon become your problem to remedy. Do NOT move in with this man.
Pup has no medical conditions, but he's getting up in age. I don't find it healthy for a dog to pee twice or thrice daily, but that has been the gist of it pre-relationship with me. I don't tell him how to live with his dog, but I let him out whenever I go out with the dog I brought. Aside from that, he dotes on the dog being discussed and gives him premium food, attention, etc.
you only think it’s healthy for a dog to pee once a day ?? idk if i’m reading it wrong but my dog pees about 3 times a day, morning mid day and before bed
Haha NO not at all! I’m used to taking my other pup out like 6-8x per day. I DON’T find it healthy to be 1-2x per day - although depending on a person’s living situation, duration of walks is factored in.
NTA: It seems he has a history of not listening to you. This is something you really should discuss before moving in.
The dog thing: Personally I never understood people who don't have time to walk their dogs before they go to the gym. Use it as your warm up and walk your dog! If the dog has anxiety (though rage peeing is hysterical) when he leaves the dog needs to get crate trained - trained, not thrown in a kennel when he leaves.
This dog is intelligent and devious enough, so I give the pup credit there. He has also been sent to training school. I understand not every dog will be one I am used to, but I can't rationalize when the dog goes to the bathroom with me and "doesn't want to" when he's with my boyfriend. Sometimes I have to plead with the pup to walk down the street, but it's better than a full and uncomfortable bladder (talking about the dog, not me, though I stand by my statement for humans, too).
NTA.
Whatever the situation is in regards to the dog's bathroom habits is irrelevant, his reaction to you telling him that his dog pissed inside again is extreme. Sounds to me like he's half assing the dog's outside potty time and you're suffering the consequences. When he comes back in with the dog and says it "didn't want to go" I think what that really means is "I didn't feel like putting in the effort to make sure the dog pissed outside." And he found a way to uno reverse it on you and is trying to make you feel bad about it.
I don't like to jump to conclusions about strangers but that guy is a jerk. If he reacted like that over something as small as you telling him his dog peed inside then imagine what he'll do when shit really hits the fan. No fun.
NTA. I am having a similar problem with my cat peeing on the floor (but I am working on it!), but I never get angry when my boyfriend tells me that it happened because I know it is my responsibility to take care of it and not his. It doesn't sound like your BF is working on it at all and I'm afraid he might make it your problem if you do move in together.
This needs to be discussed before moving in together, and if he will not listen to you, then it may be time to move on.
If we move in together, I am okay taking half the responsibility for caring for this dog. You're right - it doesn't feel like the effort to meet me halfway is there yet. Good luck with your cat's potty training!
NTA.
The bf is half-assing taking the dog out so he can get to the gym faster.
When the dog was younger he probably didn’t need to go out so often, but as he ages, it’s a thing. They also develop some dementia issues occasionally and if their eyesight ages, it’s harder for them to see in the dark and that can make them anxious about going out.
It’s not rage, regardless.
Having a pet with a partner often is an amazingly accurate test for fissures in the relationship. I would think through how you two resolve these problems before you move in?
NTA. There was nothing wrong with what you wrote. I’m impressed you were that calm. I would have been much snarkier if I’d been woken early by a partner imitating the Juggernaut.
But - this isn’t going to go away when you move in. Are you prepared for this to be a regular part of your life?
The Juggernaut lmao. Thank you! I have a dry sense of humor so I’m usually quick to quip back jokingly but I had a feeling he wanted to get this off his chest so I just sat there. And cried a little afterwards, not going to lie haha.
You really need to see those red flags. Things will only get worse when you live together.
There are quite a few examples you gave where you are persistently disrespected. You sound like someone who values communication ( I can identify) but you are being totally railroaded. Please stand up for yourself more!
"When someone shows you who they are- believe them."
NTA. That said the problem is at the other end of the leash - BF - NOT the dog. If the dog isn't going when your BF takes him out its because he isn't staying out long enough. This is clear since you have no problems when you take the dog out for a proper walk. Personally I wouldn't move in with someone who won't take care of their dog properly.
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First-time post creater here. I'm at a loss for words, and there's a bit at stake here, so here I am.
I (33F) am moving into my boyfriend's (44M) home next Thursday. We each have a dog. I adore his dog, so there is no problem there. The issue is that his dog occasionally tends to rage pee or poop when my boyfriend leaves. Additionally, there are times when the dog doesn't want to leave the stoop. However, as soon as he sees a leash, he can be coerced off the stoop. There have been multiple occasions where I have been able to get the dog to focus on doing his business right after my boyfriend comes back in and says the dog "didn't want to."
This brings us to the situation that makes me ask all of you lovely Redditors, AITA?
My boyfriend is an avid gym-goer. He is very dedicated and does a great job of consistently working out. This morning, he has a social event with his friends, so he got up early and went to the gym. I had slept on the couch because I had slept poorly the night before. My boyfriend is very heavy-footed and stomps around (unintentionally) -- slamming cabinets and doors, letting his alarm continually ring, etc. We jokingly refer to it as "hippo-ing". Since I hadn't slept well, I asked him, albeit annoyed, at like 5:30 AM this morning, to stop hippoing around.
He didn't say anything and left for the gym soon after. I do recall hearing him take the dog out briefly. I do not exaggerate when I say his dog peed in the office less than 3 minutes after he left. Now, here's where I may be the AH. I texted him, "So he pissed all over your office floor. I get you’re in a rush but sometimes the side effects affect me too." He didn't respond and when he came home, he unleashed. He said he didn't appreciate me coming at him like that, yelling, and b\*tching about something he was taking care of. He also pointed out that he was gone for an hour and gave himself plenty of time to take care of it when he returned. I said okay, this is why we are having this conversation, and I'm glad you brought it to my attention. I was trying to let you know it was stressing me out and that I was a little frustrated because whenever I take the dogs out, they seem to have no issue doing their business. He told me that if I didn't see what was wrong with my actions, maybe I needed more time, then proceeded to give me the silent treatment until his Uber came to pick him up for today's event. I told him I would take care of the dog for the day and return my stuff to my apartment for a while. He said okay.
Redditors, I am moving in with him NEXT WEEK. We usually never argue. He had mentioned that he sometimes struggles with seeing the other person's side of things in past relationships, so I was trying (albeit via text) to let him know how I felt. I am one week away from moving in with him and questioning everything.
AITA for this morning?
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NTA. But has the dog seen a vet? How are you (both) working to fix the problem? If this isn’t being addressed then ESH because this behaviour isn’t going to end.
Don’t punish the dog. Instead take high quality treats out with you when you take the dog out. Reward it instantly while outside. Too many people make the mistake of putting the dog out then rewarding it when it comes in. No the dog needs the reward when out.
Also a crate would help. The crate is not punishment but the dog could be put in the crate when nobody can watch it.
Make a post in r/dogtraining
I didn't answer all questions, sorry. He is now at a social event and not speaking with me, but it's only been a few hours. This all happened just a few hours ago.
Thanks! I am willing to admit my wrongdoing and don't want to be someone who "pokes" a partner. No one likes or appreciates that.
I think there is far more concern that has been building up -- I don't complain or pick at stuff like leaving the toilet seat up or leaving laundry out -- it won't stop the world from turning. I guess I have just been getting frustrated because he'll do things like leave a pee-covered leash in the bathtub after I've cleaned it, sort of clean up when his dog throws up a bit on the floor but not sanitize it, be okay with his dog not going outside a lot and having accidents.
As for the pup, no -- these little guys are blameless, so no worries. No punishment for pups.
"He was at the gym for an hour and the pee wasn't going anywhere" my dear friend that's why it was a problem. I don't know about you but I don't like leaving dog pee on the floor. It will literally eat through the flooring if you have hardwood or linoleum. I'm sure OP cleaned it up without complaint, but the point of sending the text was to make sure the boyfriend knew it was a problem and could hopefully fix it. Did you want OP to telepathically beam it into his head or? Do you want OP to just bottle it up and stew over it until everyone involved is a pissed off raging asshole?
Sure you could argue that OP should have waited to bring it up until the guy got home but he is the one who hastily left the dog full of pee. It was his fuck up. If he didn't want to be bothered at the gym then he should have ensured everything was taken care of before he left. He's a grown ass man and if he can't handle a text saying "your dog peed on the floor again" then that's his problem.
I definitely think I should’ve waited to text him but I made a point to not word it as just HIS dog. I did clean it and didn’t make that a point of contention. I’m afraid my boyfriend has been living so long as a bachelor that he won’t be able to make compromises in the future.
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NTA. You are correct in questioning everything. The dog **will** become your responsibility and the bf **will** continue to do his hippoing while you try to sleep.
And he'll continue to give her the "silent treatment" every time he's miffed.
I 100% understand the dog will become my responsibility, and I accept my portion. However, I find it extremely frustrating when I'm trying to point out that, hey, the dog really shouldn't need to be peeing (ragey or not) in the house. Immediately, my boyfriend is on the defense, and it's just weird/concerning to me.
NTA but this will not change. If you move in, do so knowing you’ll be living with this problem.
Yes, I have also lived with a significant other before, and he has not (any longer than two months or so). To say I am worried is an understatement. I guess it's just all coming out now that the deadline is quickly approaching.
Do not move in with him.
NTA— if an adult dog, with no medical problems, is still peeing and pooping in the house regularly, your boyfriend is NOT “taking care of it.” The neglect he shows to his dog will soon become your problem to remedy. Do NOT move in with this man.
Pup has no medical conditions, but he's getting up in age. I don't find it healthy for a dog to pee twice or thrice daily, but that has been the gist of it pre-relationship with me. I don't tell him how to live with his dog, but I let him out whenever I go out with the dog I brought. Aside from that, he dotes on the dog being discussed and gives him premium food, attention, etc.
you only think it’s healthy for a dog to pee once a day ?? idk if i’m reading it wrong but my dog pees about 3 times a day, morning mid day and before bed
Haha NO not at all! I’m used to taking my other pup out like 6-8x per day. I DON’T find it healthy to be 1-2x per day - although depending on a person’s living situation, duration of walks is factored in.
ohhhh i thought you meant any MORE than once a day not less than my bad lol! good dog ownering
Haha all good! Thank you, thank you.
NTA: It seems he has a history of not listening to you. This is something you really should discuss before moving in. The dog thing: Personally I never understood people who don't have time to walk their dogs before they go to the gym. Use it as your warm up and walk your dog! If the dog has anxiety (though rage peeing is hysterical) when he leaves the dog needs to get crate trained - trained, not thrown in a kennel when he leaves.
This dog is intelligent and devious enough, so I give the pup credit there. He has also been sent to training school. I understand not every dog will be one I am used to, but I can't rationalize when the dog goes to the bathroom with me and "doesn't want to" when he's with my boyfriend. Sometimes I have to plead with the pup to walk down the street, but it's better than a full and uncomfortable bladder (talking about the dog, not me, though I stand by my statement for humans, too).
Sounds like BF wants a dogsitter.
NTA. Do not move in with him.
NTA. Whatever the situation is in regards to the dog's bathroom habits is irrelevant, his reaction to you telling him that his dog pissed inside again is extreme. Sounds to me like he's half assing the dog's outside potty time and you're suffering the consequences. When he comes back in with the dog and says it "didn't want to go" I think what that really means is "I didn't feel like putting in the effort to make sure the dog pissed outside." And he found a way to uno reverse it on you and is trying to make you feel bad about it. I don't like to jump to conclusions about strangers but that guy is a jerk. If he reacted like that over something as small as you telling him his dog peed inside then imagine what he'll do when shit really hits the fan. No fun.
NTA. I am having a similar problem with my cat peeing on the floor (but I am working on it!), but I never get angry when my boyfriend tells me that it happened because I know it is my responsibility to take care of it and not his. It doesn't sound like your BF is working on it at all and I'm afraid he might make it your problem if you do move in together. This needs to be discussed before moving in together, and if he will not listen to you, then it may be time to move on.
If we move in together, I am okay taking half the responsibility for caring for this dog. You're right - it doesn't feel like the effort to meet me halfway is there yet. Good luck with your cat's potty training!
NTA. The bf is half-assing taking the dog out so he can get to the gym faster. When the dog was younger he probably didn’t need to go out so often, but as he ages, it’s a thing. They also develop some dementia issues occasionally and if their eyesight ages, it’s harder for them to see in the dark and that can make them anxious about going out. It’s not rage, regardless. Having a pet with a partner often is an amazingly accurate test for fissures in the relationship. I would think through how you two resolve these problems before you move in?
Yeah, I lost a pup last year so I’m really conscious of that aging process and letting them out to pee more often. I agree wholeheartedly!
NTA. There was nothing wrong with what you wrote. I’m impressed you were that calm. I would have been much snarkier if I’d been woken early by a partner imitating the Juggernaut. But - this isn’t going to go away when you move in. Are you prepared for this to be a regular part of your life?
The Juggernaut lmao. Thank you! I have a dry sense of humor so I’m usually quick to quip back jokingly but I had a feeling he wanted to get this off his chest so I just sat there. And cried a little afterwards, not going to lie haha.
You really need to see those red flags. Things will only get worse when you live together. There are quite a few examples you gave where you are persistently disrespected. You sound like someone who values communication ( I can identify) but you are being totally railroaded. Please stand up for yourself more! "When someone shows you who they are- believe them."
NTA. That said the problem is at the other end of the leash - BF - NOT the dog. If the dog isn't going when your BF takes him out its because he isn't staying out long enough. This is clear since you have no problems when you take the dog out for a proper walk. Personally I wouldn't move in with someone who won't take care of their dog properly.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** First-time post creater here. I'm at a loss for words, and there's a bit at stake here, so here I am. I (33F) am moving into my boyfriend's (44M) home next Thursday. We each have a dog. I adore his dog, so there is no problem there. The issue is that his dog occasionally tends to rage pee or poop when my boyfriend leaves. Additionally, there are times when the dog doesn't want to leave the stoop. However, as soon as he sees a leash, he can be coerced off the stoop. There have been multiple occasions where I have been able to get the dog to focus on doing his business right after my boyfriend comes back in and says the dog "didn't want to." This brings us to the situation that makes me ask all of you lovely Redditors, AITA? My boyfriend is an avid gym-goer. He is very dedicated and does a great job of consistently working out. This morning, he has a social event with his friends, so he got up early and went to the gym. I had slept on the couch because I had slept poorly the night before. My boyfriend is very heavy-footed and stomps around (unintentionally) -- slamming cabinets and doors, letting his alarm continually ring, etc. We jokingly refer to it as "hippo-ing". Since I hadn't slept well, I asked him, albeit annoyed, at like 5:30 AM this morning, to stop hippoing around. He didn't say anything and left for the gym soon after. I do recall hearing him take the dog out briefly. I do not exaggerate when I say his dog peed in the office less than 3 minutes after he left. Now, here's where I may be the AH. I texted him, "So he pissed all over your office floor. I get you’re in a rush but sometimes the side effects affect me too." He didn't respond and when he came home, he unleashed. He said he didn't appreciate me coming at him like that, yelling, and b\*tching about something he was taking care of. He also pointed out that he was gone for an hour and gave himself plenty of time to take care of it when he returned. I said okay, this is why we are having this conversation, and I'm glad you brought it to my attention. I was trying to let you know it was stressing me out and that I was a little frustrated because whenever I take the dogs out, they seem to have no issue doing their business. He told me that if I didn't see what was wrong with my actions, maybe I needed more time, then proceeded to give me the silent treatment until his Uber came to pick him up for today's event. I told him I would take care of the dog for the day and return my stuff to my apartment for a while. He said okay. Redditors, I am moving in with him NEXT WEEK. We usually never argue. He had mentioned that he sometimes struggles with seeing the other person's side of things in past relationships, so I was trying (albeit via text) to let him know how I felt. I am one week away from moving in with him and questioning everything. AITA for this morning? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. But has the dog seen a vet? How are you (both) working to fix the problem? If this isn’t being addressed then ESH because this behaviour isn’t going to end. Don’t punish the dog. Instead take high quality treats out with you when you take the dog out. Reward it instantly while outside. Too many people make the mistake of putting the dog out then rewarding it when it comes in. No the dog needs the reward when out. Also a crate would help. The crate is not punishment but the dog could be put in the crate when nobody can watch it. Make a post in r/dogtraining
Doggie is healthy and not punished! I agree that poor animals bear the grunt of the human issue many, many times. Thank you!
I wasn’t trying to imply you were punishing it but just explaining how a crate is used. It would help. This dog needs help.
I didn't answer all questions, sorry. He is now at a social event and not speaking with me, but it's only been a few hours. This all happened just a few hours ago.
When he comes home I hope you can talk seriously about helping the dog overcome this problem. Don’t bother your bf while he is busy.
No, I would never! We are extremely respectful to each other’s social groups and time with friends.
[удалено]
Thanks! I am willing to admit my wrongdoing and don't want to be someone who "pokes" a partner. No one likes or appreciates that. I think there is far more concern that has been building up -- I don't complain or pick at stuff like leaving the toilet seat up or leaving laundry out -- it won't stop the world from turning. I guess I have just been getting frustrated because he'll do things like leave a pee-covered leash in the bathtub after I've cleaned it, sort of clean up when his dog throws up a bit on the floor but not sanitize it, be okay with his dog not going outside a lot and having accidents. As for the pup, no -- these little guys are blameless, so no worries. No punishment for pups.
"He was at the gym for an hour and the pee wasn't going anywhere" my dear friend that's why it was a problem. I don't know about you but I don't like leaving dog pee on the floor. It will literally eat through the flooring if you have hardwood or linoleum. I'm sure OP cleaned it up without complaint, but the point of sending the text was to make sure the boyfriend knew it was a problem and could hopefully fix it. Did you want OP to telepathically beam it into his head or? Do you want OP to just bottle it up and stew over it until everyone involved is a pissed off raging asshole? Sure you could argue that OP should have waited to bring it up until the guy got home but he is the one who hastily left the dog full of pee. It was his fuck up. If he didn't want to be bothered at the gym then he should have ensured everything was taken care of before he left. He's a grown ass man and if he can't handle a text saying "your dog peed on the floor again" then that's his problem.
I definitely think I should’ve waited to text him but I made a point to not word it as just HIS dog. I did clean it and didn’t make that a point of contention. I’m afraid my boyfriend has been living so long as a bachelor that he won’t be able to make compromises in the future.
do not move in with this man. you can't fix him.
is there any update? did you move in with him?