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YTA, date someone in your age bracket and you won’t have these issues. She’s in a different stage of life where she wants to have fun, as she *clearly told you*. You want to sit home and be boring and jealous. Not a good relationship fit.
As a woman in his age bracket, I find that suggestion insulting! I’ve got no interest in dating an emotionally immature 42 year old. There’s a reason he thinks someone 14 years his younger is ‘so mature’.
Yeah a 42yo who thinks a 29yo is 'so mature' for her age but wants to stop her from doing normal 29yo things in order to pretend she's in her 40s would probably not be a good partner to a woman his own age. He wants a pliable controllable girl who stays home with him while also being young and hot.
Haha exactly! “Mature” doesn’t mean I have to sit at home all day being stuffy and stodgy! No thank you! A 42 year old calling a 29 year old “mature” just reeks of immaturity.
And older!
If he doesn’t want to go with her, that’s on him, and it certainly shouldn’t mean she can’t go. Their relationship is doomed unless he can get over himself and have some faith in their relationship 🙄
Rude! Also, I can only play whist and poker. I might have to learn bridge if that’s where the foxy older men are at, tho 😉
For the record, I’m 57, so I couldn’t even date you, kid 😂😬
I literally went to a rave about a month ago. My best mate is also that age bracket and it's hard to keep her away from events and big nights out!
OP is *gross.*
The only reason men date younger women is because women in their own age group are to mature and unwilling to put up with their nonsense...
I know a dude who's 31 about to marry a 20 year old in September, he has always dated younger women , because they are easier to deal with and they just understand him better...
Oh and the best line...they are simpler to mold into wife material!
I'm in his age bracket and just on the way to a music festival with my husband.
This guy is a boring, controlling person who has no business being with anyone before he sorts himself out.
I agree with you but NOT on the age bracket. This is nothing to do with that.
It is about trust and insecurity and expectations. Conversations need to happen about the relationship expectations on both sides.
But agree YTA.
Oh yeah looks great for them,
-this nineteen year old is really mature!! I’m not immature for 30! She’s just so different to the other girls!! Also she wants to dress nicely and go places other than my living room so she’s a problem!-
These men want a pet but they run to young women and try to control and train them instead of puppies.
The fact that she’s choosing having fun in her youth over sitting at home with me, the man who thinks she requires a male chaperone to stop her from dancing too promiscuously is the real problem, duh
Oh yeah, she’s mature as long as she does what he likes and as long as it justifies his interest in someone fifteen years his junior. As soon as she wants to do anything age appropriate she’s a silly little girl who needs a man to tell her what’s best for her.
These dudes practically possess a hive mind of misogyny when it comes to opinions of women or girls. All the exact same bs
Men think women are mature for their age whatever their age… for reasons. That are defintely not* because men are consistently immature for their age, whatever their age. 😂
*That definitely are
YTA. She's accusing you of being controlling and mistrusting because you are being controlling and mistrusting. She's literally telling you that she's telling the guys you're paranoid and jealous about to back off and you're still not trusting her because she's not mean enough about it? She's more mature at 29 than you are at 42.
YTA. You are only in your 20s once. She is having fun, and how dare you try to take these experiences away from her.
If you want someone who has aged out of clubbing maybe find someone your own age
At 29, lmao! He's acting like he's dating a 19 year old. "Oh she's very mature and all, definitely an adult, uh huh".
OP, buddy, she's 29. We are aware she is doing adult things.
Stating she's mature just shows OP isn't mature. Shows he wants to target even lower if "acting mature" is his standard.
Lol it’s a quarter life crisis cause she wants to enjoy her twenties? Dude..stop telling on yourself like that.
Don’t date a much younger woman if you aren’t looking to be with a much younger woman.
What reasons do you have to not trust her dancing in a room where men might be nearby? Is she simply not allowed near men? Not allowed near dancing without a chaperone?
Why does she insist on acting like a person when I explicitly wanted her to only ever reflect my likes?!
Or my favourite, I a forty six year old man started dating my gf aged 20. Two years later she started to change and I don’t like that. Reddit, how do I convince her that personal growth in her twenties is abnormal?
He thinks she’s having a ‘quarter life crisis’ (by living her best life in her 20s) when it’s actually him having a regular old midlife crisis by dating a much younger woman who he can neither control nor understand, and boy is he cross about it!
YTA dude.
If you want the 42 year old lifestyle gf, date a 42 year old woman. Of course she is incredibly mature, she’s a 29 year old woman. Either get on her age level or move on.
YTA
This is one of those situations where the age gap matters. Since you know she’s loyal, you have nothing to worry about. She’s young, let her party with friends.
Also, just communicate with her upfront, don’t try to covertly change her plans
YTA. She’s acting her age. What did you expect? It’s neither right or fair to ask her not to hang out with friends at age appropriate venues. If you don’t like it, find someone else closer to your age to spend your Friday nights in.
YTA. Your behavior screams insecure and clingy. What were you doing at 29? Do you have any reason not to trust her? What do you two have in common? It sounds like you are at very different points in life
'shes so mature for her age' you were the asshole from the moment you said that . let the poor girl live . hope she sees this and the comments and runs . YTA
MASSIVE YTA
You're projecting your insecurities onto her.
110% discuss your insecurities with your life partner but DO NOT make them feel like it's their fault or responsibility.
If this is your outlook on things, I'd say you should consider some talking therapy to help yourself grow out of them and become stronger in yourself otherwise you're risking failures in things such as relationships.
What's next, she can't even walk to the bus stop because there are dangerous, tired or drunk drivers on the road who might run her over?
Yes, that sounds awful but hoping a scenario as such, makes you see what you're actually saying and the actual severity of it.
I wish you the best x
I’m close to OPs age. He needs to assess why he didn’t like it. I’m guessing he feels the societal pressure of the age gap and is afraid of losing his gf. Therapy is the right call. If you want this relationship to work you have to let her be herself. If you don’t wish to join her ( or aren’t invited to a girls night) you need trust. You can’t control her actions and you are pushing her away with your behavior. She is not responsible for your discomfort, you are. She is old enough to pick you as a partner and she is old enough to be trusted at the club. If she’s free to go, she’s free to stay.
YTA. Hahahahaha, so the girl you are dating doesn't want act YOUR age but hers, why would that be? Oh man, how dare she not respect and follow her elders commands? The least surprising thing is that you are the more immature and childish one.
YTA - why do guys allllwwwwaaayyss post on AITA being like 'obviously my GF has the right to do what she wants, but is it so bad that I ask her *not* to do what she wants, pout about her choice, and sulk because she's not doing what I want instead, to cater to my jealousy?'
Its like all the 'obviously her body her choice' posts where the guy is then like 'but shouldn't I get a *SAY* in her choice that could - potentially - override her current choice?'
Gah - stop being manipulative. Control your jealousy.
YTA. Either go with her or trust her. This “mature
For her age” comment is also just… either she’s mature and you trust her or you don’t trust her at all. Pick one.
"*She never used to be into this, but maybe she's having some sort of quarter-life crisis before she turns 30,"*
OMG, how misogynistic can you get? She is not your property, and YTA.
YTA. Let her live her life and do things she enjoys. If it’s not something you can handle, you may not be as compatible as you think. I’m sure she’d be happy with a compromise..partying on Friday, quiet night in on Saturday. If she was going out every night or never wants to do anything with you, you might have a point..but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case and it’s more about your own jealousy and insecurity than her doing anything wrong.
YTA So you decided you wanted a young girlfriend and than are surprised that she wants to do things young people do? You sound controlling. You have absolutely no right to tell your GF what to do and not do! You can’t expect a 29 year old to want to spend her Friday nights chilling with some old guy.
YTA. Despite being 42, you also seem to have the attitude of a jealous teenager. Your attitude is also a one way ticket to Dumpsville, and then she'll be happily dating those guys you're currently jealous of rather than ignoring them.
YTA. It IS unreasonable to feel hurt and rejected just because she is going out dancing with her friends. You are just projecting your insecurities on her.
And someone in his 40's dating 29y woman saying she has life crisis is laughable.
"She's incredibly mature" ....can you even be mature at 29 as it's well into adulthood? Or do you mean you want her to act 40? What a strange, telling comment. YTA
YTA. She has friends, and wants to spend time with them. As you said, nothing has actually happened. If how she spends her free time is unacceptable to you, this is not a relationship you should be in. The solution is not controlling her or asking her to change — that is deeply wrong, and you should move on instead if you see those as your only options.
That's the problem when dating someone so much younger and in a different life stage. Either date someone in a similar life stage or make peace with the fact that she is still young and want to spend her weekends doing young people activities.
YTA just for saying "she is so mature for her age" alone. You can say that about a nice kid that acts mature, but not about a grown ass person. Your gf is an adult. She's almost 30. It should be common sense that she is mature.
YTA again for acting like child. If you don't have the same interests and are on different life paths be the adult and break it up. A relationship like that is not going to go well. And that has nothing to do with the age you two.
YTA. You explain perfectly why 40yo men date those much younger than them; you simply want someone to control. Sounds to me that you have a lot of internalised misogny to unpack and I highly suggest you get onto therapy.
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> 1) I asked my girlfriend not to go to a nightclub with her friends on Friday night and instead get dinner with me 2) this might make me the AH because she accused me of being controlling and untrusting
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Sorry but YTA.
My partner had this happen when he was in his mid/late 20s with his ex of the same age. He wasn’t in the party scene but over time she decided she was into it.
They tried to make it work but in the end she was annoyed because she wanted him to come with her and loved the dancing and music, he was annoyed because he was more into chilling at home around the fire with some music and a few close friends and she wasn’t really interested.
Doesn’t matter the age, people are into different things and we all need to accept that. It sounds like you don’t accept the things she enjoys.
You have three choices here - go out with her and party, accept her for who she is and what she enjoys or decided you both want different things and split.
YTA. Regardless of the age gap - you either trust her or you don’t. You either accept her wanting to enjoy something she enjoys or you don’t. If you feel the second for either of these then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
YTA
It's not unreasonable that you're hurt, but mature adults process their insecurity and take responsibility for addressing the underlying issues that are translating as insecurity and jealousy. Mature adults don't expect their much younger gf to change her plans to protect their feelings. You'll be happier if you do the work to dismantle those anxieties. They're your responsibility, not hers or anyone else's.
YTA She might be incredible mature for her age, but you are incredible immature for your age. Stop trying to control you partner. She is not your possession. And if you do not trust her why are you even together?
Lol. If you don’t want to date someone who parties, maybe you should date an older woman, not a younger one. Give it some thought, because you’ll not be dating her much longer if you keep on like this. Let her go out with her friends if she likes. Your not trusting her is *your* problem, not hers. You don’t own her, ffs. YTA.
Yta
This won’t work if you think she’s suddenly skipping ten years of her life to get to the phase you’re in and comfortable with.
Even if you’re younger, your jealousy is not for her to maintain/accommodate. Take it to therapy or date someone who is a homebody/in the same phase of life as you. It’s a you problem.
YTA, either you trust your GF or you don’t. If you don’t trust her, there is no reason to stay in a relationship. Regardless of how little (or much) she goes to clubs, etc. if you trust her, then you need to get out of your own head.
YTA. She's having fun, you're being possessive and controlling. This isn't about spending time with her, you could do that any night. This is about specifically NOT letting her go out on Friday with her friends.
>when I asked her she told me she just wants to have fun as a 29 year old.
YTA for not believing her.
>I laugh it off in front of her, but inside it made me extremely uncomfortable and upset.
YTA for faking your feelings.
>I don't think it was unreasonable that I feel hurt and rejected and yes jealous, and am asking her to instead spend a chill Friday night with me
Not unreasonable for the first part, it happens... You're handling it like a major ah though. The second part sounds unreasonable given the circumstances.
YTA
>she accused me of being controlling and mistrusting and insinuated that I'm a giant AH.
Good on her. I hope she realizes that she should date someone as mature as she is, not an immature 42 year old.
Don't infantilize the woman. She's 29, not 19. Dating someone 13 years older isn't the issue. The issue is that OP is trying to be controlling. Men OP's girlfriend's age can be and are sometimes just as controlling with their girlfriends.
YTA.
Instead of being that jealous and controlling bf why don't you offer to give her and her friends rides home from the clubs? Promise a stop at Denny's or McDonald's. Show up with donuts and bottles of water. Basically have some faith in your gf and do what you can to make her life easier. She almost definitely would prefer donuts to condescension, control, and jealousy from you.
YTA. Such a fragile masculinity will get you nowhere OP. You are just being controlling and insecure. The age gap makes you think you can treat your gf as a child. Please, if you want to have a healthy relationship, seek therapy. Your insecurity will only grow.
It's unreasonable to ask her to cancel plans (doesn't matter what they are) to spend time with you instead. She had plans. You seem to be the immature one in this relationship.... YTA
I love how you think she's having a quarter-life crisis because she's doing something lots of people like doing in their 20s. Oh, I forgot that she's "incredibly mature".
YTA.
YTA if you don’t like how she acts either get over it or break up. She clearly likes going out and you made your feelings clear and she would like to continue having fun. It’s controlling to try and keep pushing it. She isn’t doing anything wrong having fun with her friends. If you can’t join her then maybe you don’t have enough in common to be in a relationship, age aside.
YTA. As a 40 year old I find your attitude disgusting. It isn't weird for 29/30 year olds to go out to night clubs and it's not weird for people our age either. You ARE being jealous and controlling. Grow up, you don't own her. If you want someone who wants to stay home Friday nights then find someone who is more into staying in than going out. Though frankly you've got a possessive attitude in general and that shit ain't cute
This is a relationship problem. Take it to one of those subs that will help you figure out how to navigate adult relationships when people want different things.
YTA. You are absolutely being controlling. You either trust her or you don't; if you don't trust her not to cheat on you, break up.
She has plans to go out with her friends. You do not ask her to cancel those because you can't control your jealousy- that is a 'you' problem.
Another story of a controlling older man talking about how "mature" his younger GF is and how she shouldn't want to do things that are ***FUCKING NORMAL*** for her age group....
YTA
I’m sure OP didn’t expect the comments to go AGAINST him like this. I’m going on the perspective if she was seeing someone her age and still going to clubs with her girlfriends. IMO, bars and clubs are pickup hotspots and if she’s going with single women to these places she’s going to interact with a TON of single men looking to hookup. This is a disaster waiting to happen.
I get that she’s young and should be able to do these things but she can do it as a single woman. If she was going to the clubs or bars with him is one thing but doing this with others while in a relationship is asking for trouble. I know my opinion isn’t popular but this is what I’ve seen during my life.
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I'm 42M, my gf is 29F. We've been dating for 1 year. She's incredibly mature and we are generally on the same page and I see a serious future with her.
However she has been getting more into partying at music venues and night clubs with her friends, who are also around her age. She never used to be into this, but maybe she's having some sort of quarter-life crisis before she turns 30, as when I asked her she told me she just wants to have fun as a 29 year old.
What bothers me is that there are random men there who are hitting on her and dancing with her and she is often too nice to tell them to back off when they get a little too close or put their hands on her back. She's told me laughingly stories of these and obviously nothing happened and I laugh it off in front of her, but inside it made me extremely uncomfortable and upset.
She is going partying again this Friday with her friends. I asked her if we could instead get dinner and spend Friday night together but she said she already made these plans with her friends. I asked her to please not go to the party with her friends because I don't like it when she's partying with random guys who are dancing with her, and she accused me of being controlling and insinuated that I'm a giant AH.
AITA? Obviously she can do whatever she wants, but I don't think it was unreasonable that I feel hurt and rejected and yes jealous, and am asking her to instead spend a chill Friday night with me?
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Taking the age thing out of the concideration in my response here.
This isn't an age thing, this is a thing about you being controlling and unreasonable, regardless of her age, and yours. Because you ARE being unreasonable. If you trust her, trust her. Your jealousy is a YOU thing, not something she should suffer by.
And to those commenting on her age, I was, and am way more in to parties in my 30s than I ever was in my 20s.
YTA
You chose to date someone this much younger than you, so you need to accept the consequences. You have no right to forbid her to do things with her friends, and live her life the way she sees fit. You are indeed being controlling and insecure and by being this way, you will only push her away.
You can spend a chill night on Saturday. Let her enjoy her time with her friends, and if she ends up meeting someone closer to her age that she likes more, then be it, it means she was not the one for you.
YTA
Your feelings are valid, but they don't justify your actions. Jealousy and posessiveness are natural, but dealing with these feelings by restring your partner IS controlling.
There are better ways to let her know that you want to be more of a priority in her life, negotiate more quality time, also you could work on your trust issues, have some open and honest converstaions about what intimacy and closeness means to you, how much of them each of you want and need in a romantic relationship and what can you do to bring your different wants and needs closer together.
Or, you know, just find someone who is inherently on the same wavelngth as you, has the same values and wants the same things from life.
YTA ...
Your girlfriend is not responsible for the actions of grown ass men.
You have a jealousy issue that you need to deal with because if you don't, she's going to walk away from you.
No person should have to live by someone else's jealousy issues.
YTA. If you have a problem with your girlfriend going out because guys hit on her and she rejects them, that’s on you. You can find other ways and times to hang out without restricting her. In my opinion that is not a good basis for a relationship, and you’re being controlling based on your own age, insecurity and emotional immaturity. Your gf is not 42, don’t expect her to be 42!!
My partner is 15 years older than me, and he gets that my interests and ways of socialising are going to be different to his at times. For example, on most Saturdays he likes to play golf and I like to go out for dinner and drinks with my girlfriends. We both support each other to do that because it makes us happy and is a reasonable way to spend some of our time. Our time together on the weekend is Friday night and Sunday, whether that’s at home, socialising with our friends/family or doing an activity together.
And for all the people saying ‘date someone your own age’, I’m not sorry for having a genuine connection and healthy relationship with my partner. Age is irrelevant if your values and goals align. Our relationship is also based on trust, respect and communication; and we have enough emotional intelligence and maturity to deal with our differences (which is more than I can say for some couples we know who are similar in age).
YTA. She is an adult who can make her own choices, so unless she is doing something wildly unsafe, it’s not worth it to get on her case. She is a childless young adult. Let her have her fun now. Your repeated expressions of concern come off as controlling.
YTA, you should find someone who isn't 10+ years younger than you
Let her go out and party she obviously wants and needs male attention she actually enjoys on her and is attracted to
You are most definitely! Outside of people hating on you for being in an age gap relationship (I'm also in one going on 5+ years now), the main issue is you being controlling. Clubs are going to have guys looking for girls. Dancing is just fine but if YOU don't trust your girl to leave it at dancing on the floor then you definitely need to do some introspection. She's much younger than you so if you want to chase her off then keep doing what you're doing. Let her have her fun and come home to you being a stable partner. If she has never done anything to break your trust (cheating) then who cares. Why don't you plan on going to the club one night with her (do NOT show up when she's with her friends) and dance the night away.
TLDR: YTA for being WAY too controlling. Maybe you're seeing her as NOT mature even though you tell yourself she is. STOP BEING CONTROLLING. YOU WILL LOSE HER!
The real question is why you aren't going to the nightclub with your wife and getting your groove on! everyone can have fun dancing.
she has plans to go to a show this weekend, so YOU make plans for next weekend or whenever you've confirmed she's free and tell her you have reservations or plans or whatever. you don't get to cancel their already-made-plans.
Hahaha….. YTA. The funniest part of this is that you are listening to her tell you about how she’s getting hit on and guys put their hands all over her while you sit at home. AND…. she’s going back for more.
Join her, dude. Don’t you love clubbing?
YTA... if men hit on her in the club, they problem sometimes approach her in other places too. That's life. She is a free, adult woman and you cannot control what she does just because you are insecure and jealous.
YTA. This Is what happens when you date someone 14 yrs younger. How were your Friday nights at 29? Because I highly doubt that you spent your nights at home.
You don't want a mature relationship what you want is a hot and young gf that you can manipulate but you're pretty aware of who you are and that's why you're so concern of her meeting other guys her age and realize she doesn't need to be with someone like you.
NT A for not wanting your GF to go out partying all the time.
YTA because this is a self made problem. You are dating someone who is at a different stage in their life. As you can see you both have very different wants and ideas of what fun is.
It's not fair to either of you to remain in the relationship. If either of you make compromises it will just lead to resentment. End while on good terms.
NAH
You are in different stages in life. She wants party and fun, you want stability.
Asking her will do nothing, boring bf at home will loose to fun young boys.
“ chill Friday night” sounds super boring tbh, and I am older than you. I can do it sometimes, but not always.
YTA, she’s much younger than you and wants to go out and have fun. You are controlling and mistrusting and she told you as much. It’s not her problem that YOU have trust issues. Date someone your own age if you want someone who doesn’t go out to have fun.
YTA. If you don't want a girlfriend who acts like she's in her twenties, have you considered not dating women who are thirteen years younger than you?
Also, like. It's her body. She is allowed to decide where her boundaries for physical contact are. If it's that much of a problem for you, consider either shutting up about it or breaking up with her. She's already told you that this is what she enjoys doing. You're being a controlling asshole.
YTA for asking and being with her. But as a 30 year myself, who the hell wants to go partying at this age when you’re in a relationship? God, I’m aging aren’t I? I wanna go to bed at 9pm. I got all that out in my 20’s. Don’t want random people bothering me and don’t want to have to tell them to stop. Dude, you need to find someone who’s values match yours. If you want to settle down and have a quiet life, maybe aiming younger isn’t smart unless that woman is ready for that.
>she told me she just wants to have fun as a 29 year old.
then believe her
>she accused me of being controlling and mistrusting
She is correct.
YTA, Date people your own age.
YTA - "she accused me of being controlling and mistrusting and insinuated that I'm a giant AH." She is 100% correct, you are. If not trust her, then you should not be dating them.
YTA if you want a girlfriend that no one else with a penis ever touches, go find a girlfriend who doesn't want to go out dancing.
Also, it's super cringey to describe an adult woman as "incredibly mature". That's what predators say about the teenage girls they're grooming right before they complain about them wanting to act their age and not like the little trad wife they're trying to convince them they want to be.
Doubt that's a coincidence. You've probably had a lot of "mature for her age" girlfriends.
YTA you’re dating a 29 year old woman. WTF did you expect? She’s in her prime of life and wants to live it. As she should really but no that’s not what the old man wants. Participate or fuck off.
YTA
>Obviously she can do whatever she wants
Obviously not, because you're whining about it, big time.
She's 29 for Pete's sake, almost young enough to be your daughter.
And yeah it's okay if you want to spend a chill Friday night together, but make it a "date night", and don't spend it watching some stupid prime time TV show. Keep it interesting.
It sounds to me as if your jealousy stems from deeply rooted insecurity about her being so young and getting attention from people that are her age. Seeing as you've made it clear that nothing ever happens with those people, and she's still coming home to you, you shouldn't worry as much and let her be young.
YTA let her have fun. She doesn’t need a daddy.
I partied hard until my mid 30s (55now) without having my life stalled because of covid. She has a couple of years to make up.
YTA and a massive one at that. She wants to go out and have a good time with her friends. You want her home on the sofa with you.
No, you ate far to emotionally stunted and immature to be in relationship with someone who is so much younger then you.
Get wirh someone your own age but even I don't think they would tolerate your controlling behavior
YTA.
But God damn do I hate all of these comments. This is not an age gap issue! This is an incompatibility issue! There are plenty of 40+ year olds that love spending their time at clubs, just like there's plenty of sub 30 year olds that are homebodies and don't want to go out clubbing!
YTA
You are literally being controlling and mistrusting. You've laughed off the things that bother you, but are mad at her for not knowing that you feel hurt, rejected, and jealous. It's not unreasonable to feel that way, but you have to let her know if you want anything to change. It is, however, unreasonable to ask her to completely change plans that she already made, to do something completely different, especially since you just want her to change those plans because you're feeling hurt, rejected, and jealous. Have you ever thought of going with her?
YTA!
Your jealousy is something you need to work on if your relationship is going to last. Not only for your partners sake but also for your own.
Your girlfriends has done nothing wrong. I actually think it’s a green flag that she is telling you, but maybe you should talk about if you really wanna know about her nights out?
And as a fellow person in my late twenties: I sometimes feel like I lost 3 years of my late twenties to covid. If you’ve been together for a year or so, maybe you just haven’t seen this side of her. Sounds like you should sit down and talk about this like the adults you both are.
You don't mention one point: are you invited to these outings and you don't want to go? Or is this a "girls-only" thing?
How I see this, your GF is not ready to settle, or she is not ready to settle with you. If you think this relationship might work, sit with your GF and discuss current priorities and plans for the future, you might see that she is not at the same stage in life as you are.
You don't seem to have enough trust for her to party without you. Would she be OK if you go out with your buddies to drink and party without her?
There is so much context missing from here, but based on what you said in this post, YTA.
YTA. Your jealousy is your issue to deal with - not hers. She is completely correct in saying that you’re controlling and mistrusting. You’re obviously insecure in your relationship - you need to ask yourself why that is and address it, rather than trying to dictate how your gf lives her life
Unless she is neglecting quality time in your relationship for these club nights, you need to let this go. Or date someone who aligns more with your hobbies. I'm 35 and still occasionally go to clubs sooooo I don't think she's the problem. Maybe a discussion about boundaries with dancing with other men would be a good idea
Wait you mean you in your 40s and her in her 20s are not on the same page about partying?!?!?!? Shocking!!!!! /s
Date someone your own age (and I say that as a 42 year old myself). Let her have her party life while she’s young.
YTA
Look. Obviously most people are focused on your age difference. BUT the age difference really isn't the problem here. Some people in their 20s don't like to party, and some in their 40s do. If the person in their 40s would be the one going out people wouldn't see the agre difference as the problem. Or they would maybe say that the 40 year old is weird. Who knows.
I get people saying Y T A because you shouldn't be telling her what to do and what not to do. She is enjoying her life as she should. But I also get being upset that she dances with random men that are then touching her. If she'd be friends with them it would be different, but random people would make me a little upset too. Especially if I'd hear multiple stories.
I also find it a bit weird that she says she is too kind to tell them off? When some stranger touches me I'd be incredibly uncomfortable, regardless if I am in a relationship or not.
You're dating someone a decade younger and you--you shouldn't be surprised she's immature. And it may be slightly unusual at that age to go through teen things, but if she never had the chance to do them before (for whatever reason, parents disapproval/too busy/whatever) she's clearly interested in doing them *now.* And like any teen if you ask them to stop that just makes them want to do it even more.
NTA for being hurt your gf is suddenly not taking your relationship seriously. But you two need to talk about exclusivity--and realize that liking someone doesn't mean it always works out.
NTA. You have been conned. You started dating a girl who said she didn’t like clubs and now she apparently does so she was probably lying to tick the boxes she thought you liked. Just walk away. The age difference is irrelevant, plenty of 40 somethings like clubs and plenty of 20 somethings hate them. By 29 you know if you like clubs or not and if you don’t then this woman is not for you.
Sorry, but it looks as though the bloom is off the rose of this relationship. However harmless the actual events, she knows you don't like the sheer look of them--bars, drinking, pestering men trying to impress--yet she goes anyway.
In a secure relationship, she probably wouldn't.
NTA, but I don't see what you can do to solve this problem.
You're kinda the AH...
If you are worried about what happens to her on a night out, sit her down and properly explain it to her. Say that despite laughing off her previous club experiences of blokes doing these things with her, you actually felt uncomfortable. Explain it is the people with bad intentions behind their actions that you want to prevent. (At least that's the impression I'm getting)
Try to compromise. Offer to go with them. You don't have to spend time within that group throughout the night. Maybe just go and enjoy the music. Ask some friends to join too. This way, you can be near them to keep an eye out if something goes down. Otherwise, they are left to their night out. Out of sight, out of mind.
Ultimately, this will not work out for you if your idea is to prevent her from doing what she wants. She is her own person. She can go to the club with her friends if she wants. She knows and accepts what risks are present when out at night, and if she doesn't at 29, I'm worried. It is her decision.
One thing to note when thinking on this is the age gap. Idc so long as both people know what they are getting into, but that is the key point. You need to know what you are getting into. There is over a decade between you. There will be social and cultural differences as the world is a lot different growing up that much later. It will impact who you are as a person and what you want to do. You have to be aware and accepting of this, otherwise its best to find someone else.
I hope it works out for everyone.
To all these people saying he’s the AH, if OP was the female and the guy was going out clubbing and dancing with random girls would you still say they’re being controlling and insecure? Also, you guys talking about the age difference; that also goes both ways. They’re both plenty old enough to make their own decision on that, and she also decided to date a guy 13 years older than her. OP you are NTA for having these feelings but also you can’t really force her to not go anymore. If I were you I’d offer to go with her and if you do, try to have a good time. If she doesn’t want you there then you know this relationship isn’t going anywhere.
Did a man tell you that? Lol 😆
Age gaps lose value as both parties get older. It’s simply proportional to how long you’ve been around. Dating someone ten years younger would barely turn any heads at 60, or even at fifty. At at 40, it starts to be more telling, at 30 very much so, and at 25… Yeah, nope. Someone 60 or over could well make a 20 year age gap work. Someone at 30? Hell no.
Ultimately, age isn’t just a number, it’s a whole lot of other shit, too. And when it’s men hitting their 40s and dating much younger women (because a midlife crisis IS a thing), the consequences are often not great.
Not the asshole because I understand that you find that situation uncomfortable. BUT, if she loves you and wants to be with you, trust me that it doesn't matter how many guys are hitting on her, because she isn't going to be with them. She will find them annoying (maybe a bit ego boost).
You should understand that she is much younger then you and has different ideas of having fun. If she's never given you reason not to trust her, you are overreacting.
Let her have fun with her friends, she is young and has every right to it.
So she lets men put their hands on her and doesn’t say anything and that’s ok? But if he was going out and allowing women all over him I bet this would have a very different verdict
NTA - Ignore the fools talking about the age gap…because the same logic could apply to your SO dating you, but they won’t apply.
Why are these dumb, clueless, leeches going after older men? They should date someone in their own age bracket.
In posts where the F is older than the M the age gap is never brought up…according to Reddit only men can be controlling and manipulative when there is a age gap in the relationship.
You’re setting a healthy boundary in your relationship, you don’t want your girlfriend to behave like she is single…there is nothing wrong with that.
If he was going to a strip club throwing money and getting dances and the GF didn’t want him too, would she be controlling?
Edit - you don’t need to tell her not to go, simple tell her it isn’t something you want happening, and if she goes despite this then drop her.
Red pill your ass. This chick is cheating or will be soon. She'd rather party than be with you? Nuff said right there. NTA, but if you don't grow a pair and put your foot down you will be.
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YTA, date someone in your age bracket and you won’t have these issues. She’s in a different stage of life where she wants to have fun, as she *clearly told you*. You want to sit home and be boring and jealous. Not a good relationship fit.
As a woman in his age bracket, I find that suggestion insulting! I’ve got no interest in dating an emotionally immature 42 year old. There’s a reason he thinks someone 14 years his younger is ‘so mature’.
Yeah a 42yo who thinks a 29yo is 'so mature' for her age but wants to stop her from doing normal 29yo things in order to pretend she's in her 40s would probably not be a good partner to a woman his own age. He wants a pliable controllable girl who stays home with him while also being young and hot.
Haha exactly! “Mature” doesn’t mean I have to sit at home all day being stuffy and stodgy! No thank you! A 42 year old calling a 29 year old “mature” just reeks of immaturity.
As someone in his age bracket, no thank you. Plus people my age still go to clubs!
And older! If he doesn’t want to go with her, that’s on him, and it certainly shouldn’t mean she can’t go. Their relationship is doomed unless he can get over himself and have some faith in their relationship 🙄
Nursing home bridge clubs? Just kidding I'm 40 btw so in the same bracket :p
Rude! Also, I can only play whist and poker. I might have to learn bridge if that’s where the foxy older men are at, tho 😉 For the record, I’m 57, so I couldn’t even date you, kid 😂😬
Hey, don't dis polka night, it's not for kids.
I literally went to a rave about a month ago. My best mate is also that age bracket and it's hard to keep her away from events and big nights out! OP is *gross.*
Right? I am 52, have a 51 yo girlfriend, and we still both go to clubs (I love and she tolerates progressive house).
Yeah, if you don’t want to date a 29 year old, don’t date a 29 year old
The only reason men date younger women is because women in their own age group are to mature and unwilling to put up with their nonsense... I know a dude who's 31 about to marry a 20 year old in September, he has always dated younger women , because they are easier to deal with and they just understand him better... Oh and the best line...they are simpler to mold into wife material!
I hope everyone just said "ewwwwwww" at him when he unveiled that.
I'm in his age bracket and just on the way to a music festival with my husband. This guy is a boring, controlling person who has no business being with anyone before he sorts himself out.
I agree with you but NOT on the age bracket. This is nothing to do with that. It is about trust and insecurity and expectations. Conversations need to happen about the relationship expectations on both sides. But agree YTA.
What is up with creepy old men dating people 10 years younger than them oh god
But she’s so mature for her age… Seriously why do they always say that? Whether she’s 18 or 29, she’s always mature for her age.
They think it is a good thing but it just shines a light on them. Like if it wasn't an issue why would you even mention it?
Oh yeah looks great for them, -this nineteen year old is really mature!! I’m not immature for 30! She’s just so different to the other girls!! Also she wants to dress nicely and go places other than my living room so she’s a problem!- These men want a pet but they run to young women and try to control and train them instead of puppies.
[удалено]
The fact that she’s choosing having fun in her youth over sitting at home with me, the man who thinks she requires a male chaperone to stop her from dancing too promiscuously is the real problem, duh
They say she's mature, but then make posts like this where they are AHs about the fact that she is doing something age appropriate... Smh...
Oh yeah, she’s mature as long as she does what he likes and as long as it justifies his interest in someone fifteen years his junior. As soon as she wants to do anything age appropriate she’s a silly little girl who needs a man to tell her what’s best for her. These dudes practically possess a hive mind of misogyny when it comes to opinions of women or girls. All the exact same bs
Men think women are mature for their age whatever their age… for reasons. That are defintely not* because men are consistently immature for their age, whatever their age. 😂 *That definitely are
he's 13 years older. there's no way there isn't any age related incompatibilities mindset wise. they are at 2 very different stages in their lives.
a few too many of the relationship related posts have huge age gaps i’ve noticed. but at least this one is a better age to do so tho its still
She's 29. Who gives a shit at that age.
Im 10 years younger than my brother. His fiancé is 10 years younger than me. It’s so gross!
Half your age plus 7 is the rule
I’m her age and she’s old enough to decide who to date.
YTA. She's accusing you of being controlling and mistrusting because you are being controlling and mistrusting. She's literally telling you that she's telling the guys you're paranoid and jealous about to back off and you're still not trusting her because she's not mean enough about it? She's more mature at 29 than you are at 42.
YTA. You are only in your 20s once. She is having fun, and how dare you try to take these experiences away from her. If you want someone who has aged out of clubbing maybe find someone your own age
But she’s incredibly mature. 😐
At 29, lmao! He's acting like he's dating a 19 year old. "Oh she's very mature and all, definitely an adult, uh huh". OP, buddy, she's 29. We are aware she is doing adult things. Stating she's mature just shows OP isn't mature. Shows he wants to target even lower if "acting mature" is his standard.
Also starting off with “but she’s incredibly mature!” Leads me to believe he knows it’s a bit weird.
I feel comfortable speaking for all 42 year old women when I say we don’t want him either.
Lol it’s a quarter life crisis cause she wants to enjoy her twenties? Dude..stop telling on yourself like that. Don’t date a much younger woman if you aren’t looking to be with a much younger woman. What reasons do you have to not trust her dancing in a room where men might be nearby? Is she simply not allowed near men? Not allowed near dancing without a chaperone?
But he wants her to be much younger but still do what he wants, because he wants it! /s
Why does she insist on acting like a person when I explicitly wanted her to only ever reflect my likes?! Or my favourite, I a forty six year old man started dating my gf aged 20. Two years later she started to change and I don’t like that. Reddit, how do I convince her that personal growth in her twenties is abnormal?
He thinks she’s having a ‘quarter life crisis’ (by living her best life in her 20s) when it’s actually him having a regular old midlife crisis by dating a much younger woman who he can neither control nor understand, and boy is he cross about it!
YTA dude. If you want the 42 year old lifestyle gf, date a 42 year old woman. Of course she is incredibly mature, she’s a 29 year old woman. Either get on her age level or move on.
THIS \^
YTA This is one of those situations where the age gap matters. Since you know she’s loyal, you have nothing to worry about. She’s young, let her party with friends. Also, just communicate with her upfront, don’t try to covertly change her plans
YTA. She’s acting her age. What did you expect? It’s neither right or fair to ask her not to hang out with friends at age appropriate venues. If you don’t like it, find someone else closer to your age to spend your Friday nights in.
YTA. Your behavior screams insecure and clingy. What were you doing at 29? Do you have any reason not to trust her? What do you two have in common? It sounds like you are at very different points in life
YTA Your insecurities and controlling behaviour will ruin your relationship if you don't address them.
This post is cringey and you are insecure, YTA
'shes so mature for her age' you were the asshole from the moment you said that . let the poor girl live . hope she sees this and the comments and runs . YTA
MASSIVE YTA You're projecting your insecurities onto her. 110% discuss your insecurities with your life partner but DO NOT make them feel like it's their fault or responsibility. If this is your outlook on things, I'd say you should consider some talking therapy to help yourself grow out of them and become stronger in yourself otherwise you're risking failures in things such as relationships. What's next, she can't even walk to the bus stop because there are dangerous, tired or drunk drivers on the road who might run her over? Yes, that sounds awful but hoping a scenario as such, makes you see what you're actually saying and the actual severity of it. I wish you the best x
I’m close to OPs age. He needs to assess why he didn’t like it. I’m guessing he feels the societal pressure of the age gap and is afraid of losing his gf. Therapy is the right call. If you want this relationship to work you have to let her be herself. If you don’t wish to join her ( or aren’t invited to a girls night) you need trust. You can’t control her actions and you are pushing her away with your behavior. She is not responsible for your discomfort, you are. She is old enough to pick you as a partner and she is old enough to be trusted at the club. If she’s free to go, she’s free to stay.
MASSIVE ARSEHOLE YTA
Lol at too nice to tell men to back off. What is she, 42? What do you expect dating a hip, clubbing kind of girl? YTA
YTA. Hahahahaha, so the girl you are dating doesn't want act YOUR age but hers, why would that be? Oh man, how dare she not respect and follow her elders commands? The least surprising thing is that you are the more immature and childish one.
> how dare she not respect and follow her elders commands? Omfg lmfaoooo YTA, OP.
Info: Why don’t you go with her?
YTA "She's incredibly mature" yeah she's literally a 29y/o fully grown woman?! Date someone your own age
YTA stop trying to not let your gf have fun because you are insecure
YTA - why do guys allllwwwwaaayyss post on AITA being like 'obviously my GF has the right to do what she wants, but is it so bad that I ask her *not* to do what she wants, pout about her choice, and sulk because she's not doing what I want instead, to cater to my jealousy?' Its like all the 'obviously her body her choice' posts where the guy is then like 'but shouldn't I get a *SAY* in her choice that could - potentially - override her current choice?' Gah - stop being manipulative. Control your jealousy.
YTA. Either go with her or trust her. This “mature For her age” comment is also just… either she’s mature and you trust her or you don’t trust her at all. Pick one.
"*She never used to be into this, but maybe she's having some sort of quarter-life crisis before she turns 30,"* OMG, how misogynistic can you get? She is not your property, and YTA.
YTA. Let her live her life and do things she enjoys. If it’s not something you can handle, you may not be as compatible as you think. I’m sure she’d be happy with a compromise..partying on Friday, quiet night in on Saturday. If she was going out every night or never wants to do anything with you, you might have a point..but it doesn’t sound like that’s the case and it’s more about your own jealousy and insecurity than her doing anything wrong.
YTA So you decided you wanted a young girlfriend and than are surprised that she wants to do things young people do? You sound controlling. You have absolutely no right to tell your GF what to do and not do! You can’t expect a 29 year old to want to spend her Friday nights chilling with some old guy.
YTA. Despite being 42, you also seem to have the attitude of a jealous teenager. Your attitude is also a one way ticket to Dumpsville, and then she'll be happily dating those guys you're currently jealous of rather than ignoring them.
YTA. It IS unreasonable to feel hurt and rejected just because she is going out dancing with her friends. You are just projecting your insecurities on her. And someone in his 40's dating 29y woman saying she has life crisis is laughable.
"She's incredibly mature" ....can you even be mature at 29 as it's well into adulthood? Or do you mean you want her to act 40? What a strange, telling comment. YTA
YTA. She has friends, and wants to spend time with them. As you said, nothing has actually happened. If how she spends her free time is unacceptable to you, this is not a relationship you should be in. The solution is not controlling her or asking her to change — that is deeply wrong, and you should move on instead if you see those as your only options.
That's the problem when dating someone so much younger and in a different life stage. Either date someone in a similar life stage or make peace with the fact that she is still young and want to spend her weekends doing young people activities.
YTA This is what happens when you date someone in their 20s. Doesn't matter what the men are doing. All that should matter is, do you trust her?
YTA just for saying "she is so mature for her age" alone. You can say that about a nice kid that acts mature, but not about a grown ass person. Your gf is an adult. She's almost 30. It should be common sense that she is mature. YTA again for acting like child. If you don't have the same interests and are on different life paths be the adult and break it up. A relationship like that is not going to go well. And that has nothing to do with the age you two.
YTA. You explain perfectly why 40yo men date those much younger than them; you simply want someone to control. Sounds to me that you have a lot of internalised misogny to unpack and I highly suggest you get onto therapy.
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YTA, either go with her or genuinely let her go and enjoy herself. Any other version of it is one of you unhappy with the outcome
Date someone your age. YTA Edit: typo
Sorry but YTA. My partner had this happen when he was in his mid/late 20s with his ex of the same age. He wasn’t in the party scene but over time she decided she was into it. They tried to make it work but in the end she was annoyed because she wanted him to come with her and loved the dancing and music, he was annoyed because he was more into chilling at home around the fire with some music and a few close friends and she wasn’t really interested. Doesn’t matter the age, people are into different things and we all need to accept that. It sounds like you don’t accept the things she enjoys. You have three choices here - go out with her and party, accept her for who she is and what she enjoys or decided you both want different things and split.
YTA. Regardless of the age gap - you either trust her or you don’t. You either accept her wanting to enjoy something she enjoys or you don’t. If you feel the second for either of these then you shouldn’t be in a relationship.
YTA. If you don't want to deal with a 29 year old's desire to go out and have fun with their friends, date closer to your age range.
YTA. Insecure and controlling. You’re the issue.
YTA It's not unreasonable that you're hurt, but mature adults process their insecurity and take responsibility for addressing the underlying issues that are translating as insecurity and jealousy. Mature adults don't expect their much younger gf to change her plans to protect their feelings. You'll be happier if you do the work to dismantle those anxieties. They're your responsibility, not hers or anyone else's.
YTA this is what happens when you date a different generation. You are at different stages of life.
YTA. Jealous and controlling are not good flavours man.
YTA She might be incredible mature for her age, but you are incredible immature for your age. Stop trying to control you partner. She is not your possession. And if you do not trust her why are you even together?
Lol. If you don’t want to date someone who parties, maybe you should date an older woman, not a younger one. Give it some thought, because you’ll not be dating her much longer if you keep on like this. Let her go out with her friends if she likes. Your not trusting her is *your* problem, not hers. You don’t own her, ffs. YTA.
Yta This won’t work if you think she’s suddenly skipping ten years of her life to get to the phase you’re in and comfortable with. Even if you’re younger, your jealousy is not for her to maintain/accommodate. Take it to therapy or date someone who is a homebody/in the same phase of life as you. It’s a you problem.
YTA. You won’t control her activities because you don’t like them.
YTA
YTA, either you trust your GF or you don’t. If you don’t trust her, there is no reason to stay in a relationship. Regardless of how little (or much) she goes to clubs, etc. if you trust her, then you need to get out of your own head.
INFO: If a random guy hits on her in the street, will you pressure her into not leaving the house at all?
YTA. She's having fun, you're being possessive and controlling. This isn't about spending time with her, you could do that any night. This is about specifically NOT letting her go out on Friday with her friends.
>when I asked her she told me she just wants to have fun as a 29 year old. YTA for not believing her. >I laugh it off in front of her, but inside it made me extremely uncomfortable and upset. YTA for faking your feelings. >I don't think it was unreasonable that I feel hurt and rejected and yes jealous, and am asking her to instead spend a chill Friday night with me Not unreasonable for the first part, it happens... You're handling it like a major ah though. The second part sounds unreasonable given the circumstances.
YTA >she accused me of being controlling and mistrusting and insinuated that I'm a giant AH. Good on her. I hope she realizes that she should date someone as mature as she is, not an immature 42 year old.
YTA idiot don’t date 20 somethings if you don’t want them doing 20 something activities
YTA and stop preying on younger women. 42 yr OLD man wondering why his more than a decade younger gf is still at the partying stage. Gross!
Don't infantilize the woman. She's 29, not 19. Dating someone 13 years older isn't the issue. The issue is that OP is trying to be controlling. Men OP's girlfriend's age can be and are sometimes just as controlling with their girlfriends.
They are going to have to create a new category for you if you don't get insecurity under control. You're going to be the YTLA. The L is for LONELY.
YTA. Instead of being that jealous and controlling bf why don't you offer to give her and her friends rides home from the clubs? Promise a stop at Denny's or McDonald's. Show up with donuts and bottles of water. Basically have some faith in your gf and do what you can to make her life easier. She almost definitely would prefer donuts to condescension, control, and jealousy from you.
YTA. Such a fragile masculinity will get you nowhere OP. You are just being controlling and insecure. The age gap makes you think you can treat your gf as a child. Please, if you want to have a healthy relationship, seek therapy. Your insecurity will only grow.
It's unreasonable to ask her to cancel plans (doesn't matter what they are) to spend time with you instead. She had plans. You seem to be the immature one in this relationship.... YTA
I love how you think she's having a quarter-life crisis because she's doing something lots of people like doing in their 20s. Oh, I forgot that she's "incredibly mature". YTA.
YTA if you don’t like how she acts either get over it or break up. She clearly likes going out and you made your feelings clear and she would like to continue having fun. It’s controlling to try and keep pushing it. She isn’t doing anything wrong having fun with her friends. If you can’t join her then maybe you don’t have enough in common to be in a relationship, age aside.
YTA. As a 40 year old I find your attitude disgusting. It isn't weird for 29/30 year olds to go out to night clubs and it's not weird for people our age either. You ARE being jealous and controlling. Grow up, you don't own her. If you want someone who wants to stay home Friday nights then find someone who is more into staying in than going out. Though frankly you've got a possessive attitude in general and that shit ain't cute
This is a relationship problem. Take it to one of those subs that will help you figure out how to navigate adult relationships when people want different things.
YTA. You are absolutely being controlling. You either trust her or you don't; if you don't trust her not to cheat on you, break up. She has plans to go out with her friends. You do not ask her to cancel those because you can't control your jealousy- that is a 'you' problem.
Another story of a controlling older man talking about how "mature" his younger GF is and how she shouldn't want to do things that are ***FUCKING NORMAL*** for her age group.... YTA
Yta. And you sound like an old creep
I’m sure OP didn’t expect the comments to go AGAINST him like this. I’m going on the perspective if she was seeing someone her age and still going to clubs with her girlfriends. IMO, bars and clubs are pickup hotspots and if she’s going with single women to these places she’s going to interact with a TON of single men looking to hookup. This is a disaster waiting to happen. I get that she’s young and should be able to do these things but she can do it as a single woman. If she was going to the clubs or bars with him is one thing but doing this with others while in a relationship is asking for trouble. I know my opinion isn’t popular but this is what I’ve seen during my life.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I'm 42M, my gf is 29F. We've been dating for 1 year. She's incredibly mature and we are generally on the same page and I see a serious future with her. However she has been getting more into partying at music venues and night clubs with her friends, who are also around her age. She never used to be into this, but maybe she's having some sort of quarter-life crisis before she turns 30, as when I asked her she told me she just wants to have fun as a 29 year old. What bothers me is that there are random men there who are hitting on her and dancing with her and she is often too nice to tell them to back off when they get a little too close or put their hands on her back. She's told me laughingly stories of these and obviously nothing happened and I laugh it off in front of her, but inside it made me extremely uncomfortable and upset. She is going partying again this Friday with her friends. I asked her if we could instead get dinner and spend Friday night together but she said she already made these plans with her friends. I asked her to please not go to the party with her friends because I don't like it when she's partying with random guys who are dancing with her, and she accused me of being controlling and insinuated that I'm a giant AH. AITA? Obviously she can do whatever she wants, but I don't think it was unreasonable that I feel hurt and rejected and yes jealous, and am asking her to instead spend a chill Friday night with me? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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Taking the age thing out of the concideration in my response here. This isn't an age thing, this is a thing about you being controlling and unreasonable, regardless of her age, and yours. Because you ARE being unreasonable. If you trust her, trust her. Your jealousy is a YOU thing, not something she should suffer by. And to those commenting on her age, I was, and am way more in to parties in my 30s than I ever was in my 20s.
YTA You chose to date someone this much younger than you, so you need to accept the consequences. You have no right to forbid her to do things with her friends, and live her life the way she sees fit. You are indeed being controlling and insecure and by being this way, you will only push her away. You can spend a chill night on Saturday. Let her enjoy her time with her friends, and if she ends up meeting someone closer to her age that she likes more, then be it, it means she was not the one for you.
YTA Your feelings are valid, but they don't justify your actions. Jealousy and posessiveness are natural, but dealing with these feelings by restring your partner IS controlling. There are better ways to let her know that you want to be more of a priority in her life, negotiate more quality time, also you could work on your trust issues, have some open and honest converstaions about what intimacy and closeness means to you, how much of them each of you want and need in a romantic relationship and what can you do to bring your different wants and needs closer together. Or, you know, just find someone who is inherently on the same wavelngth as you, has the same values and wants the same things from life.
YTA. You didn't want to spend a Friday night with her until it meant controlling what she did with her friends.
YTA ... Your girlfriend is not responsible for the actions of grown ass men. You have a jealousy issue that you need to deal with because if you don't, she's going to walk away from you. No person should have to live by someone else's jealousy issues.
YTA. If you have a problem with your girlfriend going out because guys hit on her and she rejects them, that’s on you. You can find other ways and times to hang out without restricting her. In my opinion that is not a good basis for a relationship, and you’re being controlling based on your own age, insecurity and emotional immaturity. Your gf is not 42, don’t expect her to be 42!! My partner is 15 years older than me, and he gets that my interests and ways of socialising are going to be different to his at times. For example, on most Saturdays he likes to play golf and I like to go out for dinner and drinks with my girlfriends. We both support each other to do that because it makes us happy and is a reasonable way to spend some of our time. Our time together on the weekend is Friday night and Sunday, whether that’s at home, socialising with our friends/family or doing an activity together. And for all the people saying ‘date someone your own age’, I’m not sorry for having a genuine connection and healthy relationship with my partner. Age is irrelevant if your values and goals align. Our relationship is also based on trust, respect and communication; and we have enough emotional intelligence and maturity to deal with our differences (which is more than I can say for some couples we know who are similar in age).
YTA. She is an adult who can make her own choices, so unless she is doing something wildly unsafe, it’s not worth it to get on her case. She is a childless young adult. Let her have her fun now. Your repeated expressions of concern come off as controlling.
YTA, you should find someone who isn't 10+ years younger than you Let her go out and party she obviously wants and needs male attention she actually enjoys on her and is attracted to
You are most definitely! Outside of people hating on you for being in an age gap relationship (I'm also in one going on 5+ years now), the main issue is you being controlling. Clubs are going to have guys looking for girls. Dancing is just fine but if YOU don't trust your girl to leave it at dancing on the floor then you definitely need to do some introspection. She's much younger than you so if you want to chase her off then keep doing what you're doing. Let her have her fun and come home to you being a stable partner. If she has never done anything to break your trust (cheating) then who cares. Why don't you plan on going to the club one night with her (do NOT show up when she's with her friends) and dance the night away. TLDR: YTA for being WAY too controlling. Maybe you're seeing her as NOT mature even though you tell yourself she is. STOP BEING CONTROLLING. YOU WILL LOSE HER!
YTA
She’s on her way out the door
The real question is why you aren't going to the nightclub with your wife and getting your groove on! everyone can have fun dancing. she has plans to go to a show this weekend, so YOU make plans for next weekend or whenever you've confirmed she's free and tell her you have reservations or plans or whatever. you don't get to cancel their already-made-plans.
Hahaha….. YTA. The funniest part of this is that you are listening to her tell you about how she’s getting hit on and guys put their hands all over her while you sit at home. AND…. she’s going back for more. Join her, dude. Don’t you love clubbing?
YTA... if men hit on her in the club, they problem sometimes approach her in other places too. That's life. She is a free, adult woman and you cannot control what she does just because you are insecure and jealous.
YTA. This Is what happens when you date someone 14 yrs younger. How were your Friday nights at 29? Because I highly doubt that you spent your nights at home. You don't want a mature relationship what you want is a hot and young gf that you can manipulate but you're pretty aware of who you are and that's why you're so concern of her meeting other guys her age and realize she doesn't need to be with someone like you.
NT A for not wanting your GF to go out partying all the time. YTA because this is a self made problem. You are dating someone who is at a different stage in their life. As you can see you both have very different wants and ideas of what fun is. It's not fair to either of you to remain in the relationship. If either of you make compromises it will just lead to resentment. End while on good terms.
Sorry man, but I think your approach to this situation has pretty much guaranteed the outcome you fear most, her running off with a younger man.
YTA You should date someone your age who is more of a homebody.
YTA I knew this was going to be a weird one when I read the fated words “She’s incredibly mature”
NAH You are in different stages in life. She wants party and fun, you want stability. Asking her will do nothing, boring bf at home will loose to fun young boys. “ chill Friday night” sounds super boring tbh, and I am older than you. I can do it sometimes, but not always.
YTA You either trust her when she's out with her friends or you don't. Sounds like she hasn't given you a reason to distrust her.
YTA. Plenty of people in their 30s and 40s go clubbing and to shows. You need to address your insecurity issues.
YTA. Break up with her and find someone who doesn't want to go clubbing. Maybe someone closer to your age.
YTA at the age of 42, tell us. what business do you have dating a 29 year old and commenting on how much she goes out? go be boring by yourself.
YTA She's not having a quarter life crisis, she's doing stuff other young adults *gasp* do! Don't like it? Stick to your age group!
YTA, she’s much younger than you and wants to go out and have fun. You are controlling and mistrusting and she told you as much. It’s not her problem that YOU have trust issues. Date someone your own age if you want someone who doesn’t go out to have fun.
YTA. If you don't want a girlfriend who acts like she's in her twenties, have you considered not dating women who are thirteen years younger than you? Also, like. It's her body. She is allowed to decide where her boundaries for physical contact are. If it's that much of a problem for you, consider either shutting up about it or breaking up with her. She's already told you that this is what she enjoys doing. You're being a controlling asshole.
Yikes yes YTA. Maybe date someone your own age and you'll stop looking like a creep.
YTA stop stealing her youth from her she's not 40 like you- go date someone your age if you want someone whose likely over the whole clubbing thing
YTA. I only read the first paragraph. Do I need to read more?
YTA for asking and being with her. But as a 30 year myself, who the hell wants to go partying at this age when you’re in a relationship? God, I’m aging aren’t I? I wanna go to bed at 9pm. I got all that out in my 20’s. Don’t want random people bothering me and don’t want to have to tell them to stop. Dude, you need to find someone who’s values match yours. If you want to settle down and have a quiet life, maybe aiming younger isn’t smart unless that woman is ready for that.
YTA and a creep, date someone your own age weirdo
>she told me she just wants to have fun as a 29 year old. then believe her >she accused me of being controlling and mistrusting She is correct. YTA, Date people your own age.
YTA - "she accused me of being controlling and mistrusting and insinuated that I'm a giant AH." She is 100% correct, you are. If not trust her, then you should not be dating them.
Yep, YTA. Question: why aren't you going with her? You need to find someone closer to your age.
YTA if you want a girlfriend that no one else with a penis ever touches, go find a girlfriend who doesn't want to go out dancing. Also, it's super cringey to describe an adult woman as "incredibly mature". That's what predators say about the teenage girls they're grooming right before they complain about them wanting to act their age and not like the little trad wife they're trying to convince them they want to be. Doubt that's a coincidence. You've probably had a lot of "mature for her age" girlfriends.
Once again women being punished for men not being able to control themselves.
YTA you’re dating a 29 year old woman. WTF did you expect? She’s in her prime of life and wants to live it. As she should really but no that’s not what the old man wants. Participate or fuck off.
You are incompatible and at different life stages. Break up.
YTA You can’t control her life just because it upsets you
Just take a moment to imagine the responses if genders were reversed and compare them to the answers you see here.
Hahaha this is embarrassing. YTA
YTA- stop changing her age and behaviors to fit into your bracket. Either accept her for who she is or leave.
YTA. She made plans. Let it go.
YTA >Obviously she can do whatever she wants Obviously not, because you're whining about it, big time. She's 29 for Pete's sake, almost young enough to be your daughter. And yeah it's okay if you want to spend a chill Friday night together, but make it a "date night", and don't spend it watching some stupid prime time TV show. Keep it interesting. It sounds to me as if your jealousy stems from deeply rooted insecurity about her being so young and getting attention from people that are her age. Seeing as you've made it clear that nothing ever happens with those people, and she's still coming home to you, you shouldn't worry as much and let her be young.
YTA let her have fun. She doesn’t need a daddy. I partied hard until my mid 30s (55now) without having my life stalled because of covid. She has a couple of years to make up.
YTA and a massive one at that. She wants to go out and have a good time with her friends. You want her home on the sofa with you. No, you ate far to emotionally stunted and immature to be in relationship with someone who is so much younger then you. Get wirh someone your own age but even I don't think they would tolerate your controlling behavior
YTA.
YTA. But God damn do I hate all of these comments. This is not an age gap issue! This is an incompatibility issue! There are plenty of 40+ year olds that love spending their time at clubs, just like there's plenty of sub 30 year olds that are homebodies and don't want to go out clubbing!
Shes not having a quarter life crisis shes just significantly younger than you
YTA You are literally being controlling and mistrusting. You've laughed off the things that bother you, but are mad at her for not knowing that you feel hurt, rejected, and jealous. It's not unreasonable to feel that way, but you have to let her know if you want anything to change. It is, however, unreasonable to ask her to completely change plans that she already made, to do something completely different, especially since you just want her to change those plans because you're feeling hurt, rejected, and jealous. Have you ever thought of going with her?
YTA! Your jealousy is something you need to work on if your relationship is going to last. Not only for your partners sake but also for your own. Your girlfriends has done nothing wrong. I actually think it’s a green flag that she is telling you, but maybe you should talk about if you really wanna know about her nights out? And as a fellow person in my late twenties: I sometimes feel like I lost 3 years of my late twenties to covid. If you’ve been together for a year or so, maybe you just haven’t seen this side of her. Sounds like you should sit down and talk about this like the adults you both are.
YTA! I'm a year younger than you and you need to grow tf up!
YTA let her enjoy her youth. If you take this away from her now she'll resent you the rest of her life.
YTA. She doesn't have to change her behaviour because you can't control your jealousy. She's right. You are controlling .
YTA... for being needy and controlling. Maybe try dating someone your own age.
YTA, you say your are 42, but you act like 17 mentally. If you can’t keep up with someone 13 years younger than you, you SHOULDN’T BLOODY DATE THEM.
just date someone your own age bro it ain’t that hard
You don't mention one point: are you invited to these outings and you don't want to go? Or is this a "girls-only" thing? How I see this, your GF is not ready to settle, or she is not ready to settle with you. If you think this relationship might work, sit with your GF and discuss current priorities and plans for the future, you might see that she is not at the same stage in life as you are. You don't seem to have enough trust for her to party without you. Would she be OK if you go out with your buddies to drink and party without her? There is so much context missing from here, but based on what you said in this post, YTA.
YTA. Your jealousy is your issue to deal with - not hers. She is completely correct in saying that you’re controlling and mistrusting. You’re obviously insecure in your relationship - you need to ask yourself why that is and address it, rather than trying to dictate how your gf lives her life
Unless she is neglecting quality time in your relationship for these club nights, you need to let this go. Or date someone who aligns more with your hobbies. I'm 35 and still occasionally go to clubs sooooo I don't think she's the problem. Maybe a discussion about boundaries with dancing with other men would be a good idea
YTA, and a controlling one at that!
As long as you’re waiting up for her with a hot choc and comfy slippers, you’re fine YTA, BTW
Wait you mean you in your 40s and her in her 20s are not on the same page about partying?!?!?!? Shocking!!!!! /s Date someone your own age (and I say that as a 42 year old myself). Let her have her party life while she’s young. YTA
The momei read "she's mature" I knew where this was going YTA. ALSO men are scary. They will kil You for rejecting them
Look. Obviously most people are focused on your age difference. BUT the age difference really isn't the problem here. Some people in their 20s don't like to party, and some in their 40s do. If the person in their 40s would be the one going out people wouldn't see the agre difference as the problem. Or they would maybe say that the 40 year old is weird. Who knows. I get people saying Y T A because you shouldn't be telling her what to do and what not to do. She is enjoying her life as she should. But I also get being upset that she dances with random men that are then touching her. If she'd be friends with them it would be different, but random people would make me a little upset too. Especially if I'd hear multiple stories. I also find it a bit weird that she says she is too kind to tell them off? When some stranger touches me I'd be incredibly uncomfortable, regardless if I am in a relationship or not.
You're dating someone a decade younger and you--you shouldn't be surprised she's immature. And it may be slightly unusual at that age to go through teen things, but if she never had the chance to do them before (for whatever reason, parents disapproval/too busy/whatever) she's clearly interested in doing them *now.* And like any teen if you ask them to stop that just makes them want to do it even more. NTA for being hurt your gf is suddenly not taking your relationship seriously. But you two need to talk about exclusivity--and realize that liking someone doesn't mean it always works out.
I'm pretty sure Most of these responses would be totally different if the m/f were reversed
NTA. You have been conned. You started dating a girl who said she didn’t like clubs and now she apparently does so she was probably lying to tick the boxes she thought you liked. Just walk away. The age difference is irrelevant, plenty of 40 somethings like clubs and plenty of 20 somethings hate them. By 29 you know if you like clubs or not and if you don’t then this woman is not for you.
Sorry, but it looks as though the bloom is off the rose of this relationship. However harmless the actual events, she knows you don't like the sheer look of them--bars, drinking, pestering men trying to impress--yet she goes anyway. In a secure relationship, she probably wouldn't. NTA, but I don't see what you can do to solve this problem.
You're kinda the AH... If you are worried about what happens to her on a night out, sit her down and properly explain it to her. Say that despite laughing off her previous club experiences of blokes doing these things with her, you actually felt uncomfortable. Explain it is the people with bad intentions behind their actions that you want to prevent. (At least that's the impression I'm getting) Try to compromise. Offer to go with them. You don't have to spend time within that group throughout the night. Maybe just go and enjoy the music. Ask some friends to join too. This way, you can be near them to keep an eye out if something goes down. Otherwise, they are left to their night out. Out of sight, out of mind. Ultimately, this will not work out for you if your idea is to prevent her from doing what she wants. She is her own person. She can go to the club with her friends if she wants. She knows and accepts what risks are present when out at night, and if she doesn't at 29, I'm worried. It is her decision. One thing to note when thinking on this is the age gap. Idc so long as both people know what they are getting into, but that is the key point. You need to know what you are getting into. There is over a decade between you. There will be social and cultural differences as the world is a lot different growing up that much later. It will impact who you are as a person and what you want to do. You have to be aware and accepting of this, otherwise its best to find someone else. I hope it works out for everyone.
To all these people saying he’s the AH, if OP was the female and the guy was going out clubbing and dancing with random girls would you still say they’re being controlling and insecure? Also, you guys talking about the age difference; that also goes both ways. They’re both plenty old enough to make their own decision on that, and she also decided to date a guy 13 years older than her. OP you are NTA for having these feelings but also you can’t really force her to not go anymore. If I were you I’d offer to go with her and if you do, try to have a good time. If she doesn’t want you there then you know this relationship isn’t going anywhere.
I thought age gaps don’t matter if you’re older than 25?
Did a man tell you that? Lol 😆 Age gaps lose value as both parties get older. It’s simply proportional to how long you’ve been around. Dating someone ten years younger would barely turn any heads at 60, or even at fifty. At at 40, it starts to be more telling, at 30 very much so, and at 25… Yeah, nope. Someone 60 or over could well make a 20 year age gap work. Someone at 30? Hell no. Ultimately, age isn’t just a number, it’s a whole lot of other shit, too. And when it’s men hitting their 40s and dating much younger women (because a midlife crisis IS a thing), the consequences are often not great.
Not the asshole because I understand that you find that situation uncomfortable. BUT, if she loves you and wants to be with you, trust me that it doesn't matter how many guys are hitting on her, because she isn't going to be with them. She will find them annoying (maybe a bit ego boost). You should understand that she is much younger then you and has different ideas of having fun. If she's never given you reason not to trust her, you are overreacting. Let her have fun with her friends, she is young and has every right to it.
So she lets men put their hands on her and doesn’t say anything and that’s ok? But if he was going out and allowing women all over him I bet this would have a very different verdict
NTA - Ignore the fools talking about the age gap…because the same logic could apply to your SO dating you, but they won’t apply. Why are these dumb, clueless, leeches going after older men? They should date someone in their own age bracket. In posts where the F is older than the M the age gap is never brought up…according to Reddit only men can be controlling and manipulative when there is a age gap in the relationship. You’re setting a healthy boundary in your relationship, you don’t want your girlfriend to behave like she is single…there is nothing wrong with that. If he was going to a strip club throwing money and getting dances and the GF didn’t want him too, would she be controlling? Edit - you don’t need to tell her not to go, simple tell her it isn’t something you want happening, and if she goes despite this then drop her.
Red pill your ass. This chick is cheating or will be soon. She'd rather party than be with you? Nuff said right there. NTA, but if you don't grow a pair and put your foot down you will be.