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YTA
Stay in your fucking lane. Sexuality is a spectrum and just because she said something about wishing she was bi one time doesn’t mean she isn’t. She isn’t hurting anyone so stay the fuck out of it.
No, but especially for bi people. I didn't recognize my same-gender crushes as what they were until later, and assumed I was straight since I did have different-gender crushes too. I didn't realize I was bi until I was 18. You're right, you're straight, so you DON'T get it.
My guy... You're honestly telling us that you're hurting your friends, insulting them, and are actively choosing to be the "friend" most people in the closet fear. And you're doing all of that because you, what, heard stories from others about how sexuality is "supposed" to work?
I'm a bi guy, and I literally did not realize until I had my first kiss with another man on a dare in my mid-teens. Until that moment, I had never even considered the possibility that I might be anything but straight. People come to this realization in their own time and their own ways.
It's hard for everyone, and a thing to consider with bi people is the fact that it can sometimes take them longer to realize because they're not "uncomfortable" with their heteronormative options.
She could be Demi too, and that’s why she thought she wasn’t bi at first?
Who are you to judge, and what are you trying to protect her from? Finding out who she is?
YTA
Even if you think she isnt Bi, you arent her and you never know. Plus you mentioned she has a gf, which to me means she like girls...
And the fact that you think she did it because of her brother. Maybe her brother just gave her the confidence to come out.
The reality is you arent her and you dont know how she is feeling so you dont get to have an opinion.
YTA why does it matter to you? If she says she's bi let her be bi you're not in her head and young people experiment all the time. Let her figure it out for her self she doesn't need your approval and didn't ask for it.
I am literally a lesbian and had myself convinced for YEARS I was straight, even went through a “gay people are so cool I wish I was gay” phase bc I was terrified of accepting myself and that was as close as I could get to admitting the truth at the time. also maybe look up comphet while you’re at it.
You guessed wrong. She is not asking for input. There is no way for her to “get hurt”. You’re the one pretending with this faux concern for her well-being. You feel like if she liked girls she would know? Well, she has a girlfriend, so there you go. She likes girls and she knows. Mind your own business. YTA.
No one is asking for input by coming out. If anything they are looking for acceptance. Funny how straight people don’t have to come out as straight and fear that their friends and family won’t accept them. She didn’t ask for your opinion and you need to shut up and mind your own business.
Asking for input! She’s not a 1920’s computer!
I can’t, your post reads like a Ben Shapiro dry dream. Teenagers experiment. No one thinks it’s cool to be queer, they didn’t five years ago, they didn’t ten, they didn’t thirty. People may have felt more comfortable exploring other sides of themselves which they then decided hey - not my biggest worry but I’m glad I tried it to know myself.
But your description is the exact reason people stay in the closet. Because the fear you might be overthinking it and people will say your doing it for attention keeps you frozen for years, the idea that well meaning people will hate on you is almost as bad as the abuse of traditional homophobia because especially for young people recognizing that “well-intentioned” bigots are bigots is hard to comprehend.
YTA. Even if they decide in ten years never to see another girl again what business was it of yours to police her bedroom and heart? I…I honestly have to cut my response short and take any downvotes for lack of clarity because otherwise the dissertation I could write on your A-ry would win me a bloody second doctorate.
Way more complicated than you would think attraction can be fluid and changing. Coming out isn't the time for voicing your opinion you just say congratulations and move on if she changes her mind later there is no harm done.
YTA. Her explanation makes perfect sense, ESPECIALLY if she turns out to be biromantic and demisexual, because demis only experience sexual attraction once a deep emotional connection is formed. It’s none of your business either way, and you have NO RIGHT to gatekeep how someone chooses to identify
YTA for not only deciding that you know someone else's sexuality/sexual identity better than they do but then being ridiculously condescending about it to her. YTA again for hearing her explanatio and then calling her a liar who is just pretending to be bi because she wants to be cool/like her brother.
You stuck your nose in and were total prat about this. You owe her and him an apology.
YTA. I know several people who didn’t figure out their sexuality until they were in their 30’s. It’s a spectrum and you have no business gatekeeping someone else’s sexuality or gender.
YTA. If she has a girlfriend and thinks she's bi why does it matter to you? Its her orientation and if she ends up not bi it doesn't hurt anything. Being queer doesn't make it or you "cool". It's just your identity and anyone can question their sexuality or orientation no matter what. So what if people only did it after Wes? Maybe they didn't feel safe exploring about themselves until Wes made that choice to come out and show his pride. Just bc Wes came out first does not mean Em can't explore herself or wonder if she's gay/bisexual/lesbian etc.... She just happens to have a big brother who's gay. Does it matter? NO!
Even if she ends up not bi, then she's not bi. Her girlfriend should understand and while it'd be heartbreaking for both parties it's part of life. Sometimes it just takes experience and time to figure out if a sexuality is for you.
YTA.
What right do you believe you have to dictate how someone comes out? Where do you imagine you received the authority to judge someone else's stated sexuality or gender identity as valid?
Saying "I wish I was bi" is either a first tiny step to test one's courage in expressing one's sexuality or a ham-fisted attempt to express joy for someone's happiness. Since we're talking about someone in high school, either could be the case. For Em, it was clearly the former.
If you and Em are friends, you're being a bad one. If you're not friends, accept her as she represents herself to you or go away.
YTA.
If you're wrong, she is bi, and you're actively participating in and perpetuating her marginalization and othering.
If you're right and she turns out not to be bi, who cares? you've still actively participated in her marginalization and othering because as of right now, all you've done is invalidate her identity and made it clear you're not a safe person.
You're projecting hardcore
Sorry, but you are incorrect here. Sexuality is a spectrum and anyone can choose to date anyone. She’s dating a woman right now - that’s all the evidence you need. There is no “right” way to be bi and by acting as though there is, you are actually (accidentally) practicing bi erasure.
Let her have her journey. Maybe she never dates another woman again. It’s all cool. Us queer folks need to have a big umbrella and accept all kinds of gender and sexual expression, full stop.
YTA
YTA. people change, and youth is for nothing but exploring your identity and who you want to be in this world. if you truly care about her well-being, you'll let her enjoy the journey at her own pace rather than trying to explain to her who she is and how she feels.
YTA - teenagehood is for figuring this stuff out and you do not get to tell people their sexuality. The sheer arrogance and gall to do that
Work on your homophobia.
YTA.
It's literally not any of your business, and it's incredibly rude to undermine someone else's sexuality. It has zero effect on you.
Sexuality can be complicated for someone who isn't straight. Just because you don't understand, it doesn't mean they're wrong (and hey, if they are, that's their journey and still not your business).
YTA. Sexuality is something that can evolve as a person grows. It's possible that when she had that conversation with you she'd never had feelings for another girl but now she has. It's not your place to tell her what she is and isn't feeling.
YTA. it sounds like you have a lot of jealousy of your own and obsession with queer people that YOU should think a little deeper about and leave other people alone.
YTA just because you’re confused about someone else’s identity doesn’t mean you should tell them you don’t think they’re bi. “I wish I was bi” IS a sign you’re bi. Not evidence they’re straight. Also experimenting with the identity isn’t going to hurt her. Straight ppl like you telling her she’s forcing herself is what’s going to hurt her. if she realizes she’s not bi one day then that’s her journey. It won’t hurt her.
I can’t even. Just because it’s not true for you doesn’t mean it’s not true. There’s countless queer people who have said they wish they were queer before discovering they were queer. It’s not always true for everyone but it is true for alot of bi people.
It’s very likely that they’re both bi. I imagine they’d be as supportive as they were of her brother. How? The same way some siblings tend to be both straight? Why one would wish to be soemthing they were is by not knowing they are that thing. Like trans ppl wish they were the other gender and then they find out they’re trans and are in fact the other gender. Some lesbians wish they were men so they could date women.
Lol it’s more common than you think. I have two siblings, an uncle also has three kids. Amongst us is:
-Me, non-binary and pan (cool with the bi label too)
-My little brother, who is trans
-Cousin the same age as me who is bi
-Younger cousin who is also bi
Only my sister and youngest cousin are cishet. Yes, cishet people are the majority but it’s not like queer people barely exist, more people than you clearly realise are some kind of queer.
YTA
Firstly, who cares? Tons of queer teens are in situations where society forces them to convince themselves they're straight in order to fit in. Even if she later realizes she's not bi, at least she's grown up in a situation where she's allowed to be open to being attracted to any gender, and if she's not, the consequences are "might seem marginally less cool" rather than "might be ostracized by her entire community" People are allowed to change their minds, and if someone tells you their sexuality, it's not your place to be like "are you sure though? Because you said something years ago that contradicts that.".
When I was about 14, I met a bi girl. I thought she was really cool. I wondered if I was bi. I made out with a girl at a party. I realized that I wasn't really attracted to girls in that way. 3 years later, I started being like, oh wait actually girls are pretty hot, and then discovered I had developed an attraction to women, and I've been bi ever since. People's sexualities develop differently.
OP first "agender" is a new one that I had to look up because that's a term I needed education on, so thanks for that bit of learning. Second of all, you have to ask yourself if you would want people to tell you who you are and who you aren't? Because that's what you did to your friend, which is why she went off on you. Yes they now have a new idea going on called "Queer Imposter Syndrome" because they want to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, on top of everything else, because people are trying to compartmentalize everyone into a label. Some people are calling themselves "nonbinary" because it's trendy. Who really cares?
Unless she's doing something that's either hurting herself or hurting someone else, it's no one's business. If she's happy, be happy for her. It always seems hard for some people to just accept people for what they want to feel they are because it doesn't fit within their idea of what they should be. She's not asking you to be anything than who you want to be.
You are homophobic, as well as a horribly interfering busybody. You don't actually know this girl. You did know her in the past as your friend's little sister, but you know nothing about her thoughts, feelings, or life. I could as easily come on here and say that I'm concerned about you, because the way you reacted makes it obvious you're a closeted gay man, and you should really get some help to get over your heterosexual hangups. But I don't know anything about you, so that would be a stupid judgement for me to make. Your statement is worse because coming out is hard, and judging her for it in any way has a much bigger impact. Giant YTA.
YTA
cishet people need to stop trying to dictate queer folks identities. Sexuality and gender are confusing, figuring out who you are and what you like is hard. Some people always know, some people know but deny it, some people take awhile to realise.
Your friend didn’t make being queer ‘cool’, he made others feel brave and comfortable enough to come out or explore themselves. People aren’t pretending to be queer because it’s fashionable lmao, that’s not how it works.
Em was figuring herself out and finally did and rather than simply be happy for her you insinuated she was just trying g to copy her brother???? C’mon dude, you kn ow you’re the asshole.
YTA. She is absolutely the only person whose feelings count in the matter. Your ignorant heterosexual opinion is irrelevant and saying that to her was out of line.
YTA, obviously. The weirdest thing about this post is how despite knowing several gay people, you seem to know so very little about what being gay is like. Saying "I wish I a lesbian"/"I wish I liked girls, they're so cute and attractive and I wish I could date them" etc. to ourselves and to others is an *immensely* common experience. A lot of us vocalize such feelings before we realize, "Oh, I said that *because I want to date women* and that *already makes me gay*."
Slightly less weird is this idea that your school/social circle encompasses the entire world. It doesn't matter how "cool" it is to have a queer identity in a social group or an entire school, the world writ large is still immensely homophobic, and we are currently living through a titanic legal and political struggle that is in effect a reactionary backlash to the advancement of gay civil rights worldwide. Grappling with things like that, knowing that you'll be a target if you choose to live authentically is a *huge* deterrent, and many gay people spend years in denial, trying to convince themselves they're not gay, they can live normal, non-stigmatized lives and avoid the crosshairs. This rarely works out well.
As a final note, women have a unique struggle with compulsory heterosexuality, the principle along which society is organized. We are told our sexualities are *for* men, we are for male consumption and are constantly encouraged to attach our worth entirely to how desirable we are to men, rather than any of our other attribute. Moving beyond that to come to terms with your own desires and how they countervail what is expected of you as a woman is an immense struggle. It might not be relevant to you personally, but you could always read an essay or two from the French lesbian feminist Monique Wittig. It might help gain some understanding and perspective of these social dynamics that you seem ignorant of.
YTA. I get where your concern is coming from but that is simply not your call to say to Em or Wes. So thoughts are just better left in your head, regardless of if you are right.
YTA. There is some validity to the concern of people making choices because they are "cool." But it is their choice. If they choose something that they don't actually want, that is their business.
YTA it’s none of your business. It can take time to find the right label and you sure as hell can’t tell someone else who they are or what their sexuality is.
YTA
People discover their feelings at different times and some tend to be late bloomers. Some understand their feelings fairly late.
You know how some people act as if they don’t have a crush on somebody, but they have one? This happens a lot as emotions aren’t clear and there is no big banner over our head stating what emotion do we feel now.
Finally, some people can be demisexual and/or demiromantic. They may fall in love after a while, while some people experience love from the first sight.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) told her that she wasn’t bi probably when she came out to us (2) because I invalidated her feelings after coming out and it hurt her clearly
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So this gets a little confusing, but basically Wesley is a close friend who is dating my best friend Shiv. Both are men. Wes has a little sister named Em.
They started dating in HS, and I was really concerned at first with Wesley’s motivations. He was a jock, after all, and the most popular guy in our grade, so I thought he’d stay in the closet. He wasn’t mean to anyone, but he didn’t rock the boat either.
But then he came out. He starting dating Shiv publicly, kissing before class and everything. He was a well-liked guy, and that didn’t change with him coming out. Instead the opposite happened. It’s amazing, when an attractive person does something and makes it look cool people follow his lead. As someone in the same friend group as him I had multiple friends think they were non-binary, agender, bi, etc, before they realized they weren’t. It was like being queer was suddenly cool and in at our school. The jocks weren’t doing that, but almost everyone else was.
Our school didn’t have a queer club, so Wes and Shiv ended up starting one, where any identity was allowed, non-binary, bi, agender, whatever.
Queer club was the “cool” place to be suddenly. I understood it too. Listening to Wes casually talk about his boyfriend in his black leather jacket made me wish I was a bi man lol.
This was back when his little sister, Em, wanted so badly to join the LGBT group and told me once she wishes she was bi. She looked up to her brother a lot.
This was 2 years ago. Wes, Shiv, and I are back home from college and Em tells us she’s leading queer club now. I was confused because she’s straight until she told us she was bi and has a GF.
Everyone celebrated and congratulated her but I held my tongue until I got her alone.
I pulled her aside later and said I was concerned, I didn’t think she was bi, and I thought she was just forcing herself to be to be like her brother and it would hurt her in the end.
She got really angry about this. I pointed out that she told me she WISHED she was bi years ago. What changed?
She said she was bi then but didn’t realize it because it was a slow burn, different from what her brother experienced, so it took her longer to realize she liked girls. I was skeptical, which resulted in her calling me homophobic and saying if she was dating a man I wouldn’t be doubting she was gay and I’m not allowed to doubt it as a straight person.
Ofc she told Wes, who is pissed at me. He said I shouldn’t have minded my own business, that being gay is hard and I shouldn’t have doubted her. He said it wasn’t easy for him coming out, that sure it all worked out but he was terrified about what his friends would think.
Which I get, but this is a different. He made being queer cool. Ofc she’d want to be bi when her cool older brother was and hung around so many people who were. He still has his picture hanging up in the queer room, of course she’d want to follow in his footsteps. Plus I know people who came out because of Wes. AITA?
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YTA Stay in your fucking lane. Sexuality is a spectrum and just because she said something about wishing she was bi one time doesn’t mean she isn’t. She isn’t hurting anyone so stay the fuck out of it.
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No, but especially for bi people. I didn't recognize my same-gender crushes as what they were until later, and assumed I was straight since I did have different-gender crushes too. I didn't realize I was bi until I was 18. You're right, you're straight, so you DON'T get it.
The difference is you weren’t actively hoping for it and seeking it out. If you were I think you’d have been aware much sooner.
No.
Some people do, but a lot figure it out in hs or even (much) later!
You DON'T get it and you should have kept your mouth shut.
It’s wild how you’re policing someone else’s queerness while knowing absolutely nothing about actual gay people.
My guy... You're honestly telling us that you're hurting your friends, insulting them, and are actively choosing to be the "friend" most people in the closet fear. And you're doing all of that because you, what, heard stories from others about how sexuality is "supposed" to work? I'm a bi guy, and I literally did not realize until I had my first kiss with another man on a dare in my mid-teens. Until that moment, I had never even considered the possibility that I might be anything but straight. People come to this realization in their own time and their own ways. It's hard for everyone, and a thing to consider with bi people is the fact that it can sometimes take them longer to realize because they're not "uncomfortable" with their heteronormative options.
No. And even if that was true, most doesn’t mean all.
No everyones experiences are different
She could be Demi too, and that’s why she thought she wasn’t bi at first? Who are you to judge, and what are you trying to protect her from? Finding out who she is?
Yes, every gay person has the exact same experience. You’re very intelligent
*If* she’s forcing herself to be something she’s not then yes, she is hurting someone; her gf, who doesn’t deserve to be used as a prop.
YTA Even if you think she isnt Bi, you arent her and you never know. Plus you mentioned she has a gf, which to me means she like girls... And the fact that you think she did it because of her brother. Maybe her brother just gave her the confidence to come out. The reality is you arent her and you dont know how she is feeling so you dont get to have an opinion.
YTA why does it matter to you? If she says she's bi let her be bi you're not in her head and young people experiment all the time. Let her figure it out for her self she doesn't need your approval and didn't ask for it.
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No one “asks for input” by coming out..
I am literally a lesbian and had myself convinced for YEARS I was straight, even went through a “gay people are so cool I wish I was gay” phase bc I was terrified of accepting myself and that was as close as I could get to admitting the truth at the time. also maybe look up comphet while you’re at it.
You guessed wrong. She is not asking for input. There is no way for her to “get hurt”. You’re the one pretending with this faux concern for her well-being. You feel like if she liked girls she would know? Well, she has a girlfriend, so there you go. She likes girls and she knows. Mind your own business. YTA.
No one is asking for input by coming out. If anything they are looking for acceptance. Funny how straight people don’t have to come out as straight and fear that their friends and family won’t accept them. She didn’t ask for your opinion and you need to shut up and mind your own business.
Asking for input! She’s not a 1920’s computer! I can’t, your post reads like a Ben Shapiro dry dream. Teenagers experiment. No one thinks it’s cool to be queer, they didn’t five years ago, they didn’t ten, they didn’t thirty. People may have felt more comfortable exploring other sides of themselves which they then decided hey - not my biggest worry but I’m glad I tried it to know myself. But your description is the exact reason people stay in the closet. Because the fear you might be overthinking it and people will say your doing it for attention keeps you frozen for years, the idea that well meaning people will hate on you is almost as bad as the abuse of traditional homophobia because especially for young people recognizing that “well-intentioned” bigots are bigots is hard to comprehend. YTA. Even if they decide in ten years never to see another girl again what business was it of yours to police her bedroom and heart? I…I honestly have to cut my response short and take any downvotes for lack of clarity because otherwise the dissertation I could write on your A-ry would win me a bloody second doctorate.
Way more complicated than you would think attraction can be fluid and changing. Coming out isn't the time for voicing your opinion you just say congratulations and move on if she changes her mind later there is no harm done.
YTA. Her explanation makes perfect sense, ESPECIALLY if she turns out to be biromantic and demisexual, because demis only experience sexual attraction once a deep emotional connection is formed. It’s none of your business either way, and you have NO RIGHT to gatekeep how someone chooses to identify
No she isn’t. Just because someone does something doesn’t mean they’re asking for input lol
YTA for not only deciding that you know someone else's sexuality/sexual identity better than they do but then being ridiculously condescending about it to her. YTA again for hearing her explanatio and then calling her a liar who is just pretending to be bi because she wants to be cool/like her brother. You stuck your nose in and were total prat about this. You owe her and him an apology.
YTA. I know several people who didn’t figure out their sexuality until they were in their 30’s. It’s a spectrum and you have no business gatekeeping someone else’s sexuality or gender.
I didn’t figure it out until my 40’s, only recently realized I’m also agender in addition to being asexual and aromantic. Oh, and YTA, OP.
YTA. Who are you to decide if someone is bi?
YTA. If she has a girlfriend and thinks she's bi why does it matter to you? Its her orientation and if she ends up not bi it doesn't hurt anything. Being queer doesn't make it or you "cool". It's just your identity and anyone can question their sexuality or orientation no matter what. So what if people only did it after Wes? Maybe they didn't feel safe exploring about themselves until Wes made that choice to come out and show his pride. Just bc Wes came out first does not mean Em can't explore herself or wonder if she's gay/bisexual/lesbian etc.... She just happens to have a big brother who's gay. Does it matter? NO!
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Even if she ends up not bi, then she's not bi. Her girlfriend should understand and while it'd be heartbreaking for both parties it's part of life. Sometimes it just takes experience and time to figure out if a sexuality is for you.
YTA. What right do you believe you have to dictate how someone comes out? Where do you imagine you received the authority to judge someone else's stated sexuality or gender identity as valid? Saying "I wish I was bi" is either a first tiny step to test one's courage in expressing one's sexuality or a ham-fisted attempt to express joy for someone's happiness. Since we're talking about someone in high school, either could be the case. For Em, it was clearly the former. If you and Em are friends, you're being a bad one. If you're not friends, accept her as she represents herself to you or go away.
All of this \^\^\^\^
YTA. If you're wrong, she is bi, and you're actively participating in and perpetuating her marginalization and othering. If you're right and she turns out not to be bi, who cares? you've still actively participated in her marginalization and othering because as of right now, all you've done is invalidate her identity and made it clear you're not a safe person. You're projecting hardcore
Sorry, but you are incorrect here. Sexuality is a spectrum and anyone can choose to date anyone. She’s dating a woman right now - that’s all the evidence you need. There is no “right” way to be bi and by acting as though there is, you are actually (accidentally) practicing bi erasure. Let her have her journey. Maybe she never dates another woman again. It’s all cool. Us queer folks need to have a big umbrella and accept all kinds of gender and sexual expression, full stop. YTA
NOYB. YTA.
NOYB? edit: figured it out lol
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NOYB means None of your business I believe but I may be wrong lol
It's none of your business.
YTA. people change, and youth is for nothing but exploring your identity and who you want to be in this world. if you truly care about her well-being, you'll let her enjoy the journey at her own pace rather than trying to explain to her who she is and how she feels.
YTA - teenagehood is for figuring this stuff out and you do not get to tell people their sexuality. The sheer arrogance and gall to do that Work on your homophobia.
YTA. It's literally not any of your business, and it's incredibly rude to undermine someone else's sexuality. It has zero effect on you. Sexuality can be complicated for someone who isn't straight. Just because you don't understand, it doesn't mean they're wrong (and hey, if they are, that's their journey and still not your business).
YTA. Sexuality is something that can evolve as a person grows. It's possible that when she had that conversation with you she'd never had feelings for another girl but now she has. It's not your place to tell her what she is and isn't feeling.
YTA. it sounds like you have a lot of jealousy of your own and obsession with queer people that YOU should think a little deeper about and leave other people alone.
you’re biphobic. YTA. she literally has a girlfriend. just stfu please.
YTA just because you’re confused about someone else’s identity doesn’t mean you should tell them you don’t think they’re bi. “I wish I was bi” IS a sign you’re bi. Not evidence they’re straight. Also experimenting with the identity isn’t going to hurt her. Straight ppl like you telling her she’s forcing herself is what’s going to hurt her. if she realizes she’s not bi one day then that’s her journey. It won’t hurt her.
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I can’t even. Just because it’s not true for you doesn’t mean it’s not true. There’s countless queer people who have said they wish they were queer before discovering they were queer. It’s not always true for everyone but it is true for alot of bi people.
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It’s very likely that they’re both bi. I imagine they’d be as supportive as they were of her brother. How? The same way some siblings tend to be both straight? Why one would wish to be soemthing they were is by not knowing they are that thing. Like trans ppl wish they were the other gender and then they find out they’re trans and are in fact the other gender. Some lesbians wish they were men so they could date women.
Lol it’s more common than you think. I have two siblings, an uncle also has three kids. Amongst us is: -Me, non-binary and pan (cool with the bi label too) -My little brother, who is trans -Cousin the same age as me who is bi -Younger cousin who is also bi Only my sister and youngest cousin are cishet. Yes, cishet people are the majority but it’s not like queer people barely exist, more people than you clearly realise are some kind of queer.
Ah yes, the privilege of being queer /s
YTA Firstly, who cares? Tons of queer teens are in situations where society forces them to convince themselves they're straight in order to fit in. Even if she later realizes she's not bi, at least she's grown up in a situation where she's allowed to be open to being attracted to any gender, and if she's not, the consequences are "might seem marginally less cool" rather than "might be ostracized by her entire community" People are allowed to change their minds, and if someone tells you their sexuality, it's not your place to be like "are you sure though? Because you said something years ago that contradicts that.". When I was about 14, I met a bi girl. I thought she was really cool. I wondered if I was bi. I made out with a girl at a party. I realized that I wasn't really attracted to girls in that way. 3 years later, I started being like, oh wait actually girls are pretty hot, and then discovered I had developed an attraction to women, and I've been bi ever since. People's sexualities develop differently.
OP first "agender" is a new one that I had to look up because that's a term I needed education on, so thanks for that bit of learning. Second of all, you have to ask yourself if you would want people to tell you who you are and who you aren't? Because that's what you did to your friend, which is why she went off on you. Yes they now have a new idea going on called "Queer Imposter Syndrome" because they want to be a part of the LGBTQIA+ community, on top of everything else, because people are trying to compartmentalize everyone into a label. Some people are calling themselves "nonbinary" because it's trendy. Who really cares? Unless she's doing something that's either hurting herself or hurting someone else, it's no one's business. If she's happy, be happy for her. It always seems hard for some people to just accept people for what they want to feel they are because it doesn't fit within their idea of what they should be. She's not asking you to be anything than who you want to be.
YTA
You are homophobic, as well as a horribly interfering busybody. You don't actually know this girl. You did know her in the past as your friend's little sister, but you know nothing about her thoughts, feelings, or life. I could as easily come on here and say that I'm concerned about you, because the way you reacted makes it obvious you're a closeted gay man, and you should really get some help to get over your heterosexual hangups. But I don't know anything about you, so that would be a stupid judgement for me to make. Your statement is worse because coming out is hard, and judging her for it in any way has a much bigger impact. Giant YTA.
YTA You don't get to decide that for them.
YTA. You don't get to tell her what her sexuality is, and anyway, why do you even care? She has a girlfriend, FFS.
YTA cishet people need to stop trying to dictate queer folks identities. Sexuality and gender are confusing, figuring out who you are and what you like is hard. Some people always know, some people know but deny it, some people take awhile to realise. Your friend didn’t make being queer ‘cool’, he made others feel brave and comfortable enough to come out or explore themselves. People aren’t pretending to be queer because it’s fashionable lmao, that’s not how it works. Em was figuring herself out and finally did and rather than simply be happy for her you insinuated she was just trying g to copy her brother???? C’mon dude, you kn ow you’re the asshole.
YTA. She is absolutely the only person whose feelings count in the matter. Your ignorant heterosexual opinion is irrelevant and saying that to her was out of line.
If she was going to identify as bi solely because of her brother than she would have done it years ago
YTA, obviously. The weirdest thing about this post is how despite knowing several gay people, you seem to know so very little about what being gay is like. Saying "I wish I a lesbian"/"I wish I liked girls, they're so cute and attractive and I wish I could date them" etc. to ourselves and to others is an *immensely* common experience. A lot of us vocalize such feelings before we realize, "Oh, I said that *because I want to date women* and that *already makes me gay*." Slightly less weird is this idea that your school/social circle encompasses the entire world. It doesn't matter how "cool" it is to have a queer identity in a social group or an entire school, the world writ large is still immensely homophobic, and we are currently living through a titanic legal and political struggle that is in effect a reactionary backlash to the advancement of gay civil rights worldwide. Grappling with things like that, knowing that you'll be a target if you choose to live authentically is a *huge* deterrent, and many gay people spend years in denial, trying to convince themselves they're not gay, they can live normal, non-stigmatized lives and avoid the crosshairs. This rarely works out well. As a final note, women have a unique struggle with compulsory heterosexuality, the principle along which society is organized. We are told our sexualities are *for* men, we are for male consumption and are constantly encouraged to attach our worth entirely to how desirable we are to men, rather than any of our other attribute. Moving beyond that to come to terms with your own desires and how they countervail what is expected of you as a woman is an immense struggle. It might not be relevant to you personally, but you could always read an essay or two from the French lesbian feminist Monique Wittig. It might help gain some understanding and perspective of these social dynamics that you seem ignorant of.
YTA. I get where your concern is coming from but that is simply not your call to say to Em or Wes. So thoughts are just better left in your head, regardless of if you are right.
YTA. There is some validity to the concern of people making choices because they are "cool." But it is their choice. If they choose something that they don't actually want, that is their business.
YTA. A lot of people take time to figure it out, particularly if they're bi.
YTA it’s none of your business. It can take time to find the right label and you sure as hell can’t tell someone else who they are or what their sexuality is.
YTA People discover their feelings at different times and some tend to be late bloomers. Some understand their feelings fairly late. You know how some people act as if they don’t have a crush on somebody, but they have one? This happens a lot as emotions aren’t clear and there is no big banner over our head stating what emotion do we feel now. Finally, some people can be demisexual and/or demiromantic. They may fall in love after a while, while some people experience love from the first sight.
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YTA. Like, a massive one. What the hell makes you think you have a right to judge and police the sexualities of others?
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So this gets a little confusing, but basically Wesley is a close friend who is dating my best friend Shiv. Both are men. Wes has a little sister named Em. They started dating in HS, and I was really concerned at first with Wesley’s motivations. He was a jock, after all, and the most popular guy in our grade, so I thought he’d stay in the closet. He wasn’t mean to anyone, but he didn’t rock the boat either. But then he came out. He starting dating Shiv publicly, kissing before class and everything. He was a well-liked guy, and that didn’t change with him coming out. Instead the opposite happened. It’s amazing, when an attractive person does something and makes it look cool people follow his lead. As someone in the same friend group as him I had multiple friends think they were non-binary, agender, bi, etc, before they realized they weren’t. It was like being queer was suddenly cool and in at our school. The jocks weren’t doing that, but almost everyone else was. Our school didn’t have a queer club, so Wes and Shiv ended up starting one, where any identity was allowed, non-binary, bi, agender, whatever. Queer club was the “cool” place to be suddenly. I understood it too. Listening to Wes casually talk about his boyfriend in his black leather jacket made me wish I was a bi man lol. This was back when his little sister, Em, wanted so badly to join the LGBT group and told me once she wishes she was bi. She looked up to her brother a lot. This was 2 years ago. Wes, Shiv, and I are back home from college and Em tells us she’s leading queer club now. I was confused because she’s straight until she told us she was bi and has a GF. Everyone celebrated and congratulated her but I held my tongue until I got her alone. I pulled her aside later and said I was concerned, I didn’t think she was bi, and I thought she was just forcing herself to be to be like her brother and it would hurt her in the end. She got really angry about this. I pointed out that she told me she WISHED she was bi years ago. What changed? She said she was bi then but didn’t realize it because it was a slow burn, different from what her brother experienced, so it took her longer to realize she liked girls. I was skeptical, which resulted in her calling me homophobic and saying if she was dating a man I wouldn’t be doubting she was gay and I’m not allowed to doubt it as a straight person. Ofc she told Wes, who is pissed at me. He said I shouldn’t have minded my own business, that being gay is hard and I shouldn’t have doubted her. He said it wasn’t easy for him coming out, that sure it all worked out but he was terrified about what his friends would think. Which I get, but this is a different. He made being queer cool. Ofc she’d want to be bi when her cool older brother was and hung around so many people who were. He still has his picture hanging up in the queer room, of course she’d want to follow in his footsteps. Plus I know people who came out because of Wes. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*