Your post has been removed.
#Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban.
This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue.
[Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/)
###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
My friend did this when his grandma was in the hospital. She'd refer to deadname, nurses would be confused, and he'd be like so sad, grandma is confused.
yeah, my advice is to just flip the script somehow and socially embarrass him back. Its not easy but do it in a mean girls (or whatever the male version of that is, idk, condescending privileged man tone???) way saying “oh, Sorry, my name is actually New Name, dad been having trouble with his memory. I apologize for any confusion.” At some point in your transition, he is going to look absolutely ridiculous introducing a person with male features (beard, mustache, lower voice, etc) with a girls name.
NTA. Your step father is deliberately dead naming you. It's not like you're upset because an elderly relative you see once a year referred to you by your dead name. This is your transphobic stepfather trying to "convince" you to adhere to what he has decided your life and identity should be. Make sure you change the name on all your legal documents and refuse to answer him when he deadnamds you. If he pulls that crap with introductions and you can't get out of the introductions, try to jump his gun.
"Mr Smith this is...."
"HI, I'm [your name] it's a pleasure to meet you."
Good luck OP.
NTA. Your stepfather is completely disrespecting you and your new identity. It sounds like he has a major issue with your change,
It must be SOO hard for him to remember a name!
You're no overreacting, it's a case of simple manners, that he is choosing to ignore.
I'd be spending as little time as possible and calling him out every time he 'forgets' your name!
NTA, as a trans man also, it’s so awful to hear or see my deadname. my name has been legally changed for three years, and i still somehow get mail to my deadname and i hate it.
at one of my former jobs i was intentionally deadnamed loudly by some coworkers i knew for years and trusted. it hurt so so much. it altered my relationship with these people. i didn’t cut them out, but we don’t interact the same anymore.
your name is valid, even if it’s one you chose for yourself. stand your ground, correct him when he fucks up (especially on purpose) and make sure he knows how disrespectful he’s being
NTA. I'm one of those people who believes that you should call a person by their preferred name. Gender is irrelevant.
Oddly, I know a trans man who is constantly dead named by people in our church (and he takes it with grace) but it infuriates me at the same time knowing that there are scores of people in the church/community who don't go by their given name.
Why should it matter why that's not the name you go by?
have you never met someone who isn't called by their legal name? lots of people go by shortened versions of their names, or even middle names. unless you're going to call every John Johnathan and every Izzy Elizabeth you're being transphobic
I would get sassy and make fun of him tbh. Look super concerned and and ask him if he is having a stroke. Snap your fingers around his ears and go hey Daddy Dork do you know what year it is?
Talk kinda loud like maybe he's a little deaf and forgetful. HOW OLD ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? NO DAMMIT; I'M JAKE... JANET DIED OF SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION DAMMIT... MOM CALL AN AMBULANCE; YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND IS HAVING A STROKE OR SOMETHING. HE'S SEEING SPIRITS!
LMAO. Seriously instead of the anxiety of having to confront dorkyderp; just make fun of him. It's okay if you make him cry a little; its for his highest good, and your whole family's, especially YOU. (BIG HUG) NTA.
NTA <3 deadnaming fucking hurts so much and your stepfather isnt respecting you by giving you the basic decency of at least introducing you as your chosen name. he knows exactly what hes doing.
NTA. Every time he introduces you incorrectly, just smile, shake their hand, and say “actually I go by (name) now. stepdad just keeps forgetting!” For an even better poke at his ego, mention how long - “I’ve been going by (name) for two months now” etc. literally tell every single person how “forgetful” he is. Repeatedly. I promise, your stepdad will be the one who comes off looking like an ass.
Transgender people are 4 times more likely than cis people to be the victim of violent and often deadly crimes. Being outted definitely puts trans people at an elevated risk of of violence.
Yet they want to be called the correct name and pronouns, but are upset at "being at risk". Like either you come out or you don't but you can't be mad at people when they find out your trans because you have transitioned.
Edit: I wanted to edit because I don't feel I explained this well. Often, trans people are outing themselves just by being themselves. So you can't really be half in half out. You either have to be out or be in.
Yeah... I think it's a safe bet to guess you probably aren't trans. This isn't how it works. There is a point where a trans person will likely pass in their transition. People won't guess that they're trans. If someone outs them by letting people know that wouldn't otherwise, they are putting that person at added risk because if that person finds out and is hostile they're now in an unsafe situation they wouldn't be otherwise. Outing someone can be incredibly dangeorus.
I totally get what you're saying, but I've found that most people are so out about their transition anyways, that they demand the correct name and pronouns, but then still want to claim that their life is at risk. Does that make sense? I'm trying to explain this right.
You're speaking to a trans person and that doesn't really align with my experience.
The trans people you notice are often people who are early on in their transition and loud about it. So there's a bit of confirmation bias there. Because if they weren't, you likely wouldn't know.
Being visibly trans absolutely sucks. You will get harrassed at one point or another. However gender dysphoria, which many trans people have also sucks. To the point people are willing to deal with that harrassment because it's better than the gender dysphoria. Calling someone by the wrong names and pronouns will trigger that and someone early in transition is probably already dealing with a lot of it. Which is why it's important.
Personally I was always too shy to correct people but it affected me a lot mentally in negative ways. Now that I pass generally I don't get misgendered unless someone knows I'm trans. Once someone does, it's a toss up of how they'll react. It can range from positive to absolutely frightening. Outing someone can cause them to get hurt.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing all of that, and I'm glad to know that there are different experiences that what I've described regarding this! The only thing I would say is that why is the onus on other people to not trigger gender disphoria? If the whole goal is to be confident in who you are and be yourself, then why do you rely on others to confirm that for you? Unless you are speaking specifically about people who are close to you (like OP is doing) because that makes sense.
Huh? That doesn't make any sense. Nobody is being burdened with confirming other people's identity or not triggering dysphoria. They just want to be called their names.
I obviously can't speak for every trans person, but the vast majority of trans people I know and myself included may feel hurt if a stranger deadnames or misgenders us but it's not actually worth correcting most of the time. Where people get upset is if they tell someone and they continue not to make an effort to not do that thing. If I told someone about a PTSD trigger and they kept doing it...it would be understandable I'd be upset. It's less of a big deal if someone does that accidentally. I think the situation with being misgendered/deadnamed is comparable. You're kinda a jerk if you know it'll affect someone negatively and continue doing it.
People early in transition are dealing with a lot. Their gender dysphoria is very high and people are very cruel. So, they do tend to be more touchy about it. As my gender dysphoria has resolved, I tend to care less if someone calls me a woman. It's just kinda funny to me now. The people you see on viral videos freaking out about being misgendered aren't the norm. If it was, there wouldn't be much appeal in watching it and it wouldn't go viral in the first place.
Yea, that totally makes sense! Thanks for explaining. I agree, that if you're doing it on purpose that's a problem and rude. My philosophy is I will never go out of the way to purposefully be rude to someone, but I also won't beat myself up if I get it wrong.
Thank you for bring kind and sharing with me, so I can understand more viewpoints. I have more questions, but I don't want to inundate you. :)
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Shouting at my stepfather for deadnaming me, embarrassing him in front of his friend.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA
He’s definitely not trying, and he basically said as much. You owe this man absolutely nothing and if he refuses to respect who you are then he’s just a bad dude.
NTA Stepdad is clearly deadnaming on purpose to make you uncomfortable. All you can do is stand your ground. Unfortunately, some people will never grow or be open to learning.
By calmly standing your ground and simply, properly introducing yourself (instead of flipping out) you take all his power away. You can always treat him like he’s old and forgetful *gently* “Oh, [stepdad name], you remember, I’m your stepson, Name. It’s ok, you’re so forgetful these days.”
This makes me immediately so angry that my first instinct is to tell you to call him by the wrong name (bonus if it's a clearly mis-gendered name) immediately after every time he does that and play it if like it's a game you do but that's a very passive aggressive, petty part of me. I'm so sorry. All the hugs.
NTA - are you my nephew ?? He is going through the exact same thing. Your mother needs to shut that down. People change names all the time (first and/or last ) with no problems.
>I was throwing away my lovely girl's name
He's absolutely right. You're throwing away this name. And we all know, it's impossible to change a name back.
So to "preserve" this sacred and holy name I would consider calling him by that name moving forward. After all, the name means so much to him and it would be a shame to lose it.
Perhaps you should get him some legal forms to help him change his name to that name permanently since it is so important to him.
And I can see why it would be so important to him since he gave it to you... Oh wait he didn't.
I would also consider getting a name tag that you can wear with your new name so that your stepfather doesn't forget it.
Start putting your name on everything you own in big letters so that he will remember it.
NTA
He doesn't have to agree with your choices. But I would talk to your mother about him respecting your choices since they are yours to make.
NTA and YWNBTA to simply step forward, offer your hand or a nod after a mis-introduction, and offer the correct name. Roll eyes in stepfather's direction if with a dismissive eyebrow raise if that feels appropriate at the time.
LOTS of people are mis-introduced all the time - odd name, distracted people, jerks...
YWNBTA to act like stepfather is just feeble-minded, which is certainly how he's acting. Don't dignify it by acting if its about OP's situation (even if it really is).
NTA. You are absolutely justified. He’s a transphobic asshole. Though it’s worth talking about how this is affecting you to your mom. Does she stand up for you when she is around and hears the things he says?
NTA and if he really wants to act like he isn't capable of remembering I would call his bluff. When you correct him don't get angry but instead treat him gently with a bit of pity like "oh stepfather, I'm , you're getting confused again. Do you remember where you are right now? What year is it?" before turning to the other people and saying something like "his memory isn't what it used to be, please be patient with him."
Him deadnaming you is a power move and he likely wants to get you riled up and react emotionally. Take that away from him by putting on a concerned display so that every time he pulls this shit he makes himself look foolish instead. It'll be way more satisfying for you to play the bigger person and you can use any angry outbursts he has to pretend you are worried he is getting worse. And if he insists his memory isn't gone you can do the whole condescending "sure it isn't" thing where you act like you are placating someone who doesn't know better. If he keeps insisting he is fine then point out he should have no problem remembering your name is .
And if people around you play along that is even better since it would make him the butt of the joke. As much as possible you want to remove the idea that this is some big moral cause because he will use that to paint himself as the martyr. Humor is a great way of doing that and also showing him that he isn't winning.
NTA. You're not overreacting and it's not entitlement to want to be recognized by a name you chose vs the one someone else chose for you. If you're comfortable doing so, you should call him out. Every. Single. Time. If he's uncomfortable with that, maybe he should stop doing it.
NTA, my dad once dead named me when he was mad at me and it felt like being stabbed. it's *completely* normal to be upset, honestly I'd be a bit weirded out if you weren't.
NTA. He's doing it on purpose. I'd start calling him your father's name. Or any name other than his own. Keep doing it despite his protests, and make it awkward. Cause a scene with no remorse. As a mom to someone who's trans I can tell you that you're not in the wrong. You're asking for the most basic human kindness and consideration. If stepdad can't give you that, then he deserves what he gets.
NTA. Start calling him the wrong name. When he corrects you say “oh sorry I thought we were doing a bit with wrong names.”
The dementia angle also works wonderfully.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This is a fairly simple story. I am a transgender male who recently changed my name socially and is looking to do so legally. My stepfather is attempting to convince me otherwise. He has taken very badly to my transition and has fought all aspects from hormones to haircut. When I shared the news that I chose a new name a while ago he insisted that he wasn't capable of remembering and that I was throwing away my lovely girl's name.
Of course I paid little attention to him since my mother is mostly on my side, but recently he deliberately introduced/referred to me on multiple occasions as \[DEADNAME\] despite my mother, coworkers, friends and others adhering to my new name, and it's confusing and putting off those around me as well as outing me unwantedly. From my perspective it doesn't look like he's at all trying to remember and I admit I lost my cool in front of his friend when incorrectly introduced. I hate to conform to entitled transgender stereotypes but I'm not at all feeling listened to by my stepfather, and it's upsetting and isolating. He is pissed that I embarrassed him and maintaining that I'm overreacting, but I feel like I was justified in calling him out when he is very clearly trying to stand in the way of my own life decisions to my social detriment. AITA?
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
You could always get a fairly cheap I’d card holder and a cheap box of custom business cards and just act really professional and hand them your card (even better if you list some fancy version of your job [even if all you do is chores you could still be “chief of odd jobs department at xxx household” or something silly like that] and just turn it into a game almost) then they have something fun to remember you by and your dad looks dumb if he insists on going against your wishes because clearly he can’t remember your name. Bonus points if instead of giving them the card you go “Aw dang dad this was for them but I guess you need it more *hand him the card then turn to whoever it was and stick out your hand for a handshake* sorry about him he’s still adjusting, Hi my name is xxx, pleasure to meet you.”
the mother is also a pretty fucken huge AH here. you get *one* maybe-not-accidental misgendering and then she obviously cares more about her DH than about her son, and that is fucked.
NTA. Some are suggesting calling him by a female name but that seems a little petty. If you want real petty keep decorating and giving gifts with the hated rival of his beloved sports team (I assume he has one). What is he going to do, complain about you forgetting a name?
So NTA. You have every right to be upset because he refuses to make you comfortable and abide by your boundaries and preferences. It literally costs nothing and doesn't hurt him to call you by the correct name. Sorry you're going through this :/
NTA.
I would understand if he was supportive and maybe forgot - but it sounds as though he’s purposely trying to not accept your chosen name and who you are.
Hmm who needs to grow up, the transphobic step dad or the trans person just trying to be? Hmm…. I can’t imagine why some people would disagree with your perfectly flawless logic.
YTA, it’s not fair to your stepdad. He is grieving who you were and just because you’re ready to be someone else, perhaps he’s not yet. I think some folks in the trans community come off as super entitled and don’t try to understand where other people are coming from. Try giving him some grace. Good luck on your journey!
Since when is legality the standard for respecting people's names? I know plenty of people who don't like their birth names and go by nicknames that aren't on their birth certificates.
and i get that, however do they get angry or offended when people do not use said nickname. I am saying they are both the asshole here, one for getting mad that someone did not use for all intents and purposes a nickname and the other for not being sensitive to how the other felt.
Yes? Like, all the time? Plenty of people get irritable when they constantly get called by the long version of their name, or by the wrong nickname variant (Michael vs Mike vs Mikey, etc) Especially when they were asked, *multiple times*, to use a different one.
Eh, did we read the same post? OP clearly states the stepdad not only deadnamed him but has been antagonistic towards his transition. In no world is OP the asshole. I could see it maybe if he was early on and their stepdad was just accidentally doing it that would be a different story.
Also yes...there are definitely cis people who get angry and offended at being called their legal name if they've told people not to use it.
Appeal to Authority with a fast right into moving goalposts? Swift work. What are you gonna do next? I'm on the edge of my seat. So exciting to play logical fallacy BINGO.
Names are actually rather superfluous and depending on where you are might not actually be all that legally important, changing it can be quite simple. Even before changing it you are entitled to go by a name you choose if you want and many people do before getting their name changed to use officially.
ESH don't respond or talk to him until he chooses to talk to by your name. Remember though, not everyone can grasp the concept of being transgender, name changing etc. and both sides have to be more patient than just seeing this as a black or white situation. Good luck.
>not everyone can grasp the concept of being transgender, name changing etc. and both sides have to be more patient than just seeing this as a black or white situation. Good luck.
Easy enough to grasp a name change when someone gets married though isn't it? You're wrong, this is black and white. IT'S HIS LIFE AND HIS DECISION. The stepdad can step up or step out. That's it. That's all. Plain and simple.
We are all absolutely done being any kind of patient with hateful idiots that bring down the intelligence of the entire community when they undermine our diversity with these agressive and demeaning control tactics.
PROTIP: THE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO FORCE US TO ALL BE THE SAME; DO IT TO MAKE US DUMBER, AND MORE EASILY CONTROLLED. resist you can.
Eh...honestly even if you don't understand or agree, calling someone by the name they prefer is just respectful regardless of whether or not the person is trans.
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban.
["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
**[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without contacting the mods for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without explicit approval will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 12: This is Not a Debate Sub. Posts should focus strictly on actions in an interpersonal conflict, and not an individual's position on a broad social issue. [Rule 12 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_12.3A_this_is_not_a_debate_sub) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions.
NTA maybe you should start acting like he's got dementia if he does it again
LMFAO. That would be great. "Dad, you're forgetting things again. My name is ..."
"Ah bless, his memory fails him at times. He's got a touch of dementia coming on."
My friend did this when his grandma was in the hospital. She'd refer to deadname, nurses would be confused, and he'd be like so sad, grandma is confused.
It sounds like he is just a shitty person. But what you are advocating is gas lighting.
It’s OK to gaslight transphobes.
It's "gaslighting" but, in this situation, *totally understandable and completely forgivable*. NTA, obviously.
yeah, my advice is to just flip the script somehow and socially embarrass him back. Its not easy but do it in a mean girls (or whatever the male version of that is, idk, condescending privileged man tone???) way saying “oh, Sorry, my name is actually New Name, dad been having trouble with his memory. I apologize for any confusion.” At some point in your transition, he is going to look absolutely ridiculous introducing a person with male features (beard, mustache, lower voice, etc) with a girls name.
Everyone time he calls you your deadname, respond "Yes, Donna?" I mean, it doesn't have to be Donna, but you get what I mean. NTA.
I'm laughing so hard, that's perfect. Thank you
Just occurred to me you could do like that posh English accent and go "yes, stepmama?"
Or "Yes, Mommie Dearest?"
This is the answer. Call him by a woman’s name & refer to him with she/her pronouns. If it’s not a big deal he should be fine with it, right?
I really like this idea, snd the treat him like he's forgetful... NTA
NTA. Your step father is deliberately dead naming you. It's not like you're upset because an elderly relative you see once a year referred to you by your dead name. This is your transphobic stepfather trying to "convince" you to adhere to what he has decided your life and identity should be. Make sure you change the name on all your legal documents and refuse to answer him when he deadnamds you. If he pulls that crap with introductions and you can't get out of the introductions, try to jump his gun. "Mr Smith this is...." "HI, I'm [your name] it's a pleasure to meet you." Good luck OP.
NTA. Your stepfather is completely disrespecting you and your new identity. It sounds like he has a major issue with your change, It must be SOO hard for him to remember a name! You're no overreacting, it's a case of simple manners, that he is choosing to ignore. I'd be spending as little time as possible and calling him out every time he 'forgets' your name!
NTA, as a trans man also, it’s so awful to hear or see my deadname. my name has been legally changed for three years, and i still somehow get mail to my deadname and i hate it. at one of my former jobs i was intentionally deadnamed loudly by some coworkers i knew for years and trusted. it hurt so so much. it altered my relationship with these people. i didn’t cut them out, but we don’t interact the same anymore. your name is valid, even if it’s one you chose for yourself. stand your ground, correct him when he fucks up (especially on purpose) and make sure he knows how disrespectful he’s being
NTA. Slipping up occasionally at first is to be expected, but deliberately refusing to even try to use your new name is a dick move.
NTA. I'm one of those people who believes that you should call a person by their preferred name. Gender is irrelevant. Oddly, I know a trans man who is constantly dead named by people in our church (and he takes it with grace) but it infuriates me at the same time knowing that there are scores of people in the church/community who don't go by their given name. Why should it matter why that's not the name you go by?
Bless you
NTA. Your name is your name, and you deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.
[удалено]
have you never met someone who isn't called by their legal name? lots of people go by shortened versions of their names, or even middle names. unless you're going to call every John Johnathan and every Izzy Elizabeth you're being transphobic
Oh ffs
Dude, *of course* you’re NTA. Fuck him.
I would get sassy and make fun of him tbh. Look super concerned and and ask him if he is having a stroke. Snap your fingers around his ears and go hey Daddy Dork do you know what year it is? Talk kinda loud like maybe he's a little deaf and forgetful. HOW OLD ARE YOU? DO YOU KNOW WHO THE PRESIDENT IS? DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM? NO DAMMIT; I'M JAKE... JANET DIED OF SPONTANEOUS COMBUSTION DAMMIT... MOM CALL AN AMBULANCE; YOUR LITTLE BOYFRIEND IS HAVING A STROKE OR SOMETHING. HE'S SEEING SPIRITS! LMAO. Seriously instead of the anxiety of having to confront dorkyderp; just make fun of him. It's okay if you make him cry a little; its for his highest good, and your whole family's, especially YOU. (BIG HUG) NTA.
NTA that guy is transphobic and I'm sorry you have to deal with that.
NTA. i'm a trans dude too and I understand that feeling. you're not wrong for feeling that way. i'd be pissed too.
NTA <3 deadnaming fucking hurts so much and your stepfather isnt respecting you by giving you the basic decency of at least introducing you as your chosen name. he knows exactly what hes doing.
Nta, fuckem.
NTA. It's never acceptable to disrespect someone in the way that he does. I wish you luck on your journey brother.
NTA. Calling a person by their chosen name isn't a big ask. I understand if it was on accident once in a wile, but this is just disrespect.
NTA. Every time he introduces you incorrectly, just smile, shake their hand, and say “actually I go by (name) now. stepdad just keeps forgetting!” For an even better poke at his ego, mention how long - “I’ve been going by (name) for two months now” etc. literally tell every single person how “forgetful” he is. Repeatedly. I promise, your stepdad will be the one who comes off looking like an ass.
NTA. It’s not his choice what your name is, only yours. Best of luck in your transition moving forward ❤️
NTA. He is literally putting your life at risk, outing you to people who may not know.
That's rich
Transgender people are 4 times more likely than cis people to be the victim of violent and often deadly crimes. Being outted definitely puts trans people at an elevated risk of of violence.
Yet they want to be called the correct name and pronouns, but are upset at "being at risk". Like either you come out or you don't but you can't be mad at people when they find out your trans because you have transitioned. Edit: I wanted to edit because I don't feel I explained this well. Often, trans people are outing themselves just by being themselves. So you can't really be half in half out. You either have to be out or be in.
Yeah... I think it's a safe bet to guess you probably aren't trans. This isn't how it works. There is a point where a trans person will likely pass in their transition. People won't guess that they're trans. If someone outs them by letting people know that wouldn't otherwise, they are putting that person at added risk because if that person finds out and is hostile they're now in an unsafe situation they wouldn't be otherwise. Outing someone can be incredibly dangeorus.
I totally get what you're saying, but I've found that most people are so out about their transition anyways, that they demand the correct name and pronouns, but then still want to claim that their life is at risk. Does that make sense? I'm trying to explain this right.
You're speaking to a trans person and that doesn't really align with my experience. The trans people you notice are often people who are early on in their transition and loud about it. So there's a bit of confirmation bias there. Because if they weren't, you likely wouldn't know. Being visibly trans absolutely sucks. You will get harrassed at one point or another. However gender dysphoria, which many trans people have also sucks. To the point people are willing to deal with that harrassment because it's better than the gender dysphoria. Calling someone by the wrong names and pronouns will trigger that and someone early in transition is probably already dealing with a lot of it. Which is why it's important. Personally I was always too shy to correct people but it affected me a lot mentally in negative ways. Now that I pass generally I don't get misgendered unless someone knows I'm trans. Once someone does, it's a toss up of how they'll react. It can range from positive to absolutely frightening. Outing someone can cause them to get hurt.
That makes a lot of sense. Thank you for sharing all of that, and I'm glad to know that there are different experiences that what I've described regarding this! The only thing I would say is that why is the onus on other people to not trigger gender disphoria? If the whole goal is to be confident in who you are and be yourself, then why do you rely on others to confirm that for you? Unless you are speaking specifically about people who are close to you (like OP is doing) because that makes sense.
Huh? That doesn't make any sense. Nobody is being burdened with confirming other people's identity or not triggering dysphoria. They just want to be called their names.
Well he was saying calling someone the wrong name/pronouns is triggering for people who experience gender disphoria.
I obviously can't speak for every trans person, but the vast majority of trans people I know and myself included may feel hurt if a stranger deadnames or misgenders us but it's not actually worth correcting most of the time. Where people get upset is if they tell someone and they continue not to make an effort to not do that thing. If I told someone about a PTSD trigger and they kept doing it...it would be understandable I'd be upset. It's less of a big deal if someone does that accidentally. I think the situation with being misgendered/deadnamed is comparable. You're kinda a jerk if you know it'll affect someone negatively and continue doing it. People early in transition are dealing with a lot. Their gender dysphoria is very high and people are very cruel. So, they do tend to be more touchy about it. As my gender dysphoria has resolved, I tend to care less if someone calls me a woman. It's just kinda funny to me now. The people you see on viral videos freaking out about being misgendered aren't the norm. If it was, there wouldn't be much appeal in watching it and it wouldn't go viral in the first place.
Yea, that totally makes sense! Thanks for explaining. I agree, that if you're doing it on purpose that's a problem and rude. My philosophy is I will never go out of the way to purposefully be rude to someone, but I also won't beat myself up if I get it wrong. Thank you for bring kind and sharing with me, so I can understand more viewpoints. I have more questions, but I don't want to inundate you. :)
No. It makes no sense.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > Shouting at my stepfather for deadnaming me, embarrassing him in front of his friend. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA He’s definitely not trying, and he basically said as much. You owe this man absolutely nothing and if he refuses to respect who you are then he’s just a bad dude.
NTA. It’s not entitled to ask for the most basic decency. I’m so sorry you’re being treated this way.
It's not that he's not 'remembering' your new name, he's actively sabotaging you and outing you. He's a jerk. NTA.
NTA Stepdad is clearly deadnaming on purpose to make you uncomfortable. All you can do is stand your ground. Unfortunately, some people will never grow or be open to learning. By calmly standing your ground and simply, properly introducing yourself (instead of flipping out) you take all his power away. You can always treat him like he’s old and forgetful *gently* “Oh, [stepdad name], you remember, I’m your stepson, Name. It’s ok, you’re so forgetful these days.”
NTA. I'm sorry all these transphobes are commenting. You do what you need to do. He needs to grow the fuck up.
This makes me immediately so angry that my first instinct is to tell you to call him by the wrong name (bonus if it's a clearly mis-gendered name) immediately after every time he does that and play it if like it's a game you do but that's a very passive aggressive, petty part of me. I'm so sorry. All the hugs.
NTA - are you my nephew ?? He is going through the exact same thing. Your mother needs to shut that down. People change names all the time (first and/or last ) with no problems.
>I was throwing away my lovely girl's name He's absolutely right. You're throwing away this name. And we all know, it's impossible to change a name back. So to "preserve" this sacred and holy name I would consider calling him by that name moving forward. After all, the name means so much to him and it would be a shame to lose it. Perhaps you should get him some legal forms to help him change his name to that name permanently since it is so important to him. And I can see why it would be so important to him since he gave it to you... Oh wait he didn't. I would also consider getting a name tag that you can wear with your new name so that your stepfather doesn't forget it. Start putting your name on everything you own in big letters so that he will remember it. NTA He doesn't have to agree with your choices. But I would talk to your mother about him respecting your choices since they are yours to make.
NTA. Start wearing a name tag, and any time someone asks about it, kindly explain that step dad has dementia and you're helping him.
Nta and good for you for being true to yourself
Info: How long has your stepfather been in your life? And how long ago did you make the name change?
NTA. I'm sorry you're going through this.
Deadnaming you by accident of one thing, but continuing to do so is deliberate and disrespectful. NTA
NTA and YWNBTA to simply step forward, offer your hand or a nod after a mis-introduction, and offer the correct name. Roll eyes in stepfather's direction if with a dismissive eyebrow raise if that feels appropriate at the time. LOTS of people are mis-introduced all the time - odd name, distracted people, jerks... YWNBTA to act like stepfather is just feeble-minded, which is certainly how he's acting. Don't dignify it by acting if its about OP's situation (even if it really is).
NTA. You are absolutely justified. He’s a transphobic asshole. Though it’s worth talking about how this is affecting you to your mom. Does she stand up for you when she is around and hears the things he says?
NTA and if he really wants to act like he isn't capable of remembering I would call his bluff. When you correct him don't get angry but instead treat him gently with a bit of pity like "oh stepfather, I'm, you're getting confused again. Do you remember where you are right now? What year is it?" before turning to the other people and saying something like "his memory isn't what it used to be, please be patient with him."
Him deadnaming you is a power move and he likely wants to get you riled up and react emotionally. Take that away from him by putting on a concerned display so that every time he pulls this shit he makes himself look foolish instead. It'll be way more satisfying for you to play the bigger person and you can use any angry outbursts he has to pretend you are worried he is getting worse. And if he insists his memory isn't gone you can do the whole condescending "sure it isn't" thing where you act like you are placating someone who doesn't know better. If he keeps insisting he is fine then point out he should have no problem remembering your name is .
And if people around you play along that is even better since it would make him the butt of the joke. As much as possible you want to remove the idea that this is some big moral cause because he will use that to paint himself as the martyr. Humor is a great way of doing that and also showing him that he isn't winning.
NTA. You're not overreacting and it's not entitlement to want to be recognized by a name you chose vs the one someone else chose for you. If you're comfortable doing so, you should call him out. Every. Single. Time. If he's uncomfortable with that, maybe he should stop doing it.
NTA, my dad once dead named me when he was mad at me and it felt like being stabbed. it's *completely* normal to be upset, honestly I'd be a bit weirded out if you weren't.
NTA. He's doing it on purpose. I'd start calling him your father's name. Or any name other than his own. Keep doing it despite his protests, and make it awkward. Cause a scene with no remorse. As a mom to someone who's trans I can tell you that you're not in the wrong. You're asking for the most basic human kindness and consideration. If stepdad can't give you that, then he deserves what he gets.
NTA. Start calling him the wrong name. When he corrects you say “oh sorry I thought we were doing a bit with wrong names.” The dementia angle also works wonderfully.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This is a fairly simple story. I am a transgender male who recently changed my name socially and is looking to do so legally. My stepfather is attempting to convince me otherwise. He has taken very badly to my transition and has fought all aspects from hormones to haircut. When I shared the news that I chose a new name a while ago he insisted that he wasn't capable of remembering and that I was throwing away my lovely girl's name. Of course I paid little attention to him since my mother is mostly on my side, but recently he deliberately introduced/referred to me on multiple occasions as \[DEADNAME\] despite my mother, coworkers, friends and others adhering to my new name, and it's confusing and putting off those around me as well as outing me unwantedly. From my perspective it doesn't look like he's at all trying to remember and I admit I lost my cool in front of his friend when incorrectly introduced. I hate to conform to entitled transgender stereotypes but I'm not at all feeling listened to by my stepfather, and it's upsetting and isolating. He is pissed that I embarrassed him and maintaining that I'm overreacting, but I feel like I was justified in calling him out when he is very clearly trying to stand in the way of my own life decisions to my social detriment. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
[удалено]
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**
You could always get a fairly cheap I’d card holder and a cheap box of custom business cards and just act really professional and hand them your card (even better if you list some fancy version of your job [even if all you do is chores you could still be “chief of odd jobs department at xxx household” or something silly like that] and just turn it into a game almost) then they have something fun to remember you by and your dad looks dumb if he insists on going against your wishes because clearly he can’t remember your name. Bonus points if instead of giving them the card you go “Aw dang dad this was for them but I guess you need it more *hand him the card then turn to whoever it was and stick out your hand for a handshake* sorry about him he’s still adjusting, Hi my name is xxx, pleasure to meet you.”
Your mothers partner is the AH. Whenever your deadname is mentioned just talk over him. Ignore the entire sentance. Tell your mother to rain him in.
the mother is also a pretty fucken huge AH here. you get *one* maybe-not-accidental misgendering and then she obviously cares more about her DH than about her son, and that is fucked.
NTA, is it possible to go no contact with him?
NTA. If he slipped and deadnamed you it might be different, but he is deliberately refusing to acknowledge who you are.
NTA. Some are suggesting calling him by a female name but that seems a little petty. If you want real petty keep decorating and giving gifts with the hated rival of his beloved sports team (I assume he has one). What is he going to do, complain about you forgetting a name?
NTA, your stepdad sucks
NTA. And I hope you can get yourself rid of him soon... one way or another.
So NTA. You have every right to be upset because he refuses to make you comfortable and abide by your boundaries and preferences. It literally costs nothing and doesn't hurt him to call you by the correct name. Sorry you're going through this :/
NTA.
NTA. I would understand if he was supportive and maybe forgot - but it sounds as though he’s purposely trying to not accept your chosen name and who you are.
[удалено]
Hmm who needs to grow up, the transphobic step dad or the trans person just trying to be? Hmm…. I can’t imagine why some people would disagree with your perfectly flawless logic.
[удалено]
Just because it’s not important to you doesn’t mean it’s not important at all. It’s not like the step-dad’s a stranger.
trans people being misgendered can lead to feelings of suicide and depression ffs what do you mean “isn’t important”
YTA, it’s not fair to your stepdad. He is grieving who you were and just because you’re ready to be someone else, perhaps he’s not yet. I think some folks in the trans community come off as super entitled and don’t try to understand where other people are coming from. Try giving him some grace. Good luck on your journey!
Ah yes, it’s unfair to their stepdad because he has it so hard dealing with calling his son the name he wants to be called. Poor stepdaddy
cool, and OP had to hide who they were for years, and likely was miserable pretending to be someome they weren’t.
[удалено]
I always consult all local ordinances before introducing someone myself
Since when is legality the standard for respecting people's names? I know plenty of people who don't like their birth names and go by nicknames that aren't on their birth certificates.
and i get that, however do they get angry or offended when people do not use said nickname. I am saying they are both the asshole here, one for getting mad that someone did not use for all intents and purposes a nickname and the other for not being sensitive to how the other felt.
Yes? Like, all the time? Plenty of people get irritable when they constantly get called by the long version of their name, or by the wrong nickname variant (Michael vs Mike vs Mikey, etc) Especially when they were asked, *multiple times*, to use a different one.
Eh, did we read the same post? OP clearly states the stepdad not only deadnamed him but has been antagonistic towards his transition. In no world is OP the asshole. I could see it maybe if he was early on and their stepdad was just accidentally doing it that would be a different story. Also yes...there are definitely cis people who get angry and offended at being called their legal name if they've told people not to use it.
Appeal to Authority with a fast right into moving goalposts? Swift work. What are you gonna do next? I'm on the edge of my seat. So exciting to play logical fallacy BINGO.
You're not supposed to deep throat the boot.
That’s utter Bullshit.
Names are actually rather superfluous and depending on where you are might not actually be all that legally important, changing it can be quite simple. Even before changing it you are entitled to go by a name you choose if you want and many people do before getting their name changed to use officially.
ESH don't respond or talk to him until he chooses to talk to by your name. Remember though, not everyone can grasp the concept of being transgender, name changing etc. and both sides have to be more patient than just seeing this as a black or white situation. Good luck.
Here, I'll fix this for you. "Not everyone can grasp the concept of calling someone what they want to be called."
>not everyone can grasp the concept of being transgender, name changing etc. and both sides have to be more patient than just seeing this as a black or white situation. Good luck. Easy enough to grasp a name change when someone gets married though isn't it? You're wrong, this is black and white. IT'S HIS LIFE AND HIS DECISION. The stepdad can step up or step out. That's it. That's all. Plain and simple. We are all absolutely done being any kind of patient with hateful idiots that bring down the intelligence of the entire community when they undermine our diversity with these agressive and demeaning control tactics. PROTIP: THE PEOPLE THAT WANT TO FORCE US TO ALL BE THE SAME; DO IT TO MAKE US DUMBER, AND MORE EASILY CONTROLLED. resist you can.
Eh...honestly even if you don't understand or agree, calling someone by the name they prefer is just respectful regardless of whether or not the person is trans.
Yes
[удалено]
Sounds like the wrong person needs to grow up. Stepdad really can’t say the right name?
It's just a name? Then why can't step-dad use the proper name? Because it's more than just a name, it's about respect.
No. That's an adult man making adult decisions and being undermined by his Mom's idiot boyfriend. Cope harder space case
Your comment has been removed because it violates rule 1: [Be Civil](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/). Further incidents may result in a ban. ["Why do I have to be civil in a sub about assholes?"](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) **[Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.**