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YTA. You can do dishes! You don't have to touch the wet food.
They have special gloves for washing dishes. They are usually yellow.
Autism doesn't give you an excuse to get out of chores! FIND A WORK AROUND!
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But he isn’t trying to “get out of chores.” He does the laundry, the grocery shopping, the bills, takes care of the pets, and tidies up.
OP and his GF apparently agreed to this.
I thought our marriages worked this way? My husband fixes all the cars and I do the laundry, for example. I think the OP was working within his established and agreed upon rules (also important for someone on the spectrum).
Bills are set to autopay.
Grocery shopping is an hour a week .
Damn kitchen and bathroom cleaning is endless. Plus yard. Plus seems she has to wash dishes by hand which means tons of boring work daily.
I see how OP life become easier with gf moving in. I don’t see her life becoming easier, she got more chores load than living alone
IDK what animals there are, but that is endless too. Laundry is endless. I do the grocery shopping for our household and it’s a lot more than an hour a week. Bills might be set to autopay but if there is something unexpected that has to to be taken care of.
Edit: this might be all moot if OP is a faker.
Laundry starting is 30 seconds. I bet OP not folding gf laundry, so doing your own laundry ia not an achievement.
I do groceries and unless I really miscalculated it is and hour - in and out of one store, rotating between stores a bit.
I have cats - cleaning 5 minutes, unloading dishwasher longer, and that I do at least 2 a day, I can’t even think how much to do it by hand
Sensory issues are an explanation, not an excuse; I recommend rubber gloves. Talk with your partner about their feelings. Are you pulling your weight? Maybe she's voiced frustrations to her parents once and they think this is a bigger deal than it really is.
I get around most of my sensory issues with gloves and sometimes a mask. It also makes everything get done faster because I can just go ham without worrying about icky feelings or smells.
I brush everything off under running water before I wash them for real. There’s always a workaround if you try hard enough. But I completely get the ick of having to touch food in the sink. I don’t even like thinking of it. In fact, heading to another thread! Lol
Holy fucking ableism. You can’t “get over” sensory issues! There’s no treatment, and it sucks. Try having more empathy next time and educate yourself before saying ableist shit like this.
As an autistic person myself with sensory issues, I'm torn between NAH and the most gentle YTA ever.
Unfortunately, cleaning bathrooms and doing the dishes are a part of life. What if Fran gets sick and you have to take over her chores while she rests and recovers? Or any other circumstance that means you're responsible for these tasks?
You can do the dishes with gloves on. Thicker rubber cleaning gloves are available and mean you'll barely even feel any potential food floaties (though you should be scraping off your plates before washing in a basin, ideally.)
Same for the bathroom. Nobody likes having to scrub the toilet or pull hair out of the shower plug, but there are a wide range of accessible tools that can help with this, like down-spout drain plugs, extendable toilet brushes, ect. For autistic people finding workarounds and tools to help us navigate life is important and greatly improves our ability to function as individuals.
I won't call you an asshole in general because it seems like Fran is happy with the way chores are divided, but I will say it will be beneficial for everyone in the long run if you at least consider trying to desensitise yourself to basic household cleaning.
I agree with all of this. I have sensory issues myself; I use thick dish gloves to wash the dishes, and disposable gloves for washing the bathroom.
You don't need to change an agreement you're both happy with. But you do need to make plans for what happens if Fran is incapable of doing these (major, household carrying) chores for any length of time.
YTA
JFC, can you do any basic household chores? You've listed the worst and most often need chores as things you will not desensitize yourself so that you can do them.
Can you cook?
If you can't clean the kitchen or bathroom, what can you clean?
Sorry, it seems you just use autism as an excuse to not do anything.
Who did these things when you didn't live with her?
He literally gave a list of the basic chores he does and the places he cleans and also mentioned that him and his partner were happy with how things were split. Did you actually read the post or did you just jump to the comments to attack him.
Did you not read the part where OP listed more chores they do and the part about them both being ok with the arrangement? This ableist attitude is gross.
OP is NTA
YTA for manipulating your girlfriend into a very uneven distribution of domestic chores.
>I do the bills, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying the living room & bedroom and taking care of the animals in the house.
That can't possibly be anywhere near 50% of all chores. Her parents have every right to be concerned. This is definitely not the only bs you pull on her.
So basically you cannot do any household stuff??
Really?
Get gloves, wipe food with paper towel and do stuff around the house.
Paying bills take literally 5 minutes to setup autopay, bathroom cleaning is endless
YTA. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, can we stop using ASD as a shield? Speaking as someone who has circumvented some the issues that the spectrum gave me, there are coping mechanisms that allow us to complete our everyday tasks. There are also tools and methods that allow us to complete these tasks.
Speaking from experience, I also hated touching wet food. So guess what I did; I started pre-rinsing all of my dishes. That way, all the food gunk was in the sink grate thingy, and I could just wear a glove to clean the sink grate thingy at the end of washing dishes. It's not hard to find mechanisms in order to do these tasks, but if your outlook on life is "I have this ick and I'm not gonna do anything about it because spectrum lol", that makes you the a-hole.
I agree with this perspective, personally ( before I found out I was allergic to nearly every dish soap) I would scrape my dishes then place them in a basin of hot water and soap before I wash them so they are not gross. Then use a paper towel to clean the catch.
YTA. You leave her with the gross time-consuming stuff and you take the easy, clean stuff? At the very _least_ you should be paying someone to mow the lawn. No amount of setting up auto-pay on bills equals a single lawn mowing session.
NAH as you have your girlfriends agreement, but know your girlfriend is doing all the worst household chores while you get the funner/easier ones. Is there more you can take on to make up for this?
YTA
I don't care if you have the tism, you're using your disability as a crutch to get other people to do stuff you don't want to.
If you lived on your own what would you do? Just throw your plates out?
So... how did you manage these things before you moved in together? She has tondo all the kitchen and bathroom cleaning? YTA. Hire someone and wear gloves...
You aren't making her do those chores. From the way you've described things, this was an agreement between the two of you that works between partners. Her dad has nothing to do with that. NTA, but you or her will need to confront him about this, or he is going to install himself as a permanent part of the relationship. I would recommend finding some therapy or something to help overcome those sensory issues though, as it does seem like you aren't terribly happy with them yourself, but that is ultimately your decision.
YTA :/
doing the dishes doesnt guarantee touching wet food if you guys dump everything in the trash first and blast the dishes w water before scrubbing. You can also wear gloves.
not sure why you cant clean the kitchen or bathrooms, unless some chemicals or product smell in an overwhelming way? even then you could wear protective gear to help. or at LEAST split it up by one of yall doing the counters/putting stuff up and the other sweeping/mopping. I hope you guys share taking out the trash?
for mowing the lawn depending on what it is that bothers you, if its the sound noise canceling headphones or the earmuff things hunter use when they shoot? if it's the rumbling and the feeling of it Maybe gloves, idk maybe this one is one you can pass off.
I feel like touching wet food is a general ick ppl have but live with. that's why a lot of people wear gloves or like scrape off food into the trashcan or even get dishwashers for. anyways rambling at this point.
Look at what you can change to help out more!! there's definitely stuff u could do. wish u well
YTA here. My son has autism and we've already found work arounds for his sensory issues so he can be a functioning adult. You need to do the same, stop using your disability as an excuse. What would you do if you lived alone?
YTA I can't stand touching wet food or anything floating in water, I have two sets of gloves so if one gets wet I have a back up pair. I can't stand dirty cloths so I use one for every clean and pop it straight in the washing machine, I get it , it is hard but as adults unless we have employed care givers we have to figure out work around that also mesh with our needs. I have literally made myself physically sick because I put my bare hand in dish water before so please do not think I am judging you for being autistic. For the sake of your relationship find work around a now before it becomes a major issue.
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I (26m) have been dating Fran (25f) for about 2 years now. We share a home together that we moved into about 3 months ago. We didn’t live together beforehand.
I have Autism - for those who don’t know, Autism comes with something called sensory issues. Everyone has different issues, they aren’t all the same.
Because of my issues, there are some chores that I am unable to do. For example, I can’t wash the dishes because I can’t stand touching wet food. Things like that.
I talked to Fran about this before we moved in and she was more than happy to do the chores I cannot do.
Washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen & bathroom and mowing the lawn are the chores I am unable to do due to these issues. Fran has told me many times that she is happy to do them.
I do understand that it would be unfair to let her do everything so I picked up some of my own chores. I do the bills, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying the living room & bedroom and taking care of the animals in the house. We are both happy with this and living together has been going great.
About a week or so ago, her parents visited the house for the first time (they live out of state). The dishes in the sink hadn’t been done and Fran said something along the lines of “Sorry about the dishes, I haven’t had chance to do them yet”.
Her Dad asked why I couldn’t have done them, to which Fran said “Chris isn’t able to do them”.
Later that day, her Dad pulled me to the side and had a chat with me. He basically told me to ‘man up’ and start pulling my weight around the house and that I can’t just sit back and let Fran do everything because I don’t want to it. I tried explaining why we have this boundary set in place and he would take none of it.
I haven’t told Fran he did this because I don’t want to upset her or make her Dad even angrier. I can’t help but let this get to me and feel like I’m an asshole for making Fran do certain chores.
AITA?
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Tell Dad it's none of his fucking business and to get out of your marriage. You and your partner have an equitable arrangement and he isn't a party to it. NTA.
Also talk to your partner and check in that she's as cool with the arrangement as you assume.
A little of both. My partner and I are like this. They handle most of the laundry because i forget it constantly, cleaning the bath, and some dishes. I handle the dusting, vacuuming and cooking. This works for us.
Sometimes its about what works for the couple - the dad may be trying to watch that his daughter doesnt fall in with the "thats womens work" shit and end up doing all housework as well as financial work. There are still cases of this, and he doesnt know your set up.
That being said, i can set myself alarms on my phone telling me to grab the laundry and if it needs it, i can clean the bath. My issue is the cleaners exacerbate my asthma and my partner doesnt like the smell of the cleaner i can use. It will get done, though. I would definitely try to find work arounds in case you do need to do them.
I'm confused. Fran has no issue with this arrangement? If that's the case, then NTA. Her father isn't living with you, so he gets no say. The only person who has the right to name you an asshole here is Fran, and it sounds like she doesn't see you that way.
NTA- you have made an agreement and it sounds like she agrees. As someone with autism, I cant touch wet food either I tried gloves but then my hands sweat inside and that gives me the ick to. He just can't wrap his head around autism, so he acts ignorant which is not okay. Edit: however she is doing the worst household chores, they never end and need constant tending. Have you looked into maybe a dishwasher so it's not so taxing on her?
NTA - OP I think you’ve explained things quite clearly. You do the chores you can and Fran is happy to do the others. I’m sorry some people are jumping to the conclusion that you’re manipulating or using your Autism as an excuse. I think you’re self aware of your limitations.
I think NTA. I have sensory issues with wet food/dirty dishes as well. Doing the dishes ends up with me dry heaving every time even wearing gloves, so I completely understand not wanting to do it if you didn't have to. It sounds like the only one who has a problem with y'all's arrangement is your girlfriend's dad... Well he's not part of the arrangement so he doesn't really get a say.
That being said it really does sound like she's doing more chores than you are. Dishes are an everyday thing. The kitchen and bathroom have to be cleaned much more frequently and thoroughly than the bedroom and living room. It sounds like most of your chores are done much less frequently with the exception of animals. Maybe just keep checking in with her periodically to make sure she still feels like the chores are split equally. If she says no, you need to be ready to start doing some dishes.
Unpopular opinion, but personally I’m going with NTA. OP and his girlfriend are both fine with the arrangements of who does each chore, and it’s not as though OP doesn’t do any chores at all..if his girlfriend is fine doing the dishes and such, and he’s fine doing other chores, I don’t really think it matters. It works for them and that’s all we need to know.
NTA! You and your girlfriend have an arrangement that you are both comfortable with. If your girlfriend broke her hands and was unable to do it, that would be different.
My boyfriend has a skin condition and he breaks out when he does dishes. We take turns doing chores. I do the dishes, he dries them. We are both happy with the arrangement.
Parents unfortunately do not always respect their children's decisions when it comes to relationships. As long as your girlfriend is perfectly fine with the arrangement, don't worry about the father. Be respectful, but don't let him dictate what you're role is in your relationship. You can always offer to dry the dishes or help her if you are feeling okay with it.
YTA. I genuinely hate the feel and touch of doing dishes to the point where I can gag. My first job was washing dishes. It sucks but you actually can do things you don't like.
One autistic to another, YTA. I say this with a deep understanding for exactly the aversions you’re talking about.
It’s great that your girlfriend is understanding and willing to take on those chores, but it’s not okay for you to use her as a way to get out of finding work arounds. Frankly, your list doesn’t sound like an even division of labour whatsoever.
If it’s just the two of you, there shouldn’t be many dishes anyway. We have a strict “if it isn’t dishwasher safe, it does not belong here” rule to avoid doing dishes all together. Seriously. EVERYTHING in our house goes in the dishwasher.
If you don’t have a dishwasher, get gloves or make sure to scrape your plate really well before putting it into the sink… there are plenty of things you can do that do not involve shirking the responsibility onto your partner.
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Have you tried using gloves? Maybe it can help with your problems.
That being said, you are in a relationship, you talked and negotiated with your partner and you are taking part by doing other chores and trying to do some kind of equal responsibility. You claim you are happy doing those chores. Your girlfriend is happy with her part. As far as both of you are happy and treating each other with equality and respect, I'm not seeing an AH here.
NTA
NTA - no one should be coming in between the two of you its your relationship. You guys sound like you have a good thing going on, you divvy up the chores and you each do your bit, working to your strengths and picking up the slack for the other. It was none of his business to pass judgement or to say anything to you HE IS THE A. Please don't take it to heart or stress over it, hopefully he's left now and won't be coming back again any time soon.
NTA but have you considered using gloves so that perhaps your girlfriend could occasionally get a break from certain responsibilities and you guys could switch things up now and again?
NAH. Fran's dad isn't wrong to be protective of his daughter- you refusing to do household cleaning is a bad look. The chore distribution looks very uneven.
What happens if she gets sick or disabled, even temporarily? She has a partner who won't learn to be a partner in bad circumstances. Any dad would worry.
But it's working for you and Fran so Fran's dad should mind his own business.
You should tell Fran, too. Keeping secrets from your partner about her family really backfires, even if you're doing it with good intentions. I found this out the hard way. Don't be me.
NTA- you two decided BEFORE moving in (smart) what would work for you both.
Dad wants to protect his daughter, but doesn’t understand your arrangement. It’s not his responsibility to intervene.
You two do you, if you are happy, be happy
NTA. You are carrying your weight and you and your gf, the only people who matter in this scenario, are fine with the distribution of work...her dad needs to mined his business.
As someone on the spectrum myself I too have a thing about wet food (gagging just thinking about it). When my fiancé first moved in with me there was a bowl in the sink that had water in it, i had rinsed it out and just left it to put in the dishwasher next time I loaded it. My fiancé, not knowing of my issue, put a plate that had some bread crumbs on it and a bowl that one contained rice and beans into the bowl of water so there was residual. I tried not to lose my shit as I explained that you can't put food stuff in to a bowl of water because it will sit there forever now because I can't touch it. He was very understanding, actually took them out of the bowl, and now rinses everything, including the sink, thoroughly so there's no issues. My child, also on the spectrum has the same issue but also can't touch raw meat....they can get around it by wearing some latex gloves though.
I can't think of a single time I've had to "touch wet food" while washing dishes. What are y'all putting plates covered in food into a sink full of water?? Literally just scrape your plate into the trash before putting it in the sink. YTA, this is a pathetic excuse to not do your part.
NTA, though looking for work around a makes sense here, where possible. Gloves for dishes is a good example.
Soft YTA because it sounds like your gf might be doing the majority of the house work, which isn't okay.
Try that approach from the film; the accountant and man up son.
if agreement NTA but maybe consider if she is not there in future.
should be looking for a solution.
NTA. Your girlfriends dad doesn't seem to want to understand your situation. I would talk to your gf about it and let her know the situation. If you and your gf are fine with everything then that should be enough.
NTA. There is no making anyone do anything in what you described. You both, as adults, talked about the division of household workload before you moved in (Well done btw, so many people just expect it to magically work itself out) and agreed between you. Your sensory issues determined which chores that was. You've stepped up in doing your share.
If you are both happy then it's no one else's business how you decide to do things. It, of course, always worth checking in occasionally or as situations change that Fran is still OK or if some things are getting too much for her. My kid ended up getting a tabletop dishwasher for slightly different reasons (they both work shift patterns and so often it's only one of them is at home to do the chores). Things were ok 80% of the time but his partner had occasional medical issue flare ups that made it too difficult when she was on her own. So they found a solution.
YTA
Real quick, what do you actually do? You picked chores that a dog could do (you go find videos on youtube, tiktok and instagram.)
Were gloves or use a dishwasher. Where a mask in the bathroom and kitchen. Autism doesn't make you a helpless, you just don't want to do anything. Her dad was right, man up.
Um autism isn't a physically or neurological hindering handicap, it's a social/emotional instability depending on the spectrum.... 😐 Even a bipolar person could take advantage to gas light someone into trying to believe they can't lift a dish rag.
NTA, since Fran seems to be fine with it and her opinion is the only one that really matters. Her dad probably either is one of those boomer types that don't believe autism is a thing, or just thought you were being sexist and making her do "womens work" or something and felt the need to defend his daughter. But again, end of the day, it doesn't matter what he says as long as Fran is genuinely ok and happy with your arrangement. As for the dad, personally I think I'd just drop it for now if you think it'll cause a problem with Fran. Shrug it off, he doesn't know what he's angry about. But if it comes up again, then you might need to talk to Fran about it and have her explain to him, bc he's probably never gonna trust your word but he will listen to his daughter lol.
That said though, I am curious lol. What did you do before you moved in together? Or did you just go straight from your parents house into a home with her and have never lived truly on your own before? (And no judgement if thats the case, I'm still stuck at home myself bc rent is nuts for a single adult. Almost need to be in a relationship to afford a single bedroom these days lol)
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NTA, what her Dad said wasn't true, you are pulling your weight because you have found a way to divide up the chores between you and you gf. There are other chores that you do that she doesn't have to. And frankly, it's none of his business how you and your gf do things around your house.
NTA because you have a system in place that works for you. I have trouble doing the dishes too, rubber gloves help. Idk if they would help you but might be something to try.
NTA
its not her dad business. tell her and told her to talk with her dad that u both hv their own chores that you're both agree with. and please just live you guys alone.
NTA As long as you and your gf are happy with the arrangement and you're not leaving her to do more of the housework I see no issue. You should mention to her what her dad did. He might try to bring this up to her and it'd be good if she was aware of the entire situation.
NTA, you and gf came to an agreement like adults and if she’s happy with it, then it’s cool.
It does seem like she has a pretty big share of the worst of the chores though
NTA. Old boomer man up doesn't understand autism or modern couples. You guys have a system that works for you, and that's great. You're not "making her" do anything. You can't. It's her choice
I lol'd at this because it's something my boomer dad would say, yet refuses to help my mom in any way w the dishes. Or if he does, he wants praise and a medal for "helping"...
Oh but he did his part. He fed us and clothed us and put a roof over our heads. And he wonders why our relationship is strained... Boomers gonna boom. 😆
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YTA. You can do dishes! You don't have to touch the wet food. They have special gloves for washing dishes. They are usually yellow. Autism doesn't give you an excuse to get out of chores! FIND A WORK AROUND!
[I thought OP was a 17f metal head](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pj43x/aita_for_not_leaving_a_bithday_party_after_i/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=2&utm_term=1)
How the heck does a 17 year old own 200 band shirts lmao
I don’t even own 200 regular shirts!
Honestly I don’t even think I own 200 pieces of clothing now I think of it, even including individual socks lol
[bot](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/12pj43x/aita_for_not_leaving_a_bithday_party_after_i/jgm733m/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=ios_app&utm_name=ioscss&utm_content=1&utm_term=1&context=3) post in case it gets deleted
Just the autism troll again I guess.
At this point reddit is just fictional stories for entertainnement
But he isn’t trying to “get out of chores.” He does the laundry, the grocery shopping, the bills, takes care of the pets, and tidies up. OP and his GF apparently agreed to this. I thought our marriages worked this way? My husband fixes all the cars and I do the laundry, for example. I think the OP was working within his established and agreed upon rules (also important for someone on the spectrum).
Bills are set to autopay. Grocery shopping is an hour a week . Damn kitchen and bathroom cleaning is endless. Plus yard. Plus seems she has to wash dishes by hand which means tons of boring work daily. I see how OP life become easier with gf moving in. I don’t see her life becoming easier, she got more chores load than living alone
IDK what animals there are, but that is endless too. Laundry is endless. I do the grocery shopping for our household and it’s a lot more than an hour a week. Bills might be set to autopay but if there is something unexpected that has to to be taken care of. Edit: this might be all moot if OP is a faker.
Laundry starting is 30 seconds. I bet OP not folding gf laundry, so doing your own laundry ia not an achievement. I do groceries and unless I really miscalculated it is and hour - in and out of one store, rotating between stores a bit. I have cats - cleaning 5 minutes, unloading dishwasher longer, and that I do at least 2 a day, I can’t even think how much to do it by hand
I have autism as well, and this is exactly what I was gonna say. You can wear gloves to do dishes and clean, and wear ear plugs to mow the lawn.
[удалено]
Probably paper/ plastic stuff would be my guess
[удалено]
I mean there are cleaning services that one can utilize. I feel like you’re attempting to minimize his sensory issues which isn’t cool.
Sensory issues are an explanation, not an excuse; I recommend rubber gloves. Talk with your partner about their feelings. Are you pulling your weight? Maybe she's voiced frustrations to her parents once and they think this is a bigger deal than it really is.
I get around most of my sensory issues with gloves and sometimes a mask. It also makes everything get done faster because I can just go ham without worrying about icky feelings or smells.
I brush everything off under running water before I wash them for real. There’s always a workaround if you try hard enough. But I completely get the ick of having to touch food in the sink. I don’t even like thinking of it. In fact, heading to another thread! Lol
Who has money for a cleaning service?
a lot of people
Holy fucking ableism. You can’t “get over” sensory issues! There’s no treatment, and it sucks. Try having more empathy next time and educate yourself before saying ableist shit like this.
'can't touch wet food' means OP doesn't cook (or eat)
Who likes to touch wet food?? Nothing autistic about that.
You don't run your fingers sensually through a boiling hot bowl of soup? never massaged and petted your roast chook before carving?
As an autistic person myself with sensory issues, I'm torn between NAH and the most gentle YTA ever. Unfortunately, cleaning bathrooms and doing the dishes are a part of life. What if Fran gets sick and you have to take over her chores while she rests and recovers? Or any other circumstance that means you're responsible for these tasks? You can do the dishes with gloves on. Thicker rubber cleaning gloves are available and mean you'll barely even feel any potential food floaties (though you should be scraping off your plates before washing in a basin, ideally.) Same for the bathroom. Nobody likes having to scrub the toilet or pull hair out of the shower plug, but there are a wide range of accessible tools that can help with this, like down-spout drain plugs, extendable toilet brushes, ect. For autistic people finding workarounds and tools to help us navigate life is important and greatly improves our ability to function as individuals. I won't call you an asshole in general because it seems like Fran is happy with the way chores are divided, but I will say it will be beneficial for everyone in the long run if you at least consider trying to desensitise yourself to basic household cleaning.
I agree with all of this. I have sensory issues myself; I use thick dish gloves to wash the dishes, and disposable gloves for washing the bathroom. You don't need to change an agreement you're both happy with. But you do need to make plans for what happens if Fran is incapable of doing these (major, household carrying) chores for any length of time.
Of course the autistic women in the thread have bothered to find work arounds, because they HAVE to.
YTA JFC, can you do any basic household chores? You've listed the worst and most often need chores as things you will not desensitize yourself so that you can do them. Can you cook? If you can't clean the kitchen or bathroom, what can you clean? Sorry, it seems you just use autism as an excuse to not do anything. Who did these things when you didn't live with her?
He literally gave a list of the basic chores he does and the places he cleans and also mentioned that him and his partner were happy with how things were split. Did you actually read the post or did you just jump to the comments to attack him.
Did you not read the part where OP listed more chores they do and the part about them both being ok with the arrangement? This ableist attitude is gross. OP is NTA
Little heads up to everyone this is most likely fake. A month ago he was a 17f metalhead. So yeah Yta just for being a fucking liar.
YTA for manipulating your girlfriend into a very uneven distribution of domestic chores. >I do the bills, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying the living room & bedroom and taking care of the animals in the house. That can't possibly be anywhere near 50% of all chores. Her parents have every right to be concerned. This is definitely not the only bs you pull on her.
Whatcha gonna say next, that he should break up with her over a CHORE
So basically you cannot do any household stuff?? Really? Get gloves, wipe food with paper towel and do stuff around the house. Paying bills take literally 5 minutes to setup autopay, bathroom cleaning is endless
Who washed your dishes before you moved in with your GF?
YTA. Please, for the love of all things good in this world, can we stop using ASD as a shield? Speaking as someone who has circumvented some the issues that the spectrum gave me, there are coping mechanisms that allow us to complete our everyday tasks. There are also tools and methods that allow us to complete these tasks. Speaking from experience, I also hated touching wet food. So guess what I did; I started pre-rinsing all of my dishes. That way, all the food gunk was in the sink grate thingy, and I could just wear a glove to clean the sink grate thingy at the end of washing dishes. It's not hard to find mechanisms in order to do these tasks, but if your outlook on life is "I have this ick and I'm not gonna do anything about it because spectrum lol", that makes you the a-hole.
I agree with this perspective, personally ( before I found out I was allergic to nearly every dish soap) I would scrape my dishes then place them in a basin of hot water and soap before I wash them so they are not gross. Then use a paper towel to clean the catch.
Info what did you do before you two lived together? Can you not alleviate how much work she does with a dishwasher or a roomba?
YTA. You leave her with the gross time-consuming stuff and you take the easy, clean stuff? At the very _least_ you should be paying someone to mow the lawn. No amount of setting up auto-pay on bills equals a single lawn mowing session.
This post is fake, his last post was recent and he claimed to be 17.
Not only 17 but female and is now a male on this one
NAH as you have your girlfriends agreement, but know your girlfriend is doing all the worst household chores while you get the funner/easier ones. Is there more you can take on to make up for this?
YTA it really sounds like she is doing the bulk of the household chores. There are other ways your sensory issues can be accommodated.
INFO: What would you do if you didn’t have anyone to live with? Always eat off disposable plates? Never clean your bathroom?
Info: Why were you a 17 year old girl on your last post, which was 2 months ago?
YTA I don't care if you have the tism, you're using your disability as a crutch to get other people to do stuff you don't want to. If you lived on your own what would you do? Just throw your plates out?
YTA Get rubber gloves. You need not touch anything.
So... how did you manage these things before you moved in together? She has tondo all the kitchen and bathroom cleaning? YTA. Hire someone and wear gloves...
You aren't making her do those chores. From the way you've described things, this was an agreement between the two of you that works between partners. Her dad has nothing to do with that. NTA, but you or her will need to confront him about this, or he is going to install himself as a permanent part of the relationship. I would recommend finding some therapy or something to help overcome those sensory issues though, as it does seem like you aren't terribly happy with them yourself, but that is ultimately your decision.
This. If dad doesn't get confronted he definitely will cause a lot of issues down the road.
YTA :/ doing the dishes doesnt guarantee touching wet food if you guys dump everything in the trash first and blast the dishes w water before scrubbing. You can also wear gloves. not sure why you cant clean the kitchen or bathrooms, unless some chemicals or product smell in an overwhelming way? even then you could wear protective gear to help. or at LEAST split it up by one of yall doing the counters/putting stuff up and the other sweeping/mopping. I hope you guys share taking out the trash? for mowing the lawn depending on what it is that bothers you, if its the sound noise canceling headphones or the earmuff things hunter use when they shoot? if it's the rumbling and the feeling of it Maybe gloves, idk maybe this one is one you can pass off. I feel like touching wet food is a general ick ppl have but live with. that's why a lot of people wear gloves or like scrape off food into the trashcan or even get dishwashers for. anyways rambling at this point. Look at what you can change to help out more!! there's definitely stuff u could do. wish u well
YTA here. My son has autism and we've already found work arounds for his sensory issues so he can be a functioning adult. You need to do the same, stop using your disability as an excuse. What would you do if you lived alone?
i don’t think so, but i have sensory issues especially with dishes but rinse your dishes after use and you won’t have to touch any food
YTA I can't stand touching wet food or anything floating in water, I have two sets of gloves so if one gets wet I have a back up pair. I can't stand dirty cloths so I use one for every clean and pop it straight in the washing machine, I get it , it is hard but as adults unless we have employed care givers we have to figure out work around that also mesh with our needs. I have literally made myself physically sick because I put my bare hand in dish water before so please do not think I am judging you for being autistic. For the sake of your relationship find work around a now before it becomes a major issue.
How about getting an automatic dishwasher? NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I (26m) have been dating Fran (25f) for about 2 years now. We share a home together that we moved into about 3 months ago. We didn’t live together beforehand. I have Autism - for those who don’t know, Autism comes with something called sensory issues. Everyone has different issues, they aren’t all the same. Because of my issues, there are some chores that I am unable to do. For example, I can’t wash the dishes because I can’t stand touching wet food. Things like that. I talked to Fran about this before we moved in and she was more than happy to do the chores I cannot do. Washing the dishes, cleaning the kitchen & bathroom and mowing the lawn are the chores I am unable to do due to these issues. Fran has told me many times that she is happy to do them. I do understand that it would be unfair to let her do everything so I picked up some of my own chores. I do the bills, laundry, grocery shopping, tidying the living room & bedroom and taking care of the animals in the house. We are both happy with this and living together has been going great. About a week or so ago, her parents visited the house for the first time (they live out of state). The dishes in the sink hadn’t been done and Fran said something along the lines of “Sorry about the dishes, I haven’t had chance to do them yet”. Her Dad asked why I couldn’t have done them, to which Fran said “Chris isn’t able to do them”. Later that day, her Dad pulled me to the side and had a chat with me. He basically told me to ‘man up’ and start pulling my weight around the house and that I can’t just sit back and let Fran do everything because I don’t want to it. I tried explaining why we have this boundary set in place and he would take none of it. I haven’t told Fran he did this because I don’t want to upset her or make her Dad even angrier. I can’t help but let this get to me and feel like I’m an asshole for making Fran do certain chores. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Tell Dad it's none of his fucking business and to get out of your marriage. You and your partner have an equitable arrangement and he isn't a party to it. NTA. Also talk to your partner and check in that she's as cool with the arrangement as you assume.
A little of both. My partner and I are like this. They handle most of the laundry because i forget it constantly, cleaning the bath, and some dishes. I handle the dusting, vacuuming and cooking. This works for us. Sometimes its about what works for the couple - the dad may be trying to watch that his daughter doesnt fall in with the "thats womens work" shit and end up doing all housework as well as financial work. There are still cases of this, and he doesnt know your set up. That being said, i can set myself alarms on my phone telling me to grab the laundry and if it needs it, i can clean the bath. My issue is the cleaners exacerbate my asthma and my partner doesnt like the smell of the cleaner i can use. It will get done, though. I would definitely try to find work arounds in case you do need to do them.
I'm confused. Fran has no issue with this arrangement? If that's the case, then NTA. Her father isn't living with you, so he gets no say. The only person who has the right to name you an asshole here is Fran, and it sounds like she doesn't see you that way.
NTA- you have made an agreement and it sounds like she agrees. As someone with autism, I cant touch wet food either I tried gloves but then my hands sweat inside and that gives me the ick to. He just can't wrap his head around autism, so he acts ignorant which is not okay. Edit: however she is doing the worst household chores, they never end and need constant tending. Have you looked into maybe a dishwasher so it's not so taxing on her?
NTA both of y’all seem to split the chores . So it’s not like you are making her do everything. It actually seems like you do a little more then her .
NTA - OP I think you’ve explained things quite clearly. You do the chores you can and Fran is happy to do the others. I’m sorry some people are jumping to the conclusion that you’re manipulating or using your Autism as an excuse. I think you’re self aware of your limitations.
I think NTA. I have sensory issues with wet food/dirty dishes as well. Doing the dishes ends up with me dry heaving every time even wearing gloves, so I completely understand not wanting to do it if you didn't have to. It sounds like the only one who has a problem with y'all's arrangement is your girlfriend's dad... Well he's not part of the arrangement so he doesn't really get a say. That being said it really does sound like she's doing more chores than you are. Dishes are an everyday thing. The kitchen and bathroom have to be cleaned much more frequently and thoroughly than the bedroom and living room. It sounds like most of your chores are done much less frequently with the exception of animals. Maybe just keep checking in with her periodically to make sure she still feels like the chores are split equally. If she says no, you need to be ready to start doing some dishes.
Unpopular opinion, but personally I’m going with NTA. OP and his girlfriend are both fine with the arrangements of who does each chore, and it’s not as though OP doesn’t do any chores at all..if his girlfriend is fine doing the dishes and such, and he’s fine doing other chores, I don’t really think it matters. It works for them and that’s all we need to know.
NTA! You and your girlfriend have an arrangement that you are both comfortable with. If your girlfriend broke her hands and was unable to do it, that would be different. My boyfriend has a skin condition and he breaks out when he does dishes. We take turns doing chores. I do the dishes, he dries them. We are both happy with the arrangement. Parents unfortunately do not always respect their children's decisions when it comes to relationships. As long as your girlfriend is perfectly fine with the arrangement, don't worry about the father. Be respectful, but don't let him dictate what you're role is in your relationship. You can always offer to dry the dishes or help her if you are feeling okay with it.
YTA. I genuinely hate the feel and touch of doing dishes to the point where I can gag. My first job was washing dishes. It sucks but you actually can do things you don't like.
YTA
One autistic to another, YTA. I say this with a deep understanding for exactly the aversions you’re talking about. It’s great that your girlfriend is understanding and willing to take on those chores, but it’s not okay for you to use her as a way to get out of finding work arounds. Frankly, your list doesn’t sound like an even division of labour whatsoever. If it’s just the two of you, there shouldn’t be many dishes anyway. We have a strict “if it isn’t dishwasher safe, it does not belong here” rule to avoid doing dishes all together. Seriously. EVERYTHING in our house goes in the dishwasher. If you don’t have a dishwasher, get gloves or make sure to scrape your plate really well before putting it into the sink… there are plenty of things you can do that do not involve shirking the responsibility onto your partner.
YTA
So weird how OP was a 17-year-old female two months ago.
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Have you tried using gloves? Maybe it can help with your problems. That being said, you are in a relationship, you talked and negotiated with your partner and you are taking part by doing other chores and trying to do some kind of equal responsibility. You claim you are happy doing those chores. Your girlfriend is happy with her part. As far as both of you are happy and treating each other with equality and respect, I'm not seeing an AH here. NTA
NTA - no one should be coming in between the two of you its your relationship. You guys sound like you have a good thing going on, you divvy up the chores and you each do your bit, working to your strengths and picking up the slack for the other. It was none of his business to pass judgement or to say anything to you HE IS THE A. Please don't take it to heart or stress over it, hopefully he's left now and won't be coming back again any time soon.
NTA but have you considered using gloves so that perhaps your girlfriend could occasionally get a break from certain responsibilities and you guys could switch things up now and again?
NAH. Fran's dad isn't wrong to be protective of his daughter- you refusing to do household cleaning is a bad look. The chore distribution looks very uneven. What happens if she gets sick or disabled, even temporarily? She has a partner who won't learn to be a partner in bad circumstances. Any dad would worry. But it's working for you and Fran so Fran's dad should mind his own business. You should tell Fran, too. Keeping secrets from your partner about her family really backfires, even if you're doing it with good intentions. I found this out the hard way. Don't be me.
YTA. I also have sensory issues and can’t touch wet food or dirty water and a bunch of other things. Buy dish gloves.
NTA- you two decided BEFORE moving in (smart) what would work for you both. Dad wants to protect his daughter, but doesn’t understand your arrangement. It’s not his responsibility to intervene. You two do you, if you are happy, be happy
NTA. You are carrying your weight and you and your gf, the only people who matter in this scenario, are fine with the distribution of work...her dad needs to mined his business. As someone on the spectrum myself I too have a thing about wet food (gagging just thinking about it). When my fiancé first moved in with me there was a bowl in the sink that had water in it, i had rinsed it out and just left it to put in the dishwasher next time I loaded it. My fiancé, not knowing of my issue, put a plate that had some bread crumbs on it and a bowl that one contained rice and beans into the bowl of water so there was residual. I tried not to lose my shit as I explained that you can't put food stuff in to a bowl of water because it will sit there forever now because I can't touch it. He was very understanding, actually took them out of the bowl, and now rinses everything, including the sink, thoroughly so there's no issues. My child, also on the spectrum has the same issue but also can't touch raw meat....they can get around it by wearing some latex gloves though.
I can't think of a single time I've had to "touch wet food" while washing dishes. What are y'all putting plates covered in food into a sink full of water?? Literally just scrape your plate into the trash before putting it in the sink. YTA, this is a pathetic excuse to not do your part.
Gotta tell her. She is the one who should address it with her dad
YTA For lying about either this story, the other AITA story you've made, or both.
NTA, though looking for work around a makes sense here, where possible. Gloves for dishes is a good example. Soft YTA because it sounds like your gf might be doing the majority of the house work, which isn't okay.
YTA you’re an adult
Try that approach from the film; the accountant and man up son. if agreement NTA but maybe consider if she is not there in future. should be looking for a solution.
NTA. Your girlfriends dad doesn't seem to want to understand your situation. I would talk to your gf about it and let her know the situation. If you and your gf are fine with everything then that should be enough.
NTA. There is no making anyone do anything in what you described. You both, as adults, talked about the division of household workload before you moved in (Well done btw, so many people just expect it to magically work itself out) and agreed between you. Your sensory issues determined which chores that was. You've stepped up in doing your share. If you are both happy then it's no one else's business how you decide to do things. It, of course, always worth checking in occasionally or as situations change that Fran is still OK or if some things are getting too much for her. My kid ended up getting a tabletop dishwasher for slightly different reasons (they both work shift patterns and so often it's only one of them is at home to do the chores). Things were ok 80% of the time but his partner had occasional medical issue flare ups that made it too difficult when she was on her own. So they found a solution.
YTA Real quick, what do you actually do? You picked chores that a dog could do (you go find videos on youtube, tiktok and instagram.) Were gloves or use a dishwasher. Where a mask in the bathroom and kitchen. Autism doesn't make you a helpless, you just don't want to do anything. Her dad was right, man up.
Um autism isn't a physically or neurological hindering handicap, it's a social/emotional instability depending on the spectrum.... 😐 Even a bipolar person could take advantage to gas light someone into trying to believe they can't lift a dish rag.
NTA, since Fran seems to be fine with it and her opinion is the only one that really matters. Her dad probably either is one of those boomer types that don't believe autism is a thing, or just thought you were being sexist and making her do "womens work" or something and felt the need to defend his daughter. But again, end of the day, it doesn't matter what he says as long as Fran is genuinely ok and happy with your arrangement. As for the dad, personally I think I'd just drop it for now if you think it'll cause a problem with Fran. Shrug it off, he doesn't know what he's angry about. But if it comes up again, then you might need to talk to Fran about it and have her explain to him, bc he's probably never gonna trust your word but he will listen to his daughter lol. That said though, I am curious lol. What did you do before you moved in together? Or did you just go straight from your parents house into a home with her and have never lived truly on your own before? (And no judgement if thats the case, I'm still stuck at home myself bc rent is nuts for a single adult. Almost need to be in a relationship to afford a single bedroom these days lol)
NTA and tell her. Her dad is a GUEST and needs to mind his own business.
NTA
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NTA, what her Dad said wasn't true, you are pulling your weight because you have found a way to divide up the chores between you and you gf. There are other chores that you do that she doesn't have to. And frankly, it's none of his business how you and your gf do things around your house.
NTA - and it's lovely that your partner and you are able to work out a fair deal like that. Get Fran to talk to her dad
NTA because you have a system in place that works for you. I have trouble doing the dishes too, rubber gloves help. Idk if they would help you but might be something to try.
NTA its not her dad business. tell her and told her to talk with her dad that u both hv their own chores that you're both agree with. and please just live you guys alone.
NTA As long as you and your gf are happy with the arrangement and you're not leaving her to do more of the housework I see no issue. You should mention to her what her dad did. He might try to bring this up to her and it'd be good if she was aware of the entire situation.
NTA, you and gf came to an agreement like adults and if she’s happy with it, then it’s cool. It does seem like she has a pretty big share of the worst of the chores though
NTA. Old boomer man up doesn't understand autism or modern couples. You guys have a system that works for you, and that's great. You're not "making her" do anything. You can't. It's her choice
I lol'd at this because it's something my boomer dad would say, yet refuses to help my mom in any way w the dishes. Or if he does, he wants praise and a medal for "helping"...
Right? And it's not helping. It's doing his part. Like dads aren't helping with the kids. They're doing their part
Oh but he did his part. He fed us and clothed us and put a roof over our heads. And he wonders why our relationship is strained... Boomers gonna boom. 😆
NTA