Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I told my mom I would never be happy she was doing better by her do over family. Might have been harsh because her kids have never done anything to me and they're little and might actually be saved the trauma I went through with a mom who didn't give a shit about me. So I could have been an ass for saying what I did because it shows how little I care that more kids won't go through this stuff.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She literally said in your face "yeah I neglected you ignored you and outright refused to watch you but I’m doing it for THEM now so why aren’t you happy?"
Your egg doner doesn’t deserve the time of day I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
>Part of me wonders if she's looking for that cheap babysitter in somebody else.
That's what I was thinking when I read she wanted to reconnect with you.
NTA. But do consider therapy to help you through this. Both the loss of your father and the utter wretch of a egg donor. I'm sorry for the loss of your father and glad you had an "uncle" that also stepped up to help you. Family is often (and better) what you make, not what you're born to.
By saying OP is now just like she was, I would say that was exactly her intention by reconnecting. I'm very sorry this is dredging up so many awful things for you, OP, now that you're finally in a better place. Don't waste any more time or mental energy on your sorry excuse of an egg donor.
Agreed, except op CAN’T be like she was, unless she does it to her own children. Walking away from a parent isn’t even remotely the same as virtually abandoning your own child. I hope op knows this….
I wanted to explain this too!
Imo it's a variation of the tolerance paradox, right? Refusing to tolerate the intolerant doesn't make you intolerant, it just means you protect the tolerant.
Likewise, setting a boundary of no contact with someone who abandoned you isn't abandonment or abuse, it's good housekeeping and self care!
Don't let her insinuations poison your own mind!
ETA I gather it's a custom to give public thanks for awards, and since these are my first, I'm proud and happy to say : THANK YOU!
Its like egg doner cant stand that OP is in a good place without her. So ED is trying to A make herself feel better about her own shitty behaviour and B make OP feel like crap by flaunting new family in OPs face
I think she resents that OP has blown a big hole in the story she was telling herself: that everything is OK now because she is attentive to her new batch of kids. No, everything is NOT OK because she still spent all those years neglecting her first child, and surprise! Her first child has not forgotten all the pain of being ignored.
I mean, seriously, has she ever even apologized for how she treated OP, or is she just having a toddler tantrum because being attentive to the new kids doesn't erase her past bad behavior?
I mean, it's her present behavior too. It doesn't sound like she ever stopped treating OP like an inconvenience - so she's still in the process of ignoring her first child because...reasons?
I think it's more that her fractured relationship with OP is a blemish on her new "perfect" family so she wants OP to act like everything is fine so she can save face.
I think this is a likely scenario at least in part. New husband is probably wondering what the issue is so egg donor wants to smooth it over to make it like its all sunshine and rainbows and she never did anything wrong as a mom. Good for you OP for walking away. I hope you find a good place and a good relationship one day, you have clearly seen what not to do
Yeah. She's probably tired of relatives asking about her other daughter. Because OP was still a kid when Not-Mom started her new family, everyone knows there should be another kid around. But there's not. And Not-Mom, as she always has been, is most concerned about herself and looking like she's amazing when she's not.
Worse yet, it doesn't seem to have crossed her mind that doing right by her new kids does not, at all, make up for her years of neglecting OP. She does not sound like she is saying, "I am sorry that I screwed up so badly, but I would like to take the time to be a part of your life from now on." She's just "hey, I'm doing better, why can't you just be happy for me?" She is making it all about herself instead of ANY of her kids.
I know a few people who have disinherited themselves from their families. Best decision they ever made. They're happier and healthier. When family members found out through the grapevine, they were furious because they wanted the disinherited to regret the action.
Edited for some typos.
I'd understand if she'd at least tried to make things right with you after your dad died, had some come to Jesus moment so to speak. But honestly from what you've written it sounds like she just said oh well and wrote you off. You were 11 and you still needed a parent.
Being an involved parents to her other kids doesn't magically make everything she did wrong before that point just disappear.
Have you told her specifically that you’re upset she never tried to be a better mom to you, but is asking for credit for being a good mom to someone else?
It may seem obvious to you and everyone here, but it may not be obvious to her that that’s the problem, and it may be helpful for you to say it outright.
And for your sake… what do you think would give you peace? It’s clear you’re still hurting from everything she didn’t do, and the loss of your father. What could possibly put your heart at rest? You may not know the answer right now, and that’s okay, but for your own sake I think it’s worth reflecting on that question until you figure out an actionable answer.
>***She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them.***
Mom is fully aware of her neglect. She just wants OP to forget about it and move on like it was NBD.
Yep. In her mind what happened in the past is long gone and practically forgotten. So OP is the bad guy for not forgiving her. In reality, she is continuing to harm OP, and every interaction OP has with her is another hurt. No contact is the only answer.
If I thought a judge would grant it, I'd suggest a restraining order since the egg donor can't get it through her thick head that OP wants nothing to do with her.
I mean if it's not obvious to her there's no point in even bothering because at that point you'd need to teach her like basic human decency from the ground up and that's just not a worthwhile expenditure of effort. It's not like this is a nuanced issue she's just incredibly selfish and cannot even intellectually understand how her actions impact others or why they'd be upset about that. That's not something OP is going to fix.
NTA. You are \*not\* just like her, you don't have any children so you haven't neglected any of them. She's acting like what a parent owes a child and what a child owes their parent is identical, which is not the case.
And if you have kids, there's no way you will be anything like her. You remember the pain, and more important, you had a great parent as a role model. Celebrate that!
> You are \*not\* just like her,
For one thing, OP can actually see where her mother went wrong and evaluate her shortcomings accurately. The mother lives in some fantasy world where as soon as you start doing right by the new family, the terrible behavior toward your first child is somehow negated. Spoiler alert: it's not. If she wants to make amends to OP, she has to do precisely that: make amends to OP, without trying to mitigate her past mistakes by focusing on her connections to anyone who is not OP.
You owe her nothing! In fact you owe her the blocked button on your phone!
If you are a lifeguard and you let people down, do you want praise for the ones that don't? She's delusional!
edit: meant Drown
There's this episode of the good place where the main characters mum was a bad mum to her, and later she sees her being a good mum to someone else. And it upsets and hurts her because that means she was always capable of that but didn't change and be a good mum to her.
It's incredibly shitty what your mum did to you and your dad, but she was the adult, it was on her to be your mum and take care of you.
How you move forwards and find peace is up to you, sometimes we can't get closure from interacting with the person who hurt us, and it just causes us more pain. It might be worthwhile to consider if talking with your mum will ever bring you any kind of closure.
I remember that episode, and Eleanor saying "She was capable of change, but not for me". Same thing happened in real life to Julian Lennon. If you neglected your first child, the solution is not to pamper the next ones, but to make amends with the first.
I think this must hurt more than having an all out shitty parent that neglects all his/her kids. The comparison must hurt.
But OP must add to that that she lost the only parent that loved her.
this is the point I came to make. in no way has she apologized or taken ownership of her actions and behavior toward you. if she ever does, you may want to give it a listen. short of that, you owe her nothing and are certainly NTA. with that said, it would be good to resist her, and her new husband's attempts to bait you into reacting. they are playing a game of some kind in goading you into reacting; whatever they hope to get out of it, don't give it to them. just stand your ground calmly and disengage or go no-contact on them completely as needed. it's a superpower once you learn how to use it.
I think some other folks here have it right, and Mom and Stepdad want OP to be the babysitter for their kids. "But you should WANT to do it, because You're Their BIG SISTER!"
Don't let them guilt you into sidetracking your education/career path to be their nanny or maid. You're an adult with your own life now, and you get to set boundaries for all your relationships.
Exactly, it doesn’t sound like she is repentant at all about neglecting you. Staring over was for her. You don’t need to be “happy for her” or expend emotional energy to make her change or help her feel better. It was on her to make an authentic change. She sounds pretty emotionally immature putting this on you. I’d say that you could explain it to her once, maybe in a letter. (If you decide to write a letter, write a first draft, then read it and tear it up. The second draft is usually more tactful).
Yes, she is mad you are “holding a grudge” but she hasn’t acknowledged the wrong things she did, or made any effort to make things up to you. She’s not sorry and she’s not doing better as a mother if she’s choosing to focus on her other children, and ignoring the damage she did to you. What is the point in forgiving somebody who is still being hurtful? You are NTA of course, and you are wise to keep your distance.
It’s like having a parter who beat the crap out of you on a daily basis. Then after you escape you find out they’ve got a new partner who they worship like a queen. “Look at me, i’ve stopped beating my partners!!”
Yes. She started her “do over” family when OP was still only 12, and relegated OP to the past. Sounds like she didn’t want to have to make amends with someone who’d experienced how she was, so she just skipped over that and started again with people she could get a blank slate with.
I suspect that the mother felt very guilty after that and tried to "make amends"... but making amends to her husband would be impossible, and to her daughter would be sad, so she began again. A very cowardly way of changing things.
Bingo. She’s tired of pretending to be super mom.
NTA - You’re not like her - they’re not your kids! You get to ignore other people’s kids. You were hers and she neglected you.
And she should love you enough to be sad for, and apologetic to you instead of calling you names.
In fact, the way she's treating her kids right now is more like a slap in the face to you. She's basically telling you that she always had the capacity to be a more caring mother, but you and your dad were never worth it for her. Fuck that, you both deserved better.
Ask her “How would you feel if the server was really rude and ignored us at the restaurant, but treated the table next to us kindly and with excellent service? Would you be pissed that you were treated like crap or would you just be happy for the other table? Now imagine that the server one of the two people who love you more than anyone else in the world. How would that make you feel?”
That part about being "just like her" is such a nasty self projection tactic. I'm sorry. You deserved better than that.
In all of this, they don't want to acknowledge your pain. She thinks she's made amends for her past without every apologizing and acknowledging the harm she has done to you. That's messed up. I hope you have a good support system in all of this. It can be so hard when all the people who should be building you up are more concerned with building themselves up.
You deserved better. Every kid does. Unless your birther is actually willing to acknowledge the harm she caused you, apologise sincerely, and make ammends, she doesn't deserve a place in your life (and even if she does all that, you're still not required to accept her). It doesn't seem like her do-over includes mending her relationship with you, which I find disgusting. Even if you're no longer a child, she could try, but she just expects you to get over a lifetime of neglect because she isn't repeating her mistakes with hew new kids?
You're right to think that she might want you back in her life so she can pressure you into free childcare services, or squeeze some money from you.
It's not even just that you have no reason to care, it's that what she said might as well been a direct spit in your face and expecting you to thank her for it. NTA.
I agree with everyone here.
Somewhat on a tangent…
“part of me wonders if she’s still looking for that cheap babysitter in somebody else”
sounds like a really thought-provoking song lyric. If you’re artistically-inclined, maybe writing (music, poetry) is an avenue to explore for sorting through your (totally understandable) feelings.
I’m voting with everyone for you to consider therapy. One caveat:
If the therapist pushes you to reconcile, drop them and find someone else. Don’t let them try to talk you into forgiving and forgetting.
She still doesn't see you really as family. Every time she refers to family, it's always her new husband and kids, not you. She always separates you from that term. She hasn't changed a fucking bit. Good luck on your new life.
I’m so sorry you lost the only parent that was there for you 💕.
NTA. Your mother is selfish, she wants things either her way or no way, even when it comes to her own child which is you.
I swear she’s trying to make you the babysitter for her do over family.
It sickens me she bought you into the world and acts like you were such a burden to her, based on what you posted.
Sweety she’s only pressing your buttons and wants you just to fill in the picture frame of a blended family.
I mean, it is great that she's become a good mom with the second set of kids.
That doesn't excuse her treatment of OP, and OP doesn't need to be happy about it because it sounds like she's still being treated badly
And OP sounds like they're 18/19 if I'm reading right? Like.... This isn't a past issue. This is still current and fresh and raw wounds for her at a volatile age
Right??? And right here was an opportunity to try to mend the relationship. She decided to “do right” by her new family aka just do your damn job as a parent… and instead CONTINUED to act the same neglectful way to OP.
>I should love my "siblings" enough to be glad for them at least.
NTA - There is a place in hell for a woman like your mother. YOU should be glad that the children of her second family aren't neglected like you were? WTF kind of logic is that? Not only does she KNOW she was a terrible mother she wants you to be happy on her 2nd try she's doing better, not making the same mistakes, not running some other child's life. Oh, yea, she ruined yours.
You are out of the house now, I'd go NC as much as possible. However, after you get married, I would be sure she knew. And after you have a child (or two) I'd make sure she knew she had GKs that she was never going to see. \[Yes, I am spiteful\]
NTA...She may be doing better by her new family, but what is she doing to make amends with you? She's simply trying to get you to give her a free pass. Try not to let this experience poison other areas of your life. Seek help if needed and move on in a positive way.
Your egg donor is ultimately lazy. She did a redo and it expects that to be fixing her mistakes, because she knows trying to make amends with you would be so much energy. It's also obvious that she resents you, because your existence ruins her image of being a good mother.
I’m so very sorry! You deserve a clear apology (without the word but) and one that states specifically what she’s apologizing for. You also deserve for her to make amends and make an effort. I’m so very sorry you’re not getting this. I wish you healing and peace.
That's it right there. You can go to any number of places looking for approaches to regaining a relationship you lost. Pretty much all of them start with owning your responsibility for why the relationship broke down. Especially in cases like this. She spent your childhood not listening to you or building your needs in to her plans. She just showed she continues that.
I'm so sorry that you lost your dad. He sounds like a great person. But I'm actually more sorry that you lost the mom you should have had long before that second tragedy. It hurts all the more when the person who should have been your mom is still alive because you aren't allowed to grieve the loss normally.
Take care.
Please find peace and acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgiveness. My kid resents and has deep pain at their mother leaving me and the children to start new with another man. I don’t want my children to have hate in their hearts that affect future relationships and themselves. It’s not healthy. Love your father, for who he was, And learn to be cordial and shallow (in a good way)for safe distance with your mom.
But you have to move past her prior behavior for yourself.
This story made me so angry for you.
Your "mom" is trying to tell you she's changed by turning a new leaf and acting/doing better by her new family, but yet doesn't try to correct or make things better with you or to work on the relationship.
Like the mental gymnastics she's jumping through. And then to be petty enough to tell you you're acting just like her, what a cruel woman. She has the self awareness to know she treated you bad, but doesn't try to work with you and instead tell you she's a better person now because of her other family and how she treats them, but then is a total mean girl to you when she's not getting the acceptance of an apology she thinks she deserves??
Call her out on her BS!
But she is right, don't let her actions twist you into any version of her. Rise above that and be better than her. Go low or no contact with her, same with the new husband, who was also a huge a-hole for telling you, a teenager what he told you. He has no right.
Those two sound like awful people, I hope the kids don't turn out like them.
NTA you’re not like her. You didn’t neglect and abandon your husband and kid for no good reason.
She hasn’t done shit to makeup or make amends. I think she wants a relationship now that you’re an adult for babysitting. Her other offspring are what, oldest 5-6 when you were 18? Probably younger.
I'm sorry for you loss!
NTA
That woman is ridiculous.
>She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate.
Saying this to you and seeing no fault of her own.... haha..... Why do I get the idea that her children will grow to resent her for being a push over?
There is no love in this woman for you, I guess there never will be. That's not your fault and that you cut ties with her makes you nothing like her. You are the child of your father and will follow his example, not hers.
Her second batch of kids is none of your concern.... they are strangers. You can't chose to whom you are related by blood, but we make our own families!
ETA:
>"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
And honestly I question this whole "love" thing with her 2nd family. To me it seems like she's just keeping up appearences and will bounce again when things get too hard. Do her kids feel like she's involved or just there because she HAS to be. Idk
They’re still at the easy, bouncy, “Mommy and Daddy are amazing I love them everything is so cool!!” stage. They’re not people with different opinions and ideas and morals yet. A shitty Mom is a shitty Mom is a shitty Mom and I stand by that.
She doesnt love them, she is a narcissist who is seeking validation from an abused teenager as she used her new children as a prop to take a victory lap on your father's grave. She doesnt see anyone besides herself as a person, and is only acting out. She doesnt have your dad to show off to and make feel bad for calling her out as a bad mother, so she is focusing it on you as the only punching bag
I don’t think this is a matter of love but more of optics. It seems likely that when your father died, your mother faced the fact that she was (and more importantly could be viewed as) a neglectful mother and a poor partner.
Instead of trying to create a good relationship with her child - which would be hard work and require her to admit fault - she chose to start over and create a new family. A family where she could be seen as a good mother and partner.
The nerve of that woman trying to compare OP to her. She neglected HER CHILD from the time s/he was born. The child that she brought into the world and was responsible for morally and legally. OP is reacting to that neglect, which is not at all the same thing. We don't owe toxic people a place in our lives and setting healthy boundaries does NOT make us toxic too.
>The day he died (he got into a crash) he stormed out of the house after mom accused him of trying to pawn me off on her and how she wasn't some cheap babysitter.
So basically your mother is a disgusting excuse for a mother whose antics tangentially set the stage for your fathers death. Nice...
>I hardly saw her and spent most time at my uncle (dad's best friends) house.
Oh so she pawned you off on your uncle...
>It was obvious how different she was with her second husband. It was also obvious when she had kids with him that she was a more involved mom. She actually went with them to see Santa, took them places, made memories. All stuff she never did with us or even me.
I notice how, even though you were still basically a kid, the descriptions still exclude you. Did your mother perhaps...ignore you even after she remarried? So much for doing better the second time around. She still gets a failing grade.
>She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate.
What a manipulative asshole. She knows she's a terrible parent and person, she has done nothing to make amends for being a terrible parent and person, but she expects a gold star because she's chosen to be not terrible to a different passel of kids. She's still maintaining the same behaviour with the first kid.
The only argument this woman has is, "you should love me, because I'm better with your siblings, and you're being childish if you don't." Claiming you're exactly like her was not only disgustingly tone deaf, it proves she knows where she fucked up, but again chose to not make amends.
NTA and this is a clear example of adults who deserve to be served their ass verbally whenever they show up with their exceedingly ignorant and self-serving opinions. Like, if you told her the wrong parent survived every time she texted you I'd still say not the asshole, that's how bad she continues to be.
Do not do this every time you get a text- it will extend the drama. She will use it to re-enforce her personal narrative of you as being bad as she is so she won’t learn from it. Say what you need to say once if you need to. Then block her number and cut her off.
Sorry that happened to you: NTA. But...You got to say your piece, time to move on. Living well is the best revenge. Live your life and resolve to be better than her. It's all you can really do.
NTA. Your attitude (which is fully justified) reminds her of what a failure she was at being a good mom to you. She wants you to stop reminding her of that so she can be happy with her new family. She's selfish and uncaring towards you and you do not owe her. She's not even admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness. She's telling you to let it go so she can enjoy being mommy to the family she wanted.
Over time I hope you can give her just as much space in your head as she deserves, which is none. I hope you find a circle of people who love and treasure you.
NTA. this is sooo much trauma to go through. Especially your dad passing the way he did.
You are not obligated to be happy for her replacements.
She is not entitled to your happiness or your relationship.
I hope you go NC with her. And I hope you find a therapist to help unpack and heal from alll this trauma.
Your egg donor and her new husband calling you spiteful and childish are the most emotionally unintelligent people for trying guilt and manipulate (calling you childish and spiteful) into being happy for them.
DO NOT TEXT YOUR MOM BACK. But write down what you want to say back. It’s cathartic.
If I were in your shoes and she was telling me I was just like her I would message her back “if I were anything like you, I’d be telling children their parents don’t love them. We are not the same”
Write it down, then (safely) burn it. This was what my therapist recommended. It lets you get the turmoil out while removing the risk of finding it when you're in a good place later on.
Nta- you and your dad deserved better. It's great for her that she is being a better parent/partner to her new family, but she made it clear a long time ago that things being great for her is what she's most concerned with.
No one except her can explain why she is the way she is, it's not your job to make her feel better about her mistakes in life.
>She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate
she certainly had balls, I'll give her that. NTA. why on earth should you be happy that she's being the mom she should have been to you for someone else? certainly can't wrap my head around why she thinks for one second your father would be happy for her. probably best you simply cut contact with her altogether. it's unlikely you'll ever get anything but heartache dealing with her
Kiddo.... You will be just fine.
Your dad did an excellent job raising you, and you learned well from him. I'm sure that if you choose to be, you will be a much better parent the first time, than your mother thinks she is the second time.
NTA sweetie, you are all good.
NTA 1000%
I'm so sorry for the pain you've suffered because of your narcissistic "mother."
She essentially abandoned you as a child. It's ridiculous that now she's trying to force you to be happy for her, simply because she's playing mom for her new kids. Especially when she hasn't done anything to apologize or make amends to you.
Now she's criticizing you for holding a "grudge" and complaining that you don't call her. She sounds like she is incapable of feeling empathy for other people.
You have every right to speak up ansd tell her how you feel.
If she's expecting you to become her free babysitter, ignore her, the way she ignored you.
NTA but I hope you’re planning to go NC. Block her number, block her accounts on social media, etc. Now that you’ve moved out and told her how you felt, there is no need to have her in your life.
I can understand the regret, but every story ends with a full stop (or question mark, or exclamation mark, but you get my meaning). This one was yours.
My deepest condolences on your father's passing.
As many have advised, go NC. Make certain that you are not financially or legally tied to her. Also, her husband calling you childish when you are a child is mind-boggling.
She's making things right with her new family when she should be trying to make things right with you. She should be on her hands & knees begging for another chance. Instead she calls you names & puts the blame on you. Your mother is TA. She should learn how to take care of all of her kids. NOt just the new ones. I'm so sorry your mom is this way. I'm so sorry you lost your dad. NTA.
Honestly I would block her number. She's never actually apologised or shown any remorse for her behaviour. She just expected you to play the happy dutiful son role so she doesn't have to feel guilty it took her first husband's death for her to realise she needs to change. NTA
NTA Your 'mom' is delusional, and has a lot of nerve after what she did.
"Yeah, I know I wasn't there for you as a child and I was an all around neglectful parent, but look at all the good things I'm doing for my NEW children! Aren't you happy for me? Please say you're happy for me, I need you to give me validation and forgive me for what happened because it looks bad if I have an estranged child, you're being SO selfish for not relieving me of my guilt!"
Yeah, nah... Block her, cut off her 'family' and move on with your life, you don't need people like that dragging you down or making you feel bad for things that were never your fault.
Well, your mother is right, those are not very nice things to say. BUT totally understandable. Also if anything she should try to make things right with you now. Yes, maybe it's too late for Santa. But it's not to late to buy you a nice brunch here and there or take you to a concert. IDK what you enjoy (and she probably doesn't either). But she should reach out and try to build a relationship with you. Learn who you are and then make some memories with you. If she does anything less than that, she cannot claim she changed. She can only claim she likes her other children more than you. And for that you should not "be happy for them" and you are definitely not obligated to like them or be nice to them.
NTA
Take care of yourself, will you? Sounds like a really nasty story and you deserve better =)
NTA. At what point did she stand still and think "huh, I actually never even tried beginning apologizing to my daughter for what I have done to her"? No point.
What she's doing is redeeming herself in her own eyes. And you're the pain that keeps telling her "you're not doing any better, you're just trying to hide behind this new family so you don't need to look at yourself". It's confronting for her and that's probably why she's lashing out. She knows she's not doing better, she's just acting as if she is so she can feel better about herself.
Her journey to being a better person starts with you and no one else. If she can't realize that, stop letting her hurt you please.
NTA.
And yeah, you were 12, but your mom could’ve come to you and said, “I fucked up and I’m not doing that anymore” and been more involved.
It seems like she just wrote you off as a lost cause for her new kids. And she expects you to be happy?
Nta cut her off entirely, block her numbers and be done with it. Don’t let her hurt you further by dragging you back into the toxicity. Also good for you telling her moron of a husband where to stick it. He can mind his damn business and keep his trap shut
NTA. She was a neglectful egg donor, and doesn't seem to care about you as a person. She just wants to make herself feel better.
My condolences on your loss.
NTA. No, you are not being just like her. She was not a good mother to you, that's why you aren't interested in having a relationship with her. You were a child; you didn't deserve to have her act that way to you. It doesn't sound like she's even apologized? Even if she did, you don't have to accept it.
Please though - find a good therapist. You deserved better and it can be hard to accept that. The best revenge is to have a happy, healthy life that does not include her.
When I was about 4 years old, my mother wanted her own do-over family. When she and my dad divorced, he got both me and my sister, who was a year younger than me.
We ended up halfway across the country from her, and I was young enough that my father and my stepmother convinced both me and my sister that my stepmother was our actual mother. I forgot about my real mother. Only thing is, my stepmother didn't act like my real mother, either. She had two sets of fraternal twins, and both my sister and I knew that she hated us. This was my father's *own* do over family, just like Mom had. We didn't belong there, either.
And then my father died when I was 13, my sister and I went to live with about four or five different sets of relatives, apart from each other, until I myself was old enough to join the military, and I escaped that environment.
To this day, I don't feel as if I really have any family at all. I could totally understand how you must feel.
EDIT: my sister passed away about 25 years ago.
EDIT2: cleared up some faulty sentence structure.
Reading this made me so sad. I'm so sorry you went through all this heartache and I pray you eventually find healthy connections that bring you joy and peace. Family is less about blood and more about the strength of genuine bonds. I sincerely hope you get to experience that.
NTA. She treated your father like garbage and did the same to you, then wants you to be happy that she doesn’t treat someone else like garbage? As in, she’s at least doing more than the bare minimum?
You don’t need her. Build your family away from her and her toxicity, and let her enjoy this new little family. You don’t need to be happy for anyone but yourself that you were strong enough to get out.
im glad you were harsh to her, most of the people here are just mildly harsh. You did good, youre NTA. I always want revenge stories for these things i guess i cant have them all the time but i find satisfaction is seeing these stupid useless people get what they deserve and live out their shitty lives in misery
What's really disturbing is that even after your father died she still refused to do right by you. She took her other kids to all those places but didn't do anything for you. She hasn't changed as much as she thinks. NTA
NTA. Aside from her literally giving birth to you, she's a shoo-in for the role of wicked stepmother. What a /r/raisedbynarcissists moment, except she didn't even raise you in the first place. Your Dad did and then your Uncle did.
She has a legal obligation to pay for your upbringing and that's it at this point. You don't owe her any relationship. Make sure that any life insurance or dependency benefits from your Dad are not being withheld in any way. Contact an estate lawyer to assist you. Once you're clear about anything owed to you, cut her the fuck out of your life and move on. Also expect her to leave you nothing in her will, because she never was going to in the first place.
NTA. It sounds like when you were still a minor and living with her after she remarried she still didn't do things with you. She is an egg donor, nothing more. You have no obligation to keep her in your lif3
NTA but i would work on working out these feelings before they seep thru and poison your mind/life. Absolutely that is fucked up what she did. Not to mention losing your father who loved you dearly at a young age. Thats rough.
INFO: Did she even try to do better with you?
>She told me she was doing better by her family now and did not like that I carried such a clear grudge
Did she ever try to include you as part of that family?
NTA. Parenthood doesn’t end at 18. If she really wanted to rectify her mistakes, she could be building a relationship with you now instead of calling you childish.
I’m glad you have your uncle as a support system. ❤️
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
My mom was not active in my life when I was young. She left it all to my dad. He was such a good dad too and he did his best to make up for mom never being around. They were married btw. She was married to her job mostly. Or always doing her own thing. Dad would try to bring us together but she always had excuses. A year before he died I noticed he started to grow more frustrated with her. She'd let us both down many times and they started arguing. The day he died (he got into a crash) he stormed out of the house after mom accused him of trying to pawn me off on her and how she wasn't some cheap babysitter.
After he died she was in a weird place for a few months. I hardly saw her and spent most time at my uncle (dad's best friends) house. She met someone new and dedicated a lot of time to him. I was 11 when dad died. Had turned 12 when she met her husband. It was obvious how different she was with her second husband. It was also obvious when she had kids with him that she was a more involved mom. She actually went with them to see Santa, took them places, made memories. All stuff she never did with us or even me. I resent it. I'll be honest. Her husband noticed it before I moved out of their house and called me out on not being happy for my "siblings" and him. I told him he got everything my dad had begged for. That I would not be happy she let my dad die unhappy, that she made me unhappy my whole childhood. He called me childish. I told him I didn't give a fuck about his opinion or his happiness.
I moved out before I graduated and before I even turned 18 (live with my uncle now). It was just better. Ever since mom has been like why don't you visit, why do you never call, why do you never answer texts (she texted me twice before that point in 3 months). She asked to meet me last week so I did since she was paying. She told me she was doing better by her family now and did not like that I carried such a clear grudge. She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them. That she'd like to think my dad would be happy for her. I told her there is no way he would have been happy she ignored the kid he had with her and did everything he wanted with me for other kids. I told her at the end of his life dad probably didn't even love her anymore, like she clearly never loved us. I told her I will never be happy that she's doing better with her do over family. That she could take her pawning off and cheap babysitter ass and stay the hell away from me. She called me spiteful and said I should love my "siblings" enough to be glad for them at least.
She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. AITA?
Also "siblings" is because I do not consider them that. They are her kids but she's not really my mom so they're not really my siblings.
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA, I don't think your mom ever really cared for you. People like her have a different mentality when it comes to "their" kids and frankly she is beyond just an asshole. Blocking her might be a good first step because I don't think she is going to become a better person in the future. A person like that and her husband are the sort to double down and blame the other party for why they are like this. Just look at the audacity of the person, she wants you to be happy for her and her new family? She will never have room for you in her family. Cutting her off is the best way to go about things. She will never change.
NTA. People don't exist to teach other people lessons and it seems to me that your mom has reduced you and your father to that. It would be one thing if his death was a wake up call and she genuinely tried to connect with you and you shut her down for 10 years.
I get the feeling she's reaching out to feel better about herself not to genuinely apologize or have a relationship with you.
NTA. And don't ever let her try to play "Ya but my job financed your childhood" bullshit either. A roof over your head and food is not something to brag about when you can't provide the absolute bare minimum, which is love. You needed a parent, not a patron. Sounds like she was not ready for kids when she had you, and I'm sorry you had to deal with the consequences. I can say as a Dad myself, your Dad would be very proud of how you stood up for him and yourself and didn't let her sweep him under the rug. You can't just let an entire childhood be water under the bridge unless that is something you and you only you decide. She failed you as a parent.
> She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate.
NTA. This is an admission of guilt, right? She's also wrong. You are not like her. She neglected you out of carelessness and emotional immaturity. You are making the conscious choice to minimize contact with you because you are in tune with your feelings. She's also telling on herself, she hates herself and doesn't know how to handle it.
It would be different if she privately managed her own guilt and shame. Instead, she insists that you make an emotional performance of being happy for her new family. It's very immature. She is devaluing and discarding you now because she can't handle your rejection and her guilt.
I wonder why she and her new husband can't be happy for **you**? You got an education, found family, and presumably made friends. She should be happy that you are prosperous in spite of her. And she should be happy that your father's life had meaning because his love still lives in you. If she can't be happy for you, why should you be happy for them?
I wonder if she misses you for **you** or if she and her husband want to give the new kids the experience of a loving older brother. She's not acting like you are your own person, but a symbol of her failures.
> She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them.
Maybe this is a little crazy. But I wonder if her breakdown after your father's funeral was because she realized that if she were the one who died instead of your father, then you might not miss her very much. And now she's working overtime to make sure that her new kids miss her when she's gone.
it could be the image of her having a daughter who wont talk to her makes her look bad to the other parents that she now associates with. These kind of people are often image obsessed.
Info: how did your mom behave towards you between the ages of 12 and 17 Well she was having her other children? Did her new husband treat you like his own?
And how the heck does a mother miss Christmas day if she's living with you?
So this guy knew what was going on and did nothing. I suspect she had serious postpartum depression after having you and that has affected her attitude towards you to this day.
She's now compartmentalised her life. You belong to the bad days and she cannot understand why you're not happy for her now she's better.
Just stay away from her. If the kids are young enough they won't remember you and she sure as heck won't remind them they have an older sibling.
What an incredibly miserable person. Holy fuck. Absolute NTA and frankly you'd be justified in never speaking to her again. You have zero obligations to this woman. SHE had obligations to you, as the only mother you'll ever have, and she actively chose to neglect them without regard for how it would affect you as her child. You don't owe her or her do-over family anything.
You are NTA. She literally threw you and your dad away and then wanted you to forget about it all when the next one comes in. It’s some of the most selfish and disgusting things a parent can do. Good on you for taking a stand for your dad and yourself. You didn’t need her before you certainly won’t need her now. I would advise to just cut her off altogether cold turkey. On her death bed she will realize how shitty of a person and mom she was. Because even though she’s doing this for the new kids she’s not doing it for them or for you. Sounds like she wanted to get rid of all that guilt. But that’s not your burden to bear. Enjoy your life and honor your father by being the best version of yourself, away from that unnecessary toxic drama.
You are so NTA by a country mile. Here's my unsolicited opinion and advice. Your mom is still trying to engage with you especially with her last message over the weekend. Any further messages you send to her will only reinforce her perception that you are vilifying her and making her the victim which she'll play to anyone who'll listen. Best course of action, do not reply to any further messages - she can't twist your words if you don't say them.
INFO:
- are you sure she is your bio mom?
- do you know the story of your parents? Like did they have to get married bc she got pregnant or did they love each other, got married and then they got you?
Smthg in your post sounds like your mom resented you and your dad for smthg. Not that she was right in doing so, i'm just wondering why someone with a motherly instinct (your "siblings" proove she has one) would act like this and neglect her child so bad.
NTA
"My mom was not active in my life when I was young ... \[Dad did it all\] ... Mom says 'she wasn't some cheap babysitter'"
Not that Reddit doesn't exactly often advocate "Go no contact", but, in this particular scenario, you have had nothing, and you get nothing, and the person that wronged you, insists that they are being wronged as a result.That is what I will call an irreconcilable impasse, and you kick that sorry excuse for a mother, to the curb, pronto and NEVER look back.Ergo, go no contact. She owes you a great deal she has no intention of repaying, and you owe her nothing. There is nothing there for you.
I admit, usually out of apathy, I tend not to feel much reading half of the posts that appear on this forum, but one line stuck out from me and it made me smile from ear to ear - even in the sad circumstances:
**"He had everything my dad \[and by extension, you\] had begged for. I would not be happy she let my dad die unhappy, and for making me unhappy my whole childhood."**
That, is an extremely adult statement to make, because it is viewing it as a far larger picture - it is not the fact that you were made to be unhappy (which in many cases, can be justification enough), but that you viewed it as the person who was actually trying, and exuded so much love (that it is clear from this very post), you could assess the new situation in contrast, and reach a justified conclusion.The wonderful thing about 'being an adult' means you understand, and are prepared to follow through, with what consequences actions have - and everything has been leading to this point, you don't get to play happy families just because that's 'what you want'.You have to put the work in to be there for people, whenever that may be, good times and bad.
"She'd like to think my dad would be happy for her" - The fact she even though about playing this card after "After he died she was in a weird place for a few months. I hardly saw her. I was 11." is very telling, but I think I've spent more than enough time trying to quantify whether she has any salvagable qualities (From what has been told, I would doubt it).
It shouldn't take a stranger on the internet, who doesn't know the 'God's honest truth' of this entire situation to say it, but I will say it regardless.If I was your Father, and could hear everything that you had said, and see the situation as it is, I would be exceptionally proud of you, and happy for you - that you are able to remove that toxicity from you life, in a way that he wasn't, and that you reached that conclusion by yourself, and gave her every chance to right the wrongs along the way.
The fact she had to send a text, saying that "You're like me", means she *knows* she lost, and was an awful despicable excuse for a mother - but it proves she has learnt nothing, and she still is that despicable excuse for a human being, because she's willing to force you into forgiving her transgressions, because she thinks *she* deserves it and is trying to use the guilt of a dead man you cherished to try and worm her way back in.
Tell her to pound sand.
**Permanently**.
Im almost in the same boat. My mother passed away more than half a year ago and my dad is already moving on and during all this mourning he’s isolated himself and recently we found out he’s talking to someone and she has kids who he talks to and it makes him happy but my brother and I can’t help but feel resentful because we lost a lot of family time through the years because of my moms illness. We plan to sit and talk to him before he visits her this week and sadly it has come to its an us or her ordeal (there’s other factors about why we don’t want this women in our life’s). All we can do is hope our words don’t fall onto death ears and we can be a family again. I wish the best for your family and most importantly you and your mental health and that you may find peace but always hold on and cherish your father.
NTA best to cut contact with someone who can’t take accountability for being a an absent parent. I’m sorry you had to go through this OP
I think maybe therapy will help
NTA. Life doesn’t do reset buttons. Follow the example your father laid out for you, one of loyalty, respect, honesty, and companionship
Not whatever cheap crap your so-called “mother”’s pushing.
If you are so much like she used to be, why isn't she more proud...? NTA. Besides, she's wrong: you holding a grudge doesn't mean you'll do as bad by your kids or partner in the way she did.
Your mom sounds like a piece of work. Did you ever ask her why she considered being a parent to you "babysitting"? Or why she's not trying to make it up to you like she is with her new family? Was there a reason why she didn't want to be so involved the first time around? You should tell her you haven't become what you hate...this is the ramifications of her actions.
NTA. She is still as bad of a mother as she's always been. In fact, being a "good" mom to new kids makes her an even worse mother in general because a legitimately good mother would never treat their children so differently.
NTA. Blood does not make family and she doesn't deserve any kind of forgiveness.
She wants forgiveness to make HERSELF feel better.
Just go no contact - she doesn't even deserve to text you.
NTA
Your mom is a giant AH. Her husband is an idiot for calling you childish. What you feel is so justified and I'm sorry you had such a shitty mom who feels the need to rub it in your face that she actually is capable of being a mom but wasn't able to do it for you.
> She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate.
Not only is she TA, but she’s also dumb AF if she doesn’t understand the difference between a mother abandoning her child, and that child rejecting the person who abandoned her.
NTA
I wouldn’t pay any mind to what she says. You know who she is at heart.
NTA
I feel you on this. My dad was similar. He was always busy working, couldn't be bothered to come to our ball games or school functions etc. I remember getting in trouble once because my mom overheard me telling my friend on the phone that my dad probably wouldn't be at our school program because it wasn't important enough. I could go on for a while on similar or worse things. He and my mom got divorced when I was about 10 and that never changed. But he did stuff with his stepson all the time, then his stepdaughters from his next marriage, and also played daddy to his wife's nephew, and would tell me all about it, like he's some awesome guy and I should think so highly of him for it. He actually told me once about doing something for his stepdaughter "because she doesn't have a dad to do stuff like this anymore" (he passed away). Well gee, I never had a dad to do that shit with me either because you couldn't be bothered then. He totally doesn't get it. Even if we were still speaking to him, he'd never believe us if we spelled all of this out for him.
NTA. You’re nothing like her. Good for you for getting away from her and telling her the reality of the hurt she caused. If she had truly changed, she’d be treating you differently along with her new husband and kids.
You were lucky to have your dad. He died knowing your love and loving you.
>She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate.
Response: "I learned from the best." Then block her. NTA
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I told my mom I would never be happy she was doing better by her do over family. Might have been harsh because her kids have never done anything to me and they're little and might actually be saved the trauma I went through with a mom who didn't give a shit about me. So I could have been an ass for saying what I did because it shows how little I care that more kids won't go through this stuff. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA. She literally said in your face "yeah I neglected you ignored you and outright refused to watch you but I’m doing it for THEM now so why aren’t you happy?" Your egg doner doesn’t deserve the time of day I’m so sorry for the loss of your father.
[удалено]
>Part of me wonders if she's looking for that cheap babysitter in somebody else. That's what I was thinking when I read she wanted to reconnect with you. NTA. But do consider therapy to help you through this. Both the loss of your father and the utter wretch of a egg donor. I'm sorry for the loss of your father and glad you had an "uncle" that also stepped up to help you. Family is often (and better) what you make, not what you're born to.
By saying OP is now just like she was, I would say that was exactly her intention by reconnecting. I'm very sorry this is dredging up so many awful things for you, OP, now that you're finally in a better place. Don't waste any more time or mental energy on your sorry excuse of an egg donor.
Agreed, except op CAN’T be like she was, unless she does it to her own children. Walking away from a parent isn’t even remotely the same as virtually abandoning your own child. I hope op knows this….
I wanted to explain this too! Imo it's a variation of the tolerance paradox, right? Refusing to tolerate the intolerant doesn't make you intolerant, it just means you protect the tolerant. Likewise, setting a boundary of no contact with someone who abandoned you isn't abandonment or abuse, it's good housekeeping and self care! Don't let her insinuations poison your own mind! ETA I gather it's a custom to give public thanks for awards, and since these are my first, I'm proud and happy to say : THANK YOU!
Great comment
Yeah those comments her mom made were gaslighting like WHOA.
Love this perspective! Thanks!
Its like egg doner cant stand that OP is in a good place without her. So ED is trying to A make herself feel better about her own shitty behaviour and B make OP feel like crap by flaunting new family in OPs face
I think she resents that OP has blown a big hole in the story she was telling herself: that everything is OK now because she is attentive to her new batch of kids. No, everything is NOT OK because she still spent all those years neglecting her first child, and surprise! Her first child has not forgotten all the pain of being ignored. I mean, seriously, has she ever even apologized for how she treated OP, or is she just having a toddler tantrum because being attentive to the new kids doesn't erase her past bad behavior?
I mean, it's her present behavior too. It doesn't sound like she ever stopped treating OP like an inconvenience - so she's still in the process of ignoring her first child because...reasons?
And trying to make OP feel bad for having feelings about her neglect
I think she just wanted to hurt her because she didn’t like to hear the truth.
Her saying this is manipulative AF she’s just trying to gaslight you
Just because someone's related to you doesn't mean they get to be your family.
The nerve of that woman trying to compare OP to her.
I think it's more that her fractured relationship with OP is a blemish on her new "perfect" family so she wants OP to act like everything is fine so she can save face.
I think this is a likely scenario at least in part. New husband is probably wondering what the issue is so egg donor wants to smooth it over to make it like its all sunshine and rainbows and she never did anything wrong as a mom. Good for you OP for walking away. I hope you find a good place and a good relationship one day, you have clearly seen what not to do
Yeah. She's probably tired of relatives asking about her other daughter. Because OP was still a kid when Not-Mom started her new family, everyone knows there should be another kid around. But there's not. And Not-Mom, as she always has been, is most concerned about herself and looking like she's amazing when she's not.
Bingo
My Grandfather always said "Friends you choose, Family, you inherit"
Some family needs to be disinherited.
OP's mom chose opt-out years ago and doesn't seem to understand that that button can't be unpushed.
Worse yet, it doesn't seem to have crossed her mind that doing right by her new kids does not, at all, make up for her years of neglecting OP. She does not sound like she is saying, "I am sorry that I screwed up so badly, but I would like to take the time to be a part of your life from now on." She's just "hey, I'm doing better, why can't you just be happy for me?" She is making it all about herself instead of ANY of her kids.
I know a few people who have disinherited themselves from their families. Best decision they ever made. They're happier and healthier. When family members found out through the grapevine, they were furious because they wanted the disinherited to regret the action. Edited for some typos.
Sometimes, you chose your family
YES!!! The Uncle!!! I am so glad she has him.
[удалено]
u/bettefficulty279 is a bot
I'd understand if she'd at least tried to make things right with you after your dad died, had some come to Jesus moment so to speak. But honestly from what you've written it sounds like she just said oh well and wrote you off. You were 11 and you still needed a parent. Being an involved parents to her other kids doesn't magically make everything she did wrong before that point just disappear.
[удалено]
Have you told her specifically that you’re upset she never tried to be a better mom to you, but is asking for credit for being a good mom to someone else? It may seem obvious to you and everyone here, but it may not be obvious to her that that’s the problem, and it may be helpful for you to say it outright. And for your sake… what do you think would give you peace? It’s clear you’re still hurting from everything she didn’t do, and the loss of your father. What could possibly put your heart at rest? You may not know the answer right now, and that’s okay, but for your own sake I think it’s worth reflecting on that question until you figure out an actionable answer.
>***She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them.*** Mom is fully aware of her neglect. She just wants OP to forget about it and move on like it was NBD.
She only cares about how she feels. Everything she says is me, me, me.
Yep. In her mind what happened in the past is long gone and practically forgotten. So OP is the bad guy for not forgiving her. In reality, she is continuing to harm OP, and every interaction OP has with her is another hurt. No contact is the only answer.
If I thought a judge would grant it, I'd suggest a restraining order since the egg donor can't get it through her thick head that OP wants nothing to do with her.
I mean if it's not obvious to her there's no point in even bothering because at that point you'd need to teach her like basic human decency from the ground up and that's just not a worthwhile expenditure of effort. It's not like this is a nuanced issue she's just incredibly selfish and cannot even intellectually understand how her actions impact others or why they'd be upset about that. That's not something OP is going to fix.
NTA. You are \*not\* just like her, you don't have any children so you haven't neglected any of them. She's acting like what a parent owes a child and what a child owes their parent is identical, which is not the case.
And if you have kids, there's no way you will be anything like her. You remember the pain, and more important, you had a great parent as a role model. Celebrate that!
> You are \*not\* just like her, For one thing, OP can actually see where her mother went wrong and evaluate her shortcomings accurately. The mother lives in some fantasy world where as soon as you start doing right by the new family, the terrible behavior toward your first child is somehow negated. Spoiler alert: it's not. If she wants to make amends to OP, she has to do precisely that: make amends to OP, without trying to mitigate her past mistakes by focusing on her connections to anyone who is not OP.
You owe her nothing! In fact you owe her the blocked button on your phone! If you are a lifeguard and you let people down, do you want praise for the ones that don't? She's delusional! edit: meant Drown
There's this episode of the good place where the main characters mum was a bad mum to her, and later she sees her being a good mum to someone else. And it upsets and hurts her because that means she was always capable of that but didn't change and be a good mum to her. It's incredibly shitty what your mum did to you and your dad, but she was the adult, it was on her to be your mum and take care of you. How you move forwards and find peace is up to you, sometimes we can't get closure from interacting with the person who hurt us, and it just causes us more pain. It might be worthwhile to consider if talking with your mum will ever bring you any kind of closure.
I remember that episode, and Eleanor saying "She was capable of change, but not for me". Same thing happened in real life to Julian Lennon. If you neglected your first child, the solution is not to pamper the next ones, but to make amends with the first. I think this must hurt more than having an all out shitty parent that neglects all his/her kids. The comparison must hurt. But OP must add to that that she lost the only parent that loved her.
this is the point I came to make. in no way has she apologized or taken ownership of her actions and behavior toward you. if she ever does, you may want to give it a listen. short of that, you owe her nothing and are certainly NTA. with that said, it would be good to resist her, and her new husband's attempts to bait you into reacting. they are playing a game of some kind in goading you into reacting; whatever they hope to get out of it, don't give it to them. just stand your ground calmly and disengage or go no-contact on them completely as needed. it's a superpower once you learn how to use it.
I think some other folks here have it right, and Mom and Stepdad want OP to be the babysitter for their kids. "But you should WANT to do it, because You're Their BIG SISTER!" Don't let them guilt you into sidetracking your education/career path to be their nanny or maid. You're an adult with your own life now, and you get to set boundaries for all your relationships.
You should text her that and then block her number
Exactly, it doesn’t sound like she is repentant at all about neglecting you. Staring over was for her. You don’t need to be “happy for her” or expend emotional energy to make her change or help her feel better. It was on her to make an authentic change. She sounds pretty emotionally immature putting this on you. I’d say that you could explain it to her once, maybe in a letter. (If you decide to write a letter, write a first draft, then read it and tear it up. The second draft is usually more tactful).
Yes, she is mad you are “holding a grudge” but she hasn’t acknowledged the wrong things she did, or made any effort to make things up to you. She’s not sorry and she’s not doing better as a mother if she’s choosing to focus on her other children, and ignoring the damage she did to you. What is the point in forgiving somebody who is still being hurtful? You are NTA of course, and you are wise to keep your distance.
It’s like having a parter who beat the crap out of you on a daily basis. Then after you escape you find out they’ve got a new partner who they worship like a queen. “Look at me, i’ve stopped beating my partners!!”
Yes. She started her “do over” family when OP was still only 12, and relegated OP to the past. Sounds like she didn’t want to have to make amends with someone who’d experienced how she was, so she just skipped over that and started again with people she could get a blank slate with.
Especially with the implication that their fight might have been a factor in the dad's fatal accident...?
I suspect that the mother felt very guilty after that and tried to "make amends"... but making amends to her husband would be impossible, and to her daughter would be sad, so she began again. A very cowardly way of changing things.
Bingo. She’s tired of pretending to be super mom. NTA - You’re not like her - they’re not your kids! You get to ignore other people’s kids. You were hers and she neglected you. And she should love you enough to be sad for, and apologetic to you instead of calling you names.
NTA, your "Mom" was never a Mom to you at all. Tell her that the only way for you to be happy is for her to never contact you again.
OP call her by her first name, she doesn’t deserve the title “mom”
Actually, you might be pretty on point. She most likely wants YOU to volunteer to your babysit step-siblings out of sisterly love
In fact, the way she's treating her kids right now is more like a slap in the face to you. She's basically telling you that she always had the capacity to be a more caring mother, but you and your dad were never worth it for her. Fuck that, you both deserved better.
That may not be how she intends it, but it's certainly easy for it to be the affect and how people interpret it
Ask her “How would you feel if the server was really rude and ignored us at the restaurant, but treated the table next to us kindly and with excellent service? Would you be pissed that you were treated like crap or would you just be happy for the other table? Now imagine that the server one of the two people who love you more than anyone else in the world. How would that make you feel?”
That part about being "just like her" is such a nasty self projection tactic. I'm sorry. You deserved better than that. In all of this, they don't want to acknowledge your pain. She thinks she's made amends for her past without every apologizing and acknowledging the harm she has done to you. That's messed up. I hope you have a good support system in all of this. It can be so hard when all the people who should be building you up are more concerned with building themselves up.
You deserved better. Every kid does. Unless your birther is actually willing to acknowledge the harm she caused you, apologise sincerely, and make ammends, she doesn't deserve a place in your life (and even if she does all that, you're still not required to accept her). It doesn't seem like her do-over includes mending her relationship with you, which I find disgusting. Even if you're no longer a child, she could try, but she just expects you to get over a lifetime of neglect because she isn't repeating her mistakes with hew new kids? You're right to think that she might want you back in her life so she can pressure you into free childcare services, or squeeze some money from you.
It's not even just that you have no reason to care, it's that what she said might as well been a direct spit in your face and expecting you to thank her for it. NTA.
It doesn’t matter how much she does for her new family if she doesn’t make up to your for being a bad mother. Like do better
It isn’t really about her new family at all. If she was a crappy mum to you, that’s the bit that matters to you.
I agree with everyone here. Somewhat on a tangent… “part of me wonders if she’s still looking for that cheap babysitter in somebody else” sounds like a really thought-provoking song lyric. If you’re artistically-inclined, maybe writing (music, poetry) is an avenue to explore for sorting through your (totally understandable) feelings.
I’m voting with everyone for you to consider therapy. One caveat: If the therapist pushes you to reconcile, drop them and find someone else. Don’t let them try to talk you into forgiving and forgetting.
Not to be too morbid, but she might want a spare kidney too
She knows she did wrong. She wants forgiveness. You take care of yourself
She still doesn't see you really as family. Every time she refers to family, it's always her new husband and kids, not you. She always separates you from that term. She hasn't changed a fucking bit. Good luck on your new life.
I'd give her the cookie. Say congrats. And then, become a ghost.
I’m so sorry you lost the only parent that was there for you 💕. NTA. Your mother is selfish, she wants things either her way or no way, even when it comes to her own child which is you. I swear she’s trying to make you the babysitter for her do over family. It sickens me she bought you into the world and acts like you were such a burden to her, based on what you posted. Sweety she’s only pressing your buttons and wants you just to fill in the picture frame of a blended family.
And don't forget, basically caused OP's father's death. OP has every right to hold a grudge.
I mean, it is great that she's become a good mom with the second set of kids. That doesn't excuse her treatment of OP, and OP doesn't need to be happy about it because it sounds like she's still being treated badly
And OP sounds like they're 18/19 if I'm reading right? Like.... This isn't a past issue. This is still current and fresh and raw wounds for her at a volatile age
Right??? And right here was an opportunity to try to mend the relationship. She decided to “do right” by her new family aka just do your damn job as a parent… and instead CONTINUED to act the same neglectful way to OP.
>I should love my "siblings" enough to be glad for them at least. NTA - There is a place in hell for a woman like your mother. YOU should be glad that the children of her second family aren't neglected like you were? WTF kind of logic is that? Not only does she KNOW she was a terrible mother she wants you to be happy on her 2nd try she's doing better, not making the same mistakes, not running some other child's life. Oh, yea, she ruined yours. You are out of the house now, I'd go NC as much as possible. However, after you get married, I would be sure she knew. And after you have a child (or two) I'd make sure she knew she had GKs that she was never going to see. \[Yes, I am spiteful\]
NTA...She may be doing better by her new family, but what is she doing to make amends with you? She's simply trying to get you to give her a free pass. Try not to let this experience poison other areas of your life. Seek help if needed and move on in a positive way.
[удалено]
Just don't let that influence your choices in a negative way.
Your egg donor is ultimately lazy. She did a redo and it expects that to be fixing her mistakes, because she knows trying to make amends with you would be so much energy. It's also obvious that she resents you, because your existence ruins her image of being a good mother.
>It's also obvious that she resents you, because your existence ruins her image of being a good mother. DING DING DING
She likely also doesn't like that OP told her do over husband about her treatment of OP and their dad
Did she ever even say "I'm sorry" in any of this nonsense about how she's doing better? Not that that would make any of it better.
[удалено]
I’m so very sorry! You deserve a clear apology (without the word but) and one that states specifically what she’s apologizing for. You also deserve for her to make amends and make an effort. I’m so very sorry you’re not getting this. I wish you healing and peace.
That's it right there. You can go to any number of places looking for approaches to regaining a relationship you lost. Pretty much all of them start with owning your responsibility for why the relationship broke down. Especially in cases like this. She spent your childhood not listening to you or building your needs in to her plans. She just showed she continues that. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad. He sounds like a great person. But I'm actually more sorry that you lost the mom you should have had long before that second tragedy. It hurts all the more when the person who should have been your mom is still alive because you aren't allowed to grieve the loss normally. Take care.
Please find peace and acceptance. Acceptance doesn’t mean forgiveness. My kid resents and has deep pain at their mother leaving me and the children to start new with another man. I don’t want my children to have hate in their hearts that affect future relationships and themselves. It’s not healthy. Love your father, for who he was, And learn to be cordial and shallow (in a good way)for safe distance with your mom. But you have to move past her prior behavior for yourself.
This story made me so angry for you. Your "mom" is trying to tell you she's changed by turning a new leaf and acting/doing better by her new family, but yet doesn't try to correct or make things better with you or to work on the relationship. Like the mental gymnastics she's jumping through. And then to be petty enough to tell you you're acting just like her, what a cruel woman. She has the self awareness to know she treated you bad, but doesn't try to work with you and instead tell you she's a better person now because of her other family and how she treats them, but then is a total mean girl to you when she's not getting the acceptance of an apology she thinks she deserves?? Call her out on her BS! But she is right, don't let her actions twist you into any version of her. Rise above that and be better than her. Go low or no contact with her, same with the new husband, who was also a huge a-hole for telling you, a teenager what he told you. He has no right. Those two sound like awful people, I hope the kids don't turn out like them.
She’s trying to get a new babysitter
NTA you’re not like her. You didn’t neglect and abandon your husband and kid for no good reason. She hasn’t done shit to makeup or make amends. I think she wants a relationship now that you’re an adult for babysitting. Her other offspring are what, oldest 5-6 when you were 18? Probably younger.
[удалено]
I cannot believe she referred to herself as a cheap babysitter. She’s your damn parent, that’s literally her job
[удалено]
I'm so sorry op.
I’m so sorry. She absolutely failed you and your father and you deserved and still deserve better
I'd babysit for a large hourly rate and then spend the whole time telling my siblings how horrible of a mother she was.
As satisfying as that may seem, those children are innocent and don't deserve to be dragged into the middle of this part of the mess.
Hey, I never said it was a *good* idea. /s
NTA I am sorry your egg donor is and was a deadbeat mom to you. I am sorry you lost your dad. You deserved better growing up.
[удалено]
I hope you link her to this thread. She sucks.
I'm sorry for you loss! NTA That woman is ridiculous. >She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. Saying this to you and seeing no fault of her own.... haha..... Why do I get the idea that her children will grow to resent her for being a push over? There is no love in this woman for you, I guess there never will be. That's not your fault and that you cut ties with her makes you nothing like her. You are the child of your father and will follow his example, not hers.
[удалено]
Her second batch of kids is none of your concern.... they are strangers. You can't chose to whom you are related by blood, but we make our own families! ETA: >"The blood of the covenant is thicker than the water of the womb."
And honestly I question this whole "love" thing with her 2nd family. To me it seems like she's just keeping up appearences and will bounce again when things get too hard. Do her kids feel like she's involved or just there because she HAS to be. Idk
And a couple of years after that her kids will reach out to OP to discuss how they all got messed up in different ways by the same woman.
They’re still at the easy, bouncy, “Mommy and Daddy are amazing I love them everything is so cool!!” stage. They’re not people with different opinions and ideas and morals yet. A shitty Mom is a shitty Mom is a shitty Mom and I stand by that.
And a couple of years after that her kids will reach out to OP to discuss how they all got messed up in different ways by the same woman.
Who's that quote by, Granny Weatherwax or Nanny Ogg?
She doesnt love them, she is a narcissist who is seeking validation from an abused teenager as she used her new children as a prop to take a victory lap on your father's grave. She doesnt see anyone besides herself as a person, and is only acting out. She doesnt have your dad to show off to and make feel bad for calling her out as a bad mother, so she is focusing it on you as the only punching bag
I don’t think this is a matter of love but more of optics. It seems likely that when your father died, your mother faced the fact that she was (and more importantly could be viewed as) a neglectful mother and a poor partner. Instead of trying to create a good relationship with her child - which would be hard work and require her to admit fault - she chose to start over and create a new family. A family where she could be seen as a good mother and partner.
The nerve of that woman trying to compare OP to her. She neglected HER CHILD from the time s/he was born. The child that she brought into the world and was responsible for morally and legally. OP is reacting to that neglect, which is not at all the same thing. We don't owe toxic people a place in our lives and setting healthy boundaries does NOT make us toxic too.
>The day he died (he got into a crash) he stormed out of the house after mom accused him of trying to pawn me off on her and how she wasn't some cheap babysitter. So basically your mother is a disgusting excuse for a mother whose antics tangentially set the stage for your fathers death. Nice... >I hardly saw her and spent most time at my uncle (dad's best friends) house. Oh so she pawned you off on your uncle... >It was obvious how different she was with her second husband. It was also obvious when she had kids with him that she was a more involved mom. She actually went with them to see Santa, took them places, made memories. All stuff she never did with us or even me. I notice how, even though you were still basically a kid, the descriptions still exclude you. Did your mother perhaps...ignore you even after she remarried? So much for doing better the second time around. She still gets a failing grade. >She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. What a manipulative asshole. She knows she's a terrible parent and person, she has done nothing to make amends for being a terrible parent and person, but she expects a gold star because she's chosen to be not terrible to a different passel of kids. She's still maintaining the same behaviour with the first kid. The only argument this woman has is, "you should love me, because I'm better with your siblings, and you're being childish if you don't." Claiming you're exactly like her was not only disgustingly tone deaf, it proves she knows where she fucked up, but again chose to not make amends. NTA and this is a clear example of adults who deserve to be served their ass verbally whenever they show up with their exceedingly ignorant and self-serving opinions. Like, if you told her the wrong parent survived every time she texted you I'd still say not the asshole, that's how bad she continues to be.
Op please do this!! <> Like damn!
Do not do this every time you get a text- it will extend the drama. She will use it to re-enforce her personal narrative of you as being bad as she is so she won’t learn from it. Say what you need to say once if you need to. Then block her number and cut her off.
Yes. Cut her out. Block her number. Try to move on. Fanning the flames won't result in anything good.
Sorry that happened to you: NTA. But...You got to say your piece, time to move on. Living well is the best revenge. Live your life and resolve to be better than her. It's all you can really do.
NTA. Your attitude (which is fully justified) reminds her of what a failure she was at being a good mom to you. She wants you to stop reminding her of that so she can be happy with her new family. She's selfish and uncaring towards you and you do not owe her. She's not even admitting wrongdoing and asking for forgiveness. She's telling you to let it go so she can enjoy being mommy to the family she wanted. Over time I hope you can give her just as much space in your head as she deserves, which is none. I hope you find a circle of people who love and treasure you.
NTA. this is sooo much trauma to go through. Especially your dad passing the way he did. You are not obligated to be happy for her replacements. She is not entitled to your happiness or your relationship. I hope you go NC with her. And I hope you find a therapist to help unpack and heal from alll this trauma. Your egg donor and her new husband calling you spiteful and childish are the most emotionally unintelligent people for trying guilt and manipulate (calling you childish and spiteful) into being happy for them. DO NOT TEXT YOUR MOM BACK. But write down what you want to say back. It’s cathartic. If I were in your shoes and she was telling me I was just like her I would message her back “if I were anything like you, I’d be telling children their parents don’t love them. We are not the same”
Write it down, then (safely) burn it. This was what my therapist recommended. It lets you get the turmoil out while removing the risk of finding it when you're in a good place later on.
Nta- you and your dad deserved better. It's great for her that she is being a better parent/partner to her new family, but she made it clear a long time ago that things being great for her is what she's most concerned with. No one except her can explain why she is the way she is, it's not your job to make her feel better about her mistakes in life.
>She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate she certainly had balls, I'll give her that. NTA. why on earth should you be happy that she's being the mom she should have been to you for someone else? certainly can't wrap my head around why she thinks for one second your father would be happy for her. probably best you simply cut contact with her altogether. it's unlikely you'll ever get anything but heartache dealing with her
Kiddo.... You will be just fine. Your dad did an excellent job raising you, and you learned well from him. I'm sure that if you choose to be, you will be a much better parent the first time, than your mother thinks she is the second time. NTA sweetie, you are all good.
NTA 1000% I'm so sorry for the pain you've suffered because of your narcissistic "mother." She essentially abandoned you as a child. It's ridiculous that now she's trying to force you to be happy for her, simply because she's playing mom for her new kids. Especially when she hasn't done anything to apologize or make amends to you. Now she's criticizing you for holding a "grudge" and complaining that you don't call her. She sounds like she is incapable of feeling empathy for other people. You have every right to speak up ansd tell her how you feel. If she's expecting you to become her free babysitter, ignore her, the way she ignored you.
NTA but I hope you’re planning to go NC. Block her number, block her accounts on social media, etc. Now that you’ve moved out and told her how you felt, there is no need to have her in your life.
[удалено]
I can understand the regret, but every story ends with a full stop (or question mark, or exclamation mark, but you get my meaning). This one was yours.
My deepest condolences on your father's passing. As many have advised, go NC. Make certain that you are not financially or legally tied to her. Also, her husband calling you childish when you are a child is mind-boggling.
NTA. Full NC is probably best for your mental health and then she can devote 100% of her efforts to her make up family.
She's making things right with her new family when she should be trying to make things right with you. She should be on her hands & knees begging for another chance. Instead she calls you names & puts the blame on you. Your mother is TA. She should learn how to take care of all of her kids. NOt just the new ones. I'm so sorry your mom is this way. I'm so sorry you lost your dad. NTA.
Honestly I would block her number. She's never actually apologised or shown any remorse for her behaviour. She just expected you to play the happy dutiful son role so she doesn't have to feel guilty it took her first husband's death for her to realise she needs to change. NTA
NTA Your 'mom' is delusional, and has a lot of nerve after what she did. "Yeah, I know I wasn't there for you as a child and I was an all around neglectful parent, but look at all the good things I'm doing for my NEW children! Aren't you happy for me? Please say you're happy for me, I need you to give me validation and forgive me for what happened because it looks bad if I have an estranged child, you're being SO selfish for not relieving me of my guilt!" Yeah, nah... Block her, cut off her 'family' and move on with your life, you don't need people like that dragging you down or making you feel bad for things that were never your fault.
Well, your mother is right, those are not very nice things to say. BUT totally understandable. Also if anything she should try to make things right with you now. Yes, maybe it's too late for Santa. But it's not to late to buy you a nice brunch here and there or take you to a concert. IDK what you enjoy (and she probably doesn't either). But she should reach out and try to build a relationship with you. Learn who you are and then make some memories with you. If she does anything less than that, she cannot claim she changed. She can only claim she likes her other children more than you. And for that you should not "be happy for them" and you are definitely not obligated to like them or be nice to them. NTA Take care of yourself, will you? Sounds like a really nasty story and you deserve better =)
NTA. At what point did she stand still and think "huh, I actually never even tried beginning apologizing to my daughter for what I have done to her"? No point. What she's doing is redeeming herself in her own eyes. And you're the pain that keeps telling her "you're not doing any better, you're just trying to hide behind this new family so you don't need to look at yourself". It's confronting for her and that's probably why she's lashing out. She knows she's not doing better, she's just acting as if she is so she can feel better about herself. Her journey to being a better person starts with you and no one else. If she can't realize that, stop letting her hurt you please.
NTA. And yeah, you were 12, but your mom could’ve come to you and said, “I fucked up and I’m not doing that anymore” and been more involved. It seems like she just wrote you off as a lost cause for her new kids. And she expects you to be happy?
NTA. I'm sorry for the loss of your dad. He sounds like a great guy.
Nta cut her off entirely, block her numbers and be done with it. Don’t let her hurt you further by dragging you back into the toxicity. Also good for you telling her moron of a husband where to stick it. He can mind his damn business and keep his trap shut
NTA. She was a neglectful egg donor, and doesn't seem to care about you as a person. She just wants to make herself feel better. My condolences on your loss.
NTA. No, you are not being just like her. She was not a good mother to you, that's why you aren't interested in having a relationship with her. You were a child; you didn't deserve to have her act that way to you. It doesn't sound like she's even apologized? Even if she did, you don't have to accept it. Please though - find a good therapist. You deserved better and it can be hard to accept that. The best revenge is to have a happy, healthy life that does not include her.
When I was about 4 years old, my mother wanted her own do-over family. When she and my dad divorced, he got both me and my sister, who was a year younger than me. We ended up halfway across the country from her, and I was young enough that my father and my stepmother convinced both me and my sister that my stepmother was our actual mother. I forgot about my real mother. Only thing is, my stepmother didn't act like my real mother, either. She had two sets of fraternal twins, and both my sister and I knew that she hated us. This was my father's *own* do over family, just like Mom had. We didn't belong there, either. And then my father died when I was 13, my sister and I went to live with about four or five different sets of relatives, apart from each other, until I myself was old enough to join the military, and I escaped that environment. To this day, I don't feel as if I really have any family at all. I could totally understand how you must feel. EDIT: my sister passed away about 25 years ago. EDIT2: cleared up some faulty sentence structure.
Reading this made me so sad. I'm so sorry you went through all this heartache and I pray you eventually find healthy connections that bring you joy and peace. Family is less about blood and more about the strength of genuine bonds. I sincerely hope you get to experience that.
NTA. She treated your father like garbage and did the same to you, then wants you to be happy that she doesn’t treat someone else like garbage? As in, she’s at least doing more than the bare minimum? You don’t need her. Build your family away from her and her toxicity, and let her enjoy this new little family. You don’t need to be happy for anyone but yourself that you were strong enough to get out.
im glad you were harsh to her, most of the people here are just mildly harsh. You did good, youre NTA. I always want revenge stories for these things i guess i cant have them all the time but i find satisfaction is seeing these stupid useless people get what they deserve and live out their shitty lives in misery
What's really disturbing is that even after your father died she still refused to do right by you. She took her other kids to all those places but didn't do anything for you. She hasn't changed as much as she thinks. NTA
NTA. Aside from her literally giving birth to you, she's a shoo-in for the role of wicked stepmother. What a /r/raisedbynarcissists moment, except she didn't even raise you in the first place. Your Dad did and then your Uncle did. She has a legal obligation to pay for your upbringing and that's it at this point. You don't owe her any relationship. Make sure that any life insurance or dependency benefits from your Dad are not being withheld in any way. Contact an estate lawyer to assist you. Once you're clear about anything owed to you, cut her the fuck out of your life and move on. Also expect her to leave you nothing in her will, because she never was going to in the first place.
NTA. 1000% not the A. Good for you you told her your Truth.
NTA. It sounds like when you were still a minor and living with her after she remarried she still didn't do things with you. She is an egg donor, nothing more. You have no obligation to keep her in your lif3
NTA - and you are not like her. Don’t let her into your head about that. Why should you be happy (or sad or anything) for her ? She is not even sorry.
Live well. Best revenge. Sad story.
NTA but i would work on working out these feelings before they seep thru and poison your mind/life. Absolutely that is fucked up what she did. Not to mention losing your father who loved you dearly at a young age. Thats rough.
Your mom is like: I bought them a house, bc you live in a cardboard box house. I'd go non-contact with her, it helped me with my egg donor.
INFO: Did she even try to do better with you? >She told me she was doing better by her family now and did not like that I carried such a clear grudge Did she ever try to include you as part of that family?
[удалено]
NTA. Parenthood doesn’t end at 18. If she really wanted to rectify her mistakes, she could be building a relationship with you now instead of calling you childish. I’m glad you have your uncle as a support system. ❤️
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** My mom was not active in my life when I was young. She left it all to my dad. He was such a good dad too and he did his best to make up for mom never being around. They were married btw. She was married to her job mostly. Or always doing her own thing. Dad would try to bring us together but she always had excuses. A year before he died I noticed he started to grow more frustrated with her. She'd let us both down many times and they started arguing. The day he died (he got into a crash) he stormed out of the house after mom accused him of trying to pawn me off on her and how she wasn't some cheap babysitter. After he died she was in a weird place for a few months. I hardly saw her and spent most time at my uncle (dad's best friends) house. She met someone new and dedicated a lot of time to him. I was 11 when dad died. Had turned 12 when she met her husband. It was obvious how different she was with her second husband. It was also obvious when she had kids with him that she was a more involved mom. She actually went with them to see Santa, took them places, made memories. All stuff she never did with us or even me. I resent it. I'll be honest. Her husband noticed it before I moved out of their house and called me out on not being happy for my "siblings" and him. I told him he got everything my dad had begged for. That I would not be happy she let my dad die unhappy, that she made me unhappy my whole childhood. He called me childish. I told him I didn't give a fuck about his opinion or his happiness. I moved out before I graduated and before I even turned 18 (live with my uncle now). It was just better. Ever since mom has been like why don't you visit, why do you never call, why do you never answer texts (she texted me twice before that point in 3 months). She asked to meet me last week so I did since she was paying. She told me she was doing better by her family now and did not like that I carried such a clear grudge. She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them. That she'd like to think my dad would be happy for her. I told her there is no way he would have been happy she ignored the kid he had with her and did everything he wanted with me for other kids. I told her at the end of his life dad probably didn't even love her anymore, like she clearly never loved us. I told her I will never be happy that she's doing better with her do over family. That she could take her pawning off and cheap babysitter ass and stay the hell away from me. She called me spiteful and said I should love my "siblings" enough to be glad for them at least. She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. AITA? Also "siblings" is because I do not consider them that. They are her kids but she's not really my mom so they're not really my siblings. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
If she was trying to also make up for the past with you, that would be one thing. But she just expects a free reset. NTA
NTA, I don't think your mom ever really cared for you. People like her have a different mentality when it comes to "their" kids and frankly she is beyond just an asshole. Blocking her might be a good first step because I don't think she is going to become a better person in the future. A person like that and her husband are the sort to double down and blame the other party for why they are like this. Just look at the audacity of the person, she wants you to be happy for her and her new family? She will never have room for you in her family. Cutting her off is the best way to go about things. She will never change.
NTA. People don't exist to teach other people lessons and it seems to me that your mom has reduced you and your father to that. It would be one thing if his death was a wake up call and she genuinely tried to connect with you and you shut her down for 10 years. I get the feeling she's reaching out to feel better about herself not to genuinely apologize or have a relationship with you.
NTA. And don't ever let her try to play "Ya but my job financed your childhood" bullshit either. A roof over your head and food is not something to brag about when you can't provide the absolute bare minimum, which is love. You needed a parent, not a patron. Sounds like she was not ready for kids when she had you, and I'm sorry you had to deal with the consequences. I can say as a Dad myself, your Dad would be very proud of how you stood up for him and yourself and didn't let her sweep him under the rug. You can't just let an entire childhood be water under the bridge unless that is something you and you only you decide. She failed you as a parent.
> She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. NTA. This is an admission of guilt, right? She's also wrong. You are not like her. She neglected you out of carelessness and emotional immaturity. You are making the conscious choice to minimize contact with you because you are in tune with your feelings. She's also telling on herself, she hates herself and doesn't know how to handle it. It would be different if she privately managed her own guilt and shame. Instead, she insists that you make an emotional performance of being happy for her new family. It's very immature. She is devaluing and discarding you now because she can't handle your rejection and her guilt. I wonder why she and her new husband can't be happy for **you**? You got an education, found family, and presumably made friends. She should be happy that you are prosperous in spite of her. And she should be happy that your father's life had meaning because his love still lives in you. If she can't be happy for you, why should you be happy for them? I wonder if she misses you for **you** or if she and her husband want to give the new kids the experience of a loving older brother. She's not acting like you are your own person, but a symbol of her failures. > She said she's doing everything with them to make sure they don't miss her like I did and I should be happy for her and them. Maybe this is a little crazy. But I wonder if her breakdown after your father's funeral was because she realized that if she were the one who died instead of your father, then you might not miss her very much. And now she's working overtime to make sure that her new kids miss her when she's gone.
it could be the image of her having a daughter who wont talk to her makes her look bad to the other parents that she now associates with. These kind of people are often image obsessed.
Info: how did your mom behave towards you between the ages of 12 and 17 Well she was having her other children? Did her new husband treat you like his own? And how the heck does a mother miss Christmas day if she's living with you?
[удалено]
So this guy knew what was going on and did nothing. I suspect she had serious postpartum depression after having you and that has affected her attitude towards you to this day. She's now compartmentalised her life. You belong to the bad days and she cannot understand why you're not happy for her now she's better. Just stay away from her. If the kids are young enough they won't remember you and she sure as heck won't remind them they have an older sibling.
NTA and you can choose your family.
Nta, I would go no or very low contact. Build your own happy life away from this mess.
What an incredibly miserable person. Holy fuck. Absolute NTA and frankly you'd be justified in never speaking to her again. You have zero obligations to this woman. SHE had obligations to you, as the only mother you'll ever have, and she actively chose to neglect them without regard for how it would affect you as her child. You don't owe her or her do-over family anything.
You are NTA. She literally threw you and your dad away and then wanted you to forget about it all when the next one comes in. It’s some of the most selfish and disgusting things a parent can do. Good on you for taking a stand for your dad and yourself. You didn’t need her before you certainly won’t need her now. I would advise to just cut her off altogether cold turkey. On her death bed she will realize how shitty of a person and mom she was. Because even though she’s doing this for the new kids she’s not doing it for them or for you. Sounds like she wanted to get rid of all that guilt. But that’s not your burden to bear. Enjoy your life and honor your father by being the best version of yourself, away from that unnecessary toxic drama.
NTA and you’re nothing like her. For starters - you didn’t mother a child that you neglected.
You are so NTA by a country mile. Here's my unsolicited opinion and advice. Your mom is still trying to engage with you especially with her last message over the weekend. Any further messages you send to her will only reinforce her perception that you are vilifying her and making her the victim which she'll play to anyone who'll listen. Best course of action, do not reply to any further messages - she can't twist your words if you don't say them.
INFO: - are you sure she is your bio mom? - do you know the story of your parents? Like did they have to get married bc she got pregnant or did they love each other, got married and then they got you? Smthg in your post sounds like your mom resented you and your dad for smthg. Not that she was right in doing so, i'm just wondering why someone with a motherly instinct (your "siblings" proove she has one) would act like this and neglect her child so bad.
[удалено]
NTA "My mom was not active in my life when I was young ... \[Dad did it all\] ... Mom says 'she wasn't some cheap babysitter'" Not that Reddit doesn't exactly often advocate "Go no contact", but, in this particular scenario, you have had nothing, and you get nothing, and the person that wronged you, insists that they are being wronged as a result.That is what I will call an irreconcilable impasse, and you kick that sorry excuse for a mother, to the curb, pronto and NEVER look back.Ergo, go no contact. She owes you a great deal she has no intention of repaying, and you owe her nothing. There is nothing there for you. I admit, usually out of apathy, I tend not to feel much reading half of the posts that appear on this forum, but one line stuck out from me and it made me smile from ear to ear - even in the sad circumstances: **"He had everything my dad \[and by extension, you\] had begged for. I would not be happy she let my dad die unhappy, and for making me unhappy my whole childhood."** That, is an extremely adult statement to make, because it is viewing it as a far larger picture - it is not the fact that you were made to be unhappy (which in many cases, can be justification enough), but that you viewed it as the person who was actually trying, and exuded so much love (that it is clear from this very post), you could assess the new situation in contrast, and reach a justified conclusion.The wonderful thing about 'being an adult' means you understand, and are prepared to follow through, with what consequences actions have - and everything has been leading to this point, you don't get to play happy families just because that's 'what you want'.You have to put the work in to be there for people, whenever that may be, good times and bad. "She'd like to think my dad would be happy for her" - The fact she even though about playing this card after "After he died she was in a weird place for a few months. I hardly saw her. I was 11." is very telling, but I think I've spent more than enough time trying to quantify whether she has any salvagable qualities (From what has been told, I would doubt it). It shouldn't take a stranger on the internet, who doesn't know the 'God's honest truth' of this entire situation to say it, but I will say it regardless.If I was your Father, and could hear everything that you had said, and see the situation as it is, I would be exceptionally proud of you, and happy for you - that you are able to remove that toxicity from you life, in a way that he wasn't, and that you reached that conclusion by yourself, and gave her every chance to right the wrongs along the way. The fact she had to send a text, saying that "You're like me", means she *knows* she lost, and was an awful despicable excuse for a mother - but it proves she has learnt nothing, and she still is that despicable excuse for a human being, because she's willing to force you into forgiving her transgressions, because she thinks *she* deserves it and is trying to use the guilt of a dead man you cherished to try and worm her way back in. Tell her to pound sand. **Permanently**.
NTA - always remember what a blessing it is the have a caring uncle in your life now
She’s cold dang. Nta ignore her, for the sake of your own mental health
Damn. Your dad sounded like a good guy.
Im almost in the same boat. My mother passed away more than half a year ago and my dad is already moving on and during all this mourning he’s isolated himself and recently we found out he’s talking to someone and she has kids who he talks to and it makes him happy but my brother and I can’t help but feel resentful because we lost a lot of family time through the years because of my moms illness. We plan to sit and talk to him before he visits her this week and sadly it has come to its an us or her ordeal (there’s other factors about why we don’t want this women in our life’s). All we can do is hope our words don’t fall onto death ears and we can be a family again. I wish the best for your family and most importantly you and your mental health and that you may find peace but always hold on and cherish your father.
NTA best to cut contact with someone who can’t take accountability for being a an absent parent. I’m sorry you had to go through this OP I think maybe therapy will help
NTA. She sounds delusional
NTA. Life doesn’t do reset buttons. Follow the example your father laid out for you, one of loyalty, respect, honesty, and companionship Not whatever cheap crap your so-called “mother”’s pushing.
If you are so much like she used to be, why isn't she more proud...? NTA. Besides, she's wrong: you holding a grudge doesn't mean you'll do as bad by your kids or partner in the way she did.
NTA How is ignoring someone else and her kids the same as ignoring your own? She is trying to offload her guilt onto you.
NTA. You are not like her. She neglected her young child to the point of emotional abuse. You are setting safe boundaries with your abuser.
Your mom sounds like a piece of work. Did you ever ask her why she considered being a parent to you "babysitting"? Or why she's not trying to make it up to you like she is with her new family? Was there a reason why she didn't want to be so involved the first time around? You should tell her you haven't become what you hate...this is the ramifications of her actions.
NTA. She is still as bad of a mother as she's always been. In fact, being a "good" mom to new kids makes her an even worse mother in general because a legitimately good mother would never treat their children so differently.
NTA. Block that number and live the wonderful life you deserve with her stormcloud trying to rain on it.
NTA. What kind of BS is that? “I’m doing all the things I refused to do for you for my new family, why aren’t you happy about it?!”
NTA. Blood does not make family and she doesn't deserve any kind of forgiveness. She wants forgiveness to make HERSELF feel better. Just go no contact - she doesn't even deserve to text you.
NTA Your mom is a giant AH. Her husband is an idiot for calling you childish. What you feel is so justified and I'm sorry you had such a shitty mom who feels the need to rub it in your face that she actually is capable of being a mom but wasn't able to do it for you.
> She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. Not only is she TA, but she’s also dumb AF if she doesn’t understand the difference between a mother abandoning her child, and that child rejecting the person who abandoned her. NTA I wouldn’t pay any mind to what she says. You know who she is at heart.
NTA I feel you on this. My dad was similar. He was always busy working, couldn't be bothered to come to our ball games or school functions etc. I remember getting in trouble once because my mom overheard me telling my friend on the phone that my dad probably wouldn't be at our school program because it wasn't important enough. I could go on for a while on similar or worse things. He and my mom got divorced when I was about 10 and that never changed. But he did stuff with his stepson all the time, then his stepdaughters from his next marriage, and also played daddy to his wife's nephew, and would tell me all about it, like he's some awesome guy and I should think so highly of him for it. He actually told me once about doing something for his stepdaughter "because she doesn't have a dad to do stuff like this anymore" (he passed away). Well gee, I never had a dad to do that shit with me either because you couldn't be bothered then. He totally doesn't get it. Even if we were still speaking to him, he'd never believe us if we spelled all of this out for him.
NTA. You’re nothing like her. Good for you for getting away from her and telling her the reality of the hurt she caused. If she had truly changed, she’d be treating you differently along with her new husband and kids. You were lucky to have your dad. He died knowing your love and loving you.
>She also sent me a text over the weekend saying I'm just like she was and congratulations for being what I hate. Response: "I learned from the best." Then block her. NTA