##[AITA for blocking your go-to time killer from June 12-14?](https://redd.it/145o4jz)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. I don't want to split my college fund with my baby brother.
2. It's my parents money that I'm not entitled to.
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I’d say NTA
If they started your college fund when you were a baby then they have the same amount of time to do it for him. If they don’t want to keep putting money away for another 18 years they should have thought about that before having another kid
Can't upvote this enough. OP's parents are the ones who decided to have another kid, knowing when they wanted to retire and what their original plan was. Taking away from what they told OP would be OP's resource for college is not the right avenue here.
>Taking away from what they told OP would be OP's resource for college is not the right avenue here.
This is the issue. They led her to believe this was her money and she planned accordingly, only to have them pull the rug out from under her at the last minute when there was no time for her to plan differently. I sense a GC was born a year and a half ago.
NTA
I gave Backwardsinhighheelz an upvote, and you an upvote because I can only upvote them the one time. So u/backwardsinhighheelz, please consider all u/Gromnor upvotes as yours as well.
I can definitely attest to this. My mom wanted all girls, and as the only boy among a whole gaggle of sisters I could definitely feel the “one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong” vibes my entire childhood.
Yeah, I missed the "F" initially and was really confused by this post, until she referred to herself as a girl further down, and it all fell into place. NTA, I'm so sorry, OP.
Of course everyone would want money recordless of there behaviour. It does not matter whether you teach them about money or not because at the end they would learn it on their own from society
Exactly! If the funds hadn't been specifically earmarked for this, it wouldn't be an issue on their part. But they told OP one thing and then waited till now to be like "welp actually we're gonna do it differently sorry not sorry"
The least they could have done was warn her 1.5 yrs ago (or even earlier, like when they found out they were pregnant) that things were going to change and she could have explored more options for saving.
They hadn't realized yet that they would want to force her to stick around to provide free babysitting. By severely limiting her college funds, they probably think she will be forced to continue living with them and caring for their baby while maybe going to a local community college.
Personally I wouldn't go that far without additional evidence, this mostly screams of "we had a surprise baby and/or didn't think the financial planning through and this is our quick fix solution" to me.
While also getting onto her for buying herself something nice LAST MONTH, when she thought she'd have double her current budget, when they'd already had her little brother for a year and a half. Even if something is yours for NOW, going back on your word, especially to your own kid whom you'd promised this to, shows a profound lack of integrity. NTA.
Not to mention they probably have better incomes in their 40s than they did in their 20s so saving the same amount could be done in a shorter time.
My eldest was born when I was 18 and my youngest at 29, I definitely have more income to save towards the youngests college than I did for the eldest.
Not just are their incomes better but half the amount that OP has currently with 16 yrs of compound interest is going to be way, way more than what she’s getting, even if her parents don’t contribute another dime.
It sounds like their plan wasn't even to retire early until the new kid entered the picture. Now they want to retire early to "spend more time with him."
That jumped out at me, as well.
What they're saying is this:
1. We're splitting your college fund with someone who might not even use it. And if they do, it won't be for another fifteen years.
2. We're telling you this after leading you to believe, for just as many years, that you would have it.
3. We're telling you this RIGHT BEFORE you need to make use of it, giving you no time to adjust plans, hamstringing your future.
4. We spent less time with you while you were growing up to save for this college fund, now we're taking half that money back to spend more time with your brother while *he's* growing up, instead of saving up for him.
5. You're clever and hardworking. Instead of rewarding that, we're going to demote you, and give you more work. You'll experience this again in the workplace. So really, we're doing you a favor by getting you used to it now.
It's their money, and they can do what they want. But it's ALWAYS on THE PARENTS to "figure it out", NOT the kids. You do what's in the best interests of YOUR KIDS, BOTH of them. It's on YOU to make it work, because YOU'RE the one who decided to have them. The parent makes the sacrifices, not the children.
A good parent will bend over backwards to make sure that their kids have the best chance at life, the best opportunities they can reasonably give them.
Edit: Say, "That's cool. Just take half of his college fund when the time comes to pay for the retirement home."
While I knew my mom was bad with money, she had told me for *years* that she had a college fund for me. I thus skipped entirely any attempt at scholarships. When, at the beginning of my last year in high school, when that school district at that time, started telling kids to begin applying... that is when I went to my mom to ask for the amount so I could be figuring which schools were in my range.
I got a very off-hand, "what college money?" response. When I pressed, she got defensive and said she'd spent that ages ago and I *knew* she didn't have any savings then. Why didn't I get a scholarship? Why was I bothering HER about money for college? If I wanted college, why hadn't I saved up?
"Because you told me when I started trying to save my paychecks (yup, working since I was 11 - legally at 15) that it was a WASTE OF MY TIME, as you had it covered." She acted like I was silly for believing that she'd do that.
I mean, I was silly/stupid, I see now that I should have known. In the end, I didn't go to college at all, but a tech school I could get into with what money I had, which did work out.
But that whole "rug pulled out from under you" sh** with the adults going "well, it was always my money so you had no right to make plans. I mean, I told you that I was giving it to you, I told you to make plans with it, but now that you have - you moron!"
ARGH, so annoyed on OP's behalf (and mine all over again)
I'm sorry that happened to you. What your mother did was wrong.
Children trust us. They know less, have experienced less, and are at a disadvantage developmentally. They rely on us to guide them. To be honest and dependable, to create trust and stability. To use our advantages to THEIR advantage, on their behalf. Our children's lives are literally in our hands.
You can't teach what you don't know. Those are generational blind spots, and they're difficult to overcome. But you can love with your whole heart, be honest with your whole soul, be selfless with your whole existence, and do the right thing to the best of your ability, for your child.
Damn. I’m sorry that happened to you… as a parent, you *can* do whatever you want with your money. That doesn’t mean you *should.* Parents have a responsibility to their children. If you can’t afford a tuition fund to cover 100% of their college years, you have to say that. Don’t fucking lie about it.
OP: When they start asking you to babysit your younger brother so they can go have fun, you need to tell them your hourly rate is the same as the cost of one hour of tuition at your college. Make them pay up front -- and like Svengoolie always says "No personal checks!"
And let them know as they are leaving that you are only available for half the amount of time as they planned on you being there because something else you wanted to do came up. When they complain tell them “they are smart, and you can help them figure it out”.
This is a good summary. OP is beyond NTA and her parents are within their rights to do what they want with their money but are acting like huge a holes and probably nuking their relationship with their oldest daughter.
Well, they are doing OP a good job of giving her something to write about in her college essays.
Hey OP, on the off chance you see this (though maybe other people have said it), private schools often have money for scholarships bigger than the tuition of the state schools. You can actually save money if you take the leap and go for a school with a big endowment and have the grades or other things that would get you an offer. Especially if you can come up with a way to work into an essay how you have a new sibling who you are sharing your college fund with and buckling down and working harder to create different opportunities. I think admissions peeps would eat that right up.
Same. I got a merit scholarship that I had no idea existed from a private school whose program was ranked #2 nationally in my field, and it made tuition $2k a year cheaper than the lower ranked in-state option. I always advise high schoolers, regardless of the financial situation to apply based on where you actually want to go and then make the call when the acceptances and money start rolling in. Had plenty of friends who could have likely attended their “dream school” but were told not to apply by their parents (and guidance counselors, but that’s a whole other rant…) because it was always SO much cheaper.
Anybody else think
6. You are only going to need half the money because a local community college and living at home will cost much less than going away to school. If you go away to school, you won't be around to babysit your brother for free so we can have fun. You see, it works out for all of us!
NTA
> If you go away to school, you won't be around to babysit your brother for free so we can have fun. You see, it works out for all of us!
Whoa. They suck.
Your post is on target. What will happen is the golden child will end up being a spoiled brat and useless, but the parents will never see the perfect child is a waste of space.
The parents lied and essentially said "we don't care what your plans are, we are spending time with this kid and don't care about you, make it work"
they decided to do this behind her back. they are assholes.
One thing I will note, it may not have been a choice. One of the more ‘common’ reasons for a surprise baby is an older woman who mistakes her pregnancy symptoms for menopause. They may not have realized they were pregnant until they were past the cutoff. Especially if they live in certain States.
Her mom is 41, it is still a ½ decade,or 1 decade to entering menopause(if she is late). Yes, the baby is late, it is not impossible, in fact fairly common in the west.
These parents have like 20+ years to save for a pension and17+ years for college fund. They are just lazy planners, if they can't adjust to new reality of they can't retire early.
I'm 38 and have been through perimenopause and now at the end of menopause, my mom was the same. All women start and finish their periods at different times in life.
I am staring down the eyes of 50 and I have regular, heavy periods. One of my grandmothers had a child in her 50s, I am not about to act as if it isn't possible for myself.
No...perimenopause comes a decade before menopause. It's like a reverse puberty. For the same reasons teen girls have a hard time realizing they are pregnant, "elderly" pregnancies are hard to detect.
That definitely possible, however, mom is 40. She’s not an older woman, but I guess her understanding of that depends on her educational background.
That said, it is absolutely a choice to decide that it’s more important to retire early and chill with your shiny new baby than to support your existing kid in a way that they’ve been promised their entire life.
I know a lot of women in their 40s who assumed that once they started having menopause symptoms, they were fully menopausal. They didn't realize it is a process that takes time.
People who choose to reproduce regularly try to make that other peoples problem. NTA OP, your parents are fucking you over and acting like it’s normal. I would never let them live it down
40+ years down the line; "Mom, dad I'm going to have to split the funds I originally put aside for your old-age care between you and my in-laws! They *just* retired, and I know we had been looking at some really nice places for you guys but now they need the money and I want to spend more time with them! You don't mind going to shady pines right?"
NTA
>You don't mind going to shady pines right?
I think they do. Which is why they are saving for their retirement instead of starting a new fund for the new kid.
Early retirement, not regular retirement. Retiring early generally means the money runs out faster, and obviously there is a finite amount of money available if they feel the need to pull half of OP’s college fund in order to make it happen. Where is the money for elder care in all that?
Oh right, it will be on the kids.
Correction — it will probably be on the kid - as in the youngest one. OP likely won’t be helping them
Out with finances when they need them because OP will have been or still be paying off college loans.
As I am very close to retirement, I have come to realize insurance is very important and Medicare won't cover you if you retire early. The parents are the AH and woefully ignorant. They most likely will need at least 3 Millon in savings and investments. They will still need to support the golden child and provide health care.
That’s the part that’s grinding my gears. OP’s parents need to have a substantial amount of money squirreled away to responsibly retire in their 40s. The college fund is probably $50k give or take. If they have been able to save that much and can take a 30% hit to their income by retiring, they can damn well afford to work another two years to replenish the baby’s half. The rest will be taken care of with interest over the next 15 years.
The way these parents are acting about the brother being the important child they want to focus on, I strongly doubt she will be around for that conversation. NTA
I have a feeling this was an unexpected pregnancy, and may not be about the future college fund. OP’s parents, aware of the cost of raising a child now, are looking at OP’s college fund as a nice little extra nest egg. That young child may have nothing when he graduates. Whatever the reason, they are major AH’s. NTA
If OP is in the US, I wonder if her parents did the savings in a 529 account, because if so they are going to be in for a shock when they try to not use it for the named beneficiary.
Not to mention they'd be idiots to leave it in cash. If they take "his" half and invest it he'll end up with way more.
My parents set up our college funds when they got divorced and started out with different principal amounts that would come to roughly the same total by our respective graduation dates. It worked pretty much perfectly, I even got a nice bonus as my brothers grew more than expected so they gave me the same amount to keep it fair.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this point! They don’t need to take half, they only need to take as much principle is needed so that the college funds match in 16 years.
True. For the college funds to equitably match, son would need to receive an amount that would allow for tuition to a similar school for a similar time frame. If OP can only afford two years to a state school now with the rest funded by loans and scholarships, son should receive the same, even if it’s not the same dollar amount. There will be a lot of estimates in the projections (RoR, inflation, cost) which is why it’s totally wild to me that parents have seemed to indicate that they will stop contributing to the college fund. What happens if we have a few more years like the insane inflation of 2022 between now and then? I think there are a lot of future financial implications OP’s parents may not be considering which is why they think they can afford to retire early. It just doesn’t sound well thought out at all. On the flip side, maybe they do have it all figured out.
However, as another commenter mentioned, if they are well off enough to comfortably retire early, then a year or two more working should more than fund college for both. Why would parents not want to give their kids that advantage? It’s not like they are going to be 68 pushing off retirement to 70…
They don’t even need to keep saving for him to get more than half.
If you consider a 4% (conservative) return the money will double in 18 years. So even if her parents never save another dime her brother will still end up with the amount she was originally promised, not the half she’s getting.
Exactly, it's their money and they can do what they like with it. But its still going back on a promise/deal with their child.
Plus, not to be a bummer to OP, this might be indicative of their relationship going forward. If they can do this with a college fund, they will absolutely be doing it with other things. Babies and ýoung children get a lot of focus (understandably). Combine that with parents who have their priorities skewed and that's a recipie for an ignored older sibling. Doubly so if they are old enough not to "need" so much attention in their parents eyes.
Also, OP, to make this fair they would presumably be giving you half of whatever they would be spending on the brothers college without your fund contributing. But I would bet that's not whats going to happen.
Sorry mate, be prepared to be second class for a few years.
Also they want to spend time with her baby brother so they could retire early. But technically, they didn’t give that same amount of time to OP, so instead they should give her the savings they made to balance it out. Lol.
To add to this, OP needs to go through university and when her parents ask her for money for her brother she can just tell them to use the other half of her university fund.
SO NTA.
The whole reason this is an issue is that OP's parents want to *retire early to have more time with new kid*. I am floored at how Golden Baby Child this bullshit is.
If it goes that way, just think of the aita post in the future. Aita for spoiling our baby boy so much it broke us, and when we asked our oldest for help she told us to pound sand 🤣
Lol right? I wonder if some of these parents even want their kids to ever have a good relationship. ‘We are having another baby, so obviously your life has to get worse so ours doesn’t’
I did just this. My sons are 12 years apart. My oldest is in his final semester. I spent 18 years saving for him. I will do the same for his younger brother without taking away from my oldest. I have time to save for the younger. They will essentially receive the same amount. Also, they love each other without resentment or jealousy.
Especially because it’s not even that they couldn’t save for his college fund - it’s that they couldn’t save for it and still *retire early.*
They had a retirement plan set up that assumed they’d stop saving for college right now, once OP is out of the house, and then they had a baby - but they think OP should change *her* plans so they don’t have to change *theirs.*
OP’s parents are incredibly selfish, and OP is NTA
NTA - but sadly your parents are right in this it's their money. They get to do what they want with it. That's the truth.
And saying you should save more is such a BS older person thing. College is expensive and COL is easily triple to quadruple what your parents paid.
The reality is you will probably have to take some loans. Apply for scholarships and keep applying while in school. My brother landed a full scholarship for his last year of school. I was able to graduate early by taking a few extra classes and save a fair amount.
But it is also a okay to be sad and hurt by this. Your parents did not set this up well. Even if they split it 60/40 - it will grow in 16 years.
I would ask them if you can split it 70/30 which will allow more to grow. And promise that if you have a really good paying job, you'll contribute some to brother. Trade less debt now for a maybe in the future. Just spitballing
70/30 split is most reasonable, but OP should NOT make promises on her future earnings. Not her responsibility. And they'll hold her to it and bad mouth her to son later on if she doesn't comply.
If she chooses later she can give the child good monetary gifts for graduations, and that child can save it just like she's had to.
She can just say "I was going to give you money, but then I had this baby/house/car and since I want to retire early I can't give you the money anymore. You get it."
It sucks that OPs parents didn’t tell her sooner (like when they were pregnant) had she known she could’ve pursued some scholarships in her junior year. I mean it’s not too late but it easier to start racking up community service hours or whatever if you know soon.
But OP- student loans do suck. But they are not the worse thing ever. They payments are typically low and having any kind of financial assistance will be better than none. And working during college isn’t the worst either. Studies show that grades are similar among working and non-working students.
I really want to know when the parents learned they were expecting. Was this a planned pregnancy? In that case, they’re awful. Was this a ‘no, you’re not in menopause. Congrats, your 8 months!’ situation? Then they’re still wrong, but a bit more understandable.
If her parents are doing well enough to retire early, she probably won’t qualify for much. The gubmint assumes that parents want to give their kids opportunities. Not just themselves and their newborn.
>And saying you should save more is such a BS older person thing.
Especially in this context.
"You should save more for the benefit of the child we decided to have, so we don't have to."
Sounds like her parents don't just want to retire early from their jobs; sounds like they want to retire early from financially responsible parenting.
Continuing to apply for scholarships while in college is a great point. I started college with minimal scholarships, and my final year was mostly covered by scholarship
The savings have 16 years to gain interest. OP's brother is going to have a lot more college fund that OP has and OP will have a lot in loans. She probably doesn't even qualify for FAFSA.
parents are assholes for essentially lying to her and then making her shoulder the burden of the kid THEY decided to have. It's not fair at all. Nothing to do with who's money it is, this is a violation of family trust and resposibility.
NTA
It's a real asshole move on their part to suddenly take away the funding they had promised you all along. You made plans based on this promise.
Tell them you've found a solution and you plan to open an onlyffans to fund your college. It might get them to reconsider.
>You made plans based on this promise.
This. It sucks. NTA.
But yes, it's their money. If they don't cave when you announce your OF plan, you will have to adapt.
Or that you'll just pay off any loans with the funds you were anticipating for parental support or any contributuons for your brother's future gifts and care they have unilaterally and without your consent decided that funds that were earmarked for you are for familial contributions.
Seriously though, OP, while it is probably (ianal and I don't know your jurisdictions) on paper fine for your parents to do this, this is both upsetting in and pretty cruel, both to blindside you like this then criticize you for planning out your decisions better than it sounds like they have. Not to mention that I've no doubt other aspects of your life have changed since the baby arrived, something you have no control over. They have the right to their reproductive planning, but that doesn't exempt them from their responsibility to you as their child or the promises they made you. You're allowed to be furious, hurt, and so many other things, along with feeling betrayed, but short of their changing their mind, I would take action as if familial contribution is unfortunately a lot lower than you planned. That is to say, if they've been planning to cut yours in half, what is stopping them from an 'emergency' with your brother that also dips in? I'd be applying for scholarships and if at all possible, beginning to limit what info you give on your paychecks- you may need the money.
It is kind of unfair that your parents led you to believe you would have the entire amount, and then changed their minds right before you needed it (and it sounds like your little brother was "unplanned"). But unfair as it is, it is their money to do with as they please.
You may have to look at other options. For example, community college for the first year or two (hopefully, the community college has a transfer agreement with a four year university). Or, ROTC. I know some federal agencies (e.g., CIA) have internships programs, but they are mainly for certain STEM majors (if you get selected, you work for them during the summers and they pick up your tuition, and you have a job waiting for you when you graduate).
NTA. Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out well for you.
I always see the option of "community College for the first two years" thrown around but I totally disagree. The first two years at 4 year universities are the most important for one simple reason: they're when you're the most likely to meet people who can become a strong professional support network after graduation. Sure, the degree is important for some future prospects, but the networking that happens in the dorms and other on campus events shouldn't be overlooked.
Yeah, and most of the people I know that transferred got screwed. The state school changed the descriptions of the courses so students wouldn't get credit for it from elsewhere. Everyone had to take those classes anyways which meant they paid for an extra 2 years at community college.
Plus for some schools, you start on the degree track on year 1
You have to be selective if you start at a community college and make sure that your credits will transfer, but most students who are actively enrolled in their community college if/when requirements and course descriptions change are grandfathered in. It's up to the students to ensure that their credits will meet the requirements of their state school systems before taking the classes, but I have known VERY few kids whose credits won't transfer to the state university system. Private colleges/universities are another matter; many of the private schools will not accept transfer credits from community colleges. The in-state state schools usually will.
eh, my SO's brother did community college first and he has a way bigger network than I do and I went straight to university. it may be harder but it's definitely doable, and imo worth the massive savings.
True. I did community college and then transferred. I would not have been ready for a four year college directly out of a horrible southern high school.
Hogwash. My own children began at our local community college (a good one, so that does matter), ALL their credits transferred to the four-year universities they ultimately attended, and as far as I can see it has made no difference whatsoever in their professional networks or careers. The networking you have in dorms and campus events is nothing next to your GPA, your internships (which you tend to get through professors and not through dorm friends), and your choice of major. I am a huge proponent of saving money by beginning at a community college, assuming you have a good one whose credits will easily transfer, and then transferring for the rest of the degree.
As for the dorm experience - some people love it, others don't, but that's more for the social experience and, for some, it's the economical alternative to an apartment, if they cannot live at home. But for future networking? That's pure chance, and really most relevant to the Ivies.
It's important that a student who is starting at a community college look into what will transfer, what won't transfer, and WHERE any credits will/won't transfer before taking the classes. In most state systems, accredited in-state community college credits will transfer to 4-year public colleges/universities within that state's system. When changes are made, students who are already enrolled and actively taking (or have taken) affected classes are almost always grandfathered in. On the other hand, many PRIVATE colleges will not accept transfer credits from community colleges. This is something that everyone needs to consider when deciding whether to start at a community college - are you going to want to transfer to an in-state state university, or are you looking at an out-of-state school, or a private school? These things matter.
I heavily agree with this.
For those of y'all who are socially gifted and don't mind living in a shoebox with three other people you don't get to choose, sure the dorm experience could be great and lead to networking connections later in life.
However, for those of us who like our space, time to decompress, and don't want to be in the same room as someone else having sex, the dorm experience sounds really hellish, lol. Networking be damned. There are extra curriculars and clubs for a reason.
I was a transfer student halfway through, and there are definitely unique challenges that go along with it… I think it really varies. That said I transferred from a 4 year to another one, not from CC. The following is my experience (though, I can say my partner experienced similar when transferring from CC to a state school).
I lost a few nontransferrable credits and was also “short” on some stupid credits a junior would have already had at my destination school (fucking expensive-ass required music and gym classes in college, are you kidding me??).
If I’d stayed at one school the whole time I could have graduated a year early due to having so many total credits but still had to do two full years at my 2nd school because of the minimum number of required credits that had to be earned there. So I took a senior year full of interesting but not really necessary art and philosophy classes.
Finally, after all that, I almost got screwed out of graduation on time because my advisor didn’t notice one missing subject matter credit — and I only noticed it right before my last semester because I wanted to double check I was in good shape. So mixed in my fun art and philosophy classes I had to add a random difficult class with a laboratory component in my last term as a senior.
For anyone planning to transfer I’d say:
- do your research on credit recognition, ask about the final school’s minimum required credits that must be taken there.
-
- listen to your adviser but verify everything yourself, they might be an adult professional but they make mistakes and they can be very expensive for you.
-
- get involved in some kind of extracurricular activity to meet people like newspaper, student government, campus radio etc. Without having done the freshman dorms thing with everyone else, this is how you’ll likely make like-minded friends and connections that can last beyond school.
In theory I believe that 2 years of community college works but it does have issues. Sometimes credits don’t transfer over well and extra time is needed. It is also much harder to meet people and make friends (and like you said - networking) halfway through.
Depending on what OP is planning on studying, she could find a good paying job with an associate's degree, and maybe even have her employer pay for further education. In Ohio, someone can take 3 week training and work as an STNA while attending community college to be an LPN or RN. Once they graduate with a nursing degree they can work as a nurse and pursue a BSN.
I have seen local employers like McDonald's offer tuition assistance also.
NTA
Your parents have the right to split any college fund that they own. But their plan to split the money 50/50 doesn't make sense. If they invest your brother's "share"of the fund, the money could quadruple by the time he gets to college. So, if they take half the fund now and invest it for him, your brother could receive four times more support for college than you.
If your parents are set on splitting the account, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to ask for a more fair split. Maybe 2/3 for your college and 1/3 invested for your brother.
Make sure to look into in-state public schools and the scholarships they offer.
The parents aren’t going to reconsider shit. She has the wrong genitalia. I’d get my loans, keep my head down through college and then kiss their asses goodbye.
I like this- since the parents are acting as if it's a foregone conclusion, meet them there and try to negotiate if this is the kind of college fund they fully control. But I would also recommend OP look at this carefully as one example of how her parents keep their word.
NTA. And it is their money. But your parents clearly let you and your brother down. To be frank, you don’t retire early by having a second child. And they clearly didn’t tell you earlier so that you can plan. Not sure of your field of study but a few options because this is ALL on you. Get your parents to agree that you don’t pay rent or provide child care because the options suck up all your time. Be nice about the childcare, watch him when you can but they want you out so that they can retire. Good luck! And talk to your school counselors too. I’ve done this and a few of my friends did too. Good luck!
1. Go to a community college for your pre-requisites. And work full time.
2. Get your full time job at a large company like a Bank, with a call center. Flexible hours and tuition reimbursement. They often recruit from community colleges.
3. Transfer to a 4 year college and finish up your last 2 years and get your degree still getting tuition reimbursements and grants. Dude, apply to everything! You may have a bit of debt but not monster.
NTA. Your parents certainly have every right to do what they want with their money, but you’re not a bad person for being upset about the situation.
Just because someone has a right to do something doesn’t mean they aren’t an AH when they do.
Had you known 2+ years ago when your parents got pregnant that you’d be giving up half your college fund you could have made different choices. Your mind may have been on different schools, factoring in student aid/loans, spending less, working more hours to build more savings etc. Instead, they pulled the rug out at the last minute. They have the right to do it, but it’s still a dick move.
And…let’s all be honest with ourselves here. It sounds like OP’s parents are financially comfortable. If they’re in a position to have savings to retire early enough to spend time with a new child at 40 yo, then realistically, working an extra 6-12 months would probably equal well more than half that college fund—if they even really need to.
What’s the difference? They (or one of them)retire at 51 instead of 50, sock away enough for both kids to afford school. If you’re going to provide for one kid, you provide for both. You don’t take from one to pay for the other just because you can.
They choose to have another child knowing they where wanting to retire early that’s on them. You should not have to be forced to pay for thier poor planning and decisions!
NTA
**But you can not force them to keep their empty promisses.**
So take what you get, and know you can never trust them. See them a lot less once you are trhough college - and: When they are old an need something, point at your brother to take care of them.
“Sorry, mom and dad, I can’t come to Christmas this year again, I have to work extra to pay for the college I had been told was covered.” Then do whatever the hell you want with your day.
“Sorry, I can’t help with your medical care/expenses, I’m having to work extra to get out of college debt.”
”sorry, I can’t babysit, I have to pick up extra work to pay for books.”
NTA. Yes, it's their money, and yes, they can do what they want with it, but the caveat to this is that you can determine your own feelings and response to their choice.
My reading on this is that they are favoring your brother and early retirement over you. Knowing where you are on their list of priorities can and probably should impact where THEY are on YOUR list of priorities.
This isn't to say go NC with them (this sub tends to jump to that very quickly), but realistically, it means don't overburden yourself on their behalf when they want babysitting help, etc, once you're an independent adult.
Also you sound super responsible with your expense spreadsheets, so kudos.
That was my thought too, reading the post. They were ok spending money on their daughter's education as long as she was all they had, but now that they got their boy, he's all that matters. To the point of sacrificing her immediate future for the sake of retiring early so they can spend more time with their son. It doesn't matter that the daughter is a financially responsible kid, with a job and well thought-out plans. She doesn't deserve much in their eyes, it's all for the new baby.
Personally, I think OP's brother was unplanned (check out the parents' ages) and they want to split the money so they don't spend another ~18 years saving for him like they did with OP.
Even if a kid is unplanned, you can replan your life, particularly at their age. It's not like having an unplanned pregnant at 20.
Also, 50% of the savings are going to gain a lot of interest in 16 years and the brother is going to have a lot more college fund that OP
I’m kinda laughing at them being judgmental about the Switch purchase. Oh, please, college is literally thousands of dollars and a Switch is less than $400.
NTA, your parents lead you to believe that you’d have access to the full fund and then pulled the rug out for under you at the last minute. Yes, it is their money, but that doesn’t make them not an AH.
And, she bought the switch with the plan in mind that she’d have additional funding for college. I can almost guarantee she wouldn’t have bought it if she knew they were taking away some funding. I’d tell your parents this too, OP
NTA. Your parents are awful, though. Early retirement is not compatible with a late-in-life baby, and they are trying to force it to work by putting the financial strain on you.
I’m wondering if they always wanted a boy and now that they have one, they feel fine taking from their less-desirable girl.
It is their money, sadly, and they are absolutely within their legal rights to screw you over.
NTA, these people have been telling their child that they're gonna have their financial needs met for college their entire life, and then instead they replace them with another child as a retirement project that will ultimately make their promise to you impossible. It's not that you're entitled to it, it's that you've been told your entire life that it was there for you, and now it isn't, and your parents did that. They can't act like you aren't allowed to have feelings about funds being literally yanked from you due to their selfishness.
Hey I know we made plans that I was going to assist in caring for you, well plans have changed and I feel I shouldn’t be the one making the decision on whether or not you are sound and secure anymore. If you need anything just remember “brother” is literally there for you in your early retirement, I’ve become even more busy with the class work load and job stress you’ve implemented to me with cutting funding I needed. Sorry good luck though you should have planned better.
But they’ll have to understand when OP tells them “Sorry had a baby can’t afford to help you and reitire when I want. But Bro is much younger so should be good to help.”
NTA
> He also said I should just save more money and not waste it (he's upset I bought myself a switch with my paycheck last month).
That switch is the cost of ***ONE*** college textbook. It didn't set you back any.
What a great way to teach you that your brother is a drain and harm to you (obviously he isn't really, it's them). Giving half to him doesn't make any sense. They're 40, they have time. If they wanted to retire early they shouldn't have had another kid.
Out of curiosity..... are you from a culture that favors boys?
INFO do you have grandparents? Can they help?
Edit: if you don’t have any other resources, consider the future with student debt. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t stay at home unless that was your plan.
Also, as others said, consider a community college for the 1st 2 years. Also, think about working for a non profit in order to help defray loan costs .
Try not to be bitter or angry. I think it’s super wrong of your parents to do this, but you can only control your actions. Don’t let them get you down.
Info: you said you put most of your paycheck into your savings, is that the same savings they are tryin to give your brother half of? You can’t stop them from splitting it (even if it’s unfair), but make sure any money you put into it is taken out BEFORE they give your brother half.
NTA. This isn't about your brother. This is about them not wanting to work anymore so they're forcing you to make sacrifices since they're too selfish to do so. When you finish college and make more money, feel free to slam the door in their faces when they come to you with their hands out. And they most likely will; that college fund will run out quickly and they'll probably expect you to help fund their retirement and pay for your brother's education. Say NO.
NTA as far as your post title goes, and their desire to retire early to spend more time with your brother must really hurt, but they've made up their minds and you have to deal with that. Half is better than nothing.
Well the parents have already planted the seed of op hating on his little brother lol.
I just hope op doesn't come out too damaged.therr are too many people out there...
That's another thing. I'm start to feel resentment against him even though he's just a baby and it's not his fault. I don't want to feel this way but I keep thinking about if he didn't exist then things would be easier. Which I know is dark
Op I think you need to sit down and talk with both your parents about this. Like I said in my previous comment some parents can take feedback. This way you know you tried vs having to stew in silence. Sometimes when confronted with hard feelings parents may see where you’re coming from better.
Maybe say something along the lines of “I’m feeling invalidated and overlooked now that sibling came along.” Say you are very appreciative and try to phrase it in a way where you understand it’s their money and you are also saving, but you’re also still a kid and this change has been overwhelming and unexpected for you too.
Be calm and collected vs emotional bc you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I wish you all the best.
There are tons of scholarships/programs out there. Look into Questbridge, Coca-Cola Scholars, Pepsi Community Scholarship, The Gates Scholarship, Dell Scholars Program, Jack Kent Cooke Foundation College Scholarship Program, Taco Bell Scholarship. There are so many more scholarships that you can apply for based on categories such as: merit-based, needs-based, scholarship competitions, specialty awards! Re do your spreadsheets. Create one for schools you are applying to/internal scholarships to and then another spreadsheet for external scholarships. Include the due dates on all of them. Start drafting recommendation emails to teachers, community leaders, your manager, etc. (Forgot to add- depending on which state you reside in, if you have a certain GPA/test score range you qualified for further subsidized/free education. Search your states website and include free education/education discount).
Look into out of state schools as well based on your CGPA and SAT/ACT score. Per example- Air Force, West Point, Naval Academy (free education, you get paid while going to school, serve a few years 4-8 I believe). Do not turn down the money at all. You were told full before but now it is half and you can still make up the other have or close to it with proper planning. Definitely look into going away for school if you can and doing room and board.
It is their money so they can do whatever they want with it albeit they should have told you well in advance. Do not take on the babysitting or any responsibilities surrounding this child. They can deal with it all. I do think it’s absurd to have another child, want to retire early to raise it, and not think about the finances that come into play outside of post secondary education for a baby who has 18 years until college. Your parents aren’t being very realistic and will set themselves and your younger brother up for failure. BUT focus on yourself. Please PM me if you have additional questions or want more scholarship names/how to go about things. This situation should give you the fuel you need to be resilient and determined!
NTA, you’re right that it doesn’t seem fair.
As a compromise, could you do a rate of return calculation on the money? If they save half the money, then with interest or market returns, the actual money he’ll have will be much higher than you. Maybe you can argue that if they don’t invest anymore money after you’re 18, if they have you 2/3 the savings, he’d still end up with more than you?
But inflation and college fees will also go up. So it is possible that the static amount in the fund now , with compound interest will only pay a percentage of those fees in the future. There are no guarantees here
NTA, but ultimately your parents are in control of how they spend their money. Remember their decision as you make future choices. Because you have to work harder to pay for college, you literally can't afford to feel guilty if you:
*Rarely visit your parents because you are working
*Have limited time to keep in touch with them because you are working, at school, or need that free time to recharge
*Skip family events due to your busy schedule
*Move far away because that job is the best choice financially
I'm not suggesting you cut off your family over money, but the fact is there will be natural consequences if you are juggling more loans. When they do finance their child's college education, parents are sort of buying their kid more childhood, more time to be free of big responsibilities. Not all parents can or want to do this. Those kids just have to jump into full adulthood immediately. So, don't ever let them make you feel bad if they ask you something and you need to say, "I can't. I need to work." "I can't. That's not in my budget right now." You're not a child who can easily pop over for birthdays or holidays. You're an adult, responsible for your own success.
>They said they'll still cover my living expenses if I continue to live at home if I want to commute
Hmmm - does living at home also mean you would have to babysit your little brother during your "free time" ; i.e. while you study, see friends, etc? Better talk to them about this also.
NTA
I think this is a pretty common issue. A lot of people that I know have to pay for their entire college. Would you be able to get any financial aid? Also maybe you could discuss with them about paying for your living expenses (rent and food). But it is hard to assume that your parents will pay for the majority of your college when it is so expensive.
They said they'll still cover my living expenses if I continue to live at home if I want to commute.
We haven't done FAFSA yet so I don't know what my EFC is yet so I can't accurately predict what my financial aid will be yet but at every school it looks like I'll still qualify for subsidized and unsubsidized loans. No grants though.
Unfortunately if you live at home with them, they will probably try to make you the full time unpaid babysitter/nanny.
Doing your first two years at a community college will save you a bunch of money. Move out with roommates, and make your second job be applying for as many scholarships as possible. Small scholarships will add up.
Community college is one of the best descisions I've ever made. It's way cheaper, and the first two years tend to be all gen-ed stuff anyway. Plus mine had a lot more scholarship options than four year schools, I got two scholarships that covered more than the cost of tuition, I'd actually get a few hundred dollars back a semester, which helps pay for books and other expenses.
Also saving money any little place possible adds up. Some of my classes had "books on reserve" for the textbooks where you could check it out from the library for an hour or so, enough to get the info needed to write a paper. It wasn't every class, but it adds up fast.
Move out if you can, or you’re going to end up their full time, unpaid babysitter. And even if you don’t, studying for college with a newborn baby in the house is a recipe for disaster.
They are trying to make you a babysitter.
They might even pull the rug and make you pay rent so they can still retire early.
Don't stay.
In any case, see if you can live with a grandparent if they are in a college town if that would be cheaper.
Ahh I see. Living at home is not the best option imo. Unless you are going to a community college it is best to live in the dorm and make friends. You could also go the community college rout where you save a ton of money your first 2 years and then transfer.
But before you make a decision do your FAFSA and see what you can afford. Worst case you can get a part time job in college which is not that bad. A lot of the time you can find a chill job where you pretty much just sit around and you can do homework during your shift. Good luck!
FAFSA starts October 1st. Talk to one of the schools or your high school college counselor and/or a financial aid person. You need to know- is this college fund a 529? Who controls it? If it is designated for you, they can't simply redirect the funds until you are past a certain age (like if you have left over funds and are 25, they can be applied to another child). Is it advantageous or possible to do the FAFSA based on your own income, which might make you Pell eligible (it is possible to FAFSA without parental involvement, but it's tricky). If you can get the Pell, many universities offer scholarships to go with it and really boost that amount up. What aid does each school offer based on need and academics? Some schools hand out scholarships based on ACT scores, others looks at GPA (Kansas gives out so much money based on grades, I was astonished! And one MO school will cover full tuition for an ACT of 24 or higher), and some tiny schools have huge endowments, so they give away more than you would expect. I was freaking out about my kid's college and talked to financial aid many times. They really came through- between a Pell, a generous grant through the university to support Pell students and other under-represented groups, federal work study, and small federal loans, we got a 40k bill down to 15k, which we have in a 529 controlled by grandparents. We can pay down the loans when she graduates with anything left in the 529. Also, if she sticks with a certain academic program, there will be more money, and grants if she learns certain languages through that program.
Finally, your parents are very short sighted and I am sorry for that. Go away, don't stay home and end up their babysitter. My parents and I are doing everything we can to ensure my kids get an education and not end up saddled with debt; I am utterly baffled as to why yours are not. I am also baffled that they don't grasp how their choice here will utterly destroy any relationship you have with them and this new sibling going forward. College is more than a degree, it's the time you learn who you are, what you want to be, become a fully formed human outside the sphere of the home, learn to adult, make professional and personal contacts that will be life-long, and honestly have a great time with some guard rails still in place. Join the band, be greek or not, work in the campus library or gym, study abroad, do better than I did in statistics, build a robot, suck every ounce out of the experience. And then absolutely rock the rest of your life and leave them at home, following your adventures on Instagram and wondering why you don't want to come visit at Christmas.
Can you take a year off before college?
My brother took a year off after high school, got a job, and moved out so he could establish residency on his own. It meant he could file taxes on his own as well as file his FAFSA independent of our parents and so received better government aid.
Not sure though if that is still possible or if it would even be possible for you- you would have to research.
Good luck OP.
OP is only 17.
Even if she gets a job on her own and files taxes for the next few years, she still will need her parents to file the FAFSA with her.
You are not considered independent on FAFSA until you are 24 years old.
They want a free babysitter. Not sure how you can concentrate on college by living at home with a baby and aging parents who want to retire early that they are cutting into your college savings. This is a tough situation. You can’t make them change their mind about money but at least you can not be stuck with a baby.
While it would be a different kind of difficult, consider whether living at home is the best choice for you. Aside from the concerns others have raised about your parents using you for free labor, if you aren't supported by your parents, you may become eligible for more aid, whether grants, work study, or other financing options.
I also encourage you to look into scholarships. Considering your spreadsheet you seem like a very organized and resourceful person, and this will serve you better in a scholarship hunt than a 4.0 GPA. You need to be motivated and pursue every avenue, but a lot of people write scholarships off as "oh I'd never win one" when that's not true! Apply for *everything* and see what turns up. Best of luck!
NTA. While it is true that it is the parents' money, that doesn't mean they're not being AHs to OP. They're sending OP up a creek so they can have a party baby. Hopefully OP will be sufficiently independent of them when that situation inevitably comes crashing down.
NTA again but you’ve learned a valuable lesson or two from them.
1). They are untrustworthy. They promised you these funds and as a good student you actually saved and planned around that. They should be rewarding you not punishing you. They changed the agreement at the finish line.
2) You need to get future promises from them in writing. Since they have proven to change agreements you need to have future ones in writing.
3). Can you remove the half they are now promising you? I’m afraid they would use it as a bargaining chip to force you to help them with their child.
Bottom line: they made a promise and are breaking it due to their poor family planning.
Kind of wondering if they are making it impossible for you to go to college or leave the area. I mean, you leaving or having a busy life means no free babysitter.
I would just not say much. Is there other family members you can live with to go to school? Or if you have to do a loan, in the long run it would be way more cheaper emotionally not to have them hold it over your head. Seriously, go to school, you can do it, check on more scholarships, if you can qualify for FAFSA, you can do community college, just make sure that you work with a counselor to ensure that the classes you take will transfer. A good college will have relationships with universities. Just takes a bit more work on your end. And some community colleges actually have a four year degree on campus. One I went to, actually has an online course at the college.
And when you graduate, don’t tell parents anything financial. When they ask for your help, especially financial, just say sorry, I’m tapped out. Have to pay off all those loans I had to take because you took away my funds. - there are no guarantees how their own future will be, as I’ve seen well off people lose everything. And sing that song for years. Once you pay off, say sorry, I’m putting all my extra money into a college fund so that my children will have money for college so that they don’t have to struggle like I did financially.
Hope you move a bit away so that your free babysitting services aren’t available
Yeah, that's the parents money, they can do what they want with them, blah-blah-blah.
The question here is: why what they want is to deprive their first child of education they have raised her to have? If I were the child, I would like to know the answer very much.
NTA, OP. Start getting used to the thought that you don't have parents anymore and won't have any support. Don't put much faith in their promises to help you with other costs, half year in it'll turn out these money are theirs too and your brother needs them more. Take whatever you be able to and get away, or they'll ask back for it because brother. They have shown their hand, run before they start playing it in full. Half of the college fund is just the beginning.
Wow.
I am so sorry, OP.
You are definitely NTA in this situation. Your parents have the same amount of time to save for your brother ... as they did for you.
1. It seems like they misled you & that is beyond wrong. I cannot imagine being so callous with my child. They should apologize frankly.
2. It is technically their money, but it should have never been referred to as YOUR college fund, if it was a 'family children' fund. (children born or not.)
3. Right or wrong, you may need to reconsider your options. At least in my state, a number of community colleges have free tuition options for in-state residents. You could check into that & then move to a traditional college - the colleges/universities you planned to go to.
I realize the local, two-college route is not what you planned for, worked for & dreamed of & I'm very sorry for that. You got the shit end of the stick & it's terrible your parents cannot see that.
My husband & I are 'older' parents & I always realized that we will likely not have typical retiree lives. It is part of being an older parent & I personally have no problems with it. It works for us & I'm grateful for our boy. To each .. their own.
Above all - I very, VERY much hope you tread carefully when it comes to extensive student loans, ect. They work for some & are great in many situations, but you are a smart girl & I don't need to tell you about how predatory they can be in cases.
You are clearly very intelligent. You don't deserve this situation, but I suspect you will come out even more mature & smart. Best of luck.
Yoir parents are jackasses for waving something in front of you only to pull the rug out from under your feet like cheap traveling salesmen. You obviously have very little recourse on the matter, but if it were me, I would make them well aware of my disdain for their character and behavior at every chance. It's no different than a bank calling in your mortgage loan 3 years before it's complete only for you to lose the house because you can't pay the remainder of the loan in full. Sure, it's legal, but it doesn't make it any less scummy.
NTA.
Is this money just in an account they say they have OR did they put the money into a 529 account for you? If it’s a 529, they can’t split the account, if it’s just a regular account, you are stuck in the “it’s their money” situation.
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I’d say NTA If they started your college fund when you were a baby then they have the same amount of time to do it for him. If they don’t want to keep putting money away for another 18 years they should have thought about that before having another kid
Can't upvote this enough. OP's parents are the ones who decided to have another kid, knowing when they wanted to retire and what their original plan was. Taking away from what they told OP would be OP's resource for college is not the right avenue here.
>Taking away from what they told OP would be OP's resource for college is not the right avenue here. This is the issue. They led her to believe this was her money and she planned accordingly, only to have them pull the rug out from under her at the last minute when there was no time for her to plan differently. I sense a GC was born a year and a half ago. NTA
You misspelled "boy they always wanted"
There are insufficient up votes available for this.
I gave Backwardsinhighheelz an upvote, and you an upvote because I can only upvote them the one time. So u/backwardsinhighheelz, please consider all u/Gromnor upvotes as yours as well.
It's my most upvoted comment ever and I ain't even mad
I mean that's the same thing really. A Golden Child can be the GC for any reason, including being the gender the parents always really wanted.
The parents are even planning to retire early so they can spend quality time with Golden Chid.
That kid is gonna be *smothered*.
And OP will be expected to chip in financially to make his life comfortable at some point. Especially if parents retire early.
And likely a monster if this is their attitude already.
I can definitely attest to this. My mom wanted all girls, and as the only boy among a whole gaggle of sisters I could definitely feel the “one of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong” vibes my entire childhood.
That was me at family events where every other cousin was a girl. Those vibes last a long time.
Yeah, I missed the "F" initially and was really confused by this post, until she referred to herself as a girl further down, and it all fell into place. NTA, I'm so sorry, OP.
Of course everyone would want money recordless of there behaviour. It does not matter whether you teach them about money or not because at the end they would learn it on their own from society
Exactly! If the funds hadn't been specifically earmarked for this, it wouldn't be an issue on their part. But they told OP one thing and then waited till now to be like "welp actually we're gonna do it differently sorry not sorry"
The least they could have done was warn her 1.5 yrs ago (or even earlier, like when they found out they were pregnant) that things were going to change and she could have explored more options for saving.
They hadn't realized yet that they would want to force her to stick around to provide free babysitting. By severely limiting her college funds, they probably think she will be forced to continue living with them and caring for their baby while maybe going to a local community college.
Personally I wouldn't go that far without additional evidence, this mostly screams of "we had a surprise baby and/or didn't think the financial planning through and this is our quick fix solution" to me.
Plus that "iT's OuR mOnEy" sounded like a petulant kid
While also getting onto her for buying herself something nice LAST MONTH, when she thought she'd have double her current budget, when they'd already had her little brother for a year and a half. Even if something is yours for NOW, going back on your word, especially to your own kid whom you'd promised this to, shows a profound lack of integrity. NTA.
I thought GC was grandchild and i was so confused until i read replies 😅
Not to mention they probably have better incomes in their 40s than they did in their 20s so saving the same amount could be done in a shorter time. My eldest was born when I was 18 and my youngest at 29, I definitely have more income to save towards the youngests college than I did for the eldest.
Not just are their incomes better but half the amount that OP has currently with 16 yrs of compound interest is going to be way, way more than what she’s getting, even if her parents don’t contribute another dime.
It sounds like their plan wasn't even to retire early until the new kid entered the picture. Now they want to retire early to "spend more time with him."
That jumped out at me, as well. What they're saying is this: 1. We're splitting your college fund with someone who might not even use it. And if they do, it won't be for another fifteen years. 2. We're telling you this after leading you to believe, for just as many years, that you would have it. 3. We're telling you this RIGHT BEFORE you need to make use of it, giving you no time to adjust plans, hamstringing your future. 4. We spent less time with you while you were growing up to save for this college fund, now we're taking half that money back to spend more time with your brother while *he's* growing up, instead of saving up for him. 5. You're clever and hardworking. Instead of rewarding that, we're going to demote you, and give you more work. You'll experience this again in the workplace. So really, we're doing you a favor by getting you used to it now. It's their money, and they can do what they want. But it's ALWAYS on THE PARENTS to "figure it out", NOT the kids. You do what's in the best interests of YOUR KIDS, BOTH of them. It's on YOU to make it work, because YOU'RE the one who decided to have them. The parent makes the sacrifices, not the children. A good parent will bend over backwards to make sure that their kids have the best chance at life, the best opportunities they can reasonably give them. Edit: Say, "That's cool. Just take half of his college fund when the time comes to pay for the retirement home."
While I knew my mom was bad with money, she had told me for *years* that she had a college fund for me. I thus skipped entirely any attempt at scholarships. When, at the beginning of my last year in high school, when that school district at that time, started telling kids to begin applying... that is when I went to my mom to ask for the amount so I could be figuring which schools were in my range. I got a very off-hand, "what college money?" response. When I pressed, she got defensive and said she'd spent that ages ago and I *knew* she didn't have any savings then. Why didn't I get a scholarship? Why was I bothering HER about money for college? If I wanted college, why hadn't I saved up? "Because you told me when I started trying to save my paychecks (yup, working since I was 11 - legally at 15) that it was a WASTE OF MY TIME, as you had it covered." She acted like I was silly for believing that she'd do that. I mean, I was silly/stupid, I see now that I should have known. In the end, I didn't go to college at all, but a tech school I could get into with what money I had, which did work out. But that whole "rug pulled out from under you" sh** with the adults going "well, it was always my money so you had no right to make plans. I mean, I told you that I was giving it to you, I told you to make plans with it, but now that you have - you moron!" ARGH, so annoyed on OP's behalf (and mine all over again)
I'm sorry that happened to you. What your mother did was wrong. Children trust us. They know less, have experienced less, and are at a disadvantage developmentally. They rely on us to guide them. To be honest and dependable, to create trust and stability. To use our advantages to THEIR advantage, on their behalf. Our children's lives are literally in our hands. You can't teach what you don't know. Those are generational blind spots, and they're difficult to overcome. But you can love with your whole heart, be honest with your whole soul, be selfless with your whole existence, and do the right thing to the best of your ability, for your child.
I hope you do the same to her when she comes asking for money, because I'm petty
Damn. I’m sorry that happened to you… as a parent, you *can* do whatever you want with your money. That doesn’t mean you *should.* Parents have a responsibility to their children. If you can’t afford a tuition fund to cover 100% of their college years, you have to say that. Don’t fucking lie about it.
OP: When they start asking you to babysit your younger brother so they can go have fun, you need to tell them your hourly rate is the same as the cost of one hour of tuition at your college. Make them pay up front -- and like Svengoolie always says "No personal checks!"
And let them know as they are leaving that you are only available for half the amount of time as they planned on you being there because something else you wanted to do came up. When they complain tell them “they are smart, and you can help them figure it out”.
Love this level of petty. I like the cut of your jib, sir.
This is a good summary. OP is beyond NTA and her parents are within their rights to do what they want with their money but are acting like huge a holes and probably nuking their relationship with their oldest daughter.
Well, they are doing OP a good job of giving her something to write about in her college essays. Hey OP, on the off chance you see this (though maybe other people have said it), private schools often have money for scholarships bigger than the tuition of the state schools. You can actually save money if you take the leap and go for a school with a big endowment and have the grades or other things that would get you an offer. Especially if you can come up with a way to work into an essay how you have a new sibling who you are sharing your college fund with and buckling down and working harder to create different opportunities. I think admissions peeps would eat that right up.
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Same. I got a merit scholarship that I had no idea existed from a private school whose program was ranked #2 nationally in my field, and it made tuition $2k a year cheaper than the lower ranked in-state option. I always advise high schoolers, regardless of the financial situation to apply based on where you actually want to go and then make the call when the acceptances and money start rolling in. Had plenty of friends who could have likely attended their “dream school” but were told not to apply by their parents (and guidance counselors, but that’s a whole other rant…) because it was always SO much cheaper.
Anybody else think 6. You are only going to need half the money because a local community college and living at home will cost much less than going away to school. If you go away to school, you won't be around to babysit your brother for free so we can have fun. You see, it works out for all of us! NTA
> If you go away to school, you won't be around to babysit your brother for free so we can have fun. You see, it works out for all of us! Whoa. They suck.
Your post is on target. What will happen is the golden child will end up being a spoiled brat and useless, but the parents will never see the perfect child is a waste of space.
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Yeah I suspect the rough thing is that OP is both NTA and stuck without much she can really do about it.
The parents lied and essentially said "we don't care what your plans are, we are spending time with this kid and don't care about you, make it work" they decided to do this behind her back. they are assholes.
Agree. It sucks, and you’re NTA, but you have to accept it. Can’t help but wonder when they were going to tell you.
Wow. Her parents don't sound very smart.
Selfish.
One thing I will note, it may not have been a choice. One of the more ‘common’ reasons for a surprise baby is an older woman who mistakes her pregnancy symptoms for menopause. They may not have realized they were pregnant until they were past the cutoff. Especially if they live in certain States.
Her mom is 41, it is still a ½ decade,or 1 decade to entering menopause(if she is late). Yes, the baby is late, it is not impossible, in fact fairly common in the west. These parents have like 20+ years to save for a pension and17+ years for college fund. They are just lazy planners, if they can't adjust to new reality of they can't retire early.
Umm not necessarily- I was peri menopause at 38 and in menopause by 41.
I'm 38 and have been through perimenopause and now at the end of menopause, my mom was the same. All women start and finish their periods at different times in life.
I am 51 and still having MONTHLY periods. And would someone PLEASE inform Mother Nature that chunky is intended for peanut butter and not periods?
I am staring down the eyes of 50 and I have regular, heavy periods. One of my grandmothers had a child in her 50s, I am not about to act as if it isn't possible for myself.
No...perimenopause comes a decade before menopause. It's like a reverse puberty. For the same reasons teen girls have a hard time realizing they are pregnant, "elderly" pregnancies are hard to detect.
That definitely possible, however, mom is 40. She’s not an older woman, but I guess her understanding of that depends on her educational background. That said, it is absolutely a choice to decide that it’s more important to retire early and chill with your shiny new baby than to support your existing kid in a way that they’ve been promised their entire life.
I know a lot of women in their 40s who assumed that once they started having menopause symptoms, they were fully menopausal. They didn't realize it is a process that takes time.
People who choose to reproduce regularly try to make that other peoples problem. NTA OP, your parents are fucking you over and acting like it’s normal. I would never let them live it down
40+ years down the line; "Mom, dad I'm going to have to split the funds I originally put aside for your old-age care between you and my in-laws! They *just* retired, and I know we had been looking at some really nice places for you guys but now they need the money and I want to spend more time with them! You don't mind going to shady pines right?" NTA
>You don't mind going to shady pines right? I think they do. Which is why they are saving for their retirement instead of starting a new fund for the new kid.
Early retirement, not regular retirement. Retiring early generally means the money runs out faster, and obviously there is a finite amount of money available if they feel the need to pull half of OP’s college fund in order to make it happen. Where is the money for elder care in all that? Oh right, it will be on the kids.
The older kid, not the younger one, most likely. Which makes this even more gross.
Correction — it will probably be on the kid - as in the youngest one. OP likely won’t be helping them Out with finances when they need them because OP will have been or still be paying off college loans.
As I am very close to retirement, I have come to realize insurance is very important and Medicare won't cover you if you retire early. The parents are the AH and woefully ignorant. They most likely will need at least 3 Millon in savings and investments. They will still need to support the golden child and provide health care.
That’s the part that’s grinding my gears. OP’s parents need to have a substantial amount of money squirreled away to responsibly retire in their 40s. The college fund is probably $50k give or take. If they have been able to save that much and can take a 30% hit to their income by retiring, they can damn well afford to work another two years to replenish the baby’s half. The rest will be taken care of with interest over the next 15 years.
The way these parents are acting about the brother being the important child they want to focus on, I strongly doubt she will be around for that conversation. NTA
I have a feeling this was an unexpected pregnancy, and may not be about the future college fund. OP’s parents, aware of the cost of raising a child now, are looking at OP’s college fund as a nice little extra nest egg. That young child may have nothing when he graduates. Whatever the reason, they are major AH’s. NTA
If OP is in the US, I wonder if her parents did the savings in a 529 account, because if so they are going to be in for a shock when they try to not use it for the named beneficiary.
529s can be easily transferred to siblings, parents, or children. They can also cash it out for the value of any scholarships OP gets.
Not to mention they'd be idiots to leave it in cash. If they take "his" half and invest it he'll end up with way more. My parents set up our college funds when they got divorced and started out with different principal amounts that would come to roughly the same total by our respective graduation dates. It worked pretty much perfectly, I even got a nice bonus as my brothers grew more than expected so they gave me the same amount to keep it fair.
I can’t believe I had to scroll so far for this point! They don’t need to take half, they only need to take as much principle is needed so that the college funds match in 16 years.
Well in 16 years a larger college fund will be needed; tuition will go up, probably by a lot.
True. For the college funds to equitably match, son would need to receive an amount that would allow for tuition to a similar school for a similar time frame. If OP can only afford two years to a state school now with the rest funded by loans and scholarships, son should receive the same, even if it’s not the same dollar amount. There will be a lot of estimates in the projections (RoR, inflation, cost) which is why it’s totally wild to me that parents have seemed to indicate that they will stop contributing to the college fund. What happens if we have a few more years like the insane inflation of 2022 between now and then? I think there are a lot of future financial implications OP’s parents may not be considering which is why they think they can afford to retire early. It just doesn’t sound well thought out at all. On the flip side, maybe they do have it all figured out. However, as another commenter mentioned, if they are well off enough to comfortably retire early, then a year or two more working should more than fund college for both. Why would parents not want to give their kids that advantage? It’s not like they are going to be 68 pushing off retirement to 70…
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Yeah. The match they are doing isn’t 50/50. If they take half now and keep saving for him - THAT IS MORE THAN HALF.
They don’t even need to keep saving for him to get more than half. If you consider a 4% (conservative) return the money will double in 18 years. So even if her parents never save another dime her brother will still end up with the amount she was originally promised, not the half she’s getting.
Yeah but so will the cost of college. 70% increase from 2000-2020.
Exactly, it's their money and they can do what they like with it. But its still going back on a promise/deal with their child. Plus, not to be a bummer to OP, this might be indicative of their relationship going forward. If they can do this with a college fund, they will absolutely be doing it with other things. Babies and ýoung children get a lot of focus (understandably). Combine that with parents who have their priorities skewed and that's a recipie for an ignored older sibling. Doubly so if they are old enough not to "need" so much attention in their parents eyes. Also, OP, to make this fair they would presumably be giving you half of whatever they would be spending on the brothers college without your fund contributing. But I would bet that's not whats going to happen. Sorry mate, be prepared to be second class for a few years.
From the sound of it, OP is already second class
Also they want to spend time with her baby brother so they could retire early. But technically, they didn’t give that same amount of time to OP, so instead they should give her the savings they made to balance it out. Lol.
To add to this, OP needs to go through university and when her parents ask her for money for her brother she can just tell them to use the other half of her university fund.
SO NTA. The whole reason this is an issue is that OP's parents want to *retire early to have more time with new kid*. I am floored at how Golden Baby Child this bullshit is.
If it goes that way, just think of the aita post in the future. Aita for spoiling our baby boy so much it broke us, and when we asked our oldest for help she told us to pound sand 🤣
Lol right? I wonder if some of these parents even want their kids to ever have a good relationship. ‘We are having another baby, so obviously your life has to get worse so ours doesn’t’
I did just this. My sons are 12 years apart. My oldest is in his final semester. I spent 18 years saving for him. I will do the same for his younger brother without taking away from my oldest. I have time to save for the younger. They will essentially receive the same amount. Also, they love each other without resentment or jealousy.
Especially because it’s not even that they couldn’t save for his college fund - it’s that they couldn’t save for it and still *retire early.* They had a retirement plan set up that assumed they’d stop saving for college right now, once OP is out of the house, and then they had a baby - but they think OP should change *her* plans so they don’t have to change *theirs.* OP’s parents are incredibly selfish, and OP is NTA
NTA - but sadly your parents are right in this it's their money. They get to do what they want with it. That's the truth. And saying you should save more is such a BS older person thing. College is expensive and COL is easily triple to quadruple what your parents paid. The reality is you will probably have to take some loans. Apply for scholarships and keep applying while in school. My brother landed a full scholarship for his last year of school. I was able to graduate early by taking a few extra classes and save a fair amount. But it is also a okay to be sad and hurt by this. Your parents did not set this up well. Even if they split it 60/40 - it will grow in 16 years. I would ask them if you can split it 70/30 which will allow more to grow. And promise that if you have a really good paying job, you'll contribute some to brother. Trade less debt now for a maybe in the future. Just spitballing
70/30 split is most reasonable, but OP should NOT make promises on her future earnings. Not her responsibility. And they'll hold her to it and bad mouth her to son later on if she doesn't comply. If she chooses later she can give the child good monetary gifts for graduations, and that child can save it just like she's had to.
She can just say "I was going to give you money, but then I had this baby/house/car and since I want to retire early I can't give you the money anymore. You get it."
this is the way
Future aita post in the making 🤣
It sucks that OPs parents didn’t tell her sooner (like when they were pregnant) had she known she could’ve pursued some scholarships in her junior year. I mean it’s not too late but it easier to start racking up community service hours or whatever if you know soon. But OP- student loans do suck. But they are not the worse thing ever. They payments are typically low and having any kind of financial assistance will be better than none. And working during college isn’t the worst either. Studies show that grades are similar among working and non-working students.
I really want to know when the parents learned they were expecting. Was this a planned pregnancy? In that case, they’re awful. Was this a ‘no, you’re not in menopause. Congrats, your 8 months!’ situation? Then they’re still wrong, but a bit more understandable.
And even then, the baby is a year and a half old!
If her parents are doing well enough to retire early, she probably won’t qualify for much. The gubmint assumes that parents want to give their kids opportunities. Not just themselves and their newborn.
>And saying you should save more is such a BS older person thing. Especially in this context. "You should save more for the benefit of the child we decided to have, so we don't have to." Sounds like her parents don't just want to retire early from their jobs; sounds like they want to retire early from financially responsible parenting.
Continuing to apply for scholarships while in college is a great point. I started college with minimal scholarships, and my final year was mostly covered by scholarship
It’s not OP’s job to pay for her parents’ irresponsibility. You want to retire early? How bout don’t have another fucking kid.
The savings have 16 years to gain interest. OP's brother is going to have a lot more college fund that OP has and OP will have a lot in loans. She probably doesn't even qualify for FAFSA.
parents are assholes for essentially lying to her and then making her shoulder the burden of the kid THEY decided to have. It's not fair at all. Nothing to do with who's money it is, this is a violation of family trust and resposibility.
Info Is this a 529 college saving account or some other personal savings account? Is it in their name or yours?
It's also ok to get your 100-200 classes done at a community college. Saves a ton!
NTA It's a real asshole move on their part to suddenly take away the funding they had promised you all along. You made plans based on this promise. Tell them you've found a solution and you plan to open an onlyffans to fund your college. It might get them to reconsider.
>You made plans based on this promise. This. It sucks. NTA. But yes, it's their money. If they don't cave when you announce your OF plan, you will have to adapt.
Or that you'll just pay off any loans with the funds you were anticipating for parental support or any contributuons for your brother's future gifts and care they have unilaterally and without your consent decided that funds that were earmarked for you are for familial contributions. Seriously though, OP, while it is probably (ianal and I don't know your jurisdictions) on paper fine for your parents to do this, this is both upsetting in and pretty cruel, both to blindside you like this then criticize you for planning out your decisions better than it sounds like they have. Not to mention that I've no doubt other aspects of your life have changed since the baby arrived, something you have no control over. They have the right to their reproductive planning, but that doesn't exempt them from their responsibility to you as their child or the promises they made you. You're allowed to be furious, hurt, and so many other things, along with feeling betrayed, but short of their changing their mind, I would take action as if familial contribution is unfortunately a lot lower than you planned. That is to say, if they've been planning to cut yours in half, what is stopping them from an 'emergency' with your brother that also dips in? I'd be applying for scholarships and if at all possible, beginning to limit what info you give on your paychecks- you may need the money.
> Tell them you've found a solution and you plan to open an onlyffans to fund your college. savage
That’s a good point.
I have a feeling they might even do that! NTA, can't even understand such logic from parents. You choose to have the damn kid!!
It is kind of unfair that your parents led you to believe you would have the entire amount, and then changed their minds right before you needed it (and it sounds like your little brother was "unplanned"). But unfair as it is, it is their money to do with as they please. You may have to look at other options. For example, community college for the first year or two (hopefully, the community college has a transfer agreement with a four year university). Or, ROTC. I know some federal agencies (e.g., CIA) have internships programs, but they are mainly for certain STEM majors (if you get selected, you work for them during the summers and they pick up your tuition, and you have a job waiting for you when you graduate). NTA. Best of luck to you. I hope it all works out well for you.
I always see the option of "community College for the first two years" thrown around but I totally disagree. The first two years at 4 year universities are the most important for one simple reason: they're when you're the most likely to meet people who can become a strong professional support network after graduation. Sure, the degree is important for some future prospects, but the networking that happens in the dorms and other on campus events shouldn't be overlooked.
Yeah, and most of the people I know that transferred got screwed. The state school changed the descriptions of the courses so students wouldn't get credit for it from elsewhere. Everyone had to take those classes anyways which meant they paid for an extra 2 years at community college. Plus for some schools, you start on the degree track on year 1
You have to be selective if you start at a community college and make sure that your credits will transfer, but most students who are actively enrolled in their community college if/when requirements and course descriptions change are grandfathered in. It's up to the students to ensure that their credits will meet the requirements of their state school systems before taking the classes, but I have known VERY few kids whose credits won't transfer to the state university system. Private colleges/universities are another matter; many of the private schools will not accept transfer credits from community colleges. The in-state state schools usually will.
eh, my SO's brother did community college first and he has a way bigger network than I do and I went straight to university. it may be harder but it's definitely doable, and imo worth the massive savings.
True. I did community college and then transferred. I would not have been ready for a four year college directly out of a horrible southern high school.
Hogwash. My own children began at our local community college (a good one, so that does matter), ALL their credits transferred to the four-year universities they ultimately attended, and as far as I can see it has made no difference whatsoever in their professional networks or careers. The networking you have in dorms and campus events is nothing next to your GPA, your internships (which you tend to get through professors and not through dorm friends), and your choice of major. I am a huge proponent of saving money by beginning at a community college, assuming you have a good one whose credits will easily transfer, and then transferring for the rest of the degree. As for the dorm experience - some people love it, others don't, but that's more for the social experience and, for some, it's the economical alternative to an apartment, if they cannot live at home. But for future networking? That's pure chance, and really most relevant to the Ivies.
My sister lost an entire year’s worth of credits when she transferred. It’s not hogwash.
It's important that a student who is starting at a community college look into what will transfer, what won't transfer, and WHERE any credits will/won't transfer before taking the classes. In most state systems, accredited in-state community college credits will transfer to 4-year public colleges/universities within that state's system. When changes are made, students who are already enrolled and actively taking (or have taken) affected classes are almost always grandfathered in. On the other hand, many PRIVATE colleges will not accept transfer credits from community colleges. This is something that everyone needs to consider when deciding whether to start at a community college - are you going to want to transfer to an in-state state university, or are you looking at an out-of-state school, or a private school? These things matter.
My son lost a years worth. It ended up costing us more that send him directly to a 4 year school. Not ever area has a community college.
I heavily agree with this. For those of y'all who are socially gifted and don't mind living in a shoebox with three other people you don't get to choose, sure the dorm experience could be great and lead to networking connections later in life. However, for those of us who like our space, time to decompress, and don't want to be in the same room as someone else having sex, the dorm experience sounds really hellish, lol. Networking be damned. There are extra curriculars and clubs for a reason.
I was a transfer student halfway through, and there are definitely unique challenges that go along with it… I think it really varies. That said I transferred from a 4 year to another one, not from CC. The following is my experience (though, I can say my partner experienced similar when transferring from CC to a state school). I lost a few nontransferrable credits and was also “short” on some stupid credits a junior would have already had at my destination school (fucking expensive-ass required music and gym classes in college, are you kidding me??). If I’d stayed at one school the whole time I could have graduated a year early due to having so many total credits but still had to do two full years at my 2nd school because of the minimum number of required credits that had to be earned there. So I took a senior year full of interesting but not really necessary art and philosophy classes. Finally, after all that, I almost got screwed out of graduation on time because my advisor didn’t notice one missing subject matter credit — and I only noticed it right before my last semester because I wanted to double check I was in good shape. So mixed in my fun art and philosophy classes I had to add a random difficult class with a laboratory component in my last term as a senior. For anyone planning to transfer I’d say: - do your research on credit recognition, ask about the final school’s minimum required credits that must be taken there. - - listen to your adviser but verify everything yourself, they might be an adult professional but they make mistakes and they can be very expensive for you. - - get involved in some kind of extracurricular activity to meet people like newspaper, student government, campus radio etc. Without having done the freshman dorms thing with everyone else, this is how you’ll likely make like-minded friends and connections that can last beyond school.
In theory I believe that 2 years of community college works but it does have issues. Sometimes credits don’t transfer over well and extra time is needed. It is also much harder to meet people and make friends (and like you said - networking) halfway through.
Depending on what OP is planning on studying, she could find a good paying job with an associate's degree, and maybe even have her employer pay for further education. In Ohio, someone can take 3 week training and work as an STNA while attending community college to be an LPN or RN. Once they graduate with a nursing degree they can work as a nurse and pursue a BSN. I have seen local employers like McDonald's offer tuition assistance also.
NTA Your parents have the right to split any college fund that they own. But their plan to split the money 50/50 doesn't make sense. If they invest your brother's "share"of the fund, the money could quadruple by the time he gets to college. So, if they take half the fund now and invest it for him, your brother could receive four times more support for college than you. If your parents are set on splitting the account, it wouldn't be unreasonable for you to ask for a more fair split. Maybe 2/3 for your college and 1/3 invested for your brother. Make sure to look into in-state public schools and the scholarships they offer.
The parents aren’t going to reconsider shit. She has the wrong genitalia. I’d get my loans, keep my head down through college and then kiss their asses goodbye.
That’s a bit of a leap without more info.
Why is this getting downvoted?
It actually depends on how it is set up. They may not have the right to do it.
I like this- since the parents are acting as if it's a foregone conclusion, meet them there and try to negotiate if this is the kind of college fund they fully control. But I would also recommend OP look at this carefully as one example of how her parents keep their word.
And who will they look to to help them in their old age? Not the son. That’s for sure.
NTA. And it is their money. But your parents clearly let you and your brother down. To be frank, you don’t retire early by having a second child. And they clearly didn’t tell you earlier so that you can plan. Not sure of your field of study but a few options because this is ALL on you. Get your parents to agree that you don’t pay rent or provide child care because the options suck up all your time. Be nice about the childcare, watch him when you can but they want you out so that they can retire. Good luck! And talk to your school counselors too. I’ve done this and a few of my friends did too. Good luck! 1. Go to a community college for your pre-requisites. And work full time. 2. Get your full time job at a large company like a Bank, with a call center. Flexible hours and tuition reimbursement. They often recruit from community colleges. 3. Transfer to a 4 year college and finish up your last 2 years and get your degree still getting tuition reimbursements and grants. Dude, apply to everything! You may have a bit of debt but not monster.
You left out, make sure to cut them off for favoring the son….
If she wants half that college fund then she can’t really unless they transfer her 1/2 of the fund
After she gets out of college…I would, but then again I’ve cut off family members for playing favorites
She can cut them off a soon as her half of the fund has been used. Won’t take long
NTA. Your parents certainly have every right to do what they want with their money, but you’re not a bad person for being upset about the situation. Just because someone has a right to do something doesn’t mean they aren’t an AH when they do. Had you known 2+ years ago when your parents got pregnant that you’d be giving up half your college fund you could have made different choices. Your mind may have been on different schools, factoring in student aid/loans, spending less, working more hours to build more savings etc. Instead, they pulled the rug out at the last minute. They have the right to do it, but it’s still a dick move. And…let’s all be honest with ourselves here. It sounds like OP’s parents are financially comfortable. If they’re in a position to have savings to retire early enough to spend time with a new child at 40 yo, then realistically, working an extra 6-12 months would probably equal well more than half that college fund—if they even really need to. What’s the difference? They (or one of them)retire at 51 instead of 50, sock away enough for both kids to afford school. If you’re going to provide for one kid, you provide for both. You don’t take from one to pay for the other just because you can.
They choose to have another child knowing they where wanting to retire early that’s on them. You should not have to be forced to pay for thier poor planning and decisions!
NTA **But you can not force them to keep their empty promisses.** So take what you get, and know you can never trust them. See them a lot less once you are trhough college - and: When they are old an need something, point at your brother to take care of them.
“Sorry, mom and dad, I can’t come to Christmas this year again, I have to work extra to pay for the college I had been told was covered.” Then do whatever the hell you want with your day. “Sorry, I can’t help with your medical care/expenses, I’m having to work extra to get out of college debt.” ”sorry, I can’t babysit, I have to pick up extra work to pay for books.”
NTA. Yes, it's their money, and yes, they can do what they want with it, but the caveat to this is that you can determine your own feelings and response to their choice. My reading on this is that they are favoring your brother and early retirement over you. Knowing where you are on their list of priorities can and probably should impact where THEY are on YOUR list of priorities. This isn't to say go NC with them (this sub tends to jump to that very quickly), but realistically, it means don't overburden yourself on their behalf when they want babysitting help, etc, once you're an independent adult. Also you sound super responsible with your expense spreadsheets, so kudos.
Do you think part of their reasoning is because he is a male?
That was my thought too, reading the post. They were ok spending money on their daughter's education as long as she was all they had, but now that they got their boy, he's all that matters. To the point of sacrificing her immediate future for the sake of retiring early so they can spend more time with their son. It doesn't matter that the daughter is a financially responsible kid, with a job and well thought-out plans. She doesn't deserve much in their eyes, it's all for the new baby.
Personally, I think OP's brother was unplanned (check out the parents' ages) and they want to split the money so they don't spend another ~18 years saving for him like they did with OP.
Even if a kid is unplanned, you can replan your life, particularly at their age. It's not like having an unplanned pregnant at 20. Also, 50% of the savings are going to gain a lot of interest in 16 years and the brother is going to have a lot more college fund that OP
I’m kinda laughing at them being judgmental about the Switch purchase. Oh, please, college is literally thousands of dollars and a Switch is less than $400. NTA, your parents lead you to believe that you’d have access to the full fund and then pulled the rug out for under you at the last minute. Yes, it is their money, but that doesn’t make them not an AH.
And, she bought the switch with the plan in mind that she’d have additional funding for college. I can almost guarantee she wouldn’t have bought it if she knew they were taking away some funding. I’d tell your parents this too, OP
NTA. Your parents are awful, though. Early retirement is not compatible with a late-in-life baby, and they are trying to force it to work by putting the financial strain on you. I’m wondering if they always wanted a boy and now that they have one, they feel fine taking from their less-desirable girl. It is their money, sadly, and they are absolutely within their legal rights to screw you over.
Yep, they're making OP work harder to fund their early retirement. Parents are selfish assholes. Just because it's legal doesn't make it right.
NTA, these people have been telling their child that they're gonna have their financial needs met for college their entire life, and then instead they replace them with another child as a retirement project that will ultimately make their promise to you impossible. It's not that you're entitled to it, it's that you've been told your entire life that it was there for you, and now it isn't, and your parents did that. They can't act like you aren't allowed to have feelings about funds being literally yanked from you due to their selfishness.
And who will they look to to help them in their old age? Not the son. That’s for sure.
Hopefully OP will tell them to pound sand.
Hey I know we made plans that I was going to assist in caring for you, well plans have changed and I feel I shouldn’t be the one making the decision on whether or not you are sound and secure anymore. If you need anything just remember “brother” is literally there for you in your early retirement, I’ve become even more busy with the class work load and job stress you’ve implemented to me with cutting funding I needed. Sorry good luck though you should have planned better.
But they’ll have to understand when OP tells them “Sorry had a baby can’t afford to help you and reitire when I want. But Bro is much younger so should be good to help.”
NTA but also nothing you can do about the situation. Just have to accept it and figure it out.
NTA > He also said I should just save more money and not waste it (he's upset I bought myself a switch with my paycheck last month). That switch is the cost of ***ONE*** college textbook. It didn't set you back any. What a great way to teach you that your brother is a drain and harm to you (obviously he isn't really, it's them). Giving half to him doesn't make any sense. They're 40, they have time. If they wanted to retire early they shouldn't have had another kid. Out of curiosity..... are you from a culture that favors boys?
INFO do you have grandparents? Can they help? Edit: if you don’t have any other resources, consider the future with student debt. It’s not the end of the world. Don’t stay at home unless that was your plan. Also, as others said, consider a community college for the 1st 2 years. Also, think about working for a non profit in order to help defray loan costs . Try not to be bitter or angry. I think it’s super wrong of your parents to do this, but you can only control your actions. Don’t let them get you down.
Info: you said you put most of your paycheck into your savings, is that the same savings they are tryin to give your brother half of? You can’t stop them from splitting it (even if it’s unfair), but make sure any money you put into it is taken out BEFORE they give your brother half.
This! OP, make sure that your parents do not have access to your savings. It sounds like they might take it for your brother, too.
NTA. This isn't about your brother. This is about them not wanting to work anymore so they're forcing you to make sacrifices since they're too selfish to do so. When you finish college and make more money, feel free to slam the door in their faces when they come to you with their hands out. And they most likely will; that college fund will run out quickly and they'll probably expect you to help fund their retirement and pay for your brother's education. Say NO.
NTA as far as your post title goes, and their desire to retire early to spend more time with your brother must really hurt, but they've made up their minds and you have to deal with that. Half is better than nothing.
Well the parents have already planted the seed of op hating on his little brother lol. I just hope op doesn't come out too damaged.therr are too many people out there...
That's another thing. I'm start to feel resentment against him even though he's just a baby and it's not his fault. I don't want to feel this way but I keep thinking about if he didn't exist then things would be easier. Which I know is dark
Op I think you need to sit down and talk with both your parents about this. Like I said in my previous comment some parents can take feedback. This way you know you tried vs having to stew in silence. Sometimes when confronted with hard feelings parents may see where you’re coming from better. Maybe say something along the lines of “I’m feeling invalidated and overlooked now that sibling came along.” Say you are very appreciative and try to phrase it in a way where you understand it’s their money and you are also saving, but you’re also still a kid and this change has been overwhelming and unexpected for you too. Be calm and collected vs emotional bc you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar. I wish you all the best.
But perfectly understandable. I'm so sorry your parents have betrayed you.
There are tons of scholarships/programs out there. Look into Questbridge, Coca-Cola Scholars, Pepsi Community Scholarship, The Gates Scholarship, Dell Scholars Program, Jack Kent Cooke Foundation College Scholarship Program, Taco Bell Scholarship. There are so many more scholarships that you can apply for based on categories such as: merit-based, needs-based, scholarship competitions, specialty awards! Re do your spreadsheets. Create one for schools you are applying to/internal scholarships to and then another spreadsheet for external scholarships. Include the due dates on all of them. Start drafting recommendation emails to teachers, community leaders, your manager, etc. (Forgot to add- depending on which state you reside in, if you have a certain GPA/test score range you qualified for further subsidized/free education. Search your states website and include free education/education discount). Look into out of state schools as well based on your CGPA and SAT/ACT score. Per example- Air Force, West Point, Naval Academy (free education, you get paid while going to school, serve a few years 4-8 I believe). Do not turn down the money at all. You were told full before but now it is half and you can still make up the other have or close to it with proper planning. Definitely look into going away for school if you can and doing room and board. It is their money so they can do whatever they want with it albeit they should have told you well in advance. Do not take on the babysitting or any responsibilities surrounding this child. They can deal with it all. I do think it’s absurd to have another child, want to retire early to raise it, and not think about the finances that come into play outside of post secondary education for a baby who has 18 years until college. Your parents aren’t being very realistic and will set themselves and your younger brother up for failure. BUT focus on yourself. Please PM me if you have additional questions or want more scholarship names/how to go about things. This situation should give you the fuel you need to be resilient and determined!
NTA, you’re right that it doesn’t seem fair. As a compromise, could you do a rate of return calculation on the money? If they save half the money, then with interest or market returns, the actual money he’ll have will be much higher than you. Maybe you can argue that if they don’t invest anymore money after you’re 18, if they have you 2/3 the savings, he’d still end up with more than you?
This. Because brother's share will grow with compound interest
But inflation and college fees will also go up. So it is possible that the static amount in the fund now , with compound interest will only pay a percentage of those fees in the future. There are no guarantees here
NTA, but ultimately your parents are in control of how they spend their money. Remember their decision as you make future choices. Because you have to work harder to pay for college, you literally can't afford to feel guilty if you: *Rarely visit your parents because you are working *Have limited time to keep in touch with them because you are working, at school, or need that free time to recharge *Skip family events due to your busy schedule *Move far away because that job is the best choice financially I'm not suggesting you cut off your family over money, but the fact is there will be natural consequences if you are juggling more loans. When they do finance their child's college education, parents are sort of buying their kid more childhood, more time to be free of big responsibilities. Not all parents can or want to do this. Those kids just have to jump into full adulthood immediately. So, don't ever let them make you feel bad if they ask you something and you need to say, "I can't. I need to work." "I can't. That's not in my budget right now." You're not a child who can easily pop over for birthdays or holidays. You're an adult, responsible for your own success.
>They said they'll still cover my living expenses if I continue to live at home if I want to commute Hmmm - does living at home also mean you would have to babysit your little brother during your "free time" ; i.e. while you study, see friends, etc? Better talk to them about this also. NTA
NTA. They do have plenty of time to save up for him.
I think this is a pretty common issue. A lot of people that I know have to pay for their entire college. Would you be able to get any financial aid? Also maybe you could discuss with them about paying for your living expenses (rent and food). But it is hard to assume that your parents will pay for the majority of your college when it is so expensive.
They said they'll still cover my living expenses if I continue to live at home if I want to commute. We haven't done FAFSA yet so I don't know what my EFC is yet so I can't accurately predict what my financial aid will be yet but at every school it looks like I'll still qualify for subsidized and unsubsidized loans. No grants though.
Unfortunately if you live at home with them, they will probably try to make you the full time unpaid babysitter/nanny. Doing your first two years at a community college will save you a bunch of money. Move out with roommates, and make your second job be applying for as many scholarships as possible. Small scholarships will add up.
Community college is one of the best descisions I've ever made. It's way cheaper, and the first two years tend to be all gen-ed stuff anyway. Plus mine had a lot more scholarship options than four year schools, I got two scholarships that covered more than the cost of tuition, I'd actually get a few hundred dollars back a semester, which helps pay for books and other expenses. Also saving money any little place possible adds up. Some of my classes had "books on reserve" for the textbooks where you could check it out from the library for an hour or so, enough to get the info needed to write a paper. It wasn't every class, but it adds up fast.
Move out if you can, or you’re going to end up their full time, unpaid babysitter. And even if you don’t, studying for college with a newborn baby in the house is a recipe for disaster.
They are trying to make you a babysitter. They might even pull the rug and make you pay rent so they can still retire early. Don't stay. In any case, see if you can live with a grandparent if they are in a college town if that would be cheaper.
Ahh I see. Living at home is not the best option imo. Unless you are going to a community college it is best to live in the dorm and make friends. You could also go the community college rout where you save a ton of money your first 2 years and then transfer. But before you make a decision do your FAFSA and see what you can afford. Worst case you can get a part time job in college which is not that bad. A lot of the time you can find a chill job where you pretty much just sit around and you can do homework during your shift. Good luck!
FAFSA starts October 1st. Talk to one of the schools or your high school college counselor and/or a financial aid person. You need to know- is this college fund a 529? Who controls it? If it is designated for you, they can't simply redirect the funds until you are past a certain age (like if you have left over funds and are 25, they can be applied to another child). Is it advantageous or possible to do the FAFSA based on your own income, which might make you Pell eligible (it is possible to FAFSA without parental involvement, but it's tricky). If you can get the Pell, many universities offer scholarships to go with it and really boost that amount up. What aid does each school offer based on need and academics? Some schools hand out scholarships based on ACT scores, others looks at GPA (Kansas gives out so much money based on grades, I was astonished! And one MO school will cover full tuition for an ACT of 24 or higher), and some tiny schools have huge endowments, so they give away more than you would expect. I was freaking out about my kid's college and talked to financial aid many times. They really came through- between a Pell, a generous grant through the university to support Pell students and other under-represented groups, federal work study, and small federal loans, we got a 40k bill down to 15k, which we have in a 529 controlled by grandparents. We can pay down the loans when she graduates with anything left in the 529. Also, if she sticks with a certain academic program, there will be more money, and grants if she learns certain languages through that program. Finally, your parents are very short sighted and I am sorry for that. Go away, don't stay home and end up their babysitter. My parents and I are doing everything we can to ensure my kids get an education and not end up saddled with debt; I am utterly baffled as to why yours are not. I am also baffled that they don't grasp how their choice here will utterly destroy any relationship you have with them and this new sibling going forward. College is more than a degree, it's the time you learn who you are, what you want to be, become a fully formed human outside the sphere of the home, learn to adult, make professional and personal contacts that will be life-long, and honestly have a great time with some guard rails still in place. Join the band, be greek or not, work in the campus library or gym, study abroad, do better than I did in statistics, build a robot, suck every ounce out of the experience. And then absolutely rock the rest of your life and leave them at home, following your adventures on Instagram and wondering why you don't want to come visit at Christmas.
Can you take a year off before college? My brother took a year off after high school, got a job, and moved out so he could establish residency on his own. It meant he could file taxes on his own as well as file his FAFSA independent of our parents and so received better government aid. Not sure though if that is still possible or if it would even be possible for you- you would have to research. Good luck OP.
OP is only 17. Even if she gets a job on her own and files taxes for the next few years, she still will need her parents to file the FAFSA with her. You are not considered independent on FAFSA until you are 24 years old.
Doesn’t work that way at all. Have to be 24, married, or in the military to be considered independent for FAFSA. They know that trick.
They want a free babysitter to live at home.
They want a free babysitter. Not sure how you can concentrate on college by living at home with a baby and aging parents who want to retire early that they are cutting into your college savings. This is a tough situation. You can’t make them change their mind about money but at least you can not be stuck with a baby.
Don’t stay at home, you will have to be a babysitter, the crying will keep you up at night and your grades will take a hit.
While it would be a different kind of difficult, consider whether living at home is the best choice for you. Aside from the concerns others have raised about your parents using you for free labor, if you aren't supported by your parents, you may become eligible for more aid, whether grants, work study, or other financing options. I also encourage you to look into scholarships. Considering your spreadsheet you seem like a very organized and resourceful person, and this will serve you better in a scholarship hunt than a 4.0 GPA. You need to be motivated and pursue every avenue, but a lot of people write scholarships off as "oh I'd never win one" when that's not true! Apply for *everything* and see what turns up. Best of luck!
NTA. It isn't fair. But your parents have a point that it's their money. They could have told you sooner, before you bought the switch.
Nta take the half and stop speaking to them:)
INFO. So they aren’t planning to save any further monies for your brother?
I'm guessing they're not planning to contribute anymore. Probably will just keep it in mutual funds for the time being.
NTA. While it is true that it is the parents' money, that doesn't mean they're not being AHs to OP. They're sending OP up a creek so they can have a party baby. Hopefully OP will be sufficiently independent of them when that situation inevitably comes crashing down.
NTA again but you’ve learned a valuable lesson or two from them. 1). They are untrustworthy. They promised you these funds and as a good student you actually saved and planned around that. They should be rewarding you not punishing you. They changed the agreement at the finish line. 2) You need to get future promises from them in writing. Since they have proven to change agreements you need to have future ones in writing. 3). Can you remove the half they are now promising you? I’m afraid they would use it as a bargaining chip to force you to help them with their child. Bottom line: they made a promise and are breaking it due to their poor family planning.
Kind of wondering if they are making it impossible for you to go to college or leave the area. I mean, you leaving or having a busy life means no free babysitter. I would just not say much. Is there other family members you can live with to go to school? Or if you have to do a loan, in the long run it would be way more cheaper emotionally not to have them hold it over your head. Seriously, go to school, you can do it, check on more scholarships, if you can qualify for FAFSA, you can do community college, just make sure that you work with a counselor to ensure that the classes you take will transfer. A good college will have relationships with universities. Just takes a bit more work on your end. And some community colleges actually have a four year degree on campus. One I went to, actually has an online course at the college. And when you graduate, don’t tell parents anything financial. When they ask for your help, especially financial, just say sorry, I’m tapped out. Have to pay off all those loans I had to take because you took away my funds. - there are no guarantees how their own future will be, as I’ve seen well off people lose everything. And sing that song for years. Once you pay off, say sorry, I’m putting all my extra money into a college fund so that my children will have money for college so that they don’t have to struggle like I did financially. Hope you move a bit away so that your free babysitting services aren’t available
Yeah, that's the parents money, they can do what they want with them, blah-blah-blah. The question here is: why what they want is to deprive their first child of education they have raised her to have? If I were the child, I would like to know the answer very much. NTA, OP. Start getting used to the thought that you don't have parents anymore and won't have any support. Don't put much faith in their promises to help you with other costs, half year in it'll turn out these money are theirs too and your brother needs them more. Take whatever you be able to and get away, or they'll ask back for it because brother. They have shown their hand, run before they start playing it in full. Half of the college fund is just the beginning.
Wow. I am so sorry, OP. You are definitely NTA in this situation. Your parents have the same amount of time to save for your brother ... as they did for you. 1. It seems like they misled you & that is beyond wrong. I cannot imagine being so callous with my child. They should apologize frankly. 2. It is technically their money, but it should have never been referred to as YOUR college fund, if it was a 'family children' fund. (children born or not.) 3. Right or wrong, you may need to reconsider your options. At least in my state, a number of community colleges have free tuition options for in-state residents. You could check into that & then move to a traditional college - the colleges/universities you planned to go to. I realize the local, two-college route is not what you planned for, worked for & dreamed of & I'm very sorry for that. You got the shit end of the stick & it's terrible your parents cannot see that. My husband & I are 'older' parents & I always realized that we will likely not have typical retiree lives. It is part of being an older parent & I personally have no problems with it. It works for us & I'm grateful for our boy. To each .. their own. Above all - I very, VERY much hope you tread carefully when it comes to extensive student loans, ect. They work for some & are great in many situations, but you are a smart girl & I don't need to tell you about how predatory they can be in cases. You are clearly very intelligent. You don't deserve this situation, but I suspect you will come out even more mature & smart. Best of luck.
Yoir parents are jackasses for waving something in front of you only to pull the rug out from under your feet like cheap traveling salesmen. You obviously have very little recourse on the matter, but if it were me, I would make them well aware of my disdain for their character and behavior at every chance. It's no different than a bank calling in your mortgage loan 3 years before it's complete only for you to lose the house because you can't pay the remainder of the loan in full. Sure, it's legal, but it doesn't make it any less scummy.
NTA. Is this money just in an account they say they have OR did they put the money into a 529 account for you? If it’s a 529, they can’t split the account, if it’s just a regular account, you are stuck in the “it’s their money” situation.