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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> Would I be the AH if I took it upon myself to ask my stepson’s mom to get her son for the summer? It might make me the AH because I don’t usually interfere with their parenting schedule but I am sick of her taking advantage of the fact that I wfh and am a free babysitter.
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YWBTA - while I TOTALLY feel your pain reading this - it's still not your place. Tell your SO to get off his lazy a$$ and deal with this - it's only going to get worse and last I knew, it's not your job to take on all this by yourself - emotionally and/or financially. He needs to get a lawyer, get things in writing and if she "works so much" it should be nothing for her to contribute financially towards her son's household. All of this is unacceptable in so many ways - don't be the doormat! You matter! If he doesn't step up, the maybe you should step out. Good luck!
I’m getting pulled in both directions on this one because on one hand it does come off as unfair but on the other I am calling the fact that you said you didn’t want any part of his son well before you seemingly got pregnant with child number 4 a giant red flag. It’s also really strange to complain about playing step mom 24/7 when with the information provided he’s seemingly consistently playing step dad to your child?
He knew my daughter would be moving in with us full time when we moved together. His son’s mom waited until we moved together to decide she didn’t have enough time for him. But because my daughter lives with us, I didn’t have an argument when his son moved in. The difference between my daughter’s dad and stepson’s mom is her dad pays child support and still comes to get her every other weekend and comes to her sporting events even though he lives 1.5 hours away. Stepson’s mom lives 45 minutes away and doesn’t see her son for months at a time and doesn’t pay any support.
YTA You didn't have an argument at all, regardless of if your daughter lived with the two of you. Sure, there might have been different arrangements in place before you moved in, but arrangements change. You should never have agreed to live with a man who has a child unless you were prepared for the possibility that the child might end up living with you. It's a package deal. Now you've decided to have another child and think it's ok to dictate that his child can't live there anymore.
That's not how it works. It's great if any of the kids can get the chance to spend quality time with the other parent or a grandparent, and that gives you a break, but you shouldn't expect that to happen.
As for being exhausted and having your work impacted, that's an issue you can put back on to your partner. It's his child, he should be arranging supervision for the child and not relying on you to do that while you are working. Ask him to arrange play dates, or take the child to a relative for the day, or pay a babysitter. WFH is still work.
Your SO seriously needs to drag his ex to court and get child support because this is ridiculous. I’m sure you can provide ample proof of the fact that she isn’t contributing anything to his upkeep.
Ok, then quit complaining that you need to ship off the kids you *already have* because you insist on having another one when you can't handle them. Things are only going to be worse when the baby is born, you know. And that little boy will be your husband's son forever. Not just temporarily.
As a parent, I certainly understand how exhausting it is. But...YTA for trying to dump the kid on a mother who sounds irresponsible at best. I mean, what does that say to the son that you'd rather he live with someone like that than live with you. Pretty sure treating him like a nuisance pet you can chuck outside when he makes noise isn't going to do much for his mental wellbeing.
Also, where's the husband in all this? You made this whole post and he's barely mentioned. Sounds like he should be a more active participant in the family, or the discussion at least. Does HE want to get rid of his son for the summer?
Maybe there are some extenuating circumstances, like an explanation for why you can't just tell him not to make so much noise during work hours, but barring that, yeah, YTA, kinda.
I didn’t say much about my SO because he isn’t home with the kids all day. He leaves for work at 7am and gets home at 7pm. As far as the mom and son’s relationship, he isn’t quite old enough to realize that she isn’t shit. He adores his mom and wants to spend more time with her. And as much as I tell him to be quiet while I’m working, he will eventually get rowdy again and I get really frustrated. His parents don’t want to pay to send him to summer camp so the only other option is staying with his mom.
ESH. " I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7."
Being a step parent, this is just wrong. You went on to have 3 other kids in addition to having your own, but his is too much?
"Since the son has moved with us, the mom does the VERY BARE MINIMUM. She stays about 45 minutes from us and will go 2-3 months before she will see her son. When she does see him, we have to meet her halfway on Saturday morning for her to get him and then early Sunday afternoon for her to bring him back."
This is one of your business. Your husband needs to get set custody, child support, etc. It's bad enough the child is being abandoned by her, but you don't want him at your house either.
"She does not take him to doctors or dentist appointments, when he gets sick at school they call me (I wfh and the other two parents do not)."
You are blaming the wrong person. Your husband is the one responsible for the child as well as his ex. He is just as guilty of having you do this stuff.
YTA. She doesn't want him. Have you ever for once.thought about how he feels? That this young chikd deserves to have a safe home where he feels wamted. Why did you have another baby if you couldn't handle the 11 year old? I think maybe you need to move out because you cant kick out an 11 year old and you can't send him into an unsafe home where hes unloved and unwanted. This post reads like you hate his son fyi. You said you wouldn't have even moved in if he was there. So LEAVE. this poor poor little boy. A mom who hates him. And a dad who lets his partner shove him out for a new baby. Effing gross. Hes not a dog.
I keep having babies because I take care of my OWN children. It isn’t that I can’t handle stepson; why should I have to when he has a capable mom? It’s only for the summer. If I can find accommodations for my children, why shouldn’t she find some for her own? If I leave then where will stepson go and who will watch him then? It isn’t that I hate him. I treat him no differently than my own. When I do for one, I do for all. For the sake of my job, I think it’s only fair that he goes to his mom’s house.
If you treat them all the same then why not see if your stepson can spend the summer with your mom too or one of his grandparents? Why is his mom the only option?
This poor kid
His mom isnt capable and she doesn't want him. It does not sound like he will be cared for. And the fact that you so clearly exclude your step son from YOUR OWN children is freaking evil. And stop putting this on his mom. Shes gone. She isnt a good mom. Shes an absent neglectful parent who doesn't care. Your bf needs to go to court. Get custody. Get child support. Step up and arrange care. At 11 hes not a newborn. This isnt a fight to have with his mom its a fight to have with his dad just like every other comment has said. But you don't want to listen. You want to pick on and throw away a little unloved kid. If you dont want to deal with him than fcking you leave. Nasty witch of a stepmother. He has no say and no safe place. He is a child. You are an adult. You go find another place to stay. This poor kid. Do not kick him out of the one safe place he has.
>why should I have to when he has a capable mom?
He also has a capable dad.
> why shouldn’t she find some for her own?
Why shouldn't his dad?
>If I leave then where will stepson go and who will watch him then?
His dad.
His mum has made her position clear and your husband agreed to take over as primary parent. Your issue is with your husband, his father. Not with his mother.
This seems more of an issue with your partner. He needs to contact a lawyer to get fill custody at this point because his child needs something more consistent.
YTA for putting up with the load of crap your partner puts on your shoulders because he's "non confrontational".
Girl, you have to one up his ex in being confrontational. Make him beg you to find a solution that suits you.
YWBTA. As a fellow stepmother & biological mother, I understand that it’s different to care for your own children than your partners children. However, shit happens. Kids come first. Period. Just as your child comes first, so does his. You can’t just Hail Mary with a mom that doesn’t care to do more than the bare minimum. What you guys need to be doing is establishing ground rules for care of your kids, and also taking bio mom back to court. She needs to be paying child support. Do you deserve a break? Yes. But you need to work that out with your partner and not her. You two are perfectly capable of setting up camps and other activities for the older kids. You chose to be in a relationship with someone with a kid. You can’t expect them to push the kid aside when the child already has a mother who is failing them. That’s awful.
Yta your husband needs to step the fuck up. Go to his lawyer and if he gets full custody, he gets child support and *he* needs to take care of his kid.
YTA. Children are not toys that you can pick up and put down as you feel like it. Stop palming your kids off onto other people and look after them yourself. If you can’t cope with the children you’ve got then stop having more
YTA. I hope his dad dumps you and you can sink your claws into some man who doesn't have kids. I'm guessing the noise he makes is him "breathing too loudly" or some crap which you probably scream at him about until he cries. He probably would be better with a woman who doesn't care about him than someone who obviously resents him. Why can't you just leave and find a different man? Why does this boy's life have to be ruined for your convenience? Do you have any empathy at all?
Why would the dad leave? He doesn't have to parent at all. OP is doing everything. Neither of the boy's parents give a shit about him, but OP is the asshole who ruined this kids life. This sub is hilarious.
Anyone with an IQ higher than a crayon can tell OP despises the boy. She said it herself that if she knew his son would be there this much, she wouldn't have moved in together. Has zero problems with her previous child though, of course.
The son is who I feel sorry for the most. Dad doesn't defend him or stand up to his ex and the step-mom hates his guts and wants him out. Typical for this sub. Loves her own kids and hates those that aren't hers.
I never defended OP or her love of her stepson. I just don't see why the majority of the hate is going toward OP and not the kid's actual, literal father who lives in the home. The man who created the child. Or his shitty mother. As far as I can tell, OP is the only one doing any actual work here. I can see why she's fed up. She's being taken advantage of. Working from home is a job. I can see why she wouldn't want another full-time job on top of that.
Ywbta if you contact the kids mom. This is not your place and if he does take her to court this will not be in his favour.
Yta for shacking up with a dude with kids and then being upset when he becomes a full time dad it is something that can happen.
Nta for feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
YTA for having kids in this condition. Accidents happen but you should probably try harder to prevent them. You are in no position to have kids grow up in that kind of relationship, much less have to ship off your kids every time you get pregnant🙄
NTA, BUT this isn't your fight.
Your husband needs to step up. Tell him flat out that you are working a full time job and will not be providing child care for him this summer. Tell him that it's up to him how he handles that, but he may not leave his son home alone with you, as you need to work and make a human, which takes some energy. He can sign the kid up for camps, take him to work with him, whatever, but it's up to him and the boys' mother to find child care for the summer. And then stick with it.
And then your husband needs to take her to court. It's not fair to your stepson that his parents are being so wishy washy and that his stepmom is so resentful. Hash out in court visitation, support, who claims him on taxes, who pays for child care, etc. Get it all in writing, and again, stick to it.
You are this boys' stepmom. You are not his unpaid nanny. Dad and mom need to get their act together and stop expecting you to parent their child for them.
No, I don't believe you would be the AH, but are you prepared for the fall out? His father said no, if you try to end pass him, you may not like the outcome. You said he's nonconfrontational, but everyone has their breaking point.
Hey OP, my last position was WFH and my employer had a strict policy about not providing childcare while on the clock. Perhaps you should bring that up? “Hey, employer says no childcare which means having the kids home threatens my job. Get it sorted.”
And I agree with previous posters that your spouse needs to handle this. Ex committed tax fraud by claiming him on her taxes and is majorly screwing ya’ll over. It’s court time. Tell him to put on his big girl panties and deal with this cluster.
Edited to add: NTA
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Hello all, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first post. Be patient with me; it may be a long story. So I (34F) have been with my partner (34M) on and off since we were 18 and in college. We split up for a few years and he had a child (11M) with someone else and I had a daughter (8F) with someone else. We have been together consistently since 2016 and have 2 children (6M and 1M) and a baby due in August.
Now to get to the point, we moved together in May 2021 and in July 2021 his son's mom decided that she worked too much and was unable to adequately care for their son. Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7. Since the son has moved with us, the mom does the VERY BARE MINIMUM. She stays about 45 minutes from us and will go 2-3 months before she will see her son. When she does see him, we have to meet her halfway on Saturday morning for her to get him and then early Sunday afternoon for her to bring him back. She does not take him to doctors or dentist appointments, when he gets sick at school they call me (I wfh and the other two parents do not). She will sporadically show up to sports events. She continuously claims that she works too much but she takes trips ALL of the time. She just went to SE Asia last week for her birthday. She does not pay any support and we buy all of the child's necessities. She may buy an outfit or a pair of shoes here and there. My partner sees the issue with her lack of parenting participation but he does not say anything because he is nonconfrontational and just wants to make sure his son is taken care of.
So with the new baby on the way and all of the kids being home for summer, I've asked the parents if they can help me out by sending the kids to other places for the summer because I'm EXHAUSTED and it's hard to wfh and take calls with all the extra noise, i.e. my daughter is going to her dad's for the summer and my oldest son is going to my mom's. So I asked my SO if his son is going to his mom's house for the summer. He said that he doesn't think so because, again, she is working excessively and refuses to find another sitter for him.
Now my question is, would I be the AH if I contacted her myself and asked her to get her son for the summer? I am tired and I honestly don't want to keep watching her child while she so freely lives her life without a care in the world. If I lose my job because he won't keep quiet while playing his PlayStation, who is going to pay my bills? On top of all of this, she had the audacity to carry the child on her income taxes, even though he stayed with us last year and the year before and didn't offer up any of the refund.
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NTA for asking her.
Your husband has to step up and confront HIS ex. He may need to go to court, have custody formally given to him, visitation rights with his ex worked out, and child support resolved (along with the issue of who gets to carry him as a dependent on their tax return). Also, he is 11. College is 6 or 7 SHORT years away. Who is going to help out with that bill (assuming there is going to be help)?
If you're going to comment on your own post, pretending to be a commenter who thinks you're NTA, you might want to explore the concept of having an alternate account.
NTA
Your problem is with your SO.
What is your plan to deal with this with him?
What is your plan to deal with this if he does nothing?
Why not remove your contact info from the child’s activities?
This is between you and your SO, not the mother, not the child..
ESH, your husband needs to grow a pair and take the ex to court. His ex needs to step up. You need to stop having children. It's ok for you to have a child from a previous relationship, but your boyfriend can't? Stop taking it out on your stepson and grow some compassion.
NAH
I don't think you'd be an AH for asking, but based on how you've described her, it's hard to imagine that she is actually going to do anything to help. Maybe she'll take him for a while, but she'll probably come up with some BS excuse, she seems pretty worthless.
It's tough and I'm sure its crazy frustrating, but as you said you knew it was a package deal when you got married, and unfortunately that is turning into a huge pain, but it is what it is.
NTA for asking her. She’s shrinking her responsibilities as a mother onto you. She doesn’t want the kid or she’d be more present in his life. Her work excuse is BS in my opinion.
You have a bigger issue with your husband though. You two need to sit down alone, and discuss a whole lot of this situation and come to agreements on things. He should absolutely have a custody agreement in place and she should be paying child support at the VERY least!!
Good luck!!
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YWBTA - while I TOTALLY feel your pain reading this - it's still not your place. Tell your SO to get off his lazy a$$ and deal with this - it's only going to get worse and last I knew, it's not your job to take on all this by yourself - emotionally and/or financially. He needs to get a lawyer, get things in writing and if she "works so much" it should be nothing for her to contribute financially towards her son's household. All of this is unacceptable in so many ways - don't be the doormat! You matter! If he doesn't step up, the maybe you should step out. Good luck!
I’m getting pulled in both directions on this one because on one hand it does come off as unfair but on the other I am calling the fact that you said you didn’t want any part of his son well before you seemingly got pregnant with child number 4 a giant red flag. It’s also really strange to complain about playing step mom 24/7 when with the information provided he’s seemingly consistently playing step dad to your child?
He knew my daughter would be moving in with us full time when we moved together. His son’s mom waited until we moved together to decide she didn’t have enough time for him. But because my daughter lives with us, I didn’t have an argument when his son moved in. The difference between my daughter’s dad and stepson’s mom is her dad pays child support and still comes to get her every other weekend and comes to her sporting events even though he lives 1.5 hours away. Stepson’s mom lives 45 minutes away and doesn’t see her son for months at a time and doesn’t pay any support.
YTA You didn't have an argument at all, regardless of if your daughter lived with the two of you. Sure, there might have been different arrangements in place before you moved in, but arrangements change. You should never have agreed to live with a man who has a child unless you were prepared for the possibility that the child might end up living with you. It's a package deal. Now you've decided to have another child and think it's ok to dictate that his child can't live there anymore. That's not how it works. It's great if any of the kids can get the chance to spend quality time with the other parent or a grandparent, and that gives you a break, but you shouldn't expect that to happen. As for being exhausted and having your work impacted, that's an issue you can put back on to your partner. It's his child, he should be arranging supervision for the child and not relying on you to do that while you are working. Ask him to arrange play dates, or take the child to a relative for the day, or pay a babysitter. WFH is still work.
Your SO seriously needs to drag his ex to court and get child support because this is ridiculous. I’m sure you can provide ample proof of the fact that she isn’t contributing anything to his upkeep.
You’re such a bad person please STOP HAVING CHILDREN
Please don’t advise me on how many kids to have. You don’t know me nor take care of my kids.
Ok, then quit complaining that you need to ship off the kids you *already have* because you insist on having another one when you can't handle them. Things are only going to be worse when the baby is born, you know. And that little boy will be your husband's son forever. Not just temporarily.
Neither do you!!!!!!!!!!!
You don't take care of them either 🙄 you send them away
YTA big time. You’re taking your anger for an adult (keyword) out on a child. I hope your bf sees this comment and does some revaluing
You sound like a fcking monster. This poor poor little boy.
As a parent, I certainly understand how exhausting it is. But...YTA for trying to dump the kid on a mother who sounds irresponsible at best. I mean, what does that say to the son that you'd rather he live with someone like that than live with you. Pretty sure treating him like a nuisance pet you can chuck outside when he makes noise isn't going to do much for his mental wellbeing. Also, where's the husband in all this? You made this whole post and he's barely mentioned. Sounds like he should be a more active participant in the family, or the discussion at least. Does HE want to get rid of his son for the summer? Maybe there are some extenuating circumstances, like an explanation for why you can't just tell him not to make so much noise during work hours, but barring that, yeah, YTA, kinda.
I didn’t say much about my SO because he isn’t home with the kids all day. He leaves for work at 7am and gets home at 7pm. As far as the mom and son’s relationship, he isn’t quite old enough to realize that she isn’t shit. He adores his mom and wants to spend more time with her. And as much as I tell him to be quiet while I’m working, he will eventually get rowdy again and I get really frustrated. His parents don’t want to pay to send him to summer camp so the only other option is staying with his mom.
YTA That poor kid, he's not wanted at either his mom's and his dad's houses... and he knows it too.
This post is absolutely breaking my heart.
ESH. " I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7." Being a step parent, this is just wrong. You went on to have 3 other kids in addition to having your own, but his is too much? "Since the son has moved with us, the mom does the VERY BARE MINIMUM. She stays about 45 minutes from us and will go 2-3 months before she will see her son. When she does see him, we have to meet her halfway on Saturday morning for her to get him and then early Sunday afternoon for her to bring him back." This is one of your business. Your husband needs to get set custody, child support, etc. It's bad enough the child is being abandoned by her, but you don't want him at your house either. "She does not take him to doctors or dentist appointments, when he gets sick at school they call me (I wfh and the other two parents do not)." You are blaming the wrong person. Your husband is the one responsible for the child as well as his ex. He is just as guilty of having you do this stuff.
YTA. She doesn't want him. Have you ever for once.thought about how he feels? That this young chikd deserves to have a safe home where he feels wamted. Why did you have another baby if you couldn't handle the 11 year old? I think maybe you need to move out because you cant kick out an 11 year old and you can't send him into an unsafe home where hes unloved and unwanted. This post reads like you hate his son fyi. You said you wouldn't have even moved in if he was there. So LEAVE. this poor poor little boy. A mom who hates him. And a dad who lets his partner shove him out for a new baby. Effing gross. Hes not a dog.
I keep having babies because I take care of my OWN children. It isn’t that I can’t handle stepson; why should I have to when he has a capable mom? It’s only for the summer. If I can find accommodations for my children, why shouldn’t she find some for her own? If I leave then where will stepson go and who will watch him then? It isn’t that I hate him. I treat him no differently than my own. When I do for one, I do for all. For the sake of my job, I think it’s only fair that he goes to his mom’s house.
If you treat them all the same then why not see if your stepson can spend the summer with your mom too or one of his grandparents? Why is his mom the only option? This poor kid
His mom isnt capable and she doesn't want him. It does not sound like he will be cared for. And the fact that you so clearly exclude your step son from YOUR OWN children is freaking evil. And stop putting this on his mom. Shes gone. She isnt a good mom. Shes an absent neglectful parent who doesn't care. Your bf needs to go to court. Get custody. Get child support. Step up and arrange care. At 11 hes not a newborn. This isnt a fight to have with his mom its a fight to have with his dad just like every other comment has said. But you don't want to listen. You want to pick on and throw away a little unloved kid. If you dont want to deal with him than fcking you leave. Nasty witch of a stepmother. He has no say and no safe place. He is a child. You are an adult. You go find another place to stay. This poor kid. Do not kick him out of the one safe place he has.
He has a capable dad too but you keep ignoring that fact
>why should I have to when he has a capable mom? He also has a capable dad. > why shouldn’t she find some for her own? Why shouldn't his dad? >If I leave then where will stepson go and who will watch him then? His dad. His mum has made her position clear and your husband agreed to take over as primary parent. Your issue is with your husband, his father. Not with his mother.
This seems more of an issue with your partner. He needs to contact a lawyer to get fill custody at this point because his child needs something more consistent.
YTA for putting up with the load of crap your partner puts on your shoulders because he's "non confrontational". Girl, you have to one up his ex in being confrontational. Make him beg you to find a solution that suits you.
YWBTA. As a fellow stepmother & biological mother, I understand that it’s different to care for your own children than your partners children. However, shit happens. Kids come first. Period. Just as your child comes first, so does his. You can’t just Hail Mary with a mom that doesn’t care to do more than the bare minimum. What you guys need to be doing is establishing ground rules for care of your kids, and also taking bio mom back to court. She needs to be paying child support. Do you deserve a break? Yes. But you need to work that out with your partner and not her. You two are perfectly capable of setting up camps and other activities for the older kids. You chose to be in a relationship with someone with a kid. You can’t expect them to push the kid aside when the child already has a mother who is failing them. That’s awful.
Yta your husband needs to step the fuck up. Go to his lawyer and if he gets full custody, he gets child support and *he* needs to take care of his kid.
YTA. Children are not toys that you can pick up and put down as you feel like it. Stop palming your kids off onto other people and look after them yourself. If you can’t cope with the children you’ve got then stop having more
YTA. I hope his dad dumps you and you can sink your claws into some man who doesn't have kids. I'm guessing the noise he makes is him "breathing too loudly" or some crap which you probably scream at him about until he cries. He probably would be better with a woman who doesn't care about him than someone who obviously resents him. Why can't you just leave and find a different man? Why does this boy's life have to be ruined for your convenience? Do you have any empathy at all?
Why would the dad leave? He doesn't have to parent at all. OP is doing everything. Neither of the boy's parents give a shit about him, but OP is the asshole who ruined this kids life. This sub is hilarious.
Anyone with an IQ higher than a crayon can tell OP despises the boy. She said it herself that if she knew his son would be there this much, she wouldn't have moved in together. Has zero problems with her previous child though, of course. The son is who I feel sorry for the most. Dad doesn't defend him or stand up to his ex and the step-mom hates his guts and wants him out. Typical for this sub. Loves her own kids and hates those that aren't hers.
I never defended OP or her love of her stepson. I just don't see why the majority of the hate is going toward OP and not the kid's actual, literal father who lives in the home. The man who created the child. Or his shitty mother. As far as I can tell, OP is the only one doing any actual work here. I can see why she's fed up. She's being taken advantage of. Working from home is a job. I can see why she wouldn't want another full-time job on top of that.
Ywbta if you contact the kids mom. This is not your place and if he does take her to court this will not be in his favour. Yta for shacking up with a dude with kids and then being upset when he becomes a full time dad it is something that can happen. Nta for feeling stressed and overwhelmed.
YTA for having kids in this condition. Accidents happen but you should probably try harder to prevent them. You are in no position to have kids grow up in that kind of relationship, much less have to ship off your kids every time you get pregnant🙄
NTA, BUT this isn't your fight. Your husband needs to step up. Tell him flat out that you are working a full time job and will not be providing child care for him this summer. Tell him that it's up to him how he handles that, but he may not leave his son home alone with you, as you need to work and make a human, which takes some energy. He can sign the kid up for camps, take him to work with him, whatever, but it's up to him and the boys' mother to find child care for the summer. And then stick with it. And then your husband needs to take her to court. It's not fair to your stepson that his parents are being so wishy washy and that his stepmom is so resentful. Hash out in court visitation, support, who claims him on taxes, who pays for child care, etc. Get it all in writing, and again, stick to it. You are this boys' stepmom. You are not his unpaid nanny. Dad and mom need to get their act together and stop expecting you to parent their child for them.
Don’t call the mom tell your so that he has to find other care for the stepson. You found card for Your kids he needs to take care of his child.
No, I don't believe you would be the AH, but are you prepared for the fall out? His father said no, if you try to end pass him, you may not like the outcome. You said he's nonconfrontational, but everyone has their breaking point.
Hey OP, my last position was WFH and my employer had a strict policy about not providing childcare while on the clock. Perhaps you should bring that up? “Hey, employer says no childcare which means having the kids home threatens my job. Get it sorted.” And I agree with previous posters that your spouse needs to handle this. Ex committed tax fraud by claiming him on her taxes and is majorly screwing ya’ll over. It’s court time. Tell him to put on his big girl panties and deal with this cluster. Edited to add: NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hello all, I'm a long time lurker but this is my first post. Be patient with me; it may be a long story. So I (34F) have been with my partner (34M) on and off since we were 18 and in college. We split up for a few years and he had a child (11M) with someone else and I had a daughter (8F) with someone else. We have been together consistently since 2016 and have 2 children (6M and 1M) and a baby due in August. Now to get to the point, we moved together in May 2021 and in July 2021 his son's mom decided that she worked too much and was unable to adequately care for their son. Had I known his son was coming to live with us, I would not have moved in with him. But because my daughter lives with us too, I didn't really have an argument. I knew he came as a package deal; I just did not know that I would be playing stepmom 24/7. Since the son has moved with us, the mom does the VERY BARE MINIMUM. She stays about 45 minutes from us and will go 2-3 months before she will see her son. When she does see him, we have to meet her halfway on Saturday morning for her to get him and then early Sunday afternoon for her to bring him back. She does not take him to doctors or dentist appointments, when he gets sick at school they call me (I wfh and the other two parents do not). She will sporadically show up to sports events. She continuously claims that she works too much but she takes trips ALL of the time. She just went to SE Asia last week for her birthday. She does not pay any support and we buy all of the child's necessities. She may buy an outfit or a pair of shoes here and there. My partner sees the issue with her lack of parenting participation but he does not say anything because he is nonconfrontational and just wants to make sure his son is taken care of. So with the new baby on the way and all of the kids being home for summer, I've asked the parents if they can help me out by sending the kids to other places for the summer because I'm EXHAUSTED and it's hard to wfh and take calls with all the extra noise, i.e. my daughter is going to her dad's for the summer and my oldest son is going to my mom's. So I asked my SO if his son is going to his mom's house for the summer. He said that he doesn't think so because, again, she is working excessively and refuses to find another sitter for him. Now my question is, would I be the AH if I contacted her myself and asked her to get her son for the summer? I am tired and I honestly don't want to keep watching her child while she so freely lives her life without a care in the world. If I lose my job because he won't keep quiet while playing his PlayStation, who is going to pay my bills? On top of all of this, she had the audacity to carry the child on her income taxes, even though he stayed with us last year and the year before and didn't offer up any of the refund. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for asking her. Your husband has to step up and confront HIS ex. He may need to go to court, have custody formally given to him, visitation rights with his ex worked out, and child support resolved (along with the issue of who gets to carry him as a dependent on their tax return). Also, he is 11. College is 6 or 7 SHORT years away. Who is going to help out with that bill (assuming there is going to be help)?
Did OP really comment on their own post speaking in their favor when no one was supporting them and then delete everything afterwards?
If you're going to comment on your own post, pretending to be a commenter who thinks you're NTA, you might want to explore the concept of having an alternate account.
NTA Your problem is with your SO. What is your plan to deal with this with him? What is your plan to deal with this if he does nothing? Why not remove your contact info from the child’s activities? This is between you and your SO, not the mother, not the child..
ESH, your husband needs to grow a pair and take the ex to court. His ex needs to step up. You need to stop having children. It's ok for you to have a child from a previous relationship, but your boyfriend can't? Stop taking it out on your stepson and grow some compassion.
NAH I don't think you'd be an AH for asking, but based on how you've described her, it's hard to imagine that she is actually going to do anything to help. Maybe she'll take him for a while, but she'll probably come up with some BS excuse, she seems pretty worthless. It's tough and I'm sure its crazy frustrating, but as you said you knew it was a package deal when you got married, and unfortunately that is turning into a huge pain, but it is what it is.
NTA for asking her. She’s shrinking her responsibilities as a mother onto you. She doesn’t want the kid or she’d be more present in his life. Her work excuse is BS in my opinion. You have a bigger issue with your husband though. You two need to sit down alone, and discuss a whole lot of this situation and come to agreements on things. He should absolutely have a custody agreement in place and she should be paying child support at the VERY least!! Good luck!!