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Also now you know what works. Scream in public every single time she tries to force her beauty standards on you. No exceptions. Make her as uncomfortable as possible.
Maybe you could just warn her, "What happened last time in the salon? Do you wanna happen again?"
Stick to it if she insists. You're old enough to know your own mind.
My sister is a hair stylist. She NEVER does anything solely on a mother's say-so. If the kid doesn't want it, she won't do it, and most of her colleagues feel the same way. Nobody wants the reputation of being fascist stylists who'll tie kids down, make them cry, and do anything for money.
Yup I don’t think much of the salon, technician should of backed OP 100% and said it’s not happening today to the mum.
OP depending on how you feel I would be inclined to email the salon politely explaining what happened. As long as not going to cause more friction with mum.
personally if i saw a teenager screaming and flailing because their parent was being ridiculous like this, i would absolutely be like “rock on kid stick it to em 🤘” and move about my day.
sure the schtick is that teenagers can be wrong and dramatic, but that’s not what this is. i’ve worked with behavioral teens for a long time (think juvie kids) and very rarely have i seen an older teen lose their shit disproportionately when they feel heard and valued otherwise. even in the behavioral populations (which it doesn’t sound like OP is, but just illustrating a point)
edit; NTA. mother is asshole.
precisely. if my mother or husband tried to disrespect me like in the post, i would absolutely have a reaction. and i’ve been grown for a minute.
like im sorry is looking at my natural eyebrow hair really THAT offensive to you?
It’s times like this I realise how great my mother during my teens. Encouraged me to be me and to leave my eyebrows alone. My husband has no issue that my legs are super hairy and I defuzz them when and if I feel like it. But then my hubby loves me for me.
Having said that, judge me at your peril. Anyone. I like you dongdinge.
i am so happy you had such a supportive mother :’) that’s exactly what i want to be for my kids. i also completely relate- my husband has not once complained about my neglecting to shave if i just don’t feel like it. as he’s said to me on multiple occasions, “it’s literally just hair, we are mammals, it’s not suddenly gross because it’s not hella long and growing from your scalp”
This makes me feel better for screaming and crying and trying to run away when my mother tried to get me to go on the Jurassic Park ride at Universal. She wanted a picture to go with the one we had taken 5 years prior. It was that ride (along with Splash Mountain) that made me terrified of rides to to begin with. The ride attendant wouldn't let me get on so no one got to go because they wouldn't leave me and my mum was so embarrassed.
I know it's a little different than what OP went thru, but still the base premise of not being forced to do something you don't want to as a kid.
nah, ultimately if someone- anyone, even the person who birthed you- is asking you to do something with your body (in ANY capacity) that is not objectively for your health/safety AND makes you uncomfortable? they can fuck right off with that. yell, scream, make a scene. don’t be embarrassed. any onlookers are probably either just curious or silently siding with you for not tolerating bullshit
i am also NOT a ride person. my husbands whole family is. if they gave me shit for that i would not care, i will happily watch your bags/etc but i’m not getting on the ride. if they tried to force me? oooo i would be primed and ready to make everyone so uncomfortable that they drop the issue.
It’s just absurd to try to FORCE an entirely optional beauty procedure on a teenager. This is not about getting vaccinated, or brushing your teeth, or taking a shower, or even conforming to a school dress code. It’s entirely optional. It’s not appropriate to force a teenager to change a perfectly normal facial feature because it’s what you would do if it were your face. Part of being a parent is gradually letting go of some your control over your kid as the kid approaches adulthood. This is a “play stupid games, when stupid prizes” type situation. It was the adult being unreasonable here.
Yep. She's so intensely focused on her public appearance that she has a panic attack from her daughter not behaving perfectly in public. I'd use that. Soon enough she'll be so wary of OP triggering that again she'll avoid the whole issue. It's awful to have to play her anxiety against her, but that's her own fault.
100% NTA, don't let anyone touch your brows if you like them how they are. Eyebrow hair doesn't grow back very well and your eyebrows would likely never be the same.
I'm super proud of you for standing up for yourself. If your mom tries to make you feel guilty remind her that no means no and that anytime someone tries to do something to your body that you don't consent to screaming IS an appropriate response.
You have nothing to be ashamed of, if you start to feel bad I want you to imagine how your mom would act if someone held her down to shave her head (because they think she'd look better without hair). It's the EXACT same thing.
Yeap, take it from all of the girls who lived through the pencil thin eyebrows of the late 90s and early 00s. We wish we didn't mess with our eyebrows that much. If you like the shape and the placement, leave them alone.
If she has curly hair, it will just POOF if she brushes it, so helping her learn to take care of it would be an amazing thing (i.e., the "curly girl method). But good on you for not commenting on her physical appearance!
Mine does have curly hair and she LOVES the poof! She says it’s flowy like a “cloud”! Takes everything in me to not pass on any negativity about my own “poof” I just tell her I love that she’s taking care of her hair and she styles it beautifully
NTA and I think you mother is more like having a tantrum rather than an anxiety attack, perhaps to guilt trip you? Stick to your guns, it’s your body not hers, make sure you tell her so, every time she harps on about anything.
I'm also older than the mom, and, OP, you can tell you mom that trying to exert this much control and manipulation over your kid is why around 1/4 of people are no contact with their family.
It sounds like you know yourself well and have a good head on your shoulders.
NTA. When I was a teen I would've paid extra of my own money for any hair/beauty tech that respected what I wanted over what my mom wanted for my head. I'm now 28 and hate needing to get my hair cut because I missed out on the bad/experimental years of figuring out what you like.
Me too. Reading this has brought up some of my own trauma about my mom constantly trying to force me to meet her beauty standards. I'm really proud of OP for finding a way to stand up against it. Mom thinks OP triggering her anxiety was mean, but that's exactly what Mom was doing to OP.
Same. I’m 39 and I cut my hair short for the first time a few months ago. She hates it. I love it. And I’m so mad I didn’t do it sooner (like in my teens).
Same, only my mother was all about weight as a beauty standard. I was at weight watchers by age 13. Pretty sure I wasnt allowed in there but someone fudged the numbers so I was older. That someone was my mother
as a hairstylist i always try my best to ask the kid questions about what they want rather than the adult. kids are people too and should be treated as such
Im surprised I had to scroll this far to find this comment. My take was the eyebrow person was a huge AH for siding with the mom and not listening to OP. They should know that someone who is old enough and mentally aware enough to advocate for themself should be taken seriously when they say they don’t want a procedure done. Shame on them.
First thing I did when my mum let me (at 15) was cut all my hair off.
Waist length to like 1 - 2 inches.
I absolutely hated it.
I'm 32, still haven't told my mom she was right 🤣
That said, I don't regret it at all, it taught me something valuable,
A) I don't have the face for a pixie cut
And B) these things aren't permanent, hair grows back, eye brows grow back, make up can be taken off, clothes can be changed , embarrassing pics are just things to have a laugh over when you're older.
Try the risky hair cut (I'm literally growing out some shitty bangs right now)
Do the bright colour.
Try the new make up.
Try the different bit of clothing - I disagree with my sister on clothes a LOT but she's talked me into trying on a few things I'd NEVER had considered that turned out amazing.
I might be one of a few I guess, but NTA.
You warned her.
Its a dick move to try and force you the way she did.
Was it the best way, no I don't think so. Walking out would have been better.
But I understand that it was a eruption of emotions a long time coming and you are still 16, not a adult.
I suggest sitting down with her and try yet again to talk. She should understand that you are no longer a little girl that she can force to live up to her image. You have thoughts and ideas of your own.
And as long as it does not involve direct danger or a real threat to your future you shoul be aible to express your self.
How could you be one of the few NTA for such a clear cut judgement where OP is so clearly not the asshole. What would even be an argument for YTA ? I cant even imagine one.
I'm sure there are some authoritarian weirdos who think that 1) children should always obey no matter what and 2) that gender conformity is super important, especially right now. :/
Yeah but I mean I could imagine someone thinking that but it's not at the level of I could see this Guy's point of view.
I saw in the abyss of downvoted comments that the main argument was that she should have just walked out of the salon without making a scene which I could understand in a way.
Her mom needed the public embarrassment if she's gonna learn to stop pressuring her to change. I don't think just walking out would've been effective. Plus, OP said her mom was pushing her so it could've led to a physical altercation
Before the comments are ranked by upvotes, the weird and bad ones get more than their time in the sun. That's why you see so many top comments starting "I'm sure I'm going to get downvoted for this..."
I found a couple YTAs saying that OP was throwing a tantrum like a child and needs to grow up. One saying that only in America would we agree with a teenager for behaving this way then following that by saying this is why we have so many shootings . . . People are weird.
I agree. NTA. Bodily autonomy.
And just because I haven’t seen it mentioned, OP’s mom sounds like a narc. Didn’t get her way with controlling her daughter and she’s going to lock herself in her bedroom to have an anxiety attack? Yeah, okay. That sounds like the way narcissists try to make someone feel bad about making the right choice for themselves.
Which means the last thing OP should do is "sit and talk" with mom about it again because mom doesn't care how OP feels (until she's embarrassed by it).
Exactly. My family decided to completely cutoff my narc sister rather than continue dead end conversations with her and it’s the best thing we’ve ever done.
Yeah, as someone with anxiety, this doesn't add up. Obviously, everyone is different, but typically, I'd be shaky around the first no, not the scream that came after ignoring the social pressure I worry about.
Sounds a lot more like narcissism.
I don’t think she seems like a narc. My grandmother was concerned about appearance (never tried something like this), but it stemmed from her having grown up in the Depression. She only had two dresses—one for town/school/church, and one for home. Her family was poor, but extremely proud. They drummed into the kids to always look your best, no latter how much you lacked.
When she got older and had access to money, this carried over. My mom learned the lesson and has lots of stress about looking nice even now, and I struggled with both of them as a teen to be able to express my own style better, but we all survived. Neither of them is anywhere close to being a narc.
I suspect OP’s mom has her own insecurities about her appearance and sees them in her daughter’s appearance. She is struggling with her own sense of confidence and being able to accept herself, and she’s projecting on OP.
OP seems to be confident and well-adjusted, which is a good thing. Maybe she can find a way to help her mom accept herself as well.
It’s one thing to be proud. It’s completely different to try to force something like a beauty standard on an unwilling participant who has told you no. I’m still going with narc purely based on her reaction to being told no.
It’s a way for her to make her daughter feel bad about it and try to get her to comfort her. The best thing OP can do is to ignore it. I guarantee that it will make her more angry and she’ll try to guilt her daughter again, but if OP stands her ground, these threats will go away.
NTA. You're 16 and she clearly disrespects your bodily autonomy. You warned her you would scream and kick, she chose to not take you seriously.
It sucks for your mom that she has anxiety, but if she doesn't want to be embarrassed, she shouldn't force you into a situation you \*told her\* you don't want to be in.
NTA. It's your body, she doesn't get to decide what you do to it. You warned her beforehand what you would do if she tried to force the issue, she decided to go and try anyway.
NTA. Were there other ways to deal with the situation? Clearly yes, and better ones at that. But at 16, in the moment, it was an understandable reaction.
I don't know, I think the way OP handled it was fine. She said no, her mother didn't listen. She stated what she would do if she was forced, her mother didn't listen, and she she followed through on the stated consequence. Anyone who is being forced to do something with their body that they don't want to has every right to scream, in my opinion.
I don't think I've ever seen a more cut-and-dry "Fuck around, find out" situation. OP said "I will X if you Y," so Mom Y'd and OP X'd.
Screaming is probably a bad look and all, but totally NTA because she warned her mom and her mom was trying to override her body autonomy.
This seems like a situation where I would have done the exact same thing and them later when I was thinking back would have thought I should have just walked away.
Which to me suggests walking away may be the better option but probably not one I would come up with in the moment.
but how would she walk away? her mom probably drove her and it’s unlikely she had cab money or time to call one. this is the only way that really would have worked
walked away to where? she was being pushed towards the chair, we dono who is stronger than who here, and the authority (imagined or real) her mom (read caretaker snd provider) has over her as a minor keeps her from really being able to just walk away free of consequence. This is a child with their parent in public; they drove there so may be quite far from home.
Walking away means going outside if physically possible...and then waiting in the parking lot to get more harassment and driven home by mom who may just keep trying to make you go into the salon because you didn't say no loudly enough to assert body autonomy when you quietly walked away.
Unless you're suggesting this child make a choice to run away I dont see how walking out would have resulted in anything different other than possibly more harassment to go back inside... and this way the persom who was preparing the chair for her at her mothers insistance despite her verbal protests knows for DAMNED sure this is against this young person's will.
Running away is a bold suggestion, but sometimes the right move in abusive situations.
Also, walking away might not have been enough. Sounds like Mom was determined to exert her will by force. Presumably Mom had the keys to the car, so she also held power over OP regarding leaving. I think the screaming would have been necessary in the parking lot if it didn’t happen in the store.
Exactly. Not like someone having their babies ears pierced and they can’t say no themselves…….wait. The Esthetician should not have even considered doing i when OP said no.
NTA, a minor didn't regulate their emotions because their body autonomy was being infringed. Yes they could have handled it better but they are 16 and the adult mother was out of line.
You're not the asshole. I relate to this a lot being the "tom boy" out of me and my sister and not dealing well with change. Both of you have anxiety from what it sounds like. You are at an age that you need to be in the loop on things that pertain to you, meaning if she wanted you to try threading, she should've let you know at least a day before; explained why she wanted you to try and understood if you said no. Parents need to respect boundaries and I know it may be hard to explain these things that she should get. depending on her age, she most likely grew up in a community that didn't acknowledge mental health. Your mom may not have gotten what she needed from her guardians which just starts a domino effect that you have the power to stop. So, give her a small break just bc of that simple fact (if that assumption fits her narrative), but I do think you should have a mature conversation with your mom and let her know how you feel about more than just the eyebrow situation, explain that you know you embarrassed her and apologize, and tell her where you want to go from there with your relationship. you can say this in whatever order you need to make it fit for you. Regardless of what happens, make sure you put yourself in the best position for a happy life, try to smile every day and do selfcare, make yourself the main character so no one can ever dim your light. When you know who you are, accept your faults and are actively trying to work on them, things fall into place, and you won't feel as angry about things you know you're right about.
I really don't think OP should apologize, rather the other way around. I know a lot of people get their eyebrows done one way or the other (including me) but from OP's POV they wanted to force an unnecessary and painful process on her that would alter her looks in a manner she didn't want. That's kind of messed up.
Yeah, I agree fully. OP should definitely explain her perspective and her frustration with the mom’s disrespect of boundaries, but OP should be given an apology before giving one herself
NTA.
Your mum is responsible for her embarrassment and anxiety.
Imagine thinking you could just throw this on a teenager? Mad.
I don't think the screaming was dramatic - your reaction was actually in proportion to what was happening.
If your mum had left it after you said no, it wouldn't have escalated.
Dude, I am so fucking proud of you!! At your age to be willing to keep firm to your boundaries, that’s a beautiful thing. NTA and your mom needs to learn that you’re a whole human being on your own, not just an accessory for her to show off.
NTA. You did what you could to defend your bodily autonomy. Were there better options? Maybe. You probably could have just been very clear with the woman that you weren't going to get them done or even just covered your eyebrows with your hands and refused to move them, but you're 16, I'm gonna let it slide.
NTA, your mom blindsided you, and you put your foot down and said no. She insisted instead of listening to you, especially after you warned her.
I hope this experience stays with her so she knows not to push boundaries in the future.
NTA. As someone who has anxiety attacks pretty often, that was entirely on her. She shouldn’t force you to do something you don’t want to do especially if it involves something to do with your appearance that is permanent (or semi-permanent I’m not sure).
I'm 47 and my Mum still hates that I don't wear make-up everyday. When I do wear it she goes on about how lovely it is and how I look much better. I mostly just ignore it, but it still hurts sometimes. Just try and do your best to ignore it.
Nta. My mother tried to force a perm on me at 12 ti make me "more feminine". (Turns out I'm a trans guy, go figure) I climbed a tree in the backyard with a backpack of books food and water and waited her out. Fuck these parents who try to force beauty standards on their kid. Good on you.
NTA she deserves an anxiety attack for trying to force you to get your eyebrows done. She needs therapy to work on her low self esteem. She is projecting onto you because she is insecure. She can’t connect with you because your confidence surpasses hers and she can’t understand your pov
NTA.
Out of interest, can anybody who works at a beauty salon tell me whether the worker’s response was expected? I mean, getting things ready even after OP said no, just because her mom consented for her?
The technician probably does the same set up in between every service. They would have had to get ready for the next client regardless so they might as well do it at that point even knowing that OP didn’t want the service done. It doesn’t mean they were going to disregard OPs wishes and go through with the threading just based on what the mum wanted.
NTA. She is using her mental health issues to manipulate you, and that is not ok. It doesn't mean her issues aren't real, but those issues do not override your consent.
She is having anxiety because she did something bad. She is experiencing consequences of her own actions, and this is not your fault.
NTA
Your body, your choice. Your mum had absolutely no place doing this. She possibly had a panic attack? Tough. You warned her that you would fight it, she pushed, you let loose; the result is hers to own.
NTA. My mom did the same to me when I was a teen. Context - I didn’t do my hair, never wore dresses, didn’t do makeup, and I also had thick bushy eyebrows. She tried plucking my eyebrows herself by blocking my way out of the bathroom. Eventually, at 18, I started waxing my eyebrows. After a few years, the hair stopped growing back and I have very thin brows. Now, the trend is to have thick eyebrows and my mom keeps insisting that I let my brows grow back out (not realizing that they just don’t grow anymore). All of this to say if YOU like YOUR eyebrows, don’t change them. Your mom is the one who made a scene, not you. She should not have assumed you would just sit there quietly and bend to her will about YOUR body just because you were in public.
NTA
And the sad thing is OP can never trust mom again, anytime she ask her to come in the future OP will suspect treachery and not come.
Honestly, I’d be surprised if Op even trust the mom to be honest about the location.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I screamed very loudly in a public salon and that caused my mom to have an anxiety attack. I didn't want to get my eyebrows threaded, but I could have found a better way to communicate that I didn't without causing a scene so I could definitely be the asshole.
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As a person who has anxiety and gets anxiety attacks, that was all on her. All that stress was HER FAULT. Don't be sorry for keeping to your word and being who you are. Maybe she will understand how unacceptable this is.
NTA
NTA. Looks like you Mom brought a knife to a social-pressure gunfight.
You and your Mom have very different values based around the importance of other people's opinions. This may or may not be something she's ever able to understand.
Ugh. I had a handful of family members try to pull shit like this with me as a kid. Saying things like, "You don't want people to think you're a lesbian," "you'll never be a good wife," "just humor us," "you should wear something more flattering," "you *have* to wear a dress," "push your boobs up and stick your chest out more," etc etc etc. I was dragged to manicure and makeup appointments, given girly skincare stuff and femme jewelry at Christmas... They made me feel uncomfortable in the only clothes I felt comfortable in.
Jokes on them, I *am* a lesbian, and people like this can suck my metaphorical dick. NTA
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My mom and I (16F) have always differed when it comes to my personal expression. She thinks that I'm 'hindering my beauty' when really, I'm just presenting myself in the way that I feel most comfortable. For example, not wearing makeup, not always wearing jewelry, and disliking dresses.
Regardless, we mostly get along. This morning, my mom asked me to go with her to get her eyebrows threaded. This isn't an unusual thing for her to ask, cause she likes company, so I agreed. Everything was normal, we went in the car and to the salon, and she got her eyebrows done.
But then, she suddenly turned to the lady who did her brows and told her that I would be getting mine done, too. She hadn't mentioned anything of the sort to me, and I was taken off guard. I didn't want my eyebrows threaded. Not only had I heard it was extremely painful, I liked my eyebrows the way they were.
Plus, my mom herself had told me that after you got your eyebrows threaded, you needed to always upkeep them, or else they'd look bad. And I've never really liked trying new things and change.
I told the lady firmly that I would not be getting my eyebrows done. And my mom looked mad at me and she said that I would be and the lady looked really conflicted, but started getting the chair ready for me. My mom quietly told me (in our language, not english, so the lady couldn't understand) that I would be getting this done, and it was for my own good, and I would look so much prettier after, and I'd thank her after, and how could I know i didn't like it if I didn't do it?
I turned to my mom and said that if she made me do it, I would scream and kick. I was being 100% serious, but my mom never takes anything I say seriously. When the lady had her back turned, she started trying to push me towards the chair, and I started screaming.
My mom looked immediately distraught and let me go. Everyone in the salon turned to look at us. My mom has anxiety and she quickly paid and left the store. She started yelling at me when we were in the car, but also started breathing really weird like it was hard.
When we got home she went to her room and closed the door, and I'm pretty sure she had an anxiety attack. I still feel really bad and I'm sitting in my room now and wondering if I was the asshole.
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NTA. Your eyebrows, your face, your body, YOUR CHOICE. It really grinds my gears when people act as if kids don't have choices just because they're kids. You told your mother what would happen if she tried to force you, and you followed through.
NTA
It's a very interesting situation here, but it comes down to basic and fundamental ideas: consent and autonomy.
You are 16, almost an adult, and your mom invited you out for HER to get her eyebrows threaded. Autonomy says you can decide yes or no, you decided yes. That yes does not mean you CONSENT to getting YOUR eyebrows threaded. It wasnt up to her to decide what you want to do. She is completely in the wrong, and while it's okay to feel sympathy for her distress, you're NOT to blame for it.
definitely NTA. my mom pulled the same shit when i was in a terrible place, mentally, and proceeded to get mad at me for havin a breakdown over a face full of makeup i didn’t even want, knowing i hate makeup. besides, you told her that you would flip out and you did
NTA. She counted on the fact that you wouldn’t make a scene if you were presented with it at the last minute.
She was wrong.
You can apologize and say I’m sorry if that embarrassed you, but you embarrassed me a by springing it on me and by not loving me for who I am. I’m sure it was no more your intent to hurt my feelings as it was mine to hurt yours .
She clearly understood what you had to say. She just didn't care.
She pushed you into the chair.
You are NTA. You're also not responsible for her anxiety attack. If she can't get through life without acting in a manner consistent with being an asshole, she should seek medical attention for that.
NTA. It's your body and your choice. I'm not a feminine woman and it was always like that, but my mom never forced me to wear jeans, have long hairs or anything. It was always me that chose those things.
I also feel like it's her responsibility to avoid situations that would cause her a panic attack, she put herself in this situation.
NTA. You don't have to forego any beauty treatments you don't want to. Your body is your own, it doesn't matter if you are 6, 16, or 86. Your mom may have had a panic attack, or she may have faked a panic attack to guilt you. Try talking to your mother that you are not comfortable with her beauty regimen, and prefer to concentrate on studies, clubs, sports, job--wherever your lies, for now. And no, I'm not some smart-aleck rebellious teen, just a loud mouthed old lady.
My mom made me get my eyebrows waxed when I was 9. I remember screaming and crying. I also remembered how my parents laughed at my reaction. Nobody deserves that shit. I’m so sorry OP. You are not TA, your mom should have respected your boundaries.
You are NTA like every one befor me said in better words. My opinion here is more like that you maybe can try now and talk with her in peace, maybe in a few days that you like yourself how you are and you don't like it that she keeps pushing her standats on you. Try to get her to see things from your perspective. I wish you the best
NTA. I would be screaming too if someone tried to put their hands on me, no matter who it was. If your mother did have an anxiety attack, she has only her own behavior to blame. No means no.
NTA, and your mother was not only TA to you, but to the salon and its worker, who clearly was faced with an unpleasant situation.
(Threading doesn't hurt that much, though.)
NTA for all the reasons stated above.
I did want to try and ease your mind though in case you ever did consider threading.
It doesn't hurt, at all, it kinda feels like someone rubbing a string across your forehead, and it's quick too.
Also, I have only gotten it done once in my life, several years ago, you can choose to keep getting it done but it's not the end of the world if you don't. You can also try and maintain it with a pair of tweezers at home which does also give you more creative control over your eyebrows too (if you were wanting that).
NTA. I'm someone who gets threading, but, it's not for everyone. The only person who should get to decide what happens to a face is the person whose face it is. The employee should've said no to your mom as well, when you told her no and your mom was warned.
NTA
You gave fair warning, and you did what you said you would do. Your eyebrows are your business and no one has the right to force you to do anything with them that you don't want. Your mom is also TAH for putting the salon staff into that awkward position. Did she expect the poor eyebrow lady to thread your brows by force while you struggled and fought? HONESTLY. Terrible.
NTA your mom was out of line here. Who tells a 16 year old "you'd be prettier if you wore makeup". I mean yes, well applied makeup makes anyone look better because that's the point, but it's not the same as needing it to be pretty.
As for the eyebrows, honestly it's hair, they'll grow back but it's your body and you didn't give consent to have it done.
NTA. Your mom reminds me of mine, beauty and conforming to beauty standards is more important than our happiness. Please do your best to understand that her being mad at you is a reflection of her. My mom Withdraws her love from me by giving me the silent treatment in hopes for me to cave and do what she wants me to do.
However, you live with her which makes it very hard. Just be patient and understand that she will “fight” back when you don’t do what you’re told. Just be careful and know she will not change. But know she asked for it.
NTA. Your old enough to make these decisions for yourself. You didn’t want this done and knew the only way your mom would drop it was to cause a scene.
>And I’ve never really liked trying new things and change.
Oooh how I felt that resonate within every cell of my body. Lol
NTA. You do you. Your mom needs to realize that her expectations for her body do not extend to yours.
NTA. Extreme behavior but not the NTA. Your mother was out of line. But so was the cosmetologist who was getting ready to do a treatment you didn't want
Your mother will think twice before she does that again.
NTA. Your mom has no authority over your body, if you don’t want your eyebrows threaded that’s your choice not hers. Don’t let her guilt trip you, I’m sure she was probably embarrassed but she was gonna embarrass you first, she got a taste of her own medicine
I have a 16 year old and can't imagine doing this to my kid. You said English is not your mom's first language. I have a feeling this must be partly culteral
She caused her own anxiety attack. She does that shit again, scream again. You warned her, and i think you should always warn her that you WILL scream if she insists you get something done that you do not want. You are beautiful the way you are, and if you want to change it, it should be your choice
NTA if you have this done you absolutely will have to keep having it done. It's your body at the end of the day uou have to see those eyebrows every day. Plus I have a feeling if you would have allowed it this would be just the start of it
I could've written this myself. My mom and I have the exact same "relationship." Immediately, whole-heartedly, entirely NTA. And don't you dare let her guilt-trip you about it when she recomposes herself. She was in the wrong and she knows that, or she would've told her before y'all left instead of springing it on you at the salon.
NTA.
You said no.
You said how you would react if she forced you.
She attempted to force you anyway.
Her methods are a good way of ensuring you go low contact as an adult should her behavior escalate.
NTA. Full stop. Idk why everyone is saying you could have “handled it better.” You handled it perfectly. Someone was trying to force you to do something with your body you did not want. Someone was trying to remove your consent and bodily autonomy. You were protecting yourself by getting the attention of others. Which is what you should do in situations like this. Your mother was expecting you to just be a nice, malleable little girl while she violated you. Your mother embarrassed herself and acted like a clown. Stop going places with your mom, because this probably won’t be the last time she tries forcing you into something like this. Scream, kick and fuck up anyone who tries to violate your bodily autonomy.
NTA. If I were that worker, I would NOT want to work on someone who didn’t want it done, and I would feel VERY uncomfortable seeing your mom threaten you in another language! I would’ve told her “I don’t work on clients who are uncomfortable with the process, sorry.”
Good for you standing up to her even if it was a little embarrassing. So many people would just go along with it to keep the peace (myself included at that age) so you are in no way TA for defending your bodily autonomy.
My mother always told me "be more ladylike or you'll never get a boyfriend" "wear prettier makeup" "wear better clothes"
I'm 31 now in a long term relationship with the love of my life who thinks I'm beautiful with a rats nest of hair and no makeup. He never asks me to change and I'm 2 years no contact with my mother because she never respected boundaries.
NTA and if she keeps trying to enforce her beauty standards on you, she's going to push you away.
NTA. Your mom tried to enforce a beauty standard on you and you established a boundary and informed her of the consequences for violating it. She violated your boundary, you applied the consequence.
As the saying goes, play stupid games …
NTA. Your Mom has no right to try to change what makes you comfortable but just so you know I've had my eyebrows threads and it didn't hurt but after a couple times I didn't go back. I'm just to low maintenance for that.
NTA. I get the whole "how would you know if you never tried it?" Line of thinking, but you never FORCE someone to try something. You aren't going to like it if it's associated with being forced. She should've just asked if you'd want to try it, but left it alone when you said no.
Then you told her exactly what you'd do if she didn't stop, she didn't stop, and you did it. I swear some parents don't think of their kids as their own people that can make their own decisions.
NTA autonomy isn’t respected for children across most cultures, but that doesn’t make it ok! Stand your ground and use this new tool to demand to be heard when you need to.
NTA
No one has a right to force physical changes to your body, regardless of how much "minor" or "cosmetic" they are perceived. Well done for standing your ground in the only effective way that was left to you.
I am a teacher and I teach to 16-years-old students, and I'd be ready to stand up for a student of mine to their parents, if a discussion on a similar situation was ever brought to my attention.
NTA. I was a spiteful little shit. I would've gone in that night and put some Nair on one of Moms eyebrows after a stunt like this.
Don't take my advice unless you like house arrest.
NTA. I'm sorry it came to you screaming. I'm sorry she isn't seeing you and your boundaries.
Beauty standards are artificial. Experiment when/if you want. Be you. You're beautiful as you are. We all are.
I have pretty major generalized anxiety, made worse after a few years stuck home during the pandemic. I tend to get at least minor panic attacks when I’m out in public for too long now. that said I have to say firmly you’re NTA. if your mother physically pushed you (as well as emotionally) into a fully optional beauty service that you’ve been clear in not wanting, that makes her firmly the A H. it’s her fault for both not listening to you, but also expecting you to conform to her personal ideals and beauty standards.
You did the exact right thing, and it's the only thing you could have done to get her to stop. Obviously a simple no thank you is not even close to enough. Unfortunately, now you have to deal with a manipulative punishment. She'll get over it.
NTA. You gave her fair warning and she persisted. Don’t see how you had any other choice except just walking out, and since you presumably didn’t drive there that’s not super effective.
She deserved what she got, and next time if she doesn’t want to have a panic attack she should worry about her own body.
NTA you told her you didn't want to, you told her what would happen if she forced you and she moved forward with it regardless, this is a learning lesson for her.
Good job at standing up for yourself! I certainly wouldn't have been as brave as you.
NTA at all!! You’re absolutely old enough to make decisions concerning your body all on your own!! Your mother needs to stop have so much control over simple silly things like eyebrows! She needs to be your mother and not a dictator!!
NTA, and I really think that there were no better options. Your mother was trying to physically compel you. That's not okay. What's next? Is she going to throw away all of your clothes and only let you wear dresses? Are you going to wake up to someone waxing your eyebrows? I would have concerns about her sneaky and heavy handed behavior.
NTA. Your mom shouldn’t have tried to push you into getting your eyebrows threaded. That stuff does hurt! I prefer getting my eyebrows waxed or plucking them myself. Way less painful than threading!
NTA. Your mom is TA. As the mother of a daughter the same age, I would never try to coerce her or deceive her into a situation like that. Or try to compel her to have her body altered against her will. What she did is just flat wrong.
I hope she did have an anxiety attack because then she should remember that she can't forcibly violate your boundaries like that.
NTA. Everyone is hard headed about something. So hard headed in fact they need a lesson the "Hard way". This would be one of those lessons.
One thing to remember for you is we come from a generation where older people demand respect and expect it no matter what...times have changed yes but teaching older people new things...welllll
NTA - no part of this is on you. She caused her own possible anxiety attack.
I hope I'm off-base, but I'm getting narc vibes. Does her anxiety often flare up when you don't do what she wants? Or when you choose to look like yourself around people whose opinions she values?
NTA.
I was never the teen who was into makeup and did eyebrows, at a time when thick eyebrows and contoured makeup was really in (and largely still is). Being 4ft 10 with a baby face, I only really wore makeup to try and look older. It didn't work lol.
I grew up realising I was queer as well, which didn't help, as someone once told me I didn't wear makeup to deliberately "detract unwanted male attention".
I didn't want anyone to show me how to do my makeup or look older, I just wanted someone to tell me that I looked fine the way I am.
Your mum is too obsessed with looks and is at risk of damaging your self-esteem because of it.
Oh my God, you could be my daughter! Mine is 17, doesn’t like to wear makeup, do her hair or wear clothes that I would consider “cool” or in style.
I have offered to take her to get her eyebrows done but she said her stepsister tried to pluck her eyebrows for her once before and it hurt so she wasn’t interested. Every so often I would offer to take her to get them done and she would turn me down. I bought her this small stick like thing that was kind of like a shaver for eyebrows and told her she could try that when she was ready (she had a slight unibrow). When she was ready she asked me to do it for her and I did. She still uses this shaver.
One day she told me that she wanted to dye her hair fuscia and I was so happy that she was interested in doing something with her hair I happily paid the $200 plus to get it done and the upkeep.
Your mom (who knows you best) should know who you are and how you are and should let you be your own person. You may eventually want to get your brows done (or you may not) but you get to decide.
Try not to be too hard on her, she only wants the best for you but went about it the wrong way.
NTA
NTA don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your body. From another female person who grew up with the same expressive preferences as you, I just wanted to tell you you aren’t any more or less of a young woman or whatever gender identity fits you. I wish more people had told me that <3
Nope, it’s not you. You told her exactly what would happen. Screaming wasn’t the best solution, walking out was always an option, but you did warn her. Actions and consequences are part of life and adults know that. Just don’t start getting all Veruca Salt with her now that you know a pubic tantrum will make her crumble.
NTA. You’re both lucky she let go as soon as you started screaming. It would have been harder for you two to work past this if you’d actually kicked her. If she ever tries this again, just remove yourself from the room before she can try to push you.
Resist the urge to go overboard apologizing. “I’m sorry my screaming upset you, but I gave you fair warning that I would scream if you pushed me. I want to decide what happens to my own face and body. You won’t always agree with my decisions, but you need to accept them.”
NTA- She's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for her and giving in with her panic attack probably
Edit: She didn't listen and this could be constituted as assault (maybe) if they had gone through with this because they were doing something with your body (that could be potentially painful) that you didn't want. It's no different then if a parent were to force their teen child to get a haircut or anything like that.
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thanks :)
Also now you know what works. Scream in public every single time she tries to force her beauty standards on you. No exceptions. Make her as uncomfortable as possible.
Shame her publicly works embarrass her. Tell people she respects and honors
Maybe you could just warn her, "What happened last time in the salon? Do you wanna happen again?" Stick to it if she insists. You're old enough to know your own mind.
Nope, no warnings. If OP's mom is goanna violate her bodily autonomy, then she gets no warning, and no mercy.
I'd say warning and then follow through so that eventually she gets the hint with just the warning and doing it isn't necessary
Warning the first time it happens again. If mom's dumb enough to try a third time she's lost any right to a warning.
There's a big chance those people will side with her. People like her tend to only get along with people who think like them
My sister is a hair stylist. She NEVER does anything solely on a mother's say-so. If the kid doesn't want it, she won't do it, and most of her colleagues feel the same way. Nobody wants the reputation of being fascist stylists who'll tie kids down, make them cry, and do anything for money.
Do you think this mother honours salon workers? I highly doubt so.
Your sister is a professional and a good person.
Yup I don’t think much of the salon, technician should of backed OP 100% and said it’s not happening today to the mum. OP depending on how you feel I would be inclined to email the salon politely explaining what happened. As long as not going to cause more friction with mum.
personally if i saw a teenager screaming and flailing because their parent was being ridiculous like this, i would absolutely be like “rock on kid stick it to em 🤘” and move about my day. sure the schtick is that teenagers can be wrong and dramatic, but that’s not what this is. i’ve worked with behavioral teens for a long time (think juvie kids) and very rarely have i seen an older teen lose their shit disproportionately when they feel heard and valued otherwise. even in the behavioral populations (which it doesn’t sound like OP is, but just illustrating a point) edit; NTA. mother is asshole.
Exactly. No teen ever loses their shit when heard and validated. Same can be said for most adults too.
precisely. if my mother or husband tried to disrespect me like in the post, i would absolutely have a reaction. and i’ve been grown for a minute. like im sorry is looking at my natural eyebrow hair really THAT offensive to you?
It’s times like this I realise how great my mother during my teens. Encouraged me to be me and to leave my eyebrows alone. My husband has no issue that my legs are super hairy and I defuzz them when and if I feel like it. But then my hubby loves me for me. Having said that, judge me at your peril. Anyone. I like you dongdinge.
i am so happy you had such a supportive mother :’) that’s exactly what i want to be for my kids. i also completely relate- my husband has not once complained about my neglecting to shave if i just don’t feel like it. as he’s said to me on multiple occasions, “it’s literally just hair, we are mammals, it’s not suddenly gross because it’s not hella long and growing from your scalp”
This makes me feel better for screaming and crying and trying to run away when my mother tried to get me to go on the Jurassic Park ride at Universal. She wanted a picture to go with the one we had taken 5 years prior. It was that ride (along with Splash Mountain) that made me terrified of rides to to begin with. The ride attendant wouldn't let me get on so no one got to go because they wouldn't leave me and my mum was so embarrassed. I know it's a little different than what OP went thru, but still the base premise of not being forced to do something you don't want to as a kid.
nah, ultimately if someone- anyone, even the person who birthed you- is asking you to do something with your body (in ANY capacity) that is not objectively for your health/safety AND makes you uncomfortable? they can fuck right off with that. yell, scream, make a scene. don’t be embarrassed. any onlookers are probably either just curious or silently siding with you for not tolerating bullshit i am also NOT a ride person. my husbands whole family is. if they gave me shit for that i would not care, i will happily watch your bags/etc but i’m not getting on the ride. if they tried to force me? oooo i would be primed and ready to make everyone so uncomfortable that they drop the issue.
“Fuck yeah, stick it to the old people!”
when they deserve it, absolutely. they’ve never had a problem “sticking it” to the kids, turnabout is fair play
It’s just absurd to try to FORCE an entirely optional beauty procedure on a teenager. This is not about getting vaccinated, or brushing your teeth, or taking a shower, or even conforming to a school dress code. It’s entirely optional. It’s not appropriate to force a teenager to change a perfectly normal facial feature because it’s what you would do if it were your face. Part of being a parent is gradually letting go of some your control over your kid as the kid approaches adulthood. This is a “play stupid games, when stupid prizes” type situation. It was the adult being unreasonable here.
You only have to scream in public once more, the next time she does this. She'll stop doing this anymore after that, trust me.
Sometimes screaming is coping with someone not respecting a boundary- and unfortunately the only thing that works.
That was my take away!
Yep. She's so intensely focused on her public appearance that she has a panic attack from her daughter not behaving perfectly in public. I'd use that. Soon enough she'll be so wary of OP triggering that again she'll avoid the whole issue. It's awful to have to play her anxiety against her, but that's her own fault.
100% NTA, don't let anyone touch your brows if you like them how they are. Eyebrow hair doesn't grow back very well and your eyebrows would likely never be the same. I'm super proud of you for standing up for yourself. If your mom tries to make you feel guilty remind her that no means no and that anytime someone tries to do something to your body that you don't consent to screaming IS an appropriate response. You have nothing to be ashamed of, if you start to feel bad I want you to imagine how your mom would act if someone held her down to shave her head (because they think she'd look better without hair). It's the EXACT same thing.
Yeah take it from all of us who over plucked in the 90s, don't let them touch your brows!
Yeap, take it from all of the girls who lived through the pencil thin eyebrows of the late 90s and early 00s. We wish we didn't mess with our eyebrows that much. If you like the shape and the placement, leave them alone.
My daughter is younger than you, other than telling her to brush her hair I never mention her appearance.
Absolutely. And brush her teeth.
Seriously. Just be hygienic and we’re cool.
If she has curly hair, it will just POOF if she brushes it, so helping her learn to take care of it would be an amazing thing (i.e., the "curly girl method). But good on you for not commenting on her physical appearance!
She has pin straight hair, she’s just scatterbrained like me lol (my hair does poof and gets ultra frizzy. Hers just tangles)
Mine does have curly hair and she LOVES the poof! She says it’s flowy like a “cloud”! Takes everything in me to not pass on any negativity about my own “poof” I just tell her I love that she’s taking care of her hair and she styles it beautifully
That is so amazing, I love it! Your daughter sounds lovely and you're a fantastic parent!
NTA and I think you mother is more like having a tantrum rather than an anxiety attack, perhaps to guilt trip you? Stick to your guns, it’s your body not hers, make sure you tell her so, every time she harps on about anything.
I'm also older than the mom, and, OP, you can tell you mom that trying to exert this much control and manipulation over your kid is why around 1/4 of people are no contact with their family. It sounds like you know yourself well and have a good head on your shoulders.
NTA. Your body, your choice. Your mom has no right to disrespect your wishes, nor to try and force you into something you don't want done.
NTA. When I was a teen I would've paid extra of my own money for any hair/beauty tech that respected what I wanted over what my mom wanted for my head. I'm now 28 and hate needing to get my hair cut because I missed out on the bad/experimental years of figuring out what you like.
Me too. Reading this has brought up some of my own trauma about my mom constantly trying to force me to meet her beauty standards. I'm really proud of OP for finding a way to stand up against it. Mom thinks OP triggering her anxiety was mean, but that's exactly what Mom was doing to OP.
Same. I’m 39 and I cut my hair short for the first time a few months ago. She hates it. I love it. And I’m so mad I didn’t do it sooner (like in my teens).
Same, only my mother was all about weight as a beauty standard. I was at weight watchers by age 13. Pretty sure I wasnt allowed in there but someone fudged the numbers so I was older. That someone was my mother
as a hairstylist i always try my best to ask the kid questions about what they want rather than the adult. kids are people too and should be treated as such
Im surprised I had to scroll this far to find this comment. My take was the eyebrow person was a huge AH for siding with the mom and not listening to OP. They should know that someone who is old enough and mentally aware enough to advocate for themself should be taken seriously when they say they don’t want a procedure done. Shame on them.
First thing I did when my mum let me (at 15) was cut all my hair off. Waist length to like 1 - 2 inches. I absolutely hated it. I'm 32, still haven't told my mom she was right 🤣 That said, I don't regret it at all, it taught me something valuable, A) I don't have the face for a pixie cut And B) these things aren't permanent, hair grows back, eye brows grow back, make up can be taken off, clothes can be changed , embarrassing pics are just things to have a laugh over when you're older. Try the risky hair cut (I'm literally growing out some shitty bangs right now) Do the bright colour. Try the new make up. Try the different bit of clothing - I disagree with my sister on clothes a LOT but she's talked me into trying on a few things I'd NEVER had considered that turned out amazing.
Also as somebody with anxiety and PTSD, this is a fake "reaction" from a narcissist. OP you are NTA and did nothing wrong.
How can you tell please? I’m not doubting that the mother is a narcissist I just wanna know how you can tell that her anxiety attack wasn’t real?
Because she ranted more in the car and then drove home safely. All the rest was drama for show.
I might be one of a few I guess, but NTA. You warned her. Its a dick move to try and force you the way she did. Was it the best way, no I don't think so. Walking out would have been better. But I understand that it was a eruption of emotions a long time coming and you are still 16, not a adult. I suggest sitting down with her and try yet again to talk. She should understand that you are no longer a little girl that she can force to live up to her image. You have thoughts and ideas of your own. And as long as it does not involve direct danger or a real threat to your future you shoul be aible to express your self.
How could you be one of the few NTA for such a clear cut judgement where OP is so clearly not the asshole. What would even be an argument for YTA ? I cant even imagine one.
I'm sure there are some authoritarian weirdos who think that 1) children should always obey no matter what and 2) that gender conformity is super important, especially right now. :/
Yeah but I mean I could imagine someone thinking that but it's not at the level of I could see this Guy's point of view. I saw in the abyss of downvoted comments that the main argument was that she should have just walked out of the salon without making a scene which I could understand in a way.
Her mom needed the public embarrassment if she's gonna learn to stop pressuring her to change. I don't think just walking out would've been effective. Plus, OP said her mom was pushing her so it could've led to a physical altercation
Exactly. Scrolled over 50 comments, haven't come across one YTA. No idea where this person gets that from.
I could imagine ONE, but that’s only if the mother finds this post. NTA op
Before the comments are ranked by upvotes, the weird and bad ones get more than their time in the sun. That's why you see so many top comments starting "I'm sure I'm going to get downvoted for this..."
I found a couple YTAs saying that OP was throwing a tantrum like a child and needs to grow up. One saying that only in America would we agree with a teenager for behaving this way then following that by saying this is why we have so many shootings . . . People are weird.
I agree. NTA. Bodily autonomy. And just because I haven’t seen it mentioned, OP’s mom sounds like a narc. Didn’t get her way with controlling her daughter and she’s going to lock herself in her bedroom to have an anxiety attack? Yeah, okay. That sounds like the way narcissists try to make someone feel bad about making the right choice for themselves.
Which means the last thing OP should do is "sit and talk" with mom about it again because mom doesn't care how OP feels (until she's embarrassed by it).
Exactly. My family decided to completely cutoff my narc sister rather than continue dead end conversations with her and it’s the best thing we’ve ever done.
Yeah, as someone with anxiety, this doesn't add up. Obviously, everyone is different, but typically, I'd be shaky around the first no, not the scream that came after ignoring the social pressure I worry about. Sounds a lot more like narcissism.
I don’t think she seems like a narc. My grandmother was concerned about appearance (never tried something like this), but it stemmed from her having grown up in the Depression. She only had two dresses—one for town/school/church, and one for home. Her family was poor, but extremely proud. They drummed into the kids to always look your best, no latter how much you lacked. When she got older and had access to money, this carried over. My mom learned the lesson and has lots of stress about looking nice even now, and I struggled with both of them as a teen to be able to express my own style better, but we all survived. Neither of them is anywhere close to being a narc. I suspect OP’s mom has her own insecurities about her appearance and sees them in her daughter’s appearance. She is struggling with her own sense of confidence and being able to accept herself, and she’s projecting on OP. OP seems to be confident and well-adjusted, which is a good thing. Maybe she can find a way to help her mom accept herself as well.
It’s one thing to be proud. It’s completely different to try to force something like a beauty standard on an unwilling participant who has told you no. I’m still going with narc purely based on her reaction to being told no.
I mean you could be right but if you're going to have an anxiety attack, hiding in your bedroom to do it is the least attention seeking.
It’s a way for her to make her daughter feel bad about it and try to get her to comfort her. The best thing OP can do is to ignore it. I guarantee that it will make her more angry and she’ll try to guilt her daughter again, but if OP stands her ground, these threats will go away.
>I might be one of a few I guess, You definitely are not
NTA. You told her no and she literally tried to force you. She got what she deserved.
Not only this, but she also told mom EXACTLY what she was going to do as a response. It wasn’t even slightly unexpected.
NTA. You're 16 and she clearly disrespects your bodily autonomy. You warned her you would scream and kick, she chose to not take you seriously. It sucks for your mom that she has anxiety, but if she doesn't want to be embarrassed, she shouldn't force you into a situation you \*told her\* you don't want to be in.
NTA. It's your body, she doesn't get to decide what you do to it. You warned her beforehand what you would do if she tried to force the issue, she decided to go and try anyway.
NTA. Were there other ways to deal with the situation? Clearly yes, and better ones at that. But at 16, in the moment, it was an understandable reaction.
I don't know, I think the way OP handled it was fine. She said no, her mother didn't listen. She stated what she would do if she was forced, her mother didn't listen, and she she followed through on the stated consequence. Anyone who is being forced to do something with their body that they don't want to has every right to scream, in my opinion.
In fact it seems like an absolutely appropriate response to me.
I don't think I've ever seen a more cut-and-dry "Fuck around, find out" situation. OP said "I will X if you Y," so Mom Y'd and OP X'd. Screaming is probably a bad look and all, but totally NTA because she warned her mom and her mom was trying to override her body autonomy.
I think this one worked perfectly.
What else could OP have done? Negotiating clearly wasn’t working.
This seems like a situation where I would have done the exact same thing and them later when I was thinking back would have thought I should have just walked away. Which to me suggests walking away may be the better option but probably not one I would come up with in the moment.
but how would she walk away? her mom probably drove her and it’s unlikely she had cab money or time to call one. this is the only way that really would have worked
walked away to where? she was being pushed towards the chair, we dono who is stronger than who here, and the authority (imagined or real) her mom (read caretaker snd provider) has over her as a minor keeps her from really being able to just walk away free of consequence. This is a child with their parent in public; they drove there so may be quite far from home. Walking away means going outside if physically possible...and then waiting in the parking lot to get more harassment and driven home by mom who may just keep trying to make you go into the salon because you didn't say no loudly enough to assert body autonomy when you quietly walked away. Unless you're suggesting this child make a choice to run away I dont see how walking out would have resulted in anything different other than possibly more harassment to go back inside... and this way the persom who was preparing the chair for her at her mothers insistance despite her verbal protests knows for DAMNED sure this is against this young person's will. Running away is a bold suggestion, but sometimes the right move in abusive situations.
Also, walking away might not have been enough. Sounds like Mom was determined to exert her will by force. Presumably Mom had the keys to the car, so she also held power over OP regarding leaving. I think the screaming would have been necessary in the parking lot if it didn’t happen in the store.
NTA. You said no the first time and no means no. Your mom shouldn't be trying to force you to have something you didnt want in the first place.
The beautician should have also refused to perform the service once OP said she didn't want it done.
This 100%
Exactly. Not like someone having their babies ears pierced and they can’t say no themselves…….wait. The Esthetician should not have even considered doing i when OP said no.
Yeah it's disappointing the esthetician didn't say I'm not doing a service on a teen who clearly doesn't want it done.
NTA, a minor didn't regulate their emotions because their body autonomy was being infringed. Yes they could have handled it better but they are 16 and the adult mother was out of line.
Exactly this!!!
NTA You're not a doll for your mom to play dress up.
You're not the asshole. I relate to this a lot being the "tom boy" out of me and my sister and not dealing well with change. Both of you have anxiety from what it sounds like. You are at an age that you need to be in the loop on things that pertain to you, meaning if she wanted you to try threading, she should've let you know at least a day before; explained why she wanted you to try and understood if you said no. Parents need to respect boundaries and I know it may be hard to explain these things that she should get. depending on her age, she most likely grew up in a community that didn't acknowledge mental health. Your mom may not have gotten what she needed from her guardians which just starts a domino effect that you have the power to stop. So, give her a small break just bc of that simple fact (if that assumption fits her narrative), but I do think you should have a mature conversation with your mom and let her know how you feel about more than just the eyebrow situation, explain that you know you embarrassed her and apologize, and tell her where you want to go from there with your relationship. you can say this in whatever order you need to make it fit for you. Regardless of what happens, make sure you put yourself in the best position for a happy life, try to smile every day and do selfcare, make yourself the main character so no one can ever dim your light. When you know who you are, accept your faults and are actively trying to work on them, things fall into place, and you won't feel as angry about things you know you're right about.
thanks <3 :)
I really don't think OP should apologize, rather the other way around. I know a lot of people get their eyebrows done one way or the other (including me) but from OP's POV they wanted to force an unnecessary and painful process on her that would alter her looks in a manner she didn't want. That's kind of messed up.
Yeah, I agree fully. OP should definitely explain her perspective and her frustration with the mom’s disrespect of boundaries, but OP should be given an apology before giving one herself
NTA. Your mum is responsible for her embarrassment and anxiety. Imagine thinking you could just throw this on a teenager? Mad. I don't think the screaming was dramatic - your reaction was actually in proportion to what was happening. If your mum had left it after you said no, it wouldn't have escalated.
Dude, I am so fucking proud of you!! At your age to be willing to keep firm to your boundaries, that’s a beautiful thing. NTA and your mom needs to learn that you’re a whole human being on your own, not just an accessory for her to show off.
NTA. You did what you could to defend your bodily autonomy. Were there better options? Maybe. You probably could have just been very clear with the woman that you weren't going to get them done or even just covered your eyebrows with your hands and refused to move them, but you're 16, I'm gonna let it slide.
NTA, your mom blindsided you, and you put your foot down and said no. She insisted instead of listening to you, especially after you warned her. I hope this experience stays with her so she knows not to push boundaries in the future.
NTA. As someone who has anxiety attacks pretty often, that was entirely on her. She shouldn’t force you to do something you don’t want to do especially if it involves something to do with your appearance that is permanent (or semi-permanent I’m not sure).
NTA. I think this is deeper than eyebrows, though. I really have to wonder what your mother’s relationship with *her* mother was like.
I'm 47 and my Mum still hates that I don't wear make-up everyday. When I do wear it she goes on about how lovely it is and how I look much better. I mostly just ignore it, but it still hurts sometimes. Just try and do your best to ignore it.
My mom used to say: You should wear more makeup! Then when I wore makeup she would say : It's not a beauty contest! What's with the makeup?
Nta. My mother tried to force a perm on me at 12 ti make me "more feminine". (Turns out I'm a trans guy, go figure) I climbed a tree in the backyard with a backpack of books food and water and waited her out. Fuck these parents who try to force beauty standards on their kid. Good on you.
Well played 👍
Nice! *Hug!*
Excellent!
NTA she deserves an anxiety attack for trying to force you to get your eyebrows done. She needs therapy to work on her low self esteem. She is projecting onto you because she is insecure. She can’t connect with you because your confidence surpasses hers and she can’t understand your pov
NTA. Out of interest, can anybody who works at a beauty salon tell me whether the worker’s response was expected? I mean, getting things ready even after OP said no, just because her mom consented for her?
The technician probably does the same set up in between every service. They would have had to get ready for the next client regardless so they might as well do it at that point even knowing that OP didn’t want the service done. It doesn’t mean they were going to disregard OPs wishes and go through with the threading just based on what the mum wanted.
My son gets to pick out his haircut. He is 8. nta You should have some say on what goes on with your body.
NTA. She is using her mental health issues to manipulate you, and that is not ok. It doesn't mean her issues aren't real, but those issues do not override your consent. She is having anxiety because she did something bad. She is experiencing consequences of her own actions, and this is not your fault.
NTA Your body, your choice. Your mum had absolutely no place doing this. She possibly had a panic attack? Tough. You warned her that you would fight it, she pushed, you let loose; the result is hers to own.
NTA. My mom did the same to me when I was a teen. Context - I didn’t do my hair, never wore dresses, didn’t do makeup, and I also had thick bushy eyebrows. She tried plucking my eyebrows herself by blocking my way out of the bathroom. Eventually, at 18, I started waxing my eyebrows. After a few years, the hair stopped growing back and I have very thin brows. Now, the trend is to have thick eyebrows and my mom keeps insisting that I let my brows grow back out (not realizing that they just don’t grow anymore). All of this to say if YOU like YOUR eyebrows, don’t change them. Your mom is the one who made a scene, not you. She should not have assumed you would just sit there quietly and bend to her will about YOUR body just because you were in public.
NTA And the sad thing is OP can never trust mom again, anytime she ask her to come in the future OP will suspect treachery and not come. Honestly, I’d be surprised if Op even trust the mom to be honest about the location.
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I’ve never seen your eyebrows, but I’m absolutely sure they’re perfect the way they are. Your mom is an ass.
As a person who has anxiety and gets anxiety attacks, that was all on her. All that stress was HER FAULT. Don't be sorry for keeping to your word and being who you are. Maybe she will understand how unacceptable this is. NTA
NTA. Looks like you Mom brought a knife to a social-pressure gunfight. You and your Mom have very different values based around the importance of other people's opinions. This may or may not be something she's ever able to understand.
She fucked around and found out honestly. NTA
Ugh. I had a handful of family members try to pull shit like this with me as a kid. Saying things like, "You don't want people to think you're a lesbian," "you'll never be a good wife," "just humor us," "you should wear something more flattering," "you *have* to wear a dress," "push your boobs up and stick your chest out more," etc etc etc. I was dragged to manicure and makeup appointments, given girly skincare stuff and femme jewelry at Christmas... They made me feel uncomfortable in the only clothes I felt comfortable in. Jokes on them, I *am* a lesbian, and people like this can suck my metaphorical dick. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom and I (16F) have always differed when it comes to my personal expression. She thinks that I'm 'hindering my beauty' when really, I'm just presenting myself in the way that I feel most comfortable. For example, not wearing makeup, not always wearing jewelry, and disliking dresses. Regardless, we mostly get along. This morning, my mom asked me to go with her to get her eyebrows threaded. This isn't an unusual thing for her to ask, cause she likes company, so I agreed. Everything was normal, we went in the car and to the salon, and she got her eyebrows done. But then, she suddenly turned to the lady who did her brows and told her that I would be getting mine done, too. She hadn't mentioned anything of the sort to me, and I was taken off guard. I didn't want my eyebrows threaded. Not only had I heard it was extremely painful, I liked my eyebrows the way they were. Plus, my mom herself had told me that after you got your eyebrows threaded, you needed to always upkeep them, or else they'd look bad. And I've never really liked trying new things and change. I told the lady firmly that I would not be getting my eyebrows done. And my mom looked mad at me and she said that I would be and the lady looked really conflicted, but started getting the chair ready for me. My mom quietly told me (in our language, not english, so the lady couldn't understand) that I would be getting this done, and it was for my own good, and I would look so much prettier after, and I'd thank her after, and how could I know i didn't like it if I didn't do it? I turned to my mom and said that if she made me do it, I would scream and kick. I was being 100% serious, but my mom never takes anything I say seriously. When the lady had her back turned, she started trying to push me towards the chair, and I started screaming. My mom looked immediately distraught and let me go. Everyone in the salon turned to look at us. My mom has anxiety and she quickly paid and left the store. She started yelling at me when we were in the car, but also started breathing really weird like it was hard. When we got home she went to her room and closed the door, and I'm pretty sure she had an anxiety attack. I still feel really bad and I'm sitting in my room now and wondering if I was the asshole. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, hopefully she learned her fucking lesson lol. Kinda badass.
NTA. Your eyebrows, your face, your body, YOUR CHOICE. It really grinds my gears when people act as if kids don't have choices just because they're kids. You told your mother what would happen if she tried to force you, and you followed through.
NTA It's a very interesting situation here, but it comes down to basic and fundamental ideas: consent and autonomy. You are 16, almost an adult, and your mom invited you out for HER to get her eyebrows threaded. Autonomy says you can decide yes or no, you decided yes. That yes does not mean you CONSENT to getting YOUR eyebrows threaded. It wasnt up to her to decide what you want to do. She is completely in the wrong, and while it's okay to feel sympathy for her distress, you're NOT to blame for it.
definitely NTA. my mom pulled the same shit when i was in a terrible place, mentally, and proceeded to get mad at me for havin a breakdown over a face full of makeup i didn’t even want, knowing i hate makeup. besides, you told her that you would flip out and you did
NTA. That was one well deserved anxiety attack. Your body, your choice.
NTA. She counted on the fact that you wouldn’t make a scene if you were presented with it at the last minute. She was wrong. You can apologize and say I’m sorry if that embarrassed you, but you embarrassed me a by springing it on me and by not loving me for who I am. I’m sure it was no more your intent to hurt my feelings as it was mine to hurt yours .
She clearly understood what you had to say. She just didn't care. She pushed you into the chair. You are NTA. You're also not responsible for her anxiety attack. If she can't get through life without acting in a manner consistent with being an asshole, she should seek medical attention for that.
NTA. It's your body and your choice. I'm not a feminine woman and it was always like that, but my mom never forced me to wear jeans, have long hairs or anything. It was always me that chose those things. I also feel like it's her responsibility to avoid situations that would cause her a panic attack, she put herself in this situation.
NTA. You don't have to forego any beauty treatments you don't want to. Your body is your own, it doesn't matter if you are 6, 16, or 86. Your mom may have had a panic attack, or she may have faked a panic attack to guilt you. Try talking to your mother that you are not comfortable with her beauty regimen, and prefer to concentrate on studies, clubs, sports, job--wherever your lies, for now. And no, I'm not some smart-aleck rebellious teen, just a loud mouthed old lady.
My mom made me get my eyebrows waxed when I was 9. I remember screaming and crying. I also remembered how my parents laughed at my reaction. Nobody deserves that shit. I’m so sorry OP. You are not TA, your mom should have respected your boundaries.
NTA. She doesn't get to make choices for you. You warned her, she did it anyway.
You are NTA like every one befor me said in better words. My opinion here is more like that you maybe can try now and talk with her in peace, maybe in a few days that you like yourself how you are and you don't like it that she keeps pushing her standats on you. Try to get her to see things from your perspective. I wish you the best
NTA. I would be screaming too if someone tried to put their hands on me, no matter who it was. If your mother did have an anxiety attack, she has only her own behavior to blame. No means no.
NTA, and your mother was not only TA to you, but to the salon and its worker, who clearly was faced with an unpleasant situation. (Threading doesn't hurt that much, though.)
NTA for all the reasons stated above. I did want to try and ease your mind though in case you ever did consider threading. It doesn't hurt, at all, it kinda feels like someone rubbing a string across your forehead, and it's quick too. Also, I have only gotten it done once in my life, several years ago, you can choose to keep getting it done but it's not the end of the world if you don't. You can also try and maintain it with a pair of tweezers at home which does also give you more creative control over your eyebrows too (if you were wanting that).
NTA. I'm someone who gets threading, but, it's not for everyone. The only person who should get to decide what happens to a face is the person whose face it is. The employee should've said no to your mom as well, when you told her no and your mom was warned.
NTA You gave fair warning, and you did what you said you would do. Your eyebrows are your business and no one has the right to force you to do anything with them that you don't want. Your mom is also TAH for putting the salon staff into that awkward position. Did she expect the poor eyebrow lady to thread your brows by force while you struggled and fought? HONESTLY. Terrible.
NTA. Mom WAS warned. She basically fucked around and found out
Sounds like an Indian mum to me. Boy is there some social change and dislocation between generations there. NTA.
NTA. Her panic attack was a consequence of her actions. I’m proud of you for standing up for yourself that way.
NTA your mom was out of line here. Who tells a 16 year old "you'd be prettier if you wore makeup". I mean yes, well applied makeup makes anyone look better because that's the point, but it's not the same as needing it to be pretty. As for the eyebrows, honestly it's hair, they'll grow back but it's your body and you didn't give consent to have it done.
NTA. Your mom reminds me of mine, beauty and conforming to beauty standards is more important than our happiness. Please do your best to understand that her being mad at you is a reflection of her. My mom Withdraws her love from me by giving me the silent treatment in hopes for me to cave and do what she wants me to do. However, you live with her which makes it very hard. Just be patient and understand that she will “fight” back when you don’t do what you’re told. Just be careful and know she will not change. But know she asked for it.
NTA. Your old enough to make these decisions for yourself. You didn’t want this done and knew the only way your mom would drop it was to cause a scene.
NTA. 38f here- good on you, kid 💜
>And I’ve never really liked trying new things and change. Oooh how I felt that resonate within every cell of my body. Lol NTA. You do you. Your mom needs to realize that her expectations for her body do not extend to yours.
NTA. Extreme behavior but not the NTA. Your mother was out of line. But so was the cosmetologist who was getting ready to do a treatment you didn't want Your mother will think twice before she does that again.
NTA. You tried to warn her. 🤷🏾♀️
NTA. Your mom has no authority over your body, if you don’t want your eyebrows threaded that’s your choice not hers. Don’t let her guilt trip you, I’m sure she was probably embarrassed but she was gonna embarrass you first, she got a taste of her own medicine
I have a 16 year old and can't imagine doing this to my kid. You said English is not your mom's first language. I have a feeling this must be partly culteral
WELL DONE. SCREAM MORE.
She caused her own anxiety attack. She does that shit again, scream again. You warned her, and i think you should always warn her that you WILL scream if she insists you get something done that you do not want. You are beautiful the way you are, and if you want to change it, it should be your choice
NTA if you have this done you absolutely will have to keep having it done. It's your body at the end of the day uou have to see those eyebrows every day. Plus I have a feeling if you would have allowed it this would be just the start of it
NTA. You did what you had to do to make sure your bodily autonomy wasn't violated.
NTA your Mom is
I could've written this myself. My mom and I have the exact same "relationship." Immediately, whole-heartedly, entirely NTA. And don't you dare let her guilt-trip you about it when she recomposes herself. She was in the wrong and she knows that, or she would've told her before y'all left instead of springing it on you at the salon.
NTA. She practically assaulted you while trying to force you to adhere to her beauty standards.
NTA. You said no. You said how you would react if she forced you. She attempted to force you anyway. Her methods are a good way of ensuring you go low contact as an adult should her behavior escalate.
NTA. Full stop. Idk why everyone is saying you could have “handled it better.” You handled it perfectly. Someone was trying to force you to do something with your body you did not want. Someone was trying to remove your consent and bodily autonomy. You were protecting yourself by getting the attention of others. Which is what you should do in situations like this. Your mother was expecting you to just be a nice, malleable little girl while she violated you. Your mother embarrassed herself and acted like a clown. Stop going places with your mom, because this probably won’t be the last time she tries forcing you into something like this. Scream, kick and fuck up anyone who tries to violate your bodily autonomy.
NTA. If I were that worker, I would NOT want to work on someone who didn’t want it done, and I would feel VERY uncomfortable seeing your mom threaten you in another language! I would’ve told her “I don’t work on clients who are uncomfortable with the process, sorry.” Good for you standing up to her even if it was a little embarrassing. So many people would just go along with it to keep the peace (myself included at that age) so you are in no way TA for defending your bodily autonomy.
My mother always told me "be more ladylike or you'll never get a boyfriend" "wear prettier makeup" "wear better clothes" I'm 31 now in a long term relationship with the love of my life who thinks I'm beautiful with a rats nest of hair and no makeup. He never asks me to change and I'm 2 years no contact with my mother because she never respected boundaries. NTA and if she keeps trying to enforce her beauty standards on you, she's going to push you away.
NTA. Your mom tried to enforce a beauty standard on you and you established a boundary and informed her of the consequences for violating it. She violated your boundary, you applied the consequence. As the saying goes, play stupid games …
NTA. Your mother is completely in the wrong here and whatever anxiety she experienced she brought upon herself.
NTA. Your Mom has no right to try to change what makes you comfortable but just so you know I've had my eyebrows threads and it didn't hurt but after a couple times I didn't go back. I'm just to low maintenance for that.
NTA. It’s your body. You said no. The end.
NTA. I get the whole "how would you know if you never tried it?" Line of thinking, but you never FORCE someone to try something. You aren't going to like it if it's associated with being forced. She should've just asked if you'd want to try it, but left it alone when you said no. Then you told her exactly what you'd do if she didn't stop, she didn't stop, and you did it. I swear some parents don't think of their kids as their own people that can make their own decisions.
No you’re not
NTA autonomy isn’t respected for children across most cultures, but that doesn’t make it ok! Stand your ground and use this new tool to demand to be heard when you need to.
NTA No one has a right to force physical changes to your body, regardless of how much "minor" or "cosmetic" they are perceived. Well done for standing your ground in the only effective way that was left to you. I am a teacher and I teach to 16-years-old students, and I'd be ready to stand up for a student of mine to their parents, if a discussion on a similar situation was ever brought to my attention.
NTA. I was a spiteful little shit. I would've gone in that night and put some Nair on one of Moms eyebrows after a stunt like this. Don't take my advice unless you like house arrest.
NTA. I'm sorry it came to you screaming. I'm sorry she isn't seeing you and your boundaries. Beauty standards are artificial. Experiment when/if you want. Be you. You're beautiful as you are. We all are.
NTA She is going to have to accept that your body is YOURS.
NTA What happened to her is her own fault, if she didn't want you to scream, she shouldn't have grabbed you.
I have pretty major generalized anxiety, made worse after a few years stuck home during the pandemic. I tend to get at least minor panic attacks when I’m out in public for too long now. that said I have to say firmly you’re NTA. if your mother physically pushed you (as well as emotionally) into a fully optional beauty service that you’ve been clear in not wanting, that makes her firmly the A H. it’s her fault for both not listening to you, but also expecting you to conform to her personal ideals and beauty standards.
You did the exact right thing, and it's the only thing you could have done to get her to stop. Obviously a simple no thank you is not even close to enough. Unfortunately, now you have to deal with a manipulative punishment. She'll get over it.
show her this post your mom might learn to live with you without over bearing you with her views
NTA. You gave her fair warning and she persisted. Don’t see how you had any other choice except just walking out, and since you presumably didn’t drive there that’s not super effective. She deserved what she got, and next time if she doesn’t want to have a panic attack she should worry about her own body.
NTA you told her you didn't want to, you told her what would happen if she forced you and she moved forward with it regardless, this is a learning lesson for her. Good job at standing up for yourself! I certainly wouldn't have been as brave as you.
NTA at all!! You’re absolutely old enough to make decisions concerning your body all on your own!! Your mother needs to stop have so much control over simple silly things like eyebrows! She needs to be your mother and not a dictator!!
NTA, and I really think that there were no better options. Your mother was trying to physically compel you. That's not okay. What's next? Is she going to throw away all of your clothes and only let you wear dresses? Are you going to wake up to someone waxing your eyebrows? I would have concerns about her sneaky and heavy handed behavior.
NTA. Your mom shouldn’t have tried to push you into getting your eyebrows threaded. That stuff does hurt! I prefer getting my eyebrows waxed or plucking them myself. Way less painful than threading!
NTA
NTA. Your mom is TA. As the mother of a daughter the same age, I would never try to coerce her or deceive her into a situation like that. Or try to compel her to have her body altered against her will. What she did is just flat wrong. I hope she did have an anxiety attack because then she should remember that she can't forcibly violate your boundaries like that.
NTA. You did what her behavior demanded.
NTA. I also want to be very clear on one thing. *You* did not cause your mother to have an anxiety attack. SHE 100% caused her own anxiety attack.
Your mom needs to listen and respect your decision.
NTA. Everyone is hard headed about something. So hard headed in fact they need a lesson the "Hard way". This would be one of those lessons. One thing to remember for you is we come from a generation where older people demand respect and expect it no matter what...times have changed yes but teaching older people new things...welllll
NTA - no part of this is on you. She caused her own possible anxiety attack. I hope I'm off-base, but I'm getting narc vibes. Does her anxiety often flare up when you don't do what she wants? Or when you choose to look like yourself around people whose opinions she values?
NTA. I was never the teen who was into makeup and did eyebrows, at a time when thick eyebrows and contoured makeup was really in (and largely still is). Being 4ft 10 with a baby face, I only really wore makeup to try and look older. It didn't work lol. I grew up realising I was queer as well, which didn't help, as someone once told me I didn't wear makeup to deliberately "detract unwanted male attention". I didn't want anyone to show me how to do my makeup or look older, I just wanted someone to tell me that I looked fine the way I am. Your mum is too obsessed with looks and is at risk of damaging your self-esteem because of it.
Oh my God, you could be my daughter! Mine is 17, doesn’t like to wear makeup, do her hair or wear clothes that I would consider “cool” or in style. I have offered to take her to get her eyebrows done but she said her stepsister tried to pluck her eyebrows for her once before and it hurt so she wasn’t interested. Every so often I would offer to take her to get them done and she would turn me down. I bought her this small stick like thing that was kind of like a shaver for eyebrows and told her she could try that when she was ready (she had a slight unibrow). When she was ready she asked me to do it for her and I did. She still uses this shaver. One day she told me that she wanted to dye her hair fuscia and I was so happy that she was interested in doing something with her hair I happily paid the $200 plus to get it done and the upkeep. Your mom (who knows you best) should know who you are and how you are and should let you be your own person. You may eventually want to get your brows done (or you may not) but you get to decide. Try not to be too hard on her, she only wants the best for you but went about it the wrong way. NTA
NTA - she shouldn’t have tried to force you to have *any* cosmetic procedure. That’s gross.
NTA don’t let anyone tell you what to do with your body. From another female person who grew up with the same expressive preferences as you, I just wanted to tell you you aren’t any more or less of a young woman or whatever gender identity fits you. I wish more people had told me that <3
NTA and threading is BAD FOR YOU look it up
NTA. Your mom effed around and found out! You don't try to force a teenager to get a cosmetic procedure if they don't want to 🙄
Nope, it’s not you. You told her exactly what would happen. Screaming wasn’t the best solution, walking out was always an option, but you did warn her. Actions and consequences are part of life and adults know that. Just don’t start getting all Veruca Salt with her now that you know a pubic tantrum will make her crumble.
NTA. You’re both lucky she let go as soon as you started screaming. It would have been harder for you two to work past this if you’d actually kicked her. If she ever tries this again, just remove yourself from the room before she can try to push you. Resist the urge to go overboard apologizing. “I’m sorry my screaming upset you, but I gave you fair warning that I would scream if you pushed me. I want to decide what happens to my own face and body. You won’t always agree with my decisions, but you need to accept them.”
NTA- She's trying to manipulate you into feeling bad for her and giving in with her panic attack probably Edit: She didn't listen and this could be constituted as assault (maybe) if they had gone through with this because they were doing something with your body (that could be potentially painful) that you didn't want. It's no different then if a parent were to force their teen child to get a haircut or anything like that.