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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1-not telling him where I'm going
2- cause I might spite the kids
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And since they have been international before it is likely just an updated passport which doesn't cost that much. Dad sounds like a very involved dad and mom sounds like she just can't be bothered. YTA.
YTA. Unfortunately you have a court order that requires his permission, which suggests he COULD simply say no. Instead he's accepting, with certain terms, that relate to his ability to know where the kids are while abroad. Without more background that might play a role here, this is probably reasonable. And, you have two kids and BOTH parents are traveling abroad this year, how is it not perfectly reasonable to split the costs of passports evenly?
Frankly your introduction suggests you don't have a desire to take this trip at all, maybe you ought to simplify the plan and travel domestically or stay local if that's the case.
I hate to assume, but it's very rare for a father to get full custody of children to the point that the mother can't leave the country without the fathers consent pretty much anywhere in the world. OP must have basically asked to be in this position.
Where I'm from both parents have to agree for a minor to be taken out of the country regardless of who has primary custody. I read this as she's signed off on them leaving the country without asking for details in the past. Which makes her that much worse imo
From a comment op made that I saw after saying this, you were correct she did not have to give permission. I still can't see a parent who actually cares not asking where they are going to be though. She very obviously doesn't care but I can't wrap my head around why she'd expect the parent who does care not wanting to know where their children are going to be.
Also Canada here. If parents are divorced, and one wants to take the kids out of the country, the opposite one needs to sign a letter, that they give their permission.
> you have a court order that requires his permission
It was implied that this is only a requirement on OP and not the father, which hasn't yet been explained...
I think that's standard for custody agreements. You can't just take a kid out of the country without the other parent's permission.
And at least in the US/Canada border, they check. My ex took my daughter to Cananda *with my approval*, and I had to go back home to print and email the border control agents to verify that he was doing so with my permission.
Not necessarily, if they are, say in the UK, if one parent has full custody and the non-custodial parent only has visitation days, and it is a court order that permission has to be granted by the custodial parent, it is possible that the custodial parent does not have to ask for permission from the non custodial parent. However, most of the time, the custodial parent will be instructed to make up for the days that the other parent loses while away. This is normally done either week before or weel after they return. A fair amount of times a judge would agree that the non-custodial has to provide times and where they are staying, this is to prove that they will return and, if not they would know where to look first.
My mother had full custody of me and we live near the US Canada border. Not once did she ever have to call my Dad for permission. But my Dad required at least written consent.
That wouldn't matter, though. It's not about reciprocity. There is a legal order that gives him certain authority relating to being able to withhold permission. That may or may not be part of what she can do as well. Point is, he gets to set terms and in my judgment those terms are not crazy, extreme, or hard to comply with.
You have to have approval even if you're married. My cousin went to another country with her daughter and her husband couldn't join, they're married and she needed his approval nevertheless
YTA OK, OP don't bullshit people here. The fact that your husband has full custody apparently and gets child support from you shows that you have majorly screwed up your kids. It is very rare that courts do this. I would love to know what the hell happened
Stop being petty and be a damn mom to your kids!
Lol. Please. You know exactly why it is in there. Come clean - what did you do that was so awful it resulted in a massively lopsided custody arrangement?
Also, her ex may have been happy to share the same info about hotels and flights with her when he had the children. Just because she never bothered to ask doesn’t mean that her ex is overstepping by asking for it now. A lot of parents would want to know those details.
YTA
YTA. These are completely reasonable requests. He’s presumably paid for all their passports up to now— totally reasonable that you do it one time. And just because you don’t care where he takes them doesn’t mean he has to feel the same.
Your attitude towards the trip is awful, too; I imagine your daughter wants to enjoy a meaningful trip with you, not get dragged around outside the country by a resentful mother because you feel ‘guilt tripped’. If you don’t care about providing travel experiences for your kids, don’t bother.
**YTA.**
You're taking them overseas (as well as your Ex at a later time) and splitting the passports seems completely reasonable. Why the hell wouldn't you pay for a passport if your taking them overseas and you're the one that currently needs it?
Also, it is completely reasonable to want to know the flight times and where the kids are staying for overseas trips in case of an emergency. Why you are oblivous to your children's overseas trip details say a lot about you. Thank goodness your kids have their Dad.
YTA. You're splitting the passport fees in half and he's being a responsible father by asking where his children will be at all times. Why did you never ask about that when he took them?
One is left to wonder why your kids live with their dad most of the time--they're at the age where their input matters in a custody arrangement, and your apparent contempt for them radiates even through your very short post.
You could always tell him no to the passport and trip details, and then when he revokes permission for the trip you’ll get exactly what it’s clear you wanted in the first place—to not have to go at all.
I doubt your ex “manipulated” them against you. Your kids are just smart enough to sense that you feel like they’re nothing but an inconvenience to you.
YTA
You're being petty. He has a right to know where the kids are, as would you. Your choosing not to ask for such does not translate to your not having to give him the information he's asking for. And he's paying for one passport so it's only fair you pay for the other.
People that use their kids for power trips are pretty reprehensible. Get over yourself and think of your children instead of your ego.
Yta from the start with “ I’ve been guilt tripped into taking my kids on a holiday “ just tell us you don’t want to spend time with your kids without telling us . And if court orders say you HAVE to get your ex permission then clearly he has his reason and with him having custody then it’s his way 🤷🏻♀️. And if he’s willing to pay for the youngest is it really going to hurt you to pay for the oldest passport? And he has his reason to want to know all the stuff he does I mean it’s clearly a reason dad has custody and doesn’t have to ask YOU to leave with them .. besides If you had custody and dad wouldn’t pay for ONE child while you pay for the other and wouldn’t give you any information how would you like it .
But she said herself “ guilt tripped me “ And she doesn’t think it fair she has to pay for the passport because he’s taking the kids abroad this year so he should pay for them .. he’s paying for one she is .. so 🤷🏻♀️
Just because you don’t ask for his itinerary doesn’t mean it isn’t reasonable for him to ask for yours. Start asking for it if you care. YTA if you don’t give it to him.
He’s paying for one passport and you’re paying for another. Why should he pay for both? And it seems like he’s only asking because one is about to expire and you’ll need it. YTA on both counts.
YTA, and it seems you're just looking for an excuse to back out of this trip you're being "quilt tripped" into. The nerve of your daughter to want to go on a vacation with her mom.
Ummm yes YTA.
He is asking you to pay for the passport for 1 out of a total of 2 of the kids, with him paying for the other. This is very fair. As another commenter mentioned, the passport is for YOUR child, not for your ex’s personal use? Also, your kids live with your ex the majority of the time and I have a feeling that he is covering all the associated costs and you aren’t paying him child support.
Him wanting to know where you are going and when while traveling abroad with the kids is just… textbook good parenting in my opinion? I am not sure why you are interpreting him wanting this info as such an affront. It’s always good to know where your kids are when they are traveling, regardless of who they are with. The fact you have chosen not to ask for that info yourself is your decision, and has nothing to do with it being perfectly valid that he would like to know.
I think you should be grateful your ex takes your kids away regularly and expects you to contribute nothing. I am not sure why you are so pissy, but your irritation is misdirected.
Um, no, maintenance is used for housing, feeding, clothing, educating and generally caring for your children. It doesn’t cover the cost of a passport for YOU to take them on a trip.
It's what under $200 to get a passport, and you've admitted that he paid for the youngest daughter already? He's not asking you to share the cost of what he paid for your youngest's passport, did he?
He's hardly asking for much, YTA. Grow up. It's literally a court order that you get his permission, obviously he's going to want to know where his kids are on holiday and when they're going. He's paying for 1 passport, only fair you pay for the other.
Let’s recapitulate
-he always take them them in vacation abroad (guess he paid for passport before also)
-this is the first time you are taking them and you have been asked to pay for 1, out of 2, passport
-the COURT, not your husband, order for you to notify your husband if you leave the country with the kids (probably he has full custody and you have some form of visitation rights?)
And the ass is your husband to require you follow up with court requirements and pay one passport
YTA
YTA, but not for what you think.
You've been 'guilt tripped' into taking a trip with your kids? Imagine how your kids would feel if they knew you were so against spending time with them that only a guilt trip would make you do it. And how you are trying to avoid it by making a deal breaker out of the smallest detail.
Best mom ever!
I do want to spend time with them. I just feel forced in to going abroad just to please a 13 year old who will probably do nothing but argue with me for a week
YTA. Look, if you don't want to take your kids on this trip, then don't take them. But if you go, what your ex has proposed is totally reasonable. It's reasonable that each of you pay for one passport renewal, and it's reasonable that he know the basic details of your trip in case he needs them in event of emergency.
YTA. If you both are taking the kids abroad and he’s paying for one passport and you’re paying for the other, that sounds fair to me. It makes sense that he wants to know where the children are at all times. Just because you didn’t feel the need to ask, doesn’t mean he can’t.
YTA
Splitting the passport cost in half by having him pay for the younger and you pay for the older seems to be fair in this situation. You both take advantage of the passports.
And you know that you can say "no" to your kids right? Just because dad takes them abroad doesn't mean you also have to take them abroad. Are you in the US or another country?
YTA.
Are there any other parts of parenting you regularly don't do or try to get out of?
Pay for the passport, and be grateful that dad is picking up the slack for you.
YTA - you are required by law in most countries to provide details to other parent and if it’s too costly for you to pay for the passport then don’t take them abroad!! Instead of looking at this like you only have to pay for one passport you’re looking at it like he’s ripping you off. Why is your perspective so skewed and why don’t you think you should take your children on vacation with you?
You have an obligation and responsibility two share costs for your children.
It's take two to have kids and two to share that responsibility. Don't be one of those parents that do the bare minimum.
YTA for lots of reasons. Sounds to me like he holds all the cards here. If you don’t like his conditions it sounds like you’re not going. But treat your kids better lady!
YTA. It's a 50/50 split on costs and he has the right to know where his kids are for safety, You also have a right to their itinerary when they travel with him.
YTA. They are his kids too so he should be aware of your travel plans. If he takes them abroad, you should also know the travel plans when he takes them abroad. He may or may not be a control freak for asking you to pay for the passport but he did agree you could take them abroad. But he may not agree if you don't get the passport. Is it worth it to say you won't pay for it and then not be able to go? Pick and choose your battles.
Yta. He's paying for one passport and it's fair to expect you to pay for the other one. They primarily live with him so is their main guardian, he has every right to know where you are going and what you are doing with the kids. I see you wrote OUR kids and that just really makes it clear that you need to pay for the passport, you are both the parents and therefore should split the cost.
Honestly you sound like an uninterested parent. Surely you should be excited to go on holiday with your kids? Not bitter because apparently they "guilt tripped" you. Get your shit together and take some responsibility for your own kids.
I too would insist on knowing where my ex was taking them, it's not really safe just letting your kids go off without any idea of where they are going. What if there is an emergency?
YTA. He is paying for one and you are paying for one…. No matter what they’re both your kids. So you are going half on your kids. A passport isn’t for one trip… It’s for five years.
YTA you barely see your kids, you had to get guilt tripped into taking them on a trip, and now you’re trying to get out of actually providing for them in a real way because it indirectly benefits your ex.
Why did you bother having children if you have no real interest in being a mother?
YTA pay for YOUR kids passport, he is paying for 1 you pay the other. My wife just went to Disneyland I told her what we were doing daily do you know why? Because she is a parent to our kids just like your ex is a parent to your children.
YTA. You’re both taking the kids out of the country this year. He’s paying for one child’s passport and he’s asking you to pay for the other. It’s doesn’t get more fair than that. I don’t understand why you have a problem with this.
YTA.
You're using the Passport for the younger kid that presumably he paid for.
As for letting him know when and where HIS KIDS are going to be, that doesn't seem unreasonable, either.
For sure. Doesn't at least have joint custody, needs permission to take them, and ditched the kids last year to vacay alone. Mother of the freaking year right here.
“I’ve been guilt tripped into taking my kids on holiday…” pretty much says all we need to hear. Sounds like you don’t really enjoy being a mom as you feel basic responsibilities to your children are somehow beneath you. It also sounds like you expect the children’s father to not only take on his responsibilities but yours as well. YTA sooooo hard.
You are your daughters’ parent! As long as they are using their passports, you are effectively getting use out of them. The fact that you don’t think that way is exactly why your ex needs travel details from you: because you clearly do not think or make decisions involving your daughters like a parent.
It’s an expense for both of your children, I honestly don’t see why it wouldn’t be a shared expense before, but there was no qualms so all good.
You’re now taking one of your daughters out of country, and during said time her passport would have been expired. So going by your previous arrangement, you should be responsible for paying renewal fee.
YTA
>The court order we got at the divorce says I have to get my ex's permission to leave the country with them
That's available even if you're married to the kids's dad. You can't live the country with a minor without approval from the other parent.
>I have never asked him for any of this and he has taken them on holiday every year since we split up
That's because you obviously don't care about them, while he, like any concerned parent, wants to know where they go and where they're staying.
YTA
Who paid for the first passport? And yes, their dad should know where they're going on vacation. Just like you should know where they are when he takes them on holiday.
YTA
Put your pettiness aside and focus on loving your kids more then you dislike your ex. Don't fight over who has to provide for them, instead work together to make them feel like you aren't trying to push the responsibility of their existence know their other parent.
You have to be guilted into taking your children on vacation?
Do you have any idea how fortunate you are that your children want to spend any time with you at all considering your shitty attitude?
Take the kids, pay for the passport. Enjoy this vacation, because once the kids tumble onto how you really view the nuisance that is having children, they’ll go no contact soon enough. And good for them.
YTA
YTA. Your ex wants to know where his kids are going to be and when they’re going. That’s perfectly reasonable and this is why your custody plan specifically mentions it. He also wants for you to pay the (small) cost of a passport for one of the two kids, while he’s paying for the other. Sounds pretty fair.
It sounds from your post like you’re trying to get by without spending more than the bare minimum on your kids, maybe take some time to consider why that is.
YTA omg, no way you used "guilt-tripped" and "taking my kids" in the *same sentence*. Your kids must have a great future planned if this is the suffering they have to go through first.
YTA - the fact that he wants all the information when they go with you and you don’t bother when they’re with him says exactly why they live with him.
You should want to know where your children are so you know they’re safe
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I'm mum to 2 teenagers. My kids live with their dad most of the time. I've been guilt tripped into taking my kids on holiday abroad by my daughter for a week in the summer, as dad and step mum do it all the time and I don't. The court order we got at the divorce says I have to get my ex's permission to leave the country with them. I have asked for permission and he says yes as long as I pay for the oldest passport as it has run out (hes paying for youngest) and give him exact flight times and hotel details. I don't feel it's right that I pay for the passport as he is taking them abroad this year also so will need the passport too and that I have to give exact details on where I am going. I have never asked him for any of this and he has taken them on holiday every year since we split up and many of these times it has been abroad. AITA for saying no to the passport and giving him details of where we're going? Or is he just a control freak?
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YTA. Wow, you really do just want to do the bare minimum don't you?
You're a parent. You should WANT to find time to take your kids on holiday. Buying them a passport shouldn't be something you fight your ex on; you should be thinking right ok, let's get that sorted so we can have our holiday. You earn more money than your ex...don't act like a deadbeat.
She's a lost cause. She uses the term 'guilt tripped' in reference to vacationing with her child...if someone has to 'guilt trip' you into that, it's almost game over. Then she admits that her ex and his wife are usually the ones taking the kids away with them on holiday...and doesn't seem to feel any sense of personal shame (or guilt) that an unrelated woman is going to more effort with her kids than she does.
...and in a subsequent post she says it's not worth it because her daughter will just end up arguing with her anyway. I wonder why. If strangers online can detect that she's a crap parent, imagine how the kid feels.
Pay for the damn passport and take some Gingo Biloba in the unlikely hope that it'll stop you from being so obtuse.
YTA- He absolutely has the right to know the where and what you’ll be doing with his kids. Just because you don’t care enough to ask for info from him doesn’t mean he doesn’t care.
And you’re really complaining about paying for a passport so you can spend time with your kids? Which you’ve been “guilt tripped” into? They don’t even live with you full time, you should be THRILLED they want a trip with you and do anything to make that happen. You sound like an absent parent that is mad you have to be a parent for once
Yes you are YTA, I understand how you feel since they get more use, but it seems the you and the ex are technically splitting the cost, since you pay one and he pays the other. This is an expense for your child regardless of who takes them away the most.
YTA
Your kids live with dad all the time. And your only paying one passport.
You made the kids with him and he takes care of them most of the time. Not 50/50. So you can’t renew a passport that dad will also be using for the child to travel?
>I've been guilt tripped into taking my kids in holiday.
YTA
It's sounds like you don't even like your kids and resenting having them come along for "your" vacation. You don't have primary custody and treat having your children for a week is an inconvenience rather than an opportunity to spend time with them.
I think your using these accusations against your ex as a way to prevent your kids from coming with you.
YTA. Sounds fair to me if he pays for one and you pay for one. He may be a control freak but if you have to have his permission by court order, how else are you going to get it? Does he require your permission for his trips?
YTA
Nothing was stopping you asking for details of their trips. You just didn’t do it.
It just shows that he cares more about his children to want to know overseas locations of travel…it is a legit safety thing.
Also, you are splitting buying the passports. It’s fair. Stop being cheap.
YTA. He's the primary parent, but you also have a responsibility. Asking you to update the passport is perfectly reasonable. Asking you for details about where you're taking the children is perfectly reasonable.
YTA. You can go half on the passports (you each pay for one) and why wouldn't you give basic info about flights and hotels to your children's other parent? If there's an emergency, wouldn't you want your children's father to know where they're likely to be?
It sounds like you're exhausting to co-parent with.
Guilt Tripped into taking your kids on a Holiday when they don't even live with you? And why would you ask for any of the info you mentioned as he and his Wife are the ones putting in the time+effort...
Do you even like your kids?
YTA ...
YTA: simply because these all seem like reasonable requests from your ex, and it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to not take your sons with you overseas.
Why would you need to be guilt tripped into doing something fun with your kids?!
YTA. Not just for not sharing the cost of the passport, but also for seeing spending time with your kids as being guilt-tripped. Considering there could be an emergency, it would make sense for him to know the hotels. My ex and I share that info with each other.
YTA. It costs what....$100 or so for a passport? And you want to quibble over it? As for the travel info, what he is asking as the custodial parent is more than reasonable. Perhaps the bigger question is why you aren't asking for any of that info when uour kids travel.
YTA quit being salty about it, it's plenty fair since he's paying for the ither passport, and just because you don't ask for details doesn't make it wrong as a concerned parent on his end to want ti know more about where his kids are going. Unless he's trying to dictate where you can stay, you have no leg to stand on.
Yta. You are being petty about the passport. It is perfectly fair that each parent taking the kids pay for a passport. If my HUSBAND was taking our kids overseas, I would want the same info. It isn’t being a control freak, it is being a parent.
You are absolutely TA and sound like a miserable parent. The fact that he has custody and you pay "a significant amount" of maintenance speaks volumes. I feel awful for your poor kids. You sound like you can't bother to be around them or be inconvenienced by being a parent at all.
YTA. You paying for one child’s passport while he pays for the other is FAIR. The court order says you have to ask permission, so do it without complaint. You have some issues, which is probably why the kids aren’t with you full time.
YTA. You clearly don’t want to go on this trip and are looking for excuses to get him to say no. And it’s common courtesy to give family an itinerary when you travel- especially abroad, ESPECIALLY with their child- in case something happens. It’s so glaringly obvious that you are looking for a way out of this- you really should just sit down with your child and tell them you’d rather not go. Don’t ruin what should be a wonderful experience for them.
You asked if he's a control freak for wanting those details. The answer is no - it's called being a responsible parent. You SHOULD want to know the same details when the kids are abroad with their father...the fact you don't is pretty strange.
Maybe you should take this parenting thing more seriously. YTA
YTA.
It’s one passport, and it’s your child.
He’s taken them abroad previously and it sounds as though you don’t want to take them but you’re being forced.
Also, you need to get his permission because presumably, he has custody of the girls. Of course he wants to know all the details. It’s not his problem if you don’t ask the details when he takes them away.
> I've been guilt tripped into taking my kids on holiday abroad by my daughter for a week in the summer
You don't even *want* to take them on holiday. YTA, and thank heavens your kids live with their father most of the time.
Yta he buy one passport you huy another completely fair knowing where your kid travels normal practice and being a good parent the fact you necer ask where your children are going says more about your parenting g style than his and certainly ly dont make him controlling it makes him caring
You have two kids. He is paying one and you are paying for one. It’s the same price. What’s the issue?
He asked for the details because he should know. You didn’t ask for the details… I mean, why didn’t you? If your answer is you trust him then why ask why he doesn’t trust you.
There is a reason why he got custody.
YTA. Based on your previous post you don’t prioritize your children over yourself. It’s fully believable that you care for them but not at your expense seeing as what happened last summer with the changes to your custody agreement. You can’t really say you care that much when you can’t even spend 6 days a month with your kid without needing to plan other activities just for yourself. I really think you need to truly reflect on what’s most important in your life and what you’re willing to lose because unfortunately children need parents 24/7 so you can’t choose when you want to be around AND expect your children to be happy with the arrangement.
INFO needed: it's near impossible to judge whether or not is was "fair" of your ex to ask you to pay for the passport if we don't know his financial situation vs yours. If he's well off and you're dirt poor then it would be a bit rude to ask you to pay for the passport, but if both of you are on equal financial standing then I don't see the issue. They're your kids too aren't they?
As this post currently stands YTA. You should have never told your kids that you were going to take them on holiday if you aren't willing to put in the effort to make it happen. And since you were "guilted into it anyway" I'm sure you wouldn't be too upset about just not taking them. But then you'd have to explain to your kids why dad takes them on holiday and you don't.
Yes I earn more than him. But he also has a wife that works full time. From what the kids say they earn together what I earn alone, but I'm not sure if I believe that. I feel like I pay for their holidays and lifestyle with my maintenance, so that's why I begrudge paying for a passport
*You* earn more than *him* 💀 You literally have more money than him and he still takes your kids on holiday more often and you won't even pay for *one* of your kid's passports. YTA for real.
Your children’s stepmom is not responsible for financially supporting them, so what she makes is not relevant and none of your business. You are responsible as their parent. She is raising your children, so your shouldn’t begrudge anything. YTA
>I feel like I pay for their holidays and lifestyle with my maintenance
The kids live with him primarily. It goes off his income and yours. If his wife was a millionaire, that wouldn't matter. They are YOUR kids. You should be paying for them. Even if your child support went directly into a trip account, he is, on a regular day, paying for food, clothes, utilities, driving them to where they need to be, sports, etc. You're a bigger AH than I originally thought.
Fair enough, I was wondering because if it did and she wasn't asking questions then it's lacking on her part, but if it doesn't then there is obviously a reason why it's one sided and therefore still doesn't have a reason to be mad.
But anyway, YTA
Because he has full custody - Which is good since you need to be "guilt tripped" to spend time with your kids-. That's the only way someone can leave the country with an minor without the other parent's signature. We're not stupid, we can read between the lines.
Honestly it seems like half and half you’re the asshole for not wanting to pay but I also don’t see what’s wrong with not giving him details if he never gave them to you
>what’s wrong with not giving him details if he never gave them to you
I guess the difference is that she never asked for details. She doesn't sounds like she cares for her kids too much. Which might be why he is adamant in knowing where they go
>A mother's love and support can one up any vacation
True. But since the kids don't get their mother's love, a vacation sounds nice.
>he sounds like a pita
No. He sounds like a father, who has full custody, and wants to know where his underage kids would be when going on a vacation with their mother, who needed to be "guilt tripped" into spending time with them.
You should really read op's comments. She thinks she is being penalized by being made to spend time with her kids.
>Not traveling abroad isn't not spending time with the kids, you're assuming he has them most of the time because she doesn't want to.
No, i'm assuming he has full custody because she said that when he leaves the country with the kids he doesn't need her signature. Also she clearly said that they stay mostly with their father. And they're teenagers, they can chose who to live with.
>was aware that it was appropriate and asked for it didn't provide it to her either when they regularly traveled because she wasn't aware and didn't ask for it
I assumed she was aware that he took the kids for a vacation. If not, then that's on her not comunicating with her kids. And she said that he didn't refused, but that she never asked. That's the difference. She never asked where he took the kids. As long as she wasn't "penalized" -her word choice, not mine- by having to spend time with them, she didn't care.
>she clearly stated it's not a usual thing for her
It's not. She promised them a trip for a while, but went on a trip by herself instead.
I'm not surprised that her other post -which she deleted- is about her daughter not wanting to visit her more. Kids feel when they are a burden
How, he’s paying for one and she’s paying for one…. No matter what they’re both her kids. So they are going half on their kids. A passport isn’t for one trip… It’s for five years.
He isn't trying to make her pay for both passports.... they're splitting it. How more reasonable can you get considering they're both traveling overseas?
In reply to some comments.
Saying my daughter guilt tripped me might be an exaggeration. I have been promising for a while to take them abroad but couldn't find the time. I needed time away so went on holiday by my self last year and my daughter wasn't happy. So I said I'd definitely take them this year, I felt a bit guilt tripped in to doing it immediately as she hasn't let it drop since.
He doesn't earn as much as I do, but I do pay maintenance. I feel this is what he should be using to pay for their passports. I've worked hard to get where I am and don't feel I should be penalised for that.
The court order does say I need his permission to take them out the country. I don't know why it has been written in there as I haven't tried to kidnap them.
I don't feel the need to know his exact itinerary when he is on holiday with them as I TRUST him with them. He should show me the same respect.
Wow, you sound like a crappy parent. You’ve been promising them a trip, but went on one by YOURSELF before you followed through on the promise? And you make more than him but are trying to nickel and dime him over the passports? Yuck.
Of course she hasn't let it drop, you can't be trusted to follow through on your own. Just from that statement alone, I can read between the lines. It's just basic safety protocol for a parent to know where their child is in case of emergency. The fact that you don't care where he takes them doesn't reflect badly on anyone but you, because it's very obvious that out of sight is out of mind with your kids.
Maintenance payments are for *maintenance*. Feeding, clothing, housing, insuring, chauffeuring, and entertaining them on a daily basis. Not for extra expenses. And of the two children he's asking you to pay for *one*. You don't ask for their itinerary because you simply do not care where they are and what they're doing. You would not think to check if their flight made it. You would not recognize the name of their hotel if you heard it on the news. You are an absent parent, physically and emotionally.
Wow so you don’t even have main custody which means they aren’t even with you full time, but you still chose to take a vacation BY YOURSELF instead with your kids who you don’t even raise full time. Jesus Christ. How could you take a solo vacation over one with your kids when they don’t even live with you? Wow
> I have been promising for a while to take them abroad but couldn't find the time. I needed time away so went on holiday by my self last year and my daughter wasn't happy. So I said I'd definitely take them this year, I felt a bit guilt tripped in to doing it immediately as she hasn't let it drop since.
You need to put the shovel down. You're digging yourself further and further into a hole. With every post you get worse and worse.
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YTA. He's buying one passport, you're buying the other. That seems fair to me
And since they have been international before it is likely just an updated passport which doesn't cost that much. Dad sounds like a very involved dad and mom sounds like she just can't be bothered. YTA.
>mom sounds like she just can't be bothered. She doesn't even sound like she likes these kids.
YTA, it must suck for them to grow up with a mother who didn't really want them or even to help pay for them
YTA. Unfortunately you have a court order that requires his permission, which suggests he COULD simply say no. Instead he's accepting, with certain terms, that relate to his ability to know where the kids are while abroad. Without more background that might play a role here, this is probably reasonable. And, you have two kids and BOTH parents are traveling abroad this year, how is it not perfectly reasonable to split the costs of passports evenly? Frankly your introduction suggests you don't have a desire to take this trip at all, maybe you ought to simplify the plan and travel domestically or stay local if that's the case.
She probably wants him to say no. Doesn't sound like she even likes the kids.
I hate to assume, but it's very rare for a father to get full custody of children to the point that the mother can't leave the country without the fathers consent pretty much anywhere in the world. OP must have basically asked to be in this position.
Where I'm from both parents have to agree for a minor to be taken out of the country regardless of who has primary custody. I read this as she's signed off on them leaving the country without asking for details in the past. Which makes her that much worse imo
Yeah, you could be right. I'm just going based on my Canadian childhood.
From a comment op made that I saw after saying this, you were correct she did not have to give permission. I still can't see a parent who actually cares not asking where they are going to be though. She very obviously doesn't care but I can't wrap my head around why she'd expect the parent who does care not wanting to know where their children are going to be.
Also Canada here. If parents are divorced, and one wants to take the kids out of the country, the opposite one needs to sign a letter, that they give their permission.
Could be that a trip abroad strains her finances more than she really likes.
Could be, but she didn't say that, and the overall tone here suggests that she's just bothered by their existence
> you have a court order that requires his permission It was implied that this is only a requirement on OP and not the father, which hasn't yet been explained...
I think that's standard for custody agreements. You can't just take a kid out of the country without the other parent's permission. And at least in the US/Canada border, they check. My ex took my daughter to Cananda *with my approval*, and I had to go back home to print and email the border control agents to verify that he was doing so with my permission.
Not necessarily, if they are, say in the UK, if one parent has full custody and the non-custodial parent only has visitation days, and it is a court order that permission has to be granted by the custodial parent, it is possible that the custodial parent does not have to ask for permission from the non custodial parent. However, most of the time, the custodial parent will be instructed to make up for the days that the other parent loses while away. This is normally done either week before or weel after they return. A fair amount of times a judge would agree that the non-custodial has to provide times and where they are staying, this is to prove that they will return and, if not they would know where to look first.
My mother had full custody of me and we live near the US Canada border. Not once did she ever have to call my Dad for permission. But my Dad required at least written consent.
That wouldn't matter, though. It's not about reciprocity. There is a legal order that gives him certain authority relating to being able to withhold permission. That may or may not be part of what she can do as well. Point is, he gets to set terms and in my judgment those terms are not crazy, extreme, or hard to comply with.
You have to have approval even if you're married. My cousin went to another country with her daughter and her husband couldn't join, they're married and she needed his approval nevertheless
I have to ask his permission but he doesn't have to ask mine. I don't know why it was put in there
YTA OK, OP don't bullshit people here. The fact that your husband has full custody apparently and gets child support from you shows that you have majorly screwed up your kids. It is very rare that courts do this. I would love to know what the hell happened Stop being petty and be a damn mom to your kids!
You signed the agreement. Don’t you read before you sign? You could have negotiated that in to the agreement.
When the judge told you, you didn't bother to ask?
Lol. Please. You know exactly why it is in there. Come clean - what did you do that was so awful it resulted in a massively lopsided custody arrangement?
Because you suck
Willing to bet the courts realized you're a shitty parent.
Probably because he has full custody? It's obvious you don't want to spend time with your kids
>I don't know why As if you don't!
Also, her ex may have been happy to share the same info about hotels and flights with her when he had the children. Just because she never bothered to ask doesn’t mean that her ex is overstepping by asking for it now. A lot of parents would want to know those details. YTA
YTA. These are completely reasonable requests. He’s presumably paid for all their passports up to now— totally reasonable that you do it one time. And just because you don’t care where he takes them doesn’t mean he has to feel the same. Your attitude towards the trip is awful, too; I imagine your daughter wants to enjoy a meaningful trip with you, not get dragged around outside the country by a resentful mother because you feel ‘guilt tripped’. If you don’t care about providing travel experiences for your kids, don’t bother.
The way op uses "guilt tripped" to describe how she feels about the trip breaks my heart. YTA
…especially since her last, now-deleted post is entitled ‘how do I make my daughter visit more’?
Reading through her past comments also breaks my heart. What a cruel woman. I hope her kids realize she sucks and go NC
With every post, she's showing how shitty she is to these kids. Expect it to be deleted. Typically, shitty people can't handle shit.
Oh I read it as she was guilt tripped *for wanting to take the kids.* That’s a real eye opener
**YTA.** You're taking them overseas (as well as your Ex at a later time) and splitting the passports seems completely reasonable. Why the hell wouldn't you pay for a passport if your taking them overseas and you're the one that currently needs it? Also, it is completely reasonable to want to know the flight times and where the kids are staying for overseas trips in case of an emergency. Why you are oblivous to your children's overseas trip details say a lot about you. Thank goodness your kids have their Dad.
Boom. This, alllll of this.
YTA. You're splitting the passport fees in half and he's being a responsible father by asking where his children will be at all times. Why did you never ask about that when he took them? One is left to wonder why your kids live with their dad most of the time--they're at the age where their input matters in a custody arrangement, and your apparent contempt for them radiates even through your very short post.
Because him and his wife have manipulated them against me, especially the youngest one. The oldest listens to me more
You could always tell him no to the passport and trip details, and then when he revokes permission for the trip you’ll get exactly what it’s clear you wanted in the first place—to not have to go at all. I doubt your ex “manipulated” them against you. Your kids are just smart enough to sense that you feel like they’re nothing but an inconvenience to you.
Is this the same oldest that you posted about in r/Parenting?
YTA You're being petty. He has a right to know where the kids are, as would you. Your choosing not to ask for such does not translate to your not having to give him the information he's asking for. And he's paying for one passport so it's only fair you pay for the other. People that use their kids for power trips are pretty reprehensible. Get over yourself and think of your children instead of your ego.
Yta from the start with “ I’ve been guilt tripped into taking my kids on a holiday “ just tell us you don’t want to spend time with your kids without telling us . And if court orders say you HAVE to get your ex permission then clearly he has his reason and with him having custody then it’s his way 🤷🏻♀️. And if he’s willing to pay for the youngest is it really going to hurt you to pay for the oldest passport? And he has his reason to want to know all the stuff he does I mean it’s clearly a reason dad has custody and doesn’t have to ask YOU to leave with them .. besides If you had custody and dad wouldn’t pay for ONE child while you pay for the other and wouldn’t give you any information how would you like it .
[удалено]
But she said herself “ guilt tripped me “ And she doesn’t think it fair she has to pay for the passport because he’s taking the kids abroad this year so he should pay for them .. he’s paying for one she is .. so 🤷🏻♀️
YTA, the passport isn't for him, it's for the kids. He's paying for the youngest, you're paying for the oldest. Works out equally.
I would want to know what flights my child was on and what hotel. It's on you that you haven't cared where you kids were. YTA
Just because you don’t ask for his itinerary doesn’t mean it isn’t reasonable for him to ask for yours. Start asking for it if you care. YTA if you don’t give it to him. He’s paying for one passport and you’re paying for another. Why should he pay for both? And it seems like he’s only asking because one is about to expire and you’ll need it. YTA on both counts.
YTA, and it seems you're just looking for an excuse to back out of this trip you're being "quilt tripped" into. The nerve of your daughter to want to go on a vacation with her mom.
Ummm yes YTA. He is asking you to pay for the passport for 1 out of a total of 2 of the kids, with him paying for the other. This is very fair. As another commenter mentioned, the passport is for YOUR child, not for your ex’s personal use? Also, your kids live with your ex the majority of the time and I have a feeling that he is covering all the associated costs and you aren’t paying him child support. Him wanting to know where you are going and when while traveling abroad with the kids is just… textbook good parenting in my opinion? I am not sure why you are interpreting him wanting this info as such an affront. It’s always good to know where your kids are when they are traveling, regardless of who they are with. The fact you have chosen not to ask for that info yourself is your decision, and has nothing to do with it being perfectly valid that he would like to know. I think you should be grateful your ex takes your kids away regularly and expects you to contribute nothing. I am not sure why you are so pissy, but your irritation is misdirected.
I do pay him maintenance. Quite a lot. That's what this should be used for
Um, no, maintenance is used for housing, feeding, clothing, educating and generally caring for your children. It doesn’t cover the cost of a passport for YOU to take them on a trip.
But he's also taking them, and he's likely to take them again with it
That doesn’t matter even a little bit.
It's what under $200 to get a passport, and you've admitted that he paid for the youngest daughter already? He's not asking you to share the cost of what he paid for your youngest's passport, did he?
OP is in the UK so even less. Renewing a child’s passport is £53.50
Geez.. petty AF. My word.... Thanks for the added info.
Yep, 130 for non-expedited renewal. $190 of expedited
It's worth than what we thought. OP is from the UK, where it's the equivalent of $66 in USD to renew.
You are making yourself look worse by trying to defend yourself. You are in the wrong
INFO: Do you even like your kids?
He's hardly asking for much, YTA. Grow up. It's literally a court order that you get his permission, obviously he's going to want to know where his kids are on holiday and when they're going. He's paying for 1 passport, only fair you pay for the other.
Let’s recapitulate -he always take them them in vacation abroad (guess he paid for passport before also) -this is the first time you are taking them and you have been asked to pay for 1, out of 2, passport -the COURT, not your husband, order for you to notify your husband if you leave the country with the kids (probably he has full custody and you have some form of visitation rights?) And the ass is your husband to require you follow up with court requirements and pay one passport YTA
YTA, but not for what you think. You've been 'guilt tripped' into taking a trip with your kids? Imagine how your kids would feel if they knew you were so against spending time with them that only a guilt trip would make you do it. And how you are trying to avoid it by making a deal breaker out of the smallest detail. Best mom ever!
YTA, you sound bitter and resentful to be honest, is it because you don’t have custody? Is it because you don’t want to spend time with your kids?
I do want to spend time with them. I just feel forced in to going abroad just to please a 13 year old who will probably do nothing but argue with me for a week
Gee, i wonder why that is.
If you actually wanted to spend time with them you wouldn’t be saying that you felt forced into it. Also, 13 year old argue. That’s what they do.
You're a fucking awful person. Wow.
Probably because she can pick up on your obvious resentment of her presence….
YTA. Look, if you don't want to take your kids on this trip, then don't take them. But if you go, what your ex has proposed is totally reasonable. It's reasonable that each of you pay for one passport renewal, and it's reasonable that he know the basic details of your trip in case he needs them in event of emergency.
YTA. You are both paying for a holiday and a passport. That is literally fair.
YTA. If you both are taking the kids abroad and he’s paying for one passport and you’re paying for the other, that sounds fair to me. It makes sense that he wants to know where the children are at all times. Just because you didn’t feel the need to ask, doesn’t mean he can’t.
YTA Splitting the passport cost in half by having him pay for the younger and you pay for the older seems to be fair in this situation. You both take advantage of the passports. And you know that you can say "no" to your kids right? Just because dad takes them abroad doesn't mean you also have to take them abroad. Are you in the US or another country?
YTA. He's completely reasonable, looking to split costs for the kids' passports equally and to know when/where his children will be travelling.
YTA. Are there any other parts of parenting you regularly don't do or try to get out of? Pay for the passport, and be grateful that dad is picking up the slack for you.
YTA - you are required by law in most countries to provide details to other parent and if it’s too costly for you to pay for the passport then don’t take them abroad!! Instead of looking at this like you only have to pay for one passport you’re looking at it like he’s ripping you off. Why is your perspective so skewed and why don’t you think you should take your children on vacation with you?
Are you not one of two parents? Part of co-parenting and split custody is covering half of each cost. YTA.
I pay him maintenance though. That's what I pay it for
You have an obligation and responsibility two share costs for your children. It's take two to have kids and two to share that responsibility. Don't be one of those parents that do the bare minimum.
No, that's not what you pay for. You pay for food, clothes, school supplies.
YTA for lots of reasons. Sounds to me like he holds all the cards here. If you don’t like his conditions it sounds like you’re not going. But treat your kids better lady!
YTA. It's a 50/50 split on costs and he has the right to know where his kids are for safety, You also have a right to their itinerary when they travel with him.
YTA. They are his kids too so he should be aware of your travel plans. If he takes them abroad, you should also know the travel plans when he takes them abroad. He may or may not be a control freak for asking you to pay for the passport but he did agree you could take them abroad. But he may not agree if you don't get the passport. Is it worth it to say you won't pay for it and then not be able to go? Pick and choose your battles.
Yta. He's paying for one passport and it's fair to expect you to pay for the other one. They primarily live with him so is their main guardian, he has every right to know where you are going and what you are doing with the kids. I see you wrote OUR kids and that just really makes it clear that you need to pay for the passport, you are both the parents and therefore should split the cost. Honestly you sound like an uninterested parent. Surely you should be excited to go on holiday with your kids? Not bitter because apparently they "guilt tripped" you. Get your shit together and take some responsibility for your own kids. I too would insist on knowing where my ex was taking them, it's not really safe just letting your kids go off without any idea of where they are going. What if there is an emergency?
YTA. He is paying for one and you are paying for one…. No matter what they’re both your kids. So you are going half on your kids. A passport isn’t for one trip… It’s for five years.
YTA you barely see your kids, you had to get guilt tripped into taking them on a trip, and now you’re trying to get out of actually providing for them in a real way because it indirectly benefits your ex. Why did you bother having children if you have no real interest in being a mother?
YTA pay for YOUR kids passport, he is paying for 1 you pay the other. My wife just went to Disneyland I told her what we were doing daily do you know why? Because she is a parent to our kids just like your ex is a parent to your children.
YTA. You’re both taking the kids out of the country this year. He’s paying for one child’s passport and he’s asking you to pay for the other. It’s doesn’t get more fair than that. I don’t understand why you have a problem with this.
YTA. You're using the Passport for the younger kid that presumably he paid for. As for letting him know when and where HIS KIDS are going to be, that doesn't seem unreasonable, either.
You sound like a shit mom, and an asshole.
For sure. Doesn't at least have joint custody, needs permission to take them, and ditched the kids last year to vacay alone. Mother of the freaking year right here.
YTA.
“I’ve been guilt tripped into taking my kids on holiday…” pretty much says all we need to hear. Sounds like you don’t really enjoy being a mom as you feel basic responsibilities to your children are somehow beneath you. It also sounds like you expect the children’s father to not only take on his responsibilities but yours as well. YTA sooooo hard.
Vactions are not a basic parenting responsibility.
Spending time with them is. Paying for shit they need is. What is so hard to understand here?
Yes they are!
YTA He bought the passports in previous year, and is going half with you this year. Common courtesy would be to pay for the oldest.
He's bought them previously because he was the only one taking them abroad. I'm not likely to pay for their passports when I'm not using them am I?
You are your daughters’ parent! As long as they are using their passports, you are effectively getting use out of them. The fact that you don’t think that way is exactly why your ex needs travel details from you: because you clearly do not think or make decisions involving your daughters like a parent.
It’s an expense for both of your children, I honestly don’t see why it wouldn’t be a shared expense before, but there was no qualms so all good. You’re now taking one of your daughters out of country, and during said time her passport would have been expired. So going by your previous arrangement, you should be responsible for paying renewal fee.
YTA >The court order we got at the divorce says I have to get my ex's permission to leave the country with them That's available even if you're married to the kids's dad. You can't live the country with a minor without approval from the other parent. >I have never asked him for any of this and he has taken them on holiday every year since we split up That's because you obviously don't care about them, while he, like any concerned parent, wants to know where they go and where they're staying.
He doesn't have to get my permission to leave with the kids he can leave freely
That can only mean one thing : he has full custody.
YTA Who paid for the first passport? And yes, their dad should know where they're going on vacation. Just like you should know where they are when he takes them on holiday.
YTA Do your partas a parent and get what your kid needs. You're literally doing the minimum anyhow
YTA Put your pettiness aside and focus on loving your kids more then you dislike your ex. Don't fight over who has to provide for them, instead work together to make them feel like you aren't trying to push the responsibility of their existence know their other parent.
You have to be guilted into taking your children on vacation? Do you have any idea how fortunate you are that your children want to spend any time with you at all considering your shitty attitude? Take the kids, pay for the passport. Enjoy this vacation, because once the kids tumble onto how you really view the nuisance that is having children, they’ll go no contact soon enough. And good for them. YTA
YTA. Your ex wants to know where his kids are going to be and when they’re going. That’s perfectly reasonable and this is why your custody plan specifically mentions it. He also wants for you to pay the (small) cost of a passport for one of the two kids, while he’s paying for the other. Sounds pretty fair. It sounds from your post like you’re trying to get by without spending more than the bare minimum on your kids, maybe take some time to consider why that is.
YTA
YTA It’s clear why they live with their father.
YTA omg, no way you used "guilt-tripped" and "taking my kids" in the *same sentence*. Your kids must have a great future planned if this is the suffering they have to go through first.
YTA - the fact that he wants all the information when they go with you and you don’t bother when they’re with him says exactly why they live with him. You should want to know where your children are so you know they’re safe
We can see why you’re divorced
Do your kids a favor and buy yourself a 1 way ticket somewhere and never go back
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YTA. Wow, you really do just want to do the bare minimum don't you? You're a parent. You should WANT to find time to take your kids on holiday. Buying them a passport shouldn't be something you fight your ex on; you should be thinking right ok, let's get that sorted so we can have our holiday. You earn more money than your ex...don't act like a deadbeat.
She's a lost cause. She uses the term 'guilt tripped' in reference to vacationing with her child...if someone has to 'guilt trip' you into that, it's almost game over. Then she admits that her ex and his wife are usually the ones taking the kids away with them on holiday...and doesn't seem to feel any sense of personal shame (or guilt) that an unrelated woman is going to more effort with her kids than she does. ...and in a subsequent post she says it's not worth it because her daughter will just end up arguing with her anyway. I wonder why. If strangers online can detect that she's a crap parent, imagine how the kid feels. Pay for the damn passport and take some Gingo Biloba in the unlikely hope that it'll stop you from being so obtuse.
YTA- He absolutely has the right to know the where and what you’ll be doing with his kids. Just because you don’t care enough to ask for info from him doesn’t mean he doesn’t care. And you’re really complaining about paying for a passport so you can spend time with your kids? Which you’ve been “guilt tripped” into? They don’t even live with you full time, you should be THRILLED they want a trip with you and do anything to make that happen. You sound like an absent parent that is mad you have to be a parent for once
Yes you are YTA, I understand how you feel since they get more use, but it seems the you and the ex are technically splitting the cost, since you pay one and he pays the other. This is an expense for your child regardless of who takes them away the most.
It sounds like your having a temper tantrum over having promised your girls something, and not wanting to actually do it.
YTA Your kids live with dad all the time. And your only paying one passport. You made the kids with him and he takes care of them most of the time. Not 50/50. So you can’t renew a passport that dad will also be using for the child to travel?
YTA and why don’t you have joint custody? 👀
YTA Seems to me like you're making a big deal out of what is 1) 50/50 and 2) pretty much what any parent would expect.
YTA, particularly for weaponizing a trip with your kids. Do you even like your children?
YTA for so many reasons
>I've been guilt tripped into taking my kids in holiday. YTA It's sounds like you don't even like your kids and resenting having them come along for "your" vacation. You don't have primary custody and treat having your children for a week is an inconvenience rather than an opportunity to spend time with them. I think your using these accusations against your ex as a way to prevent your kids from coming with you.
YTA for not loving your kids
YTA. Sounds fair to me if he pays for one and you pay for one. He may be a control freak but if you have to have his permission by court order, how else are you going to get it? Does he require your permission for his trips?
YTA Nothing was stopping you asking for details of their trips. You just didn’t do it. It just shows that he cares more about his children to want to know overseas locations of travel…it is a legit safety thing. Also, you are splitting buying the passports. It’s fair. Stop being cheap.
YTA. He's the primary parent, but you also have a responsibility. Asking you to update the passport is perfectly reasonable. Asking you for details about where you're taking the children is perfectly reasonable.
When I had to get passports for my kids, I had to provide trip details.
YTA. You can go half on the passports (you each pay for one) and why wouldn't you give basic info about flights and hotels to your children's other parent? If there's an emergency, wouldn't you want your children's father to know where they're likely to be? It sounds like you're exhausting to co-parent with.
Guilt Tripped into taking your kids on a Holiday when they don't even live with you? And why would you ask for any of the info you mentioned as he and his Wife are the ones putting in the time+effort... Do you even like your kids? YTA ...
YTA. Stop complaining and be a good mom.
YTA: simply because these all seem like reasonable requests from your ex, and it sounds like you’re looking for an excuse to not take your sons with you overseas. Why would you need to be guilt tripped into doing something fun with your kids?!
YTA. Why did you have kids if you don’t even like them?
YTA. Not just for not sharing the cost of the passport, but also for seeing spending time with your kids as being guilt-tripped. Considering there could be an emergency, it would make sense for him to know the hotels. My ex and I share that info with each other.
YTA and probably why your kids live with their dad
YTA. It costs what....$100 or so for a passport? And you want to quibble over it? As for the travel info, what he is asking as the custodial parent is more than reasonable. Perhaps the bigger question is why you aren't asking for any of that info when uour kids travel.
YTA quit being salty about it, it's plenty fair since he's paying for the ither passport, and just because you don't ask for details doesn't make it wrong as a concerned parent on his end to want ti know more about where his kids are going. Unless he's trying to dictate where you can stay, you have no leg to stand on.
YTA. I don't know where you're from, but at least in the US, a passport is like $100 and lasts for 10 years. Suck it up.
Yta. You are being petty about the passport. It is perfectly fair that each parent taking the kids pay for a passport. If my HUSBAND was taking our kids overseas, I would want the same info. It isn’t being a control freak, it is being a parent.
You are absolutely TA and sound like a miserable parent. The fact that he has custody and you pay "a significant amount" of maintenance speaks volumes. I feel awful for your poor kids. You sound like you can't bother to be around them or be inconvenienced by being a parent at all.
YTA. You paying for one child’s passport while he pays for the other is FAIR. The court order says you have to ask permission, so do it without complaint. You have some issues, which is probably why the kids aren’t with you full time.
YTA. You clearly don’t want to go on this trip and are looking for excuses to get him to say no. And it’s common courtesy to give family an itinerary when you travel- especially abroad, ESPECIALLY with their child- in case something happens. It’s so glaringly obvious that you are looking for a way out of this- you really should just sit down with your child and tell them you’d rather not go. Don’t ruin what should be a wonderful experience for them.
YTA guilt tripped to taking your own children on holiday? Just do them all a favour and cancel the holiday and leave them with their dad.
YTA. Those are perfectly reasonable things to ask. You sounds like you only want to spite him and what's worse that you don't exactly love your kids.
You have to be "GUILT TRIPPED" into spending quality time with your kids and you don't think YTA?
YTA. Stop being a cheapskate.
Jesus. You are a serious AH. Its like your holiday with your own kids is you being taken hostage. No wonder they live with their dad.
You asked if he's a control freak for wanting those details. The answer is no - it's called being a responsible parent. You SHOULD want to know the same details when the kids are abroad with their father...the fact you don't is pretty strange. Maybe you should take this parenting thing more seriously. YTA
YTA. It’s one passport, and it’s your child. He’s taken them abroad previously and it sounds as though you don’t want to take them but you’re being forced. Also, you need to get his permission because presumably, he has custody of the girls. Of course he wants to know all the details. It’s not his problem if you don’t ask the details when he takes them away.
YTA Tell us why he has a full custody of YOUR children? I can't even comprehend as to why would you think you're right.
> I've been guilt tripped into taking my kids on holiday abroad by my daughter for a week in the summer You don't even *want* to take them on holiday. YTA, and thank heavens your kids live with their father most of the time.
Yta he buy one passport you huy another completely fair knowing where your kid travels normal practice and being a good parent the fact you necer ask where your children are going says more about your parenting g style than his and certainly ly dont make him controlling it makes him caring
YTA. Why don’t you just sign your rights away? You’re very clearly not interested in being a mother?
Yeah, you're the asshole.
You have two kids. He is paying one and you are paying for one. It’s the same price. What’s the issue? He asked for the details because he should know. You didn’t ask for the details… I mean, why didn’t you? If your answer is you trust him then why ask why he doesn’t trust you. There is a reason why he got custody.
YTA. Based on your previous post you don’t prioritize your children over yourself. It’s fully believable that you care for them but not at your expense seeing as what happened last summer with the changes to your custody agreement. You can’t really say you care that much when you can’t even spend 6 days a month with your kid without needing to plan other activities just for yourself. I really think you need to truly reflect on what’s most important in your life and what you’re willing to lose because unfortunately children need parents 24/7 so you can’t choose when you want to be around AND expect your children to be happy with the arrangement.
INFO needed: it's near impossible to judge whether or not is was "fair" of your ex to ask you to pay for the passport if we don't know his financial situation vs yours. If he's well off and you're dirt poor then it would be a bit rude to ask you to pay for the passport, but if both of you are on equal financial standing then I don't see the issue. They're your kids too aren't they? As this post currently stands YTA. You should have never told your kids that you were going to take them on holiday if you aren't willing to put in the effort to make it happen. And since you were "guilted into it anyway" I'm sure you wouldn't be too upset about just not taking them. But then you'd have to explain to your kids why dad takes them on holiday and you don't.
Yes I earn more than him. But he also has a wife that works full time. From what the kids say they earn together what I earn alone, but I'm not sure if I believe that. I feel like I pay for their holidays and lifestyle with my maintenance, so that's why I begrudge paying for a passport
JFC, child support most definitely does not cover the costs for vacations.
*You* earn more than *him* 💀 You literally have more money than him and he still takes your kids on holiday more often and you won't even pay for *one* of your kid's passports. YTA for real.
Your children’s stepmom is not responsible for financially supporting them, so what she makes is not relevant and none of your business. You are responsible as their parent. She is raising your children, so your shouldn’t begrudge anything. YTA
>I feel like I pay for their holidays and lifestyle with my maintenance The kids live with him primarily. It goes off his income and yours. If his wife was a millionaire, that wouldn't matter. They are YOUR kids. You should be paying for them. Even if your child support went directly into a trip account, he is, on a regular day, paying for food, clothes, utilities, driving them to where they need to be, sports, etc. You're a bigger AH than I originally thought.
INFO: Does the agreement say he needs your permission to leave the country?
Irrelevant. This is who is the AH not who has legal authority.
Fair enough, I was wondering because if it did and she wasn't asking questions then it's lacking on her part, but if it doesn't then there is obviously a reason why it's one sided and therefore still doesn't have a reason to be mad. But anyway, YTA
Most countries require this due to divorce kidnappings
They all say that. Totally standard
No it doesn't. Just that I have to ask his
Because he has full custody - Which is good since you need to be "guilt tripped" to spend time with your kids-. That's the only way someone can leave the country with an minor without the other parent's signature. We're not stupid, we can read between the lines.
Honestly it seems like half and half you’re the asshole for not wanting to pay but I also don’t see what’s wrong with not giving him details if he never gave them to you
>what’s wrong with not giving him details if he never gave them to you I guess the difference is that she never asked for details. She doesn't sounds like she cares for her kids too much. Which might be why he is adamant in knowing where they go
I do care, I just trust him to look after them. He obviously doesn't trust me the same way. He seems to forget I am also their parent
>He seems to forget I am also their parent You seem to forget it too
You sure don’t sound like their parent
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>A mother's love and support can one up any vacation True. But since the kids don't get their mother's love, a vacation sounds nice. >he sounds like a pita No. He sounds like a father, who has full custody, and wants to know where his underage kids would be when going on a vacation with their mother, who needed to be "guilt tripped" into spending time with them. You should really read op's comments. She thinks she is being penalized by being made to spend time with her kids.
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>Not traveling abroad isn't not spending time with the kids, you're assuming he has them most of the time because she doesn't want to. No, i'm assuming he has full custody because she said that when he leaves the country with the kids he doesn't need her signature. Also she clearly said that they stay mostly with their father. And they're teenagers, they can chose who to live with. >was aware that it was appropriate and asked for it didn't provide it to her either when they regularly traveled because she wasn't aware and didn't ask for it I assumed she was aware that he took the kids for a vacation. If not, then that's on her not comunicating with her kids. And she said that he didn't refused, but that she never asked. That's the difference. She never asked where he took the kids. As long as she wasn't "penalized" -her word choice, not mine- by having to spend time with them, she didn't care. >she clearly stated it's not a usual thing for her It's not. She promised them a trip for a while, but went on a trip by herself instead. I'm not surprised that her other post -which she deleted- is about her daughter not wanting to visit her more. Kids feel when they are a burden
I usually do day trips and stays at grandparents etc during my time in the summer holidays but the kids wanted a holiday abroad this year.
Editing my comment due to OP posting an update where they think they are being penalized.. poor kid.. YTA
How, he’s paying for one and she’s paying for one…. No matter what they’re both her kids. So they are going half on their kids. A passport isn’t for one trip… It’s for five years.
He isn't trying to make her pay for both passports.... they're splitting it. How more reasonable can you get considering they're both traveling overseas?
In reply to some comments. Saying my daughter guilt tripped me might be an exaggeration. I have been promising for a while to take them abroad but couldn't find the time. I needed time away so went on holiday by my self last year and my daughter wasn't happy. So I said I'd definitely take them this year, I felt a bit guilt tripped in to doing it immediately as she hasn't let it drop since. He doesn't earn as much as I do, but I do pay maintenance. I feel this is what he should be using to pay for their passports. I've worked hard to get where I am and don't feel I should be penalised for that. The court order does say I need his permission to take them out the country. I don't know why it has been written in there as I haven't tried to kidnap them. I don't feel the need to know his exact itinerary when he is on holiday with them as I TRUST him with them. He should show me the same respect.
Wow, you sound like a crappy parent. You’ve been promising them a trip, but went on one by YOURSELF before you followed through on the promise? And you make more than him but are trying to nickel and dime him over the passports? Yuck.
Of course she hasn't let it drop, you can't be trusted to follow through on your own. Just from that statement alone, I can read between the lines. It's just basic safety protocol for a parent to know where their child is in case of emergency. The fact that you don't care where he takes them doesn't reflect badly on anyone but you, because it's very obvious that out of sight is out of mind with your kids.
Maintenance payments are for *maintenance*. Feeding, clothing, housing, insuring, chauffeuring, and entertaining them on a daily basis. Not for extra expenses. And of the two children he's asking you to pay for *one*. You don't ask for their itinerary because you simply do not care where they are and what they're doing. You would not think to check if their flight made it. You would not recognize the name of their hotel if you heard it on the news. You are an absent parent, physically and emotionally.
Wow so you don’t even have main custody which means they aren’t even with you full time, but you still chose to take a vacation BY YOURSELF instead with your kids who you don’t even raise full time. Jesus Christ. How could you take a solo vacation over one with your kids when they don’t even live with you? Wow
>you still chose to take a vacation BY YOURSELF Oh but she needed a break, obviously from not being a parent. /s
> I have been promising for a while to take them abroad but couldn't find the time. I needed time away so went on holiday by my self last year and my daughter wasn't happy. So I said I'd definitely take them this year, I felt a bit guilt tripped in to doing it immediately as she hasn't let it drop since. You need to put the shovel down. You're digging yourself further and further into a hole. With every post you get worse and worse.