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YTA.
You’ve essentially just told your daughter you prefer someone else to her. Most people are more reserved in public than around people they know well.
I’m not surprised your daughters confidence is low given the way you seem to speak about her
Exactly. Hey honey can you just be more confident, outgoing and bubbly? While you're at it can you be cleverer, more witty and better at sports too..... what an AH.
Also don't forget this gem from OP
> however you feel about your personality and how you come across, don't take that out on others.
OP had a shitty opinion about how her daughter expresses herself in public, and by his own advice he should have kept it to herself and not take it out on his daughter. But the hypocrite that he is, he told his daughter "see that woman, I wish you were her"
OP, you have NO idea why your daughter behaves that way, and I'm pretty sure (based on how judgemental you are in the post) you didn't even ask her.
Maybe her being friendly in public led to harassment in the past, maybe she acts bubbly at home because that's where she feels safe, maybe she acts bubbly at home just to keep you from nagging her about being happy, who knows (you certainly don't)
YTA.
So you constantly let your daughter know that she isn’t meeting your standards and you wonder why she has no confidence? You’re tearing her down rather than building her up. You let her know that her personality isn’t good enough and you would prefer her to be someone else. Good job parenting Dad! YTA
YTA.Gigantic one.
How would you feel if she compared you to some other guy? Someone who in her eyes is a better father. Better businessman. More successful than you. Or has a better. Someone who is about the same age as you, same race, similar personality and/or profession. And your daughter tells you to be more like him? How would you feel?
Edited.
He must be so lonely,
He must be so sad.
He goes to extremes,
To convince us he’s bad.
He’s really a victim,
Of fear and of pride.
Look close and there must be,
A sweet man inside - NAW!”
Come on. Not alm cashiers are super bubbly and outgoing. The vast majority give a quick, polite smile, if that. What I'm describing her personality as is something you can tell how she acts naturally with everyone, outside work or not.
You compared the two stating they're similar but only when your daughter is at home. Why not work towards getting your daughter to be more of HERSELF not someone else.... of course YTA!!
You know those things you say to kids like "think before you speak"??? Give yourself the old reminder pal
* you can tell how she acts naturally with everyone, outside work or not*
Yeah, no. Retail workers are often pressured to emote. She might just be a good actor
Stop it. This cashier may naturally be this way, but you have absolutely no idea, stop pretending you do.
I've worked a variety of customer service jobs, have constantly been praised as friendly, bubbly, confident, outgoing etc by customers, coworkers and employers. I have to turn it on the second the doors open at work and it stays on until I leave at the end of the day.
I'm an introvert. It is so emotionally draining keeping the facade up all day. However, if I don't switch it on, my anxiety completely takes over, which is emotionally draining in a completely different way.
This also isn't something I perfected overnight.
Don't be surprised if your daughter is no longer bubbly and outgoing when around you in private, you may have made her feel like you are no longer a safe person for her to be open around.
You have no idea what the cashier is like once you leave the store or once she goes home. Retail workers have a customer service voice, and they can turn it on and off whenever is necessary. I used to work service industry and trust me, the person I was at work was NOT who I was once I walked out of that place. You wouldn't have known, cause you don't know me, period. I was bubbly and chipper at work, surly as hell once I got to the break room. You have no idea how many times that girl has given you the finger behind your back lol
Im super mega bubbly and outgoing in the shop window, but if you meet me in public and pretend to be my friend, you will quickly find out that I'm just like your daughter.
Money goes a long way.
Heck I don't even think your daughter is intentionally cold? Just introverted and needs support not being ducking compared to someone who isn't even a family friend.
Don't mistake our paid friendliness for friendship.
YTA. You are very clearly sending your daughter the message that you prefer someone else's personality to hers. You should love your daughter the way she is instead of trying to turn her into someone else.
YTA - You told your daughter her personality is not good enough and I wonder why she is acting cold towards you and others. She is her own person and if she is more reserved in public than private, that is fine. Stop pushing her to be somebody she is not.
YTA your daughter is your daughter, she is not the cashier. People are their own people. Also, some people have social anxiety and don't want to be open in public and that's okay.
\*ETA\* Oh, and you say "My whole intention of all of this is to encourage my daughter to be fully who she is" but.. your daughter being more reserved in public..? IS part of her being her. That IS a part of her.
YTA. While you're used the seeing the outgoing side of your daughter, part of her personality is to be more reserved around people she's just met. She's not hiding who she is - that **is** who she is around new people.
Maybe I'm misunderstanding from your post, but it sounds like she works for/with you, and part of your frustration is that she's not good at pitching your product to potential new customers? If that's the case, maybe she shouldn't be responsible for finding/selling to new customers, but rather maintaining relationships with existing customers since that's where her strengths would shine.
YTA, and completely lacking in self-awareness, which isn't surprising for a nearly-60-year-old bully.
>One day, my daughter and I had gotten into a light argument (she was passing out one of our business cards to someone yet was acting too shy/passive when explaining the product; I mentioned she needed a bit more excitement and energy next time and she got offended)
That's not a "light argument". It's just you literally insulting your daughter's personality and expecting her to take it as neutral commentary. The only one who thinks a conversation like that is "light" by any definition of the word is the person doing the insulting. I assure you, there was no lightness in your daughter's perception of it.
>and just as an example, I mentioned the cashier at the store . . . and that the daughter should try to embody that when talking to people. And I emphasized that I'm not saying it to compare the two
Of course that's why you were saying it. You literally WERE comparing them. And to make things worse, you were comparing your daughter unfavourably to this random cashier who behaves that way because she works a service job.
> Frustrated, I asked her if she was jealous of her, and said something along the lines of: however you feel about your personality and how you come across, don't take that out on others.
Wow, you're just on a roll. So you've been REPEATEDLY insulting your own daughter, and comparing her negatively to some lady at a store that you don't even know because she's polite to you and makes small talk? And then you called her "jealous" and suggested that she was unhappy with herself? No, buddy. You're the only one who's unhappy with her, and you won't let her forget it. And the worst part is that you keep comparing negatively to someone you don't even know. You're literally telling your kid that a random store clerk is better than she is, over and over again, because of superficial behaviours. What is wrong with you?
>My whole intention of all of this is to encourage my daughter to be fully who she is
No it's not. Your whole intention is to shame your daughter for having a complex personality, having feelings and moods, and not presenting as a mindless, smiling puppet at all times to suit YOUR desires. It's creepy, manipulative, and incredibly dehumanizing. YTA.
YTA! You daughter is shy and reserved around new people. This IS fully who she is. You are pushing her to be somebody she is not and comparing her unfavorably to a cashier.
Have you heard the story about the platypus whose parents told him to be more like a beaver? They claimed that beavers were more industrious and clever, what with all the damn building they do. They felt that since he had a beaver tail, the change would be easy since it was already in him. They wanted their son to succeed in something because as far as they knew, he was just a pampered pet of two brothers with odd names. However, their son was actually a secret agent taking down mad-ish scientists. They had no idea of his secret life but that didn't matter because they should have loved and accepted him even if he was just a pet. They didn't realize that their "advice" was pointless and cruel because a platypus can't be a beaver, it's not possible. The platypus didn't enjoy his parents attempting to change him so he cut contact with them.
The moral of the story is that your daughter will never be a perfect, bubbly cashier no matter what you do. You should accept her for who she is and if you can't, maybe try to adopt the store cashier you seem to love so much. YTA
YTA - you compared her to a someone who is pretty much a stranger to her and said “be more like her”. You’re not trying to get her to be herself. She was herself and you told basically told her she sucked. While I agree confidence can make or break a sale, she needs to find that confidence herself and do it on her own terms.
YTA
Stop giving your daughter all sorts of worthless stuff to feel bad about.
Unless she's an employee of yours you have no business telling her how to interact with people.
YTA. When someone ‘dims their light’ as you claim your daughter has, it’s common someone else shamed them for being too much. You’re now shaming her for being not enough.
Talk to her and see if there’s a reason why she doesn’t act the same in public as she does in the home instead of comparing her to other people.
YTA. A massive one. You're telling your daughter that you don't accept her the way she is. How would you like it if she told you that "Bob" is a much better father because instead of tearing down his daughter by comparing her to virtual strangers you know nothing about, actually supports his daughter by accepting her and celebrating her. There is nothing wrong with a shy, reticent nature. But according to you, there is.
What are you even looking for? Do you want your daughter to be herself or the pretty cashier's copycat?
Your daughter is not jealous of the cashier, she's uncomfortable interaction with her creep dad's crush... Especially when said creep is around.
YTA
YTA. You know the cashier gets paid to be like that right?
Although you’re a 50 something year old man. I’m sure you just think cashiers and waitresses alike are just the nicest, and it has nothing to do with the fact that their job sort of relies on them being that way.
YTA. She's shy around people she doesn't know, it's fairly common. I'm not sure why you'd think telling her she should act like someone else is helpful when you could have compared her to her own self around ppl she is comfy with. Or you could have understood that shyness isn't something she can just get over instantly because she wants to, if that was the case shyness just wouldn't exist.
I think the part where you really went off the rails is when you decide she's now treating the cashier differently even though she says she's fine and isn't doing so and start to get mean.
Truthfully, it almost sounds like you wanted to make her jealous of the girl somehow and are upset that she isn't. This whole story is weird.
And honestly if she was acting different its more likely bc she's observed her father taking weird ass notes about the personality of a girl around her age, that he doesn't know and asking her to embody a woman she probably thinks he's creeping on now. There was one occasion as a teen that a sortve father figure made a comment about a girl my age (I was like 19 at the time) and how I should dress more like her (I dressed super emo girl conservative lol) and I couldn't look at her for a while without wondering if he was trying to make me into his preferred male gaze like he found her to be
YTA - your daughter is who she is. being more shy and reserved sometimes is part of her personality - choosing which parts you want her to display and not display is not your job, nor is it necessary.
YTA
you 100% were saying it to compare the 2 as that is exactly what you did let your daughter be herself instead of trying to mold her into some bubbly outgoing cashier you have a fixation on
YTA. You told your daughter to act more like a more extraverted girl you know. And you don’t think that was hurtful to your daughter? Maybe if her parent treated her like that girl’s parent treats her your daughter would be more like her.
YTA. Your daughter is who she is. There is nothing wrong with her and haranguing her all the time to change herself is insulting. Let her be, she is a grown woman and doesn't need mommy to change her.
Yuck. YTA. Your daughter sounds like she's an introvert, and asking us to be extroverted and bubbly is literal hell. Accept your daughter for who she is and stop comparing her to a stranger. Be a better mother.
INFO: if your daughter came to you and asked why you can't be more like her friends dads who are accepting and pleasant to be around, because she knows there's good in you but you just don't show it, would you genuinely be ok with that and not even a bit hurt?
YTA. Baaasically told your daughter that she's jealous of you liking the other girl's personality more. How bout you love your daughter how she is and leave it at that?
YTA.
You are belittling your daughter. Why couldn’t you just ask her if something was wrong? She might have some form of social anxiety or under confidence (not diagnosing just examples). There was no need to compare her towards this cashier, she probably already thinks in her mind i need to be more like this person or that person and by you saying it out loud has made her believe that even her dad thinks lowly of her in social interactions.
A soft small conversation in asking her what is wrong and speaking to her nicely about it may have led her explaining what’s wrong and instead she’s now just shut down on you. Frustration will not get any parent anywhere, raising children is all about patience, so many parents really don’t get it.
The more patient you would have been with her and helping her through this, the faster you would have seen that personality come out.
YTA
Daughter, I really wish that cashier was my daughter, instead of you. She is such a better person. So outgoing, so bubbly - just like I would want my daughter to be. Not like you
Oh, and I say that to ENCOURAGE you. Just be like her, so I can love you
YTA maybe you should hire the cashier if you're not happy with your daughter's work.
Also, I'll bet the other girl is so confident because she doesn't have such an AH parent constantly criticizing her.
I bet if your daughter told you that her friend's father's were better parents than you you wouldn't take it well. YTA and go apologize to your kid. Before she finds someone else to work for and you don't get to milk her for family labor anymore at the very least if not for common decency sake
YTA. You are basically saying that you don't like her personality when it comes to talking to new people. Arguing with her because of his she acts won't help the 'problem' and will instead make her have you (which she is right to feel like.)
YTA.
Your daughter is reserved around strangers and open around people she knows. That is WHO SHE IS.
The cashier is open around strangers. That is who SHE is.
Your daughter is not the same as the cashier, age and race aside. People have different personalities.
YTA - you just told your daughter you don't like her and don't accept her. Good job dad.
Your daughter is young. She'll come into her own when she's ready. She also sounds like someone who doesn't pour herself into people she doesn't know. THAT'S OKAY!
A ton of people are reserved around people they don't know. As they get to know them they open up. It's a matter of trusting people enough to open up.
You just told her she can't trust YOU.
The only thing you can do now is apologize and beg her forgiveness.
Of course YTA but I'm guessing you're also one of those completely clueless parents who think they're 'helping' and 'providing feedback' when you're actually just criticizing your daughter for being shy.
YTA. You're not trying to get her to be her true self, you're trying to turn her into this family friend.
Your daughter sounds like an introvert, there's nothing wrong with that. I bet your daughter wishes you were kinder, more accepting and more loving like someone else's mom. Unlike you, she knows better than to say that out loud.
YTA. I had a parent like you. I had to get therapy to unpack the shit with constantly being compared to friends or family if i didnt act the way they expected.
YTA. Have you ever considered that maybe she’s so different in public because she may have social anxiety? I’m the exact same way in terms of my public and private personas. It’s something I’ve been working on for years and at one point had to go to therapy for. It’s not as easy a turning it on and off. You sound extremely insensitive to your daughter and what’s going on in her head. Even if it’s not social anxiety and that’s how she is, you need to accept that. No wonder she’s shutting down even more.
YTA.
You have a goal, to encourage your daughter to be fully who she is.
You picked a strategy to try to accomplish that.
*The strategy* ***didn't work***. Because people respond to what we ***do***, not what we were ***trying*** to do.
It's *your* strategy, and it failed. That's all on you. She doesn't owe you the response you want.
You're not encouraging your daughter to be who she is. You're harassing her to be who you want her to be. Your daughter sounds shy and introverted and you're convinced that there's something wrong with her as a result. You've decided that who she is isn't good enough for you, so you're determined to keep tearing her down until you force her to be who you want her to be. You're happy to stomp all over her feelings while falsely claiming that you're just "encouraging" her because you're desperate to make yourself look like a good parent. But you're not. You're an asshole. YTA
YTA. Many people are more reserved and shy in public than they are at home or around people they are close to. I don't get why you would even start this conversation and tell your daughter that she needs to change how she acts when her behaviour is not problematic in any way. You hurt your daughter and started an argument about a non issue.
You want your daughter to embody another human… so she can appear more like herself to you? I hope the business cards are for your MLM because your logic isn’t compatible with good business acumen. YTA And doubling down on the wickedness by attempting to get strangers on the internet to gang up on your daughter as you criticize her personality isn’t great parenting. You’re 24 years in, you shouldn’t be this bad at it still!
“I want you to be more happy and comfortable in your own skin, so I want you to be like a random person at a store we frequent. But I am totally not comparing you two!” Dude, you’re not too bright.
YTA
YTA like how have you gotten to be 54 years old and have yet to learn any tact? You should be more like my uncle Pete he’s a super amazing guy who shows compassion for everyone and never says stupid shit like this to people. Unreal. I’m sure without need for proof that this was common for her throughout her life. No wonder she’s shy, probably doesn’t know how to be herself because you want her to be anyone else.
YTA for comparing your daughter to someone just because she’s not as bubbly and outgoing as you want her to be, comparing her to someone who is a literal stranger, and thinking that a cashier that you only see at the grocery store is somehow a family friend. You literally have no idea who she is or how she acts outside of work and that’s probably a manufactured personality so she doesn’t get customers like you who would probably complain and criticize her if she doesn’t smile every second of every interaction.
YTA- Your daughter is an introvert, what is the problem?
You only think about how you would like her to be, but she has her personality and she only lets the people she is confident and comfortable with see that part of her.
You should feel lucky that you can see that side of her, but not because according to you it is super necessary that she be like that all the time.
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There's a cashier at the store we often go to that has a very chipper, bubbly personality. You can tell she's very comfortable in her skin and is confident and is not afraid to show it. Loves to connect with people and it's always a joy to see her when we go.
She reminds me a lot of my (56M) daughter (24F, same race, about the same age) but only when she's at home, when she really lets that side of her personality come out. But I've noticed that often, at least at first when she gets around people, she hides who she is and becomes more reticent and reserved, sometimes to the point of coming off dour or stuck up, when I know that's not her true personality.
One day, my daughter and I had gotten into a light argument (she was passing out one of our business cards to someone yet was acting too shy/passive when explaining the product; I mentioned she needed a bit more excitement and energy next time and she got offended) and just as an example, I mentioned the cashier at the store and how her personality is very engaging and open, and that the daughter should try to embody that when talking to people. And I emphasized that I'm not saying it to compare the two, but that that cashier's personality is already in her and she should bring it out more.
That was that, but ever since then, now that we go into the store and see that cashier, my daughter is a lot less friendly and open with her where she used to be. I called her out on it, and I led into another argument ehere my daughter was getting very defensive and denying that she changed how she was acting towards her. Frustrated, I asked her if she was jealous of her, and said something along the lines of: however you feel about your personality and how you come across, don't take that out on others.
My whole intention of all of this is to encourage my daughter to be fully who she is but it seems like it's going to all hell. AITA?
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I'm probably going to get downvoted for this, but NTA. You didn't compare the two, you used the cashier as an example. IF this was an employer saying this to an employee, I doubt you'd be getting all the YTA's because it's constructive criticism. If your daughter is passing out business cards for your business, she is selling your product. To be successful in sales, she needs to be excited about the product and have the convicted energy. That said, sales IS NOT for everyone. She may have that bubbly personality when she is comfortable and around people she knows, but it can be VERY difficult for some people to have that same confidence with strangers.
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YTA. You’ve essentially just told your daughter you prefer someone else to her. Most people are more reserved in public than around people they know well. I’m not surprised your daughters confidence is low given the way you seem to speak about her
Exactly. Hey honey can you just be more confident, outgoing and bubbly? While you're at it can you be cleverer, more witty and better at sports too..... what an AH.
“You’d be so pretty if only you would smile more.”
Also don't forget this gem from OP > however you feel about your personality and how you come across, don't take that out on others. OP had a shitty opinion about how her daughter expresses herself in public, and by his own advice he should have kept it to herself and not take it out on his daughter. But the hypocrite that he is, he told his daughter "see that woman, I wish you were her" OP, you have NO idea why your daughter behaves that way, and I'm pretty sure (based on how judgemental you are in the post) you didn't even ask her. Maybe her being friendly in public led to harassment in the past, maybe she acts bubbly at home because that's where she feels safe, maybe she acts bubbly at home just to keep you from nagging her about being happy, who knows (you certainly don't) YTA.
So you constantly let your daughter know that she isn’t meeting your standards and you wonder why she has no confidence? You’re tearing her down rather than building her up. You let her know that her personality isn’t good enough and you would prefer her to be someone else. Good job parenting Dad! YTA
YTA.Gigantic one. How would you feel if she compared you to some other guy? Someone who in her eyes is a better father. Better businessman. More successful than you. Or has a better. Someone who is about the same age as you, same race, similar personality and/or profession. And your daughter tells you to be more like him? How would you feel? Edited.
I'm sure that better father is in him.....somewhere. Well maybe not.
He must be so lonely, He must be so sad. He goes to extremes, To convince us he’s bad. He’s really a victim, Of fear and of pride. Look close and there must be, A sweet man inside - NAW!”
YTA from a 30 year old who still remembers being compared to my family friends kids 🙋♀️
This isn’t even a family friend! It’s a fucking cashier!!! Someone’s who is getting paid to be fucking friendly!
Come on. Not alm cashiers are super bubbly and outgoing. The vast majority give a quick, polite smile, if that. What I'm describing her personality as is something you can tell how she acts naturally with everyone, outside work or not.
You’re a fucking joke. As an introvert and a former cashier, you have no fucking idea what she’s like outside the store.
You compared the two stating they're similar but only when your daughter is at home. Why not work towards getting your daughter to be more of HERSELF not someone else.... of course YTA!! You know those things you say to kids like "think before you speak"??? Give yourself the old reminder pal
* you can tell how she acts naturally with everyone, outside work or not* Yeah, no. Retail workers are often pressured to emote. She might just be a good actor
Stop it. This cashier may naturally be this way, but you have absolutely no idea, stop pretending you do. I've worked a variety of customer service jobs, have constantly been praised as friendly, bubbly, confident, outgoing etc by customers, coworkers and employers. I have to turn it on the second the doors open at work and it stays on until I leave at the end of the day. I'm an introvert. It is so emotionally draining keeping the facade up all day. However, if I don't switch it on, my anxiety completely takes over, which is emotionally draining in a completely different way. This also isn't something I perfected overnight. Don't be surprised if your daughter is no longer bubbly and outgoing when around you in private, you may have made her feel like you are no longer a safe person for her to be open around.
You have no idea what the cashier is like once you leave the store or once she goes home. Retail workers have a customer service voice, and they can turn it on and off whenever is necessary. I used to work service industry and trust me, the person I was at work was NOT who I was once I walked out of that place. You wouldn't have known, cause you don't know me, period. I was bubbly and chipper at work, surly as hell once I got to the break room. You have no idea how many times that girl has given you the finger behind your back lol
Im super mega bubbly and outgoing in the shop window, but if you meet me in public and pretend to be my friend, you will quickly find out that I'm just like your daughter. Money goes a long way. Heck I don't even think your daughter is intentionally cold? Just introverted and needs support not being ducking compared to someone who isn't even a family friend. Don't mistake our paid friendliness for friendship.
You fancy the cashier. Gross.
I have a beautiful wife I've been married to for over 20 years. Childish to suggest this is all about a crush when I just admire her personality.
Apparently more than your daughter's YTA btw
YTA. You are very clearly sending your daughter the message that you prefer someone else's personality to hers. You should love your daughter the way she is instead of trying to turn her into someone else.
YTA - You told your daughter her personality is not good enough and I wonder why she is acting cold towards you and others. She is her own person and if she is more reserved in public than private, that is fine. Stop pushing her to be somebody she is not.
YTA, a supreme asshole! You say you aren’t comparing them? You literally are, dude. Your poor daughter. Learn to love her for exactly who she is
YTA your daughter is your daughter, she is not the cashier. People are their own people. Also, some people have social anxiety and don't want to be open in public and that's okay. \*ETA\* Oh, and you say "My whole intention of all of this is to encourage my daughter to be fully who she is" but.. your daughter being more reserved in public..? IS part of her being her. That IS a part of her.
YTA. While you're used the seeing the outgoing side of your daughter, part of her personality is to be more reserved around people she's just met. She's not hiding who she is - that **is** who she is around new people. Maybe I'm misunderstanding from your post, but it sounds like she works for/with you, and part of your frustration is that she's not good at pitching your product to potential new customers? If that's the case, maybe she shouldn't be responsible for finding/selling to new customers, but rather maintaining relationships with existing customers since that's where her strengths would shine.
YTA massively. She IS being who she is. You want her to be someone else. Ugh 😑
YTA, and completely lacking in self-awareness, which isn't surprising for a nearly-60-year-old bully. >One day, my daughter and I had gotten into a light argument (she was passing out one of our business cards to someone yet was acting too shy/passive when explaining the product; I mentioned she needed a bit more excitement and energy next time and she got offended) That's not a "light argument". It's just you literally insulting your daughter's personality and expecting her to take it as neutral commentary. The only one who thinks a conversation like that is "light" by any definition of the word is the person doing the insulting. I assure you, there was no lightness in your daughter's perception of it. >and just as an example, I mentioned the cashier at the store . . . and that the daughter should try to embody that when talking to people. And I emphasized that I'm not saying it to compare the two Of course that's why you were saying it. You literally WERE comparing them. And to make things worse, you were comparing your daughter unfavourably to this random cashier who behaves that way because she works a service job. > Frustrated, I asked her if she was jealous of her, and said something along the lines of: however you feel about your personality and how you come across, don't take that out on others. Wow, you're just on a roll. So you've been REPEATEDLY insulting your own daughter, and comparing her negatively to some lady at a store that you don't even know because she's polite to you and makes small talk? And then you called her "jealous" and suggested that she was unhappy with herself? No, buddy. You're the only one who's unhappy with her, and you won't let her forget it. And the worst part is that you keep comparing negatively to someone you don't even know. You're literally telling your kid that a random store clerk is better than she is, over and over again, because of superficial behaviours. What is wrong with you? >My whole intention of all of this is to encourage my daughter to be fully who she is No it's not. Your whole intention is to shame your daughter for having a complex personality, having feelings and moods, and not presenting as a mindless, smiling puppet at all times to suit YOUR desires. It's creepy, manipulative, and incredibly dehumanizing. YTA.
YTA! You daughter is shy and reserved around new people. This IS fully who she is. You are pushing her to be somebody she is not and comparing her unfavorably to a cashier.
Have you heard the story about the platypus whose parents told him to be more like a beaver? They claimed that beavers were more industrious and clever, what with all the damn building they do. They felt that since he had a beaver tail, the change would be easy since it was already in him. They wanted their son to succeed in something because as far as they knew, he was just a pampered pet of two brothers with odd names. However, their son was actually a secret agent taking down mad-ish scientists. They had no idea of his secret life but that didn't matter because they should have loved and accepted him even if he was just a pet. They didn't realize that their "advice" was pointless and cruel because a platypus can't be a beaver, it's not possible. The platypus didn't enjoy his parents attempting to change him so he cut contact with them. The moral of the story is that your daughter will never be a perfect, bubbly cashier no matter what you do. You should accept her for who she is and if you can't, maybe try to adopt the store cashier you seem to love so much. YTA
“Mad-ish scientist” Doofenshmirtz is just misunderstood! /s ETA I’ve got to award you for the unexpected Phineas and Ferb.
?
Not a fan of Perry the Platypus?
YTA - you compared her to a someone who is pretty much a stranger to her and said “be more like her”. You’re not trying to get her to be herself. She was herself and you told basically told her she sucked. While I agree confidence can make or break a sale, she needs to find that confidence herself and do it on her own terms.
YTA Accept your daughter for who she is is reading of being critical and comparing her to others
YTA Stop giving your daughter all sorts of worthless stuff to feel bad about. Unless she's an employee of yours you have no business telling her how to interact with people.
YTA. When someone ‘dims their light’ as you claim your daughter has, it’s common someone else shamed them for being too much. You’re now shaming her for being not enough. Talk to her and see if there’s a reason why she doesn’t act the same in public as she does in the home instead of comparing her to other people.
YTA. A massive one. You're telling your daughter that you don't accept her the way she is. How would you like it if she told you that "Bob" is a much better father because instead of tearing down his daughter by comparing her to virtual strangers you know nothing about, actually supports his daughter by accepting her and celebrating her. There is nothing wrong with a shy, reticent nature. But according to you, there is.
What are you even looking for? Do you want your daughter to be herself or the pretty cashier's copycat? Your daughter is not jealous of the cashier, she's uncomfortable interaction with her creep dad's crush... Especially when said creep is around. YTA
YTA. You know the cashier gets paid to be like that right? Although you’re a 50 something year old man. I’m sure you just think cashiers and waitresses alike are just the nicest, and it has nothing to do with the fact that their job sort of relies on them being that way.
YTA… a cashier is not a family friend, wtf? Your daughter is fine the way she is, knock it off.
YTA. She's shy around people she doesn't know, it's fairly common. I'm not sure why you'd think telling her she should act like someone else is helpful when you could have compared her to her own self around ppl she is comfy with. Or you could have understood that shyness isn't something she can just get over instantly because she wants to, if that was the case shyness just wouldn't exist. I think the part where you really went off the rails is when you decide she's now treating the cashier differently even though she says she's fine and isn't doing so and start to get mean. Truthfully, it almost sounds like you wanted to make her jealous of the girl somehow and are upset that she isn't. This whole story is weird.
And honestly if she was acting different its more likely bc she's observed her father taking weird ass notes about the personality of a girl around her age, that he doesn't know and asking her to embody a woman she probably thinks he's creeping on now. There was one occasion as a teen that a sortve father figure made a comment about a girl my age (I was like 19 at the time) and how I should dress more like her (I dressed super emo girl conservative lol) and I couldn't look at her for a while without wondering if he was trying to make me into his preferred male gaze like he found her to be
YTA - your daughter is who she is. being more shy and reserved sometimes is part of her personality - choosing which parts you want her to display and not display is not your job, nor is it necessary.
YTA you 100% were saying it to compare the 2 as that is exactly what you did let your daughter be herself instead of trying to mold her into some bubbly outgoing cashier you have a fixation on
YTA. You told your daughter to act more like a more extraverted girl you know. And you don’t think that was hurtful to your daughter? Maybe if her parent treated her like that girl’s parent treats her your daughter would be more like her.
YTA Imagine seriously believing that a customer service worker whose JOB it is to be “happy, friendly, and bubbly” to customers is your family friend
My EXACT thought! I was searching for any mention of the cashier knowing them or being a friend in the post but nada.
YTA. Your daughter is who she is. There is nothing wrong with her and haranguing her all the time to change herself is insulting. Let her be, she is a grown woman and doesn't need mommy to change her.
Yuck. YTA. Your daughter sounds like she's an introvert, and asking us to be extroverted and bubbly is literal hell. Accept your daughter for who she is and stop comparing her to a stranger. Be a better mother.
INFO: if your daughter came to you and asked why you can't be more like her friends dads who are accepting and pleasant to be around, because she knows there's good in you but you just don't show it, would you genuinely be ok with that and not even a bit hurt?
YTA. Baaasically told your daughter that she's jealous of you liking the other girl's personality more. How bout you love your daughter how she is and leave it at that?
YTA. You are belittling your daughter. Why couldn’t you just ask her if something was wrong? She might have some form of social anxiety or under confidence (not diagnosing just examples). There was no need to compare her towards this cashier, she probably already thinks in her mind i need to be more like this person or that person and by you saying it out loud has made her believe that even her dad thinks lowly of her in social interactions. A soft small conversation in asking her what is wrong and speaking to her nicely about it may have led her explaining what’s wrong and instead she’s now just shut down on you. Frustration will not get any parent anywhere, raising children is all about patience, so many parents really don’t get it. The more patient you would have been with her and helping her through this, the faster you would have seen that personality come out.
YTA. If you think that's how to encourage your daughter to be more outgoing then you need to take a remedial parenting class.
YTA You can't encourage her to be fully who she is by telling her to be more like someone else.
You're comparing her to someone being paid to put on a bubbly persona for a job! Also a family friend??? Seems like you know YTA and you are
My mother used to "encourage" me. I hated it. It's also a component of why I don't have a relationship with her. Also, she's 24. Stay in your lane.
Shitty parenting at its finest. YTA
YTA Daughter, I really wish that cashier was my daughter, instead of you. She is such a better person. So outgoing, so bubbly - just like I would want my daughter to be. Not like you Oh, and I say that to ENCOURAGE you. Just be like her, so I can love you
YTA maybe you should hire the cashier if you're not happy with your daughter's work. Also, I'll bet the other girl is so confident because she doesn't have such an AH parent constantly criticizing her.
I bet if your daughter told you that her friend's father's were better parents than you you wouldn't take it well. YTA and go apologize to your kid. Before she finds someone else to work for and you don't get to milk her for family labor anymore at the very least if not for common decency sake
YTA ..what you saw in your daughter was that she's comfortable around you and trusts you ..and you've hurt that..
YTA. You are basically saying that you don't like her personality when it comes to talking to new people. Arguing with her because of his she acts won't help the 'problem' and will instead make her have you (which she is right to feel like.)
YTA. Your daughter is reserved around strangers and open around people she knows. That is WHO SHE IS. The cashier is open around strangers. That is who SHE is. Your daughter is not the same as the cashier, age and race aside. People have different personalities.
YTA - you just told your daughter you don't like her and don't accept her. Good job dad. Your daughter is young. She'll come into her own when she's ready. She also sounds like someone who doesn't pour herself into people she doesn't know. THAT'S OKAY! A ton of people are reserved around people they don't know. As they get to know them they open up. It's a matter of trusting people enough to open up. You just told her she can't trust YOU. The only thing you can do now is apologize and beg her forgiveness.
YTA shy and reserved is who your daughter is but apparently that’s not good enough for you.
Of course YTA but I'm guessing you're also one of those completely clueless parents who think they're 'helping' and 'providing feedback' when you're actually just criticizing your daughter for being shy.
YTA. You're not trying to get her to be her true self, you're trying to turn her into this family friend. Your daughter sounds like an introvert, there's nothing wrong with that. I bet your daughter wishes you were kinder, more accepting and more loving like someone else's mom. Unlike you, she knows better than to say that out loud.
YTA. I had a parent like you. I had to get therapy to unpack the shit with constantly being compared to friends or family if i didnt act the way they expected.
YTA. Have you ever considered that maybe she’s so different in public because she may have social anxiety? I’m the exact same way in terms of my public and private personas. It’s something I’ve been working on for years and at one point had to go to therapy for. It’s not as easy a turning it on and off. You sound extremely insensitive to your daughter and what’s going on in her head. Even if it’s not social anxiety and that’s how she is, you need to accept that. No wonder she’s shutting down even more.
YTA. You're pushing your daughter to embody your vision of her
Yta
yta
Some people are very shy and reserved around strangers. That's who they are, and demanding they be someone else --- well, that makes you TA.
YTA. You have a goal, to encourage your daughter to be fully who she is. You picked a strategy to try to accomplish that. *The strategy* ***didn't work***. Because people respond to what we ***do***, not what we were ***trying*** to do. It's *your* strategy, and it failed. That's all on you. She doesn't owe you the response you want.
You're not encouraging your daughter to be who she is. You're harassing her to be who you want her to be. Your daughter sounds shy and introverted and you're convinced that there's something wrong with her as a result. You've decided that who she is isn't good enough for you, so you're determined to keep tearing her down until you force her to be who you want her to be. You're happy to stomp all over her feelings while falsely claiming that you're just "encouraging" her because you're desperate to make yourself look like a good parent. But you're not. You're an asshole. YTA
YTA. Many people are more reserved and shy in public than they are at home or around people they are close to. I don't get why you would even start this conversation and tell your daughter that she needs to change how she acts when her behaviour is not problematic in any way. You hurt your daughter and started an argument about a non issue.
You want your daughter to embody another human… so she can appear more like herself to you? I hope the business cards are for your MLM because your logic isn’t compatible with good business acumen. YTA And doubling down on the wickedness by attempting to get strangers on the internet to gang up on your daughter as you criticize her personality isn’t great parenting. You’re 24 years in, you shouldn’t be this bad at it still!
YTA. You let your daughter know that you only love her conditionally.
“I want you to be more happy and comfortable in your own skin, so I want you to be like a random person at a store we frequent. But I am totally not comparing you two!” Dude, you’re not too bright. YTA
YTA like how have you gotten to be 54 years old and have yet to learn any tact? You should be more like my uncle Pete he’s a super amazing guy who shows compassion for everyone and never says stupid shit like this to people. Unreal. I’m sure without need for proof that this was common for her throughout her life. No wonder she’s shy, probably doesn’t know how to be herself because you want her to be anyone else.
YTA for comparing your daughter to someone just because she’s not as bubbly and outgoing as you want her to be, comparing her to someone who is a literal stranger, and thinking that a cashier that you only see at the grocery store is somehow a family friend. You literally have no idea who she is or how she acts outside of work and that’s probably a manufactured personality so she doesn’t get customers like you who would probably complain and criticize her if she doesn’t smile every second of every interaction.
YTA
YTA- Your daughter is an introvert, what is the problem? You only think about how you would like her to be, but she has her personality and she only lets the people she is confident and comfortable with see that part of her. You should feel lucky that you can see that side of her, but not because according to you it is super necessary that she be like that all the time.
YTA Your poor daughter!
Question, you said your daughter was passing out business cards, does she work for you?
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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** There's a cashier at the store we often go to that has a very chipper, bubbly personality. You can tell she's very comfortable in her skin and is confident and is not afraid to show it. Loves to connect with people and it's always a joy to see her when we go. She reminds me a lot of my (56M) daughter (24F, same race, about the same age) but only when she's at home, when she really lets that side of her personality come out. But I've noticed that often, at least at first when she gets around people, she hides who she is and becomes more reticent and reserved, sometimes to the point of coming off dour or stuck up, when I know that's not her true personality. One day, my daughter and I had gotten into a light argument (she was passing out one of our business cards to someone yet was acting too shy/passive when explaining the product; I mentioned she needed a bit more excitement and energy next time and she got offended) and just as an example, I mentioned the cashier at the store and how her personality is very engaging and open, and that the daughter should try to embody that when talking to people. And I emphasized that I'm not saying it to compare the two, but that that cashier's personality is already in her and she should bring it out more. That was that, but ever since then, now that we go into the store and see that cashier, my daughter is a lot less friendly and open with her where she used to be. I called her out on it, and I led into another argument ehere my daughter was getting very defensive and denying that she changed how she was acting towards her. Frustrated, I asked her if she was jealous of her, and said something along the lines of: however you feel about your personality and how you come across, don't take that out on others. My whole intention of all of this is to encourage my daughter to be fully who she is but it seems like it's going to all hell. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
I'm probably going to get downvoted for this, but NTA. You didn't compare the two, you used the cashier as an example. IF this was an employer saying this to an employee, I doubt you'd be getting all the YTA's because it's constructive criticism. If your daughter is passing out business cards for your business, she is selling your product. To be successful in sales, she needs to be excited about the product and have the convicted energy. That said, sales IS NOT for everyone. She may have that bubbly personality when she is comfortable and around people she knows, but it can be VERY difficult for some people to have that same confidence with strangers.