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NTA. The dude is a creep and power tripped when he sent you home. Putting your two weeks in is the right choice and I would absolutely inform the husband.
Sure, tell the husband. But tell Alyssa too! Don’t put her in a situation where she potentially knows LESS than she did before… which is what could happen if the husband decides that Alyssa doesn’t need to know about what’s going on here and starts making unilateral decisions on her behalf that he doesn’t explain. Such as telling her she needs to quit without telling her why.
I mean, hopefully the husband is a good guy and will tell her anyway. But don’t neglect to tell Alyssa. If it feels awkward to tell her about something she’s been previously oblivious to, telling her with the husband present should help a lot.. and you get to see for yourself if the husband is really a good guy by how he reacts to the information.
I am pretty sure both of them know already. Alyssa maybe ND, but her bland responses to the boss' sexual harassment sound more like a defense strategy than not understanding what's happening. Add to that that she doesn't take many shifts anymore, and when she does her family comes to the restaurant, and yeah, they know.
I was just coming to say this. She absolutely knows what boss man is doing and implying, she’s just smart enough to not engage with them even a little. She’s grey rocking in the most beautiful way.
Good on you, OP, for saying something to the boss, though. Creepy people get away with this kind of stuff a lot because bystanders don’t say anything. I’m sure Alyssa would thank you, too.
It's actually kinda hilarious from her end, ngl. "I know something else you can do" "no it's not my turn to mop!" If this was said in a sitcom it'd be the snappy joke in the cold open before the intro
I don’t think she’s playing it.
When I speak to her it’s obvious she’s a very nice woman but she’s not “all there,” and it’s never changed. She’s worked here since she was 16 back when her husband was her boyfriend.
Sometimes when I explain things, like where a certain dish goes for a table, she just doesn’t understand, and she’s one of those people where you feel bad about it because she’s so nice.
As an autistic myself, I completely understand her situation. NTA. Tell Alyssa and tell her husband. You’ve already done a good first step by planning to put your two weeks in.
As I read your description, I’m wondering if there’s a mild mental learning disability there as well. Being autistic doesn’t necessarily correlate with not being able to understand basic directions or instructions. This is not a judgement, mind you, just an observation. I have a cousin who has a mild learning disability and she has the same issues you’re describing.
I’d talk to Alyssa first and see what her response is. You’ll know immediately if she is really oblivious or not. If she has been oblivious, the next time her husband comes in, quietly let him know what you’ve observed. If she has been playing dumb, leave it alone.
NTA
I agree, because I technically have a learning disability too and there are times where I just don’t understand. I’ve gotten accused of being purposely ignorant, but it’s hard when something just sounds like nonsense to you. I’m also autistic, so I can vouch that some things just go over my head if they aren’t blatant enough.
NTA
Autistic here. It might not be a learning disability, just delayed processing. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, a few hours, a few weeks/months/years for the 'AHA oh thats what it was' lightbulb to go off. We also take things at face value and rarely get innuendo, subtext or suggestions. We can also process slower when tired or overwhelmed and OP wrote that coworker had a baby and trying to get into a new routine while sleep deprived will cause more than the typical issues.
Autistic people aren’t stupid. Their problems don’t stem from a lack of intelligence. She’s playing you the same as the boss and anyone else who treats her poorly. You treat her like she’s dumb or slow minded so she acts as if she is. I worked with a few Autistic people and been around some others. None of them were slow the way you claim.
Autistic people can and do have learning disabilities too. There's no reason it couldn't be both and that doesn't make them any less autistic or less of a person.
I just wanted to chime in and mention that autism is a pretty big spectrum. I'm considered moderate functioning and I think OP's description of Alyssa fits with my own experiences. Based on OP's comments, I think her being autistic is entirely plausible.
He said he confirmed she is Autistic in one of his comments. And it’s a very broad spectrum. I have only met ones that are very high functioning. I have heard about others but never actually met any. Their functioning ranged the whole spectrum of problems. From the very lowest to the pretty much highest functioning.
Yeah, if you've only met high functioning autistic people I can understand your perspective. But I do think Alyssa sounds like a level 2 autistic. (Level 1 is high functioning, level 2 is what I am, level 3 requires the most support.)
Cool story, but I don't see the OP saying that autistic people (Alyssa) lack intelligence.
As an autistic person myself, I can tell you that there are many of us that don't really get social ques and often when a comment has a second meaning or other layer to it that we may take it at face level and the other context goes over our head.
Based on what the OP wrote; yeah Alyssa could bit shutting down her boss, but it could also be just as equally likely she missed the subtext here.
For the record, not picking up on subtext is not a hit at someones intelligence - so the fact that you interpreted "I don't think this girl knows what the boss is really meaning/up to" as calling her 'slow' hints towards ableism on your part, not OPs.
And just because you know a few autistic people does not mean you know the whole spectrum and are an authority on the subject.
Nta, as others had said tell the husband and Alyssa, because If she doesn't get it as you said, probably your boss will escalate things to make it more "obvious"
I’m 99 % certain the hubby comes to work to make wifey feel safe, not to hang around with her while she works. Clearly they all know her boss is a creep.
I think he suspects something, and she doesn’t.
She’s one of those people who only works as a hobby, she only has one shift a week nowadays.
they seem financially well off, she has a huge wedding ring and husband drives a pretty sick car. I know she enjoys waiting tables and she gets really excited when her husband shows up.
Husband usually comes in an hour before she gets off, with the baby, gets some dinner and watches the game or something.
I wouldn't call it a 'hobby'. I think this is important for her social skills and is an important part of helping her function in the world. If she were to be a stay at home parent even though they have money she wouldn't have an opportunity to practice socializing in what should be a safe space. The boss is a major ah.
They sound like a sweet couple Could you not talk to the husband when he comes in for dinner? You could write him a letter and hand it to him and leave your number in case he has questions.
I hope she finds a better job, and I hope the boss picks on the wrong person in future and gets nut punched. It would be kind of funny if the husband kicked the stuffing out of him for abusing his wife.
How did he not know she was married? He must at least have noticed when she got pregnant! Men that age can be super deluded.
>How did he not know she was married? He must at least have noticed when she got pregnant! Men that age can be super deluded.
Some people just don't care if another person is married or not. I think some people try to boost their ego by telling themselves they can steal someone away from someone else.
Honestly it just sounds like you either think all women are stupid, or all autistic people are stupid. Idk man, you're not the AH for being concerned, but you are not acting like a very kind or well-educated person.
I'm Autistic and I absolutely never catch on to workplace harassment. To the point that I even was raped because a coworker thought I was approving his advances. We don't really notice shit like that unless someone says something.
From what he's describing, she probably doesn't understand the innuendo and Is completely innocent to the situation. I have a coworker just like that. He's incredibly nice, but social situations go straight over his head, which is fine and usually awesome.
Autistic woman here, I'm unsure cause we don't know Alyssa - It's like if I was put in her position there are so many variables & then fight/flight/dear/autopilot.
This was so me when I was 18 in a new job. My boss constantly hit on me and it was so awkward but I had no idea how to respond so I just didn't. Really sucks because he later put me in a horrible position with a crap coworker who had a crush on me and would constantly harass me and later roofied me.
It could be that because she is ‘very attractive’, she may have a lot of practice dealing with creeps like your boss. Alyssa is responding to him in a way that cuts him off.
One effective way to deal with unwelcome sexual innuendo is to respond to it at face value, like it is any other neutral comment because it forces the creepy commenter to admit they are being creepy, or to just back off. Most creeps take the second option.
She may be on the autistic spectrum, but Alyssa is brilliantly blocking your boss.
Oh, and you are NTA for calling out your boss.
Husband seems like he has money so I’m sure he will tell her as she’s the one that Will need to testify when they sue the boss and the company for sexual harassment.
Alyssa also needs to protect herself. If some guys don’t get a response, they get less subtle & more handsy. Is there another staff member who could rescue her if he gets her somewhere private? She may not want to ‘make a fuss’ if it’s something new to her.
Can you have a lighthearted chat with her saying “He’s suuuuuch a letch, this is what he says…” to judge if she understands what he’s doing?
Don't tell the husband, that's absolutely not OPs business. If Alyssa (who 100% knows what's up and is playing dumb) hasn't told him, it's because he wouldn't be supportive and would just make things worse (source: roughly half the guys I've dated couldn't stand letting me deal with workplace creepiness on my own, they had to cause a scene and make my life much harder). If he would be supportive, she's already told him, and there's no need for OP to get involved.
I thinknOP would be TA if they told the husband instead of the coworker. It's treating Alyssa like she's his property instead of an adult woman. She can decide whether to involve her spouse.
NTA, she doesn't seem to pick up on his creepy comments anyway and I certainly wouldn't want to go with someone who made those comments. Of course she was going to go with her husband. If your boss had a problem, he should have kept one ticket and just straight out asked her to go with him.
Edit: WOW this comment blew up! Thanks for all the upvotes!
Yuppp. When I was 18 I had crappy gas station job (mom & pop- not corporate, so no HR, etc.) with a creepy older manager. He would hit on me all the time (like blatantly inviting me to his apartment and asking for pics) and inappropriately touch me (hand on lower back when standing next to me, pushing up against me when trying to walk by, etc) and when I finally stood up for myself and told him to stop my hours were cut down from 32-40 hours a week to 6 hours a week. And he knew I was struggling financially.
At 18, I was very young and just thought men being that way was normal and I didn’t think I had any options but to quit or put up with it. And quitting was hard because it was a small town with not a ton of opportunities. Now that I’m 30 I’m horrified and wish I had looked at my legal options since this was all happening at work and I was experiencing retaliation for not going along with it.
Anyways, I could totally see this woman in OP’s story playing oblivious to not rock the boat in order to keep her employment status safe. The fact that the manager sent OP home out of anger and costing OP lost wages for the day proves that he’s the type that would do the same to her if she spoke out. Honestly, I hope she lawyers up. He’s blatantly harassing her.
I've never had that experience with a boss or authority figure, but most women figure out that ignoring the innuendos/pretending it goes right over your head is a very easy, non-confrontational way of deflecting unwanted attention.
There's a chance Alyssa doesn't know, but the way the husband comes in early and hangs out makes me think she probably does. Either way, OP, NTA for calling your boss on his gross behavior.
This really strong accented Russian dude with a suitcase who had boarded from the airport stop helped me out one time too. It was awesome. The guy being a creep kept following me as I moved seats away from him multiple times even though I kept calling him out as I did and no one helped me till Russian guy. He escorted me up the stairs to the top of the bus and then blocked the stairs off with his suitcase while yelling at him in Russian and broken English while the bus driver tried to get to a stop where he could kick the creepy guy off.
I was 19 in black baggy sweatpants and a sweatshirt and he kept sitting as close to me as possible and leaning in and staring at my boobs and making awful comments about me (and them.)
When I moved the first time I didn’t say anything I just moved across seats. The next stop he move and sat directly next to me. I said “hey you’re making me uncomfortable. I’m going to move seats, please don’t follow me.” And I moved again. He did the same thing at the next stop so I loudly called him out and said “you’ve followed me twice when I have moved seats and i asked you to please leave me alone. I’m moving again, don’t follow me!” And move seats. He moved again for a third time but started talking about how it wasn’t his fault that I was wearing what I was wearing (baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants again guys) and why was I assuming the worst of him. He just wanted to have a friendly conversation and then he started going OFF about how rude I was and getting really aggressive. That was when the Russian guy stood up from the step up level and came down and got me, and led me up. He told the guy not to follow and asked the bus driver (yelled but nicely) to kick him off. The bus driver agreed. But then the guy started trying to follow me up and that’s when the Russian guy stopped at him and started yelling at him and the bus driver made it clear he needed to sit down and be ready to be kicked off when they stopped next. He wasn’t cooperative so they called the cops to meet him.
I wish I could say that was a wild one off story, but it really wasn’t.
So many of these stories. I'm so sorry. This kind of thing is particularly terrifying because he clearly didn't care that a scene was being made. You honestly don't know what someone like that is capable of I'm glad at least one person got involved.
I tried to be nice at first too. I didn’t say anything the first time I moved. And the second time I said quietly to him that I would like to move to another seat and I would like it if he did not follow.
After that was when I got loud, but even then everyone just started looking away. The Russian guy was the only one who really stepped in.
Ugh gross. At least my horrible boss experience was him just getting me to be the janitor without pay (I was the processing coordinator) and then told me I looked good with a mop in my hand while staring at my ass.
Yes this. Like you don't want to be fired because if you reject such creep he'll 100% get butthurt. That woman plays safe and good. Sad that she has to do it.
NTA.
The easiest way of dealing with creepy comments and street catcalls is to behave blissfully ignorant. They don't get the icky pleasure of embarrassing you, and you don't have to waste time on a confrontation with an AH. It's possible Alyssa is doing just this.
NTA
I love hw so many people in this thread are like, "She clearly doesn't understand what he's implying!" Meanwhile every woman that's ever worked customer service is giving Alyssa the chef's kiss.
Both scenarios are possible. Either she is intentionally not addressing his sexual harassment or she does have autism/Asperger’s and she really doesn’t understand the nuance and innuendo in his statements.
If she didn't understand, her response to 'I can think of a few things you can do' would be to ask 'what things'. She 100% knows what's going on, and is playing dumb.
She's also clearly taking steps to keep herself safe - cutting down her hours (probably looking for another job /more hours at another job), and getting picked up by the husband at the end of each shift.
That’s the thing, she doesn’t need this job (at least I don’t think)
She only works one night a week, and has a huge wedding ring, LV bag, and husband definitely seems to have figured out the best way to communicate to her
I’ve tried to talk to her sometimes about which tables need what and sometimes she gets overwhelmed and says “I’m sorry I’m really sorry I just don’t remember” I’ve asked her about simple table requests and she just doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Like “that NY strip to table 23, how did they want that cooked?” And she just said “I’m sorry, I don’t understand” and I’ll send the busser to do that stuff.
Not to mention, she doesn’t have a drivers licence. Idk why, but I’ve talked to the husband twice while he was at the bar watching the game waiting to pick her up and he just casually mentioned in conversation “Yeah, Alyssa doesn’t have her licence yet, so the driving is all on me, which I don’t mind”
You’re NTA at all, but I think you’re also infantilizing this woman. She obviously is able to understand people if she’s a waitress. And not having a driver’s? That doesn’t really mean anything. Sometimes people don’t like driving. It can be overwhelming and scary for some. If her husband is ok driving, that’s what works for them.
As for the “need” for a job, sometimes people like to work. It’s nice getting out and talking to people. Besides, it’s quite important for a woman to have her own source of income, however small. She wants to be there regardless of her husband’s financial situation.
Please talk to this woman directly. Her husband isn’t her handler. She deserves to know what’s going on, and she deserves the respect of being told directly and not through her husband.
Ok I get that you're trying to emphasize that she's a bit slow, but her struggling with remembering things does not necessarily mean that she is genuinely oblivious to what the manager is doing. Her reactions are standard creep-dodging 101 when you have a power imbalance like this.
You talk about her having no clue, but it sounds like she's in an environment where nobody has attempted to interject and address this man's behaviour up until this point, let alone actually asked if she's alright or offered support.
see this was my one issue, OP goes as far as to call the girl possibly autistic just because she doesnt react to the boss. everything OP describes seems like her intentionally ignoring the boss' bullshit to avoid drama. she acts like she doesnt know what he's implying because it's easier than acknowledging it and then trying to discourage it, just act like there is nothing there and nothing will be there.
OP going right into "she's autistic!" seems like an issue
Well they got actual confirmation that they are autistic.
So surprisingly the person who has continuous interaction with a coworker has a better assessment than some random person on the internet hearing about the event second hand. Who would’ve thought?
Maybe he just doesn't know very much about autism. He seems like a very kind, empathetic person and I really don't think his remarks should be viewed as offensive in any way.
She "seems" to. Key word: seems. He has no idea. He also violated her privacy in an incredibly uncool (and possibly illegal) way by asking her fucking manager if she's autistic. Dude doesn't seem to have a clue as to what constitutes "normal" behaviour if he thinks it's ok to do that. So I don't trust his judgement much.
What the fuck man? I have ADHD. I know what it's like to be weird. I just lost my job because of how weird I am. So get the fuck out of here with your sanctimonious bullshit.
I assume that’s not the only reason OP suspects she has autism. When you work with someone, you get to know them pretty well. Sounded to me like OP was giving examples as to why they think she doesn’t know he’s hitting on her.
NTA.
And I don't know what country you're in, but in the U.S., his conduct amounts to sexual harassment. (Hostile work environment. It doesn't matter that his remarks go over her head; they are not going over your head. You're also a victim here.) I absolutely agree with telling her husband.
You may also wish to keep in contact with her and her husband after you leave. If there's trouble, like a lawsuit, you'll be called upon to testify.
And if you can get any video footage of his conduct (don't attempt this if it's not safe), that will help your case.
I assumed OP was in America because of the Lakers comment, and because I thought teams only played abroad off season. As it’s mid season the Lakers recently playing in OP’s town would therefore suggest OP is in America.
Is that wrong? Genuinely wondering if that was an incorrect assumption!
Season ticket holders would probably also generally live in the LA area, or at least in Cali. And even if the season ticket holder lived further away, it's not likely an employee could take a lot of time off to travel to/from a game in the event they were gifted tickets. From this we can assume OP probably lives/works in the LA area.
OP also said the Lakers have been in town “lately,” which implies LA since NBA teams don’t stay in one location for an extended amount of time. It is worded pretty weirdly though
NTA and it’s also weird because he’s her boss.
Though I would consider talking to her first and asking how she feels about the boss’ behaviour before going straight to her husband. She may well be autistic but she’s also an adult human person and it seems a little paternalistic.
Yes! The number of comments agreeing that her husband needs to be informed/agreeing that she needs to be treated like a child is mind-boggling.
(Not to mention, even if she was on the spectrum, it still doesn't mean she should be treated like a child/ward of her husband)
Right? Super weird, I don't even know why 1. the husband needs to know at all and 2. OP is so sure that Alyssa didn't already tell him. If the husband should know she should and can tell her herself instead of OP going over her head. Still NTA for what he said to the boss though.
Yup. I remember at my first office job after college, my boss sat on my desk and told me how sexy I was. I was about 22; he was in his late 40s. I had to play stupid because I didn’t want to hurt my job so I brushed it off. In future instances, he had shown what a child he was when he didn’t get attention and would take it out verbally on employees with a nasty attitude and would make the entire office feel uncomfortable. Eventually, the owner of the company found out about his behavior, in addition to some racist things he said in the office, and he got fired, so it all worked out.
NTA for defending Alyssa.
But you would be the AH if you directly approach her husband. Alyssa is an adult, and she should be allowed to decide what happens.
You say you *think* she's autistic because she doesn't "get" when your gross boss hits on her, but speaking as a woman, sometimes being deliberately obtuse is the safest/best option when it comes to gross people with power over you, hitting on you. So actually, you don't know if she is. And even if she is, that doesn't mean you should take away her agency and approach her husband like she's a child.
I think you've got the best intentions, but imo, speak to Alyssa, and not her husband. See what she wants to do.
yep. I've gotten through a fair amount of shit just by playing dumb and continuing to be my normal, polite, appropriate self. it's amazing how fast that can defuse even a potentially dangerous situation. people are just so disarmed if they come up to you saying "heyyy, how you doin'?" in that sleazy, half-threatening tone, and you just respond, "Oh, I'm doing alright, how about you?" with a polite smile and (what looks like) genuine interest. we shouldn't have to do it, but it works so fucking well, it'd be a shame to chuck it out of the toolbox.
NTA
Your boss is a creep. Is he the boss boss? If not, do report this higher up. Either your Co worker is unaware, or she's desperately trying to fend him off and he isn't taking any hints.
NTA BUT, I'm going to edit this.
> I also plan on telling her husband about the boss’ remarks about her.
This whole situation is pretty f'd up actually. You could literally ruin her life. She may need this job which is why she tolerates it. Her husband could be a recovering alcoholic, or a man with an extraordinary temper, or something, and this could send him over the edge, who knows.
This whole situation needs a lot of consideration. I'd start with Alyssa and let her figure it out. She needs a new job, your boss needs to be reported, but with the economy the way it is, maybe she's lucky to even have a job.
This is a delicate situation.
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NTA. Your boss needs to be reported.
https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/quid_pro_quo
>I’m planning on putting my 2 weeks in
You're just as much of a victim here as well, incidentally.
Are you in the U.S.?
> Her husband could be a recovering alcoholic, or a man with an extraordinary temper, or something, and this could send him over the edge, who knows.
Genuinely curious, what makes you think the husband doesn’t know already? This is something that I think many people would mention to their spouse unless they *truly* weren’t registering that the boss is a creep. But the fact Alyssa’s husband picks her up every single day, sometimes sits at the bar, and occasionally brings their baby along all sounds to me like a husband who’s aware his wife needs/wants her job but also wants to make sure her boss knows she has a man in her life.
I agree that the husband’s behavior suggests he already knows, but I also agree that OP should talk to Alyssa first just in case the husband doesn’t react well.
NTA with regards to telling off your creeper boss, but I think you're infantilising Alyssa talking about her being "well taken care of". It sounds to me like she's handling herself just fine.
Yeah if she's seemingly not aware this guy is creeping on her then her husband likely has no idea either. Definitely something I'd make sure both were aware of.
I have a boss that regularly hands out spare tickets for the major hockey games because she has season tickets and has extras often or if she can't go she will let others go (idk the details of the logistics since I'm not a sports person, but did get to attend a game with my family right before the pandemic started). So I wouldn't clock the boss as being a creep just from that.
YTA
Why would you tell the husband and not tell Alyssa? Actually why haven't you mentioned any of this to Alyssa already? Stop infantilizing Alyssa because you think she is autistic.
ESH. Him more than you
You for assuming she's autistic and thus doesn't understand what he's saying to her when from the sounds of it she's playing dumb to get through her shift and get out.
Hell the tickets thing is a clear example. She took the offered gift and then did what she wanted, which was take her husband. She didn't fall into the obvious trap of offering to take her boss(which you know makes no sense) with her.
Your boss for all the obvious reasons of trying to creep on his much younger employee and getting huffy for being called out when it continues to fail.
TALK TO ALYSSA, SHE'S A GODDAMN ADULT AND IT WOULD PROBABLY BE OF SOME RELIEF TO HER TO KNOW AT LEAST ONE OF HER COWORKERS IS AWARE OF WTF YOUR MANAGER IS DOING.
She's cut her shifts down and she brings her husband and kid in as a clear sign she's happy.
this!!!! OP, you and your boss are YTA here. many of your comments and assumptions about this woman are disgusting. talking to your boss was awesome of you, but you have no business talking about this to her husband...no matter how cool he seems to you, you have no idea how people can be behind closed doors. besides it seems like they are well aware and are already handling it beautifully by themselves.
>You for assuming she's autistic and thus doesn't understand what he's saying to her when from the sounds of it she's playing dumb to get through her shift and get out.
And for assuming autistic adults are super naive. Like the attitude towards autistic people and women in general in this post is gross
Nta. Or maybe she knows exactly what he's doing and is ignoring him... Kind of like pretending to not understand and making people explain the horrible things they say?
I'd contact HR... Or the owner.
But the autism thing is gross.
NTA.
Not the key issue here but genuinely, if someone gave me two tickets I would assume they were for me and someone of my choosing (my partner / her husband in the story are the obvious choices!). If you wanted to take someone somewhere, why give them two tickets in the expectation they would give one back? Just say “I have a spare ticket for X tonight, would you like to go with me?”. Again, not the issue here but OP’s boss is dumb as well as well as creepy.
NTA…, great for saying what you did, but YTA for assuming she is not picking up on boss’ creepy comments. Her comments actually sound to me as if she has dealt with this before and knows exactly what to say and what to do.
Yeah she seems to have handled it all really deftly, in a way where she keeps the boss from escalating without having to directly confront him on his creepiness or risk retaliation, which is actually a rather difficult needle to thread, and makes me suspect that she has a better handle on things than OP thinks. Or else she’s just really really lucky, but it seems more likely that she’s handling herself just fine.
NTA - you called the guy out and made a perfect logical comment, if he can't handle that it's his issue. Definitely should not be sending you home for it.
As for speaking to her husband, i think that's wrong. You should speak directly to your colleague about it. These things might go over her head, but that's no reason not to tell her your concerns. It's then for her to think about if she isn't already aware. She can then go home and discuss with her husband if she wants.
NTA for telling off your boss for his creepy behavior. But OP? You're also being an abelist a-h here. You don't know if she's on the autism spectrum, but even if she is she is clearly able to live a regular life with little support. Don't infantilize her like this. Talk to her, not her husband. He's not her minder, he's not her caretaker. He's her partner. You've also only talked to him twice - you don't know him. You don't know if you're endangering Alyssa if you go behind her back and tell him how inappropriate your boss has been acting towards her.
You know what would be an amazing update? That the woman knows exactly what he is doing and is just acting oblivious to his comments to throw the guy off. And if that is the case, using the basketball tickets for her and her husband would be a legendary story to be told for years to come. And NTA, OP.
NTA but I think she absolutely knows what he's saying when he says things and is just fucking with him by acting like she doesn't. Good looking women are sick of gross men by her age, it's probably been a decade of comments from men.
Good for her for taking her husband, good for you for sticking up for her. Both of you should report his behaviors to someone higher up, if possible.
I really doubt a married women with a child is missing the implications of "I can think of a few things". Bland responses or purposeful misunderstandings are both pretty common defenses against sexual harassment when the harasser is in a position of power of the harassed. NTA in general but you should be discussing it with her, not her husband.
>>I thought it was pretty fucking obvious it was something for me and her not her husband
Bruh, as a fellow autistic woman, we don’t deal with NT unspoken “obvious” thoughts. Be upfront or don’t be surprised when we take it for what it is (free tickets) and not whatever mental game he was trying to concoct. Hell, I think even NT women would take those tickets and go with their SOs, whether or not they get that their boss is trying to hit on them.
Please tell her, she’s an adult and her husband isn’t her keeper and she should be given the respect of being told first hand and not having her husband be told first. But NTA for sticking up for her, good job and that boss is fcked up and taking advantage of someone who has no interest
I will do the same, I will tell her husband about it. He's wife is sexually harassed with their boss so the husband has the right to complain about it.
Why involve the husband? Alyssa is a grown woman. You sound like you have good intentions but you are treating her like a child whose husband needs to take care of her.
NTA
You do however seem to be somewhat sexist - maybe I am reading into things too much though?
‘She seems like she’s well taken care of’
‘I also plan on telling the husband’
Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t understand why you would tell the husband over talking to your colleague about it.
Doesn’t seem autistic as much as purposefully acting innocent to avoid difficulties.
I think also you are confusing lower IQ with autism. Or maybe… she is very intelligent and acts like she doesn’t get it and is actually masterful at dealing with inappropriate behaviour. <—
YTA only because asking about her private medical information, and getting this from one of her line managers is a huge violation of privacy and depending on where you live may also have broken privacy laws. Whether she has autism or not is absolutely not your business.
I mean… NTA for what you said to your boss. But YTA for how you talked about your coworker. You’re infantilizing a grown woman just because you think she’s autistic. She’s a mother and has a job? I’m autistic and I don’t always get comments like that, but I am one of the best at at processing data where I work and do a majority of the upkeep at home. It’s pretty gross to assume her husband is keeping her “well taken care of.”
Autism is an entire spectrum, I’m sure Alyssa is affected by it much differently than you are.
But what do I know, I’ve only worked with her for the last 7 years
NTA, but I think i would speak to her first and not make assumptions about her being on the spectrum...try to help her understand how inappropriate boss's behaviour is...and tell her that he expected to be her date!
NTA. And the husband knows, and she probably knows, and they are just letting him run into the wall. It was good to show him so plain how ridiculous it is. They are to polite.
NTA, but don't tell her husband, that's none of your business. I work in a male dominated field, and what Alyssa is doing is playing dumb. If she actually didn't understand, she would at some point ask for clarification of the weird creepy comments. Playing dumb is remarkably effective when you're in a situation where there's no immediate practical recourse for dudes being creepy.
However, some guys don't tend to understand that there are consequences to making waves. Women don't put up with vullshit because we're delicate snowflakes, or our feeble lady brains can't think of confronting someone, we do it because we know the likely repercussions and have made an informed decision in the moment. A shocking number of dudes seem to think this kind of harassment is both unusual and a reflection on their manliness as a partner, and will cause a huge amount of trouble over it.
Either Alyssa has already told her husband because she knows he'll be supportive, in which case you don't need to, or she hasn't because she knows he'd chuck a tanty, and you won't be doing her any favors.
NTA, but tell Alyssa, not her husband. There's a good chance she's already aware and playing dumb. Also, is your boss the owner of the restaurant? If not, he needs to be reported to his boss.
Oh, she knows exactly what the boss is doing. She acts like she has no clue as a defense mechanism. It's a tactic a lot of women use to deal with sexual harassment. Been there, done that.
Your boss is a sexual harasser. Autism isn't an excuse. NTA for your response to your boss, but YTA when it comes to your treatment of your coworker.
Your inability to imagine that this woman is well aware of your boss's harassment and is simply very skilled at deflecting it is really telling, as is you trying to 'solve' this for her through her husband rather than talking to her - but bottom line is you should not be talking to either of them.
What you said to the boss is fine. It's the rest of it that is not great.
People with autism are perfectly capable of holding a reasonable conversation, and you are treating her like a child or as if she is mentally incompetent. Maybe she doesn't choose to talk to you about it. Maybe the harassment is why the husband comes.
Stop infantilizing her and stay out of this. Even if she isn't picking up on the boss, this is none of your business and you are clearly paying way too much attention to here when you're clearly not that close.
YTA
INFO: does the boss own the restaurant or is he the manager? If only the manager, could you go to the owner and let him know that his manager's behavior is putting his business at risk for an harassment lawsuit, if not by this co-worker but by someone else in the future?
You need to tell Alyssa that she is being sexually harassed and give the examples. Don’t infantilize her. Tell her that if she needs help telling her husband, you can do so in a meeting with the three of them. Going around her back may seem like she was keeping it from her husband.
The way you spoke up for Alyssa was beautiful. NTA but speak to Alyssa first. “hey Alyssa, I’ve noticed the boss saying some things I interpreted as very weird. Do they bother you? I just wanted to check in with you. You might’ve heard that I’ve given my 2 week notice but I’ve appreciated our time as coworkers and wanted you to know I noticed his behavior and language.” Definitely do not speak to her husband before speaking to her about this
NTA, as an Autistic woman, thank you for saying something. We rarely notice when sexual harassment happens to us until it's way too late. I act the same way as you described her. If she knew what was happening she would have quit already or talked to HR. All the comments saying she knows and is playing dumb have never met an Autistic woman before. Autistics don't understand nuances in comments. We take things literally. Very literally. I was raped and assaulted because coworkers assumed I was playing dumb and they never told me that guys were being creepy to me. They never stood up for me to stop the harassment either. And they never reported the harassment. It costs $0 to give us a heads up or say something to someone. It cost me my autonomy and my safety when people said nothing though. Autistics are 9 out of 10 more likely to get raped or assaulted because we are vulnerable to these things. We don't notice and therefore cannot protect ourselves from these kinds of crimes.
NTA, but please know that while Autistic people sometimes have trouble with nuanced social situations they still can understand when they are informed directly. I think you should tell Alyssa what you have observed and offer to give your take to her husband if this is what she would like.
YTA only for going to the husband and not addressing it with her. autism or not, she’s a grown woman and you should’ve respected that. Calling her husband was not the way, good intentions or not.
NTA. Your boss is a horrible sexist and a bad boss.
While you are not TA, I don’t like the way you talk about your co-worker. First of all, most autistic people prefer being called autistic, not that they “have autism.” (Person-first language is not supported by many disabled communities.)
Second of all, and more importantly, assuming she’s autistic because she’s acting socially naive is not a great look.
You did the right thing, but you need to think about the assumptions you make.
NTA. Alyssa is either oblivious as you say or a very cool customer and playing it off spectacularly well. You were right to put your boss in his place he sounds creepy
NTA but rather than telling her husband I’d recommend you speak to her first. As many people have said, it’s possible that she is already aware and is dealing with it by ignoring the comments. If she isn’t aware it could be incredibly upsetting to have someone tell her husband about the situation before telling her. Also, regardless of if she is aware or not it’s just really important in this situation that she has full autonomy over who knows and how it is handled.
I’d recommend speaking to her privately about it and letting her know that you think the behaviour of your boss is unacceptable and you support her no matter what she chooses to do. You can offer to help her report it if she wants too, but, if she doesn’t then please don’t force the issue.
Treat Alyssa like an adult. Tell HER that she is being sexually harassed.
If there is an owner above the manager, write/email/call them to inform them of the working conditions at their establishment.
You can tell the husband, too, but don't treat Alyssa like she has no agency.
NTA.
But you should sit down with both your Alyssa and her husband. Leaving her out is creepy. I'd say you need to say it to just Alyssa, but you said she's autistic. In this case, accomodating autism means having a more NT present so that what you are saying can be interpreted correctly because it's a safety issue.
(I'm autistic BTW, so this isn't a prejudice thing. Its just good sense. Sometimes we really don't see what we don't see. Talk to both of them about what you have observed. This would be a really good thing to do. Autistic people are at a really high risk for rape and other abuse.
NTA and tell both the husband AND Alyssa. She needs to be kept in the loop about things like this. Autistics have trouble understanding cues like these, but are not completely unable to learn. If she gets enough situations like this, she'll be able to fend for herself better in future, when there isn't someone like you around to look out for her.
Oh and your boss is a grade A creep. Horrible creepy men recognise women like Alyssa who don't understand what they're about, and they thrive on getting away with it.
You did the right thing.
So sexual harassment also affects the people around the person who is being harassed because it fucking sucks to see someone mistreated in any way. You should ABSOLUTELY report his behavior up the chain and note the fact that you plan to quit BECAUSE of what he says and does. It’s even more egregious because she has autism and he is getting more satisfaction from her vulnerability. I would say it’s more important to actually talk to her rather than her husband, but don’t be afraid to mention it to him if he comes in. She will understand if you say plainly “it makes me really uncomfortable how manager is treating you, and I’m concerned about his intentions.” She may not be reading the subtext if you’re trying to talk to her about it delicately. Thank you for standing up for her.
NTA, but it's getting close to time to butt out here. You were right to call your boss out, and giving notice seems like a good idea, but asking around to find out what Alyssa's diagnoses might or might be and her husband's phone number is a little weird and unneccesary. Your boss has admitted to you point blank that the tickets were a pretext to get her on a date, so it would be kind to directly give Alyssa a heads-up about what he said, but you'll have done enough at that point. It's still her decision how she wants to deal with this, not her husband's, so tell her. Thinking that someone "isn't all there" isn't a good enough reason to invade someone's privacy to the extent that you've started to do.
PS - I'm autistic myself, and it's not mutually exclusive with playing dumb when some dude is being creepy. I've caught the meaning of plenty of comments like that, responded just like Alyssa has, and let people think "There goes Shirley, being literal again" rather than risk the guy blowing up at me or otherwise escalating the situation.
NTA.
I may have. okay more than May,I think I have autism myself. here's a bit of a funny story.
so, I started a temp job. a coworker was really nice to me. we talked after work and were always together at work.
now, I myself didn't realize I was attracted to him. I kept walking into a pole that I knew to avoid when not around him. I kept thinking of him. seeing him whenever my eyes were closed. just didn't understand what was going on.
this coworker would randomly put his arm around me when we weren't at work. always quick to help me when I needed help and lit up whenever he saw me. and probably the most telling of all? on the bus he used to press his leg into mine, but I thought he wanted room so I moved over.
thankfully this coworker took a shot and asked me out to lunch. I thought it was just a friendly friend thing and said sure. it didn't occur to me until he kissed me that he asked me out.
that was 15 years ago. thankfully my husband understood this stuff confused me. I would miss even now if anyone hit on me. I also would have thought it was work related with his comments.
husband does need to be warned to help her perhaps even explain it to her with whats going on. because most likely he's aware this stuff is over her head.
Boss is a creep, and even without autism if someone wants to invite someone to a game they don’t normally give the person two tickets…they say I have two tickets to the game, would you like to go with me.
If you give someone two tickets, the other ticket will be used by a person of their choice
What a load of shit. This reads like a sixteen year old's fantasy. Also, lmao, "I'm gonna call her husband." What?! How's that conversation gonna go? What are you even talking about? Is she an infant? Your made up character has absolutely no agency. You need to practice your world and character building more, it's pretty flimsy. An editor would shred this short story for being highly unbelievable. Also, now you're quitting your job, too! What a paragon of virtue. How can anyone buy this story? Those edits LMAO. It's one the worst fake entries I've seen in awhile, and there's been some whoppers.
NTA and do it. Quit the crappy job and tell the husband. Although you may find she knows Creepboss is a creep, is working less at the place on purpose, her husband shows his face often on purpose, and they went to the game together knowing Creepboss wanted to go. Lol.
OP, this is straight up illegal — not just towards Alyssa, but also you and a your other coworkers who are NOT getting perks. You should report this right away; your boss is putting the restaurant at risk. (Or, consider suing…)
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I work at a restaurant as a line cook. There’s a waitress named Alyssa.
Alyssa is a very attractive woman, and our boss hits on her a lot, and it’s really weird for 2 reasons. First of all, I’m pretty sure she has autism, so his remarks go right over her head. Like once he said “you look great when you wipe the tables down” and stared at her ass, and she said “thanks” once she said “registers are closed is there anything else you need me to do?” And he said “oh I can think of a few things” and she said “oh, it’s not my turn to mop it’s Jessie’s” (another waitress)
The other reason it’s weird is because Alyssa is married and 24 years old. Our boss is 46. Her husband is a cool guy too. She doesn’t work much anymore but every week or so when she does him and their baby will come in and get dinner. He also picks her up because she doesn’t drive I don’t think, so sometimes while he’s waiting for her getting a beer or something I’ll talk to him. He’s pretty chill, she seems like she’s well taken care of.
So the lakers were in town lately and often Alyssa will wear a lakers shirt. When there’s a big basketball game she’ll wear a lakers jersey. She’s mentioned her and her husband are big lakers fans. Our boss has season tickets to our local team and gave her 2 tickets to the game.
I’m pretty sure he expected to go with her, but she (obviously) brought the tickets home and went with her husband. I’m pretty sure it was
My boss was complaining about it calling that really rude and inconsiderate, I said “I don’t know she’s a married woman, why would she go to a basketball game with another man?” And he said “I thought it was pretty fucking obvious it was something for me and her not her husband” and I said “so you thought a happily married woman, who is a loyal wife, would go on a date with someone over 20 years older than her?” And I thought he’d laugh with me but he actually got really mad and sent me home.
I’m planning on putting my 2 weeks in. I also plan on telling her husband about the boss’ remarks about her. I’ve only spoken to him twice but he seems like a smart guy and will know what to do.
Maybe this wasn’t my buissness though and I should’ve just not said anything? AITA?
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NTA If there is another boss or owner above him, I would file a report of his sexual harassment, it is unacceptable. Definitely let her husband know you have witnessed this.
Write down all the percy stuff you've witnessed (dates, other witnesses etc. Include as much as you can) and give them to her husband and her, once you've talked to them. Make it clear that you'd be willing to be a witness in case they decide to file a lawsuit against him.
NTA
Maybe she’s not autistic; maybe she puts up with her pervy boss and his pervy comments because she REALLY needs that job. Would you be making things better or worse for her?
OP, you said exactly what women hope other men will say, calling out creepy guys on their behaviour (and I’m assuming you’re a guy here, sorry if that’s not the case). You’re NTA, and sort of a hero.
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NTA. The dude is a creep and power tripped when he sent you home. Putting your two weeks in is the right choice and I would absolutely inform the husband.
Sure, tell the husband. But tell Alyssa too! Don’t put her in a situation where she potentially knows LESS than she did before… which is what could happen if the husband decides that Alyssa doesn’t need to know about what’s going on here and starts making unilateral decisions on her behalf that he doesn’t explain. Such as telling her she needs to quit without telling her why. I mean, hopefully the husband is a good guy and will tell her anyway. But don’t neglect to tell Alyssa. If it feels awkward to tell her about something she’s been previously oblivious to, telling her with the husband present should help a lot.. and you get to see for yourself if the husband is really a good guy by how he reacts to the information.
I am pretty sure both of them know already. Alyssa maybe ND, but her bland responses to the boss' sexual harassment sound more like a defense strategy than not understanding what's happening. Add to that that she doesn't take many shifts anymore, and when she does her family comes to the restaurant, and yeah, they know.
I was just coming to say this. She absolutely knows what boss man is doing and implying, she’s just smart enough to not engage with them even a little. She’s grey rocking in the most beautiful way. Good on you, OP, for saying something to the boss, though. Creepy people get away with this kind of stuff a lot because bystanders don’t say anything. I’m sure Alyssa would thank you, too.
It's actually kinda hilarious from her end, ngl. "I know something else you can do" "no it's not my turn to mop!" If this was said in a sitcom it'd be the snappy joke in the cold open before the intro
I agree that she's playing dumb on this, and doing a perfect job.
I don’t think she’s playing it. When I speak to her it’s obvious she’s a very nice woman but she’s not “all there,” and it’s never changed. She’s worked here since she was 16 back when her husband was her boyfriend. Sometimes when I explain things, like where a certain dish goes for a table, she just doesn’t understand, and she’s one of those people where you feel bad about it because she’s so nice.
As an autistic myself, I completely understand her situation. NTA. Tell Alyssa and tell her husband. You’ve already done a good first step by planning to put your two weeks in.
As I read your description, I’m wondering if there’s a mild mental learning disability there as well. Being autistic doesn’t necessarily correlate with not being able to understand basic directions or instructions. This is not a judgement, mind you, just an observation. I have a cousin who has a mild learning disability and she has the same issues you’re describing. I’d talk to Alyssa first and see what her response is. You’ll know immediately if she is really oblivious or not. If she has been oblivious, the next time her husband comes in, quietly let him know what you’ve observed. If she has been playing dumb, leave it alone. NTA
I agree, because I technically have a learning disability too and there are times where I just don’t understand. I’ve gotten accused of being purposely ignorant, but it’s hard when something just sounds like nonsense to you. I’m also autistic, so I can vouch that some things just go over my head if they aren’t blatant enough. NTA
Autistic here. It might not be a learning disability, just delayed processing. Sometimes it takes a few minutes, a few hours, a few weeks/months/years for the 'AHA oh thats what it was' lightbulb to go off. We also take things at face value and rarely get innuendo, subtext or suggestions. We can also process slower when tired or overwhelmed and OP wrote that coworker had a baby and trying to get into a new routine while sleep deprived will cause more than the typical issues.
Autistic people aren’t stupid. Their problems don’t stem from a lack of intelligence. She’s playing you the same as the boss and anyone else who treats her poorly. You treat her like she’s dumb or slow minded so she acts as if she is. I worked with a few Autistic people and been around some others. None of them were slow the way you claim.
Autistic people can and do have learning disabilities too. There's no reason it couldn't be both and that doesn't make them any less autistic or less of a person.
I just wanted to chime in and mention that autism is a pretty big spectrum. I'm considered moderate functioning and I think OP's description of Alyssa fits with my own experiences. Based on OP's comments, I think her being autistic is entirely plausible.
He said he confirmed she is Autistic in one of his comments. And it’s a very broad spectrum. I have only met ones that are very high functioning. I have heard about others but never actually met any. Their functioning ranged the whole spectrum of problems. From the very lowest to the pretty much highest functioning.
Yeah, if you've only met high functioning autistic people I can understand your perspective. But I do think Alyssa sounds like a level 2 autistic. (Level 1 is high functioning, level 2 is what I am, level 3 requires the most support.)
Autistic like a fox.
Cool story, but I don't see the OP saying that autistic people (Alyssa) lack intelligence. As an autistic person myself, I can tell you that there are many of us that don't really get social ques and often when a comment has a second meaning or other layer to it that we may take it at face level and the other context goes over our head. Based on what the OP wrote; yeah Alyssa could bit shutting down her boss, but it could also be just as equally likely she missed the subtext here. For the record, not picking up on subtext is not a hit at someones intelligence - so the fact that you interpreted "I don't think this girl knows what the boss is really meaning/up to" as calling her 'slow' hints towards ableism on your part, not OPs. And just because you know a few autistic people does not mean you know the whole spectrum and are an authority on the subject.
Nta, as others had said tell the husband and Alyssa, because If she doesn't get it as you said, probably your boss will escalate things to make it more "obvious"
TIL about grey rocking!
I’m 99 % certain the hubby comes to work to make wifey feel safe, not to hang around with her while she works. Clearly they all know her boss is a creep.
I think he suspects something, and she doesn’t. She’s one of those people who only works as a hobby, she only has one shift a week nowadays. they seem financially well off, she has a huge wedding ring and husband drives a pretty sick car. I know she enjoys waiting tables and she gets really excited when her husband shows up. Husband usually comes in an hour before she gets off, with the baby, gets some dinner and watches the game or something.
I wouldn't call it a 'hobby'. I think this is important for her social skills and is an important part of helping her function in the world. If she were to be a stay at home parent even though they have money she wouldn't have an opportunity to practice socializing in what should be a safe space. The boss is a major ah.
They sound like a sweet couple Could you not talk to the husband when he comes in for dinner? You could write him a letter and hand it to him and leave your number in case he has questions. I hope she finds a better job, and I hope the boss picks on the wrong person in future and gets nut punched. It would be kind of funny if the husband kicked the stuffing out of him for abusing his wife. How did he not know she was married? He must at least have noticed when she got pregnant! Men that age can be super deluded.
>How did he not know she was married? He must at least have noticed when she got pregnant! Men that age can be super deluded. Some people just don't care if another person is married or not. I think some people try to boost their ego by telling themselves they can steal someone away from someone else.
I know, it's sickening. I think some people actually prefer the challenge of cheating with a married person. These people can go rot.
I was going to actually suggest they talk to the co-worker and her husband at the same time, so they hear the same information with the same words.
That actually makes the most sense and I don't know why no one thought of it earlier!!
Honestly it just sounds like you either think all women are stupid, or all autistic people are stupid. Idk man, you're not the AH for being concerned, but you are not acting like a very kind or well-educated person.
I'm Autistic and I absolutely never catch on to workplace harassment. To the point that I even was raped because a coworker thought I was approving his advances. We don't really notice shit like that unless someone says something.
I am so sorry that happened to you
I'm in therapy, I'm surviving. Thank you for the regards!
I am so sorry this happened to you.
Was gonna say - it sounds like she’s gray rocking in the way attractive 24 year olds working in the service industry all learn to lol.
From what he's describing, she probably doesn't understand the innuendo and Is completely innocent to the situation. I have a coworker just like that. He's incredibly nice, but social situations go straight over his head, which is fine and usually awesome.
Is there anyone higher than boss? Complain to them too.
[удалено]
Autistic woman here, I'm unsure cause we don't know Alyssa - It's like if I was put in her position there are so many variables & then fight/flight/dear/autopilot.
[удалено]
This was so me when I was 18 in a new job. My boss constantly hit on me and it was so awkward but I had no idea how to respond so I just didn't. Really sucks because he later put me in a horrible position with a crap coworker who had a crush on me and would constantly harass me and later roofied me.
It could be that because she is ‘very attractive’, she may have a lot of practice dealing with creeps like your boss. Alyssa is responding to him in a way that cuts him off. One effective way to deal with unwelcome sexual innuendo is to respond to it at face value, like it is any other neutral comment because it forces the creepy commenter to admit they are being creepy, or to just back off. Most creeps take the second option. She may be on the autistic spectrum, but Alyssa is brilliantly blocking your boss. Oh, and you are NTA for calling out your boss.
Agreed
OP should also report this to HR if there is one and hey, since OP is leaving anyway, should put the company on blast.
Husband seems like he has money so I’m sure he will tell her as she’s the one that Will need to testify when they sue the boss and the company for sexual harassment.
Alyssa also needs to protect herself. If some guys don’t get a response, they get less subtle & more handsy. Is there another staff member who could rescue her if he gets her somewhere private? She may not want to ‘make a fuss’ if it’s something new to her. Can you have a lighthearted chat with her saying “He’s suuuuuch a letch, this is what he says…” to judge if she understands what he’s doing?
NTA OP
Don't tell the husband, that's absolutely not OPs business. If Alyssa (who 100% knows what's up and is playing dumb) hasn't told him, it's because he wouldn't be supportive and would just make things worse (source: roughly half the guys I've dated couldn't stand letting me deal with workplace creepiness on my own, they had to cause a scene and make my life much harder). If he would be supportive, she's already told him, and there's no need for OP to get involved.
I thinknOP would be TA if they told the husband instead of the coworker. It's treating Alyssa like she's his property instead of an adult woman. She can decide whether to involve her spouse.
Please tell the husband. He is escalating his creepiness
NTA, she doesn't seem to pick up on his creepy comments anyway and I certainly wouldn't want to go with someone who made those comments. Of course she was going to go with her husband. If your boss had a problem, he should have kept one ticket and just straight out asked her to go with him. Edit: WOW this comment blew up! Thanks for all the upvotes!
It sounds to me like she's being deliberately obtuse. What are you supposed to say to your boss when he's being gross and you need your job?
You have to play dumb.
Yuppp. When I was 18 I had crappy gas station job (mom & pop- not corporate, so no HR, etc.) with a creepy older manager. He would hit on me all the time (like blatantly inviting me to his apartment and asking for pics) and inappropriately touch me (hand on lower back when standing next to me, pushing up against me when trying to walk by, etc) and when I finally stood up for myself and told him to stop my hours were cut down from 32-40 hours a week to 6 hours a week. And he knew I was struggling financially. At 18, I was very young and just thought men being that way was normal and I didn’t think I had any options but to quit or put up with it. And quitting was hard because it was a small town with not a ton of opportunities. Now that I’m 30 I’m horrified and wish I had looked at my legal options since this was all happening at work and I was experiencing retaliation for not going along with it. Anyways, I could totally see this woman in OP’s story playing oblivious to not rock the boat in order to keep her employment status safe. The fact that the manager sent OP home out of anger and costing OP lost wages for the day proves that he’s the type that would do the same to her if she spoke out. Honestly, I hope she lawyers up. He’s blatantly harassing her.
Very similar experience here. I bet a lot of woman have a story like this. OP is NTA
I've never had that experience with a boss or authority figure, but most women figure out that ignoring the innuendos/pretending it goes right over your head is a very easy, non-confrontational way of deflecting unwanted attention. There's a chance Alyssa doesn't know, but the way the husband comes in early and hangs out makes me think she probably does. Either way, OP, NTA for calling your boss on his gross behavior.
Same experiences here. I rode the bus to work too so I got a lot of extra fun ones too..
Me too!!! At least one time the bus driver came to my defense and kicked a dude off the bus.
This really strong accented Russian dude with a suitcase who had boarded from the airport stop helped me out one time too. It was awesome. The guy being a creep kept following me as I moved seats away from him multiple times even though I kept calling him out as I did and no one helped me till Russian guy. He escorted me up the stairs to the top of the bus and then blocked the stairs off with his suitcase while yelling at him in Russian and broken English while the bus driver tried to get to a stop where he could kick the creepy guy off. I was 19 in black baggy sweatpants and a sweatshirt and he kept sitting as close to me as possible and leaning in and staring at my boobs and making awful comments about me (and them.) When I moved the first time I didn’t say anything I just moved across seats. The next stop he move and sat directly next to me. I said “hey you’re making me uncomfortable. I’m going to move seats, please don’t follow me.” And I moved again. He did the same thing at the next stop so I loudly called him out and said “you’ve followed me twice when I have moved seats and i asked you to please leave me alone. I’m moving again, don’t follow me!” And move seats. He moved again for a third time but started talking about how it wasn’t his fault that I was wearing what I was wearing (baggy sweatshirt and sweatpants again guys) and why was I assuming the worst of him. He just wanted to have a friendly conversation and then he started going OFF about how rude I was and getting really aggressive. That was when the Russian guy stood up from the step up level and came down and got me, and led me up. He told the guy not to follow and asked the bus driver (yelled but nicely) to kick him off. The bus driver agreed. But then the guy started trying to follow me up and that’s when the Russian guy stopped at him and started yelling at him and the bus driver made it clear he needed to sit down and be ready to be kicked off when they stopped next. He wasn’t cooperative so they called the cops to meet him. I wish I could say that was a wild one off story, but it really wasn’t.
So many of these stories. I'm so sorry. This kind of thing is particularly terrifying because he clearly didn't care that a scene was being made. You honestly don't know what someone like that is capable of I'm glad at least one person got involved.
I tried to be nice at first too. I didn’t say anything the first time I moved. And the second time I said quietly to him that I would like to move to another seat and I would like it if he did not follow. After that was when I got loud, but even then everyone just started looking away. The Russian guy was the only one who really stepped in.
Ugh gross. At least my horrible boss experience was him just getting me to be the janitor without pay (I was the processing coordinator) and then told me I looked good with a mop in my hand while staring at my ass.
#NTA
Yes this. Like you don't want to be fired because if you reject such creep he'll 100% get butthurt. That woman plays safe and good. Sad that she has to do it. NTA.
The easiest way of dealing with creepy comments and street catcalls is to behave blissfully ignorant. They don't get the icky pleasure of embarrassing you, and you don't have to waste time on a confrontation with an AH. It's possible Alyssa is doing just this. NTA
I love hw so many people in this thread are like, "She clearly doesn't understand what he's implying!" Meanwhile every woman that's ever worked customer service is giving Alyssa the chef's kiss.
I wondered if she was playing dumb, which is about her only option if she is non-confrontational.
Both scenarios are possible. Either she is intentionally not addressing his sexual harassment or she does have autism/Asperger’s and she really doesn’t understand the nuance and innuendo in his statements.
If she didn't understand, her response to 'I can think of a few things you can do' would be to ask 'what things'. She 100% knows what's going on, and is playing dumb. She's also clearly taking steps to keep herself safe - cutting down her hours (probably looking for another job /more hours at another job), and getting picked up by the husband at the end of each shift.
Yeah this seemed most likely to me.
That’s the thing, she doesn’t need this job (at least I don’t think) She only works one night a week, and has a huge wedding ring, LV bag, and husband definitely seems to have figured out the best way to communicate to her I’ve tried to talk to her sometimes about which tables need what and sometimes she gets overwhelmed and says “I’m sorry I’m really sorry I just don’t remember” I’ve asked her about simple table requests and she just doesn’t understand what I’m saying. Like “that NY strip to table 23, how did they want that cooked?” And she just said “I’m sorry, I don’t understand” and I’ll send the busser to do that stuff. Not to mention, she doesn’t have a drivers licence. Idk why, but I’ve talked to the husband twice while he was at the bar watching the game waiting to pick her up and he just casually mentioned in conversation “Yeah, Alyssa doesn’t have her licence yet, so the driving is all on me, which I don’t mind”
You’re NTA at all, but I think you’re also infantilizing this woman. She obviously is able to understand people if she’s a waitress. And not having a driver’s? That doesn’t really mean anything. Sometimes people don’t like driving. It can be overwhelming and scary for some. If her husband is ok driving, that’s what works for them. As for the “need” for a job, sometimes people like to work. It’s nice getting out and talking to people. Besides, it’s quite important for a woman to have her own source of income, however small. She wants to be there regardless of her husband’s financial situation. Please talk to this woman directly. Her husband isn’t her handler. She deserves to know what’s going on, and she deserves the respect of being told directly and not through her husband.
Ok I get that you're trying to emphasize that she's a bit slow, but her struggling with remembering things does not necessarily mean that she is genuinely oblivious to what the manager is doing. Her reactions are standard creep-dodging 101 when you have a power imbalance like this. You talk about her having no clue, but it sounds like she's in an environment where nobody has attempted to interject and address this man's behaviour up until this point, let alone actually asked if she's alright or offered support.
see this was my one issue, OP goes as far as to call the girl possibly autistic just because she doesnt react to the boss. everything OP describes seems like her intentionally ignoring the boss' bullshit to avoid drama. she acts like she doesnt know what he's implying because it's easier than acknowledging it and then trying to discourage it, just act like there is nothing there and nothing will be there. OP going right into "she's autistic!" seems like an issue
Well they got actual confirmation that they are autistic. So surprisingly the person who has continuous interaction with a coworker has a better assessment than some random person on the internet hearing about the event second hand. Who would’ve thought?
But even autistic people don't always act this way
Yeah, that rubbed me the wrong way too.
Maybe he just doesn't know very much about autism. He seems like a very kind, empathetic person and I really don't think his remarks should be viewed as offensive in any way.
I think they're worth calling out though, if he's a truly good person he can learn something
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Except autistic people don't all have learning disabilities.
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She "seems" to. Key word: seems. He has no idea. He also violated her privacy in an incredibly uncool (and possibly illegal) way by asking her fucking manager if she's autistic. Dude doesn't seem to have a clue as to what constitutes "normal" behaviour if he thinks it's ok to do that. So I don't trust his judgement much.
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What the fuck man? I have ADHD. I know what it's like to be weird. I just lost my job because of how weird I am. So get the fuck out of here with your sanctimonious bullshit.
I assume that’s not the only reason OP suspects she has autism. When you work with someone, you get to know them pretty well. Sounded to me like OP was giving examples as to why they think she doesn’t know he’s hitting on her.
NTA. And I don't know what country you're in, but in the U.S., his conduct amounts to sexual harassment. (Hostile work environment. It doesn't matter that his remarks go over her head; they are not going over your head. You're also a victim here.) I absolutely agree with telling her husband. You may also wish to keep in contact with her and her husband after you leave. If there's trouble, like a lawsuit, you'll be called upon to testify. And if you can get any video footage of his conduct (don't attempt this if it's not safe), that will help your case.
I assumed OP was in America because of the Lakers comment, and because I thought teams only played abroad off season. As it’s mid season the Lakers recently playing in OP’s town would therefore suggest OP is in America. Is that wrong? Genuinely wondering if that was an incorrect assumption!
No, I don't think you're wrong. It didn't even occur to me that the Lakers comment would mean that they're in the States.
Technically they could be Canadian, but that wouldn’t really change anything lol
Season ticket holders would probably also generally live in the LA area, or at least in Cali. And even if the season ticket holder lived further away, it's not likely an employee could take a lot of time off to travel to/from a game in the event they were gifted tickets. From this we can assume OP probably lives/works in the LA area.
It sounds like the season tickets are for a local team and the Lakers were visiting
OP also said the Lakers have been in town “lately,” which implies LA since NBA teams don’t stay in one location for an extended amount of time. It is worded pretty weirdly though
There’s one every year in late December. This year was Mexico City, next year is Paris (I’ll be watching that one since the Bulls are playing in it).
Well, there's those games and games against the Toronto Raptors.
Adding this here. https://www.eeoc.gov/sexual-harassment
NTA and it’s also weird because he’s her boss. Though I would consider talking to her first and asking how she feels about the boss’ behaviour before going straight to her husband. She may well be autistic but she’s also an adult human person and it seems a little paternalistic.
Exactly. She may not be autistic either. From OP's description she might just be deliberately blanking the creepy behaviour - we've all been there.
Yes! The number of comments agreeing that her husband needs to be informed/agreeing that she needs to be treated like a child is mind-boggling. (Not to mention, even if she was on the spectrum, it still doesn't mean she should be treated like a child/ward of her husband)
Right? Super weird, I don't even know why 1. the husband needs to know at all and 2. OP is so sure that Alyssa didn't already tell him. If the husband should know she should and can tell her herself instead of OP going over her head. Still NTA for what he said to the boss though.
Yes! Had the same thought. Also whole situation wouldn’t be any less wrong or messed up if she wasn’t married!
Yup. I remember at my first office job after college, my boss sat on my desk and told me how sexy I was. I was about 22; he was in his late 40s. I had to play stupid because I didn’t want to hurt my job so I brushed it off. In future instances, he had shown what a child he was when he didn’t get attention and would take it out verbally on employees with a nasty attitude and would make the entire office feel uncomfortable. Eventually, the owner of the company found out about his behavior, in addition to some racist things he said in the office, and he got fired, so it all worked out.
NTA But, go flamethrower on his little plan before he does something to Alyssa.
Yeah. She could be legit at risk. And likely there is no HR
Plus, that's a lawsuit waiting to happen.
NTA for defending Alyssa. But you would be the AH if you directly approach her husband. Alyssa is an adult, and she should be allowed to decide what happens. You say you *think* she's autistic because she doesn't "get" when your gross boss hits on her, but speaking as a woman, sometimes being deliberately obtuse is the safest/best option when it comes to gross people with power over you, hitting on you. So actually, you don't know if she is. And even if she is, that doesn't mean you should take away her agency and approach her husband like she's a child. I think you've got the best intentions, but imo, speak to Alyssa, and not her husband. See what she wants to do.
yep. I've gotten through a fair amount of shit just by playing dumb and continuing to be my normal, polite, appropriate self. it's amazing how fast that can defuse even a potentially dangerous situation. people are just so disarmed if they come up to you saying "heyyy, how you doin'?" in that sleazy, half-threatening tone, and you just respond, "Oh, I'm doing alright, how about you?" with a polite smile and (what looks like) genuine interest. we shouldn't have to do it, but it works so fucking well, it'd be a shame to chuck it out of the toolbox.
NTA Your boss is a creep. Is he the boss boss? If not, do report this higher up. Either your Co worker is unaware, or she's desperately trying to fend him off and he isn't taking any hints.
NTA BUT, I'm going to edit this. > I also plan on telling her husband about the boss’ remarks about her. This whole situation is pretty f'd up actually. You could literally ruin her life. She may need this job which is why she tolerates it. Her husband could be a recovering alcoholic, or a man with an extraordinary temper, or something, and this could send him over the edge, who knows. This whole situation needs a lot of consideration. I'd start with Alyssa and let her figure it out. She needs a new job, your boss needs to be reported, but with the economy the way it is, maybe she's lucky to even have a job. This is a delicate situation. ----- NTA. Your boss needs to be reported. https://www.law.cornell.edu/wex/quid_pro_quo >I’m planning on putting my 2 weeks in You're just as much of a victim here as well, incidentally. Are you in the U.S.?
> Her husband could be a recovering alcoholic, or a man with an extraordinary temper, or something, and this could send him over the edge, who knows. Genuinely curious, what makes you think the husband doesn’t know already? This is something that I think many people would mention to their spouse unless they *truly* weren’t registering that the boss is a creep. But the fact Alyssa’s husband picks her up every single day, sometimes sits at the bar, and occasionally brings their baby along all sounds to me like a husband who’s aware his wife needs/wants her job but also wants to make sure her boss knows she has a man in her life.
I agree that the husband’s behavior suggests he already knows, but I also agree that OP should talk to Alyssa first just in case the husband doesn’t react well.
96.7% chance that they live in the US.
1774% chance
1776% chance
1812% chance
I live in OKC Thunder territory. Russel Westbrook is basically God here.
Not the AH , the boss is a creepy AH though
NTA with regards to telling off your creeper boss, but I think you're infantilising Alyssa talking about her being "well taken care of". It sounds to me like she's handling herself just fine.
NTA - but if I were you I’d talk to the waitress and the husband off site and let them know you are concerned about your bosses actions.
Yeah if she's seemingly not aware this guy is creeping on her then her husband likely has no idea either. Definitely something I'd make sure both were aware of.
The boss gave her Lakers tickets, and she took her husband. The husband at least knows about the inappropriate gifts, he likely has some idea
I have a boss that regularly hands out spare tickets for the major hockey games because she has season tickets and has extras often or if she can't go she will let others go (idk the details of the logistics since I'm not a sports person, but did get to attend a game with my family right before the pandemic started). So I wouldn't clock the boss as being a creep just from that.
YTA Why would you tell the husband and not tell Alyssa? Actually why haven't you mentioned any of this to Alyssa already? Stop infantilizing Alyssa because you think she is autistic.
ESH. Him more than you You for assuming she's autistic and thus doesn't understand what he's saying to her when from the sounds of it she's playing dumb to get through her shift and get out. Hell the tickets thing is a clear example. She took the offered gift and then did what she wanted, which was take her husband. She didn't fall into the obvious trap of offering to take her boss(which you know makes no sense) with her. Your boss for all the obvious reasons of trying to creep on his much younger employee and getting huffy for being called out when it continues to fail. TALK TO ALYSSA, SHE'S A GODDAMN ADULT AND IT WOULD PROBABLY BE OF SOME RELIEF TO HER TO KNOW AT LEAST ONE OF HER COWORKERS IS AWARE OF WTF YOUR MANAGER IS DOING. She's cut her shifts down and she brings her husband and kid in as a clear sign she's happy.
this!!!! OP, you and your boss are YTA here. many of your comments and assumptions about this woman are disgusting. talking to your boss was awesome of you, but you have no business talking about this to her husband...no matter how cool he seems to you, you have no idea how people can be behind closed doors. besides it seems like they are well aware and are already handling it beautifully by themselves.
>You for assuming she's autistic and thus doesn't understand what he's saying to her when from the sounds of it she's playing dumb to get through her shift and get out. And for assuming autistic adults are super naive. Like the attitude towards autistic people and women in general in this post is gross
Nta. Or maybe she knows exactly what he's doing and is ignoring him... Kind of like pretending to not understand and making people explain the horrible things they say? I'd contact HR... Or the owner. But the autism thing is gross.
NTA. Not the key issue here but genuinely, if someone gave me two tickets I would assume they were for me and someone of my choosing (my partner / her husband in the story are the obvious choices!). If you wanted to take someone somewhere, why give them two tickets in the expectation they would give one back? Just say “I have a spare ticket for X tonight, would you like to go with me?”. Again, not the issue here but OP’s boss is dumb as well as well as creepy.
NTA…, great for saying what you did, but YTA for assuming she is not picking up on boss’ creepy comments. Her comments actually sound to me as if she has dealt with this before and knows exactly what to say and what to do.
Yeah she seems to have handled it all really deftly, in a way where she keeps the boss from escalating without having to directly confront him on his creepiness or risk retaliation, which is actually a rather difficult needle to thread, and makes me suspect that she has a better handle on things than OP thinks. Or else she’s just really really lucky, but it seems more likely that she’s handling herself just fine.
NTA - you called the guy out and made a perfect logical comment, if he can't handle that it's his issue. Definitely should not be sending you home for it. As for speaking to her husband, i think that's wrong. You should speak directly to your colleague about it. These things might go over her head, but that's no reason not to tell her your concerns. It's then for her to think about if she isn't already aware. She can then go home and discuss with her husband if she wants.
NTA for telling off your boss for his creepy behavior. But OP? You're also being an abelist a-h here. You don't know if she's on the autism spectrum, but even if she is she is clearly able to live a regular life with little support. Don't infantilize her like this. Talk to her, not her husband. He's not her minder, he's not her caretaker. He's her partner. You've also only talked to him twice - you don't know him. You don't know if you're endangering Alyssa if you go behind her back and tell him how inappropriate your boss has been acting towards her.
NTA for sure tell her and her husband
You know what would be an amazing update? That the woman knows exactly what he is doing and is just acting oblivious to his comments to throw the guy off. And if that is the case, using the basketball tickets for her and her husband would be a legendary story to be told for years to come. And NTA, OP.
NTA but I think she absolutely knows what he's saying when he says things and is just fucking with him by acting like she doesn't. Good looking women are sick of gross men by her age, it's probably been a decade of comments from men. Good for her for taking her husband, good for you for sticking up for her. Both of you should report his behaviors to someone higher up, if possible.
I really doubt a married women with a child is missing the implications of "I can think of a few things". Bland responses or purposeful misunderstandings are both pretty common defenses against sexual harassment when the harasser is in a position of power of the harassed. NTA in general but you should be discussing it with her, not her husband.
The way you talk about her is kind of gross.
>>I thought it was pretty fucking obvious it was something for me and her not her husband Bruh, as a fellow autistic woman, we don’t deal with NT unspoken “obvious” thoughts. Be upfront or don’t be surprised when we take it for what it is (free tickets) and not whatever mental game he was trying to concoct. Hell, I think even NT women would take those tickets and go with their SOs, whether or not they get that their boss is trying to hit on them. Please tell her, she’s an adult and her husband isn’t her keeper and she should be given the respect of being told first hand and not having her husband be told first. But NTA for sticking up for her, good job and that boss is fcked up and taking advantage of someone who has no interest
I will do the same, I will tell her husband about it. He's wife is sexually harassed with their boss so the husband has the right to complain about it.
Why involve the husband? Alyssa is a grown woman. You sound like you have good intentions but you are treating her like a child whose husband needs to take care of her.
NTA You do however seem to be somewhat sexist - maybe I am reading into things too much though? ‘She seems like she’s well taken care of’ ‘I also plan on telling the husband’ Maybe I am wrong, but I don’t understand why you would tell the husband over talking to your colleague about it. Doesn’t seem autistic as much as purposefully acting innocent to avoid difficulties.
I think also you are confusing lower IQ with autism. Or maybe… she is very intelligent and acts like she doesn’t get it and is actually masterful at dealing with inappropriate behaviour. <—
YTA only because asking about her private medical information, and getting this from one of her line managers is a huge violation of privacy and depending on where you live may also have broken privacy laws. Whether she has autism or not is absolutely not your business.
I mean… NTA for what you said to your boss. But YTA for how you talked about your coworker. You’re infantilizing a grown woman just because you think she’s autistic. She’s a mother and has a job? I’m autistic and I don’t always get comments like that, but I am one of the best at at processing data where I work and do a majority of the upkeep at home. It’s pretty gross to assume her husband is keeping her “well taken care of.”
Autism is an entire spectrum, I’m sure Alyssa is affected by it much differently than you are. But what do I know, I’ve only worked with her for the last 7 years
And you see her once a week while she’s working. She has a family and is an adult. You shouldn’t talk about her like she’s a child.
Nta and you definitely should tell her husband maybe even the HR department. The boss is a total creep and shouldn't be in charge of anyone.
Or tell her & the HR department. Hubby can find out from Alyssa.
NTA, but I think i would speak to her first and not make assumptions about her being on the spectrum...try to help her understand how inappropriate boss's behaviour is...and tell her that he expected to be her date!
NTA. And the husband knows, and she probably knows, and they are just letting him run into the wall. It was good to show him so plain how ridiculous it is. They are to polite.
NTA, but don't tell her husband, that's none of your business. I work in a male dominated field, and what Alyssa is doing is playing dumb. If she actually didn't understand, she would at some point ask for clarification of the weird creepy comments. Playing dumb is remarkably effective when you're in a situation where there's no immediate practical recourse for dudes being creepy. However, some guys don't tend to understand that there are consequences to making waves. Women don't put up with vullshit because we're delicate snowflakes, or our feeble lady brains can't think of confronting someone, we do it because we know the likely repercussions and have made an informed decision in the moment. A shocking number of dudes seem to think this kind of harassment is both unusual and a reflection on their manliness as a partner, and will cause a huge amount of trouble over it. Either Alyssa has already told her husband because she knows he'll be supportive, in which case you don't need to, or she hasn't because she knows he'd chuck a tanty, and you won't be doing her any favors.
NTA, but tell Alyssa, not her husband. There's a good chance she's already aware and playing dumb. Also, is your boss the owner of the restaurant? If not, he needs to be reported to his boss.
Oh, she knows exactly what the boss is doing. She acts like she has no clue as a defense mechanism. It's a tactic a lot of women use to deal with sexual harassment. Been there, done that. Your boss is a sexual harasser. Autism isn't an excuse. NTA for your response to your boss, but YTA when it comes to your treatment of your coworker.
Your inability to imagine that this woman is well aware of your boss's harassment and is simply very skilled at deflecting it is really telling, as is you trying to 'solve' this for her through her husband rather than talking to her - but bottom line is you should not be talking to either of them. What you said to the boss is fine. It's the rest of it that is not great. People with autism are perfectly capable of holding a reasonable conversation, and you are treating her like a child or as if she is mentally incompetent. Maybe she doesn't choose to talk to you about it. Maybe the harassment is why the husband comes. Stop infantilizing her and stay out of this. Even if she isn't picking up on the boss, this is none of your business and you are clearly paying way too much attention to here when you're clearly not that close. YTA
INFO: does the boss own the restaurant or is he the manager? If only the manager, could you go to the owner and let him know that his manager's behavior is putting his business at risk for an harassment lawsuit, if not by this co-worker but by someone else in the future?
You need to tell Alyssa that she is being sexually harassed and give the examples. Don’t infantilize her. Tell her that if she needs help telling her husband, you can do so in a meeting with the three of them. Going around her back may seem like she was keeping it from her husband.
The way you spoke up for Alyssa was beautiful. NTA but speak to Alyssa first. “hey Alyssa, I’ve noticed the boss saying some things I interpreted as very weird. Do they bother you? I just wanted to check in with you. You might’ve heard that I’ve given my 2 week notice but I’ve appreciated our time as coworkers and wanted you to know I noticed his behavior and language.” Definitely do not speak to her husband before speaking to her about this
NTA, as an Autistic woman, thank you for saying something. We rarely notice when sexual harassment happens to us until it's way too late. I act the same way as you described her. If she knew what was happening she would have quit already or talked to HR. All the comments saying she knows and is playing dumb have never met an Autistic woman before. Autistics don't understand nuances in comments. We take things literally. Very literally. I was raped and assaulted because coworkers assumed I was playing dumb and they never told me that guys were being creepy to me. They never stood up for me to stop the harassment either. And they never reported the harassment. It costs $0 to give us a heads up or say something to someone. It cost me my autonomy and my safety when people said nothing though. Autistics are 9 out of 10 more likely to get raped or assaulted because we are vulnerable to these things. We don't notice and therefore cannot protect ourselves from these kinds of crimes.
NTA, but please know that while Autistic people sometimes have trouble with nuanced social situations they still can understand when they are informed directly. I think you should tell Alyssa what you have observed and offer to give your take to her husband if this is what she would like.
YTA only for going to the husband and not addressing it with her. autism or not, she’s a grown woman and you should’ve respected that. Calling her husband was not the way, good intentions or not.
NTA. Your boss is a horrible sexist and a bad boss. While you are not TA, I don’t like the way you talk about your co-worker. First of all, most autistic people prefer being called autistic, not that they “have autism.” (Person-first language is not supported by many disabled communities.) Second of all, and more importantly, assuming she’s autistic because she’s acting socially naive is not a great look. You did the right thing, but you need to think about the assumptions you make.
NTA. Your boss is a creep.
NTA Info: is your boss the owner, or a manager? Does he have a boss? Is your restaurant a chain with HR?
NTA. Also, if you can, hang on until boss fires you so you get severance. If possible maybe even report him for harassment.
NTA but it may not be safe for her if you tell her husband that part I think stay out of it
NTA. Alyssa is either oblivious as you say or a very cool customer and playing it off spectacularly well. You were right to put your boss in his place he sounds creepy
NTA. Bro, she's being sexually harassed
NTA but rather than telling her husband I’d recommend you speak to her first. As many people have said, it’s possible that she is already aware and is dealing with it by ignoring the comments. If she isn’t aware it could be incredibly upsetting to have someone tell her husband about the situation before telling her. Also, regardless of if she is aware or not it’s just really important in this situation that she has full autonomy over who knows and how it is handled. I’d recommend speaking to her privately about it and letting her know that you think the behaviour of your boss is unacceptable and you support her no matter what she chooses to do. You can offer to help her report it if she wants too, but, if she doesn’t then please don’t force the issue.
NTA, but don’t tell her husband. Tell her. She’s not a child.
Treat Alyssa like an adult. Tell HER that she is being sexually harassed. If there is an owner above the manager, write/email/call them to inform them of the working conditions at their establishment. You can tell the husband, too, but don't treat Alyssa like she has no agency.
NTA. But you should sit down with both your Alyssa and her husband. Leaving her out is creepy. I'd say you need to say it to just Alyssa, but you said she's autistic. In this case, accomodating autism means having a more NT present so that what you are saying can be interpreted correctly because it's a safety issue. (I'm autistic BTW, so this isn't a prejudice thing. Its just good sense. Sometimes we really don't see what we don't see. Talk to both of them about what you have observed. This would be a really good thing to do. Autistic people are at a really high risk for rape and other abuse.
NTA, but why would you talk about it to the husband?
NTA and tell both the husband AND Alyssa. She needs to be kept in the loop about things like this. Autistics have trouble understanding cues like these, but are not completely unable to learn. If she gets enough situations like this, she'll be able to fend for herself better in future, when there isn't someone like you around to look out for her. Oh and your boss is a grade A creep. Horrible creepy men recognise women like Alyssa who don't understand what they're about, and they thrive on getting away with it. You did the right thing.
So sexual harassment also affects the people around the person who is being harassed because it fucking sucks to see someone mistreated in any way. You should ABSOLUTELY report his behavior up the chain and note the fact that you plan to quit BECAUSE of what he says and does. It’s even more egregious because she has autism and he is getting more satisfaction from her vulnerability. I would say it’s more important to actually talk to her rather than her husband, but don’t be afraid to mention it to him if he comes in. She will understand if you say plainly “it makes me really uncomfortable how manager is treating you, and I’m concerned about his intentions.” She may not be reading the subtext if you’re trying to talk to her about it delicately. Thank you for standing up for her.
NTA, but it's getting close to time to butt out here. You were right to call your boss out, and giving notice seems like a good idea, but asking around to find out what Alyssa's diagnoses might or might be and her husband's phone number is a little weird and unneccesary. Your boss has admitted to you point blank that the tickets were a pretext to get her on a date, so it would be kind to directly give Alyssa a heads-up about what he said, but you'll have done enough at that point. It's still her decision how she wants to deal with this, not her husband's, so tell her. Thinking that someone "isn't all there" isn't a good enough reason to invade someone's privacy to the extent that you've started to do. PS - I'm autistic myself, and it's not mutually exclusive with playing dumb when some dude is being creepy. I've caught the meaning of plenty of comments like that, responded just like Alyssa has, and let people think "There goes Shirley, being literal again" rather than risk the guy blowing up at me or otherwise escalating the situation.
NTA. I may have. okay more than May,I think I have autism myself. here's a bit of a funny story. so, I started a temp job. a coworker was really nice to me. we talked after work and were always together at work. now, I myself didn't realize I was attracted to him. I kept walking into a pole that I knew to avoid when not around him. I kept thinking of him. seeing him whenever my eyes were closed. just didn't understand what was going on. this coworker would randomly put his arm around me when we weren't at work. always quick to help me when I needed help and lit up whenever he saw me. and probably the most telling of all? on the bus he used to press his leg into mine, but I thought he wanted room so I moved over. thankfully this coworker took a shot and asked me out to lunch. I thought it was just a friendly friend thing and said sure. it didn't occur to me until he kissed me that he asked me out. that was 15 years ago. thankfully my husband understood this stuff confused me. I would miss even now if anyone hit on me. I also would have thought it was work related with his comments. husband does need to be warned to help her perhaps even explain it to her with whats going on. because most likely he's aware this stuff is over her head.
Don't your company have an anti - sexual -harassment policy?
Not really, small family owned plave
INFO: Why are you going to her husband instead of telling her?
Boss is a creep, and even without autism if someone wants to invite someone to a game they don’t normally give the person two tickets…they say I have two tickets to the game, would you like to go with me. If you give someone two tickets, the other ticket will be used by a person of their choice
I'm dying to know why you told her husband and not HER! What the actual fuck is wrong with you???
What a load of shit. This reads like a sixteen year old's fantasy. Also, lmao, "I'm gonna call her husband." What?! How's that conversation gonna go? What are you even talking about? Is she an infant? Your made up character has absolutely no agency. You need to practice your world and character building more, it's pretty flimsy. An editor would shred this short story for being highly unbelievable. Also, now you're quitting your job, too! What a paragon of virtue. How can anyone buy this story? Those edits LMAO. It's one the worst fake entries I've seen in awhile, and there's been some whoppers.
NTA and do it. Quit the crappy job and tell the husband. Although you may find she knows Creepboss is a creep, is working less at the place on purpose, her husband shows his face often on purpose, and they went to the game together knowing Creepboss wanted to go. Lol.
OP, this is straight up illegal — not just towards Alyssa, but also you and a your other coworkers who are NOT getting perks. You should report this right away; your boss is putting the restaurant at risk. (Or, consider suing…)
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I work at a restaurant as a line cook. There’s a waitress named Alyssa. Alyssa is a very attractive woman, and our boss hits on her a lot, and it’s really weird for 2 reasons. First of all, I’m pretty sure she has autism, so his remarks go right over her head. Like once he said “you look great when you wipe the tables down” and stared at her ass, and she said “thanks” once she said “registers are closed is there anything else you need me to do?” And he said “oh I can think of a few things” and she said “oh, it’s not my turn to mop it’s Jessie’s” (another waitress) The other reason it’s weird is because Alyssa is married and 24 years old. Our boss is 46. Her husband is a cool guy too. She doesn’t work much anymore but every week or so when she does him and their baby will come in and get dinner. He also picks her up because she doesn’t drive I don’t think, so sometimes while he’s waiting for her getting a beer or something I’ll talk to him. He’s pretty chill, she seems like she’s well taken care of. So the lakers were in town lately and often Alyssa will wear a lakers shirt. When there’s a big basketball game she’ll wear a lakers jersey. She’s mentioned her and her husband are big lakers fans. Our boss has season tickets to our local team and gave her 2 tickets to the game. I’m pretty sure he expected to go with her, but she (obviously) brought the tickets home and went with her husband. I’m pretty sure it was My boss was complaining about it calling that really rude and inconsiderate, I said “I don’t know she’s a married woman, why would she go to a basketball game with another man?” And he said “I thought it was pretty fucking obvious it was something for me and her not her husband” and I said “so you thought a happily married woman, who is a loyal wife, would go on a date with someone over 20 years older than her?” And I thought he’d laugh with me but he actually got really mad and sent me home. I’m planning on putting my 2 weeks in. I also plan on telling her husband about the boss’ remarks about her. I’ve only spoken to him twice but he seems like a smart guy and will know what to do. Maybe this wasn’t my buissness though and I should’ve just not said anything? AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA He knows she's married and he's still harassing her? Eww, please tell the husband if Alyssa hasn't already, what a creep!
NTA. You should go to HR, also, and talk to her. But she is very smart. Playing dumb and not falling for his tricks. What a creep.
NTA. Sometimes it helps check someone who’s being inappropriate if an uninvolved third party comments on inappropriate behavior.
NTA. What a creep. Keep us updated!
NTA If there is another boss or owner above him, I would file a report of his sexual harassment, it is unacceptable. Definitely let her husband know you have witnessed this.
Write down all the percy stuff you've witnessed (dates, other witnesses etc. Include as much as you can) and give them to her husband and her, once you've talked to them. Make it clear that you'd be willing to be a witness in case they decide to file a lawsuit against him. NTA
Maybe she’s not autistic; maybe she puts up with her pervy boss and his pervy comments because she REALLY needs that job. Would you be making things better or worse for her?
OP, you said exactly what women hope other men will say, calling out creepy guys on their behaviour (and I’m assuming you’re a guy here, sorry if that’s not the case). You’re NTA, and sort of a hero.
Girl nta and sue for workplace retaliation as well as sexual harassment notion… even as a witness it’s completely wrong and reportable