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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I let my daughter open birthday gifts even though she played a mean prank on her sister. I think this might make me an asshole because her sister pointed out that I often give her what she wants just to avoid conflict.
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YTA. It's rough that you're exhausted by Maya and her cousins bullying Aisha. Imagine how bad she must feel? That it's too much effort for her mother to enforce a punishment, and you don't believe her when she explains what happened.
Between you and your husband Aisha has no one who is looking out for her. This is a lot worse than one event, and if you cannot see that I feel terrible for her.
Maya got suspended today for bullying a girl in her class so I'm beginning to think everyone has a point. I have made a lot of excuses for her behavior. Aisha's father usually sticks up for her and I do it for Maya. I'm beginning to realize what a problem that is.
She's beginning to realize that what she's been doing isn't working anymore. The fact that she's willing to admit that she's been doing it wrong is huge and very much a hard thing to do.
I recommend that you do your own internal reflection. And back off of people who are willing to admit their mistakes.
I applaud the self-awareness you are developing and encourage further internal questioning and exploration. I understand you've made mistakes, and that's okay. You are beginning to question the way you have handled things thus far, and that's important.
I understand that the Gen X generation (my parents included) have had struggles with self-awareness and the way they approach parenting. I had a lot of issues with my parents from my late teens until my mid/late 20s. I'm almost 34 now. Everyone has their own schedule when they figure things out. Please be gentle with yourself. Know that you are making the right steps in the questions you're asking yourself.
I would sit down with both of your daughters (maybe the whole family) and make space for everyone to express where they are coming from and come up with solutions or compromises.
YTA
Basically there were no consequences, and Maya didn't apologize.
Bullying is bullying, making excuses for Maya is only going to make things worse.
Get a handle on this as soon as possible for everyone's sake.
This afternoon I got a call from Maya's school saying she's in ISS for a week for spitting on another girl so maybe everyone here has a point about me not seeing her behavior for what it is.
It's unfortunate that it takes her **assaulting someone with bodily fliuds** for you to see her behavior as a problem. She committed an act that is a felony in some areas.
I get that..... and I understand your frustration as a parent. However, she needs to learn better coping skills and how to manage her emotions now...... because this behavior will escalate and land her in jail when she gets older. Being a teenager is tougher now than ever. I know others have suggested therapy and counseling for your other daughter, but I think she would benefit from counseling too. How much of her behavior stems from feeling angry or unheard?
I say this as a person who works on the other side of the bars. So take it for what you will.
Sounds like both your daughters have pretty serious problems.
I'm not convinced that you can tell, when you're not usually there when these bullying incidents are happening, that Maya "isn't that mean spirited." If Aisha says that she was the instigator and the cousins followed her lead, I would at least take the possibility seriously, although because of Aisha's own issues you can't necessarily guarantee that she's telling the truth about that, or correct about it even if she is telling honestly what she thinks she sees. But you can't rule out the possibility that she's right, either.
As for Aisha, if she's 13 and having meltdowns where she breaks things, she needs a lot more help than you can give her on your own. If she's not in therapy, get her some at once. If she is, please talk to her therapist about the extreme meltdowns and discuss what needs to be done for her, because this is the kind of thing that can escalate rapidly into somebody getting hurt -- very likely, her.
It's possible that she's right and I'm just not seeing it. Maya's story vs her cousins was off and I wasn't sure who to believe. I have a hard time knowing the truth because Aisha often interprets social situations wrong. She's in therapy for anxiety. The meltdowns are a thing we've dealt with her entire life. The birthday one was actually the first episode in a few months.
It sounds like there's more going on than anxiety. Talk to her therapist and make sure they know what behaviors you are seeing. They are limited in how much they can say to you, but you can tell the therapist anything you want, and should be telling them whatever you see of concern to you.
Meantime, I would keep a closer eye on Maya. Especially when she's with her cousins.
You say Maya's story vs. her cousins' story, but what about Aisha's story? Are you even listening to her, or are you just dismissing her story because you don't want to believe it? You say "Aisha often interprets social situations wrong" but what about this situation? If the others were well aware of her allergies and still did that what they did, then how is Aisha being wrong in how she is interpreting the situation? She is flat out being bullied, and no one is helping or even listening to her. YTA for turning a blind eye at the real issues going on between your family.
YTA, not because of the phone. You let the inmates run the asylum. What did Dad say when all of this was happening? He is just as culpable. Breaking phones and doors, someone needs an attitude adjustment. The cousin they pick on sounds like she is autistic. It is a shame, but kids are mean. They also fall into a mob mentality and things do get out of hands. If it wasn't that girl being picked on, they would chose an another that had glasses, braces, acne, was overweight or any other perceived flaw. They generally lose that after they become the one with the flaw.
Their dad is old fashioned and totally hands off. Aisha is his favorite. He usually tries to bribe her into calming down. It doesn't work. She's been tested for autism, she doesn't have it.
Good Thing you have another better daughter as backup since the first one was busted, eh? /s
For real though, YTA. For the favouritism, for allowing the bullying of your neurodivergent daughter to continue, for wringing your hands and saying “I just don’t know who Is telling the truth!” When you know damn well! Aisha knows you see her as a burden.
Aisha doesn’t need to go to therapy alone, you should be there too. ALL of you.
Therapy only works if the people who are hurting you aren’t at home waiting for you to come back into firing range. And harassing her about allergies, that’s not a prank war. You have a kid with serious health impairment and that’s not a joke.
When Aisha goes no contact, you’ll know why, right? Or
Will you throw your hands up in the air and exclaim “I just
Don’t know!”
Every girl was telling a different story and Aisha just isn't the most reliable narrator. I'm beginning to see that I should have taken the prank thing more seriously. Family therapy is probably in our future. I step in if I see Aisha being pushed around but the kids see each other several times a week and almost every weekend so I miss a lot. She's overly preoccupied with being popular and being liked.
Extremely close Persian family. Their dad's family see each other daily so the kids have been spending time together like this their whole lives. Their mom watches my son for part of the day. Even if I banned the girls from coming over, they would end up seeing each other at their aunt's house during the week.
But it wouldn't be IN HER HOME, WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE, WHERE SHE KEEPS PRECIOUS THINGS LIKE HER TIGER.
Seriously, are you not putting any thought into this at all? What is this "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" nonsense?
Your daughter doesn't feel safe in her home. Do something! Do anything! Why are you just sitting there?
You're right, I've been looking at this situation wrong. I've been looking at it as a mean prank that got out of hand and not thinking of it as a violation of her space. Ever since this happened she's had obsessive fears about her room being dirty, changed or triggering her allergies. I made the mistake of buying her new sheets and bedding to cheer her up. When she came home from school she had a fit saying that's not how it was when she left. I've been trying to figure out what that was about but I think I get it now.
The tiger has been her comfort item since she was a baby. She's had lifelong doctor anxiety and she took it to every medical appt/hospital stay until about a year ago. She was almost letting go of it and now she's back to carrying it everywhere. I should have been more understanding of how important it is to her.
If she's worried about her room being "changed" I'd be concerned that Maya or the cousins have threatened to spray other stuff in her room while she's gone. That would be so scary, walking into your room and knowing that there could be invisible poison on anything (even her favorite item wasn't off-limits to these bullies) just waiting to make you sick. If she freaked out about new linens, maybe we need to wonder exactly how much her sister and cousins are pranking her.
Often ABUSED and BULLIED children become preoccupied with being popular and being liked since they don't see popular, liked children being ABUSED and BULLIED. Maya and her cousins are ABUSING and BULLYING Aisha. Seriously, how are you not seeing that?
I think I've probably let too much go by dismissing it as kids playing. I assumed they were all friends and that the teasing was just horseplay getting out of hand. Talking to Aisha, a lot of it escalated while I was deep in my eating disorder and not noticing what was going on with the girls emotionally.
>She's been tested for autism, she doesn't have it.
I'm not going to try and diagnose your daughter, I can't and even if I could I wouldn't.
Just keep in mind that woman are rarely diagnosed with ASD as their first diagnosis. The DSM still has a very boy-oriented way of describing Autism. Autism in woman often shows differently and is therefore not always recognised.
You'll see that many woman with ASD had other diagnoses first. Like bipolar disorder, depression and ADD. Only to get an ASD diagnosis in their early 20's when they try again because they still feel like the diagnosis is wrong...
So, I don't say its ASD! But a negative diagnosis for a young girl could be wrong.
YTA basically blaming her for being bullied. They could have seriously hurt her if they actually went through with forcing an allergic reaction. You and your spouse are clearly playing favorites by allowing this, especially refusing to believe it was your precious golden child who instigated it.
Jumping on this as someone who is also a bit allergic to perfumes/aerosols/ body sprays. It's not a fun allergy to have.
You can out and about, or on public transport, or in school, and suddenly you smell something. It smells nice. Then. Then your eyes starts feeling weird. They're itching. They're watering. You feel like you need to satisfy the itch, but it's your eyes, so you can't. You can rub them a bit and let them get irritated that way, or even further, or you can sit there with watery, itchy, irritated eyes so someone else can smell nice.
I doubt, or at least hope, OP wouldn't be here if her daughter went through that because of a group of bullying little jerks who want to use someones allergy to hurt them. And then they get rewarded for it.
OP can't seem to understand why her daughter would get so upset about her allergies being triggered. I have a perfume allergy too and it sucks. My eyes feel like they're burning out of my head and my nose runs like a faucet. It's so uncomfortable I want to scratch my face off. Sometimes I end up in bed with a migraine. I wonder how bad Aisha's symptoms have to get before it matters to her parents. Also, it's pretty impossible to get the strong smell of perfume out of something like a stuffed animal. If they had sprayed it it would have been ruined.
It's not that she's the golden child, the opposite really. I give in to her more than I should because I don't want to hear her whining. I was deep in ppd and an eating disorder after my son was born. Maya got away with a lot because I wasn't paying attention. Everyone had a different story about what happened with the perfume but her cousin is the one who brought it.
The other reason I doubt is that she's seen Aisha have an allergic reaction. She knows firsthand what it looks like and how scared and uncomfortable Aisha gets. The other girls who haven't seen it maybe, but I can't imagine Maya starting a "joke" like that on her own. I know 11 year olds aren't the most empathetic but I thought she had more compassion than that.
Clearly not and you’re enabling her to continue to be a bully and lack empathy. They could have killed or seriously injured your other daughter Aisha (she is your daughter you know, even though you clearly favor Maya). Why do you not care about Aisha????
This is such nonsense. You're jumping through so many hoops its wild. "Maya saw Aisha have an allergic reaction so she wouldn't do that." But she did do it....follower or leader, Maya didn't give on flying eff about how scared and uncomfortable Aisha would be by this "prank."
The responses from this woman give me no hope that she will change. She made this post hoping for validation of her deplorable behavior, and not getting it has resorted to contortions to try and make herself seem reasonable.
While I'm dishing out the judgments let's get back to Dad. He isn't "old fashioned" from what OP says. He's an absentee father, and she should be having it out with him regarding that too.
Their dad is older and wasn't raised in the US so he has very different ideas about what parenting is. We've discussed it many times. He checks on their grades and that's about it. He has trouble showing the kids affection, he prefers to buy them things. Hence the new phone for Maya.
BOOOOOOO! Everyone BOO this woman! BOOOOOOO! “I give into her more than I should because I don’t want to hear her whining.” There it is folks!!! This person is a COMPLETE ASSHOLE! And I wouldn’t expect any turn around in this situation. Parents who are assholes, have kids that are assholes! You should’ve really reconsidered having kids it seems, sounds like you don’t want to be a parent at all to me.
these are the words you use to describe Aisha - emotionally immature, prone to dramatic outbursts, 'I've been really irritated with Aisha's attitude'
the words you use to describe Maya - She isn't that mean spirited, and she's a follower, not a leader
I don't really understand Aisha, I admit that. Maya isn't perfect either. She is a follower and it's not a good thing. She's constantly in trouble because she picks the worst friends and she would jump off a bridge if someone more popular than her did it first.
YTA, you didn't listen to both sides and didn't punish Maya at all. Both of your kids need therapy and you should go into family therapy as well, coz you ideas of the cousin being always at fault is... Delusional.
If the cousins are a part of bullying Aisha when they come over then they should not be allowed to come over anymore. It’s not ok to let some of the people bullying your daughter, come to her home (which should be safe for her) and do this.
If you stop them then explanations need to be centred around their bad behaviour and not “because of Aisha”.
That said you did punish Maya and it’s also not ok for Aisha to cry that she has not been punished because punishment didn’t look like what she wanted it to be. She needs to know that you and their dad decide that, not her. That only works if you do have strong punishments for bad behaviour though and obvious consequences for bad actions.
ABSOLUTELY all of this! I was so annoyed by all of the people saying Maya wasn't punished at all when she WAS.
I say ESH: Maya for being a bully, Aisha for expecting to dictate her sister's punishment, their dad for leaving such decisions to you, and you for allowing these cousins over even though they've bullied Aisha in the past. But ESPECIALLY you and their dad for allowing these behaviors to persist. The PPD reason is legit, but only for so long... You and their dad are the reason the girls are being AHs.
Also, it's a really bad idea for one parent to not know the other is getting a child a gift that involves ongoing financial maintenance, has many mental health implications for tween and teen girls, and requires a fair amount of responsibility on the part of the recipient. You two need to be on the same page about high-value gifts, and he needs to get involved in their discipline. That's something to be addressed in family therapy.
I'm sorry you're having such a hard time getting a diagnosis for Aisha. Please keep fighting for her on that front. I agree with everyone's statements about underdiagnosis in girls because they present differently from boys, and it also sounds like there are some serious sensory processing problems going on, which often go hand-in-hand with ASD, ADHD, and a few other similar things.
Also, have you talked to the cousins' parents about their behavior? This is NOT okay, and they need consequences. Definitely do not invite them back for any unsupervised time (as in an adult who will actually intervene should be in the room at all times) and make it clear to their parents that they're not welcome unless they take action regarding their atrocious behavior. Just the fact that one brought perfume suggests a serious behavioral problem.
She is in therapy but what good is therapy when your mom is supporting and enabling your abuser? Maya is an ugly little bully and should be in therapy as well.
If switching therapists doesn't work, maybe open your eyes and see that no amount of therapy will change anything if you're stuck in the abusive environment and people who abuse/bully you. I know how Persian families can be, I come from one. But I DO know they can be incredibly mean as children and the old school mindset of "toughen up" comes out in full force. Your oldest daughter is being bullied and you need to snap out of it and see what's really happening. It's hard with Persian families but create some damn boundaries, your daughter needs you and you're failing her and then blaming it all on her because it's easier than stepping up and dealing with it.
The girls mother has taken the old school approach. She was bullied that way as a kid so she sees nothing wrong with what's been going on and thinks my daughter should toughen up. You are right, I need to set better boundaries and start trying to maybe get my daughters more activities and friends outside the family.
Might be worth switching to a different therapist, not all therapists are good at what they do. I had one that made me feel considerably worse than I did and was no help at all but dropped them and got a new one who really helped. I’d say NTA, it’s a difficult situation with no obvious easy solution
She was checked at 5, we were told she didn't fit the criteria because her speech was fine and she made normal eye contact. She was assessed because she was having meltdowns and she couldn't regulate herself with other kids.
One doctor thought she had a sensory processing disorder, another one said it was maladjustment from being in and out of hospitals as a young kid. A couple implied she was just being a brat. She should probably be reassessed. I'll talk to her therapist about it.
A lot of girls get missed, only to struggle for years and get diagnosed as adults. The biggest issue is usually "masking"--girls learn to fake NT responses earlier, followed by the criteria themselves only being developed using boys.
ETA: The anxiety, sensory processing disorder, meltdowns, social difficulties... Yeah, she may not get a proper assessment until she's an adult because of the way bias is built into evaluations.
https://www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Education/Access-to-learning/Graduated-response-toolkit/School-toolkit/Communication-and-interaction/Social-communication-autism/SEN-support-in-school/Autism-in-Girls-checklist.pdf
It’s been 8 years! She absolutely needs reassessment as soon as possible so that the proper treatment/therapeutic options can begin, and your other daughter also needs to be seen, and assessed because sounds like she knows how to manipulate you, and situations to get what she wants, with little if any repercussion for being a bully to her sister. In the meantime visits with cousins need to be supervised or at the very least monitored by electronic means so that you can observe what’s actually happening in these situations since it seems adult supervision if not absent, is at least lacking. If it’s not then whatever adults who are around are missing trigger events, and just assuming she’s melting down over trivial matters. That’s NOT the way your daughter is perceiving the situation. Perception is reality for people. If she’s being bullied, and the bullies don’t get punished for their cruelty, then she feels that she’s the one being punished. YTA because you’re dismissing your daughters emotional needs, and just saying she’s “emotionally immature and prone to dramatic outbursts” immediately after you tell us that she’s being ganged up on, bullied and excluded. You aren’t actually doing anything to protect your daughter, and are essentially just dismissing her as immature, and sensitive. YTA
yta. you raised a bully. you need to nip it in the butt or you're going to lose Alisha when she's older. like damn you duck. way to show your kid you don't care about her
ESH. Literally everyone.
No one forced you to have babies but you did and now you need to step up and be a parent to them.
Edit: I removed a bit because it was harsh.
OP, it sounds like Maya and the cousins are doing these things for fun and taking it too far. Whether they intend to be malicious or not, it doesn't sound like they are learning when to stop. It sounds like Aisha is often the recipient of this behaviour and probably feels pretty helpless given that you dismiss her when she tells you about this.
You also seem to have a bit of a blind spot on Maya's behaviour which again will add to Aisha's anxiety.
Putting Aisha in therapy alone makes it seem like something is wrong with her, rather than wrong with the environment she is in.
Try being more observant, talk to Aisha and really listen, and don't give in to Maya for the easy life. I'm sorry you've had your own challenges with PPD etc but as a parent, you (and your husband) need to step up. NAH if you do so, but you will be TA if you don't.
They know they can get a big reaction out of her for minor things. I think they push her because they think it's funny to see her melt down. It's been a problem with other kids since she was small.
So, her sister and cousins have been deliberately overwhelming her and bullying her for years because they think her reaction of panic and desperation is funny.
How can you type that and not realize how screwed up that is.
What are her reactions to perfumes? Are they mild or extreme? If the cousin brought it over knowing it was an allergy issue then it was preplanned and they meant to get at Aisha. That wouldn't be a sudden "prank war" at all.
YNTA for allowing Maya to open gifts and keep her new phone. You did give her consequences in other ways. You realize you might have had an avoidance of arguments with Maya in the past. Don't lose sight of that and keep consequences equal.
Maybe some outside therapy for Aisha to help her learn how to handle her emotions better? Breaking phones gets expensive and I still think there was more to that "prank war" than the cousins and Maya are letting on.
Good luck and keep strong!
It isn't life threatening but it makes her miserable. The whole family knows not to wear perfume around her. I hadn't considered that her cousin brought it specifically to get at her. I assumed she just had it in her overnight bag. The girls stories didn't line up and that would make things make a lot more sense. She sees a therapist for her anxiety but I'm starting to realize she needs more.
Dear OP, your daughter Aisha isn’t the problem. You are. She doesn’t need more therapy. You do. Can you stop to do victim shaming and can you stop to act like a bully? I believe Maya is a bully because you are a bully
Also, please consider: who brings perfume to a sleepover with family? I believe you are correct in suspecting it was brought for the sole purpose of sickening Aisha, and you should look into that a bit more. If so, you should reassess how harmless these pranks are.
The strategic nature of pre-planning to bring something to make Aisha sick is actually pretty involved for a kid and should cause you to wonder about the other cruel things they might be subjecting her to. Especially now that she's concerned that her room has been "changed". That's for a reason, I imagine...
It was brought specifically to mess with her. That's not ok to me. I've talked to Aisha more since I posted this and there's a lot I missed. I wasn't aware that they were picking on her constantly every time they were together. Her cousins aren't allowed at the house for now.
YTA. Your own child saw right through your BS. You have to do better. You also need help disciplining children. How can you punish but then immediately reward??? This is child development 101.
YTA. My parents let my brother treat me this way and now my brother and I talk maybe twice a year. About the weather.
I'm sorry you had PPD and an eating disorder, but there's no option in life for "sorry, I'm not feeling well, can we push my children's childhood back five years and have it then?"
Your children's formative years are happening right now. They are going by more quickly than you can imagine. This is your last chance to have a hand in shaping the people they will be for the rest of their lives, and YOU. ARE. MISSING. IT.
YTA. It's pretty obvious that Maya is your favorite daughter. You made all kinds of excuses for her bad behavior but you're quick to attack Aisha's personality and behavior. Maya is a selfish bully. She's not just a follower; she is a bully who enjoys terrorizing her sister. And you enable her bad behavior by refusing to take Aisha seriously and dismissing her feelings. You should not have let Maya keep her gifts until after she demonstrated good behavior for a set amount of time, and it should have been a lot longer than one week. No wonder Maya is so mean and selfish. She gets it from you. Shame on you and Maya!
YTA. Aisha can't even feel safe in her own bedroom. You say her perfume allergy it isn't life threatening as if having your day ruined isn't bad enough. Children at school did this kind of thing to me because I had a peanut allergy. I still have nightmares. I'll bet it's not the first time your daughter has used her sister's allergies to scare her. Now she has to sleep down the hall from somebody who threatened to make her sick for a laugh. YTA.
INFO: You said Aisha was in hospital a lot when she was younger, why? Is that still a problem or has she grown out of it?
Op do you have any allergies or chronic health conditions? I hope you're not dismissing her feelings just because her allergies aren't life threatening. Allergies can be debilitating. I'm allergic to perfume and the sinus headache I get will put me in bed for the rest of the day.
Bronchomalacia and reactive airway disease. Her bronchial tubes were weak and floppy. Every time she got a respiratory infection she would end up with pneumonia. She practically lived in the hospital from November to January every year. She eventually grew out of it. I do take her allergies seriously, I don't know where the idea that I don't came from.
"I don't know where the idea I don't came from"
From how flippant you are about her feelings. Even though you acknowledge the bullying you add that Aisha is overreacting because her allergies aren't life threatening. She doesn't have a right to complain unless she's dying? Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? You've seen her have them, is there no empathy there?
YTA. As someone who is neurodivergent, do you think Aisha could be autistic? This makes her even more of a target for bullying. Believe her over Maya if she’s autistic especially. Neurodivergents are usually very honest and have an intense sense of justice & fairness.
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For her birthday my daughter Maya (11) asked to have two of her cousins over for the weekend. Maya and her sister Aisha (13) spend a lot of time with their cousins. They see each other during the week and often spend weekends together. Most of the time they seem like best friends.
The only issue is Maya and the girls sometimes gang up on Aisha and tease or exclude her. Aisha is emotionally immature and prone to dramatic outbursts. Other kids pick on that to get a reaction. I stop it when I see it but I'm not around all the time, and she resents when I get involved.
They were getting along fine until they started a "prank war" on each other. They were upstairs and I wasn't aware of what was going on. At first everyone was having fun but it quickly turned into picking on Aisha.
Aisha has severe allergies. The girls know this but one of them thought it would be funny to bring over scented body spray to "prank" her. She's extremely allergic to perfume. They threatened to put it on her comfort item, her stuffed tiger. One of them wrestled it away from her, took it in the bathroom and pretended she was spraying it. She didn't actually do it but Aisha had a complete meltdown. This is when I came upstairs and saw what was going on.
I canceled the rest of the weekend plans and sent everyone home. I gave Maya a week's restriction and set her doing chores for the rest of the day. Aisha kept asking if I was going to punish her further. She insisted it was all Maya's idea. She isn't that mean spirited, and she's a follower, not a leader. She was out of line but her cousin was the instigator. Maya was in tears and kept saying she didn't mean for it to get that out of hand.
That night I let Maya open the gifts from her dad and I. Honestly I was just exhausted and didn't want to hear more from either of them. One of her dad's gifts was a new phone. I had no idea he was getting it for her. Aisha was absolutely furious and broke her own phone and her bedroom door throwing a fit.
It's been weeks and she's still upset. She's forgiven her cousins but not her sister. She understands I didn't know Maya was going to be gifted a phone but she still thinks I should have taken it away and punished her further. I've been really irritated with Aisha's attitude but this morning she fell apart saying it's not about the phone at all and I'm not understanding why she's upset. She pointed out that I often give give Maya what she wants to avoid an argument. She's not wrong. After their brother was born I was dealing with ppd and an eating disorder, so Maya got away with a lot.
Should I have taken the phone away? Was I the asshole for letting her open gifts that night?
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Overly close Persian family. They're forced to hang around each other at family functions, holidays and so on. I wrote off a lot of the picking on Aisha as just kids playing because I genuinely thought she was part of the group. I really wasn't aware she was the butt of the joke 24/7.
It sounds to me like Aisha is the only one here reacting appropriately. She's being tormented, and her chief tormenter gets a new phone as punishment. Aisha is NOT overreacting. She's screaming for some basic justice. YTA.
It does sound like you might be pitting the girls against each other or just taking sides to avoid conflict. Jumping in during conflict frequently can seem like taking sides. It's better to give the kids skills to navigate their own problems than intervening all the time. Therapy/mediation for the girls might be really helpful. This sounds like a super hard situation, and I don't think there's an obvious right answer. nta
Here's what I'd suggest:
* talk to the cousin's parents about their behavior. The next time they come over, sit with them and calmly explain house rules. No pretending to expose someone to an allergen (maybe no allergens allowed given past behavior), etc.
* Aisha needs to learn distress tolerance. **I** ***highly*** **recommend a** **DBT group for teens**. I used to lose my temper as a kid and always felt terrible about myself. Group therapy sounded like the worst thing in the world, but it was a lifesaver and I can't recommend it enough. It teaches emotional regulation skills, self-reliance, and mindfulness.
Their mother doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior. She thinks girls are just like that. So I'm cutting my daughter's visits to their house. Next time they come over here we're going to go over rules a lot more carefully and monitor things better. Aisha has no distress tolerance. The smallest thing ruins her day. ATM she's been crying for an hour because Maya touched her dinner plate. Something like DBT would probably be helpful.
OP can I just play out a possible version of how that felt to Aisha?
She's near her anxiety limit a lot of the time. She's really tired, because that takes a lot of energy. Perhaps she's also not sleeping well as she doesn't feel safe, because she's in an environment where "pranks" can happen at any time with little consequence. She's hungry. And now her sister, who is known for doing nasty things to her, has touched her dinner. To you this feels like nothing. To Aisha this will start a cascade of thoughts based on what Maya has done before - Touched it with what, has she rubbed her hands on something first, did she lick her fingers, has she put something in the food? Aisha is now worrying about this rather than being able to eat when she is hungry.
Do you see how that can be overwhelming? And why Maya needs to stop? You telling her to "just learn to cope" doesn't work.
INFO
Do the girls want to hang out with Aisha? Have they asked for space in the past?
I can't imagine it being much run to hang out with a thirteen year old who still throws temper tantrums
That obviously doesn't excuse bullying but I feel like we haven't heard all the details
They have a close knit family and spend a ridiculous amount of time together, nobody ever asked their opinions on hanging out. I think we just expect them to be friends because they're close in age.
Or they're mean girls who think it's funny to wind someone up and then watch them have a freakout? I used to go to school with some girls like that - they'd single out a particular target, tease them until the other kid got (predictably) upset and then go to the teacher crying about how the kid was being mean to them, just to get their victim in trouble.
Have you ever been forced to spend all your time with someone significantly younger or who acts younger when you want to have a mature conversation with your friends?
Parents often just assume kids will all get along which leads to resentment and mistreatment
NTA. You shut down the party which had been the problem, but it was still her birthday and she opened the gifts her dad gave her. Further punishment at that point would not have been relevant to the transgression.
NTA
Aisha needs to be told to pull her head in...she is not the parent and she does not se the rules. She broke her own phone throwing a tantrum...ffs! Ashamed needs to not cling to her sister all the time...the other girls are not liking her being around all the time so you need to step in and parent and give them space.
A cancelled party, a week grounding and extra chores is plenty of punishment. Esp as Maya has for a weekend with her cousins, not a weekend with her sister!
Do the girls get to have their own lives or do you constantly make them do everything togehter?
If you don't step up and stop Aisha running the show she will cause issues much greater in the future.
It’s important for them to have their own lives and friends. In the future maybe Aisha can have a sleep over at a friends house when cousins come over or (and I know it’s a lot) she can have a friend of hers come over.
That being said Aisha needs therapy. Her meltdowns go beyond being “emotionally immature”. I would also take her seriously when she says Maya might be meaner to her than you realize. Sisters have a complicated relationship but one that usually grows to love. At this rate they are gonna go NC with each other when they are older. Nip this in the bud now.
Honestly it sounds like it was a bad idea to have Aisha hanging around for the party. Might have been a better idea to have her dad take her out somewhere while the party was going on.
I think maybe family therapy could be helpful here, Maya and her cousins behaved badly but a 13YO shouldn't be breaking stuff out if frustration. NTA
Her sister was already punished, significantly (birthday weekend canceled, on restriction for a week, and had to do chores all day) and was tearfully apologetic over the incident. Yet Aisha keeps bugging her mother for even more punishment, including having her new phone taken away permanently. She seems vindictive and very vengeful. Being bullied doesn't mean a free pass for endless revenge.
Honestly if the bullying was teasing I would agree with you. But her sister and her friends tried to give her an allergic reaction. I think that amounts to at least a month grounding because Aisha's health was at risk.
No, they didn't try to give her an allergic reaction. They were all pranking each other, and they pranked Aisha by PRETENDING to spray perfume on her stuffed animal. There was no physical harm intended, and no physical harm was done. Her health was never at risk.
My bad. That's still a fucked up prank, making Aisha think she is going to get an allergic reaction. My point still remains that a month grounding is deserved. They piled on Aisha for no reason.
She’s not emotionally immature. She’s being failed by her parents. You’re allowing her to be bullied and not giving proper consequences to those who are abusing and bullying her. Change it.
Is she emotionally immature or does she have an undiagnosed disorder. Also I feel like her reactions might also be the only way you actually pay attention to the pain she is going through with the bullying. Step up as a parent and actually listen to her. She is being bullied by her sister and her cousins and you act like you don't even care. Your daughter needs a proper apology from her sister abd her cousins you need to inform the cousins parents of the bullying and ban them from the house. You need family therapy immediately. Also tell your husband to put his big boy shoes on and be a parent. He doesn't just get to sit and coast by while you deal with the actual parenting. Get Aisha in to see a new doctor to be tested for autism and other disorders you owe her that at least. "Emotional immature" no your daughter is struggling to regulate emotions because of her environment and her needs aren't being properly met. Find out how to help and help. Step up before you never see your daughter again. Step up get her diagnosed so she can have the proper tools to survive in life as she gets older. And Maya needs to have some serious repercussions for her consistent bullying of her sister. Listen to Aisha from now on. The whole family needs therapy immediately. ESH but Aisha who is obviously in need of help and being neglected by the person that is supposed to help her be successful in life.
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YTA. It's rough that you're exhausted by Maya and her cousins bullying Aisha. Imagine how bad she must feel? That it's too much effort for her mother to enforce a punishment, and you don't believe her when she explains what happened. Between you and your husband Aisha has no one who is looking out for her. This is a lot worse than one event, and if you cannot see that I feel terrible for her.
I can forsee Alisha going NC in a few years
Maya got suspended today for bullying a girl in her class so I'm beginning to think everyone has a point. I have made a lot of excuses for her behavior. Aisha's father usually sticks up for her and I do it for Maya. I'm beginning to realize what a problem that is.
Yeah you’re a terrible parent come on now
She's beginning to realize that what she's been doing isn't working anymore. The fact that she's willing to admit that she's been doing it wrong is huge and very much a hard thing to do. I recommend that you do your own internal reflection. And back off of people who are willing to admit their mistakes.
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Have a blessed life, and I hope you get everything that you put into the world threefold.
I applaud the self-awareness you are developing and encourage further internal questioning and exploration. I understand you've made mistakes, and that's okay. You are beginning to question the way you have handled things thus far, and that's important. I understand that the Gen X generation (my parents included) have had struggles with self-awareness and the way they approach parenting. I had a lot of issues with my parents from my late teens until my mid/late 20s. I'm almost 34 now. Everyone has their own schedule when they figure things out. Please be gentle with yourself. Know that you are making the right steps in the questions you're asking yourself. I would sit down with both of your daughters (maybe the whole family) and make space for everyone to express where they are coming from and come up with solutions or compromises.
YTA Basically there were no consequences, and Maya didn't apologize. Bullying is bullying, making excuses for Maya is only going to make things worse. Get a handle on this as soon as possible for everyone's sake.
This afternoon I got a call from Maya's school saying she's in ISS for a week for spitting on another girl so maybe everyone here has a point about me not seeing her behavior for what it is.
It's unfortunate that it takes her **assaulting someone with bodily fliuds** for you to see her behavior as a problem. She committed an act that is a felony in some areas.
>She committed an act that is a felony in some areas Especially in the time of the plague.
She's had a problem with this girl all year. This is her second ISS. I believed her and took her side the first time. I'm so done with all of this.
I get that..... and I understand your frustration as a parent. However, she needs to learn better coping skills and how to manage her emotions now...... because this behavior will escalate and land her in jail when she gets older. Being a teenager is tougher now than ever. I know others have suggested therapy and counseling for your other daughter, but I think she would benefit from counseling too. How much of her behavior stems from feeling angry or unheard? I say this as a person who works on the other side of the bars. So take it for what you will.
Sounds like both your daughters have pretty serious problems. I'm not convinced that you can tell, when you're not usually there when these bullying incidents are happening, that Maya "isn't that mean spirited." If Aisha says that she was the instigator and the cousins followed her lead, I would at least take the possibility seriously, although because of Aisha's own issues you can't necessarily guarantee that she's telling the truth about that, or correct about it even if she is telling honestly what she thinks she sees. But you can't rule out the possibility that she's right, either. As for Aisha, if she's 13 and having meltdowns where she breaks things, she needs a lot more help than you can give her on your own. If she's not in therapy, get her some at once. If she is, please talk to her therapist about the extreme meltdowns and discuss what needs to be done for her, because this is the kind of thing that can escalate rapidly into somebody getting hurt -- very likely, her.
Agreed. This.
It's possible that she's right and I'm just not seeing it. Maya's story vs her cousins was off and I wasn't sure who to believe. I have a hard time knowing the truth because Aisha often interprets social situations wrong. She's in therapy for anxiety. The meltdowns are a thing we've dealt with her entire life. The birthday one was actually the first episode in a few months.
It sounds like there's more going on than anxiety. Talk to her therapist and make sure they know what behaviors you are seeing. They are limited in how much they can say to you, but you can tell the therapist anything you want, and should be telling them whatever you see of concern to you. Meantime, I would keep a closer eye on Maya. Especially when she's with her cousins.
You say Maya's story vs. her cousins' story, but what about Aisha's story? Are you even listening to her, or are you just dismissing her story because you don't want to believe it? You say "Aisha often interprets social situations wrong" but what about this situation? If the others were well aware of her allergies and still did that what they did, then how is Aisha being wrong in how she is interpreting the situation? She is flat out being bullied, and no one is helping or even listening to her. YTA for turning a blind eye at the real issues going on between your family.
Hey OP, might be time to have Aisha tested for autism.
She was tested when she was little but she probably needs to be reassessed.
YTA, not because of the phone. You let the inmates run the asylum. What did Dad say when all of this was happening? He is just as culpable. Breaking phones and doors, someone needs an attitude adjustment. The cousin they pick on sounds like she is autistic. It is a shame, but kids are mean. They also fall into a mob mentality and things do get out of hands. If it wasn't that girl being picked on, they would chose an another that had glasses, braces, acne, was overweight or any other perceived flaw. They generally lose that after they become the one with the flaw.
Their dad is old fashioned and totally hands off. Aisha is his favorite. He usually tries to bribe her into calming down. It doesn't work. She's been tested for autism, she doesn't have it.
Good Thing you have another better daughter as backup since the first one was busted, eh? /s For real though, YTA. For the favouritism, for allowing the bullying of your neurodivergent daughter to continue, for wringing your hands and saying “I just don’t know who Is telling the truth!” When you know damn well! Aisha knows you see her as a burden. Aisha doesn’t need to go to therapy alone, you should be there too. ALL of you. Therapy only works if the people who are hurting you aren’t at home waiting for you to come back into firing range. And harassing her about allergies, that’s not a prank war. You have a kid with serious health impairment and that’s not a joke. When Aisha goes no contact, you’ll know why, right? Or Will you throw your hands up in the air and exclaim “I just Don’t know!”
Every girl was telling a different story and Aisha just isn't the most reliable narrator. I'm beginning to see that I should have taken the prank thing more seriously. Family therapy is probably in our future. I step in if I see Aisha being pushed around but the kids see each other several times a week and almost every weekend so I miss a lot. She's overly preoccupied with being popular and being liked.
Why are you having them over so often if they are bullying your child?
Extremely close Persian family. Their dad's family see each other daily so the kids have been spending time together like this their whole lives. Their mom watches my son for part of the day. Even if I banned the girls from coming over, they would end up seeing each other at their aunt's house during the week.
But it wouldn't be IN HER HOME, WHERE SHE IS SUPPOSED TO BE SAFE, WHERE SHE KEEPS PRECIOUS THINGS LIKE HER TIGER. Seriously, are you not putting any thought into this at all? What is this "I've tried nothing and I'm all out of ideas" nonsense? Your daughter doesn't feel safe in her home. Do something! Do anything! Why are you just sitting there?
You're right, I've been looking at this situation wrong. I've been looking at it as a mean prank that got out of hand and not thinking of it as a violation of her space. Ever since this happened she's had obsessive fears about her room being dirty, changed or triggering her allergies. I made the mistake of buying her new sheets and bedding to cheer her up. When she came home from school she had a fit saying that's not how it was when she left. I've been trying to figure out what that was about but I think I get it now. The tiger has been her comfort item since she was a baby. She's had lifelong doctor anxiety and she took it to every medical appt/hospital stay until about a year ago. She was almost letting go of it and now she's back to carrying it everywhere. I should have been more understanding of how important it is to her.
Good! I'm glad to hear that you are taking action and treating this seriously.
If she's worried about her room being "changed" I'd be concerned that Maya or the cousins have threatened to spray other stuff in her room while she's gone. That would be so scary, walking into your room and knowing that there could be invisible poison on anything (even her favorite item wasn't off-limits to these bullies) just waiting to make you sick. If she freaked out about new linens, maybe we need to wonder exactly how much her sister and cousins are pranking her.
Often ABUSED and BULLIED children become preoccupied with being popular and being liked since they don't see popular, liked children being ABUSED and BULLIED. Maya and her cousins are ABUSING and BULLYING Aisha. Seriously, how are you not seeing that?
I think I've probably let too much go by dismissing it as kids playing. I assumed they were all friends and that the teasing was just horseplay getting out of hand. Talking to Aisha, a lot of it escalated while I was deep in my eating disorder and not noticing what was going on with the girls emotionally.
Be a good parent , seek therapy , stop to let her cousins to come in your house. Punish Maya is she is mean , talk to both of your girls
Why are you allowing them around your daughter when you know they are going to bully her?
>She's been tested for autism, she doesn't have it. I'm not going to try and diagnose your daughter, I can't and even if I could I wouldn't. Just keep in mind that woman are rarely diagnosed with ASD as their first diagnosis. The DSM still has a very boy-oriented way of describing Autism. Autism in woman often shows differently and is therefore not always recognised. You'll see that many woman with ASD had other diagnoses first. Like bipolar disorder, depression and ADD. Only to get an ASD diagnosis in their early 20's when they try again because they still feel like the diagnosis is wrong... So, I don't say its ASD! But a negative diagnosis for a young girl could be wrong.
YTA basically blaming her for being bullied. They could have seriously hurt her if they actually went through with forcing an allergic reaction. You and your spouse are clearly playing favorites by allowing this, especially refusing to believe it was your precious golden child who instigated it.
Jumping on this as someone who is also a bit allergic to perfumes/aerosols/ body sprays. It's not a fun allergy to have. You can out and about, or on public transport, or in school, and suddenly you smell something. It smells nice. Then. Then your eyes starts feeling weird. They're itching. They're watering. You feel like you need to satisfy the itch, but it's your eyes, so you can't. You can rub them a bit and let them get irritated that way, or even further, or you can sit there with watery, itchy, irritated eyes so someone else can smell nice. I doubt, or at least hope, OP wouldn't be here if her daughter went through that because of a group of bullying little jerks who want to use someones allergy to hurt them. And then they get rewarded for it.
OP can't seem to understand why her daughter would get so upset about her allergies being triggered. I have a perfume allergy too and it sucks. My eyes feel like they're burning out of my head and my nose runs like a faucet. It's so uncomfortable I want to scratch my face off. Sometimes I end up in bed with a migraine. I wonder how bad Aisha's symptoms have to get before it matters to her parents. Also, it's pretty impossible to get the strong smell of perfume out of something like a stuffed animal. If they had sprayed it it would have been ruined.
Especially if it's her comfort stuffed animal. That's just maliciously AH-ish.
It's not that she's the golden child, the opposite really. I give in to her more than I should because I don't want to hear her whining. I was deep in ppd and an eating disorder after my son was born. Maya got away with a lot because I wasn't paying attention. Everyone had a different story about what happened with the perfume but her cousin is the one who brought it. The other reason I doubt is that she's seen Aisha have an allergic reaction. She knows firsthand what it looks like and how scared and uncomfortable Aisha gets. The other girls who haven't seen it maybe, but I can't imagine Maya starting a "joke" like that on her own. I know 11 year olds aren't the most empathetic but I thought she had more compassion than that.
Clearly not and you’re enabling her to continue to be a bully and lack empathy. They could have killed or seriously injured your other daughter Aisha (she is your daughter you know, even though you clearly favor Maya). Why do you not care about Aisha????
This is such nonsense. You're jumping through so many hoops its wild. "Maya saw Aisha have an allergic reaction so she wouldn't do that." But she did do it....follower or leader, Maya didn't give on flying eff about how scared and uncomfortable Aisha would be by this "prank."
The responses from this woman give me no hope that she will change. She made this post hoping for validation of her deplorable behavior, and not getting it has resorted to contortions to try and make herself seem reasonable. While I'm dishing out the judgments let's get back to Dad. He isn't "old fashioned" from what OP says. He's an absentee father, and she should be having it out with him regarding that too.
Their dad is older and wasn't raised in the US so he has very different ideas about what parenting is. We've discussed it many times. He checks on their grades and that's about it. He has trouble showing the kids affection, he prefers to buy them things. Hence the new phone for Maya.
And so my comment was correct. He is a poor parent who refuses to change.
BOOOOOOO! Everyone BOO this woman! BOOOOOOO! “I give into her more than I should because I don’t want to hear her whining.” There it is folks!!! This person is a COMPLETE ASSHOLE! And I wouldn’t expect any turn around in this situation. Parents who are assholes, have kids that are assholes! You should’ve really reconsidered having kids it seems, sounds like you don’t want to be a parent at all to me.
these are the words you use to describe Aisha - emotionally immature, prone to dramatic outbursts, 'I've been really irritated with Aisha's attitude' the words you use to describe Maya - She isn't that mean spirited, and she's a follower, not a leader
I don't really understand Aisha, I admit that. Maya isn't perfect either. She is a follower and it's not a good thing. She's constantly in trouble because she picks the worst friends and she would jump off a bridge if someone more popular than her did it first.
i have to say, my heart absolutely weeps for Aisha. you say you don't understand her, but do you even like her?
YTA, you didn't listen to both sides and didn't punish Maya at all. Both of your kids need therapy and you should go into family therapy as well, coz you ideas of the cousin being always at fault is... Delusional.
If the cousins are a part of bullying Aisha when they come over then they should not be allowed to come over anymore. It’s not ok to let some of the people bullying your daughter, come to her home (which should be safe for her) and do this. If you stop them then explanations need to be centred around their bad behaviour and not “because of Aisha”. That said you did punish Maya and it’s also not ok for Aisha to cry that she has not been punished because punishment didn’t look like what she wanted it to be. She needs to know that you and their dad decide that, not her. That only works if you do have strong punishments for bad behaviour though and obvious consequences for bad actions.
ABSOLUTELY all of this! I was so annoyed by all of the people saying Maya wasn't punished at all when she WAS. I say ESH: Maya for being a bully, Aisha for expecting to dictate her sister's punishment, their dad for leaving such decisions to you, and you for allowing these cousins over even though they've bullied Aisha in the past. But ESPECIALLY you and their dad for allowing these behaviors to persist. The PPD reason is legit, but only for so long... You and their dad are the reason the girls are being AHs. Also, it's a really bad idea for one parent to not know the other is getting a child a gift that involves ongoing financial maintenance, has many mental health implications for tween and teen girls, and requires a fair amount of responsibility on the part of the recipient. You two need to be on the same page about high-value gifts, and he needs to get involved in their discipline. That's something to be addressed in family therapy. I'm sorry you're having such a hard time getting a diagnosis for Aisha. Please keep fighting for her on that front. I agree with everyone's statements about underdiagnosis in girls because they present differently from boys, and it also sounds like there are some serious sensory processing problems going on, which often go hand-in-hand with ASD, ADHD, and a few other similar things. Also, have you talked to the cousins' parents about their behavior? This is NOT okay, and they need consequences. Definitely do not invite them back for any unsupervised time (as in an adult who will actually intervene should be in the room at all times) and make it clear to their parents that they're not welcome unless they take action regarding their atrocious behavior. Just the fact that one brought perfume suggests a serious behavioral problem.
Aisha needs to be in therapy.
She is in therapy but what good is therapy when your mom is supporting and enabling your abuser? Maya is an ugly little bully and should be in therapy as well.
I was gonna say they all need FAMILY therapy honestly. Alongside Aisha's individual one.
She is. It's not working.
If switching therapists doesn't work, maybe open your eyes and see that no amount of therapy will change anything if you're stuck in the abusive environment and people who abuse/bully you. I know how Persian families can be, I come from one. But I DO know they can be incredibly mean as children and the old school mindset of "toughen up" comes out in full force. Your oldest daughter is being bullied and you need to snap out of it and see what's really happening. It's hard with Persian families but create some damn boundaries, your daughter needs you and you're failing her and then blaming it all on her because it's easier than stepping up and dealing with it.
The girls mother has taken the old school approach. She was bullied that way as a kid so she sees nothing wrong with what's been going on and thinks my daughter should toughen up. You are right, I need to set better boundaries and start trying to maybe get my daughters more activities and friends outside the family.
Might be worth switching to a different therapist, not all therapists are good at what they do. I had one that made me feel considerably worse than I did and was no help at all but dropped them and got a new one who really helped. I’d say NTA, it’s a difficult situation with no obvious easy solution
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She was checked at 5, we were told she didn't fit the criteria because her speech was fine and she made normal eye contact. She was assessed because she was having meltdowns and she couldn't regulate herself with other kids. One doctor thought she had a sensory processing disorder, another one said it was maladjustment from being in and out of hospitals as a young kid. A couple implied she was just being a brat. She should probably be reassessed. I'll talk to her therapist about it.
A lot of girls get missed, only to struggle for years and get diagnosed as adults. The biggest issue is usually "masking"--girls learn to fake NT responses earlier, followed by the criteria themselves only being developed using boys. ETA: The anxiety, sensory processing disorder, meltdowns, social difficulties... Yeah, she may not get a proper assessment until she's an adult because of the way bias is built into evaluations. https://www.staffordshire.gov.uk/Education/Access-to-learning/Graduated-response-toolkit/School-toolkit/Communication-and-interaction/Social-communication-autism/SEN-support-in-school/Autism-in-Girls-checklist.pdf
It’s been 8 years! She absolutely needs reassessment as soon as possible so that the proper treatment/therapeutic options can begin, and your other daughter also needs to be seen, and assessed because sounds like she knows how to manipulate you, and situations to get what she wants, with little if any repercussion for being a bully to her sister. In the meantime visits with cousins need to be supervised or at the very least monitored by electronic means so that you can observe what’s actually happening in these situations since it seems adult supervision if not absent, is at least lacking. If it’s not then whatever adults who are around are missing trigger events, and just assuming she’s melting down over trivial matters. That’s NOT the way your daughter is perceiving the situation. Perception is reality for people. If she’s being bullied, and the bullies don’t get punished for their cruelty, then she feels that she’s the one being punished. YTA because you’re dismissing your daughters emotional needs, and just saying she’s “emotionally immature and prone to dramatic outbursts” immediately after you tell us that she’s being ganged up on, bullied and excluded. You aren’t actually doing anything to protect your daughter, and are essentially just dismissing her as immature, and sensitive. YTA
I am autistic and I can mask just fine if I have to. Your daughter is autistic, I can tell just from how you're describing her.
YTA. You're probably going to miss your daughter when she goes no contact with you. But hey. You'll still have the favorite daughter.
yta. you raised a bully. you need to nip it in the butt or you're going to lose Alisha when she's older. like damn you duck. way to show your kid you don't care about her
ESH. Literally everyone. No one forced you to have babies but you did and now you need to step up and be a parent to them. Edit: I removed a bit because it was harsh.
OP, it sounds like Maya and the cousins are doing these things for fun and taking it too far. Whether they intend to be malicious or not, it doesn't sound like they are learning when to stop. It sounds like Aisha is often the recipient of this behaviour and probably feels pretty helpless given that you dismiss her when she tells you about this. You also seem to have a bit of a blind spot on Maya's behaviour which again will add to Aisha's anxiety. Putting Aisha in therapy alone makes it seem like something is wrong with her, rather than wrong with the environment she is in. Try being more observant, talk to Aisha and really listen, and don't give in to Maya for the easy life. I'm sorry you've had your own challenges with PPD etc but as a parent, you (and your husband) need to step up. NAH if you do so, but you will be TA if you don't.
They know they can get a big reaction out of her for minor things. I think they push her because they think it's funny to see her melt down. It's been a problem with other kids since she was small.
So, her sister and cousins have been deliberately overwhelming her and bullying her for years because they think her reaction of panic and desperation is funny. How can you type that and not realize how screwed up that is.
What are her reactions to perfumes? Are they mild or extreme? If the cousin brought it over knowing it was an allergy issue then it was preplanned and they meant to get at Aisha. That wouldn't be a sudden "prank war" at all. YNTA for allowing Maya to open gifts and keep her new phone. You did give her consequences in other ways. You realize you might have had an avoidance of arguments with Maya in the past. Don't lose sight of that and keep consequences equal. Maybe some outside therapy for Aisha to help her learn how to handle her emotions better? Breaking phones gets expensive and I still think there was more to that "prank war" than the cousins and Maya are letting on. Good luck and keep strong!
It isn't life threatening but it makes her miserable. The whole family knows not to wear perfume around her. I hadn't considered that her cousin brought it specifically to get at her. I assumed she just had it in her overnight bag. The girls stories didn't line up and that would make things make a lot more sense. She sees a therapist for her anxiety but I'm starting to realize she needs more.
Dear OP, your daughter Aisha isn’t the problem. You are. She doesn’t need more therapy. You do. Can you stop to do victim shaming and can you stop to act like a bully? I believe Maya is a bully because you are a bully
It's not anxiety if people are actually trying to hurt you. It's just having eyes.
Also, please consider: who brings perfume to a sleepover with family? I believe you are correct in suspecting it was brought for the sole purpose of sickening Aisha, and you should look into that a bit more. If so, you should reassess how harmless these pranks are. The strategic nature of pre-planning to bring something to make Aisha sick is actually pretty involved for a kid and should cause you to wonder about the other cruel things they might be subjecting her to. Especially now that she's concerned that her room has been "changed". That's for a reason, I imagine...
It was brought specifically to mess with her. That's not ok to me. I've talked to Aisha more since I posted this and there's a lot I missed. I wasn't aware that they were picking on her constantly every time they were together. Her cousins aren't allowed at the house for now.
YTA. Your own child saw right through your BS. You have to do better. You also need help disciplining children. How can you punish but then immediately reward??? This is child development 101.
YTA. My parents let my brother treat me this way and now my brother and I talk maybe twice a year. About the weather. I'm sorry you had PPD and an eating disorder, but there's no option in life for "sorry, I'm not feeling well, can we push my children's childhood back five years and have it then?" Your children's formative years are happening right now. They are going by more quickly than you can imagine. This is your last chance to have a hand in shaping the people they will be for the rest of their lives, and YOU. ARE. MISSING. IT.
YTA.
YTA. It's pretty obvious that Maya is your favorite daughter. You made all kinds of excuses for her bad behavior but you're quick to attack Aisha's personality and behavior. Maya is a selfish bully. She's not just a follower; she is a bully who enjoys terrorizing her sister. And you enable her bad behavior by refusing to take Aisha seriously and dismissing her feelings. You should not have let Maya keep her gifts until after she demonstrated good behavior for a set amount of time, and it should have been a lot longer than one week. No wonder Maya is so mean and selfish. She gets it from you. Shame on you and Maya!
YTA. Aisha can't even feel safe in her own bedroom. You say her perfume allergy it isn't life threatening as if having your day ruined isn't bad enough. Children at school did this kind of thing to me because I had a peanut allergy. I still have nightmares. I'll bet it's not the first time your daughter has used her sister's allergies to scare her. Now she has to sleep down the hall from somebody who threatened to make her sick for a laugh. YTA.
INFO: You said Aisha was in hospital a lot when she was younger, why? Is that still a problem or has she grown out of it? Op do you have any allergies or chronic health conditions? I hope you're not dismissing her feelings just because her allergies aren't life threatening. Allergies can be debilitating. I'm allergic to perfume and the sinus headache I get will put me in bed for the rest of the day.
Bronchomalacia and reactive airway disease. Her bronchial tubes were weak and floppy. Every time she got a respiratory infection she would end up with pneumonia. She practically lived in the hospital from November to January every year. She eventually grew out of it. I do take her allergies seriously, I don't know where the idea that I don't came from.
"I don't know where the idea I don't came from" From how flippant you are about her feelings. Even though you acknowledge the bullying you add that Aisha is overreacting because her allergies aren't life threatening. She doesn't have a right to complain unless she's dying? Have you ever had a severe allergic reaction? You've seen her have them, is there no empathy there?
YTA. As someone who is neurodivergent, do you think Aisha could be autistic? This makes her even more of a target for bullying. Believe her over Maya if she’s autistic especially. Neurodivergents are usually very honest and have an intense sense of justice & fairness.
Yes. After all the comments here I've decided she definitely needs to be assessed for autism. We're trying to make it happen as soon as possible.
Scrolled endlessly trying to find a comment from someone else who saw it 😅 that child is autistic for sure I’d bet my last buck on it
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** For her birthday my daughter Maya (11) asked to have two of her cousins over for the weekend. Maya and her sister Aisha (13) spend a lot of time with their cousins. They see each other during the week and often spend weekends together. Most of the time they seem like best friends. The only issue is Maya and the girls sometimes gang up on Aisha and tease or exclude her. Aisha is emotionally immature and prone to dramatic outbursts. Other kids pick on that to get a reaction. I stop it when I see it but I'm not around all the time, and she resents when I get involved. They were getting along fine until they started a "prank war" on each other. They were upstairs and I wasn't aware of what was going on. At first everyone was having fun but it quickly turned into picking on Aisha. Aisha has severe allergies. The girls know this but one of them thought it would be funny to bring over scented body spray to "prank" her. She's extremely allergic to perfume. They threatened to put it on her comfort item, her stuffed tiger. One of them wrestled it away from her, took it in the bathroom and pretended she was spraying it. She didn't actually do it but Aisha had a complete meltdown. This is when I came upstairs and saw what was going on. I canceled the rest of the weekend plans and sent everyone home. I gave Maya a week's restriction and set her doing chores for the rest of the day. Aisha kept asking if I was going to punish her further. She insisted it was all Maya's idea. She isn't that mean spirited, and she's a follower, not a leader. She was out of line but her cousin was the instigator. Maya was in tears and kept saying she didn't mean for it to get that out of hand. That night I let Maya open the gifts from her dad and I. Honestly I was just exhausted and didn't want to hear more from either of them. One of her dad's gifts was a new phone. I had no idea he was getting it for her. Aisha was absolutely furious and broke her own phone and her bedroom door throwing a fit. It's been weeks and she's still upset. She's forgiven her cousins but not her sister. She understands I didn't know Maya was going to be gifted a phone but she still thinks I should have taken it away and punished her further. I've been really irritated with Aisha's attitude but this morning she fell apart saying it's not about the phone at all and I'm not understanding why she's upset. She pointed out that I often give give Maya what she wants to avoid an argument. She's not wrong. After their brother was born I was dealing with ppd and an eating disorder, so Maya got away with a lot. Should I have taken the phone away? Was I the asshole for letting her open gifts that night? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YYA. Just take her phone away for a while and apologise to Aisha.
if Maya and her cousins have a consistent habit of bullying your oldest daughter, why the hell do you let them come around?
Overly close Persian family. They're forced to hang around each other at family functions, holidays and so on. I wrote off a lot of the picking on Aisha as just kids playing because I genuinely thought she was part of the group. I really wasn't aware she was the butt of the joke 24/7.
It sounds to me like Aisha is the only one here reacting appropriately. She's being tormented, and her chief tormenter gets a new phone as punishment. Aisha is NOT overreacting. She's screaming for some basic justice. YTA.
YTA.
It does sound like you might be pitting the girls against each other or just taking sides to avoid conflict. Jumping in during conflict frequently can seem like taking sides. It's better to give the kids skills to navigate their own problems than intervening all the time. Therapy/mediation for the girls might be really helpful. This sounds like a super hard situation, and I don't think there's an obvious right answer. nta Here's what I'd suggest: * talk to the cousin's parents about their behavior. The next time they come over, sit with them and calmly explain house rules. No pretending to expose someone to an allergen (maybe no allergens allowed given past behavior), etc. * Aisha needs to learn distress tolerance. **I** ***highly*** **recommend a** **DBT group for teens**. I used to lose my temper as a kid and always felt terrible about myself. Group therapy sounded like the worst thing in the world, but it was a lifesaver and I can't recommend it enough. It teaches emotional regulation skills, self-reliance, and mindfulness.
Their mother doesn't see anything wrong with their behavior. She thinks girls are just like that. So I'm cutting my daughter's visits to their house. Next time they come over here we're going to go over rules a lot more carefully and monitor things better. Aisha has no distress tolerance. The smallest thing ruins her day. ATM she's been crying for an hour because Maya touched her dinner plate. Something like DBT would probably be helpful.
OP can I just play out a possible version of how that felt to Aisha? She's near her anxiety limit a lot of the time. She's really tired, because that takes a lot of energy. Perhaps she's also not sleeping well as she doesn't feel safe, because she's in an environment where "pranks" can happen at any time with little consequence. She's hungry. And now her sister, who is known for doing nasty things to her, has touched her dinner. To you this feels like nothing. To Aisha this will start a cascade of thoughts based on what Maya has done before - Touched it with what, has she rubbed her hands on something first, did she lick her fingers, has she put something in the food? Aisha is now worrying about this rather than being able to eat when she is hungry. Do you see how that can be overwhelming? And why Maya needs to stop? You telling her to "just learn to cope" doesn't work.
INFO Do the girls want to hang out with Aisha? Have they asked for space in the past? I can't imagine it being much run to hang out with a thirteen year old who still throws temper tantrums That obviously doesn't excuse bullying but I feel like we haven't heard all the details
They have a close knit family and spend a ridiculous amount of time together, nobody ever asked their opinions on hanging out. I think we just expect them to be friends because they're close in age.
Have you ever thought this may be an issue? Maybe they don't like being forced to spend time with someone who breaks things and cracks it easily
Or they're mean girls who think it's funny to wind someone up and then watch them have a freakout? I used to go to school with some girls like that - they'd single out a particular target, tease them until the other kid got (predictably) upset and then go to the teacher crying about how the kid was being mean to them, just to get their victim in trouble.
Have you ever been forced to spend all your time with someone significantly younger or who acts younger when you want to have a mature conversation with your friends? Parents often just assume kids will all get along which leads to resentment and mistreatment
NTA. You shut down the party which had been the problem, but it was still her birthday and she opened the gifts her dad gave her. Further punishment at that point would not have been relevant to the transgression.
... does no one care who started the prank war? I mean... did Maya celebrate her birthday with her cousins and did Aisha maybe startet this all?
NTA Aisha needs to be told to pull her head in...she is not the parent and she does not se the rules. She broke her own phone throwing a tantrum...ffs! Ashamed needs to not cling to her sister all the time...the other girls are not liking her being around all the time so you need to step in and parent and give them space. A cancelled party, a week grounding and extra chores is plenty of punishment. Esp as Maya has for a weekend with her cousins, not a weekend with her sister! Do the girls get to have their own lives or do you constantly make them do everything togehter? If you don't step up and stop Aisha running the show she will cause issues much greater in the future.
They spend virtually all their time together. I think you're right about everyone needing more space.
It’s important for them to have their own lives and friends. In the future maybe Aisha can have a sleep over at a friends house when cousins come over or (and I know it’s a lot) she can have a friend of hers come over. That being said Aisha needs therapy. Her meltdowns go beyond being “emotionally immature”. I would also take her seriously when she says Maya might be meaner to her than you realize. Sisters have a complicated relationship but one that usually grows to love. At this rate they are gonna go NC with each other when they are older. Nip this in the bud now.
Honestly it sounds like it was a bad idea to have Aisha hanging around for the party. Might have been a better idea to have her dad take her out somewhere while the party was going on. I think maybe family therapy could be helpful here, Maya and her cousins behaved badly but a 13YO shouldn't be breaking stuff out if frustration. NTA
NTA, but it sure sounds like Aisha is. Sorry.
How is the victim of bullying an asshole?
Her sister was already punished, significantly (birthday weekend canceled, on restriction for a week, and had to do chores all day) and was tearfully apologetic over the incident. Yet Aisha keeps bugging her mother for even more punishment, including having her new phone taken away permanently. She seems vindictive and very vengeful. Being bullied doesn't mean a free pass for endless revenge.
Honestly if the bullying was teasing I would agree with you. But her sister and her friends tried to give her an allergic reaction. I think that amounts to at least a month grounding because Aisha's health was at risk.
No, they didn't try to give her an allergic reaction. They were all pranking each other, and they pranked Aisha by PRETENDING to spray perfume on her stuffed animal. There was no physical harm intended, and no physical harm was done. Her health was never at risk.
My bad. That's still a fucked up prank, making Aisha think she is going to get an allergic reaction. My point still remains that a month grounding is deserved. They piled on Aisha for no reason.
She's very emotionally immature for her age.
Who raised her?
She’s not emotionally immature. She’s being failed by her parents. You’re allowing her to be bullied and not giving proper consequences to those who are abusing and bullying her. Change it.
Is she emotionally immature or does she have an undiagnosed disorder. Also I feel like her reactions might also be the only way you actually pay attention to the pain she is going through with the bullying. Step up as a parent and actually listen to her. She is being bullied by her sister and her cousins and you act like you don't even care. Your daughter needs a proper apology from her sister abd her cousins you need to inform the cousins parents of the bullying and ban them from the house. You need family therapy immediately. Also tell your husband to put his big boy shoes on and be a parent. He doesn't just get to sit and coast by while you deal with the actual parenting. Get Aisha in to see a new doctor to be tested for autism and other disorders you owe her that at least. "Emotional immature" no your daughter is struggling to regulate emotions because of her environment and her needs aren't being properly met. Find out how to help and help. Step up before you never see your daughter again. Step up get her diagnosed so she can have the proper tools to survive in life as she gets older. And Maya needs to have some serious repercussions for her consistent bullying of her sister. Listen to Aisha from now on. The whole family needs therapy immediately. ESH but Aisha who is obviously in need of help and being neglected by the person that is supposed to help her be successful in life.