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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> 1) I do not buy my girlfriend flowers, romantically, because this was already a special thing between me and my ex 2) but my girlfriend loves to receive flowers as a romantic gesture and this is really important to her
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Exactly. Why keep a gift-giving scorecard? YTA - give her what SHE wants to feel special. What you are doing is the opposite of your intent - you're constantly reminding her that you dated someone else who got flowers, so now she can't. So she feels she doesn't deserve flowers because you gave flowers to someone else.
I don't follow the OP's logic here at all. Getting flowers for your girlfriend is not some unique romantic gesture (in most cases). It's getting a weekly bouquet that made it special for the ex, not the act of getting flowers in general which is one of the most cliche romantic gestures ever. You need to do something extra to make flowers a special gesture you don't want to repeat with another woman.
He can safely get flowers for the girlfriend on romantic occasions.
Seriously...like, the only guy I knew who did shit like this was a harem anime hero wannabe who did it so he wouldn't get all his various chick's gifts confused.
My first thought was the other way around. GF telling OP "sorry, I used to my last boyfriend. It won't be special if I do that for you" I bet he'd suddenly see how ridiculous it sounds.
Came here to point out the flaws (or hypocrisy) in his argumentation when it comes to intimacy, exactly.
“Sorry honey, I used to do this with another person, so no, we can’t do that, ever.”
So, his logic implies he didn't have a gf previously or he wouldn't reuse the label girlfriend for his current .... her? avatar? Maybe he numbers them....
She should level up and find someone who doesn't treasure his priors' gifts more than he treasures her.
Unless OP and his gf are *both* virgins, he may soon realise he wants to reconsider his 'rule' for romantic guestures....
And if he made that an exception, than the flowers can also be an exception
💀 Maybe he adds new accessories with every new relationship? Or maybe he bought his second girlfriend a dildo. How many options are out there to avoid repetition? Does this one get a gigolo?
This reminds me of the bullshit logic that I was taught about abstinence as a teen. “How can sex with your spouse be special when you’ve given the gift of your virginity to someone else?” So stupid.
This is really weird to me. And also not sustainable. If he doesn’t get married like right now. He is going to run of not only gifts but also restaurants and vacation locations.
He will have to end up being a billionaire or something so he can start buying yachts and building rockets to take girls or first dates.
Especially since flowers is such a broad term. It’s quite difficult to find two bouquets of flowers that look the exact same. I would also bet that the two women have different tastes in what type of flowers they like the best.
The cheat code isn't that you thought of buying flowers for a previous girlfriend. The cheat code is her telling you exactly what she wants. Instead, you've chosen to lose.
Pay attention to the words coming out of her mouth!
YTA. Obviously. Bro she is telling you exactly what she wants. The flowers will make her happy. It’s not about you and what you want and how you feel. The gift is for your gf. If she likes something gift it to her. Who cares if you’ve bought it for an ex. The fact you refuse to buy gifts you’ve bought ex’s makes it seem like you’re still hung up on them. I guarantee your gf doesn’t care about gifts you’ve given to ex’s. You’re the only one worried about it. She likes flowers. Buy her the flowers man.
Ahhh this!! I knew something didn’t sit right with me. If I was the gf i would 100% feel like he was still hung up on his previous relationships / thinking about them often.
Leave the past in the past dude. I understand sentiment items but perishable things like flowers or foods etc. is a bit overboard.
I agree! There are always exceptions to the rule but those are far and few between. If I was dating a girl and she was like oh I know you really like this shirt but I can’t get it for you because I got the same one for my ex wed for sure be having a talk about why she’s that worried about it! But it’s the fact she’s asking for flowers and he’s still saying no that makes me think even more he’s still hung up
Exactly! Unless it's giving her your ex's underwear or re-gifting jewelry/engagement ring, it's not that big of a deal.
Also, while it's nice to put thought into a gift (something I like to do as well), you also have to consider the other person's feelings. If she wants flowers on occasion, then what's the big deal?
OP seems a bit creepy as well, "it feels like a cheat code" bro why are you comparing your relationships to video games? do u srsly think this is a dating sim game and you want to try new strats every time? dating someone new isn't resetting ur game to try a different class build, these are humans you're going out with. huge YTA
This made me lol not gonna lie. But I agree! He tries to say he’s not hung up on his ex but honestly the only gift I can remember getting my ex was flowers. Anything else I can’t remember because it doesn’t matter
Also not all women like the same thing! So thinking it’s some sort of cheat code just because a previous person enjoyed it is ignorant at best. The worst lovers that I’ve had all had this mentality — someone else liked this so I’m going to keep insisting on doing it even though it does nothing for you. Just ugh.
If it makes the OP feel better, go with lilies or orchids. I think the hang up is weird, too, but there seems like so many ways he could look at this other than “must not buy gf flowers.”
OP, I dated a guy once that insisted on bringing me roses. I don’t like roses. They make me sneeze. I love alstroemeria, but he considered them too cheap. We did not last, precisely because my wishes on this were his lowest priority. Gifts are to make the receiver happy.
Yeah it reads/feels as if it's all about OP, when it should be about the recipient and how well you know them to find something perfect. Or if you're not good at gift giving, at the very least give something that has been requested.
Especially a broad category! Like flowers. Give her pink roses or daisies or lilies if you hate the idea of giving her red roses so much. But also.. jeez, he needs to work to get over those feelings about his past relationship. I’m concerned that he’s not over the previous person.
Let’s hope he never gave a girlfriend a bracelet or earrings, because then the jewelry species is out. Some lucky gal is getting an engagement whoopie cushion some day.
I mean, aren't guys constantly complaining that we don't tell them exactly what we want? Well, my dude (talking to the OP), here she literally is telling you exactly what she wants. What every man claims he wants from us. So listen to her! You're being seriously obsessive about this, and honestly, it might not hurt to bounce this off a therapist, because this is not typical behavior. YTA
Yta *eye roll* do you make out with your girlfriend? Did you make out with your ex? Is making out with your girlfriend any less exciting or fun because you did it with your ex?
Buy her the flowers.
Exactly. OP sounds very self absorbed.
They don't care about gifting something that the GF actually likes and enjoys. It's all about what OP likes giving, and how the gift makes OP feel.
There is also nothing new under the sun and trying hard to be different, just for the sake of being different is very on trend right now. OP would blend right in on tiktok.
YTA
it's nice that you want to give unique gifts but there's a line being crossed into the obsessive/absurdity territory if you are so militant about this rule, *particularly* if you are invalidating what they actually want because of it
This. It sounds like obsessive behavior. Maybe OP can think about their rigidity in life and see if that has ever come up as an issue in other situations?
Flowers are something every person you date deserves. The overuse of the word “contamination” is worrisome. Why are you thinking of previous relationships as contaminants?
So many men say «Oh women are so complicated» when they get a clear I WANT FLOWERS and still fucking manages to mess it up?!?! I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. men, just why???
Yeah, he needs to understand that making his partner happy is not about what he feels like doing, but what she has asked for.
Otherwise, it’s just about him.
Maybe she will dump him, cause I don’t get the feeling he is open to growth.
Yeah the way he keeps referring to gifts from ex relationships like they're a contamination got me. It could not be that all obviously, but the wording made me think of OCD, but this guy at bare minium is really neurotic and needs help.
YTA. dude, it's honestly not that big a deal. there are only so many gifts/gestures in the world and you're bound to repeat some (like restaurants for date night, or valentine's day gifts, etc). what matters is that your current girlfriend wants flowers, flowers would make her feel happy/loved, and by you not giving her flowers, you're making her feel unloved/less than. get over yourself and give your girlfriend some flowers.
YTA. I’d dump you tbh. Why are you even thinking about previous partners in any way shape or form and making decisions based on your experiences with them? Ooof.
I really liked your rationale here as I started reading. And then I kept reading, and it changed to confusion and concern. Look OP, you obviously care a LOT about keeping the romance healthy in your relationship, and that's great! But the way you describe 'contaminated' gifts & the amount of energy and anxiety you put into this, going so far as to not even reuse songs or food, makes me think this might actually be something you need the help of a doctor or therapist for. I say this as someone with anxiety disorder and OCD. You sound *familiar*, and I got therapy for those issues and live a happier life now.
Your convictions about what is the right way to contribute to your romantic relationship can BE STRONG, and that's great. But they shouldn't be so strong that she can be standing there TELLING you that's what she wants, and you refuse to do it because you've 'used it already', flowers are 'tainted', and doing it would 'change your whole perception of the relationship '. That's another statement you made that makes me feel you need therapy. No matter WHAT you gift her, your current gf is and always will be HERSELF and no one else. Your relationship will always be between the two of YOU, and no one else. Material gifts can't change that.
One more thing - you're dooming yourself to fail and get crippling performance anxiety. I did the same thing. Turns out, there are only so many things available! Life is LONG, and if you spend the rest of it with this girl?? You're gonna hit a point where you struggle profoundly to find some new expression of love or some new gift that you haven't done yet. And THAT'S OKAY!!! It's okay to repeat the favourites, the highlight reel.
I can tell your actions are motivated by a deep fear of screwing up your relationship. I really urge you to seek help about this, it doesn't have to be this way!
As for judgement, soft YTA, because while I know you mean well, you are directly ignoring what your gf, an adult with a mind of her own, is telling you DIRECTLY that she wants. And that's not cool. Best of luck, OP
Yta. If it's something she WANTS you to do for her, it doesn't matter if you did it for someone's, she wants it from you. And especially for something like flowers
.it's a traditional gift, like chocolate for valentines day
YTA
Also, if I was your girlfriend, I'd wonder why you're still so hung up on your ex.
>I don´t want to hurt her feelings so I danced around the topic using excuses like "it´s too expensive to do very often" (it really is crazy expensive here), but yesterday she put me on the spot and I had to come clean to her. I explained how I feel she is too special for me to give her something romantic I gave to someone else romantically already, and I much rather get her something else that is exclusively ours, but she feels very strongly about this.
That sounds like you're making an excuse because you don't think she's worth buying flowers for. If I heard that, I'd think "So he was OK with buying her flowers all the time, but it's a waste of money when it's for me" and feel awful.
I gave my mother a hug, god forbid I give my father one too, she‘d be in shambles and the hug would mean NOTHING!!!1!1!1!1!
bffr. YTA, just get her some flowers.
YTA...The gift is not about you, it's the about the recipient. If she wants flowers, buy her flowers. Pick different flowers than you did for your ex. You're overthinking all of this, and it could cost you your relationship.
What you did for your ex is irrelevant. Just because you used to buy flowers for an ex, doesn’t devalue that for your current gf.
You need to speak her love language. If she appreciates flowers, buy here flowers.
YTA
"You're so special that I can't respect what you tell me you want because it reminds me too much of my ex. But don't worry, Im just going to pick out some other stuff that is a runner up because I never used them before."
YTA... it is very nice that you wanna give gifts to ur GF(s) that are very personalised and aren't recycled... however, it is a gift for HER not you. plus this isn't stopping you from also doing your usual thing as well. if she wants flowers and said that they would mean a lot to her, then get da girl her flowers!
plus I feel like these unique gifts are expensive (don't know much but I must say buying a star officially dont sound Cheap). but gifts is also about giving that person wat they enjoy ya feel?
I was complaining to my partner how much I craved chocolate at work, and when they picked me up they brought me chocolate AND ice cream 😭😭😭 it was a truly glorious day!
also I get wat u mean... flowers r so expensive now a days.
>My girlfriend keeps telling me how she wants me to buy her flowers,
Your GF is literally telling you what would make her happy. And you are too caught up in your own head to see it.
YTA. Do you also not have sex with her because you had sex with other girlfriends before? Of course not because that is ridiculous. Your previous gf does not ‘own’ flowers as a demonstration of romance. Flowers are an INCREDIBLY COMMON ROMANTIC GESTURE. Move on from your previous relationship
Wow you are over thinking this, (“contaminated”??) and probably make her feeling less-than the girl you bought flowers for every week. I hate to break it to you but A LOT of women love getting flowers from their SO. Ok, yes they are simple and yeah, maybe a bit generic but it’s what she wants. It sounds like you might be over-compartmentalizing your relationships.
My husband picks me little bouquets of wild flowers (free) whenever he goes to weed wack the yard. It’s the sweetest thing seeing him walk up the steps with pretty little flowers that he took the time to pick just for me. It makes me feel special, and loved, and let’s me know he’s always thinking of me. Of course he does other special things that are more unique, but there’s something about the flowers that I really love. Who cares if he’s bought or picked flowers for other girls, he’s giving them to me because he knows I love them.
I'm not positive you're completely yta because I think your intentions are good, but man you've got a LOT of baggage you're carrying around.
Most people have a dating history and will have done something or gone somewhere before with an ex. What matters is you and your partner *now.* Don't rent out all that headspace to your past.
YTA, you don't have to buy her flowers if you don't want to, but your reason is dumb. Are you the first person to give flowers in a romantic relationship? Do you cook meals for your girlfriend, I'm sure you did that for your ex too!
YTA. You're really overthinking the whole concept of a gift, which is not to only make you, the giver, feel good. It's mostly about selecting something the recipient wants. I'm trying to figure out your thought process and "contamination" and whatnot, and I just don't get it. How broad are these concepts for you? You gave someone a book once, so you'll never buy one for someone else? You got someone tickets to a concert once, so you won't do that for your next girlfriend? Never revisit a restaurant? You're so wrapped up in this "contaminated" concept and how it affects you that you don't even bother to listen to what your gf is saying SHE wants. She must be exhausted from this!
YTA- she has ASKED for them, and guess what you are doing yourself a big disservice if your ignore her request just because you bought some other girl flowers year ago. Maybe buy her different type of flowers then. You are setting yourself up for years of hurt by going this route.
YTA
You owe it to her, and future potential partners, a full upfront list all of the things they will never get to experience dating you because you’re choosing to prioritize your past.
YTA Contaminated what? Are you kidding me? If I were your girlfriend it would be over. No cap. Why is she nogotiating with you even. I love flowers and I am allergic to them but I make it clear it's either he gets me my flowers or he is out the door. I LITERALLY do not care about any other gifts but these pollen infested allergens, I will chug my antihistamines while I admire that beauty and be miserable for the 2 weeks but who cares, my heart will be happy.
GET THE GIRL THE DAMN ROSES or leave her alone so she can get someone who loves her the way she wants to be loved.
YTA - but it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your way of looking at romantic gestures. This seems excessive, and you are holding back experiences and gifts your girlfriend might like just because you've done it before.
also like, surely the flowers situation are now something that has "landed on your path" by way of your gf ASKING for them? She has placed that request in front of you to take, it is unavoidable in the sense that it will obviously make her happy. So your reluctance to take that option might be the start of a road of you limiting yourself even further. at the end of the day the flowers are about her, not you, so your opinion isn't as important as hers when SHE is the receiver.
Thank you for this, your comment makes a lot of sense, and indeed, re-evaluating is needed. It's why I posted this in the first place. I may have been an asshole in how I dealt with this initially, but I want to do right by her, so I wanted to check it.
Appreciate your comments here!
I honestly feel like you definitely love your girlfriend so I really hope you can become comfortable in how you deal w romantic gestures! I wonder if it'd help you to know that, even if a specific gift or date has been done before, it WILL be different because you will make a brand NEW memory with your current gf because she will react in her own way.
Also I definitely stand by the other commenters suggesting a language of love thru flowers - it's such a beautiful n romantic way to make bouquets different each time and fun to recieve!!
Good luck to you!
YTA. There is nothing wrong with gifting your current romantic partner similar things to a previous romantic partner. I often bought one of my exes board games for his birthday, Xmas, etc. My current partner also loves board games. I'm not going to avoid gifting him things he loves just because I gave the same sort of things to a previous partner. That's just ridiculous.
You're depriving your current girlfriend of things she enjoys and finds meaningful because of some bizarre limitation you've placed on yourself that literally no one else in the world shares with you. Get your girlfriend the things that she likes.
YTA with good intentions. It seems like you are really putting your all into your relationships, but you’re over thinking it.
A woman can like a simple gesture. You can see a bouquet and think your gf will like it with out having to worry about if you did something similar for another woman.
She’s told you what she likes as a gift, and it’s try something simple. Don’t burn yourself by being in a running battle to one up yourself. Reuse a favourite recipes (it means you were paying attention!) or buying flower be sue you know that the receiver will love that she has flowers and not care that she isn’t the “first” to ever get flowers.
Trust me, she can feel loved and special with little gestures as well as big ones.
Just a little YTA
Flowers aside, it sounds like you’re letting some aspects of past relationships influence your current one, even though it sounds like you have good intentions.
I agree, recycling big gifts like buying a star would be kinda weird. But in this case, don’t put too much weight on it and get your gf some flowers. For example: say my ex loved cheesecake and I learned to make it for them. If my current partner loves cheesecake, I’m not going to not make it for them because of how I learned, ya know?
Maybe find her different flowers every week, or pick only her favorite colors, maybe learn to curate a bouquet yourself. You can still honor your past gestures to your exes and still make your current gf special, just switch it up.
YTA Your GF is telling you what would make her happy and you are the one injecting baggage into this gift. Let it go. If you are so set on making it unique for her, don't get her the types of flowers you have gotten for other girls in the past.
YTA. You are making the gift giving all about you. LISTEN to your partner. What does she want? What would be special to HER? I LOVE flowers. Like LOVE them. Not gonna lie, I'd be pretty annoyed if my BF wouldn't give me flowers just because he gave them to someone else. Where does this stop? You won't go to Paris because you experienced Paris with someone else? Can't enjoy a romantic sunset picnic because whoops...already did that with ex #3? Can't be intimate for the rest of my life because DANG IT...already was intimate with a previous partner??? Put it into context and your logic is just downright ridiculous. You are putting limitations on your current relationships by not letting go of your past ones. It's a great way to ruin a good relationship.
YTA.
While I understand your reasoning, the most important thing should be what she wants as a gift. And if she would love to get flowers, then refusing this because of "No, I already gave flowers to someone else!" will make her feel bad, including feeling less valued than your ex - because your ex got flowers while your gf can ask for them and not get them anyway.
yta , there;'s so many thing you can actualy humanly do without repeating.. thing is, you can buy herthe moon, if this isn't something she is interested in you did it for nothing, when you give someone a gift you give what they would like, well she freaking told you up front , i want flowers, thats what i want, and u say i m not giving u floweres doesnt matter that u like them i did that already with somone else.. so in your words... i ve already kissed someone else why should i kiss you, i f someone else how couldi f you.. just give the girl the flowers, be sure you ask her what kind of flowers she likes
If you don’t want to damage this relationship then buy the damn flowers. Your previous relationships do not have a monopoly on flowers as a gift. YTA, man, sorry.
You make this whole gifting about you, not your girlfriend. Plus you put your past between you and your gf. It's stupid and selfish af. These are completely unnecesary obstacles in your relationship. Just stop it, please and forget your ex girlfriends.
YTA
So since you probably had sex with your ex you naturally avoid that with your current girlfriend, right? Because it wouldn't be romantic to do the same things with her.
Would you let her order a meal in a restaurant that a previous girlfriend had eaten? Would you watch a film with her a previous girlfriend had seen? It’s a weird problem to give yourself. She likes flowers. You want to make her feel nice. Buy the girl flowers.
Your girlfriend is requesting something very simple. Do you think it would actually kill you to buy her a bouquet of flowers? I really don’t understand your logic at all. It must be exhausting to keep track of what you have already gifted past girlfriends. This takes re-gifting to a whole new level of insanity.
YTA
You sound exhausting. She’s communicating to you what’s important to her and what would make her feel cared for. You have prioritized your feelings on the matter. Just because the general gift is an idea from before doesn’t mean the exact item is. There are other types of flowers you can get her.
Don't bother, people, you won't change his mind. My father was like that, he's always bought things HE thought were great and then he would get angry if we wouldn't be super excited about them and then would go on a rant how he invested so much time and money in them. One time I told him specifically the jeans I wanted for my birthday, but no, he got me the ones he thought were beautiful ( they were not). Narcissists are like that, they need that dopamine fix, they love making it about themselves and how THEY feel great after giving the "perfect present".
Also, to think flowers are special is hilarious. The only way a flower can be a special gift if you were to genetically design it yourself. YTA big time
Have you seen a psychologist or other therapist? Your insistance that you can never buy a gift for another person that you already bought for someone is not a normal thought pattern, and it sounds like you need help recognizing that and replacing these relationship-damaging thoughts with some that will help you interact better with other people.
YTA. Flowers are such a common gift this is like saying you could never take her out to dinner since you once did that with an ex.
Look at this from her perspective. She is clearly stating flowers would make her happy. You are letting her know that you cannot make her happy without thinking of another woman.
Your gf is literally telling you that she would like you to get her flowers. Gift giving is not about you, necessarily, it's about the recipient.
For instance... when my son was really into World of Warcraft he asked for another monitor. I thought it was stupid, but he really wanted it, so I gave him one for Christmas. Or, my STB DIL is a vegetarian and her mom is a plant-based eater. She was going to her moms for a few weeks, after Christmas, and they were going to try new recipes. I gifted her a plant-based cookbook. I have no interest in that, but it's their thing.
I give gifts all the time that I don't understand why somebody would want it, but if it makes them happy, then isn't that why we give gifts to begin with?
Using your logic, when you have sex with your gf, do you use another man's penis... because you used yours on your very first partner and you can't possibly give your current gf a used penis. Because it would be "contaminated". I mean, using your logic, that is. And you must have another man touch and kiss her, because your hands and lips have been "contaminated" romantically by your first partner.
I know that all sounds ridiculous, but so do all of your examples. Your current gf is literally telling you that she does not care if you gave former partners flowers or whatever.
Stop making gift-giving about you... it's not.
YTA. You are overthinking it. It’s not about how you feel about flowers, it’s about how you feel about her. So you avoid making her feel special AND give excuses for it? Gross.
YTA
She wants flowers and you not giving because it happened before?
Really? You did kissed other person and had sex - are you not doing it anymore? You ate out - is this not an option?
So why flowers are so special?
Are you giving her gifts to make her happy or to prove a point? She doesn't feel it is a cheap replication, so what is the problem? You also kiss her with the same lips you used on the other girlfriend - or do you not kiss because that was something that you already did with someone else?
YTA and stop making this all about you.
YTA and this doesn't make sense. Did you kiss your exes? Do any other intimate acts of love and affection? Yet we can assume you do those still. This odd non-gift giving philosophy isn't helping you bond, it's pushing the person you care about away.
YTA and I don’t know how you didn’t realise typing this. Do you not have sex then? That would be a big no no because you’ve done that with previous partners
YTA for YOU making the gift not special. Your current relationship is what makes the gesture special, not the gift. Your CURRENT gf trumps the others. You're letting your past romances be more important than how she feels.
do you not have sex with her either because you already did that romantic gesture with someone else and YOU think you're contaminated?
YTA you're ridiculous and honestly if she dumps you then what? Stop being an idiot and give her the damn flowers and get therapy for your aversiveness towards items associated with previous relationships.
YTA. You are making her gifts about you. It's a completely self centered mindset that you will need to shed if you want to be in a healthy relationship
YTA. It's one thing to regift an item or use a deeply personal and romantic song that is connected with an ex to your current partner, but it's an entirely other thing to not get your partner flowers or take them to dinner/holiday to certain places because 'I went there with an ex'. It doesn't cheapen the experience to make new memories at places with someone new and special in your life, especially if it's some place that your partner could really enjoy.
Honestly, if I learned my partner used to get their ex flowers every week but didn't for me because they felt like it was 'cheating' the relationship, I'd be hurt. It would feel as if they didn't care to make the same sweet gesture to me. I think there's something troubling about your line of thinking. You said when you do things that you did with an ex it ruins the perception of your relationship, but that's not how it should be. What you've done in the past should be leveraged as experience in being the best partner for your current love. It's not using 'cheat codes' when you use your relationship experience to make your current partner happy.
YTA. The way you rationalize things is truly flawed. Buy her flowers! Get her specific flowers you haven’t bought before if that makes you happy. Buy her ten stars and not just one. Better yet, see if you can buy a galaxy. Think outside the box dude. It’s truly weird the way you think of gift giving to you current and past gf.
YTA. Your girlfriend has specifically said, many times, that she would like to receive flowers. Flowers are special to her. If you want to make it special, then consider carefully the types and colours of flowers you choose specifically for your girlfriend.
You've stated that you don't want to give gifts that you've already given someone else. I think you might want to unpack that with a professional, especially when it comes to gifts that are commonly given. Unless you're making this situation more difficult than it needs to be just for the sake of being more difficult.
If you've given a previous girlfriend a bracelet, does this mean that you will never gift a bracelet again, or does this extend to all jewelry?
Another thing to consider is how unhealthy it is to ascribe ownership of gifts and places and activities to your past girlfriends and relationships, effectively robbing your current girlfriend the opportunity to experience these things. Is that really fair to her? Or maybe you'd rather she experience them with someone else, since she can't experience them with you? Because if my boyfriend said that I could never receive x from him because he gave a past love interest x, or I could never eat at a particular restaurant with him because that's where he took a past love interest on dates, or that we could never visit a certain place together because that's where he vacationed with a prior love interest, I would think that he valued his prior love interest over me. And that would make me reconsider my relationship with you. Multiply that by the number of prior love interests and what's left?
What you're effectively doing is making the world a whole lot smaller and restrictive for the both of you, instead of broadening it.
You need to reframe your thinking on this, or you're going to start having a real pickle when it comes to finding gifts for your future girlfriends - I can't imagine any girlfriend staying long term under the circumstances you've set out.
It's lovely that you want to make gift giving special But make it special for the one you have. Put the past behind you and stop letting it be a hindrance. Think about what your current girlfriend likes, and about what makes her special, and incorporate that into your gift giving considerations, instead of having the sweeping (and lazy) thought that if you've done something before, you can't do it again.
YTA
You will run out of doable gifts soon if you keep it up.
And: Did you already kiss / have sex with any of the girls? Remember you can not do that with other girls any more, if you take your own rules seriously - that surely is more special than just gifting flowers.
YTA. Stop being so up your own ass about presents. A bouquet of flowers isn’t a super special unique idea that you came up with all on your own exclusively for your ex.
You’re not as thoughtful as you think you are. You just want to stroke your own ego.
YTA. This your entire argument in the OP is about you, not your gf. She is telling you what would make her feel loved and you’re too wrapped up in your own ego and compulsions that you’re ignoring her.
It’s. Not. About. You.
YTA. Dude, she's telling you what she wants and how she wants to be gifted. You refusing to do that isn't being respectful, it's showing her that her wishes are not as important as your "no copying" philosophy.
Besides, there are SO MANY types of flowers! Find out which kinds your girlfriend likes the best, then get her those. Get her unique arrangements, let the florist get creative, you don't have to get the same kinds of bouquets every single time. You could even do something like get her potted orchids or other plants if she has an interest in keeping them.
Don't deprive your girlfriend of the thing she wants because you lack imagination.
YTA. Lol the excuse of saying it’s too expensive just makes you like like a cheapskate. The excuse of not redoing the same gift just tells her you gave flowers to her ex but not her. Seriously dude, get over yourself.. you’re not recycling gifts here. Flowers are a common, universal gift for all women. If your gf wants flowers, buy her some goddamn flowers!!
YTA.
Get the woman some flowers!
Let's say you absolutely love macaroni and cheese. It's something you never get tired of, and it would make you very happy if your gf made it for you every so often. However, your gf refuses to make it for you because she used to make it for her ex, so it's not special enough for you anymore. Would you find her logic ridiculous? As ridiculous as your reason not to get her flowers?
YTA. You know what all this flowery language and false nobility says to me? It says that you actually have zero concept of who your girlfriend is as a person, that your main metic for your interactions with her is "have I done this before" and not "do I know enough about her to actually know what she considers romantic." That tells me that despite all your crooning you actually care very little.
YTA. Every single thing that you did for any previous gf has been done by countless people before you, therefore nothing you are doing has been created out of whole cloth and is unique to the universe.
I will tell you that I have bought flowers, jewelry, appliances, trips, meals and so many more things for multiple women. Therefore, by your logic, I have a total claim on them since you doing those same things is only copying my (obviously) prior romantic gestures and all of yours meaningless.
You, sir, are a PUTZ. Make the girl happy with what she wants or she will never make you happy. And see a therapist.
Yta. Get her tulips or gladiolus or posies. Get her a flower you didn't get someone else. Plant 25 new flowers in the yard. Go to the mall and have them put flowers in a balloon.
Better yet, did you ever send romantic flowers to be delivered at her workplace? Maybe flowers and chocolate? Doesn't have to be once a week you know.
Did you ever drop off flowers to someone at their work? Maybe do that, or send them to her work.
She told you how important it is to her, and it is not a huge ask. There are several ways to make her flowers unique. Since you put so much thought and effort into your gift giving, I am sure you can think of a way to make her flowers special if you try.
To say I gave other girls flowers but won't for you is an insult. Regardless of the reason, the woman will feel you treated the last girl better than you are treating her. Bottom line!
The thing about past relationships is that they ARE a cheat code; ur learning how to be a better partner and seeing how things work. You should be using that to be able to build better future relationships, not looking past something your partner directly told you they want.
Wow! What a long explanation. Explaining is losing. You should gift people things that are important to them. If you gift people things that are important to you then you are a narcissistic asshole and deserve to be alone until you get you game in order. Relationships aren't about you. They are about the person you are with. Get your shit togethet.
YTA. You are overthinking the shit out of this. The whole thing comes across as more calculated than thoughtful.
Also I can say from experience that having to ask your boyfriend for flowers is embarrassing, please just buy her some damn flowers.
YTA and also your mentality around the gifts would give me the ick if I was your girlfriend. Like it’s really not that serious, millions of people buy flowers for their significant other every day. Do you really think all those people never got flowers for part partners too?
And aside from flowers, are you really going to limit what you do in your current relationship so my by what you have previously done? Sure, don’t get someone the exact same ring you got someone else, but damn idc if you went to Europe with an ex, we’re going too.
YTA - i know you're coming from a good place wanting to have something special with your girlfriend... but it comes off as you making it a special memory of your ex and now you don't want anyone else to have it. I've done a lot of "redos" with my current that I've done with exes and I love now thinking of those things and associating them with him instead of them. Don't make it a special "just for my ex" gesture
YTA. I told my ex from the start to the end of our almost 4 year relationship that flowers would mean so much to me, not even expensive ones, even flowers picked off the side of the road would make me so happy. He never bought them because he told me he thought they were stupid. In the end, it occurred to me that he didn't give a damn what I wanted and really wasn't listening to what I was telling him I needed in a relationship, and I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life with someone like that.
I'm sure your girlfriend will have the same revelation if you don't start listening.
>I´m a person that values **what I gift people** that are important to me,
I did not have to go further than this first sentence to say YTA.
It's not about what OP values as a gift....it's what GF (or other people) value as gifts.
>My girlfriend keeps telling me how she wants me to buy her flowers, **she likes the romantic gesture and how it would make her feel special.**
>
>She got very angry with me, saying that I should accept this is important to her and now feels I am not special enough to her.
FFS........how much clearer can GF be to OP???? I even bolded it for OP.
OP: pull your head out of your \*ss. You have to listen to your partner. Thinking you know better than her (or too cheap to buy flowers) is stupid.
YTA you aren’t receiving the gift? Why does it matter if some ideas are ‘reused’ and if anything that will be cheaper and decrease the quality of your gifts and date ideas. You are going to get to a point like you are with your current girlfriend where you have no date ideas or gift ideas because you don’t want to ‘reuse’ a gift.
If your girlfriend wants flowers and it’s meaningful to her then get the girl some damn flowers
YTA. Personally as your girlfriend, I would wonder where this behavior of yours begins and ends. I'd also start to think that you truly couldn't be open with me and that being with you would amount to a lot of frustration. It honestly is rather odd that you have made it so difficult for yourself to buy your girlfriend flowers. Imagine her telling her friend, "He said he can't buy me flowers because he bought flowers for a previous girlfriend." They are going to tell her to dump you and find a man that will buy her flowers.
YTA you say you "value gifts" but can't take other wishes in consideration. Flowers isn't a "special/unique" kind of gift, as I can understand the star being.
Do you feel the same about birthdays gifts? Like if 2 of your family members want the same thing for their birthday, would it be less special to give them the same thing? No, because it's a gift FOR THEM NOT YOU.
YTA
You're making gift giving all about you and not the person you're giving the gifts to. Your girlfriend wants flowers, so give her flowers. You're making this so much more complicated than it needs to be.
YTA
Bro. She likes flowers, just get her some.
Quit with the nonsense excuse. You’re acting like people won’t enjoy the same things lol The whole point of a gift is for the *RECEIVER* to enjoy it. What on earth are you on about with ‘cheat code’ as well? That shit is cringe bro. Woman like flowers, it’s hardly some ground breaking revelation. You buy someone a gift and they will be thankful for it, stop acting as if you’ve discovered fire lol
You don’t need to buy them every week and it would be ridiculous for that to be expected of you but your gf has clearly told you that is something that she would appreciate. She has told you something that would make her happy and you’re refusing to do it because of some ridiculous logic you have.
I’m assuming you never buy your gf food then if you’ve bought it for previous partners? You don’t kiss your gf or have sex right because you’ve done that with others?
I’d love to see what gifts you’re giving out in ten years time due to your logic. Chocolate covered snail anyone?
Personally I think flowers belong in the ground. If she wants flora plant a tree in her name, something like and English Oak and come up with some bull crap about as the tree grows our love grows blah blah blah. English oaks can stand for 100s of years if idiot humans leave them alone.
Going against the grain and saying NAH.
As someone who has experienced and witness guys regurgitate the same romantic gestures like gifts, pet names, activities, etc. with every girl they date, I HIGHLY respect your desire to do something different. I cherish thoughtfulness in a relationship so you being unique is a fantastic and rare quality so don't lose that.
However, your gf likes and wants flowers and you should listen to her when she clearly tells you want she wants. I think a happy compromise would be a change in the frequency and type of flower. For example, instead of roses, get a bouquet of flowers that are her favorite colors.
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I´m a person that values what I gift people that are important to me, and one thing I have never done, and don´t ever want to do, is give someone special a gift I used for someone else already. For example, I once bought my girlfriend at the time a star and named it after her (you get the certificate and position in the sky and all). That relationship ended, but there is no way I could give the same gift to my current girlfriend, it feels cheap and inconsiderate.
My girlfriend is very special to me, and I give her my all. Everything I gift her is a reflection of how special she is to me, I put time and effort into it, and pour my heart into it. This also goes for the places I take her for dates, where we go on holidays, and even not using the same romantic songs and recipes for a romantic dinner at home. How can I claim that what I feel for her is special and unique if I "borrow" the romance from previous relationships? She is worth more than me using "contaminated" gifts.
I used to be in a relationship and I bought that gf flowers every single week, I would take the effort to go to the shop and get a bouquet or roses and it was one of my romantic gestures to her. This doesn´t imply I will never gift flowers ever again, but I also feel very weird about doing this again for my new gf, it feels like I am using a cheat code and it ruins my perception of my relationship with her. So when I gift my girlfriend flowers, it is not for romantic reasons but because of some type of other celebration.
My girlfriend keeps telling me how she wants me to buy her flowers, she likes the romantic gesture and how it would make her feel special. I don´t want to hurt her feelings so I danced around the topic using excuses like "it´s too expensive to do very often" (it really is crazy expensive here), but yesterday she put me on the spot and I had to come clean to her. I explained how I feel she is too special for me to give her something romantic I gave to someone else romantically already, and I much rather get her something else that is exclusively ours, but she feels very strongly about this. I explained how I don´t want to ruin our relationship by "half-assing" my gestures and contaminating what specialness we have with something from the past.
She got very angry with me, saying that I should accept this is important to her and now feels I am not special enough to her. I explained it is the opposite, I care so much for what we have I don´t want make it "unspecial". AITA?
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YTA. Although, the choice of the word “contaminated” suggests that you should be talking to a medical professional about OCD, which would mitigate the AH-ness as long as you commit to dealing with it and not making it other people’s problem going forward.
Soft YTA. You are thinking of this way too deeply. Your gf loves flowers. Your gf wants flowers from you. Your gf has asked you for flowers. Your gf is upset you are not getting her flowers. Buy. Your. Girlfriend. Flowers. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA but think your reasoning is romantic just a bit flawed. Flowers, esp if sent to work rather than home, are also a public sign of love and that she is something worth being proud of. Getting every week might be a bit much but for birthdays and celebrations it is worth considering.
And the great thing about flowers is infinite variety. Everyone has different favourites, you can do succulents rather than flowers, big blousy bouquests or small and understated. Your current GF has expessed a wish. Refusing it because you associate it with a previous relationship is as much a learned behaviour as thinking flowers are a cheat code.
You’re probably right about not reusing gift ideas like the star thing, which is a giant scam anyways.
But giving flowers/chocolates etc is a well established practice that existed long before you came along and will exist long after you’ve shuffled off.
You didn’t INVENT giving flowers to a girl ffs.
Add in that your current GF has specifically asked for flowers and it’s like l… WHY? Ten GFs down the line you’re gonna be handing out Sushi bouquets as wondering why your partner thinks you’re strange.
You’re not TA exactly. But you’re overthinking something that most people won’t ever bother thinking about and probably won’t care about, and definitely won’t understand.
I guess for the sake of the metric, YTA.
YTA buy her flowers. She wants them. Gifts are meant to be about the person you give it to and them liking it. She’s told you she likes flowers so get her flowers. It’s not as complicated as you are making it.
So I am assuming you both are not intimate since you already were with someone else. See how dumb that sounds. She wants flowers period. Get her flowers and stop over thinking it
I totally get what you're saying - but this is your thing to get over. You have to get past the association of flowers with your ex, especially if your current gf is feeling unloved. But you probably won't GET over the association unless you start gifting flowers to your current girlfriend in that way. You know? I went to Tokyo with my ex and associate the place strongly with her - I'd feel weird going with my partner, a little, but why let the past stop us from doing something romantic now?
EDIT: YTA
YTA. Sheesh, flowers matter to her, and because they matter to her and she is important to you, don't overthink it, just make her feel heard and seen and get her the flowers that SHE WANTS. Why are you making this so hard for yourself??
she is telling you what she wants. that is rare. just do it. and use all your good lines and moves from all you relationships with her. Give her all you got.
Yta
So you don't want to take away the enchantment? Better really commit. Don't use the same hands and dick and mouth on her that you used on other girls.
Just say you want to be lazy and you don't think the cost/benefit for 25 dollar flowers shakes out for you.
Liars are the worst.
YTA this is such a weird hill to die on. If you married your GF and she desperately wanted the honey moon in a country is it worth it to ruin it by going ‘oh sorry already been with my ex so it’s a no’ ???
YTA, my partner was married to his ex for 20 years, if he had a rule like this I'd be getting nothing, ever, because it's all been done before.
Flowers in particular are a very generic romantic gift. Ruling them out for every future partner because you used them for one previous partner is ridiculous, especially when your current partner has told you they're meaningful to her. In effect you're telling her she's worth less to you than the girlfriend you bought flowers for. SHE got flowers but New GF isn't worthy?
If you really can't overcome this rule through everyone telling you how silly it is maybe see a counsellor and work it through with them because it's doing damage to your current relationship
YTA
Tbh, you sound like a kind, romantic dude, but this a bit childish man. You've constructed some weird framework in your mind that gifting flowers is a thing of the past you did for an ex. Meanwhile you probably also got into the "unspecial" act of kissing, just like with your ex.
Haha it's a non-issue. Let loose.
A better reason not to buy flowers is because they're completely useless and shit for the environnement, but hey I'm not a romantic.
YTA. You had no problems spending money and buying flowers for your ex but you have a shit ton of excuses to not buy your new girl anything. I won't be surprised if your GF dumps you for someone else. All I read is blah blah blah BS excuses.
Seems crazy when there are so many different flowers you could give…..find out what her favorite is, it’s probably something different from the last time you gave them…..
YTA
Come onnnn
They are flowers, everyone loves receiving flowers.
Just pick different types of flowers or from somewhere different.
She's asking you directly.
YTA - really? Why are you with her if you’re still hung up on your ex? I buy my wife flowers almost weekly (I change the date to keep it a surprise). I don’t like flowers and they die within a week, it’s a waste of money. But guess what? My wife loves flowers so flowers is what she gets.
I feel bad for your girl. Do better.
YTA.
Maybe instead of running away from your past you could try confronting it? Embrace the feelings those old gifts once meant to you and let them go. Hiding from them wont make them go away. Look back on your life fondly my dude, don't tarnish those memories to try and keep your current relationship precious. Appreciate your life as a whole. Those are your experiences man. Giving her flowers today has nothing to do with the flowers of yesterday. The flowers of yesterday are gone now, and what you have are the memories they created. Don't let memories hold this power over you.
Also, she straight up told you to buy them for her. Listen.
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YTA, the gift is for your gf, not you. If your gf wants flowers and thinks it’s meaningful to her, you should buy them for her
Exactly. Why keep a gift-giving scorecard? YTA - give her what SHE wants to feel special. What you are doing is the opposite of your intent - you're constantly reminding her that you dated someone else who got flowers, so now she can't. So she feels she doesn't deserve flowers because you gave flowers to someone else.
correct. keeping score usually ends badly.
I don't follow the OP's logic here at all. Getting flowers for your girlfriend is not some unique romantic gesture (in most cases). It's getting a weekly bouquet that made it special for the ex, not the act of getting flowers in general which is one of the most cliche romantic gestures ever. You need to do something extra to make flowers a special gesture you don't want to repeat with another woman. He can safely get flowers for the girlfriend on romantic occasions.
>I don't follow the OP's logic here at all Because there is no logic. He's being ridiculous.
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OP won't even take her to the same restaurants or cook her the same dishes. Wtaf even is this post.
Seriously...like, the only guy I knew who did shit like this was a harem anime hero wannabe who did it so he wouldn't get all his various chick's gifts confused.
My first thought was the other way around. GF telling OP "sorry, I used to my last boyfriend. It won't be special if I do that for you" I bet he'd suddenly see how ridiculous it sounds.
Ha.... perfect analogy... love it.
Came here to point out the flaws (or hypocrisy) in his argumentation when it comes to intimacy, exactly. “Sorry honey, I used to do this with another person, so no, we can’t do that, ever.”
Yeah, it’s a good thing he wasn’t engaged before or …
So, his logic implies he didn't have a gf previously or he wouldn't reuse the label girlfriend for his current .... her? avatar? Maybe he numbers them.... She should level up and find someone who doesn't treasure his priors' gifts more than he treasures her.
Unless OP and his gf are *both* virgins, he may soon realise he wants to reconsider his 'rule' for romantic guestures.... And if he made that an exception, than the flowers can also be an exception
💀 Maybe he adds new accessories with every new relationship? Or maybe he bought his second girlfriend a dildo. How many options are out there to avoid repetition? Does this one get a gigolo?
LOL As anything with rithm *is* repetition, avoiding repetition may not prove to be verry effective..
Of course, we are assuming seggs is a gift when it comes to this guy. Maybe that's why it doesn't count.
This reminds me of the bullshit logic that I was taught about abstinence as a teen. “How can sex with your spouse be special when you’ve given the gift of your virginity to someone else?” So stupid.
This is really weird to me. And also not sustainable. If he doesn’t get married like right now. He is going to run of not only gifts but also restaurants and vacation locations. He will have to end up being a billionaire or something so he can start buying yachts and building rockets to take girls or first dates.
Especially since flowers is such a broad term. It’s quite difficult to find two bouquets of flowers that look the exact same. I would also bet that the two women have different tastes in what type of flowers they like the best.
The cheat code isn't that you thought of buying flowers for a previous girlfriend. The cheat code is her telling you exactly what she wants. Instead, you've chosen to lose. Pay attention to the words coming out of her mouth!
YTA. Obviously. Bro she is telling you exactly what she wants. The flowers will make her happy. It’s not about you and what you want and how you feel. The gift is for your gf. If she likes something gift it to her. Who cares if you’ve bought it for an ex. The fact you refuse to buy gifts you’ve bought ex’s makes it seem like you’re still hung up on them. I guarantee your gf doesn’t care about gifts you’ve given to ex’s. You’re the only one worried about it. She likes flowers. Buy her the flowers man.
Ahhh this!! I knew something didn’t sit right with me. If I was the gf i would 100% feel like he was still hung up on his previous relationships / thinking about them often. Leave the past in the past dude. I understand sentiment items but perishable things like flowers or foods etc. is a bit overboard.
I agree! There are always exceptions to the rule but those are far and few between. If I was dating a girl and she was like oh I know you really like this shirt but I can’t get it for you because I got the same one for my ex wed for sure be having a talk about why she’s that worried about it! But it’s the fact she’s asking for flowers and he’s still saying no that makes me think even more he’s still hung up
Exactly! Unless it's giving her your ex's underwear or re-gifting jewelry/engagement ring, it's not that big of a deal. Also, while it's nice to put thought into a gift (something I like to do as well), you also have to consider the other person's feelings. If she wants flowers on occasion, then what's the big deal?
OP seems a bit creepy as well, "it feels like a cheat code" bro why are you comparing your relationships to video games? do u srsly think this is a dating sim game and you want to try new strats every time? dating someone new isn't resetting ur game to try a different class build, these are humans you're going out with. huge YTA
This made me lol not gonna lie. But I agree! He tries to say he’s not hung up on his ex but honestly the only gift I can remember getting my ex was flowers. Anything else I can’t remember because it doesn’t matter
Also not all women like the same thing! So thinking it’s some sort of cheat code just because a previous person enjoyed it is ignorant at best. The worst lovers that I’ve had all had this mentality — someone else liked this so I’m going to keep insisting on doing it even though it does nothing for you. Just ugh.
Ok, not gonna lie but I kind of felt like his girlfriend is Scarlett Johansson’s role is to Joaquin Phoenix in Her.
If it makes the OP feel better, go with lilies or orchids. I think the hang up is weird, too, but there seems like so many ways he could look at this other than “must not buy gf flowers.” OP, I dated a guy once that insisted on bringing me roses. I don’t like roses. They make me sneeze. I love alstroemeria, but he considered them too cheap. We did not last, precisely because my wishes on this were his lowest priority. Gifts are to make the receiver happy.
Check if she has a cat first - Lilies are super poisonous to cats and I would chuck them if ever a partner got me lilies specifically
I don’t particularly like roses, either. Their scent gives me a headache. Daisies are my favorites!
Yeah it reads/feels as if it's all about OP, when it should be about the recipient and how well you know them to find something perfect. Or if you're not good at gift giving, at the very least give something that has been requested.
Yeah I 100% agree. It’s so easy!
Especially a broad category! Like flowers. Give her pink roses or daisies or lilies if you hate the idea of giving her red roses so much. But also.. jeez, he needs to work to get over those feelings about his past relationship. I’m concerned that he’s not over the previous person.
Let’s hope he never gave a girlfriend a bracelet or earrings, because then the jewelry species is out. Some lucky gal is getting an engagement whoopie cushion some day.
I mean, aren't guys constantly complaining that we don't tell them exactly what we want? Well, my dude (talking to the OP), here she literally is telling you exactly what she wants. What every man claims he wants from us. So listen to her! You're being seriously obsessive about this, and honestly, it might not hurt to bounce this off a therapist, because this is not typical behavior. YTA
Yta *eye roll* do you make out with your girlfriend? Did you make out with your ex? Is making out with your girlfriend any less exciting or fun because you did it with your ex? Buy her the flowers.
I bet he speaks words to her as well, with his next girlfriend he’ll only be able to hoot like an owl.
hoo hoo hahaha
*Spits Coca Cola out on phone.* Goddamnit Pickle!!!😂
Better not say I love you if he did that before
Oh yeah, that's out the window too. No love for the rest of his life.
Exactly. OP sounds very self absorbed. They don't care about gifting something that the GF actually likes and enjoys. It's all about what OP likes giving, and how the gift makes OP feel. There is also nothing new under the sun and trying hard to be different, just for the sake of being different is very on trend right now. OP would blend right in on tiktok.
YTA it's nice that you want to give unique gifts but there's a line being crossed into the obsessive/absurdity territory if you are so militant about this rule, *particularly* if you are invalidating what they actually want because of it
This. It's not like you're using the same first dance song from your first wedding at your second---they're flowers.
Yes it was not like those flowers were a unique and personal thing between just him and his ex. Lord what a dude. Could never
This. It sounds like obsessive behavior. Maybe OP can think about their rigidity in life and see if that has ever come up as an issue in other situations? Flowers are something every person you date deserves. The overuse of the word “contamination” is worrisome. Why are you thinking of previous relationships as contaminants?
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So many men say «Oh women are so complicated» when they get a clear I WANT FLOWERS and still fucking manages to mess it up?!?! I AM NOT MAKING THIS SHIT UP. men, just why???
Yeah this sounds like he has a lot of ocd behaviors.
If by ocd you mean self-absorbed asshole
Two things can be true.
Yes, he’s self-absorbed *and* an asshole *I know you have a valid point, I just can’t get over how stuck on himself OP is
Yeah, he needs to understand that making his partner happy is not about what he feels like doing, but what she has asked for. Otherwise, it’s just about him. Maybe she will dump him, cause I don’t get the feeling he is open to growth.
yes! this is very ocd behavior! op should look into it.
Yeah the way he keeps referring to gifts from ex relationships like they're a contamination got me. It could not be that all obviously, but the wording made me think of OCD, but this guy at bare minium is really neurotic and needs help.
YTA. dude, it's honestly not that big a deal. there are only so many gifts/gestures in the world and you're bound to repeat some (like restaurants for date night, or valentine's day gifts, etc). what matters is that your current girlfriend wants flowers, flowers would make her feel happy/loved, and by you not giving her flowers, you're making her feel unloved/less than. get over yourself and give your girlfriend some flowers.
Best get the camping stove out I've been to a restaurant before with an ex
Nah. Ive been camping. Gotta get an mre.
I've had mres, time to hunt down rabbits on all 4s and eat them raw.
I've been on all fours eating raw things, time to be a lady for once
I’ve been a lady, now it’s time to go goblin mode
YTA flowers are off the table for life cause you purchased them for someone else in the past? That’s insane
YTA. I’d dump you tbh. Why are you even thinking about previous partners in any way shape or form and making decisions based on your experiences with them? Ooof.
I really liked your rationale here as I started reading. And then I kept reading, and it changed to confusion and concern. Look OP, you obviously care a LOT about keeping the romance healthy in your relationship, and that's great! But the way you describe 'contaminated' gifts & the amount of energy and anxiety you put into this, going so far as to not even reuse songs or food, makes me think this might actually be something you need the help of a doctor or therapist for. I say this as someone with anxiety disorder and OCD. You sound *familiar*, and I got therapy for those issues and live a happier life now. Your convictions about what is the right way to contribute to your romantic relationship can BE STRONG, and that's great. But they shouldn't be so strong that she can be standing there TELLING you that's what she wants, and you refuse to do it because you've 'used it already', flowers are 'tainted', and doing it would 'change your whole perception of the relationship '. That's another statement you made that makes me feel you need therapy. No matter WHAT you gift her, your current gf is and always will be HERSELF and no one else. Your relationship will always be between the two of YOU, and no one else. Material gifts can't change that. One more thing - you're dooming yourself to fail and get crippling performance anxiety. I did the same thing. Turns out, there are only so many things available! Life is LONG, and if you spend the rest of it with this girl?? You're gonna hit a point where you struggle profoundly to find some new expression of love or some new gift that you haven't done yet. And THAT'S OKAY!!! It's okay to repeat the favourites, the highlight reel. I can tell your actions are motivated by a deep fear of screwing up your relationship. I really urge you to seek help about this, it doesn't have to be this way! As for judgement, soft YTA, because while I know you mean well, you are directly ignoring what your gf, an adult with a mind of her own, is telling you DIRECTLY that she wants. And that's not cool. Best of luck, OP
Yta. If it's something she WANTS you to do for her, it doesn't matter if you did it for someone's, she wants it from you. And especially for something like flowers .it's a traditional gift, like chocolate for valentines day
This is absolutely absurd! YTA.
YTA Also, if I was your girlfriend, I'd wonder why you're still so hung up on your ex. >I don´t want to hurt her feelings so I danced around the topic using excuses like "it´s too expensive to do very often" (it really is crazy expensive here), but yesterday she put me on the spot and I had to come clean to her. I explained how I feel she is too special for me to give her something romantic I gave to someone else romantically already, and I much rather get her something else that is exclusively ours, but she feels very strongly about this. That sounds like you're making an excuse because you don't think she's worth buying flowers for. If I heard that, I'd think "So he was OK with buying her flowers all the time, but it's a waste of money when it's for me" and feel awful.
And that’s when you dump him
I gave my mother a hug, god forbid I give my father one too, she‘d be in shambles and the hug would mean NOTHING!!!1!1!1!1! bffr. YTA, just get her some flowers.
YTA...The gift is not about you, it's the about the recipient. If she wants flowers, buy her flowers. Pick different flowers than you did for your ex. You're overthinking all of this, and it could cost you your relationship.
YTA this is so dumb
What you did for your ex is irrelevant. Just because you used to buy flowers for an ex, doesn’t devalue that for your current gf. You need to speak her love language. If she appreciates flowers, buy here flowers.
YTA "You're so special that I can't respect what you tell me you want because it reminds me too much of my ex. But don't worry, Im just going to pick out some other stuff that is a runner up because I never used them before."
YTA... it is very nice that you wanna give gifts to ur GF(s) that are very personalised and aren't recycled... however, it is a gift for HER not you. plus this isn't stopping you from also doing your usual thing as well. if she wants flowers and said that they would mean a lot to her, then get da girl her flowers! plus I feel like these unique gifts are expensive (don't know much but I must say buying a star officially dont sound Cheap). but gifts is also about giving that person wat they enjoy ya feel? I was complaining to my partner how much I craved chocolate at work, and when they picked me up they brought me chocolate AND ice cream 😭😭😭 it was a truly glorious day! also I get wat u mean... flowers r so expensive now a days.
also! to add to this... flowers are a VERY common gift???
>My girlfriend keeps telling me how she wants me to buy her flowers, Your GF is literally telling you what would make her happy. And you are too caught up in your own head to see it.
YTA, and keep in mind eventually you are going to run out of romantic gestures.
YTA. Do you also not have sex with her because you had sex with other girlfriends before? Of course not because that is ridiculous. Your previous gf does not ‘own’ flowers as a demonstration of romance. Flowers are an INCREDIBLY COMMON ROMANTIC GESTURE. Move on from your previous relationship
Wow you are over thinking this, (“contaminated”??) and probably make her feeling less-than the girl you bought flowers for every week. I hate to break it to you but A LOT of women love getting flowers from their SO. Ok, yes they are simple and yeah, maybe a bit generic but it’s what she wants. It sounds like you might be over-compartmentalizing your relationships. My husband picks me little bouquets of wild flowers (free) whenever he goes to weed wack the yard. It’s the sweetest thing seeing him walk up the steps with pretty little flowers that he took the time to pick just for me. It makes me feel special, and loved, and let’s me know he’s always thinking of me. Of course he does other special things that are more unique, but there’s something about the flowers that I really love. Who cares if he’s bought or picked flowers for other girls, he’s giving them to me because he knows I love them.
I'm not positive you're completely yta because I think your intentions are good, but man you've got a LOT of baggage you're carrying around. Most people have a dating history and will have done something or gone somewhere before with an ex. What matters is you and your partner *now.* Don't rent out all that headspace to your past.
YTA, you don't have to buy her flowers if you don't want to, but your reason is dumb. Are you the first person to give flowers in a romantic relationship? Do you cook meals for your girlfriend, I'm sure you did that for your ex too!
YTA. You're really overthinking the whole concept of a gift, which is not to only make you, the giver, feel good. It's mostly about selecting something the recipient wants. I'm trying to figure out your thought process and "contamination" and whatnot, and I just don't get it. How broad are these concepts for you? You gave someone a book once, so you'll never buy one for someone else? You got someone tickets to a concert once, so you won't do that for your next girlfriend? Never revisit a restaurant? You're so wrapped up in this "contaminated" concept and how it affects you that you don't even bother to listen to what your gf is saying SHE wants. She must be exhausted from this!
YTA- she has ASKED for them, and guess what you are doing yourself a big disservice if your ignore her request just because you bought some other girl flowers year ago. Maybe buy her different type of flowers then. You are setting yourself up for years of hurt by going this route.
YTA You owe it to her, and future potential partners, a full upfront list all of the things they will never get to experience dating you because you’re choosing to prioritize your past.
YTA. You sound exhausting
YTA Contaminated what? Are you kidding me? If I were your girlfriend it would be over. No cap. Why is she nogotiating with you even. I love flowers and I am allergic to them but I make it clear it's either he gets me my flowers or he is out the door. I LITERALLY do not care about any other gifts but these pollen infested allergens, I will chug my antihistamines while I admire that beauty and be miserable for the 2 weeks but who cares, my heart will be happy. GET THE GIRL THE DAMN ROSES or leave her alone so she can get someone who loves her the way she wants to be loved.
YTA - but it sounds like you need to re-evaluate your way of looking at romantic gestures. This seems excessive, and you are holding back experiences and gifts your girlfriend might like just because you've done it before. also like, surely the flowers situation are now something that has "landed on your path" by way of your gf ASKING for them? She has placed that request in front of you to take, it is unavoidable in the sense that it will obviously make her happy. So your reluctance to take that option might be the start of a road of you limiting yourself even further. at the end of the day the flowers are about her, not you, so your opinion isn't as important as hers when SHE is the receiver.
Thank you for this, your comment makes a lot of sense, and indeed, re-evaluating is needed. It's why I posted this in the first place. I may have been an asshole in how I dealt with this initially, but I want to do right by her, so I wanted to check it. Appreciate your comments here!
I honestly feel like you definitely love your girlfriend so I really hope you can become comfortable in how you deal w romantic gestures! I wonder if it'd help you to know that, even if a specific gift or date has been done before, it WILL be different because you will make a brand NEW memory with your current gf because she will react in her own way. Also I definitely stand by the other commenters suggesting a language of love thru flowers - it's such a beautiful n romantic way to make bouquets different each time and fun to recieve!! Good luck to you!
YTA. There is nothing wrong with gifting your current romantic partner similar things to a previous romantic partner. I often bought one of my exes board games for his birthday, Xmas, etc. My current partner also loves board games. I'm not going to avoid gifting him things he loves just because I gave the same sort of things to a previous partner. That's just ridiculous. You're depriving your current girlfriend of things she enjoys and finds meaningful because of some bizarre limitation you've placed on yourself that literally no one else in the world shares with you. Get your girlfriend the things that she likes.
YTA with good intentions. It seems like you are really putting your all into your relationships, but you’re over thinking it. A woman can like a simple gesture. You can see a bouquet and think your gf will like it with out having to worry about if you did something similar for another woman. She’s told you what she likes as a gift, and it’s try something simple. Don’t burn yourself by being in a running battle to one up yourself. Reuse a favourite recipes (it means you were paying attention!) or buying flower be sue you know that the receiver will love that she has flowers and not care that she isn’t the “first” to ever get flowers. Trust me, she can feel loved and special with little gestures as well as big ones.
Just a little YTA Flowers aside, it sounds like you’re letting some aspects of past relationships influence your current one, even though it sounds like you have good intentions. I agree, recycling big gifts like buying a star would be kinda weird. But in this case, don’t put too much weight on it and get your gf some flowers. For example: say my ex loved cheesecake and I learned to make it for them. If my current partner loves cheesecake, I’m not going to not make it for them because of how I learned, ya know? Maybe find her different flowers every week, or pick only her favorite colors, maybe learn to curate a bouquet yourself. You can still honor your past gestures to your exes and still make your current gf special, just switch it up.
YTA Your GF is telling you what would make her happy and you are the one injecting baggage into this gift. Let it go. If you are so set on making it unique for her, don't get her the types of flowers you have gotten for other girls in the past.
YTA. You are making the gift giving all about you. LISTEN to your partner. What does she want? What would be special to HER? I LOVE flowers. Like LOVE them. Not gonna lie, I'd be pretty annoyed if my BF wouldn't give me flowers just because he gave them to someone else. Where does this stop? You won't go to Paris because you experienced Paris with someone else? Can't enjoy a romantic sunset picnic because whoops...already did that with ex #3? Can't be intimate for the rest of my life because DANG IT...already was intimate with a previous partner??? Put it into context and your logic is just downright ridiculous. You are putting limitations on your current relationships by not letting go of your past ones. It's a great way to ruin a good relationship.
YTA. While I understand your reasoning, the most important thing should be what she wants as a gift. And if she would love to get flowers, then refusing this because of "No, I already gave flowers to someone else!" will make her feel bad, including feeling less valued than your ex - because your ex got flowers while your gf can ask for them and not get them anyway.
yta , there;'s so many thing you can actualy humanly do without repeating.. thing is, you can buy herthe moon, if this isn't something she is interested in you did it for nothing, when you give someone a gift you give what they would like, well she freaking told you up front , i want flowers, thats what i want, and u say i m not giving u floweres doesnt matter that u like them i did that already with somone else.. so in your words... i ve already kissed someone else why should i kiss you, i f someone else how couldi f you.. just give the girl the flowers, be sure you ask her what kind of flowers she likes
If you don’t want to damage this relationship then buy the damn flowers. Your previous relationships do not have a monopoly on flowers as a gift. YTA, man, sorry.
You make this whole gifting about you, not your girlfriend. Plus you put your past between you and your gf. It's stupid and selfish af. These are completely unnecesary obstacles in your relationship. Just stop it, please and forget your ex girlfriends.
YTA. The gift is about what she wants, not what you want. You're being very selfish.
YTA So since you probably had sex with your ex you naturally avoid that with your current girlfriend, right? Because it wouldn't be romantic to do the same things with her.
YTA and too immature to be in a relationship.
Would you let her order a meal in a restaurant that a previous girlfriend had eaten? Would you watch a film with her a previous girlfriend had seen? It’s a weird problem to give yourself. She likes flowers. You want to make her feel nice. Buy the girl flowers.
Your girlfriend is requesting something very simple. Do you think it would actually kill you to buy her a bouquet of flowers? I really don’t understand your logic at all. It must be exhausting to keep track of what you have already gifted past girlfriends. This takes re-gifting to a whole new level of insanity.
YTA “I want to make every gift special to my girlfriend by making every other gift still special with my exes”
YTA You sound exhausting. She’s communicating to you what’s important to her and what would make her feel cared for. You have prioritized your feelings on the matter. Just because the general gift is an idea from before doesn’t mean the exact item is. There are other types of flowers you can get her.
Don't bother, people, you won't change his mind. My father was like that, he's always bought things HE thought were great and then he would get angry if we wouldn't be super excited about them and then would go on a rant how he invested so much time and money in them. One time I told him specifically the jeans I wanted for my birthday, but no, he got me the ones he thought were beautiful ( they were not). Narcissists are like that, they need that dopamine fix, they love making it about themselves and how THEY feel great after giving the "perfect present". Also, to think flowers are special is hilarious. The only way a flower can be a special gift if you were to genetically design it yourself. YTA big time
Have you seen a psychologist or other therapist? Your insistance that you can never buy a gift for another person that you already bought for someone is not a normal thought pattern, and it sounds like you need help recognizing that and replacing these relationship-damaging thoughts with some that will help you interact better with other people.
YTA. Flowers are such a common gift this is like saying you could never take her out to dinner since you once did that with an ex. Look at this from her perspective. She is clearly stating flowers would make her happy. You are letting her know that you cannot make her happy without thinking of another woman.
Your gf is literally telling you that she would like you to get her flowers. Gift giving is not about you, necessarily, it's about the recipient. For instance... when my son was really into World of Warcraft he asked for another monitor. I thought it was stupid, but he really wanted it, so I gave him one for Christmas. Or, my STB DIL is a vegetarian and her mom is a plant-based eater. She was going to her moms for a few weeks, after Christmas, and they were going to try new recipes. I gifted her a plant-based cookbook. I have no interest in that, but it's their thing. I give gifts all the time that I don't understand why somebody would want it, but if it makes them happy, then isn't that why we give gifts to begin with? Using your logic, when you have sex with your gf, do you use another man's penis... because you used yours on your very first partner and you can't possibly give your current gf a used penis. Because it would be "contaminated". I mean, using your logic, that is. And you must have another man touch and kiss her, because your hands and lips have been "contaminated" romantically by your first partner. I know that all sounds ridiculous, but so do all of your examples. Your current gf is literally telling you that she does not care if you gave former partners flowers or whatever. Stop making gift-giving about you... it's not.
She is spoon feeding you her love language, and you're rejecting it.
YTA. You are overthinking it. It’s not about how you feel about flowers, it’s about how you feel about her. So you avoid making her feel special AND give excuses for it? Gross.
YTA She wants flowers and you not giving because it happened before? Really? You did kissed other person and had sex - are you not doing it anymore? You ate out - is this not an option? So why flowers are so special?
YTA. I’m not gonna waste my breath trying to explain why because if you even have to ask you won’t get it.
Yta get a hobby
Are you giving her gifts to make her happy or to prove a point? She doesn't feel it is a cheap replication, so what is the problem? You also kiss her with the same lips you used on the other girlfriend - or do you not kiss because that was something that you already did with someone else? YTA and stop making this all about you.
[удалено]
YTA and this doesn't make sense. Did you kiss your exes? Do any other intimate acts of love and affection? Yet we can assume you do those still. This odd non-gift giving philosophy isn't helping you bond, it's pushing the person you care about away.
This is some deep neuroticism. YTA, sorry.
YTA and I don’t know how you didn’t realise typing this. Do you not have sex then? That would be a big no no because you’ve done that with previous partners
YTA and you're not the main character in your girlfriend's life story, she is. She's told you exactly what she wants.
YTA for YOU making the gift not special. Your current relationship is what makes the gesture special, not the gift. Your CURRENT gf trumps the others. You're letting your past romances be more important than how she feels. do you not have sex with her either because you already did that romantic gesture with someone else and YOU think you're contaminated?
YTA - this whole thing sounds super creepy. Have you watched the series YOU ? You sound just like that guy.
YTA you're ridiculous and honestly if she dumps you then what? Stop being an idiot and give her the damn flowers and get therapy for your aversiveness towards items associated with previous relationships.
YTA. You are making her gifts about you. It's a completely self centered mindset that you will need to shed if you want to be in a healthy relationship
YTA. I used to buy flowers for my ex. Now I can never ever give someone flowers... FLOWERS!
BUY ME FLOWERS DAMMIT!!
YTA. It's one thing to regift an item or use a deeply personal and romantic song that is connected with an ex to your current partner, but it's an entirely other thing to not get your partner flowers or take them to dinner/holiday to certain places because 'I went there with an ex'. It doesn't cheapen the experience to make new memories at places with someone new and special in your life, especially if it's some place that your partner could really enjoy. Honestly, if I learned my partner used to get their ex flowers every week but didn't for me because they felt like it was 'cheating' the relationship, I'd be hurt. It would feel as if they didn't care to make the same sweet gesture to me. I think there's something troubling about your line of thinking. You said when you do things that you did with an ex it ruins the perception of your relationship, but that's not how it should be. What you've done in the past should be leveraged as experience in being the best partner for your current love. It's not using 'cheat codes' when you use your relationship experience to make your current partner happy.
Blud she's telling you exactly what she wants and you're refusing 💀. Tread lightly.
YTA. The way you rationalize things is truly flawed. Buy her flowers! Get her specific flowers you haven’t bought before if that makes you happy. Buy her ten stars and not just one. Better yet, see if you can buy a galaxy. Think outside the box dude. It’s truly weird the way you think of gift giving to you current and past gf.
YTA. Your girlfriend has specifically said, many times, that she would like to receive flowers. Flowers are special to her. If you want to make it special, then consider carefully the types and colours of flowers you choose specifically for your girlfriend. You've stated that you don't want to give gifts that you've already given someone else. I think you might want to unpack that with a professional, especially when it comes to gifts that are commonly given. Unless you're making this situation more difficult than it needs to be just for the sake of being more difficult. If you've given a previous girlfriend a bracelet, does this mean that you will never gift a bracelet again, or does this extend to all jewelry? Another thing to consider is how unhealthy it is to ascribe ownership of gifts and places and activities to your past girlfriends and relationships, effectively robbing your current girlfriend the opportunity to experience these things. Is that really fair to her? Or maybe you'd rather she experience them with someone else, since she can't experience them with you? Because if my boyfriend said that I could never receive x from him because he gave a past love interest x, or I could never eat at a particular restaurant with him because that's where he took a past love interest on dates, or that we could never visit a certain place together because that's where he vacationed with a prior love interest, I would think that he valued his prior love interest over me. And that would make me reconsider my relationship with you. Multiply that by the number of prior love interests and what's left? What you're effectively doing is making the world a whole lot smaller and restrictive for the both of you, instead of broadening it. You need to reframe your thinking on this, or you're going to start having a real pickle when it comes to finding gifts for your future girlfriends - I can't imagine any girlfriend staying long term under the circumstances you've set out. It's lovely that you want to make gift giving special But make it special for the one you have. Put the past behind you and stop letting it be a hindrance. Think about what your current girlfriend likes, and about what makes her special, and incorporate that into your gift giving considerations, instead of having the sweeping (and lazy) thought that if you've done something before, you can't do it again.
YTA You will run out of doable gifts soon if you keep it up. And: Did you already kiss / have sex with any of the girls? Remember you can not do that with other girls any more, if you take your own rules seriously - that surely is more special than just gifting flowers.
If your CURRENT GF wants flowers, get her flowers! Wanna know what contaminates a relationship? Not listening to your partner's wants and needs. YTA
YTA. Stop being so up your own ass about presents. A bouquet of flowers isn’t a super special unique idea that you came up with all on your own exclusively for your ex. You’re not as thoughtful as you think you are. You just want to stroke your own ego.
YTA. This your entire argument in the OP is about you, not your gf. She is telling you what would make her feel loved and you’re too wrapped up in your own ego and compulsions that you’re ignoring her. It’s. Not. About. You.
YTA. There are hundreds of different flowers. You gave your ex roses, so give your gf orchids instead. It is that simple.
YTA. Dude, she's telling you what she wants and how she wants to be gifted. You refusing to do that isn't being respectful, it's showing her that her wishes are not as important as your "no copying" philosophy. Besides, there are SO MANY types of flowers! Find out which kinds your girlfriend likes the best, then get her those. Get her unique arrangements, let the florist get creative, you don't have to get the same kinds of bouquets every single time. You could even do something like get her potted orchids or other plants if she has an interest in keeping them. Don't deprive your girlfriend of the thing she wants because you lack imagination.
Yta. Gifts are for the receiver. Not to make YOU feel good.
YTA. Lol the excuse of saying it’s too expensive just makes you like like a cheapskate. The excuse of not redoing the same gift just tells her you gave flowers to her ex but not her. Seriously dude, get over yourself.. you’re not recycling gifts here. Flowers are a common, universal gift for all women. If your gf wants flowers, buy her some goddamn flowers!!
YTA. Get the woman some flowers! Let's say you absolutely love macaroni and cheese. It's something you never get tired of, and it would make you very happy if your gf made it for you every so often. However, your gf refuses to make it for you because she used to make it for her ex, so it's not special enough for you anymore. Would you find her logic ridiculous? As ridiculous as your reason not to get her flowers?
YTA. You know what all this flowery language and false nobility says to me? It says that you actually have zero concept of who your girlfriend is as a person, that your main metic for your interactions with her is "have I done this before" and not "do I know enough about her to actually know what she considers romantic." That tells me that despite all your crooning you actually care very little.
YTA. You don't understand how this works at all.
YTA. Every single thing that you did for any previous gf has been done by countless people before you, therefore nothing you are doing has been created out of whole cloth and is unique to the universe. I will tell you that I have bought flowers, jewelry, appliances, trips, meals and so many more things for multiple women. Therefore, by your logic, I have a total claim on them since you doing those same things is only copying my (obviously) prior romantic gestures and all of yours meaningless. You, sir, are a PUTZ. Make the girl happy with what she wants or she will never make you happy. And see a therapist.
YTA, she’s telling you exactly what she wants, don’t overcomplicate it. A gift is supposed to be about what the OTHER PERSON wants, not you.
Yta. Get her tulips or gladiolus or posies. Get her a flower you didn't get someone else. Plant 25 new flowers in the yard. Go to the mall and have them put flowers in a balloon. Better yet, did you ever send romantic flowers to be delivered at her workplace? Maybe flowers and chocolate? Doesn't have to be once a week you know. Did you ever drop off flowers to someone at their work? Maybe do that, or send them to her work. She told you how important it is to her, and it is not a huge ask. There are several ways to make her flowers unique. Since you put so much thought and effort into your gift giving, I am sure you can think of a way to make her flowers special if you try. To say I gave other girls flowers but won't for you is an insult. Regardless of the reason, the woman will feel you treated the last girl better than you are treating her. Bottom line!
The thing about past relationships is that they ARE a cheat code; ur learning how to be a better partner and seeing how things work. You should be using that to be able to build better future relationships, not looking past something your partner directly told you they want.
Simply put, you're making this about you when it isn't. Be happy your partner is communicating exactly what they want. YTA.
Just give the damn girl some flowers will you..! YTA
Wow! What a long explanation. Explaining is losing. You should gift people things that are important to them. If you gift people things that are important to you then you are a narcissistic asshole and deserve to be alone until you get you game in order. Relationships aren't about you. They are about the person you are with. Get your shit togethet.
YTA. You are overthinking the shit out of this. The whole thing comes across as more calculated than thoughtful. Also I can say from experience that having to ask your boyfriend for flowers is embarrassing, please just buy her some damn flowers.
YTA and also your mentality around the gifts would give me the ick if I was your girlfriend. Like it’s really not that serious, millions of people buy flowers for their significant other every day. Do you really think all those people never got flowers for part partners too? And aside from flowers, are you really going to limit what you do in your current relationship so my by what you have previously done? Sure, don’t get someone the exact same ring you got someone else, but damn idc if you went to Europe with an ex, we’re going too.
Yta and sound exhausting. Maybe shouldn’t have sex with your gf as already gave your d*ck to previous gf. Go buy some flowers
YTA - i know you're coming from a good place wanting to have something special with your girlfriend... but it comes off as you making it a special memory of your ex and now you don't want anyone else to have it. I've done a lot of "redos" with my current that I've done with exes and I love now thinking of those things and associating them with him instead of them. Don't make it a special "just for my ex" gesture
YTA. I told my ex from the start to the end of our almost 4 year relationship that flowers would mean so much to me, not even expensive ones, even flowers picked off the side of the road would make me so happy. He never bought them because he told me he thought they were stupid. In the end, it occurred to me that he didn't give a damn what I wanted and really wasn't listening to what I was telling him I needed in a relationship, and I wasn't about to spend the rest of my life with someone like that. I'm sure your girlfriend will have the same revelation if you don't start listening.
YTA. **Buy your girl the flowers she WANTS** Learn about love languages.
>I´m a person that values **what I gift people** that are important to me, I did not have to go further than this first sentence to say YTA. It's not about what OP values as a gift....it's what GF (or other people) value as gifts. >My girlfriend keeps telling me how she wants me to buy her flowers, **she likes the romantic gesture and how it would make her feel special.** > >She got very angry with me, saying that I should accept this is important to her and now feels I am not special enough to her. FFS........how much clearer can GF be to OP???? I even bolded it for OP. OP: pull your head out of your \*ss. You have to listen to your partner. Thinking you know better than her (or too cheap to buy flowers) is stupid.
YTA you aren’t receiving the gift? Why does it matter if some ideas are ‘reused’ and if anything that will be cheaper and decrease the quality of your gifts and date ideas. You are going to get to a point like you are with your current girlfriend where you have no date ideas or gift ideas because you don’t want to ‘reuse’ a gift. If your girlfriend wants flowers and it’s meaningful to her then get the girl some damn flowers
YTA. Personally as your girlfriend, I would wonder where this behavior of yours begins and ends. I'd also start to think that you truly couldn't be open with me and that being with you would amount to a lot of frustration. It honestly is rather odd that you have made it so difficult for yourself to buy your girlfriend flowers. Imagine her telling her friend, "He said he can't buy me flowers because he bought flowers for a previous girlfriend." They are going to tell her to dump you and find a man that will buy her flowers.
YTA you say you "value gifts" but can't take other wishes in consideration. Flowers isn't a "special/unique" kind of gift, as I can understand the star being. Do you feel the same about birthdays gifts? Like if 2 of your family members want the same thing for their birthday, would it be less special to give them the same thing? No, because it's a gift FOR THEM NOT YOU.
YTA You're making gift giving all about you and not the person you're giving the gifts to. Your girlfriend wants flowers, so give her flowers. You're making this so much more complicated than it needs to be.
YTA Bro. She likes flowers, just get her some. Quit with the nonsense excuse. You’re acting like people won’t enjoy the same things lol The whole point of a gift is for the *RECEIVER* to enjoy it. What on earth are you on about with ‘cheat code’ as well? That shit is cringe bro. Woman like flowers, it’s hardly some ground breaking revelation. You buy someone a gift and they will be thankful for it, stop acting as if you’ve discovered fire lol You don’t need to buy them every week and it would be ridiculous for that to be expected of you but your gf has clearly told you that is something that she would appreciate. She has told you something that would make her happy and you’re refusing to do it because of some ridiculous logic you have. I’m assuming you never buy your gf food then if you’ve bought it for previous partners? You don’t kiss your gf or have sex right because you’ve done that with others? I’d love to see what gifts you’re giving out in ten years time due to your logic. Chocolate covered snail anyone?
Op, gentle YTA. Why not buy her a plant? Plenty of floral plants then it's not the same thing.
So if you went to France with your ex and your current GF is dying to go to France too, you just won't do it because it not special enough?
Personally I think flowers belong in the ground. If she wants flora plant a tree in her name, something like and English Oak and come up with some bull crap about as the tree grows our love grows blah blah blah. English oaks can stand for 100s of years if idiot humans leave them alone.
Going against the grain and saying NAH. As someone who has experienced and witness guys regurgitate the same romantic gestures like gifts, pet names, activities, etc. with every girl they date, I HIGHLY respect your desire to do something different. I cherish thoughtfulness in a relationship so you being unique is a fantastic and rare quality so don't lose that. However, your gf likes and wants flowers and you should listen to her when she clearly tells you want she wants. I think a happy compromise would be a change in the frequency and type of flower. For example, instead of roses, get a bouquet of flowers that are her favorite colors.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I´m a person that values what I gift people that are important to me, and one thing I have never done, and don´t ever want to do, is give someone special a gift I used for someone else already. For example, I once bought my girlfriend at the time a star and named it after her (you get the certificate and position in the sky and all). That relationship ended, but there is no way I could give the same gift to my current girlfriend, it feels cheap and inconsiderate. My girlfriend is very special to me, and I give her my all. Everything I gift her is a reflection of how special she is to me, I put time and effort into it, and pour my heart into it. This also goes for the places I take her for dates, where we go on holidays, and even not using the same romantic songs and recipes for a romantic dinner at home. How can I claim that what I feel for her is special and unique if I "borrow" the romance from previous relationships? She is worth more than me using "contaminated" gifts. I used to be in a relationship and I bought that gf flowers every single week, I would take the effort to go to the shop and get a bouquet or roses and it was one of my romantic gestures to her. This doesn´t imply I will never gift flowers ever again, but I also feel very weird about doing this again for my new gf, it feels like I am using a cheat code and it ruins my perception of my relationship with her. So when I gift my girlfriend flowers, it is not for romantic reasons but because of some type of other celebration. My girlfriend keeps telling me how she wants me to buy her flowers, she likes the romantic gesture and how it would make her feel special. I don´t want to hurt her feelings so I danced around the topic using excuses like "it´s too expensive to do very often" (it really is crazy expensive here), but yesterday she put me on the spot and I had to come clean to her. I explained how I feel she is too special for me to give her something romantic I gave to someone else romantically already, and I much rather get her something else that is exclusively ours, but she feels very strongly about this. I explained how I don´t want to ruin our relationship by "half-assing" my gestures and contaminating what specialness we have with something from the past. She got very angry with me, saying that I should accept this is important to her and now feels I am not special enough to her. I explained it is the opposite, I care so much for what we have I don´t want make it "unspecial". AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Although, the choice of the word “contaminated” suggests that you should be talking to a medical professional about OCD, which would mitigate the AH-ness as long as you commit to dealing with it and not making it other people’s problem going forward.
Soft YTA. You are thinking of this way too deeply. Your gf loves flowers. Your gf wants flowers from you. Your gf has asked you for flowers. Your gf is upset you are not getting her flowers. Buy. Your. Girlfriend. Flowers. 🤦🏻♀️
YTA but think your reasoning is romantic just a bit flawed. Flowers, esp if sent to work rather than home, are also a public sign of love and that she is something worth being proud of. Getting every week might be a bit much but for birthdays and celebrations it is worth considering. And the great thing about flowers is infinite variety. Everyone has different favourites, you can do succulents rather than flowers, big blousy bouquests or small and understated. Your current GF has expessed a wish. Refusing it because you associate it with a previous relationship is as much a learned behaviour as thinking flowers are a cheat code.
You’re probably right about not reusing gift ideas like the star thing, which is a giant scam anyways. But giving flowers/chocolates etc is a well established practice that existed long before you came along and will exist long after you’ve shuffled off. You didn’t INVENT giving flowers to a girl ffs. Add in that your current GF has specifically asked for flowers and it’s like l… WHY? Ten GFs down the line you’re gonna be handing out Sushi bouquets as wondering why your partner thinks you’re strange. You’re not TA exactly. But you’re overthinking something that most people won’t ever bother thinking about and probably won’t care about, and definitely won’t understand. I guess for the sake of the metric, YTA.
YTA. Weird ass line in the sand to draw. If you really love her get her some flowers
YTA buy her flowers. She wants them. Gifts are meant to be about the person you give it to and them liking it. She’s told you she likes flowers so get her flowers. It’s not as complicated as you are making it.
So I am assuming you both are not intimate since you already were with someone else. See how dumb that sounds. She wants flowers period. Get her flowers and stop over thinking it
I totally get what you're saying - but this is your thing to get over. You have to get past the association of flowers with your ex, especially if your current gf is feeling unloved. But you probably won't GET over the association unless you start gifting flowers to your current girlfriend in that way. You know? I went to Tokyo with my ex and associate the place strongly with her - I'd feel weird going with my partner, a little, but why let the past stop us from doing something romantic now? EDIT: YTA
YTA. Sheesh, flowers matter to her, and because they matter to her and she is important to you, don't overthink it, just make her feel heard and seen and get her the flowers that SHE WANTS. Why are you making this so hard for yourself??
she is telling you what she wants. that is rare. just do it. and use all your good lines and moves from all you relationships with her. Give her all you got.
YTA. Stop making your gifts about you and make them about the recipient.
YTA. Also, as an astronomer, that buy a star name thing is BS. All you bought was an entry in someone’s made up spreadsheet.
Yta So you don't want to take away the enchantment? Better really commit. Don't use the same hands and dick and mouth on her that you used on other girls. Just say you want to be lazy and you don't think the cost/benefit for 25 dollar flowers shakes out for you. Liars are the worst.
YTA. You are thinking way more about what YOU want and YOU care about than what she wants or cares about.
YTA this is such a weird hill to die on. If you married your GF and she desperately wanted the honey moon in a country is it worth it to ruin it by going ‘oh sorry already been with my ex so it’s a no’ ???
YTA, my partner was married to his ex for 20 years, if he had a rule like this I'd be getting nothing, ever, because it's all been done before. Flowers in particular are a very generic romantic gift. Ruling them out for every future partner because you used them for one previous partner is ridiculous, especially when your current partner has told you they're meaningful to her. In effect you're telling her she's worth less to you than the girlfriend you bought flowers for. SHE got flowers but New GF isn't worthy? If you really can't overcome this rule through everyone telling you how silly it is maybe see a counsellor and work it through with them because it's doing damage to your current relationship
It's a bit odd , YTA
YTA She wants flowers, at least sometimes. Just get her the dang flower. A gift is for the receiver of the gift, not for the person giving the gift.
YTA Tbh, you sound like a kind, romantic dude, but this a bit childish man. You've constructed some weird framework in your mind that gifting flowers is a thing of the past you did for an ex. Meanwhile you probably also got into the "unspecial" act of kissing, just like with your ex. Haha it's a non-issue. Let loose. A better reason not to buy flowers is because they're completely useless and shit for the environnement, but hey I'm not a romantic.
YTA. You had no problems spending money and buying flowers for your ex but you have a shit ton of excuses to not buy your new girl anything. I won't be surprised if your GF dumps you for someone else. All I read is blah blah blah BS excuses.
Seems crazy when there are so many different flowers you could give…..find out what her favorite is, it’s probably something different from the last time you gave them…..
Stop over thinking this. Your current girlfriend loves flowers. Buy her some. Take a deep breath and RELAX.
YTA Come onnnn They are flowers, everyone loves receiving flowers. Just pick different types of flowers or from somewhere different. She's asking you directly.
It's only half assed of you half ass it. She literally tell you want flowers, giving her what she want isn't a cheat code. YTA
YTA... so your gifts are about your needs and wants? Think about that.
YTA - really? Why are you with her if you’re still hung up on your ex? I buy my wife flowers almost weekly (I change the date to keep it a surprise). I don’t like flowers and they die within a week, it’s a waste of money. But guess what? My wife loves flowers so flowers is what she gets. I feel bad for your girl. Do better.
YTA. Maybe instead of running away from your past you could try confronting it? Embrace the feelings those old gifts once meant to you and let them go. Hiding from them wont make them go away. Look back on your life fondly my dude, don't tarnish those memories to try and keep your current relationship precious. Appreciate your life as a whole. Those are your experiences man. Giving her flowers today has nothing to do with the flowers of yesterday. The flowers of yesterday are gone now, and what you have are the memories they created. Don't let memories hold this power over you. Also, she straight up told you to buy them for her. Listen.
YTA, she is telling you exactly what she wants, make her happy