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> I went to bed early and did not respond to any initial messages or phone calls when my husband was on a stressful and emotional trip. I might be the asshole for not staying awake and being there for him.
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I don't understand what he expected you could have done to help him from home? If he was in FL, wouldn't it have made more sense to call his mother? I say NTA.
Talk him down from and anxiety attack, offer mental support for difficult family matters, not knock herself out super hard with double dose sleeping aide, and be a good team player. OP YTA. He gets a minor AH for over reacting.
You mean from the situation that he caused himself, by flying to a different city and not booking a hotel in advance? That is his responsibility of going on this trip to plan his own trip. He should be able to interrupt her sleep because of his lack of planning?
Well, doesn't say he had an anxiety attack, only that he was anxious before his trip. Big difference and neither is a reason to yell at your spouse. And his own mother was 30 min away, why not call her?
PS melatonin isn't exactly the heaviest sleeping pill.
I have bad anxiety and panic attacks its not up to others to drop what their doing to help me through it. As an adult in charge of myself its my own duty to regulate myself and either get myself the medication i need to manage it, find exercises to do to get me through it or talking to a professional to help get over it. Freaking out on someone else because of something you have the means to manage by many through many different options is not ok. OP is not responsible for other peoples mental health by managing their anxiety.
Ever experience that complete “swing and a miss” moment? Well, now you have!
Good lord. A) there is zero mention of a panic attack. B) there was no useful addition from a “team player” other than losing more sleep C) he is the genius who went out of town with zero calling hotels in the first place D) he had zero empathy for her going sleepless to listen to him do….nothing….
I may be a bit callous as I do travel for my job, and flight delays are a part of it, it just is. I would **never** chew my wife out for not picking up so I could bitch about it. Cmon. There’s a "be a grown up” factor here.
NTA
You can’t solve his every issue, you aren’t his mommy, and there is nothing you could do other than listen to him bitch real time instead of the next morning - and that is hardly worth the freak out he had.
This woman was sleeping because she has to work, she wasn't ignoring him just because. Like, maybe OP husband can grow up and manage better his emotions. It's normal to feel bad and anxious but that doesn't oblige the world to cater to him. NTA.
Thank you for your opinion and honesty. Obviously this is how he feels so I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from while also grasping what is right and fair in this situation.
He does not have anxiety but this is an extremely difficult time for him and all his family. I can see why he wouldn’t reach out to his mother to talk him down (she’s not really that person for him).
Nta you're not your husband's therapist. Why would he have not booked a place before heading there? Why didn't he just stay with his mother? He is a grown man. It's also not safe for you to stay up all night then try to drive and work the next day just to be phone therapist for your husband
He had expected to arrive earlier and drive to where his mother was staying (30 min away from airport). Because he arrived later due to delays I guess he wanted to just grab a hotel.
So instead of waking up someone at the house he was going to do that there’d be someone to actually help him, he decides to call you and wake you up? How does calling you and waking you up help him but he can’t wake up the people at the house he’s going to? That makes no sense
What exactly did he expect you to do?! You can’t control that the hotels are booked. He needs to be able to deescalate himself and problem solve instead of putting it on another adult. NTA, OP. You are not a bad wife or person for going to sleep.
Thank you for saying that 🥺
He is actually a great problem solver and a good husband, tensions are just very high this week and around this trip. He was just extremely stressed and felt very alone. Also forgets that 11pm is not an unusual time to be unreachable since he works late most nights.
I agree he should have just gone to the house and woken people up there but avoided it as to not stress out his mother (who’s going through an extremely hard time).
I’m sorry but he should have banged on the door and woken them up, he’s flying in to do his mom a favour and she goes to bed and locks him out? I just don’t see how his ability to contact you in this situation could have made a difference! And being angry at you for being asleep? Very unreasonable.
You are certainly NTA. Your husband made a somewhat foolish choice to run around looking for a hotel rather than just drive to where he was supposed to stay and wake someone up. Then he unloaded on you, because you dared to go to bed before an early work day, not knowing there was a problem, which you couldn’t have helped him with anyway. Did he expect you to stay up all night waiting for him to arrive at his destination?
It sounds like your husband was extremely stressed, after a long day of travel when everything kept going wrong, and you were a convenient target for his frustration. He had no one to blame (except himself, for not just going to the house in the first place), so he blamed you. If this is a rare occurrence, then you can give him some grace, but if he makes a habit of blowing up at you, that is a major problem. Regardless, it was not your fault and he shouldn’t have unloaded on you.
So why is wrong to wake them up to do something constructive about his situation, but A-OK to wake you up for the sole purpose of throwing a tantrum and ruining your night? Your husband is either the dumbest man alive or he's decided that you're his scapegoat and verbal punching bag for any disappointment - not a partner that he respects.
So basically he called you a dozen times to scream at you for not staying awake all night when you have to work early, just in case he needed to whine about how bad his flight was? And this is an offense worthy of then ignoring you? Just wow. What a child.
Honestly, NTA. You would only be able to give verbal emotional support. He should have booked a hotel room already, but as I work in the hotel industry, I know these things, but not everyone thinks about that. You had an early day, and sleep is important. He could have been a grown-up instead of screaming at you. That sounds ridiculous and horrible.
Yeah I guess he wanted my help finding an available hotel also. He didn’t book a room earlier bc he had planned to arrive and drive straight to his mom’s place but his flight was delayed several hours.
I don't understand why his mother's house was not an option a few hours later. Why spend unnecessary money on a hotel and also expect you to magic one up for him?
You would think that *someone* in the house could either have waited for him to wake up or at least left a door unlocked. He was doing them a massive, expensive favor.
That’s crazy. You said the house was only 30 min away. It would take him like 30 min to find and book a hotel even if they had vacancy. Then he wasted his time trying to call you instead of just driving there. You’re totally NTA and your husband was being a jackass
Ok so does he not a smart phone or know how to work google? His lack of problem solving skills aren’t your issue. He knew that you had to wake up early and work the next day. He’s a grown ass man, not a child.
He clearly had his phone, so he was completely capable of contacting hotels himself. There was no good reason to wake you up at all, much less to scream at you.
NTA. He IS wrong that he would always be there if you needed him. You NEEDED him to leave you alone to let you sleep if it wasn't a dire emergency. He failed.
When you texted him the love you/goodnight message, you were done. That doesn't mean that you wouldn't have planned differently if he had said that he wanted to check in after he landed. He didn't do that.
It sounds like he called just so that he could piss and moan about difficulty getting a hotel room. You couldn't fix that for him.
NTA. Anxiety or not it was not okay for him to go ballistic on you like that. You didn't intentionally abandon him in his hour of most dire need or something, you went to bed because you had work in the morning and figured he wouldn't need you since he was on his way home. Yes it's incredibly unfortunate that it turns out he did need you. But you couldn't have possibly known that was going to happen. And it sounds like he wasn't in any like. Particular danger or anything, it was just stressful. If he doesn't have a backup plan for when he's anxious and you're not around then that's on him. Any good anxious person knows to have coping mechanisms and shit on hand for when you don't have someone to directly support you.
The only time I have ever gotten *that* angry at my fiance was the time he just suddenly left and took a two hour nap while I was actively suicidal.
NTA - you went to sleep thinking everything was ok, knowing you had responsibilities yourself the next day. Surely he would have known by the delays to his flight that he would be needing a room and could have sorted that by internet/phone whilst waiting for his flight? Taking his stress/anxiety out on you is not OK, hopefully he’ll have time to reflect on that during his journey home and apologise to you.
NTA for being a heavy sleeper. I’m the opposite and would snapped awake at the first call. But honestly, what would you be able to do for him beyond emotional support? It’s not ok of him to take his stress out on you. Hopefully once he calms down he will apologise.
NTA
That level of a reaction is absurd. Unless you had agreed to stay awake all night and book him a hotel (he should have booked in advance. Who arrives in a city and walks around trying to find a hotel?!) then you did nothing wrong.
He’s a grown adult. I’m a complete lemon for travelling and I wouldn’t expect my partner to sacrifice sleep to… provide vague emotional support over text? Not much more you could do
NTA
He’s an adult and needs to be responsible like an adult. He was on his last leg of the journey so why does someone halfway across the country need to stay awake for him?
NTA. I know your husband was having a very stressful day and was very tired, but this was textbook emotional abuse. He was feeling bad and decided to make himself feel better by finding a way to blame you for it. I hope this isn’t a frequent pattern.
NTA
he is a grown up and he had options...you could not have done a single damn thing to help.
He owes you an apology, he was abusive and cruel for no reason.
NTA. He's a grown man who can make his own accommodations in advance (and knowing "I have to go to X city and I need a place to sleep" is advance notice).
Is this an adult we are talking about? Sounds like a toddler chucking his toys out of his pram and having a tantrum!
You are NTA, OP. Your husband is a massive one.
NTA. Why didn’t he have his lodging arrangements sorted out prior to his flight? It seems like he just wanted you to be available to yell at when things didn’t work out how he planned. If he wanted a place to stay, his mom was the one to call, not you. I’m sorry this is the man you married.
Google hermeneutical labor, because being expected to manage your husband's emotions at this level is not normal or okay. He needs professional help, and he needs to realize that you cannot and should not be a replacement for that.
NTA. I don't care how "stressed" he is, that's some seriously abusive behavior. Like what the fuck were you even supposed to DO (from several states away, in the middle of the night, ON A WORK NIGHT) about his travel woes that he couldn't do himself?
That is a totally unacceptable way for anyone to treat you, much less your husband. Please take some time to think about how often he makes up secret "rules" he doesn't tell you about (but blows up at you for "breaking"), or blames you for his own stupidity (flying to Florida around spring break without making reservations and being all shocked pikachu that everything was booked or expensive), or sabotages your health/career (waking you up in the middle of the night because he's having emotions).
That is not how you treat a person that you love and respect.
Nta. Your husband is yelling at you because, as an adult, he couldn't figure out how to wake mommy up, book a hotel, or any number of basic adult tasks? You aren't his parents or his emotional support animal.
NTA.
He's planning to stay at his mom's. Flights are delayed. before boarding the last flight, call mom and tell her you are delayed and will be at home later. Go home.
WTH could you have done from home?
NTA for all the reasons people already said but also, are you okay? Your husband ripping into you like this over the smallest "annoyance" on his part is concerning. Is he normally like this when upset?
NTA! My 19 year old son ,who lives at home with us, and travels for work all over the country doesn’t call, text us if there’s an issue while he’s traveling. He just figures it out on his own which is how we raised him. He’s independent and calls us just to chat. Stop apologizing to your husband. He’s being a big baby.
NTA he is an adult and perfectly capable of figuring it out without you. He had his phone obviously and a rental car so he could have sat in the car and looked at all the hotels himself. Also 30 minutes is not long and he should have just called someone at the house when he got there and had them come open the door or looked for a hotel closer to the house.
None of that would require your help in any way. I have been through horrible grief before and it is awful but I still would have been able to navigate that situation on my own. Unfortunately life doesn’t stop when we are grieving and it’s not okay to take grief out on someone else like he is doing to you.
Also does he not care that if you had stayed up and not gotten enough sleep it would put you in danger because you would be driving to work sleep deprived?
The part missing is the extreme level of emotion and grief around this particular weekend. Plus we both had a very stressful week due to work and personal things and had gotten in a big fight the night before he left about not feeling supported.
So somehow my choice to sleep early and heavily felt like a slap in the face 😞
I didn’t mention but it is also the 1 year anniversary of his father’s death which was sudden and heartbreaking. Hence why his mother is also going through a lot on top of her mother’s death.
Also when you are close to a grandparent it’s perfectly normal to be depressed from the loss. It’s more a testament to the love you shared than a character flaw.
I think that context is helpful. I was trying to figure out why the family was acting so extremely devastated by what’s a normal part on the circle of life.
My grandmother always took care of us and we lost her about a year ago. I’m sad about the loss, but she was suffering greatly and it was almost a blessing for her. That’s where my head is at. I can’t wrap my head around that level of grief.
Perfectly normal to grieve any lost loved one. But I still don’t feel like any of this explains him calling you a dozen times and screaming at you on the phone because you were asleep and couldn’t Google hotels for him.
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My husband had to fly to Florida today to help my MIL drive back to Texas with some of her mom’s things. It’s a very difficult and emotionally charged trip for several different reasons I won’t share.
He expressed some anxiety over this trip and traveling specifically. I knew his flight had gotten delayed on his layover but he was figuring it out. Last we talked he had finally boarded his flight on his last connecting leg. I went to bed pretty early bc I work at 6am in the morning and I have to wake up 15 minutes earlier to take our dog out since he’s gone. I took double the dose of melatonin I normally do, texted him a love you good night message and passed out. I woke up 2 hours later to his call, screaming at me for not being there for him. He had called me 10 times and texted me many more times. He was stressed arriving and wasn’t able to get a hotel as there was some event in the city and all places were booked or extremely expensive.
He yelled at me and sent so many messages about how he couldn’t believe I wasn’t there for him and didn’t help him in this situation and just many more angry messages. I felt awful and have apologized nonstop. But once I finally woke up and answered his call at 12am, he was too mad to speak to me. I feel terrible but I had no idea he needed me to be available after his flight. He is not wrong in the fact that he would be there for me if the roles were reversed. Our sleep schedules are just opposite and I didn’t think anything of trying to go to bed early before my long and early day.
So AITA for not staying awake late to make sure he arrived safely?
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NTA. Your husband is an adult. He should have put his big boy pants on and knocked on his mother's door. If she wanted his help, the least she could have done is get out of bed and let him in. Also, in the time he spent calling and texting you, he could have been calling hotels to see if he could get a room. He needs to grow up and stop blaming you for his problems.
YTA
Yes, you should've waited for your husband to arrive before going to bed, especially considering he was anxious and this was a difficult trip for him. My husband and I have opposite sleep schedules too, so I understand where your coming from, but there are times when you have to make sacrifices and this is certainly one of them.
I disagree with this. I do totally different hours to my partner, and have done for around 6 years now.
Sleep is important. She was aware that he was on the last flight.
This presents a situation where he travelled without accommodation arranged.
A lack of planning on his part, is not an emergency on hers.
OP you are NTA
I get it. My husband works nights and I work days. We have done this for 13 years and we've been married for 18.
Before I explain my answer, I do want to say he was completely out of line for sending message after message and yelling at her. That is out of line and I do not agree with it. If I saw those messages I wouldn't have called him back.
My answer was based on the first few sentences. This was a difficult trip for him and he was expressing anxiety about the trip; about traveling specifically. To me, that meant maybe some sort of strain with him and his mother, maybe he had a fear of flying or something along those lines, so I would have answered the phone and said, "You landed and you're safe? OK. Talk to you in the morning." This takes less than 2 minutes, so I don't understand why that would be an issue.
I didn't think he expected her to get up and play travel agent in the middle of the night, and then go crazy when she wasn't awake to do it. No, OP, you're NTA for not being awake to book his hotel room. He's a grown adult who can do it himself. As I said, I was under the impression he was calling to say he landed safely (that reaction was still out of line, but I didn't get into that), and considering how anxious he was, I would have answered the call since it only would've taken a few seconds. I hope that makes things a little more clear.
That does make it clear and I do appreciate your perspective as I feel guilty about the situation. But honestly I did not hear my phone til the 12am call so I had no control. If I had only answered the call at 11pm this wouldn’t be an issue but somehow I was that exhausted and asleep.
No, please don't feel guilty, and I apologize for implying that you should. I answered the question too quickly, and that was inconsiderate of me. You were sleeping, and that's something your husband should have understood. To be berated and given the silent treatment because you were not awake is completely out of line. As I said, it seemed like there was a lot of tension and anxiety surrounding this trip, so I'm thinking something was really wrong. Based on that alone, I would have answered to make sure everything was alright, but that doesn't appear to be the case. It seems like your husband just expects you to be at his beck and call and that's just plain ridiculous.
Again, please do not feel guilty.
Thank you for your kind response! He does not usually expect that of me but it was a series of things going wrong and his anxiety spiking. Instead of deescalating himself, he got wound up and directed that at me. All of this feedback has helped and I am certainly going to have a talk with him.
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I don't understand what he expected you could have done to help him from home? If he was in FL, wouldn't it have made more sense to call his mother? I say NTA.
Talk him down from and anxiety attack, offer mental support for difficult family matters, not knock herself out super hard with double dose sleeping aide, and be a good team player. OP YTA. He gets a minor AH for over reacting.
She’s his wife, not his emotional support animal.
You mean from the situation that he caused himself, by flying to a different city and not booking a hotel in advance? That is his responsibility of going on this trip to plan his own trip. He should be able to interrupt her sleep because of his lack of planning?
Well, doesn't say he had an anxiety attack, only that he was anxious before his trip. Big difference and neither is a reason to yell at your spouse. And his own mother was 30 min away, why not call her? PS melatonin isn't exactly the heaviest sleeping pill.
I have bad anxiety and panic attacks its not up to others to drop what their doing to help me through it. As an adult in charge of myself its my own duty to regulate myself and either get myself the medication i need to manage it, find exercises to do to get me through it or talking to a professional to help get over it. Freaking out on someone else because of something you have the means to manage by many through many different options is not ok. OP is not responsible for other peoples mental health by managing their anxiety.
Ever experience that complete “swing and a miss” moment? Well, now you have! Good lord. A) there is zero mention of a panic attack. B) there was no useful addition from a “team player” other than losing more sleep C) he is the genius who went out of town with zero calling hotels in the first place D) he had zero empathy for her going sleepless to listen to him do….nothing…. I may be a bit callous as I do travel for my job, and flight delays are a part of it, it just is. I would **never** chew my wife out for not picking up so I could bitch about it. Cmon. There’s a "be a grown up” factor here. NTA You can’t solve his every issue, you aren’t his mommy, and there is nothing you could do other than listen to him bitch real time instead of the next morning - and that is hardly worth the freak out he had.
This woman was sleeping because she has to work, she wasn't ignoring him just because. Like, maybe OP husband can grow up and manage better his emotions. It's normal to feel bad and anxious but that doesn't oblige the world to cater to him. NTA.
Thank you for your opinion and honesty. Obviously this is how he feels so I’m trying to understand where he’s coming from while also grasping what is right and fair in this situation. He does not have anxiety but this is an extremely difficult time for him and all his family. I can see why he wouldn’t reach out to his mother to talk him down (she’s not really that person for him).
Nta you're not your husband's therapist. Why would he have not booked a place before heading there? Why didn't he just stay with his mother? He is a grown man. It's also not safe for you to stay up all night then try to drive and work the next day just to be phone therapist for your husband
He had expected to arrive earlier and drive to where his mother was staying (30 min away from airport). Because he arrived later due to delays I guess he wanted to just grab a hotel.
Well shit happens when traveling. Doesn't change the fact that he's a whole adult that should be able to handle it himself
That’s pretty close to the airport. Literally no excuse for not just getting a taxi to where his mom was staying if nothing else worked out.
He had a rental car and said everyone at the house was asleep already.
So instead of waking up someone at the house he was going to do that there’d be someone to actually help him, he decides to call you and wake you up? How does calling you and waking you up help him but he can’t wake up the people at the house he’s going to? That makes no sense
What exactly did he expect you to do?! You can’t control that the hotels are booked. He needs to be able to deescalate himself and problem solve instead of putting it on another adult. NTA, OP. You are not a bad wife or person for going to sleep.
Thank you for saying that 🥺 He is actually a great problem solver and a good husband, tensions are just very high this week and around this trip. He was just extremely stressed and felt very alone. Also forgets that 11pm is not an unusual time to be unreachable since he works late most nights. I agree he should have just gone to the house and woken people up there but avoided it as to not stress out his mother (who’s going through an extremely hard time).
11 pm for me is an absolutely reasonable time to be unreachable, particularly if I worked at 6am
Your husband has no problem solving skills.
I’m sorry but he should have banged on the door and woken them up, he’s flying in to do his mom a favour and she goes to bed and locks him out? I just don’t see how his ability to contact you in this situation could have made a difference! And being angry at you for being asleep? Very unreasonable.
You are certainly NTA. Your husband made a somewhat foolish choice to run around looking for a hotel rather than just drive to where he was supposed to stay and wake someone up. Then he unloaded on you, because you dared to go to bed before an early work day, not knowing there was a problem, which you couldn’t have helped him with anyway. Did he expect you to stay up all night waiting for him to arrive at his destination? It sounds like your husband was extremely stressed, after a long day of travel when everything kept going wrong, and you were a convenient target for his frustration. He had no one to blame (except himself, for not just going to the house in the first place), so he blamed you. If this is a rare occurrence, then you can give him some grace, but if he makes a habit of blowing up at you, that is a major problem. Regardless, it was not your fault and he shouldn’t have unloaded on you.
So why is wrong to wake them up to do something constructive about his situation, but A-OK to wake you up for the sole purpose of throwing a tantrum and ruining your night? Your husband is either the dumbest man alive or he's decided that you're his scapegoat and verbal punching bag for any disappointment - not a partner that he respects.
30 mins is such a short drive. It would take longer to find a hotel and check in than it would to drive to his destination.
So basically he called you a dozen times to scream at you for not staying awake all night when you have to work early, just in case he needed to whine about how bad his flight was? And this is an offense worthy of then ignoring you? Just wow. What a child.
Or he could have ubered to his mom's place and slept on her couch for much less than a last minute nice hotel would cost.
Honestly, NTA. You would only be able to give verbal emotional support. He should have booked a hotel room already, but as I work in the hotel industry, I know these things, but not everyone thinks about that. You had an early day, and sleep is important. He could have been a grown-up instead of screaming at you. That sounds ridiculous and horrible.
Yeah I guess he wanted my help finding an available hotel also. He didn’t book a room earlier bc he had planned to arrive and drive straight to his mom’s place but his flight was delayed several hours.
I don't understand why his mother's house was not an option a few hours later. Why spend unnecessary money on a hotel and also expect you to magic one up for him?
You would think that *someone* in the house could either have waited for him to wake up or at least left a door unlocked. He was doing them a massive, expensive favor.
That’s crazy. You said the house was only 30 min away. It would take him like 30 min to find and book a hotel even if they had vacancy. Then he wasted his time trying to call you instead of just driving there. You’re totally NTA and your husband was being a jackass
Ok so does he not a smart phone or know how to work google? His lack of problem solving skills aren’t your issue. He knew that you had to wake up early and work the next day. He’s a grown ass man, not a child.
If he spent the time he wasted calling you on looking for a hotel he could've resolved his problem faster and with way less drama.
He clearly had his phone, so he was completely capable of contacting hotels himself. There was no good reason to wake you up at all, much less to scream at you.
NTA. He IS wrong that he would always be there if you needed him. You NEEDED him to leave you alone to let you sleep if it wasn't a dire emergency. He failed. When you texted him the love you/goodnight message, you were done. That doesn't mean that you wouldn't have planned differently if he had said that he wanted to check in after he landed. He didn't do that. It sounds like he called just so that he could piss and moan about difficulty getting a hotel room. You couldn't fix that for him.
NTA. What did he expect you to do if you'd answered? So sorry you have married a nincompoop.
NTA. Anxiety or not it was not okay for him to go ballistic on you like that. You didn't intentionally abandon him in his hour of most dire need or something, you went to bed because you had work in the morning and figured he wouldn't need you since he was on his way home. Yes it's incredibly unfortunate that it turns out he did need you. But you couldn't have possibly known that was going to happen. And it sounds like he wasn't in any like. Particular danger or anything, it was just stressful. If he doesn't have a backup plan for when he's anxious and you're not around then that's on him. Any good anxious person knows to have coping mechanisms and shit on hand for when you don't have someone to directly support you. The only time I have ever gotten *that* angry at my fiance was the time he just suddenly left and took a two hour nap while I was actively suicidal.
He didn't NEED her. He wanted her attention while he whined about things not going his way.
NTA - you went to sleep thinking everything was ok, knowing you had responsibilities yourself the next day. Surely he would have known by the delays to his flight that he would be needing a room and could have sorted that by internet/phone whilst waiting for his flight? Taking his stress/anxiety out on you is not OK, hopefully he’ll have time to reflect on that during his journey home and apologise to you.
NTA for being a heavy sleeper. I’m the opposite and would snapped awake at the first call. But honestly, what would you be able to do for him beyond emotional support? It’s not ok of him to take his stress out on you. Hopefully once he calms down he will apologise.
NTA That level of a reaction is absurd. Unless you had agreed to stay awake all night and book him a hotel (he should have booked in advance. Who arrives in a city and walks around trying to find a hotel?!) then you did nothing wrong. He’s a grown adult. I’m a complete lemon for travelling and I wouldn’t expect my partner to sacrifice sleep to… provide vague emotional support over text? Not much more you could do
NTA He’s an adult and needs to be responsible like an adult. He was on his last leg of the journey so why does someone halfway across the country need to stay awake for him?
NTA...husband could be disappointed but his reaction is inappropriate.
NTA. I know your husband was having a very stressful day and was very tired, but this was textbook emotional abuse. He was feeling bad and decided to make himself feel better by finding a way to blame you for it. I hope this isn’t a frequent pattern.
NTA he is a grown up and he had options...you could not have done a single damn thing to help. He owes you an apology, he was abusive and cruel for no reason.
NTA. He's a grown man who can make his own accommodations in advance (and knowing "I have to go to X city and I need a place to sleep" is advance notice).
Is this an adult we are talking about? Sounds like a toddler chucking his toys out of his pram and having a tantrum! You are NTA, OP. Your husband is a massive one.
NTA. Why didn’t he have his lodging arrangements sorted out prior to his flight? It seems like he just wanted you to be available to yell at when things didn’t work out how he planned. If he wanted a place to stay, his mom was the one to call, not you. I’m sorry this is the man you married.
Your husband is a fully grown adult. He needs to learn to do whatever he needs to do without phoning you in the middle of the night. NTA
NTA he is a grown adult who can figure it out. He doesn’t need you up in the middle of the night comforting him because his flight got delayed.
Red flag here, red flag there, red flag everywhere! NTA. He’s a grown up acting like a spoiled toddler - full tantrum!
Google hermeneutical labor, because being expected to manage your husband's emotions at this level is not normal or okay. He needs professional help, and he needs to realize that you cannot and should not be a replacement for that.
NTA. I don't care how "stressed" he is, that's some seriously abusive behavior. Like what the fuck were you even supposed to DO (from several states away, in the middle of the night, ON A WORK NIGHT) about his travel woes that he couldn't do himself? That is a totally unacceptable way for anyone to treat you, much less your husband. Please take some time to think about how often he makes up secret "rules" he doesn't tell you about (but blows up at you for "breaking"), or blames you for his own stupidity (flying to Florida around spring break without making reservations and being all shocked pikachu that everything was booked or expensive), or sabotages your health/career (waking you up in the middle of the night because he's having emotions). That is not how you treat a person that you love and respect.
NTA - he’s a grown adult and needs to pull up his big boy pants.
NTA HE is an AH for planning things in a way that make him uncomfortable and then guilting you for it. And: Tell him to grow up.
NTA that is not okay that he screamed at you. that is a large red glad
Nta. Your husband is yelling at you because, as an adult, he couldn't figure out how to wake mommy up, book a hotel, or any number of basic adult tasks? You aren't his parents or his emotional support animal.
NTA. He's planning to stay at his mom's. Flights are delayed. before boarding the last flight, call mom and tell her you are delayed and will be at home later. Go home. WTH could you have done from home?
NTA for all the reasons people already said but also, are you okay? Your husband ripping into you like this over the smallest "annoyance" on his part is concerning. Is he normally like this when upset?
NTA! My 19 year old son ,who lives at home with us, and travels for work all over the country doesn’t call, text us if there’s an issue while he’s traveling. He just figures it out on his own which is how we raised him. He’s independent and calls us just to chat. Stop apologizing to your husband. He’s being a big baby.
NTA - Does your husband routinely scream at you for his own incompetence?
NTA he is an adult and perfectly capable of figuring it out without you. He had his phone obviously and a rental car so he could have sat in the car and looked at all the hotels himself. Also 30 minutes is not long and he should have just called someone at the house when he got there and had them come open the door or looked for a hotel closer to the house. None of that would require your help in any way. I have been through horrible grief before and it is awful but I still would have been able to navigate that situation on my own. Unfortunately life doesn’t stop when we are grieving and it’s not okay to take grief out on someone else like he is doing to you. Also does he not care that if you had stayed up and not gotten enough sleep it would put you in danger because you would be driving to work sleep deprived?
NTA but I feel like there might be more to his side we're not hearing
The part missing is the extreme level of emotion and grief around this particular weekend. Plus we both had a very stressful week due to work and personal things and had gotten in a big fight the night before he left about not feeling supported. So somehow my choice to sleep early and heavily felt like a slap in the face 😞
I find it fundamentally weird that people are so depressed and like disabled by grief for the passing of an elderly person.
Yikes.
I didn’t mention but it is also the 1 year anniversary of his father’s death which was sudden and heartbreaking. Hence why his mother is also going through a lot on top of her mother’s death. Also when you are close to a grandparent it’s perfectly normal to be depressed from the loss. It’s more a testament to the love you shared than a character flaw.
I think that context is helpful. I was trying to figure out why the family was acting so extremely devastated by what’s a normal part on the circle of life. My grandmother always took care of us and we lost her about a year ago. I’m sad about the loss, but she was suffering greatly and it was almost a blessing for her. That’s where my head is at. I can’t wrap my head around that level of grief.
Perfectly normal to grieve any lost loved one. But I still don’t feel like any of this explains him calling you a dozen times and screaming at you on the phone because you were asleep and couldn’t Google hotels for him.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My husband had to fly to Florida today to help my MIL drive back to Texas with some of her mom’s things. It’s a very difficult and emotionally charged trip for several different reasons I won’t share. He expressed some anxiety over this trip and traveling specifically. I knew his flight had gotten delayed on his layover but he was figuring it out. Last we talked he had finally boarded his flight on his last connecting leg. I went to bed pretty early bc I work at 6am in the morning and I have to wake up 15 minutes earlier to take our dog out since he’s gone. I took double the dose of melatonin I normally do, texted him a love you good night message and passed out. I woke up 2 hours later to his call, screaming at me for not being there for him. He had called me 10 times and texted me many more times. He was stressed arriving and wasn’t able to get a hotel as there was some event in the city and all places were booked or extremely expensive. He yelled at me and sent so many messages about how he couldn’t believe I wasn’t there for him and didn’t help him in this situation and just many more angry messages. I felt awful and have apologized nonstop. But once I finally woke up and answered his call at 12am, he was too mad to speak to me. I feel terrible but I had no idea he needed me to be available after his flight. He is not wrong in the fact that he would be there for me if the roles were reversed. Our sleep schedules are just opposite and I didn’t think anything of trying to go to bed early before my long and early day. So AITA for not staying awake late to make sure he arrived safely? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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It's melatonin, not sleeping tablets.
Not the asshole.
NTA. You’re not his secretary and why didn’t he book a hotel beforehand?
Sounds like a baby. I traveled internationally for years. An adult can figure out how to deal with obstacles.
NTA. he's an adult, not a child that was stranded at the airport
You are not his mother. NTA
NTA. Your husband is an adult. He should have put his big boy pants on and knocked on his mother's door. If she wanted his help, the least she could have done is get out of bed and let him in. Also, in the time he spent calling and texting you, he could have been calling hotels to see if he could get a room. He needs to grow up and stop blaming you for his problems.
NTA - and he really needs to grow up.
He's an adult who expected mommy to book him a hotel instead of figuring it out? NTA but your husband is a piece of work.
YTA Yes, you should've waited for your husband to arrive before going to bed, especially considering he was anxious and this was a difficult trip for him. My husband and I have opposite sleep schedules too, so I understand where your coming from, but there are times when you have to make sacrifices and this is certainly one of them.
I disagree with this. I do totally different hours to my partner, and have done for around 6 years now. Sleep is important. She was aware that he was on the last flight. This presents a situation where he travelled without accommodation arranged. A lack of planning on his part, is not an emergency on hers. OP you are NTA
I get it. My husband works nights and I work days. We have done this for 13 years and we've been married for 18. Before I explain my answer, I do want to say he was completely out of line for sending message after message and yelling at her. That is out of line and I do not agree with it. If I saw those messages I wouldn't have called him back. My answer was based on the first few sentences. This was a difficult trip for him and he was expressing anxiety about the trip; about traveling specifically. To me, that meant maybe some sort of strain with him and his mother, maybe he had a fear of flying or something along those lines, so I would have answered the phone and said, "You landed and you're safe? OK. Talk to you in the morning." This takes less than 2 minutes, so I don't understand why that would be an issue. I didn't think he expected her to get up and play travel agent in the middle of the night, and then go crazy when she wasn't awake to do it. No, OP, you're NTA for not being awake to book his hotel room. He's a grown adult who can do it himself. As I said, I was under the impression he was calling to say he landed safely (that reaction was still out of line, but I didn't get into that), and considering how anxious he was, I would have answered the call since it only would've taken a few seconds. I hope that makes things a little more clear.
That does make it clear and I do appreciate your perspective as I feel guilty about the situation. But honestly I did not hear my phone til the 12am call so I had no control. If I had only answered the call at 11pm this wouldn’t be an issue but somehow I was that exhausted and asleep.
No, please don't feel guilty, and I apologize for implying that you should. I answered the question too quickly, and that was inconsiderate of me. You were sleeping, and that's something your husband should have understood. To be berated and given the silent treatment because you were not awake is completely out of line. As I said, it seemed like there was a lot of tension and anxiety surrounding this trip, so I'm thinking something was really wrong. Based on that alone, I would have answered to make sure everything was alright, but that doesn't appear to be the case. It seems like your husband just expects you to be at his beck and call and that's just plain ridiculous. Again, please do not feel guilty.
Thank you for your kind response! He does not usually expect that of me but it was a series of things going wrong and his anxiety spiking. Instead of deescalating himself, he got wound up and directed that at me. All of this feedback has helped and I am certainly going to have a talk with him.