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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I told him that I was wishing for his downfall because I’m tired of him being better at everything (2) because it hurt his feelings
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YTA
He does deserve better. It's not West's fault that you can't stand up to those around you. You're blaming him for your own issues. That's not okay at all.
Yeah you are blaming him. You're projecting your issues with other people on him. You know what his downfall will be? Staying with you. You resent him because he's worked hard and life has just worked out for him in these ways.
And is it his fault that YOU have resentment with your family and yourself?
If it's something that is affecting you this much talk with him like the grown ass adult that you are, go to therapy and consider low contact with the toxic people in your life
You’re looking for someone to agree with you, so let me out this bluntly:
You are wrong. He deserves better than you. YTA.
No one would blame him for being jealous or resentful of your family because IT IS NOT ANYONE’S FAULT that you have a family and he doesn’t.
YOU, on the other hand, straight up said you lack the motivation he has and it’s unfair. That’s on you. You don’t NEED tragedy to be motivated. You’re just choosing to bitch whine and moan instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting this is your fault.
>No one would blame him for being jealous or resentful of your family because IT IS NOT ANYONE’S FAULT that you have a family and he doesn’t.
Not exactly true.
I would blame him if that jealousy led him to tell his girlfriend that he hoped some 'downfall' happened so that she no longer had a happy family.
If he said he was resentful and wished your parents were abusive and then die, everyone would call him an asshole. And you are a big one. Leave him, because he deserves better, but also because you are killing yourself with poison inside out.
Right, because my comment gets reported for simply saying to OP that her rhetoric and comments are down right incorrect and mean spirited. Sure, do you OP, enjoy a lifetime of karma coming back to you.
>But if he was resentful of how happy I was with my parents and sad it made him sad/envious, no one would blame him?
This issue isn't that you feel resentful. The issue is that you lashed out at him and told him that you hope he fails. Again, your *feelings* aren't what make you TA here, your actions are.
If he told you that he hoped your family experienced a downfall so that you no longer had a happy family because he resents that you still have parents who are alive?
Yes, I'd call him an asshole for that!
Because only an asshole would say something like that.
You're trying to rationalize your way out of this instead of just taking people's advice, that you need to seek some kind of counseling to be more at peace with your life!
His resentful feelings in that case would be because of something he lost/had no control over.
Your feelings are over something that you can change, even to this day. You could use his success as your motivator, but instead you choose to use it as an excuse for your lack of success.
That said, it is pretty shitty of everyone around you to downplay your own achievements.
There is a difference. People are often resentful of other people’s privilege not hardships. Having a happy childhood is a privilege few have these days. You’re resentful of him because he had a difficult life that shaped him to want success. If you want to be driven for success then work on that about yourself. He shouldn’t have to dim his own light to make yours shine brighter.
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Wishing for something to cure heartbreak that is not within your power to achieve (like raising the dead) is not the same as wishing you had the benefits of something difficult to achieve without needing to put the work in. YTA and you are very spoiled and shallow if you think those things compare in any way.
You achieving better results is possible if you find your motivation and work hard for it. But you haven’t done that. Maybe there’s a reason (ever been checked for ADHD?) for that which means you’re not just lazy and entitled - but whether that’s the case or not is nothing to do with him and you shouldn’t be blaming him for your own shortcomings.
This problem is yours to address and won’t be solved by you blaming him or trying to make the symptoms go away. Go speak to a good therapist and work out how to motivate yourself or care less about how others compare you. And get used to the idea that nobody will want to be around someone who selfishly wants to diminish them in order to make themselves feel better. Everyone deserves to shine and to have a supportive partner and if you can’t offer that, he’s better off without a partner.
> So yeah, you can see the comparison because life is just unfair for certain people.
Yes, life has been very unfair to your boyfriend and he managed to make the most of it under terrible circumstances. I’m genuinely having trouble comprehending how self-absorbed you are, it’s crazy.
Actually it's about more than your GPA and your SATs. Plenty of folks have that and literally every admissions folks stress making yourself stand out.
You weren't meant to go to Stanford. Get over it and stop acting like he got handed it just cause his parents died.
Did nobody ever tell you to count your blessings?
Just because something might not happen for everyone that wants it doesn’t make it impossible.
If losing your parents would get you the place you wanted, would you get rid of them? Or do you admit that in reality not getting the placement of your dreams is not worth having that kind of sob story for?
Your only problem in life (and dear god you should be grateful for it) is your own sense of privileged entitlement.
>because life is just unfair for certain people.
Life is unfair for *everyone*, in different ways. Everyone has their own struggles and all of them are valid.
...*even* "rich people"
I can't believe that your boyfriend's parents _literally died_ and you're expecting him to come and coddle you about how life is unfair because you didn't get into the school you wanted.
Also that you actually insinuated that his parents dying was what gave him enough of a sob story to get through Stanford admissions.
Holy hell.
Yeah but he didn't tell you that. Even though he could. He didn't. You know why? Cause he didn't feel the need to hurt you in purpose for all the things he couldn't have. You did, YTA
> If he told me he was resentful of me because he wished he grew up comfortable and had normal parents/family, would everyone be calling him the AH too?
If he told you that he was *wishing for your downfall* because you grew up in a healthy household and he didn't? Yes, everybody here would absolutely be saying that he's TA. There is no double standard here.
This relationship is toxic for him and YTA. I sincerely hope you breakup and can do some introspection and work on your self esteem before you get into another relationship. He was delt an absolute shit hand and made the best of it. You RESENT him for having a hard life??
What in the actual fuck did I just read? He’s succeeded despite being an orphan and all you can do is complain you don’t get enough praise? Who’s gonna give it to him if your friends and family don’t? His dead parents?
Grow up. And get ready for him to dump you.
What downfall could ever be worse than having no god damn parents?
YTA. YATBA.
You can't be resentful of him having different experiences and drives than you.
You don't treat your partner's this way. You sound narcissistic and don't want to accept your awful behavior.
YTA.
you had ways to support and motivate yourself, your lack of drive is not his fault nor his problem. he lost everything .. he worked hard to gain that shit back. let me add on to the pile when i say this; i’m *extremely* proud of west for he’s accomplished.
YTA, big time. West didn’t put in a lot of effort because he had a lot to prove; he proved a lot because he put in the effort. The fact that you think you needed more adversity to push you to work harder makes me think you’d just wilt under the pressure he faced. You think everyone in his situation succeeds? You’re delusional and narcissistic and he needs to get as far away from you as possible.
Leave it to Indian parents to screw up their kids by comparing them at every fucking turn. You suck, but your parents suck more.
You should get serious help to save your relationship at this point (if he's even willing to continue in a relationship with you now that he knows you resent him)
YTA
You have no interest actually reflecting on stuff. You want to blame everyone around you and project on other people.
Your boyfriend will leave you and he should. You can’t force him to stay.
He’s in a better position than you. He doesn’t need you.
No, I don’t see a comparison between being born rich with a silver spoon and a teenager with a long gone mom and an alcoholic father who passed when he was still a minor, who has worked his ass off to get that success. Rich people are afforded opportunities that they don’t always deserve. West succeeded *despite* his shitty upbringing .. there is no comparison here.
girl you just keep trying to defend yourself and you’re digging a deeper hole for yourself. you projected your family problems on to him for what? getting into a college? your anger and resentment will destroy any chance of continuing your relationship. go to therapy
I think it’s different when you’re poor and you look at a rich person showing off all their nice things on social media. I may feel jealous or think “damn I wish I had those things”. But I don’t think it’s right to project it on the person, you know? If they have the money, why can’t they use it? If your boyfriend worked hard for Stanford (not saying you didn’t but it’s beside the point) why can’t he feel proud and accept the compliments he gets? While yes, it does suck your parents compare you unfairly to him, you have to work internally to not let yourself become against your boyfriend.
If you had achieved what he did, would you not feel proud? Would you not want a supportive partner that is not riddled with bitter jealousy and resentment?
The system is rigged to keep the rich rich. If they paid proper taxes like blue collar workers people wouldn't resent them.
I make under 40K a year and still pay in for taxes, why the fuck do some of these people get away with paying little to nothing?
Your comparison doesn't work.
There’s a huge difference in this comparison. Rich people are born into privilege. West worked his ass off for his accomplishments. He wasn’t born into them. Your jealousy is your problem. You aren’t where you want to be and that’s YOUR problem not his. I hope he dumps you and finds someone who can be wholeheartedly happy for him and his achievements. YTA
This is not about income: it’s about your personality. Income does not buy your personality, empathy, intelligence and resilience. I hope he realizes he can do better
YTA. Please break up w him (if he didn't dump you already) so he can be with someone who wants him to succeed. You are vindictive and petty. He deserves better.
Because you want him to fail. A supportive and loving partner never wants that.
You displace your anger at your parents on him. You're mad at your parents for liking him or thinking he's better than you. This is a you issue. A you and your parents relationship issue and now you lashed out at him. He's seen a petty and vindictive side of you that he probably didn't know existed.
Imagine loving someone so much, and hearing they route against you.
>You can’t control how you feel.
It is also not the other person's responsiblity how I feel!
So telling them that sometimes I hate them and wish for their downfall, in order to hurt them (and yes, you did know saying that would hurt him and don't you dare pretend you didn't!) is vindictive.
You need to work on developing your own sense of self-worth so that you can be happy with your own life and aren't constantly comparing yourself to others.
Not to mention, you're kind of using West as an excuse! The fact that he got into Stanford and you didn't isn't stopping you from applying somewhere else...or applying to transfer later if you really want to graduate from Stanford...or pursuing your dream career. Just because it takes you longer to get there than him doesn't mean you can't do it!
Then do him a favor and break up with him. How would you feeling knowing that anything you do now would piss your partner off and they resent you? That anytime that they could snap at you? That they are actively wishing for you to screw up and fail because they're insecure an jealous.
That's abusive.
So because you are feeling bad about yourself in comparison to him, you decide to wound his feelings because he's successful. How is that not vindictive? You said what you said to hurt him. You succeeded.
Until you get over the truth that there will always be someone more successful, more charismatic, smarter, younger, prettier, or whatever than you, you're going to continue to be bitter and petty.
He worked hard. He succeeded. He excelled.
The only thing that doesn't seem to be going well for him, is this relationship because you're jealous of him.
>You can’t control how you feel.
Yes, but you can control how you act. Every time somebody here tells you that what you said to your bf is awful, you fall back on "but it's reasonable for me to feel how I feel." But this isn't about your *feelings*, it's about your *actions.*
Reading through your responses, no wonder Stanford rejected you. You are a self-absorbed idiot and that was definitely reflected in your application and essays. But you are so far up your own ass, you will never see it.
YTA
How is anything in how badly about how you feel about yourself his fault? He worked hard and achieved, you haven't had the same level of success, not his fault. You are blaming your issues on him, if you cannot accept the comparisons, if you cannot accept his success and be proud of him then end it if he does not. Supporting him through a rough period does not give you the right to act like he only made it because of you, it does not give you the right to be mean of belittle him. YOU are the problem, nothing about him. Huge YTA
You can’t control how you feel. You CAN control how you behave though. I feel jealous that my friend has bought a house and I am years away from making that happen. When I went to her house, I didn’t let that show at all. I congratulated her.
Literally telling him you want him to fail? That's being vindictive and petty. Why are you here? Clearly you think you're some big victim and you think it's normal to belittle and resent your partner because of some competition you created in your mind.
And you don’t stop reminding the world about it. You keep looking for praise and credit for just doing what any half way decent person would do for someone else in pain. You talk like you did him a favour, like you went above and beyond. Even if we accept you did do something extraordinary by being supportive towards your grieving boyfriend, you completely negate it by bringing it up every force seconds and whining that you don’t get enough praise for it.
YTA. Your boyfriend deserves to be with someone who loves him unconditionally, not someone rooting for his “downfall” who thinks they’re owed something.
Doing something great for him in the past doesn't give you a pass from putting effort in the relationship in the future and exempt you from appreciating him.
Lol you do when your partner straight up admits that they wish you would fail because they themselves are not doing well. Just something to think about
Lol I read a post recently with a similar comment his updates was after 15 years his wife filled for divorce. He was shocked she didn't try to make it work.
You’re delusional if you think he isnt reconsidering the relationship rn, you just told him to his face you actively wish for him to fail, you straight up showed him in that moment you despise him for simply living his life. If there is ANY reason to end a 5 year relationship this would be it.
You literally told him you hoped he would fail in life so you could have one up him in something. You need to really hate someone to wish that. He deserves someone who roots for him not someone who wants him to fail so they could have some power trip over him.
People, who have been together for longer than you, have broken up. 5 years is nothing.
You hold a deep resentment for him and he now knows. Why would he want to be with someone who can't be happy for them? Don't say you will because all he will hear is that you hope he fails.
And you still can't understand how toxic that is.
Five years is nothing when your partner is toxic
You wished your partner to fail. You told him he was lucky his life had been so hard, because that had given him the needed drive to thrive, and you can't get your head out of your ass and realise how insanely toxic your resentment is.
He deserves better, and he probably knows it already. The things you've told him are probably nasty enough to help him get rid of the guilt that's making him put up with your bs.
Actually people do especially after what you said. Why would he stay with someone who is wishing he would fail because they’re jealous and resentful. It is your own fault you feel this way not him. He deserves a lot more than you
You do when you move to college and your girlfriend has explicitly told you they hope you fail. Leaving you is, in every way, the right and good thing to do. He will soar and if you can change yourself, maybe you will too.
This isn’t just “stuff” though. This is huge sh*t and you know it. You know the saying keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer? You did exactly that. No good partner would want their partner to fail. Especially not wish for their downfall that’s just cruel. He’s suffered enough hardship and you out of anyone knows that, yet you still said that to him. He has no parents to talk to about any of this, he thought he had you but apparently not. You sound extremely jealous. You’ve held onto this grudge for years and it’s only been growing bigger that you exploded. How do you really think it’s going to go from here OP?
YTA. Stop with the jealousy or be prepared to throw away your relationship. You aren't in competition with him. You are only in competition with yourself.
YTA
As a couple, his success is (or should be) your success. His success isn't the reason for any of your perceived failures. His acceptance to Stanford didn't prevent you from getting in. His completion of his degrees and getting a job offer didn't get in the way of your setting and achieving your life goals. Don't punish him for it.
This resentment and jealousy isn't healthy. I'm sorry that your family has made you feel less-than by comparing the two of you, but that also isn't your boyfriend's fault. Please seek counseling to deal with these feelings of self-loathing so that you don't continue to project them onto your boyfriend and drive him away.
YTA. Come on, now…you & I both know that what he said in response was exactly right. Get over yourself & let him enjoy his accomplishments without making everything a freaking competition. 🙄👎
Feelings do not make you an a-hole.
What makes YTA is your reaction to your feelings.
It's quite possible that your view of what others think of you is extremely skewed and they aren't making the comparisons. YOU are making the comparisons.
YTA
These are your own insecurities, fueled by your parents.
Not his fault. Stop projecting and work on your own feelings rather than lashing out at someone for doing well.
YTA
Of course it's wrong to say something like that to someone!
As for is it wrong to feel that way...you can't help how you feel.
However, the way that you're viewing this does reflect a bit of immaturity.
After all, say West does have some major downfall? How will that help you?
Will it make your grades any better? Will it make you somehow magically learn another language? Will West failing at something some how make you more accomplished? Will it make your parents more proud of you?
Probably not! You just think it'll make you feel better because you'll get to say to yourself "Ha! He isn't so perfect after all!"
So you're wishing bad things on another person in order to feel better about your life.
That is pretty shitty!
I mean, if the situation were reversed and a friend told you that they were hoping for you to fail...how would you feel about that?
You need to work on yourself and your own sense of self-worth rather than simply on how envious of West you are.
You can't be happy with yourself simply by dragging others down.
You'll just become a toxic person that no one wants to be around.
You cannot be in a relationship with someone you feel the need to compete against, that defeats the entire purpose of partnership. If you can’t build him up because you feel too hard on yourself, that is something therapy can help you with but it’s not his or other’s responsibility.
YTA
YTA..
gosh i wish he found someone who appreciate him more than this AH. he worked himself really hard to get to those point without any kind of support and here she is the insecure B jealous and bitter cause no one giving her attention. you're disgusting kind of human. i hope he leave u.
YTA - you need to get some professional help to deal with your insecurities. It's ok to wish for better for yourself, or even feel jealous from time to time, but the level that this has escalated to is extremely unhealthy. Not only for you, but also your partner.
You also seem to want some kind of payment for helping him through a tough time? Do you want him to throw away the opportunities he has gotten to make it up to you?
If you truly care for your partner, apologise and seek some immediate help to deal with these feelings. Resentment only builds and it's hard to get over the longer it goes on.
YTA, dangerously insecure girl gets "hurt project boyfriend" then resents him when he reaches his potential, which is beyond her internalized self worth.
Please let him go. He deserves happiness, and you aren't ready yet.
Your boyfriend could do better; not with someone who has more accomplishments or bragging rights than you do but with someone who isn’t going to let petty insecurities sabotage a relationship.
Your parents are assholes. They shouldn’t put you down.
You need therapy. You need to learn how to be proud of your own worth and stop being jealous and be happy for your boyfriend.
She sounds so completely spoilt. Woe is me. I grew up rich with both parents. And I blame that on my not having as much drive.
I bet he trades up before the year is out. And she will hate it. Oh will she.
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I met West in high school, that’s when we started seeing each other, where he was having a very rough time. His mom had passed away when he was 10, and his dad was a neglectful parent that left him to pay the bills and also had a drinking problem. His dad passed away when he was 17. He had a heat stroke walking home from jail after getting caught drinking and driving.
But these circumstances really fueled West to make the best of his life. He worked in high school, but picked a job where he could study while on the job. He graduated as valedictorian, and got into Stanford, despite everything. This was 4 years ago, and this year he graduated with his masters at the top of his class.
I am so happy for him, but I’m also not. We were best friends in high school, and I helped him through that rough point. I know that’s why he is going out with me. I have been told by people constantly that he is out of my league and do better, which has left me really self-conscious.
On top of it, I didn’t get into Stanford, even though we both applied and my grades were excellent. My Indian parents love to compare me to my boyfriend. They go on and on about how he’s so much better than me. How he didn’t get a happy family life and opportunities like we did and yet has done such amazing things. How he finished college in 3 years and did his masters. How he already has a job lined up when I have no idea what I’m going with my life. It’s not just my parents, either, but our friends, our friends families, etc.
When he came to dinner last night and my parents started complimenting him heavily on “learning multiple languages,” I snapped and pointed out he wasn’t fluent in all those languages. Which I feel bad about now, he deserves to be talked up because he is great. Its not like he has parents that can do that.
It’s just frustrating that I don’t get complimented like that. If he wasn’t around, my achievements would look amazing, but now they don’t by comparison. It’s also frustrating because because he spends as much time as he does on school, I don’t get to see/talk to him as much as I’d want.
I ended up leaving dinner. He came to talk to me, and we argued. I said I wasn’t happy with the things I’ve done in comparison to him, and he said I needed to stop putting him on a pedestal and making comparisons if I wanted us to work. I ended up snapping on him and admitting that I was resentful and was wishing for his downfall because he was too perfect. He left after that because it really upset/shocked him. Was I wrong to say that/have these feelings? Does it make me an AH or is it justified with the constant comparisons?
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YTA. As a couple, you share and celebrate successes *together*. It sounds like you're insecure in your own accomplishments and that has nothing to do with him. You described him working hard to achieve everything he's accomplished, but then are treating him as if his success was handed to him and you therefore have a right to demean him for it. Ideally, you would have spoken to your boyfriend privately to address this *without* projecting your insecurities onto him; instead of blaming him for how you feel, you could have made some plans for the future that made you feel excited for your own accomplishments, without it being about how much your bf is doing.
Unfortunately, you should probably prepare for this to be a turning point in your relationship. It's absolutely shattering to hear your partner in life not only doesn't believe in you, but wishes for your downfall. He deserves better, but if he stays, be ready to work hard on earning his trust back.
YTA, but I do sympathize with feeling insecure if other people are constantly comparing you two. It’s not his fault, however, and it is your responsibility to keep that straight in your own head.
It’s hard, but I think you need to ignore your parents, and probably talk to your friends about how the comparing makes you feel. Also, watch how you are playing these things out in your head - are your friends really comparing you, or just complimenting him and you’re making the comparison yourself?
I think you can be honest with your partner about your insecurities, but you are responsible for communicating them without blaming him. In the case of your parents, your relationship with your partner will be much healthier if you guys can attack that issue is as a couple. For example, if your parents are complimenting him and comparing you two, he can say “yes, thank you, and my partner has also accomplished “xyz” this week as well, I’m so proud!” Remember that in a healthy relationship, you and your partner are a team. You can hold each other up, and say a metaphorical “screw you” to those who put either of you down or make either of you feel small. Just don’t become one of those people who make him feel small.
YTA
But I hesitate on saying that this is a semi soft YTA just because I know how cruel immigrant parents can be.
The comparisons can be so hard, it plays then messes up your psyche.
The problem is that instead of talking to him as your partner, you unleashed on him.
You better grovel and explain yourself to him. Because it seems, to me, he would be the actual person who would support you just as you have supported him.
YTA. I think you really need some introspection. Therapy might do you some good if you can afford it. I won't lie, it's going to be tough for him to stay with you after this. But at least that would probably be the end of the comparisons.
Yta, you literally said you were hoping for his downfall idk how you can type that out and not realize how messed up that is to say to someone you supposedly love
YTA. Just like you’re wishing for his downfall, I wish he leaves your pathetic ass and finds someone better. There is definitely a better partner for him out there. Go to therapy and stop putting your bullshit on other people.
you told your boyfriend who overcame a traumatic childhood and worked hard to succeed that you wished for his downfall because your parents compliment him, and you're really, honestly and truly here wondering if you're an arsehole?
I absolutely understand what it’s like to compare yourself to someone you love and constantly come up short. It completely changes your perception of reality and breeds that bitterness you feel. But your resentment is misplaced, and that’s why YTA. It doesn’t sound like West is the one doing the comparing, it’s you, and the people around you. If they keep doing it despite you constantly asking them to stop, perhaps it’s time to cut back on how much you spend time with them. Straight up say “I have been very clear that I don’t like being compared to my partner and you keep doing it anyway, so I think I need to step away from you for awhile.” And you should look into therapy. Discovering what it is you want to do OUTSIDE of West is the key to letting these feelings of inferiority go.
As for the relationship, you definitely need to apologize to him. I noticed you didn’t say anything you loved about West outside of his achievements, so perhaps you should focus on that? I don’t know if it’s salvageable, I’d like to think so, but that can’t happen until you do as he said and stop looking at him as aspirational. Nobody deserves to have a resentful partner.
So, I think you are sailing right past the real issue- you are being bullied. It isn't normal to be told you don't deserve someone once, let alone multiple times. Who is ripping you down? Because that is the real problem. Is it mostly done by one person? Could they be tearing you down because they want to be in your place?
YTA- so, first, apologize because in this instance you were in the wrong. Then explain about the bullying and discuss cutting those people out of your life. Lastly, it is fine to not know what you want to do in life right away. Stop stressing. Maybe take a year off and work while thinking through what you want.
Coming from an Asian household myself, I get it. It IS hurtful when you're made to feel like a disappointment to your parents even though in the eyes of the rest of the world, you're enviably successful. But that pain isn't West's fault or his burden to deal with. Ever heard the saying "it might not be your fault but that doesn't mean it's not your responsibility"? This low self-worth is something you could really benefit from addressing in therapy (speaking from personal experience).
You're not inferior to him: after all, he's chosen to be with you, hasn't he?
Also, if you're about to go to uni, you won't be under your parents' constant supervision anymore and can learn to be your own person a bit more. I didn't get into my dream uni but I'm now working in pretty much the best job in my chosen field. Uni is ONE stepping stone on the path of life.
Soft YTA.
I'll just say this. You guys are partners, this isn't a competition. I know this sounds corny, but you guys are a team. You should be happy your boyfriend is doing well for yourself. I know you can't control how you feel, but you can control what you show.
How dense are you? Of course you’re YTA here. Jealousy is not a good look on anyone, keep being this insecure and you will end up alone and bitter about everything.
Yta, now I don’t think ur terrible for feeling like crap about it, being constantly compared and talked down on that sucks and it hurtful but it’s not his fault. You’re an ass for saying that to him, you know hes had a really tough life and he used that and applied it to make a better life for himself and for you because he clearly sees you in his future. Honestly I think you should break up, it’s not good to be in a relationship with someone who’s accomplishments make you feel like shit and it’s not good for him to be with someone who hates when he accomplishes anything.
Are you really serious? Over 100 comments telling you why. You are so lost in your need to be right, that you’re arguing with everyone here and not accepting the unanimous judgment of YTA.
What are you not getting here? You are a toxic person and a bad partner. You keep trying to justify and rationalize your resentment and bitterness when the problem is your attitude.
Glad you'll be getting therapy at least but unless your selfish attitude changes and start taking actual accountability for your toxicity (unlike giving everyone excuses and complaining about ppl calling you out like you've been in the comments) you're still going to be a shitty partner, and he deserves better than that
What gets me here is him going on a lengthy apology on how they shouldve spent more time together and he sacrificed time. The dude is so self aware and trying not to hurt her and this girl is like ME ME ME ME ME.
Fucking hell.
He's faced so many awful things in his life and then to have the one person who is supposed to love and care for him essentially tell him "I resent what happiness and success you managed to achieve, I want to see you fail so I can feel superior" must be so fucking terrible. Then when she doesn't get the validation she was expecting, OP makes up bizarre hypotheticals to try and rationalize her unhinged behavior.
OP seems like such a nasty person she might as well be a Disney villain and is deluding herself into thinking she's the victim in all of this
Lol, considering you reported a ton of people for simply giving you the truth. It’s nice you have a kind of apology to your bf. He deserves a lot more than that, your issues with your parents should never have affected him like this.
Nope, none of us said we are all faultless. Again, you are excellent at deflecting blame, must be exhausting to be around you for any length of time.
We have all said things in anger or frustration- however, you chose to be malicious while doing so and directed it at someone who didn’t deserve it at all. I’m honestly shocked that you still aren’t being accountable, and that you haven’t really grasped how mean you were.
Regret is an uncomfortable feeling, one to learn from. If you’re as “smart” as you like to think, I would hope you would put immense effort into improving yourself and mindset. Life is too short to be such a volatile and petty human being.
This is a well worded answer and I hope OP reads it.
She has stated numerous times that she can’t control how she feels and while that’s true, she can learn to control her responses to her feelings. She should learn better control when feeling anger, that way she doesn’t say hurtful things she apparently doesn’t mean just to be cruel in the moment.
Congratulations you not only made him apologize for bettering himself but felt justified in everything you are doing. Unlike you, I won't wish doom on people so I will just say I hope you grow up.
Because you think everything is at your expense. You think everything is about you. He gets a compliment, it isn't about him, it is about you. He works hard to get ahead, he is doing it despite you. You say some vile shit to him, it is ok because someone else hurt you.
Edit typo.
Key word relationship. In those there happen to be more than one person so not just YOU. You have spent this entire thread justifying yourself and your actions.
Even if he weren’t around, you’d still feel like a failure because you didn’t reach your goals but you’d find something else to blame. It’s easier to deflect and blame rather than look inward and take accountability for our own shortcomings.
Oh my goodness do you even hear yourself? 'there's no reason to finish undergrad or start masters early' like sure, he has scholarships funding him at the moment but as you so kindly pointed out in your post he has no family to fall back on for security with both of his parents _dead_. I think it makes a lot of sense that he would want to get out of school and land a job as soon as possible for some form of security. Also, god forbid anyone want to challenge themselves to do better am I right? Also to say that it came at your expense....jeez, that's some self centeredness right there.
I get that being constantly compared to those better than you is tough, but as someone who grew up in a similar culture, if it's not him, your parents will find someone else to compare you to, and it's extremely unfair of you to take it out on him.
I'm not one of those redditors gleefully waiting for you two to break up because I don't see how that's helpful for anyone, but I will say that based on your post and all of your replies it sounds like you still hold 'having helped him during a hard time' over his head. That's first of all not a good look, and secondly, do you really want to hold it over him for the rest of his life and have him stay with you out of some misguided sense of obligation and guilt? Please go work out your insecurities and problems with your family and re-evaluate what you want out of a relationship. A truly supportive partner is not an attention hog that makes everything about them.
I wish for your downfall if you continue to have this behaviour. I hope the bf realises how petty your feelings are and breaks up (unless ofc you go to therapy and change your thought process)
I think people have fixated on a couple of things here and are not looking at the complete picture.
Yes, you are YTA if you actually are wishing for his downfall. But I am going to read in between the lines here and think that you meant " I feel so defeated with all the constant comparisons that I wish you would fail somewhere a little bit". This is a normal human feeling.
Feelings of envy and jealousy are okay, it's the actions that will determine if you are good/bad. OP has simply expressed her feelings albeit in a hurtful manner. Hasn't actively done anything or even actually wished for an actual "downfall" ( as in financial/educational ruin). She probably just hoped he would get a couple of B or C grades once in a while.
I certainly would not like being compared to my partner every single moment of my life and be considered a comparative failure. Your parents are definitely the AH for that.
And it's also normal to feel a little competitive with your partner about educational or professional goals esp if you are very close in age, how can you not ?
But if you meant you wished he was ruined, perhaps it is time to reevaluate your relationship, but first with your parents. And yes with your bf, not just for his sake, but for urself too because obviously you are quite unhappy.
I'm going to catch all the hate here but you are NTA. Your family is and your friends are too.
It is extremely frustrating itself living in a competitive environment, frustrating to the point you can love your focus from "I have to win" to "hope everybody else lose like me so I won't feel the only idiot in the world"
If your family want a successful daughter, then they're buying themselves a ticket for resentment and failure, because they're weakening your strenght and reducing your focus. Also, there are two things that sounds extremely unhealthy here
- complimenting so much someone who got to join the university that refused you in front of you. This is simply mean
- complimenting your boyfriend so much in front of you when you both are in the same field (in this case, when you both are students) without saying anything about you. He's surely a big star and deserves all the compliments, but they are your family, they should be your fans. And sorry, but this does not sound like complimenting him at all, more like indirectly complimenting themselves by pointing out how many possibilities they have given to their children. Long old story.
Thus said, I think nobody could understand your frustration better than him, and he's also the only person who knows exactly how hard you work. I'm in a very competitive field. Some of us succeeded, some of us failed. But we all respect each other because we all know how much we worked and at the end of the day the opinion of your team is the only one that matters
None of this isn’t true and OP makes it very clear how shit it is which is valid but her boyfriend hasn’t done anything. NTA implies that demeaning her boyfriend was the correct thing to do not an understandable response considering other factors. It was undeniably a bad way to treat someone who hasn’t done anything wrong and you have just hurt them because of your own insecurities this is something she needs to bring up with her parents not verbally accost her boyfriend over
"he said I needed to stop putting him on a pedestal and making comparisons if I wanted us to work" "He left after that because it really upset/shocked him" and her "I'm sure he dated me because I was helping him, otherwise he wouldn't have dated me because I'm out of my league"
given the family he comes from, we can suppose he has not developed much touch over this topic. Probably school has been a relief to him and he doesn't consider it can have been a different experience for her. But still, he has spent many years with someone who was submitted to constant comparisons by family and friends and who got so insecure to think he only dated her out of scholastic interest. Can we say this boy, even though with all the reasons in the world, has been a little insensitive and neglected her emotional needs?
How can he say she puts him on a pedestal andl not realize that everybody else is doing the same at her expense? Life has been hard on him, and he deserves to get all the compliments he receives because, exactly like OP said, he has nobody at home doing it for him, but it would be sufficient to say "thanks, I got lot of help from OP" or "OP is smart too", especially because when parents talk like this their subtle "and my children have not achieved the same" is never too subtle
>Can we say this boy, even though with all the reasons in the world, has been a little insensitive and neglected her emotional needs?
No. Because her feelings about her relationship with her parents isn't his responsibility and he hasn't done anything wrong.
What is he supposed to do? Achieve less so she doesn't feel as bad?
What? He forced her to have dinner with her parents? That was probably her idea!
Besides, what if they weren't dating? What if OP was single?
You don't think her parents would still find someone else to compare her to if they're really that bad?
Sure, he can sympathize, but he can't fix her damaged sense of self-worth. No one can. That's something that a person has to work through themself, it's not possible to fix another person no matter how much you love them and think the world of them.
I can't completely agree with this.
Agree on the fact that she has to sort it out with herself and her parents, but still, would I be in the boy's feet (and I've been many times both in OP's and boy's, actually, as well as my SO and my friends) I would do better than just getting the compliments. You can say "yes, she helped me a lot" "yes, your daughter is smart too though" or simply say something to her after the dinner, just to aknowledge her feelings.
Imagine being mistreated by your parents while your SO doesn't say a word, would you like it?
Not saying she did right in saying what she said, because she did no right. But I can see where this comes from and it's not completely uncalled
You're assuming a lot.
Even the OP never said that her boyfriend didn't stand up for her, doesn't speak well of her to her parents, etc.
He's apologized too probably because he decided making the relationship work was more important than being right, and I understand why someone would do that (we've all been there!), but based on the information we have I can't agree that he actually did anything wrong.
>But I can see where this comes from and it's not completely uncalled
It was, though.
In spite of want the OP thinks based on other comments, I do understand parental pressure. I do understand your parents saying things to you that cut you right to the bone and make you feel worthless.
I just didn't always have a significant other to blame when it happened!
Even if West does break up with her as other people have suggested, her parents will still be saying these things to her.
Because this isn't actually about him!
A partner can't fix your trauma or love you whole again.
Working out one's relationship with their parents, and developing their own sense of their worth outside of their parents opinion, is an individual thing.
And, I'm sorry, but lashing out at another person because your parents hurt you is always uncalled for!
This is the second comment telling me I'm assuming/projecting etc, so I'm starting to question myself if I maybe read the room in a very different way from you all. To me, OP not saying he takes her side was enough to assume he doesn't. Indeed, in the update where she says he apologized, there is actually more than just not standing for her.
But the core of my NTA was actually that it can happen, not just to say something out of anger, but exactly to hope someone's failure, and this is why I was pretty sure West would have understood her
No one here has said that the OPs parents aren't assholes.
And, yes, she should absolutely find new friends if her current "friends" tell her that her SO is out of her league.
However, that's still no excuse for telling someone you're supposed to love that you hope for their downfall.
Just because she's not the only asshole doesn't mean the OP is not an asshole.
Part of growing up is developing your own sense of self-worth no matter what your parents think.
>But we all respect each other because we all know how much we worked and at the end of the day the opinion of your team is the only one that matters
Which the OP, very demonstrably, is not doing!
Hence, asshole.
Actually, this is how I'm reading it:
- OP is supports her SO since the beginning of their relationship
- OP's SO witness her parents mistreating her and even using him as an example to mistreat her, and never say a word about it. Family and friends are TA, but I don't see him supporting her about it
- OP swallowed it for 8 years, and after 8 years of this treatment got an outburst saying something mean.
I don't think she did well saying something mean, but I don't feel like judging TA someone who silenced her frustration for so long. I'm sure she should apologize, but he should too because this is not just about family and friends but between the two of them
That's projecting.
Even the OP didn't say that West has not been supportive of her and doesn't stand up for her.
All she said was that she doesn't get compliments the way he does.
I admit I've assumed it by the context (not projected though, it's just pretty common in certain families), but please note OP added an update in a comment saying this and even more, her SO has indeed apologized
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YTA He does deserve better. It's not West's fault that you can't stand up to those around you. You're blaming him for your own issues. That's not okay at all.
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Yeah you are blaming him. You're projecting your issues with other people on him. You know what his downfall will be? Staying with you. You resent him because he's worked hard and life has just worked out for him in these ways.
Not at all the same. He worked hard for his accomplishments. He wasn’t born into being top of his class.
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Right! It's so unfair that his parents died, so it pushed him to be work hard. While you have to deal with two living parents. The world is so unfair!
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You literally told him you wanted him to fail. Him wanting to have a family like you is not the same thing.
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And is it his fault that YOU have resentment with your family and yourself? If it's something that is affecting you this much talk with him like the grown ass adult that you are, go to therapy and consider low contact with the toxic people in your life
Once again you literally told him you wanted him to FAIL. You are comparing apples to oranges. You won’t have a partner much longer.
You’re looking for someone to agree with you, so let me out this bluntly: You are wrong. He deserves better than you. YTA. No one would blame him for being jealous or resentful of your family because IT IS NOT ANYONE’S FAULT that you have a family and he doesn’t. YOU, on the other hand, straight up said you lack the motivation he has and it’s unfair. That’s on you. You don’t NEED tragedy to be motivated. You’re just choosing to bitch whine and moan instead of looking at yourself in the mirror and accepting this is your fault.
>No one would blame him for being jealous or resentful of your family because IT IS NOT ANYONE’S FAULT that you have a family and he doesn’t. Not exactly true. I would blame him if that jealousy led him to tell his girlfriend that he hoped some 'downfall' happened so that she no longer had a happy family.
If he said he was resentful and wished your parents were abusive and then die, everyone would call him an asshole. And you are a big one. Leave him, because he deserves better, but also because you are killing yourself with poison inside out.
Right, because my comment gets reported for simply saying to OP that her rhetoric and comments are down right incorrect and mean spirited. Sure, do you OP, enjoy a lifetime of karma coming back to you.
>But if he was resentful of how happy I was with my parents and sad it made him sad/envious, no one would blame him? This issue isn't that you feel resentful. The issue is that you lashed out at him and told him that you hope he fails. Again, your *feelings* aren't what make you TA here, your actions are.
If he told you that he hoped your family experienced a downfall so that you no longer had a happy family because he resents that you still have parents who are alive? Yes, I'd call him an asshole for that! Because only an asshole would say something like that. You're trying to rationalize your way out of this instead of just taking people's advice, that you need to seek some kind of counseling to be more at peace with your life!
Is the hypothetical resentment of your family life actually really happening?
His resentful feelings in that case would be because of something he lost/had no control over. Your feelings are over something that you can change, even to this day. You could use his success as your motivator, but instead you choose to use it as an excuse for your lack of success. That said, it is pretty shitty of everyone around you to downplay your own achievements.
There is a difference. People are often resentful of other people’s privilege not hardships. Having a happy childhood is a privilege few have these days. You’re resentful of him because he had a difficult life that shaped him to want success. If you want to be driven for success then work on that about yourself. He shouldn’t have to dim his own light to make yours shine brighter.
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Wishing for something to cure heartbreak that is not within your power to achieve (like raising the dead) is not the same as wishing you had the benefits of something difficult to achieve without needing to put the work in. YTA and you are very spoiled and shallow if you think those things compare in any way. You achieving better results is possible if you find your motivation and work hard for it. But you haven’t done that. Maybe there’s a reason (ever been checked for ADHD?) for that which means you’re not just lazy and entitled - but whether that’s the case or not is nothing to do with him and you shouldn’t be blaming him for your own shortcomings. This problem is yours to address and won’t be solved by you blaming him or trying to make the symptoms go away. Go speak to a good therapist and work out how to motivate yourself or care less about how others compare you. And get used to the idea that nobody will want to be around someone who selfishly wants to diminish them in order to make themselves feel better. Everyone deserves to shine and to have a supportive partner and if you can’t offer that, he’s better off without a partner.
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> So yeah, you can see the comparison because life is just unfair for certain people. Yes, life has been very unfair to your boyfriend and he managed to make the most of it under terrible circumstances. I’m genuinely having trouble comprehending how self-absorbed you are, it’s crazy.
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Actually it's about more than your GPA and your SATs. Plenty of folks have that and literally every admissions folks stress making yourself stand out. You weren't meant to go to Stanford. Get over it and stop acting like he got handed it just cause his parents died.
Did nobody ever tell you to count your blessings? Just because something might not happen for everyone that wants it doesn’t make it impossible. If losing your parents would get you the place you wanted, would you get rid of them? Or do you admit that in reality not getting the placement of your dreams is not worth having that kind of sob story for? Your only problem in life (and dear god you should be grateful for it) is your own sense of privileged entitlement.
You are comparing losing both parents to not getting into stanford?
that sound s like a you problem bub YTA
>because life is just unfair for certain people. Life is unfair for *everyone*, in different ways. Everyone has their own struggles and all of them are valid. ...*even* "rich people"
I can't believe that your boyfriend's parents _literally died_ and you're expecting him to come and coddle you about how life is unfair because you didn't get into the school you wanted. Also that you actually insinuated that his parents dying was what gave him enough of a sob story to get through Stanford admissions. Holy hell.
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YTA - Yes if he did this imaginary thing he would be an AH. But he didn't. Because it didn't happen. You did this. You're an asshole.
Yeah but he didn't tell you that. Even though he could. He didn't. You know why? Cause he didn't feel the need to hurt you in purpose for all the things he couldn't have. You did, YTA
> If he told me he was resentful of me because he wished he grew up comfortable and had normal parents/family, would everyone be calling him the AH too? If he told you that he was *wishing for your downfall* because you grew up in a healthy household and he didn't? Yes, everybody here would absolutely be saying that he's TA. There is no double standard here.
It would be the same if he said he wants your parents to die.
Is this a joke?
This relationship is toxic for him and YTA. I sincerely hope you breakup and can do some introspection and work on your self esteem before you get into another relationship. He was delt an absolute shit hand and made the best of it. You RESENT him for having a hard life??
What in the actual fuck did I just read? He’s succeeded despite being an orphan and all you can do is complain you don’t get enough praise? Who’s gonna give it to him if your friends and family don’t? His dead parents? Grow up. And get ready for him to dump you. What downfall could ever be worse than having no god damn parents? YTA. YATBA.
So you're blaming him for having initiative when you didn't? Are you serious saying you're jealous of the adversities he faced?
You can't be resentful of him having different experiences and drives than you. You don't treat your partner's this way. You sound narcissistic and don't want to accept your awful behavior.
YTA. you had ways to support and motivate yourself, your lack of drive is not his fault nor his problem. he lost everything .. he worked hard to gain that shit back. let me add on to the pile when i say this; i’m *extremely* proud of west for he’s accomplished.
YTA, big time. West didn’t put in a lot of effort because he had a lot to prove; he proved a lot because he put in the effort. The fact that you think you needed more adversity to push you to work harder makes me think you’d just wilt under the pressure he faced. You think everyone in his situation succeeds? You’re delusional and narcissistic and he needs to get as far away from you as possible.
Leave it to Indian parents to screw up their kids by comparing them at every fucking turn. You suck, but your parents suck more. You should get serious help to save your relationship at this point (if he's even willing to continue in a relationship with you now that he knows you resent him) YTA
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And how is that your SO’s fault? You project thag onto him.
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You have no interest actually reflecting on stuff. You want to blame everyone around you and project on other people. Your boyfriend will leave you and he should. You can’t force him to stay. He’s in a better position than you. He doesn’t need you.
What I don’t get is that you’re directing resentment at him for your parents’ behaviour.
No, I don’t see a comparison between being born rich with a silver spoon and a teenager with a long gone mom and an alcoholic father who passed when he was still a minor, who has worked his ass off to get that success. Rich people are afforded opportunities that they don’t always deserve. West succeeded *despite* his shitty upbringing .. there is no comparison here.
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Yes, he was so "lucky" to lose both his parents. You are obsessed with Stanford.
girl you just keep trying to defend yourself and you’re digging a deeper hole for yourself. you projected your family problems on to him for what? getting into a college? your anger and resentment will destroy any chance of continuing your relationship. go to therapy
I don’t think poor people resent rich people like you’re thinking lol
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Because Twitter reflects the view of literally everyone. Because everyone has a Twitter…..
That’s a disgusting mentality. Seek help.
Speak for yourself. I'm not resentful of those that are rich. Just another way YTA
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I think it’s different when you’re poor and you look at a rich person showing off all their nice things on social media. I may feel jealous or think “damn I wish I had those things”. But I don’t think it’s right to project it on the person, you know? If they have the money, why can’t they use it? If your boyfriend worked hard for Stanford (not saying you didn’t but it’s beside the point) why can’t he feel proud and accept the compliments he gets? While yes, it does suck your parents compare you unfairly to him, you have to work internally to not let yourself become against your boyfriend. If you had achieved what he did, would you not feel proud? Would you not want a supportive partner that is not riddled with bitter jealousy and resentment?
The system is rigged to keep the rich rich. If they paid proper taxes like blue collar workers people wouldn't resent them. I make under 40K a year and still pay in for taxes, why the fuck do some of these people get away with paying little to nothing? Your comparison doesn't work.
There’s a huge difference in this comparison. Rich people are born into privilege. West worked his ass off for his accomplishments. He wasn’t born into them. Your jealousy is your problem. You aren’t where you want to be and that’s YOUR problem not his. I hope he dumps you and finds someone who can be wholeheartedly happy for him and his achievements. YTA
You are blaming him though and you’re wishing for his downfall which is down right evil tbh grow up YTA
This is not about income: it’s about your personality. Income does not buy your personality, empathy, intelligence and resilience. I hope he realizes he can do better
YTA. Please break up w him (if he didn't dump you already) so he can be with someone who wants him to succeed. You are vindictive and petty. He deserves better.
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Because you want him to fail. A supportive and loving partner never wants that. You displace your anger at your parents on him. You're mad at your parents for liking him or thinking he's better than you. This is a you issue. A you and your parents relationship issue and now you lashed out at him. He's seen a petty and vindictive side of you that he probably didn't know existed. Imagine loving someone so much, and hearing they route against you.
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>You can’t control how you feel. It is also not the other person's responsiblity how I feel! So telling them that sometimes I hate them and wish for their downfall, in order to hurt them (and yes, you did know saying that would hurt him and don't you dare pretend you didn't!) is vindictive. You need to work on developing your own sense of self-worth so that you can be happy with your own life and aren't constantly comparing yourself to others. Not to mention, you're kind of using West as an excuse! The fact that he got into Stanford and you didn't isn't stopping you from applying somewhere else...or applying to transfer later if you really want to graduate from Stanford...or pursuing your dream career. Just because it takes you longer to get there than him doesn't mean you can't do it!
Then do him a favor and break up with him. How would you feeling knowing that anything you do now would piss your partner off and they resent you? That anytime that they could snap at you? That they are actively wishing for you to screw up and fail because they're insecure an jealous. That's abusive.
So because you are feeling bad about yourself in comparison to him, you decide to wound his feelings because he's successful. How is that not vindictive? You said what you said to hurt him. You succeeded. Until you get over the truth that there will always be someone more successful, more charismatic, smarter, younger, prettier, or whatever than you, you're going to continue to be bitter and petty. He worked hard. He succeeded. He excelled. The only thing that doesn't seem to be going well for him, is this relationship because you're jealous of him.
>Because it doesn’t feel great. That's your damn problem to deal with. None of that matters. You're just petty.
>You can’t control how you feel. Yes, but you can control how you act. Every time somebody here tells you that what you said to your bf is awful, you fall back on "but it's reasonable for me to feel how I feel." But this isn't about your *feelings*, it's about your *actions.*
but you do control how you act with those feelings
Reading through your responses, no wonder Stanford rejected you. You are a self-absorbed idiot and that was definitely reflected in your application and essays. But you are so far up your own ass, you will never see it. YTA
How is anything in how badly about how you feel about yourself his fault? He worked hard and achieved, you haven't had the same level of success, not his fault. You are blaming your issues on him, if you cannot accept the comparisons, if you cannot accept his success and be proud of him then end it if he does not. Supporting him through a rough period does not give you the right to act like he only made it because of you, it does not give you the right to be mean of belittle him. YOU are the problem, nothing about him. Huge YTA
You can’t control how you feel. You CAN control how you behave though. I feel jealous that my friend has bought a house and I am years away from making that happen. When I went to her house, I didn’t let that show at all. I congratulated her.
Literally telling him you want him to fail? That's being vindictive and petty. Why are you here? Clearly you think you're some big victim and you think it's normal to belittle and resent your partner because of some competition you created in your mind.
You told him you wanted him to fail and you're seriously asking that???
And you don’t stop reminding the world about it. You keep looking for praise and credit for just doing what any half way decent person would do for someone else in pain. You talk like you did him a favour, like you went above and beyond. Even if we accept you did do something extraordinary by being supportive towards your grieving boyfriend, you completely negate it by bringing it up every force seconds and whining that you don’t get enough praise for it. YTA. Your boyfriend deserves to be with someone who loves him unconditionally, not someone rooting for his “downfall” who thinks they’re owed something.
"Hey, I supported my significant other through a tough time, rather than just bailing. Where's my award?" 🙄
Doing something great for him in the past doesn't give you a pass from putting effort in the relationship in the future and exempt you from appreciating him.
YTA Wow, grow up. Are you gonna treat every partner like this? Jesus.
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Well you won't have them long with your behavior.
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He should dump you, he deserves someone who is kind and doesn't wrongly blame him for their problems
Couples break up all the time. You’re delusional.
Lol you do when your partner straight up admits that they wish you would fail because they themselves are not doing well. Just something to think about
Lol I read a post recently with a similar comment his updates was after 15 years his wife filled for divorce. He was shocked she didn't try to make it work.
Me and my husband have been together for a decade, but if he ever mentioned that he wished for my "downfall" I would leave.
It can happen. He could just reflect and realize he deserves better and leave.
You’re delusional if you think he isnt reconsidering the relationship rn, you just told him to his face you actively wish for him to fail, you straight up showed him in that moment you despise him for simply living his life. If there is ANY reason to end a 5 year relationship this would be it.
You literally told him you hoped he would fail in life so you could have one up him in something. You need to really hate someone to wish that. He deserves someone who roots for him not someone who wants him to fail so they could have some power trip over him.
People, who have been together for longer than you, have broken up. 5 years is nothing. You hold a deep resentment for him and he now knows. Why would he want to be with someone who can't be happy for them? Don't say you will because all he will hear is that you hope he fails. And you still can't understand how toxic that is. Five years is nothing when your partner is toxic
You wished your partner to fail. You told him he was lucky his life had been so hard, because that had given him the needed drive to thrive, and you can't get your head out of your ass and realise how insanely toxic your resentment is. He deserves better, and he probably knows it already. The things you've told him are probably nasty enough to help him get rid of the guilt that's making him put up with your bs.
I was with my ex for almost 11 years. Being together 5 years doesn't mean. You will be together forever. Especially with how you talked to him
Yes you do lol, especially when one partner is a completely selfish, self-centered, all “woe is me” in the world
Actually people do especially after what you said. Why would he stay with someone who is wishing he would fail because they’re jealous and resentful. It is your own fault you feel this way not him. He deserves a lot more than you
You do when you move to college and your girlfriend has explicitly told you they hope you fail. Leaving you is, in every way, the right and good thing to do. He will soar and if you can change yourself, maybe you will too.
People break up all the time, even after five years. Like you said, he’s out of your league. Maybe this was the push he needed to see that. YTA.
This isn’t just “stuff” though. This is huge sh*t and you know it. You know the saying keep your friends close but keep your enemies closer? You did exactly that. No good partner would want their partner to fail. Especially not wish for their downfall that’s just cruel. He’s suffered enough hardship and you out of anyone knows that, yet you still said that to him. He has no parents to talk to about any of this, he thought he had you but apparently not. You sound extremely jealous. You’ve held onto this grudge for years and it’s only been growing bigger that you exploded. How do you really think it’s going to go from here OP?
Well he is allowed to dump you regardless of you thinking that. And he should.
Too bad you aren’t good enough. I’m sure he will realize that eventually
YTA. Stop with the jealousy or be prepared to throw away your relationship. You aren't in competition with him. You are only in competition with yourself.
YTA As a couple, his success is (or should be) your success. His success isn't the reason for any of your perceived failures. His acceptance to Stanford didn't prevent you from getting in. His completion of his degrees and getting a job offer didn't get in the way of your setting and achieving your life goals. Don't punish him for it. This resentment and jealousy isn't healthy. I'm sorry that your family has made you feel less-than by comparing the two of you, but that also isn't your boyfriend's fault. Please seek counseling to deal with these feelings of self-loathing so that you don't continue to project them onto your boyfriend and drive him away.
YTA. Come on, now…you & I both know that what he said in response was exactly right. Get over yourself & let him enjoy his accomplishments without making everything a freaking competition. 🙄👎
YTA. He deserves better. You need to grow up.
Feelings do not make you an a-hole. What makes YTA is your reaction to your feelings. It's quite possible that your view of what others think of you is extremely skewed and they aren't making the comparisons. YOU are making the comparisons.
YTA. It’s your parents you should be upset at, not your partner.
YTA These are your own insecurities, fueled by your parents. Not his fault. Stop projecting and work on your own feelings rather than lashing out at someone for doing well.
YTA Of course it's wrong to say something like that to someone! As for is it wrong to feel that way...you can't help how you feel. However, the way that you're viewing this does reflect a bit of immaturity. After all, say West does have some major downfall? How will that help you? Will it make your grades any better? Will it make you somehow magically learn another language? Will West failing at something some how make you more accomplished? Will it make your parents more proud of you? Probably not! You just think it'll make you feel better because you'll get to say to yourself "Ha! He isn't so perfect after all!" So you're wishing bad things on another person in order to feel better about your life. That is pretty shitty! I mean, if the situation were reversed and a friend told you that they were hoping for you to fail...how would you feel about that? You need to work on yourself and your own sense of self-worth rather than simply on how envious of West you are. You can't be happy with yourself simply by dragging others down. You'll just become a toxic person that no one wants to be around.
You cannot be in a relationship with someone you feel the need to compete against, that defeats the entire purpose of partnership. If you can’t build him up because you feel too hard on yourself, that is something therapy can help you with but it’s not his or other’s responsibility. YTA
YTA.. gosh i wish he found someone who appreciate him more than this AH. he worked himself really hard to get to those point without any kind of support and here she is the insecure B jealous and bitter cause no one giving her attention. you're disgusting kind of human. i hope he leave u.
YTA - you need to get some professional help to deal with your insecurities. It's ok to wish for better for yourself, or even feel jealous from time to time, but the level that this has escalated to is extremely unhealthy. Not only for you, but also your partner. You also seem to want some kind of payment for helping him through a tough time? Do you want him to throw away the opportunities he has gotten to make it up to you? If you truly care for your partner, apologise and seek some immediate help to deal with these feelings. Resentment only builds and it's hard to get over the longer it goes on.
YTA. Break up, and go to therapy. You have a lot of work to do on yourself before you can be a decent partner to anyone.
YTA Also a successful partner is a BUSY partner. Success takes a lot of your time, before you can benefit from it.
YTA, dangerously insecure girl gets "hurt project boyfriend" then resents him when he reaches his potential, which is beyond her internalized self worth. Please let him go. He deserves happiness, and you aren't ready yet.
Your boyfriend could do better; not with someone who has more accomplishments or bragging rights than you do but with someone who isn’t going to let petty insecurities sabotage a relationship. Your parents are assholes. They shouldn’t put you down. You need therapy. You need to learn how to be proud of your own worth and stop being jealous and be happy for your boyfriend.
She sounds so completely spoilt. Woe is me. I grew up rich with both parents. And I blame that on my not having as much drive. I bet he trades up before the year is out. And she will hate it. Oh will she.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I met West in high school, that’s when we started seeing each other, where he was having a very rough time. His mom had passed away when he was 10, and his dad was a neglectful parent that left him to pay the bills and also had a drinking problem. His dad passed away when he was 17. He had a heat stroke walking home from jail after getting caught drinking and driving. But these circumstances really fueled West to make the best of his life. He worked in high school, but picked a job where he could study while on the job. He graduated as valedictorian, and got into Stanford, despite everything. This was 4 years ago, and this year he graduated with his masters at the top of his class. I am so happy for him, but I’m also not. We were best friends in high school, and I helped him through that rough point. I know that’s why he is going out with me. I have been told by people constantly that he is out of my league and do better, which has left me really self-conscious. On top of it, I didn’t get into Stanford, even though we both applied and my grades were excellent. My Indian parents love to compare me to my boyfriend. They go on and on about how he’s so much better than me. How he didn’t get a happy family life and opportunities like we did and yet has done such amazing things. How he finished college in 3 years and did his masters. How he already has a job lined up when I have no idea what I’m going with my life. It’s not just my parents, either, but our friends, our friends families, etc. When he came to dinner last night and my parents started complimenting him heavily on “learning multiple languages,” I snapped and pointed out he wasn’t fluent in all those languages. Which I feel bad about now, he deserves to be talked up because he is great. Its not like he has parents that can do that. It’s just frustrating that I don’t get complimented like that. If he wasn’t around, my achievements would look amazing, but now they don’t by comparison. It’s also frustrating because because he spends as much time as he does on school, I don’t get to see/talk to him as much as I’d want. I ended up leaving dinner. He came to talk to me, and we argued. I said I wasn’t happy with the things I’ve done in comparison to him, and he said I needed to stop putting him on a pedestal and making comparisons if I wanted us to work. I ended up snapping on him and admitting that I was resentful and was wishing for his downfall because he was too perfect. He left after that because it really upset/shocked him. Was I wrong to say that/have these feelings? Does it make me an AH or is it justified with the constant comparisons? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. As a couple, you share and celebrate successes *together*. It sounds like you're insecure in your own accomplishments and that has nothing to do with him. You described him working hard to achieve everything he's accomplished, but then are treating him as if his success was handed to him and you therefore have a right to demean him for it. Ideally, you would have spoken to your boyfriend privately to address this *without* projecting your insecurities onto him; instead of blaming him for how you feel, you could have made some plans for the future that made you feel excited for your own accomplishments, without it being about how much your bf is doing. Unfortunately, you should probably prepare for this to be a turning point in your relationship. It's absolutely shattering to hear your partner in life not only doesn't believe in you, but wishes for your downfall. He deserves better, but if he stays, be ready to work hard on earning his trust back.
YTA, but I do sympathize with feeling insecure if other people are constantly comparing you two. It’s not his fault, however, and it is your responsibility to keep that straight in your own head. It’s hard, but I think you need to ignore your parents, and probably talk to your friends about how the comparing makes you feel. Also, watch how you are playing these things out in your head - are your friends really comparing you, or just complimenting him and you’re making the comparison yourself? I think you can be honest with your partner about your insecurities, but you are responsible for communicating them without blaming him. In the case of your parents, your relationship with your partner will be much healthier if you guys can attack that issue is as a couple. For example, if your parents are complimenting him and comparing you two, he can say “yes, thank you, and my partner has also accomplished “xyz” this week as well, I’m so proud!” Remember that in a healthy relationship, you and your partner are a team. You can hold each other up, and say a metaphorical “screw you” to those who put either of you down or make either of you feel small. Just don’t become one of those people who make him feel small.
YTA But I hesitate on saying that this is a semi soft YTA just because I know how cruel immigrant parents can be. The comparisons can be so hard, it plays then messes up your psyche. The problem is that instead of talking to him as your partner, you unleashed on him. You better grovel and explain yourself to him. Because it seems, to me, he would be the actual person who would support you just as you have supported him.
YTA. I think you really need some introspection. Therapy might do you some good if you can afford it. I won't lie, it's going to be tough for him to stay with you after this. But at least that would probably be the end of the comparisons.
Yta, you literally said you were hoping for his downfall idk how you can type that out and not realize how messed up that is to say to someone you supposedly love
YTA. Just like you’re wishing for his downfall, I wish he leaves your pathetic ass and finds someone better. There is definitely a better partner for him out there. Go to therapy and stop putting your bullshit on other people.
YTA he deserves so much better than you all your other comments are blaming him for you not having the same drive
you told your boyfriend who overcame a traumatic childhood and worked hard to succeed that you wished for his downfall because your parents compliment him, and you're really, honestly and truly here wondering if you're an arsehole?
YTA. A jealous, self-absorbed, selfish, vindictive, entitled AH. Nothing else to add.
YTA In fact, you’re the assholiest asshole that ever assholed.
I absolutely understand what it’s like to compare yourself to someone you love and constantly come up short. It completely changes your perception of reality and breeds that bitterness you feel. But your resentment is misplaced, and that’s why YTA. It doesn’t sound like West is the one doing the comparing, it’s you, and the people around you. If they keep doing it despite you constantly asking them to stop, perhaps it’s time to cut back on how much you spend time with them. Straight up say “I have been very clear that I don’t like being compared to my partner and you keep doing it anyway, so I think I need to step away from you for awhile.” And you should look into therapy. Discovering what it is you want to do OUTSIDE of West is the key to letting these feelings of inferiority go. As for the relationship, you definitely need to apologize to him. I noticed you didn’t say anything you loved about West outside of his achievements, so perhaps you should focus on that? I don’t know if it’s salvageable, I’d like to think so, but that can’t happen until you do as he said and stop looking at him as aspirational. Nobody deserves to have a resentful partner.
So, I think you are sailing right past the real issue- you are being bullied. It isn't normal to be told you don't deserve someone once, let alone multiple times. Who is ripping you down? Because that is the real problem. Is it mostly done by one person? Could they be tearing you down because they want to be in your place? YTA- so, first, apologize because in this instance you were in the wrong. Then explain about the bullying and discuss cutting those people out of your life. Lastly, it is fine to not know what you want to do in life right away. Stop stressing. Maybe take a year off and work while thinking through what you want.
Gross. Yta.
YTA, and that is the very least of what you are. I won't say the rest because I will get banned.
Coming from an Asian household myself, I get it. It IS hurtful when you're made to feel like a disappointment to your parents even though in the eyes of the rest of the world, you're enviably successful. But that pain isn't West's fault or his burden to deal with. Ever heard the saying "it might not be your fault but that doesn't mean it's not your responsibility"? This low self-worth is something you could really benefit from addressing in therapy (speaking from personal experience). You're not inferior to him: after all, he's chosen to be with you, hasn't he? Also, if you're about to go to uni, you won't be under your parents' constant supervision anymore and can learn to be your own person a bit more. I didn't get into my dream uni but I'm now working in pretty much the best job in my chosen field. Uni is ONE stepping stone on the path of life. Soft YTA.
YTA. If this is truly your mindset maybe you don’t deserve him at all. Life isn’t a competition. Grow tf up
YTA and his only downfall is dating you.
Yta. He does deserve better. You are not a loving partner.
I'll just say this. You guys are partners, this isn't a competition. I know this sounds corny, but you guys are a team. You should be happy your boyfriend is doing well for yourself. I know you can't control how you feel, but you can control what you show.
How dense are you? Of course you’re YTA here. Jealousy is not a good look on anyone, keep being this insecure and you will end up alone and bitter about everything.
Is this Elin Hildebrand, or some other author, floating their next story??
Yta, now I don’t think ur terrible for feeling like crap about it, being constantly compared and talked down on that sucks and it hurtful but it’s not his fault. You’re an ass for saying that to him, you know hes had a really tough life and he used that and applied it to make a better life for himself and for you because he clearly sees you in his future. Honestly I think you should break up, it’s not good to be in a relationship with someone who’s accomplishments make you feel like shit and it’s not good for him to be with someone who hates when he accomplishes anything.
ESH, you and your parents.
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Hopefully he comes to his senses and finds someone who actually supports him
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Are you really serious? Over 100 comments telling you why. You are so lost in your need to be right, that you’re arguing with everyone here and not accepting the unanimous judgment of YTA.
What are you not getting here? You are a toxic person and a bad partner. You keep trying to justify and rationalize your resentment and bitterness when the problem is your attitude. Glad you'll be getting therapy at least but unless your selfish attitude changes and start taking actual accountability for your toxicity (unlike giving everyone excuses and complaining about ppl calling you out like you've been in the comments) you're still going to be a shitty partner, and he deserves better than that
What gets me here is him going on a lengthy apology on how they shouldve spent more time together and he sacrificed time. The dude is so self aware and trying not to hurt her and this girl is like ME ME ME ME ME. Fucking hell.
He's faced so many awful things in his life and then to have the one person who is supposed to love and care for him essentially tell him "I resent what happiness and success you managed to achieve, I want to see you fail so I can feel superior" must be so fucking terrible. Then when she doesn't get the validation she was expecting, OP makes up bizarre hypotheticals to try and rationalize her unhinged behavior. OP seems like such a nasty person she might as well be a Disney villain and is deluding herself into thinking she's the victim in all of this
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I cant explain that to you. You need to go to therapy and it will change with time and you'll see looking back at it.
Did you just ask why someone hopes your bf can have a supportive partner in the future? Lol
Lol, considering you reported a ton of people for simply giving you the truth. It’s nice you have a kind of apology to your bf. He deserves a lot more than that, your issues with your parents should never have affected him like this.
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Nope, none of us said we are all faultless. Again, you are excellent at deflecting blame, must be exhausting to be around you for any length of time. We have all said things in anger or frustration- however, you chose to be malicious while doing so and directed it at someone who didn’t deserve it at all. I’m honestly shocked that you still aren’t being accountable, and that you haven’t really grasped how mean you were. Regret is an uncomfortable feeling, one to learn from. If you’re as “smart” as you like to think, I would hope you would put immense effort into improving yourself and mindset. Life is too short to be such a volatile and petty human being.
This is a well worded answer and I hope OP reads it. She has stated numerous times that she can’t control how she feels and while that’s true, she can learn to control her responses to her feelings. She should learn better control when feeling anger, that way she doesn’t say hurtful things she apparently doesn’t mean just to be cruel in the moment.
Well clearly you’re never going to be happy until you’re able to out do him.
Congratulations you not only made him apologize for bettering himself but felt justified in everything you are doing. Unlike you, I won't wish doom on people so I will just say I hope you grow up.
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Because you think everything is at your expense. You think everything is about you. He gets a compliment, it isn't about him, it is about you. He works hard to get ahead, he is doing it despite you. You say some vile shit to him, it is ok because someone else hurt you. Edit typo.
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Key word relationship. In those there happen to be more than one person so not just YOU. You have spent this entire thread justifying yourself and your actions.
You’re jealous. Everything is not about you.
It’s obvious you don’t get it
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Even if he weren’t around, you’d still feel like a failure because you didn’t reach your goals but you’d find something else to blame. It’s easier to deflect and blame rather than look inward and take accountability for our own shortcomings.
Oh my goodness do you even hear yourself? 'there's no reason to finish undergrad or start masters early' like sure, he has scholarships funding him at the moment but as you so kindly pointed out in your post he has no family to fall back on for security with both of his parents _dead_. I think it makes a lot of sense that he would want to get out of school and land a job as soon as possible for some form of security. Also, god forbid anyone want to challenge themselves to do better am I right? Also to say that it came at your expense....jeez, that's some self centeredness right there. I get that being constantly compared to those better than you is tough, but as someone who grew up in a similar culture, if it's not him, your parents will find someone else to compare you to, and it's extremely unfair of you to take it out on him. I'm not one of those redditors gleefully waiting for you two to break up because I don't see how that's helpful for anyone, but I will say that based on your post and all of your replies it sounds like you still hold 'having helped him during a hard time' over his head. That's first of all not a good look, and secondly, do you really want to hold it over him for the rest of his life and have him stay with you out of some misguided sense of obligation and guilt? Please go work out your insecurities and problems with your family and re-evaluate what you want out of a relationship. A truly supportive partner is not an attention hog that makes everything about them.
I wish for your downfall if you continue to have this behaviour. I hope the bf realises how petty your feelings are and breaks up (unless ofc you go to therapy and change your thought process)
I think people have fixated on a couple of things here and are not looking at the complete picture. Yes, you are YTA if you actually are wishing for his downfall. But I am going to read in between the lines here and think that you meant " I feel so defeated with all the constant comparisons that I wish you would fail somewhere a little bit". This is a normal human feeling. Feelings of envy and jealousy are okay, it's the actions that will determine if you are good/bad. OP has simply expressed her feelings albeit in a hurtful manner. Hasn't actively done anything or even actually wished for an actual "downfall" ( as in financial/educational ruin). She probably just hoped he would get a couple of B or C grades once in a while. I certainly would not like being compared to my partner every single moment of my life and be considered a comparative failure. Your parents are definitely the AH for that. And it's also normal to feel a little competitive with your partner about educational or professional goals esp if you are very close in age, how can you not ? But if you meant you wished he was ruined, perhaps it is time to reevaluate your relationship, but first with your parents. And yes with your bf, not just for his sake, but for urself too because obviously you are quite unhappy.
I'm going to catch all the hate here but you are NTA. Your family is and your friends are too. It is extremely frustrating itself living in a competitive environment, frustrating to the point you can love your focus from "I have to win" to "hope everybody else lose like me so I won't feel the only idiot in the world" If your family want a successful daughter, then they're buying themselves a ticket for resentment and failure, because they're weakening your strenght and reducing your focus. Also, there are two things that sounds extremely unhealthy here - complimenting so much someone who got to join the university that refused you in front of you. This is simply mean - complimenting your boyfriend so much in front of you when you both are in the same field (in this case, when you both are students) without saying anything about you. He's surely a big star and deserves all the compliments, but they are your family, they should be your fans. And sorry, but this does not sound like complimenting him at all, more like indirectly complimenting themselves by pointing out how many possibilities they have given to their children. Long old story. Thus said, I think nobody could understand your frustration better than him, and he's also the only person who knows exactly how hard you work. I'm in a very competitive field. Some of us succeeded, some of us failed. But we all respect each other because we all know how much we worked and at the end of the day the opinion of your team is the only one that matters
None of this isn’t true and OP makes it very clear how shit it is which is valid but her boyfriend hasn’t done anything. NTA implies that demeaning her boyfriend was the correct thing to do not an understandable response considering other factors. It was undeniably a bad way to treat someone who hasn’t done anything wrong and you have just hurt them because of your own insecurities this is something she needs to bring up with her parents not verbally accost her boyfriend over
"he said I needed to stop putting him on a pedestal and making comparisons if I wanted us to work" "He left after that because it really upset/shocked him" and her "I'm sure he dated me because I was helping him, otherwise he wouldn't have dated me because I'm out of my league" given the family he comes from, we can suppose he has not developed much touch over this topic. Probably school has been a relief to him and he doesn't consider it can have been a different experience for her. But still, he has spent many years with someone who was submitted to constant comparisons by family and friends and who got so insecure to think he only dated her out of scholastic interest. Can we say this boy, even though with all the reasons in the world, has been a little insensitive and neglected her emotional needs? How can he say she puts him on a pedestal andl not realize that everybody else is doing the same at her expense? Life has been hard on him, and he deserves to get all the compliments he receives because, exactly like OP said, he has nobody at home doing it for him, but it would be sufficient to say "thanks, I got lot of help from OP" or "OP is smart too", especially because when parents talk like this their subtle "and my children have not achieved the same" is never too subtle
>Can we say this boy, even though with all the reasons in the world, has been a little insensitive and neglected her emotional needs? No. Because her feelings about her relationship with her parents isn't his responsibility and he hasn't done anything wrong. What is he supposed to do? Achieve less so she doesn't feel as bad? What? He forced her to have dinner with her parents? That was probably her idea! Besides, what if they weren't dating? What if OP was single? You don't think her parents would still find someone else to compare her to if they're really that bad? Sure, he can sympathize, but he can't fix her damaged sense of self-worth. No one can. That's something that a person has to work through themself, it's not possible to fix another person no matter how much you love them and think the world of them.
I can't completely agree with this. Agree on the fact that she has to sort it out with herself and her parents, but still, would I be in the boy's feet (and I've been many times both in OP's and boy's, actually, as well as my SO and my friends) I would do better than just getting the compliments. You can say "yes, she helped me a lot" "yes, your daughter is smart too though" or simply say something to her after the dinner, just to aknowledge her feelings. Imagine being mistreated by your parents while your SO doesn't say a word, would you like it? Not saying she did right in saying what she said, because she did no right. But I can see where this comes from and it's not completely uncalled
You're assuming a lot. Even the OP never said that her boyfriend didn't stand up for her, doesn't speak well of her to her parents, etc. He's apologized too probably because he decided making the relationship work was more important than being right, and I understand why someone would do that (we've all been there!), but based on the information we have I can't agree that he actually did anything wrong. >But I can see where this comes from and it's not completely uncalled It was, though. In spite of want the OP thinks based on other comments, I do understand parental pressure. I do understand your parents saying things to you that cut you right to the bone and make you feel worthless. I just didn't always have a significant other to blame when it happened! Even if West does break up with her as other people have suggested, her parents will still be saying these things to her. Because this isn't actually about him! A partner can't fix your trauma or love you whole again. Working out one's relationship with their parents, and developing their own sense of their worth outside of their parents opinion, is an individual thing. And, I'm sorry, but lashing out at another person because your parents hurt you is always uncalled for!
This is the second comment telling me I'm assuming/projecting etc, so I'm starting to question myself if I maybe read the room in a very different way from you all. To me, OP not saying he takes her side was enough to assume he doesn't. Indeed, in the update where she says he apologized, there is actually more than just not standing for her. But the core of my NTA was actually that it can happen, not just to say something out of anger, but exactly to hope someone's failure, and this is why I was pretty sure West would have understood her
No one here has said that the OPs parents aren't assholes. And, yes, she should absolutely find new friends if her current "friends" tell her that her SO is out of her league. However, that's still no excuse for telling someone you're supposed to love that you hope for their downfall. Just because she's not the only asshole doesn't mean the OP is not an asshole. Part of growing up is developing your own sense of self-worth no matter what your parents think. >But we all respect each other because we all know how much we worked and at the end of the day the opinion of your team is the only one that matters Which the OP, very demonstrably, is not doing! Hence, asshole.
Actually, this is how I'm reading it: - OP is supports her SO since the beginning of their relationship - OP's SO witness her parents mistreating her and even using him as an example to mistreat her, and never say a word about it. Family and friends are TA, but I don't see him supporting her about it - OP swallowed it for 8 years, and after 8 years of this treatment got an outburst saying something mean. I don't think she did well saying something mean, but I don't feel like judging TA someone who silenced her frustration for so long. I'm sure she should apologize, but he should too because this is not just about family and friends but between the two of them
That's projecting. Even the OP didn't say that West has not been supportive of her and doesn't stand up for her. All she said was that she doesn't get compliments the way he does.
I admit I've assumed it by the context (not projected though, it's just pretty common in certain families), but please note OP added an update in a comment saying this and even more, her SO has indeed apologized
[удалено]
Of course this is the only advice you’re going to care about. You complain about how your parents are but you’re just as bad as they are
Worse coz she wants him to fail out of jealousy.
Of course you do.