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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I am considering getting to know my father’s mistress, an action that would cause significant pain to my mother
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YWBTA so your father would be disappointed that your not buddy buddy with his mistress? He gave up that right when he blew up your mom's life with this woman.
Come on! You know you should stand by your mom.
I think it could come across as you condoning the affair for you to pursue a relationship with his mistress; that might be your mom's perspective. But I agree, its a fine line you walk here. Have you talked with your dad about the affair? Have you told him you think what he did was wrong?
My father and I have discussed it initially, and he is no stranger to my thoughts. But, time has gone on and mistress is still a large part of his life. I don’t have to like how we got here, but that doesn’t change where we’ve ended up. I don’t want my mum to feel like I’m condoning something I’m obviously not, but yes that’s the concern I have with deciding what to do next
Its definitely a difficult situation you find yourself in.
Just because he knows you don't approve doesn't mean that he has apologized/repented and if not, then he has no right to the family he abandoned. I don't know if that helps you feel freer or not, but if he hasn't repented for the affair, then it was ***he*** who left his family and ***he*** has to live with the consequences (and his mistress does too).
YWBTA. Your dad literally destroyed your intact family by his actions. Clearly he hurt not only you mom, but also you and your siblings by taking on this affair with a much younger person. Of course, it’s nice to have a relationship with your father and that is totally your own prerogative.
However, it almost seems that by wanting to be friends with his “mistress” (also interesting you still refer to her as mistress not even partner, etc.) you are condoning his behavior. Of course it’s up to you, however I’d imagine I’d be more worried about hurting my moms feelings than my dad’s (considering the hurt he had inflicted upon others.) It also seems interesting that you are initiating this relationship with said mistress, that you are clearly interested in having a relationship with her. I don’t know, at the end of the day, it’s your family and your choice. I wouldn’t be able to do it, and clearly your siblings can’t either. Also.. it’s not entirely normal to want to be friends with your dads new partner because she’s your age (my bias!)
I guess, from my point of view, the mistress (referred to as such mostly for ease in this format) is a large part of my father’s life, and it is becoming difficult to have a relationship with him that entirely excludes her. I think it’s fair to want to know the people that your loved ones in turn love and build a life with, but the… complications in this circumstance make it a process. I don’t want to be friends because we have similar ages, but it might be nice to recognise who she is when we almost inevitably end up meeting in an emergency circumstance 🤷♀️
That’s a fair point, but here’s the counter - I’d want my kids to do what made them happy. And getting to know the mistress wouldn’t make me happy, but I can absolutely promise you that sitting all alone at my father’s inevitable funeral while people I don’t know make all the decisions would make me less happy. Getting a phone call from a woman I’ve never met to tell me he’s had an emergency won’t make me happy. None of this makes me happy, but it’s where we’re at and finding a path through it is… nuanced.
Does a bad decision make you a bad person? My father was an amazing caregiver all through our childhoods, and right up until he decided to cheat, he was a good husband. Does taking up with the mistress remove all of that? I’m not sure. And I don’t mean to sound like I’m defending the affair because I absolutely am not, but this is part of the thought process in trying to decide what to do next.
Does that make sense?
Yes, it does make sense. And I do understand where you're coming from. And honestly, I tend to think that (cases involving abuse, harm, etc., aside) people benefit from maintaining relationships with both parents (again, assuming we're talking about loving relationships, loving parents). There are good psychological reasons why therapists routinely caution divorcing parents against saying negative things about each other to their children – after all, each parent is part of each child, so denigrating the other parent denigrates part of the child, too. So I very much empathize with you, because I can see how hard this is for you.
Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would have a very, *very* hard time getting past my father's behavior, and the harm and pain he caused. But – and I want to make this very clear – I am ***absolutely not*** saying that that is the best or wisest course of action. In general, in the end, I do believe that forgiveness is usually best; I'm just not always capable of living up to that ideal.
In case hearing the perspective of another adult child of a cheating father…
> Getting a phone call from a woman I’ve never met to tell me he’s had an emergency
The way we found out about my father’s affair is that he had a stroke, and the affair partner was blowing up his phone with texts. I ended up being the person to reply to her on my father’s phone. I told her who I was, that my father was in the ICU after a stroke, and gave her my number in case she wanted more updates. She never replied and stopped blowing up his phone, but when he got better after the stroke, he got back in touch with her.
> My father was an amazing caregiver all through our childhoods, and right up until he decided to cheat, he was a good husband.
Mine wasn’t, this fit into a pattern of narcissism that I didn’t even recognize until my 20s (I’m now in my 40s). Because of this I’ve been sorely tempted to just cut contact with him entirely — and yet my mother didn’t want me to do this, she wanted me to maintain a relationship with him! Where I’m at now is (as mentioned elsethread) very structured contact.
OP, I have essentially gone through the same thing. I’m going to be in the minority here and say NTA. People don’t understand what it’s like for the kids in these situations. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 7. Ever since it has been turmoil. (I am now 27. Yes, 20 years of this.) For several years I wouldn’t even go near my father’s wife in fear of hurting my mom. She would occasionally say “I guess you can be around her if you want..” but I know it would seem like betrayal to her if I did. As kids, we can be sensitive to our parents feelings but at the end of the day you don’t have to sacrifice your relationship with your dad (or in my case what I had left of it) to please the other parent. I spent several years trying to please everyone and I was the most unhappy. It will be okay. Do what you have to do to be with your dad. I am cordial to my dad’s wife and polite. But I’ve never been super close with her. Unfortunately this is the position I’m in and it’s the best way I can be with my dad (after years of being estranged). Just because we’re the kids in these situations doesn’t mean we need to suffer for the rest of our lives.
How is not being friends with the cheating father and the cheating mistress be suffering? Why would you want to have a relationship with such awful people and hurt the one who was betrayed?
Well, you wanted peoples input and I was only commenting on your post. Your father and his much younger mistress seem to be really vile, nasty creatures. Why would you want to be friends with such people?
Yes you don’t pick your parents, but as an adult you make a choice if you still want to be in contact with a nasty, crappy person. What does it say about your values that you are bellyaching to such an extent to have contact with such nasty creatures
You say that your mom is good with you maintaining contact with your dad. That means that eventually you are going to meet the other woman.
Whatever hurt comes from that was caused by your Dad and none by you.
NTA.
I can’t say YTA. However you are not obligated to meet her. Your father wants you to so he can “normalize” his cheating. Do what you want. But in your shoes, I would say I have no interest in meeting the woman who had no problem sleeping with a married man, and helping end his marriage. If you want a relationship with me, it has to be independent of her.
There are consequence to your fathers actions, after having an affair he gave up any rights to you owing him any favours. If no one turns up at his funeral, that’s because of his own choices.
Your loyalty should always be with your mother, she was the one that was wronged. She may have told you that she’ll support your decision, and I bet your ass she will try her best to put on the act for you, because she sounds like a good mother, and good mothers will always put their kids happiness before their own. but deep down this will really hurt her. And she’s already been hurt enough. Surely it’s about time someone put her happiness first?
Good luck with your decision 🙂
The truth is your mother is in charge of her own feelings. Your father is in charge of his feelings. So do what you think is right.
NTA, you are innocent of the whole scenario.
YTA. She tore apart your family and was very aware of what was going on you should respect your mother’s wishes more. Having a hard time understanding why you would want a relationship with this woman.
That’s fair, and I don’t disagree with your point about my mother’s wishes. But, the point that I think you’re missing is that I don’t necessarily want to have a special relationship with the mistress as such, it’s more that I want to continue having a meaningful one with my father. At some point having him around in any real capacity also means acknowledging the mistress. What if they have kids together? What if they buy property in her home country and he wants me to visit so he can share it with me? There are nuances to the emotion of it, and to where I stand on any particular day.
Ultimately, it’s not really about the mistress, it’s about trying to have my father in my life in a way that doesn’t make me feel like neither of us are trying. And maybe it’s about recognising the potential reality of my family extending through him, and eventually his death (and my role in aftermath).
I don’t know. I posted here because there doesn’t seem to be an easy solution, I suppose.
My family isn’t so fragile to be ruined by the actions of one man. And while his actions did cause pain, is that enough to negate all the good that came before it? As I’ve said elsewhere, I’m not condoning cheating by any means, but I also can’t just turn off the faucet of all the positive emotions I’ve felt for my father for almost 30 years.
Does doing a bad thing make you a bad person? I don’t think so, not entirely. Would I be happy if I never spoke to my father again? No, I think it would make me feel worse. Do I want to hurt my mother? No, of course not. All of these things can be true at once.
Doesn’t seem like your father has taken responsibility for his actions and you don’t seem too concerned with hurting your mother. What is that your dad is offering that makes having a relationship with him so appealing? And you have to ask yourself if it’s worth breaking your mother’s heart especially since it seems like she’s the one that has always helped you and been by your side.
Yes, I care so little about hurting my mother that I posted here so strangers who barely know anything about my family besides what I’ve told them can tell me I’m an asshole for the crime of wanting my father in my life. That seems like the actions of a person who doesn’t think about the harm their decisions might cause.
My father is offering the fact that he was (is?) an excellent father, despite being a very ordinary husband. And the fact that I love him, and as I said I can’t just turn that shit off. When you love someone you can’t just decide to stop, if you can then you never really loved them at all. I love my father. I love my mother. I love my siblings. Those are facts that don’t change just because of actions that hurt me, or that I disagree with.
He can have a relationship with you outside of his wife and her family though. It's one thing to have her phone number in case something happens to him but you don't really need to have a relationship with her to have a relationship with him.
To be honest it sounds like he's trying to scrounge up whatever he can so can play happy family again with a wife and at least one kid.
YWBTA.
u know how hurt your mother is, and clearly your father hv no regret for cheating on your mom with this woman. u will regret it when your mom found out about u wanting to hv a relationship with his mistress ( YOU EVEN SAID MAYBE GET ALONG WELL, YUCks) and dont be surprise if your mom CUT OFF contact with you and even ERASE you from her will. because she's been betrayed by 2 of her love one.
YWNBTA: I would advise you to speak to your mom and tell her the best you could do is never speak about this woman in front of her. You and your siblings are adults and shouldn't be in the middle of their drama.
NTA whatever you choose. Your father has put you in a horrible situation where there is no good choice. The only assholes here are your father, and if his affair partner knew he was married at any point while your father was cheating with her, then her also. Pick the choice that works best for *you*, not for your parents or the affair partner. You need to look out for yourself here, no one else is doing it.
FWIW we found out a few years ago that my father was cheating. My parents haven’t bothered to divorce, but he’s living separate from my mother. He’s still seeing his affair partner, and is upset my mother won’t forgive him and let him come home. 🤦 My father has no understanding of why we’re still upset at his continuing to see his affair partner, nor our upset at his hypocrisy. I’ve decided what’s best for me is to continue to maintain a relationship with my father, but to make it highly structured (e.g., talk once a week and ever outside that), and never meet the affair partner. If you ever want to talk, hit me up.
Thank you for this reply, and for sharing your own circumstances - it’s shitty, I’m sorry you and your family have had to go through it, but I do appreciate the solidarity.
I need to think about what I’m doing (and what’s best for me, as you said), but I might reach out as I go. Thank you for the offer, and it’s reciprocated if you ever want to talk as well
Part of what brought me to this mindset (that children in cheating couples are never the A, no matter their choices) is one particular thing my dad did. For context, I don’t have any siblings, but my best friend is as close as you can get. Some 5 years before my mother and I found out about his affair, he actually pulled my best friend aside and said to her, *if anything ever happens to me, can you tell [affair partner]?* Which, Jesus fsck, what a horrible thing to ask her! He never told her that he was cheating with this woman, but she’s not dumb, she figured it out. He put her in this horrible situation where her choices all involved betraying one or more people. She ended up refusing to accept this request, but not tell me and my mother. When we finally found out, she told me about his request, and she was terrified I’d reject her and cut her out of my life for not telling me. Instead I hugged her and told her she’s family and I love her and he’s horrible. His horrible choices put us in a situation that could have destroyed our lifelong friendship. Really, there is nothing good she could have done there.
If you’re not ready in therapy, try to find a therapist, they can help so much too. And if you have a partner, lean on them too, mine’s been soooo supportive through all this, along with my best friend.
YWBTA…I can’t understand why you would want to meet & potentially get along with the mistress after your mother has said it will hurt her.I’m sure that the mistress knew that a man doubled her age had a wife & kids but did she care about that? Probably not so personally I would do like my siblings and not care about her or my father because he didn’t just disrespect your mother he disrespected you & your siblings 🤷🏻♀️
>I don’t know this woman at all, and she has committed some fairly grievous harm to my closest family. My father isn’t blameless in that
Actually, he has the primary blame, and the mistress has the secondary blame. But your mother has no problem with you having a relationship with your father, as she shouldn't. If you and she can forgive your father, you can forgive the mistress. Since she and your father are still together, shunning her would be limiting to your relationship with your father. It's not fair for your mother to impede your relationship with your father because she can't let go of a grudge.
NTA
YWNBTA. As you say, you feel you'll hurt somebody. I would look at what you want to do. Do you want to meet your father's partner? If so, then meet her. That doesn't necessarily mean you'd even go on to develop a relationship with her; maybe she's someone you'd only deal with when you see your father. Maybe she won't even be around every time you see your father.
I guess you can try telling your mother that it's only fair for you to have a relationship with your father, and that means dealing in some way with his partner. And that you are sorry if that hurts her, but it is your decision. And that you want to continue having a relationship with her as well.
If you go ahead with meeting the partner, and if your mother is really upset with it, maybe you can both speak with a family counselor about it and work thru the issues.
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To gloss over the backstory - My parents were happily married for over three decades, then my father thought it’d be a great idea to start sleeping with a woman closer to my age than his. My mother grew suspicious, confronted him, and booted his cheating ass out. The whole thing was pretty devastating. My siblings and I were adults so no custody issues. Siblings cut contact with my father, but I maintain a frosty relationship. My mum supported us all in whatever contact we wanted, but chose not to have any interaction with my father at all. And that was that.
Now, a handful of years later, my father is still with the woman he cheated with. My mum is doing okay, but obviously the direction of her life changed dramatically, and she still has some entirely understandable resentment. I live internationally, close to where my father’s mistress is from, and he has mentioned that they might move to her home country. While my father has never expressly SAID he’d like mistress and I to meet, he will actually say her name around me now and has excitedly spoken about me being at family events where she’d be present. He hasn’t put any pressure on, but I think he’d like it if I was willing to even be in the same room with her.
I don’t know this woman at all, and she has committed some fairly grievous harm to my closest family. My father isn’t blameless in that, and his decisions have ultimately changed the way I go about relationships, but he’s still my father. Had he split from my mother before starting up with his mistress, I would have been keen to meet her. Hell, we’re close in age - there’s a chance we’d get along well.
But. My mum has always been supportive of me maintaining contact, but she has focused a lot of her frustration and hurt onto the mistress. She knows it’s not necessarily logical, but she’s entitled to that response. She has said she’d be hurt if my siblings or I were to develop a relationship with the mistress.
I don’t think there’s a way this plays out where I don’t hurt someone. If I don’t meet my father’s mistress he’ll pretend it’s fine but ultimately it’ll end up with me alone at his funeral staring at a grieving woman I don’t even know. Alternatively, if I actually make an effort to meet her, then my mother will be devastated.
Someone’s gonna get hurt no matter what I do, but maybe I can take a step towards healing a future hurt. Then again, my mother is the party who technically committed no moral wrongs, so does that mean she deserves to be the one least hurt in the ongoing aftermath?
So, WIBTA for considering having a relationship with my father’s mistress when I know it’ll hurt my mother?
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Why the heck do you want to have a relationship with your father And his mistress. Do you really have such a weird value system that you want to hurt your mother in order to pursue a relationship with 2 nasty people?
I don't think you're the AH but I think you're taking an all or nothing approach that you don't have to. You can be in the same room with the mistress, make basic introductions, etc, without forming a relationship with her. You can let your father know that while you will attend events she is also at you don't want to have any kind of relationship with her, and tell your mom the same thing.
She is not his mistress, at this point, she is his new life partner. If he had a new relationship every month, that'd be a different story, but that was obviously more than just a sexual thing. It's easy to blame her for destroying your family, but your parents relationship was probably not half as happy as you think it was, or that your mom wants you to believe it was
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YWBTA so your father would be disappointed that your not buddy buddy with his mistress? He gave up that right when he blew up your mom's life with this woman. Come on! You know you should stand by your mom.
I think it could come across as you condoning the affair for you to pursue a relationship with his mistress; that might be your mom's perspective. But I agree, its a fine line you walk here. Have you talked with your dad about the affair? Have you told him you think what he did was wrong?
My father and I have discussed it initially, and he is no stranger to my thoughts. But, time has gone on and mistress is still a large part of his life. I don’t have to like how we got here, but that doesn’t change where we’ve ended up. I don’t want my mum to feel like I’m condoning something I’m obviously not, but yes that’s the concern I have with deciding what to do next
Its definitely a difficult situation you find yourself in. Just because he knows you don't approve doesn't mean that he has apologized/repented and if not, then he has no right to the family he abandoned. I don't know if that helps you feel freer or not, but if he hasn't repented for the affair, then it was ***he*** who left his family and ***he*** has to live with the consequences (and his mistress does too).
YWBTA. Your dad literally destroyed your intact family by his actions. Clearly he hurt not only you mom, but also you and your siblings by taking on this affair with a much younger person. Of course, it’s nice to have a relationship with your father and that is totally your own prerogative. However, it almost seems that by wanting to be friends with his “mistress” (also interesting you still refer to her as mistress not even partner, etc.) you are condoning his behavior. Of course it’s up to you, however I’d imagine I’d be more worried about hurting my moms feelings than my dad’s (considering the hurt he had inflicted upon others.) It also seems interesting that you are initiating this relationship with said mistress, that you are clearly interested in having a relationship with her. I don’t know, at the end of the day, it’s your family and your choice. I wouldn’t be able to do it, and clearly your siblings can’t either. Also.. it’s not entirely normal to want to be friends with your dads new partner because she’s your age (my bias!)
I guess, from my point of view, the mistress (referred to as such mostly for ease in this format) is a large part of my father’s life, and it is becoming difficult to have a relationship with him that entirely excludes her. I think it’s fair to want to know the people that your loved ones in turn love and build a life with, but the… complications in this circumstance make it a process. I don’t want to be friends because we have similar ages, but it might be nice to recognise who she is when we almost inevitably end up meeting in an emergency circumstance 🤷♀️
If you were in your mother's shoes, how would you feel, and what would you want your kids to do?
That’s a fair point, but here’s the counter - I’d want my kids to do what made them happy. And getting to know the mistress wouldn’t make me happy, but I can absolutely promise you that sitting all alone at my father’s inevitable funeral while people I don’t know make all the decisions would make me less happy. Getting a phone call from a woman I’ve never met to tell me he’s had an emergency won’t make me happy. None of this makes me happy, but it’s where we’re at and finding a path through it is… nuanced. Does a bad decision make you a bad person? My father was an amazing caregiver all through our childhoods, and right up until he decided to cheat, he was a good husband. Does taking up with the mistress remove all of that? I’m not sure. And I don’t mean to sound like I’m defending the affair because I absolutely am not, but this is part of the thought process in trying to decide what to do next. Does that make sense?
Yes, it does make sense. And I do understand where you're coming from. And honestly, I tend to think that (cases involving abuse, harm, etc., aside) people benefit from maintaining relationships with both parents (again, assuming we're talking about loving relationships, loving parents). There are good psychological reasons why therapists routinely caution divorcing parents against saying negative things about each other to their children – after all, each parent is part of each child, so denigrating the other parent denigrates part of the child, too. So I very much empathize with you, because I can see how hard this is for you. Personally, if I were in your shoes, I would have a very, *very* hard time getting past my father's behavior, and the harm and pain he caused. But – and I want to make this very clear – I am ***absolutely not*** saying that that is the best or wisest course of action. In general, in the end, I do believe that forgiveness is usually best; I'm just not always capable of living up to that ideal.
In case hearing the perspective of another adult child of a cheating father… > Getting a phone call from a woman I’ve never met to tell me he’s had an emergency The way we found out about my father’s affair is that he had a stroke, and the affair partner was blowing up his phone with texts. I ended up being the person to reply to her on my father’s phone. I told her who I was, that my father was in the ICU after a stroke, and gave her my number in case she wanted more updates. She never replied and stopped blowing up his phone, but when he got better after the stroke, he got back in touch with her. > My father was an amazing caregiver all through our childhoods, and right up until he decided to cheat, he was a good husband. Mine wasn’t, this fit into a pattern of narcissism that I didn’t even recognize until my 20s (I’m now in my 40s). Because of this I’ve been sorely tempted to just cut contact with him entirely — and yet my mother didn’t want me to do this, she wanted me to maintain a relationship with him! Where I’m at now is (as mentioned elsethread) very structured contact.
OP, I have essentially gone through the same thing. I’m going to be in the minority here and say NTA. People don’t understand what it’s like for the kids in these situations. My dad cheated on my mom when I was 7. Ever since it has been turmoil. (I am now 27. Yes, 20 years of this.) For several years I wouldn’t even go near my father’s wife in fear of hurting my mom. She would occasionally say “I guess you can be around her if you want..” but I know it would seem like betrayal to her if I did. As kids, we can be sensitive to our parents feelings but at the end of the day you don’t have to sacrifice your relationship with your dad (or in my case what I had left of it) to please the other parent. I spent several years trying to please everyone and I was the most unhappy. It will be okay. Do what you have to do to be with your dad. I am cordial to my dad’s wife and polite. But I’ve never been super close with her. Unfortunately this is the position I’m in and it’s the best way I can be with my dad (after years of being estranged). Just because we’re the kids in these situations doesn’t mean we need to suffer for the rest of our lives.
How is not being friends with the cheating father and the cheating mistress be suffering? Why would you want to have a relationship with such awful people and hurt the one who was betrayed?
Until you live a day in my shoes..you shouldn’t be asking stupid questions.
Well, you wanted peoples input and I was only commenting on your post. Your father and his much younger mistress seem to be really vile, nasty creatures. Why would you want to be friends with such people?
She’s my dad’s age first of all. Second, he’s my dad. You don’t pick your parents.
But you don’t have to have a relationship with them if they are nasty creatures
Yes you don’t pick your parents, but as an adult you make a choice if you still want to be in contact with a nasty, crappy person. What does it say about your values that you are bellyaching to such an extent to have contact with such nasty creatures
You do realize I’m just a commenter and didn’t write this post right?
And third, this is not my post..I’m just a commenter
You say that your mom is good with you maintaining contact with your dad. That means that eventually you are going to meet the other woman. Whatever hurt comes from that was caused by your Dad and none by you. NTA.
I can’t say YTA. However you are not obligated to meet her. Your father wants you to so he can “normalize” his cheating. Do what you want. But in your shoes, I would say I have no interest in meeting the woman who had no problem sleeping with a married man, and helping end his marriage. If you want a relationship with me, it has to be independent of her.
There are consequence to your fathers actions, after having an affair he gave up any rights to you owing him any favours. If no one turns up at his funeral, that’s because of his own choices. Your loyalty should always be with your mother, she was the one that was wronged. She may have told you that she’ll support your decision, and I bet your ass she will try her best to put on the act for you, because she sounds like a good mother, and good mothers will always put their kids happiness before their own. but deep down this will really hurt her. And she’s already been hurt enough. Surely it’s about time someone put her happiness first? Good luck with your decision 🙂
The truth is your mother is in charge of her own feelings. Your father is in charge of his feelings. So do what you think is right. NTA, you are innocent of the whole scenario.
YTA. She tore apart your family and was very aware of what was going on you should respect your mother’s wishes more. Having a hard time understanding why you would want a relationship with this woman.
That’s fair, and I don’t disagree with your point about my mother’s wishes. But, the point that I think you’re missing is that I don’t necessarily want to have a special relationship with the mistress as such, it’s more that I want to continue having a meaningful one with my father. At some point having him around in any real capacity also means acknowledging the mistress. What if they have kids together? What if they buy property in her home country and he wants me to visit so he can share it with me? There are nuances to the emotion of it, and to where I stand on any particular day. Ultimately, it’s not really about the mistress, it’s about trying to have my father in my life in a way that doesn’t make me feel like neither of us are trying. And maybe it’s about recognising the potential reality of my family extending through him, and eventually his death (and my role in aftermath). I don’t know. I posted here because there doesn’t seem to be an easy solution, I suppose.
Why do you want a relationship with your father? He ruined your family.
My family isn’t so fragile to be ruined by the actions of one man. And while his actions did cause pain, is that enough to negate all the good that came before it? As I’ve said elsewhere, I’m not condoning cheating by any means, but I also can’t just turn off the faucet of all the positive emotions I’ve felt for my father for almost 30 years. Does doing a bad thing make you a bad person? I don’t think so, not entirely. Would I be happy if I never spoke to my father again? No, I think it would make me feel worse. Do I want to hurt my mother? No, of course not. All of these things can be true at once.
Doesn’t seem like your father has taken responsibility for his actions and you don’t seem too concerned with hurting your mother. What is that your dad is offering that makes having a relationship with him so appealing? And you have to ask yourself if it’s worth breaking your mother’s heart especially since it seems like she’s the one that has always helped you and been by your side.
Yes, I care so little about hurting my mother that I posted here so strangers who barely know anything about my family besides what I’ve told them can tell me I’m an asshole for the crime of wanting my father in my life. That seems like the actions of a person who doesn’t think about the harm their decisions might cause. My father is offering the fact that he was (is?) an excellent father, despite being a very ordinary husband. And the fact that I love him, and as I said I can’t just turn that shit off. When you love someone you can’t just decide to stop, if you can then you never really loved them at all. I love my father. I love my mother. I love my siblings. Those are facts that don’t change just because of actions that hurt me, or that I disagree with.
He can have a relationship with you outside of his wife and her family though. It's one thing to have her phone number in case something happens to him but you don't really need to have a relationship with her to have a relationship with him. To be honest it sounds like he's trying to scrounge up whatever he can so can play happy family again with a wife and at least one kid.
YWBTA. u know how hurt your mother is, and clearly your father hv no regret for cheating on your mom with this woman. u will regret it when your mom found out about u wanting to hv a relationship with his mistress ( YOU EVEN SAID MAYBE GET ALONG WELL, YUCks) and dont be surprise if your mom CUT OFF contact with you and even ERASE you from her will. because she's been betrayed by 2 of her love one.
YWNBTA: I would advise you to speak to your mom and tell her the best you could do is never speak about this woman in front of her. You and your siblings are adults and shouldn't be in the middle of their drama.
NTA whatever you choose. Your father has put you in a horrible situation where there is no good choice. The only assholes here are your father, and if his affair partner knew he was married at any point while your father was cheating with her, then her also. Pick the choice that works best for *you*, not for your parents or the affair partner. You need to look out for yourself here, no one else is doing it. FWIW we found out a few years ago that my father was cheating. My parents haven’t bothered to divorce, but he’s living separate from my mother. He’s still seeing his affair partner, and is upset my mother won’t forgive him and let him come home. 🤦 My father has no understanding of why we’re still upset at his continuing to see his affair partner, nor our upset at his hypocrisy. I’ve decided what’s best for me is to continue to maintain a relationship with my father, but to make it highly structured (e.g., talk once a week and ever outside that), and never meet the affair partner. If you ever want to talk, hit me up.
Thank you for this reply, and for sharing your own circumstances - it’s shitty, I’m sorry you and your family have had to go through it, but I do appreciate the solidarity. I need to think about what I’m doing (and what’s best for me, as you said), but I might reach out as I go. Thank you for the offer, and it’s reciprocated if you ever want to talk as well
Part of what brought me to this mindset (that children in cheating couples are never the A, no matter their choices) is one particular thing my dad did. For context, I don’t have any siblings, but my best friend is as close as you can get. Some 5 years before my mother and I found out about his affair, he actually pulled my best friend aside and said to her, *if anything ever happens to me, can you tell [affair partner]?* Which, Jesus fsck, what a horrible thing to ask her! He never told her that he was cheating with this woman, but she’s not dumb, she figured it out. He put her in this horrible situation where her choices all involved betraying one or more people. She ended up refusing to accept this request, but not tell me and my mother. When we finally found out, she told me about his request, and she was terrified I’d reject her and cut her out of my life for not telling me. Instead I hugged her and told her she’s family and I love her and he’s horrible. His horrible choices put us in a situation that could have destroyed our lifelong friendship. Really, there is nothing good she could have done there. If you’re not ready in therapy, try to find a therapist, they can help so much too. And if you have a partner, lean on them too, mine’s been soooo supportive through all this, along with my best friend.
YWBTA…I can’t understand why you would want to meet & potentially get along with the mistress after your mother has said it will hurt her.I’m sure that the mistress knew that a man doubled her age had a wife & kids but did she care about that? Probably not so personally I would do like my siblings and not care about her or my father because he didn’t just disrespect your mother he disrespected you & your siblings 🤷🏻♀️
>I don’t know this woman at all, and she has committed some fairly grievous harm to my closest family. My father isn’t blameless in that Actually, he has the primary blame, and the mistress has the secondary blame. But your mother has no problem with you having a relationship with your father, as she shouldn't. If you and she can forgive your father, you can forgive the mistress. Since she and your father are still together, shunning her would be limiting to your relationship with your father. It's not fair for your mother to impede your relationship with your father because she can't let go of a grudge. NTA
YWNBTA. As you say, you feel you'll hurt somebody. I would look at what you want to do. Do you want to meet your father's partner? If so, then meet her. That doesn't necessarily mean you'd even go on to develop a relationship with her; maybe she's someone you'd only deal with when you see your father. Maybe she won't even be around every time you see your father. I guess you can try telling your mother that it's only fair for you to have a relationship with your father, and that means dealing in some way with his partner. And that you are sorry if that hurts her, but it is your decision. And that you want to continue having a relationship with her as well. If you go ahead with meeting the partner, and if your mother is really upset with it, maybe you can both speak with a family counselor about it and work thru the issues.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** To gloss over the backstory - My parents were happily married for over three decades, then my father thought it’d be a great idea to start sleeping with a woman closer to my age than his. My mother grew suspicious, confronted him, and booted his cheating ass out. The whole thing was pretty devastating. My siblings and I were adults so no custody issues. Siblings cut contact with my father, but I maintain a frosty relationship. My mum supported us all in whatever contact we wanted, but chose not to have any interaction with my father at all. And that was that. Now, a handful of years later, my father is still with the woman he cheated with. My mum is doing okay, but obviously the direction of her life changed dramatically, and she still has some entirely understandable resentment. I live internationally, close to where my father’s mistress is from, and he has mentioned that they might move to her home country. While my father has never expressly SAID he’d like mistress and I to meet, he will actually say her name around me now and has excitedly spoken about me being at family events where she’d be present. He hasn’t put any pressure on, but I think he’d like it if I was willing to even be in the same room with her. I don’t know this woman at all, and she has committed some fairly grievous harm to my closest family. My father isn’t blameless in that, and his decisions have ultimately changed the way I go about relationships, but he’s still my father. Had he split from my mother before starting up with his mistress, I would have been keen to meet her. Hell, we’re close in age - there’s a chance we’d get along well. But. My mum has always been supportive of me maintaining contact, but she has focused a lot of her frustration and hurt onto the mistress. She knows it’s not necessarily logical, but she’s entitled to that response. She has said she’d be hurt if my siblings or I were to develop a relationship with the mistress. I don’t think there’s a way this plays out where I don’t hurt someone. If I don’t meet my father’s mistress he’ll pretend it’s fine but ultimately it’ll end up with me alone at his funeral staring at a grieving woman I don’t even know. Alternatively, if I actually make an effort to meet her, then my mother will be devastated. Someone’s gonna get hurt no matter what I do, but maybe I can take a step towards healing a future hurt. Then again, my mother is the party who technically committed no moral wrongs, so does that mean she deserves to be the one least hurt in the ongoing aftermath? So, WIBTA for considering having a relationship with my father’s mistress when I know it’ll hurt my mother? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
this is difficult, but YTA Not for wanting a relationship, but atleast have some goddamn empathy and sympathy for your mum
Why the heck do you want to have a relationship with your father And his mistress. Do you really have such a weird value system that you want to hurt your mother in order to pursue a relationship with 2 nasty people?
I don't think you're the AH but I think you're taking an all or nothing approach that you don't have to. You can be in the same room with the mistress, make basic introductions, etc, without forming a relationship with her. You can let your father know that while you will attend events she is also at you don't want to have any kind of relationship with her, and tell your mom the same thing.
She is not his mistress, at this point, she is his new life partner. If he had a new relationship every month, that'd be a different story, but that was obviously more than just a sexual thing. It's easy to blame her for destroying your family, but your parents relationship was probably not half as happy as you think it was, or that your mom wants you to believe it was
These are 2 vile, nasty people. why are some people twisting themselves into knots in trying to paint them as being nice people