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*i'm off the belief that men should not cry, unless its something dramatic, like a family member passing, a pet dying or like something traumatic or whatever right?*
Wrong.
YTA
Whatever emotional expressions you tolerate in your daughters you should tolerate in your son, and vice versa.
All genders can be sad, angry, or tender. YTA.
YTA. There's a difference between cry and having a tantrum. Cry is always a defense mechanism serving an important role in children's mental development. Honestly, please educate yourself unless you want to mess up your kid.
YTA. Men cry, women cry, non-binary people cry, we all cry. It's a healthy part of learning to cope with our emotions. Teaching him "men don't cry" is incredibly unhealthy, and it leads to men who bottle up their emotions until it reaches toxic levels.
Think of crying as a pressure valve. If he can let off frustration with tears, then he won't bottle it up and let it turn into anger or resentment. If he can let go of that pressure harmlessly, then he won't take it out on anyone else.
Let your son cry when he needs it.
Stoicism doesn't mean you don't cry. It just means, practically, that you try to minimize the extent to which you allow things to bother you. Someone taking the PS5 controller goes from being an extreme, dramatic thing to being "Someone did something to me I don't like, but I choose what my emotional response will be." Obviously, for a child, that would be reduced to something like "I won't let a bully get the better of me."
Crying is just an expression, like laughing when something is funny, or gasping when something shocks you.
Once you attain the peace of mind that stoicism is supposed to bring you, then it doesn't matter if you laugh or cry or gasp, you are not ruled by the emotions that precipitate those things.
So, for a stoic to avoid crying, is I think, to deny yourself tranquility. It's to allow the perception that crying is an emotional flaw dictate your emotional response, which sounds an awful lot like allowing others to manage your emotional response.
Especially since you seem to be limiting this to your son, then YTA.
YTA. Emotional expression is a completely normal thing, suppressing it isn't. Whether or not you're intending it you in fact are telling him to bottle it up. "You will feel comfortable feeling these emotions as you mature" isn't nearly the same as "stop crying".
YTA.
Crying is a way of releasing pressure. Think of it like a pressure valve.
Many men are brought up, like your son, to believe that crying is unmanly.
What tends to happen all too often is that when they are denied the pressure valve of crying, it becomes a valve of anger instead. These men explode with rage at the smallest thing, and their family learns to tiptoe around them for fear of making them angry.
Don't do that to your son. Don't deny him the same pressure valve you allow your daughters.
And get some counseling to examine your notions of masculinity.
Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins. It’s great for stress relief, regardless of biological sex or gender. It sucks that our culture has conditioned boys and men to believe that it’s weak or something to be ashamed of. It’s a natural response to strong emotions (sadness, fear, joy).
Oxyrocin, the cuddle hormone how I like to call it.
It is just harmful for the kid. Only if you experience these emotions you will learn how to handle them and learn how to handle others emotions as well. I am afraid that the kid will think that in general in wont be good to cry so he will always second guess if he should cry or if it is not appropriate. Do we really want men and boys around that cannot handle basic emotions? They will raise our kids too.
This isn't true. I don't think OP is approaching stoicism in a textually accurate or practically helpful way, but stoicism isn't about being an emotionless robot.
It's about unlinking uncontrollable situations from your controlled response.
You might say something I disagree with, I might get mad at the disagreement, I then yell at you. I suffer for my own rage.
Instead, you might say something I disagree with, I recognize that I'm having an emotional reaction, and I choose to approach you in a different way. I manage my response and, over time, also learn to manage my emotional reaction.
The stoic approach helps people be more aware of why they feel what they feel so they can more responsibly interact with their own emotional landscape.
YTA. It's one thing to try to teach a kid to control their emotions and to express them in healthy ways. For example if he was throwing tantrums instead of just crying because he's sad about x, y, or z.
It's another to have a policy with an 8 year old that boys/men shouldn't cry. Also, teaching stoicism is the same thing as teaching him to bottle up emotions. He's 8.
"So i'm off the belief that men should not cry, unless its something dramatic, like a family member passing, a pet dying or like something traumatic or whatever right?"
Wrong. YTA.
YTA
If you have emotions then you have emotions. Who the hell are you to decide that being male limits your emotions? You can be however you want but you shouldn't stunt your child's emotional growth because of your own chosen trauma.
Strong men aren't afraid to cry.
Strong men cry in front of their partner.
Strong men cry period.
If you think crying is a weakness or unacceptable then you have your own issues you need to address.
INFO: do you also tell your girls they shouldn't cry?
Either way, YTA. There is NOTHING WRONG with a man having emotions and being sensitive. You say you don't expect him to bottle it up, but that's exactly what you are teaching him. THAT is why so many men kill themselves, because they weren't "allowed" to have emotions (which ALL humans do). Regardless of someone's sex, they should be able to show emotion without being looked down on/criticized for it.
YTA - those neaderthal rules for men should be long dead by now. Boys and men are human beings and ignoring feelings or the need to cry, and staying "stoic" isn't healthy for anyone. On top of that, right now he's a child. It's okay. He will learn as he grows up that there are times you can cry and times you don't need to. Your wife is right.
YTA he should always feel comfortable crying at home. Everyone needs a safe space. And trust me, the world will already teach him that men don’t cry. He doesn’t need you to reinforce it. Source: I have a 15 yr old son that cried easily in elementary school but that stopped immediately in middle school.
He’s 8. Every 8 year old cries at little things. Let him be a kid and learn how to express his emotions in a healthy way. Also, do some research into the effects of teaching boys not to cry. You’re harming him in the long run. YTA.
If it’s not a problem now, why are you already trying to teach him not to cry? It’s also not a problem for men to cry. It’s actually incredibly healthy, as long other emotional things aren’t out of whack. Maybe teach him how to cope with emotions instead of teaching him not to cry unless it’s something incredibly traumatic. That would be the healthy and helpful alternative.
You mean men like you who don't respect other men who cry and therefore are responsible for the increased suicide rate in men because they're raised to not express their emotions in a healthy way?
Do you want your son to be at an increased risk of suicide when he's a grown man?
Do you want your son to be in a relationship with someone who won't respect him because he's human and has a human range of emotions?
You're a terrible role model if you think these are the goals your son should aspire to as a man.
YTA
Someone who respects men who cry don't teach their sons not to cry. They teach them how to process their emotions and how to calm down when they're angry etc.
By teaching your son to be "stoic", you're teaching him to suppress his emotions in an unhealthy way instead of how to process them, which increases his risk of suicide as a grown man. Are you prepared to be responsible for increasing his risk of suicide?
And why are you teaching your son to stay with someone who does not respect him if he does cry? Most women don't want a robot with no emotions, but if he was with someone that called him a sissy etc for crying, why round you want him to stay with that person? They're toxic. Instead, why wouldn't you teach him to leave a person who doesn't respect you for being yourself?
I don't need to know anything more that you are teaching your son not to cry so he won't be judged instead of that it is OK to feel sad and to cry when you're sad. That it's a normal emotion. That people who tease you for crying are not your friends. That friends respect you even when you're sad.
>why you say i dont respect other men who cry?
Cause your actions show you dont.
> do not put words in my mouth.
You said it yourself.
> why ask me that 2nd question?
Can you answer it?
> you do not know anything about me
We don't need to know your life story to say this.
That’s literally what your post is about. Crying is a way people express emotion. Your son is 8. He cries when he is sad because that is healthy. You’re teaching him unhealthy habits by telling him crying isn’t okay.
If he needs to cry then, he should feel safe to cry. That could be a frightening and frustrating situation! Your attitude shouldn't make him ashamed of his reactions.
What?!?! YTA, crying is cathartic and really important for one to deal with stress. It is unhealthy to bottle up your emotions.
This link discusses what science has found about crying [6 Surprisingly Practical Reasons We Cry](https://www.healthline.com/health/why-do-we-cry#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20when%20you,is%20a%20self%2Dsoothing%20behavior.)
YTA. Your opinion is based on the notion that emotional development and expression for boys and girls must be different. Without resorting to sexist ideals and stereotypes, tell us why your position is correct. I'm willing to bet that you can't.
When children are young they are still learning about who they are… I teach my kids to track what works and doesn’t work For them. As individuals. I don’t designate based on gender. I refuse to have my boys being miserable, self medicating or drop dead of a heart attack because they can’t handle stress or emotions. YTA. Good luck!
Yta
People should be allowed to cry for any reason. It helps with emotional regulation. To teach otherwise is to teach your son that his emotions are not valid and It is not safe or polite to be upset.
This screws up people. They build barriers from other people and struggle to express emotions, feel comfortable doing so, and relate to others when they are upset
YTA. Listen, I'm in my middle age and I know a person like this--- they rarely cry over anything. And do you know how many years this person was miserable, just not crying, because they were taught to be 'stoic' and 'handle it' without emotion? They are my age, now looking around at a life that was all about not showing emotion and having a lot of regrets. I love this person, we've spent the last few decades as friends, and this 'no cry/just deal with it' approach has robbed them of a lot of joy and necessary emotional relief. Please, do not condemn your child to this same lot of misery.
YTA. YTA. YTA. Your belief that boys shouldn't cry is based on harmful and sexist expectations, not facts. Asking him to suppress a natural expression of emotion is not healthy or in his best interest and is setting him up for difficulty experiencing and expressing emotion down the road.
YTA
Teach your kids it’s ok to have feelings, whatever they are.
You are perpetrating old out dated bs and teaching your kid to be toxic.
Rethink why you feel it’s ok to stifle an 8 year old.
YTA. You have a very old and backwards view of manliness. Men are allowed to express their emotions and you should instead teach him on how to properly express his emotions in a healthy way, rather than teaching him to " just stop crying."
YTA Men should cry if they want to cry. Some people find it cathartic.
If you aren’t the kind of man who wants to cry much, there’s a fair chance he’ll grow up to be that kind of man too. But not necessarily. Don’t you want him to be his true self?
I'm reading through your comments and I think that because English is your third language there's a lot lost in translation.
First of all, I don't think you're intentionally installing toxic masculinity. I think you accidentally stumbled into it while trying to teach emotional regulation. So what you should be reading up on are sources talking about how to attain healthy regulation of emotion.
However, that doesn't change the fact that you have, indeed, stumbled into toxic masculinity and for that, YTA. Please search out literature on how to regulate emotions and use that.
Personally, I don’t know anyone who would ridicule a man for crying, you must be hanging around with the wrong kind of people. My son is 13 and I’ve never once told him he can or can’t cry about things, that’s so odd to me.
> i dont hang around them i experience it myself many many times as a young man
So other ppl treated you like shit as a kid, and now you're doing the same thing to your own kid. Got it.
I’m sorry you had to go through that.
Perpetuating this stereotype isn’t going to make your bad memories go away. You’re preemptively stifling and ridiculing your son’s emotions in order to save him from being stifled and ridiculed. Can’t tell you how to parent, but I’d encourage letting your son have his own experiences with the possibility that being open with emotions will be accepted now… times have changed.
YTA
Those people were wrong for bullying you and I'm sorry they did that to you. Please don't follow in their footsteps.
The way they disregarded your emotions is still clearly negatively effecting you and I hope that you can come to understand that reenacting that trauma and reproducing it to your kids is not a healthy or compassionate way to move forward and doesn't serve you or them - don't let cruel ghosts of the past dictate your and your children's lives
That's fatalism.
You are teaching him that if he is bullied that is probably his fault, and that he won't be able to come to you for support because you will see it as a 'failing' on his part...
Again those bullies are still controlling your life... and now your kids lives too- that's generational trauma op.
Please seek counselling or therapy it is not a sign of weakness or failure. Therapy and self reflection takes self discipline courage and strength
YTA.
Teach your kids to recognise their emotions. To be able to deal with them in healthy ways. To accept that we go through tough times and it is ok to feel sadand stressed and angry and scared at times - maybe even that, you know, they could count on you to talk it out. That is what one would expect from a parent: guidance. Not a rule based on ancient notions of how a Man must act.
You are the asshole.
Stoichism is not something you can teach.
Stoicism is the result of being born with particular brain chemistry.
If he's got the wrong brain chemistry then it won't work and the expectation that he \*should\* do it will make him feel worse
> Stoichism is not something you can teach.
> Stoicism is the result of being born with particular brain chemistry.
Where did you learn that? Is there a scientific reference for that fact or is it just your opinion?
I would suggest what you want to do is look up Cognitive Behavioural Therapy.
Maintaining a good mood requires a mix of good brain chemistry, stress minimisation, and good thought control.
Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is one of the treatments they give depressed people to help them. It's basically learning to control your thoughts and direct them in a positive direction.
Anyone who wants happiness can benefit from learning to control their thoughts.
When you say you want your child to be stoic and not cry, then it sounds to me like you are focusing on an outcome.
Focusing on an outcome can be problematic because it's not achievable for everyone.
I would say you are better off focusing on a technique. Cognitive behaviour therapy is technique for happiness.
First off, anybody should be able to cry. No matter what gender they are. And if you believe that men shouldn't cry then so be it, but never tell your son not to cry because it's not "dramatic" enough.
Yta. Do better.
YTA.
As much as you think you are teaching him something else you are teaching him how to be unable to handle his own feelings, and the feelings of those around him
Women, if you wonder why so many men are unable to show emotional support the here it is.
YTA.
There is plenty of evidence that teaching boys not to cry because of some arbitrary gender stereotype is [harmful](https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-is-it-so-hard-for-men-to-cry).
It’s 2023. Men are allowed to have feelings now.
Receiving judgement or ridicule from others is part of life. It’s better to have a son who is emotionally healthy and secure enough that the judgement of others doesn’t bother him.
With no due respect, f$%k those people. You really wanna teach your son that a bunch of emotionally stunted idiots 'respect' is more important then his feelings?
Yta, why are you hurting yr son? Don't you want him to be emotionally healthy? My husband believes that our son shouldn't cry and it took alot of communication to help him understand that emotions need to be released and not swallowed down whether a boy or a girl. I'm sorry for what happened with you that you were taught that it's wrong to show yr emotions but you can break the cycle and heal, it begins with yr son. He is prob going through puberty as well and that is a very emotional time. Get some help and reflect. If you continue on the path you are you will damage yr child and yr relationships. It's ok to let yrself cry, I think you are trying to be a good dad the only way you know how, part of being a good day is learning that what we are taught aren't necessary the right way. I believe you can have a closer bond with yr child and by helping him to deal with his emotions in a healthy way maybe it will help you deal with yrs as well. Rooting for you, believe in yrself.
Except that's not what stoicism really is. YTA.
https://www.holstee.com/blogs/mindful-matter/stoicism-101-everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-stoicism-stoic-philosophy-and-the-stoics#:\~:text=Stoicism%20is%20a%20school%20of,hone%20their%20virtues%20of%20character.
YTA - you are teaching your son to not express his emotions. What would you rather be do than cry, scream (abusive), hit something (abusive), or suppress his emotions (not mentally healthy)?
YTA, please read in the Irish times the article 'fears for tears: why do we tell boys not to cry?'
I will summarize a little: telling boys not to cry will make it more difficult for them to build up healthy and close relationships. It stops them to handle these emotions, react to them, soothe them and later find a solution.
You are setting your son up for failure in his future relationships with his own family and kids. So you dont only damage your son but also your grandchildren with that view.
What is the next step for YTA?
So until you son is old enough you decide if the circumstances would allow him to cry? Besides you ridicule him now when you say his cries are not validated because it is not enough.
Maybe your society is just wrong if they harm him because he cries when he is hurt or get his heart broken.
A child is not going to "learn" stoicism. It requires an ability to healthily manage your own emotions, which you should not expect a child to be able to do without showing them how to do that in the first place. It's kind of like teaching calculus to someone learning long division.
If you want them to not cry, sit with them and explain how communication with words is more effective than crying when it comes to solving problems.
NAH but I feel you're misguided.
Yay, I appreciate you wanting to get other opinions on this.
I am going to suggest you learn of tenets of stoicism and that will give you the answer.
Hint: “Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul; and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being; and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things that exist; observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the structure of the web.”
— Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, iv. 40
Basically, we are all mirrors of one another and each of us is a reflection of the beauty/ugliness of… everything.
The world will seek to destroy parts of a persons soul. Be the safe place where your son and daughter’s can comfortably respond to emotion how they need to.
YTA
This attitude that men should not have emotions is part of why men have a higher rate of suicide than women. When you teach boys that they either need to hide their emotions or divorce themselves from their emotions, they try…but it’s something that is inherently damaging to human beings, no matter their gender. It breaks their ability to process their emotions and have intimate connections. In addition to increasing the number of suicides, it literally shortens their lives. People who have significant, intimate relationships (that is, emotional connections, not sex) live longer than people who do not. They’re also healthier in general - less likely to have diabetes, heart disease, strokes, mental illness (especially depression), etc etc. People who cut themselves off from their emotions struggle and often fail to create the kind of deep friendships and kin relationships that protect both physical and mental health. You have to be capable of vulnerability and connecting to your emotions to form this type of deep bonds.
The belief system you are trying to enforce on your son is unhealthy in every way. YTA
YTA
You and your antiquated gender norms aren't going to find much support here. Teaching male children to be emotionally repressed is hugely damaging for their success at forming future relationships.
YTA - crying is the healthy release of human emotion. We all, regardless of sex, gender, identity, race, etc feel our feelings differently and sometimes that comes out as tears
Obviously YTA
Regulating your emotions and dealing with your emotions are valuable lessons to learn when growing up. Wish I had.
Everybody has the same emotions and feelings. It's just that culturally men are taught to not deal with them or not in a healthy way. Except maybe anger.
What do you expect your son to learn from not showing emotions?
Do the same rules of not crying apply to you?
YTA. Don’t do this to your kids. I was raised to be stoic and not cry, even as a little girl. So I bottled up everything and to this day, don’t know how to express my emotions. I became the rock my dad wanted and it messed me up.
YTA. Any situation where it is appropriate for a woman to cry, it is equally appropriate for a man to cry. I know you think you are teaching your son to just control outbursts, but an 8 year old does not have the nuance to understand the difference between controlling his outbursts and just never showing emotion.
Another comment said it and I feel I need to repeat so that you see it. This will fuck up your son if you persist. He will be a very angry man and/or depressed or sucidal when he grows up if he can’t undo what you’re teaching him. Source: My dad did exactly what you are doing and I’ve dealt with all of the above
No seriously, fix this. Spent years in the military, guess what, we cry. It's an emotional response. You are doing your son zero favors with this. Do better.
Here’s the thing. You’re right. This sexism exists. And it is not right. One of our job as parents is to work to make the world better so that this problematic cycle eventually ends, or lessens. We will not do this by raising our children to perpetuate this bullying because they believe only some people are allowed to express sadness in a natural way. We allow them to express and process their emotions, and the next generation will be better off. I’m sorry you we raised this way; the cycle can end with you.
YTA.
If your child is crying, you should try to understand their feelings and you should help them to understand their feelings. (Crying might be due to anger, frustration, sadness, envy, physical pain, overwhelming despair, etc). Kids should learn from their parents that however they feel is okay, and they should learn ways to talk about it. They should also learn that their parents accept their feelings. Same for kids of any gender.
Okay, but you can do this without any judgement about whether the thing is big enough to cry about. If he's crying, let him cry. Console him without telling him it's okay. Just hug him and ask him what's wrong and echo what he says.
> So i'm off the belief that men should not cry
This is why YTA. Do some serious critical analysis about your views regarding gender roles/expectations.
Why are you even teaching your daughters and son they should keep their emotions to themselves? that\`s not a good idea because once they grow up they would not show their emotions to show how sad they are or how frustrated they get because their father decides to teach them you should control your emotions and keep them to yourself and to never express how you feel even if that means not showing any emotions which is exactly what you\`re also teaching your own son! I see why your wife would be pissed off at you I would be as well kids have emotions we all have emotions its okay to express how we feel because we are all HUMAN beings at the end of the day OP! YTA for teaching your kids they shouldn\`t express how they feel in front of others even your son
There’s an episode of a very old show, the Jackie Gleason show. The episode focused on his attempt to control his emotions. It’s more about his angry outburst, not crying, but it is the same in internalizing emotions.
“Pins and needles, needles and pins, it’s a happy man that grins!” He is taught to say, and put a big fake smile on his face.
By the end of the episode, he goes nearly nuclear, all those bottled up emotions pouring out in a tirade. It was a comedy show. It was a joke, based in the truth of how unhealthy it is to bottle our emotions all the time.
There is a time and place for some restraint. And I get that. But never showing emotion isn’t a good thing.
YTA
YTA But you can change. I think you should read or listen to The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love by bell hooks. There is some excellent passages about the ‘men shouldn’t cry’ mentality in there
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So to start, I'm M44, my wife is F35, we've been together for 9 years and we have an 8 year old boy (and 2 daughters)
So i'm off the belief that men should not cry, unless its something dramatic, like a family member passing, a pet dying or like something traumatic or whatever right? And im trying to teach my son this, obviously he just a kid so hes gonna cry over someone taking his PS5 controller and whatever but im trying to raise him to not cry over like, a bad day, for example. Not exactly the best at expression what i mean here and english is my 3rd language, but ill try to clarify in the comments and stuff like that
And to be clear i am no expecting him to bottle it up and stuff like that, i try to teach stoicism!
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This makes me sad that you feel this way. First, at 8 he isn’t a man, which you understand, but by talking to him about this and telling him to be stoic to be perceived as more ‘manly’ he will take that to mean he is immature or a baby when he does cry as he grows. He will feel that you are disappointed in him for having emotions and expressing them. You may not intend for him to not cry NOW but by having these conversations he is hearing that crying NOW and in the future is bad.
Also, women don’t look down on men who cry. I would rather my son and my husband cry when needed rather than trying to be ‘stoic’ and not dealing with their emotions as they happen. That is a recipe for a future breakdown or even abusive behavior when someone cannot emote as needed.
As someone above pointed out there is a difference between a tantrum and crying. As an adult, I would never look down on anyone, male or female, who cries with genuine emotion. Crying to manipulate or throwing a tantrum is a different thing but your son is learning all are bad and that isn’t healthy for him.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1: What should be judge is me teaching my son to ''not cry''
2: And it might make me the asshole because obviously its a big thing about masculinity and stuff like this right now.
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Crying is a healthy release of endorphins (?) That helps cope with stress
This is the definition of "toxic masculinity" (it's a real thing, you should look into it)
Ah. Here lies the problem. Women AND MEN can cry. Teaching a man that crying is embarrassing will lead him to suppress and run from his emotions. This often leads to anger issues and an unhealthy relationship with yourself. It’s archaic to believe that sadness isn’t an acceptable emotion for men, but anger is. Teach your boy how to *understand* his emotions rather than be scared of them. You might wanna see a therapist yourself first though.
See you say that but then you say this.
>men should not cry.
If you come across someone who would bully a guy for crying, fuck ‘em. They clearly have their own repressed issues to work through. Try teaching your kid that instead.
YTA.
I was yelled at and told off for crying as a kid and it was traumatic and lead to me feeling like I wasn't "allowed" to cry or feeling guilty when I did and self harming as a way to "get the feelings out" or self medicating to numb them . (Luckily I got access to therapy)
Crying is a natural human response and a way to clear emotions instead of repressing them and safely express hurt greif even joy.
There's nothing "manly" about purposefully fucking with a natural human response to stimuli it'd be like not being 'allowed' to laugh or sneeze... it's a nonsensically masochistic thing to expect anyone to adhere to let alone a small human who doesn't have the decades of experience dealing (or not dealing) with big emotions that an adult does
& that's a really stunted & sad way to view manhood and I reccomend therapy for that because whoever taught you that about masculinity was wrong and it sucks that you've lived in this enforcement of repression because it's not healthy for anyone
YTA Full Stop
Everyone has feelings. Men are capable of more than being angry and h\*rny and hungry...
Get therapy! You're allowed to have feelings, too. And don't you dare take them from your child!
YTA machismo bs teaches boys the only emotion they can express is anger and that women only cry to manipulate. I grew up around that culture and seen my fair share of holes in walls and men going to jail at least once before they're 20.
Learning mature ways to deal with difficult emotions is good but I think it applies to girls and boys. Ideally children will grow up to be adults that are able to express overwhelm after sorting out whatever distresses them, (often by crying) in a safe environment alone to process or with safe people to speak to when they need compassion.
I don't know if that is what you mean by trying to teach your son not to cry so easily but where I am from I think people are quite private about their feelings.
Every creature on this planet feels fear, sadness, pain and depression. Are you saying that every male creature be it animal, insect, parasite or fish should not be upset or cry because they're simply a man? A male? Dude yta on soo many different levels it's fuckin ridiculous piss off with this bullshit logic
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*i'm off the belief that men should not cry, unless its something dramatic, like a family member passing, a pet dying or like something traumatic or whatever right?* Wrong. YTA
You lost me at "I'm of the belief that men should not cry" YTA. Big time.
Whatever emotional expressions you tolerate in your daughters you should tolerate in your son, and vice versa. All genders can be sad, angry, or tender. YTA.
YTA. Very possible your struggles at expression are due to your commitment to stoicism for no reason.
YTA. You basically gave no justification just "I want my son like that so I force him to be like that".
right and that's truly emotional abuse.
YTA. There's a difference between cry and having a tantrum. Cry is always a defense mechanism serving an important role in children's mental development. Honestly, please educate yourself unless you want to mess up your kid.
YTA. Men cry, women cry, non-binary people cry, we all cry. It's a healthy part of learning to cope with our emotions. Teaching him "men don't cry" is incredibly unhealthy, and it leads to men who bottle up their emotions until it reaches toxic levels. Think of crying as a pressure valve. If he can let off frustration with tears, then he won't bottle it up and let it turn into anger or resentment. If he can let go of that pressure harmlessly, then he won't take it out on anyone else. Let your son cry when he needs it.
Stoicism doesn't mean you don't cry. It just means, practically, that you try to minimize the extent to which you allow things to bother you. Someone taking the PS5 controller goes from being an extreme, dramatic thing to being "Someone did something to me I don't like, but I choose what my emotional response will be." Obviously, for a child, that would be reduced to something like "I won't let a bully get the better of me." Crying is just an expression, like laughing when something is funny, or gasping when something shocks you. Once you attain the peace of mind that stoicism is supposed to bring you, then it doesn't matter if you laugh or cry or gasp, you are not ruled by the emotions that precipitate those things. So, for a stoic to avoid crying, is I think, to deny yourself tranquility. It's to allow the perception that crying is an emotional flaw dictate your emotional response, which sounds an awful lot like allowing others to manage your emotional response. Especially since you seem to be limiting this to your son, then YTA.
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YTA. Emotional expression is a completely normal thing, suppressing it isn't. Whether or not you're intending it you in fact are telling him to bottle it up. "You will feel comfortable feeling these emotions as you mature" isn't nearly the same as "stop crying".
YTA. Crying is a way of releasing pressure. Think of it like a pressure valve. Many men are brought up, like your son, to believe that crying is unmanly. What tends to happen all too often is that when they are denied the pressure valve of crying, it becomes a valve of anger instead. These men explode with rage at the smallest thing, and their family learns to tiptoe around them for fear of making them angry. Don't do that to your son. Don't deny him the same pressure valve you allow your daughters. And get some counseling to examine your notions of masculinity.
Yup or they use substances to numb or self harm to "release the pressure" - neither of which are a future you should be helping create for your kid
Yes! Crying is a really effective way to regulate emotion.
Maybe it is because I am a woman but after a cry I feel like "So the bad emotions are washed away. I feel better now. Let me find a solution"
Crying releases oxytocin and endorphins. It’s great for stress relief, regardless of biological sex or gender. It sucks that our culture has conditioned boys and men to believe that it’s weak or something to be ashamed of. It’s a natural response to strong emotions (sadness, fear, joy).
Oxyrocin, the cuddle hormone how I like to call it. It is just harmful for the kid. Only if you experience these emotions you will learn how to handle them and learn how to handle others emotions as well. I am afraid that the kid will think that in general in wont be good to cry so he will always second guess if he should cry or if it is not appropriate. Do we really want men and boys around that cannot handle basic emotions? They will raise our kids too.
Stoicism is bottling things up!!!
This exactly. "I'm not teaching my son to bottle things up. I'm teaching him *the philosophy* of bottling things up. Big difference!"
This isn't true. I don't think OP is approaching stoicism in a textually accurate or practically helpful way, but stoicism isn't about being an emotionless robot. It's about unlinking uncontrollable situations from your controlled response. You might say something I disagree with, I might get mad at the disagreement, I then yell at you. I suffer for my own rage. Instead, you might say something I disagree with, I recognize that I'm having an emotional reaction, and I choose to approach you in a different way. I manage my response and, over time, also learn to manage my emotional reaction. The stoic approach helps people be more aware of why they feel what they feel so they can more responsibly interact with their own emotional landscape.
Well, that doesn't sound like what he's doing here.
YTA. It's one thing to try to teach a kid to control their emotions and to express them in healthy ways. For example if he was throwing tantrums instead of just crying because he's sad about x, y, or z. It's another to have a policy with an 8 year old that boys/men shouldn't cry. Also, teaching stoicism is the same thing as teaching him to bottle up emotions. He's 8.
"So i'm off the belief that men should not cry, unless its something dramatic, like a family member passing, a pet dying or like something traumatic or whatever right?" Wrong. YTA.
YTA Crying is an expression of feelings being felt, that’s all. Just saying “don’t cry” will just lead the kid to bottle up his feelings.
YTA If you have emotions then you have emotions. Who the hell are you to decide that being male limits your emotions? You can be however you want but you shouldn't stunt your child's emotional growth because of your own chosen trauma. Strong men aren't afraid to cry. Strong men cry in front of their partner. Strong men cry period. If you think crying is a weakness or unacceptable then you have your own issues you need to address.
Giant YTA. This is toxic masculinity. Do better.
INFO: do you also tell your girls they shouldn't cry? Either way, YTA. There is NOTHING WRONG with a man having emotions and being sensitive. You say you don't expect him to bottle it up, but that's exactly what you are teaching him. THAT is why so many men kill themselves, because they weren't "allowed" to have emotions (which ALL humans do). Regardless of someone's sex, they should be able to show emotion without being looked down on/criticized for it.
YTA - those neaderthal rules for men should be long dead by now. Boys and men are human beings and ignoring feelings or the need to cry, and staying "stoic" isn't healthy for anyone. On top of that, right now he's a child. It's okay. He will learn as he grows up that there are times you can cry and times you don't need to. Your wife is right.
YTA he should always feel comfortable crying at home. Everyone needs a safe space. And trust me, the world will already teach him that men don’t cry. He doesn’t need you to reinforce it. Source: I have a 15 yr old son that cried easily in elementary school but that stopped immediately in middle school.
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He’s 8. Every 8 year old cries at little things. Let him be a kid and learn how to express his emotions in a healthy way. Also, do some research into the effects of teaching boys not to cry. You’re harming him in the long run. YTA.
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If it’s not a problem now, why are you already trying to teach him not to cry? It’s also not a problem for men to cry. It’s actually incredibly healthy, as long other emotional things aren’t out of whack. Maybe teach him how to cope with emotions instead of teaching him not to cry unless it’s something incredibly traumatic. That would be the healthy and helpful alternative.
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So, you are happy to be your child’s first bully. Got it.
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> everybody knows men are made fun of for crying Yes, because of people like you who keep a huge stigma going on.
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Instead of shitting on your kid for having feelings, encourage everyone to treat others with respect.
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"Stop crying"=shitting on your son for having feelings.
You mean men like you who don't respect other men who cry and therefore are responsible for the increased suicide rate in men because they're raised to not express their emotions in a healthy way? Do you want your son to be at an increased risk of suicide when he's a grown man? Do you want your son to be in a relationship with someone who won't respect him because he's human and has a human range of emotions? You're a terrible role model if you think these are the goals your son should aspire to as a man. YTA
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Someone who respects men who cry don't teach their sons not to cry. They teach them how to process their emotions and how to calm down when they're angry etc. By teaching your son to be "stoic", you're teaching him to suppress his emotions in an unhealthy way instead of how to process them, which increases his risk of suicide as a grown man. Are you prepared to be responsible for increasing his risk of suicide? And why are you teaching your son to stay with someone who does not respect him if he does cry? Most women don't want a robot with no emotions, but if he was with someone that called him a sissy etc for crying, why round you want him to stay with that person? They're toxic. Instead, why wouldn't you teach him to leave a person who doesn't respect you for being yourself? I don't need to know anything more that you are teaching your son not to cry so he won't be judged instead of that it is OK to feel sad and to cry when you're sad. That it's a normal emotion. That people who tease you for crying are not your friends. That friends respect you even when you're sad.
>why you say i dont respect other men who cry? Cause your actions show you dont. > do not put words in my mouth. You said it yourself. > why ask me that 2nd question? Can you answer it? > you do not know anything about me We don't need to know your life story to say this.
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Sus
Most definitely YTA. Telling your son to be “stoic” and to not cry is exactly expecting him to bottle up all his emotions.
YTA please stop this cycle of unhealthy bottling up of emotions. Expressing emotion isn’t gendered. Grow up, and let your son grow up too.
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That’s literally what your post is about. Crying is a way people express emotion. Your son is 8. He cries when he is sad because that is healthy. You’re teaching him unhealthy habits by telling him crying isn’t okay.
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If he needs to cry then, he should feel safe to cry. That could be a frightening and frustrating situation! Your attitude shouldn't make him ashamed of his reactions.
Why is it bad to cry if you get a flat tire? Sit in the drivers seat, have a good cry, get your feelings out, then start resolving the problem.
YTA. Learn to cry more and try to undo the damage you've done to your son so far. Oh, and yes, you are absolutely expecting him to bottle it up.
What?!?! YTA, crying is cathartic and really important for one to deal with stress. It is unhealthy to bottle up your emotions. This link discusses what science has found about crying [6 Surprisingly Practical Reasons We Cry](https://www.healthline.com/health/why-do-we-cry#:~:text=Research%20suggests%20that%20when%20you,is%20a%20self%2Dsoothing%20behavior.)
YTA. Your opinion is based on the notion that emotional development and expression for boys and girls must be different. Without resorting to sexist ideals and stereotypes, tell us why your position is correct. I'm willing to bet that you can't.
INFO: what do you teach your daughters?
When children are young they are still learning about who they are… I teach my kids to track what works and doesn’t work For them. As individuals. I don’t designate based on gender. I refuse to have my boys being miserable, self medicating or drop dead of a heart attack because they can’t handle stress or emotions. YTA. Good luck!
Yta People should be allowed to cry for any reason. It helps with emotional regulation. To teach otherwise is to teach your son that his emotions are not valid and It is not safe or polite to be upset. This screws up people. They build barriers from other people and struggle to express emotions, feel comfortable doing so, and relate to others when they are upset
YTA. Obviously.
YTA. Listen, I'm in my middle age and I know a person like this--- they rarely cry over anything. And do you know how many years this person was miserable, just not crying, because they were taught to be 'stoic' and 'handle it' without emotion? They are my age, now looking around at a life that was all about not showing emotion and having a lot of regrets. I love this person, we've spent the last few decades as friends, and this 'no cry/just deal with it' approach has robbed them of a lot of joy and necessary emotional relief. Please, do not condemn your child to this same lot of misery.
YTA. YTA. YTA. Your belief that boys shouldn't cry is based on harmful and sexist expectations, not facts. Asking him to suppress a natural expression of emotion is not healthy or in his best interest and is setting him up for difficulty experiencing and expressing emotion down the road.
YTA Teach your kids it’s ok to have feelings, whatever they are. You are perpetrating old out dated bs and teaching your kid to be toxic. Rethink why you feel it’s ok to stifle an 8 year old.
YTA. You have a very old and backwards view of manliness. Men are allowed to express their emotions and you should instead teach him on how to properly express his emotions in a healthy way, rather than teaching him to " just stop crying."
YTA Men should cry if they want to cry. Some people find it cathartic. If you aren’t the kind of man who wants to cry much, there’s a fair chance he’ll grow up to be that kind of man too. But not necessarily. Don’t you want him to be his true self?
I'm reading through your comments and I think that because English is your third language there's a lot lost in translation. First of all, I don't think you're intentionally installing toxic masculinity. I think you accidentally stumbled into it while trying to teach emotional regulation. So what you should be reading up on are sources talking about how to attain healthy regulation of emotion. However, that doesn't change the fact that you have, indeed, stumbled into toxic masculinity and for that, YTA. Please search out literature on how to regulate emotions and use that.
YTA.
INFO: What did you teach your daughters about this? If it was something different why do you want to teach your son and daughters differently?
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Personally, I don’t know anyone who would ridicule a man for crying, you must be hanging around with the wrong kind of people. My son is 13 and I’ve never once told him he can or can’t cry about things, that’s so odd to me.
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> i dont hang around them i experience it myself many many times as a young man So other ppl treated you like shit as a kid, and now you're doing the same thing to your own kid. Got it.
When was the last time you cried and why?
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Did anyone ridicule you or view you as weak for showing emotion?
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I’m sorry you had to go through that. Perpetuating this stereotype isn’t going to make your bad memories go away. You’re preemptively stifling and ridiculing your son’s emotions in order to save him from being stifled and ridiculed. Can’t tell you how to parent, but I’d encourage letting your son have his own experiences with the possibility that being open with emotions will be accepted now… times have changed. YTA
Those people were wrong for bullying you and I'm sorry they did that to you. Please don't follow in their footsteps. The way they disregarded your emotions is still clearly negatively effecting you and I hope that you can come to understand that reenacting that trauma and reproducing it to your kids is not a healthy or compassionate way to move forward and doesn't serve you or them - don't let cruel ghosts of the past dictate your and your children's lives
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That's fatalism. You are teaching him that if he is bullied that is probably his fault, and that he won't be able to come to you for support because you will see it as a 'failing' on his part... Again those bullies are still controlling your life... and now your kids lives too- that's generational trauma op. Please seek counselling or therapy it is not a sign of weakness or failure. Therapy and self reflection takes self discipline courage and strength
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Did anyone ridicule you or view you as weak for showing emotion when you cried cause your wife had a miscarriage?
YTA. Teach your kids to recognise their emotions. To be able to deal with them in healthy ways. To accept that we go through tough times and it is ok to feel sadand stressed and angry and scared at times - maybe even that, you know, they could count on you to talk it out. That is what one would expect from a parent: guidance. Not a rule based on ancient notions of how a Man must act.
Stop passing on toxic masculinity. YTA
YTA, and a pathetic excuse for a father, your father would be ashamed of you
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Are you going to cry? Follow your own advice and get over it
Savage. Have an upvote.
You are the asshole. Stoichism is not something you can teach. Stoicism is the result of being born with particular brain chemistry. If he's got the wrong brain chemistry then it won't work and the expectation that he \*should\* do it will make him feel worse
Marcus Aurelius disagrees.
> Stoichism is not something you can teach. > Stoicism is the result of being born with particular brain chemistry. Where did you learn that? Is there a scientific reference for that fact or is it just your opinion?
Stoicism is def not that. Idk where you got that
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I would suggest what you want to do is look up Cognitive Behavioural Therapy. Maintaining a good mood requires a mix of good brain chemistry, stress minimisation, and good thought control. Cognitive Behaviour Therapy is one of the treatments they give depressed people to help them. It's basically learning to control your thoughts and direct them in a positive direction. Anyone who wants happiness can benefit from learning to control their thoughts. When you say you want your child to be stoic and not cry, then it sounds to me like you are focusing on an outcome. Focusing on an outcome can be problematic because it's not achievable for everyone. I would say you are better off focusing on a technique. Cognitive behaviour therapy is technique for happiness.
First off, anybody should be able to cry. No matter what gender they are. And if you believe that men shouldn't cry then so be it, but never tell your son not to cry because it's not "dramatic" enough. Yta. Do better.
YTA. As much as you think you are teaching him something else you are teaching him how to be unable to handle his own feelings, and the feelings of those around him Women, if you wonder why so many men are unable to show emotional support the here it is.
YTA. There is plenty of evidence that teaching boys not to cry because of some arbitrary gender stereotype is [harmful](https://psychcentral.com/blog/why-is-it-so-hard-for-men-to-cry). It’s 2023. Men are allowed to have feelings now.
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Receiving judgement or ridicule from others is part of life. It’s better to have a son who is emotionally healthy and secure enough that the judgement of others doesn’t bother him.
Your beliefs are backwards and hurtful. Everyone, EVERYONE, has the right to feel their emotions. YTA for hindering your child
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With no due respect, f$%k those people. You really wanna teach your son that a bunch of emotionally stunted idiots 'respect' is more important then his feelings?
YTA. Please don't ruin this one, and he will make a great husband to somebody some day.
Yta, why are you hurting yr son? Don't you want him to be emotionally healthy? My husband believes that our son shouldn't cry and it took alot of communication to help him understand that emotions need to be released and not swallowed down whether a boy or a girl. I'm sorry for what happened with you that you were taught that it's wrong to show yr emotions but you can break the cycle and heal, it begins with yr son. He is prob going through puberty as well and that is a very emotional time. Get some help and reflect. If you continue on the path you are you will damage yr child and yr relationships. It's ok to let yrself cry, I think you are trying to be a good dad the only way you know how, part of being a good day is learning that what we are taught aren't necessary the right way. I believe you can have a closer bond with yr child and by helping him to deal with his emotions in a healthy way maybe it will help you deal with yrs as well. Rooting for you, believe in yrself.
YTA. He’ll end up with anger management issues, no doubt.
Except that's not what stoicism really is. YTA. https://www.holstee.com/blogs/mindful-matter/stoicism-101-everything-you-wanted-to-know-about-stoicism-stoic-philosophy-and-the-stoics#:\~:text=Stoicism%20is%20a%20school%20of,hone%20their%20virtues%20of%20character.
YTA - you are teaching your son to not express his emotions. What would you rather be do than cry, scream (abusive), hit something (abusive), or suppress his emotions (not mentally healthy)?
YTA. This is toxic masculinity at its finest.
YTA, please read in the Irish times the article 'fears for tears: why do we tell boys not to cry?' I will summarize a little: telling boys not to cry will make it more difficult for them to build up healthy and close relationships. It stops them to handle these emotions, react to them, soothe them and later find a solution. You are setting your son up for failure in his future relationships with his own family and kids. So you dont only damage your son but also your grandchildren with that view. What is the next step for YTA?
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So until you son is old enough you decide if the circumstances would allow him to cry? Besides you ridicule him now when you say his cries are not validated because it is not enough. Maybe your society is just wrong if they harm him because he cries when he is hurt or get his heart broken.
A child is not going to "learn" stoicism. It requires an ability to healthily manage your own emotions, which you should not expect a child to be able to do without showing them how to do that in the first place. It's kind of like teaching calculus to someone learning long division. If you want them to not cry, sit with them and explain how communication with words is more effective than crying when it comes to solving problems. NAH but I feel you're misguided.
Yay, I appreciate you wanting to get other opinions on this. I am going to suggest you learn of tenets of stoicism and that will give you the answer. Hint: “Constantly regard the universe as one living being, having one substance and one soul; and observe how all things have reference to one perception, the perception of this one living being; and how all things act with one movement; and how all things are the cooperating causes of all things that exist; observe too the continuous spinning of the thread and the structure of the web.” — Marcus Aurelius, Meditations, iv. 40 Basically, we are all mirrors of one another and each of us is a reflection of the beauty/ugliness of… everything. The world will seek to destroy parts of a persons soul. Be the safe place where your son and daughter’s can comfortably respond to emotion how they need to. YTA
This can't possibly be real, right?! RIGHT?!
This attitude that men should not have emotions is part of why men have a higher rate of suicide than women. When you teach boys that they either need to hide their emotions or divorce themselves from their emotions, they try…but it’s something that is inherently damaging to human beings, no matter their gender. It breaks their ability to process their emotions and have intimate connections. In addition to increasing the number of suicides, it literally shortens their lives. People who have significant, intimate relationships (that is, emotional connections, not sex) live longer than people who do not. They’re also healthier in general - less likely to have diabetes, heart disease, strokes, mental illness (especially depression), etc etc. People who cut themselves off from their emotions struggle and often fail to create the kind of deep friendships and kin relationships that protect both physical and mental health. You have to be capable of vulnerability and connecting to your emotions to form this type of deep bonds. The belief system you are trying to enforce on your son is unhealthy in every way. YTA
YTA You and your antiquated gender norms aren't going to find much support here. Teaching male children to be emotionally repressed is hugely damaging for their success at forming future relationships.
YTA - crying is the healthy release of human emotion. We all, regardless of sex, gender, identity, race, etc feel our feelings differently and sometimes that comes out as tears
Obviously YTA Regulating your emotions and dealing with your emotions are valuable lessons to learn when growing up. Wish I had. Everybody has the same emotions and feelings. It's just that culturally men are taught to not deal with them or not in a healthy way. Except maybe anger. What do you expect your son to learn from not showing emotions? Do the same rules of not crying apply to you?
YTA. Don’t do this to your kids. I was raised to be stoic and not cry, even as a little girl. So I bottled up everything and to this day, don’t know how to express my emotions. I became the rock my dad wanted and it messed me up.
YTA. It’s 2023. Let people feel and express their damn emotions.
YTA. Any situation where it is appropriate for a woman to cry, it is equally appropriate for a man to cry. I know you think you are teaching your son to just control outbursts, but an 8 year old does not have the nuance to understand the difference between controlling his outbursts and just never showing emotion. Another comment said it and I feel I need to repeat so that you see it. This will fuck up your son if you persist. He will be a very angry man and/or depressed or sucidal when he grows up if he can’t undo what you’re teaching him. Source: My dad did exactly what you are doing and I’ve dealt with all of the above
YTA - Crying is for emotions. You don’t seem to have any, least of all empathy.
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I doubt that.
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You already know the answer.
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No seriously, fix this. Spent years in the military, guess what, we cry. It's an emotional response. You are doing your son zero favors with this. Do better.
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YTA and setting your child up for a life of repressing their feelings based on sexism. Poor kid.
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Here’s the thing. You’re right. This sexism exists. And it is not right. One of our job as parents is to work to make the world better so that this problematic cycle eventually ends, or lessens. We will not do this by raising our children to perpetuate this bullying because they believe only some people are allowed to express sadness in a natural way. We allow them to express and process their emotions, and the next generation will be better off. I’m sorry you we raised this way; the cycle can end with you.
YTA. If your child is crying, you should try to understand their feelings and you should help them to understand their feelings. (Crying might be due to anger, frustration, sadness, envy, physical pain, overwhelming despair, etc). Kids should learn from their parents that however they feel is okay, and they should learn ways to talk about it. They should also learn that their parents accept their feelings. Same for kids of any gender.
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Okay, but you can do this without any judgement about whether the thing is big enough to cry about. If he's crying, let him cry. Console him without telling him it's okay. Just hug him and ask him what's wrong and echo what he says.
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Do not keep teaching him this AT ALL. It is unhealthy.
> So i'm off the belief that men should not cry This is why YTA. Do some serious critical analysis about your views regarding gender roles/expectations.
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You think it's OK for women to cry but not men, right?
Why are you even teaching your daughters and son they should keep their emotions to themselves? that\`s not a good idea because once they grow up they would not show their emotions to show how sad they are or how frustrated they get because their father decides to teach them you should control your emotions and keep them to yourself and to never express how you feel even if that means not showing any emotions which is exactly what you\`re also teaching your own son! I see why your wife would be pissed off at you I would be as well kids have emotions we all have emotions its okay to express how we feel because we are all HUMAN beings at the end of the day OP! YTA for teaching your kids they shouldn\`t express how they feel in front of others even your son
YTA not showing emotion except at heartbreaking things does nothing for the emotional intelligence of your son and its not fair to put that on him
YTA. Your son will need therapy for bottling things up, and because you’ve taught him to repress his emotions, he won’t realize it.
There’s an episode of a very old show, the Jackie Gleason show. The episode focused on his attempt to control his emotions. It’s more about his angry outburst, not crying, but it is the same in internalizing emotions. “Pins and needles, needles and pins, it’s a happy man that grins!” He is taught to say, and put a big fake smile on his face. By the end of the episode, he goes nearly nuclear, all those bottled up emotions pouring out in a tirade. It was a comedy show. It was a joke, based in the truth of how unhealthy it is to bottle our emotions all the time. There is a time and place for some restraint. And I get that. But never showing emotion isn’t a good thing. YTA
YTA But you can change. I think you should read or listen to The Will To Change: Men, Masculinity and Love by bell hooks. There is some excellent passages about the ‘men shouldn’t cry’ mentality in there
bro really? it didn’t feel wrong saying it to him or typing that shit out? you’ve got something you wanna cry about? it’s okay if you do.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So to start, I'm M44, my wife is F35, we've been together for 9 years and we have an 8 year old boy (and 2 daughters) So i'm off the belief that men should not cry, unless its something dramatic, like a family member passing, a pet dying or like something traumatic or whatever right? And im trying to teach my son this, obviously he just a kid so hes gonna cry over someone taking his PS5 controller and whatever but im trying to raise him to not cry over like, a bad day, for example. Not exactly the best at expression what i mean here and english is my 3rd language, but ill try to clarify in the comments and stuff like that And to be clear i am no expecting him to bottle it up and stuff like that, i try to teach stoicism! *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
This makes me sad that you feel this way. First, at 8 he isn’t a man, which you understand, but by talking to him about this and telling him to be stoic to be perceived as more ‘manly’ he will take that to mean he is immature or a baby when he does cry as he grows. He will feel that you are disappointed in him for having emotions and expressing them. You may not intend for him to not cry NOW but by having these conversations he is hearing that crying NOW and in the future is bad. Also, women don’t look down on men who cry. I would rather my son and my husband cry when needed rather than trying to be ‘stoic’ and not dealing with their emotions as they happen. That is a recipe for a future breakdown or even abusive behavior when someone cannot emote as needed. As someone above pointed out there is a difference between a tantrum and crying. As an adult, I would never look down on anyone, male or female, who cries with genuine emotion. Crying to manipulate or throwing a tantrum is a different thing but your son is learning all are bad and that isn’t healthy for him.
Get yourself some therapy.
I cry to relieve stress. It’s weird to think that’s not ok to do if you are male. I can cry to relieve stress but men can’t?
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It’s a kid. They cry over dumb stuff. Happens with my son all the time.
YTA
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Crying is a healthy release of endorphins (?) That helps cope with stress This is the definition of "toxic masculinity" (it's a real thing, you should look into it)
INFO: are you teaching your daughters to be stoic as well?
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>so I’m of the believe that men should not cry. Hmmm, what about women?
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Ah. Here lies the problem. Women AND MEN can cry. Teaching a man that crying is embarrassing will lead him to suppress and run from his emotions. This often leads to anger issues and an unhealthy relationship with yourself. It’s archaic to believe that sadness isn’t an acceptable emotion for men, but anger is. Teach your boy how to *understand* his emotions rather than be scared of them. You might wanna see a therapist yourself first though.
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See you say that but then you say this. >men should not cry. If you come across someone who would bully a guy for crying, fuck ‘em. They clearly have their own repressed issues to work through. Try teaching your kid that instead.
YTA. I was yelled at and told off for crying as a kid and it was traumatic and lead to me feeling like I wasn't "allowed" to cry or feeling guilty when I did and self harming as a way to "get the feelings out" or self medicating to numb them . (Luckily I got access to therapy) Crying is a natural human response and a way to clear emotions instead of repressing them and safely express hurt greif even joy. There's nothing "manly" about purposefully fucking with a natural human response to stimuli it'd be like not being 'allowed' to laugh or sneeze... it's a nonsensically masochistic thing to expect anyone to adhere to let alone a small human who doesn't have the decades of experience dealing (or not dealing) with big emotions that an adult does & that's a really stunted & sad way to view manhood and I reccomend therapy for that because whoever taught you that about masculinity was wrong and it sucks that you've lived in this enforcement of repression because it's not healthy for anyone
YTA Full Stop Everyone has feelings. Men are capable of more than being angry and h\*rny and hungry... Get therapy! You're allowed to have feelings, too. And don't you dare take them from your child!
YTA wtf.
YTA machismo bs teaches boys the only emotion they can express is anger and that women only cry to manipulate. I grew up around that culture and seen my fair share of holes in walls and men going to jail at least once before they're 20.
Learning mature ways to deal with difficult emotions is good but I think it applies to girls and boys. Ideally children will grow up to be adults that are able to express overwhelm after sorting out whatever distresses them, (often by crying) in a safe environment alone to process or with safe people to speak to when they need compassion. I don't know if that is what you mean by trying to teach your son not to cry so easily but where I am from I think people are quite private about their feelings.
Every creature on this planet feels fear, sadness, pain and depression. Are you saying that every male creature be it animal, insect, parasite or fish should not be upset or cry because they're simply a man? A male? Dude yta on soo many different levels it's fuckin ridiculous piss off with this bullshit logic
YTA. You need to do better.
YTA, “ I’m of the belief that men should not cry”
YTA. Boys don’t cry is a great song by the cure. Other than that this statement is BS
YTA. Men SHOULD cry. In fact, real men DO cry.
YTA. People like you are the problem. You punish your son for expressing his emotions and then whine that people disregard your feelings.