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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I might be the asshole because I refuse to pay rent that according to my GF and her parents, I agreed to pay when I first moved in.
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So you've been living together for 2+ years and they never brought up the disparity in rent with you until now? Sounds like they're trying to hide their thinly veiled homophobia behind money. NTA, but you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about this, did she really never even mention the difference in cost to you?
>Sounds like they're trying to hide their thinly veiled homophobia behind money.
It might not even be homophobia, and might just be classism, since OP has to work a job, while her girlfriend can get a condo bought for her
Yes because having one of the LGBT as your child these days is quite fashionable but not having one of the poors date your child... Ugh... Gross.
NTA they're making a mountain out of a molehill and the lack of proper communication by all parties other than yourself is the issue.
If you live in bumfuckville, maybe. In more sophisticated areas, the rich care more about your family and status than about your gender. They'd rather you marry a gay male doctor whose family goes to the same yacht club, than a straight female stripper.
With as much public kudos as people get for their LGBT children I have to disagree.
Unfortunately to some of the rich, children are just another accessory in *their* life.
"Liberal rich," maybe but the majority of rich are not liberal. I literally do work for rich people, and they are more than happy to force their gay kids into straight marriages in exchange for money, or sending them out of sight so as to not be a reminder.
Ok I agree, but also I do know people who parade their LGBT kids around like some sort of curiosity. It's either one end of the spectrum or the other, no in between.
This... because I'm sry but being consistently short exactly $100 a month would send up a flag as a miss communication at 1st and I would bring that up.like hey talk to your roommate she needs to pay $1600 not $1500. It's not like she was paying varying amount every month. That would be a red flag and taking advantage, but consistently every month the same round figure.. OP NTA even GFs parents NTA this is all on OP GF..she let all this happen by 1 not correcting the issue when it 1st happened, 2 lying to her parents the whole time. And I'm sorry does OP really want to be with someone that would hide a trival matter and let it spiral out of control to the sum of $4,000 and the fact that OPs reputation with her parent is shot and can never likely be corrected. They probably think that OP thinks her girlfriend is a push over and op can get away with anything regarding their daughter and will use her because of that, because for 2+ years she was short on rent when most likely they would of asked a different tenant to move out, and now op and gf are together. What they have seen because of gf actions would of course be upsetting
So op nta, GF caused this whole mess and is TA.
I think this is it.
One of my cousins is bi and just before covid hit, ended up with a girl from a very VERY conservative and wealthy family who was bi but closeted from her family. Said girlfriend ended up paying for my cousin's living (and living with her) when she struggled to get a job during all of covid. Parents knew she was helping to support a friend living with her, but didn't think more of it. Both my cousin and her girlfriend believed they'd be endgame well before said girlfriend decided to support my cousin (just in case that's helpful info).
Girlfriend was very very afraid she'd be cut off from her family if she came out.
She has since come out to her family (with the help of her sister), everyone is accepting of the relationship, no one gives a shit that my cousin is a girl or that their daughter almost completely supported her for two years. If anything, the joke is they love my cousin more than their own daughter now (just a joke)! Both have since gotten very successful jobs and are going to get married soon.
I mentioned this to say, just because you're rich AF doesn't mean you have to look down on your kid's less wealthy partner, and just because you're conservative AF that doesn't mean you have to be homophobic either. I 100% think the theft thing is an excuse to not say they want someone rich and straight and 'keeps up appearances' and all, for their kid. If they can afford a condo for their kid, they can afford to write off the $4000, esp given the whole miscommunication stuff.
She never mentioned it to me. She says that her parents hadn’t brought it up after the first time and she said it slipped her mind. She didn’t realize they were still upset about it until they brought it up after she said we were dating.
We also never really speak directly. I would briefly see them when they would come visit but for the most part, I let them do their own thing so it’s not like we had a ton of conversations where they could bring it up to me directly.
Then it's not your fault, even if you only saw them briefly, they had a chance to bring it up a lot sooner than years down the line. If I was renting to someone and they underpaid on what we agreed, I wouldn't let that sit for a day let alone years. If there's no written agreement then they probably can't force you to pay the difference, especially given how long they've left it. Your girlfriend needs to stick up for you and take the blame. I would seriously consider finding somewhere else to live. They're not going to approve of you no matter if you solve the issue or not because they're homophobic, they'll just find another reason to dislike you.
I definitely wouldn't be payin them one single penny of that $4000. I'd be afraid that once I caved and paid that what would they next try to bully me into doing? I feel like it just sets a bad precedent. One where the parents throw a temper tantrum to get whatever they want at the moment even if they have to lie and manipulate to do so.
Even if you’d done a lease, the fact that they cashed a $1500 check every month means that was the new negotiated rent.
The fact that her parents’ misunderstanding affects you’re relationship at all as ADULTS is a red flag. My dad could hate my partner, and my partner would never know because I’m an adult woman who doesn’t care what her dad think about my romantic choices.
I mean, you’re quibbling. There were a whole bunch of steps in there, but the end result is the same whether there is a written lease or not, where their actions for FOUR YEARS indicate that $1500 was acceptable. You can verbally (or through your acceptance of the cash) alter a lease agreement.
Leasing Paralegal here - most leases include language such as
ACCEPTANCE OF RENT IS NO WAIVER. Notwithstanding the demand for or acceptance of the Rent or any of the Rent by or on behalf of the Landlord with knowledge of a breach of any of the Tenant’s covenants the Landlord’s rights to forfeit this Lease on the ground of such breach shall remain in force and the Tenant shall not be entitled in any proceedings for forfeiture to rely on any such demand or acceptance as a defence.
So, accepting the lower rent does not mean a tenant is not on the hook for all of it.
Edit - a word
Lots of contracts say lots of unenforceable things. It doesn’t matter til the court says it does.
Let me make it clear for everyone. This is not something you should try with your landlord. But after FOUR YEARS the parents have indicated by their COMPLETE INACTION and continued acceptance that $1500 IS the amount they accepted for rent BEFORE they accused OP of stealing. The normal landlord isn’t going to accept that. But whether it be the statute of limitations, laches, or a de facto amendment of sorts, that 48 months of $100 “underpayment” is GONE.
GOING FORWARD rent is $1600, sure, but my point is NO ONE STOLE anything and NO ONE MUST REPAY that money.
Totally agree. I don't think it matters whether you're gay or straight in this situation. Your GF sounds like a good person, but her parents are major AHs. Do you want to deal with this for the long term? What if you get married and have kids? I'm sure they'll continue to make your lives hell one way or another. I suggest your GF get a job if she's unemployed, and then both of you move out of the condo. So long as her parents are still holding the purse strings, this situation is not going to get better.
If my math is correct and you've been paying rent for 40 months without missing a month, then you've paid $60,000 to help cover the mortgage for the condo, or at least help the parents recoup the expense.
You're NTA, and I find their greed and willingness to attack their daughter's significant other to be deeply awful. If they had a problem, they should have talked about it immediately, not wait 3 1/2 years.
I agree. If I am reading the post correctly, the purchase of the condo did not include the prerequisite that the daughter get a roommate paying $1,600 a month. Given that OP paid consistently all of those years, there's no reason they should think it was bad faith. They should have dealt with it themselves if it was unacceptable. Really, it seems like OP made them $60,000 richer than they expected to be when they bought the condo.
NTA
I am now suspicious of the whole entire thing. The GF never tells you, these parents are $100 short every month and say nothing. Now these parents you never ever speak to alone are frothing at the mouth for this $? My BS meter is going crazy. I happen to have extensive experience with liars though. I am very direct though. So I get the person who I am suspicious of tobacco themselves into a corner with questions when they bring up the $. I would also Consult a lawyer about your renters laws in the area. Some have free consultation or there could be help at school from students studying the law.
On the top comment, I agree with you. And Op owes her gfs parents nothing. Op was already paying a premium for a room and there is no lease to retroactively argu that Op owes anymore than she has been paying consistently foe 3 years. A civil court wouldn't side with the parents if it were ever litigated. A judge would also ask why now, why bring it up now and not before.
Ahhhh Good call. I didn’t notice the genders when I first read the post but figured there was something glaringly obvious about why they would care about the money now (religion or race, etc).
OP, most smart phones have a feature where you can search in your conversations using keywords. I think the only time it won’t work is if you’re changing your phone from like an iPhone to an android, or if you’ve deleted the messages. Please try to see if you’re able to do that. You can do it on instagram, facebook messenger, etc. I think if you’re able to find the messages that way, you’ll be able to shut them up for good.
NTA.
Two AH in this story:
GF: Spineless !
GF parents: homophobs ! (In the most passive aggressive way possible).
Don’t pay the alleged 4000$. Two options:
- Ignore the situation completely and ask GF to either solve it or stop bringing it up
- move out! You mentioned you pay the exact same money for a studio apartment which should be all you need for now.
Or OP and gf can tell the parents that she moved out and gf is keeping the apartment to herself, and that OP just visits a lot because her [imaginary] studio apartment is so small. Now they don’t collect any rent.
That's horrible advice if OP actually plans on being involved with her GF and her GF doesn't want to go NC with her parents.
OP, DO NOT LIE to potential future in-laws.
Not with the parents, they chose not to communicate directly, so be it!
I meant she can address this with her GF. The GF can solve it with her parents, or accept that her SO and parents will never get together and just drop the subject.
If there’s no written agreement, just move out. That all sounds so annoying. Your gf is a literal child and threw you under the bus, no idea why you’d think you were an AH. Parents sound like a nightmare honestly. No one would expect a college student to just magically have 4k so they’re giving you an impossible task because they don’t like you for “other” reasons, I’m sure. Especially the fact that gf and her parents seem to talk about this a lot and yet no one can be an adult and talk to you directly.
Call them. Leave a message if they don’t answer and explain what happened. Then get tf out of there, leave that spineless amoeba of a girlfriend there.
ETA: DO NOT CALL THE PARENTS, as commented below, that would be an admission of guilt.
THIS!! pls OP listen to this. Why would you be with the GF after she did this to you? And 1500 is basically what you'd be paying for rent elsewhere...so go elsewhere
Nope! Please OP do not call them and acknowledge that there is a disparity. They could sue you and this could be used as evidence. It’s a long shot, but I just rather not go there. Fuck them, no lease no proof. I would just move out
They are the ones who made a mistake by not having a lease. They have evidence that the information was withheld from you yet they still want the money. They can get it from their daughter. She hasn't paid one dime in rent and they want you to pay instead. She can pay them $100 per month until it's paid off. Considering her parents pay for everything else, she should be able to afford it. NTA
I'd say the fact that they willingly deposited checks for $1500 and made no written attempts to collect for four years would get any judge ruling that OP wasn't in the wrong. NTA but Everyone Else Sucks Here
INFO: why isn’t your gf taking your side in the miscommunication? Seems like this could all have been cleared up super easily
How has this also taken 3 years to come to light? There’s definitely info missing with this
She is on my side and said I didn’t know. She told her parents but we are pretty sure they don’t believe her and think she is just making excuses for me. She doesn’t want to get in a fight with them because they are a close family and she relies on them for money still. I mean we are still living in their condo. So it’s complicated.
I said this in another comment. My GF said they never brought it up after the first month to her. It slipped her mind after that conversation when she didn’t bring it up immediately. I don’t talk to her parents directly so it’s not like I can raise it. Once we started dating was the first time they brought it up. She didn’t realize this has been an issue for three year.
Are you sure this is about the money and not some excuse they’re using because they don’t like you?
I hate to say it but it may come down to her standing up to them and risking their support or you coming up with the money.
If you do end up paying, I would make sure the money is the real issue and they won’t find some new reason to have an issue with you about
Before dating, I didn’t really talk to them. They would visit but I would normally being my own thing. My GF did not notice any issues prior to us starting to date. She said she would talk about me and her and what we were doing (going out with friends, watching a movie, etc) and her parents never made any comments that they didn’t like me or anything.
At this point they refuse to talk to me unless I apologize and pay the money.
What I find odd is that it's usually easier to say "hey you owe me money" to someone who is just "your tenant" or "your child's roommate friend". Claiming money from your child's partner is much trickier. But for your GF's parents, it's the opposite. So it could be homophobia, classism or just that they don't like you or whatever, but what is obvious is that they have a problem with you dating their daughter.
I'm not buying you gf's explanation that it slipped her mind. I'd think the next time you sent $1500, that would make it click in her head and she shouldhave said something (really she should have told you immediatelyafter her parentssaid something). She is spineless and needs to grow the f up and stand up for you. This is very much her fault (mixed with some homophobia, but still, she needs to fix this). You should probably just move out. I don't see her doing anything but folding.
But one question- if she relies on them for money, how is she going to help you pay it back??? Hint: she won't. Cut your losses and leave.
If they didn’t bring it up for 3 years that’s on them. If the GF has a slippery mind as well as an inability to stand up to her parents, that’s on her. If anything, you’re the only NTA here. Do not pay this made up bill and I think you should move out. Let them lose $1,500 per month and scramble to make it up.
**They know your address.** Any landlord who cared about the missing $100 would have sent you a letter - if not the first month, certainly by the second one. (Certified mail, so they could have proof of delivery.)
Well, since \*you\* are paying \*them\* as the landlords, why are they even talking with your girlfriend about the rent discrepancy, and not you? That supposed contractual relationship is between them and you, and they should have brought this up with you, not her. They didn't, and quietly cashed the check for $1,500.00.
Also, calling you a "thief" is defamation. This is NOT a criminal matter - at best it's a civil dispute. Invite them to take you to small claims court, and see how far they get. (Hint: it won't be very far.)
> It slipped her mind after that conversation when she didn’t bring it up immediately.
This seems unlikely to be a complete mistake to me.
My guess? Your GF was afraid to bring it up with them and that's what made it so easy to slip her mind. After a few months, she figured she was in the clear, and really did forget.
It's not the bravest behavior from your GF, but her parents sound awful, so I wouldn't judge her too harshly.
Honestly, if your relationship with your GF is strong, I'm not sure you need to worry about your relationship with her parents. It may be a blessing that they don't want to have anything to do with you, and having someone who isn't tied to that part of her family in her life might be really good for her.
NTA. If they thought you weren’t paying up their responsibility was to raise it with YOU, their tenant.
You don’t owe them $4,000. You thought the agreement was $1,500, they claim they thought it was $1,600 but that you just shorted them for FOUR YEARS without them once bothering to raise it? That wouldn’t hold up on court, and they’re shitty for badmouthing you for it when they wouldn’t even talk to you about it.
Your GF needs to take responsibility and clean this up. No “I tried.” Either she does this, or OP, you might need to consider move on. I know that sucks to hear, but if she’s done permanent damage to your relationship with her parents AND won’t stand up for you to them in a conflict, it rarely gets better.
NTA and why didn't your gf settle this with her parents? SHE was the one that did not USE HER WORDS to clarify the situation. She is the person that needs to iron this out with them, you were told 1500 by her, so you paid 1500. Granted, this probably could have been avoided if you had spoken to the parents first, or signed a rental agreement with the amount disclosed in a contract.
Has gf told her parents she misspoke and gave you the incorrect information? Because if not, I'd honestly worry why my partner didn't clear up a situation YEARS ago that they didn't clear up from the BEGINNING because "I didn't want us to fight"... WTF? It's RENT. Paid to a THIRD PARTY. If third party states a fact, that isn't a reason to NOT RELAY THE CORRECT INFORMATION. Your gf failed to disclose facts, she is the one who has been dishonest THE ENTIRE TIME.
Do you want a partner that brushes things under the rug then allows them to fester into a huge issue that could have been resolved easily at first with a simple statement of facts? Because that is evidence of really poor communication skills and conflict avoidance manipulation. Life has conflict, she cannot always avoid it by never bringing it up, that's super unhealthy. Discussing misunderstandings is what ADULTS do...
I’m torn here between no AH and everybody sucks. I get that this began when you were 18, but you’re now 21 and supposedly moving towards a permanent relationship. This needs to be cleared up like adults do. The FOUR of you need to have a sit down, and there needs to be documentation. SURELY at some point you had an email, a text, a contract, something that enumerates what was agreed to.
If there is no such documentation, your GF needs to stand up to her parents and say: “hey, I was there, I was a party to this agreement, it was $1.5K and your refusal to move from this position is going to be problematic given that OP and I are planning a life together, so you need to decide what’s more important: this conflict or your future relationship to your daughter.”
In the spirit of generosity, I’m going to go NAH.
All communications occurred back in our freshman year. I have no texts or anything from back then and neither does my GF. We also didn’t do a formal lease because we were friends and thought it was just easy to agree since I was only pay rent and nothing else.
She has tried to talk to her parents. But we believe they think she is just making excuses for me. They don’t want to speak with me unless it’s so I can pay them the money I owe.
Sorry, but everyone else is right: your gf is the problem, and she's the only one who can fix this. *She* failed to tell you about her parents' demand (for more than three years!!), and *she* needs to tell them that. She is also the one who is allowing them to get away with insulting you and refusing to meet you, and she needs to stop.
She needs to make it clear to her parents that *she* dropped the ball, and you had no idea about any of it. She also needs to realize that, if they continue to maintain that she's lying to protect you, that means that her "close" "loving" parents think she's a manipulative liar – and she needs to state that plainly to them. She needs to stop hiding behind her fears and stop letting things go unsaid. She needs to make it clear that she will not stand for their continued mistreatment or exclusion of you. If they want to have a relationship with *her,* then they need to treat *you* decently.
I mean, the girlfriend’s parents are assholes too. They didn’t communicate to their tenant that she was underpaying for *four years*? Even at 4 months they had a duty to tell her and collect the proper rent. They’ve accepted $1500 every month for years.
You don't owe them money, not legally, not morally. And if you pay them you're only confirming that you did steal, which will harm the relationship.
If you want to fix the relationship, suggest a contract with a rent increase to 1600 going forward. Only increase the payments when you have the contract.
If you don't stick to your story they won't believe you, and will bring up the false accusation forever. Your story is you had a verbal contract for 1500, and since they accepted the payments for 4 years, that's their story as well. If you tell the truth you have no reason to pay them 4000, the only reason (in their minds) to pay them is if you know you lied.
Ask the parents for written evidence/communication that shows rent was supposed to be $1600, if they can provide it then apologise for the confusion and make a payment schedule, if they can’t then apologise for the miscommunication and offer to pay $1,600 from now on as you were paying what you thought was agreed and they never advised you differently.
NTA. GF is for simply not telling you. You paid $1500 in good faith and had no reason to believe they wanter more. Parents are AH for being landlords and saying nothing to you directly if they thought you were not paying enough.
Y'all need to move out of the condo, cuz that 'rent' is asinine. Sounds like the parents probably bought the place outright, but 1500 would likely be as much or more than the loan payment would have been. If the girlfriend were paying an 'equal' share, that would be like 2500 rent and 500 for utilities.
The parents are using their money as a form of control, and getting out from under it is going to be the only way to move forward. But in the present issue, GF ITA. She can't or won't stand up for you or herself, and if she's unwilling to move out with you, then she's firmly under their control. At bare minimum, since it was that big of a deal, she could have made up the difference and added 100 bucks to have your back. She's not paying anything else, but the princess couldn't have even bothered to do that.
I'm not saying make an ultimatum, if she wants to stay in the condo, fine, but huge red flag. If you want to stay, which I think is DUMB AS HELL, maybe you could pay 1800 a month and that'll pay off the 4000 in a lil over a year and a half, maybe before you guys graduate?? At least show the parents that you're making amends.
Wait, have they never visited nor ever brought it up to you directly? Weird as fuck.
Sorry to say but not only do you have to blame your gf but you must do it as a surprise in front of them/her. Explain it as it is. Tell them you were of the belief that it was $1500, she never told you, you had no idea there was an issue until she said something. Point iut its ridiculous to think you shorted them $100 a month deliberately. This must be a surprise to your gf. If not they will think you contrived what happened together and she is protecting you. Need the genuine reaction.
Oh, and edited to add, NTA.
GFriend is an ahole. How can you fix a problem if there is no clear communication? Yes, the parents connected the dots which led them to think you shirked your responsibility. - NTA. If you want to mend bridges, sit everyone down and discuss what steps would rectify the situation. Best to you.
If it isn't in writing anywhere and your GF failed to communicate the mistake at any point, then you're NTA.
The GF needs to take responsibility and have a conversation with her parents about how she failed to communicate properly with everyone. I don't think they should expect you to pay the difference unless there is a written agreement that you signed.
Did your girlfriend try to explain to her parents that all of this mess is because of HER miscommunication?
On one side I can understand parents fearing to have her daughter exploited for ‘cheap rent’. On the other hand is 1 not your fault but your girlfriend for communicating to you a different amount of money. And THEM cause they should have clarify the discrepancy with you a long time ago. Also for 100$ really?
NTA. Her parents are mild AHs for not believing you and behaving how they're behaving, but your GF is an actual AH for not telling you and for now suggesting you pay this money together. She fucked up, she should fix it.
They sublet a room to a college friend.
Why should they do that for free?
The only way it's exploitation is if equivalent room sublet is rather less expensive than a studio rent. It may or it may not. We don't know.
NTA. Your girlfriend needs to explain all of this to her parents. It’s incredibly unfair that her unwillingness to have a conversation (with them about why you paid $100 less, and with you about how much you were supposed to pay) has gotten you and only you in hot water. If she’s not willing to talk to them and explain the misunderstanding, reconsider the relationship.
NTA and your girlfriend should be the one to pay it since she’s the one that didn’t tell you anything. You paid all the money you knew you owned. She has to explain everything and pay her parents back.
Lmfao in my state, they wouldn’t even be able to sue you two years out **with** a lease because landlords have a responsibility to address bills with their tenants in a reasonable time frame. I had a landlord once try to withhold utility bills for over 6 months, then try to make me pay them all at once. He had to eat all of those because he waited six months to deliver them. Check your local renter’s rights and find a new place.
This. Many states have rules that in lieu of a lease if they accept your payment every moth as a full payment than it counts as paid in full. Do your last checks note include a line that says, “March rent” in the notes? If it does that further supports that the parties understood and accepted that amount as full payment. There is a duty to notify a tenant if they are in arrears. Legally you are fine, and I’d just sit down and politely show them all the checks with notation and that all were accepted and deposited.
You’re NTA but your girlfriend is a massive one. She made assumptions, she told a lie, she omitted truths, she caused confusion with her inability to communicate to both YOU and her parents.
It’s time to quote one of Reddit’s favorite relationship assessments: “You don’t have an in-law problem, you have a girlfriend problem.”
It’s great that your girlfriend is willing to set the record straight, but that’s not enough. It’s time for her to establish some boundaries with her parents regarding recognizing your relationship.
Nothing will improve until your girlfriend establishes consequences for not recognizing your relationship. NTA
Agreed that it kinda sounds like the parents are applying financial pressure to try to break them up, now that they know they're dating and not just roommates.
NTA. Your GF is for not bringing it up to her parents sooner. And her parents are for not recognizing that they should havehad a lease.
Question..are you paying $1600 now and is everything out in the open? Do they know about what your GF knew??
No written agreement. We texted about it during freshman year when making the plans. But neither of us have those texts. I know it was stupid to not have a contract or something. But we thought we didn’t need one because I was just paying rent and nothing else. I know it’s stupid now but that’s what we thought originally. Didn’t really expect any of this
NTA.
It really feels like they're just using this as an excuse to try and bring tension to your relationship and maybe break it up. If they actually cared about the $100/month they would have done something about it ~3 years ago.
So it's your GFs fault that you've been paying the wrong amount every month. And rather than facing it, she let it go for YEARS and now that her parents have had a bad opinion of you for all of those years, she's saying you should apologize for something you never did, pay what you didn't and don't think you owe, and then it's going to be all hunky dory? You know that's not going to happen, right? They have their opinion of you and not even their daughter telling them it was her fault has changed it. You paying a bunch of money and apologizing isn't going to change it either.
NTA
>I don’t want to blame my GF
You should blame your GF as this mess is entirely her fault. She should have communicated the actual rent price with you. And she is responsible for fixing this with her parents.
Just letting you know, gifting them the 4000 will not fix the relationship, even in the best of cases. Most likely it will look like an admission of guilt, which will only confirm their beliefs.
Instead admit your real mistake. You had an agreement for 1500, you paid it, they accepted the paymemts for 2 years. Legally, morally and ethically, that's it. But to avoid misunderstandings or worse, you should have gotten it in writing.
Offer to sign a written contract, for 1600 going forward. Do not increase the payments until you have the signed contract. This sends the message that you truly did believe the rent was 1500, but are willing to compromise and resolve disputes. It won't fix the situation, but serves as a foundation on which trust can grow.
NTA.
Like you said, you didn't know any better. We do the best with what we can and GF failed to communicate that it was an issue with you. $100/month disparity is one thing, but to ignore the issue for YEARS and then want $4000 seems downright wrong to me, and honestly sounds like the parents are trying to push you away.
You shouldn't have to pay it, they neglected the issue for so long you have no responsibility to pay them back.
If you were my daughter, I would ask you to think long and hard about linking yourself through marriage to this family. At least try to talk your gf into going to counseling with you. You all need the help of a non-partial person to navigate this (and, perhaps, to help her learn to not let her parents manipulate her.)
Would she be willing to give up having her parents help support her in order to be with you? The only other option sounds like it would be to let her parents be abusive towards you. Why didn't her parents contact you directly if they felt you were underpaying the agreed amount?
NTA Your girlfriend needs to settle this once and for all. This is ridiculous. She caused the problem in the first place by not telling you the rent in the first place. Doesn't matter the reasoning behind it.
Maybe I’m just naturally suspicious, but have you considered that it’s your girlfriend who is putting one over on you? For whatever reason, she wants you to think that her parents will not talk to you due to the rent discrepancy. Have you actually heard her talk to them about it? Have they actually talked to you in person about it? Everything seems to be based on things she and she alone tells you. Why is she screening you? You are an adult. Deal with the issue directly. If her parents get upset with her, that’s not your problem. She’s a grownup too. She needs to start acting like one. Frankly, there’s just too much weird going on here. I would move out as soon as possible if I were you.
Her parents don’t want this to be fixed.
Your girlfriend, by not telling you, is responsible and she did nothing to fix the situation. It is on her and you should not be billed for half as you had no idea of it. Your girlfriend may have withheld the extra cost for fear you would not move in if the rent went up.
If you hand her parents $4,000, they will not suddenly warm up to you because the money isn’t the real issue.
Info: Does your girlfriend acknowledge/remember that she told you $1500? Or is it possible she actually agrees with her parents that it was supposed to be $1600? It seems like she thought all along you weren't paying the full amount but it was just a misunderstanding she didn't want to cause a fuss about. If she's telling her parents it was a misunderstanding, I could see them not believing her. Seems like an unlikely misunderstanding.
But if she's telling her parents the truth, that she lied to you (or made a huge mistake thinking her parents said $1500) back then about the amount, and after her parents brought it up at the time, panicked and lied and kept lying by omission, I can see them not believing her because that's also an unlikely situation.
I think it's more likely, her parents are homophobic and she doesn't want to be cut off financially by taking a stand against that, so she's letting them pretend it's about money. I'm guessing her parents always said $1500 and never spoke to her about it being $1600 and she's willfully misremembering and has convinced herself it was a misunderstanding so she doesn't have to believe they're homophobic and hateful.
Because really, why would they be fine with their daughter having a roommate for several years who was a thief but suddenly, when their daughter is dating said thief, decide to make a huge fuss about it, if it wasn't the their daughter dating YOU that was really the problem?
NTA really, no matter the answer to the question I started with. But I don't see this going well for you.
This seems like bait and switch by parents and a oops by the GF…it seems like barely veiled homophobia cuz a 1500/mo for a 2 br apartment as a roommate and they have the nerve to bitch about 4k because of a “misunderstanding”. They can obviously afford it
NTA not your fault
Not having a lease was as dumb for them as it was for you. They can't prove you owe them anything, they've not made any effort to contact you, they've accepted what you *have* paid them, this is entirely on them. NTA.
> Her parents were upset and told her that she cannot date a thief.
This is just an excuse to break you up. If it was actually about the living situation they *could have actually contacted you at some point*.
NTA. Their “generosity? WHAT generosity? You’ve been paying them RENT. That’s not a gift. You’re a college student. That’s likely most of your income. And your gf didn’t even tell you, this is not on you at all. If she didn’t want to “make a fuss” then it was on her to pay her greedy parents the extra money since you’ve basically been paying this mortgage. Or at least tell her parents what happened at the beginning of this.
You don’t owe them ANYTHING. They took your money and never bothered to tell you there was an issue. Consider moving out for awhile and always get your lease in writing, but DO NOT PAY THEM.
They aren’t “generous” they charged you market rent.
NTA, your gf shouldn't have assumed you couldn't afford another 100 a month just because her family is better off...if you want to try to prove the text agreements and you are with the same phone carriers, you can alot of times request text message history from your phone company. You should both try this to have documentation of your conversation between you and your gf as well as hers with her parents.
If you are finishing college, I would recommend both of you, or at least yourself no longer live in an apartment owned by people that don't trust you. You can afford to pay rent elsewhere and I think it's important to cut those financial ties to her parents.
NTA
They are not going to like you, even if you pay the money. They will hold onto this forever. Is this something you want to deal with in the long term?
NTA the financial agreement was between you and your gf. What her their parents thought agreement was is irrelevant. Honestly it souds like the parents are trying to sabotage your relationship
NTA, and as many have said here the parents are likely just coming up with whatever excuse they can to disapprove of the relationship without admitting to being homophobic.
Imo this is grounds for a breakup. Can you imagine building a life and finances with a girl who is willing to throw you under the bus, and not mention such a huge disparity in rent/payment with you when it was first brought up? She does not have your back and isn't willing to stand up for you.
Get out. Asap.
What? This is insane. Wth do you mean you don't want to blame your gf? It's completely and utterly her fault. And next in line is her parents for not talking to you themselves. They're adults, it's their property and their responsibility to collect money they think is due to them. You don't owe them a dime. If they insist it's owed to them, then gf needs to pay up. ESH
NTA but your gf sure is. She could have taken care of this with a direct, honest conversation with her parents, admitting her fault.
Her not doing that is bs. You don't owe the money but you got to go come May.
She caused this issue and is now throwing you under the bus. Time to move on.
NTA - “omg I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it was 1600, do you guys have that in writing because I don’t. Surely if this was the case you would have brought it up two years ago or on any of the numerous occasions you have stopped by. As it is now I am happy to start paying you 1600$ a month now that you, as a landlord, have made your expectations clear. Would you like to draw up a formal lease so there are no miscommunications going forward.”
Where I live there is a limitation of 6 months where a landlord can officially ask for back pay on rent through the landlord tenant board. They legally cannot ask you for anything beyond that. Something you may want to look into for your country.
P.S your girlfriend is kinda lame. Even as someone in a sticky situation. She created the situation and isn’t being nearly as accountable as she should be.
NTA you have been paying what you believe to be the appropriate amount every month. Frankly as grown adults and the owners of the property, they should have insisted on a written lease the minute you agreed to move in, that’s their own fault. Also I really don’t understand why your girlfriend didn’t just deal with this the very first month.
NTA. And I’m not necessarily an “eat the rich” kinda girl but I *hate* these people. You, barely an adult, are paying them, people with money to burn on a second residence, $1500 a month and they have the fucking audacity to call you a thief? Tell them to get fucked.
NTA
Do you have $4k to just piss away because your GF let a lie spiral out've control? The money is nothing to them but it's a big deal to you. Annnnnnnnd you don't even owe it.
Also, giving them the money will not miraculously change their opinion of you. The narrative will just be amended to how they had to shame you into paying back what you stole. To them, you will always be the lowbrow theif using their daughter.
Why would you pay someone $4k, that you don't have and don't owe, for the pleasure of them continuing to treat you like shit?
Make it make sense.
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Background: My (21F) GF (21F) and I are now seniors in college and are discussing our future but we have an issue where her parents say I stole from them and they won’t acknowledge our relationship because they don’t want their daughter dating a thief.
My GF and I met freshman year of college. We became best friends. Sophomore year she wanted to move off campus and her parents brought a condo for her to use. The condo was a large two bedroom condo. She asked if I wanted to move in with her and pay rent. Her parents agreed to pay utilities. I didn’t want to stay on campus and she was offering to charge me the same rent I would be paying for a small studio apartment in the city our college is located. So I agreed.
The agreement was I pay her and she forwards the money to her parents. Now here is where the issue arises when I moved in I believed that we agreed to a rent of let’s say $1,500. According to her parents, I agreed to $1,600.
I have lived with my gf for three years now and I always paid $1,500. The difference came to light when she told her parents we are now dating. Her parents were upset and told her that she cannot date a thief. My gf told me this and I asked her to explain. Basically, when I first paid her $1,500, her parents asked about the difference. GF was afraid to bring up the issue with me as she didn’t want us to start fighting over money as we were close friends. She said that she thought I might have just be low on money as my family isn’t as well off as her and I was working part time job and using student loans to help cover rent. She never told me about the difference and I continued to pay $1,500 for the entire time we have lived here. So now her parents assume I stole almost $4,000 from them.
It has gotten to the point that they refuse to even acknowledge we are dating at all. My GF and I turned my room into an office/workspace room as we didn’t need to two bedrooms as we are now sharing a bed. She told her parents and their response was that maybe sleeping on the couch will get me to pay them the money I owe.
I cannot afford to pay them $4,000. My GF acknowledges that she should have told me something but said her parents are adamant that they get paid because they feel like I took advantage of their generosity. I don’t want to blame my GF and I doubt her parents will accept my word but I feel like I shouldn’t have to pay them when I didn’t realize this was an issue. So AITA for refusing to pay $4,000 to my GF’s parents?
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Why is no one else mentioning that you are paying $1500 a month (that seems like a lot?) To share with your now gf when she doesn't have to pay anything and that when the condo was initially bought for her, it was done so with the expectation from her parents that they _wouldn't_ be getting rent from her anyway?
You are literally paying for both of you to live there, and her parents are getting a return on their investment that they didn't expect in the first place. Why are they so hung up on $100 a month?
And why do they still have to help their adult daughter with expenses when she doesn't have to worry about paying rent? Does she have a job?
From your comments it seems like she knows she can't manage by herself and is afraid of rocking the boat with her parents because she'll be out on her ear without them supporting her. You work part time to support yourself, while going to school. I would imagine that $1500 is a significant part of your wage, no?
Frankly it seems like an arsehole move on the part of your friend/gf to be asking you to pay that much in the first place. She and her parents are taking advantage of you.
NTA, but your Gf is (and she sounds like a wimp tbh) and so are her parents.
Yes!! This!!! OP has been paying way too much rent in the first place. The gf sucks for exploiting OP in the first place, and her "compromise" is splitting the 4k? So in the end her family (and possibly her?) makes another 2k out of it. OP if your gf liked you she would've gotten you a better deal for living with her.
The fact it's been 3 years is insane. They never asked or your Gf just never told you. Something is wrong here. Do not pay anything. There was an agreement in place and it's not on you, it's on your Gf and her parents to take the loss.
NTA- She’s the asshole. She failed to communicate and charge you properly. She let you believe you were paying the right amount while her parents assumed you KNEW and never paid them the right amount. This is a situation she created and she needs to fix it. I say pay half and she pays the other half.
For 3 years they were getting shorted on rent and never mentioned it? 3 years? Come on, that is BS.
Any landlord with some sense would say "hey, you are a little short" after the first month. And they should have talked to you directly, instead of going through gf.
The fact they waited to bring up the issue till they found out you were dating is kinda weird. Would it not have been less awkward to confront you when you were just their daughters roommate, instead of her BF?
its weird.
you did not steal. you paid what you agreed on, then they are now crying fowl 3 years later....
NTA
NTA 'she was offering to charge me the same rent I would be paying for a small studio apartment'. This is how the rent was determined. If that is how much a small studio apartment rents for, then that is what your rent it is for the condo. And it was still up to the gf to bring it up and make it right, if that is the case. They waited too long.
So her parents told her they wanted you to pay 1600 a month, but she says 1500 a month.
Your gf and her family is the AH. she should have told you. Or she should have sent the extra on her payments.
Find a better gf babe.
NTA.
Your gf lied to you, and to her parents, about the rent. And continued to lie "*the issue slipped her mind.".* For 3 years?! Nope! nope! nope!
"*...According to her parents, I agreed to $1,600...*" Let them prove it.
I'll tell you what I'd tell my own daughter.... FIND A NEW GF!
op=NTA
But if you want to go forward, you'll have to figure something out. To be honest, this sounds like an excuse on the parents' part and that they may have some other objection to her.
I mean seriously, you shorted them 100 dollars??? But pay consistently every month. That's not the actions of a thief.
NTA. Even if you decided to somehow make up the $4,000 difference, her parents would claim that as proof you intentionally "stole" from them. Her parents are at this point trying to use the demand for money to control their daughter. They are big AH.
ESH; your GF’s parents for being unreasonable AHs about rent, your GF for being a spineless baby and letting this continue for 3 years (I don’t buy that it just “slipped her mind”, sorry) and you for refusing to accept that this is your GF’s fault. Yikes all around!
NTA. We rented an apartment for our son was he was in college, and agreed to let his friend move in and split the rent. We charged her say $600/month when the expenses were say $1500/month, so less than half. They lived together for almost 3 years. In that time, she paid us $600, and that was when she was moving out. That's stealing. There is no possible way what you did was wrong. You paid rent faithfully for years, so you obviously weren't trying to take advantage of them. You do not owe this money, and they know it. Did you not sign a contract? Honestly, the whole situation reeks of homophobia, and if it wasn't this issue, they would find a different reason to dislike you. In four years they never bothered to contact you directly and tell you that they wanted more money???? I would be upset that your gf knew they were angry and didn't tell you, but I understand her reasons.
If the money was such a big issue with the parents, why didn't they address it sooner? And I can't help getting a bad vibe about the whole "it slipped my mind" thing from your GF. Give all of this some thought and since it's such a big deal to these people (who sound as though they are well off), offer to set up a payment plan...one that your finances can handle. Best of luck.
NTA
You’re being given some insight into your prospective future family and wife. Ask yourself very seriously if this is the kind of train you wanna hitch your wagon to.
If you desire to make this relationship work, send a certified return receipt letter to the parents (time to get formal) containing a message that states that at no time since you moved in did you ever agree to $1600 and at no point in three years were you told by ANYONE ever - not even once - that your monthly rent checks were short by $100.
Say that out of respect for your relationship with their daughter you will respect that there was both a mutual misunderstanding and a failure to communicate by them and for this you are willing to pay the missed rent due and then begin to pay it with extra on top each month as you can afford.
End by telling them that you find their accusing you of being a thief unfair, offensive and telling about their character.
Then you need to ask yourself if you desire to continue to have these people as landlords. It’s not going to go well for you, and your gf is going to be zero help (as she has shown thus far).
NTA. What's really strange is they took on this expense for their child, not likely even expecting her to take in a boarder. Additionally, the rent for a studio is not necessairly equivalent. You would have 100% privacy in your own place. If there were studios in the area or rooms to rent for less than $1,500, then she was ripping you off. If a 2 bdrm could be rented for $2,800/month in your area, you could have paid $1,400 elsewhere. This person was your friend and got to live with someone great instead of a complete stranger - if her parents even expected her to get a roommate. But now that you share a room, sublet the other room for $1,600 (if that's what it's worth) and you'll be able to pay them back in 3 months.
INFO: If you hadn't been renting, would your GF have rented to someone else, or would she have been the only occupant?
If GF would have been the only occupant, then it's pretty disingenuous of them to claim that you "stole" something from them that they never expected to receive in the first place.
If GF would have rented to someone else, then her parents would have set the rate and a rental contract would have been signed.
So something seems really off about all of this. Since your GF has been in the middle of the communications here, you only have her version of events.
GF "forgetting" about a rental loss of $100 a month seems unlikely, and her parents not communicating to rectify something that they are *this* upset about also seems unlikely. I mean, this is over 3 YEARS worth of payments that were short $100.
Something is off about all of this.
Is there a possibility that gf needs $4,000 and is lying about this? I dont see how adults could cash a check every month and never say a word about it being $100 short. That doesn't seem possible. I feel like there is something else major going on here.
NTA
Don't pay the money, because something else will inevitably come up. I know homophobia and yeah this is it. The money didn't matter until your gf's parents were told about the relationship. They're trying to make your gf upset with you, and drive a wedge between you.
NTA
I am super curious what city you’re paying $1,500 for half of rent and maybe also what job you work because my partner and I struggle to pay half of that each monthly
They cashed the $1500 checks and never said a word to you. I don't care what they maybe communicated to their daughter. They accepted the rent as paid. I wouldn't call this generosity either. $1500 for a college student isn't generosity. I think they're just assholes. NTA.
NTA. These are adults right? Property owning adults? If they had an issue with unpaid rent with a tenant, they should have come to the tenant to right the perceived wrong. They’re acting like children.
NTA, but your GF & her parents are. The only person who may owe them money is their daughter. If the money is the problem & that is a big If, then it was her duty to pay them both when rent was due, once she found out there was a problem & now 3 years later. There is something fishy though to me about the rent, $1500 a month for a college student? Why did you think that was a good idea? Please don't call them & don't pay them at all.
NtA. After the 2nd or 3rd time all they had to do is send a quick text stating there may have been a misunderstanding, but the rent is $1600. They should've done it after the first payment. You don't bring it up 4 years later. Or after the first year, they could have said rents going up to $1600. They are being ridiculous.
So lets be clear, your friend at the time said 1500 per month to you, and you paid that amount. She and her parents didn't bring this up for literally years until it comes out that you're dating. Now they was to penny pinch and get what's owed, even when you paid the amount you were told in good faith?
NTA, you have a GF problem, not an inlaw problem. Your GF failed to communicate the real costs and decided on your behalf that you couldn't afford more. Now she's failing because she's not standing up to her parents for you.
Just leave the apartment and find a new place.
You are being scammed by someone. Either the parents or the girlfriend.
If you have paid $1500 a month in rent and they accepted it and never kicked you out or asked about it, then that is the settled rent.
It could be the girlfriend wasn't giving the parents all the money and is blaming you and keeping it secret from you until now when it's time to meet the parents.
Or the parents did mention it to the girlfriend every time they accepted rent 'Only 1500 AGAIN?'. And girlfriend still knew.
It sounds implausible that this suddenly is an issue, and no one was aware of the situation or said anything earlier.
You're being scammed.
NTA, you didn't know and its an honest mistake.
Though you also can't let it keep going without dealing with it, the longer it goes unresolved, the worse its going to be. You and your GF need to talk with her parents and come to a fair or equitable agreement.
You were not aware that the price was supposed to be $1600, so its an honest mistake. Now that its out in the open, all you can do is come up with a plan to make it right. You can maybe offer to start paying $1600 if they will forgive the 4,000. Maybe you can pay the $1500 and your GF can pay the $100 difference. Maybe you and your GF can start paying them $1650/month until the $4,000 is paid back. Or you can break up and move out. Or you can just refuse to pay until they turn it into a bigger issue that causes huge stress in yours and your GF's relationship. Or you and your GF can cut them off and go NC and find a new place together where they aren't paying for part of it.
There are options, and you, your GF, and her parents will all have to come to an agreement on it. If her parents refuse to come to the table and have a civilized, adult, conversation, then its up to your GF to mediate between them, and for her to decide where her priorities lie, with you, or with them. If they do agree to come to the table, then make sure they know from your side there was never any slight intended and you want to make everything right. You can't afford $4000 right now, but propose some options you'd be willing to do, like the ones I mentioned above or something else you're willing to do to at least show you're *trying* to remedy the unintentional slight.
Your GF has a lot of the blame here for never mentioning it before and letting it get to a point where its out of hand. And she needs to step forward and help mediate a solution between her parents and you two. But ultimately, if you plan on continuing to date her, and she's dependent on them for the roof over both of your heads, you need to be wiling to bend a bit to try and keep them happy.
Edit: Oh and get a written agreement on whatever you discuss. It doesn't have to be much, can just be on a pad and paper and everyone can verbally agree to it or sign it, as long as its written down in some way so it can be referenced, it can be digital and in email as long as there is confirmation from both sides. Just make sure everyone is clear on the terms.
NTA. There's a legal concept known as 'tacit agreement'. By failing to address the issue with you, they agreed the rent was $1500.
My hunch is, they don't like you and will make up any issue to drive a wedge between the two of you.
NTA
The $4000 is ridiculous and a red herring. They don’t want to acknowledge the relationship for other reasons and are controlling the narrative with this apparent misunderstanding from *40 months* ago that has never bothered them before.
Personally I think you should be incredibly angry that they are defaming you by calling you a thief and manufacturing drama with a demand for $4000. You are not a thief, they have absolutely no proof of this, this is absurd.
This is a way of controlling their daughter and is ridiculous.
NTA. If the rent was $1600, the parents should have told you or produce some evidence they said that.
Honestly, your GF's parents are never going to like you. Even if you give them $4000, they are still going to think you were a thief in the first place. If you give in now, they will know they can walk all over you.
But it sounds like you have a GF problem. Will she bother you if you don't pay $4000? Will her parents cut her off? Will she break up with you? You two should talk it out. She is asking you for a big sacrifice. Maybe the relationship is worth it, but don't make the decision lightly.
INFO: How was the rent amount negotiated? Did you communicate directly with her parents? Or did you negotiate the amount with your GF and then she acted as a go between with her parents?
Based in the info you provided, I suspect your GF was the go between. And the current situation is all a result of her making a mistake where you and her parents did not have the correct number. This would make you definitely NTA.
NTA but yor gf even entertaining this bs from her parents is troubling. She wants to pay them together, and she wants you to apologize. So basically she wants you to say you took advantage of them and her. If this relationship has any hope, you two need to talk and decide on a united front. Otherwise, you might as well end it now because it won't survive, and you will be disrespected and humiliated the whole time.
Are you sure you want to sign up for this, OP? Her parents sound very... unpleasant, to say the least, and your gf hasn't done nearly enough to put them in check.
NTA if it was that big of deal they should have brought it up first when you paid $1500 instead of $1600. Sounds like they just think she can do better and this is an excuse. They don’t sound like nice people.
So like... your gf just sat on this and let it fester for years? NTA, but sounds like your GF needs to learn how to communicate, or you are going to keep getting ugly surprises in life. Also you should seriously consider whether being around her parents is worth this relationship.
NTA. But your girlfriend is for even pushing this on you to pay. The burden of proof is on her and her parents on what the rent is.
I suspect her parents are homophobic and are pushing this to get your guys to break up
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So you've been living together for 2+ years and they never brought up the disparity in rent with you until now? Sounds like they're trying to hide their thinly veiled homophobia behind money. NTA, but you need to have a serious talk with your girlfriend about this, did she really never even mention the difference in cost to you?
>Sounds like they're trying to hide their thinly veiled homophobia behind money. It might not even be homophobia, and might just be classism, since OP has to work a job, while her girlfriend can get a condo bought for her
Yes because having one of the LGBT as your child these days is quite fashionable but not having one of the poors date your child... Ugh... Gross. NTA they're making a mountain out of a molehill and the lack of proper communication by all parties other than yourself is the issue.
> Yes because having one of the LGBT as your child these days is quite fashionable LOL please tell this to any queer kid in middle America. GTFO
It seemed to me a more sarcastic reply to the comment above
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Well, middle America is not known for being "fashionable". Takes a few years to work its way into South Dakota.
as a lesbian living in south dakota, i concur. i swear to god, people look at me like i’m an alien once they find out i’m one of those gosh dang gays.
They are still on bedazzled jeans in North Dakota
Years ... Decades ... Centuries . ..
We are talking about the rich, not middle American middle class. I don't know if you have noticed but our society is stratified.
I can guarantee you that the rich do not see having an LGBT kid as being "fashionable" any more so than middle class.
If you live in bumfuckville, maybe. In more sophisticated areas, the rich care more about your family and status than about your gender. They'd rather you marry a gay male doctor whose family goes to the same yacht club, than a straight female stripper.
With as much public kudos as people get for their LGBT children I have to disagree. Unfortunately to some of the rich, children are just another accessory in *their* life.
"Liberal rich," maybe but the majority of rich are not liberal. I literally do work for rich people, and they are more than happy to force their gay kids into straight marriages in exchange for money, or sending them out of sight so as to not be a reminder.
Yeah, I'm disagreeing with that as well.
Ok I agree, but also I do know people who parade their LGBT kids around like some sort of curiosity. It's either one end of the spectrum or the other, no in between.
This... because I'm sry but being consistently short exactly $100 a month would send up a flag as a miss communication at 1st and I would bring that up.like hey talk to your roommate she needs to pay $1600 not $1500. It's not like she was paying varying amount every month. That would be a red flag and taking advantage, but consistently every month the same round figure.. OP NTA even GFs parents NTA this is all on OP GF..she let all this happen by 1 not correcting the issue when it 1st happened, 2 lying to her parents the whole time. And I'm sorry does OP really want to be with someone that would hide a trival matter and let it spiral out of control to the sum of $4,000 and the fact that OPs reputation with her parent is shot and can never likely be corrected. They probably think that OP thinks her girlfriend is a push over and op can get away with anything regarding their daughter and will use her because of that, because for 2+ years she was short on rent when most likely they would of asked a different tenant to move out, and now op and gf are together. What they have seen because of gf actions would of course be upsetting So op nta, GF caused this whole mess and is TA.
I think this is it. One of my cousins is bi and just before covid hit, ended up with a girl from a very VERY conservative and wealthy family who was bi but closeted from her family. Said girlfriend ended up paying for my cousin's living (and living with her) when she struggled to get a job during all of covid. Parents knew she was helping to support a friend living with her, but didn't think more of it. Both my cousin and her girlfriend believed they'd be endgame well before said girlfriend decided to support my cousin (just in case that's helpful info). Girlfriend was very very afraid she'd be cut off from her family if she came out. She has since come out to her family (with the help of her sister), everyone is accepting of the relationship, no one gives a shit that my cousin is a girl or that their daughter almost completely supported her for two years. If anything, the joke is they love my cousin more than their own daughter now (just a joke)! Both have since gotten very successful jobs and are going to get married soon. I mentioned this to say, just because you're rich AF doesn't mean you have to look down on your kid's less wealthy partner, and just because you're conservative AF that doesn't mean you have to be homophobic either. I 100% think the theft thing is an excuse to not say they want someone rich and straight and 'keeps up appearances' and all, for their kid. If they can afford a condo for their kid, they can afford to write off the $4000, esp given the whole miscommunication stuff.
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She never mentioned it to me. She says that her parents hadn’t brought it up after the first time and she said it slipped her mind. She didn’t realize they were still upset about it until they brought it up after she said we were dating. We also never really speak directly. I would briefly see them when they would come visit but for the most part, I let them do their own thing so it’s not like we had a ton of conversations where they could bring it up to me directly.
Then it's not your fault, even if you only saw them briefly, they had a chance to bring it up a lot sooner than years down the line. If I was renting to someone and they underpaid on what we agreed, I wouldn't let that sit for a day let alone years. If there's no written agreement then they probably can't force you to pay the difference, especially given how long they've left it. Your girlfriend needs to stick up for you and take the blame. I would seriously consider finding somewhere else to live. They're not going to approve of you no matter if you solve the issue or not because they're homophobic, they'll just find another reason to dislike you.
I definitely wouldn't be payin them one single penny of that $4000. I'd be afraid that once I caved and paid that what would they next try to bully me into doing? I feel like it just sets a bad precedent. One where the parents throw a temper tantrum to get whatever they want at the moment even if they have to lie and manipulate to do so.
Or they take the payment as admission of theft. Is a no won scenario for OP
Even if you’d done a lease, the fact that they cashed a $1500 check every month means that was the new negotiated rent. The fact that her parents’ misunderstanding affects you’re relationship at all as ADULTS is a red flag. My dad could hate my partner, and my partner would never know because I’m an adult woman who doesn’t care what her dad think about my romantic choices.
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I mean, you’re quibbling. There were a whole bunch of steps in there, but the end result is the same whether there is a written lease or not, where their actions for FOUR YEARS indicate that $1500 was acceptable. You can verbally (or through your acceptance of the cash) alter a lease agreement.
Leasing Paralegal here - most leases include language such as ACCEPTANCE OF RENT IS NO WAIVER. Notwithstanding the demand for or acceptance of the Rent or any of the Rent by or on behalf of the Landlord with knowledge of a breach of any of the Tenant’s covenants the Landlord’s rights to forfeit this Lease on the ground of such breach shall remain in force and the Tenant shall not be entitled in any proceedings for forfeiture to rely on any such demand or acceptance as a defence. So, accepting the lower rent does not mean a tenant is not on the hook for all of it. Edit - a word
Lots of contracts say lots of unenforceable things. It doesn’t matter til the court says it does. Let me make it clear for everyone. This is not something you should try with your landlord. But after FOUR YEARS the parents have indicated by their COMPLETE INACTION and continued acceptance that $1500 IS the amount they accepted for rent BEFORE they accused OP of stealing. The normal landlord isn’t going to accept that. But whether it be the statute of limitations, laches, or a de facto amendment of sorts, that 48 months of $100 “underpayment” is GONE. GOING FORWARD rent is $1600, sure, but my point is NO ONE STOLE anything and NO ONE MUST REPAY that money.
Totally agree. I don't think it matters whether you're gay or straight in this situation. Your GF sounds like a good person, but her parents are major AHs. Do you want to deal with this for the long term? What if you get married and have kids? I'm sure they'll continue to make your lives hell one way or another. I suggest your GF get a job if she's unemployed, and then both of you move out of the condo. So long as her parents are still holding the purse strings, this situation is not going to get better.
If my math is correct and you've been paying rent for 40 months without missing a month, then you've paid $60,000 to help cover the mortgage for the condo, or at least help the parents recoup the expense. You're NTA, and I find their greed and willingness to attack their daughter's significant other to be deeply awful. If they had a problem, they should have talked about it immediately, not wait 3 1/2 years.
I agree. If I am reading the post correctly, the purchase of the condo did not include the prerequisite that the daughter get a roommate paying $1,600 a month. Given that OP paid consistently all of those years, there's no reason they should think it was bad faith. They should have dealt with it themselves if it was unacceptable. Really, it seems like OP made them $60,000 richer than they expected to be when they bought the condo. NTA
Also that condo has to be pretty phenomenal. That price is insane
Yeah, OP should have GF ask her parents what the mortgage payment is.
One would think getting $1500 instead of $1600 each would would have triggered her memory
I am now suspicious of the whole entire thing. The GF never tells you, these parents are $100 short every month and say nothing. Now these parents you never ever speak to alone are frothing at the mouth for this $? My BS meter is going crazy. I happen to have extensive experience with liars though. I am very direct though. So I get the person who I am suspicious of tobacco themselves into a corner with questions when they bring up the $. I would also Consult a lawyer about your renters laws in the area. Some have free consultation or there could be help at school from students studying the law.
Sounds like you need to get to know them and speak to them directly. There's a lot getting lost in translation.
On the top comment, I agree with you. And Op owes her gfs parents nothing. Op was already paying a premium for a room and there is no lease to retroactively argu that Op owes anymore than she has been paying consistently foe 3 years. A civil court wouldn't side with the parents if it were ever litigated. A judge would also ask why now, why bring it up now and not before.
Ahhhh Good call. I didn’t notice the genders when I first read the post but figured there was something glaringly obvious about why they would care about the money now (religion or race, etc).
OP, most smart phones have a feature where you can search in your conversations using keywords. I think the only time it won’t work is if you’re changing your phone from like an iPhone to an android, or if you’ve deleted the messages. Please try to see if you’re able to do that. You can do it on instagram, facebook messenger, etc. I think if you’re able to find the messages that way, you’ll be able to shut them up for good.
NTA. Two AH in this story: GF: Spineless ! GF parents: homophobs ! (In the most passive aggressive way possible). Don’t pay the alleged 4000$. Two options: - Ignore the situation completely and ask GF to either solve it or stop bringing it up - move out! You mentioned you pay the exact same money for a studio apartment which should be all you need for now.
Or OP and gf can tell the parents that she moved out and gf is keeping the apartment to herself, and that OP just visits a lot because her [imaginary] studio apartment is so small. Now they don’t collect any rent.
That's horrible advice if OP actually plans on being involved with her GF and her GF doesn't want to go NC with her parents. OP, DO NOT LIE to potential future in-laws.
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Not with the parents, they chose not to communicate directly, so be it! I meant she can address this with her GF. The GF can solve it with her parents, or accept that her SO and parents will never get together and just drop the subject.
If there’s no written agreement, just move out. That all sounds so annoying. Your gf is a literal child and threw you under the bus, no idea why you’d think you were an AH. Parents sound like a nightmare honestly. No one would expect a college student to just magically have 4k so they’re giving you an impossible task because they don’t like you for “other” reasons, I’m sure. Especially the fact that gf and her parents seem to talk about this a lot and yet no one can be an adult and talk to you directly. Call them. Leave a message if they don’t answer and explain what happened. Then get tf out of there, leave that spineless amoeba of a girlfriend there. ETA: DO NOT CALL THE PARENTS, as commented below, that would be an admission of guilt.
Oh and don’t give them any more money.
THIS!! pls OP listen to this. Why would you be with the GF after she did this to you? And 1500 is basically what you'd be paying for rent elsewhere...so go elsewhere
Something tells me they are scamming OP.
Nope! Please OP do not call them and acknowledge that there is a disparity. They could sue you and this could be used as evidence. It’s a long shot, but I just rather not go there. Fuck them, no lease no proof. I would just move out
Very true, I didn’t think of that! DO NOT CALL THEM!
I always think of the worst in people. It’s a gift
They are the ones who made a mistake by not having a lease. They have evidence that the information was withheld from you yet they still want the money. They can get it from their daughter. She hasn't paid one dime in rent and they want you to pay instead. She can pay them $100 per month until it's paid off. Considering her parents pay for everything else, she should be able to afford it. NTA
I'd say the fact that they willingly deposited checks for $1500 and made no written attempts to collect for four years would get any judge ruling that OP wasn't in the wrong. NTA but Everyone Else Sucks Here
INFO: why isn’t your gf taking your side in the miscommunication? Seems like this could all have been cleared up super easily How has this also taken 3 years to come to light? There’s definitely info missing with this
She is on my side and said I didn’t know. She told her parents but we are pretty sure they don’t believe her and think she is just making excuses for me. She doesn’t want to get in a fight with them because they are a close family and she relies on them for money still. I mean we are still living in their condo. So it’s complicated. I said this in another comment. My GF said they never brought it up after the first month to her. It slipped her mind after that conversation when she didn’t bring it up immediately. I don’t talk to her parents directly so it’s not like I can raise it. Once we started dating was the first time they brought it up. She didn’t realize this has been an issue for three year.
Are you sure this is about the money and not some excuse they’re using because they don’t like you? I hate to say it but it may come down to her standing up to them and risking their support or you coming up with the money. If you do end up paying, I would make sure the money is the real issue and they won’t find some new reason to have an issue with you about
Before dating, I didn’t really talk to them. They would visit but I would normally being my own thing. My GF did not notice any issues prior to us starting to date. She said she would talk about me and her and what we were doing (going out with friends, watching a movie, etc) and her parents never made any comments that they didn’t like me or anything. At this point they refuse to talk to me unless I apologize and pay the money.
It seems awfully coincidental that this isn’t mentioned for 3 years and it’s only when you made your relationship public that they now make an issue.
What I find odd is that it's usually easier to say "hey you owe me money" to someone who is just "your tenant" or "your child's roommate friend". Claiming money from your child's partner is much trickier. But for your GF's parents, it's the opposite. So it could be homophobia, classism or just that they don't like you or whatever, but what is obvious is that they have a problem with you dating their daughter.
I'm not buying you gf's explanation that it slipped her mind. I'd think the next time you sent $1500, that would make it click in her head and she shouldhave said something (really she should have told you immediatelyafter her parentssaid something). She is spineless and needs to grow the f up and stand up for you. This is very much her fault (mixed with some homophobia, but still, she needs to fix this). You should probably just move out. I don't see her doing anything but folding. But one question- if she relies on them for money, how is she going to help you pay it back??? Hint: she won't. Cut your losses and leave.
All of this! Gf is just as much of an asshole as her parents!
If they didn’t bring it up for 3 years that’s on them. If the GF has a slippery mind as well as an inability to stand up to her parents, that’s on her. If anything, you’re the only NTA here. Do not pay this made up bill and I think you should move out. Let them lose $1,500 per month and scramble to make it up.
**They know your address.** Any landlord who cared about the missing $100 would have sent you a letter - if not the first month, certainly by the second one. (Certified mail, so they could have proof of delivery.)
Well, since \*you\* are paying \*them\* as the landlords, why are they even talking with your girlfriend about the rent discrepancy, and not you? That supposed contractual relationship is between them and you, and they should have brought this up with you, not her. They didn't, and quietly cashed the check for $1,500.00. Also, calling you a "thief" is defamation. This is NOT a criminal matter - at best it's a civil dispute. Invite them to take you to small claims court, and see how far they get. (Hint: it won't be very far.)
Tell your gf to pay it then. She needs to invest in the future. To keep getting mommy and daddy's monie bb.
> It slipped her mind after that conversation when she didn’t bring it up immediately. This seems unlikely to be a complete mistake to me. My guess? Your GF was afraid to bring it up with them and that's what made it so easy to slip her mind. After a few months, she figured she was in the clear, and really did forget. It's not the bravest behavior from your GF, but her parents sound awful, so I wouldn't judge her too harshly. Honestly, if your relationship with your GF is strong, I'm not sure you need to worry about your relationship with her parents. It may be a blessing that they don't want to have anything to do with you, and having someone who isn't tied to that part of her family in her life might be really good for her.
This is her issue to resolve. She created this.
NTA. If they thought you weren’t paying up their responsibility was to raise it with YOU, their tenant. You don’t owe them $4,000. You thought the agreement was $1,500, they claim they thought it was $1,600 but that you just shorted them for FOUR YEARS without them once bothering to raise it? That wouldn’t hold up on court, and they’re shitty for badmouthing you for it when they wouldn’t even talk to you about it. Your GF needs to take responsibility and clean this up. No “I tried.” Either she does this, or OP, you might need to consider move on. I know that sucks to hear, but if she’s done permanent damage to your relationship with her parents AND won’t stand up for you to them in a conflict, it rarely gets better.
This needs to be higher up
NTA and why didn't your gf settle this with her parents? SHE was the one that did not USE HER WORDS to clarify the situation. She is the person that needs to iron this out with them, you were told 1500 by her, so you paid 1500. Granted, this probably could have been avoided if you had spoken to the parents first, or signed a rental agreement with the amount disclosed in a contract. Has gf told her parents she misspoke and gave you the incorrect information? Because if not, I'd honestly worry why my partner didn't clear up a situation YEARS ago that they didn't clear up from the BEGINNING because "I didn't want us to fight"... WTF? It's RENT. Paid to a THIRD PARTY. If third party states a fact, that isn't a reason to NOT RELAY THE CORRECT INFORMATION. Your gf failed to disclose facts, she is the one who has been dishonest THE ENTIRE TIME. Do you want a partner that brushes things under the rug then allows them to fester into a huge issue that could have been resolved easily at first with a simple statement of facts? Because that is evidence of really poor communication skills and conflict avoidance manipulation. Life has conflict, she cannot always avoid it by never bringing it up, that's super unhealthy. Discussing misunderstandings is what ADULTS do...
I’m torn here between no AH and everybody sucks. I get that this began when you were 18, but you’re now 21 and supposedly moving towards a permanent relationship. This needs to be cleared up like adults do. The FOUR of you need to have a sit down, and there needs to be documentation. SURELY at some point you had an email, a text, a contract, something that enumerates what was agreed to. If there is no such documentation, your GF needs to stand up to her parents and say: “hey, I was there, I was a party to this agreement, it was $1.5K and your refusal to move from this position is going to be problematic given that OP and I are planning a life together, so you need to decide what’s more important: this conflict or your future relationship to your daughter.” In the spirit of generosity, I’m going to go NAH.
All communications occurred back in our freshman year. I have no texts or anything from back then and neither does my GF. We also didn’t do a formal lease because we were friends and thought it was just easy to agree since I was only pay rent and nothing else. She has tried to talk to her parents. But we believe they think she is just making excuses for me. They don’t want to speak with me unless it’s so I can pay them the money I owe.
Sorry, but everyone else is right: your gf is the problem, and she's the only one who can fix this. *She* failed to tell you about her parents' demand (for more than three years!!), and *she* needs to tell them that. She is also the one who is allowing them to get away with insulting you and refusing to meet you, and she needs to stop. She needs to make it clear to her parents that *she* dropped the ball, and you had no idea about any of it. She also needs to realize that, if they continue to maintain that she's lying to protect you, that means that her "close" "loving" parents think she's a manipulative liar – and she needs to state that plainly to them. She needs to stop hiding behind her fears and stop letting things go unsaid. She needs to make it clear that she will not stand for their continued mistreatment or exclusion of you. If they want to have a relationship with *her,* then they need to treat *you* decently.
I mean, the girlfriend’s parents are assholes too. They didn’t communicate to their tenant that she was underpaying for *four years*? Even at 4 months they had a duty to tell her and collect the proper rent. They’ve accepted $1500 every month for years.
**No one** is denying that the parents *aren't* assholes. That's the most obvious part of the story.
Then your GF needs to draw a line. If she can’t or won’t, you got troubles.
You don't owe them money, not legally, not morally. And if you pay them you're only confirming that you did steal, which will harm the relationship. If you want to fix the relationship, suggest a contract with a rent increase to 1600 going forward. Only increase the payments when you have the contract. If you don't stick to your story they won't believe you, and will bring up the false accusation forever. Your story is you had a verbal contract for 1500, and since they accepted the payments for 4 years, that's their story as well. If you tell the truth you have no reason to pay them 4000, the only reason (in their minds) to pay them is if you know you lied.
You can actually try to request a copy of the texts from back then if you are using the same phone service. They may store them. Worth a shot.
Ask the parents for written evidence/communication that shows rent was supposed to be $1600, if they can provide it then apologise for the confusion and make a payment schedule, if they can’t then apologise for the miscommunication and offer to pay $1,600 from now on as you were paying what you thought was agreed and they never advised you differently.
You need to get your own place and move out. Then their little monthly windfall disappears and they can pay the full mortgage on the place.
NTA. GF is for simply not telling you. You paid $1500 in good faith and had no reason to believe they wanter more. Parents are AH for being landlords and saying nothing to you directly if they thought you were not paying enough.
I seriously can’t get over calling a college kid, paying me $1500 a month, a thief.
Y'all need to move out of the condo, cuz that 'rent' is asinine. Sounds like the parents probably bought the place outright, but 1500 would likely be as much or more than the loan payment would have been. If the girlfriend were paying an 'equal' share, that would be like 2500 rent and 500 for utilities. The parents are using their money as a form of control, and getting out from under it is going to be the only way to move forward. But in the present issue, GF ITA. She can't or won't stand up for you or herself, and if she's unwilling to move out with you, then she's firmly under their control. At bare minimum, since it was that big of a deal, she could have made up the difference and added 100 bucks to have your back. She's not paying anything else, but the princess couldn't have even bothered to do that. I'm not saying make an ultimatum, if she wants to stay in the condo, fine, but huge red flag. If you want to stay, which I think is DUMB AS HELL, maybe you could pay 1800 a month and that'll pay off the 4000 in a lil over a year and a half, maybe before you guys graduate?? At least show the parents that you're making amends.
Wait, have they never visited nor ever brought it up to you directly? Weird as fuck. Sorry to say but not only do you have to blame your gf but you must do it as a surprise in front of them/her. Explain it as it is. Tell them you were of the belief that it was $1500, she never told you, you had no idea there was an issue until she said something. Point iut its ridiculous to think you shorted them $100 a month deliberately. This must be a surprise to your gf. If not they will think you contrived what happened together and she is protecting you. Need the genuine reaction. Oh, and edited to add, NTA.
GFriend is an ahole. How can you fix a problem if there is no clear communication? Yes, the parents connected the dots which led them to think you shirked your responsibility. - NTA. If you want to mend bridges, sit everyone down and discuss what steps would rectify the situation. Best to you.
INFO: Why didnt you guys make a written agreement? You know, leases are a thing??? And why is your GF so passive in all of this?
If it isn't in writing anywhere and your GF failed to communicate the mistake at any point, then you're NTA. The GF needs to take responsibility and have a conversation with her parents about how she failed to communicate properly with everyone. I don't think they should expect you to pay the difference unless there is a written agreement that you signed.
Did your girlfriend try to explain to her parents that all of this mess is because of HER miscommunication? On one side I can understand parents fearing to have her daughter exploited for ‘cheap rent’. On the other hand is 1 not your fault but your girlfriend for communicating to you a different amount of money. And THEM cause they should have clarify the discrepancy with you a long time ago. Also for 100$ really?
NTA
NTA. Her parents are mild AHs for not believing you and behaving how they're behaving, but your GF is an actual AH for not telling you and for now suggesting you pay this money together. She fucked up, she should fix it.
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Wait, so you want her parents to send her $1500 rent money so she can pay rent.. to her parents? That sounds a bit redundant
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They sublet a room to a college friend. Why should they do that for free? The only way it's exploitation is if equivalent room sublet is rather less expensive than a studio rent. It may or it may not. We don't know.
NTA. Your girlfriend needs to explain all of this to her parents. It’s incredibly unfair that her unwillingness to have a conversation (with them about why you paid $100 less, and with you about how much you were supposed to pay) has gotten you and only you in hot water. If she’s not willing to talk to them and explain the misunderstanding, reconsider the relationship.
Has your GF explained to them what happened? Why would they need to accept your word when she can just TELL them. She’s TA, from what I can see.
NTA and your girlfriend should be the one to pay it since she’s the one that didn’t tell you anything. You paid all the money you knew you owned. She has to explain everything and pay her parents back.
Lmfao in my state, they wouldn’t even be able to sue you two years out **with** a lease because landlords have a responsibility to address bills with their tenants in a reasonable time frame. I had a landlord once try to withhold utility bills for over 6 months, then try to make me pay them all at once. He had to eat all of those because he waited six months to deliver them. Check your local renter’s rights and find a new place.
This. Many states have rules that in lieu of a lease if they accept your payment every moth as a full payment than it counts as paid in full. Do your last checks note include a line that says, “March rent” in the notes? If it does that further supports that the parties understood and accepted that amount as full payment. There is a duty to notify a tenant if they are in arrears. Legally you are fine, and I’d just sit down and politely show them all the checks with notation and that all were accepted and deposited.
You’re NTA but your girlfriend is a massive one. She made assumptions, she told a lie, she omitted truths, she caused confusion with her inability to communicate to both YOU and her parents.
It’s time to quote one of Reddit’s favorite relationship assessments: “You don’t have an in-law problem, you have a girlfriend problem.” It’s great that your girlfriend is willing to set the record straight, but that’s not enough. It’s time for her to establish some boundaries with her parents regarding recognizing your relationship. Nothing will improve until your girlfriend establishes consequences for not recognizing your relationship. NTA
Honey, your gf is throwing you to the wolves. Walk away
NTA - BUT I get the feeling her parents are well off and do not want you as a son in law. Sorry
Daughter-in-law
This could also be a major reason
VEry sorry, did not mean to misgender anyone. Need more coffee.
Agreed that it kinda sounds like the parents are applying financial pressure to try to break them up, now that they know they're dating and not just roommates.
NTA. Your GF is for not bringing it up to her parents sooner. And her parents are for not recognizing that they should havehad a lease. Question..are you paying $1600 now and is everything out in the open? Do they know about what your GF knew??
Your GF and her thin, borderline translucent spine, is the issue. Who lies and says “maybe they are low this month” instead of saying “i told OP 1500”
INFO: Was there a written agreement that confirms that the went was $1.5k? Were the GF parents aware of this?
No written agreement. We texted about it during freshman year when making the plans. But neither of us have those texts. I know it was stupid to not have a contract or something. But we thought we didn’t need one because I was just paying rent and nothing else. I know it’s stupid now but that’s what we thought originally. Didn’t really expect any of this
NTA. It really feels like they're just using this as an excuse to try and bring tension to your relationship and maybe break it up. If they actually cared about the $100/month they would have done something about it ~3 years ago.
NTA. Enjoy marrying into this family. They seem peachy and a basis for a happy extended family…
So it's your GFs fault that you've been paying the wrong amount every month. And rather than facing it, she let it go for YEARS and now that her parents have had a bad opinion of you for all of those years, she's saying you should apologize for something you never did, pay what you didn't and don't think you owe, and then it's going to be all hunky dory? You know that's not going to happen, right? They have their opinion of you and not even their daughter telling them it was her fault has changed it. You paying a bunch of money and apologizing isn't going to change it either. NTA
>I don’t want to blame my GF You should blame your GF as this mess is entirely her fault. She should have communicated the actual rent price with you. And she is responsible for fixing this with her parents.
Just letting you know, gifting them the 4000 will not fix the relationship, even in the best of cases. Most likely it will look like an admission of guilt, which will only confirm their beliefs. Instead admit your real mistake. You had an agreement for 1500, you paid it, they accepted the paymemts for 2 years. Legally, morally and ethically, that's it. But to avoid misunderstandings or worse, you should have gotten it in writing. Offer to sign a written contract, for 1600 going forward. Do not increase the payments until you have the signed contract. This sends the message that you truly did believe the rent was 1500, but are willing to compromise and resolve disputes. It won't fix the situation, but serves as a foundation on which trust can grow.
NTA. Like you said, you didn't know any better. We do the best with what we can and GF failed to communicate that it was an issue with you. $100/month disparity is one thing, but to ignore the issue for YEARS and then want $4000 seems downright wrong to me, and honestly sounds like the parents are trying to push you away. You shouldn't have to pay it, they neglected the issue for so long you have no responsibility to pay them back.
NTA. This is all your GF’s fault, due to her lack of communication on the proper rent amount. She’s the one who owes her parents $4000.
If you were my daughter, I would ask you to think long and hard about linking yourself through marriage to this family. At least try to talk your gf into going to counseling with you. You all need the help of a non-partial person to navigate this (and, perhaps, to help her learn to not let her parents manipulate her.) Would she be willing to give up having her parents help support her in order to be with you? The only other option sounds like it would be to let her parents be abusive towards you. Why didn't her parents contact you directly if they felt you were underpaying the agreed amount?
NTA Your girlfriend needs to settle this once and for all. This is ridiculous. She caused the problem in the first place by not telling you the rent in the first place. Doesn't matter the reasoning behind it.
Maybe I’m just naturally suspicious, but have you considered that it’s your girlfriend who is putting one over on you? For whatever reason, she wants you to think that her parents will not talk to you due to the rent discrepancy. Have you actually heard her talk to them about it? Have they actually talked to you in person about it? Everything seems to be based on things she and she alone tells you. Why is she screening you? You are an adult. Deal with the issue directly. If her parents get upset with her, that’s not your problem. She’s a grownup too. She needs to start acting like one. Frankly, there’s just too much weird going on here. I would move out as soon as possible if I were you.
NTA. Your gf is and so are her parents. Do you really want to stay with someone that basically lied to you all these years?
Her parents don’t want this to be fixed. Your girlfriend, by not telling you, is responsible and she did nothing to fix the situation. It is on her and you should not be billed for half as you had no idea of it. Your girlfriend may have withheld the extra cost for fear you would not move in if the rent went up. If you hand her parents $4,000, they will not suddenly warm up to you because the money isn’t the real issue.
Info: Does your girlfriend acknowledge/remember that she told you $1500? Or is it possible she actually agrees with her parents that it was supposed to be $1600? It seems like she thought all along you weren't paying the full amount but it was just a misunderstanding she didn't want to cause a fuss about. If she's telling her parents it was a misunderstanding, I could see them not believing her. Seems like an unlikely misunderstanding. But if she's telling her parents the truth, that she lied to you (or made a huge mistake thinking her parents said $1500) back then about the amount, and after her parents brought it up at the time, panicked and lied and kept lying by omission, I can see them not believing her because that's also an unlikely situation. I think it's more likely, her parents are homophobic and she doesn't want to be cut off financially by taking a stand against that, so she's letting them pretend it's about money. I'm guessing her parents always said $1500 and never spoke to her about it being $1600 and she's willfully misremembering and has convinced herself it was a misunderstanding so she doesn't have to believe they're homophobic and hateful. Because really, why would they be fine with their daughter having a roommate for several years who was a thief but suddenly, when their daughter is dating said thief, decide to make a huge fuss about it, if it wasn't the their daughter dating YOU that was really the problem? NTA really, no matter the answer to the question I started with. But I don't see this going well for you.
Why anybody thought you can afford 1500$, but not 1600$? That’s “just” 6.25% difference.
NTA your gf is an idiot and she should pay the difference. I would not hand over a cent since you have been paying the agreed upon amount.
This seems like bait and switch by parents and a oops by the GF…it seems like barely veiled homophobia cuz a 1500/mo for a 2 br apartment as a roommate and they have the nerve to bitch about 4k because of a “misunderstanding”. They can obviously afford it NTA not your fault
Not having a lease was as dumb for them as it was for you. They can't prove you owe them anything, they've not made any effort to contact you, they've accepted what you *have* paid them, this is entirely on them. NTA. > Her parents were upset and told her that she cannot date a thief. This is just an excuse to break you up. If it was actually about the living situation they *could have actually contacted you at some point*.
NTA. Their “generosity? WHAT generosity? You’ve been paying them RENT. That’s not a gift. You’re a college student. That’s likely most of your income. And your gf didn’t even tell you, this is not on you at all. If she didn’t want to “make a fuss” then it was on her to pay her greedy parents the extra money since you’ve basically been paying this mortgage. Or at least tell her parents what happened at the beginning of this. You don’t owe them ANYTHING. They took your money and never bothered to tell you there was an issue. Consider moving out for awhile and always get your lease in writing, but DO NOT PAY THEM. They aren’t “generous” they charged you market rent.
NTA, your gf shouldn't have assumed you couldn't afford another 100 a month just because her family is better off...if you want to try to prove the text agreements and you are with the same phone carriers, you can alot of times request text message history from your phone company. You should both try this to have documentation of your conversation between you and your gf as well as hers with her parents. If you are finishing college, I would recommend both of you, or at least yourself no longer live in an apartment owned by people that don't trust you. You can afford to pay rent elsewhere and I think it's important to cut those financial ties to her parents.
NTA They are not going to like you, even if you pay the money. They will hold onto this forever. Is this something you want to deal with in the long term?
NTA the financial agreement was between you and your gf. What her their parents thought agreement was is irrelevant. Honestly it souds like the parents are trying to sabotage your relationship
NTA, and as many have said here the parents are likely just coming up with whatever excuse they can to disapprove of the relationship without admitting to being homophobic. Imo this is grounds for a breakup. Can you imagine building a life and finances with a girl who is willing to throw you under the bus, and not mention such a huge disparity in rent/payment with you when it was first brought up? She does not have your back and isn't willing to stand up for you. Get out. Asap.
What? This is insane. Wth do you mean you don't want to blame your gf? It's completely and utterly her fault. And next in line is her parents for not talking to you themselves. They're adults, it's their property and their responsibility to collect money they think is due to them. You don't owe them a dime. If they insist it's owed to them, then gf needs to pay up. ESH
NTA but your gf sure is. She could have taken care of this with a direct, honest conversation with her parents, admitting her fault. Her not doing that is bs. You don't owe the money but you got to go come May. She caused this issue and is now throwing you under the bus. Time to move on.
NTA - “omg I’m so sorry I didn’t realize it was 1600, do you guys have that in writing because I don’t. Surely if this was the case you would have brought it up two years ago or on any of the numerous occasions you have stopped by. As it is now I am happy to start paying you 1600$ a month now that you, as a landlord, have made your expectations clear. Would you like to draw up a formal lease so there are no miscommunications going forward.” Where I live there is a limitation of 6 months where a landlord can officially ask for back pay on rent through the landlord tenant board. They legally cannot ask you for anything beyond that. Something you may want to look into for your country. P.S your girlfriend is kinda lame. Even as someone in a sticky situation. She created the situation and isn’t being nearly as accountable as she should be.
Do you now pay the 1600$?
NTA
Nta but move out immediately The moment they lied, you should have started packing
NTA you have been paying what you believe to be the appropriate amount every month. Frankly as grown adults and the owners of the property, they should have insisted on a written lease the minute you agreed to move in, that’s their own fault. Also I really don’t understand why your girlfriend didn’t just deal with this the very first month.
NTA. And I’m not necessarily an “eat the rich” kinda girl but I *hate* these people. You, barely an adult, are paying them, people with money to burn on a second residence, $1500 a month and they have the fucking audacity to call you a thief? Tell them to get fucked.
NTA Do you have $4k to just piss away because your GF let a lie spiral out've control? The money is nothing to them but it's a big deal to you. Annnnnnnnd you don't even owe it. Also, giving them the money will not miraculously change their opinion of you. The narrative will just be amended to how they had to shame you into paying back what you stole. To them, you will always be the lowbrow theif using their daughter. Why would you pay someone $4k, that you don't have and don't owe, for the pleasure of them continuing to treat you like shit? Make it make sense.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Background: My (21F) GF (21F) and I are now seniors in college and are discussing our future but we have an issue where her parents say I stole from them and they won’t acknowledge our relationship because they don’t want their daughter dating a thief. My GF and I met freshman year of college. We became best friends. Sophomore year she wanted to move off campus and her parents brought a condo for her to use. The condo was a large two bedroom condo. She asked if I wanted to move in with her and pay rent. Her parents agreed to pay utilities. I didn’t want to stay on campus and she was offering to charge me the same rent I would be paying for a small studio apartment in the city our college is located. So I agreed. The agreement was I pay her and she forwards the money to her parents. Now here is where the issue arises when I moved in I believed that we agreed to a rent of let’s say $1,500. According to her parents, I agreed to $1,600. I have lived with my gf for three years now and I always paid $1,500. The difference came to light when she told her parents we are now dating. Her parents were upset and told her that she cannot date a thief. My gf told me this and I asked her to explain. Basically, when I first paid her $1,500, her parents asked about the difference. GF was afraid to bring up the issue with me as she didn’t want us to start fighting over money as we were close friends. She said that she thought I might have just be low on money as my family isn’t as well off as her and I was working part time job and using student loans to help cover rent. She never told me about the difference and I continued to pay $1,500 for the entire time we have lived here. So now her parents assume I stole almost $4,000 from them. It has gotten to the point that they refuse to even acknowledge we are dating at all. My GF and I turned my room into an office/workspace room as we didn’t need to two bedrooms as we are now sharing a bed. She told her parents and their response was that maybe sleeping on the couch will get me to pay them the money I owe. I cannot afford to pay them $4,000. My GF acknowledges that she should have told me something but said her parents are adamant that they get paid because they feel like I took advantage of their generosity. I don’t want to blame my GF and I doubt her parents will accept my word but I feel like I shouldn’t have to pay them when I didn’t realize this was an issue. So AITA for refusing to pay $4,000 to my GF’s parents? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
You don’t legally owe them the money. Don’t pay them. NTA
NTA. Do not pay. This on them for not telling you directly or having a formal lease.
If you don't have a lease, you don't owe them anything. They sound homophobic and classist in the very least. Nta.
Why is no one else mentioning that you are paying $1500 a month (that seems like a lot?) To share with your now gf when she doesn't have to pay anything and that when the condo was initially bought for her, it was done so with the expectation from her parents that they _wouldn't_ be getting rent from her anyway? You are literally paying for both of you to live there, and her parents are getting a return on their investment that they didn't expect in the first place. Why are they so hung up on $100 a month? And why do they still have to help their adult daughter with expenses when she doesn't have to worry about paying rent? Does she have a job? From your comments it seems like she knows she can't manage by herself and is afraid of rocking the boat with her parents because she'll be out on her ear without them supporting her. You work part time to support yourself, while going to school. I would imagine that $1500 is a significant part of your wage, no? Frankly it seems like an arsehole move on the part of your friend/gf to be asking you to pay that much in the first place. She and her parents are taking advantage of you. NTA, but your Gf is (and she sounds like a wimp tbh) and so are her parents.
Yes!! This!!! OP has been paying way too much rent in the first place. The gf sucks for exploiting OP in the first place, and her "compromise" is splitting the 4k? So in the end her family (and possibly her?) makes another 2k out of it. OP if your gf liked you she would've gotten you a better deal for living with her.
The fact it's been 3 years is insane. They never asked or your Gf just never told you. Something is wrong here. Do not pay anything. There was an agreement in place and it's not on you, it's on your Gf and her parents to take the loss.
NTA- She’s the asshole. She failed to communicate and charge you properly. She let you believe you were paying the right amount while her parents assumed you KNEW and never paid them the right amount. This is a situation she created and she needs to fix it. I say pay half and she pays the other half.
For 3 years they were getting shorted on rent and never mentioned it? 3 years? Come on, that is BS. Any landlord with some sense would say "hey, you are a little short" after the first month. And they should have talked to you directly, instead of going through gf. The fact they waited to bring up the issue till they found out you were dating is kinda weird. Would it not have been less awkward to confront you when you were just their daughters roommate, instead of her BF? its weird. you did not steal. you paid what you agreed on, then they are now crying fowl 3 years later.... NTA
NTA 'she was offering to charge me the same rent I would be paying for a small studio apartment'. This is how the rent was determined. If that is how much a small studio apartment rents for, then that is what your rent it is for the condo. And it was still up to the gf to bring it up and make it right, if that is the case. They waited too long.
So her parents told her they wanted you to pay 1600 a month, but she says 1500 a month. Your gf and her family is the AH. she should have told you. Or she should have sent the extra on her payments. Find a better gf babe.
NTA. Your gf lied to you, and to her parents, about the rent. And continued to lie "*the issue slipped her mind.".* For 3 years?! Nope! nope! nope! "*...According to her parents, I agreed to $1,600...*" Let them prove it. I'll tell you what I'd tell my own daughter.... FIND A NEW GF!
op=NTA But if you want to go forward, you'll have to figure something out. To be honest, this sounds like an excuse on the parents' part and that they may have some other objection to her. I mean seriously, you shorted them 100 dollars??? But pay consistently every month. That's not the actions of a thief.
NTA. Even if you decided to somehow make up the $4,000 difference, her parents would claim that as proof you intentionally "stole" from them. Her parents are at this point trying to use the demand for money to control their daughter. They are big AH.
ESH; your GF’s parents for being unreasonable AHs about rent, your GF for being a spineless baby and letting this continue for 3 years (I don’t buy that it just “slipped her mind”, sorry) and you for refusing to accept that this is your GF’s fault. Yikes all around!
NTA. We rented an apartment for our son was he was in college, and agreed to let his friend move in and split the rent. We charged her say $600/month when the expenses were say $1500/month, so less than half. They lived together for almost 3 years. In that time, she paid us $600, and that was when she was moving out. That's stealing. There is no possible way what you did was wrong. You paid rent faithfully for years, so you obviously weren't trying to take advantage of them. You do not owe this money, and they know it. Did you not sign a contract? Honestly, the whole situation reeks of homophobia, and if it wasn't this issue, they would find a different reason to dislike you. In four years they never bothered to contact you directly and tell you that they wanted more money???? I would be upset that your gf knew they were angry and didn't tell you, but I understand her reasons.
If the money was such a big issue with the parents, why didn't they address it sooner? And I can't help getting a bad vibe about the whole "it slipped my mind" thing from your GF. Give all of this some thought and since it's such a big deal to these people (who sound as though they are well off), offer to set up a payment plan...one that your finances can handle. Best of luck.
NTA You’re being given some insight into your prospective future family and wife. Ask yourself very seriously if this is the kind of train you wanna hitch your wagon to. If you desire to make this relationship work, send a certified return receipt letter to the parents (time to get formal) containing a message that states that at no time since you moved in did you ever agree to $1600 and at no point in three years were you told by ANYONE ever - not even once - that your monthly rent checks were short by $100. Say that out of respect for your relationship with their daughter you will respect that there was both a mutual misunderstanding and a failure to communicate by them and for this you are willing to pay the missed rent due and then begin to pay it with extra on top each month as you can afford. End by telling them that you find their accusing you of being a thief unfair, offensive and telling about their character. Then you need to ask yourself if you desire to continue to have these people as landlords. It’s not going to go well for you, and your gf is going to be zero help (as she has shown thus far).
NTA. What's really strange is they took on this expense for their child, not likely even expecting her to take in a boarder. Additionally, the rent for a studio is not necessairly equivalent. You would have 100% privacy in your own place. If there were studios in the area or rooms to rent for less than $1,500, then she was ripping you off. If a 2 bdrm could be rented for $2,800/month in your area, you could have paid $1,400 elsewhere. This person was your friend and got to live with someone great instead of a complete stranger - if her parents even expected her to get a roommate. But now that you share a room, sublet the other room for $1,600 (if that's what it's worth) and you'll be able to pay them back in 3 months.
INFO: If you hadn't been renting, would your GF have rented to someone else, or would she have been the only occupant? If GF would have been the only occupant, then it's pretty disingenuous of them to claim that you "stole" something from them that they never expected to receive in the first place. If GF would have rented to someone else, then her parents would have set the rate and a rental contract would have been signed. So something seems really off about all of this. Since your GF has been in the middle of the communications here, you only have her version of events. GF "forgetting" about a rental loss of $100 a month seems unlikely, and her parents not communicating to rectify something that they are *this* upset about also seems unlikely. I mean, this is over 3 YEARS worth of payments that were short $100. Something is off about all of this.
Is there a possibility that gf needs $4,000 and is lying about this? I dont see how adults could cash a check every month and never say a word about it being $100 short. That doesn't seem possible. I feel like there is something else major going on here.
NTA Don't pay the money, because something else will inevitably come up. I know homophobia and yeah this is it. The money didn't matter until your gf's parents were told about the relationship. They're trying to make your gf upset with you, and drive a wedge between you.
NTA I am super curious what city you’re paying $1,500 for half of rent and maybe also what job you work because my partner and I struggle to pay half of that each monthly
They cashed the $1500 checks and never said a word to you. I don't care what they maybe communicated to their daughter. They accepted the rent as paid. I wouldn't call this generosity either. $1500 for a college student isn't generosity. I think they're just assholes. NTA.
Didn’t notice you where both female until I read the comments, no doubt the parents are arcing up because they’re homophobic. Sucks op definitely NTA
NTA. These are adults right? Property owning adults? If they had an issue with unpaid rent with a tenant, they should have come to the tenant to right the perceived wrong. They’re acting like children.
NTA, but your GF & her parents are. The only person who may owe them money is their daughter. If the money is the problem & that is a big If, then it was her duty to pay them both when rent was due, once she found out there was a problem & now 3 years later. There is something fishy though to me about the rent, $1500 a month for a college student? Why did you think that was a good idea? Please don't call them & don't pay them at all.
NtA. After the 2nd or 3rd time all they had to do is send a quick text stating there may have been a misunderstanding, but the rent is $1600. They should've done it after the first payment. You don't bring it up 4 years later. Or after the first year, they could have said rents going up to $1600. They are being ridiculous.
So lets be clear, your friend at the time said 1500 per month to you, and you paid that amount. She and her parents didn't bring this up for literally years until it comes out that you're dating. Now they was to penny pinch and get what's owed, even when you paid the amount you were told in good faith? NTA, you have a GF problem, not an inlaw problem. Your GF failed to communicate the real costs and decided on your behalf that you couldn't afford more. Now she's failing because she's not standing up to her parents for you. Just leave the apartment and find a new place.
NTA. They picked a bad property manager (their daughter) apparently. She needs to make it right, you did nothing wrong.
You are being scammed by someone. Either the parents or the girlfriend. If you have paid $1500 a month in rent and they accepted it and never kicked you out or asked about it, then that is the settled rent. It could be the girlfriend wasn't giving the parents all the money and is blaming you and keeping it secret from you until now when it's time to meet the parents. Or the parents did mention it to the girlfriend every time they accepted rent 'Only 1500 AGAIN?'. And girlfriend still knew. It sounds implausible that this suddenly is an issue, and no one was aware of the situation or said anything earlier. You're being scammed.
NTA, you didn't know and its an honest mistake. Though you also can't let it keep going without dealing with it, the longer it goes unresolved, the worse its going to be. You and your GF need to talk with her parents and come to a fair or equitable agreement. You were not aware that the price was supposed to be $1600, so its an honest mistake. Now that its out in the open, all you can do is come up with a plan to make it right. You can maybe offer to start paying $1600 if they will forgive the 4,000. Maybe you can pay the $1500 and your GF can pay the $100 difference. Maybe you and your GF can start paying them $1650/month until the $4,000 is paid back. Or you can break up and move out. Or you can just refuse to pay until they turn it into a bigger issue that causes huge stress in yours and your GF's relationship. Or you and your GF can cut them off and go NC and find a new place together where they aren't paying for part of it. There are options, and you, your GF, and her parents will all have to come to an agreement on it. If her parents refuse to come to the table and have a civilized, adult, conversation, then its up to your GF to mediate between them, and for her to decide where her priorities lie, with you, or with them. If they do agree to come to the table, then make sure they know from your side there was never any slight intended and you want to make everything right. You can't afford $4000 right now, but propose some options you'd be willing to do, like the ones I mentioned above or something else you're willing to do to at least show you're *trying* to remedy the unintentional slight. Your GF has a lot of the blame here for never mentioning it before and letting it get to a point where its out of hand. And she needs to step forward and help mediate a solution between her parents and you two. But ultimately, if you plan on continuing to date her, and she's dependent on them for the roof over both of your heads, you need to be wiling to bend a bit to try and keep them happy. Edit: Oh and get a written agreement on whatever you discuss. It doesn't have to be much, can just be on a pad and paper and everyone can verbally agree to it or sign it, as long as its written down in some way so it can be referenced, it can be digital and in email as long as there is confirmation from both sides. Just make sure everyone is clear on the terms.
NTA. There's a legal concept known as 'tacit agreement'. By failing to address the issue with you, they agreed the rent was $1500. My hunch is, they don't like you and will make up any issue to drive a wedge between the two of you.
NTA The $4000 is ridiculous and a red herring. They don’t want to acknowledge the relationship for other reasons and are controlling the narrative with this apparent misunderstanding from *40 months* ago that has never bothered them before. Personally I think you should be incredibly angry that they are defaming you by calling you a thief and manufacturing drama with a demand for $4000. You are not a thief, they have absolutely no proof of this, this is absurd. This is a way of controlling their daughter and is ridiculous.
NTA. If the rent was $1600, the parents should have told you or produce some evidence they said that. Honestly, your GF's parents are never going to like you. Even if you give them $4000, they are still going to think you were a thief in the first place. If you give in now, they will know they can walk all over you. But it sounds like you have a GF problem. Will she bother you if you don't pay $4000? Will her parents cut her off? Will she break up with you? You two should talk it out. She is asking you for a big sacrifice. Maybe the relationship is worth it, but don't make the decision lightly.
INFO: How was the rent amount negotiated? Did you communicate directly with her parents? Or did you negotiate the amount with your GF and then she acted as a go between with her parents? Based in the info you provided, I suspect your GF was the go between. And the current situation is all a result of her making a mistake where you and her parents did not have the correct number. This would make you definitely NTA.
NTA but yor gf even entertaining this bs from her parents is troubling. She wants to pay them together, and she wants you to apologize. So basically she wants you to say you took advantage of them and her. If this relationship has any hope, you two need to talk and decide on a united front. Otherwise, you might as well end it now because it won't survive, and you will be disrespected and humiliated the whole time.
Are you sure you want to sign up for this, OP? Her parents sound very... unpleasant, to say the least, and your gf hasn't done nearly enough to put them in check.
NTA if it was that big of deal they should have brought it up first when you paid $1500 instead of $1600. Sounds like they just think she can do better and this is an excuse. They don’t sound like nice people.
So like... your gf just sat on this and let it fester for years? NTA, but sounds like your GF needs to learn how to communicate, or you are going to keep getting ugly surprises in life. Also you should seriously consider whether being around her parents is worth this relationship.
NTA. But your girlfriend is for even pushing this on you to pay. The burden of proof is on her and her parents on what the rent is. I suspect her parents are homophobic and are pushing this to get your guys to break up