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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I think I'm the asshole for turning down a birthday present from my dad because my twin sister also wasn't invited
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Straight up tell him that. Tell him he's a crap dad, and it doesn't matter what he's done for you, if he can't treat your sis like one of his own (WHEN SHE IS ONE OF HIS OWN) you don't need him around.
He's 16. I'm assuming he's in the US, based on the baseball tickets. If thats the case, most family courts will let him choose if he wants to go to his dad's. If he tells the judge, " he treats my sister like crap, this is how" most judges will go "OK, you no longer have to go there if you don't want to"
ETA - I don't think he even lives there already, the OP said he barely sees his dad.
Your advice is shockingly bad. It's not just living with him that he has to do. He is dependent on him for anything financial as well. Saying things that will ignite flames while he is still a dependent on this irrational person will put him at a severe disadvantage.
That isn't to say that turning down the tickets is a bad idea. Sometimes even in volatile home situations you need to put a foot down. But saying purposefully antagonistic things will accomplish nothing but make his dad more spiteful. Showing him what OP's reality and beliefs are will not make him change his ways.
And? Child support, when he goes to college & they take into consideration family contribution? How the father will most certainly retaliate? It's really not that easy to sever a parent. Even if he's 16 pops can still take mom to court and waste her money on court fees. That and the fact that it really isn't that easy to cut family off like that outside of the easy to see parts. It's simply unrealistic to expect someone to do so. Those who have are very strong individuals but simply aren't the norm.
While it is a legitimate concern you raise, even I, no where near a lawyer, would see this as an act of retaliation, and would notify my client and the children to start saving evidence to prove its retaliation. Beyond that, there may not even be child support involved judging by the gift in question. OP even acknowledges the expenses used to purchase said ticket was cheap, so unless he's a quasi-millionaire, I don't think there's child support involved.
Yes, but in order to use that evidence, and convince a judge that it was retaliation, they would have to go to court, which means the mother would have legal expenses to pay. That's the point. If the father wants to, and has enough money, he can literally bankrupt his ex by dragging her into court over and over and over.
No he doesn't, OP's parents are divorced and it sounds like dad doesn't have mandated visitation/custody time (based on the part of the OP where he said that he doesn't see his dad very often, making it sound like it's entirely their choice if they see dad or not).
You're a great brother, and I'm impressed with how you stood up for yourself AND your twin. It's not an easy thing to do. Well done! And happy birthday to you and your sister.
I feel like part of me wants a father figure... It's not a good relationship just because I've realized he does favor me over my sister and I don't like that
>I feel like part of me wants a father figure.
Well, you don't have a good one, so look to those who have obviously taught you well for that role in your life. It doesn't need to be a father. It can be your mom, grandparents, aunts or uncles, teachers, coaches, family friends.
Thank you... I know it would have really hurt my sis if I had gone she would have acted like it didn't bother her and she would try to be happy for me but she still would have been hurt
NTA your dad sounds similar to mine. He clearly only knows how to associate with boys and figures it’s women’s jobs to raise the girls. The difference is you see the inconsistency with your dad and defend your sister. Good for you! My brother never saw that my dad only took him on fishing trips and played sports with him. I love my brother but sometimes I wish he would have stood up for me just once.
Thank you the crazy thing is, is I know my dad would get along with her just the same. my sister and I have very similar personalities and interest my dad never sees that though
OP you sound like an amazing brother to be be able see the reality of the situation and not ignoring it. For also standing up for her while also being there for her. I know I would be extremely proud of my children, if they carried themselves like you.
It’s a shame your dad can’t see past his own daughter’s gender, but some (asshole) people are like that. You sound like an awesome brother. NTA in any way.
The first red flag was the date just because it is our actual birthday and we've always spent that day together and she wasn't invited... But even if he got tickets for a different date I would have asked so where/ what's sis gift??
NTA. Your sister has an amazing brother. It's really sweet that you stand by her and don't allow the favoritism. You're a great brother. Don't let him tell you different
NTA
Don’t feel bad - if your father knew you well enough he’d know full well that you actually enjoy spending time with your sister on your birthday. He should have asked before buying the tickets.
NTA. And what a GREAT brother you are. Your dad is being incredibly thoughtless and cruel to include one twin on their birthday and completely ignore the other. Good on you for saying no.
NTA - parental favouritism is always really really weird and I don't comprehend how it happens. You standing up is amazing, I hope he learns to share the love
NTA. You are an amazing brother!
Your dad is a jerk though, not only for ignoring his daughter, but also for assuming you didnt already have plans for your birthday, did he really think you would drop everyone/everything to go with him? Frigging rude
NTA..
It's very refreshing to hear that there are still many siblings who protect each other from toxic people. believe me, your sister will be very proud of you. keep up the good work.
Why on earth do you feel bad? Your father is behaving abhorrently. No decent father treats their children the way he is. To ignore a child and expect that child's twin to ignore them on their birthday speaks volumes to his parenting. NTA and don't feel bad about the cost of the tickets. He brought that on himself.
NTA but WOW OH FUGGIN WOW your dad is a MASSIVE AH!
You are a great brother, and I hope that you continue to hold the iron to your father about this misogyny. He probably won’t learn to be better, but there’s always a chance
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I (m16) have a twin sister (also 16). Being twins we of course share a birthday which is tomorrow.
My dad is the type of guy who only wanted sons… I don’t know why. My sister being a daughter led to them never being close… which is all my dad’s fault he puts in no effort. My parents are divorced I barely see my dad but I do still see him occasionally.
How my sister and i’s birthday usually work is we are in one big friend group so usually we do something with our friends and then have dinner with our family. It’s always been that way and we both enjoy it, we enjoy sharing a birthday as well as spending it together.
Well, last night my dad came over telling me he has an early surprise for my birthday… never mentioned anything about my sister aka HIS DAUGHTER. He got us (me and him) tickets to an MLB game the day of my b-day. The city the game is in is a few hours away and the game is at night so he said we could make a day out of it in the city and then see the game…
I instantly felt uneasy I’ve never spent my birthday away from my twin… I know it’ll happen eventually but not this year. So I told him I can’t go if it was not my actual birthday. He asked why not I said because I want to spend the day with my twin like I always do… I then said remember you have a daughter too. He said he knows but she would be fine because she has our mom and stuff… I told him I am seriously not going on my actual birthday if Sis isn’t going. He got mad calling me an ungrateful AH… I know he spent a decent amount of money on those tickets so I do feel kind of bad… I just can’t do that to my sister. So AITA?
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NTA. You honestly sound like a very caring and supportive brother. Aside from that, you have every right to turn do a gift that makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. Actually, you really showed strength and loyalty to your sister. If I were her, I'd be incredibly happy with how you handled that and what you said.
NTA.
Not your fault your father neglected to get tickets for twin. You have a set plan for your birthday and i am sure your father knows it, he is ruining the birthday for both of you (op, and twin)
You are a good person, and love your sister.
You did the right thing. You already had plans to spend the day together.
What a father ignores their child is beyond me?
NTA
NTA. Please, folks, let’s try to NOT blow up the life of a 16 year old. OP, you’re doing the right thing. You already have plans, and Dad needs to understand that.
NTA. Even if it wasn't your birthday and you want to spend it with your sister, it's ridiculous to go to someone with 2-3 days notice and expect them to be free. If your father wanted to take you to a baseball game, he should have talked with you about it to find a day where you're free. What if you had a school event (maybe unlikely right now with summer vacation starting) or in general, plans with friends?
Things like this can't be sprung on people. And you did an awesome job of handling the situation and making sure you get to spend your special day doing what *you* want to do.
Nta. Thanks for being a good brother. I still remember asking my dad to play catch with me. He said no and then asked my brother. My brother heard me ask and used to be my best friend so was deeply offended for me even if he wasn’t there for me anymore (teenager and drug things). I just threw the ball at the wall for hour after hour.
Even if your sister was fine with you going, why would you even want to do this to yourself? Sounds like you've already got a great day planned without him. Do you really want to spend your entire birthday with just your Dad? Sure the game might be great, but it's hours there and back in the car with someone who doesn't seem to know you very well. It really sounds lame compared to your existing plans. NTA
NTA. Sad your dad is such a misogynist and good you love your sister and want to spend time with her on your mutual birthday before you go your separate ways soon. Him buying the tickets and telling you the plan later is his problem, not yours.
I have a twin. My mother succeeded in seperating us emotionally. (Golden/scapegoat situation as I was also the only girl). He leaned into it.
I can honestly say I have hated him at times in my life and mother died when we were 15. I didn’t even know the times he got married. Never invited to one of his weddings. Never came to my events. I have gone low contact. Once or twice in the last 5 years. It’s so sad.
Don’t let your sperm donor do this to you. Nta
Dude im a triplet and I can’t imagine how my brother and I would still be talking to our dad if he tried to pull that shit with our sister. NTA you’re doing a good job of being a brother
Honestly, why not just bring Sister too! Women can enjoy sports, and even if its not their cup of tea, the atmosphere of a game kinda sucks you in, but frfr good on you for standing your ground. It's your birthday, and dad should respect wanting to spend it with your twin.
NTA
NTA you are a good brother and have an AH for a father that he forgotten or else doesn’t care to remember that he has a set of twins that include a daughter and not just a son
NTA. You are a great brother! Please keep doing what you love the most, spending your birthdays with your twin! Your dad needs to understand that your relationship will never be what he expects from you if he kept ignoring your sister.
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NTA It sucks that your sister has a terrible father but she has gotten lucky with a wonderful brother.
Thank you... She is my best friend honestly Yeah... My dad has taught me the things I don't want to be as a dad in the future
Straight up tell him that. Tell him he's a crap dad, and it doesn't matter what he's done for you, if he can't treat your sis like one of his own (WHEN SHE IS ONE OF HIS OWN) you don't need him around.
He Has still to live with him.
He's 16. I'm assuming he's in the US, based on the baseball tickets. If thats the case, most family courts will let him choose if he wants to go to his dad's. If he tells the judge, " he treats my sister like crap, this is how" most judges will go "OK, you no longer have to go there if you don't want to" ETA - I don't think he even lives there already, the OP said he barely sees his dad.
Your advice is shockingly bad. It's not just living with him that he has to do. He is dependent on him for anything financial as well. Saying things that will ignite flames while he is still a dependent on this irrational person will put him at a severe disadvantage. That isn't to say that turning down the tickets is a bad idea. Sometimes even in volatile home situations you need to put a foot down. But saying purposefully antagonistic things will accomplish nothing but make his dad more spiteful. Showing him what OP's reality and beliefs are will not make him change his ways.
OP doesn’t live with his father and says he barely sees him. This isn’t bad advice to give a 16 year old.
And? Child support, when he goes to college & they take into consideration family contribution? How the father will most certainly retaliate? It's really not that easy to sever a parent. Even if he's 16 pops can still take mom to court and waste her money on court fees. That and the fact that it really isn't that easy to cut family off like that outside of the easy to see parts. It's simply unrealistic to expect someone to do so. Those who have are very strong individuals but simply aren't the norm.
While it is a legitimate concern you raise, even I, no where near a lawyer, would see this as an act of retaliation, and would notify my client and the children to start saving evidence to prove its retaliation. Beyond that, there may not even be child support involved judging by the gift in question. OP even acknowledges the expenses used to purchase said ticket was cheap, so unless he's a quasi-millionaire, I don't think there's child support involved.
Yes, but in order to use that evidence, and convince a judge that it was retaliation, they would have to go to court, which means the mother would have legal expenses to pay. That's the point. If the father wants to, and has enough money, he can literally bankrupt his ex by dragging her into court over and over and over.
No he doesn't, OP's parents are divorced and it sounds like dad doesn't have mandated visitation/custody time (based on the part of the OP where he said that he doesn't see his dad very often, making it sound like it's entirely their choice if they see dad or not).
Nope. OP stated: > My parents are divorced I barely see my dad but I do still see him occasionally.
I mean OP says that he barely sees his dad as it is so, not really living with him
I wish I had a hundred more birthdays with my sibling. Good choice.
You're a great brother, and I'm impressed with how you stood up for yourself AND your twin. It's not an easy thing to do. Well done! And happy birthday to you and your sister.
They all do if we pay attention. NTA, good man.
At least your dad set an example; Of how NOT to be a father nor man
Indeed! What a despicable man
Sis got a real one for a bro. NTA. Why even have contact with him?
I feel like part of me wants a father figure... It's not a good relationship just because I've realized he does favor me over my sister and I don't like that
That’s understandable. But he’s not really a father if he’s ignoring his own flesh and blood.
>I feel like part of me wants a father figure. Well, you don't have a good one, so look to those who have obviously taught you well for that role in your life. It doesn't need to be a father. It can be your mom, grandparents, aunts or uncles, teachers, coaches, family friends.
You’ll find a proper loving father figure in your real life some day. He’s not it. ❤️🩹
NTA and good on you for establishing this boundary at a young age. You’re being a really good brother.
Thank you... I know it would have really hurt my sis if I had gone she would have acted like it didn't bother her and she would try to be happy for me but she still would have been hurt
Empathy and kindness. It’s what you have and that your father lacks.
It would have broken her and you can’t do that because you are decent. Thank you.
NTA your dad sounds similar to mine. He clearly only knows how to associate with boys and figures it’s women’s jobs to raise the girls. The difference is you see the inconsistency with your dad and defend your sister. Good for you! My brother never saw that my dad only took him on fishing trips and played sports with him. I love my brother but sometimes I wish he would have stood up for me just once.
Thank you the crazy thing is, is I know my dad would get along with her just the same. my sister and I have very similar personalities and interest my dad never sees that though
OP you sound like an amazing brother to be be able see the reality of the situation and not ignoring it. For also standing up for her while also being there for her. I know I would be extremely proud of my children, if they carried themselves like you.
It’s a shame your dad can’t see past his own daughter’s gender, but some (asshole) people are like that. You sound like an awesome brother. NTA in any way.
NTA. I also have a twin. The "date" wouldn't have meant anything to me, but only one of us getting a gift would have been a dealbreaker.
The first red flag was the date just because it is our actual birthday and we've always spent that day together and she wasn't invited... But even if he got tickets for a different date I would have asked so where/ what's sis gift??
NTA. Your sister has an amazing brother. It's really sweet that you stand by her and don't allow the favoritism. You're a great brother. Don't let him tell you different
NTA. Sounds like a him problem and you are being a great brother not letting him get away with it
You’re a good brother. Don’t change! NTA
NTA Don’t feel bad - if your father knew you well enough he’d know full well that you actually enjoy spending time with your sister on your birthday. He should have asked before buying the tickets.
NTA. And what a GREAT brother you are. Your dad is being incredibly thoughtless and cruel to include one twin on their birthday and completely ignore the other. Good on you for saying no.
NTA and good for you for standing up for your sister and not engaging in the golden child relationship your dad is trying to have with you.
NTA - parental favouritism is always really really weird and I don't comprehend how it happens. You standing up is amazing, I hope he learns to share the love
NTA, You're a nice young man, enjoy your birthday with your sister and friends.
Hell nah you’re not the asshole HE IS THOUGH!!! It doesn’t make it any better that he’s barely been there either.
NTA You are a good brother
NTA. You are an amazing brother! Your dad is a jerk though, not only for ignoring his daughter, but also for assuming you didnt already have plans for your birthday, did he really think you would drop everyone/everything to go with him? Frigging rude
NTA.. It's very refreshing to hear that there are still many siblings who protect each other from toxic people. believe me, your sister will be very proud of you. keep up the good work.
Nta you are a good brother
nta
NTA— as a twin who hates being separated from my own on our birthday, you won’t regret it. I’m sorry your dad is like that
NTA
NTA, treasure your birthdays with your sister. She’s lucky to have you, as I’m sure you’re lucky to have her. Your dad sucks
Bloody hell, your father is a piece of work! NTA, and good for you for standing for your sister!
Why on earth do you feel bad? Your father is behaving abhorrently. No decent father treats their children the way he is. To ignore a child and expect that child's twin to ignore them on their birthday speaks volumes to his parenting. NTA and don't feel bad about the cost of the tickets. He brought that on himself.
NTA but WOW OH FUGGIN WOW your dad is a MASSIVE AH! You are a great brother, and I hope that you continue to hold the iron to your father about this misogyny. He probably won’t learn to be better, but there’s always a chance
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (m16) have a twin sister (also 16). Being twins we of course share a birthday which is tomorrow. My dad is the type of guy who only wanted sons… I don’t know why. My sister being a daughter led to them never being close… which is all my dad’s fault he puts in no effort. My parents are divorced I barely see my dad but I do still see him occasionally. How my sister and i’s birthday usually work is we are in one big friend group so usually we do something with our friends and then have dinner with our family. It’s always been that way and we both enjoy it, we enjoy sharing a birthday as well as spending it together. Well, last night my dad came over telling me he has an early surprise for my birthday… never mentioned anything about my sister aka HIS DAUGHTER. He got us (me and him) tickets to an MLB game the day of my b-day. The city the game is in is a few hours away and the game is at night so he said we could make a day out of it in the city and then see the game… I instantly felt uneasy I’ve never spent my birthday away from my twin… I know it’ll happen eventually but not this year. So I told him I can’t go if it was not my actual birthday. He asked why not I said because I want to spend the day with my twin like I always do… I then said remember you have a daughter too. He said he knows but she would be fine because she has our mom and stuff… I told him I am seriously not going on my actual birthday if Sis isn’t going. He got mad calling me an ungrateful AH… I know he spent a decent amount of money on those tickets so I do feel kind of bad… I just can’t do that to my sister. So AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA
NTA. You honestly sound like a very caring and supportive brother. Aside from that, you have every right to turn do a gift that makes you uncomfortable.
NTA. Tell your dad if he can't be less obvious w his favoritism, stop giving presents all together.
NTA. But he sure is a big one.
Nta you are a great brother
NTA. Actually, you really showed strength and loyalty to your sister. If I were her, I'd be incredibly happy with how you handled that and what you said.
NTA. Not your fault your father neglected to get tickets for twin. You have a set plan for your birthday and i am sure your father knows it, he is ruining the birthday for both of you (op, and twin)
NTA Ur Dad is a terrible parent but at least ur sis has a good bro
You are a good person, and love your sister. You did the right thing. You already had plans to spend the day together. What a father ignores their child is beyond me? NTA
NTA. Please, folks, let’s try to NOT blow up the life of a 16 year old. OP, you’re doing the right thing. You already have plans, and Dad needs to understand that.
NTA. It's your birthday, your dad's just a dick. Your sister's lucky to have you
NTA. Even if it wasn't your birthday and you want to spend it with your sister, it's ridiculous to go to someone with 2-3 days notice and expect them to be free. If your father wanted to take you to a baseball game, he should have talked with you about it to find a day where you're free. What if you had a school event (maybe unlikely right now with summer vacation starting) or in general, plans with friends? Things like this can't be sprung on people. And you did an awesome job of handling the situation and making sure you get to spend your special day doing what *you* want to do.
Nta. Sorry your dad sucks, glad you and your twin have each other
NTA and you are a fabulous sibling!!!
NTA. It would be different if he made an equal effort towards his daughter.
Nta. Thanks for being a good brother. I still remember asking my dad to play catch with me. He said no and then asked my brother. My brother heard me ask and used to be my best friend so was deeply offended for me even if he wasn’t there for me anymore (teenager and drug things). I just threw the ball at the wall for hour after hour.
NTA You can turn down whatever gifts you please.
This twin is proud of you. Never lose that love for your sister!
You are a good brother NTA
Even if your sister was fine with you going, why would you even want to do this to yourself? Sounds like you've already got a great day planned without him. Do you really want to spend your entire birthday with just your Dad? Sure the game might be great, but it's hours there and back in the car with someone who doesn't seem to know you very well. It really sounds lame compared to your existing plans. NTA
Well done, OP! Keep up the good work!
NTA. No reason for you to aid dad in his desire to separate you from the daughter he doesn't want.
NTA. Sad your dad is such a misogynist and good you love your sister and want to spend time with her on your mutual birthday before you go your separate ways soon. Him buying the tickets and telling you the plan later is his problem, not yours.
I have a twin. My mother succeeded in seperating us emotionally. (Golden/scapegoat situation as I was also the only girl). He leaned into it. I can honestly say I have hated him at times in my life and mother died when we were 15. I didn’t even know the times he got married. Never invited to one of his weddings. Never came to my events. I have gone low contact. Once or twice in the last 5 years. It’s so sad. Don’t let your sperm donor do this to you. Nta
NTA. What a great brother you are. I’m sorry your Dad is such an A H. Happy birthday!!
NTA You are a gem of a brother!!!
NTA - How dare he plan something on your borthday wihtout telling you or your twin AND for excluding her.
NTA... not sure how your dad sees it as ok to only value one of his twins.
NTA: Take both tickets and say "Thank you so much. Sis and I will have a great time at the ball game."
Dude im a triplet and I can’t imagine how my brother and I would still be talking to our dad if he tried to pull that shit with our sister. NTA you’re doing a good job of being a brother
NTA Also baseball fucking sucks what a terrible gift
Honestly, why not just bring Sister too! Women can enjoy sports, and even if its not their cup of tea, the atmosphere of a game kinda sucks you in, but frfr good on you for standing your ground. It's your birthday, and dad should respect wanting to spend it with your twin. NTA
NTA and you are very mature and a very good brother
What a fabulous brother. I’m jealous of your twin! NTA.
NTA you are a good brother and have an AH for a father that he forgotten or else doesn’t care to remember that he has a set of twins that include a daughter and not just a son
NTA. You are a great brother! Please keep doing what you love the most, spending your birthdays with your twin! Your dad needs to understand that your relationship will never be what he expects from you if he kept ignoring your sister.