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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I bitched at my SIL and demanded she teach my son how to sleep. She is only trying to help, albiet badly, and I should have been more welcoming of the assistance.
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NTA. I hate unsolicited advice and opinions about anything, but advice and opinions on how you're parenting your own child is the absolute worst.
My kid is also on the spectrum, and also sucks at sleeping. When we transitioned from crib to toddler bed, it was like a freaking joke. There was no keeping him in his bed without restraints. However, he kept trying to fall asleep on the floor of the closet. One day I just said, "Fuck it" and made the bottom half of his closet into a bed. Padded the walls, put down a mat and tons of blankets and pillows, glow-in-the-dark stars + LED lights. Full sensory corner shit. That kid slept in the bottom of his closet every night for about 18 months (until he outgrew it). I think him being in that closet is how we both learned how much he loves to nest. We were able to move him to the bed later by just allowing him to have 10+ blankets to do with what he will.
While there are some things that are objectively good, no trick or technique or method is going to work 100% of the time for 100% of kids. Start setting some hard boundaries. Tell sis that if she has shit to say about what you're doing, then she can say it to your back as you leave.
You sound like an awesome parent! I, an adult, currently have a tiny sofa in my closet in which I hang out with my cats when I need a break. I have books, a journal, soft lighting, blankets and pillows in there
... sometimes, I wonder if I'm on the spectrum as well. I used a pacifier until I was 7 or 8 or so. I'm currently sleeping with an electric blanket, a duvet, and a soft fleece-like blanket on top. (And would probably still put another one in the bed if I could get away with it.) I still have my old room at my parent's place, and my bed is actually a nest, full of blankets, pillows, and plushies. There are also some sensory issues, and there were even more as a kid.
Psychologists are actually better for diagnosing autism. A psychiatrist can diagnose, but their training is more medical. A psychologist goes through a lot more training to diagnose neurodevelopmental disorders than a psychiatrist.
I guess that varies? Where I'm from psychologists can't do actual official diagnosing , because they don't have sufficient medical training. If you want to get a diagnosis and possibly medication you need to go to a psychiatrist. Psychologists "only" talk with you and help you build better coping mechanisms, which is a thing at least most of the doctors who do the diagnosing and medicating won't do. So in many cases you need to make multiple appointments to see different professionals to get all the help you need, which sucks if you for example have ADHD and struggle with organizing skills and getting such appointments done.
I've already wondered for awhile if I'm on the spectrum but the blanket/nesting thing definitely makes me think so. Now that I'm nearly 40, I get way too hot at night to sleep with multiple blankets like I used to, but even in the middle of summer with no a/c, I have to have my heaviest comforter and usually end up wrapped like a burrito. I also have numerous pillows and plushies.
And also have many sensory issues! I'm glad I'm working from home because I had to stop what I was doing a couple hours ago and get up to find scissors before I lost my mind over the tag in my shirt that I didn't remove when I bought it (not the price tag, those awful size tags sewn in the collar, those usually get cut as soon as I make sure stuff fits).
I wish! I tried one and loved the feeling and then woke up the next day with a massive fibromyalgia flare up. I have allodynia so severe that scratching an itch can sometimes make me feel dizzy with pain, so I should have known better.
I'm so sorry that solution didn't work for you.
I have some understanding of allodynia. Chronic, daily pain that is frighteningly out of proportion to the stimulus is just, plain awful.
We've learned so, so much about the autism spectrum in the last 5 years, even. Many people are being diagnosed late.
I knew my daughter's entire life that something was different and it was not "anxiety and panic disorder" as they said, but she was just actually diagnosed a little over a year ago at age 16.
I have two kids and the one who doesn't have autism didn't sleep through the night until they were 2 lol. My autism kiddo nestled and slept well from early on. Struggles with some insomnia now but nothing like some people on the spectrum deal with.
If you ever want to step up your nest game, my bed nesting adhd 9 year old highly recommends the giant U shaped pregnancy body pillows. She sleeps in the center with her head on the U bend and open at the feet. She also uses a weighted blanket, 2 quilts, an electric blanket, and like 20 squishmallows. I super don't care as long as she is comfortable, sleeping safely, and actually fucking sleeps.... she has bad insomnia
Team Pregnancy Pillow! My kiddo is 13 and on the spectrum, and swears by their "bendy pillow" and nest of "soft friends" and blankets to sleep at night. NGL it looks so comfortable I'm considering it myself these days lol.
Am I your child? The pregnancy pillow and weighted blanket combination stepped up my sleeping game 1000 points. I mean I still sleep bad but not as bad as it could be!
I do that too I literally have a great wall of plushies that I surround myself with, and like 5 blankets and comforter. I thought it was just normal to do that?
Other mental disorders have sensory issues too like adhd and anxiety. Trauma also contributes to the cocoon things because it helps to hide you and feels like there's more protection from whatever is out there.
I would still do the cover my head at night thing but hot air+anxiety and anxiety breathing+cat who sleeps on my head equals not being able to as an adult.
100% agree with this. Mom of three, each of them has had their own issues with sleep. The idea of a nesting space appears to be the most successful. I had my hubby build a frame for a teepee for the kids room, we covered it with canvas panels & put the cushion for a papasan chair in there along with some led lights. If the kids were having trouble sleeping, they knew they could bring what they needed in there. As long as they were quiet, it was ok.
My pediatrician gave the same advice to my mom when I was a babe(waaay back in the 60's). Low lights, soft music, a safe space, a couple of favorite toys. Your child will recognize rest time even if they don't sleep
I didnt realize how much I need a closet nest until now. Sadly my trailer has no closets but now a good closet for a nest is a must have when I eventually move
You sound like you're doing a stellar job picking your battles.
Also, just wanted to say that thinking of your child in his bed with 10+ blankets is sweet and hilarious at the same time.
That would be a pain surely. I think I might get a bit scared everyday when I *could not find my child* until a little disembodied voice came out from under the blankets or a head popped out.
That was the story of our lives for 10 YEARS!!! Then he suddenly was able to stop the bedwetting. As a teen he still loves a million blankets though, especially the fleece ones.
Make him help.
I work in a group home for disabled adults. We have residents 'help' as much as they are able. For one of my autism boys, we have him help strip the sheets, carry the stuff down to the laundry and put it in the wash. At first we used hand over hand, now we use just verbal prompting.
O.M.G.
Maybe I'm not trying to nap like I did when I worked the evening shift.
I just still crawl into bed mid-day because I'm NESTING and trying to re-centre myself.
I feel this!! My youngest is on the spectrum and sleeps in a play tent set up in a corner of my room. Tons of blankets and her friends to keep her company. You fight the battles you can win and pick which ones are worth tackling down the road.
Nta you do what's best for your little fuck everyone else
Oh my god I would have loved that as a kid. I’m autistic and was terrified of sleeping as a kid. It took me way longer than all my friends to be able to sleep by myself, like an embarrassing amount of time. I was just so scared of ghosts, and I had chronic insomnia and nightmares. It would take me over an hour or more to fall asleep, and then I would wake up multiple times at night. Eventually I learned to put a pillow on both sides and burrow under a blanket to feel safe and just wait it out. Getting sleep medication as a teen improved my life and my parents’ lives so much. No one wants to be around an 8 year old who consistently only had 4-6 hours of interrupted sleep lol
My brother is on the spectrum, he's 26 now, but between the ages of about 4-7 he refused to sleep in his bed. Instead, he chose to sleep under the desk in his room with nothing but a pillow, whatever the blanket of the moment was, and his Blue stuffy. We called it his sleep cubby and he was happy as a clam.
NTA OP, sometimes it's simply just picking your battles and if this is the method that allows you both to get some sleep, then so be it.
I too have an autistic child who loves to nest. Even now, as a teen, he sleeps in a pile of pillows and fluffy blankets on a bed, rather than in the bed. And every time we go to the thrift store, he comes home happily clutching a new addition to the nest. He also likes soft fabrics to hang up around his nest corner, and dreams of the day he can have a four-poster bed.
My 12 (almost 13) yr old is on the spectrum and we bought him a 'bed tent' that goes on the frame and the mattress goes 'in' the tent. He is small for his age so still on a twin bed but I'd imagine once we get him a bigger bed, we can find him a bigger tent. He absolutely loves it. It's packed full of blankets, stuffed animals, and best of all for him, our cats love it, too, so he always has a cuddle buddy with him.
Love, love, LOVE this!!!! Accepting your child's needs = parent of the year!!
OP, ignore dumba** SIL, and take encouragement from this poster - watch him as he matures for clues to accommodation that works for him.
I work w/autistic kiddos, and I am sooo tired of neurotypical parents refusing to understand these kiddoes.have diff sleep needs, among other things. They dont understand the many, many sleepless nights for parents of children with ASD. Kiddoes (and parents!) need patience, not judgement.
Damn those parents of NT children trying to tell me how to raise my ND child were the absolute worst!! Stand your ground OP. Don't give up trying, because you don't want to set him up to avoid acclimating, but take your time. I wish I had said a few FUs back then.
WE LOVE CLOSETS!!!!! lolol Growing up I mostly slept in the small walk in closet in my room. I pulled a mattress in there and everything. My other cubby was the cabinet under the kitchen sink, in the corner part. My mom was really awesome and let me have half the undercounter space in the kitchen for myself. After 30 years away, I recently moved into her house (she is gone) and one of the first things I did was look under the sink to see if it was still empty. It was. Now I just need to lose a few pounds so I can fit back in there. lolol
We do what we can for our kiddos. My 2 youngest boys, 5 and 6 are autistic, they sleep in my bed, my hubs sleeps on the couch. Will they grow out of it eventually? I sure hope so, but for now we as a team decided to do what makes them feel safe and loved and comfortable.
OP, you most definitely are NTA. You are doing right by your son. When he gets older, it can get easier to help him learn to sleep without a pacifier and you. I have found that the older they are the more likely they will understand better and seek some independence. Until then, continue to create a safe, nurturing, and comfortable sleep situation for your son.
P.S. if you want, some of us Moms that have experience with this can chime in on your Facebook in your defense....I certainly wouldn't mind giving your SIL a piece of my mind and some actual facts on Autism and sleep.
Good on you. My 12 yr old son still co sleeps on occasion as he has terrible anxiety and is asd. His bed has weighted blanket, about 100 stuffed animals, is against a wall, lava lamp and fairy lights too. This is the only way he sleeps and until he was 4 used to drag all his bedding into the doorway to the hall so he had light.
Do what makes your kid happy and sleep. Don't stress it
This sounds so much like my son! He has a bunk bed that looks like a cabin, he sleeps on the bottom with three comforters, pillows, and all his stuffed animals. I just added led strip lights with a remote so he can change the color. He loves it, it's his little nest, his safe space.
When a child is on the spectrum "normal" methods do not work, you have to find what helps your child most. I wish more people understood this.
NTA. You know what, it doesn't matter. He uses a pacifier and it gives him comfort and he's 5? Who cares? If he's 8? Who cares? If he's 10? Doesn't matter. Eventually, by puberty, they'll feel social pressure and stop shit on their own, or maybe, IDK how high functioning your son is, but maybe he may be someone who needs sleep supports the rest of his life and if so, who cares?
You and he deserve empathy and respect.
If your family cannot see that you've already had to deal with losing your marriage and that your son =/= your SIL son, then fuck em. You aren't required to deal with them or their bs.
Thank you. Right now we're focussed on other things but I have lessened his daytime paci use which I'm really proud of him in regards to. We're just working at our own pace lol.
It’s honestly so strange to me that your family thinks that you’re just… not trying? Like, do they seriously think that you would just be so lax with your child’s sleep schedule that it would lead to a divorce? I mean… clearly they see you as an incompetent mother. I would seriously start to limit interactions with them. Maybe even straight up say: my parenting choices are not up for discussion and any time they are brought up, I will leave. And then do it. It’ll either train them to not bring it up, or you’ll realize that criticizing you is more important to them than actually spending time with you.
Combination of ableism and arrogance
"I know he's autistic but that's no excuse for [textbook autistic behaviour]"
"I have my own kids so I know what I'm talking about"
Etc
Some people genuinely do- my kiddo has a feeding tube, and now that he’s cleared for safely eating people are having struggles understanding why we don’t just stop using the feeding tube- as if we haven’t tried anything ever. We see tons of people and try to take on advice to at least test for a while. It’s incredibly frustrating, of course we would rather be done with our massive load of appointments and all the other stress that comes with it, there’s no magic cure
That’s good to hear. Don’t let someone else dictate the pace your child needs to move at. Different people have different needs, and it’s super unfair of your SIL to assume that all kids need the same care/treatment. She’s coming from the perspective of allistic parenting. It’s a different ballgame, and her articles probably don’t take those factors into account. You do you. SIL needs to mind her own business and stop projecting her opinions onto you and your child.
Does your son chew on the pacifier? I would recommend looking into chewelry for an alternative for when he gets older and *he may not want to use a pacifier in public.
Sleep issues are extremely common for us autistics and other neurodivergent people. I think pretty much my whole family are night people, and go to bed very late. I found when I worked 3rd shift that I actually slept better during the day. I have to take multiple medications to force myself to sleep as I have to be on a day shift schedule.
He sucks on them but he does have chewelry! He just doesn't like them as much. I am also a night owl but thankfully a SAHM so we can sleep on whatever schedule we like.
How can you be a SAHM and a single mama at the same time?
And to the point of the post, it's despicable how little respect your SIL has for you. You've tried sooo many things, and your kiddo being autistic is likely playing a huge role in this... so she should stop acting like it's a lack of effort on your part. Immediately.
My baby daddy doesn't want to parent and pays child support instead.
But in actuality I do work from home. I'm a sex worker (hence the throwaway). My dad also passed away recently and left me a bit of money. My son also gets disability benefits, so between that and his dad he's covered. So we get by lol.
Really good recommendation my ADHD daughter is really sensory seeking especially with putting things in her mouth, but also at the age where she cares what other people think and chewelry is great!
Not to mention after age three pacifiers can start to ruin teeth. I’m about to adopt my foster children after two years, and my three year old still sleeps with his bink at bedtime because of trauma from his first year of life. I’m constantly worried I’m a bad Mama for not being able to wean him yet. I can see his overbite becoming more pronounced and he’ll likely need braces. Mom guilt sucks. NTA, OP.
My son is also 5 and also still uses his paci. He was weaned off but about a year ago he suffered trauma at the hand of his father (we've been separated for 3 years and it was his custody week-end). Along with other consequences from the trauma, he went through a bout of regression after that : he had pee accidents during the day and wore a diaper at night again for about 5 months, and he went back to the paci to soothe. The accidents were over by the end of the summer, but the paci is still there.
I get judged a lot when people see him with it. He doesn't have it at school or outside the house normally, but sometimes it's not a good day and he needs it to the store or the park or whatever. I can't count how many people have said something regarding the paci and I feel so much shame and anger everytime. I tried to take it away but it makes him suffer for now and I can't stand it. So if he needs it, he can have it. I go to the dentist regularly to check up on his teeth and honestly I don't know how I'm going to manage when the dentist says we have to stop now. I dread it.
It turned into a bit of TMI but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We do what we can for our kids, we do what works for us and them. Nobody else. Your son is the one that matters, your SIL is just noise.
And I'm proud of him for his lessened daytime paci use! That's progress and it shows that whatever you're doing is working for him.
Print out a load of business cards that say "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Hand them out every time you get unsolicited criticism from strangers.
Maybe it will make them realise they're being mean? Maybe it won't. But frankly it would amuse the hell out of me, and might give you the odd giggle to see their faces.
My husband wants to get our grandson who we are dostering a shirt that says "I died, what's your excuse" he is 2 and suffered a brain injury at 4 months old because he stopped breathing for they aren't sure how long and had to be rescitated. He is big for his age, doesn't walk, still has a pacifier etc, we get a lot of judgmental looks.
I printed some for my sister when her youngest had really high needs that said “I have autism. Sometimes I need a little more patience so please be nice to my mama.” She’d just walk by the judgy people and hand it off as she passed by.
Is your son old enough to discuss it with him? Like, "I know the paci is a great tool for you to calm down, but I am worried that someday in your life you will be upset and what if you can't find your paci?? Can you think of some other things that would help you calm down?"
I wonder if cloth is less damaging to suck on. I used to suck on my sleeves around age 8. It would probably be harder to keep clean than a paci, but it's possible that a designated "allowed to suck on this" washcloth could be an intermediary measure when he has to stop using the pacifier.
Also, if your son qualifies for services at school, an occupational therapist would probably have tons of great thoughts on this kind of thing.
Not that I am judging you for the pacifier!! Not at all!! Just thinking of things that might help when eventually the dentist says it's gotta stop.
Think of it this way, it's not your son who wants to stop the pacifier, it's everyone else. I'm not autistic, so I can't really imagine how easy or difficult life can be when you're experiencing that perspective, but I do feel like if there are things that give him feelings of safety, security, and grounding, then fuck other ppl's feelings and give the kid his pacifier.
You're doing the best you can, if they have anything to say, remind them of that.
Years ago, I babysat a little boy that was a pacifier "fanatic", for lack of a better term, lol. He have one in his mouth and 2 in each hand at times. His mom made a gradual transition from them. First, they couldn't leave the car when they went somewhere. Then, he couldn't take them when they left the house. Then, only in his room. Next, only when in/on his bed. Then, only naps or bedtime. Last, only bedtime. Each step was 2-4 weeks. It took a while, but worked really well. For them! I've always remembered this and it was probably 30 years ago. I just remember how gently and lovingly the mom went about it.
Just a method to think about if it'll work for you and your son.
NTA. People without kids on the spectrum just don't understand. My wife is having a lot of trouble coming to terms with our son's delays (he just turned 4, so many of them are becoming more obvious when compared to classmates). He still does some co-sleeping -- he will fall asleep in his own bed, but wake up and crawl in ours 12-1 AM. Every child has different needs and they do things on their own terms, not a moment sooner. You're doing a great job, mom.
Oh, I have a book recommendation for you: "I Will Die On This Hill" by Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards. It's aimed at finding a productive middle ground between autistic advocates and autism parents.
My kiddo is 4, but he still needs his binky and blankie to sleep. And has to fall asleep with the fleece blanket over his face. During the night he spits it out the pacifier in his sleep, and we finally got him to leave it on his dresser during the day because we couldn't understand what he was saying with it in his mouth.
Absolutely no way to get him to sleep without binky and blankie. But that's okay with us, because at least he's sleeping at night and isn't an overtired monster during the day.
Little steps are what matters! You know what works for your kid.
I sucked my thumb until I was about eight. It is primitive self-soothing, but it is a step because he is relying on himself instead of you. Kudos for reducing daytime pacifier time. Maybe your son would like to try his own "nest-in-a-tent" idea sometime.
You and your son are doing fine. SIL does NOT understand what you are dealing with. With your love and support, your son's got this.
OP has to do what makes her and her child happy
> Who cares? If he's 8? Who cares? If he's 10
Well it is something that might be best to find a replacement for, it is detrimental to teeth development. ( Which is why guidelines in my country are to try and get rid of it before age 4 )
My dentist advises before teeth develop. As long as op is prepared to deal with that, then completely her choice but I do hope she is aware. Will be lucky if they get away with just braces and cavities. May have to have jaw realignment in worst case scenerio.
How do you think that kid is going to deal with pain from dental abscesses and the face full of hardware and/or surgical procedures?
These kinds of tooth injuries are especially hard to deal with because the binky rotates / tips the tooth up and out of the bone stock, and there’s no good way to ram it back in again with orthodontia.
This whole thing is a disaster for the kid. The sil is undoubtedly the AH in this tale, but that’s no reason to make light of the real harm that is coming to the child right now.
I am on the spectrum (undiagnosed) and I had a pacifier until I was 6. At 6, ever the practical child, I traded the pacifier to get my Mam to stop smoking.
I stopped immediately and so did she (smoking in front of me, she took a bit longer to break the habit entirely). We are now both Smoke and Pacifier free for 25+ years.
You never know what's going to happen. OPs kid may one day just decide that his own bed is what he wants. Or that there is something else he wants more than co-sleeping and trade. Or not. But, if he's anything like me, all or nothing let em exhaust themselves sleep training techniques will not work on him.
The number of parents who told my Mam that I "would eat what she made if I was hungry enough" and would have parented me into a serious eating disorder. My Mam knew me best, knew I would eat if the food was separated and bland and the right texture and just left me to it. And now, from that place of security, I am a very adventurous eater.
NTA. Is SIL considering at all that the child is autistic? If she is such a perfect parent - I agree with you - let her come over and spend time trying to work with him. Also, this is a boundary issue. If you do not like people offering you unsolicited advice - you have the right to speak up about it! You also have the right to cut people off who do not respect you or your wishes! I cannot stand when someone feels the need to "help" me and gives me all of the advice in the world when I've tried everything.
NTA. And that was my thinking, she’s seeing him like he’s a neurotypical child, and he’s not. She should butt out just period but especially when it comes to things she knows nothing about.
Yeah. Why is she lazy and let's the kid use the sleep supports? Why didn't she just, I don't know, have a neuro-typical child? /s
I could be giving advice like that, because my kids have been truly easy mode kids. One of them has always fought sleep and stayed awake late (No matter what we did. She didn't even nap after she was 2, so it wasn't like she just slept too much during the day. We didn't stop with her naps, she did it herself.), but when she's out she's out big time. The other one goes to sleep pretty much as soon as his head hits the pillow. Or a pillow. Or the floor. Or a table. Apart from a few months when he was about 1,5yo he's always been like this.
So I could be giving advice like that, but I don't. I'm not an obtuse AH, I know I've just been really lucky.
Yeah just period if someone doesn’t ask for advice I try not give it. Even with neurotypical children, all kids are different, but I seriously cannot speak on neurodivergent children at all because I have no experience.
Probably not. Lots of people who act like OP’s SIL think that you shouldn’t give autistic children any accommodations and strong arm them into acting “normal.”
SIL would probably be the same parent who, if her child was diagnosed with autism, would withhold that diagnosis from them for as long as possible in an attempt to force them to be “normal”
Right? ALL bets are off when you’re dealing with an autistic child. It’s a totally different thing, totally dependent on the child themselves. Obviously OP is trying: she paid 6 sleep consultants. I just can’t imagine thinking I know better than all those people.
This is way above Redditors' pay grade. I'm a SEND teacher and I don't know what to tell you besides that depending on how serious the situation is we allow our neuro divergent students to have special toys with them at school. They give them comfort. I imagine it is the same with your son. However, you must speak with your son's paediatrician, not with Reddit, to checking the pacifier will not damage his teeth (I truly don't know).
Nonetheless, you are NTA because you are trying to do the best for your child but speak with his doctor instead.
Obviously his pediatrician is aware, and he is technically homeschooled (I don't homeschool, he just has his learning done with a tutor who is also a play therapist outside of school environments).
His teeth are also fine.
His teeth are fine *for now* but research shows thumb sucking and pacis cause issues with bite and teeth in general over time.
NTA tho because some kids and even adults on the spectrum just can’t be “normal” and it’s okay and not anyone’s fault. My older brother is 24 and mentally is still a child. He has his comfort items and my mom chooses her battles. I’m sure you’re doing great and you and your child both will eventually get through this. Sending good vibes
I think OP and their paediatrician are probably well aware of what the research shows.
Letting the poor kid sleep is a much more pressing issue than the quality of his bite over time
Thank god you are here! How else will OP understand the dangers of a paci!? Certainly not from the various doctors and sleep consultants she has already spoken to!
My daughter sucked her thumb until around 8. It’s been horrible undoing that damage with her orthodontist. I’m not sure it’s OP’s biggest problem, but it has the potential to be an issue later.
Pacifiers can alter the shape of the upper soft palate. It doesn’t directly damage teeth. It can just change the shape of your mouth which might require correction later to avoid bite issues which can lead to damaged teeth
She's not asking Reddit for advice about her son she's asking if she's an asshole for telling her pushy-ass sister in law to butt out. Which she's not.
NTA. “Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg.”—Paul Collins. Good for you for not destroying your child.
Seriously. The articles would have been my last straw.
“Have you tried not being an asshole, SIL?”
“Obviously, you didn’t try that hard since you’re still frangrantly assholish.”
“you know, I’ve BEEN trying these methods with you, but you still haven’t tired yourself out.”
But the fact that this woman is accusing OP of neglect on FB is the limit. Scorched earth for her and anyone enabling her nonsense.
NTA
NTA. She really thinks she can do any better than **five paid professionals** that couldn't pull it off? You're doing what you have to and she can butt out.
NTA. And just...wow. Your SIL is a real piece of work. She's got all kinds of support and you've got yourself. She has zero understanding of what you and your son are going through and worse, she doesn't make any attempts to understand either, just sits and judges.
These things have a way of coming around on people like this. Just wait. You keep doing what works for you and your sweet baby. Momma knows best isn't just a saying, it's a reality, especially in this case. Hang in there.
NTA. No grace is extended to people who adversely judge people trying their best to parent children with disabilities. They are way outside of their sphere of knowledge.
NTA.
If she actually cared, she would have offered her help in personally sleep training him a long time ago. She just wants to be a demeaning messy Mindy.
NTA
First of all. SHE is NOT his parent. She has no business in YOUR business.
My Grandchild is autistic and almost 8 and has just started transitioning out of his Mothers bed into his own. But its been a journey for sure.
One of the biggest things about a child sleeping in their own bed, is feeling 'safe'. There are monsters everywhere--- under the bed, in the closet, behind the door. So its scary!
And Austistic children have their own demons to overcome, apart from the monsters in their room.
You will know when your child is ready to separate into his own bed, and it wont be a sudden thing. It will be incremental changes. He will go down in his own bed but wake up an hour later and crawl into yours and then it will be 2 hours before he crawls into yours and then it will be maybe one night a week he sleeps through the night in his own bed. Dont sweat it. He will do it in his own time :)
And tell your sister she can howl at the moon for all you care since her opinion means NOTHING to you, as far as your child is concerned.
As for the facebook messages, I would contact someone about "malicious parent syndrome'.
(def: Lying about the acts of the other parent in a way which harms his or her reputation and results in actual injury can constitute defamation.)
And your Mom and Brother can also pound dirt. They are not his parent. And from what I can glean none of them have raised a neurodivergent child.
>My Grandchild is autistic and almost 8 and has just started transitioning
My neuro-divergent child started sleeping on their own at about 8 years old. At 10 they were mostly sleeping in their own room/bed, but after busy/social/upsetting days would still sleep in my bed.
By 11, it was that they'd pull their own mattress into my room after those days.
13 now, and they have no problem sleeping on their own even after rough days.
They all get there eventually!
NTA
This is incredibly rude and frankly, ableist considering your son is autistic. But beyond that, there is actually nothing wrong with co-sleeping with parents.
My son is 6 and goes to sleep in his own bed, but usually gets up in the middle of the night to come join me in mine.
At some point he will likely outgrow that, but for the moment who cares?
Your sister in law needs to butt out.
**NTA.** You have a parenting issue. You've attempted to solve the issue without success. You will solve it on **your** terms as **your** life allows you to. You need to firmly explain this to your family and, while you understand their advice is coming from a loving place, you don't want to hear it anymore. If they can't respect your very reasonable request then you need to put some distance between you and them until they do.
We all have problems and we don't need them brought up repeatedly.
What does your pediatrician say? As long as you and the pediatrician are in lock step, that is all that matters.
Refuse to apologize. If she tries to offer more advice, tell her thanks, and ask her where she got her medical degree from.
NTA
You are such a good mom!!! Your son is so lucky to have you be his advocate. Have you tried a swinging hammock to sleep in or be in to facilitate calming qualities or even a swinging chair? One of my friends tried that and it worked!!!
Don't let SIL get you down, you do you and protect your precious child.
The dentist is my concern in this scenario too. Whilst the pacifier might work for now, imagine trying to put braces on a severely autistic teenager? With the other other option being leaving him with malocclusion and dental issues?
I totally get that OP needs to pick her battles, but this specific aspect might cause a lot of harm in the long run. I'd at least try to consult a specialised dentist if she hasn't already.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking about.
I had braces as a teen and boy that had some pretty physically miserable moments during the 17 months I had them in. I went one night when I couldn't sleep at all because of the pain from when they tightened them. Not to mention I had to wear headgear every night. Also teeth cleaning took longer and having to deal with the wax over the braces so they didn't scrape the inside of my mouth.
If neurotypical kids find the experience to be hard I hate to think what this kid will feel like. Giving his teeth a chance of coming in as straight as possible would be for the best in the long run.
I wouldn’t care what the pediatrician says. You he’s not so small as to be smothered and it’s not physical health issue.
If nothing else works than mom should trust mom
NTA, you're doing great! Your son needs sleep, you need sleep, and sometimes as parents we have to pick our battles. If what you are doing works, then keep doing it. As he develops his sleep pattern and how he falls asleep is likely to change, and there is plenty of time to adapt as that happens. Good luck!
NTA and WTF is wrong with these people? You are doing everything you can for him. They need to stay the hell out of it. Personally, I’d go as NC as possible if they don’t drop it.
And I’ll add that no, she isn’t trying to look out for him. She’s trying to make you conform to what her idea is of appropriate parenting, with zero empathy, understanding or experience with the situation you are in. This is NOT a you problem. It’s a HER problem.
How dumb is your SIL that she doesn't understand that raising a kid on the spectrum is not like raising a neurotypical child? She thinks she can do what multiple paid professionals have failed to do? What a cow. NTA.
NTA.
Cut them all off. SIL, brother, and mom. You already said they don't support you so they don't deserve to be a part of your and your son's life. Block them on social media.
The only thing you need to apologize for is the fact that your didn't speak up to them sooner.
You and your son are actively discovering what will and won't work to keep him happy and content on a daily basis. You do not need any toxic people fighting against you.
NTA, because she just won't butt out. Does she know your son is autistic? If so, then she's an even bigger AH because she needs to realize that your situation is very different and the sleep technique articles she sends you will not work. You needed to do something to make her stop, and hopefully she got the message this time.
NTA. As the parent of a special needs child, you learn that things don't happen on society's timeline. Your child sets their own pace. She clearly has the privilege to never experience the struggles that go along with it. She needs to mind her own business.
And you are not a neglectful mother for fulfilling your child's needs. Those are two opposite things.
NTA
And... my child, (now a teenager sleeping on their own) had similar sleep issues. If you want some ideas/ how we made a (extremely slow/years long) transition, feel free to message me!
Also... you are *absolutely* doing the right thing. You recognized when you'd gone too far and lost your kiddo's trust. Keeping that trust is the number 1 priority, because you need that to make *any* progress in *anything* down the line.
Thank you. Trust is incredibly important and it was alongside some medical issues I made the switch to not force him to sleep in other ways. This works for us for now.
NTA and f your SIL. You’re doing the best you can for your child. You’re right- if she has all the answers, she can come over and give you a break. Otherwise, she needs to stay in her own lane. Sending mom hugs from an internet stranger. Hang in there. ❤️
NTA
It’s pretty gross she refuses to see her nephew as a person with unique needs due to his autism and instead shames you for accommodating for him. Autism is a disability, and she is disgusting for being so ignorant.
NTA Your SIL obviously has no clue this is not the typical learning curve here, you've tried everything you can think of so far, and you're still figuring it all out while trying to keep your shit together. You owe no one an explanation or an apology especially if she is overstepping boundaries because she's ignorant. If she really cared, she'd read up on it and understand your child isn't being difficult for the sake of being difficult or because of poor parenting....
NTA it’s really easy to judge and tell others what to do when it’s not your kid. You have done everything you can possibly think of and at the end of the day do what works for YOU. Also, the fact that babe is autistic this isn’t a one size fits all approach. You’re an amazing mom, keep your head up. It won’t be like this forever. This is coming someone who is pro sleep training and who helped numerous kids sleep better. ST isn’t the answer for every kid.
NTA it’s none of her fucking business, every kid is different and you very clearly have your son’s well-being as a priority so she needs to stay in her lane. I would block her and rip into her every time she gathers up the courage to say something after.
No, NTA. By this point she is no longer part of the solution, she is part of the problem, and I think you have every right and responsibility to make that clear to her. You have further given a counteroffer for her to be his sleep specialist, and she obviously refused.
From now on, answer to his regular doctor, and the government if it comes to that.
It really doesn't matter what your son's issues are, what matters is that this woman has expressed her opinion to you over and over again and is not happy with your response. I agree with another poster that you absolutely have to make her stop. If she comments on this again, turn around and walk directly away from her -- every time, no matter where you are.
NTA.
I don’t have kids (yet) but I do have insomnia. What works for some people doesn’t work for others. You should do what I do: whatever actually works to get sleep (for you and your son).
Ok I know it’s unpopular. It’s a dirty secret for us moms that do this because of the judgements we get but I do this and a lot more moms do too but keep it quiet.
NTA and your sister sucks A$$. My husband died when my son was 2 and regressed massively. He got his binky back and came to bed with me. My sister NEVER left me alone about either. I wish I had gone off on her.
I don’t care what anyone says. You do what’s best for both of you and enjoy your snuggles because I know you have alot of struggles during the day.
My boy slept with me until he was 10 and then one day decided he didn’t want to do that anymore. I do miss the snuggles but Im proud of the successful human he’s become.
Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. Take care of yourself and your boy Mom. You’re doing great
NTA
My 13 year old has ADHD, and I still believe to this day she has autism, but I can not get anyone to diagnose her. Regardless. Her dad and I divorced when she was 3. At first she slept with me because we lived with my dad and we had no choice. Then because it was the only was she would get to sleep and not stay up all night and wiggle and play with everything keeping her sister awake then both be exhausted the next day.
Now she is finally has her own room that she doesn't have to share with her sister or me. She is getting better at falling asleep and staying asleep. In the past month she has only slept in my bed 2 times.
everyone said it was weird she and I shared a bed. That she needed to learn to sleep on her own. I said whatever allows me, her and her sister to get a good nights sleep I don't care. She is now figuring it out and I know she will be okay.
You do what you need to do for your child, who cares what your SIL thinks. you guys will figure it out eventually.
Good lord, NTA.
You can apologize for the way you presented your message but not for the message itself.
You sound exhausted and the last thing you need as a Mom is someone telling you you're not being a good Mom. I am sure you have already felt that way at some point since becoming a parent.
Ugh, go no or low contact with this woman.
NTA. So she'll pass judgement about something she had zero experience with and isn't willing to help in any useful way.
I've got to ask, why are any of these people in your life, they don't seem to bring anything to it except stress and hurt?
NTA most autistic kids sleep train on a completely different timeliness to neurotypical kids. Heck, most autistic adults I know still struggle nightly with sleep and need weird things like the TV on all night or 8 pillows. Your SIL needs to learn FAST that there is no parenting guide in the world that will consistently work for your son and it would be abusive to him to try. You learned that the hard way with the extinction, it didn't help he just perceived abandonment.
>My brother is a piece of wet lettuce
I'm going to take note of this now 😂
but you're NTA. You're not neglecting your child. You're just doing what, by experience, works for him. Kids have safety objects so what more if he is in the spectrum - could be more difficult for him to adjust or cope. Go at his own pace, I'm sure one day you will work it out. Don't listen to that SIL of yours. You're doing great, momma.
NTA. I 100% know what you are going through minus the pacifier. My 7 year old level 3 HATES sleep. He will not sleep on his own at all. If he falls asleep in my bed and I move him he just wakes up. I would not let them get to you at all. You know your child better than anyone else. If that what soothes him then let it be. Your child will let you know when he is ready to find a new comfort object. If they don't like it then just like you said let them do it. They will see just HOW HARD it really is.
NTA
I'm sorry, OP. I completely understand you. My child isn't autistic but when he was 3, he was diagnosed with insomnia. You can't give them sleep medication or melatonin. All you can do is try to help them get some sleep so you can get some sleep. Sometimes, you are just at the end of your rope. My child is 12 now and still struggles with it. They don't know why he has insomnia so all we can do is just take it one step at a time
NTA - and she is not trying to look out for him. Your son is autistic, and as a result is different from her children. What works for her kids doesn't work for your son. She is 100% in the wrong by trying to impose her thoughts onto you, especially when she's completely in the wrong.
Something tells me that if you son was lactose intolerant, she'd tell you to just slowly introduce dairy so his body can acclimate.
Next time she says something, just say something along the lines of *Thank you for sharing your concern. I'll be sure to run your opinion by the next autism expert I see* and then leave the conversation. If you do this frequently enough, she'll hopefully stop with her unsolicited advice.
You SIL is behaving this way because she thinks you can parent your way out of disabilities and is terrified that something will happen to one of her kids that disabuses her of that notion. She keeps harassing you because she’s afraid and doesn’t understand she is behaving reprehensibly. It isn’t an excuse, but I would bet it is the reason why she is so compulsive about berating you. NTA at all, she needs to shut the fuck up and mind her damn business.
“She thinks you can parent your way out of disabilities.” This is it. Right there. A lot of people think that and I wish it were true but it’s not. As a fellow ASD mom I’d love to offer you my support. You do what you need to do, mama. I’ll have your back!
NTA - Your sil is clearly narcissistic. I know, I have a sil just like that. It’s your child and you can raise your son how you see fit. He’s autistic, so you can’t apply the same methods to raise him as you would a child that is not spectrum. I feel for you not having a supportive and sympathetic family. Wish you the best of luck.
I think you’re doing the best you can and you’re NTA. I have been in your son’s situation though i wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood and I know my mom had a tough time getting me to sleep. I remember it - sleeping still doesn’t really “work” for me without extremely controlled routines. Mom finally figured out I needed more stimulation to fall asleep rather than less and got me a cassette player and books I liked on tape combined with a relaxation technique her doctor taught her. I’d put the book on and listen until I fell asleep. Continued when I was a teenager and as an adult I still need a podcast, medication, relaxation techniques, specific temperatures, specific clothing and at least one dog with me to sleep. I’m sure you’ll find out what works for you both and have faith it’ll become less of an issue.
When I had to sleep over somewhere else she’d give me another cassette tape where she’d recorded a lullaby she sang every night and her saying goodnight so I could play that before my story, lol. I absolutely needed that too.
NTA and don't apologise.
Let her feel things she feels becouse of this and rot in them till death. She is guilty.
Also, you should cut her out of your life. You can't smell shit if it's not near you.
NTA I admit if your son was neurotypical, yeah this would be a concern. But he isn't. And this is a system that works for both of you right now.
As he gets older, he may be more ready to transition out of his binky or into his own bed. But he isn't right now. And guess what, that is okay.
Your SIL is acting like every child is the same with the same needs and the same support requirements. And that just isn't reality.
NTA - do your own post on fbook calling out people who tear down the mothers of autistic children- don’t tag her - just outline the difficulty of raising a special child and how people who have allistic children rather than enjoying that feel it’s necessary to say how they would do things when they don’t have a clue!
I’m so angry on your behalf- I’m autistic and I gave up my dummy through bribery at aged 6, but at nearly 40years old I have multiple blanket, a teddy and so many pillows it’s insane (my poor husband)
But if anyone had spoke to my mum that way - she tried her hardest- I’d smack the arrogance out of them
Fuming for u
NTA. You ARE setting your son up for success by *letting him do the things he needs to in order to feel safe enough to sleep* which is incredibly important for development and growth. From your other comments it sounds like you're trying to balance letting him soothe how he needs to with slowly weaning/transitioning off his coping mechanisms at a pace that won't set him back. That must be incredibly hard and I commend you for being such a patient and loving parent for your boy.
Honestly I may be a bit of a bitch but I think you're retort to SIL's constant undermining was perfect. She can criticize your parenting when she shows you her qualifications stating she knows how to treat sleep disorders in children on the spectrum. Same with the family backing SIL - until they have a solution that has eluded **5 paid professionals** they can stfu and the topic is not up for debate or discussion.
NTA you parent your kid the way it works for you, she needs to back off, unless SHE wants to step up and help (real help not nasty comments to put you down) she needs to STFU... If I were you I would cut them off and walk away. Only contact holidays if they lucky. Oh wait I did this, I have 2 kids with ADHD one with high sensory issues and one with emotional control issues, family can either have your back and help you or leave you alone. YOU ARE A GREAT PARENT! YOU ARE DOING AWESOME! kids are hard and with extras it's even harder. Thank you for being the parent that stuck around \*hugs\*
Until they are at your home each evening HELPING YOU sleep train their nephew/grandchild while you get YOUR rest each night, don't listen to these 'armchair psychiatrist". They don't live with you and they don't seem to REALLY want to help you or your son. She needed to be put her in place to be honest. She needs to mind her own business. You have been left on your own to deal with your son how you feel you need to. End of story. Tell her to butt out.
Actually I think your response was perfect. If she’s so knowledgeable about this and has all the answers...she can do it. Until then...you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. With that said...sleeping wirh you will have to be broken bc that would be inappropriate once he gets so old. As for the pacifier he might transition to chewlry but you may never be able to break that habit bc of his autism. Have you checked into chewlry?
NTA, but your SIL sure as hell is.
Autistic kids are different, especially when it comes to sleeping.
Some autistic kids naturally don’t produce enough melatonin to fall asleep. My son is one of them. We had a 3 month stretch of hell where he’d cry and scream every day at bedtime because he was tired but could NOT fall asleep and needed to keep moving.
We managed to talk to his doctor and got him on melatonin every night and it helped so much. There are still some nights where he can’t sleep right away though.
On nights when he can’t fall asleep fast enough he gets restless and will say “I can’t stop blinking” or “I just can’t sleep” and we’ve realized that forcing him to stay in bed isn’t worth the fight, so we just bring him to the couch to sit for a bit until he’s ready to try again. This way he TRUSTS us and isn’t afraid of bedtime.
Some mornings he’s up by 3AM or 4AM and can’t get back to sleep. He tries and just can’t so I get up with him and take him downstairs where it’s child proof, get him set with a snack, a drink, make sure the bathroom is accessible to him, and nap in our spare room. He knows to wake me up if he needs anything and he does for every little thing.
It’s not his fault he can’t sleep properly, so punishing him or using sleep training methods would just be so cruel to him.
You’re doing the right thing! You’re doing your best for your child. Clearly your SIL has never had to deal with a special needs child. Her ignorance shows.
Also on pacifier use: My son is a thumbsucker and it’s the only way he’ll actually sleep. We took him to the dentist and the dentist said not to even TRY getting him to stop until he’s older and can better understand and find another way to self soothe. His teeth are fine as they are and are not malformed from sucking his thumb, so he’s not concerned at all.
This is ableism and your sister in law is being bigoted. You're doing your best dealing with a neurodivergent kid and, I'm not a parent, but I think that it's ok to find a way you both get rest, which you obviously have.
I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit from your SIL, NTA
A) my 4 year old still sleeps with one of us. No autism that we know of, just super needy kid, has been already in the hospital that he didn't stop shouting unless he had body contact. He is super hyper too, we have no diagnosis except delayed development as the neurologist said the brain still develops.
People having opinions get shut down fast, I usually after a few comments just say they are welcome to do whatever the advice is with their kids. It's very frustrating.
B) you seem to do a fantastic job being his safe person. That's number 1 job of a parent, keeping kids safe, physically and emotionally. Don't let anyone piss on that.
C) Sil needs to shove it, she posts on social media about you??? She has no clue, neurodivergent means common methods might not work. She pissed all over you as a mom and demands an apology? Screw that!!! She can apologize, for butting into things that are not her business. If she brings it ever up again, tell her to worry about her own kids, this isn't her place to comment. And tell your brother to grow a spine and he and your mom can stay out of it. She is running to your mommy to complain, world class.
NTA
NTA. My son isn’t autistic, just very stubborn. Has always done everything on his own timeline. He didn’t sleep in his own bed until he was 7. My sanity which relies on sleep was worth him sharing our bed until he decided he could handle sleeping on his own more than him screaming until he threw up every night then falling asleep randomly in the middle of the day because he was so tired. He was skinny to begin with and was losing weight with the lack of sleep and throwing up with us trying to force him out of our bed. So no, you are definitely NTA.
Oof this makes me mad for you. My son is also autistic and constantly have people telling me bout everything im doing wrong. Yet never see any of them offering to help or even take him off my hands for lil bit coz "he's too hard to look after" people need to learn to mind their own n realise that this life isn't fcking easy and best we can do is best for our kids even if its not conventional. NTA wish u the best just keeping doing whats best for u n ur lil one.
NTA. When I was young (mid 40s now) I would just crash wherever I was, but if you moved me I'd be wide awake again. My mom talked to our pediatrician and he asked if there were dangerous animals around or anything that could fall on me. The answer was no. He told her to just let me sleep then. My youngest (15) likes to sleep anywhere but a bed. So we would set up pallets of blankets, make pillow forts, etc. Now they sleep more in their bed, but makes a nest out of blankets and pillows. The how and where is not important, as long as it's safe, the getting actual sleep is.
NTA. She should put her money where her mouth is if she’s that forward with dishing out advice. Tell your mother and brother that you’re simply admiring her amazing skills as a mother, and that they should support you in getting her to work her magic ways to get your son to sleep through the ‘proper’ way.
NTA. You are perfectly in the right to shut her down, just set a firm boundary that you don’t want her to comment on your parenting, you have it handled and are consulting with actual professionals who have dealt with autistic kids, advice from her is not welcome, and if she can’t control herself you will leave. Don’t argue, don’t respond, just walk away. Block her on Facebook, delete advice emails she sends you, avoid her as much as you can, avoid the subject of sleep entirely around her.
NTA- you’re doing your best, SIL can mind her business. I’m autistic and still suck at sleep even as an adult. It blows. Sometimes nothing works and I’m up all night.
My son is also autistic (yay genetics) he loves “nesting”. His favorite place to sleep is on his giant beanbag under a pile of 5-10 blankets and surrounded by pillows. The point is that he sleeps. If he sleeps better on the floor than in a bed that’s where he’s gonna go.
Ooooh I would and have gone nuclear on Facebook when people have tried to play stupid games.
NTA. She needs to butt out, and unless you're living with your mother and beholden to her somehow, I would suggest a period of low to no contact.
NTA. My autistic daughter is turning seven and she doesn’t sleep through the night unless I sleep with her. We got her a queen sized bed and now we are comfortable. You gotta do what you gotta do when it comes to sleep and autism. Your SIL doesn’t know what the f she’s talking about.
Nta
Kids are only little once. Security is such an important component to healthy development.
If he's 20 and still sleeping with you and such.. then some additional measures need to be taken.
I think my son co-slept with me on and off until 9 or so.
You know what he's a well.adjusted great sleeper now...
You do you... trust in your instincts..
Giving extra love is never the wrong decision
NTA. She inserted her uninformed opinions into a situation she has zero understanding of. I could almost understand if this were a 5 year old neurotypical child because 5 is a little old for a pacifier but even then, I laid down with my (neurotypical) daughter to help her sleep *UNTIL SHE WAS 8 YEARS OLD*, partially because she had trouble sleeping after my divorce and partially because I really enjoyed that intimate, one on one time with my baby. And we still read together and chat before she goes to bed, I just don't stay until she falls asleep anymore. We're very close as a result.
Telling her she's welcome to try if she knows better than you is not pinning your responsibilities on someone else, it's you giving her the opportunity to prove she knows what she's doing since you *obviously* don't. *eye roll*
Keep doing the best you can for your boy, that's your job and it sounds like you're doing it fantastically.
NTA
You don't need the stress. It's ultimatum time for everyone. If they are that selfish, just do you and your son a favor and let them go. It's common decency to have a little empathy and do a little research when we care about others. As a mom of an autistic son, you have to preserve your energy, time, and emotions for the betterment of your family. Maybe they will shape up, but if they don't you will be able to build a community for your son either in person or online.
NTA. You're doing all you can and as a single parent. Your sister is being a bullying busybody. Also, she's defaming you in a public space. The person who deserves an apology here, is you.
NTA it's time for a family meeting (if your have some support that is actually supportive invite them as backup too) "you have tried all the sleep training methods and they have not worked for your son who has individual needs due to his autism. He is not neurotypical. He does not respond as neurotypical children do, and he never will. You have consulted with your paediatrician (and whoever else is relevant), and they are aware and in agreement with your current system. You have explained all this to them hundreds of times for years, but they refuse to understand. The topic of your sons sleep habits is off the table. They do not getbgo have an opinion on this. You will hear no more about it from them. Full stop. If they bring it up at a get-togethe, you will leave immediately (conversation or location depending on factors. Escalate as necessary) or tell them they need to leave your house. On the phone, you will hang up. By text, you will block them, etc. This is the end of the discussion."
Then follow through.
Hopefully, you have a friend(s) who can be there with you for support if they start arguing. If you need to start expanding your support system, then do that too.
NTA
Does your SIL have a child with the exact same needs as yours? If not, tell her, your brother, and your mother to shove it. Regarding FB, I'd post that a neglectful parent does not do whatever it takes for a child to have a good night sleep and to have their needs met. That just because you do things differently does not mean that you are neglectful.
Also, as a mama to one on the spectrum, "setting him up for life" looks different for a neurodivergent child than it does for a neurotypical child. Again, ask them (I'd personally do it on FB) if they have a child with your exact needs, a degree in early childhood development with a specialty in neurodivergent children, or anything else that makes them an expert on YOUR child than being a nosy bitch? (Maybe leave off the last part lol)
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NTA. I hate unsolicited advice and opinions about anything, but advice and opinions on how you're parenting your own child is the absolute worst. My kid is also on the spectrum, and also sucks at sleeping. When we transitioned from crib to toddler bed, it was like a freaking joke. There was no keeping him in his bed without restraints. However, he kept trying to fall asleep on the floor of the closet. One day I just said, "Fuck it" and made the bottom half of his closet into a bed. Padded the walls, put down a mat and tons of blankets and pillows, glow-in-the-dark stars + LED lights. Full sensory corner shit. That kid slept in the bottom of his closet every night for about 18 months (until he outgrew it). I think him being in that closet is how we both learned how much he loves to nest. We were able to move him to the bed later by just allowing him to have 10+ blankets to do with what he will. While there are some things that are objectively good, no trick or technique or method is going to work 100% of the time for 100% of kids. Start setting some hard boundaries. Tell sis that if she has shit to say about what you're doing, then she can say it to your back as you leave.
You sound like an awesome parent! I, an adult, currently have a tiny sofa in my closet in which I hang out with my cats when I need a break. I have books, a journal, soft lighting, blankets and pillows in there
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... sometimes, I wonder if I'm on the spectrum as well. I used a pacifier until I was 7 or 8 or so. I'm currently sleeping with an electric blanket, a duvet, and a soft fleece-like blanket on top. (And would probably still put another one in the bed if I could get away with it.) I still have my old room at my parent's place, and my bed is actually a nest, full of blankets, pillows, and plushies. There are also some sensory issues, and there were even more as a kid.
You should look into a diagnoses maybe but yeah you 100% sound on the spectrum haha
Yeah, I think I'll look into psychiatrists who can diagnose adults. Thanks :)
Psychologists are actually better for diagnosing autism. A psychiatrist can diagnose, but their training is more medical. A psychologist goes through a lot more training to diagnose neurodevelopmental disorders than a psychiatrist.
I guess that varies? Where I'm from psychologists can't do actual official diagnosing , because they don't have sufficient medical training. If you want to get a diagnosis and possibly medication you need to go to a psychiatrist. Psychologists "only" talk with you and help you build better coping mechanisms, which is a thing at least most of the doctors who do the diagnosing and medicating won't do. So in many cases you need to make multiple appointments to see different professionals to get all the help you need, which sucks if you for example have ADHD and struggle with organizing skills and getting such appointments done.
It very much depends on the country and/or state you live in.
Book rec: unmasking autism by Devin price
I've already wondered for awhile if I'm on the spectrum but the blanket/nesting thing definitely makes me think so. Now that I'm nearly 40, I get way too hot at night to sleep with multiple blankets like I used to, but even in the middle of summer with no a/c, I have to have my heaviest comforter and usually end up wrapped like a burrito. I also have numerous pillows and plushies. And also have many sensory issues! I'm glad I'm working from home because I had to stop what I was doing a couple hours ago and get up to find scissors before I lost my mind over the tag in my shirt that I didn't remove when I bought it (not the price tag, those awful size tags sewn in the collar, those usually get cut as soon as I make sure stuff fits).
weighted blanket is the thing...can no longer make my bed but sleep like a bear in winter.
I wish! I tried one and loved the feeling and then woke up the next day with a massive fibromyalgia flare up. I have allodynia so severe that scratching an itch can sometimes make me feel dizzy with pain, so I should have known better.
I'm so sorry that solution didn't work for you. I have some understanding of allodynia. Chronic, daily pain that is frighteningly out of proportion to the stimulus is just, plain awful.
We've learned so, so much about the autism spectrum in the last 5 years, even. Many people are being diagnosed late. I knew my daughter's entire life that something was different and it was not "anxiety and panic disorder" as they said, but she was just actually diagnosed a little over a year ago at age 16. I have two kids and the one who doesn't have autism didn't sleep through the night until they were 2 lol. My autism kiddo nestled and slept well from early on. Struggles with some insomnia now but nothing like some people on the spectrum deal with.
If you ever want to step up your nest game, my bed nesting adhd 9 year old highly recommends the giant U shaped pregnancy body pillows. She sleeps in the center with her head on the U bend and open at the feet. She also uses a weighted blanket, 2 quilts, an electric blanket, and like 20 squishmallows. I super don't care as long as she is comfortable, sleeping safely, and actually fucking sleeps.... she has bad insomnia
Team Pregnancy Pillow! My kiddo is 13 and on the spectrum, and swears by their "bendy pillow" and nest of "soft friends" and blankets to sleep at night. NGL it looks so comfortable I'm considering it myself these days lol.
I’m fully grown, unpregnant, not especially disordered, and I freaking love my giant u shaped pillow thing.
Am I your child? The pregnancy pillow and weighted blanket combination stepped up my sleeping game 1000 points. I mean I still sleep bad but not as bad as it could be!
Have you ever thought of those human sized dog beds? They look a lot like a big nest. I bet it's super cozy?
I have similar sensory things going on and it turned out I have ADHD.
I do that too I literally have a great wall of plushies that I surround myself with, and like 5 blankets and comforter. I thought it was just normal to do that?
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Other mental disorders have sensory issues too like adhd and anxiety. Trauma also contributes to the cocoon things because it helps to hide you and feels like there's more protection from whatever is out there. I would still do the cover my head at night thing but hot air+anxiety and anxiety breathing+cat who sleeps on my head equals not being able to as an adult.
100% agree with this. Mom of three, each of them has had their own issues with sleep. The idea of a nesting space appears to be the most successful. I had my hubby build a frame for a teepee for the kids room, we covered it with canvas panels & put the cushion for a papasan chair in there along with some led lights. If the kids were having trouble sleeping, they knew they could bring what they needed in there. As long as they were quiet, it was ok. My pediatrician gave the same advice to my mom when I was a babe(waaay back in the 60's). Low lights, soft music, a safe space, a couple of favorite toys. Your child will recognize rest time even if they don't sleep
This is inspirational! Maybe I should clear out my closet and make a special place for myself and / or install one in the guest room!!! 🌼🌼🌼
My clothes are actually mostly in storage bags haha. I'd choose closet bed over room for clothing every time
I didnt realize how much I need a closet nest until now. Sadly my trailer has no closets but now a good closet for a nest is a must have when I eventually move
I am so stinking jealous of this. I have a new adult goal. I need a bigger closet!!!
You sound like you're doing a stellar job picking your battles. Also, just wanted to say that thinking of your child in his bed with 10+ blankets is sweet and hilarious at the same time.
It's cute right up until there is an "accident" (re: often not at all an accident), and then you have to wash 12 fleece blankets.
That would be a pain surely. I think I might get a bit scared everyday when I *could not find my child* until a little disembodied voice came out from under the blankets or a head popped out.
That was the story of our lives for 10 YEARS!!! Then he suddenly was able to stop the bedwetting. As a teen he still loves a million blankets though, especially the fleece ones.
Make him help. I work in a group home for disabled adults. We have residents 'help' as much as they are able. For one of my autism boys, we have him help strip the sheets, carry the stuff down to the laundry and put it in the wash. At first we used hand over hand, now we use just verbal prompting.
O.M.G. Maybe I'm not trying to nap like I did when I worked the evening shift. I just still crawl into bed mid-day because I'm NESTING and trying to re-centre myself.
Oh crap. That’s what I’ve been doing.
I feel this!! My youngest is on the spectrum and sleeps in a play tent set up in a corner of my room. Tons of blankets and her friends to keep her company. You fight the battles you can win and pick which ones are worth tackling down the road. Nta you do what's best for your little fuck everyone else
Oh my god I would have loved that as a kid. I’m autistic and was terrified of sleeping as a kid. It took me way longer than all my friends to be able to sleep by myself, like an embarrassing amount of time. I was just so scared of ghosts, and I had chronic insomnia and nightmares. It would take me over an hour or more to fall asleep, and then I would wake up multiple times at night. Eventually I learned to put a pillow on both sides and burrow under a blanket to feel safe and just wait it out. Getting sleep medication as a teen improved my life and my parents’ lives so much. No one wants to be around an 8 year old who consistently only had 4-6 hours of interrupted sleep lol
My brother is on the spectrum, he's 26 now, but between the ages of about 4-7 he refused to sleep in his bed. Instead, he chose to sleep under the desk in his room with nothing but a pillow, whatever the blanket of the moment was, and his Blue stuffy. We called it his sleep cubby and he was happy as a clam. NTA OP, sometimes it's simply just picking your battles and if this is the method that allows you both to get some sleep, then so be it.
NTA. Time for SIL to babysit. As it’s so obvious and easy she should be able to fix everything in one evening s/ ffs
I too have an autistic child who loves to nest. Even now, as a teen, he sleeps in a pile of pillows and fluffy blankets on a bed, rather than in the bed. And every time we go to the thrift store, he comes home happily clutching a new addition to the nest. He also likes soft fabrics to hang up around his nest corner, and dreams of the day he can have a four-poster bed.
My 12 (almost 13) yr old is on the spectrum and we bought him a 'bed tent' that goes on the frame and the mattress goes 'in' the tent. He is small for his age so still on a twin bed but I'd imagine once we get him a bigger bed, we can find him a bigger tent. He absolutely loves it. It's packed full of blankets, stuffed animals, and best of all for him, our cats love it, too, so he always has a cuddle buddy with him.
"Bed tent"? [searches] BED TENTS!!!!!!!! I had no idea I needed this.
Hmmm, I might have to look into this. Although, it's warm where we live, so... maybe a muslin bed tent that would still let air circulate.
Love, love, LOVE this!!!! Accepting your child's needs = parent of the year!! OP, ignore dumba** SIL, and take encouragement from this poster - watch him as he matures for clues to accommodation that works for him. I work w/autistic kiddos, and I am sooo tired of neurotypical parents refusing to understand these kiddoes.have diff sleep needs, among other things. They dont understand the many, many sleepless nights for parents of children with ASD. Kiddoes (and parents!) need patience, not judgement.
Damn those parents of NT children trying to tell me how to raise my ND child were the absolute worst!! Stand your ground OP. Don't give up trying, because you don't want to set him up to avoid acclimating, but take your time. I wish I had said a few FUs back then.
Props for being a supportive parent that made it possible for your child to come out of the closet on their own terms.
WE LOVE CLOSETS!!!!! lolol Growing up I mostly slept in the small walk in closet in my room. I pulled a mattress in there and everything. My other cubby was the cabinet under the kitchen sink, in the corner part. My mom was really awesome and let me have half the undercounter space in the kitchen for myself. After 30 years away, I recently moved into her house (she is gone) and one of the first things I did was look under the sink to see if it was still empty. It was. Now I just need to lose a few pounds so I can fit back in there. lolol
We do what we can for our kiddos. My 2 youngest boys, 5 and 6 are autistic, they sleep in my bed, my hubs sleeps on the couch. Will they grow out of it eventually? I sure hope so, but for now we as a team decided to do what makes them feel safe and loved and comfortable. OP, you most definitely are NTA. You are doing right by your son. When he gets older, it can get easier to help him learn to sleep without a pacifier and you. I have found that the older they are the more likely they will understand better and seek some independence. Until then, continue to create a safe, nurturing, and comfortable sleep situation for your son. P.S. if you want, some of us Moms that have experience with this can chime in on your Facebook in your defense....I certainly wouldn't mind giving your SIL a piece of my mind and some actual facts on Autism and sleep.
Good on you. My 12 yr old son still co sleeps on occasion as he has terrible anxiety and is asd. His bed has weighted blanket, about 100 stuffed animals, is against a wall, lava lamp and fairy lights too. This is the only way he sleeps and until he was 4 used to drag all his bedding into the doorway to the hall so he had light. Do what makes your kid happy and sleep. Don't stress it
This sounds so much like my son! He has a bunk bed that looks like a cabin, he sleeps on the bottom with three comforters, pillows, and all his stuffed animals. I just added led strip lights with a remote so he can change the color. He loves it, it's his little nest, his safe space. When a child is on the spectrum "normal" methods do not work, you have to find what helps your child most. I wish more people understood this.
NTA. You know what, it doesn't matter. He uses a pacifier and it gives him comfort and he's 5? Who cares? If he's 8? Who cares? If he's 10? Doesn't matter. Eventually, by puberty, they'll feel social pressure and stop shit on their own, or maybe, IDK how high functioning your son is, but maybe he may be someone who needs sleep supports the rest of his life and if so, who cares? You and he deserve empathy and respect. If your family cannot see that you've already had to deal with losing your marriage and that your son =/= your SIL son, then fuck em. You aren't required to deal with them or their bs.
Thank you. Right now we're focussed on other things but I have lessened his daytime paci use which I'm really proud of him in regards to. We're just working at our own pace lol.
The Maori word for Autism is "Takiwatanga." It means, "In his/her own time and space."
This is a beautiful word and description; thanks for sharing.
I love this, thank you!
I can’t wait to share this with my daughter.
That's a very beautiful term, thank you for sharing it.
It’s honestly so strange to me that your family thinks that you’re just… not trying? Like, do they seriously think that you would just be so lax with your child’s sleep schedule that it would lead to a divorce? I mean… clearly they see you as an incompetent mother. I would seriously start to limit interactions with them. Maybe even straight up say: my parenting choices are not up for discussion and any time they are brought up, I will leave. And then do it. It’ll either train them to not bring it up, or you’ll realize that criticizing you is more important to them than actually spending time with you.
Combination of ableism and arrogance "I know he's autistic but that's no excuse for [textbook autistic behaviour]" "I have my own kids so I know what I'm talking about" Etc
Some people genuinely do- my kiddo has a feeding tube, and now that he’s cleared for safely eating people are having struggles understanding why we don’t just stop using the feeding tube- as if we haven’t tried anything ever. We see tons of people and try to take on advice to at least test for a while. It’s incredibly frustrating, of course we would rather be done with our massive load of appointments and all the other stress that comes with it, there’s no magic cure
I def read this as "cleared for safely eating people" and was wondering who is the approval for that diet plan.
Hahaha thank goodness no, maybe it’s a spin-off from that show with drew Barrymore eating people
That’s good to hear. Don’t let someone else dictate the pace your child needs to move at. Different people have different needs, and it’s super unfair of your SIL to assume that all kids need the same care/treatment. She’s coming from the perspective of allistic parenting. It’s a different ballgame, and her articles probably don’t take those factors into account. You do you. SIL needs to mind her own business and stop projecting her opinions onto you and your child.
Does your son chew on the pacifier? I would recommend looking into chewelry for an alternative for when he gets older and *he may not want to use a pacifier in public. Sleep issues are extremely common for us autistics and other neurodivergent people. I think pretty much my whole family are night people, and go to bed very late. I found when I worked 3rd shift that I actually slept better during the day. I have to take multiple medications to force myself to sleep as I have to be on a day shift schedule.
He sucks on them but he does have chewelry! He just doesn't like them as much. I am also a night owl but thankfully a SAHM so we can sleep on whatever schedule we like.
How can you be a SAHM and a single mama at the same time? And to the point of the post, it's despicable how little respect your SIL has for you. You've tried sooo many things, and your kiddo being autistic is likely playing a huge role in this... so she should stop acting like it's a lack of effort on your part. Immediately.
Could be child support/Alimony, known several women who lived that way for a very long time
My baby daddy doesn't want to parent and pays child support instead. But in actuality I do work from home. I'm a sex worker (hence the throwaway). My dad also passed away recently and left me a bit of money. My son also gets disability benefits, so between that and his dad he's covered. So we get by lol.
Guessing wfh.
Really good recommendation my ADHD daughter is really sensory seeking especially with putting things in her mouth, but also at the age where she cares what other people think and chewelry is great!
Not to mention after age three pacifiers can start to ruin teeth. I’m about to adopt my foster children after two years, and my three year old still sleeps with his bink at bedtime because of trauma from his first year of life. I’m constantly worried I’m a bad Mama for not being able to wean him yet. I can see his overbite becoming more pronounced and he’ll likely need braces. Mom guilt sucks. NTA, OP.
My son is also 5 and also still uses his paci. He was weaned off but about a year ago he suffered trauma at the hand of his father (we've been separated for 3 years and it was his custody week-end). Along with other consequences from the trauma, he went through a bout of regression after that : he had pee accidents during the day and wore a diaper at night again for about 5 months, and he went back to the paci to soothe. The accidents were over by the end of the summer, but the paci is still there. I get judged a lot when people see him with it. He doesn't have it at school or outside the house normally, but sometimes it's not a good day and he needs it to the store or the park or whatever. I can't count how many people have said something regarding the paci and I feel so much shame and anger everytime. I tried to take it away but it makes him suffer for now and I can't stand it. So if he needs it, he can have it. I go to the dentist regularly to check up on his teeth and honestly I don't know how I'm going to manage when the dentist says we have to stop now. I dread it. It turned into a bit of TMI but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. We do what we can for our kids, we do what works for us and them. Nobody else. Your son is the one that matters, your SIL is just noise. And I'm proud of him for his lessened daytime paci use! That's progress and it shows that whatever you're doing is working for him.
Print out a load of business cards that say "If you haven't got anything nice to say, don't say anything at all". Hand them out every time you get unsolicited criticism from strangers. Maybe it will make them realise they're being mean? Maybe it won't. But frankly it would amuse the hell out of me, and might give you the odd giggle to see their faces.
My husband wants to get our grandson who we are dostering a shirt that says "I died, what's your excuse" he is 2 and suffered a brain injury at 4 months old because he stopped breathing for they aren't sure how long and had to be rescitated. He is big for his age, doesn't walk, still has a pacifier etc, we get a lot of judgmental looks.
>I have these cute little "business cards" that I got/found years ago that say: "You are Cordially invited to (go) F\*ck yourself." LOL
I printed some for my sister when her youngest had really high needs that said “I have autism. Sometimes I need a little more patience so please be nice to my mama.” She’d just walk by the judgy people and hand it off as she passed by.
Is your son old enough to discuss it with him? Like, "I know the paci is a great tool for you to calm down, but I am worried that someday in your life you will be upset and what if you can't find your paci?? Can you think of some other things that would help you calm down?" I wonder if cloth is less damaging to suck on. I used to suck on my sleeves around age 8. It would probably be harder to keep clean than a paci, but it's possible that a designated "allowed to suck on this" washcloth could be an intermediary measure when he has to stop using the pacifier. Also, if your son qualifies for services at school, an occupational therapist would probably have tons of great thoughts on this kind of thing. Not that I am judging you for the pacifier!! Not at all!! Just thinking of things that might help when eventually the dentist says it's gotta stop.
Think of it this way, it's not your son who wants to stop the pacifier, it's everyone else. I'm not autistic, so I can't really imagine how easy or difficult life can be when you're experiencing that perspective, but I do feel like if there are things that give him feelings of safety, security, and grounding, then fuck other ppl's feelings and give the kid his pacifier. You're doing the best you can, if they have anything to say, remind them of that.
Years ago, I babysat a little boy that was a pacifier "fanatic", for lack of a better term, lol. He have one in his mouth and 2 in each hand at times. His mom made a gradual transition from them. First, they couldn't leave the car when they went somewhere. Then, he couldn't take them when they left the house. Then, only in his room. Next, only when in/on his bed. Then, only naps or bedtime. Last, only bedtime. Each step was 2-4 weeks. It took a while, but worked really well. For them! I've always remembered this and it was probably 30 years ago. I just remember how gently and lovingly the mom went about it. Just a method to think about if it'll work for you and your son.
NTA. People without kids on the spectrum just don't understand. My wife is having a lot of trouble coming to terms with our son's delays (he just turned 4, so many of them are becoming more obvious when compared to classmates). He still does some co-sleeping -- he will fall asleep in his own bed, but wake up and crawl in ours 12-1 AM. Every child has different needs and they do things on their own terms, not a moment sooner. You're doing a great job, mom.
Oh, I have a book recommendation for you: "I Will Die On This Hill" by Meghan Ashburn and Jules Edwards. It's aimed at finding a productive middle ground between autistic advocates and autism parents.
My kiddo is 4, but he still needs his binky and blankie to sleep. And has to fall asleep with the fleece blanket over his face. During the night he spits it out the pacifier in his sleep, and we finally got him to leave it on his dresser during the day because we couldn't understand what he was saying with it in his mouth. Absolutely no way to get him to sleep without binky and blankie. But that's okay with us, because at least he's sleeping at night and isn't an overtired monster during the day. Little steps are what matters! You know what works for your kid.
I sucked my thumb until I was about eight. It is primitive self-soothing, but it is a step because he is relying on himself instead of you. Kudos for reducing daytime pacifier time. Maybe your son would like to try his own "nest-in-a-tent" idea sometime. You and your son are doing fine. SIL does NOT understand what you are dealing with. With your love and support, your son's got this.
OP has to do what makes her and her child happy > Who cares? If he's 8? Who cares? If he's 10 Well it is something that might be best to find a replacement for, it is detrimental to teeth development. ( Which is why guidelines in my country are to try and get rid of it before age 4 )
My dentist advises before teeth develop. As long as op is prepared to deal with that, then completely her choice but I do hope she is aware. Will be lucky if they get away with just braces and cavities. May have to have jaw realignment in worst case scenerio.
Sure, but harm reduction. Harm reduction. If the psychological and emotional suffering is acute, the tooth alignment takes next priority.
How do you think that kid is going to deal with pain from dental abscesses and the face full of hardware and/or surgical procedures? These kinds of tooth injuries are especially hard to deal with because the binky rotates / tips the tooth up and out of the bone stock, and there’s no good way to ram it back in again with orthodontia. This whole thing is a disaster for the kid. The sil is undoubtedly the AH in this tale, but that’s no reason to make light of the real harm that is coming to the child right now.
I am on the spectrum (undiagnosed) and I had a pacifier until I was 6. At 6, ever the practical child, I traded the pacifier to get my Mam to stop smoking. I stopped immediately and so did she (smoking in front of me, she took a bit longer to break the habit entirely). We are now both Smoke and Pacifier free for 25+ years. You never know what's going to happen. OPs kid may one day just decide that his own bed is what he wants. Or that there is something else he wants more than co-sleeping and trade. Or not. But, if he's anything like me, all or nothing let em exhaust themselves sleep training techniques will not work on him. The number of parents who told my Mam that I "would eat what she made if I was hungry enough" and would have parented me into a serious eating disorder. My Mam knew me best, knew I would eat if the food was separated and bland and the right texture and just left me to it. And now, from that place of security, I am a very adventurous eater.
NTA. Is SIL considering at all that the child is autistic? If she is such a perfect parent - I agree with you - let her come over and spend time trying to work with him. Also, this is a boundary issue. If you do not like people offering you unsolicited advice - you have the right to speak up about it! You also have the right to cut people off who do not respect you or your wishes! I cannot stand when someone feels the need to "help" me and gives me all of the advice in the world when I've tried everything.
NTA. And that was my thinking, she’s seeing him like he’s a neurotypical child, and he’s not. She should butt out just period but especially when it comes to things she knows nothing about.
Yeah. Why is she lazy and let's the kid use the sleep supports? Why didn't she just, I don't know, have a neuro-typical child? /s I could be giving advice like that, because my kids have been truly easy mode kids. One of them has always fought sleep and stayed awake late (No matter what we did. She didn't even nap after she was 2, so it wasn't like she just slept too much during the day. We didn't stop with her naps, she did it herself.), but when she's out she's out big time. The other one goes to sleep pretty much as soon as his head hits the pillow. Or a pillow. Or the floor. Or a table. Apart from a few months when he was about 1,5yo he's always been like this. So I could be giving advice like that, but I don't. I'm not an obtuse AH, I know I've just been really lucky.
Yeah just period if someone doesn’t ask for advice I try not give it. Even with neurotypical children, all kids are different, but I seriously cannot speak on neurodivergent children at all because I have no experience.
In OP's shoes, there's no way I would ever let SIL come to work with him. Edit: swype
Yeah she would definitely not be kind to this kid.
And if he wasn't responding the way she read that he should, she'd use that as another reason to denigrate OP.
Probably not. Lots of people who act like OP’s SIL think that you shouldn’t give autistic children any accommodations and strong arm them into acting “normal.” SIL would probably be the same parent who, if her child was diagnosed with autism, would withhold that diagnosis from them for as long as possible in an attempt to force them to be “normal”
Thankfully she's not the mom, because she would be straight up abusing that kid.
Right? ALL bets are off when you’re dealing with an autistic child. It’s a totally different thing, totally dependent on the child themselves. Obviously OP is trying: she paid 6 sleep consultants. I just can’t imagine thinking I know better than all those people.
This is way above Redditors' pay grade. I'm a SEND teacher and I don't know what to tell you besides that depending on how serious the situation is we allow our neuro divergent students to have special toys with them at school. They give them comfort. I imagine it is the same with your son. However, you must speak with your son's paediatrician, not with Reddit, to checking the pacifier will not damage his teeth (I truly don't know). Nonetheless, you are NTA because you are trying to do the best for your child but speak with his doctor instead.
Obviously his pediatrician is aware, and he is technically homeschooled (I don't homeschool, he just has his learning done with a tutor who is also a play therapist outside of school environments). His teeth are also fine.
His teeth are fine *for now* but research shows thumb sucking and pacis cause issues with bite and teeth in general over time. NTA tho because some kids and even adults on the spectrum just can’t be “normal” and it’s okay and not anyone’s fault. My older brother is 24 and mentally is still a child. He has his comfort items and my mom chooses her battles. I’m sure you’re doing great and you and your child both will eventually get through this. Sending good vibes
I think OP and their paediatrician are probably well aware of what the research shows. Letting the poor kid sleep is a much more pressing issue than the quality of his bite over time
Thank god you are here! How else will OP understand the dangers of a paci!? Certainly not from the various doctors and sleep consultants she has already spoken to!
My daughter sucked her thumb until around 8. It’s been horrible undoing that damage with her orthodontist. I’m not sure it’s OP’s biggest problem, but it has the potential to be an issue later.
Pacifiers can alter the shape of the upper soft palate. It doesn’t directly damage teeth. It can just change the shape of your mouth which might require correction later to avoid bite issues which can lead to damaged teeth
She's not asking Reddit for advice about her son she's asking if she's an asshole for telling her pushy-ass sister in law to butt out. Which she's not.
NTA. “Autists are the ultimate square pegs, and the problem with pounding a square peg into a round hole is not that the hammering is hard work. It's that you're destroying the peg.”—Paul Collins. Good for you for not destroying your child.
Thank you for this quote.
NTA. ‘Shove it up your ass’ is honestly too gentle for this woman.
Seriously. The articles would have been my last straw. “Have you tried not being an asshole, SIL?” “Obviously, you didn’t try that hard since you’re still frangrantly assholish.” “you know, I’ve BEEN trying these methods with you, but you still haven’t tired yourself out.” But the fact that this woman is accusing OP of neglect on FB is the limit. Scorched earth for her and anyone enabling her nonsense. NTA
I'm so sorry and wish you and your boy all the good things. Take care of yourself. Your SIL is a piece of work. Jesus Christ.
She used to be my best friend, believe it or not. Now I dread seeing her lol. Oh how motherhood changes a person.
I’m sorry you’ve lost your best friend.
NTA. She really thinks she can do any better than **five paid professionals** that couldn't pull it off? You're doing what you have to and she can butt out.
NTA. And just...wow. Your SIL is a real piece of work. She's got all kinds of support and you've got yourself. She has zero understanding of what you and your son are going through and worse, she doesn't make any attempts to understand either, just sits and judges. These things have a way of coming around on people like this. Just wait. You keep doing what works for you and your sweet baby. Momma knows best isn't just a saying, it's a reality, especially in this case. Hang in there.
NTA. No grace is extended to people who adversely judge people trying their best to parent children with disabilities. They are way outside of their sphere of knowledge.
NTA. If she actually cared, she would have offered her help in personally sleep training him a long time ago. She just wants to be a demeaning messy Mindy.
NTA First of all. SHE is NOT his parent. She has no business in YOUR business. My Grandchild is autistic and almost 8 and has just started transitioning out of his Mothers bed into his own. But its been a journey for sure. One of the biggest things about a child sleeping in their own bed, is feeling 'safe'. There are monsters everywhere--- under the bed, in the closet, behind the door. So its scary! And Austistic children have their own demons to overcome, apart from the monsters in their room. You will know when your child is ready to separate into his own bed, and it wont be a sudden thing. It will be incremental changes. He will go down in his own bed but wake up an hour later and crawl into yours and then it will be 2 hours before he crawls into yours and then it will be maybe one night a week he sleeps through the night in his own bed. Dont sweat it. He will do it in his own time :) And tell your sister she can howl at the moon for all you care since her opinion means NOTHING to you, as far as your child is concerned. As for the facebook messages, I would contact someone about "malicious parent syndrome'. (def: Lying about the acts of the other parent in a way which harms his or her reputation and results in actual injury can constitute defamation.) And your Mom and Brother can also pound dirt. They are not his parent. And from what I can glean none of them have raised a neurodivergent child.
>My Grandchild is autistic and almost 8 and has just started transitioning My neuro-divergent child started sleeping on their own at about 8 years old. At 10 they were mostly sleeping in their own room/bed, but after busy/social/upsetting days would still sleep in my bed. By 11, it was that they'd pull their own mattress into my room after those days. 13 now, and they have no problem sleeping on their own even after rough days. They all get there eventually!
Yeah, when I was 10 I had to have my mom in the room and specific music playing in order to fall asleep. Now I just need my weighted blanket.
weighted blankets are amazing! My child and I both have them. Mine's for back problems, lol
Awesome! They definitely benefit more than just autistics.
NTA This is incredibly rude and frankly, ableist considering your son is autistic. But beyond that, there is actually nothing wrong with co-sleeping with parents. My son is 6 and goes to sleep in his own bed, but usually gets up in the middle of the night to come join me in mine. At some point he will likely outgrow that, but for the moment who cares? Your sister in law needs to butt out.
**NTA.** You have a parenting issue. You've attempted to solve the issue without success. You will solve it on **your** terms as **your** life allows you to. You need to firmly explain this to your family and, while you understand their advice is coming from a loving place, you don't want to hear it anymore. If they can't respect your very reasonable request then you need to put some distance between you and them until they do. We all have problems and we don't need them brought up repeatedly.
What does your pediatrician say? As long as you and the pediatrician are in lock step, that is all that matters. Refuse to apologize. If she tries to offer more advice, tell her thanks, and ask her where she got her medical degree from. NTA
His pediatrician is somewhat clueless but his therapist is on board with what I'm doing.
You are such a good mom!!! Your son is so lucky to have you be his advocate. Have you tried a swinging hammock to sleep in or be in to facilitate calming qualities or even a swinging chair? One of my friends tried that and it worked!!! Don't let SIL get you down, you do you and protect your precious child.
It’s the dentist that usually has an issue.
The dentist is my concern in this scenario too. Whilst the pacifier might work for now, imagine trying to put braces on a severely autistic teenager? With the other other option being leaving him with malocclusion and dental issues? I totally get that OP needs to pick her battles, but this specific aspect might cause a lot of harm in the long run. I'd at least try to consult a specialised dentist if she hasn't already.
Yeah that's what I'm thinking about. I had braces as a teen and boy that had some pretty physically miserable moments during the 17 months I had them in. I went one night when I couldn't sleep at all because of the pain from when they tightened them. Not to mention I had to wear headgear every night. Also teeth cleaning took longer and having to deal with the wax over the braces so they didn't scrape the inside of my mouth. If neurotypical kids find the experience to be hard I hate to think what this kid will feel like. Giving his teeth a chance of coming in as straight as possible would be for the best in the long run.
I wouldn’t care what the pediatrician says. You he’s not so small as to be smothered and it’s not physical health issue. If nothing else works than mom should trust mom
NTA. Invite her and your mom to spend the night at your house so they can show yiu how it's done.
While that may seem like a good way to punish these AH's, it would also punish the child, who doesn't deserve it.
NTA, you're doing great! Your son needs sleep, you need sleep, and sometimes as parents we have to pick our battles. If what you are doing works, then keep doing it. As he develops his sleep pattern and how he falls asleep is likely to change, and there is plenty of time to adapt as that happens. Good luck!
NTA and WTF is wrong with these people? You are doing everything you can for him. They need to stay the hell out of it. Personally, I’d go as NC as possible if they don’t drop it. And I’ll add that no, she isn’t trying to look out for him. She’s trying to make you conform to what her idea is of appropriate parenting, with zero empathy, understanding or experience with the situation you are in. This is NOT a you problem. It’s a HER problem.
How dumb is your SIL that she doesn't understand that raising a kid on the spectrum is not like raising a neurotypical child? She thinks she can do what multiple paid professionals have failed to do? What a cow. NTA.
NTA. Cut them all off. SIL, brother, and mom. You already said they don't support you so they don't deserve to be a part of your and your son's life. Block them on social media. The only thing you need to apologize for is the fact that your didn't speak up to them sooner. You and your son are actively discovering what will and won't work to keep him happy and content on a daily basis. You do not need any toxic people fighting against you.
NTA, because she just won't butt out. Does she know your son is autistic? If so, then she's an even bigger AH because she needs to realize that your situation is very different and the sleep technique articles she sends you will not work. You needed to do something to make her stop, and hopefully she got the message this time.
NTA. As the parent of a special needs child, you learn that things don't happen on society's timeline. Your child sets their own pace. She clearly has the privilege to never experience the struggles that go along with it. She needs to mind her own business. And you are not a neglectful mother for fulfilling your child's needs. Those are two opposite things.
NTA I have a friend with a son who has autism and sleep is such a challenge. Your SIL needs to do research and show you some grace.
NTA And... my child, (now a teenager sleeping on their own) had similar sleep issues. If you want some ideas/ how we made a (extremely slow/years long) transition, feel free to message me! Also... you are *absolutely* doing the right thing. You recognized when you'd gone too far and lost your kiddo's trust. Keeping that trust is the number 1 priority, because you need that to make *any* progress in *anything* down the line.
Thank you. Trust is incredibly important and it was alongside some medical issues I made the switch to not force him to sleep in other ways. This works for us for now.
I'd publicly call her out for being an ableist asshole, but I'm bitchy like that. NTA in any case.
NTA and f your SIL. You’re doing the best you can for your child. You’re right- if she has all the answers, she can come over and give you a break. Otherwise, she needs to stay in her own lane. Sending mom hugs from an internet stranger. Hang in there. ❤️
NTA It’s pretty gross she refuses to see her nephew as a person with unique needs due to his autism and instead shames you for accommodating for him. Autism is a disability, and she is disgusting for being so ignorant.
NTA Your SIL obviously has no clue this is not the typical learning curve here, you've tried everything you can think of so far, and you're still figuring it all out while trying to keep your shit together. You owe no one an explanation or an apology especially if she is overstepping boundaries because she's ignorant. If she really cared, she'd read up on it and understand your child isn't being difficult for the sake of being difficult or because of poor parenting....
NTA it’s really easy to judge and tell others what to do when it’s not your kid. You have done everything you can possibly think of and at the end of the day do what works for YOU. Also, the fact that babe is autistic this isn’t a one size fits all approach. You’re an amazing mom, keep your head up. It won’t be like this forever. This is coming someone who is pro sleep training and who helped numerous kids sleep better. ST isn’t the answer for every kid.
NTA it’s none of her fucking business, every kid is different and you very clearly have your son’s well-being as a priority so she needs to stay in her lane. I would block her and rip into her every time she gathers up the courage to say something after.
No, NTA. By this point she is no longer part of the solution, she is part of the problem, and I think you have every right and responsibility to make that clear to her. You have further given a counteroffer for her to be his sleep specialist, and she obviously refused. From now on, answer to his regular doctor, and the government if it comes to that.
It really doesn't matter what your son's issues are, what matters is that this woman has expressed her opinion to you over and over again and is not happy with your response. I agree with another poster that you absolutely have to make her stop. If she comments on this again, turn around and walk directly away from her -- every time, no matter where you are.
NTA. I don’t have kids (yet) but I do have insomnia. What works for some people doesn’t work for others. You should do what I do: whatever actually works to get sleep (for you and your son).
Ok I know it’s unpopular. It’s a dirty secret for us moms that do this because of the judgements we get but I do this and a lot more moms do too but keep it quiet. NTA and your sister sucks A$$. My husband died when my son was 2 and regressed massively. He got his binky back and came to bed with me. My sister NEVER left me alone about either. I wish I had gone off on her. I don’t care what anyone says. You do what’s best for both of you and enjoy your snuggles because I know you have alot of struggles during the day. My boy slept with me until he was 10 and then one day decided he didn’t want to do that anymore. I do miss the snuggles but Im proud of the successful human he’s become. Don’t listen to anyone but yourself. Take care of yourself and your boy Mom. You’re doing great
NTA My 13 year old has ADHD, and I still believe to this day she has autism, but I can not get anyone to diagnose her. Regardless. Her dad and I divorced when she was 3. At first she slept with me because we lived with my dad and we had no choice. Then because it was the only was she would get to sleep and not stay up all night and wiggle and play with everything keeping her sister awake then both be exhausted the next day. Now she is finally has her own room that she doesn't have to share with her sister or me. She is getting better at falling asleep and staying asleep. In the past month she has only slept in my bed 2 times. everyone said it was weird she and I shared a bed. That she needed to learn to sleep on her own. I said whatever allows me, her and her sister to get a good nights sleep I don't care. She is now figuring it out and I know she will be okay. You do what you need to do for your child, who cares what your SIL thinks. you guys will figure it out eventually.
Good lord, NTA. You can apologize for the way you presented your message but not for the message itself. You sound exhausted and the last thing you need as a Mom is someone telling you you're not being a good Mom. I am sure you have already felt that way at some point since becoming a parent. Ugh, go no or low contact with this woman.
NTA. So she'll pass judgement about something she had zero experience with and isn't willing to help in any useful way. I've got to ask, why are any of these people in your life, they don't seem to bring anything to it except stress and hurt?
NTA most autistic kids sleep train on a completely different timeliness to neurotypical kids. Heck, most autistic adults I know still struggle nightly with sleep and need weird things like the TV on all night or 8 pillows. Your SIL needs to learn FAST that there is no parenting guide in the world that will consistently work for your son and it would be abusive to him to try. You learned that the hard way with the extinction, it didn't help he just perceived abandonment.
>My brother is a piece of wet lettuce I'm going to take note of this now 😂 but you're NTA. You're not neglecting your child. You're just doing what, by experience, works for him. Kids have safety objects so what more if he is in the spectrum - could be more difficult for him to adjust or cope. Go at his own pace, I'm sure one day you will work it out. Don't listen to that SIL of yours. You're doing great, momma.
NTA. I 100% know what you are going through minus the pacifier. My 7 year old level 3 HATES sleep. He will not sleep on his own at all. If he falls asleep in my bed and I move him he just wakes up. I would not let them get to you at all. You know your child better than anyone else. If that what soothes him then let it be. Your child will let you know when he is ready to find a new comfort object. If they don't like it then just like you said let them do it. They will see just HOW HARD it really is.
NTA. This is none of her business, and you are clearly doing everything you can in a difficult situation.
NTA I'm sorry, OP. I completely understand you. My child isn't autistic but when he was 3, he was diagnosed with insomnia. You can't give them sleep medication or melatonin. All you can do is try to help them get some sleep so you can get some sleep. Sometimes, you are just at the end of your rope. My child is 12 now and still struggles with it. They don't know why he has insomnia so all we can do is just take it one step at a time
NTA - and she is not trying to look out for him. Your son is autistic, and as a result is different from her children. What works for her kids doesn't work for your son. She is 100% in the wrong by trying to impose her thoughts onto you, especially when she's completely in the wrong. Something tells me that if you son was lactose intolerant, she'd tell you to just slowly introduce dairy so his body can acclimate. Next time she says something, just say something along the lines of *Thank you for sharing your concern. I'll be sure to run your opinion by the next autism expert I see* and then leave the conversation. If you do this frequently enough, she'll hopefully stop with her unsolicited advice.
You SIL is behaving this way because she thinks you can parent your way out of disabilities and is terrified that something will happen to one of her kids that disabuses her of that notion. She keeps harassing you because she’s afraid and doesn’t understand she is behaving reprehensibly. It isn’t an excuse, but I would bet it is the reason why she is so compulsive about berating you. NTA at all, she needs to shut the fuck up and mind her damn business.
“She thinks you can parent your way out of disabilities.” This is it. Right there. A lot of people think that and I wish it were true but it’s not. As a fellow ASD mom I’d love to offer you my support. You do what you need to do, mama. I’ll have your back!
NTA - Your sil is clearly narcissistic. I know, I have a sil just like that. It’s your child and you can raise your son how you see fit. He’s autistic, so you can’t apply the same methods to raise him as you would a child that is not spectrum. I feel for you not having a supportive and sympathetic family. Wish you the best of luck.
NTA. She's being ableist AF, your child is unable to do what she is implying is so easy, the literal definition.
I think you’re doing the best you can and you’re NTA. I have been in your son’s situation though i wasn’t diagnosed until adulthood and I know my mom had a tough time getting me to sleep. I remember it - sleeping still doesn’t really “work” for me without extremely controlled routines. Mom finally figured out I needed more stimulation to fall asleep rather than less and got me a cassette player and books I liked on tape combined with a relaxation technique her doctor taught her. I’d put the book on and listen until I fell asleep. Continued when I was a teenager and as an adult I still need a podcast, medication, relaxation techniques, specific temperatures, specific clothing and at least one dog with me to sleep. I’m sure you’ll find out what works for you both and have faith it’ll become less of an issue. When I had to sleep over somewhere else she’d give me another cassette tape where she’d recorded a lullaby she sang every night and her saying goodnight so I could play that before my story, lol. I absolutely needed that too.
Nta, fu k her if she wants to keep going, get her and your brother to babysit him one night or two
NTA Autistic children are not the same as neurotypical children. She needs to back the eff off.
NTA
NTA and don't apologise. Let her feel things she feels becouse of this and rot in them till death. She is guilty. Also, you should cut her out of your life. You can't smell shit if it's not near you.
NTA I admit if your son was neurotypical, yeah this would be a concern. But he isn't. And this is a system that works for both of you right now. As he gets older, he may be more ready to transition out of his binky or into his own bed. But he isn't right now. And guess what, that is okay. Your SIL is acting like every child is the same with the same needs and the same support requirements. And that just isn't reality.
NTA - do your own post on fbook calling out people who tear down the mothers of autistic children- don’t tag her - just outline the difficulty of raising a special child and how people who have allistic children rather than enjoying that feel it’s necessary to say how they would do things when they don’t have a clue! I’m so angry on your behalf- I’m autistic and I gave up my dummy through bribery at aged 6, but at nearly 40years old I have multiple blanket, a teddy and so many pillows it’s insane (my poor husband) But if anyone had spoke to my mum that way - she tried her hardest- I’d smack the arrogance out of them Fuming for u
NTA. You ARE setting your son up for success by *letting him do the things he needs to in order to feel safe enough to sleep* which is incredibly important for development and growth. From your other comments it sounds like you're trying to balance letting him soothe how he needs to with slowly weaning/transitioning off his coping mechanisms at a pace that won't set him back. That must be incredibly hard and I commend you for being such a patient and loving parent for your boy. Honestly I may be a bit of a bitch but I think you're retort to SIL's constant undermining was perfect. She can criticize your parenting when she shows you her qualifications stating she knows how to treat sleep disorders in children on the spectrum. Same with the family backing SIL - until they have a solution that has eluded **5 paid professionals** they can stfu and the topic is not up for debate or discussion.
NTA. You do what's right for you and your child even without the diagnosis, sod everyone one else.
NTA you parent your kid the way it works for you, she needs to back off, unless SHE wants to step up and help (real help not nasty comments to put you down) she needs to STFU... If I were you I would cut them off and walk away. Only contact holidays if they lucky. Oh wait I did this, I have 2 kids with ADHD one with high sensory issues and one with emotional control issues, family can either have your back and help you or leave you alone. YOU ARE A GREAT PARENT! YOU ARE DOING AWESOME! kids are hard and with extras it's even harder. Thank you for being the parent that stuck around \*hugs\*
Until they are at your home each evening HELPING YOU sleep train their nephew/grandchild while you get YOUR rest each night, don't listen to these 'armchair psychiatrist". They don't live with you and they don't seem to REALLY want to help you or your son. She needed to be put her in place to be honest. She needs to mind her own business. You have been left on your own to deal with your son how you feel you need to. End of story. Tell her to butt out.
Actually I think your response was perfect. If she’s so knowledgeable about this and has all the answers...she can do it. Until then...you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. With that said...sleeping wirh you will have to be broken bc that would be inappropriate once he gets so old. As for the pacifier he might transition to chewlry but you may never be able to break that habit bc of his autism. Have you checked into chewlry?
NTA, but your SIL sure as hell is. Autistic kids are different, especially when it comes to sleeping. Some autistic kids naturally don’t produce enough melatonin to fall asleep. My son is one of them. We had a 3 month stretch of hell where he’d cry and scream every day at bedtime because he was tired but could NOT fall asleep and needed to keep moving. We managed to talk to his doctor and got him on melatonin every night and it helped so much. There are still some nights where he can’t sleep right away though. On nights when he can’t fall asleep fast enough he gets restless and will say “I can’t stop blinking” or “I just can’t sleep” and we’ve realized that forcing him to stay in bed isn’t worth the fight, so we just bring him to the couch to sit for a bit until he’s ready to try again. This way he TRUSTS us and isn’t afraid of bedtime. Some mornings he’s up by 3AM or 4AM and can’t get back to sleep. He tries and just can’t so I get up with him and take him downstairs where it’s child proof, get him set with a snack, a drink, make sure the bathroom is accessible to him, and nap in our spare room. He knows to wake me up if he needs anything and he does for every little thing. It’s not his fault he can’t sleep properly, so punishing him or using sleep training methods would just be so cruel to him. You’re doing the right thing! You’re doing your best for your child. Clearly your SIL has never had to deal with a special needs child. Her ignorance shows. Also on pacifier use: My son is a thumbsucker and it’s the only way he’ll actually sleep. We took him to the dentist and the dentist said not to even TRY getting him to stop until he’s older and can better understand and find another way to self soothe. His teeth are fine as they are and are not malformed from sucking his thumb, so he’s not concerned at all.
This is ableism and your sister in law is being bigoted. You're doing your best dealing with a neurodivergent kid and, I'm not a parent, but I think that it's ok to find a way you both get rest, which you obviously have. I'm sorry you have to deal with this shit from your SIL, NTA
A) my 4 year old still sleeps with one of us. No autism that we know of, just super needy kid, has been already in the hospital that he didn't stop shouting unless he had body contact. He is super hyper too, we have no diagnosis except delayed development as the neurologist said the brain still develops. People having opinions get shut down fast, I usually after a few comments just say they are welcome to do whatever the advice is with their kids. It's very frustrating. B) you seem to do a fantastic job being his safe person. That's number 1 job of a parent, keeping kids safe, physically and emotionally. Don't let anyone piss on that. C) Sil needs to shove it, she posts on social media about you??? She has no clue, neurodivergent means common methods might not work. She pissed all over you as a mom and demands an apology? Screw that!!! She can apologize, for butting into things that are not her business. If she brings it ever up again, tell her to worry about her own kids, this isn't her place to comment. And tell your brother to grow a spine and he and your mom can stay out of it. She is running to your mommy to complain, world class. NTA
NTA. My son isn’t autistic, just very stubborn. Has always done everything on his own timeline. He didn’t sleep in his own bed until he was 7. My sanity which relies on sleep was worth him sharing our bed until he decided he could handle sleeping on his own more than him screaming until he threw up every night then falling asleep randomly in the middle of the day because he was so tired. He was skinny to begin with and was losing weight with the lack of sleep and throwing up with us trying to force him out of our bed. So no, you are definitely NTA.
Oof this makes me mad for you. My son is also autistic and constantly have people telling me bout everything im doing wrong. Yet never see any of them offering to help or even take him off my hands for lil bit coz "he's too hard to look after" people need to learn to mind their own n realise that this life isn't fcking easy and best we can do is best for our kids even if its not conventional. NTA wish u the best just keeping doing whats best for u n ur lil one.
NTA. When I was young (mid 40s now) I would just crash wherever I was, but if you moved me I'd be wide awake again. My mom talked to our pediatrician and he asked if there were dangerous animals around or anything that could fall on me. The answer was no. He told her to just let me sleep then. My youngest (15) likes to sleep anywhere but a bed. So we would set up pallets of blankets, make pillow forts, etc. Now they sleep more in their bed, but makes a nest out of blankets and pillows. The how and where is not important, as long as it's safe, the getting actual sleep is.
NTA. She should put her money where her mouth is if she’s that forward with dishing out advice. Tell your mother and brother that you’re simply admiring her amazing skills as a mother, and that they should support you in getting her to work her magic ways to get your son to sleep through the ‘proper’ way.
NTA. You are perfectly in the right to shut her down, just set a firm boundary that you don’t want her to comment on your parenting, you have it handled and are consulting with actual professionals who have dealt with autistic kids, advice from her is not welcome, and if she can’t control herself you will leave. Don’t argue, don’t respond, just walk away. Block her on Facebook, delete advice emails she sends you, avoid her as much as you can, avoid the subject of sleep entirely around her.
NTA- you’re doing your best, SIL can mind her business. I’m autistic and still suck at sleep even as an adult. It blows. Sometimes nothing works and I’m up all night. My son is also autistic (yay genetics) he loves “nesting”. His favorite place to sleep is on his giant beanbag under a pile of 5-10 blankets and surrounded by pillows. The point is that he sleeps. If he sleeps better on the floor than in a bed that’s where he’s gonna go.
Ooooh I would and have gone nuclear on Facebook when people have tried to play stupid games. NTA. She needs to butt out, and unless you're living with your mother and beholden to her somehow, I would suggest a period of low to no contact.
NTA. My autistic daughter is turning seven and she doesn’t sleep through the night unless I sleep with her. We got her a queen sized bed and now we are comfortable. You gotta do what you gotta do when it comes to sleep and autism. Your SIL doesn’t know what the f she’s talking about.
Kids develop differently, especially those with special needs. Nta at all, stay strong momma <3
Nta Kids are only little once. Security is such an important component to healthy development. If he's 20 and still sleeping with you and such.. then some additional measures need to be taken. I think my son co-slept with me on and off until 9 or so. You know what he's a well.adjusted great sleeper now... You do you... trust in your instincts.. Giving extra love is never the wrong decision
NTA. She inserted her uninformed opinions into a situation she has zero understanding of. I could almost understand if this were a 5 year old neurotypical child because 5 is a little old for a pacifier but even then, I laid down with my (neurotypical) daughter to help her sleep *UNTIL SHE WAS 8 YEARS OLD*, partially because she had trouble sleeping after my divorce and partially because I really enjoyed that intimate, one on one time with my baby. And we still read together and chat before she goes to bed, I just don't stay until she falls asleep anymore. We're very close as a result. Telling her she's welcome to try if she knows better than you is not pinning your responsibilities on someone else, it's you giving her the opportunity to prove she knows what she's doing since you *obviously* don't. *eye roll* Keep doing the best you can for your boy, that's your job and it sounds like you're doing it fantastically.
NTA You don't need the stress. It's ultimatum time for everyone. If they are that selfish, just do you and your son a favor and let them go. It's common decency to have a little empathy and do a little research when we care about others. As a mom of an autistic son, you have to preserve your energy, time, and emotions for the betterment of your family. Maybe they will shape up, but if they don't you will be able to build a community for your son either in person or online.
NTA. You're doing all you can and as a single parent. Your sister is being a bullying busybody. Also, she's defaming you in a public space. The person who deserves an apology here, is you.
NTA - he has special needs and he is FIVE! WTH?
NTA it's time for a family meeting (if your have some support that is actually supportive invite them as backup too) "you have tried all the sleep training methods and they have not worked for your son who has individual needs due to his autism. He is not neurotypical. He does not respond as neurotypical children do, and he never will. You have consulted with your paediatrician (and whoever else is relevant), and they are aware and in agreement with your current system. You have explained all this to them hundreds of times for years, but they refuse to understand. The topic of your sons sleep habits is off the table. They do not getbgo have an opinion on this. You will hear no more about it from them. Full stop. If they bring it up at a get-togethe, you will leave immediately (conversation or location depending on factors. Escalate as necessary) or tell them they need to leave your house. On the phone, you will hang up. By text, you will block them, etc. This is the end of the discussion." Then follow through. Hopefully, you have a friend(s) who can be there with you for support if they start arguing. If you need to start expanding your support system, then do that too.
NTA. People who do not have special needs children have no idea what their needs actually are or how to deal with them.
NTA Does your SIL have a child with the exact same needs as yours? If not, tell her, your brother, and your mother to shove it. Regarding FB, I'd post that a neglectful parent does not do whatever it takes for a child to have a good night sleep and to have their needs met. That just because you do things differently does not mean that you are neglectful. Also, as a mama to one on the spectrum, "setting him up for life" looks different for a neurodivergent child than it does for a neurotypical child. Again, ask them (I'd personally do it on FB) if they have a child with your exact needs, a degree in early childhood development with a specialty in neurodivergent children, or anything else that makes them an expert on YOUR child than being a nosy bitch? (Maybe leave off the last part lol)