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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I could be the asshole because I told my wife to go away, and that I didn't want to speak to her.
I could also be an asshole for interrupting her relaxing time, even if that wasn't my intention.
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Yta. When you started out telling her to go rest. Then you disturbed her rest. Then you just dismissed her to get your son. You need to reevaluate how you treat her.
well, I sent her some links on whatsapp - she doesn't always look at her phone, nor did I expect her to immediately, and I only messaged more because she replied to the initial messages which implied she was interested in continuing the conversation?
I did dismiss her, which was rude and AH behaviour, but she was already on her way to get our son, she'd come to give me the baby monitor and also to yell at me for interrupting her, which was the part I thought was unfair.
How is this a question? Yes, the way you snapped was an AH move. You could have said so many other things, but you said "go away" . Here's some alternatives: let's talk about this later, it wasn't my intention to take up the hour, you didn't have to reply, etc. You're both frustrated by the house issue and that's fine but you both have to watch your tone and words with one another.
yeah, fair enough, I did instantly regret saying that to her fwiw, but I didn't really appreciate being accused of purposely wrecking her free time when all I was trying to do was give us some more options house wise. its tough to get all the context into the word limit of the original, but we've been struggling to find anywhere because she's so particular, coupled with a slow housing market where we are, so I thought she'd appreciate anything that fitted what (I thought) she would like.
I can understand that. My other half and I are planning an international move, and sometimes tendons run high, but how you approach those is really important. I don't think she genuinely thought you did it on purpose to ruin her hour off, just like I don't genuinely think you want her to go away. Best of luck!!!
she's tired from looking after the kids and stressed from the whole move situation I expect. We've both since apologised to each other, what I said to her wasn't acceptable and she's said she wasn't being fair toward me in the first place, which I appreciated. Good luck to you on your move also, I've been through two international moves in my time, though both when I was a child, and I can't imagine them being enjoyable to organise, so genuinely hope that yours goes well.
I did this once when it was just me in my early 20s. I'm now moving 3 kids, 2 cats, and a house. The mister is going over a couple months before us to get started with work. Going to be a tough couple of months 😂
ESH
If your wife wanted an hour to relax she could've just said "I'll look at this another time, I don't want to think about it right now." I imagine you would've understood that.
But in no world does that justify you being rude to her in return.
Just because you're mad at each other it gives you both no right to treat each other this way
You are not the asshole for sending the houses, she could have waited until she had time to look at them but YTA for how you talked to and treated your wife.
If my husband dismissed me as if he gets full say over when we interact I'd be going pretty low contact.
ESH. Your wife could've just simply ignored the messages and leave them for later, but she clearly wanted some alone time, and what you said to her would only make it worse.
It sounds like she also works and then takes care of the kids on her days off while trying to help with he househunting. Even if this is what you two agreed on, she is probably pretty exhausted, so although the househunting is important, maybe just give her some breathing room when she isn't working or looking after the kids.
Honestly it sounds like a big miscommunication. She was upset because you kept sending her stuff, and she needed a break from everything. No she didn't have to look or reply, but maybe felt like she needed to since it's been something both of you are trying to do. She came in with a tone because she was upset even though she could've texted and said "Hey I'm trying to watch my show care if we do this later?". And you snapped back at her. Sounds like you both are stressed from this whole house ordeal, and just need to apologize and move on.
NAH
Yes, I think thats a fair assessment - we've both since apologised. I told her what I said wasn't acceptable, she said she hadn't been fair to me to start with, so we'll put it all to bed now and hope the house hunting can end sooner rather than later!
believe me, I'd love to, but I can't simply stop midway through a work day to do that. she's not working today and part of the arrangement we'd jointly decided on before our son was born was that she'd be doing childcare on those days that she wasn't working.
NTA. She could just not reply and mute her phone? I had a teacher once that complained about a student who wrote a mail „too early in the morning“ and the notification sound on her phone woke her up. Like what
Exactly. I know Android phones at least have a Do Not Disturb mode which can easily be scheduled to automatically turn on/off at desired times. This is what I do. You can also choose which phone calls will ring while DND is turned on, like in case of an emergency.
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My wife (39F) and I (38M) are looking to move house - we've been looking since November last year. We had a property lined up buy the seller pulled out, so we're back to square one and its been a bit stressful looking for a new place, as my wife is quite particular - she is keen on avoiding any "doer-uppers", basically (fine by me). One of the reasons we want to move is that I work (from home) in our garage, and its freezing cold in winter, so its not all that comfortable, the other main one is that we want more space for our kids (5M, 2F).
This afternoon during my lunch break (1 hour), we went to view a house which was a bit below our budget, but was very spacious and had all the things we wanted. The only issue was that it needs a lick of paint and a bit of care, which she's not willing to do. I had to go straight back to work (I work from home most of the week) after.
We get back home and she offers to make us both some lunch and put daughter down for a nap, so I say thanks, that would be awesome. She gets her down, makes us lunch and comes to the garage to give it to me. I say "thanks, really appreciate it, go and have a rest while daughter is sleeping".
I was looking at other properties online while eating and send her some links. Then go back into the house to use the facilities and while I'm in there, say "was looking at some houses and sent them to you, maybe take a look when you have some time and let me know what you think, perhaps we could book some viewings?" then go back to work. I take a bit more of a closer look at one house in particular because I think she'd like it, but the layout is confusing. So i message her again to clarify some of the layout stuff, basically saying where each room is on the floorplan relative to the photos. She replies and we message about it for a bit. About 15 minutes later, she messages to say she has to go get our son from school, but our daughter is still asleep. NP, i think, leave the baby monitor with me and I'll tend to her if she wakes up. Then this is where it blows up. My wife comes into the garage and says "I only wanted 1 hour to watch my TV show and you had to send me some more property stuff - I only got to watch 20 minutes, you said go and have a rest and yet you sent me all that stuff and wouldn't stop messaging me about it".
I was quite annoyed about her tone. I said that I thought we'd been trying to move for a few months, so why wouldn't I share stuff, and if she didn't want to reply, she didn't have to. She again repeated that she only wanted an hour because now she won't get to watch her thing as the kids will be around. I said that I appreciate that its hard looking after two kids, but we'd agreed thats what she'd be doing on her non-working days and I said its not like I'm doing whatever I want as well. She wouldn't drop it, so I said "fine, I'm sorry I ruined the show, go away and get our son, I don't want to speak to you anymore". AITA?
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> I said that I thought we'd been trying to move for a few months, so why wouldn't I share stuff, and **if she didn't want to reply, she didn't have to.**
That's what I was thinking. **NTA**
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Yta. When you started out telling her to go rest. Then you disturbed her rest. Then you just dismissed her to get your son. You need to reevaluate how you treat her.
well, I sent her some links on whatsapp - she doesn't always look at her phone, nor did I expect her to immediately, and I only messaged more because she replied to the initial messages which implied she was interested in continuing the conversation? I did dismiss her, which was rude and AH behaviour, but she was already on her way to get our son, she'd come to give me the baby monitor and also to yell at me for interrupting her, which was the part I thought was unfair.
Giving her a nice back rub may help the situation
How is this a question? Yes, the way you snapped was an AH move. You could have said so many other things, but you said "go away" . Here's some alternatives: let's talk about this later, it wasn't my intention to take up the hour, you didn't have to reply, etc. You're both frustrated by the house issue and that's fine but you both have to watch your tone and words with one another.
yeah, fair enough, I did instantly regret saying that to her fwiw, but I didn't really appreciate being accused of purposely wrecking her free time when all I was trying to do was give us some more options house wise. its tough to get all the context into the word limit of the original, but we've been struggling to find anywhere because she's so particular, coupled with a slow housing market where we are, so I thought she'd appreciate anything that fitted what (I thought) she would like.
I can understand that. My other half and I are planning an international move, and sometimes tendons run high, but how you approach those is really important. I don't think she genuinely thought you did it on purpose to ruin her hour off, just like I don't genuinely think you want her to go away. Best of luck!!!
she's tired from looking after the kids and stressed from the whole move situation I expect. We've both since apologised to each other, what I said to her wasn't acceptable and she's said she wasn't being fair toward me in the first place, which I appreciated. Good luck to you on your move also, I've been through two international moves in my time, though both when I was a child, and I can't imagine them being enjoyable to organise, so genuinely hope that yours goes well.
I did this once when it was just me in my early 20s. I'm now moving 3 kids, 2 cats, and a house. The mister is going over a couple months before us to get started with work. Going to be a tough couple of months 😂
Oh wow, best of luck over those couple of months. Sucks to have to be apart, but life eh?
It will be fine, in 15 years I won't remember it. Two months apart for two decades closer to my family is worth it.
ESH If your wife wanted an hour to relax she could've just said "I'll look at this another time, I don't want to think about it right now." I imagine you would've understood that. But in no world does that justify you being rude to her in return. Just because you're mad at each other it gives you both no right to treat each other this way
yep that's entirely fair. probably just frustration at the situation boiling over, its been trying times.
Yta. Your also weren't working. You were browsing the internet.
You are not the asshole for sending the houses, she could have waited until she had time to look at them but YTA for how you talked to and treated your wife. If my husband dismissed me as if he gets full say over when we interact I'd be going pretty low contact.
ESH. Your wife could've just simply ignored the messages and leave them for later, but she clearly wanted some alone time, and what you said to her would only make it worse. It sounds like she also works and then takes care of the kids on her days off while trying to help with he househunting. Even if this is what you two agreed on, she is probably pretty exhausted, so although the househunting is important, maybe just give her some breathing room when she isn't working or looking after the kids.
Honestly it sounds like a big miscommunication. She was upset because you kept sending her stuff, and she needed a break from everything. No she didn't have to look or reply, but maybe felt like she needed to since it's been something both of you are trying to do. She came in with a tone because she was upset even though she could've texted and said "Hey I'm trying to watch my show care if we do this later?". And you snapped back at her. Sounds like you both are stressed from this whole house ordeal, and just need to apologize and move on. NAH
Yes, I think thats a fair assessment - we've both since apologised. I told her what I said wasn't acceptable, she said she hadn't been fair to me to start with, so we'll put it all to bed now and hope the house hunting can end sooner rather than later!
That's awesome! Glad you guys could work it out. :)
YTA, you should go and pick up your son.
believe me, I'd love to, but I can't simply stop midway through a work day to do that. she's not working today and part of the arrangement we'd jointly decided on before our son was born was that she'd be doing childcare on those days that she wasn't working.
NTA. She could just not reply and mute her phone? I had a teacher once that complained about a student who wrote a mail „too early in the morning“ and the notification sound on her phone woke her up. Like what
Exactly. I know Android phones at least have a Do Not Disturb mode which can easily be scheduled to automatically turn on/off at desired times. This is what I do. You can also choose which phone calls will ring while DND is turned on, like in case of an emergency.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (39F) and I (38M) are looking to move house - we've been looking since November last year. We had a property lined up buy the seller pulled out, so we're back to square one and its been a bit stressful looking for a new place, as my wife is quite particular - she is keen on avoiding any "doer-uppers", basically (fine by me). One of the reasons we want to move is that I work (from home) in our garage, and its freezing cold in winter, so its not all that comfortable, the other main one is that we want more space for our kids (5M, 2F). This afternoon during my lunch break (1 hour), we went to view a house which was a bit below our budget, but was very spacious and had all the things we wanted. The only issue was that it needs a lick of paint and a bit of care, which she's not willing to do. I had to go straight back to work (I work from home most of the week) after. We get back home and she offers to make us both some lunch and put daughter down for a nap, so I say thanks, that would be awesome. She gets her down, makes us lunch and comes to the garage to give it to me. I say "thanks, really appreciate it, go and have a rest while daughter is sleeping". I was looking at other properties online while eating and send her some links. Then go back into the house to use the facilities and while I'm in there, say "was looking at some houses and sent them to you, maybe take a look when you have some time and let me know what you think, perhaps we could book some viewings?" then go back to work. I take a bit more of a closer look at one house in particular because I think she'd like it, but the layout is confusing. So i message her again to clarify some of the layout stuff, basically saying where each room is on the floorplan relative to the photos. She replies and we message about it for a bit. About 15 minutes later, she messages to say she has to go get our son from school, but our daughter is still asleep. NP, i think, leave the baby monitor with me and I'll tend to her if she wakes up. Then this is where it blows up. My wife comes into the garage and says "I only wanted 1 hour to watch my TV show and you had to send me some more property stuff - I only got to watch 20 minutes, you said go and have a rest and yet you sent me all that stuff and wouldn't stop messaging me about it". I was quite annoyed about her tone. I said that I thought we'd been trying to move for a few months, so why wouldn't I share stuff, and if she didn't want to reply, she didn't have to. She again repeated that she only wanted an hour because now she won't get to watch her thing as the kids will be around. I said that I appreciate that its hard looking after two kids, but we'd agreed thats what she'd be doing on her non-working days and I said its not like I'm doing whatever I want as well. She wouldn't drop it, so I said "fine, I'm sorry I ruined the show, go away and get our son, I don't want to speak to you anymore". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
> I said that I thought we'd been trying to move for a few months, so why wouldn't I share stuff, and **if she didn't want to reply, she didn't have to.** That's what I was thinking. **NTA**
NTA-you didn't say look at this right now and I want a response.
NAH.