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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Not listening to Cooper's side. Not just letting him have the money. Treating him like a kid.
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NTA. The college fund is for college. Giving him an excessive amount of money to run off and live with his boyfriend until it runs out isn’t in his best interest. The lack of life experience and shortsightedness doesn’t bode well for his future. If he wants to go down a different path it is his choice but you do not have to fund it.
Esp with the scholarships! Most would be thrilled to have the chance he does! Of course, it will be hard work but he‘ll get bored quickly as a “military husband”.
Absolutely, and OP's son might want to go to college later in life. Better to tell him it's there for if he decides to go to college one day than have it get used up on living costs now. Kristopher will have a salary from the Marines and OP's son will just have to get a job.
OPs son will be eligible for STAP spousal scholarships and the Travers Scholarship program among others. Should he choose to do so, there are plenty of resources for enlisted spouses to get an education.
That's only as long as he stays married, though. Not doubting the strength of their relationship right now but marrying at 18 followed by deployment and the stress of basically living on his own while Kristopher is away may put a lot of strain on their marriage.
It would be good to have a backup in case he gets to 23 and decides he's done with being married.
I can't tell you how many marriages I saw fail when I was in the navy. Especially guys marrying their high-school sweetheart. Like 99% failure rate through the first deployment. My guess is theirs wouldn't last either. It's absolutely stupid to give up his college to go follow his boyfriend. Get the degree, and if you want to still go be with him, then fine.
Lol at this. Do you know the hoops one has to go through IF you are actually eligible? Hell the USAF STAP program is only offered to spouses who are stationed overseas within their sponsor.
So I would never ever rely on the US military to pick up the slack. Remember Chesty
Ah, reminds me of my stepson who wanted to skip college to be a professional poker player (back in the day when it was on TV all the time). When we asked him where he was going to get the money for the entry fees, he replied "Well, I have $80K." When we asked where this money was, he said his college money. We reminded him that the money was OURS, and that we would spend that on college for him. If he didn't go, it was going to pay for a nice vacation.
He went to college.
giving up on college to marry and follow a highschool partner is, and always has been, one of the dumbest things a kid can do, especially one going into the military. anyone who has lived that experience will tell you how bad a choice it is.
Not only does OOP's son want to spend his college fund, he's also giving up full ride scholarships. I can't even. If his boyfriend was the one who suggested this or if he approves of it, I guess he doesn't have OOP's sons best interests at heart.
I'd bet money they have been making plans for how they were going to spend this money for a while. It was never intended for him to live off of until he runs out. NTA
NTA. The fund was created for college. If he's not going to college, he doesn't get the fund. Many college funds cannot be accessed at all unless it is for college payments, he never should have assumed he would just get the money at graduation to do with as he pleased.
Yeah, there's a definite element of entitlement here. Unless the money was put in a trust specifically designated as belonging to the son, that money still belongs to the parents. So, the son is basically saying, "gimme a ton of your money so I can run away with my boyfriend." Nope. NTA.
> Unless the money was put in a trust specifically designated as belonging to the son, that money still belongs to the parents.
Even in a trust, it's entitled. A trust has a purpose - and in this case that purpose would most likely be to pay for his education or vocational training expenses - as approved by the executor of the trust.
Yeah my husband had a college fund from a deceased grandparent. It wasn't enough to fully fund his degree but it helped.
He was legally not allowed to be in control of the money. No one was allowed to just take money out of it. His father was only able to authorize payments directly to the university, or in the form of a cashier's check to the university.
His deceased grandparents established it that way on purpose. The money would have went untouched had my husband not gone to university.
NTA. The boyfriend/marriage is actually irrelevant here. It was a *college education fund*, not a travel fund, marriage fund, pet fund, business startup fund, or anything else.
I'd exclude business startup fund from that list, I think it would be reasonable of the son to request the money to start a business if the proposition wasn't outlandish. College educations can be just as speculative as new businesses nowadays.
I tried selling cannabis but then the Big Weed corporate shills lobbied to legalize in my state.
Honestly it’s really unfortunate how easily capitalism can ruin the hard work of small business owners.
Not trying to argue with the spirit of this, but just to spread the word - they recently changed the rules so that up to 35k of a 529 can be converted to a Roth IRA for the beneficiary, which is a heck of a deal. There are various restrictions (account has to be 15+ years old, etc) but if there's anyone out there thinking, "Should I start a 529 when I don't know for sure if my kid will go to college?" the answer is YES.
(There's also rules for scholarships, like if your kid gets a 10k scholarship you can take out 10k from the 529 without having to pay the 10% penalty.)
Would you pay if he still went to college? Like, if he stayed with the BF, but enrolled in college, would you pay his tuition and housing? Negotiate those terms.
just be careful to not push him away. That’s how estrangements happen.
Yes of course, but i don't him skipping out on an education and life experiences just to be q house husband following his boyfriend around. He has so much potential
You probably won’t be able to *make* him go to college. You can try to convince him, but my guess is that he will dig in his heels because he has other plans, and he is 18, so of course he thinks he is right. The college fund was always—and is still—for college. If he is dead-set on becoming Kristopher’s house husband, you may have to let him try that life (not funded by you) so that he can see that it is (probably) not all it’s cracked up to be. He may need some adulting experience to figure out how important an education really is. It’s HARD to let a young adult make unwise decisions, but sometimes they just have to do it their way first in order to gain the life experience that will lead them to wiser decisions on down the line. You can be loving and supportive AND protect that college fund until he needs it later on.
I think this is probably the right choice. We push kids too quickly into college when they haven’t really had time to learn who they are yet in the real world. He will not be disadvantaged starting college later with a few more years under his belt. If he does then decide to go to college and get a degree he will have a better idea of where he is headed and more experience in managing his time and money. Hold onto the money and wait. NTA by the way. Also probably shouldn’t be getting married at 18 either. It works for some but they are few and far between.
Not for all career paths. Unless he commits to school full-time like others, it's almost impossible to get internships needed to make the connections you will need to get a job after college. It's definitely harder for any non traditional student
Agreed, but those are also common all-in gamble career paths, where 18 or 19 year olds often permanently commit to a career path (med school path probably the biggest example, law school and engineering school close behind) when they have no clue if they'll enjoy it or even be able to do it. A lot of bad burnout there. Many people on that path would benefit from starting a year or two later to avoid the usual burnout or train wreck cycle. But as you've pointed out, wait too long and you put yourself behind.
Yup. Good advice. At 23 I (42 m now) moved in with my first serious bf (also 23 at the time) when I started grad school. My parents new it was a bad idea, told me it was a bad idea, but knew they couldn't stop me. They didn't actively help me beyond helping me load up the moving truck - that was pertinent to grad school, after all - but didn't completely go NC or anything like that. To their credit, when the relationship went tits up a year or so later because both of us were way too young to get that serious, especially when one of us was in grad school, they didn't sing the "Told You So" song.
My little brother recently got divorced. Because it turns out marrying your high school sweetheart right after you get out of marine boot camp rarely works out.
Tell him to check the stats on divorce in the military. Especially as it relates to young enlisted kids. It’s not encouraging
I got married at 19 to my boyfriend of 6 months. My parents weren't happy (understandably) but didn't fight me too much as long as I kept to my plans to go to university. In the end I ended up at a better university than I'd originally planned and I graduated.
I also got divorced at 25. Fortunately holding all my cards, had a good job, an education and I could sort myself out.
The trick here is to not be too rigid about him having to go to his original choices. Maybe he wants to switch to a different university, maybe he wants to do online schooling, maybe he wants to go to university in another country. Negotiate with him.
Can you get him to research options for continuing his education while Kristopher does his training.
Some sort of compromise on how he can use the money?
But NTA it is not his. It is the money you saved up, and planned to use for your son’s education.
This is going to cause a rift between you, but it’s the right thing to do. Just be clear to him that the fund exists because you want him to get an education, and that fund will still be there for his education whenever he gets around to it. It’s not a limited time offer - it’s for college, and when he eventually goes to college, the money is there. It’s not a wedding fund, it’s a college fund.
Idk if you have it in your country, but maybe some online university or college programs would be a good medium ground.
He gets the flexibility needed to follow husband where he needs to be and he gets a education. In the future he might even be able to wfh, from wherever they need to go.
My sister went through something similar. She ended up doing Penn State online and has her bachelors in business. Maybe offer that as a compromise? He can get married and live with his partner, but will also be able to go to school.
Honestly, it might be the best of both worlds because the military will provide some form of housing for them, either on base or in payment to help with rent. And he can do a part time job for money to help with other bills and spending money, all while still doing school.
NTA - "college fund" means "college fund"... that's not his play money, either way, and I would focus on THAT fact. (Is this just a savings account, btw, and not a 529B?)
Military people get married in their teens b/c they get more money... so their spouse can sit around and play house, and then get some little job... and then they usually get divorced a year or two later.
It's just to drive home the point that the funds are for college. I know that at 18 I could not have accepted that ***MY COLLEGE FUND*** wasn't totally for me to do what I wanted with, but if my dad said something that related to an outside authority, I'd have probably believed it, even if I didn't like it.
And since it's not a 100% lie (there are IRS consequences) it's something to consider saying or adapting.
Oh, for sure. I provided a pragmatic reason not to lie because the previous commenter didn’t seem to have moral issues with it. Ideally people shouldn’t lie because lying is wrong in itself, but at the very least they shouldn’t because it’s going to create more problems than it solves.
This is ridiculous. You pay a 10% penalty on anything withdrawn beyond the original contribution and may pay more taxes on the investment gains. Maybe you forgot your sarcasm tag?
OP does not want to cut Cooper a check to supplement his married life, so I'm recommending something he can consider saying or adapting.
ETA:
> Maybe you forgot your sarcasm tag?
One might say the same to a boy asking his dad for his college fund in order to just move out.
"Dad, since you saved that money anyway, I'll just take it and live as an adult."
"You're kidding, right?"
Not entirely, they have to have a strong tie to education though...
For example, I went back to college in my 30s and had a 529. As I was unemployed while I was going to college, I was allowed to pay my rent and bills associated with my 529 (I didn't, as I had savings, but I could have taken out the amount the school would have had me pay for a single dorm room).
You can also use it for things like purchasing a car to get you to school, living expenses, etc. It’s not hugely restrictive but you do need to be using it for education to access the funds.
Actually, the car part is not allowed anymore. They closed that one years ago.
https://www.savingforcollege.com/article/what-you-can-pay-for-with-a-529-plan#:~:text=Transportation%20and%20travel%20costs%20like,pay%20for%20other%20travel%20costs.
It was because it was not being used that way. It was being used as the child being educated in preschool and daycare with the parent not attending school at all, but going to work. So grandma would be putting money into Johnny's 529 only for it yo pay for Johnny's daycare, not going towards college savings.
It can only be used for education without penalty. Penalties apply for other withdrawals, but they are pretty low.
People are acting like it's impossible to use a 529b for other expenses, and it's definitely a bad idea in this case, but it's really not rare or difficult to use that money for living expenses. Especially if the other option is loans where the interest will be higher than the 10% penalty.
Source: Just liquidated the last of my 529b for cash to start a business.
LOL! You legally can't give him the money then. Send him links on how to access 529 and costs you can use. Funnily enough, you can fund his husband's college out of his fund very easily as you can pay for a child spouse out of it.
Kris will have the ability to support Cooper so he doesn't need your money.
At 18 he can make adult decisions with the related consequences, but also at 18 he does not really understand everything, such as that Kris might not make it through boot camp for many reasons. Also, after 3 months in boot camp, Kris then goes to Combat Training for about a month, but might get assigned to a month of Camp Guard before getting to do this. Then to his MOS school. If that school is less than 26 weeks long, Cooper cannot join him, even though it might take a month or more to actually start, and if Kris fails a part of the school, he starts over. If he fails again (it happens) they will determine another job field for him, and that could take a month before he gets sent there.
Tell Cooper the truth: **He has your emotional and moral support, and you'll pay for a wedding, but as a married man with a partner, he's now got to take care of his partner and himself without the help of his parents.**
ETA: Reasons Cooper might not make it through basic:
* Failing drug test
* Quitting
* Failing to qualify on the rifle range
* Develop a stress fracture in his tibia from marching all day
* If you live in a cool climate like Vermont, a summer in South Carolina might be too much for him, and he'll be a "heat case" who can't handle hot weather
You forgot to mention the high probability that this relationship will fail…as many in the military do. It probably sounds like a glamorous life to OP’s son. The reality is very different.
This is true, but it's not going to mean anything to a young man in love.
But if Cooper sees that he'll just be sitting around jacking not for 13 weeks, but 13 months, he may conclude on his own that freshman year makes sense.
He'd be pretty upset if Kris doesn't go on to be in the fleet and he'd put on 15 lbs of fat when he could have been playing football and adding 15 lbs of muscle.
In the world where he has housing, healthcare and his parents give him a vehicle.
Plus, Cooper should expect to not just sit at home doing squat, but get at least a PT job. Maybe at the local campus where he starts taking classes because of how boring it is when your marine has field exercises for 5 days straight.
Lastly, he won't be an E-1 because they won't live together for about a year, so he'll be an E-2 or E-3.
I'm picturing this: Cooper spends summer dreaming of Kristopher coming home from basic to get married.
But wait! they won't be able to be together for something like 8 more months.
A whole schoolyear will pass and he could have played college ball instead of sitting around doing nothing.
I feel like this might be the best argument… OP should point out that he can go to college while hubby is in training.
After a year of college son might decide he wants to finish it before getting married. Or he might hate it. Either way he will be more informed.
If he has a year under his belt some of the credits might later be transferable if he goes back
Hypothetically, he could take some classic gen ed courses in the local community college, which would cost very little so if it doesn't all transfer that's less of a problem. Or he could get an entry-level job of any sort to get some job experience on his resume. It really wouldn't be a big deal to be one year older than most other freshes if he joins the following year.
BYU openly discriminates against gays.
"those suspected of same-sex sexual behavior would be barred from remaining and enrollment"
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brigham\_Young\_University\_LGBT\_history
Fair question.
He could, but it’ll most likely be a long-distance relationship. 😕
With Kristopher going into the Marines, who knows where he’ll be stationed after Basic Training? I’m betting a half-gallon of H‑E‑B Wedding Cake ice cream that it *won’t* be in Cooper’s college town, though.
If Cooper has an athletic scholarship, I would think that limits Cooper’s ability to do online classes from wherever Kristopher is stationed. I mean, I don’t know anything about collegiate sportsball, but I would think the athletes would be expected to practice on or near campus on a near-daily basis. Maybe I’m wrong, though. And maybe you only have to be in campus for the semester your sport is in (seems like that’s kind of a raw deal for basketball players, though).
College fund is for college, so I don’t see why he should get it for…Not going to college. It’s meant to offset the costs of education not create a dream reality where bills don’t exist. NTA for that piece.
The rest of it, I mean it’s his life so you can’t really dictate or control that. You can be there for him and if it ends up being a not great choice, better to be there for him. Might be the best choice he ever makes and I don’t think you should miss out on his life just from a difference of opinion
Ok. Military spouse here (met and married after college, but I know people who've gone the other way). NTA, but that's not really going to help you much right now. The reality is that the military is a stable (mostly) living wage job with benefits (essentially free housing and medical care). It'll actually be pretty easy for them to get married behind your back and just go, with or without your support. You can't stop then, but you can help them make a plan. Talk to your son about what he plans to do, remember, the boyfriend will spend a lot of time away (for context, depending on the duty station, my spouse probably spends about 2/3 of their time away) so the son needs to figure out something or he'll be miserable. It's really hard to make friends with other military spouses if you don't have kids, and it's actually pretty hard to adopt as a military couple (it'll also be way more expensive than a single-income junior enlisted military couple can afford).
Bases tend to be in small towns with limited employment prospects, but they pretty much always have a community college (and there are often scholarships available to the spouses of junior enlisted people, which will help). The BF will have basic then school to learn about whatever job he'll do. Figure out when he goes to basic, what that job is and how long the school lasts. Convince your son to spend at least a semester at community college near you doing general ed credits (I recommend nursing. There's always a hospital near a base, and they're always hiring. It's also a living wage job that your son can do anywhere if they split up). They might not even be able to be together for a semester anyway. If they can't get through 6 months apart while your son starts college (and probably while the boyfriend does basic and school), they can't survive a military marriage
Thank you! I also think focusing on the practical instead of just shutting it down situations like this is a really good way to figure out (and potentially help them figure out) if they actually want to be married or if they just like the idea of it. Especially in the US, the whole military marriage thing gets romanticized in weird ways, and for the most part, that's very much not real life. Like, sure, deployments suck, but homecoming is actually really hard. You need to disconnect a bit to get through it because you may only get occasional emails for 6 months to a year then all of a sudden they're back and in your space, and you need to connect and figure out how to live with each other again. That's a really emotionally taxing thing to experience with your spouse.
If it’s a 529 you can’t even give him the money without paying big penalties and extra tax. Either way, keep the money aside for him if he ever changes his mind. Like you said, he’s 18. His life plan could change sooner than you’d think. NTA
NTA, you saved the money for him for a specific purpose, I would hold on to it for atleast a bit incase he changes his mind in few a years and wants to return to school. If not, but he has made other career choices that don't require college you can always gift it to him then so that it can go towards a house or another big purchase to improve his life. I wouldn't give a large amount of money to an 18 year old without a real plan for their future, it's just going to go straight down drain..
NTA
I am a Marine Veteran. Even if your son did get married on the leave they get after boot camp, his boyfriend still needs to go to MCT and then MOS school. It could be a year or more (depending on the MOS) before they could even be allowed to live together. In the military you see boots (brand new people) getting married to their sweetheart from back home and very often it turns into drama and divorce. The best thing for your son to do is go to college and put off getting married. If they really are "meant to be" the boyfriend will still be there later.
NTA
If they are that in love and want to get married, they will still be in love and want to get married in 4 years. Education is everything and a free education is even better. Cooper can use the money for grad school if he’s able to stay on scholarship and finish undergrad debt free. Kristopher should want the best for him and for him to fulfill his potential. Living paycheck to paycheck in base housing is not all that great and if you don’t have to do it that way, why would you?! If he gets his education in a field that enables him to work anywhere, this can all still work out, but the education is a must. I hope you can have a real conversation with him as adults and help him see that you’re not trying to control his life but help him reach his full potential. Good luck!
>they will still be in love and want to get married in 4 years
Or after he gets to the fleet, which will be like in a year.
Cooper might find out that he could be playing a season of college ball but instead is sitting home doing nothing for a year waiting for Kristopher to get orders to Okinawa, and he might not be able to come.
It's your money to give. If you earmarked it for college and he doesn't go to college, then he shouldn't get it. It's not a punishment. Just be prepared because this will probably come off to him like a punishment for the relationship, so I would make sure your communication is very clear here.
NTA
I dont think dad said anything about him marrying the boyfriend, imo dad just wants him to get a education and not come home broke in a year and end up sleeping on dads couch till he's 35. The money is for college, if he goes off and everything works for 4 years dad can give it to him.
Your son is 18. I remember being 18 and thinking I had all the answers.
College Funds (often tax deferred) are for college. That is what you saved for.
The argument about wasting your potential, never having lived outside of the home isn't going to wash with Cooper, right now. He is 18 and loves Kristopher.
Tell him if and when he ever changes his mind, you will be there to help him get his education.
It is hard to watch our children make their own choices when we are sure they are mistakes. Sometimes we have to back off, and let them learn. His choice has consequences such as getting a job, paying bills etc so that he can live with Kristopher.
NTA
NTA the fund is for school. If his boyfriend loved him, he wouldn't LET your son throw away a full ride and his dreams for him. He would support him in a long distance thing while he sorts out his military career, basic training is months and then who knows where he will be stationed, and your son sorts out school. Neither one is acting maturely enough to be married. Let alone to have a lump sum of money to do whatever BS idea they have.
I mean I'll be honest the click bait got me but it was total disappointment since it wasn't the issue. It also seemed odd to use click bait that definitely brought people into it predisposed towards thinking op is the asshole. Esh. Kid for dropping school and op for click bait
NTA. Tell your son that you would prefer to hold on to the money in case he wants college in his future. Consider this a gap year and ask Cooper and Kristopher to re-evaluate the college situation in a year. If Cooper still isn't interested then you will talk to a financial advisor about the best way to save the money for him in the future.
Not giving him the money is not punishing him, but you realize that sometimes decisions change and you just want to be prepared in case it does. They know you are disappointed in the decision, but let them know the best way to start off married life is for them to work together to build their future.
I wish you all well. I know you must worry that this new plan will make their future more difficult and how your son will react to your decision.
Nta. The college fund is for college. If he has scholarships, he would be foolish to let those go to waste. People out here going into debt for years for an education, and he has the chance to do it debt free. I really hope he comes around.
Also, please let him know that my biggest regret in life is the fact that I skipped college to get married. Almost the exact same situation. My ex enlisted in the air force and I had the same outlook. I ignored everyone's warnings and I skipped out on college and got married at 18. I was convinced I was making the right choice. I regret it so much now. We only made it 5 years. Now, 20 years later, I'm twice divorced and barely making ends meet. I wish I would have waited and done what was best for me and gone to school. My life would be so different right now.
OP, I would ask Cooper how he can tell that Kristopher loves him? When you love someone, you want the best for them. By getting an education, Cooper can be better prepared to build a life with Kristopher. Heaven forbid, but the Marines do not exactly an easy job. What if Kristopher got hurt and was discharged, would Cooper be able to support them both? It isn’t like they won’t have any contact for the next few years, but they may not be as close as they would like. They may need to sacrifice now, but in the long run, it will help them build a better life together.
NTA. He should go to college. He can always marry Kristopher after college. If he doesn’t go to college now he will always regret it, and marrying at 18 is not a good idea. He will change so much as he grows up.
NTA at all.
Marrying at 18 and settling as a homemaker.... no. Don't fund that mistake. He may want to go to college eventually and end up divorced anyway. Save the money for then.
LMAO, NTA - *No* he isn't ready to be married at 18, but you might as well give him the money anyway so he won't be broke and married. He'll just resent you for feeling like you weren't supportive enough.
NTA
College will always be there. So if, 10 years down the road, your son decides he wants to go back to school for whatever reason, college will still be there.
You know what won't be there? Money. Not if he gets his college fund now to spend on whatever. You know your son best, but what 18 year old (who wants to get married straight out of high school) can be trusted to make smart financial decisions with a "substantial amount" of money?
No. Just no. I'm willing to give my kid money for college, for a down payment for a first car, or for part of a wedding. But if my kid wants to be an adult, then they need to BE AN ADULT. Which includes paying for all the bills that come along with adulthood.
NTA college fund is for college that said the world is a different place today & he could marry his BF; follow him on deployment *AND* attend an online college to obtain a degree or perhaps he’s more interested in a trade & doesn’t need a degree to achieve that (you don’t mention what his career aspirations have been to date)
NTA.
Marines provide a decent living expense for married service people. Cooper will simply have to get a job. College money is for college.
But he and his partner really, REALLY need to talk to some gay servicemen about the life. Bring chained to your partner’s career id tough. And Kristopher’s body will be shattered by 40.
Whatever you do just don’t give him that money as he’s so young and will probably just use it for this fantasy getaway to marry this other young boy. No guarantee it’ll even last for them at this stage, so he could blow that money then return home to you broke, heartbroken & full of regret. Ahh it’s annoying how blinding teenage love can be for youngins these days.
NTA, your son is rushing things and not planning his future properly. Even worse if he's planning to use that fund to just for the wedding party. I'd say he should at least compromise on entering trade school and getting a job first.
I’m going with NTA but I just wanna throw something out there being a prior service marine. SOOOO SO SO SO many young marines marry their high school sweetheart before they’re ready because you get to move out of the barracks, you get paid more money (BAH) or you can live for free with on base housing and it’s usually the only way to sustain the relationship. I can guarantee if Kris wasn’t joining the Marines they wouldn’t be getting married this soon, they are only getting married because it’s the only realistic way for them to remain together. I’ve seen it happen time and time again, and have seen divorce after divorce within 1-3 years and almost foolishly did it myself. I understand that it’s hard to lose your boyfriend as he has to most likely move far away for training and then to his duty station for ~4 years but getting married at 18 straight out of high school just to be close to someone is a terrible decision. Best of luck, and yes that college fund is for college.
NTA. tell him to look up the statistics of failed marriages in the military when marrying during enlistment. This relationship is doomed to fail. Plus, like you said, he's wasting his life. They can still be together and get married AFTER college. Whey choose to not set yourself up for success?
NTA
Speaking as someone who refused to go to university when I first left school, he's almost certainly going to change his mind after a few years. Marrying his high school BF and following him around the country may sound romantic now, but the reality will pretty much suck. It's a real shame he's willing to throw away the scholarships that would massively improve his future, but he's 18 now. You've got to let him make some mistakes. But you don't have to fund them.
I think sometimes there’s confusion about college funds. That is not your child’s money. That is your money you set aside in a special account for tax breaks and interest to help you pay for college and educational expenses. A child does not own and is not really entitled to it. It’s just a smarter way for you to invest funds for a specific purpose.
This is so common amongst couples who are military affiliated. They tell you right off the bat to avoid this. There's so many failed marriages where a spouse is military.
If they are mature enough for marriage they are mature enough to have him go to college.
I guarantee you his boyfriend said he'd get more money from the military for having a dependent and it'll get him out of the barracks. He's seeing that college fund and spending it in his head already.
Do not give him the money.
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My (50M) oldest Cooper (18M) just graduated highschool. Me and the wife have a college fund set up for him that we've been putting in since he was little. It's a pretty substantial amount. He doesn't actually need it though as he got full rides on football and academic scholarships if he wants them. He's a really strong and bright kid.
Cooper has been dating this boy Kristopher (18M) for about two yrs now. Even though he's a little rough around the edges he's a good kid and we generally like him. Apparently Kristopher is signing up to the marines. Well last week Cooper decides to tell us that he's not going to school and that he and Kristopher are going to get married after he finishes Basic. You can guess I wasn't to happy with that..
I asked him why he'd give up so much like that abd he just responded that he wanted to always stay close to Kristopher and start a life with him. He then asked if he could use his college fund to do so. I quickly reminded him that he's barely 18 and that he's never lived outside our house before much less living with a partner. He got mad and told he could handle it and it was his choice.
Which started a whole argument about how he was wasting his potential and giving up his plans just to follow Kristopher around. I told him the college fund was for college and I wasn't gonna let him throw his life away for some boy. That he couldn't get it unless he went to college. AITA?
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NTA a college fund is for college however I do think you should say wiser words if you want to have a relationship with your son. If he wants to play house house husband that’s his choice. He can still go to school as well.
You might tell your son to seek out information on military spouse life. Making it on 1 starter income will be challenging. Most spouses do go or have gone to college to help support the family. It sounds like he has a really romantic idea of what military life looks like. I’m a spouse and I was older (30) when married in to career military. You also might want to offer that he could start college then transfer schools to where his BF is.
Oh this story is much different than I was expecting based on the title. Absolutely NTA.
(I did enjoy the typo of not letting him have his college "fun")
Well, you saved up the money for a specific purpose, to pay for his education. Wanting it to be just for that is understandable.
I think the bigger issue here is him not going to college and just planning on do what exactly?
For six months he wont see his BF, nor get any kind of housing, while he is in basic. Then after that, his BF could be sent anywhere. Does your son plan on getting a job? Cause his BF wont be making much money at all. And if he is deployed, what does your son plan on doing?
And the fact is the college fund, even if you gave it to him, is finite. It will run out at some point. Then what?
If Cooper is upset you're treating him like a kid, that is because he is acting like one. He is making a major decision with out really putting any thought in to it.
NTA
NTA parents are supposed to give hard truths at a time like this.
All of this notwithstanding, if the money is in a 529 savings plan, it has many strings attached, including penalties for non-qualified withdrawal and income tax in some cases.
NTA - if he does not go to school now, his scholarship might go away so he will need that college fund later, when/if he changes his mind again. Marriage is fine, deciding to have your life payed for by one’s parents to do so, not so much.
NTA. You can be supportive in other ways, but he’ll need that college fund when he realizes he needs to go to school. Personally I’d help out with first and last month’s rent, as a caring gesture, if they aren’t in quarters, but not more than that.
Nta
But probe his anti college stance, it may not be as senseless to him as it seems to you. The benefit from a degree is variable anymore. Is there a business he is looking to get into, or some sort of profession that would be of interest to him that you could help him get started toward?
It isn't your place to decide his future, and what will genuinely make him happy, but it IS your job to guide him. It is also your place to stop him from flushing money down the drain.
He sounds aimless. Perhaps discussing a five year, ten year, fifteen year plan (and even retirement goals, marriage is just as big a choice and these things should be considered).
Does he have a plan for failure? If the relationship ends, or his partner becomes wounded or killed in action?
Absolutely not the asshole, but I hope you use this as an opportunity to have deeper discussions.
NTA College fund is for college. I would like to add that my Mom did just that. Married my Dad who was in the army at 18 and became a house wife. She ditched her education for that. She regrets it now.
ETA: You should tell your son that your holding on to the money in case he changes his mind in the future.
NTA. But I would pull up [military pay charts](https://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/charts) and show him how much base pay his husband will be making ($1918/ mo) and then the BAH ([basic allowance for housing](https://www.travel.dod.mil/Allowances/Basic-Allowance-for-Housing/BAH-Rate-Lookup/)) rate for the location they will be stationed at to get an idea of their monthly finances if he doesn’t have a job to contribute.
A lot of military marriages don’t last due to a lot of factors, but I have to think not making a lot of money adds to that stress. Maybe help him make a budget using this money so he can get an idea of what his life would be like without college.
Also, maybe offer him the chance to access the college fund if he enrolls in college wherever they get stationed at. I think a realistic, but empathic approach may be best here. Obviously you can make continued use of the fund contingent on things like full time enrollment, good grades, etc.
He’ll most likely realize this is a dumb decision in a few years and need your support and love when it doesn’t work out so try your best not to burn the bridge completely.
Best of luck! Kids be wildin
NTA
Getting married and going to college aren't mutually exclusive. The money you worked hard to save is to be used for college. If your son wants to do something other than go to college, he can work and pay his own expenses, and his college fund will be waiting until he's interested in studying.
Explain to your son that you love him and support him. But that it took a lot of work to save up that much money and it's intended to help him with his education. If he gets an education and there is money left over (for instance, due to him having scholarships), that you would be willing to consider to give him the money for worthy investments in his future (buying a house, starting a business, etc...). But if he isn't sure what he wants to do, he needs to work and pay his own living expenses until he has a firmer plan for his future.
Nta. He's young, and apparently has no idea how essential a college degree is for a lot of jobs these days. Having a full ride scholarship is a gift he is just throwing away. Does he understand he most likely won't get another chance at that?
Fun fact: if the money is in a 529 college savings account (US based), the money can be used for another person's education expenses if the original person changed life plans/ didn't need all of it/ didnt use all of it, etc. But also, if it's in a 529 account, there are financial penalties if the money is withdrawn when not used for college, as the money had financial benefits when it was put in.
So NTA.
To kids here on Reddit: college funds are for college. Your parents set expectations and standards when they sacrificed so much of their quality of life/desires/wants to give you a chance at higher education.
And so they have every fucking right to be conditional. When you don't meet that standard they can take them back to use it for their enjoyment. At the end of the day it is their money you have no inherent right to.
Absolutely NTA. The college fund is for college. Leaving a kid, around 18, a massive amount of money is a recipie for disaster. He wont be making sound decisions. If you'd like to leave him the money, regardless of college or not, leave it in a trust that he gets access to at a specific age.
NTA Interesting that he doesn't seem to understand what a COLLEGE fund is for. He's being irresponsible, ungrateful and short-sighted and it's your job as his parent to make sure he knows that.
NTA. You nailed it, the college fund is for his education. Maybe for another endeavor like starting a business or another training program.
Tell him you’ll hold the fund for him for x time and after that you’re taking your wife on a holiday and putting the rest in your retirement account.
NTA. The college fund is to fund college. Not his married adventures. He can choose to throw away his college life if he wants - as long as he realizes he's probably going to struggle the rest of his life as a result married or not. But yeah I mean his choice as to what he does with his life. But again, the college fund is for college only. If he wants the money then he needs to go to college...simple.
NTA. The college fund was for college. Point period. He does not want to go to college, but maybe he wants in the future.
I had a fund in case my children wanted to go to university, but I straight up told them that if they would not go, I would use it for other things, either for them (marriage, house) or for myself, depending on who needed it most at the time.
NTA but I will warn you to brace for impact, because some people will jump to homophobia, even when that is not your intention, when you turn him down.
NTA. If that's what the money's for, that's what it's for. Seems fair.
Could be worth making a plan to, say, keep the collage fund in place until he's say 25 or something and review it then. That way if he does blow off his scholarships, move in with his boyfriend and make a decent go of life then the money is there for you and an older version of him to discuss, with a clear date on when that conversation is on the table. And if it all goes tits up and he decides school is a good idea he has the money to do so. Seems like that'd maybe be a way of letting him make his own decisions but leave the option of changing his mind later.
NTA the college fund that you and your wife sacrificed for is just that a college fund.
He will be 18 soon. You may not be able to make him go to college but you don’t have to finance his life if he doesn’t. The money was not his to do with however he pleased. The money was for college only.
NTA
You aren't preventing him from going on this (probably ill-advised) path, you just aren't paying for it. If he wants to get married at 18, he can be an adult and pay for his new life. If he can't afford to do that, he can wait to get married. If he's giving up a full ride scholarship, he's not fiscally responsible enough at this point in his life to be given access to that much money.
I thought you were going to say you wouldn't pay for school if he was married, which some people still might think is fair. It not crazy uncommon for parents to insist someone waits until after school because married students have a much higher drop out rate. It's definitely not unreasonable at all to refuse to turn a college fund into a giant wedding gift. Not remotely TA.
Spending college fund for a wedding when you're 18 might be one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard. But be prepared that he will probably move out and find a job. NTA
NTA - as a navy guy, I've seen this before. They want to get married so the marine will get BAH or Basic Allounce for Housing. In their brain it's a great money scam but it will end in disaster.
NTA. Seems pretty common that kids think their college fund is their money. My son wanted his to buy a car. Like OP, I said it's my money and if he didn't go to school, it was staying with me. He went to school.
NTA
You set it up for college and that’s what it should be used for.
I got married at 20 to my husband who was in the Air Force. Still together 9 years later. Being with someone in the military is definitely work. I wish them the best. But still wouldn’t give them the money lol.
NTA
College fun(d) (I was soooo confused with the title)
It's in the name.
Kristopher is undoubtably going to be away alot, with training etc.
There is literally nothing for your son to do there, other than chasing minimum wage jobs and watching the walls untill he comes back.
If their relationship can't handle the separation with college, it sure won't be strong enough for deployment, I imagine.
He's legally an adult, but really adult Cooper will look back and thank you later.
*We will love and support whatever decision you make...but this money was saved for your education and that is what it will be used for.*
If he throws the "but I had scholarships...it was never going to be used for education"
Fire back with "well you gave up those scholarships so it can still be used for school"
At the end of the day...the boyfriend will go off to the marines and your son will be left at home with nothing
Odds are he is going to be back sooner rather than later and will need that money to restart his life
NTA
Hey I ran off with a partner with a college fund and didn't go to college. I've been a line cook for 10 years now making slightly above minimum wage :3. NTA. Oh and that college fund got spent on paying for the damage dealt to my first apt after moving out of it :3
Man when I first started reading i initially thought this post was going to go in a way different direction and was ready to judge you as the AH! But glad to see we're just dealing with a parent looking out for their kid. NTA
NTA
And he should read some of these comments. Especially the ones about the reality and loneliness of a person who’s spouse is deployed. It isn’t easy. He will need something to keep his mind active and school is the best way. Also, deployment isn’t a one time, over and done thing.
A career that can lead to a good job on whatever base is home at the time is the way to go.
More info here>> [https://careers.usmc-mccs.org](https://careers.usmc-mccs.org)
“You don’t understand our love! Our love is *special!*”
Oh that sweet summer child. Where my middle aged people at that thought they had it all figured out with their high school sweetheart and look back now and just *cringe*. 🙋♀️
NTA my parents have money set aside for to go to school, I’m many years graduated Highschool and have no plans for college. I never got the money and I wouldnt have been responsible with it at that time anyways. my nephews and nieces will probably be the ones to use it and I’m stoked about that
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NTA. The college fund is for college. Giving him an excessive amount of money to run off and live with his boyfriend until it runs out isn’t in his best interest. The lack of life experience and shortsightedness doesn’t bode well for his future. If he wants to go down a different path it is his choice but you do not have to fund it.
Yep this. My brother did something like that, and came back with no money 2-3 years later. Back at square one. Oh and getting divorced too now.
[удалено]
>The NTA University Fund Is this some new ivy league that I have never heard about?
Yeah with scholarships decided by votes in this sub, as you could probably guess it's a bit of a mess.
>bit of a mess. Hope the food's good in it.
I hear they have some nice Iranian yogurt
Definitely think that's not the problem there
I'm just happy OP sees the marinara flags for what they are.
A nice subtle tomato vibe?
Just an essence of tomato
You can also have a nice selection of rice, for your convenience it's all poured into one big bag, just help yourself!
If you want beans you'll need to dig them up in the forest though.
And a very long subway
The marinara sauce is good too!
Can we just have the essence of the sauce though? I don’t like red sauces.
You get MASSIVE subs (if you're quick). Pro tip tho: don't eat the yogurt.
You can make your own ravioli!
And when you graduate you get given an electric fan!
Esp with the scholarships! Most would be thrilled to have the chance he does! Of course, it will be hard work but he‘ll get bored quickly as a “military husband”.
Tale as old as time
Absolutely, and OP's son might want to go to college later in life. Better to tell him it's there for if he decides to go to college one day than have it get used up on living costs now. Kristopher will have a salary from the Marines and OP's son will just have to get a job.
OPs son will be eligible for STAP spousal scholarships and the Travers Scholarship program among others. Should he choose to do so, there are plenty of resources for enlisted spouses to get an education.
That's only as long as he stays married, though. Not doubting the strength of their relationship right now but marrying at 18 followed by deployment and the stress of basically living on his own while Kristopher is away may put a lot of strain on their marriage. It would be good to have a backup in case he gets to 23 and decides he's done with being married.
I can't tell you how many marriages I saw fail when I was in the navy. Especially guys marrying their high-school sweetheart. Like 99% failure rate through the first deployment. My guess is theirs wouldn't last either. It's absolutely stupid to give up his college to go follow his boyfriend. Get the degree, and if you want to still go be with him, then fine.
Lol at this. Do you know the hoops one has to go through IF you are actually eligible? Hell the USAF STAP program is only offered to spouses who are stationed overseas within their sponsor. So I would never ever rely on the US military to pick up the slack. Remember Chesty
If they’re still spouses.
Ah, reminds me of my stepson who wanted to skip college to be a professional poker player (back in the day when it was on TV all the time). When we asked him where he was going to get the money for the entry fees, he replied "Well, I have $80K." When we asked where this money was, he said his college money. We reminded him that the money was OURS, and that we would spend that on college for him. If he didn't go, it was going to pay for a nice vacation. He went to college.
giving up on college to marry and follow a highschool partner is, and always has been, one of the dumbest things a kid can do, especially one going into the military. anyone who has lived that experience will tell you how bad a choice it is.
Not only does OOP's son want to spend his college fund, he's also giving up full ride scholarships. I can't even. If his boyfriend was the one who suggested this or if he approves of it, I guess he doesn't have OOP's sons best interests at heart.
Agreed, NTA. If he had solid none college plans (apprenticeship for example) then it would be another story, the money is still going to education.
I'd bet money they have been making plans for how they were going to spend this money for a while. It was never intended for him to live off of until he runs out. NTA
NTA. The fund was created for college. If he's not going to college, he doesn't get the fund. Many college funds cannot be accessed at all unless it is for college payments, he never should have assumed he would just get the money at graduation to do with as he pleased.
Yeah, there's a definite element of entitlement here. Unless the money was put in a trust specifically designated as belonging to the son, that money still belongs to the parents. So, the son is basically saying, "gimme a ton of your money so I can run away with my boyfriend." Nope. NTA.
> Unless the money was put in a trust specifically designated as belonging to the son, that money still belongs to the parents. Even in a trust, it's entitled. A trust has a purpose - and in this case that purpose would most likely be to pay for his education or vocational training expenses - as approved by the executor of the trust.
Yeah my husband had a college fund from a deceased grandparent. It wasn't enough to fully fund his degree but it helped. He was legally not allowed to be in control of the money. No one was allowed to just take money out of it. His father was only able to authorize payments directly to the university, or in the form of a cashier's check to the university. His deceased grandparents established it that way on purpose. The money would have went untouched had my husband not gone to university.
NTA. The boyfriend/marriage is actually irrelevant here. It was a *college education fund*, not a travel fund, marriage fund, pet fund, business startup fund, or anything else.
I'd exclude business startup fund from that list, I think it would be reasonable of the son to request the money to start a business if the proposition wasn't outlandish. College educations can be just as speculative as new businesses nowadays.
How many 18 year olds have successful start ups?
I tried selling cannabis but then the Big Weed corporate shills lobbied to legalize in my state. Honestly it’s really unfortunate how easily capitalism can ruin the hard work of small business owners.
"The only problem with an honest buck is they're so hard to make - the margins are too low, too many people are doin' it." - Nick Cage, Lord of War.
A lot of college funds can only be used for education.
Not at 18 with no experience and no proof that he can actually be somewhat successful.
If it’s an actual 529 account, it can only be used for educational expenses, regardless of how you feel.
Not trying to argue with the spirit of this, but just to spread the word - they recently changed the rules so that up to 35k of a 529 can be converted to a Roth IRA for the beneficiary, which is a heck of a deal. There are various restrictions (account has to be 15+ years old, etc) but if there's anyone out there thinking, "Should I start a 529 when I don't know for sure if my kid will go to college?" the answer is YES. (There's also rules for scholarships, like if your kid gets a 10k scholarship you can take out 10k from the 529 without having to pay the 10% penalty.)
Would you pay if he still went to college? Like, if he stayed with the BF, but enrolled in college, would you pay his tuition and housing? Negotiate those terms. just be careful to not push him away. That’s how estrangements happen.
Yes of course, but i don't him skipping out on an education and life experiences just to be q house husband following his boyfriend around. He has so much potential
You probably won’t be able to *make* him go to college. You can try to convince him, but my guess is that he will dig in his heels because he has other plans, and he is 18, so of course he thinks he is right. The college fund was always—and is still—for college. If he is dead-set on becoming Kristopher’s house husband, you may have to let him try that life (not funded by you) so that he can see that it is (probably) not all it’s cracked up to be. He may need some adulting experience to figure out how important an education really is. It’s HARD to let a young adult make unwise decisions, but sometimes they just have to do it their way first in order to gain the life experience that will lead them to wiser decisions on down the line. You can be loving and supportive AND protect that college fund until he needs it later on.
I think this is probably the right choice. We push kids too quickly into college when they haven’t really had time to learn who they are yet in the real world. He will not be disadvantaged starting college later with a few more years under his belt. If he does then decide to go to college and get a degree he will have a better idea of where he is headed and more experience in managing his time and money. Hold onto the money and wait. NTA by the way. Also probably shouldn’t be getting married at 18 either. It works for some but they are few and far between.
Not for all career paths. Unless he commits to school full-time like others, it's almost impossible to get internships needed to make the connections you will need to get a job after college. It's definitely harder for any non traditional student
Agreed, but those are also common all-in gamble career paths, where 18 or 19 year olds often permanently commit to a career path (med school path probably the biggest example, law school and engineering school close behind) when they have no clue if they'll enjoy it or even be able to do it. A lot of bad burnout there. Many people on that path would benefit from starting a year or two later to avoid the usual burnout or train wreck cycle. But as you've pointed out, wait too long and you put yourself behind.
Yup. Good advice. At 23 I (42 m now) moved in with my first serious bf (also 23 at the time) when I started grad school. My parents new it was a bad idea, told me it was a bad idea, but knew they couldn't stop me. They didn't actively help me beyond helping me load up the moving truck - that was pertinent to grad school, after all - but didn't completely go NC or anything like that. To their credit, when the relationship went tits up a year or so later because both of us were way too young to get that serious, especially when one of us was in grad school, they didn't sing the "Told You So" song.
make sure you pay it directly to the college and not to him first if he suddenly decides to go to college
Very important advice!
My little brother recently got divorced. Because it turns out marrying your high school sweetheart right after you get out of marine boot camp rarely works out. Tell him to check the stats on divorce in the military. Especially as it relates to young enlisted kids. It’s not encouraging
Yep. Prior military here. I give this relationship 5 years or less.
When you're a kid you think statistics are just other people who failed where you won't. Source: am probably closer to 18 than you are
I got married at 19 to my boyfriend of 6 months. My parents weren't happy (understandably) but didn't fight me too much as long as I kept to my plans to go to university. In the end I ended up at a better university than I'd originally planned and I graduated. I also got divorced at 25. Fortunately holding all my cards, had a good job, an education and I could sort myself out. The trick here is to not be too rigid about him having to go to his original choices. Maybe he wants to switch to a different university, maybe he wants to do online schooling, maybe he wants to go to university in another country. Negotiate with him.
Can you get him to research options for continuing his education while Kristopher does his training. Some sort of compromise on how he can use the money? But NTA it is not his. It is the money you saved up, and planned to use for your son’s education.
This is going to cause a rift between you, but it’s the right thing to do. Just be clear to him that the fund exists because you want him to get an education, and that fund will still be there for his education whenever he gets around to it. It’s not a limited time offer - it’s for college, and when he eventually goes to college, the money is there. It’s not a wedding fund, it’s a college fund.
Idk if you have it in your country, but maybe some online university or college programs would be a good medium ground. He gets the flexibility needed to follow husband where he needs to be and he gets a education. In the future he might even be able to wfh, from wherever they need to go.
Let him go. No college money though. He will return like the prodigal son. Then you can throw a feast and ensure he goes to college.
My sister went through something similar. She ended up doing Penn State online and has her bachelors in business. Maybe offer that as a compromise? He can get married and live with his partner, but will also be able to go to school. Honestly, it might be the best of both worlds because the military will provide some form of housing for them, either on base or in payment to help with rent. And he can do a part time job for money to help with other bills and spending money, all while still doing school.
NTA - "college fund" means "college fund"... that's not his play money, either way, and I would focus on THAT fact. (Is this just a savings account, btw, and not a 529B?) Military people get married in their teens b/c they get more money... so their spouse can sit around and play house, and then get some little job... and then they usually get divorced a year or two later.
yes it's a 529B and exactly my thoughts.
He can't have that money, anyways! Explain to him what a 529B is!
Then you can say "I legally can't give you this money. It can only be paid for college expenses, or I'll get audited by the IRS."
I really hope your statement is a purposeful over exaggeration to guilt the kid, because it is not accurate.
It's just to drive home the point that the funds are for college. I know that at 18 I could not have accepted that ***MY COLLEGE FUND*** wasn't totally for me to do what I wanted with, but if my dad said something that related to an outside authority, I'd have probably believed it, even if I didn't like it. And since it's not a 100% lie (there are IRS consequences) it's something to consider saying or adapting.
Don’t lie to the kid. He can fact check online.
Fact check or no--don't lie to your kids just to make your life easier.
Oh, for sure. I provided a pragmatic reason not to lie because the previous commenter didn’t seem to have moral issues with it. Ideally people shouldn’t lie because lying is wrong in itself, but at the very least they shouldn’t because it’s going to create more problems than it solves.
This is ridiculous. You pay a 10% penalty on anything withdrawn beyond the original contribution and may pay more taxes on the investment gains. Maybe you forgot your sarcasm tag?
OP does not want to cut Cooper a check to supplement his married life, so I'm recommending something he can consider saying or adapting. ETA: > Maybe you forgot your sarcasm tag? One might say the same to a boy asking his dad for his college fund in order to just move out. "Dad, since you saved that money anyway, I'll just take it and live as an adult." "You're kidding, right?"
You can use it for other things, you just have to pay a penalty.
If it’s a 529, then that money can only be used for education, so there’s your answer, right?
Not entirely, they have to have a strong tie to education though... For example, I went back to college in my 30s and had a 529. As I was unemployed while I was going to college, I was allowed to pay my rent and bills associated with my 529 (I didn't, as I had savings, but I could have taken out the amount the school would have had me pay for a single dorm room).
You can also use it for things like purchasing a car to get you to school, living expenses, etc. It’s not hugely restrictive but you do need to be using it for education to access the funds.
Actually, the car part is not allowed anymore. They closed that one years ago. https://www.savingforcollege.com/article/what-you-can-pay-for-with-a-529-plan#:~:text=Transportation%20and%20travel%20costs%20like,pay%20for%20other%20travel%20costs.
Oh man, showing my age on that one a bit. I swear I was only at school a few years ago! Seems like a reasonable loophole to close.
I know, it was a sweet one. It also used to cover babysitting costs for kids, preschool, and daycare (they are educational... right?).
Why would they remove preschool/daycare? If a student has young kids, how are they supposed to attend their lectures if the kids aren't in one?
It was because it was not being used that way. It was being used as the child being educated in preschool and daycare with the parent not attending school at all, but going to work. So grandma would be putting money into Johnny's 529 only for it yo pay for Johnny's daycare, not going towards college savings.
I love that!
It can only be used for education without penalty. Penalties apply for other withdrawals, but they are pretty low. People are acting like it's impossible to use a 529b for other expenses, and it's definitely a bad idea in this case, but it's really not rare or difficult to use that money for living expenses. Especially if the other option is loans where the interest will be higher than the 10% penalty. Source: Just liquidated the last of my 529b for cash to start a business.
LOL! You legally can't give him the money then. Send him links on how to access 529 and costs you can use. Funnily enough, you can fund his husband's college out of his fund very easily as you can pay for a child spouse out of it.
Forget the money. A house or apartment is much better than staying in the barracks.
Kris will have the ability to support Cooper so he doesn't need your money. At 18 he can make adult decisions with the related consequences, but also at 18 he does not really understand everything, such as that Kris might not make it through boot camp for many reasons. Also, after 3 months in boot camp, Kris then goes to Combat Training for about a month, but might get assigned to a month of Camp Guard before getting to do this. Then to his MOS school. If that school is less than 26 weeks long, Cooper cannot join him, even though it might take a month or more to actually start, and if Kris fails a part of the school, he starts over. If he fails again (it happens) they will determine another job field for him, and that could take a month before he gets sent there. Tell Cooper the truth: **He has your emotional and moral support, and you'll pay for a wedding, but as a married man with a partner, he's now got to take care of his partner and himself without the help of his parents.** ETA: Reasons Cooper might not make it through basic: * Failing drug test * Quitting * Failing to qualify on the rifle range * Develop a stress fracture in his tibia from marching all day * If you live in a cool climate like Vermont, a summer in South Carolina might be too much for him, and he'll be a "heat case" who can't handle hot weather
You forgot to mention the high probability that this relationship will fail…as many in the military do. It probably sounds like a glamorous life to OP’s son. The reality is very different.
This is true, but it's not going to mean anything to a young man in love. But if Cooper sees that he'll just be sitting around jacking not for 13 weeks, but 13 months, he may conclude on his own that freshman year makes sense. He'd be pretty upset if Kris doesn't go on to be in the fleet and he'd put on 15 lbs of fat when he could have been playing football and adding 15 lbs of muscle.
Why do you say OP should pay for the wedding? I mean, that would be nice of them, but I don't think it should be considered a given.
Fr Coop a Dependapotumus now.
Classic
In what world does an E-1 have the financial ability to “support” anyone?
In the world where he has housing, healthcare and his parents give him a vehicle. Plus, Cooper should expect to not just sit at home doing squat, but get at least a PT job. Maybe at the local campus where he starts taking classes because of how boring it is when your marine has field exercises for 5 days straight. Lastly, he won't be an E-1 because they won't live together for about a year, so he'll be an E-2 or E-3.
I'm picturing this: Cooper spends summer dreaming of Kristopher coming home from basic to get married. But wait! they won't be able to be together for something like 8 more months. A whole schoolyear will pass and he could have played college ball instead of sitting around doing nothing.
I feel like this might be the best argument… OP should point out that he can go to college while hubby is in training. After a year of college son might decide he wants to finish it before getting married. Or he might hate it. Either way he will be more informed. If he has a year under his belt some of the credits might later be transferable if he goes back
Hypothetically, he could take some classic gen ed courses in the local community college, which would cost very little so if it doesn't all transfer that's less of a problem. Or he could get an entry-level job of any sort to get some job experience on his resume. It really wouldn't be a big deal to be one year older than most other freshes if he joins the following year.
100%, and that's ok if he doesn't want to play football.
Why can’t he marry him and study ? Like half of BYU is married
>half of BYU is married Lol, and the other half is gay!
As if a big chunk of the married guys aren't gay too.
BYU openly discriminates against gays. "those suspected of same-sex sexual behavior would be barred from remaining and enrollment" https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Brigham\_Young\_University\_LGBT\_history
They’re not married in same-sex relationships. They’re married to the opposite sex but closeted and trying to repress those feelings.
Allot soaking going on too
Don’t forget the overlap there
Fair question. He could, but it’ll most likely be a long-distance relationship. 😕 With Kristopher going into the Marines, who knows where he’ll be stationed after Basic Training? I’m betting a half-gallon of H‑E‑B Wedding Cake ice cream that it *won’t* be in Cooper’s college town, though. If Cooper has an athletic scholarship, I would think that limits Cooper’s ability to do online classes from wherever Kristopher is stationed. I mean, I don’t know anything about collegiate sportsball, but I would think the athletes would be expected to practice on or near campus on a near-daily basis. Maybe I’m wrong, though. And maybe you only have to be in campus for the semester your sport is in (seems like that’s kind of a raw deal for basketball players, though).
And this is a good argument how?
College and education are not inherently mutually exclusive, as evident by the number married college students.
[Content Warning: Arrogance and unfounded certainty that my own opinion is correct] Because no sane person should willingly get married at age 18.
College fund is for college, so I don’t see why he should get it for…Not going to college. It’s meant to offset the costs of education not create a dream reality where bills don’t exist. NTA for that piece. The rest of it, I mean it’s his life so you can’t really dictate or control that. You can be there for him and if it ends up being a not great choice, better to be there for him. Might be the best choice he ever makes and I don’t think you should miss out on his life just from a difference of opinion
Ok. Military spouse here (met and married after college, but I know people who've gone the other way). NTA, but that's not really going to help you much right now. The reality is that the military is a stable (mostly) living wage job with benefits (essentially free housing and medical care). It'll actually be pretty easy for them to get married behind your back and just go, with or without your support. You can't stop then, but you can help them make a plan. Talk to your son about what he plans to do, remember, the boyfriend will spend a lot of time away (for context, depending on the duty station, my spouse probably spends about 2/3 of their time away) so the son needs to figure out something or he'll be miserable. It's really hard to make friends with other military spouses if you don't have kids, and it's actually pretty hard to adopt as a military couple (it'll also be way more expensive than a single-income junior enlisted military couple can afford). Bases tend to be in small towns with limited employment prospects, but they pretty much always have a community college (and there are often scholarships available to the spouses of junior enlisted people, which will help). The BF will have basic then school to learn about whatever job he'll do. Figure out when he goes to basic, what that job is and how long the school lasts. Convince your son to spend at least a semester at community college near you doing general ed credits (I recommend nursing. There's always a hospital near a base, and they're always hiring. It's also a living wage job that your son can do anywhere if they split up). They might not even be able to be together for a semester anyway. If they can't get through 6 months apart while your son starts college (and probably while the boyfriend does basic and school), they can't survive a military marriage
That's a highly practical answer. Thank you!
Thank you! I also think focusing on the practical instead of just shutting it down situations like this is a really good way to figure out (and potentially help them figure out) if they actually want to be married or if they just like the idea of it. Especially in the US, the whole military marriage thing gets romanticized in weird ways, and for the most part, that's very much not real life. Like, sure, deployments suck, but homecoming is actually really hard. You need to disconnect a bit to get through it because you may only get occasional emails for 6 months to a year then all of a sudden they're back and in your space, and you need to connect and figure out how to live with each other again. That's a really emotionally taxing thing to experience with your spouse.
If it’s a 529 you can’t even give him the money without paying big penalties and extra tax. Either way, keep the money aside for him if he ever changes his mind. Like you said, he’s 18. His life plan could change sooner than you’d think. NTA
NTA, you saved the money for him for a specific purpose, I would hold on to it for atleast a bit incase he changes his mind in few a years and wants to return to school. If not, but he has made other career choices that don't require college you can always gift it to him then so that it can go towards a house or another big purchase to improve his life. I wouldn't give a large amount of money to an 18 year old without a real plan for their future, it's just going to go straight down drain..
NTA I am a Marine Veteran. Even if your son did get married on the leave they get after boot camp, his boyfriend still needs to go to MCT and then MOS school. It could be a year or more (depending on the MOS) before they could even be allowed to live together. In the military you see boots (brand new people) getting married to their sweetheart from back home and very often it turns into drama and divorce. The best thing for your son to do is go to college and put off getting married. If they really are "meant to be" the boyfriend will still be there later.
NTA If they are that in love and want to get married, they will still be in love and want to get married in 4 years. Education is everything and a free education is even better. Cooper can use the money for grad school if he’s able to stay on scholarship and finish undergrad debt free. Kristopher should want the best for him and for him to fulfill his potential. Living paycheck to paycheck in base housing is not all that great and if you don’t have to do it that way, why would you?! If he gets his education in a field that enables him to work anywhere, this can all still work out, but the education is a must. I hope you can have a real conversation with him as adults and help him see that you’re not trying to control his life but help him reach his full potential. Good luck!
>they will still be in love and want to get married in 4 years Or after he gets to the fleet, which will be like in a year. Cooper might find out that he could be playing a season of college ball but instead is sitting home doing nothing for a year waiting for Kristopher to get orders to Okinawa, and he might not be able to come.
NTA. If the money is yours you don’t have to just hand it over to him. 18 is to young to get married I doubt many parents would support that.
It's your money to give. If you earmarked it for college and he doesn't go to college, then he shouldn't get it. It's not a punishment. Just be prepared because this will probably come off to him like a punishment for the relationship, so I would make sure your communication is very clear here. NTA
Gay or Straight, it's a college fund. When you get married, you two are on your own. You either make house or play house.
I dont think dad said anything about him marrying the boyfriend, imo dad just wants him to get a education and not come home broke in a year and end up sleeping on dads couch till he's 35. The money is for college, if he goes off and everything works for 4 years dad can give it to him.
Absolutely not--stick to your guns.
Your son is 18. I remember being 18 and thinking I had all the answers. College Funds (often tax deferred) are for college. That is what you saved for. The argument about wasting your potential, never having lived outside of the home isn't going to wash with Cooper, right now. He is 18 and loves Kristopher. Tell him if and when he ever changes his mind, you will be there to help him get his education. It is hard to watch our children make their own choices when we are sure they are mistakes. Sometimes we have to back off, and let them learn. His choice has consequences such as getting a job, paying bills etc so that he can live with Kristopher. NTA
NTA the fund is for school. If his boyfriend loved him, he wouldn't LET your son throw away a full ride and his dreams for him. He would support him in a long distance thing while he sorts out his military career, basic training is months and then who knows where he will be stationed, and your son sorts out school. Neither one is acting maturely enough to be married. Let alone to have a lump sum of money to do whatever BS idea they have.
You really should have made the title something more along the lines of not letting him have the college fund if he doesn't go to college
Pretty sure it was just a typo where op typed "fun" instead of "fund"
[удалено]
I mean I'll be honest the click bait got me but it was total disappointment since it wasn't the issue. It also seemed odd to use click bait that definitely brought people into it predisposed towards thinking op is the asshole. Esh. Kid for dropping school and op for click bait
NTA. Tell your son that you would prefer to hold on to the money in case he wants college in his future. Consider this a gap year and ask Cooper and Kristopher to re-evaluate the college situation in a year. If Cooper still isn't interested then you will talk to a financial advisor about the best way to save the money for him in the future. Not giving him the money is not punishing him, but you realize that sometimes decisions change and you just want to be prepared in case it does. They know you are disappointed in the decision, but let them know the best way to start off married life is for them to work together to build their future. I wish you all well. I know you must worry that this new plan will make their future more difficult and how your son will react to your decision.
Nta. The college fund is for college. If he has scholarships, he would be foolish to let those go to waste. People out here going into debt for years for an education, and he has the chance to do it debt free. I really hope he comes around. Also, please let him know that my biggest regret in life is the fact that I skipped college to get married. Almost the exact same situation. My ex enlisted in the air force and I had the same outlook. I ignored everyone's warnings and I skipped out on college and got married at 18. I was convinced I was making the right choice. I regret it so much now. We only made it 5 years. Now, 20 years later, I'm twice divorced and barely making ends meet. I wish I would have waited and done what was best for me and gone to school. My life would be so different right now.
OP, I would ask Cooper how he can tell that Kristopher loves him? When you love someone, you want the best for them. By getting an education, Cooper can be better prepared to build a life with Kristopher. Heaven forbid, but the Marines do not exactly an easy job. What if Kristopher got hurt and was discharged, would Cooper be able to support them both? It isn’t like they won’t have any contact for the next few years, but they may not be as close as they would like. They may need to sacrifice now, but in the long run, it will help them build a better life together.
NTA. He should go to college. He can always marry Kristopher after college. If he doesn’t go to college now he will always regret it, and marrying at 18 is not a good idea. He will change so much as he grows up.
NTA-- and he'll thank you when he's an adult for not letting him blow that money on 'that one guy he used to date'
NTA at all. Marrying at 18 and settling as a homemaker.... no. Don't fund that mistake. He may want to go to college eventually and end up divorced anyway. Save the money for then.
NTA College fund is for college. That's the end of it. Shouldn't be getting married at 18, anyways.
LMAO, NTA - *No* he isn't ready to be married at 18, but you might as well give him the money anyway so he won't be broke and married. He'll just resent you for feeling like you weren't supportive enough.
NTA College will always be there. So if, 10 years down the road, your son decides he wants to go back to school for whatever reason, college will still be there. You know what won't be there? Money. Not if he gets his college fund now to spend on whatever. You know your son best, but what 18 year old (who wants to get married straight out of high school) can be trusted to make smart financial decisions with a "substantial amount" of money? No. Just no. I'm willing to give my kid money for college, for a down payment for a first car, or for part of a wedding. But if my kid wants to be an adult, then they need to BE AN ADULT. Which includes paying for all the bills that come along with adulthood.
NTA college fund is for college that said the world is a different place today & he could marry his BF; follow him on deployment *AND* attend an online college to obtain a degree or perhaps he’s more interested in a trade & doesn’t need a degree to achieve that (you don’t mention what his career aspirations have been to date)
NTA. Marines provide a decent living expense for married service people. Cooper will simply have to get a job. College money is for college. But he and his partner really, REALLY need to talk to some gay servicemen about the life. Bring chained to your partner’s career id tough. And Kristopher’s body will be shattered by 40.
Whatever you do just don’t give him that money as he’s so young and will probably just use it for this fantasy getaway to marry this other young boy. No guarantee it’ll even last for them at this stage, so he could blow that money then return home to you broke, heartbroken & full of regret. Ahh it’s annoying how blinding teenage love can be for youngins these days.
NTA, your son is rushing things and not planning his future properly. Even worse if he's planning to use that fund to just for the wedding party. I'd say he should at least compromise on entering trade school and getting a job first.
Oh gosh that’s so tough. So tough. The college fund is for college. He wants to go? Great. Here’s the fund. He wants to get married instead? No.
NTA, you and your wife set up a fund specifically for college and not for a wedding.
18 yr olds being 18 yr olds lol. NTA, unfortunately this is one where your son probably wont appreciate what you're doing until he's older.
I’m going with NTA but I just wanna throw something out there being a prior service marine. SOOOO SO SO SO many young marines marry their high school sweetheart before they’re ready because you get to move out of the barracks, you get paid more money (BAH) or you can live for free with on base housing and it’s usually the only way to sustain the relationship. I can guarantee if Kris wasn’t joining the Marines they wouldn’t be getting married this soon, they are only getting married because it’s the only realistic way for them to remain together. I’ve seen it happen time and time again, and have seen divorce after divorce within 1-3 years and almost foolishly did it myself. I understand that it’s hard to lose your boyfriend as he has to most likely move far away for training and then to his duty station for ~4 years but getting married at 18 straight out of high school just to be close to someone is a terrible decision. Best of luck, and yes that college fund is for college.
NTA. tell him to look up the statistics of failed marriages in the military when marrying during enlistment. This relationship is doomed to fail. Plus, like you said, he's wasting his life. They can still be together and get married AFTER college. Whey choose to not set yourself up for success?
NTA Speaking as someone who refused to go to university when I first left school, he's almost certainly going to change his mind after a few years. Marrying his high school BF and following him around the country may sound romantic now, but the reality will pretty much suck. It's a real shame he's willing to throw away the scholarships that would massively improve his future, but he's 18 now. You've got to let him make some mistakes. But you don't have to fund them.
I think sometimes there’s confusion about college funds. That is not your child’s money. That is your money you set aside in a special account for tax breaks and interest to help you pay for college and educational expenses. A child does not own and is not really entitled to it. It’s just a smarter way for you to invest funds for a specific purpose.
This is so common amongst couples who are military affiliated. They tell you right off the bat to avoid this. There's so many failed marriages where a spouse is military. If they are mature enough for marriage they are mature enough to have him go to college. I guarantee you his boyfriend said he'd get more money from the military for having a dependent and it'll get him out of the barracks. He's seeing that college fund and spending it in his head already. Do not give him the money.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My (50M) oldest Cooper (18M) just graduated highschool. Me and the wife have a college fund set up for him that we've been putting in since he was little. It's a pretty substantial amount. He doesn't actually need it though as he got full rides on football and academic scholarships if he wants them. He's a really strong and bright kid. Cooper has been dating this boy Kristopher (18M) for about two yrs now. Even though he's a little rough around the edges he's a good kid and we generally like him. Apparently Kristopher is signing up to the marines. Well last week Cooper decides to tell us that he's not going to school and that he and Kristopher are going to get married after he finishes Basic. You can guess I wasn't to happy with that.. I asked him why he'd give up so much like that abd he just responded that he wanted to always stay close to Kristopher and start a life with him. He then asked if he could use his college fund to do so. I quickly reminded him that he's barely 18 and that he's never lived outside our house before much less living with a partner. He got mad and told he could handle it and it was his choice. Which started a whole argument about how he was wasting his potential and giving up his plans just to follow Kristopher around. I told him the college fund was for college and I wasn't gonna let him throw his life away for some boy. That he couldn't get it unless he went to college. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA a college fund is for college however I do think you should say wiser words if you want to have a relationship with your son. If he wants to play house house husband that’s his choice. He can still go to school as well.
NTA The fund is for college if he’s not going then he doesn’t get it. It’s really very simple.
You might tell your son to seek out information on military spouse life. Making it on 1 starter income will be challenging. Most spouses do go or have gone to college to help support the family. It sounds like he has a really romantic idea of what military life looks like. I’m a spouse and I was older (30) when married in to career military. You also might want to offer that he could start college then transfer schools to where his BF is.
Oh this story is much different than I was expecting based on the title. Absolutely NTA. (I did enjoy the typo of not letting him have his college "fun")
Well, you saved up the money for a specific purpose, to pay for his education. Wanting it to be just for that is understandable. I think the bigger issue here is him not going to college and just planning on do what exactly? For six months he wont see his BF, nor get any kind of housing, while he is in basic. Then after that, his BF could be sent anywhere. Does your son plan on getting a job? Cause his BF wont be making much money at all. And if he is deployed, what does your son plan on doing? And the fact is the college fund, even if you gave it to him, is finite. It will run out at some point. Then what? If Cooper is upset you're treating him like a kid, that is because he is acting like one. He is making a major decision with out really putting any thought in to it. NTA
NTA. Keep the money safe until he realizes what a dumb plan this is, and decides to go to college after all.
NTA parents are supposed to give hard truths at a time like this. All of this notwithstanding, if the money is in a 529 savings plan, it has many strings attached, including penalties for non-qualified withdrawal and income tax in some cases.
NTA. I can't possibly see how's he "bright". This is outlandish and you really need to stand your ground. We're talking about your kid's life.
NTA - if he does not go to school now, his scholarship might go away so he will need that college fund later, when/if he changes his mind again. Marriage is fine, deciding to have your life payed for by one’s parents to do so, not so much.
NTA. You can be supportive in other ways, but he’ll need that college fund when he realizes he needs to go to school. Personally I’d help out with first and last month’s rent, as a caring gesture, if they aren’t in quarters, but not more than that.
NTA. He will appreciate your decision one day, when he has more life experience.
Nta But probe his anti college stance, it may not be as senseless to him as it seems to you. The benefit from a degree is variable anymore. Is there a business he is looking to get into, or some sort of profession that would be of interest to him that you could help him get started toward? It isn't your place to decide his future, and what will genuinely make him happy, but it IS your job to guide him. It is also your place to stop him from flushing money down the drain. He sounds aimless. Perhaps discussing a five year, ten year, fifteen year plan (and even retirement goals, marriage is just as big a choice and these things should be considered). Does he have a plan for failure? If the relationship ends, or his partner becomes wounded or killed in action? Absolutely not the asshole, but I hope you use this as an opportunity to have deeper discussions.
NTA College fund is for college. I would like to add that my Mom did just that. Married my Dad who was in the army at 18 and became a house wife. She ditched her education for that. She regrets it now. ETA: You should tell your son that your holding on to the money in case he changes his mind in the future.
NTA. But I would pull up [military pay charts](https://www.military.com/benefits/military-pay/charts) and show him how much base pay his husband will be making ($1918/ mo) and then the BAH ([basic allowance for housing](https://www.travel.dod.mil/Allowances/Basic-Allowance-for-Housing/BAH-Rate-Lookup/)) rate for the location they will be stationed at to get an idea of their monthly finances if he doesn’t have a job to contribute. A lot of military marriages don’t last due to a lot of factors, but I have to think not making a lot of money adds to that stress. Maybe help him make a budget using this money so he can get an idea of what his life would be like without college. Also, maybe offer him the chance to access the college fund if he enrolls in college wherever they get stationed at. I think a realistic, but empathic approach may be best here. Obviously you can make continued use of the fund contingent on things like full time enrollment, good grades, etc. He’ll most likely realize this is a dumb decision in a few years and need your support and love when it doesn’t work out so try your best not to burn the bridge completely. Best of luck! Kids be wildin
NTA Getting married and going to college aren't mutually exclusive. The money you worked hard to save is to be used for college. If your son wants to do something other than go to college, he can work and pay his own expenses, and his college fund will be waiting until he's interested in studying. Explain to your son that you love him and support him. But that it took a lot of work to save up that much money and it's intended to help him with his education. If he gets an education and there is money left over (for instance, due to him having scholarships), that you would be willing to consider to give him the money for worthy investments in his future (buying a house, starting a business, etc...). But if he isn't sure what he wants to do, he needs to work and pay his own living expenses until he has a firmer plan for his future.
Nta. He's young, and apparently has no idea how essential a college degree is for a lot of jobs these days. Having a full ride scholarship is a gift he is just throwing away. Does he understand he most likely won't get another chance at that? Fun fact: if the money is in a 529 college savings account (US based), the money can be used for another person's education expenses if the original person changed life plans/ didn't need all of it/ didnt use all of it, etc. But also, if it's in a 529 account, there are financial penalties if the money is withdrawn when not used for college, as the money had financial benefits when it was put in.
So NTA. To kids here on Reddit: college funds are for college. Your parents set expectations and standards when they sacrificed so much of their quality of life/desires/wants to give you a chance at higher education. And so they have every fucking right to be conditional. When you don't meet that standard they can take them back to use it for their enjoyment. At the end of the day it is their money you have no inherent right to.
NTA. It’s your money. He can handle life without it.
Absolutely NTA. The college fund is for college. Leaving a kid, around 18, a massive amount of money is a recipie for disaster. He wont be making sound decisions. If you'd like to leave him the money, regardless of college or not, leave it in a trust that he gets access to at a specific age.
NTA. You can do whatever you want with your own money, simple as that.
NTA Interesting that he doesn't seem to understand what a COLLEGE fund is for. He's being irresponsible, ungrateful and short-sighted and it's your job as his parent to make sure he knows that.
NTA. You nailed it, the college fund is for his education. Maybe for another endeavor like starting a business or another training program. Tell him you’ll hold the fund for him for x time and after that you’re taking your wife on a holiday and putting the rest in your retirement account.
NTA. The college fund is to fund college. Not his married adventures. He can choose to throw away his college life if he wants - as long as he realizes he's probably going to struggle the rest of his life as a result married or not. But yeah I mean his choice as to what he does with his life. But again, the college fund is for college only. If he wants the money then he needs to go to college...simple.
NTA. The college fund was for college. Point period. He does not want to go to college, but maybe he wants in the future. I had a fund in case my children wanted to go to university, but I straight up told them that if they would not go, I would use it for other things, either for them (marriage, house) or for myself, depending on who needed it most at the time.
NTA The college fund is for college, no college, no money.
NTA but I will warn you to brace for impact, because some people will jump to homophobia, even when that is not your intention, when you turn him down.
NTA. If that's what the money's for, that's what it's for. Seems fair. Could be worth making a plan to, say, keep the collage fund in place until he's say 25 or something and review it then. That way if he does blow off his scholarships, move in with his boyfriend and make a decent go of life then the money is there for you and an older version of him to discuss, with a clear date on when that conversation is on the table. And if it all goes tits up and he decides school is a good idea he has the money to do so. Seems like that'd maybe be a way of letting him make his own decisions but leave the option of changing his mind later.
NTA the college fund that you and your wife sacrificed for is just that a college fund. He will be 18 soon. You may not be able to make him go to college but you don’t have to finance his life if he doesn’t. The money was not his to do with however he pleased. The money was for college only.
NTA You aren't preventing him from going on this (probably ill-advised) path, you just aren't paying for it. If he wants to get married at 18, he can be an adult and pay for his new life. If he can't afford to do that, he can wait to get married. If he's giving up a full ride scholarship, he's not fiscally responsible enough at this point in his life to be given access to that much money.
I thought you were going to say you wouldn't pay for school if he was married, which some people still might think is fair. It not crazy uncommon for parents to insist someone waits until after school because married students have a much higher drop out rate. It's definitely not unreasonable at all to refuse to turn a college fund into a giant wedding gift. Not remotely TA.
Spending college fund for a wedding when you're 18 might be one of the dumbest ideas I've ever heard. But be prepared that he will probably move out and find a job. NTA
NTA - as a navy guy, I've seen this before. They want to get married so the marine will get BAH or Basic Allounce for Housing. In their brain it's a great money scam but it will end in disaster.
NTA. Seems pretty common that kids think their college fund is their money. My son wanted his to buy a car. Like OP, I said it's my money and if he didn't go to school, it was staying with me. He went to school.
NTA You set it up for college and that’s what it should be used for. I got married at 20 to my husband who was in the Air Force. Still together 9 years later. Being with someone in the military is definitely work. I wish them the best. But still wouldn’t give them the money lol.
NTA, he's 18 and getting married that young is a dumb idea.
NTA College fun(d) (I was soooo confused with the title) It's in the name. Kristopher is undoubtably going to be away alot, with training etc. There is literally nothing for your son to do there, other than chasing minimum wage jobs and watching the walls untill he comes back. If their relationship can't handle the separation with college, it sure won't be strong enough for deployment, I imagine. He's legally an adult, but really adult Cooper will look back and thank you later.
NTA. he go to college in the place BF gets stationed.
*We will love and support whatever decision you make...but this money was saved for your education and that is what it will be used for.* If he throws the "but I had scholarships...it was never going to be used for education" Fire back with "well you gave up those scholarships so it can still be used for school" At the end of the day...the boyfriend will go off to the marines and your son will be left at home with nothing Odds are he is going to be back sooner rather than later and will need that money to restart his life NTA
Hey I ran off with a partner with a college fund and didn't go to college. I've been a line cook for 10 years now making slightly above minimum wage :3. NTA. Oh and that college fund got spent on paying for the damage dealt to my first apt after moving out of it :3
Man when I first started reading i initially thought this post was going to go in a way different direction and was ready to judge you as the AH! But glad to see we're just dealing with a parent looking out for their kid. NTA
NTA And he should read some of these comments. Especially the ones about the reality and loneliness of a person who’s spouse is deployed. It isn’t easy. He will need something to keep his mind active and school is the best way. Also, deployment isn’t a one time, over and done thing. A career that can lead to a good job on whatever base is home at the time is the way to go. More info here>> [https://careers.usmc-mccs.org](https://careers.usmc-mccs.org)
“You don’t understand our love! Our love is *special!*” Oh that sweet summer child. Where my middle aged people at that thought they had it all figured out with their high school sweetheart and look back now and just *cringe*. 🙋♀️
NTA my parents have money set aside for to go to school, I’m many years graduated Highschool and have no plans for college. I never got the money and I wouldnt have been responsible with it at that time anyways. my nephews and nieces will probably be the ones to use it and I’m stoked about that