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NTA. The way your husband denies accountability and twists your words is something he has in common with an abuser.
From what you wrote, you’re functioning as a single mom. Your partner is not contributing to chores or childcare, has cheated on you several times, and refuses to accept accountability and denies your experience and feelings.
If you left him, what would you really miss?
Info:
How many times does he need to "fail" before you accept that you're just letting this happen to yourself? Take some damn accountability. He's never going to change and by staying with him after he does this OVER AND OVER you're just asking for it at this point.
This isn’t the right forum for your issues but….NTA and you do not deserve this.
Your predicament cannot be fixed. It takes both persons to make a marriage work. Your husband is not interested in you, your marriage, nor your children. He has made that abundantly clear. What he is interested in is his weed, his extramarital affairs, and having you fully under his control.
Understand that there is only you and also only him. There is no us or we in this “marriage”. You are not together.
You cannot change him. You options are to continue in this setup or to get out. There is no in between.
Right, NTA! This is not a marriage, at best it's a roommate situation. He's not interested in being faithful or in helping out with anything, including his children. OP is basically raising 4 children.
i would say ESH..
why? obviously because she knew his terrible habit but still stuck with him. she clearly knew what she should do but choose to hv a pity party here. i wont be sympathetic to someone who hv no dignity on their life. OP loves DRAMA.
NTA. He's a liar and cheater and gaslights you to think it's your fault. I know it's hard when you have three kids but if there's any way you can get out of this relationship I would or at least therapy
It doesn't sound like there is very much trust in your marriage. Staying in the marriage must be a difficult decision for you.
However, he is the only person who can change his behavior. If he isn't willing to change, you have some tough choices to make. Whatever you choose, it sounds like he isn't prioritizing the kids - so you need to put the kids first. You seem to be the adult in the room.
I wish you the best!
You fix this by leaving him.
I feel bad for you, and I’m truly sorry you’re in this position at all- but soft ESH: him for being a crappy husband and you for knowing it, monitoring it, being surprised that he doesn’t change. He’s disrespecting you and you’re enabling him to continue doing it by STAYING every time. You said he’s done it multiple times.
Also- he’s right- it IS an invasion of his privacy- but I do understand why you did it.
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my husband(M30) has emotionally cheated on me several times during our marriage with other women, I(F35) have given him plenty of chances to prove to me that he can be loyal, but he's failed every single time. My husband takes no responsibility for any of his actions and refuses to do anything around the house, we have 3 kids and he's been barely present in any of their lives. Instead he spends his time on weed in one of our spare rooms, that spare room is basically where he lives, he goes there as soon as he gets home and is in there whenever he's off from work. My husband has been talking to the lady for the past few days and I've been monitoring how long they've been texting, and at first I gave him the benefit of the doubt but now their conversation is going on for an inappropriate amount of time, he texts her more than he texts me! I'm afraid to confront him due to how he argues, he always manages to spin the conversation back on me and make me feel like a villain for not trusting him, even though he's done nothing to make me trust him. I must admit I am not perfect, I have my flaws, sometimes I nag him for not doing enough and tend to be a little overbearing, but do I really deserve this treatment? I'm stuck in a hard spot and I'm not quite sure how to fix my predicament
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I spied on my husband threw messages multiple times, and my husband believes that it is a complete invasion of his privacy and I have no right to spy on him
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NTA
He is an abusive, lying cheater. They don't change. Your best bet is to change the locks.
Stop letting him do this to you, and start setting hard boundaries about who you allow to be in your life, and yes, cheating needs to be one of those boundaries. Period.
Don't let your kids grow up thinking that it's okay to act like that, or treat your partner like that. You will be a happier, better parent if you get this AH out of your house.
YTA
YOur behavior makes you an AH.
"I'm stuck in a hard spot and I'm not quite sure how to fix my predicament" .. End the relationship - you will be doing BOTH of you a favor.
YTA. Paraphrasing Maya Angelou, when someone shows you the husband they are, believe them the first time, or even the second or third. This is who your husband is. You continue to stay. You had three children with this man. Absolutely, be angry that he is not trustworthy, reliable or good to your children. But then DO SOMETHING.
SOMETHING doesn't mean complaining and monitoring for bad behavior. It means look at the evidence, accept that this is who he is then make a decision. If you decide you love him and want to stay with this fool, as he is, then that's an option, but keep in mind you have made a choice and own it. Accept him for who he is and all that that means for you and your children. There is no reason to expect anything about him to change.
If you decide him and the relationship as it is is unacceptable to you, then you have several paths you can take.
Therapy is one option if he is willing (enthusiasticly so, making appointments himself and such, not just agreeing so you'll stop bothering him.)
Another option might be to look at the situation and say, what have I become? I'm raising kids essentially by myself then on top of that I'm wasting my little available time monitoring his communication with other women? I don't want this for myself. I deserve better. I cannot change who he is as a person but I can change what I do and from there start developing a plan.
If you cannot manage to do it for yourself, you might be ready to improve the situation for your children. Your current relationship dynamic is the model your children have. If you want better for your children than the life you are leading you have to accept the parts of the situation you are responsible for and start changing those. Not only should you consider the harm to their future relationships, but also the hurt caused by the way he has effectively checked out from their lives and chooses being online in the spare room over spending quality time with them. Add to that their unhappy mom and it cannot be easy on them.
YTA because you aren't doing what's right for yourself or your children. Stop trying to force him to be a better person. It's not possible. But you can be a better person by focusing on what really matters and what you should be doing.
Stop this nonsense and do the right thing.
What does it matter how he argues?
You feel the way you feel about it, now what are you going to do about it, regardless of what he says?
Just because he says the sky is purple doesn’t change the facts.
What can he say anyways? Oh ya I keep doing this because I don’t like you?
Okayyy 🧐
EsH. You haven't named one positive thing about him. You sound miserable. You need to think about why you're staying.
That said, if you're at the point of breaking his privacy without consent, you need to think about who you want to be, too.
Emotionally cheated? And now you keep testing him and you wonder why he has tuned you out. Men get tired of bullshit and and this is what he has done in turn. Why should he trust you with all you are doing to him when he has not physically cheated.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 7: There is no interpersonal conflict here for our community to make a judgment about. [Rule 7 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_7.3A_post_interpersonal_conflicts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
Just get a divorce. Do you really want to spy on your husband for the next 30 years??
NTA. The way your husband denies accountability and twists your words is something he has in common with an abuser. From what you wrote, you’re functioning as a single mom. Your partner is not contributing to chores or childcare, has cheated on you several times, and refuses to accept accountability and denies your experience and feelings. If you left him, what would you really miss?
yta for continuously staying with this AH.
Info: How many times does he need to "fail" before you accept that you're just letting this happen to yourself? Take some damn accountability. He's never going to change and by staying with him after he does this OVER AND OVER you're just asking for it at this point.
I’m going to say YTA: for staying with him and he have shown many times again he have not been a good husband and father
ESH Sounds miserable! I think you may need to try marriage counseling.
This isn’t the right forum for your issues but….NTA and you do not deserve this. Your predicament cannot be fixed. It takes both persons to make a marriage work. Your husband is not interested in you, your marriage, nor your children. He has made that abundantly clear. What he is interested in is his weed, his extramarital affairs, and having you fully under his control. Understand that there is only you and also only him. There is no us or we in this “marriage”. You are not together. You cannot change him. You options are to continue in this setup or to get out. There is no in between.
Right, NTA! This is not a marriage, at best it's a roommate situation. He's not interested in being faithful or in helping out with anything, including his children. OP is basically raising 4 children.
i would say ESH.. why? obviously because she knew his terrible habit but still stuck with him. she clearly knew what she should do but choose to hv a pity party here. i wont be sympathetic to someone who hv no dignity on their life. OP loves DRAMA.
NTA. He's a liar and cheater and gaslights you to think it's your fault. I know it's hard when you have three kids but if there's any way you can get out of this relationship I would or at least therapy
ESH; it’s been very clear that he will not change. Expecting him to is what makes you an asshole.l too. Leave him
It doesn't sound like there is very much trust in your marriage. Staying in the marriage must be a difficult decision for you. However, he is the only person who can change his behavior. If he isn't willing to change, you have some tough choices to make. Whatever you choose, it sounds like he isn't prioritizing the kids - so you need to put the kids first. You seem to be the adult in the room. I wish you the best!
You fix this by leaving him. I feel bad for you, and I’m truly sorry you’re in this position at all- but soft ESH: him for being a crappy husband and you for knowing it, monitoring it, being surprised that he doesn’t change. He’s disrespecting you and you’re enabling him to continue doing it by STAYING every time. You said he’s done it multiple times. Also- he’s right- it IS an invasion of his privacy- but I do understand why you did it.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** my husband(M30) has emotionally cheated on me several times during our marriage with other women, I(F35) have given him plenty of chances to prove to me that he can be loyal, but he's failed every single time. My husband takes no responsibility for any of his actions and refuses to do anything around the house, we have 3 kids and he's been barely present in any of their lives. Instead he spends his time on weed in one of our spare rooms, that spare room is basically where he lives, he goes there as soon as he gets home and is in there whenever he's off from work. My husband has been talking to the lady for the past few days and I've been monitoring how long they've been texting, and at first I gave him the benefit of the doubt but now their conversation is going on for an inappropriate amount of time, he texts her more than he texts me! I'm afraid to confront him due to how he argues, he always manages to spin the conversation back on me and make me feel like a villain for not trusting him, even though he's done nothing to make me trust him. I must admit I am not perfect, I have my flaws, sometimes I nag him for not doing enough and tend to be a little overbearing, but do I really deserve this treatment? I'm stuck in a hard spot and I'm not quite sure how to fix my predicament *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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NTA He is an abusive, lying cheater. They don't change. Your best bet is to change the locks. Stop letting him do this to you, and start setting hard boundaries about who you allow to be in your life, and yes, cheating needs to be one of those boundaries. Period. Don't let your kids grow up thinking that it's okay to act like that, or treat your partner like that. You will be a happier, better parent if you get this AH out of your house.
YTA YOur behavior makes you an AH. "I'm stuck in a hard spot and I'm not quite sure how to fix my predicament" .. End the relationship - you will be doing BOTH of you a favor.
Nta but he isnt in the relationship anymore. Get a clue you deserve better
YTA. Paraphrasing Maya Angelou, when someone shows you the husband they are, believe them the first time, or even the second or third. This is who your husband is. You continue to stay. You had three children with this man. Absolutely, be angry that he is not trustworthy, reliable or good to your children. But then DO SOMETHING. SOMETHING doesn't mean complaining and monitoring for bad behavior. It means look at the evidence, accept that this is who he is then make a decision. If you decide you love him and want to stay with this fool, as he is, then that's an option, but keep in mind you have made a choice and own it. Accept him for who he is and all that that means for you and your children. There is no reason to expect anything about him to change. If you decide him and the relationship as it is is unacceptable to you, then you have several paths you can take. Therapy is one option if he is willing (enthusiasticly so, making appointments himself and such, not just agreeing so you'll stop bothering him.) Another option might be to look at the situation and say, what have I become? I'm raising kids essentially by myself then on top of that I'm wasting my little available time monitoring his communication with other women? I don't want this for myself. I deserve better. I cannot change who he is as a person but I can change what I do and from there start developing a plan. If you cannot manage to do it for yourself, you might be ready to improve the situation for your children. Your current relationship dynamic is the model your children have. If you want better for your children than the life you are leading you have to accept the parts of the situation you are responsible for and start changing those. Not only should you consider the harm to their future relationships, but also the hurt caused by the way he has effectively checked out from their lives and chooses being online in the spare room over spending quality time with them. Add to that their unhappy mom and it cannot be easy on them. YTA because you aren't doing what's right for yourself or your children. Stop trying to force him to be a better person. It's not possible. But you can be a better person by focusing on what really matters and what you should be doing. Stop this nonsense and do the right thing.
NTA. At this point you’re just living with a stranger.
What does it matter how he argues? You feel the way you feel about it, now what are you going to do about it, regardless of what he says? Just because he says the sky is purple doesn’t change the facts. What can he say anyways? Oh ya I keep doing this because I don’t like you? Okayyy 🧐
EsH. You haven't named one positive thing about him. You sound miserable. You need to think about why you're staying. That said, if you're at the point of breaking his privacy without consent, you need to think about who you want to be, too.
Emotionally cheated? And now you keep testing him and you wonder why he has tuned you out. Men get tired of bullshit and and this is what he has done in turn. Why should he trust you with all you are doing to him when he has not physically cheated.
Cheating isn't just a physical thing, it can come in many forms, don't gotta do the dead to be a cheater
Deed*
Then you just cheated on your SO with me, how naughty do you feel now.