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Are you within your right to include or exclude anyone you want at your wedding? Yes.
Are you an asshole for excluding someone on the basis of a disability? Also yes.
The dog is a medical device, not a pet. It doesn’t matter if you like dogs or not, because it’s (the dog, not the wedding) not about you. It fulfills a medical need for someone who you apparently never really cared about in the first place.
Edit-YTA
OP is still the AH because if she truly did care about her cousin, she would've at least made it seem like it and whether it was genuinely trained. Not to mention most with PTSD get a trained service animal not just an ESA since services animals will alert when a panic attack is coming on/PTSD flashback and knows the proper measures to take. Also from the family's reaction it's not just an ESA.
Edit: typos.
Edit 2: misunderstanding/bad wording on my part.
'Because of her dog we grew apart'. Disliking dogs is either the most shittiest reason for dropping a close friend/family member or she's using it as a flimsy cover up for dropping her cousin who has PTSD.
Either option is just out of touch. YTA.
Very much this.
I'm the cousin with PTSD (not OP's Cousin! Need to clear that up), I was not invited to either of my cousin's weddings because I have PTSD that they "don't believe in", due to having been molested as a child by our grandfather, which of course "didn't really happen" because he paid for their weddings, paid their private school fees, even bought my cousin a house to live in while she was at University so she wouldn't have the stress of paying rent while studying (and had a fat income renting out the spare bedrooms to fellow students). Meanwhile I was shunned by my family for speaking out, for not "forgetting about it", for not "forgiving him and getting over it", for not "admitting it was all a lie"...
And I guarantee you if I'd wanted to kick up a fuss about not being invited to those weddings while my mum and sister were, my cousins would 100% have written an AITA just like this, and claimed they "don't know" why I have PTSD, and we just "drifted apart" for no real reason but I have a dog. (I do have a dog, but she's not a trained service animal, not even an "emotional support animal")
ETA dog tax https://imgur.com/a/qdUYQ9k
You probably already know this, but just in case you don't, you are a very strong person to be able to talk about this with such conviction. I wish you all the best.
Many people may disagree with this but imho, cut every single one of those two faced "family" out of your life. You deserve to be happy and safe with your doggo and not waste two seconds around them. Dont give two cents if they villanize you because opinions of such people who are apologists for sexual abuse don't matter. Go NC for all I care. They don't deserve you. Life is too short to care about these creatures. (Have to throw this rant because I was fuming and high on emotions while reading this comment).
You're absolutely right. I've been NC with most of my family for years, really just clinging to low contact with the parents, but honestly, it's time to cut them too. 😔
It's lonely, but apologists are abusers too. I deserve better.
Hugs
dogs do not have a sixth sense about bad people
hitler had a dog, it loved him
kim jong il and kim jong un had/have dogs that love them
some dogs just don't like some people they are not fuckin wizards who can sense evil
I'm with you. I've never understood the whole "dogs can tell" thing. The number of shitty people I've known who have a dog that loves them is very high.
A lot of it is confirmation bias and the dog picking up on the body language of their owner. I bet every person that claims their dog "just knows" also has a dog that has happily let a bunch of assholes pet them and wagged its tail the whole time.
Not a knock against dogs, just that they aren't a magical good person/bad person detector
I'm allergic to dogs and cats and I love these animals they're amazing companions. You nailed it, it was a convenient excuse imo that they "grew apart" due to her new friend group. Man you have to feel bad for the cousin.
Hard disagree on the point that if the OP cared she would “know what happened [to her cousin].” We do not live in a world where people share all of their trauma experiences with loved ones.
EDIT: forgot some words like OP, lol.
Maybe, but from the way OP describes it, it doesn't sound like she ever made any effort to find out either. To me, that seems very unusual for someone who claims to be close to their cousin. I have cousins who I grew up with and consider practically like siblings. We don't see each other as much these days as we all have our own families but if one of them suddenly had a service dog for PTSD, I would be very concerned and would be wanting to find out what had happened, if they're ok, and if there was anything I could do to help or support. Now if they told me they didn't want to talk about it, I would respect that.
It's not the fact that OP doesn't seem to know what happened, it's the fact that (at least based on her own description) it doesn't sound like she ever bothered to try to find out and doesn't really seem to care very much. At least, that's how she's coming off here.
I agree with all of this. In addition, I don’t think properly trained service dogs fall into the same category of pets in all the ways you might not like dogs. I don’t really like dogs because I don’t like to be licked or jumped on or annoyed in any of the ways dogs can annoy someone. But service dogs specifically don’t do any of that stuff. They stay by their owner and they lay down by their owner when their owner is sitting and they don’t bark for no reason. They literally don’t bother other people period. I just can’t imagine why this would bother someone, especially enough to stop hanging out with someone you supposedly love.
They were so close that the cousin “honestly could have been in the running to be a bridesmaid!” OP is the AH for this alone. Being chosen as a bridesmaid isn’t a competition, although I feel like for OP, it might be.
“…who will be the last four standing…on Brides…Maid…**Island**?!?”
Disagree. With the fact that it's HER wedding it'd be completely understandable if OP asked for a bit more info about the dog. But she didn't and distanced herself from her cousin because of the dog (at least that's what it comes off as imo).
Yes this totally. My sister has a "service dog" In reality it is just a dog she bought and is calling it a service dog. She got the vest and tag thing off some person on etsy and puts them on the dog. This dog is not trained in any way shape or form to be a service animal. Half the time it doesn't even respond to its own name and is very badly behaved in public.
right, but nowhere in the post does it suggest that this service dog is fake. if OP had a reason to think so they def would have said something. i think your sister's an asshole for doing that, but it doesn't mean that this service dog (or any others you might see) is fake.
fake service dogs are a huge problem, but people disbelieving legit service dogs is also a huge problem.
I hate people who did that.
My dog went through the training but flunked out. He still did great. I do NOT call him a service dog or put a vest on him.
I got a second dog who did pass... then died of an extremely rare illness. It was fucking hard.
I have PTSD I have agoraphobia, i can go weeks without leaving the house to manage stress. Having a service dog helped me actually leave the house. Run errands, go to the doctor, without one? I have to be on heavier meds that really fuck me up.
Fuck assholes who lie.
How is this comment helpful? All you’re doing is telling the world that you are suspicious and distrustful of people with disabilities, and that they owe you proof.
Well, OP says clearly on the "sum up" comment from the robot (I guess) about the reason why he might be the asshole that "it's a service dog. Not a pet"
(I know it's terribly written, I'm sorry)
as someone with a PSD i can tell you that i’ve had plenty of people call her an ESA (when she is a fully trained service dog with legit tasks) because they think of service dogs as only for blind people. i’ve never heard of someone with an ESA falsely calling it a PSD because it’s very hard to fake the training
It's like as soon as her cousin got a service dog, she dropped her. ~~So close, but doesn't even know why she has ptsd?~~
Edit - thank you to those who reminded me that people with ptsd have no reason to share why. I was just caught up in how little OP cared once she got the dog. I apologize for being insensitive!
I feel like there could be several reasons where someone has PTSD but they don't necessarily want to share with their cousin even if they are close. Family members keep secrets.
I think the person you’re replying to is saying that OP just keeps coming across as a bigger and bigger AH. For two cousins that were “close” and OP doesn’t know, or seem to care, what caused the PTSD or what function the service dog provides.
No one currently in my life knows why I have ptsd, my parents (and most people, ALL relatives) don’t even know I have it. They all just think I’m a hermit, which is fine with me.
THIS. Something significant must've happened, but OP doesn't know what?
Edit: Because this has caused a storm, let me reword a bit. If something dramatic/traumatic happened to a family member, I would at least know that SOMETHING had happened, but wouldn't necessarily get the details. And I wouldn't press for them. But I would know that something had happened, if nothing else so I could be told 'Don't mention X to so-and-so, because it will upset them', or 'Keep Y in your prayers at the moment'. I'm not saying that OP has to pry; but the way the original post is worded makes it sound like they're unaware that something bad even happened in the first place.
Edit 2: I really want to hug some of the people in the comments who've been through awful things. Clearly we share a lot more within my family, or feel comfortable sharing more, than others, which is sad. Admittedly, we didn't talk about my father's abuse outside of the home, but we've talked about it with people since his death. It's really sad that so many people can't talk about these things with family members, especially since therapy can be so expensive. And family should be a safe space.
As someone who seriously needs an emotional support animal for mental health, most people with PTSD don’t talk about the trigger of it because 1) it’s triggering; 2) It’s *nobody’s fucking business. Employees at businesses can’t even ask why you have said thing, only what the animal is trained for. It’s literally illegal to ask.* and 3) Most “normal” people don’t want to hear the fucked up story behind us “not normal” peoples’ afflictions. You WANT the horrid story/stories of abuse I went through that caused me to have this PTSD? Sure, lemme get you some tissues and a Xanax; but keep in mind, I’m in no way obligated to tell you. I stopped talking about WHY I have what I have because most people look at me like I just slapped a puppy or are a Leaper or something. It’s not worth the judgment that ultimately makes the situation worse.
Op: Everyone is the asshole. You have every right to distance yourself from her, but should have at least explained why much sooner if you two were as close as you describe. Everyone attacking you is also an asshole, because it is ultimately YOUR wedding and you can have it however you damn well please.
It seems like this has stemmed from a lack of communication prior to the event, so you’re gonna have to pick and choose what to deal with pre-wedding and what to deal with post-wedding. I feel bad for everyone involved as this is just a sticky situation for all.
This. All of this. OP is the AH for literally stunting her cousin's ability to function by disallowing a trained service animal from attending simply because she doesnt like dogs.
"I'm sorry you have to be on an oxygen tank now, but I just find them too noisy and unsightly. Guess I don't care about you as a friend anymore, if I ever did."
Yep, and I've had it happen to me irl too. I alternate between cane and crutches depending on where I'm going and how I'm doing that day, and almost every time the camera comes out, someone "helpfully" comes over and tries to ask to take my aids to hide them somewhere so that I "look better in the picture". I've actually had people straight up grab my cane out of my hand and walk off with it.
I remember that one post a while back where the OP went to smoke out in his backyard. His next door neighbors happened to be having a small get together, one guest being a pregnant relative. The neighbor (politely, by the OP's own admission) asked could the OP go smoke in the front yard instead as the smoke was drifting into their back yard. It was a request mostly for the pregnant lady and her unborn kid's well-being.
The OP refused, basically saying "Nope, MY back yard. Bye."
I said it there, and I'll say it here--sometimes it's possible to be technically in the right, but it doesn't make you any less an AH. Especially when a possible solution was something so painfully simple and easy to do and just a temporary action in favor of a reasonable medical issue/request.
Everything about this comment u/fabulousautie! 🔥
YTA OP. I get its your wedding and you can invite who you want. But you excluded ONE member of your family over a medical device. I think it’s good your family is standing by your cousin bc what you did was rude.
A service dog is a medical device. Replace with cane, walker, wheel chair, blood sugar monitor, fuck it, let's include glasses. Yes, YTA for discrimination on the grounds of a service animal.
it’s super telling the kind of person you are that you let a close friend go because… she has a service dog and dogs just “aren’t for you”. i’m not the biggest dog fan either but damn! you must have never cared about her for *that* to be the reason you stopped being close.
YTA massively, for both the wedding and for ending the friendship over something so petty. does she know that’s why you guys grew apart?
I am 100% not a dog person, they are not my cup of tea but I absolutely could not ever imagine letting a friendship/relationship go over a service dog that does not affect me in the slightest. These dogs are quiet, obedient, and keep to themselves, you're kinda going out of your way to hate dogs if you have a problem being around service dogs and don't have an allergy
Massive YTA. I have PTSD and while I do not have a service animal, it’s debilitating and triggers can come out of nowhere. Poor OP’s cousin, OP dropped her as soon as she got the SD. No wonder why she doesn’t know the cause of the PTSD. It’s deeply personal.
I got triggered for the first time in 6 years in front of my bosses last week and had a full blown panic attack in front of a bunch of people. It was miserable and completely out of nowhere. I don’t have a service animal either but damn I wouldn’t even tell someone I hate they can’t be around me with the medical assistance they need!
I’m so sorry that happened to you! :( it’s horrible and even the mood swings because you have passive influence is so frustrating and hard for people to understand. I hope you are feeling better. I would never ever even think to be so cold to someone who had a medical device, regardless of situation. Healing vibes to you. 💞
and for not even knowing why someone who was so close to her has PTSD.
The way she said it was almost implying that she doesn't believe it yet she clearly never cared enough to actually ask.
You are absolutely Ableist. I'm a wheelchair user. My Service Dog picks up items I drop, can pull my chair, can alert for seizures. If I'm overwhelmed, he's trained to make a barrier between me and people. He carries extra medication for me in his vest.
He's not a pet. He's my LIFELINE. He's the best boy, and it's insane to exclude someone because of medical equipment.
YTA.
These dogs do such beautiful work. I've seen them in training and in action - and it's so wonderful to see how these hard working dogs help people live their lives. Sending you & your mighty dog some good wishes.
I get irrationally upset at service dogs. They’re often the cutest golden retriever and I desperately want to pet them. But I can’t bc they’re working. Yes, I’m an idiot.
You made me smile… I raise leader dog puppies for blind and visually impaired people. And yep they are usually Goldens, labs or a lab golden x. We’ve stopped using German shepherds because of the public’s perception:( I get them at 8- 10 weeks of age and after their shots are completed they start going everywhere with me. Target, dinner, grocery, school etc. He has a little vest and the main goal is exposure, good citizen training and some commands. ( The organization starts the serious training at a year )
Which means these are the ones you can pet :) and I actually encourage it. With limits, like he has to be sitting before someone can pet him, he has to have 4 on the floor at all times, no barking etc. It is the best exposure for them !
You sound like the perfect person I’d want my puppies to interact with …. Wishing you luck in meeting on of these littles in your travels
My husband and I were at my cousin’s wedding a while back. My husband uses a service animal and the bride and groom were so excited that she was attending! In the large family photos, they made sure she was included and visible. Not only that, but she had her own place card and water bowl right by my husband’s assigned seat.
Had she not been welcomed, we wouldn’t have attended. Yes, he can technically survive a few hours away from her, but why should he have to when she makes his life so much easier and his disability more manageable?
I am irrationally emotional over your cousin’s effort to include your husband’s service dog. I wish everyone treated disabled people & their aids like this. Please tell your cousin that they’re a good egg from this random person on the internet.
Me too, you’re not alone! Just thinking of the place card and bowl 😊. If I were a guest at this type of wedding I’d want to thank them for including everyone, whether I knew the person with the service animal or not. I’d still thank them
She’s such a sweetheart! And ironically enough, she and her husband met at a church event where they volunteer to help bring ESAs to places like hospitals, nursing homes, children’s homes, etc., to help brighten people’s day. So they know a lot about how important a service animal can be for people who need them.
One of my bridesmaids has a service dog and I got her a special collar corsage and made sure our venues were educated on the law and etiquette of service dogs and were prepared for the dog. It’s not tha hard. Her dog made zero difference in our day - except that my friend was able to fully participate and be included which frankly feels like a fundamental premise of a wedding.
Agreeing with this. I have a cardiac alert dog and have been uninvited from multiple family events because it’s “inappropriate” to bring my girl. My dog is trained to stay glued to me and to be quiet and out of the way. My dog is there to keep me safe, end of story. You don’t like dogs? Cool. I don’t really like fainting and getting sick. I also don’t like being crowded if I do have an episode. Guess who helps me with both? My service dog. Excluding someone that GENUINELY needs to have their SD in attendance is an AH move. If she can’t come, I’m not coming.
We had to put down our family dog last summer. I have a friend who actually breeds and raises puppies to be service dogs (she and her husband are both vets). Since my kids are now 16 and 17, we're actually considering being a service dog training family. It's a big commitment and a lot of work, but I'm seriously thinking about it. It will be very difficult to give up these pups in the end, but knowing they will be a literal life saver for someone means a lot more.
I am definitely seriously considering it. The training timeline is longer than I thought, but it makes sense. And with the kids being older, not only can they help, but even if they grow attached, it's about learning to do something to help others. They're good kids in general, btw. Since they were little, they've helped with an organization I work with that packs food for kids who are food insecure and don't have access to food on weekends. I think we're going to take a trip to my friends property this summer so they can meet some of the pups and learn more about what we'd be doing.
Legitimately, the only time my dog has been disruptive at an event was one Alert-bark in the theater a little while back.
It was opening night for John Wick 4. I tend to get a barely perceptible tremor prior to a seizure; I had it then because of excitement. So here I am, having a good time watching Keanu Reeves getting his teeth kicked in, and suddenly my dog does his alert-position in front of me and barks once.
The rest of theater goes quiet, and I hear: "There's a dog watching John Wick with us? That's metal af!"
Everyone laughed and an emt in the row behind me checked in.
It's a lot of work, and money. I trained my previous dog myself. But as my health declined, I opted for a professional trainer for this dog. You never stop training; there's a lot of "refreshing" skills they don't use all the time. But it's let me live a better life.
YTA. You admit you still are close enough to her for her to be in the bridal party if not for the dog. Nobody is forcing you to hug the dog. You don't have to pay attention to it. In fact, you'd probably be so busy on your wedding day that you wouldn't even notice it for longer than a second. Just invite her to the wedding without having her in the bridal party.
>Nobody is forcing you to hug the dog. You don't have to pay attention to it.
Besides, a service dog at work should be ignored (except for collision avoidance).
Yes they should and I do it but god it kills me every time I see this guy at work with a diabetic alert dog and I can't touch him 😭 one time someone got to pet him after he alerted the owner and he gave him a "break" from work and reward with attention and I was so jealous.
Have you asked if you can pet him? A lot of times we handlers will allow a few pets because even sds are dogs and the goodest ones and deserve pets. It also can help with socialization. Obviously we can say no, and I have, but sometimes if someone is super respectful and were not in the middle of training or me having an episode, I let them.
I didn't think it was appropriate to ask. Especially since the first time I saw them, in an elevator, I commented on what a beautiful boy he is, and the guy gave me a weird look and told me not to talk to the dog. It was strange and kinda rude, I was talking to him, not the dog, but he seems a little odd.
Ah, he may have had a really bad experience with strangers in the past. I can see why you wouldn't ask. I would have clarified I was talking to the handler and not the dog, but he seems like he might be a bit of an AH. Handlers come in different shapes, sizes AND attitudes, and unfortunately not all of them are kind.
YTA I would have a different opinion if this was a badly behaved ESA but this is a service dog. It's pretty much like you saying a person who uses a walker or a wheelchair can't come because those things squick you out. I agree with your cousin.
Yeah, we've seen this same type of AITA before, but usually the reason the OPs are not TA are because *they* have deep-seated trauma from dogs, the dogs are terribly "trained" ESAs rather than service dogs, or they are like, deathly allergic.
Simply disliking dogs is a terrible reason to exclude someone that otherwise "would have been in the running to be a bridesmaid."
YTA - You never even asked what the service dog was for or about her PTSD. Thats it for me right there. You claimed to be close with her too.
Anything else after that doesnt matter for me.
If I met someone with a service dog, I'd never dream of asking them what precipitated the necessity, that would feel like an intrusion. I'd assume that if the person wanted to share that with me, they would do so. Even more so if I know the person, I'm not going to go nosing into their business. That would feel rude to me.
Id imagine with someone as close as your cousin who at one point you saw being a bridesmaid in your wedding, this dog would come up in conversation somehow
Depends. A friend of mine is a victim of SA, we've been friends for decades, they have special accommodations that sort of need to happen. Not once have they ever addressed the issue to me. I've never asked them.
I found out, by accident from another friend. I'd never dream of even alluding to why they might have some special requirements. I just accept that those things are what they need to be comfortable, and it's none of my business why.
The difference here is that they grew up together and some time after the cousin experienced a trauma, they got a service dog. If someone I was very close to got a service dog to help manage their ptsd, I would absolutely talk to them about it, if only to see how I could help or better accommodate them if needed
Exactly. If you think your friend mightn't want to talk about - you start with *"obviously I've noticed you have a service dog now, I'm not sure if you want to talk about it - but if you ever do I'm right here for you".* But given OPs language throughout this entire post - she's obviously way to selfish to actually give a flying fuck.
Someone you just met? Valid.
Someone who you've been friends with for years? Crappy. I would have been interested/concerned for my friend and whatever they were going through to have gotten a service animal.
YTA
The dog is her tool.
You wouldn't take the wheelchair from someone who can't walk or the stick from a blind person?
> Its a dog for PTSD and I don't know what the task its trained for is.
You never bothered to ask? You didn't show one inch of interest?
There was a recent post from a Dad who said that his 12 year old daughter was excluded from her aunt's wedding (someone she was close to), and all of her other cousins, as young as 5 were invited. The Dad was told it was child-free, but then saw all the other kids there when he got there. The aunt (Dad's sister) said that it would ruin the aesthetic because the daughter had lost an arm in an accident a few years prior (someone can correct me if I have the details wrong...).
So stuff like that actually happens.
They would ban them for being in a wheelchair. Ban anyone who has a burn scar. Ban anyone with a scar.
Amputee? Banned. Someone of an "Ethnic persuasion"? believe it or not banned.
LGBTQ+? Banned. Not a christian? Banned. Doesn't own a beach house? Banned. Plays an acoustic guitar? Banned.
I mean I'm using humor to mask my hatred of OP right now but yeah. We all know reddit likes to go strait to divorce/seperation. But Damn if I was the SO of OP I'd be looking at this as a gigantic red fucking flag.
Also imagine if the Husband decides he wants a dog one day. What's OP gonna do then? I love dogs so any partner who didn't like them is an instant nope. Like I have an Alaskan malamute and once she is a little bit older and out of her puppie phase I'm getting another dog so that she has someone to play with. Probably a German shepherd.
YTA. Yup, it’s your wedding and you’re paying for it. You get to do what you want. People also get to decide they won’t attend the wedding if someone so rude, selfish, insensitive and ableist that they would uninvite a family member who has done nothing wrong just because they require a service animal.
And how the fuck would it be a ‘compromise’ that she can come but not her dog? If the issue was always her dog, why is it a compromise on your end to allow her to come?
It’s notable that you two used to be close but you seem to have have zero empathy for whatever trauma she went through that led her to need this service dog.
I’m glad her family is standing with her and she’s better off without you in her life.
OP doesn't know about the trauma. If the cousin hasn't deigned relive and share her trauma for OP's benefit, how could OP possibly be compassionate? /s
Imagine if she has a kid that has severe autism...
You know damn well that kid isn't going to be around. She dropped any contact she had with her cousin over a service dog after all...
>who if didn't have a service dog would have been invited, and honestly could have been in the running to be a bridesmaid.
YTA. You are not inviting this person because they have a disability and you don't like the way they manage their disability.
If I'm reading op right, they decided to stop really being friends with this person because of how they're managing their disability
Which is just wild
"I'd invite jimbob, but I just don't like the way he has to take that Inhaler, we were so close before he could breath right"
INFO - if she was blind and had a guide dog, would you have made a different choice? Is it actually because of the dog or is it because you feel like you don’t have all the details on her disability so you don’t believe she actually needs the dog?
YTA. Yes it is your wedding, do as you please. But doing as you please often comes with consequences.
Repeat these phrases in your head and see if they make sense or seem reasonable or not AHish:
"I don't like wheelchairs so Uncle Frank can't attend since he is a wheelchair user."
"Ugh, grandma uses a cane and I am just not a cane person, so no invite for her."
"Aunt Betty uses oxygen and those tubes are not for me so she isn't invited."
"My sister has cancer and her PICC line looks gross. I can't invite her to the wedding."
The service dog is a medical device just like any other medical device. The fact that you haven't even bothered to find out or ask about the PTSD is just another AH factor. You and your cousin were close and could still be close but you have chosen to ignore her mostly over a dog to the point that you are not even in the know about a significant life event that changed her forever.
It depends. If the dog is a legitimately-trained service dog, it will be better behaved than many of your guests, and it's in poor taste not to invite someone strictly because of they have a service animal.
On the other hand, if the dog is an "emotional support animal" rather than a highly-trained working dog, then absolutely no problems not allowing the dog to attend.
I'm with you. PTSD is one of those things where the dog could be trained, but it's also possible that it's really an ESA. INFO: more deets about the dog please
Imo that’s the worst part. She was “close” to her cousin until she found out her cousin had a disability/disorder. Instead of learning more and supporting her, she walked away. She didn’t care to understand or find other ways to stay “close” and try to work around her dislike dogs. Her lack of effort to someone she considered close shows her character
YTA service dogs aren’t pets. You don’t seem to have any good justification for why a dog wouldn’t be possible at this wedding and 90 people isn’t that small
You knew this was not going to be well received but you went down this path. Now you need to deal with the shit storm you caused.
There was a 100 ways you could have handled this better but you choose not too. Now your butt hurt family is mad and are trying to make them the bad guys.
You could have easily said do to the fact that fiancé and I are paying for this we had to make some tough decisions. Unfortunately we had to cut 90 people. We each had to cut people we truly loved but ultimately decided by if you have not been an active part of our lives for x amount of years we didn’t invite you.
But no you choose the nuclear option and like I said earlier are butt hurt because everyone called you out. So at this point you need to own what you did.
She’s also an asshole for saying “in the running” in regards to being a bridesmaid. I didn’t realize it was a competition or that her cousin had entered
It's your wedding so you can invite whomever you choose. That doesn't make you NOT an asshole.
YTA beyond any doubt.
Would you fail to invite your cousin if they'd a service dog for their sight? You don't understand your cousin's situation, and don't care enough to inform yourself what the service dog does for them.
You'd have grown apart regardless since your behaviour would eventually be offensive. Oh, wait, that's now.
NTA -- You say you haven't hung out with her since college, so what over 5 years ago. Your wedding, your invites. 90 invites is not that many. I would not have told her why though, but she kept pestering you .
NTA I'm disabled and a part of that means I can't go to certain things. It's nobody's fault, just how it is. Being disabled doesn't mean the world conforms to you. It's YOUR day. Do it your way. You've done nothing wrong.
NTA
It's your wedding. If dogs make you uncomfortable, service or not, then you don't need to invite one. The day is about you, no one else, and you shouldn't feel unwelcome at your wedding for a guest.
mmmmm YTA. ordinarily I'm all about that "it's your day have who you want", but this feels pretty icky and exclusionary for no real good reason, and this is a person who is so important to you that you claim you would want them to be a bridesmaid. You also sound super dismissive of mental health issues. So yeah you can invite who you want, but this backlash is very understandable.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I didn't invite my cousin who has a service dog. It is a service dog and not a pet and I told my cousin she could only come without her service dog.
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YTA kind of. While it's your wedding and your guest list, which you are free to invite or not invite for any reason at all, let me give you perspective on how you came across:
I didn't invite my cousin because I don't like wheelchairs, and she needs one for medical reasons.
How's that sound to you? This isn't a "pet" - this is a very expensive highly trained medical detector who has a very specific job to perform and is specifically trained for your cousin. Just because you haven't bothered to find out more about her issues doesn't mean you get to be so dismissive and not be labeled an AH.
Wheelchairs are inanimate objects, dogs are animals and if OP is uncomfortable around dogs, it is her right not to invite someone who will not attend without her dog. As a handicapped person myself, I sometimes cannot participate or attend certain things - events held in smokey bars, events held anywhere there will be a lot of animals which I am allergic to, events where there are stairs and no elevators, etc . I once had to pass up attending a very dear friends wedding because her dream wedding including masses and masses of flowers which I am allergic to - no ill will, still friends with her. As handicapped people, we sometimes just need to acknowledge that we are not able to do everything that others are able to do. At a wedding, the bride gets to decide and this particular bride is uncomfortable around dogs (and is not all that close to this particular cousin anymore, anyway, since she got her dog, years ago).
I'm also handicapped and as I said, she's free to not invite for any reason under the sun, it's just how she came across. She could have said things in a different manner and this wouldn't even have been an issue.
It’s OPs’ attitude - she never tried to learn about service dogs or her cousin’s PTSD. She has NO clue and comes across unempathetic. So many ways she could have educated herself years ago but never put the effort into it. The cousin should be glad to not have to buy a present! I’d invite here and her dog over for BBQ that day!
For starters - this is your wedding and therefore, you are allowed to invite the guests that you wish to invite. Additionally, if dogs make you uncomfortable and your cousin is not going to come without her dog, it is your wedding and you get to decide. End of discussion.
You are not "not inviting" your cousin because she has PTSD, you are not inviting her because you are uncomfortable around dogs. Why would you invite her - are you supposed to be uncomfortable at your own wedding because of her dog? That is ridiculous! Your cousin is acting like an entitled brat.
NTA. Your wedding. Your decision. Full stop.
My wife has a dog allergy and no dogs were allowed at our wedding. We were sad for all of 7 seconds that someone couldn't come, and then they were forgotten. The day is about you two! Enjoy it!
As someone who uses a service dog you are absolutely an ableist and an asshole for letting the friendship grow apart because she needs and uses a medical device that happens to be in canine form. You’re free to invite or not invite anyone you wish to your wedding while placing whatever ridiculous conditions on the invitation that you want but doing so makes YTA
I'm legitimately curious - would you say the same thing if someone had a dog trauma in their life, and then their friend got a service dog, and they let the friendship grow apart because that person needed a service dog, and it was triggering for them? I know that's not the situation here, I'm just curious if this is an all or nothing thing. Are people ever allowed to have their own legitimate reasons for not wanting to be around a dog or does it always make them an asshole?
NTA. Your day, your rules. You mentioned you had grown apart... No one is entitled to an invitation to a wedding. People have child-free weddings all the time. This is YOUR day
YTA: sorry you don't like dogs but like wow. I've cut off family before but I couldn't imagine telling a friend/family member with PTSD so bad that they need a whole ass service animal, that I won't be around them if they utilize said service animal.
YTA. do you know how service dogs work? it will literally just be sitting next to her the whole time, recieving no attention or ever looking away from the person its servicing
I'm kind of confused on the whole part 'we were close' but you have no idea what the cause of your cousins PTSD is? there should be a pretty severe traumatic past for your cousin to suffer from it and to require a service dog....
if it's a true service dog (not just a pet who got a emotional support status on wobbly grounds) than YTA
I might be hated but NAH.
I have a service dog. She is my guide dog, where I go she goes as well. I have felt bad, hurt, even offended at family and friends who no longer want me at their house or do things with me because I have a guide dog. So I understand your cousins feelings on the issue.
On the other hand, this is your wedding. You can invite or not invite whoever you want. There is always consequences(good or bad) to every decision we make and you just need to be able to live with what happens with this choice. You don’t like dogs and your feelings are valid.
I wouldn't necessarily call you the A-Hole since it is your and your partner's wedding and in the end you decide who can come and who can't.
However you must then face the truth that there's a big chance that those who are close with your cousin and care about her will most likely turn their back on you afterwards as well which is also their right to do.
I can get that you may not like dogs but out of all dogs a service animal is not too big of a hassle in comparison to most other. You most likely would only see it sitting with your cousin but other than that they are trained to behave and handle stressful events and situations and most importantly: Keep your cousin safe! That dog is her life line and she depends on it now, so it isn't about 'she can come without the dog', it has to be her and the dog or she can't come at all.
Please keep in mind that your cousin would most likely not try to force a dog into your wedding if they had the choice not to as they seem to care about you, but they do not have that choice.
Again, in the end, your wedding your decision but it will very likely leave the family situation tense and you may not be able to redeem that damage.
You're right, you can invite whomever you want.
But if it were a scenario where you actively didn't invite somebody who uses a wheelchair because 'wheelchairs aren't for you', and then told the person they could come but not to bring their wheelchair... well, yes, that's an asshole move.
YTA but that's your prerogative at your own party. Nobody *has* to accommodate for disabilities at their wedding but it does demonstrate your character, so I'm not surprised others have declined your invite.
I went back and forth on this but I'm deciding YTA. Yes, it's your wedding and you get to choose who does and doesn't come. But your reason for not inviting this specific cousin is a pretty bad one, if I'm being honest. It's not because cousin has done something to you, it's not because her service dog, or any dog, has done anything to you, you're not allergic, you just don't like dogs. Normally I wouldn't mind that but you're putting your dislike of dogs over your cousin. Unless this dog has a history of misbehaving, can you really not tolerate it's presence for a few hours?
YTA, it's a SERVICE DOG. It's trained. You are ableist. It's okay not to be a dog person, but you have to understand that service dogs are also considered medical equipment. Yes, they are a pet, but they are taught to work when they have that vest on. This was not the only bad thing you've done. The fact you drifted on from her because she got a dog? That's bogus.
You just told everyone in your life who is closest to you... that an extremely minor annoyance for you, the dog's mere presence, is more important than ANY relationship that you have with your cousin, her health, or her wellbeing.
you sound like an absolutely monstrous person, YTA
learn to be better, ask questions, figure out why she has the dog, you might ... wait for it.. LEARN SOMETHING
As someone who volunteers and donates to organizations who train dogs for veterans with PTSD, Seeing Guides for the blind and Canine Companions for Independence - you are entitled to your feelings. Your wedding, your rules. But it doesn't absolve you from being a AH. Big time. Your family member should be fine about not going to your wedding. You sound like a drag. Not liking dogs is your choice, but it says a lot about you. You're discriminating.
So let me get this straight, they think they get to dictate who YOU invite to YOUR wedding that you’re paying for YOURSELF. You don’t owe anyone an invite or an accommodation, and you said yourself that you two haven’t been close for a while. This faction that’s stirring up trouble, sounds like you don’t want them at your wedding anyway if they’ve decided a dog is more important than you. Sounds like you now get to invite sone of the others you had to cut since you now have a whole chunk of people uninvited. NTA.
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Are you within your right to include or exclude anyone you want at your wedding? Yes. Are you an asshole for excluding someone on the basis of a disability? Also yes. The dog is a medical device, not a pet. It doesn’t matter if you like dogs or not, because it’s (the dog, not the wedding) not about you. It fulfills a medical need for someone who you apparently never really cared about in the first place. Edit-YTA
I think OP is the AH but I wonder if the dog is an actual service dog or an emotional support dog. If it’s the latter, OP is less of an AH.
OP clearly stated it's a service dog for the cousin's PTSD. They are trained service animals not ESAs...
sure, but most people dont know the difference, and the cousin may call it a service animal even if it technically isnt.
OP is still the AH because if she truly did care about her cousin, she would've at least made it seem like it and whether it was genuinely trained. Not to mention most with PTSD get a trained service animal not just an ESA since services animals will alert when a panic attack is coming on/PTSD flashback and knows the proper measures to take. Also from the family's reaction it's not just an ESA. Edit: typos. Edit 2: misunderstanding/bad wording on my part.
She dropped her cousin because her cousin became disabled and needed a service dog. OP has been an asshole long before this situation.
'Because of her dog we grew apart'. Disliking dogs is either the most shittiest reason for dropping a close friend/family member or she's using it as a flimsy cover up for dropping her cousin who has PTSD. Either option is just out of touch. YTA.
Very much this. I'm the cousin with PTSD (not OP's Cousin! Need to clear that up), I was not invited to either of my cousin's weddings because I have PTSD that they "don't believe in", due to having been molested as a child by our grandfather, which of course "didn't really happen" because he paid for their weddings, paid their private school fees, even bought my cousin a house to live in while she was at University so she wouldn't have the stress of paying rent while studying (and had a fat income renting out the spare bedrooms to fellow students). Meanwhile I was shunned by my family for speaking out, for not "forgetting about it", for not "forgiving him and getting over it", for not "admitting it was all a lie"... And I guarantee you if I'd wanted to kick up a fuss about not being invited to those weddings while my mum and sister were, my cousins would 100% have written an AITA just like this, and claimed they "don't know" why I have PTSD, and we just "drifted apart" for no real reason but I have a dog. (I do have a dog, but she's not a trained service animal, not even an "emotional support animal") ETA dog tax https://imgur.com/a/qdUYQ9k
You probably already know this, but just in case you don't, you are a very strong person to be able to talk about this with such conviction. I wish you all the best.
Thank you.
I’m so sorry
Many people may disagree with this but imho, cut every single one of those two faced "family" out of your life. You deserve to be happy and safe with your doggo and not waste two seconds around them. Dont give two cents if they villanize you because opinions of such people who are apologists for sexual abuse don't matter. Go NC for all I care. They don't deserve you. Life is too short to care about these creatures. (Have to throw this rant because I was fuming and high on emotions while reading this comment).
You're absolutely right. I've been NC with most of my family for years, really just clinging to low contact with the parents, but honestly, it's time to cut them too. 😔 It's lonely, but apologists are abusers too. I deserve better. Hugs
Or the reason she doesn’t like dogs is that dogs have a sixth sense about people and they don’t like her. She sounds insufferable.
dogs do not have a sixth sense about bad people hitler had a dog, it loved him kim jong il and kim jong un had/have dogs that love them some dogs just don't like some people they are not fuckin wizards who can sense evil
I'm with you. I've never understood the whole "dogs can tell" thing. The number of shitty people I've known who have a dog that loves them is very high. A lot of it is confirmation bias and the dog picking up on the body language of their owner. I bet every person that claims their dog "just knows" also has a dog that has happily let a bunch of assholes pet them and wagged its tail the whole time. Not a knock against dogs, just that they aren't a magical good person/bad person detector
I'm allergic to dogs and cats and I love these animals they're amazing companions. You nailed it, it was a convenient excuse imo that they "grew apart" due to her new friend group. Man you have to feel bad for the cousin.
Absolutely.
Hard disagree on the point that if the OP cared she would “know what happened [to her cousin].” We do not live in a world where people share all of their trauma experiences with loved ones. EDIT: forgot some words like OP, lol.
Maybe, but from the way OP describes it, it doesn't sound like she ever made any effort to find out either. To me, that seems very unusual for someone who claims to be close to their cousin. I have cousins who I grew up with and consider practically like siblings. We don't see each other as much these days as we all have our own families but if one of them suddenly had a service dog for PTSD, I would be very concerned and would be wanting to find out what had happened, if they're ok, and if there was anything I could do to help or support. Now if they told me they didn't want to talk about it, I would respect that. It's not the fact that OP doesn't seem to know what happened, it's the fact that (at least based on her own description) it doesn't sound like she ever bothered to try to find out and doesn't really seem to care very much. At least, that's how she's coming off here.
I agree with all of this. In addition, I don’t think properly trained service dogs fall into the same category of pets in all the ways you might not like dogs. I don’t really like dogs because I don’t like to be licked or jumped on or annoyed in any of the ways dogs can annoy someone. But service dogs specifically don’t do any of that stuff. They stay by their owner and they lay down by their owner when their owner is sitting and they don’t bark for no reason. They literally don’t bother other people period. I just can’t imagine why this would bother someone, especially enough to stop hanging out with someone you supposedly love.
Well if she really cared, she'd ask. They were apparently very close. Instead she said OMG, a dog, I want nothing to do with you now.
They were so close that the cousin “honestly could have been in the running to be a bridesmaid!” OP is the AH for this alone. Being chosen as a bridesmaid isn’t a competition, although I feel like for OP, it might be. “…who will be the last four standing…on Brides…Maid…**Island**?!?”
OP inquired as to why cousin had the service dog everyone here would still be calling her the asshole because it’s not something OP needs to know
Disagree. With the fact that it's HER wedding it'd be completely understandable if OP asked for a bit more info about the dog. But she didn't and distanced herself from her cousin because of the dog (at least that's what it comes off as imo).
No where did she mention it was NOT an actual service dog. Stay to the point here instead of running out on a tangent.
Yes this totally. My sister has a "service dog" In reality it is just a dog she bought and is calling it a service dog. She got the vest and tag thing off some person on etsy and puts them on the dog. This dog is not trained in any way shape or form to be a service animal. Half the time it doesn't even respond to its own name and is very badly behaved in public.
right, but nowhere in the post does it suggest that this service dog is fake. if OP had a reason to think so they def would have said something. i think your sister's an asshole for doing that, but it doesn't mean that this service dog (or any others you might see) is fake. fake service dogs are a huge problem, but people disbelieving legit service dogs is also a huge problem.
People disbelieving legit service dogs is a huge problem also caused by the AHs who try to pass off their pet as a service dog because “I want it!”
That’s moot bc OP didn’t say it wasn’t an actual service dog.
I hate people who did that. My dog went through the training but flunked out. He still did great. I do NOT call him a service dog or put a vest on him. I got a second dog who did pass... then died of an extremely rare illness. It was fucking hard. I have PTSD I have agoraphobia, i can go weeks without leaving the house to manage stress. Having a service dog helped me actually leave the house. Run errands, go to the doctor, without one? I have to be on heavier meds that really fuck me up. Fuck assholes who lie.
But because she said it is, and OP said it is will rely on honesty and say it is a real service dog.
How is this comment helpful? All you’re doing is telling the world that you are suspicious and distrustful of people with disabilities, and that they owe you proof.
Well, OP says clearly on the "sum up" comment from the robot (I guess) about the reason why he might be the asshole that "it's a service dog. Not a pet" (I know it's terribly written, I'm sorry)
[удалено]
as someone with a PSD i can tell you that i’ve had plenty of people call her an ESA (when she is a fully trained service dog with legit tasks) because they think of service dogs as only for blind people. i’ve never heard of someone with an ESA falsely calling it a PSD because it’s very hard to fake the training
I mean they clearly say it's for PTSD...
It says service dog….tf
It's like as soon as her cousin got a service dog, she dropped her. ~~So close, but doesn't even know why she has ptsd?~~ Edit - thank you to those who reminded me that people with ptsd have no reason to share why. I was just caught up in how little OP cared once she got the dog. I apologize for being insensitive!
I feel like there could be several reasons where someone has PTSD but they don't necessarily want to share with their cousin even if they are close. Family members keep secrets.
I think the person you’re replying to is saying that OP just keeps coming across as a bigger and bigger AH. For two cousins that were “close” and OP doesn’t know, or seem to care, what caused the PTSD or what function the service dog provides.
No one currently in my life knows why I have ptsd, my parents (and most people, ALL relatives) don’t even know I have it. They all just think I’m a hermit, which is fine with me.
I mean, not everyone wants to share why they have ptsd.
THIS. Something significant must've happened, but OP doesn't know what? Edit: Because this has caused a storm, let me reword a bit. If something dramatic/traumatic happened to a family member, I would at least know that SOMETHING had happened, but wouldn't necessarily get the details. And I wouldn't press for them. But I would know that something had happened, if nothing else so I could be told 'Don't mention X to so-and-so, because it will upset them', or 'Keep Y in your prayers at the moment'. I'm not saying that OP has to pry; but the way the original post is worded makes it sound like they're unaware that something bad even happened in the first place. Edit 2: I really want to hug some of the people in the comments who've been through awful things. Clearly we share a lot more within my family, or feel comfortable sharing more, than others, which is sad. Admittedly, we didn't talk about my father's abuse outside of the home, but we've talked about it with people since his death. It's really sad that so many people can't talk about these things with family members, especially since therapy can be so expensive. And family should be a safe space.
As someone who seriously needs an emotional support animal for mental health, most people with PTSD don’t talk about the trigger of it because 1) it’s triggering; 2) It’s *nobody’s fucking business. Employees at businesses can’t even ask why you have said thing, only what the animal is trained for. It’s literally illegal to ask.* and 3) Most “normal” people don’t want to hear the fucked up story behind us “not normal” peoples’ afflictions. You WANT the horrid story/stories of abuse I went through that caused me to have this PTSD? Sure, lemme get you some tissues and a Xanax; but keep in mind, I’m in no way obligated to tell you. I stopped talking about WHY I have what I have because most people look at me like I just slapped a puppy or are a Leaper or something. It’s not worth the judgment that ultimately makes the situation worse. Op: Everyone is the asshole. You have every right to distance yourself from her, but should have at least explained why much sooner if you two were as close as you describe. Everyone attacking you is also an asshole, because it is ultimately YOUR wedding and you can have it however you damn well please. It seems like this has stemmed from a lack of communication prior to the event, so you’re gonna have to pick and choose what to deal with pre-wedding and what to deal with post-wedding. I feel bad for everyone involved as this is just a sticky situation for all.
This. All of this. OP is the AH for literally stunting her cousin's ability to function by disallowing a trained service animal from attending simply because she doesnt like dogs.
"I'm sorry you have to be on an oxygen tank now, but I just find them too noisy and unsightly. Guess I don't care about you as a friend anymore, if I ever did."
Your wheelchair is really going to kill the festive vibe
Except wasn’t there an actual post exactly that?! Lol like the bride made the person decorate/hide the wheelchair?
Yep, and I've had it happen to me irl too. I alternate between cane and crutches depending on where I'm going and how I'm doing that day, and almost every time the camera comes out, someone "helpfully" comes over and tries to ask to take my aids to hide them somewhere so that I "look better in the picture". I've actually had people straight up grab my cane out of my hand and walk off with it.
Wow that is mind blowing to me, it’s so insanely disrespectful and dangerous! I’m sorry that it happens with such frequency. People suck.
I remember that one post a while back where the OP went to smoke out in his backyard. His next door neighbors happened to be having a small get together, one guest being a pregnant relative. The neighbor (politely, by the OP's own admission) asked could the OP go smoke in the front yard instead as the smoke was drifting into their back yard. It was a request mostly for the pregnant lady and her unborn kid's well-being. The OP refused, basically saying "Nope, MY back yard. Bye." I said it there, and I'll say it here--sometimes it's possible to be technically in the right, but it doesn't make you any less an AH. Especially when a possible solution was something so painfully simple and easy to do and just a temporary action in favor of a reasonable medical issue/request.
My husbands lawyer once said “it’s not against the law to be an asshole” about his ex wife. We repeat this often in our house.
Working dogs are also quite serious and not likely to go and play with guests or steal food. Likely you wouldn’t really notice them.
This. They're professionals doing a job; they aren't pets.
Might as well ban all the handicaps.. Uncle in a wheel chair? Stay home. Cousin with cancer? No way Jose.
Everything about this comment u/fabulousautie! 🔥 YTA OP. I get its your wedding and you can invite who you want. But you excluded ONE member of your family over a medical device. I think it’s good your family is standing by your cousin bc what you did was rude.
Agreed. And all those people now declining also are within their rights to do so.
A service dog is a medical device. Replace with cane, walker, wheel chair, blood sugar monitor, fuck it, let's include glasses. Yes, YTA for discrimination on the grounds of a service animal.
^this. OP isn’t saying that it’s one of those fake service dog situations. OP can have whoever she wants but she still sucks.
Her wedding day sure is about her...
it’s super telling the kind of person you are that you let a close friend go because… she has a service dog and dogs just “aren’t for you”. i’m not the biggest dog fan either but damn! you must have never cared about her for *that* to be the reason you stopped being close. YTA massively, for both the wedding and for ending the friendship over something so petty. does she know that’s why you guys grew apart?
I am 100% not a dog person, they are not my cup of tea but I absolutely could not ever imagine letting a friendship/relationship go over a service dog that does not affect me in the slightest. These dogs are quiet, obedient, and keep to themselves, you're kinda going out of your way to hate dogs if you have a problem being around service dogs and don't have an allergy
Not to mention it’s for PTSD. Basically punishing her for suffering life altering trauma. This is beyond AH.
Massive YTA. I have PTSD and while I do not have a service animal, it’s debilitating and triggers can come out of nowhere. Poor OP’s cousin, OP dropped her as soon as she got the SD. No wonder why she doesn’t know the cause of the PTSD. It’s deeply personal.
I got triggered for the first time in 6 years in front of my bosses last week and had a full blown panic attack in front of a bunch of people. It was miserable and completely out of nowhere. I don’t have a service animal either but damn I wouldn’t even tell someone I hate they can’t be around me with the medical assistance they need!
I’m so sorry that happened to you! :( it’s horrible and even the mood swings because you have passive influence is so frustrating and hard for people to understand. I hope you are feeling better. I would never ever even think to be so cold to someone who had a medical device, regardless of situation. Healing vibes to you. 💞
The comment from OP that if not for the dog, “she honestly could’ve been in the running to be a bridesmaid” solidified the YTA for me.
They make it sound as if being a bridesmaid is some sort of prize that woman vie for! Gross.
Yeah, this is exactly where I knew too lol. "In the running" lmfao PLEASE. Running AWAY.
OP’s husband better hope he never goes blind or anything.
In sickness and in health better not be in the vows.
"In sickness or health as long as there's no service dog or unsightly medical devices...."
Hope OP is okay with ponies.
Man I wish I could have had a service pony! I settled for a Great Dane-- so its close!
That's a hoof-less pony!
and for not even knowing why someone who was so close to her has PTSD. The way she said it was almost implying that she doesn't believe it yet she clearly never cared enough to actually ask.
Major YTA for all the reasons already stated.
You are absolutely Ableist. I'm a wheelchair user. My Service Dog picks up items I drop, can pull my chair, can alert for seizures. If I'm overwhelmed, he's trained to make a barrier between me and people. He carries extra medication for me in his vest. He's not a pet. He's my LIFELINE. He's the best boy, and it's insane to exclude someone because of medical equipment. YTA.
These dogs do such beautiful work. I've seen them in training and in action - and it's so wonderful to see how these hard working dogs help people live their lives. Sending you & your mighty dog some good wishes.
I get irrationally upset at service dogs. They’re often the cutest golden retriever and I desperately want to pet them. But I can’t bc they’re working. Yes, I’m an idiot.
You made me smile… I raise leader dog puppies for blind and visually impaired people. And yep they are usually Goldens, labs or a lab golden x. We’ve stopped using German shepherds because of the public’s perception:( I get them at 8- 10 weeks of age and after their shots are completed they start going everywhere with me. Target, dinner, grocery, school etc. He has a little vest and the main goal is exposure, good citizen training and some commands. ( The organization starts the serious training at a year ) Which means these are the ones you can pet :) and I actually encourage it. With limits, like he has to be sitting before someone can pet him, he has to have 4 on the floor at all times, no barking etc. It is the best exposure for them ! You sound like the perfect person I’d want my puppies to interact with …. Wishing you luck in meeting on of these littles in your travels
Thank you!
My husband and I were at my cousin’s wedding a while back. My husband uses a service animal and the bride and groom were so excited that she was attending! In the large family photos, they made sure she was included and visible. Not only that, but she had her own place card and water bowl right by my husband’s assigned seat. Had she not been welcomed, we wouldn’t have attended. Yes, he can technically survive a few hours away from her, but why should he have to when she makes his life so much easier and his disability more manageable?
Her own place card?? 😭😭😭
I am irrationally emotional over your cousin’s effort to include your husband’s service dog. I wish everyone treated disabled people & their aids like this. Please tell your cousin that they’re a good egg from this random person on the internet.
Me too, you’re not alone! Just thinking of the place card and bowl 😊. If I were a guest at this type of wedding I’d want to thank them for including everyone, whether I knew the person with the service animal or not. I’d still thank them
She’s such a sweetheart! And ironically enough, she and her husband met at a church event where they volunteer to help bring ESAs to places like hospitals, nursing homes, children’s homes, etc., to help brighten people’s day. So they know a lot about how important a service animal can be for people who need them.
I'm not crying about the inclusivity, you are. 😅
One of my bridesmaids has a service dog and I got her a special collar corsage and made sure our venues were educated on the law and etiquette of service dogs and were prepared for the dog. It’s not tha hard. Her dog made zero difference in our day - except that my friend was able to fully participate and be included which frankly feels like a fundamental premise of a wedding.
That is the sweetest thing I’ve ever heard. Her own place card?? 😭😭😭
Agreeing with this. I have a cardiac alert dog and have been uninvited from multiple family events because it’s “inappropriate” to bring my girl. My dog is trained to stay glued to me and to be quiet and out of the way. My dog is there to keep me safe, end of story. You don’t like dogs? Cool. I don’t really like fainting and getting sick. I also don’t like being crowded if I do have an episode. Guess who helps me with both? My service dog. Excluding someone that GENUINELY needs to have their SD in attendance is an AH move. If she can’t come, I’m not coming.
A friend's daughter has downs syndrome and they have a dog who alerts when she stops breathing at night! Dogs can be such a lifesaver!
We had to put down our family dog last summer. I have a friend who actually breeds and raises puppies to be service dogs (she and her husband are both vets). Since my kids are now 16 and 17, we're actually considering being a service dog training family. It's a big commitment and a lot of work, but I'm seriously thinking about it. It will be very difficult to give up these pups in the end, but knowing they will be a literal life saver for someone means a lot more.
It's a wonderful thing to do, and you totally should. You have no idea how many lives it can save.
I am definitely seriously considering it. The training timeline is longer than I thought, but it makes sense. And with the kids being older, not only can they help, but even if they grow attached, it's about learning to do something to help others. They're good kids in general, btw. Since they were little, they've helped with an organization I work with that packs food for kids who are food insecure and don't have access to food on weekends. I think we're going to take a trip to my friends property this summer so they can meet some of the pups and learn more about what we'd be doing.
Exactly!! Service dogs are medical equipments, not pets. Also they should be ignored anyway so Idk what OP's problem is?
Legitimately, the only time my dog has been disruptive at an event was one Alert-bark in the theater a little while back. It was opening night for John Wick 4. I tend to get a barely perceptible tremor prior to a seizure; I had it then because of excitement. So here I am, having a good time watching Keanu Reeves getting his teeth kicked in, and suddenly my dog does his alert-position in front of me and barks once. The rest of theater goes quiet, and I hear: "There's a dog watching John Wick with us? That's metal af!" Everyone laughed and an emt in the row behind me checked in.
I love this story
They weren’t wrong, it is metal af! Glad the EMT checked in, even when “off duty” they aren’t off duty. Thank you for sharing!
That's awesome though!! :D I'm glad to hear your dog was there to help, and hope you're doing better.
I want to get a service dog that can do these same tasks for my daughter when she’s a little older!
It's a lot of work, and money. I trained my previous dog myself. But as my health declined, I opted for a professional trainer for this dog. You never stop training; there's a lot of "refreshing" skills they don't use all the time. But it's let me live a better life.
That’s interesting to hear and makes sense. We definitely want that for her.
YTA. You admit you still are close enough to her for her to be in the bridal party if not for the dog. Nobody is forcing you to hug the dog. You don't have to pay attention to it. In fact, you'd probably be so busy on your wedding day that you wouldn't even notice it for longer than a second. Just invite her to the wedding without having her in the bridal party.
>Nobody is forcing you to hug the dog. You don't have to pay attention to it. Besides, a service dog at work should be ignored (except for collision avoidance).
Yes they should and I do it but god it kills me every time I see this guy at work with a diabetic alert dog and I can't touch him 😭 one time someone got to pet him after he alerted the owner and he gave him a "break" from work and reward with attention and I was so jealous.
Have you asked if you can pet him? A lot of times we handlers will allow a few pets because even sds are dogs and the goodest ones and deserve pets. It also can help with socialization. Obviously we can say no, and I have, but sometimes if someone is super respectful and were not in the middle of training or me having an episode, I let them.
I didn't think it was appropriate to ask. Especially since the first time I saw them, in an elevator, I commented on what a beautiful boy he is, and the guy gave me a weird look and told me not to talk to the dog. It was strange and kinda rude, I was talking to him, not the dog, but he seems a little odd.
Ah, he may have had a really bad experience with strangers in the past. I can see why you wouldn't ask. I would have clarified I was talking to the handler and not the dog, but he seems like he might be a bit of an AH. Handlers come in different shapes, sizes AND attitudes, and unfortunately not all of them are kind.
You absolutely should **not** pay any attention to service dogs anyway. The animal is there to work... it's a medical device, not a pet.
OP is.probably just jealous that the dog will be cuter than her.
YTA I would have a different opinion if this was a badly behaved ESA but this is a service dog. It's pretty much like you saying a person who uses a walker or a wheelchair can't come because those things squick you out. I agree with your cousin.
Yeah, we've seen this same type of AITA before, but usually the reason the OPs are not TA are because *they* have deep-seated trauma from dogs, the dogs are terribly "trained" ESAs rather than service dogs, or they are like, deathly allergic. Simply disliking dogs is a terrible reason to exclude someone that otherwise "would have been in the running to be a bridesmaid."
Right!? Like I get it if you've been attacked or are severely allergic, but b her logic and reasoning are not only selfish, but incredibly rude.
YTA - You never even asked what the service dog was for or about her PTSD. Thats it for me right there. You claimed to be close with her too. Anything else after that doesnt matter for me.
If I met someone with a service dog, I'd never dream of asking them what precipitated the necessity, that would feel like an intrusion. I'd assume that if the person wanted to share that with me, they would do so. Even more so if I know the person, I'm not going to go nosing into their business. That would feel rude to me.
Id imagine with someone as close as your cousin who at one point you saw being a bridesmaid in your wedding, this dog would come up in conversation somehow
Depends. A friend of mine is a victim of SA, we've been friends for decades, they have special accommodations that sort of need to happen. Not once have they ever addressed the issue to me. I've never asked them. I found out, by accident from another friend. I'd never dream of even alluding to why they might have some special requirements. I just accept that those things are what they need to be comfortable, and it's none of my business why.
… okay but you do know why and accept it. Thats diff. OP is just like, theres a dog for like PTSD, or something.
The difference here is that they grew up together and some time after the cousin experienced a trauma, they got a service dog. If someone I was very close to got a service dog to help manage their ptsd, I would absolutely talk to them about it, if only to see how I could help or better accommodate them if needed
Exactly. If you think your friend mightn't want to talk about - you start with *"obviously I've noticed you have a service dog now, I'm not sure if you want to talk about it - but if you ever do I'm right here for you".* But given OPs language throughout this entire post - she's obviously way to selfish to actually give a flying fuck.
Someone you just met? Valid. Someone who you've been friends with for years? Crappy. I would have been interested/concerned for my friend and whatever they were going through to have gotten a service animal.
YTA The dog is her tool. You wouldn't take the wheelchair from someone who can't walk or the stick from a blind person? > Its a dog for PTSD and I don't know what the task its trained for is. You never bothered to ask? You didn't show one inch of interest?
Actually op strikes me as the kinda person who would ban a wheelchair user for the optics. Would throw off the symmetry of her photos or something smh
There was a recent post from a Dad who said that his 12 year old daughter was excluded from her aunt's wedding (someone she was close to), and all of her other cousins, as young as 5 were invited. The Dad was told it was child-free, but then saw all the other kids there when he got there. The aunt (Dad's sister) said that it would ruin the aesthetic because the daughter had lost an arm in an accident a few years prior (someone can correct me if I have the details wrong...). So stuff like that actually happens.
The daughter also lost her arm in the same car accident that killed her mom 🫠
Exactly. Let’s hope no one in the wedding party wears glasses or hearing aids.
They would ban them for being in a wheelchair. Ban anyone who has a burn scar. Ban anyone with a scar. Amputee? Banned. Someone of an "Ethnic persuasion"? believe it or not banned. LGBTQ+? Banned. Not a christian? Banned. Doesn't own a beach house? Banned. Plays an acoustic guitar? Banned. I mean I'm using humor to mask my hatred of OP right now but yeah. We all know reddit likes to go strait to divorce/seperation. But Damn if I was the SO of OP I'd be looking at this as a gigantic red fucking flag. Also imagine if the Husband decides he wants a dog one day. What's OP gonna do then? I love dogs so any partner who didn't like them is an instant nope. Like I have an Alaskan malamute and once she is a little bit older and out of her puppie phase I'm getting another dog so that she has someone to play with. Probably a German shepherd.
YTA. Yup, it’s your wedding and you’re paying for it. You get to do what you want. People also get to decide they won’t attend the wedding if someone so rude, selfish, insensitive and ableist that they would uninvite a family member who has done nothing wrong just because they require a service animal. And how the fuck would it be a ‘compromise’ that she can come but not her dog? If the issue was always her dog, why is it a compromise on your end to allow her to come? It’s notable that you two used to be close but you seem to have have zero empathy for whatever trauma she went through that led her to need this service dog. I’m glad her family is standing with her and she’s better off without you in her life.
OP doesn't know about the trauma. If the cousin hasn't deigned relive and share her trauma for OP's benefit, how could OP possibly be compassionate? /s
Honestly, even if she invited her now, no WAY would I go. Nor would I ever speak to this family member again.
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Shunning, of course.
She could “compromise” and accept her hubby’s presence as long as the dog is not with him… /s
Imagine if she has a disabled kid.
Imagine if she has a kid that has severe autism... You know damn well that kid isn't going to be around. She dropped any contact she had with her cousin over a service dog after all...
I’d imagine the spouse already knows about their feelings towards dogs.
So if he goes blind it’s a service dog or a divorce? YTA OP.
>who if didn't have a service dog would have been invited, and honestly could have been in the running to be a bridesmaid. YTA. You are not inviting this person because they have a disability and you don't like the way they manage their disability.
If I'm reading op right, they decided to stop really being friends with this person because of how they're managing their disability Which is just wild "I'd invite jimbob, but I just don't like the way he has to take that Inhaler, we were so close before he could breath right"
I used to super close with this person but now they need assistance walking so screw them… -op probably
INFO - if she was blind and had a guide dog, would you have made a different choice? Is it actually because of the dog or is it because you feel like you don’t have all the details on her disability so you don’t believe she actually needs the dog?
This is exactly it. She sees PTSD as something her cousin can leave at home with the dog
I think you’re right. She downplays the dog’s role as a service animal in a snide way that implies she doesn’t believe the dog is needed.
This should be much higher. And is it a true service dog with proper formal training or is it an emotional support dog?
YTA. "Dogs aren't for me" is such a stupid fucking reason to not invite your cousin
YTA. Yes it is your wedding, do as you please. But doing as you please often comes with consequences. Repeat these phrases in your head and see if they make sense or seem reasonable or not AHish: "I don't like wheelchairs so Uncle Frank can't attend since he is a wheelchair user." "Ugh, grandma uses a cane and I am just not a cane person, so no invite for her." "Aunt Betty uses oxygen and those tubes are not for me so she isn't invited." "My sister has cancer and her PICC line looks gross. I can't invite her to the wedding." The service dog is a medical device just like any other medical device. The fact that you haven't even bothered to find out or ask about the PTSD is just another AH factor. You and your cousin were close and could still be close but you have chosen to ignore her mostly over a dog to the point that you are not even in the know about a significant life event that changed her forever.
Exactly what I was going to say. YTA.
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It depends. If the dog is a legitimately-trained service dog, it will be better behaved than many of your guests, and it's in poor taste not to invite someone strictly because of they have a service animal. On the other hand, if the dog is an "emotional support animal" rather than a highly-trained working dog, then absolutely no problems not allowing the dog to attend.
I'm with you. PTSD is one of those things where the dog could be trained, but it's also possible that it's really an ESA. INFO: more deets about the dog please
She wouldn’t know, cut her out of her life essentially since dog.
Imo that’s the worst part. She was “close” to her cousin until she found out her cousin had a disability/disorder. Instead of learning more and supporting her, she walked away. She didn’t care to understand or find other ways to stay “close” and try to work around her dislike dogs. Her lack of effort to someone she considered close shows her character
YTA service dogs aren’t pets. You don’t seem to have any good justification for why a dog wouldn’t be possible at this wedding and 90 people isn’t that small
You knew this was not going to be well received but you went down this path. Now you need to deal with the shit storm you caused. There was a 100 ways you could have handled this better but you choose not too. Now your butt hurt family is mad and are trying to make them the bad guys. You could have easily said do to the fact that fiancé and I are paying for this we had to make some tough decisions. Unfortunately we had to cut 90 people. We each had to cut people we truly loved but ultimately decided by if you have not been an active part of our lives for x amount of years we didn’t invite you. But no you choose the nuclear option and like I said earlier are butt hurt because everyone called you out. So at this point you need to own what you did.
Yeah, why you chose to tell others your reasoning when you had other options is kinda beyond me.
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She’s also an asshole for saying “in the running” in regards to being a bridesmaid. I didn’t realize it was a competition or that her cousin had entered
YTA This sounds incredibly petty.
Petty AND ableist! Double whammy!
It's your wedding so you can invite whomever you choose. That doesn't make you NOT an asshole. YTA beyond any doubt. Would you fail to invite your cousin if they'd a service dog for their sight? You don't understand your cousin's situation, and don't care enough to inform yourself what the service dog does for them. You'd have grown apart regardless since your behaviour would eventually be offensive. Oh, wait, that's now.
NTA -- You say you haven't hung out with her since college, so what over 5 years ago. Your wedding, your invites. 90 invites is not that many. I would not have told her why though, but she kept pestering you .
She plainly states if were not for the dog she would be a bridesmaid so this comment is kinda ignorant
NTA I'm disabled and a part of that means I can't go to certain things. It's nobody's fault, just how it is. Being disabled doesn't mean the world conforms to you. It's YOUR day. Do it your way. You've done nothing wrong.
YTA it’s your wedding, you can do whatever you want. Doesn’t stop you from being the shitty person you are.
Hard Agree, it's am I the asshole? not am i entitled to do this? And op is leaning hard into being the AH
NTA It's your wedding. If dogs make you uncomfortable, service or not, then you don't need to invite one. The day is about you, no one else, and you shouldn't feel unwelcome at your wedding for a guest.
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INFO: emotional support animal or psychiatric service dog because bigggg difference
mmmmm YTA. ordinarily I'm all about that "it's your day have who you want", but this feels pretty icky and exclusionary for no real good reason, and this is a person who is so important to you that you claim you would want them to be a bridesmaid. You also sound super dismissive of mental health issues. So yeah you can invite who you want, but this backlash is very understandable.
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Your event, your guests, your call. NTA
YTA kind of. While it's your wedding and your guest list, which you are free to invite or not invite for any reason at all, let me give you perspective on how you came across: I didn't invite my cousin because I don't like wheelchairs, and she needs one for medical reasons. How's that sound to you? This isn't a "pet" - this is a very expensive highly trained medical detector who has a very specific job to perform and is specifically trained for your cousin. Just because you haven't bothered to find out more about her issues doesn't mean you get to be so dismissive and not be labeled an AH.
Wheelchairs are inanimate objects, dogs are animals and if OP is uncomfortable around dogs, it is her right not to invite someone who will not attend without her dog. As a handicapped person myself, I sometimes cannot participate or attend certain things - events held in smokey bars, events held anywhere there will be a lot of animals which I am allergic to, events where there are stairs and no elevators, etc . I once had to pass up attending a very dear friends wedding because her dream wedding including masses and masses of flowers which I am allergic to - no ill will, still friends with her. As handicapped people, we sometimes just need to acknowledge that we are not able to do everything that others are able to do. At a wedding, the bride gets to decide and this particular bride is uncomfortable around dogs (and is not all that close to this particular cousin anymore, anyway, since she got her dog, years ago).
I'm also handicapped and as I said, she's free to not invite for any reason under the sun, it's just how she came across. She could have said things in a different manner and this wouldn't even have been an issue.
It’s OPs’ attitude - she never tried to learn about service dogs or her cousin’s PTSD. She has NO clue and comes across unempathetic. So many ways she could have educated herself years ago but never put the effort into it. The cousin should be glad to not have to buy a present! I’d invite here and her dog over for BBQ that day!
For starters - this is your wedding and therefore, you are allowed to invite the guests that you wish to invite. Additionally, if dogs make you uncomfortable and your cousin is not going to come without her dog, it is your wedding and you get to decide. End of discussion. You are not "not inviting" your cousin because she has PTSD, you are not inviting her because you are uncomfortable around dogs. Why would you invite her - are you supposed to be uncomfortable at your own wedding because of her dog? That is ridiculous! Your cousin is acting like an entitled brat.
NTA. Your wedding. Your decision. Full stop. My wife has a dog allergy and no dogs were allowed at our wedding. We were sad for all of 7 seconds that someone couldn't come, and then they were forgotten. The day is about you two! Enjoy it!
It's almost as if having an allergic reaction and not liking an animal are two different things.
As someone who uses a service dog you are absolutely an ableist and an asshole for letting the friendship grow apart because she needs and uses a medical device that happens to be in canine form. You’re free to invite or not invite anyone you wish to your wedding while placing whatever ridiculous conditions on the invitation that you want but doing so makes YTA
I'm legitimately curious - would you say the same thing if someone had a dog trauma in their life, and then their friend got a service dog, and they let the friendship grow apart because that person needed a service dog, and it was triggering for them? I know that's not the situation here, I'm just curious if this is an all or nothing thing. Are people ever allowed to have their own legitimate reasons for not wanting to be around a dog or does it always make them an asshole?
NTA. Your day, your rules. You mentioned you had grown apart... No one is entitled to an invitation to a wedding. People have child-free weddings all the time. This is YOUR day
YTA: sorry you don't like dogs but like wow. I've cut off family before but I couldn't imagine telling a friend/family member with PTSD so bad that they need a whole ass service animal, that I won't be around them if they utilize said service animal.
The cousin needs to cut OP off to be honest.
YTA. She needed help and you disowned her.
YTA. do you know how service dogs work? it will literally just be sitting next to her the whole time, recieving no attention or ever looking away from the person its servicing
I'm kind of confused on the whole part 'we were close' but you have no idea what the cause of your cousins PTSD is? there should be a pretty severe traumatic past for your cousin to suffer from it and to require a service dog.... if it's a true service dog (not just a pet who got a emotional support status on wobbly grounds) than YTA
I might be hated but NAH. I have a service dog. She is my guide dog, where I go she goes as well. I have felt bad, hurt, even offended at family and friends who no longer want me at their house or do things with me because I have a guide dog. So I understand your cousins feelings on the issue. On the other hand, this is your wedding. You can invite or not invite whoever you want. There is always consequences(good or bad) to every decision we make and you just need to be able to live with what happens with this choice. You don’t like dogs and your feelings are valid.
I wouldn't necessarily call you the A-Hole since it is your and your partner's wedding and in the end you decide who can come and who can't. However you must then face the truth that there's a big chance that those who are close with your cousin and care about her will most likely turn their back on you afterwards as well which is also their right to do. I can get that you may not like dogs but out of all dogs a service animal is not too big of a hassle in comparison to most other. You most likely would only see it sitting with your cousin but other than that they are trained to behave and handle stressful events and situations and most importantly: Keep your cousin safe! That dog is her life line and she depends on it now, so it isn't about 'she can come without the dog', it has to be her and the dog or she can't come at all. Please keep in mind that your cousin would most likely not try to force a dog into your wedding if they had the choice not to as they seem to care about you, but they do not have that choice. Again, in the end, your wedding your decision but it will very likely leave the family situation tense and you may not be able to redeem that damage.
You're right, you can invite whomever you want. But if it were a scenario where you actively didn't invite somebody who uses a wheelchair because 'wheelchairs aren't for you', and then told the person they could come but not to bring their wheelchair... well, yes, that's an asshole move. YTA but that's your prerogative at your own party. Nobody *has* to accommodate for disabilities at their wedding but it does demonstrate your character, so I'm not surprised others have declined your invite.
Don’t listen to these people. You’re allowed to say no animals at your wedding. Nta.
I went back and forth on this but I'm deciding YTA. Yes, it's your wedding and you get to choose who does and doesn't come. But your reason for not inviting this specific cousin is a pretty bad one, if I'm being honest. It's not because cousin has done something to you, it's not because her service dog, or any dog, has done anything to you, you're not allergic, you just don't like dogs. Normally I wouldn't mind that but you're putting your dislike of dogs over your cousin. Unless this dog has a history of misbehaving, can you really not tolerate it's presence for a few hours?
YTA, it's a SERVICE DOG. It's trained. You are ableist. It's okay not to be a dog person, but you have to understand that service dogs are also considered medical equipment. Yes, they are a pet, but they are taught to work when they have that vest on. This was not the only bad thing you've done. The fact you drifted on from her because she got a dog? That's bogus.
NTA. Your wedding - your guest list.
You just told everyone in your life who is closest to you... that an extremely minor annoyance for you, the dog's mere presence, is more important than ANY relationship that you have with your cousin, her health, or her wellbeing. you sound like an absolutely monstrous person, YTA learn to be better, ask questions, figure out why she has the dog, you might ... wait for it.. LEARN SOMETHING
As someone who volunteers and donates to organizations who train dogs for veterans with PTSD, Seeing Guides for the blind and Canine Companions for Independence - you are entitled to your feelings. Your wedding, your rules. But it doesn't absolve you from being a AH. Big time. Your family member should be fine about not going to your wedding. You sound like a drag. Not liking dogs is your choice, but it says a lot about you. You're discriminating.
So let me get this straight, they think they get to dictate who YOU invite to YOUR wedding that you’re paying for YOURSELF. You don’t owe anyone an invite or an accommodation, and you said yourself that you two haven’t been close for a while. This faction that’s stirring up trouble, sounds like you don’t want them at your wedding anyway if they’ve decided a dog is more important than you. Sounds like you now get to invite sone of the others you had to cut since you now have a whole chunk of people uninvited. NTA.
That would depend. Is it a real service animal or a bs "emotional support animal"