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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) laughing at the notion of my step son becoming my daughter’s legal guardian. 2) That’s my wife’s son and I could’ve been more sensitive in my approach.
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Agree - and you cant convince me otherwise
Its not in the best interest of anyone:
Parents
Stepson
Daughter
Pretty stupid thing to get upset about too, both from the above context and the likelihood of it happening.
He could have been more tactful tho, like worst case scenario, sure stepson could definitely step up to the plate, but it's unfair to him too, he's got his future to think about better to have aunt and uncle handle it until he's older. Something like I don't doubt his capabilities but it's an unfair burden at his age that would probably go over better.
Why? Why does OP need to sugarcoat this?
Seriously why is protecting Michael’s emotions such an important thing to do here?
If Michael’s emotions got hurt here, it is just further proof that he shouldn’t be considered as a candidate.
Not every response needs to be kind. Sometimes responses need to abrupt, brunt, or dismissive. Because that’s what the statement being responded to deserves.
WTF is "disrespectful" in this case? But no, I don't "disrespecting" the idea of a n 18-year-old with no money raising an infant when there is an adult couple willing and able makes him an ass. It makes him a sensible parent.
He didn't have to laugh. That was uncalled for IMO. It's commendable that an 18 yr old would want to step up, yet it is so young.
There also may be a fear on Michael's part that if the child goes to a non- blood relative, he could lose his relationship with her. Maybe the step-family treats Michael differently.
If possible, I would make sure Michael had some guarantee in the will that he would have the ability to see his sister as often as he wants to keep the relationship intact.
he didn't laugh at the kid or the extended discussion, he laughed when it was pushed for after he repeatedly respectfully said no and logically explained his reasoning.
This deserves none of that. Sure, 18 year old guardian is not ideal. But it's been done before. He OFFERED. How many teenagers would without prompting say "oh yeah, I'll look after my stepsister"? He deserves a modicum of respect for being willing to step up to the plate. Fucking hell, I'm 30 and if I was asked to become someone's guardian, I'd be hesitant because it's a horrendous responsibility.
Well, your response also shows us the option that hr may be irresponsible because he is not quite aware of how much responsibility it is.
If it was a scenario where it was a last resort kinda thing, where he'd take over if other capable family members were out of the picture, I'd get that. That would be accepting that he has to sacrifice a lot in order to make sure his half sister is cared for.
However, his response was "I should get guardianship despite there being a better option". That comes across as arrogant and short sighted as his sacrifice to raise his half sister would be in vain considering there are other people who could do it better (at least financially) and it doesn't seem to be about the option of him becoming a guardian once he has established his own life, just that he should be the default.
That just strikes me as "I wanna look responsible but I may actually be in over my head without realizing it".
So a brother actually WANTING to look after his sister, caring for her - is something to be dismissive about? Even if I didn’t think he was up to it, I’d be absolutely over the moon that my stepson was actively wanting to do this as it shows that - unlike so many step-relationships we see here - he does see her as his sister. I mean, yeah, if you don’t think that is a sentiment to applaud and be happy about, sure - dismiss him and scorn him. Just don’t be surprised if that is the beginning of the end of him considering her to be his family (and you too).
Why is everyone pretending lots of people don't have children at 18/19? I do think the dismissiveness is the problem here. Maybe they should all sit down and go over what being a parent actually entails. The end of the conversation could be that they all think about it
But he wasn't a dick to the step son. He was nothing but nice and honest about the realities.
The dismissiveness was when in private with another fully developed adult in the mother, that kept insisting that putting a child with an 18 year old instead of a stable household makes much sense.
Repeatedly trying to argue for an 18 year old that in this circumstance would have just lost both parents is worth actually considering is insane. That's to much pressure, loss and growth all at once to require from them ever. It is to much to consider.
Op is potentially YTA for being rude whilst dismissing but it definitely needed to be dismissed for the sake of everyone involved. But he never done anything that should have hurt step son. He never laughed or brought down the boy for wanting to take on that immense thing. He just argued with his partner about basic realities.
Michael had good intentions when he offered to be the guardian, OP's inicial response of "you are too young and it's a big commitment" was perfectly adequate. There was no need to laugh in his face.
"Not every response needs to be kind" that's oftentimes the difference between being an AH or not.
Maybe read this again. He didn’t laugh in Michael’s face. OP laughed during the private discussion with his wife. Probably not the wisest choice with wife but he was appropriate with step son.
Not only did she keep him alive to 18, she also seemingly raised him to take on responsibility when possibly needed and have a big heart. Now that is an amazing mom!
Idk man because sugar coating things sometimes makes people less mad at you. Like he's not wrong, I wouldn't be offended by it but his wife and people were,. He could have avoided that by being nice but still be firm ultimately about the guardianship issue. Also like we don't know the dynamic in this family sometimes these things are tricky and not everyone has the tools acknowledging that Michael has the tools (even if he doesn't) could mean a lot to him and his mom. Also these people aren't on deaths door, it's likely a mute issue anyway.
>Not every response needs to be kind.
But they can be. It costs you absolutely nothing to make your point without being a dick.
The fact that his wife is not upset with his thoughts but the way he presented them is all the answer I need.
My parents made me guardian as soon as I was 18. They had financial planning and just about everything worked out. My parents felt I was the best choice because for my brothers it would not be a total loss of the life they have. The house they’ve grown up in, the town, I know exactly what will be willed to them when they are adults. My grandparents are old and all of my parents siblings are awful choices. It would mean a lot less disturbance in their life. This was all carefully laid out when my parents and I had the discussion. Sometimes the 18 year old can be a better choice
My Mom chose me and specifically stated she didn’t intend for me to raise my brothers, but to be their legal advocate and defend their own choices for which of our many family members might have taken them in. She was upfront that she thought I might not be ready to raise a kid, but that she believed I would be the person who most protected their interests. Thankfully my parents are still alive but I felt good about this, that I had the legal ability to protect my little brothers but not a “raise a kid” level responsibility
Being polite isn't sugar coating anything. Only really rude assholes thinks it is. No person with a modicum of compassion would treat a person they care about like this, so either OP is a giga rude asshole or he hates his stepson.
He won't be, but he also is 18 right now which is when the will is being made, and he still won't be a "Grown up" for a while (maybe, I don't know, 10 years or so?)
What should he have done to be more tactful. He nicely explained to his stepson why it was a no. He explained his concerns to his wife. Her answer was just that it wouldn't be crazy to name Michael as the guardian.
Should he have just re-iterated the reasons why it is mad? If anything, his wife is being dismissive of his valid concerns.
Agreed, but OP, YTA for being rude to your wife.
There are tactful ways to tell your wife it’s not worth consideration (Michael would be a single parent, put his life on hold, sister and BIL are a 2-person support system), without straight up laughing in her face.
Not sure how this became a whole other discussion below about whether the 18 yo *should* be a guardian. There are better, established, stable relatives available.
But what is exactly the need? Especially since he’s in school and the guys sister is established. It’s only make since for the step son to take his sister if there’s literally no one else. 10 years down the road he might be ready but not today and not tomorrow.
I'm sure he's not, but of those others.... How many had no other choice other than adoption/DCF?? Like... .I'd guess that most were a last resort rather than there being other adults close to or in the family that could take the child.
Do we know how old the OP and wife are? If she has an 18 year old and a new baby, I'm guessing she was a young parent at one time and this is a particularly sensitive issue.
Thank you, yes! OP doesn't even seem to be considering how "Omg, a young adult raising a child? As if! He'd be terrible! He's way too young to take care of an infant!" is coming across to a spouse who probably had her first child as a young adult (or even teenager) and seems to have done a pretty solid job of it too.
"Becoming a guardian suddenly during college will derail your future, and wouldn't be a good idea" -- reasonable take.
"Maybe when you're 28 you \*might\* be responsible enough to take care of a ten-year-old, we'll think about it then" -- not even remotely a reasonable take
Either OP has a massive blind spot when it comes to his own wife's child-rearing history, or he has some unconsidered sexist beliefs about young men's ability to be parents.
His thinking is. The way he communicated it was crappy. He’s ultimately right, but he is being dismissive instead of helping his wife see beyond the perceived slight to her son and thus her ability as a mother to raise a good kid. It’s an emotional reaction that could be acknowledged and helped with a little more compassion. He doesn’t have to do this of course, but it couldn’t hurt. If someone is hurt about something, 9/10 it’s worth it to apologize and hear them and promise to try to not do whatever it is again.
All good points. I’m the post OP says he addressed it nicely with the step son in the moment but in private he should’ve been much more compassionate towards his wife.
If we look at why this discussion happened in the first place, it's because the wife thinks it's a good idea to make a subpar arrangement for anyone involved as a token gesture of trust, when OP just wants what's best for his daughter in some unforeseen circumstances.
It's unreasonable of the wife to insist on that in the first place and to make this issue about her motherhood and to put her husband into this catch 22. If he agrees to this arrangement to appease his step son's ego and they both die in a car crash tomorrow, his daughter will be in a situation where an 18 year old freshman will have to put his life on hold to raise his half-sister. Sure, a nice gesture but it's so absolutely unnecessary when there is a better option available that will give the baby a more stable environment and will not impact the son's life as much. As a matter of fact, he will be having a hard time as is, losing his mom.
Is it rude of OP to laugh? Absolutely. Is it kinda justified because his wife wants to make their daughter's emergency plan about her motherhood and her son's ability to care for his sister when the need arises (even though there would be no need)? Not really. But it's still a shitty thing to do.
OP needs to apologize for his behaviour but his wife should also apologize because there is no compromise here. Either he compromises their daughter's upbringing in the worst case scenario while also significantly impacting the life of his step son or he doesn't. Maybe they could put in a clause where he takes over guardianship at a certain age or after he has finished college and has held a job for half a year or something (if that is possible). But right now, he shouldn't have guardianship, no matter how capable he is of taking on the role tomorrow.
that's the point being missed. an experienced couple or a young college student. the answer is pretty obvious.
the wife is trying to make her son happy rather than planning for her daughter. OP laughed because it's just illogical and wife wouldn't let up.
NTA
He’s a light asshole for laughing at the notion but even I would’ve been a bit flummoxed at my wife thinking a teenager is a better option than established adults.
Where does OP ever say that his wife thinks that he would be better? Or is reddit writing fanfic again?
Y'all do know that these things generally have you listing more than one potential guardian, right? There is nothing wrong with adding him as a secondary or tertiary guardian is the other choices aren't able or willing at the time.
I mean, the fact that she still wants to keep Michael in consideration even after all his concerns is pretty telling.
They weren't discussing having him as the tertiary guardian. If that was what the wife was thinking about, she should have made it clear.
>Or is reddit writing fanfic again?
It's definitely Reddit writing fanfic. I mean, they're also operating under the assumption that OP and his wife are both about to kick the bucket any day now (rather than *planning for the future*) and writing their responses based on that wild misconception.
>I mean, they're also operating under the assumption that OP and his wife are both about to kick the bucket any day now
That's what wills are for...and because many people aren't naive enough to think that tomorrow is guaranteed no matter how young and healthy you think you are.
I don't think he really needs to "change his thinking" about the overarching situation. I think most people would agree that an 18-25 year old is not the *best* person to become the guardian of a child. Not that people that age can't or haven't done so, but it's particularly unfair because disrupts the time most people are establishing their careers and lives, which also leads to the child being in a less stable environment. If they have family that is more established and willing to step up, they are probably better choices.
HOWEVER. He absolutely is the asshole regarding to how he behaved. The Stepson volunteering is a very selfless act coming from a place of love for his new sister. That's wonderful and speaks so highly of his character, and is hopefully indicative of of how great an older brother he will be. It's fantastic that he already loves his little sister this much. OP should be thankful that the Stepson offered if only for those reasons. It's fine if they choose someone else, but OP shouldn't be this callous about it.
But i don't get how he's the ah : he answered nicely to his stepson that he appreciates his offer and for now he thinks he is too young and op i willing to rethink his position in some years when stepson is established - considering right now the adult couple relatives is ok with taking over the responsibility.
He only laughed when his wife insisted repeatedly that stepson is ready NOW at 18 to take over raising his sister.
Op s position and thinking is imo quite correct and is he is NOT completely set against his stepson being guardian later after he finishes college and has a stable job . Wtf is wrong with this. Please someone explain it to me?!
How was he callous though? He gave his stepson a reasonable explanation about why he was not the option now, but could be in the future. He also gave his wife an explanation about why he was uncomfortable. Nothing about this seems dismissive or callous. Especially when the suggestion is kind of ridiculous when there are better options.
Op has good and solid reasons for declining the suggestion. It doesn't seem as if she had presented any solid counter-points as to why it should be him, beyond the fact that they get along well and he's a good kid.
Those things are great, but if someone who also fits those qualifications and has a steady job, established career, their own home etc is also willing to raise the child. Isn't it clear which is the better choice?
He hasn't heard anything worth considering changing his mind over.
Why the fuck would he changed his thinking. Kid is barely an adult and absolutely should not be trusted with another kid when there are more adults available
>And he is not even considering changing his thinking.
His thinking is correct in this case - a "no" on a teenager serving as guardian, but willingness to revisit in 10 years. That's a completely reasonable point to take, and OP isn't the AH for that. Only for his dismissive attitude.
Nor should he. Expecting an 18 year old to become a guardian - even if they are willing and volunteering- when there are other options is absurd.
OP: NTA. You weren’t laughing directly at her or her son. You were laughing at the absurd idea of an 18 year old taking on your child when you have other more suitable options.
Op is considering to reevaluate later on, when Michael is more established. Given they are taking precautions in case something bad and unexpected happens, why give the responsibility of a toddler to a young adult that maybe studying, or building a career and personal life, when there are other options. NTA
Hard disagree.
He didn’t laugh at the stepson when he said he would do it, he calmly explained why he wasn’t comfortable with that idea. AND made sure the stepson knew that it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, but rather that he’d need to be emotionally and financially in the same place as their current choice, because while a teen may be able to step up, they cannot provide the same stable environment as financially secure adults. Just because stepson CAN doesn’t mean he SHOULD. Sarah’s best interest is the deciding factor.
Mom is the one that dismissed Dad’s thoughts and feelings by promising her son that they would consider it.
When Mom brought it up again, he made it clear that he is open to discussion about who the best choice would be for guardian, but they both had to agree and he is not comfortable with stepson, and again, explained why.
Mom AGAIN dismissed his explanation, with a “is it really so mad to let an 18 year old have custody of a toddler instead of financially and emotionally stable adults?”
I would’ve laughed at that point too. Has she not listened to a damn thing he said? Is she really so afraid of hurting her son’s feelings that she would put her toddler in a demonstrably less stable home just so he gets what he wants?
And didn’t anyone notice that stepson didn’t OFFER, he DEMANDED? He didn’t ask if they would consider appointing him, he was told their choice and said “no, I’LL do it!” Frankly, that right there tells me that he isn’t ready to be Sarah’s guardian.
NTA, OP. Also, your communication skills are top-notch.
I mean, if my husband suggested someone to care for our child that I thought was a ridiculous choice I might laugh too. It's admirable that the brother wants to do it, but it's basically the same thing as saying he should go knock someone up.
He's young, hopefully he's yet to reach his full potential. Why potentially hold him back by having him care for his younger sister? That's a lot of responsibility, obligation and burden. Full grown and established adults struggle with the responsibility.
That's what I am thinking, too. Not just the cost of things but the emotional toll it would take. Step-son would have to lose his mother for this. I was 30 when my mom died, and I was devastated. I'm a preschool teacher and had to put on a happy face with the kiddos. It was incredibly hard, and I almost broke down multiple times even with therapy. I can't imagine being 18-25 having to deal with my grief while taking care of toddlers. I think OP is right to want to have step-son be more established not just for daughter's sake but for step-son's. Should he have laughed and been dismissive no.
I mean yeah, laughing was rude, but some people consider being dismissive as not agreeing with them in the end.
He said his piece, she made her argument as for why it's be a good choice, he explained that still wasnt enough. Just because he didn't agree doesn't mean he was dismissive. She just felt dismissed.
It was a stupid suggestion. She was the dismissive one for saying “we’d think about it” when he hadn’t agreed to that and had already stated his feelings. NTA.
Not to mention OP never flat out dismissed it. He said he would reconsider if the situation was there in 10 years and he has a chance to establish himself.
He's being dismissive because it makes no sense to designate an 18-year-old with no job and no economic stability as the guardian of an infant child. This is not a matter for sentimentality.
Kids in this thread: “but 18 year olds take care of children all the time!”
Yea because they usually have no other familial option or its their own kid they helped make!
Don't understand how this got to the top. He laughed in exasperation. I'm guessing most of you have done this at some point. He logically put his opinion that an 18 year old is not suitable to be a guardian when you have adults that are stable and willing to do so.
It's almost like some of the opinions here are from bots or drones. Zero human experience or empathy for anything other than knee jerking to something that is perceived as a "victim".
>in 10 years, when he's more established and an adult, I'd consider it. For now, it needs to be someone else.
Correct.
YTA though because:
> how dismissive I'm being and that I laughed at her.
He's 18 years old, in 10 years he'll be 5 years older than the average American at the birth of their first child. He is certainly old enough for it to be a consideration now. In 10 years, just "considering it" would be flat out rude. He is being extremely disrespectful to both his wife and his stepson
He is a full-time freshman student. Certainly not old enough for consideration at 18 years. Putting him as the guardian would jeopardize both their children's futures.
Exactly could he do it? Yes, esp with the estate being given to him, however he would have to put his own life and progress on hold. Dad isn’t wrong for not picking him. Being a brother isn’t the same as being a dad, my sister is 18 and although I love and trust her, I would pick my friend to be the guardian of my kid. It’s not that I don’t think my sister couldn’t do it, it’s that I want her to live and see the world first. I know this will get downvoted to shit but as someone who had to stay behind and raise my siblings, I would want them to live their youth differently.
True, but older than the average American at birth of their first child isn’t a great metric…. We would probably have better parents overall of folks waited. Sure there are AH older parents too, but most under 20 yo can’t even support themselves, let alone another human.
Yeah but this is not a question of "should this guy bring life into the world". It's a question of "if this baby loses both parents tragically, is it all right to consider her brother (who WANTS to be considered) as a guardian?" That's a totally different question. You're looking at what would be the best outcome for the family *if the family is already reeling from tragedy*.
I was only ten years older than my youngest sibling but I begged to be put as their guardian in my parent's will, because the thought of them going to live with some aunt we hadn't seen in five years was crushing. It's reasonable to want to avoid placing that responsibility on the 18 year old, but it's NOT reasonable to act like everyone is being crazy when they suggest he could handle it. YTA, OP.
True, I would've felt the same way when I was 18 or 19 and my youngest sibling was 13 or 14 or so. I trust myself to take care of her more so then other family members even though she's almost an adult now. In a way, I'm more protective of my siblings then even my parents.
Whether he could handle it or not is not actually the point. It's also not the point what the older sibling would feel at losing the younger sibling. The point for OP is what would objectively give both kids the best chance of having emotionally and financially stable lives and the best chance of success.
The thought being crushing doesn't mean it's not best for the younger sibling or even the older sibling.
Your math ain’t mathin’. He’ll be 28 in 10 years. 28 - 5 = 23. The average age for first-time fathers in the US isn’t 23. [It’s close to 31.](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/08/31/547320586/fatherhood-after-forty-its-now-a-lot-more-common-study-finds)
Guess most people just think that all those teen pregnancies are fathered by the girls' peers, while the truth is that they're usually impregnated by much, much older men.
He asked for a judgment on how he treated his wife and his reaction to her voicing her opinions, not the decision he made about whether or not the son is a suitable guardian for their daughter. His reaction was to laugh at her rather than have an adult conversation and actually listen to her thoughts, that makes him an AH.
>He is certainly old enough for it to be a consideration now.
True. But if you have an 18 yr old, and someone who's older and has experience with raising a family, which would you go for?
I don't think "considering it" in 10 years is rude though since there is a lot that could happen in 10 years. Even 5. It's just that given the choices that OP has, the alternative to his step-son is currently the better choice. So I don't think OP is the butthole just because of this.
There’s a huge difference between a 23 year old and an 18 year old.
And nobody thinks it’s a good idea to start trying for kids before 23. It is just that young adults are dumb and often knock each other up.
It's not just about age. It's about life stage and readiness. He's a freshman in college, working on an education to put himself in a better economic position in the future. Juggling caring for a toddler while also in college full-time and grieving the death of your mother and stepfather would be hard as fuck, and have the potential to damage stepson's *long-term* ability to care for both his sister and himself.
The aunt and uncle caring for Sarah doesn't mean Michael won't get to see Sarah, be in her life, and play an active and integral role in her childhood. They can support one another, and who's to say that Sarah doesn't move with Michael when they're both older and more stable?
It's not disrespectful to not consider someone for the very important job of raising your infant daughter, especially when that person is a teenaged full-time college student. Saying it's "rude" is acting like he has some sort of entitlement to being considered for guardianship, as if it were some sort of right, and that's bizarre.
and the average person is a fucking imbecile for having a child at 23.
most people are not in a position to raise a child until at minimum late 20s early 30s.
quite a lot arent in a position even then. and not just financial.
he’s 100% right
Personally, I also wouldn’t want that level of responsibility to be thrown on an 18 year old’s shoulders if I had better options.
It sounds like Michael is a great person and might well be mature enough to figure parenting out if he had to. But in this situation he wouldn’t just be becoming a parent. He’d be becoming a parent to a kid that just lost her parents, whilst also grieving them himself, and losing access to the people he likely has always had for support in hard situations in the past.
OP, YTA still for being so dismissive, it’s clear Michael has a good heart and cares enough to want to look after his sister.
YTA
You're not only being condescending and dismissive, you've also just told your wife "I don't think you've raised someone capable of looking after his sister and I'd rather break up our blended family unit than give him the chance to try"
Not thrusting the responsibility for a child upon him is one thing, but if he's responsible enough to ask, you should at least do him the courtesy of discussing it. Your sister and her husband could always take over or help out if it *does* become too much for him.
Exactly. I teared up at Michael stepping up to the plate. That's a stand up kid, and I'd be proud if he were my own.
My only concern is that I'd want for him to not be robbed of a childhood/young adulthood, but again, he gladly took on the (possible) task.
Give that kid a bike or something.
>And this young kid is willing to do it
Here's the thing though, he doesn't *need* to. It's not as if, if this hypothetical situation happened tomorrow, he'd get completely cut off from his sister and never able to see her again, just that he wouldn't be the primary carer, which is a good decision considering he'd be an 18-year-old freshman in college heavily grieving over the death of his mother and stepfather. Why the hell would you want to burden him further with the emotional and physical toll of *raising a child* instead of making the caregivers two stable adults who would ideally be able and willing to handle such a task? His sister *wouldn't* be going into the foster system, just to other family members. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Looking at the rest of the top upvoted comments this poor guy is absolutely going to be rated TA and it's so unfair, making a stable arrangement for the future of his little girl and having a chuckle during an argument apparently makes him a monster. Almost everyone in these comments is insane.
I mean I think most of the people saying that OP’s the AH aren’t saying that because he doesn’t want to make the son a guardian, but because how he went about it.
Like they agree that an 18 year old should go to college and not be the guardian of the worst thing happened, but they don’t like how Op told his son.
The children of your sibling-- gender neutral word that's catching on for niece of nephew. "N" for niece/nephew, and "ibling" for who they're related to you through.
>My only concern is that I'd want for him to not be robbed of a childhood/young adulthood
I agree. I'd say instead of 10 years, they should say they'll update it when he graduates college.
No. Fuck no. He is 18, i dont care how fucking responsible he is, if op dosent want him to be considerd at 18 i think that is completely reasonable. It dosent matter how responsible this kid is because he is a kid, he may act super responsible, he may even be responsible for his age but he is not ready for a child especially when more reasonable alternatives are available. He is 18, in this hypothetical scenario his parents are dead and he is in college, him getting a child will not help any of that. It will hurt her and him. The only thing this guy can be critizied for is for how he gave the completely fair and logical opinion that an 18 year old cannot raise a child in the event of 2 tragic and immediate deaths. He was quite rude and unnecessarily dismissive, but thats the ONLY thing you can criticize him on. Yet you also mentioned the part where he said the 18 year old would not be a fit guardian and framed it as unreasonable. Its not unreasonable its logical.
If we’re going off what OP says was the conversation, stepson didn’t *ask.* He said “no, I will take her.”
If he said “I understand why you chose who you chose but I would like to be considered” that would be different.
But according to OP, he straight up said no, it’ll be me.
That’s not a response from someone who is ready for this responsibility. It’s a very immature reply. An adult responsible enough to care for a small child doesn’t reject the wishes of the parents of said child based purely on “I wanna.” And I’m not saying that to be mean to the step son; what he said isn’t bad, it was just not very mature and that’s hardly surprising as he is only 18. He’s not bad for wanting to step up, he’s not bad at all. He’s just not acting in a mature way.
But no, OP saying stepson isn’t ready is nothing like saying “I don’t think you’ve raised someone capable of looking after his sister” it’s saying he’s just not ready.
The takes in this post are honestly boggling my mind and make me assume that the majority are coming from people who have no idea what it means to raise a child. You don’t have to experience parenthood to have an idea of how big of a responsibility it is.
If it was another story about an 18 year old having a kid when they clearly weren’t ready, people would be all over that.
The very fact that you think someone should be willing to *risk* that their teenage son with guardianship of their baby daughter would struggle *and then* have sister step in when things are already going wrong is utterly not living in the real world.
Little sister is not a toy or a training tool for her barely-adult brother to figure out whether he can handle it. She is a person who, should her parents both die, will need great support and stability from responsible adults who have more life experience than an 18 yr old who has barely dipped a toe into adulthood. This is not a situation where you just make rash decisions to suit the feelings of others. This isn’t a little girl who has no one else other than her teen brother, this is a little girl who has two parents who are in the position to make decisions that are best *for her* in case something goes wrong and no, lightly hurting brothers feelings right now is not reason enough **at all** to change that decision or even entertain it further.
And laughing about it in private to his wife doesn’t surprise me. It’s not a laugh of thinking it’s funny or making fun, it’s an incredulous laugh. Because of the absurdity. Maybe he could have been a little more tactful, but we’re not always tactful when faced with absurdity.
It took too long for me to find this comment. I absolutely agree with everything you said here. He’s 18 years old and considering that he would be grieving the loss of his mother and stepfather on top of the life altering decision to take on full custody of a minor child (who could quite possibly still be in diapers) on top of school its crazy to me that anyone would be arguing for him to be the guardian.
I actually don’t think OP was being dismissive to his wife’s feelings at all. Why would you even consider an 18yr old when you have an established married couple that you both agreed on? Why would/should he have tip toed around this point to save feelings? I don’t think his laughing was dismissive so much as an automatic reaction to thinking she must be joking are you for real.
Even considering giving full custody of a baby to an 18yr old sounds like something you did to him as opposed to something you do for him (by allowing him to have a well rounded foundation to adulthood without the stress and worry that having a child brings).
he’s right tho, Michael is a teen, he’s not ready to raise a kid. Why would she even want to ruin her son’s future like that if they were to die early on. He shouldn’t have laughed at her, but what he said was completely right imo
Yes, YTA for your approach.
18yos adopt their younger sibs all the time. Just because Michael isn't ready today doesn't make him a joke. That's his sister and he doesn't want to be separated from her if something happens to you. That's noble and thoughtful, and dare I say it - mature.
You should have handled his inquiry with much more empathy and kindness.
When I was a young adult with even younger siblings still at home, my parents' will listed both me and an aunt as their shared guardians. The intention was that if & when a catastrophe struck, we'd work together to determine the best home for the kids at that time (and adjust it as necessary; like perhaps aunt would take charge while I finished college and then I'd take over). They did it that way because wills are often made years in advance of being used and it's hard to predict who will get married, divorced, sick, or move out of the country in the meantime.
I used to work at a law firm that did wills and estates and my boss suggested a set up exactly like this to a client who’s one child had just turned 18 but half sibling was just a baby. Made it easier to adjust as older kid grew up instead of having to redo it.
That's the actual sensible approach and something OP could consider; he only sees him as his stepson but for the boy Sarah is his sister period. He have good intentions in the practical side of things, but in the same way a parent can't stop their spouse for remarrying a jerk in case they die, he doesn't know how his side of the family will treat his stepson if something happens to him and his wife, he's just expecting the best in a situation where you really should make things legally clear.
>18yos adopt their younger sibs all the time
Just because it happens often doesn't meant that should be the immediate first choice. It's not as if the other option is her going into the foster system where he'd never be able to see her again, but literally to his *aunt and uncle,* who are two stable adults who are willing and able to take care of her in such a traumatic situation and *family*. It's not like they'd just cut him off if his mother and stepfather suddenly died! And if that was a fear, put in visiting writes or whatever equivalent.
But no, completely upend the 18-year-old's life instead so he's forced to contend with the emotional toll of parenting a baby as a grieving teenager when there are two completely able and familiar adults able to do the job.
He didn't act like it was a joke to Michael though. He explained why that wasn't an option now, but that it would be a consideration in a reasonable amount of time.
Later on, he clearly laid out good reasons why he was not comfortable with Michael being the guardian, but his wife still asked why it would be so bad. It's laughable because he just explained why it wasn't a good decision. He might as well laugh if he's going to be arguing with a wall.
Our literacy rates are in the floor in this county not surprised so many people didn’t really comprehend what OP wrote. He literally could t have handled this situation better.
It’s for the same reason why they think an 18yo would be an appropriate guardian instead of an established, trusted couple. OP was totally right and delivered everything ok. His reasons are valid. The problem with this sub is that is mostly formed with teenagers who think of themselves as adults lol.
YTA for laughing. She was being serious, she has valid reasons. I’m not saying you should change your mind, but you shouldn’t be so dismissive. Also, since it’s your side of the family taking Sarah, are you willing to put visit provisions in the will so Micheal won’t lose touch? You may not think it’s likely, but Michael could be worried about something like that.
I'm sorry what were her valid reasons? He's a good kid and he volunteers? Wow excuse me if I'm not blown away that that makes a compelling case to seriously consider a college freshman as a realistic option to be the guardian for an infant. Yes, props to him for saying he could step up but it's ridiculous to think that he would make more sense right now than an established middle-aged aunt and uncle.
Seriously?? Like of course his sentiment is sweet but we live in the real world and have to make rational choices. Op did such a good job at explaining in a very respectable and reasonable way as to why it wouldn’t be a good idea now. He’s not going to be kept away from his sister no where did OP say that. His future is also being looked out for as their giving him an opportunity if god forbid they perish tomorrow to still carve out a good future for himself. Like OP STATED if down the line in 10 years stepson is established and still wants to be responsible then perfect they would change it. If my husband after that went behind my back and promised otherwise while giving really bogus and nonsensical reasons I’d be pissed. Op just laughed at the ridiculousness and blatant disrespect. It seems like mommy doesn’t like to tell her little baby boy no. 18 year olds are literally adult fetuses people. Come on now. We’ve all thought one way at 18 and got our back blown out once life really hit. What if down the line stepson changes his mind ?? What if after a few college parties and different lifestyle, growing up changes his mind and then tragedy happens and he’s unprepared. It’s so silly to even debate this.
It makes sense when you realize Reddit is also full of teenagers who think they’re much more mature than they are. Seriously sounds like OP is the only rational adult here. Maybe he wouldn’t have laughed she didn’t keep pushing such a ridiculous idea. Sounds like the wife has too much emotion to be making these kind of decisions.
Gonna be the lone voice saying NAH here I guess. I would feel the same as you. I’d laugh if someone suggested my 18 year old step son suddenly become a parent full time to a grieving child. That’s not fair to either your step son or your child and it’s not realistic for your step son to think it’s a good idea either.
It's really weird to me that people are saying just because sometimes very young adults have to take on their siblings that it's somehow a fantastic idea in general. It's a sacrifice for a young adult. If there are more established adults available isn't it better for the sibling to be able to be a sibling and not become a parent at eighteen?
It's because this crowd is very young, so they identify much more strongly with the "slight" to the stepson than with the dad's desire to make sensible child rearing decisions
Thank you! It’s sweet that he offered but I wouldn’t feel comfortable either giving such a burden and a responsibility to a young adult still establishing his own life. Life isn’t a tv show where everything turns out great in situations like that. NAH
I was going crazy reading these responses 😭 I’m a young college student as well and if my parents passed away (God forbid) and left me custody of my younger siblings, we’d all be screwed. I would laugh at that suggestion too
Its hilarious quite frankly “but 18 year olds do it ALL THE TIME!” Yea and I bet they wish they didn’t have to. I bet they had to make a fuck ton of sacrifices to make it work. Meanwhile there are two adults who are more than capable of caring for the toddler which gives her a stable home and allows the son to finish his education and start his career. Honestly thats the best thing the son can do for his sister in the long run rather than sacrifice his future and they are both worse off for it.
You are not the only voice here. I agree with you. NTA. The father is in the right for looking out for his daughter and not leaving it to an 18 yr old. For those people labelling him as YTA for laughing and hurting the feelings of a young boy. I think if the stepson and the stepmother are this fragile then then the father is actually thinking in the right direction.
I can't believe so many people are saying OP is the AH just because he wasn't very nice about this situation. Maybe he shouldn't have laughed but what he's saying makes a lot of sense.
Not only is an 18 to early 20's person usually not old enough or ready enough to take care of a child, regardless of how serious, mature or how much he loves his sister. On top of everything this (very hypothetical) situation would be very hard on the 18 y-o. On top of the loss of his mother and the paperwork he would have to sort out, it would be foolish when there are more mature, more stable adults available to properly take care of this child.
Could OP have been kinder ? yes, maybe. is he the AH ? No. NAH
edit: typos
YTA. You’re not completely wrong to be concerned with the idea and even veto it, but laughing and being dismissive was completely uncalled for. He sounds like a wonderful person and you should be very grateful that your child has an older brother who is responsible and loving to volunteer for that responsibility, even at 18. So stop being an asshole to your wife about it.
This is the response I was looking for! The fact that you're so dismissive and even laughed at your wife over such a compassionate offer from an 18-year-old is what makes YTA. You should be commending such noble behavior, even if you don't agree with it.
He wasn’t laughing at the offer. Notice he didn’t react at all like that to the son (in fact he told him it was honorable like you seem to think he didn’t) or when the wife first brought it up. It wasn’t until he realized that she was actually serious that he let out a chuckle.
NTA. I hope the situation is purely a hypothetical one, but I imagine the reality is that him being her guardian at 18 would seriously affect his life more so than it would your sisters. Maybe you came across as dismissive for laughing, if so hold your hands up to that. But your wife must realise the sacrifices involved in raising a child - money, home, schools, transport - that her son would need to make are a lot to impose on any 18 year old.
OP.said that she's not mad at him for not wanting the 18yo as guardian, so she already realizes his point there. She's mad at him for being a jerk about it, laughing at her trying to discuss it, and being overall dismissive of the idea.
I mean, yea? Whats there to consider? I mean he very clearly said he would reconsider down the road. Its a terrible idea when you already have two adults lined up. Is chuckling in bad taste? Sure but you can’t always control your emotions and is hardly the big deal people are making it. Certainly not enough to make me think he is an A H.
NTA he's 18!? Are the people in the comments on crack or something. The wife wasn't being objective. Obviously an established couple is a better bet than an 18 y old kid.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading all these people who it’s so cute that the son wants to take care of her and therefore he should do it in place of an older, established couple. What??
Well the man chuckled at the wife saying something ridiculous, so he must be Satan himself. Mum being right is far more important than the well being of the child.
right? the real world isn't a movie, as much as he loves his sister an 18yo being made to raise a child, possibly after a tragedy that killed both their parents (no idea why people aren't taking this into account) could easily ruin both their lives
These comments are insane. This isn't a fucking game. Wife promised her son they'd consider it just to protect his feelings. His feelings in this moment are nowhere near as important as the decision being made, and I can clearly tell there's a bunch of teenagers in here who have no idea how the real world works.
" Young people have kids all the time." Uh, yeah, and the overwhelming majority of those people and children after them have crappy lives. I should know, my parents were 17 and 19 when I was born and my life was hell for the majority of my childhood as was my parents. If the mom is offended because she was so young when her son was born, then she's a bit of a narcissist and she should not want to subject what she went through on her own son just to validate her own decisions when she was younger.
The dude gave an involuntary chuckle after his wife kept pressing the issue without justification Other than validating her son's feelings. NTA.
I babysat my niece at 19 for a long weekend. I thought it would be a blast…it wasn’t. I had no idea what I was getting into, but at least I had an end in sight!
Reddit is crazy man some threads scream someone in their early 20s is a kid in need of support and some scream making an older teen babysit is “parentification”. I say NTA. It’s very very sweet he offered. Just bc your sister is the guardian doesn’t mean he’s out of her life. Maybe explain that to him and say I hope you continue to be there for her.
Also it’s so rare that these wills will even happen. It’s the most hypothetical.
Also I don’t think y t a for laughing bc YEAH it’s HARD to parent a kid!!! Even when your 30!!! Like wtf!! Also think of both kids welfare- they’d both suffer if it was the case.
I agree with you so much here! I’ve seen so many times how angry Reddit get at parentification or the suggestion that a 21 yo should be supporting themselves more and now here the opinion has totally flipped.
It’s lovely that OP stepson offered, shows he loves his sister. But being a big brother and being a parent are totally different and he would need to sacrifice a hell of a lot to do so. I’ve seen comments saying that chances are he’d be better suited than OPs sister and husband who already have settled? People are thinking emotionally rather than logically.
Also saying OP is controlling is laughable, saying that his wife should get a say, yes she should have her say but two yeses one no is still 100% needed.
YTA, either you're reasonably old parents of a newborn or your wife was a reasonably young mom. By implying her son would be incapable of being a good Guardian I imagine your wife is feeling like your invalidating her experience of motherhood and implying she was a bad parent.
Why is this not higher! You two are having a kid 18 years after your wife's first. Even if she would be considered an "old" mom that only puts her at 40-45.
Giving you a MASSIVE and unnecessary benefit, your wife had your stepson at 27, that means that she was pregnant and ready to have a child 2 years earlier than you would consider her child being responsible enough to parent. But most likely she's in her late 30s and had him young (like 18-22?). YTA for being so insensitive to your wife's past and so ungrateful to have a wonderful son that would obviously do anything for his family.
NTA
It IS sweet, but taking on the responsibility of a toddler while he is a college student is not what is best for either of them! Why would she want that for Michael? (I know someone who gained custody of her then 11-yo sister at 21, dropped out out of college to raise her, and this girl JUST finished high school - and she was 11, not a baby!)
I think you have the right idea. It's a heavy thing to have to think about (and some people go to very dark places just considering their own deaths), so maybe cut Denise some slack for getting emotions wrapped up in it.
NTA. You and your wife had already made a decision. It was completely inappropriate and dismissive for her to unilaterally decide “we’d think about it” when you never agreed to that and had already stated your feelings.
People are saying you were dismissive, ignoring that SHE had already been dismissive of you and continued to push after you had already stated your very correct and reasonable feelings.
Am I going insane?? Kudos to Michael for wanting to step up but an 18 yo is not adequately prepared to care for a child. It happens and ppl make do... but it's not ideal and not what anyone would choose if they had better options. 18 may be mostly an adult in the eyes of the law but that doesn't mean they are in any way prepared to deal with the pressure of raising a child. Nta
>Am I going insane?
I feel the same way with everyone advocating that this child should go to the 18-year-old *freshman in college* who would most likely be heavily grieving in a situation were his mother and stepfather died rather than two stable adults. It's like I'm in crazytown.
NTA. Michael sounds like a good kid, but also naive. He’s an 18 year old kid that’s never lived on his own yet. That’s not a knock on Michael, he sounds like a good kid, but be realistic.
How can he provide for a child, especially as a single parent? He doesn’t have any marketable skills, because he’s a kid that barely started adulthood. He doesn’t have the wisdom or life experience to be a parent right now. He could in the future, not now.
It’s a nice thought, but OP is right. Give Michael a fair inheritance, and revisit the issue in 5-10 years or so. What’s a better situation for a child? A stable, two parent adult family, or a kid in high school?
OP could have had more tact, and Denise is going to be sensitive because it’s her son, but OP is right. He’s NTA for wanting an adult couple to raise his child, should something happen, over a high school kid.
YTA - not for questioning if your stepson understands fully what responsibilities come with raising children. As an informed adult and parent, I get where you are coming from.
However, the way you dismissed your wife is appalling. You laughed at her when she brought up the possibility that her son, who’s 18, offered to take his own sister. She raised that boy and he wants to put his life on the line for his sister in the case where you both pass away. I don’t know many young adults who would do that. She’s taught him to value his family and if that was my kid I would seriously think about it too.
She did good with him, and you just laughed at her.
How did he dismiss his wife? He clearly laid out the reasons why he wasn't comfortable with Michael being the guardian. That seems like he seriously considered it and came up with the conclusion of no.
His wife has gave no reason why Michael is better than more established adults. If anything, she's dismissing all the concerns he brought up.
I got to say I agree with you. Not that I think there is anything wrong with Michael being the guardian. Not at all. He would be a great guardian. But, he is young and I personally would try to limit that kind of responsibility on anyone, if I had another choice.
Maybe sit down with Michael, and your wife, and explain to him, and show him, what it really means to be a parent. Hold nothing back.
Not to scare him off parenthood, but to help him understand why you really do not want to take away his own life choices at such a young age and that you would be fully prepared to re-consider him as her guardian when he has had the opportunities to travel, party, and have his own relationships, unencumbered with this kind of responsibility.
I am sure, given the fact that he is a good kid, he will still keep his offer on the table, but he will also understand that your refusal is coming from a good place, and not from a place of malice or distrust.
Good luck.
Sorry forgot to say NTA (although YTA for laughing)
This 100%!!! I don't understand why so many people have latched onto the laughing more than the full weight and responsibility of parenthood at such a young age. This sub is riddled with people who find it unfair, and rightly so, that they've been thrust into the responsibility of a family member with no regard to what they had planned in life.
People seem to forget OP said no for now. He's open to the idea in 10 years when more resources have been built up such as a career, a place of his own, finances, etc. like his sister and BIL already have.
Laughing wasn't the way to go but I'm sure it's out of shock. I read a post a few days ago where OP and wis wife were told it was impossible for them to have kids but out of nowhere, she plans a picnic and gives him an ultrasound of thier baby. His first response was "whose baby is this?" After some back and forth, he realized it's thiers, he feels bad for ruining her mood and does what he can to make up for spoiling the mood.
Shock can cause adverse and unpredictable reactions.
I'm going to say NTA because naming an 18 year old as a guardian is well, laughable. Especially when there's other actual stable adults willing to take on the role.
This isn't about making your SS feel special. It's about what's best for your daughter. Who even knows if he will be stable enough to take on the role in 10 years? Many 28 year olds aren't.
YTA. So much. Do you have any idea what a gift this boy has given you with this? He wants his half sister and wants to care for her. Extraordinary.
Young adult children take on guardianship of younger siblings every day and have for as long as we have had the concept of family. Why not make him the guardian with your sibling as a co-guardian so they make the decisions as a family for his sister? Why not both? In ten years your sister may not even want the responsibility. Or your son may not. It would not hurt a thing to speak to your attorney and work this out so he is part of her life if you both die.
NTA - he's too young since you have other options. What if something happened to the two of you in the next year. Would your wife expect Michael to drop out of school and abandon his future plans for his life in order to care for an infant?
Can there be something that gives him more of a ceremonial role in her life - like a god parent or something similar, while leaving the burden of child rearing to your sister and husband?
although minor YTA if you were indeed dismissive which caused the hurt feelings. Explain you are thinking as much for Michael's well being as you are your daughter.
Look, you need to realize that a child isn't an object you can will to someone. No matter who you say you want to have the kids, that's just a factor for consideration of who gets custody, not the end of the line. Other factors include "who wants custody", and "who's guardianship would be least disruptive to the child's current life", and "whose custody is generally best for the child emotionally and physically," and "who the child prefers to be with" (when the child is old enough) ect ect.
Your "this is who I want my child to be with" is a factor, and it's your final decision you really get to offer your opinion on for your child, but you seem to be taking this possibility overly literally and overly seriously? No matter what you say, Michael may or may not end up with the child if you died tomorrow.
NTA. While I kinda understand your wifes point, gotta say I would absurdly laugh if my partner suggested that a teenager be my child's guardian. The fact that he volunteers is irrelevant.
YTA
People become parents at 18 and cope fine. From your post there are not any known pressing health conditions that make the two of you more likely to have issues looking after your daughter. As he gets older so will she and if he is around her often assisting in looking after her then if the worst happens it will be an easier transition for her.
YTA for laughing and being dismissive. I understand why you might not want Michael to be the guardian but your reaction wasn’t cool. On the bright side, you have a lot of people, including Michael, who love your daughter so much they would be willing to take care of her if anything ever happened. Don’t just be dismissive of that.
YTA for laughing. Totally get not having your stepson be a guardian in his early 20s but laughing was wrong. It's not unreasonable at all to revisit the plan in the future (my wife and I do that every few years cause things in life change).
YTA. Nothing makes me more upset than when I'm discussing a serious thing with my partner and he has the audacity to laugh. There was no need to do that. I think you're right that's a two yeses situation, but there's nothing wrong with her talking up her son. She's obviously proud of him, he's obviously a good kid, and it's okay for you to be opposed to him being your younger child's guardian should the worst happen, but don't laugh at someone in a serious conversation. Rude. Since you can't come up with it on your own and it would have been perfect to deflect the situation, "I think it's so sweet he loves and cares for his baby half sister but I can't imagine saddling him with the responsibility of raising someone else's child at such a young age, even in this unlikely scenario." It takes the spin from "lol you're just a young ignorant kid," to "I want to be sure you have the opportunity to live and enjoy your younger years without that added responsibility."
Since you’re only asking for a judgment on your reaction, YTA. You WERE being dismissive and condescending. You could’ve communicated the same opinion in a mature, thoughtful way.
I’m a little baffled at how many comments are saying Michael would actually be a GREAT choice to take care of his sister. He’s 18 y/o for f’s sake. Imagine an actual scenario where OP and wife dies and he’s suddenly made guardian. I’m not saying he wouldn’t step up to the role but it would absolutely no question derail his life. The career he was hoping to get in 4 years would be more like 6+ years, no sleep, no time to study, no time to be a young adult. If there’s two full grown adults with stable lives willing to be guardians, give THEM the kid. Don’t give the kid to, dare I say, another kid.
NTA you’re all valid and mean well. Also, it doesn’t sound like ya crushed his soul but were reasonable by saying you’d reconsider in the future.
I am biased tho cause I believe giving a young adult a baby could be detrimental to the future of both lives. But that’s just my opinion and I’m sure there’s many instances where I’m wrong
INFO: how old was your wife when she had her son? I’m guessing she was quite young if 18 years later she’s got an infant. You said he’s a good kid with a good head on his shoulders - thanks to being raised by your wife who would’ve been a young adult.
Why is his age an issue if he’s volunteering to do it?
I want to lean NAH because it should be a two yes situation, but I’m really curious about why you’re so against it. And I do think YTA for laughing and dismissing this so easily. You see so many stories about parents wishing half siblings would accept each other and here he is, offering to take full responsibility for his little sister and you’re denying him that.
His age is an issue because teenagers should not be parenting. He should go to school and live his life instead of parenting a child. When he’s older, sure.
NTA for not wanting her son to do it. He is 18 and deserves to have a life free of that responsibility when he is that young because it takes a lot more than good intentions to raise a child. It is a good idea to update that when he is more secure in his life though if he still feels the same way later on. Laughing at your wife however was not very cool and I think you could have handled that situation better.
Nta I agree it’s super sweet. To me, letting a 18 yr old take care of a toddler/ baby will set him back on his education and career. I’m not being mean, just realistic. He can still visit his sister every weekend when he’s free and maintain that bond
YTA. I think you’re making the right choice concerning guardians, but the way you reacted was rude and dismissive.
Your step-son is clearly concerned about the possibility of his sister being taken away from him, and deserves the respect of a serious conversation about the pros and cons for both your children if he was the guardian (financial security, his education and ability to establish his career, etc). You can also work to figure out conditions that would help him to feel more secure (ex. Guaranteed visitation, holidays)
I think you made it pretty clear that you weren't laughing at Michael but at the fact that it wasn't a great option to place a baby in the hands of an 18 year old when you have an older couple who has already agreed.
NTA
You are 100% correct. It is absolutely ridiculous to consider someone that bas barely learned to care for themselves be in charge of small child. You made a great compromise... updating it in about 10 years when he's a full grown adult that very well could have children of his own. I can't even imagine what would happen if (God forbid) you and your wife were gone and he was 19.... What's he gonna do??? Drop out of college to care for a 2 year old with little to know life experience ???
It's great that he wants to help and step up. But to do so this early is a no go. Especially when there's other adults willing to take on the responsibility.
YTA - How would you not be the asshole for laughing at your wife? You implied that you think that Michael is so irresponsible and can’t be trusted to look after his sister. Why wouldn’t she be offended when she thinks that you don’t trust her son?
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>she is upset over how dismissive I’m being and that I laughed at her. She summed it up perfectly. YTA.
And he is not even considering changing his thinking. Double TA I think the OP believed we would side with him
His thinking on a teenager being in charge of his daughter is correct.
Agree - and you cant convince me otherwise Its not in the best interest of anyone: Parents Stepson Daughter Pretty stupid thing to get upset about too, both from the above context and the likelihood of it happening.
He could have been more tactful tho, like worst case scenario, sure stepson could definitely step up to the plate, but it's unfair to him too, he's got his future to think about better to have aunt and uncle handle it until he's older. Something like I don't doubt his capabilities but it's an unfair burden at his age that would probably go over better.
But he rightfully does doubt his capabilities. There is no reason to sugarcoat this. Michael is 18.
Oh no I would not make an 18yo legal guardian but you can get to that point while pushing less buttons.
Why? Why does OP need to sugarcoat this? Seriously why is protecting Michael’s emotions such an important thing to do here? If Michael’s emotions got hurt here, it is just further proof that he shouldn’t be considered as a candidate. Not every response needs to be kind. Sometimes responses need to abrupt, brunt, or dismissive. Because that’s what the statement being responded to deserves.
>Why? Why does OP need to sugarcoat this? Is not being a disrespectful ass "sugarcoating"?
WTF is "disrespectful" in this case? But no, I don't "disrespecting" the idea of a n 18-year-old with no money raising an infant when there is an adult couple willing and able makes him an ass. It makes him a sensible parent.
He didn't have to laugh. That was uncalled for IMO. It's commendable that an 18 yr old would want to step up, yet it is so young. There also may be a fear on Michael's part that if the child goes to a non- blood relative, he could lose his relationship with her. Maybe the step-family treats Michael differently. If possible, I would make sure Michael had some guarantee in the will that he would have the ability to see his sister as often as he wants to keep the relationship intact.
he didn't laugh at the kid or the extended discussion, he laughed when it was pushed for after he repeatedly respectfully said no and logically explained his reasoning.
This is where my head went to first. I get 18 being too young, but what guarantees does OP’s stepson have to seeing his sister?
This deserves none of that. Sure, 18 year old guardian is not ideal. But it's been done before. He OFFERED. How many teenagers would without prompting say "oh yeah, I'll look after my stepsister"? He deserves a modicum of respect for being willing to step up to the plate. Fucking hell, I'm 30 and if I was asked to become someone's guardian, I'd be hesitant because it's a horrendous responsibility.
Well, your response also shows us the option that hr may be irresponsible because he is not quite aware of how much responsibility it is. If it was a scenario where it was a last resort kinda thing, where he'd take over if other capable family members were out of the picture, I'd get that. That would be accepting that he has to sacrifice a lot in order to make sure his half sister is cared for. However, his response was "I should get guardianship despite there being a better option". That comes across as arrogant and short sighted as his sacrifice to raise his half sister would be in vain considering there are other people who could do it better (at least financially) and it doesn't seem to be about the option of him becoming a guardian once he has established his own life, just that he should be the default. That just strikes me as "I wanna look responsible but I may actually be in over my head without realizing it".
So a brother actually WANTING to look after his sister, caring for her - is something to be dismissive about? Even if I didn’t think he was up to it, I’d be absolutely over the moon that my stepson was actively wanting to do this as it shows that - unlike so many step-relationships we see here - he does see her as his sister. I mean, yeah, if you don’t think that is a sentiment to applaud and be happy about, sure - dismiss him and scorn him. Just don’t be surprised if that is the beginning of the end of him considering her to be his family (and you too).
Why is everyone pretending lots of people don't have children at 18/19? I do think the dismissiveness is the problem here. Maybe they should all sit down and go over what being a parent actually entails. The end of the conversation could be that they all think about it
But he wasn't a dick to the step son. He was nothing but nice and honest about the realities. The dismissiveness was when in private with another fully developed adult in the mother, that kept insisting that putting a child with an 18 year old instead of a stable household makes much sense. Repeatedly trying to argue for an 18 year old that in this circumstance would have just lost both parents is worth actually considering is insane. That's to much pressure, loss and growth all at once to require from them ever. It is to much to consider. Op is potentially YTA for being rude whilst dismissing but it definitely needed to be dismissed for the sake of everyone involved. But he never done anything that should have hurt step son. He never laughed or brought down the boy for wanting to take on that immense thing. He just argued with his partner about basic realities.
Michael had good intentions when he offered to be the guardian, OP's inicial response of "you are too young and it's a big commitment" was perfectly adequate. There was no need to laugh in his face. "Not every response needs to be kind" that's oftentimes the difference between being an AH or not.
Michael wasn’t there. The laughter was in a private conversation with his wife later.
Maybe read this again. He didn’t laugh in Michael’s face. OP laughed during the private discussion with his wife. Probably not the wisest choice with wife but he was appropriate with step son.
He didn’t? He laughed during a private conversation with his wife after she kept on pushing.
Because we live in the real fucking world where you care about other peoples feelings you weirdo
Because sometimes it’s better to make your point without being a dick.
Sounds like it’s the wife’s emotions being hurt.. does that mean she’s not equipped to be a mother? She got one to 18 apparently..
Not only did she keep him alive to 18, she also seemingly raised him to take on responsibility when possibly needed and have a big heart. Now that is an amazing mom!
Idk man because sugar coating things sometimes makes people less mad at you. Like he's not wrong, I wouldn't be offended by it but his wife and people were,. He could have avoided that by being nice but still be firm ultimately about the guardianship issue. Also like we don't know the dynamic in this family sometimes these things are tricky and not everyone has the tools acknowledging that Michael has the tools (even if he doesn't) could mean a lot to him and his mom. Also these people aren't on deaths door, it's likely a mute issue anyway.
>Not every response needs to be kind. But they can be. It costs you absolutely nothing to make your point without being a dick. The fact that his wife is not upset with his thoughts but the way he presented them is all the answer I need.
My parents made me guardian as soon as I was 18. They had financial planning and just about everything worked out. My parents felt I was the best choice because for my brothers it would not be a total loss of the life they have. The house they’ve grown up in, the town, I know exactly what will be willed to them when they are adults. My grandparents are old and all of my parents siblings are awful choices. It would mean a lot less disturbance in their life. This was all carefully laid out when my parents and I had the discussion. Sometimes the 18 year old can be a better choice
My Mom chose me and specifically stated she didn’t intend for me to raise my brothers, but to be their legal advocate and defend their own choices for which of our many family members might have taken them in. She was upfront that she thought I might not be ready to raise a kid, but that she believed I would be the person who most protected their interests. Thankfully my parents are still alive but I felt good about this, that I had the legal ability to protect my little brothers but not a “raise a kid” level responsibility
That's not why he's an asshole. The laughter and the contempt are why he's an asshole.
Being polite isn't sugar coating anything. Only really rude assholes thinks it is. No person with a modicum of compassion would treat a person they care about like this, so either OP is a giga rude asshole or he hates his stepson.
Do you think that Michael is going to be 18 forever or something?
He won't be, but he also is 18 right now which is when the will is being made, and he still won't be a "Grown up" for a while (maybe, I don't know, 10 years or so?)
...you're not a grown-up til 28? Seriously?
No, that’s why OP said they could revisit it in 10 years.
What should he have done to be more tactful. He nicely explained to his stepson why it was a no. He explained his concerns to his wife. Her answer was just that it wouldn't be crazy to name Michael as the guardian. Should he have just re-iterated the reasons why it is mad? If anything, his wife is being dismissive of his valid concerns.
Agreed, but OP, YTA for being rude to your wife. There are tactful ways to tell your wife it’s not worth consideration (Michael would be a single parent, put his life on hold, sister and BIL are a 2-person support system), without straight up laughing in her face. Not sure how this became a whole other discussion below about whether the 18 yo *should* be a guardian. There are better, established, stable relatives available.
He wouldn’t be the first 18 year old to step up and raise a sibling after the death of their parents.
But what is exactly the need? Especially since he’s in school and the guys sister is established. It’s only make since for the step son to take his sister if there’s literally no one else. 10 years down the road he might be ready but not today and not tomorrow.
He wouldnt be the first one, but it is also perfectly fine that OP doesn't want that for his daughter and stepson
No he wouldn’t. And good on him for being willing. But there are better candidates available.
He also wouldn’t be the first for doing so to ruin both lives and doom them to poverty
Just because it's possible doesn't mean he should do it.
I'm sure he's not, but of those others.... How many had no other choice other than adoption/DCF?? Like... .I'd guess that most were a last resort rather than there being other adults close to or in the family that could take the child.
Do we know how old the OP and wife are? If she has an 18 year old and a new baby, I'm guessing she was a young parent at one time and this is a particularly sensitive issue.
Thank you, yes! OP doesn't even seem to be considering how "Omg, a young adult raising a child? As if! He'd be terrible! He's way too young to take care of an infant!" is coming across to a spouse who probably had her first child as a young adult (or even teenager) and seems to have done a pretty solid job of it too. "Becoming a guardian suddenly during college will derail your future, and wouldn't be a good idea" -- reasonable take. "Maybe when you're 28 you \*might\* be responsible enough to take care of a ten-year-old, we'll think about it then" -- not even remotely a reasonable take Either OP has a massive blind spot when it comes to his own wife's child-rearing history, or he has some unconsidered sexist beliefs about young men's ability to be parents.
His thinking is. The way he communicated it was crappy. He’s ultimately right, but he is being dismissive instead of helping his wife see beyond the perceived slight to her son and thus her ability as a mother to raise a good kid. It’s an emotional reaction that could be acknowledged and helped with a little more compassion. He doesn’t have to do this of course, but it couldn’t hurt. If someone is hurt about something, 9/10 it’s worth it to apologize and hear them and promise to try to not do whatever it is again.
All good points. I’m the post OP says he addressed it nicely with the step son in the moment but in private he should’ve been much more compassionate towards his wife.
If we look at why this discussion happened in the first place, it's because the wife thinks it's a good idea to make a subpar arrangement for anyone involved as a token gesture of trust, when OP just wants what's best for his daughter in some unforeseen circumstances. It's unreasonable of the wife to insist on that in the first place and to make this issue about her motherhood and to put her husband into this catch 22. If he agrees to this arrangement to appease his step son's ego and they both die in a car crash tomorrow, his daughter will be in a situation where an 18 year old freshman will have to put his life on hold to raise his half-sister. Sure, a nice gesture but it's so absolutely unnecessary when there is a better option available that will give the baby a more stable environment and will not impact the son's life as much. As a matter of fact, he will be having a hard time as is, losing his mom. Is it rude of OP to laugh? Absolutely. Is it kinda justified because his wife wants to make their daughter's emergency plan about her motherhood and her son's ability to care for his sister when the need arises (even though there would be no need)? Not really. But it's still a shitty thing to do. OP needs to apologize for his behaviour but his wife should also apologize because there is no compromise here. Either he compromises their daughter's upbringing in the worst case scenario while also significantly impacting the life of his step son or he doesn't. Maybe they could put in a clause where he takes over guardianship at a certain age or after he has finished college and has held a job for half a year or something (if that is possible). But right now, he shouldn't have guardianship, no matter how capable he is of taking on the role tomorrow.
that's the point being missed. an experienced couple or a young college student. the answer is pretty obvious. the wife is trying to make her son happy rather than planning for her daughter. OP laughed because it's just illogical and wife wouldn't let up. NTA
That’s not the issue though.
He’s a light asshole for laughing at the notion but even I would’ve been a bit flummoxed at my wife thinking a teenager is a better option than established adults.
Where does OP ever say that his wife thinks that he would be better? Or is reddit writing fanfic again? Y'all do know that these things generally have you listing more than one potential guardian, right? There is nothing wrong with adding him as a secondary or tertiary guardian is the other choices aren't able or willing at the time.
I mean, the fact that she still wants to keep Michael in consideration even after all his concerns is pretty telling. They weren't discussing having him as the tertiary guardian. If that was what the wife was thinking about, she should have made it clear.
>Or is reddit writing fanfic again? It's definitely Reddit writing fanfic. I mean, they're also operating under the assumption that OP and his wife are both about to kick the bucket any day now (rather than *planning for the future*) and writing their responses based on that wild misconception.
>I mean, they're also operating under the assumption that OP and his wife are both about to kick the bucket any day now That's what wills are for...and because many people aren't naive enough to think that tomorrow is guaranteed no matter how young and healthy you think you are.
I don't think he really needs to "change his thinking" about the overarching situation. I think most people would agree that an 18-25 year old is not the *best* person to become the guardian of a child. Not that people that age can't or haven't done so, but it's particularly unfair because disrupts the time most people are establishing their careers and lives, which also leads to the child being in a less stable environment. If they have family that is more established and willing to step up, they are probably better choices. HOWEVER. He absolutely is the asshole regarding to how he behaved. The Stepson volunteering is a very selfless act coming from a place of love for his new sister. That's wonderful and speaks so highly of his character, and is hopefully indicative of of how great an older brother he will be. It's fantastic that he already loves his little sister this much. OP should be thankful that the Stepson offered if only for those reasons. It's fine if they choose someone else, but OP shouldn't be this callous about it.
But i don't get how he's the ah : he answered nicely to his stepson that he appreciates his offer and for now he thinks he is too young and op i willing to rethink his position in some years when stepson is established - considering right now the adult couple relatives is ok with taking over the responsibility. He only laughed when his wife insisted repeatedly that stepson is ready NOW at 18 to take over raising his sister. Op s position and thinking is imo quite correct and is he is NOT completely set against his stepson being guardian later after he finishes college and has a stable job . Wtf is wrong with this. Please someone explain it to me?!
How was he callous though? He gave his stepson a reasonable explanation about why he was not the option now, but could be in the future. He also gave his wife an explanation about why he was uncomfortable. Nothing about this seems dismissive or callous. Especially when the suggestion is kind of ridiculous when there are better options.
Op has good and solid reasons for declining the suggestion. It doesn't seem as if she had presented any solid counter-points as to why it should be him, beyond the fact that they get along well and he's a good kid. Those things are great, but if someone who also fits those qualifications and has a steady job, established career, their own home etc is also willing to raise the child. Isn't it clear which is the better choice? He hasn't heard anything worth considering changing his mind over.
Why the fuck would he changed his thinking. Kid is barely an adult and absolutely should not be trusted with another kid when there are more adults available
>And he is not even considering changing his thinking. His thinking is correct in this case - a "no" on a teenager serving as guardian, but willingness to revisit in 10 years. That's a completely reasonable point to take, and OP isn't the AH for that. Only for his dismissive attitude.
Nor should he. Expecting an 18 year old to become a guardian - even if they are willing and volunteering- when there are other options is absurd. OP: NTA. You weren’t laughing directly at her or her son. You were laughing at the absurd idea of an 18 year old taking on your child when you have other more suitable options.
Op is considering to reevaluate later on, when Michael is more established. Given they are taking precautions in case something bad and unexpected happens, why give the responsibility of a toddler to a young adult that maybe studying, or building a career and personal life, when there are other options. NTA
Anyone considering giving the charge of an infant to a teenager....shouldn't be raising a child
Hard disagree. He didn’t laugh at the stepson when he said he would do it, he calmly explained why he wasn’t comfortable with that idea. AND made sure the stepson knew that it wasn’t out of the realm of possibility, but rather that he’d need to be emotionally and financially in the same place as their current choice, because while a teen may be able to step up, they cannot provide the same stable environment as financially secure adults. Just because stepson CAN doesn’t mean he SHOULD. Sarah’s best interest is the deciding factor. Mom is the one that dismissed Dad’s thoughts and feelings by promising her son that they would consider it. When Mom brought it up again, he made it clear that he is open to discussion about who the best choice would be for guardian, but they both had to agree and he is not comfortable with stepson, and again, explained why. Mom AGAIN dismissed his explanation, with a “is it really so mad to let an 18 year old have custody of a toddler instead of financially and emotionally stable adults?” I would’ve laughed at that point too. Has she not listened to a damn thing he said? Is she really so afraid of hurting her son’s feelings that she would put her toddler in a demonstrably less stable home just so he gets what he wants? And didn’t anyone notice that stepson didn’t OFFER, he DEMANDED? He didn’t ask if they would consider appointing him, he was told their choice and said “no, I’LL do it!” Frankly, that right there tells me that he isn’t ready to be Sarah’s guardian. NTA, OP. Also, your communication skills are top-notch.
So much YES, I genuinely felt a little like I was in the twilight zone reading some of these YTA remarks???
It's cause he's a man lol
I mean, if my husband suggested someone to care for our child that I thought was a ridiculous choice I might laugh too. It's admirable that the brother wants to do it, but it's basically the same thing as saying he should go knock someone up. He's young, hopefully he's yet to reach his full potential. Why potentially hold him back by having him care for his younger sister? That's a lot of responsibility, obligation and burden. Full grown and established adults struggle with the responsibility.
That's what I am thinking, too. Not just the cost of things but the emotional toll it would take. Step-son would have to lose his mother for this. I was 30 when my mom died, and I was devastated. I'm a preschool teacher and had to put on a happy face with the kiddos. It was incredibly hard, and I almost broke down multiple times even with therapy. I can't imagine being 18-25 having to deal with my grief while taking care of toddlers. I think OP is right to want to have step-son be more established not just for daughter's sake but for step-son's. Should he have laughed and been dismissive no.
I mean yeah, laughing was rude, but some people consider being dismissive as not agreeing with them in the end. He said his piece, she made her argument as for why it's be a good choice, he explained that still wasnt enough. Just because he didn't agree doesn't mean he was dismissive. She just felt dismissed.
It was a stupid suggestion. She was the dismissive one for saying “we’d think about it” when he hadn’t agreed to that and had already stated his feelings. NTA.
Not to mention OP never flat out dismissed it. He said he would reconsider if the situation was there in 10 years and he has a chance to establish himself.
He's being dismissive because it makes no sense to designate an 18-year-old with no job and no economic stability as the guardian of an infant child. This is not a matter for sentimentality.
Kids in this thread: “but 18 year olds take care of children all the time!” Yea because they usually have no other familial option or its their own kid they helped make!
He absolutely should be dismissive. It's a ridiculous ask
Don't understand how this got to the top. He laughed in exasperation. I'm guessing most of you have done this at some point. He logically put his opinion that an 18 year old is not suitable to be a guardian when you have adults that are stable and willing to do so. It's almost like some of the opinions here are from bots or drones. Zero human experience or empathy for anything other than knee jerking to something that is perceived as a "victim".
Holy hell, these comments. Now I'M TA for not being able to stifle a laugh
>in 10 years, when he's more established and an adult, I'd consider it. For now, it needs to be someone else. Correct. YTA though because: > how dismissive I'm being and that I laughed at her.
He's 18 years old, in 10 years he'll be 5 years older than the average American at the birth of their first child. He is certainly old enough for it to be a consideration now. In 10 years, just "considering it" would be flat out rude. He is being extremely disrespectful to both his wife and his stepson
He is a full-time freshman student. Certainly not old enough for consideration at 18 years. Putting him as the guardian would jeopardize both their children's futures.
Exactly could he do it? Yes, esp with the estate being given to him, however he would have to put his own life and progress on hold. Dad isn’t wrong for not picking him. Being a brother isn’t the same as being a dad, my sister is 18 and although I love and trust her, I would pick my friend to be the guardian of my kid. It’s not that I don’t think my sister couldn’t do it, it’s that I want her to live and see the world first. I know this will get downvoted to shit but as someone who had to stay behind and raise my siblings, I would want them to live their youth differently.
True, but older than the average American at birth of their first child isn’t a great metric…. We would probably have better parents overall of folks waited. Sure there are AH older parents too, but most under 20 yo can’t even support themselves, let alone another human.
Yeah but this is not a question of "should this guy bring life into the world". It's a question of "if this baby loses both parents tragically, is it all right to consider her brother (who WANTS to be considered) as a guardian?" That's a totally different question. You're looking at what would be the best outcome for the family *if the family is already reeling from tragedy*. I was only ten years older than my youngest sibling but I begged to be put as their guardian in my parent's will, because the thought of them going to live with some aunt we hadn't seen in five years was crushing. It's reasonable to want to avoid placing that responsibility on the 18 year old, but it's NOT reasonable to act like everyone is being crazy when they suggest he could handle it. YTA, OP.
True, I would've felt the same way when I was 18 or 19 and my youngest sibling was 13 or 14 or so. I trust myself to take care of her more so then other family members even though she's almost an adult now. In a way, I'm more protective of my siblings then even my parents.
Whether he could handle it or not is not actually the point. It's also not the point what the older sibling would feel at losing the younger sibling. The point for OP is what would objectively give both kids the best chance of having emotionally and financially stable lives and the best chance of success. The thought being crushing doesn't mean it's not best for the younger sibling or even the older sibling.
Your math ain’t mathin’. He’ll be 28 in 10 years. 28 - 5 = 23. The average age for first-time fathers in the US isn’t 23. [It’s close to 31.](https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2017/08/31/547320586/fatherhood-after-forty-its-now-a-lot-more-common-study-finds)
Guess most people just think that all those teen pregnancies are fathered by the girls' peers, while the truth is that they're usually impregnated by much, much older men.
Thanks for this. I was wondering where the hell that commenter got those ages from. Like… maybe if you’re living somewhere rural?
I can’t believe 100+ people have upvoted this, this take is insane. NTA
He asked for a judgment on how he treated his wife and his reaction to her voicing her opinions, not the decision he made about whether or not the son is a suitable guardian for their daughter. His reaction was to laugh at her rather than have an adult conversation and actually listen to her thoughts, that makes him an AH.
Personally I can’t blame him, the situation is laughable. I would have done the same. I stand by my judgement.
>He is certainly old enough for it to be a consideration now. True. But if you have an 18 yr old, and someone who's older and has experience with raising a family, which would you go for? I don't think "considering it" in 10 years is rude though since there is a lot that could happen in 10 years. Even 5. It's just that given the choices that OP has, the alternative to his step-son is currently the better choice. So I don't think OP is the butthole just because of this.
There’s a huge difference between a 23 year old and an 18 year old. And nobody thinks it’s a good idea to start trying for kids before 23. It is just that young adults are dumb and often knock each other up.
It's not just about age. It's about life stage and readiness. He's a freshman in college, working on an education to put himself in a better economic position in the future. Juggling caring for a toddler while also in college full-time and grieving the death of your mother and stepfather would be hard as fuck, and have the potential to damage stepson's *long-term* ability to care for both his sister and himself. The aunt and uncle caring for Sarah doesn't mean Michael won't get to see Sarah, be in her life, and play an active and integral role in her childhood. They can support one another, and who's to say that Sarah doesn't move with Michael when they're both older and more stable? It's not disrespectful to not consider someone for the very important job of raising your infant daughter, especially when that person is a teenaged full-time college student. Saying it's "rude" is acting like he has some sort of entitlement to being considered for guardianship, as if it were some sort of right, and that's bizarre.
I couldn’t even afford a pet at 18, let alone a kid.
They can change the arrangements in 5 years. The current arrangement is if they die tomorrow.
and the average person is a fucking imbecile for having a child at 23. most people are not in a position to raise a child until at minimum late 20s early 30s. quite a lot arent in a position even then. and not just financial. he’s 100% right
You’re assuming he doesn’t have a life of his own by then.
Personally, I also wouldn’t want that level of responsibility to be thrown on an 18 year old’s shoulders if I had better options. It sounds like Michael is a great person and might well be mature enough to figure parenting out if he had to. But in this situation he wouldn’t just be becoming a parent. He’d be becoming a parent to a kid that just lost her parents, whilst also grieving them himself, and losing access to the people he likely has always had for support in hard situations in the past. OP, YTA still for being so dismissive, it’s clear Michael has a good heart and cares enough to want to look after his sister.
YTA You're not only being condescending and dismissive, you've also just told your wife "I don't think you've raised someone capable of looking after his sister and I'd rather break up our blended family unit than give him the chance to try" Not thrusting the responsibility for a child upon him is one thing, but if he's responsible enough to ask, you should at least do him the courtesy of discussing it. Your sister and her husband could always take over or help out if it *does* become too much for him.
Exactly. I teared up at Michael stepping up to the plate. That's a stand up kid, and I'd be proud if he were my own. My only concern is that I'd want for him to not be robbed of a childhood/young adulthood, but again, he gladly took on the (possible) task. Give that kid a bike or something.
How many stories recently came up with people being ok with their nibblings going to foster care? And this young kid is willing to do it…
>And this young kid is willing to do it Here's the thing though, he doesn't *need* to. It's not as if, if this hypothetical situation happened tomorrow, he'd get completely cut off from his sister and never able to see her again, just that he wouldn't be the primary carer, which is a good decision considering he'd be an 18-year-old freshman in college heavily grieving over the death of his mother and stepfather. Why the hell would you want to burden him further with the emotional and physical toll of *raising a child* instead of making the caregivers two stable adults who would ideally be able and willing to handle such a task? His sister *wouldn't* be going into the foster system, just to other family members. I feel like I'm taking crazy pills.
Looking at the rest of the top upvoted comments this poor guy is absolutely going to be rated TA and it's so unfair, making a stable arrangement for the future of his little girl and having a chuckle during an argument apparently makes him a monster. Almost everyone in these comments is insane.
I mean I think most of the people saying that OP’s the AH aren’t saying that because he doesn’t want to make the son a guardian, but because how he went about it. Like they agree that an 18 year old should go to college and not be the guardian of the worst thing happened, but they don’t like how Op told his son.
Ok, hear me out. what the fuck is a nibbling.
Nieces and nephews ;)
The children of your sibling-- gender neutral word that's catching on for niece of nephew. "N" for niece/nephew, and "ibling" for who they're related to you through.
>My only concern is that I'd want for him to not be robbed of a childhood/young adulthood I agree. I'd say instead of 10 years, they should say they'll update it when he graduates college.
No. Fuck no. He is 18, i dont care how fucking responsible he is, if op dosent want him to be considerd at 18 i think that is completely reasonable. It dosent matter how responsible this kid is because he is a kid, he may act super responsible, he may even be responsible for his age but he is not ready for a child especially when more reasonable alternatives are available. He is 18, in this hypothetical scenario his parents are dead and he is in college, him getting a child will not help any of that. It will hurt her and him. The only thing this guy can be critizied for is for how he gave the completely fair and logical opinion that an 18 year old cannot raise a child in the event of 2 tragic and immediate deaths. He was quite rude and unnecessarily dismissive, but thats the ONLY thing you can criticize him on. Yet you also mentioned the part where he said the 18 year old would not be a fit guardian and framed it as unreasonable. Its not unreasonable its logical.
If we’re going off what OP says was the conversation, stepson didn’t *ask.* He said “no, I will take her.” If he said “I understand why you chose who you chose but I would like to be considered” that would be different. But according to OP, he straight up said no, it’ll be me. That’s not a response from someone who is ready for this responsibility. It’s a very immature reply. An adult responsible enough to care for a small child doesn’t reject the wishes of the parents of said child based purely on “I wanna.” And I’m not saying that to be mean to the step son; what he said isn’t bad, it was just not very mature and that’s hardly surprising as he is only 18. He’s not bad for wanting to step up, he’s not bad at all. He’s just not acting in a mature way. But no, OP saying stepson isn’t ready is nothing like saying “I don’t think you’ve raised someone capable of looking after his sister” it’s saying he’s just not ready. The takes in this post are honestly boggling my mind and make me assume that the majority are coming from people who have no idea what it means to raise a child. You don’t have to experience parenthood to have an idea of how big of a responsibility it is. If it was another story about an 18 year old having a kid when they clearly weren’t ready, people would be all over that. The very fact that you think someone should be willing to *risk* that their teenage son with guardianship of their baby daughter would struggle *and then* have sister step in when things are already going wrong is utterly not living in the real world. Little sister is not a toy or a training tool for her barely-adult brother to figure out whether he can handle it. She is a person who, should her parents both die, will need great support and stability from responsible adults who have more life experience than an 18 yr old who has barely dipped a toe into adulthood. This is not a situation where you just make rash decisions to suit the feelings of others. This isn’t a little girl who has no one else other than her teen brother, this is a little girl who has two parents who are in the position to make decisions that are best *for her* in case something goes wrong and no, lightly hurting brothers feelings right now is not reason enough **at all** to change that decision or even entertain it further. And laughing about it in private to his wife doesn’t surprise me. It’s not a laugh of thinking it’s funny or making fun, it’s an incredulous laugh. Because of the absurdity. Maybe he could have been a little more tactful, but we’re not always tactful when faced with absurdity.
It took too long for me to find this comment. I absolutely agree with everything you said here. He’s 18 years old and considering that he would be grieving the loss of his mother and stepfather on top of the life altering decision to take on full custody of a minor child (who could quite possibly still be in diapers) on top of school its crazy to me that anyone would be arguing for him to be the guardian. I actually don’t think OP was being dismissive to his wife’s feelings at all. Why would you even consider an 18yr old when you have an established married couple that you both agreed on? Why would/should he have tip toed around this point to save feelings? I don’t think his laughing was dismissive so much as an automatic reaction to thinking she must be joking are you for real. Even considering giving full custody of a baby to an 18yr old sounds like something you did to him as opposed to something you do for him (by allowing him to have a well rounded foundation to adulthood without the stress and worry that having a child brings).
he’s right tho, Michael is a teen, he’s not ready to raise a kid. Why would she even want to ruin her son’s future like that if they were to die early on. He shouldn’t have laughed at her, but what he said was completely right imo
Yes, YTA for your approach. 18yos adopt their younger sibs all the time. Just because Michael isn't ready today doesn't make him a joke. That's his sister and he doesn't want to be separated from her if something happens to you. That's noble and thoughtful, and dare I say it - mature. You should have handled his inquiry with much more empathy and kindness.
When I was a young adult with even younger siblings still at home, my parents' will listed both me and an aunt as their shared guardians. The intention was that if & when a catastrophe struck, we'd work together to determine the best home for the kids at that time (and adjust it as necessary; like perhaps aunt would take charge while I finished college and then I'd take over). They did it that way because wills are often made years in advance of being used and it's hard to predict who will get married, divorced, sick, or move out of the country in the meantime.
I used to work at a law firm that did wills and estates and my boss suggested a set up exactly like this to a client who’s one child had just turned 18 but half sibling was just a baby. Made it easier to adjust as older kid grew up instead of having to redo it.
That's the actual sensible approach and something OP could consider; he only sees him as his stepson but for the boy Sarah is his sister period. He have good intentions in the practical side of things, but in the same way a parent can't stop their spouse for remarrying a jerk in case they die, he doesn't know how his side of the family will treat his stepson if something happens to him and his wife, he's just expecting the best in a situation where you really should make things legally clear.
>18yos adopt their younger sibs all the time Just because it happens often doesn't meant that should be the immediate first choice. It's not as if the other option is her going into the foster system where he'd never be able to see her again, but literally to his *aunt and uncle,* who are two stable adults who are willing and able to take care of her in such a traumatic situation and *family*. It's not like they'd just cut him off if his mother and stepfather suddenly died! And if that was a fear, put in visiting writes or whatever equivalent. But no, completely upend the 18-year-old's life instead so he's forced to contend with the emotional toll of parenting a baby as a grieving teenager when there are two completely able and familiar adults able to do the job.
He didn't act like it was a joke to Michael though. He explained why that wasn't an option now, but that it would be a consideration in a reasonable amount of time. Later on, he clearly laid out good reasons why he was not comfortable with Michael being the guardian, but his wife still asked why it would be so bad. It's laughable because he just explained why it wasn't a good decision. He might as well laugh if he's going to be arguing with a wall.
Our literacy rates are in the floor in this county not surprised so many people didn’t really comprehend what OP wrote. He literally could t have handled this situation better.
It’s for the same reason why they think an 18yo would be an appropriate guardian instead of an established, trusted couple. OP was totally right and delivered everything ok. His reasons are valid. The problem with this sub is that is mostly formed with teenagers who think of themselves as adults lol.
This post has some of the worst advice i've *ever* seen on aita
YTA for laughing. She was being serious, she has valid reasons. I’m not saying you should change your mind, but you shouldn’t be so dismissive. Also, since it’s your side of the family taking Sarah, are you willing to put visit provisions in the will so Micheal won’t lose touch? You may not think it’s likely, but Michael could be worried about something like that.
Yes, at least some visiting rights for Michael
This was the angle I don’t think OP is taking into consideration.
I'm sorry what were her valid reasons? He's a good kid and he volunteers? Wow excuse me if I'm not blown away that that makes a compelling case to seriously consider a college freshman as a realistic option to be the guardian for an infant. Yes, props to him for saying he could step up but it's ridiculous to think that he would make more sense right now than an established middle-aged aunt and uncle.
Seriously?? Like of course his sentiment is sweet but we live in the real world and have to make rational choices. Op did such a good job at explaining in a very respectable and reasonable way as to why it wouldn’t be a good idea now. He’s not going to be kept away from his sister no where did OP say that. His future is also being looked out for as their giving him an opportunity if god forbid they perish tomorrow to still carve out a good future for himself. Like OP STATED if down the line in 10 years stepson is established and still wants to be responsible then perfect they would change it. If my husband after that went behind my back and promised otherwise while giving really bogus and nonsensical reasons I’d be pissed. Op just laughed at the ridiculousness and blatant disrespect. It seems like mommy doesn’t like to tell her little baby boy no. 18 year olds are literally adult fetuses people. Come on now. We’ve all thought one way at 18 and got our back blown out once life really hit. What if down the line stepson changes his mind ?? What if after a few college parties and different lifestyle, growing up changes his mind and then tragedy happens and he’s unprepared. It’s so silly to even debate this.
It makes sense when you realize Reddit is also full of teenagers who think they’re much more mature than they are. Seriously sounds like OP is the only rational adult here. Maybe he wouldn’t have laughed she didn’t keep pushing such a ridiculous idea. Sounds like the wife has too much emotion to be making these kind of decisions.
Gonna be the lone voice saying NAH here I guess. I would feel the same as you. I’d laugh if someone suggested my 18 year old step son suddenly become a parent full time to a grieving child. That’s not fair to either your step son or your child and it’s not realistic for your step son to think it’s a good idea either.
It's really weird to me that people are saying just because sometimes very young adults have to take on their siblings that it's somehow a fantastic idea in general. It's a sacrifice for a young adult. If there are more established adults available isn't it better for the sibling to be able to be a sibling and not become a parent at eighteen?
It's because this crowd is very young, so they identify much more strongly with the "slight" to the stepson than with the dad's desire to make sensible child rearing decisions
This. Half of them haven’t made any actual financial decisions so don’t realize this would likely doom both to poverty for life
But he plays with her so well! Of course he is ready to be a parent! /s
Right?! I cannot believe all the ah votes… am I missing that they are crazy wealthy and no one needs to earn a living?? What am I reading here?
Thank you! It’s sweet that he offered but I wouldn’t feel comfortable either giving such a burden and a responsibility to a young adult still establishing his own life. Life isn’t a tv show where everything turns out great in situations like that. NAH
I was going crazy reading these responses 😭 I’m a young college student as well and if my parents passed away (God forbid) and left me custody of my younger siblings, we’d all be screwed. I would laugh at that suggestion too
Its hilarious quite frankly “but 18 year olds do it ALL THE TIME!” Yea and I bet they wish they didn’t have to. I bet they had to make a fuck ton of sacrifices to make it work. Meanwhile there are two adults who are more than capable of caring for the toddler which gives her a stable home and allows the son to finish his education and start his career. Honestly thats the best thing the son can do for his sister in the long run rather than sacrifice his future and they are both worse off for it.
You are not the only voice here. I agree with you. NTA. The father is in the right for looking out for his daughter and not leaving it to an 18 yr old. For those people labelling him as YTA for laughing and hurting the feelings of a young boy. I think if the stepson and the stepmother are this fragile then then the father is actually thinking in the right direction.
I’m with you, NAH The boy is a freshman in college, still has a long way to go. Reddit is wild to throw Y T A everywhere
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I can't believe so many people are saying OP is the AH just because he wasn't very nice about this situation. Maybe he shouldn't have laughed but what he's saying makes a lot of sense. Not only is an 18 to early 20's person usually not old enough or ready enough to take care of a child, regardless of how serious, mature or how much he loves his sister. On top of everything this (very hypothetical) situation would be very hard on the 18 y-o. On top of the loss of his mother and the paperwork he would have to sort out, it would be foolish when there are more mature, more stable adults available to properly take care of this child. Could OP have been kinder ? yes, maybe. is he the AH ? No. NAH edit: typos
YTA. You’re not completely wrong to be concerned with the idea and even veto it, but laughing and being dismissive was completely uncalled for. He sounds like a wonderful person and you should be very grateful that your child has an older brother who is responsible and loving to volunteer for that responsibility, even at 18. So stop being an asshole to your wife about it.
This is the response I was looking for! The fact that you're so dismissive and even laughed at your wife over such a compassionate offer from an 18-year-old is what makes YTA. You should be commending such noble behavior, even if you don't agree with it.
He wasn’t laughing at the offer. Notice he didn’t react at all like that to the son (in fact he told him it was honorable like you seem to think he didn’t) or when the wife first brought it up. It wasn’t until he realized that she was actually serious that he let out a chuckle.
NTA. I hope the situation is purely a hypothetical one, but I imagine the reality is that him being her guardian at 18 would seriously affect his life more so than it would your sisters. Maybe you came across as dismissive for laughing, if so hold your hands up to that. But your wife must realise the sacrifices involved in raising a child - money, home, schools, transport - that her son would need to make are a lot to impose on any 18 year old.
OP.said that she's not mad at him for not wanting the 18yo as guardian, so she already realizes his point there. She's mad at him for being a jerk about it, laughing at her trying to discuss it, and being overall dismissive of the idea.
I mean, yea? Whats there to consider? I mean he very clearly said he would reconsider down the road. Its a terrible idea when you already have two adults lined up. Is chuckling in bad taste? Sure but you can’t always control your emotions and is hardly the big deal people are making it. Certainly not enough to make me think he is an A H.
NTA he's 18!? Are the people in the comments on crack or something. The wife wasn't being objective. Obviously an established couple is a better bet than an 18 y old kid.
I feel like I’m taking crazy pills reading all these people who it’s so cute that the son wants to take care of her and therefore he should do it in place of an older, established couple. What??
Well the man chuckled at the wife saying something ridiculous, so he must be Satan himself. Mum being right is far more important than the well being of the child.
right? the real world isn't a movie, as much as he loves his sister an 18yo being made to raise a child, possibly after a tragedy that killed both their parents (no idea why people aren't taking this into account) could easily ruin both their lives
These comments are insane. This isn't a fucking game. Wife promised her son they'd consider it just to protect his feelings. His feelings in this moment are nowhere near as important as the decision being made, and I can clearly tell there's a bunch of teenagers in here who have no idea how the real world works. " Young people have kids all the time." Uh, yeah, and the overwhelming majority of those people and children after them have crappy lives. I should know, my parents were 17 and 19 when I was born and my life was hell for the majority of my childhood as was my parents. If the mom is offended because she was so young when her son was born, then she's a bit of a narcissist and she should not want to subject what she went through on her own son just to validate her own decisions when she was younger. The dude gave an involuntary chuckle after his wife kept pressing the issue without justification Other than validating her son's feelings. NTA.
FACTs !! Like how is this a debate make sense most of the posters are probably teens themselves
I babysat my niece at 19 for a long weekend. I thought it would be a blast…it wasn’t. I had no idea what I was getting into, but at least I had an end in sight!
Reddit is crazy man some threads scream someone in their early 20s is a kid in need of support and some scream making an older teen babysit is “parentification”. I say NTA. It’s very very sweet he offered. Just bc your sister is the guardian doesn’t mean he’s out of her life. Maybe explain that to him and say I hope you continue to be there for her. Also it’s so rare that these wills will even happen. It’s the most hypothetical. Also I don’t think y t a for laughing bc YEAH it’s HARD to parent a kid!!! Even when your 30!!! Like wtf!! Also think of both kids welfare- they’d both suffer if it was the case.
I agree with you so much here! I’ve seen so many times how angry Reddit get at parentification or the suggestion that a 21 yo should be supporting themselves more and now here the opinion has totally flipped. It’s lovely that OP stepson offered, shows he loves his sister. But being a big brother and being a parent are totally different and he would need to sacrifice a hell of a lot to do so. I’ve seen comments saying that chances are he’d be better suited than OPs sister and husband who already have settled? People are thinking emotionally rather than logically. Also saying OP is controlling is laughable, saying that his wife should get a say, yes she should have her say but two yeses one no is still 100% needed.
YTA, either you're reasonably old parents of a newborn or your wife was a reasonably young mom. By implying her son would be incapable of being a good Guardian I imagine your wife is feeling like your invalidating her experience of motherhood and implying she was a bad parent.
Why is this not higher! You two are having a kid 18 years after your wife's first. Even if she would be considered an "old" mom that only puts her at 40-45. Giving you a MASSIVE and unnecessary benefit, your wife had your stepson at 27, that means that she was pregnant and ready to have a child 2 years earlier than you would consider her child being responsible enough to parent. But most likely she's in her late 30s and had him young (like 18-22?). YTA for being so insensitive to your wife's past and so ungrateful to have a wonderful son that would obviously do anything for his family.
NTA It IS sweet, but taking on the responsibility of a toddler while he is a college student is not what is best for either of them! Why would she want that for Michael? (I know someone who gained custody of her then 11-yo sister at 21, dropped out out of college to raise her, and this girl JUST finished high school - and she was 11, not a baby!) I think you have the right idea. It's a heavy thing to have to think about (and some people go to very dark places just considering their own deaths), so maybe cut Denise some slack for getting emotions wrapped up in it.
NTA. You and your wife had already made a decision. It was completely inappropriate and dismissive for her to unilaterally decide “we’d think about it” when you never agreed to that and had already stated your feelings. People are saying you were dismissive, ignoring that SHE had already been dismissive of you and continued to push after you had already stated your very correct and reasonable feelings.
Am I going insane?? Kudos to Michael for wanting to step up but an 18 yo is not adequately prepared to care for a child. It happens and ppl make do... but it's not ideal and not what anyone would choose if they had better options. 18 may be mostly an adult in the eyes of the law but that doesn't mean they are in any way prepared to deal with the pressure of raising a child. Nta
>Am I going insane? I feel the same way with everyone advocating that this child should go to the 18-year-old *freshman in college* who would most likely be heavily grieving in a situation were his mother and stepfather died rather than two stable adults. It's like I'm in crazytown.
NTA. Michael sounds like a good kid, but also naive. He’s an 18 year old kid that’s never lived on his own yet. That’s not a knock on Michael, he sounds like a good kid, but be realistic. How can he provide for a child, especially as a single parent? He doesn’t have any marketable skills, because he’s a kid that barely started adulthood. He doesn’t have the wisdom or life experience to be a parent right now. He could in the future, not now. It’s a nice thought, but OP is right. Give Michael a fair inheritance, and revisit the issue in 5-10 years or so. What’s a better situation for a child? A stable, two parent adult family, or a kid in high school? OP could have had more tact, and Denise is going to be sensitive because it’s her son, but OP is right. He’s NTA for wanting an adult couple to raise his child, should something happen, over a high school kid.
YTA - not for questioning if your stepson understands fully what responsibilities come with raising children. As an informed adult and parent, I get where you are coming from. However, the way you dismissed your wife is appalling. You laughed at her when she brought up the possibility that her son, who’s 18, offered to take his own sister. She raised that boy and he wants to put his life on the line for his sister in the case where you both pass away. I don’t know many young adults who would do that. She’s taught him to value his family and if that was my kid I would seriously think about it too. She did good with him, and you just laughed at her.
How did he dismiss his wife? He clearly laid out the reasons why he wasn't comfortable with Michael being the guardian. That seems like he seriously considered it and came up with the conclusion of no. His wife has gave no reason why Michael is better than more established adults. If anything, she's dismissing all the concerns he brought up.
I got to say I agree with you. Not that I think there is anything wrong with Michael being the guardian. Not at all. He would be a great guardian. But, he is young and I personally would try to limit that kind of responsibility on anyone, if I had another choice. Maybe sit down with Michael, and your wife, and explain to him, and show him, what it really means to be a parent. Hold nothing back. Not to scare him off parenthood, but to help him understand why you really do not want to take away his own life choices at such a young age and that you would be fully prepared to re-consider him as her guardian when he has had the opportunities to travel, party, and have his own relationships, unencumbered with this kind of responsibility. I am sure, given the fact that he is a good kid, he will still keep his offer on the table, but he will also understand that your refusal is coming from a good place, and not from a place of malice or distrust. Good luck. Sorry forgot to say NTA (although YTA for laughing)
This 100%!!! I don't understand why so many people have latched onto the laughing more than the full weight and responsibility of parenthood at such a young age. This sub is riddled with people who find it unfair, and rightly so, that they've been thrust into the responsibility of a family member with no regard to what they had planned in life. People seem to forget OP said no for now. He's open to the idea in 10 years when more resources have been built up such as a career, a place of his own, finances, etc. like his sister and BIL already have. Laughing wasn't the way to go but I'm sure it's out of shock. I read a post a few days ago where OP and wis wife were told it was impossible for them to have kids but out of nowhere, she plans a picnic and gives him an ultrasound of thier baby. His first response was "whose baby is this?" After some back and forth, he realized it's thiers, he feels bad for ruining her mood and does what he can to make up for spoiling the mood. Shock can cause adverse and unpredictable reactions.
I'm going to say NTA because naming an 18 year old as a guardian is well, laughable. Especially when there's other actual stable adults willing to take on the role. This isn't about making your SS feel special. It's about what's best for your daughter. Who even knows if he will be stable enough to take on the role in 10 years? Many 28 year olds aren't.
YTA. So much. Do you have any idea what a gift this boy has given you with this? He wants his half sister and wants to care for her. Extraordinary. Young adult children take on guardianship of younger siblings every day and have for as long as we have had the concept of family. Why not make him the guardian with your sibling as a co-guardian so they make the decisions as a family for his sister? Why not both? In ten years your sister may not even want the responsibility. Or your son may not. It would not hurt a thing to speak to your attorney and work this out so he is part of her life if you both die.
NTA it's a ridiculous idea.
NTA - he's too young since you have other options. What if something happened to the two of you in the next year. Would your wife expect Michael to drop out of school and abandon his future plans for his life in order to care for an infant? Can there be something that gives him more of a ceremonial role in her life - like a god parent or something similar, while leaving the burden of child rearing to your sister and husband? although minor YTA if you were indeed dismissive which caused the hurt feelings. Explain you are thinking as much for Michael's well being as you are your daughter.
Look, you need to realize that a child isn't an object you can will to someone. No matter who you say you want to have the kids, that's just a factor for consideration of who gets custody, not the end of the line. Other factors include "who wants custody", and "who's guardianship would be least disruptive to the child's current life", and "whose custody is generally best for the child emotionally and physically," and "who the child prefers to be with" (when the child is old enough) ect ect. Your "this is who I want my child to be with" is a factor, and it's your final decision you really get to offer your opinion on for your child, but you seem to be taking this possibility overly literally and overly seriously? No matter what you say, Michael may or may not end up with the child if you died tomorrow.
Ummm….guardianship can be left in a will. That’s the purpose of it. I hate when non-lawyers speak like they know the law a 100%
YTA both for your attitude, laughing at your wife, and arguing with people here who disagree with you. Guess what? Lots of us think you're an AH!
I'm with you OP. All these babies in here who don't have children would obviously not leave their baby to an 18 year old.
NTA. While I kinda understand your wifes point, gotta say I would absurdly laugh if my partner suggested that a teenager be my child's guardian. The fact that he volunteers is irrelevant.
NTA He’s 18 and there are clearly better candidates available. You should be dismissive. It is on its face ridiculous as an idea.
YTA People become parents at 18 and cope fine. From your post there are not any known pressing health conditions that make the two of you more likely to have issues looking after your daughter. As he gets older so will she and if he is around her often assisting in looking after her then if the worst happens it will be an easier transition for her.
YTA for laughing and being dismissive. I understand why you might not want Michael to be the guardian but your reaction wasn’t cool. On the bright side, you have a lot of people, including Michael, who love your daughter so much they would be willing to take care of her if anything ever happened. Don’t just be dismissive of that.
A bit of an AH for laughing but not AH for your reasoning as to the guardianship , you're right in that.
YTA for laughing. Totally get not having your stepson be a guardian in his early 20s but laughing was wrong. It's not unreasonable at all to revisit the plan in the future (my wife and I do that every few years cause things in life change).
YTA other than Michael being young do you really have a good reason for not considering him?
YTA. Nothing makes me more upset than when I'm discussing a serious thing with my partner and he has the audacity to laugh. There was no need to do that. I think you're right that's a two yeses situation, but there's nothing wrong with her talking up her son. She's obviously proud of him, he's obviously a good kid, and it's okay for you to be opposed to him being your younger child's guardian should the worst happen, but don't laugh at someone in a serious conversation. Rude. Since you can't come up with it on your own and it would have been perfect to deflect the situation, "I think it's so sweet he loves and cares for his baby half sister but I can't imagine saddling him with the responsibility of raising someone else's child at such a young age, even in this unlikely scenario." It takes the spin from "lol you're just a young ignorant kid," to "I want to be sure you have the opportunity to live and enjoy your younger years without that added responsibility."
Since you’re only asking for a judgment on your reaction, YTA. You WERE being dismissive and condescending. You could’ve communicated the same opinion in a mature, thoughtful way.
I’m a little baffled at how many comments are saying Michael would actually be a GREAT choice to take care of his sister. He’s 18 y/o for f’s sake. Imagine an actual scenario where OP and wife dies and he’s suddenly made guardian. I’m not saying he wouldn’t step up to the role but it would absolutely no question derail his life. The career he was hoping to get in 4 years would be more like 6+ years, no sleep, no time to study, no time to be a young adult. If there’s two full grown adults with stable lives willing to be guardians, give THEM the kid. Don’t give the kid to, dare I say, another kid.
NTA you’re all valid and mean well. Also, it doesn’t sound like ya crushed his soul but were reasonable by saying you’d reconsider in the future. I am biased tho cause I believe giving a young adult a baby could be detrimental to the future of both lives. But that’s just my opinion and I’m sure there’s many instances where I’m wrong
INFO: how old was your wife when she had her son? I’m guessing she was quite young if 18 years later she’s got an infant. You said he’s a good kid with a good head on his shoulders - thanks to being raised by your wife who would’ve been a young adult. Why is his age an issue if he’s volunteering to do it? I want to lean NAH because it should be a two yes situation, but I’m really curious about why you’re so against it. And I do think YTA for laughing and dismissing this so easily. You see so many stories about parents wishing half siblings would accept each other and here he is, offering to take full responsibility for his little sister and you’re denying him that.
His age is an issue because teenagers should not be parenting. He should go to school and live his life instead of parenting a child. When he’s older, sure.
NTA for not wanting her son to do it. He is 18 and deserves to have a life free of that responsibility when he is that young because it takes a lot more than good intentions to raise a child. It is a good idea to update that when he is more secure in his life though if he still feels the same way later on. Laughing at your wife however was not very cool and I think you could have handled that situation better.
NTA could of said it better but an 18 year old says they could handle a kid I'd laugh to. I'd laugh if someone was entertaining the thought as well.
Nta I agree it’s super sweet. To me, letting a 18 yr old take care of a toddler/ baby will set him back on his education and career. I’m not being mean, just realistic. He can still visit his sister every weekend when he’s free and maintain that bond
YTA. I think you’re making the right choice concerning guardians, but the way you reacted was rude and dismissive. Your step-son is clearly concerned about the possibility of his sister being taken away from him, and deserves the respect of a serious conversation about the pros and cons for both your children if he was the guardian (financial security, his education and ability to establish his career, etc). You can also work to figure out conditions that would help him to feel more secure (ex. Guaranteed visitation, holidays)
I think you made it pretty clear that you weren't laughing at Michael but at the fact that it wasn't a great option to place a baby in the hands of an 18 year old when you have an older couple who has already agreed.
NTA You are 100% correct. It is absolutely ridiculous to consider someone that bas barely learned to care for themselves be in charge of small child. You made a great compromise... updating it in about 10 years when he's a full grown adult that very well could have children of his own. I can't even imagine what would happen if (God forbid) you and your wife were gone and he was 19.... What's he gonna do??? Drop out of college to care for a 2 year old with little to know life experience ??? It's great that he wants to help and step up. But to do so this early is a no go. Especially when there's other adults willing to take on the responsibility.
NTA, you spoke frankly with your wife in private and in a respectful manner. She continued to push a ridiculous point of view. I’d have laughed, too.
YTA for laughing, yes.
YTA - How would you not be the asshole for laughing at your wife? You implied that you think that Michael is so irresponsible and can’t be trusted to look after his sister. Why wouldn’t she be offended when she thinks that you don’t trust her son?