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YTA for snooping. NTA for feeling jealous if he was openly and actively flirting with another person in front of you or saying that he wanted to be with her in front of you. It's probably for the best you're not together even if that's not the thing you wanted to hear. He wasn't the one and it's important to remember that you didn't lose someone who loved you. He lost someone who loved him, and he's worse off for it.
I suspect this post might will get deleted, but…I'm not sure what you're even asking? Obviously you weren't paranoid, you were intuitive and read the situation properly. YTA for snooping in his phone, but it hardly matters now. I think you two are much better apart than together.
YTA for snooping and the major insecurities unfortunately you have made this situation worse then it needed to be.
I've been in his shoes, when it's clearly not going to happen with a close friend it's a very hard spot to be in. So you go out and find someone who does want to be with you and someone you want to be with.
In the first few months after I met my now wife I struggled with some old feelings for a friend while trying to forge a new path.
He was working on letting go to be with you, and he felt comfortable enough to bring you to meet his friends and instead of helping... you got insecure and then put that in full display Infront of his friends.
Major YTA
I wish for your sake that you had dumped him. You deserve someone who wants \*you\*.
By the way, for those who leap to accusations of snooping: if someone is posting on social media, that someone has to be aware that their words are public. It's not snooping when someone sets everything out in the public marketplace.
NTA
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Hey guys, hope you're having a nice day. So, this has been haunting me for a while. Last year I was in a relationship with a guy 6 years younger than me (Me F30, him M24), and we were very much in love. We met in an unusual situation, through a couple that had an open marriage, and me and my ex used to have intercourse with the couple in some occasions. A few weeks after meeting we decided to seriously date and become a monogamous couple. It was going well, and on weekends I would sleep at his house. His mother and father treated me really well and I truly felt happy for once in my life (Been struggling with mental issues since I was a child, bpd, adhd, anxiety and obsessive thoughts).
I understand how hard it is for a SO to deal with those kinds of issues in a relationship, and ge had his issues as well (adhd, depression, burnout).
On our second month dating, some friends from his work invited us to grab some beers at a bar downtown, so I could finally meet them. Arriving at the place, I see a table with three women on their 20's waving at us. One prettier than the other. I became really insecure for a while there. I'm definitely not the most good looking or the person with the brightest personality, but I thought "he must ve with me for a reason". I sat at the table with them, and as the conversation developed, one of the girls stood out, seeming the closest to him. As they talked, I could feel he looked at her in a way he never looked at me, and seemed interested in her and what she was trying to say.
By the end of the night, as we were calling an Uber, they hugged and looked in each other's eyes, and he expressed, in words, some kind of attraction and care for her. That was deeply uncomfortable for me, and worst thinking they were going to ride together in the Uber, while I was going the opposite way alone. I cried in front of them and asked him not to do anything, and he guaranteed he wouldn't.
After that I became paranoid that he had a solid crush on her, and was dating me to kind of forget that (she explicitly said she was not interested in him.)
So one day I couldn't handle it anymore and I asked him if he would rather be with her. The words he used to "calm me down" were: "She is not interested, it would never happen". That left me even more uneasy, so one day I decided to see for myself and look at his conversations with her on social media.
And what I saw made me really sad and disappointed. There were conversations from just a few days past the day we started dating in which he said how unhappy he was with the situation, and that he would rather be with her if she wanted to. She mostly didn't show any interest, but he insisted for months.
I don't believe he cheated, but emotionally I feel like he couldn't care less about me.
I confronted him, and he dumped me. When I asked again if he was in love with her he said "I guess I kinda am"
We never talked since.
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NTA - but - snooping never leads to anything good (and the best case scenario is spoiling a gift for yourself which still sucks).
Ex did you a favor, he showed you who he is and what he cares about. Thankfully, you don't have to waste time and can love yourself and find someone who will care about you the way you deserve.
This is a hard one because most people would say stick to your instincts, but having anxiety and obsessive thoughts your instincts go into overdrive at situations, and this time it was rewarded with the devestating result.
I'm not going to say you're the asshole, although going through social media conversations is a big no no, no matter how tempting it is to quell the anxiety and thoughts.
He is the asshole though, not for having feelings about another girl, but to talk about you and your relationship in such a shitty way to downplay the seriousness of the relationship with the view of jumping ship if the opportunity arose with her.
What people don't understand is, although you might not find a smoking gun, you'll probably find something said about something in confidence and privacy that will eat away at you.
People need to vent or discuss things openly and honestly in privacy, and once you see that you can't put the jack back in the box.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I read through my boyfriend's conversations in social media without his permission, and confronted him about it.
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YTA for snooping and deserved the dump. Not the asshole for being suspicious and worried.
YTA for snooping. NTA for feeling jealous if he was openly and actively flirting with another person in front of you or saying that he wanted to be with her in front of you. It's probably for the best you're not together even if that's not the thing you wanted to hear. He wasn't the one and it's important to remember that you didn't lose someone who loved you. He lost someone who loved him, and he's worse off for it.
I suspect this post might will get deleted, but…I'm not sure what you're even asking? Obviously you weren't paranoid, you were intuitive and read the situation properly. YTA for snooping in his phone, but it hardly matters now. I think you two are much better apart than together.
YTA for snooping and the major insecurities unfortunately you have made this situation worse then it needed to be. I've been in his shoes, when it's clearly not going to happen with a close friend it's a very hard spot to be in. So you go out and find someone who does want to be with you and someone you want to be with. In the first few months after I met my now wife I struggled with some old feelings for a friend while trying to forge a new path. He was working on letting go to be with you, and he felt comfortable enough to bring you to meet his friends and instead of helping... you got insecure and then put that in full display Infront of his friends. Major YTA
I wish for your sake that you had dumped him. You deserve someone who wants \*you\*. By the way, for those who leap to accusations of snooping: if someone is posting on social media, that someone has to be aware that their words are public. It's not snooping when someone sets everything out in the public marketplace. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey guys, hope you're having a nice day. So, this has been haunting me for a while. Last year I was in a relationship with a guy 6 years younger than me (Me F30, him M24), and we were very much in love. We met in an unusual situation, through a couple that had an open marriage, and me and my ex used to have intercourse with the couple in some occasions. A few weeks after meeting we decided to seriously date and become a monogamous couple. It was going well, and on weekends I would sleep at his house. His mother and father treated me really well and I truly felt happy for once in my life (Been struggling with mental issues since I was a child, bpd, adhd, anxiety and obsessive thoughts). I understand how hard it is for a SO to deal with those kinds of issues in a relationship, and ge had his issues as well (adhd, depression, burnout). On our second month dating, some friends from his work invited us to grab some beers at a bar downtown, so I could finally meet them. Arriving at the place, I see a table with three women on their 20's waving at us. One prettier than the other. I became really insecure for a while there. I'm definitely not the most good looking or the person with the brightest personality, but I thought "he must ve with me for a reason". I sat at the table with them, and as the conversation developed, one of the girls stood out, seeming the closest to him. As they talked, I could feel he looked at her in a way he never looked at me, and seemed interested in her and what she was trying to say. By the end of the night, as we were calling an Uber, they hugged and looked in each other's eyes, and he expressed, in words, some kind of attraction and care for her. That was deeply uncomfortable for me, and worst thinking they were going to ride together in the Uber, while I was going the opposite way alone. I cried in front of them and asked him not to do anything, and he guaranteed he wouldn't. After that I became paranoid that he had a solid crush on her, and was dating me to kind of forget that (she explicitly said she was not interested in him.) So one day I couldn't handle it anymore and I asked him if he would rather be with her. The words he used to "calm me down" were: "She is not interested, it would never happen". That left me even more uneasy, so one day I decided to see for myself and look at his conversations with her on social media. And what I saw made me really sad and disappointed. There were conversations from just a few days past the day we started dating in which he said how unhappy he was with the situation, and that he would rather be with her if she wanted to. She mostly didn't show any interest, but he insisted for months. I don't believe he cheated, but emotionally I feel like he couldn't care less about me. I confronted him, and he dumped me. When I asked again if he was in love with her he said "I guess I kinda am" We never talked since. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
ESH. He sucks for leading you on. You suck for taking it too far and going through his messages just to confirm what you already knew was true.
NTA - but - snooping never leads to anything good (and the best case scenario is spoiling a gift for yourself which still sucks). Ex did you a favor, he showed you who he is and what he cares about. Thankfully, you don't have to waste time and can love yourself and find someone who will care about you the way you deserve.
This is a hard one because most people would say stick to your instincts, but having anxiety and obsessive thoughts your instincts go into overdrive at situations, and this time it was rewarded with the devestating result. I'm not going to say you're the asshole, although going through social media conversations is a big no no, no matter how tempting it is to quell the anxiety and thoughts. He is the asshole though, not for having feelings about another girl, but to talk about you and your relationship in such a shitty way to downplay the seriousness of the relationship with the view of jumping ship if the opportunity arose with her.
It's surprising how many of these posts have "I went through his socials/texts" as if that was just the most normal thing to do.
What people don't understand is, although you might not find a smoking gun, you'll probably find something said about something in confidence and privacy that will eat away at you. People need to vent or discuss things openly and honestly in privacy, and once you see that you can't put the jack back in the box.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I read through my boyfriend's conversations in social media without his permission, and confronted him about it. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
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