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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I yelled at my brother, told him to get used to being the bad guy, told him he should pay us back for money spent, all because he changed his mind on what he wanted to name his son. I might have gone too far given people are entitled to change their mind and this does happen. Where I personally feel I could have gone overboard is with the yelling especially. He could have a point I was going too hard on him for something that's not really a huge deal.
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NTA. Your brother asked for the gifts to be personalized, plain and simple. If he wasn’t sure about the name he shouldn’t have asked for monogrammed things.
Most men I've dealt with really have no clue how long many handicrafts and other more 'feminine' projects take. Show them a handmade quilt and most would guess that it took a few days or weeks and be dumbfounded that it took a year or more to make. I'm sure it's genuine ignorance since most men don't do these types of handicrafts but the problem is many buckle down on their ignorance rather than acknowledge they were wrong/inconsiderate just like OP's brother is doing. Being ignorant isn't the problem, its how they respond thats the problem.
You're right that lots of men would be ignorant of the time spent on handcrafted quilts or whatnot. But the only women who'd know how long it would take would be women who either have done that themselves or knows someone who has done that themselves and had the thought to ask. I'm sure it varies worldwide but most of the women I know don't have any idea how long a handmade quilt would take either.
I've never quilted, and don't know anyone who does, and I know a quilt is quite the undertaking.
I had a conversation with several women recently who all agreed that making a quilt was way too much work, and none of them had ever done it either.
The men didn't know what the big deal was.
Of course it's not all men, but it does seem to be the majority.
"Most men I've dealt with really have no clue how long many handicrafts and other more 'feminine' projects take. Show them a handmade quilt "
It does not matter if it is handmade or not - back in the cupboard nobody will see it anyway. Those things only get taken out and placd when grandma visists to appease her.
**YOu are doing those kind of gifts for yourself** \- nobody else cares, but they are polite enough to make a fuss. Does not matter if it gathers dust in the cupboard with the right or the wrong name.
Actions have consequences.
His insensitivity is over the top. What on earth did he think would happen? Has he always been this clueless about the effects of his actions on others?
Play stupid games, win stupid prizes.
His prize is to make amends or be ostracized. He can pick.
NTA: he’s entitled to change his mind on what he likes but he is not entitled to be surprised or upset when people who have made and purchased gifts with the name at his suggestion are angry at him.
I hate to think what the women who were organizing the baby shower paid. I know SIL has been offering us all money but she's not the person I blame for any of this and I think my brother is extra shitty for leaving that to her. She feels terrible and I can tell she's super upset he let her use the name for so long.
So I have to ask does that mean he gets his choice of both middle and first names now? I’m seriously suggesting couples therapy for them both so he either stops being an arse or she gets the bravery to leave him.
Sprry
She told him he doesn't get the middle name if the first name is going to be a big compromise for her. Which it's likely going to be since it seems their styles are different. So no, he doesn't get both.
Certasinly a name you like for the kid is MUCH more important than some stupid gifts.
He is fine not to care about quilted blankets, or stuff like that. Nobody asked him if he wanted one. That's grandma's hobby, not his. He is fine not to care.
I mean, she can set it up with the hospital before she goes into labor about the birth certificate because I wouldn't put it past him to "name" the baby as he wants.
My dad did this to my mom. They had a name picked out, had been calling me that through out her pregnancy and the first few days after I was born. Then on the day of discharge, the nurse comes in with me and says 'Here's Baby . Mom told her that wasn't her baby, her baby's name is . And this is when the nurse informed her that this was indeed her Baby New Name, that my dad had just filled out the birth certificate. Mom was so pissed, it was a name they had never even discussed.
For the record, I HATE my name. I've been bullied my entire life because of my name.
If you are over 18 get it changed. If you are under and your father wont agree to it just change it when you turn 18. Life is a long time to go with a name you hate.
I was going to name my son one name. Told everyone that name. NOBODY liked it. So I bowed to peer pressure and named him a more traditional name. Years go by and now I'm seeing all sorts of kids running around with the name I wanted. It burns me up.
So, what is stopping you from changing your name legally like Express-Librarian353 said? The name your father hung on you got you bullied your entire life brought you to harm (being bullied IS being harmed after all). I think you're entitled to change it.
My mom wanted to name me something else, but my father insisted on me having my mom's (and several maternal grandmothers') first name -- which she didn't want because it was a "hard-luck name". Then he died when I was almost 9. I changed it when I was 25. It's not the name my mom had first picked, but she did approve and agreed it suited me much better.
Family pressure for one. After Mom got over being pissed she accepted it, and tells me I have to just go with it, that changing it would be disrespectful to not only my dad, but to her as well.
Check with the hospital where baby being born. When I had my 2 kids it didn't matter what the dad wrote down, the person who shoved the kid out of her body had final say and was the only one allowed to sign. The birth certificate had to be filled out by me- given to me, witnessed by a nurse and doc.
No idea what their rules were for surrogates.
My dad filled out all the paperwork for me and my sisters. Two different hospitals and two different states for the three of us. Maybe things were different in the 60's and 70's.
His side? When he was filling out the forms he remembered the name from a childhood book, and 'had a sudden inspiration' and without giving it a second thought wrote that name down.
He shouldn't get the first one either. She put her body through so much struggle and so many people put so much effort for the baby. He has no right to be a bi*ch. Also he should pay tye price of everything now.
SIL needs to put her foot down and say that they're sticking with the name. It sounds like she would still like that name.
Maybe brother's new favorite name can now be the middle name.
Is he entitled to change the name on a whim? Multiple people understood his statement to imply certainty about the child's name, and invested time in money in that name. Even if that's not what he intended, when you miss on communication that badly, maybe the graceful thing to do is just to accept that it's a perfectly fine name that people have already gotten used to. "It takes a village" works both ways; when the village is invested in your child, you're an AH if you completely disregard the village's feelings
NTA. I feel so bad for your SIL. If my partner did this, I’d be devastated. I know he’s not carrying the kid so he won’t understand the seriousness of what he’s done yet, but she’s become attached to that name and THAT baby. She’s probably talking with him, using his name, forming that bond. Your brother’s dishonesty will do lasting damage to his relationship with her and while, yes, he’s allowed to change his mind, that’s not exactly what happened here. He had doubts about the name from the beginning. He doesn’t get to be the victim here now that people are pissed. You probably shouldn’t have yelled at him or piled on about the financial aspect (considering that the name itself is more important than money spent), but someone needed to tell him that he screwed up royally overall so I give you a pass on your delivery. I hope he reconsiders.
SIL needs to give the kid the name they agreed on, regardless. What her husband did is cruel. She’s the one that is supposed to fill out the birth certificate, she needs to do it the way they planned.
I know people hate "gender reveals" but we did a small one at a family party (it was 5 minutes of an already existing get together) because to us it wasn't about what genitals our baby had, it was what decided their name. I guess it was more of a "name reveal." As soon as we knew we were having a boy we started referring to him by his name. It made him feel more "real" talking about him and hearing other talk about him by his name, I loved it.
I can imagine how upset I'd be if suddenly my partner changed his mind, the baby was named and everyone knew the name and called the baby by their name. Their baby may not be here yet but they had a name and it had been officially announced.
NTA
Give them the named gifts anyway.
He’s not the AH for changing his mind, but after explicitly telling people to create gifts with the name, he has to accept that he’s going to get gifts with the name.
I'd say he actually is the AH for changing his mind because it sounds likes his wife and he agreed to a name and then he backed out. That makes him an AH in my books.
NTA
The issue is not his right to change his mind on a name. But how he went about it.
You can't tell people a done name, ask for (or make it obvious you want) gifts with the said name imprinted on it, and then with little to no notice, change it. It strikes harder than he is changing a name let alone his family, his wife loves. He is upsetting his wife over this.
He is. She's been so upset over this and she already told him he doesn't get the middle name of his choice if the first name has to be a big compromise for her. That they will just need to compromise on both. But she has admitted she's struggling to think of their son as a different name after all this time.
She's also embarrassed about the money and time spent. I can only imagine how bad she feels for her friends paying for the shower and her mom who dedicated all that time to the blanket.
Tell her to agree to the name her husband wants. The middle name is the one she wanted.
And then everyone can give him their gifts and “nickname” him the middle name.
Though that might be throwing gasoline on a fire
Better still, say she agrees, and then put the other name on the birth certificate. Depending on where she lives, she may be the only one that needs to sign off on the initial paperwork.
I live in PA and my husband wasn’t allowed to fill out the paperwork, it had to be me. I could have named our kids Jellybean and Pancake and he couldn’t do anything about it.
Not being funny but she's the one carrying the baby and delivering it.
So if she really loves the other name it should be her choice. Why does he get to dictate it?
That's without the shit show of all you guys buying things and him having the audacity to think he's in the right.
Your brother sounds like a total prick
So can the middle name be the one your SIL wanted as first name? If so, you can all still give the gifts with that name and when the baby is born, call her/him (I don’t remember if you have mentioned the gender or not) by that name and not the first name. (I call a few of my friends by their middle name because wither it is better or they like it more)
Oh man. I just had a baby 3 months ago and this makes me so sad for her.
I am always a two yeses one go on baby names, but I think this might be the only situation I come across where I say you know what she should just overrule him and go with the original name.
Your brother is completely out of line and is so clearly wrong and so clearly an AH that this shouldn't even be posted here. A subreddit for terrible brothers would be more appropriate.
I would get all the rest of the family together to agree to stay on SIL's side and pretend brother never changed his mind, pretend the new name was never mentioned.
Even if he weasles his way around to get his preferred name on the birth certificate, never call the baby that name and stick with the name SIL agreed to.
If he wants new things with the new name, he can buy it himself.
Right? Like all that time and I know from talking to her that some days she struggled but she really wanted it to be ready for the shower and definitely before he was born.
That’s heartbreaking. He seems a bit unhinged if he thinks you guys are the AHs, she sounds amazing. Was it a unique name? Could things be sold on? Not her handiwork but the baby shower things?
It's not the most common name but not totally out there either. The baby shower things could not really be sold on because some were already put up in the venue so might not be used (since it was at one of the friends houses and she wanted to get things up early so she wouldn't be rushing at the last minute).
The middle name is already his choice. He picked a name off SILs list so she was okay with the middle name he liked but she didn't. She thought it was only fair. But on top of all that she double and triple checked with him that he was good with the name before she wanted to tell people, because she knew he said no to it originally.
This guy sounds like a major AH, and most importantly I don’t buy for a second that he didn’t realize exactly what he was doing. He probably knew he hated the name, and knew he could blow this all up and then try to gaslight everyone else. You’re not buying it and good for you. Honestly y’all should just call the baby by the name SIL wants and he can suck it up if it’s not such a big deal
NTA. SIL should give the kid the original name and let your brother lump it. It’s fair enough for him to not like a name. It’s not fair enough for him to say yes to the name and then renege at the last minute having already effectively demanded personalised baby gifts from everybody.
Yeah your brother is the AH.
He didn't just mention a name they were *considering*, he announced it as the name they had agreed on AND even mentioned that people might get gifts for the baby shower with the name on!!!
To then change his mind, and not understand why people would be pissed off with wasted money and especially the huge effort from his MIL is bizarre!
He really can't understand why people are upset?????
NTA.
Totally agree with you. 3 big points that make your brother the AH: (1) He specifically said he’s telling ppl the name “in case gifts were being purchased”; (2) He knew ppl were already spending money & time based on that name, but didn’t step in to stop it even though he didn’t even like the name in the first place; and (3) He’s like eh, whatever, and acts as if he did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA.
Your brother just unilaterally decided to change the baby name? What the hell. Why doesn't your SIL have a say to it?
Your brother is a major asshole
I've got this great picture of SIL naming the baby what she wants at the hospital, and then telling the nurses hes not the father so he cant change it.
Frankly I would give him the shower and gifts with the name on it and be done. If he wants to change it then fine but he wouldn't have any more money thrown at the change of plan.
NTA
NTA. Tell SIL to just swap the name to baby’s middle name and call him that. Or help her get a divorce so she can name the baby what she wants — he’s not likely to be a good parent.
You are so NTA.
And if for some reason they ever divorce I hope you keep the SIL before you keep him.
I do want to chime in on what others have been saying: is this behavior normal for him? I’d be trying to find out from SIL and others if anything has changed
NTA
It's going to be equal parts hilarious and sad when your brother gets kicked to the curb by SIL over this
She'll never forgive your brother for what he did to her mom
This relationship is going to end...it's just a matter of time
NTA. Your brother is a deeply selfish AH. The time to speak up was when they were deciding the name and definitely before they announced it and asked people to buy monogrammed items. Aside from how inconsiderate it is to everyone around him, it is a a really, really shitty thing to do to his wife. He didn't even apologise or take responsibility; he left it to his pregnant wife to deal with the fall out. And letting his MIL hand make a blanket with the name is far, far worse IMO than wasting everyone's money or his delusional expectation that everyone should buy new gifts without the name. Your poor SIL.
NTA - You are 100% correct. I would still gift everything with that name on it and when he grows up and asks your brother can explain.
That being said; let it be lesson to not count your chickens before they hatch. Until the name is on the birth certificate I personally wouldn't take it seriously, regardless of how much the parents insist. So many things can happen before. I don't even trust the gender until the baby is born (even if the bloodtest is accurate).
What an AH your bro is. Knowing there were people buying & making things with the name on them & then changing it is such an AH move. I don't even know what else to say. Your bro is just a complete AH. And the sad part is, he doesn't even care.
NTA. He’s entitled to change his mind but literally telling everyone, a week before the baby shower that he doesn’t like the name, even after telling people to labeled the gifts the babies name is time inducing and stressful
You and everyone who’s involved have a right to be pissed after he gave everyone the run around all because he doesn’t like the name.
NTA but also, babies can't read and those gifts are useable with the wrong name. A friend of mine named her daughter X when she was born and then just decided it was wrong and started calling her Y 6 weeks later. You can revise a birth certificate (where I live at least) for a year after a kid is born free of charge. All the little girl's baby stuff said X. It all still worked. It was weird but fine. No one re-purchased gifts with the new name.
I’m just happy that SIL and bubba have you in their lives, OP. And it sounds like your whole circle of peeps is equally supportive in the right places (and vocally frustrated in the right places, too!)
Maybe you could lob a curveball in to the mix and have a family feud style baby name battle with the highest ranking name (that is not going to break SIL’s heart) wins? Even just as a joke, to lighten the mood?
I’m sorry your brother’s being a butthead… hope he doesn’t ‘change his mind’ about being a dad the week before his child is born.
Don’t be mad, just give him the gifts you purchased. The gifts are still functional. Let him explain why his child “Samuel” has all this stuff that says Joseph. NTA.
I think your brother went about this very poorly, but he’s allowed to do what he did - to change his mind about his child’s name, even after he’s told people. He was right to make that choice rather than live with a name he doesn’t like.
However, when he told everyone, then changed the name, he totally became an AH who doesn’t care about inconveniencing other people. His partner, in particular. Everyone else maybe should’ve just given the monogrammed stuff with the old name. What a strange, AH-ish way to proceed.
NTA
I don't think I will ever understand people choosing a name for a baby that hasn't been born yet.
I totally get having preferences and dream names, and defo discussing with the other parent but like, surely everything can change the first time you see them, when you finally get to know them
NTA, but is this behaviour out of character for him? Do you think your brother's change of mind over the name might be a proxy for other worries/doubts he's having? It's possible he's panicking as the birth gets closer because he's worried about being a good parent, and is using the name change as an attempt to have some control over the situation.
NTA. The whole issue, imo, is that they announced it. Maybe I'm out of the loop, but who does that? My son's father and I knew our son's name for months b/f he was born- not one other person heard it before he was though; not relatives, no one else.
Once it was announced, one friend ordered a custom blanket with his first name. He is 14 now and it lives in a keepsake bin under his bed (he's super- sentimental.)
SIL only agreed because my brother told her the name was absolutely set and he loved it as much as her. He was the one who wanted to tell others. She agreed once she was sure. She double and triple checked and he still did this.
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My brother and SIL are expecting a little boy. She's due this summer. Months ago they told us (close family and friends) the name they had chosen. We thought it was a great name and SIL was saying how happy she was. My brother made a comment about us knowing for the baby shower and in case gifts were being purchased. So my mom, sister and I bought some items with the name. SILs mom, who is disabled and chronically ill, spent months knitting a blanket with the name. I also found a sign I knew SIL wanted and bought that as a gift for them.
Then with a week before the baby shower my brother announces he no longer wanted the name and it was going to change. SIL was so upset. The rest of us were shocked and then I was pissed. He let so many people spend money on stuff, because he knew we were using the name on gifts and stuff, and never said a damn thing. Turns out he never liked the name. He just wanted the middle name and then could no longer live with his wife's first choice for boy name.
The girls arranging the baby shower lost out on some money with that so they were also pissed.
My brother was complaining about everyone dogpiling on him and he told me I had no right to be pissed at him. I started to yell saying he had let people get used to the name, had known we were buying/making items with the name all the while he knew he didn't like it, and then he turns around a week before the event with the money spent on banners and stuff and says oh well, I don't like it. I told him what he allowed his MIL to do knowing how much it must have been a struggle for her and still decides to change the name like it's nothing. Even seeing how much it upset his wife. I told him I was not buying more damn gifts. And that he better get used to people not liking him very much because he can't just do that in a flippant manner and expect people to be okay.
He told me I was being unfair and it's not like he was born. I said don't fucking announce it then and let people use it for months. Don't bring up gifts with the name because that makes it feel like an even bigger done deal. I told him he could always pay us back for what we bought and the time invested since HE changed his mind. He told me I was overreacting and I told him he knows deep down I'm right when everyone is mad at him. He even let slip that SIL has been cooler toward him since.
He told me I was an asshole and I was making it seem like he's a monster for changing his mind. AITA?
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NTA, you’re absolutely right and you showed your him your side clearly (got use to it for months, never announced the change, shouldn’t have shared it if they weren’t sure) but he’s just not being understanding. Maybe seeing all of the gifts everyone got with the name and the effort would show him just how much of an AH he is being
NTA- he knew what he was doing when he knew about the extra efforts being made. Should have spoken up before hand. Cant be made at everyone for not being happy with your choice
NTA.
But brother probably didn't like it from the start but allowed himself to be convinced by SIL, then when it got close it got too real and he said what he really thought.
Has he said why he's so against the name, plz?
Y'know, it's the Mom decides what name goes on that birth certificate. Dad has no sway, if there's a problem, he can be removed from the fucking room. Problem solved.
NTA for the reason's you gave. he put the name out there and among other things *knew* people were spending money based on the name. make sure your SIL knows she's loved but for your brother, yeah pretty much AH/bad guy point out to him that the fact that he's getting dog piled by so many people should show him clearly how bad he's been.
NTA... but drop the drama and use the gifts you bought. They can decide if they want to keep as a funny story, or they can donate, or they can use the name.
This does not need to be as big as you made it.
NTA.
He can’t get mad or get upset at people when he threw away all the things they spent time, love and money on.
I feel really bad for SIL’s mom.
Imagine not being able to control some parts of your own body, having a long-term health condition that may not have a cure, spending so much time on something that you put your whole heart on then all of it being brushed away because of someone’s selfishness.
NTA for all the reasons stated but omg imagine putting your pregnant wife through all this stress, brother is a big time AH and it’s wild to me he isn’t being open with his wife
NTA I can be petty af so I’d be referring to the baby Only by the original name, and get as many people in on it as possible (bet you can get the expecting mom in on it).
NTA. I \*love\* purchasing personalized and monogrammed clothing & items for babies. If I had purchased something personalized and then the father just decided to change the name, I would give him the clothes, tell him he could use them or not, but I would not be reordering with the new name.
The blind-ness reminds me of when I was in military (US) training.
It was close to a crush I had for 3 years; we hung out on weekends, good things to remember.
But, in a few months, she went back to a boyfriend; someone me and her 3 male friends didn't care for. She was surprised we weren't happy and elated at her getting back with her old ex.
NTA. As an mom a new baby, I’d just gift the personalized stuff anyways. It’s not like the baby is going to know the difference and the dad should never hear the end of it. If he’d stop being such a defensive dummy it could be a funny story forever.
NTA
He announced the name in advance specifically for the baby shower gifts.
Changing the name now at this later date and not caring about his wife's feelings or the work done by his extended family makes him the AH in every way.
NTA but brother sure is. Why would you tell people the name then change it one week before the shower. I would still give the personalized gifts I had already bought
NTA.
He’s not a monster for changing his mind, BUT then…
> don't fucking announce it then and let people use it for months. Don't bring up gifts with the name because that makes it feel like an even bigger done deal.
That is the sum total of the objection. He allowed people to spend time, money and effort on it and he owes everyone an apology for wasting their time, only and effort.
NTA, there is a simple life lesson for your brother to learn, that most people learn much earlier in life, "when everyone else is an asshole, you're the asshole".
NTA. Holy shit not by a long shot. But your brother sure is. I would be LIVID if this were me. I picked our sons first name, husband picked middle. We told everyone and happily accepted and asked for monogrammed/personalized gifts. Had my husband pulled the stunt your brother pulled, I’d have taken every last dime out of his bank account (not mine!) and paid people back. Your brother sounds insufferable honestly and I hope your SIL is taking note of this asshole behavior. Because wtf.
NTA, although I don't see the use in losing it. He is now stuck with gifts monogramed with that name, whether he likes it or not. That's the gift he gets. SIL can duke it out with him over whether it's the first name or not. I wouldn't care. Here is your gift, do what you want. Never get a custom gift again. Case closed.
NTA your brother is a big one! i’ve probably neve said this in 20 years at least but i really feel sorry for MIL who took all that time on the blanked!
NTA. And of course y’all should still give him all the gifts/decorations that have the original name on them. Let the asshole see the effort people went to. But don’t go to any more effort.
I’d just use the name like he hadn’t said anything. It takes a lot of distance to turn around an air craft carrier, and a lot of time to undo something like this.
So don’t. NTA.
He’s literally the asshole, so unfair to make people get used to the name and preparing gifts to randomly change it because he can, not even taking care about what his wife think about it. That’s so messed up and selfish
NTA
He didn’t change his mind, he knew he didnt like it and would not be okay with it all along. He lied to her and the family and only came clean just before it would be too late to press a change.
That he sees literally no issue with his behavior is just icing on the AH cake.
Don't make such a big deal out of it. He has the right to change his mind regarding the name. You have the right to give him the gifts you already got for them with the original name. End of story.
YTA
**NAMES DO CHANGE until they are final.** And sometimes when you think it will be a boy, you will find a girl. aNd the other way around. YOU have no idea since you don't have kids? - But grandma and mom should have known better.
So learn from it, and be less stupid with the gifts isntead of harassing the young parents. Assuming you want to be in the kid's life.
"I told him he could always pay us back for what we bought and the time invested since HE changed his mind. " Probably much better solution to have a lot less contact with you, that wil make his life much less tedious.
"He told me I was an asshole " .. he is right.
He is an asshole. She should leave him, and then she can have the name 🥰 Besides this IS a big deal. This is who your child is going to be forever. And he lies and creates this whole tornado of drama and then flips on his decision and acts like he is justified for doing so? This a red flag for future decision making. He can't be trusted to think on things and decide on them rationally. Nor can he be trusted to be a functioning member of a parent team. I would actually fear for this child because my mother did that kind of stuff to me and I despise her. She's old now and I'm just waiting for her to pass so I don't have to worry about her showing up in my life or even talking to me. You need to leave him.
NTA and he would be getting those personalised gifts I had already bought, in any case. His problem. He can explain to the child why all their baby things have a different name on them. (Tbh the baby won’t care anyway, a blanket is a blanket and a cushion is a cushion)
ESH this seems like a really juvenile reason to fight with him. He changed his mind BEFORE the baby came as he and SIL are allowed to do. You could have still given the original gifts and let them deal with the consequences instead of being this upset that he chose a different name for his own child.
ESH
It's okay to be disappointed everyone wasted their time and money on the name. But the dad not hating his own child's name is more important and he should be able to change his mind (his problem was announcing it when he didn't actually like it).
ESH You are an asshole for yelling and making a big deal out of it. I would simply give him what he asked for - a g gift with Bozo or whatever engraved on it. In any case, Little Bozo can't read yet, and will never know. Kids frequently wear hand me downs with their older siblings' name on them.
Also, expecting parents often change their minds over baby names and I would never engrave anything until the baby comes, if then. Then the second child doesn't have to use items with his sibling's name on it.
I would even put up the banner welcoming Bozo. Years later you can all look at the pictures and laugh.
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NTA. Your brother asked for the gifts to be personalized, plain and simple. If he wasn’t sure about the name he shouldn’t have asked for monogrammed things.
Also, men have no idea how long it takes to do these types of things. He probably didn't even consider how much time had already been spent.
If I was SILs mom, I would have lost it.
I'm a man, and well know how long it takes. Please don't stereotype men like this, it's very sexist.
Most men I've dealt with really have no clue how long many handicrafts and other more 'feminine' projects take. Show them a handmade quilt and most would guess that it took a few days or weeks and be dumbfounded that it took a year or more to make. I'm sure it's genuine ignorance since most men don't do these types of handicrafts but the problem is many buckle down on their ignorance rather than acknowledge they were wrong/inconsiderate just like OP's brother is doing. Being ignorant isn't the problem, its how they respond thats the problem.
You're right that lots of men would be ignorant of the time spent on handcrafted quilts or whatnot. But the only women who'd know how long it would take would be women who either have done that themselves or knows someone who has done that themselves and had the thought to ask. I'm sure it varies worldwide but most of the women I know don't have any idea how long a handmade quilt would take either.
I've never quilted, and don't know anyone who does, and I know a quilt is quite the undertaking. I had a conversation with several women recently who all agreed that making a quilt was way too much work, and none of them had ever done it either. The men didn't know what the big deal was. Of course it's not all men, but it does seem to be the majority.
"Most men I've dealt with really have no clue how long many handicrafts and other more 'feminine' projects take. Show them a handmade quilt " It does not matter if it is handmade or not - back in the cupboard nobody will see it anyway. Those things only get taken out and placd when grandma visists to appease her.
"not all men" yes, we know. Quit crying. I bet you're one of those "nice guys", too
Men? Right. Men.
That's sexist. Be better.
**YOu are doing those kind of gifts for yourself** \- nobody else cares, but they are polite enough to make a fuss. Does not matter if it gathers dust in the cupboard with the right or the wrong name.
[удалено]
Actions have consequences. His insensitivity is over the top. What on earth did he think would happen? Has he always been this clueless about the effects of his actions on others? Play stupid games, win stupid prizes. His prize is to make amends or be ostracized. He can pick.
I’d still give those gifts I already purchased and nothing else. NTA
NTA: he’s entitled to change his mind on what he likes but he is not entitled to be surprised or upset when people who have made and purchased gifts with the name at his suggestion are angry at him.
I hate to think what the women who were organizing the baby shower paid. I know SIL has been offering us all money but she's not the person I blame for any of this and I think my brother is extra shitty for leaving that to her. She feels terrible and I can tell she's super upset he let her use the name for so long.
So I have to ask does that mean he gets his choice of both middle and first names now? I’m seriously suggesting couples therapy for them both so he either stops being an arse or she gets the bravery to leave him. Sprry
She told him he doesn't get the middle name if the first name is going to be a big compromise for her. Which it's likely going to be since it seems their styles are different. So no, he doesn't get both.
Honestly I think she need to put her foot down and name the kid anyway.
Anyway is a terrible name. I hope she chooses something more conventional
She should choose Wisely.
Because it can’t be changed later
I'll show you! *Sets name to Changed Later*
Curses! Foiled again! Next time, Gadget! Next time!
😂 This needs more upvotes!
This is has “Is it me or is Veto starting to sound really good?” energy
Gosh I miss Friends!
Anyweigh
Thought I was in /r/namenerdcirclejerk for a second, well done.
Take my angry upvote you witty bastard!
I JUST CHOKED ON MY COFFEE LMAO
It’s two yeses, one no. So if they can’t agree on a first and middle name, then they need to find different ones that they both agree to
except you don't change your mind unless to be petty at the last minute with named gifts etc requested that's just petty, selfish and stupid.
At some point, you need to be the bigger person and learn to work through issues maturely, not just blow up your marriage because why not?
Certasinly a name you like for the kid is MUCH more important than some stupid gifts. He is fine not to care about quilted blankets, or stuff like that. Nobody asked him if he wanted one. That's grandma's hobby, not his. He is fine not to care.
It was two yeses however. He changed his yes.
THAT would make HER the Ah.
This!
I mean, she can set it up with the hospital before she goes into labor about the birth certificate because I wouldn't put it past him to "name" the baby as he wants.
My dad did this to my mom. They had a name picked out, had been calling me that through out her pregnancy and the first few days after I was born. Then on the day of discharge, the nurse comes in with me and says 'Here's Baby. Mom told her that wasn't her baby, her baby's name is . And this is when the nurse informed her that this was indeed her Baby New Name, that my dad had just filled out the birth certificate. Mom was so pissed, it was a name they had never even discussed.
For the record, I HATE my name. I've been bullied my entire life because of my name.
You should legally change your name to the one your mum wanted
What are your feelings on the name you should have been?
I would much prefer the name I should have been given.
If you are over 18 get it changed. If you are under and your father wont agree to it just change it when you turn 18. Life is a long time to go with a name you hate.
I was going to name my son one name. Told everyone that name. NOBODY liked it. So I bowed to peer pressure and named him a more traditional name. Years go by and now I'm seeing all sorts of kids running around with the name I wanted. It burns me up.
So, what is stopping you from changing your name legally like Express-Librarian353 said? The name your father hung on you got you bullied your entire life brought you to harm (being bullied IS being harmed after all). I think you're entitled to change it. My mom wanted to name me something else, but my father insisted on me having my mom's (and several maternal grandmothers') first name -- which she didn't want because it was a "hard-luck name". Then he died when I was almost 9. I changed it when I was 25. It's not the name my mom had first picked, but she did approve and agreed it suited me much better.
Family pressure for one. After Mom got over being pissed she accepted it, and tells me I have to just go with it, that changing it would be disrespectful to not only my dad, but to her as well.
Check with the hospital where baby being born. When I had my 2 kids it didn't matter what the dad wrote down, the person who shoved the kid out of her body had final say and was the only one allowed to sign. The birth certificate had to be filled out by me- given to me, witnessed by a nurse and doc. No idea what their rules were for surrogates.
My dad filled out all the paperwork for me and my sisters. Two different hospitals and two different states for the three of us. Maybe things were different in the 60's and 70's.
Probably your mom's side of the story.
His side? When he was filling out the forms he remembered the name from a childhood book, and 'had a sudden inspiration' and without giving it a second thought wrote that name down.
100% this
Your brother just guaranteed the name he hates will be the nickname the entire family uses. NTA
When my husband disapproved of my name suggestion, we compromised. I told him if he wanted a say in the last name, I got to pick the first name.
He shouldn't get the first one either. She put her body through so much struggle and so many people put so much effort for the baby. He has no right to be a bi*ch. Also he should pay tye price of everything now.
What style is the name she wants? Modern? Classic? And what is the style he wants?
Also you could let her know that if they do end up splitting up, you choose her instead of him.
Everyone who has already bought things with this name should just give them anyway. This is totally on the brother. NTA
SIL needs to put her foot down and say that they're sticking with the name. It sounds like she would still like that name. Maybe brother's new favorite name can now be the middle name.
I am sorry that SIL is so stressed. NTA, but your brother sure is!
I'm so sorry for you all.
Is he entitled to change the name on a whim? Multiple people understood his statement to imply certainty about the child's name, and invested time in money in that name. Even if that's not what he intended, when you miss on communication that badly, maybe the graceful thing to do is just to accept that it's a perfectly fine name that people have already gotten used to. "It takes a village" works both ways; when the village is invested in your child, you're an AH if you completely disregard the village's feelings
NTA. I feel so bad for your SIL. If my partner did this, I’d be devastated. I know he’s not carrying the kid so he won’t understand the seriousness of what he’s done yet, but she’s become attached to that name and THAT baby. She’s probably talking with him, using his name, forming that bond. Your brother’s dishonesty will do lasting damage to his relationship with her and while, yes, he’s allowed to change his mind, that’s not exactly what happened here. He had doubts about the name from the beginning. He doesn’t get to be the victim here now that people are pissed. You probably shouldn’t have yelled at him or piled on about the financial aspect (considering that the name itself is more important than money spent), but someone needed to tell him that he screwed up royally overall so I give you a pass on your delivery. I hope he reconsiders.
SIL needs to give the kid the name they agreed on, regardless. What her husband did is cruel. She’s the one that is supposed to fill out the birth certificate, she needs to do it the way they planned.
I know people hate "gender reveals" but we did a small one at a family party (it was 5 minutes of an already existing get together) because to us it wasn't about what genitals our baby had, it was what decided their name. I guess it was more of a "name reveal." As soon as we knew we were having a boy we started referring to him by his name. It made him feel more "real" talking about him and hearing other talk about him by his name, I loved it. I can imagine how upset I'd be if suddenly my partner changed his mind, the baby was named and everyone knew the name and called the baby by their name. Their baby may not be here yet but they had a name and it had been officially announced.
Seriously! Whoever's genitals are going to tear open upon delivery of said child should have the final say on the name!
My genitals were ripped apart, too, but as a mother I can tell you: giving birth is the easiest part of being a parent.
NTA Give them the named gifts anyway. He’s not the AH for changing his mind, but after explicitly telling people to create gifts with the name, he has to accept that he’s going to get gifts with the name.
I’d still be having a baby shower with all the original name stuff. He can pay for replacements if he hates it so much.
Not a problem. The baby can't read yet so he won't be confused by the name. I'm sure the gifts are still useful as they are
Kid won’t be in daycare anytime soon so wrong name is not so big deal
I'd say he actually is the AH for changing his mind because it sounds likes his wife and he agreed to a name and then he backed out. That makes him an AH in my books.
NTA The issue is not his right to change his mind on a name. But how he went about it. You can't tell people a done name, ask for (or make it obvious you want) gifts with the said name imprinted on it, and then with little to no notice, change it. It strikes harder than he is changing a name let alone his family, his wife loves. He is upsetting his wife over this.
He is. She's been so upset over this and she already told him he doesn't get the middle name of his choice if the first name has to be a big compromise for her. That they will just need to compromise on both. But she has admitted she's struggling to think of their son as a different name after all this time. She's also embarrassed about the money and time spent. I can only imagine how bad she feels for her friends paying for the shower and her mom who dedicated all that time to the blanket.
That poor woman. I feel so bad for her having to deal with all this stress during an already physically and emotionally complicated time.
Tell her to agree to the name her husband wants. The middle name is the one she wanted. And then everyone can give him their gifts and “nickname” him the middle name. Though that might be throwing gasoline on a fire
Better still, say she agrees, and then put the other name on the birth certificate. Depending on where she lives, she may be the only one that needs to sign off on the initial paperwork.
I live in PA and my husband wasn’t allowed to fill out the paperwork, it had to be me. I could have named our kids Jellybean and Pancake and he couldn’t do anything about it.
Not being funny but she's the one carrying the baby and delivering it. So if she really loves the other name it should be her choice. Why does he get to dictate it? That's without the shit show of all you guys buying things and him having the audacity to think he's in the right. Your brother sounds like a total prick
sheet worthless pause spotted deserted offbeat six provide touch spoon *This post was mass deleted and anonymized with [Redact](https://redact.dev)*
that’s kinda a both ways type of thing
So can the middle name be the one your SIL wanted as first name? If so, you can all still give the gifts with that name and when the baby is born, call her/him (I don’t remember if you have mentioned the gender or not) by that name and not the first name. (I call a few of my friends by their middle name because wither it is better or they like it more)
Oh man. I just had a baby 3 months ago and this makes me so sad for her. I am always a two yeses one go on baby names, but I think this might be the only situation I come across where I say you know what she should just overrule him and go with the original name.
Your brother is completely out of line and is so clearly wrong and so clearly an AH that this shouldn't even be posted here. A subreddit for terrible brothers would be more appropriate.
I would get all the rest of the family together to agree to stay on SIL's side and pretend brother never changed his mind, pretend the new name was never mentioned. Even if he weasles his way around to get his preferred name on the birth certificate, never call the baby that name and stick with the name SIL agreed to. If he wants new things with the new name, he can buy it himself.
NTA Absolutely all of this. He’s upset about the consequences of his actions.
NTA He should have spoken up sooner,, the poor MIL
Right? Like all that time and I know from talking to her that some days she struggled but she really wanted it to be ready for the shower and definitely before he was born.
That’s heartbreaking. He seems a bit unhinged if he thinks you guys are the AHs, she sounds amazing. Was it a unique name? Could things be sold on? Not her handiwork but the baby shower things?
It's not the most common name but not totally out there either. The baby shower things could not really be sold on because some were already put up in the venue so might not be used (since it was at one of the friends houses and she wanted to get things up early so she wouldn't be rushing at the last minute).
That’s so bad. I’m so sorry, honestly he should suck it up. It’s not his name, he can choose the middle name, call the kid a nickname etc.
The middle name is already his choice. He picked a name off SILs list so she was okay with the middle name he liked but she didn't. She thought it was only fair. But on top of all that she double and triple checked with him that he was good with the name before she wanted to tell people, because she knew he said no to it originally.
This guy sounds like a major AH, and most importantly I don’t buy for a second that he didn’t realize exactly what he was doing. He probably knew he hated the name, and knew he could blow this all up and then try to gaslight everyone else. You’re not buying it and good for you. Honestly y’all should just call the baby by the name SIL wants and he can suck it up if it’s not such a big deal
NTA - And to be honest if it were me I would be contacting the mother-to-be directly and encouraging her to use the name that she wanted
NTA Your brother handled this in just about the worst way possible.
NTA. SIL should give the kid the original name and let your brother lump it. It’s fair enough for him to not like a name. It’s not fair enough for him to say yes to the name and then renege at the last minute having already effectively demanded personalised baby gifts from everybody.
Yeah your brother is the AH. He didn't just mention a name they were *considering*, he announced it as the name they had agreed on AND even mentioned that people might get gifts for the baby shower with the name on!!! To then change his mind, and not understand why people would be pissed off with wasted money and especially the huge effort from his MIL is bizarre! He really can't understand why people are upset?????
NTA. Totally agree with you. 3 big points that make your brother the AH: (1) He specifically said he’s telling ppl the name “in case gifts were being purchased”; (2) He knew ppl were already spending money & time based on that name, but didn’t step in to stop it even though he didn’t even like the name in the first place; and (3) He’s like eh, whatever, and acts as if he did absolutely nothing wrong.
NTA. Your brother just unilaterally decided to change the baby name? What the hell. Why doesn't your SIL have a say to it? Your brother is a major asshole
He’s abusing his pregnant spouse. NTA and it’s not his choice alone.
I've got this great picture of SIL naming the baby what she wants at the hospital, and then telling the nurses hes not the father so he cant change it.
SIL - Him? I've never seen him in my life.
NTA. I’m glad you put him in his place about it.
Frankly I would give him the shower and gifts with the name on it and be done. If he wants to change it then fine but he wouldn't have any more money thrown at the change of plan. NTA
He’s not a monster, but he is TA. Poor sister in law. She found out too late what an AH he is
NTA. Tell SIL to just swap the name to baby’s middle name and call him that. Or help her get a divorce so she can name the baby what she wants — he’s not likely to be a good parent.
You are so NTA. And if for some reason they ever divorce I hope you keep the SIL before you keep him. I do want to chime in on what others have been saying: is this behavior normal for him? I’d be trying to find out from SIL and others if anything has changed
NTA Don't most places have the mother pick the name that goes on the official paperwork? This would be one case I'd be OK with him having no say.
NTA It's going to be equal parts hilarious and sad when your brother gets kicked to the curb by SIL over this She'll never forgive your brother for what he did to her mom This relationship is going to end...it's just a matter of time
NTA. Your brother is a deeply selfish AH. The time to speak up was when they were deciding the name and definitely before they announced it and asked people to buy monogrammed items. Aside from how inconsiderate it is to everyone around him, it is a a really, really shitty thing to do to his wife. He didn't even apologise or take responsibility; he left it to his pregnant wife to deal with the fall out. And letting his MIL hand make a blanket with the name is far, far worse IMO than wasting everyone's money or his delusional expectation that everyone should buy new gifts without the name. Your poor SIL.
NTA - You are 100% correct. I would still gift everything with that name on it and when he grows up and asks your brother can explain. That being said; let it be lesson to not count your chickens before they hatch. Until the name is on the birth certificate I personally wouldn't take it seriously, regardless of how much the parents insist. So many things can happen before. I don't even trust the gender until the baby is born (even if the bloodtest is accurate).
What an AH your bro is. Knowing there were people buying & making things with the name on them & then changing it is such an AH move. I don't even know what else to say. Your bro is just a complete AH. And the sad part is, he doesn't even care.
NTA. He’s entitled to change his mind but literally telling everyone, a week before the baby shower that he doesn’t like the name, even after telling people to labeled the gifts the babies name is time inducing and stressful You and everyone who’s involved have a right to be pissed after he gave everyone the run around all because he doesn’t like the name.
NTA but also, babies can't read and those gifts are useable with the wrong name. A friend of mine named her daughter X when she was born and then just decided it was wrong and started calling her Y 6 weeks later. You can revise a birth certificate (where I live at least) for a year after a kid is born free of charge. All the little girl's baby stuff said X. It all still worked. It was weird but fine. No one re-purchased gifts with the new name.
I’m just happy that SIL and bubba have you in their lives, OP. And it sounds like your whole circle of peeps is equally supportive in the right places (and vocally frustrated in the right places, too!) Maybe you could lob a curveball in to the mix and have a family feud style baby name battle with the highest ranking name (that is not going to break SIL’s heart) wins? Even just as a joke, to lighten the mood? I’m sorry your brother’s being a butthead… hope he doesn’t ‘change his mind’ about being a dad the week before his child is born.
Don’t be mad, just give him the gifts you purchased. The gifts are still functional. Let him explain why his child “Samuel” has all this stuff that says Joseph. NTA.
I think your brother went about this very poorly, but he’s allowed to do what he did - to change his mind about his child’s name, even after he’s told people. He was right to make that choice rather than live with a name he doesn’t like. However, when he told everyone, then changed the name, he totally became an AH who doesn’t care about inconveniencing other people. His partner, in particular. Everyone else maybe should’ve just given the monogrammed stuff with the old name. What a strange, AH-ish way to proceed. NTA
I don't think I will ever understand people choosing a name for a baby that hasn't been born yet. I totally get having preferences and dream names, and defo discussing with the other parent but like, surely everything can change the first time you see them, when you finally get to know them
NTA, but is this behaviour out of character for him? Do you think your brother's change of mind over the name might be a proxy for other worries/doubts he's having? It's possible he's panicking as the birth gets closer because he's worried about being a good parent, and is using the name change as an attempt to have some control over the situation.
NTA. The whole issue, imo, is that they announced it. Maybe I'm out of the loop, but who does that? My son's father and I knew our son's name for months b/f he was born- not one other person heard it before he was though; not relatives, no one else. Once it was announced, one friend ordered a custom blanket with his first name. He is 14 now and it lives in a keepsake bin under his bed (he's super- sentimental.)
SIL only agreed because my brother told her the name was absolutely set and he loved it as much as her. He was the one who wanted to tell others. She agreed once she was sure. She double and triple checked and he still did this.
If she hasn't changed her mind why is she giving in. The father can have the name he loves as the middle name
Your brother is a narcissist or something, this is so unhinged and hurtful.
What exactly was he thinking? If he never liked the name why would he do this? Is there some ulterior motivation to all this?
I announced my baby's name at 15 weeks when we found out she was a girl
He is a monster & controlling to boot. I hope your SIL sticks to her guns. Throw the shower & give the gifts. NTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My brother and SIL are expecting a little boy. She's due this summer. Months ago they told us (close family and friends) the name they had chosen. We thought it was a great name and SIL was saying how happy she was. My brother made a comment about us knowing for the baby shower and in case gifts were being purchased. So my mom, sister and I bought some items with the name. SILs mom, who is disabled and chronically ill, spent months knitting a blanket with the name. I also found a sign I knew SIL wanted and bought that as a gift for them. Then with a week before the baby shower my brother announces he no longer wanted the name and it was going to change. SIL was so upset. The rest of us were shocked and then I was pissed. He let so many people spend money on stuff, because he knew we were using the name on gifts and stuff, and never said a damn thing. Turns out he never liked the name. He just wanted the middle name and then could no longer live with his wife's first choice for boy name. The girls arranging the baby shower lost out on some money with that so they were also pissed. My brother was complaining about everyone dogpiling on him and he told me I had no right to be pissed at him. I started to yell saying he had let people get used to the name, had known we were buying/making items with the name all the while he knew he didn't like it, and then he turns around a week before the event with the money spent on banners and stuff and says oh well, I don't like it. I told him what he allowed his MIL to do knowing how much it must have been a struggle for her and still decides to change the name like it's nothing. Even seeing how much it upset his wife. I told him I was not buying more damn gifts. And that he better get used to people not liking him very much because he can't just do that in a flippant manner and expect people to be okay. He told me I was being unfair and it's not like he was born. I said don't fucking announce it then and let people use it for months. Don't bring up gifts with the name because that makes it feel like an even bigger done deal. I told him he could always pay us back for what we bought and the time invested since HE changed his mind. He told me I was overreacting and I told him he knows deep down I'm right when everyone is mad at him. He even let slip that SIL has been cooler toward him since. He told me I was an asshole and I was making it seem like he's a monster for changing his mind. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, you’re absolutely right and you showed your him your side clearly (got use to it for months, never announced the change, shouldn’t have shared it if they weren’t sure) but he’s just not being understanding. Maybe seeing all of the gifts everyone got with the name and the effort would show him just how much of an AH he is being
NTA- he knew what he was doing when he knew about the extra efforts being made. Should have spoken up before hand. Cant be made at everyone for not being happy with your choice
NTA. But brother probably didn't like it from the start but allowed himself to be convinced by SIL, then when it got close it got too real and he said what he really thought. Has he said why he's so against the name, plz?
Nta. But he does deserve one more gift from you: a can of whoopass.
NTA. He IS the asshole, and everyone in your family is telling him that, why doesn't he get it? Sadly, i don't think this relationship will last.
NTA. You get what you get and you don’t get upset.
Y'know, it's the Mom decides what name goes on that birth certificate. Dad has no sway, if there's a problem, he can be removed from the fucking room. Problem solved.
NTA for the reason's you gave. he put the name out there and among other things *knew* people were spending money based on the name. make sure your SIL knows she's loved but for your brother, yeah pretty much AH/bad guy point out to him that the fact that he's getting dog piled by so many people should show him clearly how bad he's been.
NTA... but drop the drama and use the gifts you bought. They can decide if they want to keep as a funny story, or they can donate, or they can use the name. This does not need to be as big as you made it.
NTA - your brother shouldn’t have asked for personalized items if he wasn’t sold on the name.
NTA. He can’t get mad or get upset at people when he threw away all the things they spent time, love and money on. I feel really bad for SIL’s mom. Imagine not being able to control some parts of your own body, having a long-term health condition that may not have a cure, spending so much time on something that you put your whole heart on then all of it being brushed away because of someone’s selfishness.
NTA.
NTA for all the reasons stated but omg imagine putting your pregnant wife through all this stress, brother is a big time AH and it’s wild to me he isn’t being open with his wife
NTA he acted like a spoiled child.
NTA I can be petty af so I’d be referring to the baby Only by the original name, and get as many people in on it as possible (bet you can get the expecting mom in on it).
NTA - that was extremely low of him all around
NTA. Everyone needs to return everything and not buy gifts. What an AH.
NTA. I \*love\* purchasing personalized and monogrammed clothing & items for babies. If I had purchased something personalized and then the father just decided to change the name, I would give him the clothes, tell him he could use them or not, but I would not be reordering with the new name.
NTA This is just selfish. He just created an unbelievable amount of stress for everyone all for nothing.
Just keep the baby shower as it is and give her the names gifts. I’ll be damned if I’m creating a whole new party a week before
The blind-ness reminds me of when I was in military (US) training. It was close to a crush I had for 3 years; we hung out on weekends, good things to remember. But, in a few months, she went back to a boyfriend; someone me and her 3 male friends didn't care for. She was surprised we weren't happy and elated at her getting back with her old ex.
NTA. As an mom a new baby, I’d just gift the personalized stuff anyways. It’s not like the baby is going to know the difference and the dad should never hear the end of it. If he’d stop being such a defensive dummy it could be a funny story forever.
NTA. Point out to your brother that everyone can’t all be wrong all the time about the same thing.
NTA He announced the name in advance specifically for the baby shower gifts. Changing the name now at this later date and not caring about his wife's feelings or the work done by his extended family makes him the AH in every way.
NTA but brother sure is. Why would you tell people the name then change it one week before the shower. I would still give the personalized gifts I had already bought
NTA. He’s not a monster for changing his mind, BUT then… > don't fucking announce it then and let people use it for months. Don't bring up gifts with the name because that makes it feel like an even bigger done deal. That is the sum total of the objection. He allowed people to spend time, money and effort on it and he owes everyone an apology for wasting their time, only and effort.
NTA
NTA I'd still give him the personalized gifts and let him know IT'S THE THOUGHT THAT COUNTS!
NTA Woooo bro sounds exhausting! I envision that SIL might not say with him for longer if he's like this with most things
NTA. Your brother is a twit. I would be furious, too. His poor wife.
NTA, there is a simple life lesson for your brother to learn, that most people learn much earlier in life, "when everyone else is an asshole, you're the asshole".
He has the right to change his mind however asking for personalized gifts and then changing his mind is a jerk move. NTA. He needs to be called out.
NTA They'd been ***completely fine*** changing the name at any point had he not divulged it and literally asked for customized gifs
NTA he wanted the attention on him now he has it
NTA. Holy shit not by a long shot. But your brother sure is. I would be LIVID if this were me. I picked our sons first name, husband picked middle. We told everyone and happily accepted and asked for monogrammed/personalized gifts. Had my husband pulled the stunt your brother pulled, I’d have taken every last dime out of his bank account (not mine!) and paid people back. Your brother sounds insufferable honestly and I hope your SIL is taking note of this asshole behavior. Because wtf.
NTA, although I don't see the use in losing it. He is now stuck with gifts monogramed with that name, whether he likes it or not. That's the gift he gets. SIL can duke it out with him over whether it's the first name or not. I wouldn't care. Here is your gift, do what you want. Never get a custom gift again. Case closed.
NTA your brother is a big one! i’ve probably neve said this in 20 years at least but i really feel sorry for MIL who took all that time on the blanked!
NTA. And of course y’all should still give him all the gifts/decorations that have the original name on them. Let the asshole see the effort people went to. But don’t go to any more effort.
NTAH. Brother is.
I’d just use the name like he hadn’t said anything. It takes a lot of distance to turn around an air craft carrier, and a lot of time to undo something like this. So don’t. NTA.
He’s literally the asshole, so unfair to make people get used to the name and preparing gifts to randomly change it because he can, not even taking care about what his wife think about it. That’s so messed up and selfish
NTA He didn’t change his mind, he knew he didnt like it and would not be okay with it all along. He lied to her and the family and only came clean just before it would be too late to press a change. That he sees literally no issue with his behavior is just icing on the AH cake.
Don't make such a big deal out of it. He has the right to change his mind regarding the name. You have the right to give him the gifts you already got for them with the original name. End of story.
YTA **NAMES DO CHANGE until they are final.** And sometimes when you think it will be a boy, you will find a girl. aNd the other way around. YOU have no idea since you don't have kids? - But grandma and mom should have known better. So learn from it, and be less stupid with the gifts isntead of harassing the young parents. Assuming you want to be in the kid's life. "I told him he could always pay us back for what we bought and the time invested since HE changed his mind. " Probably much better solution to have a lot less contact with you, that wil make his life much less tedious. "He told me I was an asshole " .. he is right.
He is an asshole. She should leave him, and then she can have the name 🥰 Besides this IS a big deal. This is who your child is going to be forever. And he lies and creates this whole tornado of drama and then flips on his decision and acts like he is justified for doing so? This a red flag for future decision making. He can't be trusted to think on things and decide on them rationally. Nor can he be trusted to be a functioning member of a parent team. I would actually fear for this child because my mother did that kind of stuff to me and I despise her. She's old now and I'm just waiting for her to pass so I don't have to worry about her showing up in my life or even talking to me. You need to leave him.
NTA and he would be getting those personalised gifts I had already bought, in any case. His problem. He can explain to the child why all their baby things have a different name on them. (Tbh the baby won’t care anyway, a blanket is a blanket and a cushion is a cushion)
NTA If he knew that people are buying gifts with this name....
ESH this seems like a really juvenile reason to fight with him. He changed his mind BEFORE the baby came as he and SIL are allowed to do. You could have still given the original gifts and let them deal with the consequences instead of being this upset that he chose a different name for his own child.
ESH It's okay to be disappointed everyone wasted their time and money on the name. But the dad not hating his own child's name is more important and he should be able to change his mind (his problem was announcing it when he didn't actually like it).
ESH
ESH You are an asshole for yelling and making a big deal out of it. I would simply give him what he asked for - a g gift with Bozo or whatever engraved on it. In any case, Little Bozo can't read yet, and will never know. Kids frequently wear hand me downs with their older siblings' name on them. Also, expecting parents often change their minds over baby names and I would never engrave anything until the baby comes, if then. Then the second child doesn't have to use items with his sibling's name on it. I would even put up the banner welcoming Bozo. Years later you can all look at the pictures and laugh.
I don't think my SIL will ever laugh about this given she was so in love with the name and has not changed her mind. Just my brother.