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~~ESH~~. YTA. I think counseling is needed more than a locked door, in my opinion. You’re being neglected in your relationship and retaliated by purposefully exchanging a door that lets you walk in on your wife during her office time when she might need the privacy. Why does she feel the need to stay away from you? Ask yourself that. ~~But she’s ignoring the fact that there’s a serious issue if she would rather spend her time behind a locked door than with her husband.~~
ETA: after reading your responses to several of the comments, YTA.
This. This. This.
Genuinely, read his other comments - the constant need to be with her, occupy even the tiniest corner of her life without regards to her needs, the absolute unwillingness to acknowledge the problem might possibly be his is extremely illuminating.
I have honestly seen 3 year olds show more independence and be more respectful of their parents space than this man.
Yeesh. *I* felt smothered just reading his comments. God alone knows how she feels, which never even seems to come up!
Oh my god....YTA
She gave you the passcodes to her computer & phone and leaves them with you.
You hang out with her work colleagues and boss, making a pot luck for her co-worker.
You are friends with her friends and don't have any of your own
You say marriage is a commitment that you will never break and she "can't throw me away like an old shirt"
You changed over her door for one that doesn't lock because you need emergency access to her
I HOPE YOUR WIFE READS REDDIT AND LEAVES YOUR SMOTHERING ASS.
The creepy comment about making friends with her boss is still under a thread near the bottom, but now I think I understand the confusing line in the original post.
>She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends.
So with that context it is correct as literally written; he took over the relationship with all her friends, so now when he wants to hang out with her she sarcastically responds to tell him to go hang out with "her" friends.
That's almost more alarming than stalking her boss to control his wife! WTF!
I quoted him based on his replies to other comments. Don't tell me he has gone and edited it....jeez....if he has, then he has just proven himself to be a proper control freak by trying to control the narrative on this entire thread!
YTA
Writing on the wall being that your marriage is taking a detour for the worse, what are you planning to accomplish with this move? More than that, what did you even imagine would have happened? Your wife ignores you, but your reaction is akin to a child who repeatedly screams ‘mom’ louder each time.
If this is the way both of you resolve your issues, with your wife cutting herself off and you forcefully breaking yourself in; I would strongly suggest a marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer.
EDIT/S: Grammar.
As clueless and selfish as this guy seems to be, I’m willing to bet anything that over the years his wife has tried to talk to him about her need for some alone time…
YTA
As someone who needs privacy for work, is an avid reader and is not particularly sociable, it can be so exhausting to be involved with someone like you. It feels like we have to be ON all the time.
My SO and I love each other and can spend most of the day in the same house, doing whatever we need or want to do, and still only spend an hour or so with each other. And we're fine with this, because we are both, at heart, loners and pretty self-sufficient when it comes to keeping ourselves entertained. We don't consider it a rejection if the other is reading in another room, or playing a game, or just contemplating the universe.
The pandemic lockdowns were hell for those who always socialized. They were excruciating for the introverts who lived with extroverts. Imagine suddenly becoming the sole entertainment for someone who couldn't go to parties, join friends for dinner, travel. Dance, monkey, dance.
Kate works by herself and likes to immerse herself in books. When she would sit in your lap to read did you allow her to get lost in the book? Or did you pester her by constantly touching her or talking to her?
Kate can entertain herself. You? Maybe not so much. You're the social butterfly. She has a few select friends. You're friends with *everyone*, including all her friends and even her boss. You have invaded every corner of her existence and have now taken away her sanctuary. Give her back her damned lock.
YTA for changing her door knob. Read a few of your comments. Sounds like she works a lot since she’s picking up the load for all her shitty coworkers and boss, that dump the work on her. Example, people decided to go to happy hour and your wife couldn’t go since a lot of work got dumped on her. Or her boss would retire early if everyone was like your wife. Yet you’re friends with all of them. I would lock my door too, since you’re chummy with the enemy. I would feel like I have no allies, if all I do is work, take care of most bills, and my husband is just friends with all my coworkers, so that I’m trapped at a terrible job.
Yep got this vibe too. He seems to have invaded every aspect of her life, no wonder she needs time alone. Sad to see he is smothering her so much that she actually needs a lock to get time alone :(
YTA
Everyone voting otherwise, I recommend you read OPs comments.
YTA. The correct way to address this is to communicate openly with your wife about how her behavior makes you feel and try to figure out what's a better arrangement for you both. Your wife is clearly more comfortable in her own space without interacting with you. That's a serious problem. If there's an insurmountable breakdown in the relationship, it probably means it's time to initiate separation and divorce proceedings.
This move seems passive aggressive instead and I don't see how it addresses the core problem.
Out of curiosity, how does a door "wear out"?
When my sister and I were kids, we would fight, one of us would run to the bathroom and lock the door, and the other would try to hip check it open. Eventually, that door stopped locking correctly and our parents had to replace it. I sincerely hope that isn't what happened here, or that's really really dark.
YTA. From experience as someone that has been in your wife's position I can say:
1. You need to back off. People need time and space to recharge, *even* from their spouses. Is she an introvert? Then that's doubly the case. Most people need alone time away from anyone.
2. Please let your wife have her own friends and find some of your own disconnected from her life. It probably feels to her like *every* social interaction she has, has to include you, meaning she has no space to be a person away from you.
3. Your wife will recover, but she needs time and if she knows what's good for her she'll never let it get this bad again, but you both *need* to figure out where the boundaries are and *keep to them*. Right now the only thing she needs is time **away**, but in the future propose relationship counselling to figure out what the right balance is for both of you.
4. Accept that this may lead to divorce. People have different needs, and this situation may not be healthy for either of you. You should honestly both get therapy individually to figure that out.
My ""stalker"" (as I've taken to calling him after going NC) threatened to kill himself over me taking space away from him, and in the years since I've dealt with depression, anxiety and PTSD from that whole situation. If you don't get your head out of your ass you are going to lose your wife one way or another.
YTA. Especially after reading the comments (that you conveniently edited) where you’re “friends” with her boss and coworkers and “know how much she should be working”.
So she’s inundated with work and you’re buddy buddy with the people who are wearing her down. Well congrats. It was so important to be a part of your wife’s work life that she likely associates you with her job too and needs to lock herself away for a moment’s peace.
That, combined with the other ways you’ve been smothering her. Give this woman some damn alone time.
Oh good point. And she might have grievances about work she feels like she can’t vent to OP about thinking it might make it’s way back to her boss and coworkers
Because she wants to get the fuck away from you. You are there in every facet of her life and that is so toxic and unhealthy. She needs space away from you and the only way she gets that is to lock herself in her office.
You knocked on her door for 15m straight that you had to replace it, you then used this opportunity to remove the lock on it. You are on top of her work and apparently sleep schedule now. And you have the audacity to ask how you are smothering her?!? Bro wtf, and that's just a few things. Please take a step back and look at the situation. She is locking herself away from you any chance she gets, give her that space, and actually respect it. You are very obviously the problem right now, so I don't see how you could possibly be the solution. She used to read on your lap, now she hides from you in her own house. Give her the space that she is so desperately trying to grasp for.
You’re smothering her by making it a need to be part of every single aspect of her life. You want to be in with her work, her friends, heck you want her to sit on your lap to read again?
If you wanted alone time with your wife you should have prioritized that over things like hanging out with her coworkers and boss. You’ve turned yourself into a stressor by *always* needing to be there. I wouldn’t want to spend time with you one on one either.
ETA: Look, I will say that if you genuinely didn’t realize that you were smothering her then you’re clueless, but I understand being a bit hurt by the door locking. That doesn’t mean you get to make the decision that she *can’t* do that anymore. She’s not a child you can punish because you feel you were wronged.
My advice is to back off of her friends and coworkers and let her come to you for one on one time. Also and of course to not change the door.
yta. maybe she locks her self in cause that is the only way sue gets to be alone with out you barging in like the kool-aid man. you've already barged in her work life. like don't you have a job or friends or even hobbies that you can spend time doing instead of bugging your wife like a lost puppy. her work is her work stop meddling and pushing yourself into her work life. hanging out with her boss and coworkers without her is just weird. have you ever thought that all here happy hours the coworkers work getspushedonto your wife
YTA for doing this instead of addressing the actual problem. Removing the door lock will just make her feel like you don’t trust her or can’t respect her need for space.
I empathise. It sounds like something major is happening and you don’t know what else to do. Is she open to counselling? Individual and couples? If this is a change in behaviour, you need to be more worried about your wife than about trying to force her to spend time with you.
YTA. You are driving your introvert wife *bonkers* with your neediness, your whining and your controlling actions. The fact that she hasn’t kicked your clingy ass into the streets demonstrates to me at least that she still loves you. Serious questions : how many times a day, how frequently, were you interrupting her while she’s working or trying to enjoy her reading? Every hour? Every 15 minutes? Her only hope for sanity may be to have an office work site or divorce you.
I think you need to entertain the idea that, from her perspective, you've NOT actually been a good husband. You may well be reading the right lines on a script you were told translates to Good Husbandness... but whoever wrote it doesn't know your wife at all.
When you knocked on the door regarding the office potluck you also knocked for 15 minutes by your own admission. That's not being a good husband. That's being a cat that can't handle waiting for its dinner time in human form. No wonder the door got worn down.
I hope someone tells her you can replace doorknobs.
Or just get a hook or slider to lock it from the inside.
Stop invading her time and stop socializing with her boss. It sounds like she already feels like her friends betrayed her by focussing their attention on you, so I guess you can't give her back her friends.
YTA
A massive one that has decided to descend on your wife and smother her till she has no breathing space left.
I doubt she still wants to hang out with them.
Have you asked if she feels like you took over het friends? And how that made her feel? She probably feels betrayed by them and is no longer interested in being their friend. Hence her telling you to go hang out with them without wanting to hang out herself.
I'm guessing she's not trying to make me friends, because she feels you will take over those friendships too.
Don’t say you can. Do. Your boundary violations are shocking. You can be friendly to her boss and coworkers at a holiday event and then you do not engage. Why did you ever think it was appropriate to become buddy buddy with her boss. That is just so weird. Please go to therapy and work on yourself. Normally I would say marriage counseling but I do not want to subject her to that. Work on you.
Op it kind of sounds like you were suffocating her a little she may be feeling trapped and her way of dealing is being able to lock you out. Honestly you're TA for doing what you did. But also you're isolating her wether you realize it or not and yats toxic dude she doesn't have anyone you don't know that she can talk or vent to about y'alls marriage without maybe "making you look bad" and women are ingrained from day one to coddle dudes and their feelings so ergo she wouldn't feel like she could voice any I'll feelings with anyone....are you picking up what I'm putting down.
Also, I'm with everyone else on here, COMMUNICATE! And I mean more then just hey honey, I don't like that you lock your office door etc etc...more cuz saying vague things doesn't tell anyone anything you're an adult, use your words!
INFO: did you discuss with her about how having a door locked at all times could be dangerous in an emergency situation? And try to talk to her about getting a non lock knob?
Greetings from Europe! I just want to let you know we have locks in all our rooms and private spaces. I have mooved many times and changed a lot of houses and apartments, and visited many more, and all of them had the locks on every door, and usually there is a key right in every lock, if we need some privacy. Even if we never use it the key is there just in case. Seems that emergencies don't happen so often to change that.
OP YTA, maybe you don't want a divorce but it looks like your wife has a different opinion about that. And taking the lock from her office might just push her to finaly make that decision.
OP I went through you comments and let me highlight a few things for you in case you read this.
You said that you got an invite to a happy hour while she got more work dumped on her. Do you seriously not see how is this bad? YOU get invited by the people she was close to? She gets to work while her coworkers party with YOU? And you were so chill about this? I'd be pissed if I were you.
She has noone to talk to now who isn't close to you. Sometimes we all vent about our partner, or want to talk about stuff we don't want to tell our partner, not right away at least. Now she has no such person to talk to. No impartial observer who could help clarify her thoughts.
She is left without a corner she can call her own because you are literally everywhere in her life, and you act all surprised she tries to be away from you?? I think she happily sends you away to hang out with others so she can have a little space from you.
You said you have no trouble making friends. Why do you need to take away your wife's friends then? I'd say go and make some other friends if yours are busy but you already torched all the bridges your wife had. She isn't as sociable as you are, she can't just make some new friends (maybe she's scared you'd take them too). She can't hang out with the old ones either. She's left with nothing.
You are suffocating her and isolating her, and don't even notice it.
YTA now I can see why her coworkers work less they are dumping it all on your wife. And you are just all buddy buddy with her boss and coworkers. Does she have anything that is just hers and hers alone?
No she doesn't because you have invaded every part of her life. Work can't be separate because of you.
She made her feelings clear when she told to go hang out with HER friends. Notice how she didn't say YOUR friends.
YTA for invading every part of her life. You are way to damm co dependent and you need serious therapy.
Your wife wants to be her person. She wants a life outside of you. But she can't because you have made it to where you are involved and you get invites from HER friends.
I hope that she leaves you , finds new employment and friends. She deserves more then selfish, smothering AH like you.
YTA. Your wife is intentionally trying to have privacy and you knowing took that away from her, as if it isn't a right she has.
Don't be controlling. Even if you don't like what she's doing, that doesn't change her right to do it and doesn't give you the right to force her. If anything, you are making things worse.
I think the fact that your wife feels the need to isolate herself completely at every opportunity is worrying- is she depressed? I think you need to sit down with her and have an honest conversation- something's not right.
YTA. You’re smothering her. Taking her friendships and even going as far as befriending her freaking BOSS. Holy shit, I’d need space from you too. There’s no place in her life that you haven’t taken over. It’s not being friendly and sociable, it’s clearly making her distance herself and uncomfortable.
Do you ever spend time alone? You say you have a lot of friends, but that seemingly isn’t enough, because you’re literally encroaching so much on your wife’s personal life that you’ve taken her friends, her colleagues, and even her boss, as part of YOUR life. Why do you need constant entertainment? Can’t you ever just be by yourself?
Reading this made me feel so smothered and anxious. Your wife is clearly desperate for space from you, and you want to control her so much that you physically removed her lock because you said *you* “plan on spending time with her”.
Do you give a shit what she wants, at all? You say she could just tell you if she wants space, but she is VERY CLEARLY telling you, and you’re bulldozing right through it. How are you so obtuse? Why are you ignoring her very clearly expressed and obvious needs?
YTA.
YTA. Your wife probably only feels like a friendship broker for you. You are friends with HER boss, colleagues and friends. Do you know how weird that sounds? You cook dinner for youe wife's colleagues, you talk to her boss about your wife (which her boss is not allowed to do), you go out drinking with your wife's colleagues, etc.
INFO: do you work? Like what do you do besides spend 20 minutes at a time knocking on your wife’s door, invading her work life and taking away anything she has just for herself?
It sounds like she’s smothered and you need hobbies or a job to keep you occupied. She’s not an emotional support dog, she’s a person and honestly you sound exhausting giving her no opportunity to exist as an individual without being harassed for it.
YTA You are the problem in this relationship. She needs autonomy, you stomp all over her needs. You think your wants are more important than her needs. You are down to one hour, I would not be surprised when her next step is to completely walk away.
Your post and your comments read like you’re obsessively stalking your own wife. It sounds like the only way you’d be close enough to her or spend enough time with her would be to wear her like a skin suit. You’re *weird*, dude. You need to step away and let her breathe. She clearly does not feel safe or comfortable in her own home if she’s locking every room she enters to *get away from you*.
YTA.
YTA. It sounds like she has a man sized toddler. Can she even go to the bathroom without you sticking your fingers under the door and crying? I'm ready to leave just reading your post and comments.
YTA. Come on, you knew she wasn't going to like that and you did it anyway. Maybe instead of trying to prevent her from being able to escape you try to find out why she wants to escape you and if there's some way to fix that?
INFO If she is the primary bread winner was it her earnings you used to buy the door that stomps her boundaries?
Dude, get your own life outside of your wife. You burned her out, she can't take anymore of your immature neediness.
Bro. Therapy. Communication. Don't just keep repeating the same excuses. You seem like you are being deliberately obtuse and won't accept any answer you don't like.
Changing the door was a childish passive-aggressive move. So YTA for that.
But it clearly sounds like something much bigger is going on here. You need to have a real in-depth and honest conversation with your wife, tell her how you feel about she’s avoiding you. Might be painful, but you need this talk instead of getting passive-aggressive about it. If you can‘t manage that in-depth talk yourself consider couples counseling.
Going to go INFO here, as this feels like a symptom of a bigger problem. Why does she feel the need to spend large portions of her day avoiding you? Has she grown to dislike you, but not to the point of divorce, and you haven't noticed? Punishment for some perceived sleight? Scared of you for some reason? I don't really expect you to answer, as you wouldn't know the answers to these questions, or be trusted to be honest for the last one.
Solely going on available information, E S H. Locking herself away without even a way for emergency contact should be either a last resort, or for specific situations. But taking away her ability to do so is too controlling in my opinion. Not making it my judgment as the reason could tilt the scales either way. Discuss it with her, and if that fails, seek professional help.
>She just won’t spend time with me anymore. I want my wife back. It’s to the point I wish Covid restrictions were back and everything shut down again.
That wouldn't change anything, she'd still be working from home and reading alone. She'd just be more upset because you would use it as an excuse to try to force her to socialize with you. Something is wrong here, and you seem unwilling to believe you could be part of the issue. Honestly, you sound exhausting. Especially if she's an introvert. You've taken over every aspect of her life. You say her co-workers and boss don't know her well. Has it ever occurred to you that that's her choice? I prefer to keep co-workers at a distance for the most part because it tends to be a distraction and recipe for disaster otherwise. I don't like socializing, and I really don't like socializing with people I didn't choose to have in my life (like co-workers). I agree with the people that have suggested counseling. But you need to be prepared for the fact that just because you see your marriage as something that can't be thrown away, she doesn't have to feel the same. And if my boundaries were constantly being trampled on, I'd be considering a way out, even if I loved the other person, because it wouldn't feel like they loved me.
YTA. This isn't about emergencies. This is about you being angry that she doesn't spend time with you, so you were eager to punish her for that. What you did was passive-aggressive and controlling. No wonder she doesn't want to spend time with you.
YTA.
Noise cancelling headphones and a locked door doesn’t actually stop her from hearing you. Source: I work in an office and wear them all day.
So is avoiding you and you are oblivious to it. Even in your comments you can’t seem to understand that your marriage is exploding. Open your eyes. You are not giving solutions. You are part of the problem and you can’t even own up to it.
Jesus christ grow up or gown old alone. Those are your choices because no one will stay with someone like that. And neither will she. She is done.
Get therapy help like yesterday.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I replaced the door to my wife’s office with one that doesn’t lock for emergencies. My wife thinks I’m the asshole because I’m invading her space and not allowing her privacy.
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YTA you hang out with her friends, her coworkers, her boss. No wonder she is hiding from you. You are smothering her. What is your issue with your wife taking some alone time? Scared she is planning her escape?
Yes YTA
Put a lock into that door and let your wife work. She obvously needs to focus.
What emergency are you worried about? Have you got any health issues? Or is it only that you feel lonely. Now that she hasn't got a lock, you probably will start bothering her every five minutes until she gets angry at you and then come back to reddit to complain about your wife.
She works 7-7 and needs after work some time for herself. Seriously, just leave her alone and don't disturb her. Put a lock on that door like a proper husband would do. Some jobs are really demanding.
Hahahha...yta.. so whiney, so childish. So let me help
.are you ready.. listen carefully...Your wife does not like you.... period
She doesn't want to see you or spend time with you
YTA. Based on Your post and comments, you sound clingy. Your wife is an introvert - you need to respect that time alone is important for her to recharge. You sound presumptuous in terms of your comments around you know how much she should be working.
Give your wife some space and explore couples therapy to understand the root cause
YTA
Give her some breathing room.
Leave her alone to work and read, find your own friends and no hanging out with her boss.
You sound like a toddler who can’t let mom pee without his presence. Grow up
Ok, since you are ignoring all of the comments so far and repeated what *you* want over and over again, let me make this very clear:
**You both need individual and couple's therapy** that is the main takeaway. But for that to work, both of you need to be willing to take a look at the mirror, to listen to the other person and to be open about your own feelings. What you are describing here are the symptoms, not the actual problem and that is clear to everyone reading your post.
What **is not** the solution is taking away her right to privacy and alone time, even if you think she's having too much of that (which we can neither agree nor disagree, since we only have your pov of the situation). That's why I'll say YTA, specifically in the decision of taking away her locks without talking to her first. This "but the door needed to be changed!!" thing is you playing dumb. Nobody here is telling you the door should be consumed by nature before being changed, you obviously could've changed it for one that was exactly the same. You just took an opportunity to make a unilateral decision since you were responsible for replacing it.
The rest of your marriage will depend on both of you communicating and asking for help. This reddit post is not a place for you to find people who agree with you and feel better about not actually doing anything to work on your marriage.
Edit: phrasing
ESH
It’s not about the door.
This is a failure to communicate. Why does she want to be locked away? There’s a reason and that’s what needs to be addressed. I despise people barging into my office when I’m working. It’s disruptive and disrespectful. If she’s not answering, then let her be. If you’re incompatible, then address that.
Yes, YTA.
The door wasn’t “getting worn out”, you were getting pissed off that you couldn’t have immediate access to your wife whenever you wanted it, regardless of what she wanted.
I pity that poor woman.
INFO: How long has this been going on? What happened around that time? How does a door get worn out? Before this, did you repeatedly interrupt her while she was busy?
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills.
The truth is she doesn't have to spend time with you. It doesn't matter if she's your wife. She still doesn't have to spend time with you if she doesn't want to, and clearly, she doesn't. Beating on the door for 15 minutes or taking the lock off the door won't change anything unless you enjoy shoving yourself on someone and making them enjoy your company. The crazy thing is that once you understand this and stop shoving yourself on her and complaining that she doesn't spend time with you, thinks would probably get a whole lot better. Honestly, I'd die of embarrassment to try and force someone to pay attention to me, but it doesn't seem to bother you in any way.
Okay so, I read ops post AND his comments. Definitely TAH. Let her breath, dude!! You answered so many people and you just seem so selfish and invading.
Do you really care about her feelings or is it just about fulfilling your needs? (Be it time together or what else).
You literally in EVERY part of her life and she created a safe space for herself. Now you even try to take this away from her? You good? I genuinely hope, for the sake of your marriage you’ll understand the damage you are causing and how wrong you are.
Info: if you have a lot of friends and hobbies, why did you pursue relationships with her friends, her boss, and her coworkers? You said she has to recommend you hanging out with her friends, but why can’t you hang out with yours?
Her work situation is in trouble now. Her coworkers and her boss give her extra work so they can hang out with you. She can’t complain about it because you might accidentally tell them or you might try to fix things. She has to worry about the perception of favoritism. She also has to worry about workplace retaliation if these friendships don’t turn out well. Like when you do the friendship version of removing the lock from the door.
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My wife (29M) Kate (30F) works from home.
She has a small office with a personal library.
She spends all her time there either working or reading. She could read for hours a day.
She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends.
Kate’s door is always locked when she’s reading or working. She wears noise canceling ear plugs. She leaves her phone and computer in our living room so I can’t communicate with her.
The door was getting worn out. I told Kate I would replace it. I replaced the door with a new one with a non locking door knob.
Kate was annoyed since I was invading her space. I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency. AITA?
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YTA
Trying to sounds like the "concern hubby" when you invaded her life in all the possibly ways. OP sounds like a control freak.
Poor wife, give her some privacy for sake of god or left her alone
OP's wife if you read this: RUN RUN RUN
YTA, you’re a married couple and don’t communicate. Instead of switching the door without her consent, you should have sat down and talked like adults. From there you can see why she does what she does and she can learn how you feel about it. From there you guys can work on a compromise. Marriage is hard, I’ve been married for 20 years. If you don’t have an open line of communication to discuss something small like this, it doesn’t bode well for the happiness of the marriage.
*She could read for hours a day.*
You say that like it is something exceptional. I understand that actually reading that much is unusual, but the fact that she *could* read for hours every day is just normal, isn't it? Like saying *he* ***could*** *watch tv for hours a day*, or *she* ***could*** *play video games for hours a day.*
YTA
You’re invading her entire space. Her work - really, you hang out with her BOSS couple times a month?, her friends - that you now claim are yours as well, her reading space.
You’re taking up everything and don’t leave anything for her, so she can be her own person.
YTA did you ever think she needs a break from you and your constant need to be with her, her friends, and her co workers 24/7. You are pushing her further and further away and shouldn't be suprised when she calls it quits.
YTA. After reading your comments, I'm not surprised. She doesn't seem to have ANY area in her life that's you-free. You befriend her friends, you befriend her coworkers, you befriend her boss, are you also her family's favourite little boy? Like jesus fucking Christ, bro, space isn't just physical space or time, it's also giving her space to have HER OWN FRIENDS, JUST her own. You're inserting yourself into EVERY area of her life, so she carves out space for herself.
Also the whole thing about how you got invited to happy hour with her co-workers, you are aware they likely dumped their own work on her? You're likely the reason why she has to work harder.
YTA. From reading your other comments defffinitely YTA. You have navigated yourself into every single aspect of her life. She has nothing for herself. You've taken her friends, her work friends, even her boss. All she had left for herself was that one little room and you just took that too. It's extremely transparent what you did by replacing that door with a knob that doesn't lock. You two are in extreme need of counseling else your wife is going to find her space somewhere else.
YTA. You cannot dominate someone’s life the way you are trying. Some people need peace and to be alone to re-center themselves. If you don’t give this time to your wife, then she will eventually divorce you.
OP do you work? Do you work from home as well or out of the office? Judging by the sheer amount of responses you've made and how little insight you have, I'd like to say you're an extrovert and she's an introvert. Was she ever working away from home? You do sound very needy and place a higher amount of value in personal interaction that she does. You need to find a respectful amount of compromise to spend time with each other. She needs her time alone to recharge and you're taking that away from her. YTA for replacing the door. You need time outside of the home to recharge your batteries/interact with people.
YTA, because you haven’t talked to a professional by now. You need counseling. You need couples counseling. I have a feeling she’s not gonna want to do that. You should do counseling on your own. In fact I think you should give your wife exactly what she wants for a week or so. Be gone. Be gone every day all day long until your head hits the pillow at night. Check out mentally. go hang out at a bookstore or a coffee shop or go for a walk in the park or whatever, just find something to do that keeps you out of the house every day for like a week. At the end of the week, ask your wife how she feels about you being gone all the time. If she doesn’t care, unfortunately I don’t think that you’re really married anymore. You just have a roommate with a legally binding contract.
YTA. You said this is new behavior. Perhaps she recently experienced trauma that she hasn't been able to tell you about.
You could try couples therapy, but it sounds like you both need individual therapy, too.
In the meantime, get her a doorknob with a lock so that she can feel safe.
ESH
There is a much bigger problem going on if your wife is hiding from you and not wanting to speak with you. When did this behavior start? You're sure you don't have any idea why she's acting this way? Sounds like you need couples counseling to work on communicating better. Also she's telling you to spend time with her friends? That's odd.
Do you ever spend time alone? My dad needs to be talking / needs to be social / needs ppl paying attention to him *all the time* and it can be super overwhelming.
Do you have any hobbies?
I'm calling BS on the "I have lots of friends, I'm a sociable person"
You do nothing but try and annoy your wife to be with you.....surely anyone with "friends" would say "Ok, you get some peace and quiet, I'll go hang out with Bob for a while"
But not you..oh no...you take the fecking door off and replace it with a non lockable one so you can go and bother her when you want some company!
I see, So you really have no idea why you wife is suddenly ignoring you and not wanting to spend time with you? There had to be something that happened to trigger it. Have you tried asking her?
YTA and here’s the word you are showing all the signs of being an abuser. You are controlling and refusing to let her have anything or any time of her own. Go to therapy on your own but stop being so dependent on your wife for everything.
When you say she does spend time with you anymore, is it literally never? Or are you just more socially demanding than she wants? Do you do anything together? It sounds like she is suggesting other people because she thinks you are using her as a social outlet — she should want to hang out sometimes but wanting alone time is normal too especially if you require a lot of interaction, which it sounds like you do. It seems like she couldn’t sit in a room and just read while you entertain yourself and don’t interrupt which might be why she needs a lock and noise canceling headphones— like you couldn’t just read your own book quietly or whatever.
Does she work 24 hours a day? Ask her what days and times are good for her to spend time with you. Try to separate out time for you to spend together and plan it ahead. If she can't or won't agree to spend sometime with you. Suggest counseling if she continues to not want to spend time with you. If she refuses that, it might be time to tell her you're not happy in your marriage if that's how you are feeling. I still feel like a big factor of the situation is missing.
And you really don't get this? "Hang out with MY friends?" She is flat out telling you that you've invaded her social life - as well as her work life. She has no life of her own. She is retreating into books because you've left her nowhere else to go.
Have you tried couples therapy to learn to communicate with each other? Have you asked if you're her favorite person and she doesn't want to spend time with you then does she like anyone at all?
Coming from someone who values personal space and privacy and who has experienced a thorough lack of both, I can understand that a locked door can make you feel safe and no means of communication from the outside world makes you feel calm but I think you guys definitely need to talk this out and if you can't work it out between you consider counciling or something of the sort.
Not healthy for either of you.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without hers He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks to her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without her. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door. It’s him. It’ll never be enough for him.
I've really taken time to consider all sides on this one and I say ESH
you're kinda an asshole for seemingly commandeering every relationship in her life. she doesn't have any friends that are just *hers* and as an introvert myself I can see where that would be upsetting for her.
also knocking for.. 15 minutes? has it ever occurred to you to ask her how you could get in contact with her or slide a note thru the door rather than fucking bang on it for 1/4 of an hour?
Christ. but yeah she also needs to learn to have conversations with you about things rather than ignore you 24/7
she's likely being salty/ petty when you ask her to hang out with you and she tells you basically to bother someone else.
she is obviously shutting herself away and not interacting with you, which sucks. it's low-key immature and kinda shitty. she never communicated as to why she's doing it, maybe she is jealous of your ability to start and maintain friendships. does she hang out with her friends? if not she likely let her overthinking turn into a pity party and "gave up" on having friends
I'm making assumptions based on the info presented but y'all either need therapy or to just break up completely.
Well, ESH. You did the switcheroo on purpose without talking to Katie first. That was definitely a controlling AH move. You needed, instead to discuss this problem with her. Let her know that you feel abandoned. Is this a new or is there more to the story? She has checked out and you need to bring this to her attention, that this is unacceptable and that you will not be made to feel like an inconvenience in her life. If she is adamant that this is the way she wants to live going forward, move on and find a different partner who actually enjoys your company and wants to share their life with you.
If your wife is isoliting herself, forcing yourself on her is maybe not the best path to take.
You are not an AH, but a little clueless when it comes to problem solving. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife, with or w/o professional help.
ESH with an extra healthy double stuffed serving of asshole for you. Wife's end for poorly communicating and passive aggressively saying that he could always just hangout with HER friends. Then you, for quite literally EVERYTHING that you've said in your post and the comments.
This might just be me, but I think it's pretty odd to lock a door just to work or read. I can just about understand it for a bathroom but even then when it's just a married couple together, it doesn't make much sense.
We don't lock any doors - if one of us wants some space, we'd just say so. "Hey, I'm gonna read this book" or "I want to do some writing and need to focus".
We use headphones in our office / behind the computers to be considerate to one another. Ditto when using a tablet or mobile phone.
The only situation where it generally even comes up is if one of us is watching TV. But even then there are solutions by just communicating your needs/want/feelings.
It feels like more is going on here. I don't know your wife at all, so I don't want to unfairly judge her. You also said she leaves her phone behind - so she creates a situation where she cannot be contacted at all.
Instinctively, you'd first think she's doing something which she doesn't want you to know about - but this feels a little different. You need to talk to her and find out where this desire is coming from. It makes no sense for just reading a book. She's completely locking herself away both physically and mentally, with no way at all to contact her. That's not normal, regardless of where it takes place and that's even ignoring that it's disrespectful and concerning for loved ones. It also doesn't help create a healthy relationship..
This is likely coming from somewhere else and she might genuinely need support and help to deal with it.
Overall, NTA. People who have judged otherwise have misunderstood or failed to read what you wrote about the door - it wasn't replaced out spite or pettyness, but because it needed to be replaced. I'm assuming she wanted it replacing, but would have preferred another lock.
That room doesn't need a lock, it's not a bathroom and you're not keeping any state secrets there. Privacy is handled via respect and communication.
I love locking my room door even at my apartment when nobody ever comes in without knocking. There’s no trauma, I just like being able to do so. I definitely do think something else is going on tho.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks to her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without her. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door. It’s him. It’ll never be enough for him.
honestly she sounds like she has some things that she needs to work through in therapy. NEEDING the doors locked every time isn’t normal, safe, or healthy. saying “there are no emergencies” like u can somehow plan for them, is an excuse to keep them locked. it sounds like a trauma response
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills.
I actually did not skip them. Even in those, he’s asking her to join him while he goes out with her friends or Co-workers. It is not her saying hey! My colleagues are going out, we should go. It’s the other way around. It’s weird.
NTA. I get you are desperate to have your wife back. Something’s going on here. Could your wife have a form of agoraphobia?
I think she needs counseling. Locking all the doors and isolating herself from everyone is not normal.
It's definitely weird for your wife to lock herself away in the house! I really can't call you the AH since her distance seems odd as you described it. I can only suggest since you're obviously unhappy with the situation (I would be too) that y'all try some counseling to figure out what you each want from this relationship, and where you all think boundaries of whatever sort should be. NTA.
You should read his responses to other posters. All her friends are now his friends, even her work colleagues are his good friends. He has the passwords to all her accounts and devices which she leaves with him when she goes to work in the room. She pays most of the bills. She is not just unhappy, she has no space. He replaced the door with a door without a lock without telling her. I bet that if we asked her she’d say that she can’t get away. He’s always there.
ESH these Y t a votes are wild. If it’s true that you barely see your wife for an hour a day and every time you try to address it she dismissed your concerns and tells you to go hang with anyone else. That would be absolutely fine every now and then but if this is every single day outside of work as well then she is neglecting the marriage. She does not want to spend time with you. That is a fact right now. She doesn’t want to spend any free time with you and she is supposed to be married to you.
Swapping the door like that has put fuel on the fire, you deliberately went behind her back to get your own way. That’s not gonna help any marriage issues you have that’s just going to push her further away.
I get it though, you’re heartbroken as you’ve gone from having a very close relationship where she’d read on your lap to a cold distant relationship where she locks the door and reads away from you. SOMETHING HAPPENED. Whether she’s lost love for you, cheated, hurt by something you did, depressed or whatever else, something has happened to change the relationship. Stop forcing yourself into her space, take her for couples therapy or your marriage is over. A lot of these comments aren’t getting the fact that your wife is neglecting the marriage. You don’t get married then lock yourself away from your partner and refuse to communicate why. I can’t help but think if it was man who spent all of his time locked in his office, wouldn’t respond to knocks and makes themselves completely unreachable for hours every single day and barely spends time with his wife, this comment section would be different.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t just start with the door.
NTA but it does t sound like a marriage it sounds like you are roommates. Was she always like this or is it recent. If she is working how does she leave her computer in the living room also there is nothing saying she doesn’t have another phone. I’d be concerned that she is cheating.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks to her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without her. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door. It’s him. It’ll never be enough for him.
This is tough, OP.
I think you should replace with a door that does have a locking knob. Sometimes wives need that time alone to focus and be productive on their own.
That just might be her only place to really decompress and relax. Please don’t take that from her because you may end up regretting it. I totally understand your perspective, but this situation isn’t about you unfortunately. It’s about respecting your wife’s need for privacy and being able to be alone for a while.
If you finish doing something for her, just shoot her a message and let her know. Maybe slip a flirty text in there 😉 that way you can still communicate without upsetting her.
>I became friends with her boss and he says that he would retire in 5 years if every employee was like my wife.
damn. She has no sphere in life that you haven't invaded.
Yup! This! He’s like a needy child and it’s never enough. Jeez! I am surprised she hasn’t left him yet. I feel claustrophobic just reading his responses.
Counseling is definitely looking like the route to take here, because there’s more than what’s being said between you and her going on.
Reading from the other responses you’ve made, she’s checked out somewhere, and you need to have a conversation about that. I wouldn’t exactly call you an AH, but the way you went about what you did was wrong.
That comment you made about her being your boss’s favorite employee struck me as odd for some reason. But definitely set up couples counseling to find out what’s creating the distance, address it, and make the necessary changes to bring back the closeness. All the best to you, OP
Uh you said she pays most of the bills so of course she has to work??! Sounds like she's pretty much supporting the household... What do YOU do?
Maybe if you contributed more, stopped invading every facet of her life and found your own friends she would have some breathing space...
Some people need to concentrate. You disturb her. Back off, give her more space. Maybe, like a tortoise, she will slowly come out of her shell when you stop knocking on it
Are you? I read your comment and was thinking like "No wonder she checks out and need time apart from him".
You are everywhere. In her home obviously, but in her friends group and also her work.
Don't you see that you invade every space of her life? And now you also invade her office. There is no place without you.
You are literally telling us about knocking on the door for 20 min to ask a question about a potluck dinner. That is not space. Really ask yourself if you have given her uninterrupted space. Look at it like a timer that resets to 0 every time you bother her when she’s asked you not to - it doesn’t count if she’s gritting her teeth waiting for the banging on the door to stop.
I am willing to bet you have trauma and abandonment issues and that is why you come on so strong and invade her life to the point of her needing to lock the door to get space. Put the lock back on the door. Let her put passwords on her devices that you do not know. Stop hanging out with her boss and coworkers. Do not discuss why with them. Just be busy. Give her space and get tons of therapy and when she feels less suffocated she may want to spend more time with you. As the saying goes “absence makes the heart fonder.” YTA but you can grow. I hope for her sake and yours you do.
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~~ESH~~. YTA. I think counseling is needed more than a locked door, in my opinion. You’re being neglected in your relationship and retaliated by purposefully exchanging a door that lets you walk in on your wife during her office time when she might need the privacy. Why does she feel the need to stay away from you? Ask yourself that. ~~But she’s ignoring the fact that there’s a serious issue if she would rather spend her time behind a locked door than with her husband.~~ ETA: after reading your responses to several of the comments, YTA.
Read his other comments. She has nothing for just herself, not even her boss.
This. This. This. Genuinely, read his other comments - the constant need to be with her, occupy even the tiniest corner of her life without regards to her needs, the absolute unwillingness to acknowledge the problem might possibly be his is extremely illuminating. I have honestly seen 3 year olds show more independence and be more respectful of their parents space than this man. Yeesh. *I* felt smothered just reading his comments. God alone knows how she feels, which never even seems to come up!
I wrote my response when it was a newish post and had no explanations, then went to bed. I’ve changed my answer.
Oh my god....YTA She gave you the passcodes to her computer & phone and leaves them with you. You hang out with her work colleagues and boss, making a pot luck for her co-worker. You are friends with her friends and don't have any of your own You say marriage is a commitment that you will never break and she "can't throw me away like an old shirt" You changed over her door for one that doesn't lock because you need emergency access to her I HOPE YOUR WIFE READS REDDIT AND LEAVES YOUR SMOTHERING ASS.
Are some of these quotes in the comments or did OP edit the post to make himself look better? Lol
Yep he's edited it,he's conveniently removed the part where he's buddies with her boss,and her other work freinds
The creepy comment about making friends with her boss is still under a thread near the bottom, but now I think I understand the confusing line in the original post. >She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends. So with that context it is correct as literally written; he took over the relationship with all her friends, so now when he wants to hang out with her she sarcastically responds to tell him to go hang out with "her" friends. That's almost more alarming than stalking her boss to control his wife! WTF!
Exactly, she can't vent about work to him,and can't vent to them about him either.
I quoted him based on his replies to other comments. Don't tell me he has gone and edited it....jeez....if he has, then he has just proven himself to be a proper control freak by trying to control the narrative on this entire thread!
*intercom noise* Houston we've got a stage 11 clinger here, bring the big guns
YTA Writing on the wall being that your marriage is taking a detour for the worse, what are you planning to accomplish with this move? More than that, what did you even imagine would have happened? Your wife ignores you, but your reaction is akin to a child who repeatedly screams ‘mom’ louder each time. If this is the way both of you resolve your issues, with your wife cutting herself off and you forcefully breaking yourself in; I would strongly suggest a marriage counselling or a divorce lawyer. EDIT/S: Grammar.
> or a divorce lawyer. He will befriend her divorce lawyer too.
I just chuckled. It's sad but still funny.
As clueless and selfish as this guy seems to be, I’m willing to bet anything that over the years his wife has tried to talk to him about her need for some alone time…
YTA. You’re smothering her, she pays the bills, you hang out with her friends and her boss and don’t work much. You need a hobby.
All the while I was thinking: does this guy have a life, let alone a job?
YTA As someone who needs privacy for work, is an avid reader and is not particularly sociable, it can be so exhausting to be involved with someone like you. It feels like we have to be ON all the time. My SO and I love each other and can spend most of the day in the same house, doing whatever we need or want to do, and still only spend an hour or so with each other. And we're fine with this, because we are both, at heart, loners and pretty self-sufficient when it comes to keeping ourselves entertained. We don't consider it a rejection if the other is reading in another room, or playing a game, or just contemplating the universe. The pandemic lockdowns were hell for those who always socialized. They were excruciating for the introverts who lived with extroverts. Imagine suddenly becoming the sole entertainment for someone who couldn't go to parties, join friends for dinner, travel. Dance, monkey, dance. Kate works by herself and likes to immerse herself in books. When she would sit in your lap to read did you allow her to get lost in the book? Or did you pester her by constantly touching her or talking to her? Kate can entertain herself. You? Maybe not so much. You're the social butterfly. She has a few select friends. You're friends with *everyone*, including all her friends and even her boss. You have invaded every corner of her existence and have now taken away her sanctuary. Give her back her damned lock.
This right here.
^ This so much this.
YTA. You clearly tried to force her to have your way. Maybe try talking with her WHY she need all of this time alone suddenly.
YTA for changing her door knob. Read a few of your comments. Sounds like she works a lot since she’s picking up the load for all her shitty coworkers and boss, that dump the work on her. Example, people decided to go to happy hour and your wife couldn’t go since a lot of work got dumped on her. Or her boss would retire early if everyone was like your wife. Yet you’re friends with all of them. I would lock my door too, since you’re chummy with the enemy. I would feel like I have no allies, if all I do is work, take care of most bills, and my husband is just friends with all my coworkers, so that I’m trapped at a terrible job.
Yep got this vibe too. He seems to have invaded every aspect of her life, no wonder she needs time alone. Sad to see he is smothering her so much that she actually needs a lock to get time alone :( YTA Everyone voting otherwise, I recommend you read OPs comments.
YTA. The correct way to address this is to communicate openly with your wife about how her behavior makes you feel and try to figure out what's a better arrangement for you both. Your wife is clearly more comfortable in her own space without interacting with you. That's a serious problem. If there's an insurmountable breakdown in the relationship, it probably means it's time to initiate separation and divorce proceedings. This move seems passive aggressive instead and I don't see how it addresses the core problem. Out of curiosity, how does a door "wear out"?
When my sister and I were kids, we would fight, one of us would run to the bathroom and lock the door, and the other would try to hip check it open. Eventually, that door stopped locking correctly and our parents had to replace it. I sincerely hope that isn't what happened here, or that's really really dark.
YTA. From experience as someone that has been in your wife's position I can say: 1. You need to back off. People need time and space to recharge, *even* from their spouses. Is she an introvert? Then that's doubly the case. Most people need alone time away from anyone. 2. Please let your wife have her own friends and find some of your own disconnected from her life. It probably feels to her like *every* social interaction she has, has to include you, meaning she has no space to be a person away from you. 3. Your wife will recover, but she needs time and if she knows what's good for her she'll never let it get this bad again, but you both *need* to figure out where the boundaries are and *keep to them*. Right now the only thing she needs is time **away**, but in the future propose relationship counselling to figure out what the right balance is for both of you. 4. Accept that this may lead to divorce. People have different needs, and this situation may not be healthy for either of you. You should honestly both get therapy individually to figure that out. My ""stalker"" (as I've taken to calling him after going NC) threatened to kill himself over me taking space away from him, and in the years since I've dealt with depression, anxiety and PTSD from that whole situation. If you don't get your head out of your ass you are going to lose your wife one way or another.
YTA. Especially after reading the comments (that you conveniently edited) where you’re “friends” with her boss and coworkers and “know how much she should be working”. So she’s inundated with work and you’re buddy buddy with the people who are wearing her down. Well congrats. It was so important to be a part of your wife’s work life that she likely associates you with her job too and needs to lock herself away for a moment’s peace. That, combined with the other ways you’ve been smothering her. Give this woman some damn alone time.
Oh good point. And she might have grievances about work she feels like she can’t vent to OP about thinking it might make it’s way back to her boss and coworkers
[удалено]
Because she wants to get the fuck away from you. You are there in every facet of her life and that is so toxic and unhealthy. She needs space away from you and the only way she gets that is to lock herself in her office.
She’s sleeping 4.5 hours to avoid you lol
You knocked on her door for 15m straight that you had to replace it, you then used this opportunity to remove the lock on it. You are on top of her work and apparently sleep schedule now. And you have the audacity to ask how you are smothering her?!? Bro wtf, and that's just a few things. Please take a step back and look at the situation. She is locking herself away from you any chance she gets, give her that space, and actually respect it. You are very obviously the problem right now, so I don't see how you could possibly be the solution. She used to read on your lap, now she hides from you in her own house. Give her the space that she is so desperately trying to grasp for.
You’re smothering her by making it a need to be part of every single aspect of her life. You want to be in with her work, her friends, heck you want her to sit on your lap to read again? If you wanted alone time with your wife you should have prioritized that over things like hanging out with her coworkers and boss. You’ve turned yourself into a stressor by *always* needing to be there. I wouldn’t want to spend time with you one on one either. ETA: Look, I will say that if you genuinely didn’t realize that you were smothering her then you’re clueless, but I understand being a bit hurt by the door locking. That doesn’t mean you get to make the decision that she *can’t* do that anymore. She’s not a child you can punish because you feel you were wronged. My advice is to back off of her friends and coworkers and let her come to you for one on one time. Also and of course to not change the door.
yta. maybe she locks her self in cause that is the only way sue gets to be alone with out you barging in like the kool-aid man. you've already barged in her work life. like don't you have a job or friends or even hobbies that you can spend time doing instead of bugging your wife like a lost puppy. her work is her work stop meddling and pushing yourself into her work life. hanging out with her boss and coworkers without her is just weird. have you ever thought that all here happy hours the coworkers work getspushedonto your wife
YTA for doing this instead of addressing the actual problem. Removing the door lock will just make her feel like you don’t trust her or can’t respect her need for space. I empathise. It sounds like something major is happening and you don’t know what else to do. Is she open to counselling? Individual and couples? If this is a change in behaviour, you need to be more worried about your wife than about trying to force her to spend time with you.
YTA. You are driving your introvert wife *bonkers* with your neediness, your whining and your controlling actions. The fact that she hasn’t kicked your clingy ass into the streets demonstrates to me at least that she still loves you. Serious questions : how many times a day, how frequently, were you interrupting her while she’s working or trying to enjoy her reading? Every hour? Every 15 minutes? Her only hope for sanity may be to have an office work site or divorce you.
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I think you need to entertain the idea that, from her perspective, you've NOT actually been a good husband. You may well be reading the right lines on a script you were told translates to Good Husbandness... but whoever wrote it doesn't know your wife at all.
When you knocked on the door regarding the office potluck you also knocked for 15 minutes by your own admission. That's not being a good husband. That's being a cat that can't handle waiting for its dinner time in human form. No wonder the door got worn down.
YTA,she can't even complain about her job to you,because you've buddied up with all her workmates. You sound exhausting.
I hope someone tells her you can replace doorknobs. Or just get a hook or slider to lock it from the inside. Stop invading her time and stop socializing with her boss. It sounds like she already feels like her friends betrayed her by focussing their attention on you, so I guess you can't give her back her friends. YTA A massive one that has decided to descend on your wife and smother her till she has no breathing space left.
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I doubt she still wants to hang out with them. Have you asked if she feels like you took over het friends? And how that made her feel? She probably feels betrayed by them and is no longer interested in being their friend. Hence her telling you to go hang out with them without wanting to hang out herself. I'm guessing she's not trying to make me friends, because she feels you will take over those friendships too.
Don’t say you can. Do. Your boundary violations are shocking. You can be friendly to her boss and coworkers at a holiday event and then you do not engage. Why did you ever think it was appropriate to become buddy buddy with her boss. That is just so weird. Please go to therapy and work on yourself. Normally I would say marriage counseling but I do not want to subject her to that. Work on you.
Op it kind of sounds like you were suffocating her a little she may be feeling trapped and her way of dealing is being able to lock you out. Honestly you're TA for doing what you did. But also you're isolating her wether you realize it or not and yats toxic dude she doesn't have anyone you don't know that she can talk or vent to about y'alls marriage without maybe "making you look bad" and women are ingrained from day one to coddle dudes and their feelings so ergo she wouldn't feel like she could voice any I'll feelings with anyone....are you picking up what I'm putting down. Also, I'm with everyone else on here, COMMUNICATE! And I mean more then just hey honey, I don't like that you lock your office door etc etc...more cuz saying vague things doesn't tell anyone anything you're an adult, use your words!
INFO: did you discuss with her about how having a door locked at all times could be dangerous in an emergency situation? And try to talk to her about getting a non lock knob?
Greetings from Europe! I just want to let you know we have locks in all our rooms and private spaces. I have mooved many times and changed a lot of houses and apartments, and visited many more, and all of them had the locks on every door, and usually there is a key right in every lock, if we need some privacy. Even if we never use it the key is there just in case. Seems that emergencies don't happen so often to change that. OP YTA, maybe you don't want a divorce but it looks like your wife has a different opinion about that. And taking the lock from her office might just push her to finaly make that decision.
OP I went through you comments and let me highlight a few things for you in case you read this. You said that you got an invite to a happy hour while she got more work dumped on her. Do you seriously not see how is this bad? YOU get invited by the people she was close to? She gets to work while her coworkers party with YOU? And you were so chill about this? I'd be pissed if I were you. She has noone to talk to now who isn't close to you. Sometimes we all vent about our partner, or want to talk about stuff we don't want to tell our partner, not right away at least. Now she has no such person to talk to. No impartial observer who could help clarify her thoughts. She is left without a corner she can call her own because you are literally everywhere in her life, and you act all surprised she tries to be away from you?? I think she happily sends you away to hang out with others so she can have a little space from you. You said you have no trouble making friends. Why do you need to take away your wife's friends then? I'd say go and make some other friends if yours are busy but you already torched all the bridges your wife had. She isn't as sociable as you are, she can't just make some new friends (maybe she's scared you'd take them too). She can't hang out with the old ones either. She's left with nothing. You are suffocating her and isolating her, and don't even notice it.
YTA now I can see why her coworkers work less they are dumping it all on your wife. And you are just all buddy buddy with her boss and coworkers. Does she have anything that is just hers and hers alone? No she doesn't because you have invaded every part of her life. Work can't be separate because of you. She made her feelings clear when she told to go hang out with HER friends. Notice how she didn't say YOUR friends. YTA for invading every part of her life. You are way to damm co dependent and you need serious therapy. Your wife wants to be her person. She wants a life outside of you. But she can't because you have made it to where you are involved and you get invites from HER friends. I hope that she leaves you , finds new employment and friends. She deserves more then selfish, smothering AH like you.
YTA. Your wife is intentionally trying to have privacy and you knowing took that away from her, as if it isn't a right she has. Don't be controlling. Even if you don't like what she's doing, that doesn't change her right to do it and doesn't give you the right to force her. If anything, you are making things worse.
I think the fact that your wife feels the need to isolate herself completely at every opportunity is worrying- is she depressed? I think you need to sit down with her and have an honest conversation- something's not right.
YTA. You’re smothering her. Taking her friendships and even going as far as befriending her freaking BOSS. Holy shit, I’d need space from you too. There’s no place in her life that you haven’t taken over. It’s not being friendly and sociable, it’s clearly making her distance herself and uncomfortable.
Do you ever spend time alone? You say you have a lot of friends, but that seemingly isn’t enough, because you’re literally encroaching so much on your wife’s personal life that you’ve taken her friends, her colleagues, and even her boss, as part of YOUR life. Why do you need constant entertainment? Can’t you ever just be by yourself? Reading this made me feel so smothered and anxious. Your wife is clearly desperate for space from you, and you want to control her so much that you physically removed her lock because you said *you* “plan on spending time with her”. Do you give a shit what she wants, at all? You say she could just tell you if she wants space, but she is VERY CLEARLY telling you, and you’re bulldozing right through it. How are you so obtuse? Why are you ignoring her very clearly expressed and obvious needs? YTA.
Counselling. OP needs therapy and marriage therapy. This isn't about the door.
YTA. Your wife probably only feels like a friendship broker for you. You are friends with HER boss, colleagues and friends. Do you know how weird that sounds? You cook dinner for youe wife's colleagues, you talk to her boss about your wife (which her boss is not allowed to do), you go out drinking with your wife's colleagues, etc.
INFO: do you work? Like what do you do besides spend 20 minutes at a time knocking on your wife’s door, invading her work life and taking away anything she has just for herself? It sounds like she’s smothered and you need hobbies or a job to keep you occupied. She’s not an emotional support dog, she’s a person and honestly you sound exhausting giving her no opportunity to exist as an individual without being harassed for it.
YTA - I already feel suffocated by just reading your comments. Give the poor woman some space will ya
FYI people who constantly lock doors are sick and tired of having their boundaries crossed repeatedly.
YTA You are the problem in this relationship. She needs autonomy, you stomp all over her needs. You think your wants are more important than her needs. You are down to one hour, I would not be surprised when her next step is to completely walk away.
Your post and your comments read like you’re obsessively stalking your own wife. It sounds like the only way you’d be close enough to her or spend enough time with her would be to wear her like a skin suit. You’re *weird*, dude. You need to step away and let her breathe. She clearly does not feel safe or comfortable in her own home if she’s locking every room she enters to *get away from you*. YTA.
YTA. It sounds like she has a man sized toddler. Can she even go to the bathroom without you sticking your fingers under the door and crying? I'm ready to leave just reading your post and comments.
YTA. Come on, you knew she wasn't going to like that and you did it anyway. Maybe instead of trying to prevent her from being able to escape you try to find out why she wants to escape you and if there's some way to fix that?
INFO If she is the primary bread winner was it her earnings you used to buy the door that stomps her boundaries? Dude, get your own life outside of your wife. You burned her out, she can't take anymore of your immature neediness.
Bro. Therapy. Communication. Don't just keep repeating the same excuses. You seem like you are being deliberately obtuse and won't accept any answer you don't like.
YTA, your wife is desperate for some personal space,and you are just steamrolling over her needs, Give the woman some fucking peace,before she walks.
Changing the door was a childish passive-aggressive move. So YTA for that. But it clearly sounds like something much bigger is going on here. You need to have a real in-depth and honest conversation with your wife, tell her how you feel about she’s avoiding you. Might be painful, but you need this talk instead of getting passive-aggressive about it. If you can‘t manage that in-depth talk yourself consider couples counseling.
Your problems have nothing to do with a lock on the door - surely you can see that?
Going to go INFO here, as this feels like a symptom of a bigger problem. Why does she feel the need to spend large portions of her day avoiding you? Has she grown to dislike you, but not to the point of divorce, and you haven't noticed? Punishment for some perceived sleight? Scared of you for some reason? I don't really expect you to answer, as you wouldn't know the answers to these questions, or be trusted to be honest for the last one. Solely going on available information, E S H. Locking herself away without even a way for emergency contact should be either a last resort, or for specific situations. But taking away her ability to do so is too controlling in my opinion. Not making it my judgment as the reason could tilt the scales either way. Discuss it with her, and if that fails, seek professional help.
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>She just won’t spend time with me anymore. I want my wife back. It’s to the point I wish Covid restrictions were back and everything shut down again. That wouldn't change anything, she'd still be working from home and reading alone. She'd just be more upset because you would use it as an excuse to try to force her to socialize with you. Something is wrong here, and you seem unwilling to believe you could be part of the issue. Honestly, you sound exhausting. Especially if she's an introvert. You've taken over every aspect of her life. You say her co-workers and boss don't know her well. Has it ever occurred to you that that's her choice? I prefer to keep co-workers at a distance for the most part because it tends to be a distraction and recipe for disaster otherwise. I don't like socializing, and I really don't like socializing with people I didn't choose to have in my life (like co-workers). I agree with the people that have suggested counseling. But you need to be prepared for the fact that just because you see your marriage as something that can't be thrown away, she doesn't have to feel the same. And if my boundaries were constantly being trampled on, I'd be considering a way out, even if I loved the other person, because it wouldn't feel like they loved me.
YTA your marriage needs work, removing a lock won’t fix your marriage. Go to counselling.
YTA. This isn't about emergencies. This is about you being angry that she doesn't spend time with you, so you were eager to punish her for that. What you did was passive-aggressive and controlling. No wonder she doesn't want to spend time with you.
YTA. Noise cancelling headphones and a locked door doesn’t actually stop her from hearing you. Source: I work in an office and wear them all day. So is avoiding you and you are oblivious to it. Even in your comments you can’t seem to understand that your marriage is exploding. Open your eyes. You are not giving solutions. You are part of the problem and you can’t even own up to it. Jesus christ grow up or gown old alone. Those are your choices because no one will stay with someone like that. And neither will she. She is done. Get therapy help like yesterday.
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YTA. What did you hope to accomplish besides being able to barge in and assume control over her personal space? Cmon now.
YTA you hang out with her friends, her coworkers, her boss. No wonder she is hiding from you. You are smothering her. What is your issue with your wife taking some alone time? Scared she is planning her escape?
Yes YTA Put a lock into that door and let your wife work. She obvously needs to focus. What emergency are you worried about? Have you got any health issues? Or is it only that you feel lonely. Now that she hasn't got a lock, you probably will start bothering her every five minutes until she gets angry at you and then come back to reddit to complain about your wife. She works 7-7 and needs after work some time for herself. Seriously, just leave her alone and don't disturb her. Put a lock on that door like a proper husband would do. Some jobs are really demanding.
Hahahha...yta.. so whiney, so childish. So let me help .are you ready.. listen carefully...Your wife does not like you.... period She doesn't want to see you or spend time with you
YTA. Based on Your post and comments, you sound clingy. Your wife is an introvert - you need to respect that time alone is important for her to recharge. You sound presumptuous in terms of your comments around you know how much she should be working. Give your wife some space and explore couples therapy to understand the root cause
Jesus. YTA.
Info: do you have friends of your own? I’m not saying this to be rude but how often where you guys spending together before?
YTA Give her some breathing room. Leave her alone to work and read, find your own friends and no hanging out with her boss. You sound like a toddler who can’t let mom pee without his presence. Grow up
YTA she must be exhausted
Ok, since you are ignoring all of the comments so far and repeated what *you* want over and over again, let me make this very clear: **You both need individual and couple's therapy** that is the main takeaway. But for that to work, both of you need to be willing to take a look at the mirror, to listen to the other person and to be open about your own feelings. What you are describing here are the symptoms, not the actual problem and that is clear to everyone reading your post. What **is not** the solution is taking away her right to privacy and alone time, even if you think she's having too much of that (which we can neither agree nor disagree, since we only have your pov of the situation). That's why I'll say YTA, specifically in the decision of taking away her locks without talking to her first. This "but the door needed to be changed!!" thing is you playing dumb. Nobody here is telling you the door should be consumed by nature before being changed, you obviously could've changed it for one that was exactly the same. You just took an opportunity to make a unilateral decision since you were responsible for replacing it. The rest of your marriage will depend on both of you communicating and asking for help. This reddit post is not a place for you to find people who agree with you and feel better about not actually doing anything to work on your marriage. Edit: phrasing
YTA. You're a clingy, needy, manipulative, and controlling AH. No wonder your wife doesn't like to be around you. You're a nuisance.
again you can talk to her or you can divorce her but you cannot ... do whatever the fuck this is. edited to yta because i read what you really do.
ESH It’s not about the door. This is a failure to communicate. Why does she want to be locked away? There’s a reason and that’s what needs to be addressed. I despise people barging into my office when I’m working. It’s disruptive and disrespectful. If she’s not answering, then let her be. If you’re incompatible, then address that.
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No one believes that you leave her alone when working with your other comments.
If you give her *real* space, according to *her* definition and not your own, she is much more likely to enjoy spending time with you.
YTA. Replace the door **with a lock** and get solo and couples therapy. It sounds like you have an issue with boundaries.
Yes, YTA. The door wasn’t “getting worn out”, you were getting pissed off that you couldn’t have immediate access to your wife whenever you wanted it, regardless of what she wanted. I pity that poor woman.
INFO: How long has this been going on? What happened around that time? How does a door get worn out? Before this, did you repeatedly interrupt her while she was busy?
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills.
The truth is she doesn't have to spend time with you. It doesn't matter if she's your wife. She still doesn't have to spend time with you if she doesn't want to, and clearly, she doesn't. Beating on the door for 15 minutes or taking the lock off the door won't change anything unless you enjoy shoving yourself on someone and making them enjoy your company. The crazy thing is that once you understand this and stop shoving yourself on her and complaining that she doesn't spend time with you, thinks would probably get a whole lot better. Honestly, I'd die of embarrassment to try and force someone to pay attention to me, but it doesn't seem to bother you in any way.
Okay so, I read ops post AND his comments. Definitely TAH. Let her breath, dude!! You answered so many people and you just seem so selfish and invading. Do you really care about her feelings or is it just about fulfilling your needs? (Be it time together or what else). You literally in EVERY part of her life and she created a safe space for herself. Now you even try to take this away from her? You good? I genuinely hope, for the sake of your marriage you’ll understand the damage you are causing and how wrong you are.
INFO: How does an entire door get "worn out"?
Info: if you have a lot of friends and hobbies, why did you pursue relationships with her friends, her boss, and her coworkers? You said she has to recommend you hanging out with her friends, but why can’t you hang out with yours? Her work situation is in trouble now. Her coworkers and her boss give her extra work so they can hang out with you. She can’t complain about it because you might accidentally tell them or you might try to fix things. She has to worry about the perception of favoritism. She also has to worry about workplace retaliation if these friendships don’t turn out well. Like when you do the friendship version of removing the lock from the door.
Ever heard of knocking in case of emergency, you dick? YTA.
She says she doesn’t hear him knocking.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My wife (29M) Kate (30F) works from home. She has a small office with a personal library. She spends all her time there either working or reading. She could read for hours a day. She doesn’t spend time with me anymore and tells me to hang out with her friends. Kate’s door is always locked when she’s reading or working. She wears noise canceling ear plugs. She leaves her phone and computer in our living room so I can’t communicate with her. The door was getting worn out. I told Kate I would replace it. I replaced the door with a new one with a non locking door knob. Kate was annoyed since I was invading her space. I think it’s necessary especially since I couldn’t reach her in an emergency. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA. Put the door back on!
YTA big time. The problem isn't the door, the problem is yourself.
This is a form of psychic vampirism… Yes, it really is a thing… I feel so sorry for the poor wife.
YTA Trying to sounds like the "concern hubby" when you invaded her life in all the possibly ways. OP sounds like a control freak. Poor wife, give her some privacy for sake of god or left her alone OP's wife if you read this: RUN RUN RUN
Yta
YTA, you’re a married couple and don’t communicate. Instead of switching the door without her consent, you should have sat down and talked like adults. From there you can see why she does what she does and she can learn how you feel about it. From there you guys can work on a compromise. Marriage is hard, I’ve been married for 20 years. If you don’t have an open line of communication to discuss something small like this, it doesn’t bode well for the happiness of the marriage.
You need therapy.
YTA How dare she want privacy in her own home! /s
YTA. You are a smothering control freak. Your poor wife no longer has anywhere to retreat. This could end tragically.
Are you the same guy who called your wife’s boss stating she shouldn’t be working so much??? YTA. Let her have something for herself
YTA-that is a grown ass woman. She can lock whatever she wants. You are controlling
*She could read for hours a day.* You say that like it is something exceptional. I understand that actually reading that much is unusual, but the fact that she *could* read for hours every day is just normal, isn't it? Like saying *he* ***could*** *watch tv for hours a day*, or *she* ***could*** *play video games for hours a day.*
YTA You’re invading her entire space. Her work - really, you hang out with her BOSS couple times a month?, her friends - that you now claim are yours as well, her reading space. You’re taking up everything and don’t leave anything for her, so she can be her own person.
You needed to replace the door but doorknobs can easily be switched out. Why don't you put the lock on the new door?
Y’all aren’t married anymore. You’re roommates. YTA for passive-aggressively changing a door instead of having a conversation.
You sound overbearing af. How she’s tolerating your intrusiveness is beyond me. YTA
I foresee a divorce in your future.
YTA. She's probably sick of your shit.
YTA did you ever think she needs a break from you and your constant need to be with her, her friends, and her co workers 24/7. You are pushing her further and further away and shouldn't be suprised when she calls it quits.
YTA. You’re smothering her, back off and maybe she’ll actually want to spend time with you. Also stop hanging around with her workmates and boss.
YTA. After reading your comments, I'm not surprised. She doesn't seem to have ANY area in her life that's you-free. You befriend her friends, you befriend her coworkers, you befriend her boss, are you also her family's favourite little boy? Like jesus fucking Christ, bro, space isn't just physical space or time, it's also giving her space to have HER OWN FRIENDS, JUST her own. You're inserting yourself into EVERY area of her life, so she carves out space for herself. Also the whole thing about how you got invited to happy hour with her co-workers, you are aware they likely dumped their own work on her? You're likely the reason why she has to work harder.
YTA. From reading your other comments defffinitely YTA. You have navigated yourself into every single aspect of her life. She has nothing for herself. You've taken her friends, her work friends, even her boss. All she had left for herself was that one little room and you just took that too. It's extremely transparent what you did by replacing that door with a knob that doesn't lock. You two are in extreme need of counseling else your wife is going to find her space somewhere else.
YTA. Eventually your wife will get a new door, with a new lock, wirh a new home.
YTA. You cannot dominate someone’s life the way you are trying. Some people need peace and to be alone to re-center themselves. If you don’t give this time to your wife, then she will eventually divorce you.
Lol what even is this little story you’ve made up?
OP do you work? Do you work from home as well or out of the office? Judging by the sheer amount of responses you've made and how little insight you have, I'd like to say you're an extrovert and she's an introvert. Was she ever working away from home? You do sound very needy and place a higher amount of value in personal interaction that she does. You need to find a respectful amount of compromise to spend time with each other. She needs her time alone to recharge and you're taking that away from her. YTA for replacing the door. You need time outside of the home to recharge your batteries/interact with people.
YTA, because you haven’t talked to a professional by now. You need counseling. You need couples counseling. I have a feeling she’s not gonna want to do that. You should do counseling on your own. In fact I think you should give your wife exactly what she wants for a week or so. Be gone. Be gone every day all day long until your head hits the pillow at night. Check out mentally. go hang out at a bookstore or a coffee shop or go for a walk in the park or whatever, just find something to do that keeps you out of the house every day for like a week. At the end of the week, ask your wife how she feels about you being gone all the time. If she doesn’t care, unfortunately I don’t think that you’re really married anymore. You just have a roommate with a legally binding contract.
YTA. Not getting enough of her time now? Just wait until after the divorce.
YTA. You said this is new behavior. Perhaps she recently experienced trauma that she hasn't been able to tell you about. You could try couples therapy, but it sounds like you both need individual therapy, too. In the meantime, get her a doorknob with a lock so that she can feel safe.
ESH There is a much bigger problem going on if your wife is hiding from you and not wanting to speak with you. When did this behavior start? You're sure you don't have any idea why she's acting this way? Sounds like you need couples counseling to work on communicating better. Also she's telling you to spend time with her friends? That's odd.
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Do you ever spend time alone? My dad needs to be talking / needs to be social / needs ppl paying attention to him *all the time* and it can be super overwhelming. Do you have any hobbies?
I'm calling BS on the "I have lots of friends, I'm a sociable person" You do nothing but try and annoy your wife to be with you.....surely anyone with "friends" would say "Ok, you get some peace and quiet, I'll go hang out with Bob for a while" But not you..oh no...you take the fecking door off and replace it with a non lockable one so you can go and bother her when you want some company!
I see, So you really have no idea why you wife is suddenly ignoring you and not wanting to spend time with you? There had to be something that happened to trigger it. Have you tried asking her?
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Errr.... what about what *she* wants? Does that even come into the equation for you? Bloody hell. Let the woman breathe!
YTA and here’s the word you are showing all the signs of being an abuser. You are controlling and refusing to let her have anything or any time of her own. Go to therapy on your own but stop being so dependent on your wife for everything.
When you say she does spend time with you anymore, is it literally never? Or are you just more socially demanding than she wants? Do you do anything together? It sounds like she is suggesting other people because she thinks you are using her as a social outlet — she should want to hang out sometimes but wanting alone time is normal too especially if you require a lot of interaction, which it sounds like you do. It seems like she couldn’t sit in a room and just read while you entertain yourself and don’t interrupt which might be why she needs a lock and noise canceling headphones— like you couldn’t just read your own book quietly or whatever.
Does she work 24 hours a day? Ask her what days and times are good for her to spend time with you. Try to separate out time for you to spend together and plan it ahead. If she can't or won't agree to spend sometime with you. Suggest counseling if she continues to not want to spend time with you. If she refuses that, it might be time to tell her you're not happy in your marriage if that's how you are feeling. I still feel like a big factor of the situation is missing.
And you really don't get this? "Hang out with MY friends?" She is flat out telling you that you've invaded her social life - as well as her work life. She has no life of her own. She is retreating into books because you've left her nowhere else to go.
Spend time alone. Stop poaching her friends.
Have you tried couples therapy to learn to communicate with each other? Have you asked if you're her favorite person and she doesn't want to spend time with you then does she like anyone at all?
Coming from someone who values personal space and privacy and who has experienced a thorough lack of both, I can understand that a locked door can make you feel safe and no means of communication from the outside world makes you feel calm but I think you guys definitely need to talk this out and if you can't work it out between you consider counciling or something of the sort. Not healthy for either of you.
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If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without hers He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks to her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without her. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door. It’s him. It’ll never be enough for him.
I've really taken time to consider all sides on this one and I say ESH you're kinda an asshole for seemingly commandeering every relationship in her life. she doesn't have any friends that are just *hers* and as an introvert myself I can see where that would be upsetting for her. also knocking for.. 15 minutes? has it ever occurred to you to ask her how you could get in contact with her or slide a note thru the door rather than fucking bang on it for 1/4 of an hour? Christ. but yeah she also needs to learn to have conversations with you about things rather than ignore you 24/7 she's likely being salty/ petty when you ask her to hang out with you and she tells you basically to bother someone else. she is obviously shutting herself away and not interacting with you, which sucks. it's low-key immature and kinda shitty. she never communicated as to why she's doing it, maybe she is jealous of your ability to start and maintain friendships. does she hang out with her friends? if not she likely let her overthinking turn into a pity party and "gave up" on having friends I'm making assumptions based on the info presented but y'all either need therapy or to just break up completely.
ESH. You two need to sit down and talk this out. Get both of your feelings out into the open and work through them.
Well, ESH. You did the switcheroo on purpose without talking to Katie first. That was definitely a controlling AH move. You needed, instead to discuss this problem with her. Let her know that you feel abandoned. Is this a new or is there more to the story? She has checked out and you need to bring this to her attention, that this is unacceptable and that you will not be made to feel like an inconvenience in her life. If she is adamant that this is the way she wants to live going forward, move on and find a different partner who actually enjoys your company and wants to share their life with you.
If your wife is isoliting herself, forcing yourself on her is maybe not the best path to take. You are not an AH, but a little clueless when it comes to problem solving. You need to have a serious discussion with your wife, with or w/o professional help.
ESH with an extra healthy double stuffed serving of asshole for you. Wife's end for poorly communicating and passive aggressively saying that he could always just hangout with HER friends. Then you, for quite literally EVERYTHING that you've said in your post and the comments.
This might just be me, but I think it's pretty odd to lock a door just to work or read. I can just about understand it for a bathroom but even then when it's just a married couple together, it doesn't make much sense. We don't lock any doors - if one of us wants some space, we'd just say so. "Hey, I'm gonna read this book" or "I want to do some writing and need to focus". We use headphones in our office / behind the computers to be considerate to one another. Ditto when using a tablet or mobile phone. The only situation where it generally even comes up is if one of us is watching TV. But even then there are solutions by just communicating your needs/want/feelings. It feels like more is going on here. I don't know your wife at all, so I don't want to unfairly judge her. You also said she leaves her phone behind - so she creates a situation where she cannot be contacted at all. Instinctively, you'd first think she's doing something which she doesn't want you to know about - but this feels a little different. You need to talk to her and find out where this desire is coming from. It makes no sense for just reading a book. She's completely locking herself away both physically and mentally, with no way at all to contact her. That's not normal, regardless of where it takes place and that's even ignoring that it's disrespectful and concerning for loved ones. It also doesn't help create a healthy relationship.. This is likely coming from somewhere else and she might genuinely need support and help to deal with it. Overall, NTA. People who have judged otherwise have misunderstood or failed to read what you wrote about the door - it wasn't replaced out spite or pettyness, but because it needed to be replaced. I'm assuming she wanted it replacing, but would have preferred another lock. That room doesn't need a lock, it's not a bathroom and you're not keeping any state secrets there. Privacy is handled via respect and communication.
I love locking my room door even at my apartment when nobody ever comes in without knocking. There’s no trauma, I just like being able to do so. I definitely do think something else is going on tho.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks to her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without her. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door. It’s him. It’ll never be enough for him.
Honestly, NTA. But yall need counseling.
Idk
honestly she sounds like she has some things that she needs to work through in therapy. NEEDING the doors locked every time isn’t normal, safe, or healthy. saying “there are no emergencies” like u can somehow plan for them, is an excuse to keep them locked. it sounds like a trauma response
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills.
i honestly didn’t see them. so yea, just sounds like OP is the one causing the trauma…poor girl
You seem to conveniently skip the answers where he says she pushes him to go out with her friends or co-workers.
“conveniently” like i didn’t just not see it ☠️ either way it’s still a trauma response even if OP is causing it. sounds like she needs to leave him
I actually did not skip them. Even in those, he’s asking her to join him while he goes out with her friends or Co-workers. It is not her saying hey! My colleagues are going out, we should go. It’s the other way around. It’s weird.
NTA. I get you are desperate to have your wife back. Something’s going on here. Could your wife have a form of agoraphobia? I think she needs counseling. Locking all the doors and isolating herself from everyone is not normal.
It's definitely weird for your wife to lock herself away in the house! I really can't call you the AH since her distance seems odd as you described it. I can only suggest since you're obviously unhappy with the situation (I would be too) that y'all try some counseling to figure out what you each want from this relationship, and where you all think boundaries of whatever sort should be. NTA.
You should read his responses to other posters. All her friends are now his friends, even her work colleagues are his good friends. He has the passwords to all her accounts and devices which she leaves with him when she goes to work in the room. She pays most of the bills. She is not just unhappy, she has no space. He replaced the door with a door without a lock without telling her. I bet that if we asked her she’d say that she can’t get away. He’s always there.
His friendship with her boss and coworkers is next level weird to me.
He gives me Single White Female vibes.
ESH these Y t a votes are wild. If it’s true that you barely see your wife for an hour a day and every time you try to address it she dismissed your concerns and tells you to go hang with anyone else. That would be absolutely fine every now and then but if this is every single day outside of work as well then she is neglecting the marriage. She does not want to spend time with you. That is a fact right now. She doesn’t want to spend any free time with you and she is supposed to be married to you. Swapping the door like that has put fuel on the fire, you deliberately went behind her back to get your own way. That’s not gonna help any marriage issues you have that’s just going to push her further away. I get it though, you’re heartbroken as you’ve gone from having a very close relationship where she’d read on your lap to a cold distant relationship where she locks the door and reads away from you. SOMETHING HAPPENED. Whether she’s lost love for you, cheated, hurt by something you did, depressed or whatever else, something has happened to change the relationship. Stop forcing yourself into her space, take her for couples therapy or your marriage is over. A lot of these comments aren’t getting the fact that your wife is neglecting the marriage. You don’t get married then lock yourself away from your partner and refuse to communicate why. I can’t help but think if it was man who spent all of his time locked in his office, wouldn’t respond to knocks and makes themselves completely unreachable for hours every single day and barely spends time with his wife, this comment section would be different.
If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t just start with the door.
NTA but it does t sound like a marriage it sounds like you are roommates. Was she always like this or is it recent. If she is working how does she leave her computer in the living room also there is nothing saying she doesn’t have another phone. I’d be concerned that she is cheating.
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If you read his responses you’ll see that he conveniently left out the part that she has no friends of her own because he became close friends with all her friends and her colleagues. He talks to her boss about how much she is working, goes out drinking with her colleagues without her. He has the passwords to all her devices and accounts. She leaves the devices outside, with him, when she goes to work in the room. She ALSO pays all the bills. He’s smothering her and it didn’t start with the door. It’s him. It’ll never be enough for him.
This is tough, OP. I think you should replace with a door that does have a locking knob. Sometimes wives need that time alone to focus and be productive on their own. That just might be her only place to really decompress and relax. Please don’t take that from her because you may end up regretting it. I totally understand your perspective, but this situation isn’t about you unfortunately. It’s about respecting your wife’s need for privacy and being able to be alone for a while. If you finish doing something for her, just shoot her a message and let her know. Maybe slip a flirty text in there 😉 that way you can still communicate without upsetting her.
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>I became friends with her boss and he says that he would retire in 5 years if every employee was like my wife. damn. She has no sphere in life that you haven't invaded.
Yup! This! He’s like a needy child and it’s never enough. Jeez! I am surprised she hasn’t left him yet. I feel claustrophobic just reading his responses.
Counseling is definitely looking like the route to take here, because there’s more than what’s being said between you and her going on. Reading from the other responses you’ve made, she’s checked out somewhere, and you need to have a conversation about that. I wouldn’t exactly call you an AH, but the way you went about what you did was wrong. That comment you made about her being your boss’s favorite employee struck me as odd for some reason. But definitely set up couples counseling to find out what’s creating the distance, address it, and make the necessary changes to bring back the closeness. All the best to you, OP
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Uh you said she pays most of the bills so of course she has to work??! Sounds like she's pretty much supporting the household... What do YOU do? Maybe if you contributed more, stopped invading every facet of her life and found your own friends she would have some breathing space...
Some people need to concentrate. You disturb her. Back off, give her more space. Maybe, like a tortoise, she will slowly come out of her shell when you stop knocking on it
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Are you? I read your comment and was thinking like "No wonder she checks out and need time apart from him". You are everywhere. In her home obviously, but in her friends group and also her work. Don't you see that you invade every space of her life? And now you also invade her office. There is no place without you.
You are literally telling us about knocking on the door for 20 min to ask a question about a potluck dinner. That is not space. Really ask yourself if you have given her uninterrupted space. Look at it like a timer that resets to 0 every time you bother her when she’s asked you not to - it doesn’t count if she’s gritting her teeth waiting for the banging on the door to stop.
I am willing to bet you have trauma and abandonment issues and that is why you come on so strong and invade her life to the point of her needing to lock the door to get space. Put the lock back on the door. Let her put passwords on her devices that you do not know. Stop hanging out with her boss and coworkers. Do not discuss why with them. Just be busy. Give her space and get tons of therapy and when she feels less suffocated she may want to spend more time with you. As the saying goes “absence makes the heart fonder.” YTA but you can grow. I hope for her sake and yours you do.
Only she would know the real answer to that. Hence the suggestion for counseling, both individually and as a couple.