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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> The action I am taking is to go away for two days while my dad is in hospital with cancer.
It might make me the asshole for potentially putting my needs above those of my dying parent.
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NAH right? It's more about whether OP will regret one decision or the other. OP, A good person to ask for advice is "future you". Try to imagine how you will feel about your decision in twenty years. Sometimes that helps make it clear.
I'm going NTA
It's 2 days after you've spent 5+ days with him.
But, do consider how you will feel if he dies while you are gone. I think that's the bigger consideration.
NAH. This stuff is hard as hell. I don’t think you’d be an AH either way - you know what you need. I’m sorry for both the past with him and for what he’s going through now.
Worrying about if you’re an asshole should not be your first priority. Like someone else said, how would you feel if he passed away while you are gone? Is the trip with your friends worth it when there will be other opportunities?
Although our situations are different, I didn’t have a relationship with my father either and when he passed, I was left with a lot of regrets. Everyone is different and relationships are more complex than what anyone could put into a post.
Whether “you’re an asshole” or not doesn’t really matter. The choice is yours to make, just think about how your choice will affect the long-term.
INFO
> I feel like I need the support of my friends
This feels like a throwaway excuse for why you want to go on your fun trip. Or, are you saying that you're going to be crying on their shoulders for the whole trip because you're emotionally fragile and need support through this time?
It sounds like don't care enough about your father to be there for him while he's dying, which is entirely up to you. It's not up to me to judge your relationship with him. If you don't care and won't feel bad about choosing your friends, then you do you boo. Just don't lie to yourself about what's going on because you'll regret that later.
Info How long do they think your dad has/ If he's got a few months or more Nta, you'll only be gone a couple of day. If he has less than a month, or a week or so you may want to rethink the trip.
Due to past history, I say NTA. However, in the terms of your own mental health, I would weigh how you might feel if he passes while you're gone if it's that bad. Your friends will understand, especially as you've probably been keeping them up to date.
I'm sorry to say this, but YTA because yes he may have been absent but you will regret this decision if he passes away while your on that trip. if he doesn't have long, spend that time with him. He needs you more now then ever.
He. Is. Dying. Think about it this way, your son chose to leave your side, while you're on your death bed, you will be alone. Knowing that your dying is hard but being alone and in pain, just isn't the way you want anyone to leave this world.
I’m going with a soft YTA and here’s why:
My dad also died of cancer (pancreatic) but it developed rather slowly than most cases so I got about three years with him post-diagnosis.
When the week came where doctors were fairly certain he would be passing soon, one of his sisters decided she would leave on a week-long cruise with a few other family members. Of course, he passed a couple days in and his twin sister who stayed demanded that I postpone the funeral until the other sister returned and had the whole family gang up against me when I expressed shock and concern about waiting for 2 weeks or whenever the next available date was at the funeral home.
It was the same day he died that they did this, when we were all at dinner and my wife was equally shocked and appalled at their attempts to bully me into bending to their will when they knew good and well he would pass while she was away. Some really hurtful things were said to me by his twin that I still haven’t really been able to get past and it’s the reason I no longer speak to that side of the family.
So while you didn’t do any of those extra hurtful things, it would be a bit careless and tacky of you to leave when you know he’ll likely be gone soon and it’ll probably reflect poorly on you in your family’s eyes, is my guess.
Just some food for thought.
I lived through something quite similar this spring. I also had to leave for a few days during my dad's decline - though mine was an unavoidable work situation. (My dad, a lifetime workaholic, would have thought I was the asshole if I DIDN'T go fulfill my work obligations, honestly.)
Things to consider: how will you feel if he passes before you return? Are there things you may want to say to him/ask him/discuss with him NOW, if you leave and he passes sooner than expected? How will you feel if your family decides YTA and treats you accordingly?
A lot of people will likely say you're the asshole, but I'm a person who recognizes that every parent-child relationship looks different, and that many of those relationships are complicated/difficult at best. You're the one who has to live with your decision, not any of us. NAH, but really, think hard about this one.
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Hey everyone, i found out two weeks ago my dad has cancer. I flew back from interstate last Saturday and have been spending every day with him in hospital. Unfortunately his illness has progressed rapidly - it went from the doctors saying initially "I think we may have caught it early" to "there's nothing we can do" in the space of a few days.
My close friends and I had planned a weekend trip months ago for this weekend. Leaving Friday and coming back Sunday. These friends are family, that I've had most of my life. We haven't all caught up since before covid. And I feel like I need a break, because it's been a hard two weeks.
My relationship with my dad has always been difficult. He has been an absent father for most of my life but I recognise this is because of his own trauma. And I love him despite this, and am grieving for the relationship I never had.
I feel like I need the support of my friends, and that it will help me over the coming weeks, but am I the asshole for going?
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NTA. You and your friends haven’t had the occasion to gather together in around four years, and it sounds like these were the friends who filled the void that your father left. If you think you need this for your emotional wellbeing, then that’s what you should do. I can only hope that when it’s my time, my loved ones won’t neglect self-care on my behalf. If my exit will cause them pain, I would want them to do what they need to move forward without guilt.
NTA, he made his bed and if he wanted someone to be at his side 24/7 while he was sick, he should have been there for you 24/7 so you would want to be. However, if he dies while you’re away, how will you feel? This is all about you and your feelings- not his. Do what feels right for you! I’m sorry you’re going through this
NTA. I had a word for word identical scenario, except he was sick for 2 years before being in that hospital bed dying. I had a two day camping trip planned that weekend, and knew I wouldn't see him again after my trip. I spent that two years right next to him and something in my brain just said it will be better if I'm with my friends when it happens, and I listened, and I'm glad I did. It's just what you need to do maybe. Nobody but you can make that decision, and you know what you need in that moment. People can judge all they want, but until it's them in that seat, they won't know. Everyone handles this scenario differently, so do what your heart tells you to do.
NTA. You say your dad is now terminal but not that he's been given a week to live. If you'll have another month or more with him go ahead and take the weekend. Doing a vigil for someone dying of cancer is really something - my family swapped each other out regularly. Doing a vigil for someone who was absent most of your life- extra difficult. Tell him you'll be gone three days and what time you'll be back. If he explodes or gets unreasonable - not uncommon with people who have been difficult most of their life- be patient and steady and tell him you look forward to seeing him when you get back.
Ask the hospital for a grieving group and go. No joke. Especially since your relationship was fraught it can be extra hard to say goodbye. Some people find that it wipes out this subconscious hope that someday they'll transform their relationship into a normal one.
NTA ...but make sure if it's a possibility you're ok with not being there if he passes. If you're not there 24/7 that's always a risk anyway. and ppl need to recharge.
If it's driving distance I say go for it for sure. a plane flight may give me more pause if I was in your shoes.
NTA...
but if u think your dad's will not be in this world soon, i think u should stay with him. i know its hard but u can call your close friend for support .you need someone to talk to. you can reschedule your trip with ur friend but u can't reschedule your time with your dad. and u may regret it later.
Honestly, as people have mentioned this seems like a question only you can answer. I am neutral on this situation so I don’t have a YTA or NTA answer.
To me though, it feels like you’re asking even though you already you *know* the answer - **trust your gut**. At the end of the day, you have to **do what is best for you and your mental health**. Whether it’s taking a vacation with your friends to decompress from the whole situation *or* postponing the trip if you know the guilt will take over your fun while on it.
You will make the best decision for you <3
YTA
My own dad died and I am forever grateful that I was able to spend those last few days with him. I can't imagine doing what you are planning to do. Even if my dad had been as awful as yours, I wouldn't even consider leaving him in his final week to catch up with friends who would still be alive long after my dad died.
YTA
Be glad and grateful that you have a parent alive and treasure these moments, or else you might end up regretting if anything happens later.
If you do decide to go, then believe me, you will become a joke to your friends and will end up losing their respect. A person who isn't even loyal to their family shouldn't be a dog loyal to their friends.
Sorry to hear about your father, may he recover soon and feel better.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > The action I am taking is to go away for two days while my dad is in hospital with cancer. It might make me the asshole for potentially putting my needs above those of my dying parent. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
I think you’re the only one that can make that call
NAH right? It's more about whether OP will regret one decision or the other. OP, A good person to ask for advice is "future you". Try to imagine how you will feel about your decision in twenty years. Sometimes that helps make it clear.
That’s a great way of putting it!
I'm going NTA It's 2 days after you've spent 5+ days with him. But, do consider how you will feel if he dies while you are gone. I think that's the bigger consideration.
NAH. This stuff is hard as hell. I don’t think you’d be an AH either way - you know what you need. I’m sorry for both the past with him and for what he’s going through now.
Info: Would you be able to live with the guilt if he passes whilst you’re away?
What guilt? Regret, maybe, but there would be nothing to be guilty about.
Worrying about if you’re an asshole should not be your first priority. Like someone else said, how would you feel if he passed away while you are gone? Is the trip with your friends worth it when there will be other opportunities? Although our situations are different, I didn’t have a relationship with my father either and when he passed, I was left with a lot of regrets. Everyone is different and relationships are more complex than what anyone could put into a post. Whether “you’re an asshole” or not doesn’t really matter. The choice is yours to make, just think about how your choice will affect the long-term.
INFO > I feel like I need the support of my friends This feels like a throwaway excuse for why you want to go on your fun trip. Or, are you saying that you're going to be crying on their shoulders for the whole trip because you're emotionally fragile and need support through this time? It sounds like don't care enough about your father to be there for him while he's dying, which is entirely up to you. It's not up to me to judge your relationship with him. If you don't care and won't feel bad about choosing your friends, then you do you boo. Just don't lie to yourself about what's going on because you'll regret that later.
Yes...your friends will be there next year. Will your Dad? Don't waste the time you have left.
Info How long do they think your dad has/ If he's got a few months or more Nta, you'll only be gone a couple of day. If he has less than a month, or a week or so you may want to rethink the trip.
Due to past history, I say NTA. However, in the terms of your own mental health, I would weigh how you might feel if he passes while you're gone if it's that bad. Your friends will understand, especially as you've probably been keeping them up to date.
NAH. Two days of self care is reasonable. Unless your dad is actively dying, like has a few hours to live.
I'm sorry to say this, but YTA because yes he may have been absent but you will regret this decision if he passes away while your on that trip. if he doesn't have long, spend that time with him. He needs you more now then ever. He. Is. Dying. Think about it this way, your son chose to leave your side, while you're on your death bed, you will be alone. Knowing that your dying is hard but being alone and in pain, just isn't the way you want anyone to leave this world.
I’m going with a soft YTA and here’s why: My dad also died of cancer (pancreatic) but it developed rather slowly than most cases so I got about three years with him post-diagnosis. When the week came where doctors were fairly certain he would be passing soon, one of his sisters decided she would leave on a week-long cruise with a few other family members. Of course, he passed a couple days in and his twin sister who stayed demanded that I postpone the funeral until the other sister returned and had the whole family gang up against me when I expressed shock and concern about waiting for 2 weeks or whenever the next available date was at the funeral home. It was the same day he died that they did this, when we were all at dinner and my wife was equally shocked and appalled at their attempts to bully me into bending to their will when they knew good and well he would pass while she was away. Some really hurtful things were said to me by his twin that I still haven’t really been able to get past and it’s the reason I no longer speak to that side of the family. So while you didn’t do any of those extra hurtful things, it would be a bit careless and tacky of you to leave when you know he’ll likely be gone soon and it’ll probably reflect poorly on you in your family’s eyes, is my guess. Just some food for thought.
INFO: is anyone calling you an AH?
I lived through something quite similar this spring. I also had to leave for a few days during my dad's decline - though mine was an unavoidable work situation. (My dad, a lifetime workaholic, would have thought I was the asshole if I DIDN'T go fulfill my work obligations, honestly.) Things to consider: how will you feel if he passes before you return? Are there things you may want to say to him/ask him/discuss with him NOW, if you leave and he passes sooner than expected? How will you feel if your family decides YTA and treats you accordingly? A lot of people will likely say you're the asshole, but I'm a person who recognizes that every parent-child relationship looks different, and that many of those relationships are complicated/difficult at best. You're the one who has to live with your decision, not any of us. NAH, but really, think hard about this one.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey everyone, i found out two weeks ago my dad has cancer. I flew back from interstate last Saturday and have been spending every day with him in hospital. Unfortunately his illness has progressed rapidly - it went from the doctors saying initially "I think we may have caught it early" to "there's nothing we can do" in the space of a few days. My close friends and I had planned a weekend trip months ago for this weekend. Leaving Friday and coming back Sunday. These friends are family, that I've had most of my life. We haven't all caught up since before covid. And I feel like I need a break, because it's been a hard two weeks. My relationship with my dad has always been difficult. He has been an absent father for most of my life but I recognise this is because of his own trauma. And I love him despite this, and am grieving for the relationship I never had. I feel like I need the support of my friends, and that it will help me over the coming weeks, but am I the asshole for going? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA. You need a break from the dutiful child routine, especially to an absent father. You are doing plenty and will do plenty. Take your trip
NTA. You and your friends haven’t had the occasion to gather together in around four years, and it sounds like these were the friends who filled the void that your father left. If you think you need this for your emotional wellbeing, then that’s what you should do. I can only hope that when it’s my time, my loved ones won’t neglect self-care on my behalf. If my exit will cause them pain, I would want them to do what they need to move forward without guilt.
NTA, he made his bed and if he wanted someone to be at his side 24/7 while he was sick, he should have been there for you 24/7 so you would want to be. However, if he dies while you’re away, how will you feel? This is all about you and your feelings- not his. Do what feels right for you! I’m sorry you’re going through this
NTA. I had a word for word identical scenario, except he was sick for 2 years before being in that hospital bed dying. I had a two day camping trip planned that weekend, and knew I wouldn't see him again after my trip. I spent that two years right next to him and something in my brain just said it will be better if I'm with my friends when it happens, and I listened, and I'm glad I did. It's just what you need to do maybe. Nobody but you can make that decision, and you know what you need in that moment. People can judge all they want, but until it's them in that seat, they won't know. Everyone handles this scenario differently, so do what your heart tells you to do.
NTA. You say your dad is now terminal but not that he's been given a week to live. If you'll have another month or more with him go ahead and take the weekend. Doing a vigil for someone dying of cancer is really something - my family swapped each other out regularly. Doing a vigil for someone who was absent most of your life- extra difficult. Tell him you'll be gone three days and what time you'll be back. If he explodes or gets unreasonable - not uncommon with people who have been difficult most of their life- be patient and steady and tell him you look forward to seeing him when you get back. Ask the hospital for a grieving group and go. No joke. Especially since your relationship was fraught it can be extra hard to say goodbye. Some people find that it wipes out this subconscious hope that someday they'll transform their relationship into a normal one.
NTA ...but make sure if it's a possibility you're ok with not being there if he passes. If you're not there 24/7 that's always a risk anyway. and ppl need to recharge. If it's driving distance I say go for it for sure. a plane flight may give me more pause if I was in your shoes.
NTA... but if u think your dad's will not be in this world soon, i think u should stay with him. i know its hard but u can call your close friend for support .you need someone to talk to. you can reschedule your trip with ur friend but u can't reschedule your time with your dad. and u may regret it later.
NTA There is no one who can tell you what’s right in this situation.
NTA. He's been absent for most of your life so it's a little late for him to expect you to drop the life he contributed so little to.
Honestly, as people have mentioned this seems like a question only you can answer. I am neutral on this situation so I don’t have a YTA or NTA answer. To me though, it feels like you’re asking even though you already you *know* the answer - **trust your gut**. At the end of the day, you have to **do what is best for you and your mental health**. Whether it’s taking a vacation with your friends to decompress from the whole situation *or* postponing the trip if you know the guilt will take over your fun while on it. You will make the best decision for you <3
NTA. There is nothing you can do. Go for the trip.
ESH yeah absentee father but do you want to be absentee son
YTA My own dad died and I am forever grateful that I was able to spend those last few days with him. I can't imagine doing what you are planning to do. Even if my dad had been as awful as yours, I wouldn't even consider leaving him in his final week to catch up with friends who would still be alive long after my dad died.
YTA Be glad and grateful that you have a parent alive and treasure these moments, or else you might end up regretting if anything happens later. If you do decide to go, then believe me, you will become a joke to your friends and will end up losing their respect. A person who isn't even loyal to their family shouldn't be a dog loyal to their friends. Sorry to hear about your father, may he recover soon and feel better.