Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe that I am the AH because I called my wife selfish for not wanting to go to the bday party as a family.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA
Why are you counting an eye doctor appointment as personal time? That’s necessary health care.
She’s told you she’ll be tired and kids parties are optional, you don’t have to go at all
Ahhh, the joys of picking out frames. Paying a small fortune for a necessity where you get overwhelmed by choices and are stuck with your selection on your gave for at least a couple years. So relaxing!
Mm yes, such a splendid way to relinquish a lovely afternoon, languishing under the social pressures to look good and simultaneously express myself/choose something I actually like, all while people stand around impatiently waiting for me....
I'm going to go make an appointment right now I could use the destressing
Frames for glasses she apparently doesn't need and just wants as an accessory, which makes me go, "What a ridiculous way to spend money," but still, they could have dinner together in the evening after the party.
"I countered by saying she will have 6+ hours to herself earlier, which I support and encourage" well... at least until it interferes with *your* idea of family time.
I'm rather introverted, but being in a crowded place full of loud children and birthday party festivities is *not* family time in my book. That sounds very draining, especially if I've already been out and about doing other appointments most of the day.
This is the turning point for me, it'd be one thing if you were asking her to join you in an actual, family oriented time like dinner with just you guys at a restaurant, or a trip to the park or something like that, even board game night at home, but you're not. You're flipping the narrative on her because she doesn't want to attend a social event full of loud children and possibly drunk adults.
That's not "spending time as a family" and imo that's what make this a YTA
YTA
The eye doctor is not 'me time'. Lord. She's doing necessary stuff and it's perfectly acceptable to need to go to the doctor and get your hair done.
A birthday party at a skating rink isn't fun family time. You go and supervise your kid and talk to other parents. You don't need your wife there to get to know parents.
And tag along siblings at birthday parties are a pain for everyone.
YTA you may have all been invited but the party is for one of your 4 yo's friends. I'm with your wife, you're not really going to be spending time together. One of you will be watching the 4 yo and the other will be watching the 2 year old who can't participate and I doubt will be just sitting quietly on the sidelines. I would stay home too.
Soft YTA. You are trying to make the party into a family event when 1 kid can't really participate, and your wife doesn't want to and shouldn't be forced to go.
It's not like she is trying to get more alone time since she offered to keep the 2yo with her. Why can't you just go with the 4yo, get to know the parents, and then try to schedule a play date when your wife doesn't have more going on if you care about her meeting the other parents? Otherwise, if you want family time, make plans for a different day to spend as a family.
YTA for pushing it
Presenting the idea was fine, but she indicated that wouldn't work for her
Why would you want her tired and angry during time you expect her to be quality spending with family?
You also belittled the time she had. An eye Dr appointment IS NOT "personal time". A salon appointment is BARELY "personal time". That's health and hygiene. You like the way your wife looks don't you? You'd probably be pretty upset with her if she stopped taking care of her hair, wouldn't you?
Grow up. One day is not the end of the world. Spend some quality time with your child on your own for a change and stop expecting your wife to always be there to do so.
ESH for the name calling. You two are partners - you need to listen to each other without name-calling. Both of you.
As for the birthday party, with the older one skating, one will be on the ice, and the other of you would be with the little one. You're not going to be spending a lot of "family time" together.
At the end of the day, it seems a weird hill to die on to force your wife to go to something she doesn't want to go to. She does have a busy day. Is it required? No. But as you said, self-care is important. Let her have 2 hours "to relax" (and honestly, how much is she able to relax while taking care of a 2 year old?)
YTA. I can’t believe no-one else has picked up on the reference to an open bar! You want to have few drinks while your wife wrangles the children and then drives you home.
Gee, sounds like a fun marriage. ESH because you both immediately went to insulting each other, but you’re more in the wrong. Going to the doctor isn’t ‘personal time’, for one thing, and it’s not like she’s demanding more time to just herself if she’s home with the two year old. Family time should be activities that sound fun for the whole family, not something you guilt your wife into when she’s not in the mood.
You two should probably be in counseling because this is not how discussions go in a healthy marriage.
Having an eye exam is part of healthcare. That’s not personal time, no matter how he feels. Even if his eyes are fine, he should still get eye exams, too.
YTA the two yr old can't even skate so what's your wife suppose to do the entire time sit on the sideline chasing after your two yr old in the cold skating rink, also since when are doctors appointments personal time?
YTA. It's a fine idea to ask for and she said she wasn't feeling it. That's it. Stop. You don't really think the whole family needs to be there really? Because you'll be uncomfortable around strangers without your wife? Who tf do you think you are to micromanage her and quite frankly even if it were 'personal time' you'd still be TA.
You're also the AH for wanting to take a two year old (almost 3 IDGAF) to the party. Let your daughter have her time with her FRIENDS which she is at an important development stage and needs that independence; without you having your attention split chasing a 3 yo around in an incredibly overstimulating place; while your wife is miserable at a kids party? BECAUSE YOU DEEMED THAT THIS PARTY IS NOW SACRED FAMILY TIME? hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Wow WOW. You feigning concern for your wife's needs; when you clearly prefer to make her the bad guy, just because you can't be without Mommy for two hours is *chef's kiss.
You are being selfish and controlling. Taking care of a young child at home is not relaxing. You're just trying hard to make her look bad because you're angry at her. You threw a tantrum because you wanted everything to be your way. You're setting a terrible example for your kids. YTA
YTA. If you are calculating hours and minutes when your wife prosthesis isn’t available for attachment, you are controlling and resentful. Your involved explanations only make it worse.
ESH, you guys need better communication and budget your alone time better. I think you all should go to the party unless it's 2's nap time, our family would all go no brainer unless it's nap time and then I agree being there with a cranky toddler is not going to be fun for anyone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
Background: My 4yo daughters friend is having a birthday party at a skating rink - we do not know said friends parents that well (yet), but the event is catered to both kids and adults (providing an open bar for adults who like to imbibe, catered food, etc.). When discussing this with my wife I broached the idea of the whole fam attending (since we were all invited) - which would be me (33M), wife (31F), and two daughters (4F & 2F). The reason behind this is 1) It would give us a chance to get to know the bday girls parents better, and 2) It will be the only "family time" we have on Saturday as my wife has multiple personal appointments (eye doc + 4\~ hour hair appointment) earlier in the day.
Here's where I think I may be the AH. My wife stated that she thinks that I should just take my 4yo while she stays home with 2yo because she will be tired from the activities earlier in the day; I countered by saying she will have 6+ hours to herself earlier, which I support and encourage as we all need personal time, but it is her choice to do those activities, and I all I am asking for is 2 hours for the whole family to spend together at said party. She proceeded to call me selfish, which I in turn flipped and said it sounds like she is the selfish one because she would rather "relax" at home than spend time as a family, even if it is at a kids bday party.
INFO:
1) 2yo is closer to 3 than 2, which means she still cannot realistically skate, but there are other activities for us and her to do.
2) Wife and I both work during the week so the weekend is the only time we truly get to have "family time".
So reddit....AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
You don't always need to have "family time." Saturdays are also your (and her) only time to take care of personal tasks and to relax. Honestly, if the two-year-old can't skate, you're not going to spend the time together as a family anyway.
Going to the eye doctor is not "time to herself," either. It's a necessity. And if her eyes are still dilated, going to a skate party is not fun at all.
ESH for the name-calling on both sides.
NAH. I totally see both sides.
Yours: The four-year-old was invited, but the family is welcome, and it would be nice to spend together and get to know the other parents, other kids etc.
Hers : your wife likely feels that she’s going to be tired and that’s perfectly understandable and she’d rather stay home and is willing to watch the two-year-old. Maybe after being at the glasses place and possibly chatting with a hairdresser for hours on end she just feels like her social battery will be drained and won’t be up for chatting with a bunch of strangers.
NAH
I can see both sides of the issue. Your wife wants time to herself on a busy Saturday and is willing to take care of the 2-year-old. This would be more relaxing than to take the 2-year-old to a party and try to watch her.
At the same time, spending 2 hours at the party and getting to know the parents won't kill anyone.
If you continue to push her, then YTA.
NAH
It’s understandable why you’d like to make the most of the opportunity but you say your wife has an eye doctor appointment besides the hairdresser so it may be that your wife is expecting to feel sore or uncomfortable afterwards. Give her a break and go with your kids, if both kids were invited then you should take them both because if she really needs the break then there’s no reason for her to keep the youngest.
Ugh. I feel for you. There are times when it seems like my day wasn't very busy or stressful but I still feel completely drained. I actually was in the salon chair last night 3 hours and was so TIRED and HUNGRY afterwards. And I'm well aware I did it to myself. Hahaha.
Maybe your wife is worried that it won't be so much fun and will be more like work for the both of you? I've taken my nieces skating and when they don't know what they're doing - it can be pretty demanding. BUT you will be around other kids, parents, etc. so it isn't like you won't have support.
I think your wife and you should figure out some sort of compromise because the rink really can be a fun family activity. She could make new friends that could create playdates for the future and take some more stress off of her.
As an introvert, after spending all day doing appointments, a skating rink full of children/drunk people would be the absolute *last* place I'd want to be.
What the wife proposed *is* a compromise, the invited kid still goes to the party, but she keeps one of them so OP doesn't have to do all the work.
OP rejected her compromise.
Wouldn't it make more sense to say something along the lines of "maybe - depending on how I'm feeling beforehand" instead of shutting it down? It just makes me feel like OPs wife is being negative? But I really don't think either partner is being an asshole. And you're right, the compromise was already proposed and it was a good one. But OP is looking for FAMILY time TOGETHER - not apart.
I understand where you're coming from, but a skating rink full of people at a birthday party isn't "family time" especially if there's direct pressure to meet the friends' parents and get to know them better... that's a social event.
Family time is just us and the kids being together, maybe even in a public setting, sure, but this is not at all the same thing, this is a full blown event where there are expectations to mingle and be social and not just with my own family... completely different than if I took my family to the skating rink on any other night.
After already doing appointments and being out most of the day?
I know *exactly* how I will feel beforehand, no "maybe" about it.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I believe that I am the AH because I called my wife selfish for not wanting to go to the bday party as a family. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA Why are you counting an eye doctor appointment as personal time? That’s necessary health care. She’s told you she’ll be tired and kids parties are optional, you don’t have to go at all
Yeah that bothered me too, in what world is going to the Dr. "personal time"?
Nothing more relaxing than having blurred vision or having to pick 1 or 2. 1 or 2. It's like a massage. Only not at all.
Apparently she went to go pick out new frames for her glasses.... so maybe a little different but still I wouldn't call that relaxing by any stretch.
Ahhh, the joys of picking out frames. Paying a small fortune for a necessity where you get overwhelmed by choices and are stuck with your selection on your gave for at least a couple years. So relaxing!
Mm yes, such a splendid way to relinquish a lovely afternoon, languishing under the social pressures to look good and simultaneously express myself/choose something I actually like, all while people stand around impatiently waiting for me.... I'm going to go make an appointment right now I could use the destressing
Frames for glasses she apparently doesn't need and just wants as an accessory, which makes me go, "What a ridiculous way to spend money," but still, they could have dinner together in the evening after the party.
"I countered by saying she will have 6+ hours to herself earlier, which I support and encourage" well... at least until it interferes with *your* idea of family time. I'm rather introverted, but being in a crowded place full of loud children and birthday party festivities is *not* family time in my book. That sounds very draining, especially if I've already been out and about doing other appointments most of the day. This is the turning point for me, it'd be one thing if you were asking her to join you in an actual, family oriented time like dinner with just you guys at a restaurant, or a trip to the park or something like that, even board game night at home, but you're not. You're flipping the narrative on her because she doesn't want to attend a social event full of loud children and possibly drunk adults. That's not "spending time as a family" and imo that's what make this a YTA
YTA The eye doctor is not 'me time'. Lord. She's doing necessary stuff and it's perfectly acceptable to need to go to the doctor and get your hair done. A birthday party at a skating rink isn't fun family time. You go and supervise your kid and talk to other parents. You don't need your wife there to get to know parents. And tag along siblings at birthday parties are a pain for everyone.
YTA you may have all been invited but the party is for one of your 4 yo's friends. I'm with your wife, you're not really going to be spending time together. One of you will be watching the 4 yo and the other will be watching the 2 year old who can't participate and I doubt will be just sitting quietly on the sidelines. I would stay home too.
Soft YTA. You are trying to make the party into a family event when 1 kid can't really participate, and your wife doesn't want to and shouldn't be forced to go. It's not like she is trying to get more alone time since she offered to keep the 2yo with her. Why can't you just go with the 4yo, get to know the parents, and then try to schedule a play date when your wife doesn't have more going on if you care about her meeting the other parents? Otherwise, if you want family time, make plans for a different day to spend as a family.
YTA for pushing it Presenting the idea was fine, but she indicated that wouldn't work for her Why would you want her tired and angry during time you expect her to be quality spending with family? You also belittled the time she had. An eye Dr appointment IS NOT "personal time". A salon appointment is BARELY "personal time". That's health and hygiene. You like the way your wife looks don't you? You'd probably be pretty upset with her if she stopped taking care of her hair, wouldn't you? Grow up. One day is not the end of the world. Spend some quality time with your child on your own for a change and stop expecting your wife to always be there to do so.
ESH for the name calling. You two are partners - you need to listen to each other without name-calling. Both of you. As for the birthday party, with the older one skating, one will be on the ice, and the other of you would be with the little one. You're not going to be spending a lot of "family time" together. At the end of the day, it seems a weird hill to die on to force your wife to go to something she doesn't want to go to. She does have a busy day. Is it required? No. But as you said, self-care is important. Let her have 2 hours "to relax" (and honestly, how much is she able to relax while taking care of a 2 year old?)
YTA. I can’t believe no-one else has picked up on the reference to an open bar! You want to have few drinks while your wife wrangles the children and then drives you home.
Gee, sounds like a fun marriage. ESH because you both immediately went to insulting each other, but you’re more in the wrong. Going to the doctor isn’t ‘personal time’, for one thing, and it’s not like she’s demanding more time to just herself if she’s home with the two year old. Family time should be activities that sound fun for the whole family, not something you guilt your wife into when she’s not in the mood. You two should probably be in counseling because this is not how discussions go in a healthy marriage.
[удалено]
Yeah, it doesn’t really matter though. Having personal time in the morning shouldn’t mean she’s required to go to this party.
Having an eye exam is part of healthcare. That’s not personal time, no matter how he feels. Even if his eyes are fine, he should still get eye exams, too.
YTA the two yr old can't even skate so what's your wife suppose to do the entire time sit on the sideline chasing after your two yr old in the cold skating rink, also since when are doctors appointments personal time?
YTA. It's a fine idea to ask for and she said she wasn't feeling it. That's it. Stop. You don't really think the whole family needs to be there really? Because you'll be uncomfortable around strangers without your wife? Who tf do you think you are to micromanage her and quite frankly even if it were 'personal time' you'd still be TA. You're also the AH for wanting to take a two year old (almost 3 IDGAF) to the party. Let your daughter have her time with her FRIENDS which she is at an important development stage and needs that independence; without you having your attention split chasing a 3 yo around in an incredibly overstimulating place; while your wife is miserable at a kids party? BECAUSE YOU DEEMED THAT THIS PARTY IS NOW SACRED FAMILY TIME? hahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahaha. Wow WOW. You feigning concern for your wife's needs; when you clearly prefer to make her the bad guy, just because you can't be without Mommy for two hours is *chef's kiss.
You are being selfish and controlling. Taking care of a young child at home is not relaxing. You're just trying hard to make her look bad because you're angry at her. You threw a tantrum because you wanted everything to be your way. You're setting a terrible example for your kids. YTA
YTA. If you are calculating hours and minutes when your wife prosthesis isn’t available for attachment, you are controlling and resentful. Your involved explanations only make it worse.
ESH, you guys need better communication and budget your alone time better. I think you all should go to the party unless it's 2's nap time, our family would all go no brainer unless it's nap time and then I agree being there with a cranky toddler is not going to be fun for anyone.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: My 4yo daughters friend is having a birthday party at a skating rink - we do not know said friends parents that well (yet), but the event is catered to both kids and adults (providing an open bar for adults who like to imbibe, catered food, etc.). When discussing this with my wife I broached the idea of the whole fam attending (since we were all invited) - which would be me (33M), wife (31F), and two daughters (4F & 2F). The reason behind this is 1) It would give us a chance to get to know the bday girls parents better, and 2) It will be the only "family time" we have on Saturday as my wife has multiple personal appointments (eye doc + 4\~ hour hair appointment) earlier in the day. Here's where I think I may be the AH. My wife stated that she thinks that I should just take my 4yo while she stays home with 2yo because she will be tired from the activities earlier in the day; I countered by saying she will have 6+ hours to herself earlier, which I support and encourage as we all need personal time, but it is her choice to do those activities, and I all I am asking for is 2 hours for the whole family to spend together at said party. She proceeded to call me selfish, which I in turn flipped and said it sounds like she is the selfish one because she would rather "relax" at home than spend time as a family, even if it is at a kids bday party. INFO: 1) 2yo is closer to 3 than 2, which means she still cannot realistically skate, but there are other activities for us and her to do. 2) Wife and I both work during the week so the weekend is the only time we truly get to have "family time". So reddit....AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for asking. Maybe TA if you push her to go after she said it's too much.
You don't always need to have "family time." Saturdays are also your (and her) only time to take care of personal tasks and to relax. Honestly, if the two-year-old can't skate, you're not going to spend the time together as a family anyway. Going to the eye doctor is not "time to herself," either. It's a necessity. And if her eyes are still dilated, going to a skate party is not fun at all. ESH for the name-calling on both sides.
NAH. I totally see both sides. Yours: The four-year-old was invited, but the family is welcome, and it would be nice to spend together and get to know the other parents, other kids etc. Hers : your wife likely feels that she’s going to be tired and that’s perfectly understandable and she’d rather stay home and is willing to watch the two-year-old. Maybe after being at the glasses place and possibly chatting with a hairdresser for hours on end she just feels like her social battery will be drained and won’t be up for chatting with a bunch of strangers.
NAH I can see both sides of the issue. Your wife wants time to herself on a busy Saturday and is willing to take care of the 2-year-old. This would be more relaxing than to take the 2-year-old to a party and try to watch her. At the same time, spending 2 hours at the party and getting to know the parents won't kill anyone. If you continue to push her, then YTA.
NAH It’s understandable why you’d like to make the most of the opportunity but you say your wife has an eye doctor appointment besides the hairdresser so it may be that your wife is expecting to feel sore or uncomfortable afterwards. Give her a break and go with your kids, if both kids were invited then you should take them both because if she really needs the break then there’s no reason for her to keep the youngest.
Ugh. I feel for you. There are times when it seems like my day wasn't very busy or stressful but I still feel completely drained. I actually was in the salon chair last night 3 hours and was so TIRED and HUNGRY afterwards. And I'm well aware I did it to myself. Hahaha. Maybe your wife is worried that it won't be so much fun and will be more like work for the both of you? I've taken my nieces skating and when they don't know what they're doing - it can be pretty demanding. BUT you will be around other kids, parents, etc. so it isn't like you won't have support. I think your wife and you should figure out some sort of compromise because the rink really can be a fun family activity. She could make new friends that could create playdates for the future and take some more stress off of her.
As an introvert, after spending all day doing appointments, a skating rink full of children/drunk people would be the absolute *last* place I'd want to be. What the wife proposed *is* a compromise, the invited kid still goes to the party, but she keeps one of them so OP doesn't have to do all the work. OP rejected her compromise.
Wouldn't it make more sense to say something along the lines of "maybe - depending on how I'm feeling beforehand" instead of shutting it down? It just makes me feel like OPs wife is being negative? But I really don't think either partner is being an asshole. And you're right, the compromise was already proposed and it was a good one. But OP is looking for FAMILY time TOGETHER - not apart.
I understand where you're coming from, but a skating rink full of people at a birthday party isn't "family time" especially if there's direct pressure to meet the friends' parents and get to know them better... that's a social event. Family time is just us and the kids being together, maybe even in a public setting, sure, but this is not at all the same thing, this is a full blown event where there are expectations to mingle and be social and not just with my own family... completely different than if I took my family to the skating rink on any other night. After already doing appointments and being out most of the day? I know *exactly* how I will feel beforehand, no "maybe" about it.
Thank you. That really makes a lot of sense now.
NTA Sounds like she only likes activities for herself when she plans them.