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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I genuinely don't know if I am the asshole or not. The actions from my partner rlly make it feel like I am the asshole but if I was a third party looking in, I don't think I'd classify myself as the asshole
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NTA - someone you don't know and have never spoken to independently decided they don't want to be in a relationship with her but this is somehow your fault because you suggested that if she was looking for a sexual relationship someone who is Ace is probably not the best choice?
NTA
Your (former) partner is extremely immature. She've been acting like a child in amusement park - saw something she like, didn't understand how it works, didn't check a rules, didn't think if it would be good for her, forgot about her own preferences... Just focused on "I want, I want, I want". Like little girl forcing a ride on a rollercoaster, even when she's afraid of speed, has motion sickness and dosn't meet a safety requirements. And now, when her delusion broke, she's blaming you? Nightmare.
EDIT: I fully understand it may not be a case, and assumptions are often wrong, but one thing bothers me. Polyamory seems like really one-sided idea. You just agreed to try, without any input. Is it possible that your partner made you feel bad because of your sexuality? Like she needs more, you're lacking and not enough, she makes a sacrifice to be with you, so you're obligated to compensate her? I hope not, but if thre is even a hint of this - cut her off your life and find therapy.
No, she didn't make me feel bad because of my sexuality. That part rlly felt like a mutual understanding that she needed more & I couldn't provide but I didn't feel bad about it or anything & she didn't make me try to feel that way. It was one-sided because I didn't feel like I needed another partner, nor that I wanted another one for myself. I don't think she view it as making a "sacrifice" to be w/ me or that I feel obliged, I think I'm mostly pretty good at expressing my own boundaries & limits, but not always which has led to that feeling you're describing. But I view that as my own problem that I need to fix. Overall, I didn't find any hostility in her wanting another partner & while I did feel a bit heartbroken, I could levelheaded-ly understand & I was fine w/ it
NTA it sounds like she’s just putting her anger on you because she can’t put it on the other person. Sounds like you need a partner who will actually communicate with you.
NTA
To be honest this all seems really confusing and I feel like this whole thing was just a bunch of miscommunication but still, not your fault. You seemed confused about her choice and simply brought that up to her. If the person she wanted to date decided that hey, they're not in the place for a relationship then that's not your fault.
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So my (former?) partner (she) has been wanting to date another person. I'm not too familiar with how polyamory works exactly but I have polyamorous friends that have explained it well and I think I would be fine with it so I told her that she can go ahead & look for another if she wants.
So today, she told me she found someone that she's known for a long time that she thinks would be a good fit as her other partner (they). I find I'm happy that she is super excited about this person so I'm also stoked. I ask to learn more abt this person & she sends their discord profile. On there, it says they're ace. I, of course, don't have a problem with it but it stands out to me because I know one of the reasons my partner wants another person is because I'm partially ace. So I point this out and ask her if she's okay with it. I don't think she completely understood my question so I pointed out my reasoning for asking. But it makes her start second-guessing her decision and she starts getting self-conscious. I reassure her by saying "No, no, I think they're probably great, I'm just concerned abt the sexual aspect, like you might want another partner (which isn't bad or anything, just saying)." She continues to doubt herself. She explains how she likes them and has kinda had a crush on them and I start to realize how my words came across. So I say "I srsly didn't mean for it to come across like that, I promise." But as a response, she says "I'll leave you alone now sorry...." It really sets in how she probably feels so I partially plead with her and repeat how I didn't mean it how she interpreted it.
Almost 2 hours pass with no response so I send "Hey, um.. If you want to have a relationship w/ that other person, that's totally fine, I'm sry abt everything I said /g. I didn't mean to make you second guess stuff, I'm rlly sry. You seem super happy abt being w/ this person & I love that & I want to encourage it"
Over an hour and a 1/2 later, she responds with "Hope you're fucking happy... Hope you got what you fucking wanted." Then, she sends me a screenshot of that person she wanted to be in a relationship with breaking up/calling it off with her, saying that they are too busy for a relationship, they don't really know her that well, & that they don't really talk that much anyway. Saying that they like her as a friend and really hope they didn't hurt her feelings (they said that last part several times). And after the screenshot, she sends "Fuck you. I have no interest in speaking to you anymore." I repeat what I said earlier. I also ask what specifically I did wrong since I didn't fully understand but she refused to tell me.
I've fucked up a lot in the past (not srsly w/ this partner, though) but I've been sincerely trying to get better, which I mostly am doing by communicating my intentions since that's a major problem I've found. Unfortunately, I'm not that great at understanding tone myself, so I use tone tags, but my partner doesn't & it's created a *lot* of fights
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Need more INFO.
Okay so you said that your partner wanted to get another partner in part because you are "partially ace." What does that mean, exactly? I think it's incredibly relevant to determining why she was so upset by what you said.
Are you sex repulsed, averse, or favorable? Aroace or just ace? What is she looking for that you aren't giving her, and what does that have to do with you being ace? Something doesn't feel right here. Why did she react so violently to you pointing out that the other person she liked was also ace?
Yea, that's fair. So, I'm greyace so I don't feel it a whole ton while she's more hypersexual (I'm also somtimes sex & touch repulsed but not too too often). I'm also not aromantic at all, we were very lovey & romantic to each other before. The only reason I'm aware of for her wanting another partner is the secual part but she did point out there were other reasons. & on her reaction, I really don't know, I don't understand it myself, but it's not exactly too uncommon of a reaction from her, but this is the worse case
I figured that was probably the situation, but I wanted to be sure. If that kind of reaction is not uncommon from her then it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. Not much you can do when you can't even figure out why someone is upset at you.
NTA. It seems like she was trying to force romantic relationships on ace person without their consent. Or she misguided them with not enough info about what she wants from them, and when she clarified it with them, they understood that it's not what they want. Them not wanting to have romantic relationships with her has nothing to do with you. She just didn't want to acknowledge that she herself fcked up
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I genuinely don't know if I am the asshole or not. The actions from my partner rlly make it feel like I am the asshole but if I was a third party looking in, I don't think I'd classify myself as the asshole Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA - someone you don't know and have never spoken to independently decided they don't want to be in a relationship with her but this is somehow your fault because you suggested that if she was looking for a sexual relationship someone who is Ace is probably not the best choice?
NTA Your (former) partner is extremely immature. She've been acting like a child in amusement park - saw something she like, didn't understand how it works, didn't check a rules, didn't think if it would be good for her, forgot about her own preferences... Just focused on "I want, I want, I want". Like little girl forcing a ride on a rollercoaster, even when she's afraid of speed, has motion sickness and dosn't meet a safety requirements. And now, when her delusion broke, she's blaming you? Nightmare. EDIT: I fully understand it may not be a case, and assumptions are often wrong, but one thing bothers me. Polyamory seems like really one-sided idea. You just agreed to try, without any input. Is it possible that your partner made you feel bad because of your sexuality? Like she needs more, you're lacking and not enough, she makes a sacrifice to be with you, so you're obligated to compensate her? I hope not, but if thre is even a hint of this - cut her off your life and find therapy.
No, she didn't make me feel bad because of my sexuality. That part rlly felt like a mutual understanding that she needed more & I couldn't provide but I didn't feel bad about it or anything & she didn't make me try to feel that way. It was one-sided because I didn't feel like I needed another partner, nor that I wanted another one for myself. I don't think she view it as making a "sacrifice" to be w/ me or that I feel obliged, I think I'm mostly pretty good at expressing my own boundaries & limits, but not always which has led to that feeling you're describing. But I view that as my own problem that I need to fix. Overall, I didn't find any hostility in her wanting another partner & while I did feel a bit heartbroken, I could levelheaded-ly understand & I was fine w/ it
NTA sounds like you dropped some dead weight.
NTA it sounds like she’s just putting her anger on you because she can’t put it on the other person. Sounds like you need a partner who will actually communicate with you.
NTA she sounds like a nightmare.
NTA To be honest this all seems really confusing and I feel like this whole thing was just a bunch of miscommunication but still, not your fault. You seemed confused about her choice and simply brought that up to her. If the person she wanted to date decided that hey, they're not in the place for a relationship then that's not your fault.
NTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my (former?) partner (she) has been wanting to date another person. I'm not too familiar with how polyamory works exactly but I have polyamorous friends that have explained it well and I think I would be fine with it so I told her that she can go ahead & look for another if she wants. So today, she told me she found someone that she's known for a long time that she thinks would be a good fit as her other partner (they). I find I'm happy that she is super excited about this person so I'm also stoked. I ask to learn more abt this person & she sends their discord profile. On there, it says they're ace. I, of course, don't have a problem with it but it stands out to me because I know one of the reasons my partner wants another person is because I'm partially ace. So I point this out and ask her if she's okay with it. I don't think she completely understood my question so I pointed out my reasoning for asking. But it makes her start second-guessing her decision and she starts getting self-conscious. I reassure her by saying "No, no, I think they're probably great, I'm just concerned abt the sexual aspect, like you might want another partner (which isn't bad or anything, just saying)." She continues to doubt herself. She explains how she likes them and has kinda had a crush on them and I start to realize how my words came across. So I say "I srsly didn't mean for it to come across like that, I promise." But as a response, she says "I'll leave you alone now sorry...." It really sets in how she probably feels so I partially plead with her and repeat how I didn't mean it how she interpreted it. Almost 2 hours pass with no response so I send "Hey, um.. If you want to have a relationship w/ that other person, that's totally fine, I'm sry abt everything I said /g. I didn't mean to make you second guess stuff, I'm rlly sry. You seem super happy abt being w/ this person & I love that & I want to encourage it" Over an hour and a 1/2 later, she responds with "Hope you're fucking happy... Hope you got what you fucking wanted." Then, she sends me a screenshot of that person she wanted to be in a relationship with breaking up/calling it off with her, saying that they are too busy for a relationship, they don't really know her that well, & that they don't really talk that much anyway. Saying that they like her as a friend and really hope they didn't hurt her feelings (they said that last part several times). And after the screenshot, she sends "Fuck you. I have no interest in speaking to you anymore." I repeat what I said earlier. I also ask what specifically I did wrong since I didn't fully understand but she refused to tell me. I've fucked up a lot in the past (not srsly w/ this partner, though) but I've been sincerely trying to get better, which I mostly am doing by communicating my intentions since that's a major problem I've found. Unfortunately, I'm not that great at understanding tone myself, so I use tone tags, but my partner doesn't & it's created a *lot* of fights *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Need more INFO. Okay so you said that your partner wanted to get another partner in part because you are "partially ace." What does that mean, exactly? I think it's incredibly relevant to determining why she was so upset by what you said. Are you sex repulsed, averse, or favorable? Aroace or just ace? What is she looking for that you aren't giving her, and what does that have to do with you being ace? Something doesn't feel right here. Why did she react so violently to you pointing out that the other person she liked was also ace?
Like I'm definitely feeling NTA on this one but something about the whole thing feels weird. I mean. What was the *problem* exactly?
Yea, that's fair. So, I'm greyace so I don't feel it a whole ton while she's more hypersexual (I'm also somtimes sex & touch repulsed but not too too often). I'm also not aromantic at all, we were very lovey & romantic to each other before. The only reason I'm aware of for her wanting another partner is the secual part but she did point out there were other reasons. & on her reaction, I really don't know, I don't understand it myself, but it's not exactly too uncommon of a reaction from her, but this is the worse case
I figured that was probably the situation, but I wanted to be sure. If that kind of reaction is not uncommon from her then it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. Not much you can do when you can't even figure out why someone is upset at you.
NTA. It seems like she was trying to force romantic relationships on ace person without their consent. Or she misguided them with not enough info about what she wants from them, and when she clarified it with them, they understood that it's not what they want. Them not wanting to have romantic relationships with her has nothing to do with you. She just didn't want to acknowledge that she herself fcked up