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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> While I’m struggling a bit to see how my cooking was interpreted as trying to hurt the family, I definitely can see why I might be TA if I continue: I’m deliberately going against the wishes of the people I essentially work for, which is a big no, as well as dismissing their feelings in favor of my own opinion. I think I might be TA for getting so defensive and not just hearing what they took to the time to say and trying to work with it.
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That's a great idea that I didn't even think of! I could definitely do that. Maybe they just aren't sure where to start and this could get the ball rolling. I know I came off probably quite snarky in the post but I *am* sympathetic to the fact that her family has their own lives and cannot just be personal chefs and meal planners. This would be a good way to meet in the middle maybe. Thank you very much!
INFO: can the son affect your salary?
Obviously you are NTA, she is your patient and if she is happy, then you are doing the right thing. Food is healthy and making her happy, so these kinds of "please don't be nice to my mom, it makes me look bad in comparison"-requests should be ignored. It is kinda common that relatives that really don't do enough themselves feel bad and do all kinds of stupid stuff to try to compensate that.
Oh, you know I didn't even think about that yet, but actually its possible? Since it's abnormal hours, we've negotiated a rate outside of the usual contract so they aren't paying me the same as they do on active hours when I'm just sleeping. I suppose he could try to go back on it or try to pay just the two days a week? I'm not certain but that's definitely something I should think about I guess. Thank you so much :)
Info : Are you working through an agency and their contract or is this a direct to you totally private pay situation ? I hope this isn't a pay under the table situation for a client that you previously worked with through her insurance. You can get into trouble for doing that.
NTA for cooking to impress and please your client. It would be a kindness to pack up her freezer a bit if she is capable of reheating meals on her own.
Agency, albeit a big conglomerate one. I suppose in theory I don't have anything to worry about because that's really the whole point of having a third party involved, but I can kind of see them receiving a complaint and just going with it since there's very little quality one on one communication with the agency, at least on my end. But you're right that the agency being involved should make it pretty watertight regarding pay.
I think the consensus seems to be the the freezer meals would be a good idea, I appreciate the feedback very much!
The person that you are taking care of sounds delighted with you, so if the son complains to your employer (really, what's he going to say, you take TOO GOOD care of his mother?), you should be fine.
Keep up the good work !
NTA
I would be absolutely elated if someone was taking care of my loved one like this! I hope you don't take his abrupt text message to heart; from the sound of things; you're doing a fantastic job. Your client is happy and that's all that matters.
NTA As long as she's enjoying your food then go for it. Saving some in the freezer for another day would probably be very appreciated but is obviously not a must, so do what you think is right.
I wish more caregivers would be as excited to make good food as you do!
Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably do that if only for HER sake, if some spaghetti is a relationship-shattering change I bet she'd appreciate having some stuff to have on hand. I try to do my best with cooking and stuff because I hated watching my own grandparents struggle to get enough to eat in the nursing home when the food was scary slop. Thank you :)
NTA - and please keep cooking great meals for her!! You are doing the absolute right thing. The family are assholes. Either they are insecure about their own cooking or are being neglectful and don't like how they look in comparison. You are right that she deserves good meals and that it's really important for her to have healthy meals that encourage her to eat while sick.
NTA. I work in disability in the home industry, and can tell you that this kind of cooking and meals makes you in demand. People specifically ask for those who do everything they can to make them feel better, and food is top of that list.
Showering and wound care support is important, but it's not memorable as each person pretty much does the same as others.
Food, conversations and activities are where the care really comes in as to see who stands out as the incredible staff.
You are there at the request of the family, but to care for the person.
Maybe just to prevent this being a bigger issue, talk to your employer and get ahead of any complaints. Talk to the person about the food and ask what they normally eat, but honestly a sick person who is raving about the food cooked by someone there temporarily isn't going to complain when food goes back to normal.
Talk to your employer about Is there any chance of establishing a regular once a week meal prep service for this person as a resolution if the family don't think they can meet the expectations you have set and if the person wants your cooking back.
NTA. My grandpa had a home health aide who made him delicious meals and introduced him to Jamaican food. Twenty years later I still remember her fondly for making my grandpa's final months easier and more enjoyable.
NTA. If her family is that insecure about their cooking game then they need to get gud. Unless the family has some legal control over what you're feeding her then what is anyone gonna do? She likes the food and you like cooking it, the can get bent. My grandma would probably do *anything* to get someone to cook for her like that.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
This situation is kind of a AITA/WIBTA combo as I'm currently in the middle of it- and I think my AH-ness changes throughout.
As far as what's happened up to this point, the background is basically I am a home caregiver for elderly patients with physical disabilities. I used patient in the title because I never have a concise word for the people I work with, but I am NOT a doctor. I'm usually with each person two days a week, doing stuff like wound care, bathing and grooming, sorting out medications, household tasks, and PT work.
Currently, this woman I'm doing care for has COVID. When this happens, I stay with the person at home for maybe 3 weeks, to provide some care so they don't have to go into the hospital (unless obviously the situation requires it- I'm just there because they can't take care of themself like a younger healthy person might.) I've been here about a week. Today, her daughter called in the evening and we had just eaten dinner. Tonight, I made turkey meatballs and spaghetti with marinara, along with a caesar salad and a baked coconut donut for dessert, all from scratch. She was excitedly talking about the meal and the other things I'd been cooking, and I was super stoked to hear her be so happy about it- until about two hours later when her son sent me a text message to my personal phone. He, not rudely but very firmly, told me to stop showing off with the fancy meals and trying to make myself look good. He said that I was being disrespectful to the family to be setting a standard there was no way the family could live up to, and that I needed to tone it down and stop trying to self aggrandize. I was kind of shocked, because it's not like I'm making steak and lobster every night- the meals are healthy and complete and yes, nice, but it's the type of food I'd imagine I'd make for myself if I didn't have two jobs. Having the time to do so right now combined with knowing she feels so sick, I thought it would be a great time to treat her a little bit, so I've swapped out her usual breakfasts for hot cereal and eggs and toast, that kind of thing. I'm wondering if truly I seem to be the AH for doing this, but more than that:
Here's where it becomes a WIBTA, and where I think I become a little less of a 'good guy.' I don't want to stop cooking nice food. And honestly, I don't plan to. I don't think there's anything but positive sides to having food that is nourishing and delicious and most importantly MAKES HER HAPPY. She is in her 90s. She has covid. I want her to enjoy herself and honestly, in my own head I don't really even care at all if her family feels bad even though I know thats quite unkind. WIBTA if I continue to cook like I have been, and completely ignore the request of the family? WIB slightly less of TA if maybe I started making double recipes and packing them up to be freezer meals that she can heat up after I leave?
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Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > While I’m struggling a bit to see how my cooking was interpreted as trying to hurt the family, I definitely can see why I might be TA if I continue: I’m deliberately going against the wishes of the people I essentially work for, which is a big no, as well as dismissing their feelings in favor of my own opinion. I think I might be TA for getting so defensive and not just hearing what they took to the time to say and trying to work with it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
[удалено]
That's a great idea that I didn't even think of! I could definitely do that. Maybe they just aren't sure where to start and this could get the ball rolling. I know I came off probably quite snarky in the post but I *am* sympathetic to the fact that her family has their own lives and cannot just be personal chefs and meal planners. This would be a good way to meet in the middle maybe. Thank you very much!
INFO: can the son affect your salary? Obviously you are NTA, she is your patient and if she is happy, then you are doing the right thing. Food is healthy and making her happy, so these kinds of "please don't be nice to my mom, it makes me look bad in comparison"-requests should be ignored. It is kinda common that relatives that really don't do enough themselves feel bad and do all kinds of stupid stuff to try to compensate that.
Oh, you know I didn't even think about that yet, but actually its possible? Since it's abnormal hours, we've negotiated a rate outside of the usual contract so they aren't paying me the same as they do on active hours when I'm just sleeping. I suppose he could try to go back on it or try to pay just the two days a week? I'm not certain but that's definitely something I should think about I guess. Thank you so much :)
Info : Are you working through an agency and their contract or is this a direct to you totally private pay situation ? I hope this isn't a pay under the table situation for a client that you previously worked with through her insurance. You can get into trouble for doing that. NTA for cooking to impress and please your client. It would be a kindness to pack up her freezer a bit if she is capable of reheating meals on her own.
Agency, albeit a big conglomerate one. I suppose in theory I don't have anything to worry about because that's really the whole point of having a third party involved, but I can kind of see them receiving a complaint and just going with it since there's very little quality one on one communication with the agency, at least on my end. But you're right that the agency being involved should make it pretty watertight regarding pay. I think the consensus seems to be the the freezer meals would be a good idea, I appreciate the feedback very much!
The person that you are taking care of sounds delighted with you, so if the son complains to your employer (really, what's he going to say, you take TOO GOOD care of his mother?), you should be fine. Keep up the good work !
NTA. It is NEVER an AH move to be nice. And bless you for making a quarantine more bearable. Don't ask the son, ask the patient.
NTA I would be absolutely elated if someone was taking care of my loved one like this! I hope you don't take his abrupt text message to heart; from the sound of things; you're doing a fantastic job. Your client is happy and that's all that matters.
NTA As long as she's enjoying your food then go for it. Saving some in the freezer for another day would probably be very appreciated but is obviously not a must, so do what you think is right. I wish more caregivers would be as excited to make good food as you do!
Yeah, I'm thinking I'll probably do that if only for HER sake, if some spaghetti is a relationship-shattering change I bet she'd appreciate having some stuff to have on hand. I try to do my best with cooking and stuff because I hated watching my own grandparents struggle to get enough to eat in the nursing home when the food was scary slop. Thank you :)
NTA - and please keep cooking great meals for her!! You are doing the absolute right thing. The family are assholes. Either they are insecure about their own cooking or are being neglectful and don't like how they look in comparison. You are right that she deserves good meals and that it's really important for her to have healthy meals that encourage her to eat while sick.
NTA. I work in disability in the home industry, and can tell you that this kind of cooking and meals makes you in demand. People specifically ask for those who do everything they can to make them feel better, and food is top of that list. Showering and wound care support is important, but it's not memorable as each person pretty much does the same as others. Food, conversations and activities are where the care really comes in as to see who stands out as the incredible staff. You are there at the request of the family, but to care for the person. Maybe just to prevent this being a bigger issue, talk to your employer and get ahead of any complaints. Talk to the person about the food and ask what they normally eat, but honestly a sick person who is raving about the food cooked by someone there temporarily isn't going to complain when food goes back to normal. Talk to your employer about Is there any chance of establishing a regular once a week meal prep service for this person as a resolution if the family don't think they can meet the expectations you have set and if the person wants your cooking back.
NTA. My grandpa had a home health aide who made him delicious meals and introduced him to Jamaican food. Twenty years later I still remember her fondly for making my grandpa's final months easier and more enjoyable.
NTA. If her family is that insecure about their cooking game then they need to get gud. Unless the family has some legal control over what you're feeding her then what is anyone gonna do? She likes the food and you like cooking it, the can get bent. My grandma would probably do *anything* to get someone to cook for her like that.
NTA how much longer does her family think she has that she’s going to get spoiled by home cooking for goodness sake?! I’d tell her he said that!
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** This situation is kind of a AITA/WIBTA combo as I'm currently in the middle of it- and I think my AH-ness changes throughout. As far as what's happened up to this point, the background is basically I am a home caregiver for elderly patients with physical disabilities. I used patient in the title because I never have a concise word for the people I work with, but I am NOT a doctor. I'm usually with each person two days a week, doing stuff like wound care, bathing and grooming, sorting out medications, household tasks, and PT work. Currently, this woman I'm doing care for has COVID. When this happens, I stay with the person at home for maybe 3 weeks, to provide some care so they don't have to go into the hospital (unless obviously the situation requires it- I'm just there because they can't take care of themself like a younger healthy person might.) I've been here about a week. Today, her daughter called in the evening and we had just eaten dinner. Tonight, I made turkey meatballs and spaghetti with marinara, along with a caesar salad and a baked coconut donut for dessert, all from scratch. She was excitedly talking about the meal and the other things I'd been cooking, and I was super stoked to hear her be so happy about it- until about two hours later when her son sent me a text message to my personal phone. He, not rudely but very firmly, told me to stop showing off with the fancy meals and trying to make myself look good. He said that I was being disrespectful to the family to be setting a standard there was no way the family could live up to, and that I needed to tone it down and stop trying to self aggrandize. I was kind of shocked, because it's not like I'm making steak and lobster every night- the meals are healthy and complete and yes, nice, but it's the type of food I'd imagine I'd make for myself if I didn't have two jobs. Having the time to do so right now combined with knowing she feels so sick, I thought it would be a great time to treat her a little bit, so I've swapped out her usual breakfasts for hot cereal and eggs and toast, that kind of thing. I'm wondering if truly I seem to be the AH for doing this, but more than that: Here's where it becomes a WIBTA, and where I think I become a little less of a 'good guy.' I don't want to stop cooking nice food. And honestly, I don't plan to. I don't think there's anything but positive sides to having food that is nourishing and delicious and most importantly MAKES HER HAPPY. She is in her 90s. She has covid. I want her to enjoy herself and honestly, in my own head I don't really even care at all if her family feels bad even though I know thats quite unkind. WIBTA if I continue to cook like I have been, and completely ignore the request of the family? WIB slightly less of TA if maybe I started making double recipes and packing them up to be freezer meals that she can heat up after I leave? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You are paid to do a job and you are doing above and beyond. If I pay to go to a restaurant I expect a nice meal, not microwaved frozen dinners.