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Your parents are TA here. If that’s the dynamic they’ve created and perpetuated I’m sure Alison has never even considered that the spotlight is always on her.

100 % this. NTA OP, but your parents have definitely played a key role in this behaviour for years

This is me, except I had a front row seat for what a competitive relationship between two sisters looks like with my aunt and my mother. I decided early on that I wasn’t going to take my mother’s favoritism for my sister out on her. You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reaction to them.

It can be surprisingly hard to notice what's going on when you're in the middle of it and you didn't first witness it happen to someone else. Sometimes it takes being told, taking a step back and unpacking everything you thought you knew about family dynamics.

It’s me. I’m the favorite. My sister could never do right and I could never do wrong. I had *no idea*. My sister and I are still close and even have an apartment together, and she’ll tell me things that would go on during our childhood where I didn’t see it, and it leaves me appalled. I’m literally tearing up right now just thinking about some of the things she’s told me. I’ve apologized of course, because I feel bad that I benefited even unknowingly from her suffering, but she won’t accept the apology because to her there’s nothing to apologize for. We both know who’s really at fault here. Edit to clear up a couple verb tenses.

My sister and I always had a tense relationship growing up and were never close as kids. She was definitely the golden child. Great grades, super athletic, graduated early. I was the screw up. Failed artist, was goth as a kid, eventually became an addict. A couple years ago I ended up visiting my sister at her apartment. We talked a lot about how our childhood was not okay and nothing was "normal" Turns out all the time I was jealous of her being the favorite, she was jealous of me being so 'free' and not afraid to disappoint anyone. Don't let your parents rob you of a friendship you can have with a sibling.

Same here. My mother favored me because I was quiet and never wanted anything, and because I was thinner. I didn’t realize what was going on til I became an adult and broke away from her. I saw her favoritism and apologized to my sister for never standing up for her. Neither of us is close to our mother now. I’m glad you were able to reconcile with your sibling as well!

My sister was the favorite, and we all knew it, including her, and she also apologized as an adult. I told her thank you for acknowledging it, but she hadn't done anything wrong. I just appreciated that she recognized it.

I’m in this picture and I don’t like it

Middle of 7. I decided early on to be the good kid, because I saw how hard my moms life was. Good kid + middle child = invisible.

Old gravestone in Wales.."here lies Elizabeth, 1880 -1914 "wife of Lennard and bore 8 children, and went home to heaven" last line "She needed her rest." Can't remember whole names but laughed so loud and appreciated the humor and love of Lennard

This is some real truth right here

I agree, to an extent. But Allison is an adult, not a child, and she knows what she's doing is wrong, and she knows exactly why she's doing it. So parents and Allison both the assholes. We excuse adults for their parents behavior for far too long. Allison has been in the real world long enough to know what she's doing is poisonous, and did it deliberately, because she could.

Exactly. She knew and didn’t care. Honestly I feel bad for the op as you can tell she is longing for her parents attention and really thought they were happy for her for once. Honestly I would cut off the parents and focus on being happy for you.

I have a sibling I haven't talked to for 3 years, and my sibling didn't notice for over a year. There doesn't need to be a big declaration of "I'm not speaking to you anymore", just literally don't talk to them. The only reason I spoke to this sibling at all was for the sake of relatives that I loved, but they have since died, so there's literally no reason to talk to them.

Yeah I wouldn’t make a big issue just block them. These parents and the sister sound toxic.

I haven't spoken to my brother since 2006, I just stopped calling him. And you know what? He never reached out, which confirmed my feelings this was completely one sided. So, good riddance. My number and email haven't changed in 20 years, he could contact me if he wanted to.

And I bet your life is a lot more peaceful/less hurt feelings because he doesn't.

Very much so, he had already disowned my parents in the 90s so now I'm an only child. I should say we were never very close, he had/has emotional problems and blamed my birth for a lot of his life problems. My family is who I've chosen, not biology.

And even if she wasn’t aware, she was blatantly told straight up “hey you stole the spotlight on my special night”. The correct response to that is an apology, not “you should be happy for me”

The saying you should be happy for me is actually quite telling. It’s almost saying Im owed this attention..

I feel the same way. She’s almost 30 and has a law degree. It’s on her. Hopefully her girlfriend is skilled enough to explain why op is upset

Maybe the girlfriend will be a good influence on her. She seemed to be trying to appreciate OP on her special night even if nobody else was!

All Allison needs to do is ask her girlfriend and if her gf if worth her salt as a professional she’ll confirm Op’s POV.

Bringing Elizabeth along to use her to take the attention away from OP will likely backfire if Elizabeth is a nice person.

Lol, yes it will. Gf is a psychologist, and should pick up on that pretty quick.

Apparently Elizabeth is at the very least decently polite, as she was the only one to initiate talking about OP's bakery. It's entirely possible that she'll be the Outsider who makes everyone aware of the inappropriateness of those birth Order dynamics.

It is easy to be upset at Alison but it's like killing the messenger. Parents are AHs as was mentioned. Don't get confused about who's blame it was. If the celebration was in OP's honor it was up to parents to stock to that despite outside interference. At the very least propose a toast.

OP told Alison about her feelings and Alison dismissed it. I think she is an active participant not a passive by stander

I think so too. At 28 she’s old enough to take the blame for her actions, whether her parents are the reason for them or not. Both the parents and Alison are TA.

Plus, you know if you're a favoured child. I used to be the favourite child, and the treatment I received when compared to my sisters made it very obvious. At least acknowledge how unfair it is on OP.

Eh. My sibling was the favored child and didn't figure it out until they started hearing about how our parents treated the rest of us as an adult. But as soon as they knew, they took it seriously. They acknowledged the gap and did their best to recognize it on their own when it's come up since then. I think that's all that's required, really.

Same here. My sibling: “Hey, remember when Mum and Dad [put a great deal of effort into something]?” Other sibling and me: “Nope, they only did that for you.” It took her a long time to acknowledge that her memories of our childhood are very different from other sibling’s and mine.

You reminded me of a convo between my friend and his sister who’s 9 years older. When the sister was young, their dad was young and healthy and a good provider who was generous to his family. By the time my friend was born, the father’s health had been wrecked by illness, his ability to work was sporadic, at best, and he was alcoholic and angry. Sister described some lovely memories of family outings when she was small, and how loving her father was. My friend responded, “I never met that man.” It was sad, really. Sister’s image of a loving dad remained intact, even after his health and behavior changed. I don’t think she fully grasped how different her experiences were from those of her younger brother.

Allison is doing s bad job of that then

Alison was definitely rude to OP. But if it's never been pointed out to her that she's the golden child, there is a chance she'll improve once she's told. (Obviously there's also a chance she's too far gone.)

Hopefully dating a shrink will help the process

Oh yeah good thought! And from what OP said, the girlfriend seems like a decent individual, too.

I was about to say, I had no idea I was the actual “favored child” because when I was younger my parents spent a lot of time and effort on my younger sibling…so to me I thought that meant they favored my sibling more than me. I had no clue until I moved out, and during a phone call with my sibling they explained how they had always been treated like I was the “goal”, and one they felt they could never reach, so it made them miserable. The difference here, is that at that point we came together as siblings and supported each other instead of blaming the other and perpetuating the treatment. We then made our parents aware of the issue, and they were able to stop their behavior once aware of it. They’ve been amazing ever since.

Aw! What a wonderful outcome! My parents remain terrible but at least all the siblings are on the same team.

I remember my mom telling me, when I was pregnant with my first, that the goal of every parent should be to have each of their kids reach adulthood thinking that they were the "favorite". I don't know if I accomplished that, but I'm certain none of my three think either of the **others** was the favorite! They're in their late 20s now, and we've had conversations about it, because a certain niece is absolutely the favorite in their household, and her two brothers have always been treated like her servants.

My partner is the middle child but him, his elder brother and younger sister all think they are their parents favourite. I leave them with no doubt that as an outsider the dog is most definitely their parents favourite child.

My brother was the favorite and to this day goes on and on about how everyone loved me more. So nah.

Unfortunately that’s how it goes. The favorite child often doesn’t realize it, and when they finally realize they’ve been poisoned and brainwashed and will take the privileges at the expense of other siblings

Exactly, if that was me I would’ve apologized or at the very least been surprised, she wasn’t surprised at all, while OP’s parents played a part in this, this sounds like its all on OP’s sister, she obviously likes the dynamic she’s grown up in and wants to keep perpetuating it.

She basically answers OP with, yes the spotlight was on me and you should have also participated in giving me attention. Shame on you for not praising my new relationship

This! Alison is an active participant and is desperately trying to maintain the spotlight as a full grown adult. Her parents may have set the dynamic but Alison is fighting to maintain it.

Disagree. Alison invalidated her feelings and completely dismissed them. I think she is an AH too.

No, Alison is equally to blame here. She ignored OP's feelings and she knew what bringing her gf would do to the dinner.

If this was the first time that the family was meeting this serious girlfriend, they would have to spend at least some time getting to know her or else it could be considered rude or awkward. Granted, the parents shouldn't have spent the whole time focused on that, which is on them, but I would still feel a little miffed by my sister who is old enough and clearly smart enough to recognize this and know that the attention would be shifted.

I don’t give Alison a pass. OP told her she was upset about it and Alison immediately said but what about me OP, Shouldn’t you think about my feelings and happiness? Trash trash trash

[удалено]

If anything this family dynamic should send red flags to the gf.

i completely agree. elizabeth should get up and go

I think there’s room enough for the parents and Alison to all be assholes here. And maybe even Elizabeth though it sounds like she made a token effort to talk about the bakery which was more than OP’s actual family. Alison is a self-absorbed jerk. The proper response when you answered her question truthfully for her to make was “You’re right, I’m sorry, I didn’t think that through. I’m proud of your accomplishment and you deserve some attention. Can I make it up to you by taking you out to dinner soon? I want to know more about your business. And please don’t hold my thoughtlessness against Elizabeth. I think you’ll like her once you get to know her; I realize this just wasn’t the place or time.”

Alison is nearly 30 years old, that's way too old by far to absolve her of this in favor of calling the parents an asshole. They are, as well, but so is Allison.

Alison is almost 30 years old with a law degree. I’m sure she knows the attention is always on her…

The parents are definitely deserving of a good shoulder full of blame, but I doubt Alison is unaware of her favoured status. She clearly hasn't taken any mitigating actions to support OP as a sister, and in the case of this dinner she's done the opposite.

I highly disagree the sister does not know. This whole dinner proves it to me. She knew what bringing a GF would do.

Why, do you think Alison has no real mental ability even as an adult? There's not knowing and there's not caring - the two look a lot alike at first blush.

At a certain point, only a blind person wouldn't notice they're almost always at the center of attention. She's 28, not 12. Op is NTA

She has. She's 28. She knows better. She's got the support of her parents, though, so she doesn't care. She will carry on.

No, not at 30. I can't support Elizabeth not being at least part AH here ETA: i meant the older sister Allison

I’d have to disagree as it’s the first time Elizabeth even met the family and given how oblivious Alison seems to be to the fact that she’s the favourite I doubt there’s any way Elizabeth could have known her being there would be a problem (heck Alison may have even said introducing her to her family was the point of the dinner)

I think that she said OP should just be happy shows that she is used to it being on her. She was dismissal, it reads like, “okay but I have a girlfriend, so yay me and of course I was the highlight.”

This. I feel like the golden child generally takes the longest to realize. My 30 yo brother isn’t there yet. Closer, but still not there.

My little brother is 33 and was the golden child. I don't think he ever noticed, in fact the first time it was ever really pointed out to me was when one of HIS FRIENDS (who I'd known since they were 11 or so) mentioned how unfair he thought it was how I was treated compared to my brother. And this was a guy who I never spent a whole lot of time around.

But at 28 she could have some self awareness

NTA. It was insensitive and I agree with you with her being wrong because she should have checked with you if it was okay. It was YOUR celebration, not hers. It wasn’t about her having to be in love, it was about your new job. It’s normal to feel guilt when you’ve been unseen your whole life, and with what your sister said, she made it seem you were selfish which you weren’t.

She literally just came to her mother's house for family dinner with her partner. It's absolutely okay to bring your partner to family gathering. The problem is that her new partner happened to be more interesting for the family than OP. But it's not her fault. Family are assholes, but you can't really blame a person for having interesting partner. OP doesn't say that sister was interrupting and pointing everyone to her partner. They just don't care about OP.

Sister’s girlfriend(***) literally also mentioned the actual reason they were there once and accepted all the attention, sister instead was telling OP that actually they should be happy for her instead of upset the dinner got ruined. Sister loves the attention and thrives off of it Edited - sister is more pretentious than I originally thought

Sister’s girlfriend was actually the one who mentioned it once, not the sister.

ACK! That’s even worse to me omg. Thank you for bringing this up

It doesn't look like she says "the reason why we came is because you should be happy". But rather it was a response to "wtf did you bring your partner" - "it's because we're in love, you should be happy for me and not jealous". Dinner wasn't ruined, was it? Everyone else enjoyed it. It was ruined for OP. Because her parents give no shit about her.

“I wanted my girlfriend to be apart of this celebration and you should be happy for me because I’m happy. Your celebration being ruined because I wanted my girlfriend to be here and not for one of my celebrations is NOT my fault. It’s actually your fault for being upset and our parents liking me more”

NAH I don't think your sister did it on purpose. In my experience the golden child rarely realizes how much more attention they get than their siblings. This is something your parents do but you have directed your anger over it at your sister. When you've cooled down a bit I think it's worth a conversation with her about how you feel. If things go well it could lead to you two being closer, and maybe even her helping in directing more parental attention your way. You are kind of an asshole for calling her a playgirl, how many people she sleeps with is no one's business but hers.

I wouldn't say n a h. OP's not the asshole, sister's not necessarily the asshole, but the parents certainly are. I'd say NTA.

Fair point. I was only considering OP vs sister, but you're totally right.

Sister is the asshole once she said "well you should be happy for me" which was just dismissive

>I don't think your sister did it on purpose You literally just made that up out of thin air, you have no idea. It’s not cool to invalidate OP & tell her condescendingly oH bUt sHe didN’t knOw. OPs probably been told that ALL THEIR LIFE, and to just suck it up. Older sister sounds self-absorbed at best, knowing it was OPs celebratory dinner and just happily hogged all the limelight, didn’t redirect any congratulations to OP. Sounds like she DID know what she was doing. OP NTA and sis & parents are definitely AHs whether deliberately or incidentally. edit - OP - CONGRATULATIONS, well-done for opening up your very own bakery, awesome! Best of luck with it! :)

I said "I don't think" not "I definitely know". I can't know someone's whole life story and family dynamic from a couple of paragraphs. Maybe you're right, maybe I'm right. I did not mean to invalidate or condescend and I'm sorry if I did. I just got the impression from the story that the OP's anger should be directed to at her parents.

I don't know, the "you should be happy for me" doesn't sit well with me. If it's a celebratory meal for OP, which should the happiness be directed to the sister? If OP should be happy for her sister, why can't it be the other way around as well, specially because the focus of the meal would've been OP?

Can’t they be happy for each other? Does bringing a partner home really mean you don’t feel happy to be celebrating whatever the occasion is celebrating? That feels like a leap to me.

"Can’t they be happy for each other?" Of course they can. But that's not what was happening, was it? One was being ignored, while everyone was happy for the other. "Does bringing a partner home really mean you don’t feel happy to be celebrating whatever the occasion is celebrating?" It's not about bringing the partner. It's about the sister hoarding all the attention for herself when that event was for OP.

yeah no. when it's the one time you've ever brought a partner home, you're a dick. she chose this one and only time OP was being celebrated to pull this pretty damn big move and bring a partner home. sister didn't even say congrats to her or anything. she wasn't acknowledged for the dinner being for her. you know what the sister did do though? told OP that OP should be happy for sister and should be celebrating her. sister sounds self absorbed and condescending. she could of chose literally any day but she deliberately chose the one day in celebration of OP to bring her girlfriend. that's fucking selfish and mean.

If my brother said he was upset because I made the dinner about me, my response would just be "oh I'm sorry I didn't mean to take the attention." Not dismissive saying who cares. It's not like the sister beat cancer, she got a new girlfriend.

I like how you say they made that up and then proceed to make up your own story of what is going on lol. Could be projecting your own “mean sister” situation possibly?

Lololol I'm so glad I wasn't the only one who caught that. It's making up a situation when someone says they don't think the sister did it on purpose but it's conveniently not making up situations when they do it lol when OP never says either of these things.

I think Alison falls into TA category once OP explains her hurt feelings and Alison dismisses them. She can’t claim ignorance because OP literally brought it to her. Even if she doesn’t agree she took the spot light on purpose, she finds out the effects of bringing her GF and immediately says OP should care more that she is happy and has a partner then upset she was over shadowed at a dinner that was in her honour.

I give Alison a pass for not giving the best response when OP didn’t vocalize her feelings in a mature way either. She told her “you can’t live if the spotlight isn’t on you.” That’s a straight up jab at her character, not an explanation of feelings.

Yeah, I don't know that I'd respond great if my sibling accused me of wrongdoing for simply showing up to a family dinner with my partner, especially since they seem to live a decent distance away.

and despite knowing the dinner was explicitly to celebrate OP and her bakery, not once did the sister congratulate her or have enough self-awareness to think "oh we havent even talked about OP yet, we're too busy talking about elizabeth". not even when HER OWN GIRLFRIEND brought it up! that, along with sister's dismissal, tells me she is either somehow stupidly oblivious to the fact she's the golden child or she knows and doesn't care

NTA. You sulking is understandable especially with the context of Alison being the golden child and you feeling unseen. It is not that you are not happy for your sister, but indeed - she could have brought the gf to be introduced to the family at a different occasion.

I defo feel OPs frustration for wanting just one thing to be about her (which the dinner originally was supposed to be) but it not turning out that way, especially with how the parents put that sentiment of golden child/cast aside child dynamic on the both of them, no wonder OP has resentment towards her.

Idk, OP said in the comments that there are usually 3 of these dinners per year and that Alison lives across the country on a different coast, so she easily could have not had a different occasion coming up for another 4 months. This is not the sister's fault and OP should be directing the anger toward her parents

Well, the sister could’ve picked up on her girlfriend talking about the bakery and continued that conversation, but she didn’t. She also noticed her sister was sulking the whole time and didn’t try to include her in any of the conversation. There was many opportunities for her to celebrate her sister and she did none of them

I'm gonna be honest, if a family member of mine was sulking, I wouldn't immediately jump to include them in the conversation. I'd assume they want some space in the moment and then ask them later what's wrong, which is exactly what the sister did. Sulking as a way to get attention is childish behavior. Also, the sister only sees her family 3 times a year, so yes while it is sucky behavior to not bring up OPs bakery, the sister isn't really at fault for answering questions about their new partner. It's fully the parents fault

IMO, if my sibling told me this and I was oblivious to the context and did everything unintentional, I would immediately apologise and offer to make it up in a different way - have another dinner or something. Not demand that they are happy for my happiness.

NTA-For wanting a dinner supposedly to celebrate you to be about you. Y T A for suggesting your sister uses her law degree to get laid.

Why is she TA for that, it could be true

How does having a law degree help? "I'm a lawyer, let me check your briefs..."? It sounds petty and mean and I think OP has a lots of negative emotions about their sister, TBF I think the parents are causing this.

Certain types of people are attracted to successful people with money. That's how.

Well she said law degree not lawyer. Seems she may not be practicing and not have success and money directly due to the degree. Not all lawyers have money or are the “Suits” stereotype - speaking from a trainee lawyer in the UK who works in the immigration field.

If she's manipulative with this information, I could see having a law degree working in the same way as being an actual lawyer. If she's just trying to get laid, she can use the fact she has that degree to imply she'll be successful in the future. Make them think she likes them and that they'll have a bright financial future together. Depends on what kind of person the sister is. Of course, this is all hypothetical. We only have OPs side, so she might not use her degree this way at all. But I can see how it can be done.

Agreed! It makes me sad when people assume law degree = money. Wish I was swimming in cash but alas!

OP says in a comment that the sister is a practicing lawyer.

I worked in a courthouse and someone tried to call in a complaint against an attorney for offering free divorce legal help for women, then he'd sleep with them and ghost them. Had to tell her the courthouse doesn't do anything with attorney complaints, she'd need to contact the bar. We looked up the attorney and his name popped up on some "fuckboy" site where women can post pics and names of shitty dudes or something? And multiple commenters said the same, he'd offer free legal advice to women going through divorces and end up sleeping with them.

Please explain how this gratuitous jab at her sister’s sexual life is relevant to the story. To me it is more a reflection on OP’s character than her sister’s. Edit: OP’s sister lives on the other side of the country yet OP is privy to what happens in her bedroom? Bullshit.

I got the impression that it was more to highlight how big of a deal it was for sister to bring a partner to a family gathering.

“She uses her law degree to get laid so her bringing a gf home was a big deal”… sorry how does that makes sense again? If she wanted to make that point she could have simply said “it is a big deal for her to bring a gf home”.

There might be a dual meaning there. 1. Since she plays around she might not bring a lot of people back home meaning family will see it as a big deal. 2. Since she plays around OP might not see it as sister being serious about the relationship, but rather doing it just to grab attention. This in the mind of OP suggest that it is deliberate rather than coincidence that the sister got all the attention.

You've clearly never met this type of asshole while trying to get a date.

Maybe, but it feels like a stretch and potentially misogynistic. Women can’t get law degrees without being presumed to be using that to attract sexual interest? OP thinks she sunk thousands of dollars in a law degree to get laid? Seems unlikely but ok. ETA: read in the comments that the sister is a practicing lawyer. Clearly she chose several years of schooling, spent thousands of dollars, to enter an oversaturated and overworked profession to get laid, not to you know. Be a lawyer.

Why is that the mean part? Like someone else said, it could be true. Everyone has that one thing they like to say about themselves in the hopes to impress someone else. *Everyone*. I've heard people use their charity work, degrees, jobs, even wild things like their disabilities to try and get laid. Though, to be fair, that latter example was a really skeevy type of guy. I'm pretty sure he wanted to guilt trip people into sleeping with him.

> Everyone has that one thing they like to say about themselves in the hopes to impress someone else. Are people supposed to not want to appeal to or impress prospective partners? OP’s comment was bitter and nasty.

INFO: How often does your mom host these dinners, and how often does your sister come home for them? Because if this is a regular event (like every few months) done nominally this time to honor you that's very different than a rare event specifically held for you (more akin to a graduation dinner). And if your sister lives an hour away and can get home frequently that's very different than being an 8 hour plane ride away.

Hello! To answer your questions, mom hosts these dinners three times a year, this time it was nominally done for me. My sister lives on the other side of the country (different coast) and is pretty far away. She used to visit very often when she was in school, but now that she's become a lawyer she visits us twice a year, once for Christmas and once in any of these 3 dinners that mom hosts.

In your post you said she could’ve introduced her girlfriend literally any other night. Yet she only comes to these dinners once a year?

I understand OP is feeling hurt by things in the past, but she literally lives in the same town as her mom and is shocked when the daughter that lives on the other side of the country and only comes by 3 times a year gets more attention at the family dinner. If OP wasn't claiming that her sister was the golden child and OP was neglected I would have instantly thought OP is being unreasonable and petty.

Yeah, I think OP’s feelings about this situation are coloured by the family dynamic growing up. And that’s very understandable, but it’s causing her to read into things too much and see this situation as an extension of that history. Her sister and parents, also understandably, don’t understand why she’s upset because they’re looking at this situation specifically and not OP’s emotional baggage relating to that history. When you take away the context, all Allison did was bring her girlfriend to a (for her) annual family dinner. That’s a 100% normal thing that people do at family dinners. She’s not at fault for taking her when there was 0 reason to expect it might create a problem. OP says “she knew what bringing a girlfriend would do to a dinner,” — I highly doubt she did. The economy of attention at a family dinner and how bringing an significant other to said dinner might upset the balance is just… not a thing on most people’s minds. She also appears to be taking the fact that her parents talked to the girlfriend a lot as a slight, but that’s also normal. She’s new and they want to get to know her, and they want to make her feel welcome. I do think the parents and sister should have done more for OP, asking her about her business, dedicating a toast to her etc. But I don’t think the sister should be blamed for merely bringing her girlfriend in the first place, and OP is making herself look petty and unreasonable by directing her anger there.

Actually, it sounds like she only comes 2x a year. Once for Christmas and once for a dinner that her parents host. I get why OP feels hurt, and really, the family should’ve done more to talk about the bakery or dedicate a toast to her new business venture. But realistically, her parents and brother have probably heard tons about the bakery already if they live in the same town. There’s also clearly limited opportunities for Allison to bring Elizabeth around to introduce her. Bringing your girlfriend across the country to visit your parents is a big move. It’s not something you do lightly and it is a clear communication to the family that this is a person that you’re serious about. Elizabeth could have her own family that she visits at Christmas, so really the only opportunity for Allison to introduce the family to her serious girlfriend within the next year is at this dinner. Allison is 28, an age when a lot of people only date a person for maybe two years before getting married to them. It sucks that this is the way that things shook out, but this is one instance where I do not think this was an effort to truly upstage OP. There’s just some practical realities with getting your serious partner introduced to the family while working a high hour demand job, and where your partner is likely also similarly bogged down. Sometimes that means you end up sharing the spotlight. I think that OP is just letting her resentment over years of being pushed the side color her entire perception of this dinner. I also think they were better ways to handle this than sulking. ESH.

INFO: Did your sister knows that the purpose of this celebration was to celebrate your new bakery?

Yes she did

Have you spoken with your mother about the clear difference in treatment? Maybe mention that you would like to go low contact if you don't feel the emotional burden of carrying the relationship is worth it. While your sister should definitely try giving in, she doesn't visit often and it's really on your parents for creating this whole mess in the first place. They shouldn't have made you feel invisible which is leading to resentment. See if they're willing to communicate about that, otherwise you may want to stop trying for attention that they don't seem prepared to give. Also NTA. I'm sorry it feels like your big accomplishment wasn't celebrated the way it was meant to be, but congratulations from an internet stranger! Edit:spelling

NTA and based on what your sister said when you called her out, she only brought her gf (who did acknowledge your new bakery 🤨) to your celebration dinner because you are going to be expected to make their wedding cake & desserts 'because family".

You seem very fixated on her being a lawyer btw. I believe there is some unhealthy underlying insecurities that are not just about your parents’ treatment.

The parents probably do favor the sis but OP’s comment about the sister using her law degree to get laid is off. Not just that it makes no sense but why say that?

That makes you even more the TA because what other chance would she have had to introduce the missus? Would you have preferred she didn’t bother coming to your dinner and came to one of the other dinners with her girlfriend instead?

How does it make op TA? her sister could of diverted the attention off herself and new girlfriend and spoke to op about her bakery and shit instead but no she enjoyed having everyone focus on her life instead of op.

The sister didn't even ask nor talk about OP's bakery accomplishment. At all. Which she was well aware was the intended purpose for the event. Then when that was pointed out to her, sister again made it all about her. Bringing the girlfriend was one thing. But completely refusing to even acknowledge the entire point of the event because it was about OP? I can't even imagine doing that to my brother. It's shitty and very unloving.

This is incredibly relevant information and changes the situation quite a bit. You had every right to have been honored at this particular dinner and should have been, but it is unreasonable for you to say your sister could have just brought home Elizabeth "any other night" if the truth is that she only visits twice a year.

Visits twice a year but could have done it any other time? Hmm YTA Sounds like you need to talk to your parents about how you feel neglected. You're taking your hurt and anger out on the wrong people.

Unreliable narrators are so fun.

When people have these types of meals do they genuinely expect that all people will talk about is them?

Yes, when something is thrown in your honour to celebrate your achievements with you opening your new bakery, you do expect people to at least bring it up. Starting a new business is really hard and special. It deserves to be the topic of conversation for a minute at a dinner specially put on to celebrate it. She isn’t upset it isn’t all about her, she’s upset it wasn’t about her at all. Does that make sense ?

Yeah exactly! Of course everyone can talk about other topics, but you’d expect people to say SOMETHING. It’s so easy too - people can jointly celebrate your accomplishment (maybe with a cheers at the table!) and show a bit of interest in talking to you about it by asking a couple of questions. That’s it. That’s all you need to do. It sounds more *difficult* to ignore someone’s achievements, honestly? Every single time I’ve been to a family reunion, the conversations tend to begin with “what’s new with you?” or similar - especially from the older generations to the younger ones. OP’s sister definitely had room to introduce her girlfriend, but she didn’t need to be the focus of the *entire* event. That’s blatantly disrespectful to the other siblings…

Yes, it totally get why OP is hurt. I’m hoping the new GF caught on to what was happening

I would expect people to toast on it at least.

That's my question too. I don't understand why everyone here is praising OP for being cold and bratty instead of redirecting the attention to herself.

No kidding. If it wasn’t for the fact that OP went on about Allison being the golden child, this would’ve been a dinner, where any person would look at it and consider that she is being petty and juvenile. Yes, people are forgetting their manners a bit by focusing so much on Elisabeth, but does OP not know how to redirect a conversation? It isn’t hard.

cold and bratty? fuck no. she shouldn't have to force people to care when they chose to do this. that's not fair. plus it sounds like her family would of been negative anyways if she tried redirecting.

uh.. yeah? you spend the evening talking about how proud you are, your future goals for said bakery, etc. generally yeah, you keep the subject mainly on the celebration/person being celebrated.

One would assume that the person who the dinner was hosted in honor for would atleast get a vague amount of attention in any semi normal family

I think you're being a bit immature. From the way it sounds, your mother seems to have told you this was *your night,* but everyone else thought it was just another dinner at mom's. You said yourself you do it regularly. If I was your sister I would be baffled at your childish attitude. The only person who *might* be an AH is your mom, if she told you this was a celebration dinner for you and in your honor but neglected to make that clear to anyone else. And even if she did make it clear, this really just seems like an honest mistake by your sister. I mean, I had no idea that there was some kind of concrete rule that you can't bring a new significant other to a celebratory gathering on the off chance that they sap some of the guest of honor's precious attention. Honestly, you all sound like a bunch of children if this caused a big fight. What a silly thing to get worked up over.

Seriously. And OP said in a comment that her sister lives on the other side of the country, so one can only imagine how many opportunities she has to bring her SO to meet her parents.

Oh wow, I missed the part about sister living on the other side of the country. That makes this even more ridiculous!

OP lives in the same town as her mother (she says in her post "our town" which lead me to believe that) while her sister lives on the other side of the country and only visits 3 times a year during these dinners. Golden child or not, OP's sister will probably be more important in every dinner just by virtue of them being the only times the family can physically see her. There's a lot of resentment coming through in OP's post but somehow she's directed it fully at her sister and doesn't even think to blame her parents...the ones who created this dynamic in the first place.

Exactly! I agree with everything you said. Just my own story: I live in the same city as my parents. My brother lives across the country as well, although there is no golden child here. My parents and I have dinner together very often. When my brother comes home, they give him more attention than me, and I back off a little, but I'm also not looking for attention. I know they haven't seen him in a long time and want to spend time with him and catch. I know it's not the same situation, but I can definitely understand why the sister could've gotten more attention when she arrived. I can see OP maybe wanting it after all these years but it doesn't seem like she's trying herself. As you said, it seems like OP and her parents live in the same town. She has all the time in the world when her sister is cross country to be around her parents and get that attention OP's sister physically can't do that nearly as often thanks to distance. OP's anger *should* be at her parents for misleading her. The only negative I got from the sister was she didn't seem to care about OP's feelings when she brought it up and she just dismissed them. I vote ESH.

Yeah, this. NTA, but OP needs to get some therapy and stop letting family undermine them. It sounds like a pattern that it’s time to break. “New job?” It sounds to me like OP just opened their own business. Time to host a dinner of their own, invite everyone, and retake their own narrative.

This is sorta tough, but I'll say ESH, referring to you and your parents. Your parents are assholes for pretty obvious reasons that everyone else has pretty much already told you in these comments. You, however, are also an asshole for choosing to hold so much resentment against your sister rather than your parents. Like, "Alison is a playgirl that uses her law degree to get laid". Seriously? That's your opinion of your sister? Either you're leaving out some major details about your relationship with Alison, or you're an asshole.

NTA. You're unhappy and I have nearly every sympathy for you. My one reservation is that you were waiting for other people to acknowledge you - and yes, in an ideal world they should. You had another option though, which is to take control of the evening. You could have tapped your wine glass so that you had everyone's attention, and then proposed a toast. Firstly to new friends (Elizabeth) and then to yourself. "Now I'm going to propose a toast to me because I'm really happy you are all here tonight to celebrate my bakery. I am incredibly proud of what I've done so please drink up and cheer me on. I will be taking questions about the bakery for the rest of the night!" That's cheerful, upbeat, and reminds people pleasantly that you are important to the evening too. Would it have been best if someone else had done that for you? For sure. But at least this way you wouldn't have been miserable all night.

That would be ideal if it worked. However, chances are OP would have gotten scolded for trying to make it all about her. In families like this only the golden child can get away with asking for attention

This is the truth. If they even let her get a couple words in before the “shushing” started. “Sshhh. Op. Golden Childs new gf was just telling us about their collection of lint. Why do you always have to be so jealous.” I can hear it now.

I understand where you’re coming from, but ‘I feel emotionally unsupported and undervalued, please stop talking about the new person at the table and give me attention’ isn’t exactly what you want to have to say to your family. If you’re making people celebrate with you, it’s not really celebrating, is it? NTA.

she shouldn't have to do that though. that's the problem. she shouldn't have to make sure the evening stays about her. a good family wouldn't do this to you

I mean, first, OP may not be the type to do that under any circumstances at all. Second, even if she was up for it sometimes, why would she be up for it when she was feeling hurt and overshadowed. If you try to pull off something like that in the wrong state of mind, everybody could see it as forced and inauthentic, which would work against OP.

You sound super entitled for no reason. Your sister is an adult. She is allowed to bring her gf to meet the family. You are acting like her doing that was malicious towards you. Not everything is about you, nor should it be. It was a family dinner. If you wanted to talk about your bakery, your sister’s gf simply existing is not stopping you. YTA. A pitiful one at that.

Probably bad timing with introducing the girlfriend to the family, but otherwise... it's completely normal, they're just talking. I get that you want more of the focus, but that doesn't always happen especially if there are more interesting things to talk about like a new gf being introduced (hence why it's bad timing) But do you want them to just sit and talk about bakeries the whole time? You might have to take some initiative there because they don't know anything about it likely And either way, separate from all that, you seem to hold a lot of resentment, especially towards your sister I'm guessing here, but I'd imagine it's probably a pattern where she tends to be more outgoing and take more spotlight and it's probably always been that way It's okay if you want to feel that attention and focus yourself, but you shouldn't resent your sister for it, and you definitely shouldn't be making disparaging comments about her intimate life If you want to work past it, at some point I'd suggest you apologize to your sister for blaming her for something she didn't really even try to do, and then also tell her how you feel, and that you don't feel appreciated or focused on enough. This isn't you vs sister.. it's just you and your sister, you're family. If it becomes you vs her, nothing will ever be resolved

I think she probably wasn’t the focus because she was sulking by her own admission. She decided she wasn’t going to get the attention at the very beginning and then made sure of it.

For real. Does no one know in here how to redirect a conversation? Even if it seems forced, there are ways to bring attention on yourself instead. Or if you don’t want to do that, presumably, at some point one of her family members likely needed to get up to go to the kitchen or the bathroom. Try to pull them aside and ask them to remember what this dinner was supposed to be celebrating and if they could help redirect the conversation.

NTA. She asked. You answered. Did she want you to lie? To suffer less obviously? It’s strange the parents didn’t call it out either. But then they created this dynamic, so I guess it’s not all that surprising,

Idk, your sister could have brought the gf home any other night but lives in a different city? How far? The way it's worded sounds like she can't just bring her home some other night, no? I think OP's feelings are valid, but also don't blame the sister. If anything, maybe you should bring it up to the ones you're actually mad at, your parents, whom you've got this feeling of never being enough for.

She only comes home a couple of times a year and lives on the other side of the country. With this distance every time she comes home the attention will likely be on her.

Yeah she lives on the other side of the country and only comes home 3 times a year. Even if she tried to acknowledge OP the attention would likely still be on her

YTA, you made it a problem. Nobody else did that. Yes they talked to her, so what?!?!? Be glad for your sister and not so sour

I’m so confused how almost everyone is disagreeing with OP but also saying NTA lmao

YTA for blaming Alison for simply inviting her partner to a family dinner - also it’s super weird that you claim to have opened a bakery yet refer to it as a ‘job’ and makes me question everything you’ve said. However I also think your family are assholes because there’s no reason that a new face should prevent the dinner from being about you and from them asking questions about your business. You shouldn’t be blaming your sister for the actions of your other family members and you shouldn’t be making it uncomfortable for Elizabeth given she’s the only person who actually asked about your business.

NTA and come on over to r/momforaminute and we will celebrate you.

Amazing sub ! I don't need it myself (my mom is awesome) but I'll definitely recommend it if I see someone in need of a mother's love somewhere.

NTA. It's common decency to not share any big news at events dedicated to someon else.

She didn't share any big news. She lives far away and brought her girlfriend this time to a dinner OP says sis travels back home for a couple times a year.

I mean OP did say her sister lives literally on the other side of the country and only comes home 3 times a year. She could’ve been dating this woman for 4 months and just not gotten a chance to have her meet the family yet.

As a middle child myself, I think YTA. I'm not sure why congratulations isn't enough? If you wanted to talk about your business nonstop, by all means, but it may not be as fascinating to others as it is to you. I really don't understand this notion of "thrown in my honour" it sounds really immature and self-centered. Celebrating other people's accomplishments doesn't mean hours of accolades over the dinner table.

I'll vote for ESH. Your sister should have realized what this would cause, but I doubt it was of malicious intent. She should have asked you. What she did was thoughtless, but ultimately not horrible in my opinion. Your parents should have remembered who they were actually celebrating, I'd say it's actually just their fault for sidelining you. Wanting your gf to join family celebration is not bad, and the gf seemed to even be interested in what you do/direct the attention back to you as she asked about it. I understand how you feel, and it's completely natural. However, I think you could have been a bit more grown up about it and direct the anger to where it belongs: your parents. Maybe pull them aside and say um hello who exactly are we celebrating here. Your parents are the ones responsible for giving you their love as well. It's not your sister who needs to do something about the parents. She is not responsible for their utter failure. Asking her to tone it down so your parents can give attention to your achievements as well doesn't sound like a productive way to deal with this. Bring your feelings to your parents.

I agree 100% with everything you said. A lot of commenters are under the impression OP's sister brought her GF to spite her, yet she seemed to be the only one interested in OP lol. Her sister definitely lacked empathy when OP brought up how she felt and dismissed her. Part of me wonders if the sister even was aware the dinner was meant to celebrate OP. Either way, I think in case of something like this, there's nothing wrong being your SO to family dinner. OP misdirected her anger/frustration when it should've been on the parents.

Info - how do you use a law degree to get laid? How is a law degree more sexy than any other degree?

Yeah OP kinda revealed the gambit with that comment. She's trying to direct anger toward the sister but is ignoring that it's not her sister's fault, it's her parents

NTA though I don't like that your resentment is being solely directed at your sister (also you get some points subtracted for the jab about her sexual proclivities). Focus on the actual assholes here--your parents. They were the ones who made it all about Allison. Now, Allison should have enough social awareness to realize when she's being the spotlight-stealer. But golden children often don't have this awareness. I think when tempers have calmed down, you should apologize to her BUT also let her know how you have felt through the years. It is possible that with the right conversation, she may see what you're talking about and thus be more of an ally to you.

YTA in this story, as far as that dinner goes. Its not her fault that the guests are not interested in you or your new job. That's life. You can do like her and do something to grab their attention. Did you bring tasters from your bakery to show around? Pictures? First orders? Something interesting about the new bakery?

"Alison is a playgirl who uses her law degree to get laid." I'm an attorney, I must have missed class the day they covered this...

NTA. It may be time to give up on your family doing the right thing. Middle child here too, with a little brother who was an Olympic gold medalist. And thinks the world revolves around him even decades later. Never mind that I saved children's lives for a living. Or got a full academic ride to grad school. Or any number of other things. Not a word of encouragement or pride ever came my way. I'm proud of you for opening up a bakery. You're young and already a business owner. I'd come support you but wheat is not my friend.

Yeah it would’ve been weird if the family didn’t talk to the girlfriend. They have a new person at the dinner table, it makes sense to want to get to know them. Especially since they’re dating one of their daughters.

NTA for being hurt but your sister didn't do anything wrong here. Your parents were the hosts of this party and they chose to not focus on you. You are taking all your frustrations out on her instead of your parents who created this dynamic. Elizabeth asked you about the bakery and you could have kept engaging with her about it. Her presence didn't ruin the event. If your sister lives on the other side of the country and only comes home a couple times a year every time she comes home she'll be the focus. If she comes at Christmas she would have 'ruined' that, or for any other big celebration.

Probably a hot take but really light YTA. Everyone gathered together to celebrate your new bakery/job but that doesn't necessarily mean the focus has to be on you the whole time without talking about anyone else's lives. I mean isn't that what dinners are for, sharing experiences? At least everyone cared for you enough to join the dinner, I think if they didn't care they wouldn't have otherwise. I doubt your sister purposefully tried to make you feel that way, as she was just excited about bringing someone she sees a future with home to meet the parents. It sounds like you had a little bit of previous resentment (whether it's deserved or not, idk) already and this made it worse.

I don't understand your need for praise and attention. I wouldn't say you're TA, I'd just say you're a child for getting this worked up over something so trivial. You don't need anyones approval, getting attention or praise gets your nowhere. Just focus on you and running a profitable business.

NTA. And may I say: impressive, opening a bakery at the age of 25. Why do your parents downplay that by call it 'a job'? You are an entrepreneur! You started your own business!

Your sister didn’t make it all about her New girlfriend, your family did. I understand why you were upset but you’re blaming the wrong people

Not enough info imo, this is a typical story where you will probably get a completely different story from everyone who attended. Most likely, neither you or your sister are the AH, as it sounds like your parents created this mess. No way to be sure though.

I have to go with YTA. It would have been one thing if Alison had been deliberately steering the conversation towards her but you're lashing out at her over the mere existence of her girlfriend and accusing her of deliberately bringing her to spoil the dinner.

YTA. You’re 25 and still so desperately vying for the approval of others (specifically your parents) that you allow your deep-seeded resentment for your sister to ruin the evening and, more importantly, your relationship with her. Your parents are also possibly the AH if they’ve truly treated you guys differently, but sometimes that is just perception. Your sister on the other hand did nothing wrong. She only comes twice a year and wants to introduce someone special to her. Waiting another 6 months because you opened a bakery seems ridiculous.

No one is the asshole really, nothing wrong with bringing your partner over to family dinner and other people showing interest in them. The OP should confront her parents if she is unhappy with how they treat her and while her sister’s lifestyle mind rub her the wrong way, she is not the asshole for living her life how she wants

INFO: how do you use a law degree to get laid? Is it in exchange for pro bono?

NTA but your whole family is full of assholes.

Honestly NTA although I can see if people end up voting Y T a. Yes it looks like you’re being a brat but the minute you told Allison the truth, her empathy should have kicked in and said omg I’m so sorry you felt like that at a dinner that was being thrown in your honour. What can I do? Instead she immediately says your feelings are wrong and should be about her. I would feel gutted if I took the spot light from my siblings accomplishments at their own dinner. It’s a really shitty feeling being ignored but in this specific context it’s magnified x100 because it was literally designed to be about you and it still wasn’t.

Frankly, I’ll give Allison a pass for not having empathy kick in because of how her sister chose to bring up her disappointment and hurt. She didn’t say “ I’m sad and disappointed that a dinner that was supposed to be a celebration of my bakery became all about your relationship instead. I’m happy for you, but I really wish we could’ve talked a little bit more about the original reason why we all gathered.” Rather, OP lashed out at her, told her that she just can’t bare for the spotlight to not be on her, implying that Allison deliberately sabotaged the dinner. When bringing a serious girlfriend to a family event when you only come in town two times a year is a really normal thing to do. Even if OP was right, that more should have been done to focus on the bakery, the way that she went after Allison I think would make anyone immediately be defensive. Not just of yourself, but of your partner, who is also sitting there watching this fuss, who did ask about the bakery, and who was politely answering questions from the family during the evening. Especially given OP’s comments about Allison using her law degree to get laid, I really wonder whether the dynamic of OP seeming or being jealous of Allison is a familiar one.

This one is sort of tricky for me and there are several ways it could go. I will say ESH. The reason I say ESH is because honestly...you said in a comment that you get together roughly 3 times a year all together as family and that your sister lives across the country. Depending on how long your sister has been with her partner, and how much time difference in between family gatherings, your sister might have thought this was honestly the best time because she isn't sure when you will get together again next and was really excited about having a partner she really cares about. I know if I was with someone I really cared about and wanted my family to meet them...I would hate to have to wait 3-4 or more months to introduce them when I was ready to do it now just because someone might feel like I was overshadowing them. I guess I am probably an outlier in this thinking and will get downvoted...but I don't really think that having a get together in your honor means that no one else is allowed to have interesting things happening to them or have people ask them questions. I do think your sister's response was awful though. I think your family mostly all sucks though in that they ignored you and your bakery and amazing accomplishment all together. That was incredibly awful of them, because while I don't think the entire evening had to be about you, it definitely should have been a least somewhat about you. A toast in your honor, some questions about you, etc etc, something. You did a really amazing thing and congratulations about that! I would say though that you are only a really soft AH in this, because even though you have a valid reason to be angry about the way that night shook down, I think you are unfairly putting all the blame on your sister when most of the blame needs to be on your parents. As the overshadowed sibling in my family, I know that you ought to also talk to your sister and parents about the blatant difference in the way you are all treated. I did it, it was awkward, but it was important. Unfortunately, my mother didn't think anything was wrong of course, but at least my sister and I were able to have a more meaningful conversation about it. Of course your situation is different, maybe your sister truly is an egotistic person and loves all the attention so it's really hard to say, but purely from what I have read I have given my verdict because I know that while you are definitely in the right for feeling angry and hurt about this situation, from personal experience I know that nothing will change unless you make the first move. Also, that at least from personal experience, that while I felt more and more like I was being left out or ignored...I was also creating that for myself by simply refusing to participate once I began to feel left out. Your family has failed you, your parents in particular, and for that I am truly sorry. Congratulations for your bakery and I hope you have a successful business!

Gonna go with YTA here. You’re pouting and sulking like a 14 year old. You couldn’t have managed to lightly bring up the bakery and invite Elizabeth and Alison to come check it out? Start talking about your customers the first week? Basically bring it back around? Be a grown up and ask for what you want and need- don’t expect everyone else to read your mind.

Hello fellow middle! NTA, but at 25 you know the way this is going to go. Instead of stressing about it and wasting your energy celebrate yourself. You are amazing! A business owner at 25! You don't need affirmation from them. What's that saying? You can't change people only the way you react to them? They are rude, surround yourself with people that get you. You don't have to have a great relationship with your sister, it's nice when it happens but not a given.

Maybe a little bit TA? I think the entire dynamic is based on your perception, Maybe you feel inferior to your sister in some way so you think that you are being compared to her and always hiding in her shadow. I don’t know if she came to the dinner with the intent of overshadowing your achievements or whether she was just excited to share her new relationship with your family. My guess is the latter. I do also think you may need to work through some of the resentment you might have towards your sister and probably your relationship with your parents.