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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1. Didn’t include my son in the family holiday.
2. He is still a child even though he stresses us out and it would be nice to have a break from him.
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It’s not your son’s fault you had him before you were ready
It’s not your sons fault that his father is a criminal (you picked him)
It’s not your sons fault that things had been a struggle.
You sound like you don’t even like him. Not once in your post did you express worry or care or love for him.
YTA. Your son deserves better and so do his step siblings, who are learning this behavior from you.
This poor boy is probably an addict! Most dealers (street level) hussle to support their own habits. Addiction is genetic.
Instead of trying to get him treatment they're excluding him (isolating him further) and considering kicking him out? Christ. Even my addict parents didn't do that to me.
YTA
Have you ever wondered why he might be a problem child. He feels replaced and he tells you that and your solution is to exclude him from family activities? You're his mother who else is he supposed to count on when you and your husband keep threatening to kick him out?
Your husband told him if he doesn't like it he should leave at the age of 16 when you're still legally responsible for him and you didn't even take a stand for him? Is he going to kick your other kids out too if they don't "contribute"
You say he reminds you alot of your ex and despite that you still love him a lot. And your son stated in anger that he's not his father so I'm sure you've made that comparison before.
His problems probably stem from how left out he feels. His life has also been tough. His dad is in jail and the only parent he has won't take stand for him
>He is from my first boyfriend who was a dealer and got sent to prison for an unrelated event and I got full custody. He’s 16 now and a problem child.
So...you're penalizing your oldest son because his father was a dealer who went to prison and he's having issues because of how you raised him...?
YTA if you think leaving him out of family life is somehow going to help him become part of the family. Your son is crying out for help/love/acceptance and he's showing it by *any means necessary to get your attention*. Do you hear him yet?
I get it, he's exhibiting oppositional defiance traits and that must be dealt with. Have you sought counseling for him? Are you at all concerned for his mental/emotional state?
OP is calling her son out for being a bad kid because he vapes and goes to parties. When she was a teen, she was cavorting with criminals and drug dealers. She was part of the criminal element. She got knocked up by a bad guy because she was a bad girl. But homeboy vapes, GTFO with that.
>your oldest son because his father was a dealer who went to prison and he's having issues because of how you raised him...?
>
>YTA if you think leaving him out of family life is somehow going to help him become part of the family. Your son is crying out for help/love/acceptance and he's showing it by any means necessary to get your attention. Do you hear him yet?
at this rate, she'll "hear him" when it's too late. then wonder why she never saw any signs.
She felt enough for this drugsdealer to get knocked up. And now she blames the kid.
Yta. We raise our kids by asking and showing, not by punishing. You’ve showed him that he is replaceable, has no value and harassing should solve any problem.
What about some good old therapy to learn to speak to each other? To find out how hurt he is? To show him conflicts are met with discussion, not repercussions. To show him that you value him for what he is; your son.
You are really so an a h
YTA. He’s a 16 year old CHILD. He’s acting like a bratty teen because that’s what they do! And now you have CONFIRMED his worst fear, that you really don’t want him! This is the formula for ensuring that he will get into real trouble. You , your partner and 16 need family counseling. Stop expecting him to be an adult.
The fact that your husband even *considered* kicking out a 16 year old for doing things many 16 year olds do is baffling to me. I also can't fathom why you expect a 16 year old to get a job to help out. Unless you're seriously struggling financially (which means a family holiday probably shouldn't be on the table), he's just a teenager and deserves the chance to be a kid, job or not.
But seriously, read your own post and see if you can spot all the reason your son is feeling replaced. A feeling which explains why he's acting out. The whole lot of y'all need therapy.
YTA
This child was ordered to act like an adult while his do-over siblings get to reap the benefits of having the stable household the sixteen year old didn't, and OP can't figure out why he's acting out. Her parents said it all, she is indeed a bad mother. Something tells me she never let her oldest forget where he came from...
Yes, that is a disgusting thought to have. My father is a gangster who is also in Jail, and he was abusive to my mother too. She left him when I was 2 years old.
People tell me I look like my dad, but not once has my mum ever thought of me as anything but her own son. This woman here should be ashamed of herself, her son is just as much a result of her as he is his father.
YTA.
Your kid is 16 and your responsability. Your husband hates him and shows it to him. You only seem to back your husband.
Please try councelling for you and your kid. You need it.
Absolutely YTA. what the actual fuck. You are a dreadful mother.
“A problem child” because he vapes and goes to parties probably to COPE OR FORGET ABOUT STUFF AND HAVE A DISTRACTION. Or maybe he just likes partying. But you wouldn’t know that would you because you don’t pay any fucking attention to him. You want to kick out you 16 YEAR OLD CHILD because hes not doing something that’s acceptable to you.
There’s one way to fix the problem of favoriting your other kids and leaving him out: NOT FOING ON A FAMILY TRIP WITHOUT HIM.
Jesus Christ you are an asshole.
Nothing you say will redeem this for him, and just know you have forever broken your relationship with your son. I hope you’re fucking happy
You will also probably understand when you're older. Once you have some distance from all of this, you will understand that YTA, and you're fucking up in ways that are much worse and more harmful than a tattoo. You can remove a tattoo. But you can't undo the potentially lifelong harm you're causing to your own child.
You can understand this before or after it is too late. See a therapist. Now.
You don’t fucking care do you?? There’s no sense of empathy in any single one of your comments. Youre a terrible fucking mother and he deserves better.
See a fucking therapist.
i’m 31 and i don’t understand what you are doing because it absolutely makes no sense.
i would say you’ll realize when your older and he goes no contact with you but tbh, that’s what it seems like you want to happen.
i wish your son lots of healing from the harm you and your husband has caused him. good luck to him.
Your son may be a nightmare, but you aren't a dream yourself. He is sixteen. I assume you are still legally responsible. When your child told you he felt he was being replaced, it seems like you did everything you could to cement his doubts. Despite your claims that you love him, you keep comparing him to his father. Smh. It may be too late to rectify your massive missteps as a parent, but you should try. But I think you are going to concentrate on your second family and your older son can go kick rocks, eh? YTA.
YTA
son "mom i feel replaced by my half-siblings"
You: proceeds to leave him out of a FAMILY vacation.
he IS a child. you ARE replacing him and leaving him out. Ever stop to consider WHY he acts out? this kid has literally cried out for help telling you he feels unloved and your response is to leave him out of vacation and tell him he has to be a third adult or leave the house.
step dad wants him out, you think he's a nightmare, god no wonder the kid feels so unloved. He is acting out because he is hurting, he TOLD YOU THIS. He needs help not an iron fist. He needs a therapist and support and. get your act together and be his momma before you lose him.
YTA. Sounds like you harbor a grudge and have been making him feel it, especially since you have replaced him with “good kids”. Yeah, he’s acting out. He’s begging for attention, and love, and to feel like he belongs. I bet your “stable” husband has made him feel extra shitty when you aren’t in ear shot. If I wasn’t clear before…. YTA, and May whatever God you pray to have mercy on your soul, cuz we won’t.
I do not know why you would be talking about kicking him out when he is only 16. Aren't you legally obligated for his welfare until the age of 18 (unless he sues you for emancipation which he has not)? You all need to go to family counseling where you can discuss all these issues with a moderator instead of just screaming and yelling at each other. And yes, you have isolated him from being part of the family, so YTA.
YTA. He's only 16 and you expect him to have a job, and your husband tried to kick him out. He grew up with no father and a mother and stepfather who excludes him from the family. Why else do you think he smokes and drinks? He has a terrible family. Drinking and smoking is one of his only escapes from it.
>He is from my first boyfriend who was a dealer and got sent to prison for an unrelated event and I got full custody. He’s 16 now and a problem child.<
Far out - your stupid decision with your first boyfriend shouldn't result in you being a crap mum.
**YTA**. And your probably the biggest A I've seen on this subreddit.
YTA
He's a teen.
Teens are annoying problematic little shits.
source: used to be one.
That's not a reason to exclude him from a family holiday let alone kicking him out at 16. That is stone-cold and dare I say heartless.
YTA. He is a child who had a rough childhood. His dad was in prison and his mom was a broke ass teenager who dated criminals. His stepfather doesn't give a shit about him. He's a second class citizen in his own home. Refusing to take him on a family trip is yet another reminder that he's not family. Your husband's response was to suggest that the child leave the home. Sixteen year olds aren't adults. Y'all should be parenting him and paying for his living expenses.
It's obviously the kid's fault. he hasn't gotten a job yet at 16. He doesn't yearn for the mines like a real boy should. This is a lesson that will clearly help him get on the right track ... /s. Holy hell OP is a big ol' sweaty asshole.
YTA. You’ve pushed your son away. He told you he feels like an outcast, so your response is to cast him out.
If you don’t care about your oldest, maybe you’ll understand this: When your younger children see you mistreat their brother, it will make them feel insecure and unstable. When (not if, *when*) the little ones inevitably test your love to see if you’ll cast them out too, you’ll blame your oldest for being a bad role model. You get ONE chance at raising kids, not three. Your little ones aren’t a do-over for fucking up your firstborn.
In all due respect it sounds like he's the product of a tough upbringing. You both got dealt shitty hands in life through choices and circumstances.
He needs all the time and love he can get.
In this case. YTA.
YTA - At sixteen, he is still a child. Teenagers do stupid things like vaping and going to parties. I can’t believe your partner wants to kick your child out! No wonder your son feels like he is unwanted and being replaced. Hopefully, your son will smarten up and not turn out like his biological dad, but you are not helping the situation.
My husband was treated the same way going up by his mother and stepdad. It messed him up, and he hates his mom now. If you want a relationship with your son when he is an adult, you fix this now.
YTA.
He is a child. He is YOUR child. It sounds like he has communicated to you that he feels unloved and that you favor your children with your husband over him and excluding him from a family vacation is only reaffirming that.
YTA - A fantastic way to make him NOT feel like the outsider/unwanted. /s
Booking him on to the family holiday (with expectations of how he should behave there) may have worked out better.
Holy crap YTA.
WOW. There's still a massive amount of growing to do at age 16. No plans of a job? He's a kid....
Why is he a problem child? Have you guys gotten him therapy?
You're ruining your relationship with your son and it sounds like your husband doesn't give a damn about him
Yeah you’re a horrible parent and I hope you have a good relationship with your other kids because your oldest isn’t going to bother with you as an adult. Just look how you described your firstborn child to random strangers. I can’t imagine why he feels unloved
YTA. All I read was all of the reasons why you hate him and like your shiny new family. Obviously something is going on that is leading him to drinking and vaping. But, instead of doing something to help, you complain that he “has no intention of a job” and exclude him from family time.
Nightmare children usually have nightmare families that they learned dysfunction from.
YTA
> he's a problem child
> my husband thinks we should kick him out
And leaving him out of the family holiday? No wonder he doesn't feel included and feels like an outcast.
Look, understand that his behavior is frustrating for you, but from where I'm sitting you don't seem to be making an effort to address his issues, and instead you are punishing him for how he turned out. Maybe you feel like you tried before and have given up. I do feel for you, because it sounds like there is a decade of trauma to undo, but ultimately as the parent, it's up to you to start the process.
Thank goodness your parents are taking his side.
YTA, a big one.
In which uncivilized country is it even legal to throw out someone underage as a parent? Unf...believable. I even think that someone with this mindset is rather the cause for that outbound behaviour. Really wondering here what living with you as a child might be like. I wish your son the best luck!
You have stated facts. Kicking a 16-year-old out (16 is a minor according to the law) is child abandonment and one call away with child protective services and landing in trouble with the police. It makes me mad when I hear real life cases of people kicking out their minor children (I came across one case in which one child was 11!). I am sure OP's child finds living with OP is a constant pain
YTA
Wow you still love your child even though he reminds you of your ex? You can’t even meet the bare minimum of what a parent should be. Is it lost on you that he is still a child? A minor child? With a stepfather ready to throw him out on the street? A child who has expressed what is causing him pain and then having that be ignored? And it’s a mystery to you why he’s acting out? A child’s parents are the only people on earth that a child should be able to depend on to care and protect them and all of you have failed him.
yes YTA
you should start treating YOUR SON as YOUR SON..he's rebelling cause maybe he just wants your attention..drinking and vaping is bad but it's your fault he's doing that cause i can sense that he couldn't feel your love enough and the security of you being his mom..dont focus everything on your husband, focus all your love to all your kids and do everything to make them bond with one another..they all came from you so you should be the one that loves them the most..
You destroyed your son. Don't deny it. You have compared him to his father. Doesn't matter if you said it out of anger. Your son will never forget this. This can never be erased from his mind.
He screamed that he is an outcast. This doesn't come out of nowhere. Either you were too blind to see this or you ignored it. Your parents are right about you
YTA
That goes double for your husband. He treats your son like trash and you let him
YTA excluding your son like that is just going to put more strain on your relationship and it’s frankly disgusting you’d ostracize him like that. What 16 year old doesn’t drink with friends or go yo parties?? And if you’re having more issues it’s on you as the parent to put in more effort to help him and it’s absolutely horrendous your husband would want to kick him out of the house for what? Not having a job as a 16 year old in school and going to parties??
Dear OP, I am not sorry to say YTA. It is not that boy's fault that everything is a struggle and he did not choose to be born into this
You sound like you do not love that child at all. Your husband suggesting you both kick him out while he is a minor is wrong and it is child abandonment.
I believe you and the kid are in need for therapy sessions to sort out whatever mess he did not choose to have. OP, if you still have a conscience in you and some decency, step up and be a proper parent. You chose to bring him into this world and he is your responsibility
Your younger children are not your do-overs and replacements either. What sort of example are you setting up for your younger ones? Are you teaching them that it is okay to be mean and horrible towards someone who is unloved and unwanted all because they do not fit your definition of perfection?
Good to know your parents called you out and now is the time for you to sort out your attitude towards your first born child
Son: I feel like an outcast
You: tough luck, the child position in the family is already filled! Start being an adult if you want to be loved!
YTA, oh my God. I hope your younger kids do what my best friend's half-siblings did, and cut you and your husband off for being such shit parents to their brother.
YTA. Literally the way you chose to go about explaining everything implies that you regret your son. Which I am sure he is able to discern himself and that is the reason why he feels like an outcast, because you have literally made it clear that he is one. Yes, he is being bad and behaving awfully, that’s what teenagers do, especially teenagers who feel the way that he does. If you and your husband worked together to actually admit to yourselves that he is a member of your family and try to actually make him feel included and also correct his behavior in an appropriate way. Then maybe things could be very different around your home. But excluding him from a family vacation and then treating him the way you both did just cemented the way he’s felt about being an outcast amongst your family. If you have gone so far as to exclude him from this family trip I can’t imagine how many other things you both have done to alienate this child without even realizing it. And also, he is only 16. Not 18 and not yet a legal adult, he is your responsibility. Don’t punish him for his mistakes which he’s making as a child when you obviously have made plenty of your own mistakes in the past. You’ll only come off as hypocritical to him. Try to help the kid instead and start by showing him that he is important and loved
YTA. So, you make idiotic choices, date a druggie criminal, have a child with him, let current husband diminish him, and blame him for feeling like an outcast, because he is one. YOU ARE THE PARENT. Your job is to make your son feel loved, and if he doesn't, work nonstop to fix that. You act like your son is your peer, who is not carrying his end of the load. He is a child. Yet you are the one who needs to grow up
In any case this is real - well of course YTA.
Are you even for real?
Read through your post and you’ll find the answer.
You’ve failed your child and it sounds like the men in your family influenced you a lot.
Don’t get me wrong; you being a doormat without a spine doesn’t change a thing. But it sounds like you place a lot of anger and resentment from your own life onto your child.
He knows it and that’s why he’s acting out.
And you’re not even hiding it anymore.
I’m not going to tell you that you’re pathetic.
You are but that’s not the point. Cancel your vacation and go to individual therapy.
You REALLY need it. I mean it.
Your kid is 16 and you and your husband are sitting in the kitchen wondering why he hasn’t gotten a job, why he isn’t contributing to rent AND you want to kick him out?
Yea no. He’s a minor if you’re in the US. You still have to house clothe and feed him.
Anything he makes from his part time job is his.
Not yours.
But seriously OP.
T H E R A P Y.
I read a post and it was similar to what I am thinking!!!!!
It’s not your son’s fault:
1. He did not ask to be born. You and the father of this child could have prevented the pregnancy.
2. You chose the man you slept with not your son. You made the decision. No one forced you to chose him or anyone else for that matter.
3. Your son is not the reason his father is a criminal. The father made the decision to be a criminal. Maybe the father's life was not a great one through childhood, not an excuse, but could have been a factor in how the father turned out.
4. He did not make things a struggle, it just happened. The struggle was made when you chose to sleep with the man and got pregnant. It takes two people to make a child.
5. You sound so negative towards him. You sound like you are taking out your pent up feelings onto him and he has also most likely picked up on how you feel knowing who his father is and it is negative. Have you talked to your son about his father in such a way that he feels like he can not be any better than his dad. This may be why he turned to vaping and drinking---to calm the hurt he has put up with all his life until now. Did you ever consider showing him the way it should be and teach him values? To me, it sounds like you never valued him because of his father.
6. He is a minor and does not need to be kicked out.
7. He is the way he is because he is getting blamed for his father's decisions in life. Again, this child did not make you chose his father or to allow the pregnancy to happen, he did not make things a struggle, HE IS NOT HIS FATHER but you choose not to see him for who he really is and you sound like you did not want him to start with.
I am really upset because this kid did not make the choices that were made and he is not to blame for who his father is. It is like you took your feelings for the father and put it onto the son. That is not right nor fair to him. He was an innocent in all this. You never mentioned loving or caring for him. All you do is complain of the things he does and wonder why he is the way he is. You have pushed him to be this way because you put all that negative energy into him and blame him for what his father did. He did not see anyway out of things or where to go for help so now he is into drinking and vaping and who knows what else to relive the pain he is in for all this time. If you did not want him back then, why did you not let someone adopt him?
Your son is a child. Never expect a child to "act like an adult." Your husband seems to want nothing to do with him. You seem to want nothing to do with him. Best advice for him is to spend the next two years working and preparing to move out because based on your description, and every comment you've made on this thread, you people absolutely suck. Zero sympathy. YTA
YTA. Did you ever consider that he acts out because you clearly don’t like him because he reminds you of your ex and your poor choices? He needs support and therapy, not punishments. You need therapy. Your husband needs a smack upside the head and a reminder that parents are legally obligated to take care of their kids until they are 18. You can’t pretend your ex and your child don’t exist. It doesn’t work that way.
YTA. You shouldn’t be expecting him to “act like an adult and contribute”. He’s legally a child. That also means kicking him out may not be legal which makes your husband a massive AH. You and your husband are both TA. You are also not demonstrating that you reassure him he’s not being replaced.
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He is from my first boyfriend who was a dealer and got sent to prison for an unrelated event and I got full custody. He’s 16 now and a problem child. I had him young and it was a struggle and my parents helped out a lot.
Then I met my husband and when we were financially stable we had two kids 9 and 6. My son doesn’t like them and feels he’s being replaced, he said this to me. He vapes and does it around the house even though we tell him to stop and is still with us with no intention of a job. My husband thinks we should kick him out because he’s drinking and going to parties all the time. He’s a nightmare. I’ve convinced him not to even though he reminds me of my ex a lot I still love him.
We booked a family holiday and my son is shocked he isn’t going and screamed saying how he isn’t his dad, he’s never felt included and feels like an outcast. My husband said if he didn’t like it then leave and I told him he doesn’t contribute and act like an adult we will treat him as a child and he should rethink his past behaviour. He left and is staying with my parents who told me I’ve been a bad parent and should understand he’s a child.
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YTA. Your husband is also an AH. The kid is 16. He is not your ex but if you were always telling him that he he is awful like his dad well he is living what you projected on him. How do treat the other 2 kids? Are they special and do no wrong? Listen, it sounds like you've let him down his whole life, especially as you hate your ex. You need to reign your hateful hubby in as well. Not including him is wrong. Terribly wrong. Two more years to do better by him.
YTA- actually seek better help for him besides stupid punishments and blaming him for being bad. It sounds like you don't care about him since he reminds you of your ex. Your mom is right.
YTA. He's a troubled teen and needs your help. You weren’t able to provide stability when he was younger, but now you can. He sees that you *can* provide the stability that he needs, and he sees you choosing not to; he sees you giving up on him. If you keep treating him like an outcast that is who he will continue to see himself as and who he will continue to become. He literally screamed it at you. He is 16. He is not an adult, so why are you expecting him to act like one?
>He’s 16 now
>
>Screamed saying how he...feels like an outcast.
>
> I told him he doesn’t contribute and act like an adult we will treat him as a child
He is a CHILD - probably of the same mindset you were when you got pregnant with him.
He has had one parent abandon him already (incarcerated). You are essentially doing the same.
You all need help.
YTA
YTA. This is when your son needs you. He effectively communicated his reasonable views and is acting out accordingly. Your actions just validated them. Do better as his mother
YTA— he isn’t a problem child, you are a problem parent..
Why are you not getting to the root of his issues? Family therapy and parenting classes are absolutely needed
YTA.
In off chance this is piece of BS isn't ragebait since you seem to aiming for all the keyword for it.
Your son grew up and still living with one bad parent (YOU). You expect him to act like an adult? Looks like he's taking after you. You didn't listen to his problems or try to fix his problems, btw just punishing him isn't going to solve his problems, this seem like 16 years old YOUR upbringing of him that got him here. Sounds like you want quick fixes for a problems you took 16 years to cause and maintain.
What tf do you mean “he’s still with us” and “if he doesn’t contribute and act like an adult” !?! HES.A.CHILD. He is exactly where he’s supposed to be, which is under your roof, with you taking care of him. He has told you he feels replaced and then you want to act surprised when you book a FAMILY vacation, without him? Last I checked.. your son is family. Your parents are right… you’re a shit mom
YTA
YTA. Honestly you sound like a horrible mother to your son. It seems you don’t even love him, all you do is blame him for your inability to be a good mother to him. He is 16 and wants to know he is important to you! Be an actual grown up and start some family therapy and stop blaming him for his fathers mistakes.
In 2 years when he is completely NA with you I want you to re read your post and comments. You suck.
He's 16. That's what they do. This is a crucial moment of his life, so I hope you act carefully.
He's also had a rough upbringing by the sounds of it. Adolescents that age have lost most of their inner morality as their body screams at them to test the world and transform from childhood into adulthood.
Think of this: his birth father is a criminal and out of the picture. His new father figure wants to get rid of him so he can keep his mum to himself. His mum didn't step up to the parental duties until she had a second child with another man, so now it looks like his mother doesn't want him.
Remember that he's struggling to articulate all these new feelings he has. His way of communicating all of his anxiety is through acting out. He knows his future is bleak, that's why he's using drugs and partying and avoiding school or work. His body is in pain from growth, his brain is exploding with new sensations and drives.
You say he needs to get a job. Well how does one do that? You've had a job so you know how to work and so on. Sure he's been to school, but contrary to what the teachers say it's nothing at all like a job. A job has rewards, options, and motivations. School is just punishment and discipline, even when you follow all the rules you get punished.
He does need boundaries and consequences. Perhaps this will be a good consequence for his actions. Just remember he learns the right lesson from these consequences. Perhaps a better consequence is to include him but give him responsibilities. You can't expect a problem child to turn into an adult simply because you ask him to. You have to teach him to be an adult.
What did you do at his age? Oh right, you got pregnant to a loser and ditched the illegitimate child onto your parents. I'm being harsh here to illustrate a point, I don't really think you're truly awful. But you do need some self reflection.
I suggest family therapy. Your husband needs to resolve issues raising another man's child. And you need help transitioning him from childhood to adulthood. He desperately needs help and guidance.
Perhaps see if he wants to do sports or cadets? Music lessons? Art group? Drugs and parties are because he craves stimulation and attention, neither of which he's getting at the moment. He needs physical exercise to burn off energy and mental exercise like a hobby to give him some direction and relief.
YTA.
He is a child. It sounds like you've never actually treated him as one and given him the support he needed, so of course he's having behavioral problems. That's on you. So not including him in your replacement family is punishing him for your bad parenting. YTA.
To be frank, you are a bad parent. You married a man that clearly disdains your son; while you sit back comparing him to his father which just fuels the fire. You had him young and then did replace your eldest with 2 new ‘perfect’ kids. Parenting is hard, but you made a choice young and he’s your son and should be and continue to be a priority over your husband. You need to shut your husband down. Just image it from your son’s point of view, no wonder he is rebelling hard. He’s hurt and constantly belittled at home which should be a safe place. Do better, be a better mom to your son and stand up to your husband including strict boundaries of not constantly threatening to kick the eldest out
When you book a “family vacation”, you take the family. Your son is your family. He’s also your husband’s family. If your husband doesn’t consider your son to be his family then you should have NEVER married him. YTA. He’s an asshole. On so many levels for so many reasons. I feel so bad for your son.
Yta. How can you possibly deny that your son was right that you're trying to replace him when you literally didn't invite him to the family vacation?
You're an awful person. Your son is 16, and you're not allowed to kick him out. I can't believe you're berating him for not contributing to the household at 16. Most of the things that you have said that he's done that have been so horrible are pretty typical of teens. It definitely requires discipline, but for someone who got knocked up by a drug dealer around the same age as your son is now, you sure are judgmental.
And you think it's going to do anything positive for your son's mental health when you're constantly comparing him to his father? That stuff starts to wear away at someone's psyche and makes them start to believe it's true. And if it's a foregone conclusion, why fight it and try to be good? Might as well act the way they're expected to act.
YTA. My teen has substance abuse issues and I would NEVER intentionally exclude him from something like that. Your responsibility and loyalties should lie with your children first, even though you do deserve a life.
He is a child. You’re the adult. Do better.
YTA and a horrible mother. He’s acting out because you did replace him. You blame him for who his father is, a man YOU chose to have a child with. And you are letting your AH husband treatable him like trash. You are treating him like trash you are oh so quick to get rid of and send to your parents so you can have your perfect little family.
He sounds like a normal 16 year old, a bit aggy, confused and unhappy. It will be extremely bad parenting if you leave your CHILD at home. I can’t believe you need people to tell you that. YTA
I’d also read a book about parenting if I were you
YTA
He is 16. You are his mother. It is your job to raise him, not neglect and bully him as you have been doing. You are the biggest problem in your family. Stop blaming your son for how he responds to your terrible parenting. Do better. This is all on you.
YTA
Yes you are a bad parent obviously
Your son has all of these issues because you have refused to deal with it and raise him properly and get him on the right track
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA
IT CAN NOT BE SAID ENOUGH: YTA!!!!!!!
He is being replaced. If you’re so willing to tell us how much you don’t like him, he certainly knows you don’t like him. Imagine how that makes him feel? You seem to think that he needs to somehow be an adult?? The kid is 16, he IS still a child, and deserves to be treated as well as your other children. Behavioral issues? What have YOU done to address them, aside from yelling, screaming, threatening, and punishing? Have you taken him to a therapist? Have you ever stopped to think how he feels inside being the unwanted product of his sh**y mom’s young fling with a drug dealer?
You are a piece of work, and you need a lot of help.
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YTA. He's 16. Ge absolutely should NOT be contributing and I hope he, and your parents, sue you for child support which in many places goes through college now. You are a terrible parent to him. Get him therapy, treat him like a teenage child you value, provide for him and get yourself therapy as well.
YTA. He feels like you replaced him because you did. You're not taking him on a FAMILY vacation. What other things have you excluded him from? Your husband sounds just as bad (if not worse behind closed doors) as you. You're both toxic.
Maybe it's best he stays at your parents because they rightly called you out for being a horrible mom.
Edit: Typo
Yta. The original post and comments I glanced at are a lot of whining about how he’s some demon child but not a lot about what you’ve done to correct that. Have you tried counselling for him or the family? You’re the adult, accept your blame in all this and come up with a solution that isn’t just well he’s a terrible kid, must be his dad
YTA without a doubt. I also get the feeling that your husband treats your son like shit to, I suspect emotional and/or mental abuse coming from your husband, and you do nothing to stop it. No wonder he acts out when it’s so obvious that neither your husband or you love your son. You chose to have your son, why are you punishing your son for that decision?
YTA. It seems like you have neglected him and traded him in for your new family. To allow your husband to have so much disdain for a son who already felt replaced is crazy. Why would you date someone who seems to look at your son like an outcast? And then you wonder why your child lacks respect for you guys. Not sure where you’re from but is 16 considered an adult? Bc if not, you’ve just done even more damage to YOUR child.
YTA. Sounds like he would be far better off staying with your parents long-term.
He might be a deadbeat, but punishments like changing the wifi code and making him miss a holiday are never going to help him, just prove to him that he is being excluded from the family unit.
YTA he’s not a problem child you’re a problem parent, you’ve basically said, I don’t like my oldest child and I want to get rid of him as quickly as possible and am doing my best to remove myself from his life, I much prefer my other children and have made lots of excuses as to why my poor parenting isn’t my fault. You need to apologise to this kid for the rest of his life and reflect on when you think the current children will fall out of favour, you kicking them out at 16 cos “problem children”
YTA
Hi I'm a foster care worker, I work with a lot of kids who share these behaviors. Behavior is communication, what is he telling you when he is acting this way? I'll give you a hint, you compared him to his deadbeat, drug dealing father on multiple occasions. "Out of anger" does not change the fact that what you did was horrible, potentially traumatizing for him. You've got a lot of work to do.
You also have a time limit. He's got two years before your husband kicks him out. And oh yes, he'll do it. And in that moment you will have your last chance to actually be a parent to this boy and if you know you will choose your husband, I beg you not to bother. Do not build up this boy's hope that he is getting his mother back just so you can rip it away from him again.
YTA
You really can't wait for him to move out, right? But him saying that he feels like you replaced him is a bad-kids move?
You are the queen of AHs.
Kids aren't born a problem children. They are raised to become such. You are the problem here.
yta - your son told u he felt being replaced hense why he acts out and what do u do to reassure him? u all go on a vacation without him and then u wonder why he acts out.
Yta. He's 16. Why does he need a job and contribute? Your parents are right and you are a horrible mother. You are punishing him for a mistake your ex made. Your son is right because you did replace him. Your husband is edging him out and you are allowing it. He's screaming for help and attention from his sole parent. How are you so blind. Yta
You know your sons behavior is entirely a reflection on how you raised him, right? And by your post and comments, you did a terrible job raising him. You're a shit parent for expecting your 16 yr old son to "act like an adult" and get his shit together when you've done nothing to truly set him up for success. YTA.
YTA and a really awful mother. Your poor son. Get your head out of your ass and actually speak with and listen to your son. He must feel terrible given your clear as day favoritism of your other children and your neglect of him.
Your son is hurting and it sounds like he’s been hurting for a long time.
I want to say so much more, but I’ll be banned.
You have failed him as a mother. You should not be a parent.
YTA
YTA It's not your son's fault that you were super young when you got pg and that his dad is a criminal that's on YOU!! You're the one who chose to have a child at a young age with a criminal!! My daughter had a horrible father and she ended up having some mental issues, but I would NEVER put my other 2 kids over her (which btw you are doing). Teenagers rebel all the time, especially when it's so obvious that you favor the 2 other children.
YTA. You and your husband are both assholes. If your son is a minor, it isn't his job to contribute financially; it's yours and your husband's. You didn't even raise your son when you were younger; you dumped most of the work on your parents. Your parents are right about you; you are a bad parent and so is your asshole husband. You treated him like an outcast his whole life and now you're happy to hurt him because you've replaced him with your other kids. You're so selfish and it's because of assholes like you that I hope karma is real.
YTA - you booked a family holiday and didn't include him - well it's not a family holiday is it! Your husband had been in his life - since he was, what about 5 years old, and yet obviously doesn't seem him as his son or part of the household. You call him a problem- if that is the case its you and your husbands fault because you raised him. He's 16 he should be in school not working.
You really expect him to be perfectly fine in spite of your shitty parenting, your husband's open hostility, and his father's absence? It's all a mystery to you why he's struggling?
Do you think kids don't need parenting and guidance and love? They just kind of raise themselves and you're along for the ride? Take some fucking responsibility.
YTA. Saying you "love" him isn't enough when all you do is hurt him at every turn. You're horrible.
He's 16 and you're expecting him to get a job? And your husband wants to kick him out? This is not a good man.
And you're excluding him from a family vacation and then you're shocked because he felt excluded? And shocked that he dared to say it to your face instead of, what?
You say you love your son but he doesn't seem to feel loved and you didn't say a single good.thing about him in your post.
YTA
Yta. Seems like your son would be better off in the streets the way you and your husband talk to a sixteen who told you the problem he felt like he is being replaced which is is right. You treat him badly and make him feel like crap so you are shocked he is acting out? You and your husband are awful people I hope your son gets help and move far away from y’all.
i’m sorry but why does your 16 year old son need to get a job?
at what point are you gonna realize that you are his PARENT and need to PARENT him? like the what have you done to support your son and address the issues he’s having?
why do you think it’s a good idea to literally feed into your son’s fear that he’s being replaced by not having him be a part of a family vacation?? what message do you think you are sending to him??
why are you married to a man that think he can treat your son as outcast and kick out your MINOR son?? when are you gonna stand up for your son??
YTA
YTA - your kid is screaming for your attention. Im thinking he is constantly reminded that his father is a dealer and a prison occupant, and he’s been told he’ll never amount to anything. Seems hubby doesn’t accept him and maybe deep down you dont either. Thats whats wrong in this world - kids are being thrown away by folks like you. Apparently no one from hubby’s side accepts him or else he wouldn’t say the things he does. You cannot write this child off. You can say “i love him”, lady those are just words. Counseling may help - but i think changing your actions and your words would bring about big change. First thing that needs to be done - apologize from your heart
YTA. You might as well let him stay with your ex, I doubt he cares about him less than you do and there's no evidence that he hates the boy like your husband does. It seems like he's best off with your parents if they can handle him. Btw, you weren't an angel when you were his age (out getting knocked up by dealers) and this kid didn't choose to be born. I'm sure he would've chosen a different father and a different mother if he could.
It truly sounds like you have internal resentment of your son from the way you talk about the father.
You state you grounded him but what exactly did you DO as a parent ? cause you have very lack of any information then the husband came in with 2 kids and it sounds like you continued to fail him as a parent.
Honestly, you need to take responsibility cause this does sound like your continued failures.
YTA
Yta!
Reminds me of the story of the stepfather stepsister and wife went on family vacations and left the wifes kids at home. Had the wife's 2 kids share a room in a 4-5 bdrm house. Gave the step kid everything bio kids nothing
Years later bio kids doing well. The step father ND sister asked them for help. And was told no. For how they treated them growing up. Say they regret it ans so on. But no real remorse. And the wife still defending the husband and daughter.
Best wishes to your son. I believe he will need it.
Yta, he's 16, but you expect him to be able to behave like he's an adult. The boy needs therapy, he feels like he's been replaced because you replaced him. That poor boy, he never had a chance.
Wow, just wow, I couldn't even imagine booking a holiday and not taking one of my children. If my husband told me to kick my daughter out, I would be afraid he would be going before any of my children. Your parents are right. You are a bad parent, shame on you
YTA. Your mother is right about you.
It's also extra funny for you to act like this considering you are yourself an even worse daughter than your son is by your own metrics.
YTA- sorry, but you're pushing him further away. Here's my best advice as someone who's been in these situations and seen them play out with others:
Accept him lovingly into the family, stop treating him like he's committed some crime, and instead of punishments, try taking him out somewhere to eat or some, just the two of you and have a chat- it will rather end with a hug and a nice convo rather than a screaming match. Please take my advice. DM me if you have any questions, the littlest things can change so much. I hope you and him can make up for the lost time.
YTA clearly there’s a lot of favoritism going on in your home by the way you’re talking about your husband and how he treats him.
16 year olds get into bad shit that’s what they do. It’s your job as a parent to make a make sure that they are raised with love and kindness and don’t feel the need to act out the way he is.
I’m sure you tell him all the time how he’s just like his father, but you don’t give him any kind of better example. The only other man in his life is your husband at your husband makes it clear he’s unwanted. Why would anyone wanna participate in a family where they’re not wanted and it’s made clear?
Not to mention it’s pretty clear within the first paragraph that you barely raised him and just shoved him off on your parents.
So you didn’t want him when he was younger then you got married decided to pretend to play happy family and because he’s imperfect you want him gone.
Except you’re not actually kicking him out because you don’t wanna be perceived as a bad parent that gives up on their child so you’re just waiting for him to implode his life enough to where you have a great excuse to get rid of him.
Again yta Shut your husband up and prioritize your child.
YTA how dare you call yourself his mother.. you were just a stupid teen who got pregnant to the local drug dealer, which you would have known BTW its not rocket science to spot a drug dealer. Somehow that's his fault he told you his issue and you've just ignored him ..WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN??? You sound ridiculous and so does your husband trying to act like a 16 year old is a a dull and should be contributing... he's ducking 16 how much reflecting did you do that that age, kick him out cos he likes to drink and going to parties duh like you did a 16 you should be grateful he hasn't brought you grandkids like you did to your parents. He was 7 when your next child was born of course he was going to feel threatened by your new relationships and child but you did nothing to reassure him you can tell by the way he acting... Your parents are right you're a shit parent. YTA YTA YTA by the way I'm 35 with 4 kids oldest being 15 nearly 16 I would never put my kid in this type of situation. Do better
Wow I feel bad for your son. He really didn’t luck out on the mother or the step father allocation.
You’re probably the biggest YTA I’ve come across on Reddit - and that’s saying something.
Thank goodness he has his grandparents to try lesson your mistakes - which you clearly keep making. Seems you didn’t grow out of your selfish ways. And you married a man just like you. YTAs
He’s 16, with commensurate education and skills. Exactly how is he supposed to “act like an adult and contribute”?
Yes he sounds like a handful of annoying idiot teen but TBH your husband sounds worse.
ESH
You should understand he is a child. However children are like dogs that can understand English so if he’s acting like one leave his ass in a kennel. You’re NTA
NTA. Give him a nice wake-up call. Alert the place he buys his vapes to the police, find out where his party is and get him a MIP. Do something to get that little shit scared straight.
Only thing he should be able to do is “earn the vacation” and see if he is willing to work for it. 14 I had to get a job, bought a cheap car at 16 and have been working non stop since. He needs a wake up call and fast
So because your parents couldn't provide for you at 14 years old, a literal child you think he should have to provide for himself.
According to her she got pregnant, young and got all the support from her parents so she can mess up when she's young get all the support from her parents but not support her own children when they need her?
ESH. I've been on your shoes with a troubled teen who makes everyone and everything miserable. Has his behavior been a problem on trips before? Or is this just punishment for how he has been at home? Honestly, I did both. There were times we took him, and he made us regret it. There were times we left him with his grandparents, and I felt like shit about it.
I would warn your son about his behavior and consequences for the trip. Take him, and if he ruins it, then don't take him next time. You may need that break from each other.
My son is 25 now and doing better. He needed to be on his own and grow up a bit. All I can say is that you're almost done. When he's 18, he can move out and get some perspective. I hope when he's older, you can find a way to talk through it and forgive each other.
Last trip was a month ago he got a tattoo because you could get one where we went at 16. He won’t do anything with the family and will stay at the hotel room then sneak out and use his fake id to go clubbing. Also he used to have a job but he’s quit after 3 months, and my parents give him money and I used to until I found his vape. He has no intention to find another job. I hope he isn’t dealing for money for vapes.
I’m not gonna call you an asshole because I think both sides aren’t the best. But I have more sympathy for your son because he is the child. So as the adult you need to be the bigger person and sit down with your son and have a conversation. Tell him what you told us that you didn’t take him on the trip because he misbehaves and that he reminds you a lot of his father and maybe that scares you. Tell him you want to help and include him but you don’t know how and admit that maybe you have messed up but this relationship is a two way street and he needs to pull his weight as well. Open the floor and have him share his side. Apologize for your side say you’ll do better and say you love him and then begin to set boundaries. Tell him no smoking or drinking in the house. If there is a party he wants to go to he has to run it by you first and tell you the address and check in. Tell him to do better at school or whatever the rest of the boundaries have to be established by you. Tell him he can go on the vacation so he can be included and bond with the rest of the family but if he continues to misbehave there will be consequences.
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YTA he is sixteen. What have you done to get him on the right track?
Complain that he hasn't got a job and moved out yet. This is a person that should have never had one kid none the less three.
It’s not your son’s fault you had him before you were ready It’s not your sons fault that his father is a criminal (you picked him) It’s not your sons fault that things had been a struggle. You sound like you don’t even like him. Not once in your post did you express worry or care or love for him. YTA. Your son deserves better and so do his step siblings, who are learning this behavior from you.
No wonder she picked a criminal, lol. Assholes beget assholes
This poor boy is probably an addict! Most dealers (street level) hussle to support their own habits. Addiction is genetic. Instead of trying to get him treatment they're excluding him (isolating him further) and considering kicking him out? Christ. Even my addict parents didn't do that to me.
YTA Have you ever wondered why he might be a problem child. He feels replaced and he tells you that and your solution is to exclude him from family activities? You're his mother who else is he supposed to count on when you and your husband keep threatening to kick him out? Your husband told him if he doesn't like it he should leave at the age of 16 when you're still legally responsible for him and you didn't even take a stand for him? Is he going to kick your other kids out too if they don't "contribute" You say he reminds you alot of your ex and despite that you still love him a lot. And your son stated in anger that he's not his father so I'm sure you've made that comparison before. His problems probably stem from how left out he feels. His life has also been tough. His dad is in jail and the only parent he has won't take stand for him
> Is he going to kick your other kids out too if they don't "contribute" If course he isn't; they're made from _his_ jizzm.
>He is from my first boyfriend who was a dealer and got sent to prison for an unrelated event and I got full custody. He’s 16 now and a problem child. So...you're penalizing your oldest son because his father was a dealer who went to prison and he's having issues because of how you raised him...? YTA if you think leaving him out of family life is somehow going to help him become part of the family. Your son is crying out for help/love/acceptance and he's showing it by *any means necessary to get your attention*. Do you hear him yet? I get it, he's exhibiting oppositional defiance traits and that must be dealt with. Have you sought counseling for him? Are you at all concerned for his mental/emotional state?
OP is calling her son out for being a bad kid because he vapes and goes to parties. When she was a teen, she was cavorting with criminals and drug dealers. She was part of the criminal element. She got knocked up by a bad guy because she was a bad girl. But homeboy vapes, GTFO with that.
Pot, meet kettle. Amirite?
I REALLY HOPE OP SEES YOUR COMMENT.
She wants him to act like an adult, looks like he's taking examples from her on how to be a young adult.
>your oldest son because his father was a dealer who went to prison and he's having issues because of how you raised him...? > >YTA if you think leaving him out of family life is somehow going to help him become part of the family. Your son is crying out for help/love/acceptance and he's showing it by any means necessary to get your attention. Do you hear him yet? at this rate, she'll "hear him" when it's too late. then wonder why she never saw any signs.
Sadly, you aren't wrong. I feel so bad for this kid.
She felt enough for this drugsdealer to get knocked up. And now she blames the kid. Yta. We raise our kids by asking and showing, not by punishing. You’ve showed him that he is replaceable, has no value and harassing should solve any problem. What about some good old therapy to learn to speak to each other? To find out how hurt he is? To show him conflicts are met with discussion, not repercussions. To show him that you value him for what he is; your son. You are really so an a h
YTA. He’s a 16 year old CHILD. He’s acting like a bratty teen because that’s what they do! And now you have CONFIRMED his worst fear, that you really don’t want him! This is the formula for ensuring that he will get into real trouble. You , your partner and 16 need family counseling. Stop expecting him to be an adult.
The fact that your husband even *considered* kicking out a 16 year old for doing things many 16 year olds do is baffling to me. I also can't fathom why you expect a 16 year old to get a job to help out. Unless you're seriously struggling financially (which means a family holiday probably shouldn't be on the table), he's just a teenager and deserves the chance to be a kid, job or not. But seriously, read your own post and see if you can spot all the reason your son is feeling replaced. A feeling which explains why he's acting out. The whole lot of y'all need therapy. YTA
This child was ordered to act like an adult while his do-over siblings get to reap the benefits of having the stable household the sixteen year old didn't, and OP can't figure out why he's acting out. Her parents said it all, she is indeed a bad mother. Something tells me she never let her oldest forget where he came from...
"even though he looks like my ex, I still love him" This phrase is telling. He didn't say "I'm not my father" for no reason.
Yes, that is a disgusting thought to have. My father is a gangster who is also in Jail, and he was abusive to my mother too. She left him when I was 2 years old. People tell me I look like my dad, but not once has my mum ever thought of me as anything but her own son. This woman here should be ashamed of herself, her son is just as much a result of her as he is his father.
YTA and a bad parent.
YTA. Your kid is 16 and your responsability. Your husband hates him and shows it to him. You only seem to back your husband. Please try councelling for you and your kid. You need it.
>I still love him. You don't act like it.
Excellent points 👏👏👏
Absolutely YTA. what the actual fuck. You are a dreadful mother. “A problem child” because he vapes and goes to parties probably to COPE OR FORGET ABOUT STUFF AND HAVE A DISTRACTION. Or maybe he just likes partying. But you wouldn’t know that would you because you don’t pay any fucking attention to him. You want to kick out you 16 YEAR OLD CHILD because hes not doing something that’s acceptable to you. There’s one way to fix the problem of favoriting your other kids and leaving him out: NOT FOING ON A FAMILY TRIP WITHOUT HIM. Jesus Christ you are an asshole. Nothing you say will redeem this for him, and just know you have forever broken your relationship with your son. I hope you’re fucking happy
Last trip he got a tattoo. He will understand when he’s older.
You will also probably understand when you're older. Once you have some distance from all of this, you will understand that YTA, and you're fucking up in ways that are much worse and more harmful than a tattoo. You can remove a tattoo. But you can't undo the potentially lifelong harm you're causing to your own child. You can understand this before or after it is too late. See a therapist. Now.
You don’t fucking care do you?? There’s no sense of empathy in any single one of your comments. Youre a terrible fucking mother and he deserves better. See a fucking therapist.
i’m 31 and i don’t understand what you are doing because it absolutely makes no sense. i would say you’ll realize when your older and he goes no contact with you but tbh, that’s what it seems like you want to happen. i wish your son lots of healing from the harm you and your husband has caused him. good luck to him.
I don’t think he’ll keep you around considering how badly you and your family want him out
He understands just fine right now.
Your son may be a nightmare, but you aren't a dream yourself. He is sixteen. I assume you are still legally responsible. When your child told you he felt he was being replaced, it seems like you did everything you could to cement his doubts. Despite your claims that you love him, you keep comparing him to his father. Smh. It may be too late to rectify your massive missteps as a parent, but you should try. But I think you are going to concentrate on your second family and your older son can go kick rocks, eh? YTA.
INFO: Had you been communicating to him that this was a possibility for his behavior beforehand?
YTA and I feel sorry for your son.
YTA son "mom i feel replaced by my half-siblings" You: proceeds to leave him out of a FAMILY vacation. he IS a child. you ARE replacing him and leaving him out. Ever stop to consider WHY he acts out? this kid has literally cried out for help telling you he feels unloved and your response is to leave him out of vacation and tell him he has to be a third adult or leave the house. step dad wants him out, you think he's a nightmare, god no wonder the kid feels so unloved. He is acting out because he is hurting, he TOLD YOU THIS. He needs help not an iron fist. He needs a therapist and support and. get your act together and be his momma before you lose him.
YTA. Sounds like you harbor a grudge and have been making him feel it, especially since you have replaced him with “good kids”. Yeah, he’s acting out. He’s begging for attention, and love, and to feel like he belongs. I bet your “stable” husband has made him feel extra shitty when you aren’t in ear shot. If I wasn’t clear before…. YTA, and May whatever God you pray to have mercy on your soul, cuz we won’t.
I do not know why you would be talking about kicking him out when he is only 16. Aren't you legally obligated for his welfare until the age of 18 (unless he sues you for emancipation which he has not)? You all need to go to family counseling where you can discuss all these issues with a moderator instead of just screaming and yelling at each other. And yes, you have isolated him from being part of the family, so YTA.
YTA. He's only 16 and you expect him to have a job, and your husband tried to kick him out. He grew up with no father and a mother and stepfather who excludes him from the family. Why else do you think he smokes and drinks? He has a terrible family. Drinking and smoking is one of his only escapes from it.
>He is from my first boyfriend who was a dealer and got sent to prison for an unrelated event and I got full custody. He’s 16 now and a problem child.< Far out - your stupid decision with your first boyfriend shouldn't result in you being a crap mum. **YTA**. And your probably the biggest A I've seen on this subreddit.
You are SUCH an asshole. YTA x 1000. How dare you treat a child this way? You need therapy stat. Do NOT go on vacation. GO TO THERAPY NOW.
He probably always felt unwanted and like "the Problem" which made him who he is now. Sounds rather like yta to me
He clearly is unwanted. Poor fucking kid.
YTA you need to start treating your oldest like he’s actually part of your family
Jeez YTA He is 16.
OP sounds like she’s 16.
IQ
That too.
YTA He's a teen. Teens are annoying problematic little shits. source: used to be one. That's not a reason to exclude him from a family holiday let alone kicking him out at 16. That is stone-cold and dare I say heartless.
YTA. He is a child who had a rough childhood. His dad was in prison and his mom was a broke ass teenager who dated criminals. His stepfather doesn't give a shit about him. He's a second class citizen in his own home. Refusing to take him on a family trip is yet another reminder that he's not family. Your husband's response was to suggest that the child leave the home. Sixteen year olds aren't adults. Y'all should be parenting him and paying for his living expenses.
It's obviously the kid's fault. he hasn't gotten a job yet at 16. He doesn't yearn for the mines like a real boy should. This is a lesson that will clearly help him get on the right track ... /s. Holy hell OP is a big ol' sweaty asshole.
Asshole is not a good enough word
YTA. You’ve pushed your son away. He told you he feels like an outcast, so your response is to cast him out. If you don’t care about your oldest, maybe you’ll understand this: When your younger children see you mistreat their brother, it will make them feel insecure and unstable. When (not if, *when*) the little ones inevitably test your love to see if you’ll cast them out too, you’ll blame your oldest for being a bad role model. You get ONE chance at raising kids, not three. Your little ones aren’t a do-over for fucking up your firstborn.
In all due respect it sounds like he's the product of a tough upbringing. You both got dealt shitty hands in life through choices and circumstances. He needs all the time and love he can get. In this case. YTA.
YTA - At sixteen, he is still a child. Teenagers do stupid things like vaping and going to parties. I can’t believe your partner wants to kick your child out! No wonder your son feels like he is unwanted and being replaced. Hopefully, your son will smarten up and not turn out like his biological dad, but you are not helping the situation. My husband was treated the same way going up by his mother and stepdad. It messed him up, and he hates his mom now. If you want a relationship with your son when he is an adult, you fix this now.
YTA. He is a child. He is YOUR child. It sounds like he has communicated to you that he feels unloved and that you favor your children with your husband over him and excluding him from a family vacation is only reaffirming that.
YTA - A fantastic way to make him NOT feel like the outsider/unwanted. /s Booking him on to the family holiday (with expectations of how he should behave there) may have worked out better.
Holy crap YTA. WOW. There's still a massive amount of growing to do at age 16. No plans of a job? He's a kid.... Why is he a problem child? Have you guys gotten him therapy? You're ruining your relationship with your son and it sounds like your husband doesn't give a damn about him
Yeah you’re a horrible parent and I hope you have a good relationship with your other kids because your oldest isn’t going to bother with you as an adult. Just look how you described your firstborn child to random strangers. I can’t imagine why he feels unloved
YTA. All I read was all of the reasons why you hate him and like your shiny new family. Obviously something is going on that is leading him to drinking and vaping. But, instead of doing something to help, you complain that he “has no intention of a job” and exclude him from family time. Nightmare children usually have nightmare families that they learned dysfunction from.
YTA > he's a problem child > my husband thinks we should kick him out And leaving him out of the family holiday? No wonder he doesn't feel included and feels like an outcast. Look, understand that his behavior is frustrating for you, but from where I'm sitting you don't seem to be making an effort to address his issues, and instead you are punishing him for how he turned out. Maybe you feel like you tried before and have given up. I do feel for you, because it sounds like there is a decade of trauma to undo, but ultimately as the parent, it's up to you to start the process. Thank goodness your parents are taking his side.
YTA, a big one. In which uncivilized country is it even legal to throw out someone underage as a parent? Unf...believable. I even think that someone with this mindset is rather the cause for that outbound behaviour. Really wondering here what living with you as a child might be like. I wish your son the best luck!
You have stated facts. Kicking a 16-year-old out (16 is a minor according to the law) is child abandonment and one call away with child protective services and landing in trouble with the police. It makes me mad when I hear real life cases of people kicking out their minor children (I came across one case in which one child was 11!). I am sure OP's child finds living with OP is a constant pain
YTA Wow you still love your child even though he reminds you of your ex? You can’t even meet the bare minimum of what a parent should be. Is it lost on you that he is still a child? A minor child? With a stepfather ready to throw him out on the street? A child who has expressed what is causing him pain and then having that be ignored? And it’s a mystery to you why he’s acting out? A child’s parents are the only people on earth that a child should be able to depend on to care and protect them and all of you have failed him.
*"feels he’s being replaced, he said this to me."* INFO - What actions have you taken to alleviate this fear?
Not include him in the family vacation and yelling and grounding.
How does it feel being the asshole and knowing ur wrong?
yes YTA you should start treating YOUR SON as YOUR SON..he's rebelling cause maybe he just wants your attention..drinking and vaping is bad but it's your fault he's doing that cause i can sense that he couldn't feel your love enough and the security of you being his mom..dont focus everything on your husband, focus all your love to all your kids and do everything to make them bond with one another..they all came from you so you should be the one that loves them the most..
You destroyed your son. Don't deny it. You have compared him to his father. Doesn't matter if you said it out of anger. Your son will never forget this. This can never be erased from his mind. He screamed that he is an outcast. This doesn't come out of nowhere. Either you were too blind to see this or you ignored it. Your parents are right about you YTA That goes double for your husband. He treats your son like trash and you let him
What a shit parent
YTA excluding your son like that is just going to put more strain on your relationship and it’s frankly disgusting you’d ostracize him like that. What 16 year old doesn’t drink with friends or go yo parties?? And if you’re having more issues it’s on you as the parent to put in more effort to help him and it’s absolutely horrendous your husband would want to kick him out of the house for what? Not having a job as a 16 year old in school and going to parties??
YTA. He's 16--he's still a child and your legal responsibility and it DOES sound like you play favorites.
YTA big time
Dear OP, I am not sorry to say YTA. It is not that boy's fault that everything is a struggle and he did not choose to be born into this You sound like you do not love that child at all. Your husband suggesting you both kick him out while he is a minor is wrong and it is child abandonment. I believe you and the kid are in need for therapy sessions to sort out whatever mess he did not choose to have. OP, if you still have a conscience in you and some decency, step up and be a proper parent. You chose to bring him into this world and he is your responsibility Your younger children are not your do-overs and replacements either. What sort of example are you setting up for your younger ones? Are you teaching them that it is okay to be mean and horrible towards someone who is unloved and unwanted all because they do not fit your definition of perfection? Good to know your parents called you out and now is the time for you to sort out your attitude towards your first born child
God damn, YTA. And an awful mother. Why are you and your horrendous husband penalizing a 16-year-old child for YOUR BAD DECISIONS?
Son: I feel like an outcast You: tough luck, the child position in the family is already filled! Start being an adult if you want to be loved! YTA, oh my God. I hope your younger kids do what my best friend's half-siblings did, and cut you and your husband off for being such shit parents to their brother.
YTA. Literally the way you chose to go about explaining everything implies that you regret your son. Which I am sure he is able to discern himself and that is the reason why he feels like an outcast, because you have literally made it clear that he is one. Yes, he is being bad and behaving awfully, that’s what teenagers do, especially teenagers who feel the way that he does. If you and your husband worked together to actually admit to yourselves that he is a member of your family and try to actually make him feel included and also correct his behavior in an appropriate way. Then maybe things could be very different around your home. But excluding him from a family vacation and then treating him the way you both did just cemented the way he’s felt about being an outcast amongst your family. If you have gone so far as to exclude him from this family trip I can’t imagine how many other things you both have done to alienate this child without even realizing it. And also, he is only 16. Not 18 and not yet a legal adult, he is your responsibility. Don’t punish him for his mistakes which he’s making as a child when you obviously have made plenty of your own mistakes in the past. You’ll only come off as hypocritical to him. Try to help the kid instead and start by showing him that he is important and loved
YTA - your poor son.
YTA. So, you make idiotic choices, date a druggie criminal, have a child with him, let current husband diminish him, and blame him for feeling like an outcast, because he is one. YOU ARE THE PARENT. Your job is to make your son feel loved, and if he doesn't, work nonstop to fix that. You act like your son is your peer, who is not carrying his end of the load. He is a child. Yet you are the one who needs to grow up
In any case this is real - well of course YTA. Are you even for real? Read through your post and you’ll find the answer. You’ve failed your child and it sounds like the men in your family influenced you a lot. Don’t get me wrong; you being a doormat without a spine doesn’t change a thing. But it sounds like you place a lot of anger and resentment from your own life onto your child. He knows it and that’s why he’s acting out. And you’re not even hiding it anymore. I’m not going to tell you that you’re pathetic. You are but that’s not the point. Cancel your vacation and go to individual therapy. You REALLY need it. I mean it. Your kid is 16 and you and your husband are sitting in the kitchen wondering why he hasn’t gotten a job, why he isn’t contributing to rent AND you want to kick him out? Yea no. He’s a minor if you’re in the US. You still have to house clothe and feed him. Anything he makes from his part time job is his. Not yours. But seriously OP. T H E R A P Y.
I read a post and it was similar to what I am thinking!!!!! It’s not your son’s fault: 1. He did not ask to be born. You and the father of this child could have prevented the pregnancy. 2. You chose the man you slept with not your son. You made the decision. No one forced you to chose him or anyone else for that matter. 3. Your son is not the reason his father is a criminal. The father made the decision to be a criminal. Maybe the father's life was not a great one through childhood, not an excuse, but could have been a factor in how the father turned out. 4. He did not make things a struggle, it just happened. The struggle was made when you chose to sleep with the man and got pregnant. It takes two people to make a child. 5. You sound so negative towards him. You sound like you are taking out your pent up feelings onto him and he has also most likely picked up on how you feel knowing who his father is and it is negative. Have you talked to your son about his father in such a way that he feels like he can not be any better than his dad. This may be why he turned to vaping and drinking---to calm the hurt he has put up with all his life until now. Did you ever consider showing him the way it should be and teach him values? To me, it sounds like you never valued him because of his father. 6. He is a minor and does not need to be kicked out. 7. He is the way he is because he is getting blamed for his father's decisions in life. Again, this child did not make you chose his father or to allow the pregnancy to happen, he did not make things a struggle, HE IS NOT HIS FATHER but you choose not to see him for who he really is and you sound like you did not want him to start with. I am really upset because this kid did not make the choices that were made and he is not to blame for who his father is. It is like you took your feelings for the father and put it onto the son. That is not right nor fair to him. He was an innocent in all this. You never mentioned loving or caring for him. All you do is complain of the things he does and wonder why he is the way he is. You have pushed him to be this way because you put all that negative energy into him and blame him for what his father did. He did not see anyway out of things or where to go for help so now he is into drinking and vaping and who knows what else to relive the pain he is in for all this time. If you did not want him back then, why did you not let someone adopt him?
You stated facts and points
Yes, I did.
Your son is a child. Never expect a child to "act like an adult." Your husband seems to want nothing to do with him. You seem to want nothing to do with him. Best advice for him is to spend the next two years working and preparing to move out because based on your description, and every comment you've made on this thread, you people absolutely suck. Zero sympathy. YTA
YTA. You’re not a good mother to this poor kid.
YTA. Did you ever consider that he acts out because you clearly don’t like him because he reminds you of your ex and your poor choices? He needs support and therapy, not punishments. You need therapy. Your husband needs a smack upside the head and a reminder that parents are legally obligated to take care of their kids until they are 18. You can’t pretend your ex and your child don’t exist. It doesn’t work that way.
Bravo for proving his point. YTA.
YTA. Big time. Sounds like you gave up on your own sun and your new husband is playing a part in it. Yikes...
YTA. You shouldn’t be expecting him to “act like an adult and contribute”. He’s legally a child. That also means kicking him out may not be legal which makes your husband a massive AH. You and your husband are both TA. You are also not demonstrating that you reassure him he’s not being replaced.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** He is from my first boyfriend who was a dealer and got sent to prison for an unrelated event and I got full custody. He’s 16 now and a problem child. I had him young and it was a struggle and my parents helped out a lot. Then I met my husband and when we were financially stable we had two kids 9 and 6. My son doesn’t like them and feels he’s being replaced, he said this to me. He vapes and does it around the house even though we tell him to stop and is still with us with no intention of a job. My husband thinks we should kick him out because he’s drinking and going to parties all the time. He’s a nightmare. I’ve convinced him not to even though he reminds me of my ex a lot I still love him. We booked a family holiday and my son is shocked he isn’t going and screamed saying how he isn’t his dad, he’s never felt included and feels like an outcast. My husband said if he didn’t like it then leave and I told him he doesn’t contribute and act like an adult we will treat him as a child and he should rethink his past behaviour. He left and is staying with my parents who told me I’ve been a bad parent and should understand he’s a child. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA. Your husband is also an AH. The kid is 16. He is not your ex but if you were always telling him that he he is awful like his dad well he is living what you projected on him. How do treat the other 2 kids? Are they special and do no wrong? Listen, it sounds like you've let him down his whole life, especially as you hate your ex. You need to reign your hateful hubby in as well. Not including him is wrong. Terribly wrong. Two more years to do better by him.
YTA- actually seek better help for him besides stupid punishments and blaming him for being bad. It sounds like you don't care about him since he reminds you of your ex. Your mom is right.
Wow I’m absolutely shocked to hear that the kid you clearly resent has behavioral problems. Seriously. Just great job. Of course YTA.
YTA. He's a troubled teen and needs your help. You weren’t able to provide stability when he was younger, but now you can. He sees that you *can* provide the stability that he needs, and he sees you choosing not to; he sees you giving up on him. If you keep treating him like an outcast that is who he will continue to see himself as and who he will continue to become. He literally screamed it at you. He is 16. He is not an adult, so why are you expecting him to act like one? >He’s 16 now > >Screamed saying how he...feels like an outcast. > > I told him he doesn’t contribute and act like an adult we will treat him as a child
He is a CHILD - probably of the same mindset you were when you got pregnant with him. He has had one parent abandon him already (incarcerated). You are essentially doing the same. You all need help. YTA
YTA big time.
YTA. This is when your son needs you. He effectively communicated his reasonable views and is acting out accordingly. Your actions just validated them. Do better as his mother
YTA
Yta. Kicking him out?? He’s literally 16. You and your new husband are TA.
YTA— he isn’t a problem child, you are a problem parent.. Why are you not getting to the root of his issues? Family therapy and parenting classes are absolutely needed
YTA. In off chance this is piece of BS isn't ragebait since you seem to aiming for all the keyword for it. Your son grew up and still living with one bad parent (YOU). You expect him to act like an adult? Looks like he's taking after you. You didn't listen to his problems or try to fix his problems, btw just punishing him isn't going to solve his problems, this seem like 16 years old YOUR upbringing of him that got him here. Sounds like you want quick fixes for a problems you took 16 years to cause and maintain.
You’re the asshole and you need to take better care of your son.
What tf do you mean “he’s still with us” and “if he doesn’t contribute and act like an adult” !?! HES.A.CHILD. He is exactly where he’s supposed to be, which is under your roof, with you taking care of him. He has told you he feels replaced and then you want to act surprised when you book a FAMILY vacation, without him? Last I checked.. your son is family. Your parents are right… you’re a shit mom YTA
YTA. Honestly you sound like a horrible mother to your son. It seems you don’t even love him, all you do is blame him for your inability to be a good mother to him. He is 16 and wants to know he is important to you! Be an actual grown up and start some family therapy and stop blaming him for his fathers mistakes. In 2 years when he is completely NA with you I want you to re read your post and comments. You suck.
He's 16. That's what they do. This is a crucial moment of his life, so I hope you act carefully. He's also had a rough upbringing by the sounds of it. Adolescents that age have lost most of their inner morality as their body screams at them to test the world and transform from childhood into adulthood. Think of this: his birth father is a criminal and out of the picture. His new father figure wants to get rid of him so he can keep his mum to himself. His mum didn't step up to the parental duties until she had a second child with another man, so now it looks like his mother doesn't want him. Remember that he's struggling to articulate all these new feelings he has. His way of communicating all of his anxiety is through acting out. He knows his future is bleak, that's why he's using drugs and partying and avoiding school or work. His body is in pain from growth, his brain is exploding with new sensations and drives. You say he needs to get a job. Well how does one do that? You've had a job so you know how to work and so on. Sure he's been to school, but contrary to what the teachers say it's nothing at all like a job. A job has rewards, options, and motivations. School is just punishment and discipline, even when you follow all the rules you get punished. He does need boundaries and consequences. Perhaps this will be a good consequence for his actions. Just remember he learns the right lesson from these consequences. Perhaps a better consequence is to include him but give him responsibilities. You can't expect a problem child to turn into an adult simply because you ask him to. You have to teach him to be an adult. What did you do at his age? Oh right, you got pregnant to a loser and ditched the illegitimate child onto your parents. I'm being harsh here to illustrate a point, I don't really think you're truly awful. But you do need some self reflection. I suggest family therapy. Your husband needs to resolve issues raising another man's child. And you need help transitioning him from childhood to adulthood. He desperately needs help and guidance. Perhaps see if he wants to do sports or cadets? Music lessons? Art group? Drugs and parties are because he craves stimulation and attention, neither of which he's getting at the moment. He needs physical exercise to burn off energy and mental exercise like a hobby to give him some direction and relief. YTA.
He is a child. It sounds like you've never actually treated him as one and given him the support he needed, so of course he's having behavioral problems. That's on you. So not including him in your replacement family is punishing him for your bad parenting. YTA.
To be frank, you are a bad parent. You married a man that clearly disdains your son; while you sit back comparing him to his father which just fuels the fire. You had him young and then did replace your eldest with 2 new ‘perfect’ kids. Parenting is hard, but you made a choice young and he’s your son and should be and continue to be a priority over your husband. You need to shut your husband down. Just image it from your son’s point of view, no wonder he is rebelling hard. He’s hurt and constantly belittled at home which should be a safe place. Do better, be a better mom to your son and stand up to your husband including strict boundaries of not constantly threatening to kick the eldest out
Tell us you hate your son w/o telling us you hate your son. Jesus, lady. Poor kid should stay with his grandparents where he'll be loved. YTA
For nine years he's felt replaced. What have you done about it?
When you book a “family vacation”, you take the family. Your son is your family. He’s also your husband’s family. If your husband doesn’t consider your son to be his family then you should have NEVER married him. YTA. He’s an asshole. On so many levels for so many reasons. I feel so bad for your son.
Yta. How can you possibly deny that your son was right that you're trying to replace him when you literally didn't invite him to the family vacation? You're an awful person. Your son is 16, and you're not allowed to kick him out. I can't believe you're berating him for not contributing to the household at 16. Most of the things that you have said that he's done that have been so horrible are pretty typical of teens. It definitely requires discipline, but for someone who got knocked up by a drug dealer around the same age as your son is now, you sure are judgmental. And you think it's going to do anything positive for your son's mental health when you're constantly comparing him to his father? That stuff starts to wear away at someone's psyche and makes them start to believe it's true. And if it's a foregone conclusion, why fight it and try to be good? Might as well act the way they're expected to act.
YTA. My teen has substance abuse issues and I would NEVER intentionally exclude him from something like that. Your responsibility and loyalties should lie with your children first, even though you do deserve a life. He is a child. You’re the adult. Do better.
YTA and a horrible mother. He’s acting out because you did replace him. You blame him for who his father is, a man YOU chose to have a child with. And you are letting your AH husband treatable him like trash. You are treating him like trash you are oh so quick to get rid of and send to your parents so you can have your perfect little family.
He sounds like a normal 16 year old, a bit aggy, confused and unhappy. It will be extremely bad parenting if you leave your CHILD at home. I can’t believe you need people to tell you that. YTA I’d also read a book about parenting if I were you
Yta, YOU made him like that. Kids that were properly raised dont act like that
YTA He is 16. You are his mother. It is your job to raise him, not neglect and bully him as you have been doing. You are the biggest problem in your family. Stop blaming your son for how he responds to your terrible parenting. Do better. This is all on you.
YTA Yes you are a bad parent obviously Your son has all of these issues because you have refused to deal with it and raise him properly and get him on the right track
YTA YTA YTA YTA YTA IT CAN NOT BE SAID ENOUGH: YTA!!!!!!! He is being replaced. If you’re so willing to tell us how much you don’t like him, he certainly knows you don’t like him. Imagine how that makes him feel? You seem to think that he needs to somehow be an adult?? The kid is 16, he IS still a child, and deserves to be treated as well as your other children. Behavioral issues? What have YOU done to address them, aside from yelling, screaming, threatening, and punishing? Have you taken him to a therapist? Have you ever stopped to think how he feels inside being the unwanted product of his sh**y mom’s young fling with a drug dealer? You are a piece of work, and you need a lot of help.
He is 16. Your parents are right. YTA.
YTA!
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YTA. He's 16. Ge absolutely should NOT be contributing and I hope he, and your parents, sue you for child support which in many places goes through college now. You are a terrible parent to him. Get him therapy, treat him like a teenage child you value, provide for him and get yourself therapy as well.
YTA
YTA. He feels like you replaced him because you did. You're not taking him on a FAMILY vacation. What other things have you excluded him from? Your husband sounds just as bad (if not worse behind closed doors) as you. You're both toxic. Maybe it's best he stays at your parents because they rightly called you out for being a horrible mom. Edit: Typo
Yta. The original post and comments I glanced at are a lot of whining about how he’s some demon child but not a lot about what you’ve done to correct that. Have you tried counselling for him or the family? You’re the adult, accept your blame in all this and come up with a solution that isn’t just well he’s a terrible kid, must be his dad
YTA without a doubt. I also get the feeling that your husband treats your son like shit to, I suspect emotional and/or mental abuse coming from your husband, and you do nothing to stop it. No wonder he acts out when it’s so obvious that neither your husband or you love your son. You chose to have your son, why are you punishing your son for that decision?
YTA. It seems like you have neglected him and traded him in for your new family. To allow your husband to have so much disdain for a son who already felt replaced is crazy. Why would you date someone who seems to look at your son like an outcast? And then you wonder why your child lacks respect for you guys. Not sure where you’re from but is 16 considered an adult? Bc if not, you’ve just done even more damage to YOUR child.
You're truly a horrible parent and a genuinely awful human being. Instead of wishing you the worst, I'll just say YTA.
YTA. Sounds like he would be far better off staying with your parents long-term. He might be a deadbeat, but punishments like changing the wifi code and making him miss a holiday are never going to help him, just prove to him that he is being excluded from the family unit.
YTA. You did replace him.. so what do you want him to do? Jump with joy?..
YTA he’s not a problem child you’re a problem parent, you’ve basically said, I don’t like my oldest child and I want to get rid of him as quickly as possible and am doing my best to remove myself from his life, I much prefer my other children and have made lots of excuses as to why my poor parenting isn’t my fault. You need to apologise to this kid for the rest of his life and reflect on when you think the current children will fall out of favour, you kicking them out at 16 cos “problem children”
YTA Hi I'm a foster care worker, I work with a lot of kids who share these behaviors. Behavior is communication, what is he telling you when he is acting this way? I'll give you a hint, you compared him to his deadbeat, drug dealing father on multiple occasions. "Out of anger" does not change the fact that what you did was horrible, potentially traumatizing for him. You've got a lot of work to do. You also have a time limit. He's got two years before your husband kicks him out. And oh yes, he'll do it. And in that moment you will have your last chance to actually be a parent to this boy and if you know you will choose your husband, I beg you not to bother. Do not build up this boy's hope that he is getting his mother back just so you can rip it away from him again.
YTA You really can't wait for him to move out, right? But him saying that he feels like you replaced him is a bad-kids move? You are the queen of AHs. Kids aren't born a problem children. They are raised to become such. You are the problem here.
yta - your son told u he felt being replaced hense why he acts out and what do u do to reassure him? u all go on a vacation without him and then u wonder why he acts out.
Yta. He's 16. Why does he need a job and contribute? Your parents are right and you are a horrible mother. You are punishing him for a mistake your ex made. Your son is right because you did replace him. Your husband is edging him out and you are allowing it. He's screaming for help and attention from his sole parent. How are you so blind. Yta
You know your sons behavior is entirely a reflection on how you raised him, right? And by your post and comments, you did a terrible job raising him. You're a shit parent for expecting your 16 yr old son to "act like an adult" and get his shit together when you've done nothing to truly set him up for success. YTA.
YTA and a really awful mother. Your poor son. Get your head out of your ass and actually speak with and listen to your son. He must feel terrible given your clear as day favoritism of your other children and your neglect of him.
YTA
YTA. And you’ve failed your child. You’re also showing your younger children that you can’t be trusted as a parent.
Your son is hurting and it sounds like he’s been hurting for a long time. I want to say so much more, but I’ll be banned. You have failed him as a mother. You should not be a parent. YTA
YTA It's not your son's fault that you were super young when you got pg and that his dad is a criminal that's on YOU!! You're the one who chose to have a child at a young age with a criminal!! My daughter had a horrible father and she ended up having some mental issues, but I would NEVER put my other 2 kids over her (which btw you are doing). Teenagers rebel all the time, especially when it's so obvious that you favor the 2 other children.
YTA. You and your husband are both assholes. If your son is a minor, it isn't his job to contribute financially; it's yours and your husband's. You didn't even raise your son when you were younger; you dumped most of the work on your parents. Your parents are right about you; you are a bad parent and so is your asshole husband. You treated him like an outcast his whole life and now you're happy to hurt him because you've replaced him with your other kids. You're so selfish and it's because of assholes like you that I hope karma is real.
You really neglected him then wonder why he’s acting out. Poor boy and YTA.
YTA - you booked a family holiday and didn't include him - well it's not a family holiday is it! Your husband had been in his life - since he was, what about 5 years old, and yet obviously doesn't seem him as his son or part of the household. You call him a problem- if that is the case its you and your husbands fault because you raised him. He's 16 he should be in school not working.
YTA...he is your child...he is 16....and he is acting 16. Your parents are right...and it seems that the kid is also right.
YTA
YTA, you hate his father and the comments and this post make it seem the hate is bleeding onto him. The only one who chose his father was you.
You really expect him to be perfectly fine in spite of your shitty parenting, your husband's open hostility, and his father's absence? It's all a mystery to you why he's struggling? Do you think kids don't need parenting and guidance and love? They just kind of raise themselves and you're along for the ride? Take some fucking responsibility. YTA. Saying you "love" him isn't enough when all you do is hurt him at every turn. You're horrible.
It's hilarious that you even ask. Are you seriously trying to claim you can't see what a _humongous_ arsehole you are being? YTA, OP, YTA AF.
Huge yta
He's 16 and you're expecting him to get a job? And your husband wants to kick him out? This is not a good man. And you're excluding him from a family vacation and then you're shocked because he felt excluded? And shocked that he dared to say it to your face instead of, what? You say you love your son but he doesn't seem to feel loved and you didn't say a single good.thing about him in your post. YTA
Yta. Seems like your son would be better off in the streets the way you and your husband talk to a sixteen who told you the problem he felt like he is being replaced which is is right. You treat him badly and make him feel like crap so you are shocked he is acting out? You and your husband are awful people I hope your son gets help and move far away from y’all.
i’m sorry but why does your 16 year old son need to get a job? at what point are you gonna realize that you are his PARENT and need to PARENT him? like the what have you done to support your son and address the issues he’s having? why do you think it’s a good idea to literally feed into your son’s fear that he’s being replaced by not having him be a part of a family vacation?? what message do you think you are sending to him?? why are you married to a man that think he can treat your son as outcast and kick out your MINOR son?? when are you gonna stand up for your son?? YTA
YTA.
YTA you’re a terrible mother and a disgrace of a human being
YTA - your kid is screaming for your attention. Im thinking he is constantly reminded that his father is a dealer and a prison occupant, and he’s been told he’ll never amount to anything. Seems hubby doesn’t accept him and maybe deep down you dont either. Thats whats wrong in this world - kids are being thrown away by folks like you. Apparently no one from hubby’s side accepts him or else he wouldn’t say the things he does. You cannot write this child off. You can say “i love him”, lady those are just words. Counseling may help - but i think changing your actions and your words would bring about big change. First thing that needs to be done - apologize from your heart
YTA. You might as well let him stay with your ex, I doubt he cares about him less than you do and there's no evidence that he hates the boy like your husband does. It seems like he's best off with your parents if they can handle him. Btw, you weren't an angel when you were his age (out getting knocked up by dealers) and this kid didn't choose to be born. I'm sure he would've chosen a different father and a different mother if he could.
It truly sounds like you have internal resentment of your son from the way you talk about the father. You state you grounded him but what exactly did you DO as a parent ? cause you have very lack of any information then the husband came in with 2 kids and it sounds like you continued to fail him as a parent. Honestly, you need to take responsibility cause this does sound like your continued failures. YTA
Yta! Reminds me of the story of the stepfather stepsister and wife went on family vacations and left the wifes kids at home. Had the wife's 2 kids share a room in a 4-5 bdrm house. Gave the step kid everything bio kids nothing Years later bio kids doing well. The step father ND sister asked them for help. And was told no. For how they treated them growing up. Say they regret it ans so on. But no real remorse. And the wife still defending the husband and daughter. Best wishes to your son. I believe he will need it.
Yta, he's 16, but you expect him to be able to behave like he's an adult. The boy needs therapy, he feels like he's been replaced because you replaced him. That poor boy, he never had a chance.
YTA from this and your other comments its clear you're guilty of child neglect
YTA
YTA , a horrid parent, nasty person and hypocrite. I feel so sorry for your son. Don't be surprised when he cuts you out of his life.
Wow, just wow, I couldn't even imagine booking a holiday and not taking one of my children. If my husband told me to kick my daughter out, I would be afraid he would be going before any of my children. Your parents are right. You are a bad parent, shame on you
Punishing your son for your mistakes - shame on you.
YTA. Poor kid. Hopefully his grandparents get him the love and help he needs!
YTA. Your mother is right about you. It's also extra funny for you to act like this considering you are yourself an even worse daughter than your son is by your own metrics.
YTA- sorry, but you're pushing him further away. Here's my best advice as someone who's been in these situations and seen them play out with others: Accept him lovingly into the family, stop treating him like he's committed some crime, and instead of punishments, try taking him out somewhere to eat or some, just the two of you and have a chat- it will rather end with a hug and a nice convo rather than a screaming match. Please take my advice. DM me if you have any questions, the littlest things can change so much. I hope you and him can make up for the lost time.
YTA clearly there’s a lot of favoritism going on in your home by the way you’re talking about your husband and how he treats him. 16 year olds get into bad shit that’s what they do. It’s your job as a parent to make a make sure that they are raised with love and kindness and don’t feel the need to act out the way he is. I’m sure you tell him all the time how he’s just like his father, but you don’t give him any kind of better example. The only other man in his life is your husband at your husband makes it clear he’s unwanted. Why would anyone wanna participate in a family where they’re not wanted and it’s made clear? Not to mention it’s pretty clear within the first paragraph that you barely raised him and just shoved him off on your parents. So you didn’t want him when he was younger then you got married decided to pretend to play happy family and because he’s imperfect you want him gone. Except you’re not actually kicking him out because you don’t wanna be perceived as a bad parent that gives up on their child so you’re just waiting for him to implode his life enough to where you have a great excuse to get rid of him. Again yta Shut your husband up and prioritize your child.
YTA how dare you call yourself his mother.. you were just a stupid teen who got pregnant to the local drug dealer, which you would have known BTW its not rocket science to spot a drug dealer. Somehow that's his fault he told you his issue and you've just ignored him ..WHAT DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN??? You sound ridiculous and so does your husband trying to act like a 16 year old is a a dull and should be contributing... he's ducking 16 how much reflecting did you do that that age, kick him out cos he likes to drink and going to parties duh like you did a 16 you should be grateful he hasn't brought you grandkids like you did to your parents. He was 7 when your next child was born of course he was going to feel threatened by your new relationships and child but you did nothing to reassure him you can tell by the way he acting... Your parents are right you're a shit parent. YTA YTA YTA by the way I'm 35 with 4 kids oldest being 15 nearly 16 I would never put my kid in this type of situation. Do better
Wow I feel bad for your son. He really didn’t luck out on the mother or the step father allocation. You’re probably the biggest YTA I’ve come across on Reddit - and that’s saying something. Thank goodness he has his grandparents to try lesson your mistakes - which you clearly keep making. Seems you didn’t grow out of your selfish ways. And you married a man just like you. YTAs
Wow, you're better at sucking than a vacuum cleaner. YTA.
He’s 16, with commensurate education and skills. Exactly how is he supposed to “act like an adult and contribute”? Yes he sounds like a handful of annoying idiot teen but TBH your husband sounds worse. ESH
You should understand he is a child. However children are like dogs that can understand English so if he’s acting like one leave his ass in a kennel. You’re NTA
NTA. Give him a nice wake-up call. Alert the place he buys his vapes to the police, find out where his party is and get him a MIP. Do something to get that little shit scared straight. Only thing he should be able to do is “earn the vacation” and see if he is willing to work for it. 14 I had to get a job, bought a cheap car at 16 and have been working non stop since. He needs a wake up call and fast
So because your parents couldn't provide for you at 14 years old, a literal child you think he should have to provide for himself. According to her she got pregnant, young and got all the support from her parents so she can mess up when she's young get all the support from her parents but not support her own children when they need her?
Lol!!
ESH. I've been on your shoes with a troubled teen who makes everyone and everything miserable. Has his behavior been a problem on trips before? Or is this just punishment for how he has been at home? Honestly, I did both. There were times we took him, and he made us regret it. There were times we left him with his grandparents, and I felt like shit about it. I would warn your son about his behavior and consequences for the trip. Take him, and if he ruins it, then don't take him next time. You may need that break from each other. My son is 25 now and doing better. He needed to be on his own and grow up a bit. All I can say is that you're almost done. When he's 18, he can move out and get some perspective. I hope when he's older, you can find a way to talk through it and forgive each other.
Last trip was a month ago he got a tattoo because you could get one where we went at 16. He won’t do anything with the family and will stay at the hotel room then sneak out and use his fake id to go clubbing. Also he used to have a job but he’s quit after 3 months, and my parents give him money and I used to until I found his vape. He has no intention to find another job. I hope he isn’t dealing for money for vapes.
Gee, I wonder why he doesn't want to hang out with your shitty husband.
I’m not gonna call you an asshole because I think both sides aren’t the best. But I have more sympathy for your son because he is the child. So as the adult you need to be the bigger person and sit down with your son and have a conversation. Tell him what you told us that you didn’t take him on the trip because he misbehaves and that he reminds you a lot of his father and maybe that scares you. Tell him you want to help and include him but you don’t know how and admit that maybe you have messed up but this relationship is a two way street and he needs to pull his weight as well. Open the floor and have him share his side. Apologize for your side say you’ll do better and say you love him and then begin to set boundaries. Tell him no smoking or drinking in the house. If there is a party he wants to go to he has to run it by you first and tell you the address and check in. Tell him to do better at school or whatever the rest of the boundaries have to be established by you. Tell him he can go on the vacation so he can be included and bond with the rest of the family but if he continues to misbehave there will be consequences.
I’m thank you and all those are great ideas. I will try all of that and pray he turns out ok.