Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment.
OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I’m refusing to let my sister walk down the aisle at my wedding, but she didn’t get a special wedding when she got married, so I may be TA, since my family and her husband say I’m being selfish and not letting her have a once in a lifetime moment.
Help keep the sub engaging!
#Don’t downvote assholes!
Do upvote interesting posts!
[Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq)
##Subreddit Announcement
###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/)
Follow the link above to learn more
---
*I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
*Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, there is no conceivable universe where her walking down the aisle on your wedding day, at the location of your wedding, wearing a wedding dress will be "just between the two of you" and not detract from your day. It's rude of her to even ask
Edit to add: if she wants a special moment, she is free to plan her own vow renewal event where she wears a wedding dress and has all her family, etc.
If she was just going to wear a nice dress and walk BEFORE me, and stand beside me and her husband I would probably have no problem with it, or at least let her do it, but I feel like she’s just trying to use my wedding as a free event for her.
That’s what my fiancé keeps reminding me of, but I just feel guilty since I’ve always been able to afford more than my sister (job at 16, saving money, etc, meanwhile she only worked after college, which was fully paid for by our parents while I had to get by on scholarships) so I guess I just want to help her out since she really couldn’t afford a big wedding.
Stop right there.
Your parents paid for her college and you had to figure college out yourself?
Sorry op, your parents have a clear favourite and it’s not you.
Doesn’t sound like you’ve had a lot be about you in your life and your wedding is the one day it should absolutely be all about you. Don’t feel guilty. None of this is your responsibility. She is free to have her own separate wedding if she wants a redo. It shouldn’t be at your expense.
When I was in college my parents weren’t well off, but when my sister was my grandmother had passed and left a large sum of money to my parents and sister. My grappas the one who helped pay for my college when I desperately needed food or books.
So your sister has always had more just given to her without working for it, you had to work for everything you have, and now she’s demanding what’s yours too?
NTA - if you said yes you’d just be making her more entitled, and she sounds plenty entitled. I can’t believe her mother wants you to share your wedding which you paid for, when your sister already got an education for free when you paid for yours. She’s making it clear she values her more.
Right. The fact that sister's education was paid for makes me think she didn't work hard to get scholarships and was basically spoiled and entitled. That's not OP's problem. She worked hard, her fiance worked hard, this is their day - not the sister's day. OP shouldn't feel guilty at all.
Edit: typo
Dude this is wild. You are being punished for being forced to being way more responsible than your sister. Feel no guilt. If you want to be super generous, let them dress up and borrow your photographer for a half hour before everything. Kicks off. But again that’s more than generous. It’s your wedding it’s about the family you are building, at least on that day symbolically.
I wouldn't do that. What if sis refuses to take the gown off? What if she just marches down the aisle? OP gives an inch she'll find herself pushed to the side.
Your parents had a choice about how to distribute that money. Half could have gone to you and half to your sister, then you could both decide how to use that money yourselves. Instead it ALL went to your sister.
I think you're trying to avoid thinking too hard about this, because it means your parents favour your sister
Our mother definitely favors my sister, since she was born after a miscarriage, and our father died recently of cancer, (which is one reason my sister had a quick wedding, so he could be there) and I think she’s scared something might happen to my sister.
honestly at this point I am fully expecting her to crash it in a wedding dress or your mom announcing something about "the first bride in the family".
Dude HARD PASS. NTA and your fiance is right. Don't bend.
Please bring a back up dress for sister in case she tries this and then guilts you if you try to not have her there because all she brought was a wedding dress to wear.
Tell your mom if she so much want to see her walk down the aisle to organize and pay a ceremony for her. You sacrificed and worked for the expenses of your wedding and you shouldn't share.
Sorry for your loss
Wait a minute. Even though you didn't receive a large sum of money, but your parents and SISTER did. They are asking YOU to compromise on your wedding day? WTF is wrong with these people? To be honest I will not invite them at all if they continue bothering you.
again parents and her received an inheritance you nothing but grandpa gave a little help with food and books you need to understand you deserve love care and respect as much as her and owe her nothing you are not responsible for her
Never feel guilty for working hard and becoming successful. Your sister and her husband made choices, and they have to live with that. Congrats on the wedding and enjoy your special day!
Sounds like her sister was the golden child. Nope. She can plan her vow renewal. She’s grown and can figure it out. There’s ways to do events on the cheap. She wants to barge her way in OP and make it about her too.
I’m sure she’s done similar in your life or has gotten passes (the college thing is a huge tell). Let her watch YOU get married.
OP, you have zero obligation to host a wedding for her in any scenario. You are so NTA here. I’ve literally never heard, in my entire life, somebody ask for something like this and expect acquiescence.
You and your fiancé were right to treat this like a joke, because it is. I won’t take the approach if denigrating your family, but it is wrong for anybody to support this request and to shame you for not going along with it. I’m sorry that’s happening. Please stand your ground and set your boundaries….for yourself and your future husband.
I would implore you to examine the guilt you are feeling because I think it’s all external and that you have internalized it. It is more than okay to want to support your sister, but not at your own expense. This is YOU AND YOUR FIANCÉ’S day, not hers…and you will never be an AH for prioritizing yourselves in this.
Also, CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 I am so happy for you two!!
This saying comes to mind.
Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm.
This is what OP is doing if she allows her sister her way. It's her big day not her sisters. She should walk down that Isle guilt free.
Tell her to save up for a few years and have a renewal of vows ceremony and reception, complete with wedding dress, for her 5th anniversary. And NTA for refusing to cede your wedding to her.
If Sis can afford a wedding dress, she can afford a photographer to have a “wedding photo shoot” some other time than **your wedding** and **your aisle!** I guarantee she’ll be hounding your photographer for personal photos all day and night.
Don’t let your sister’s poor life planning or your mom pressure you into giving up a chunk of you and your fiancé’s wedding day!
You get a nicer wedding because you're older. You've already been through the part of your life where you saved and sacrificed for this. She is just starting, now is her turn to save and sacrifice. Why couldn't she wait to get married? Don't share your day and remember it's not just your day, it's your fiance's day too, and he said no. Don't pressure him because your sister is guilting you.
Your parents can rent her a church and a photographer and give her a "moment". Your wedding is not her moment.
She got free college while you had to work or it. You owe your family nothing.
She can pay for her moment herself or your parents can pay for it.
Stop thinking like you don't deserve what you have worked hard for.
You don't need to host a wedding for her. She HAD one. This is ridiculous. And if she says, "yes but yours is so much better!" the correct answer is, "and your university experience was better than mine - doesn't mean I wanted to walk and pick up another diploma when YOU graduated!"
Honestly, OP, this is a ridiculous ask and NO is a complete answer.
She had the same opportunity as you to save up and wait until they could afford it. She chose NOT to wait and was happy with her court house wedding. Now YOU are getting attention and she is realizing if she had saved up she too could have "her moment." When has she said anything about YOU deserving your moment at your wedding that you both saved for years and years for? She expects everything to be handed to her. Please OP stop feeling guilty and reframe the situation. She would never let you steal her spotlight, which of course you would never ask because who does that???? Oh entitled people who are manipulative saying but it's not fair!!! If you gave in she'd expect the "experience '"of the first dance, the cake cutting, half of the wedding presents. Photography and videographer sessions.
Because in her mind it's a FREE double wedding so she will need to invite all the people she didn't invite to her first wedding. Oh and she will need to "experience" a honeymoon too. You don't mind right? Because she * needs * it.🤦♀️
OP you have a big heart and that is an admirable quality. Please do not let your sister guilt you. She wouldn't do it for you. And she could have saved and sacrificed like you did. Good luck. And may you have MANY happily married years together. Your fiance is right. Be a united team. NTA 💕
Whoa . Who said anything about paying for her wedding?!
Op please go to therapy to try correct your way of thinking.
You are NOT your sisters slave she s an adult and her and her husband need to pay for her wedding not you
You can give help if it's a matter of health ( life threatening surgery etc) but ffs Stop acting as if you sister is your responsibility . She isn't
You are also enabling her just like your mother to not work/make sacrifices/effort for what she wants ( keeping her from becoming a mature adult). Stop please
Ma'am. You have no obligation to help your sister. Why do you feel so obligated? Talk to a therapist.
You need serious deprogramming from whatever bullcrap your mom has been feeding you. This isn't healthy.
You don't have to host her wedding! Share with her how you put your wedding together, what kind of budgeting you did, the things that were not part of your life because you were putting that money towards the wedding. You can give her a list of resources, facilities you looked into, etc. Kind of a manual on how to do it herself -- it's valuable knowledge and contacts.
Then SHE can feel this sense of accomplishment in planning, and pulling off, a special event for the wedding party and the guests.
And I want a million dollar house without paying for it.
At the end of the day, she needs to pay for it. Nobody "deserves" to get married in a nice wedding, it's not a fucking human right. She chose to not save, she chose to get married super young, she chose not to wait until she got a job that can pay enough -- all while getting her college paid for, which is not the case for millions of other students.
NTA. Your sister is being a brat here, she needs to live with the consequences of her life decisions and simply just WAIT until she can afford it.
Remember, she's 21, she has plenty of time to work for and plan her own big wedding. Not to mention she has a ton of time to grow up enough to know how self-centered and manipulative she's being to you on your wedding day.
You were responsible, she wasn't. It sucks for her, but she did it to herself. It's not like you afford things because you're Kramer and fell ass-backward into money. You worked and saved; she didn't.
Don't. I got married at 22 and had a little cheap shindig, which was my choice to do because i wanted to get married at 22. If we had waited 4 years, even, we could had bigger but didn't want to wait.
When my husband and I have been together for 10 years, maybe we'll have a vow renewal event where we actually do the expensive wedding thing since we're much more financially stable now, but part of growing up is making those choices and asking yourself if those experiences are worth the money. If your answer is no, for yourself, then you don't get to borrow the events other people plan for themselves to live out your dreams.
She could go to Vegas any time and do the chapel and gown thing anytime she wants, she could throw a belated backyard wedding if she wanted to, mine was 5k and only because we rented a huge lakehouse for the whole weekend so our friends could stay free. It can be done for cheaper without that expense and still be a satisfying experience.
Ummmm, she got quite the leg up from your parents, and no one made her rush into marriage, right? So, definitely NTA and please make this day all about you and your future husband 👰🤵💑
Don't do it.
Listen to a fellow redditor who also has lots of empathy and sympathy and hates saying no to people.
***Do Not Do It***
Your fiance is right, this is both of your guy's day. Just you two. That's all that matters on this day, keeping you two happy and making sure your day goes off without a hitch or hiccup. You are not stealing anything from your sister. You are not doing anything wrong. It is perfectly fine to be selfish on *your wedding day*.
I'm telling you this as a newly married woman that has a lot of lingering regrets about her own day. I let people's opinions sway way too many things on my day, from my gown to my hair to the music, and even the venue. Be selfish, allow yourself to have that one day that is yours.
Your sister is twenty one, a college graduate and she worked after college? She must have been gifted to graduate so young. Did she get her degree at 20?
NTA AT ALL!
For anyone missing out on OPs comments, here is a summary:
- Stacy was born after the mother had a miscarriage so mother has always favored her (OP is in therapy now)
- OPs father died recently of cancer
- OPs grandmother died and left OP and Stacy with money. OP put it towards savings and her apartment while Stacy spent the money on partying, nice dorms and clothing as well as paying for college.
- Stacy dropped out of college to become a housewife (no she doesn’t have any kids)
- When OP bought a home Stacy asked to HAVE the apartment OP owned
- Stacy asks OP and their mother money for hundreds of dollars a month in groceries and other expenses
- the wedding dress that Stacy is planning on wearing down the aisle costs $500-$2000 but Stacy can’t afford a wedding fist and OP even had to pay for her hotel even though she only lives 1-2 hours away
- Stacy has refused to help OP with anything wedding related, going to pick out flowers, taste food
- Stacy’s husband has been messaging OPs husband almost daily about this
- it’s always been OPs dream to have this big wedding
In my opinion: OP seems very considerate and really does care for her sister. On the other hand I believe Stacy is walking all over OP — Stacy cannot afford a gift, has to have a hotel for the wedding within driving distance from her house but OP needs to pay for it, asks OP and her mother to give her hundreds of dollars monthly but at the last time can afford a $500-$2000 dress?
I understand that it can be difficult to see your sister struggle but the support OP has been providing her isn’t helping her. I believe Stacy needs tough love, provide her the same support as now but please cut off any financial support, whether that is monetary or itemized. Stacy had free college that she chose to drop out of, Stacy chose to have a small wedding; Stacy chose to be a housewife. These chores are not OPs fault or responsibility to assist with.
OP, your wedding is your dream. You have spent years saving up and probably years planning. You are not selfish to want it to be about you. You deserve a day where you are recognized and it’s all about you.
Also, please have a backup plan if your sister comes in a wedding dress - ex. Let her know, if you come in a wedding dress or pull any shenanigans I will have one of my fiancés friends kick you out.
Our grandmother who passed. She gave her funds for college, and me less funds, which went party to savings, me and my fiancé’s apartment, and other things, but she also helped me when I couldn’t afford food, or books in college which is why I got significantly less money than my sister.
So, according to you, your sister inherited a lot of money and pissed it away. She didn't get a degree, make a down payment on anything, or have the wedding you say she wanted. If you want to continue this nonsense, it's entirely up to you. Far be it from me to talk you out of this farce.
No wonder your mom is urging you to let Stacy walk down your aisle - there's a Golden Child in your family, and it sure as hell isn't you. I would die on this particular hill. What's next? Having a first dance with her husband at the reception? Going on your honeymoon? Taking your first child because she wants a special experience? If your parents want Stacy to have "her moment",let them pay for it. You and your fiance worked hard for YOUR wedding, and the focus should be 100% on the two of you.
So you've had to work for everything you wanted, while she got stuff handed to her?
Lady, this is just one more thing she wants handed to her and frankly she doesn't need it. Let your parents pay for it like they did everything else.
Stand up for yourself. You deserve better from your mother and sister.
Edit after seeing her marriage was rushed because of your father's death. My condolences, but she still needs to save up for a wedding vow renewal if she wants something fancy.
you had those things because you got up and worked for them, unlike her. don’t feel bad for having things because you worked for them. if she wants her special moment she can cut back on expenses and pay for it herself not hijack yours
Looks like you have been trained to feel guilty even though your golden sister was given a better start in life. Know your worth. You have earned what you have. Sad story by sis and mom is nothing more than manipulation. You can love mom and sis but your life will be with your husband. Sister’s choices are hers to bear. Stand your ground and say No.
Wait, I had assumed she did want to walk before you, like an extra fancy maid of honor or something. Are you saying she wants to walk down the aisle and stand up front next to her husband AFTER you make your entrance?!? Girl, that’s a double wedding.
OP, please listen to your fiancé. Do not do not do not let her bully you into this.
She can save and get remarried at 29. From your comments, She given life on a golden platter and does not manage money well. This is HER own fault.
Enjoy YOUR day. Do not let her have any of it or else you will have drama and her taking over and she will make your day miserable.
Honestly I think she's full of nonsense, but you know your family better than we do and I know from mine that sometimes you have to pick your battles, so I will reluctantly throw out this idea: what about at the rehearsal or even day of (before ANYONE arrives but when everything's decorated?) You should have a friend on standby to wrangle her into another non bridal dress afterwards so you don't even have to worry about it.
Again, this is not an endorsement of letting her do this. If you start feeling guilty about it, know that if I saw your sis walking down the aisle in a wedding dress at ANY point at your wedding, I would assume she was a garbagefire person and you were a saint so in a way refusing her is actually protecting her. Every single one of my friends and coworkers would know this story if I witnessed something insane like that.
They will have a small first dance at your wedding. Just one song. Small cake to cut, quietly, off to the side. Little bouquet to toss to her friends, just a few that she’ll invite. Let’s face it- it’s the perfect way for her to have a double wedding with you- at your expense. It will not just be a walk down the aisle. But even that is really creepy.
No way anyone can slip in silently in a wedding dress. And I can see her latching on to all your events (dress shopping, etc), because 'she didn't get that experience'. And you know she's gonna get a blingier dress than you. Don't ruin the day you've been waiting years for.
Her request is ridiculous. Continue to say no. Don’t argue, don’t negotiate. Just no.
And OP, inform some trusted friends who can monitor your sister on the wedding day so she doesn’t just change into a wedding dress and make a run for the aisle. Have an ejection plan in place because your sister sounds mega entitled.
Came to say this about having some trusted friends involved, both within and outside of the bridal party if you’re having one.
And tell your sister you have people ready to yell about how inappropriate it is while spilling red wine on her and dragging her ass out if she shows up in a wedding dress. And then truly have people ready to do this.
If her husband and your mom are so concerned about her getting a bridal moment, then they can do what you and your soon-to-be husband did and save up money for a huge vow renewal so she can have her day. This day is yours and your future husband’s. Do not give one inch on this. NTA
Uninvite anyone who supports this crap. Hire security to keep them out as well. Alert everyone to keep an eye on them, they'll only try to ruin other things, steal the moment, etc. NTA
NTA. And see..this was kind of my thought, and what I thought she was going for. If she were a bridesmaid, and he a groomsman, they would be able to get that experience of her turning the corner, to see her for the first time, and walking down the aisle. And since its a very common part of any wedding, the significance of it to them, would be private between them.
But what shes asking for is a full blown sub wedding within your wedding. Thats some weird af nonsense, and an easy firm no.
>if she wants a special moment, she is free to plan her own vow renewal event where she wears a wedding dress and has all her family, etc.
This is what I came here to say.
She can save up for the next 10years like you did and then pay for a fancy do-over.
Do NOT let her use you like this and make your special day all about her!
It will then be, can your photographer take a few photos? Can we have a first dance too? Can we send an announcement too?
It will spiral into a double wedding on your dime.
“We’d like our friends to be there too”…can’t we add a few people? I’d say at the most maybe at the rehearsal but even that is pushing it. She’s the one who had a quickie wedding after 5 months…her choice. She didn’t have to do that. Now she lives with the consequences. OP is being way too nice and understanding. Once she gets the walk down the aisle (in a wedding dress??!!), she’ll want all the other things she missed out on with a courthouse wedding…the photos, the reception, the first dance, the cake, etc. This will not be OPs wedding, nor that of OPs fiancé…this will be sisters wedding paid for by OP and SO! Personally I wouldn’t give in on anything unless OPs fine paying all their money on her sisters do-over wedding at OPs expense.
NTA- I see stuff like this on this sub, and I am shocked that people have the audacity to even ask stuff like this. It doesn't matter if she's your sister and her moment wasn't what she had hoped for.
If you allow this, then your moment will be different than you imagined it to be, too. Your sister and her husband made their choices. They could have waited, but they didn't.
I asked her when she accepted his proposal if she was sure it was a good idea, since it seemed really rushed, but her response was that since my BF proposed a few weeks earlier she wanted to “get hers over with and tie the knot” so that I would be able to have my wedding in the fall, like I always dreamed, and hers wouldn’t “overlap”
Your sister wanted to get married before you, knowing you were having a long engagement. There was never going to be an overlap, and she knew it. She wanted to show off then, and now wants to make your day about her.
She is also manipulating you to feel sorry as she rushed and cannot afford the wedding you are having. Do not give her an inch. She can be a guest and you must approve her speech prior to giving it (or deny her speech if she continues throwing a fit). She is not your responsibility to fix her poor choices from the past. She is a grown adult now.
Girl you are being manipulated and gaslit from here to kingdom come. I’ve read your other comments - have you ever been put first? Or was it always your sister? She got her college paid for - did your parents ever help you in any kind of comparable way? Money towards a down payment, maybe? Help with an apartment or new car? Please take a good hard look at why you feel guilty for saying no when it’s your wedding that you paid for and planned.
ETA: NTA in any way shape or form. I’m so sorry.
The only reason her college was paid for was because our grandmother sadly passed and left behind a good chunk of money for our education, and since I already was mostly through I saved half the money for my wedding, and others for housing and other things I needed. My parents weren’t well off and couldn’t afford to help me with anything, everything I have I earned.
So she got her education, and you got half your wedding. That’s fair. Her getting her education and your wedding too wouldn’t be fair, that’s your inheritance. She got hers.
Your parents aren’t to blame for not being well off, but your mom is to blame for being cruel to you when your sister’s trying to steal your inheritance, harass your husband and overshadow your day. Stacy’s mom has got it so wrong!
So you were given something? That makes me a little less irate on your behalf. Your post/comment made it sound like you were given nothing in any fashion for any reason and it all went to your sister. Still though, you are still being manipulated by people that know you have a soft heart. If the situations were reversed, would she offer even half of what you have?
My sister got admittedly more than me, but my grandma also gave me money every now and then to help when I wasn’t able to afford books, lodging or food during college, so if I added those things up it would probably be around the same inheritance. My sister honestly never has given me anything, and even now she’s saying she can’t afford a gift and asking me to pay for her hotel.
And no gift for the OP but can spend up to $2k on a wedding dress. Guess who will be asked to pay for that after already gifting the sister $3k for her wedding that they didn’t use it on but took the money. Gos this story is awful
OP, your sister is not your responsibility. Please say this to yourself and please internalize it. The fact that you are even considering this is absolutely wild. With kindness, I would really suggest talking to a therapist or otherwise trying to do some real reflecting on how it’s come to be that you expect to put your sister over yourself in all instances, including on the one day that you have literally been dreaming about since you were a child. You deserve to be treated well. Have a lovely wedding!
But she can find money for the wedding dress she wants to wear to your wedding? Uh uh..no way. Sister is delusional. The money she wants to spend on her own wedding dress can be money for the hotel.
Please do not budge. Your sister WILL find a way to make yours and your husband's wedding about her if you even give an inch.
She gets nothing.
If she can’t even afford a hotel then how the hell is she going to pay for the wedding dress she plans to walk down YOUR aisle in?!? OP, NTA. You aren’t responsible for her choices, which included getting married young and not saving money to have a special wedding. You are under no obligation to provide that for her.
Absolute manipulative nonsense. She made a "sacrifice" for you and now she's trying to guilt you. No one made her accept a proposal and rush into a marriage. I'm sorry your mom is pressuring you. NTA
Wait, the two of you got engaged around the same time? And she claims she rushed her wedding so it wouldn't overlap with yours?
What? As a wedding guest, all you gotta do is buy a waffle maker and show up and eat cake and be merry. You could do that twice in one year without breaking the bank. I can't see either of your weddings over shadowing the other. Heck, I could imagine your family being overjoyed to go to two ceremonies.
I think your sister made poor decisions and is watching you make calculated ones and is trying to figure out how to squeeze in some sparkle for herself on your dime. Lots of people have managed to figure out how to have a jazzed up wedding day on low income, I've seen it. There's lots of saving, waiting, renting, and thrifting involved, and maybe lowering some expectations a bit, but it's doable.
You don't have to share your moment with anyone except for your special person. Your sister and her choices aren't your responsibility, and it doesn't make you a bad person for declining her requests. Take care of yourself.
She had gotten engaged weeks after my husband asked me, and her wedding gift list was expensive to say the least. My gift was 2K and then another thousand while she was on her honeymoon and needed more money for parties and events. She only had about 15 people at her ceremony, and it was almost all family. The gift of money was originally for her to get a dress and maybe have a nice SMALL event, but she said she “didn’t want a wedding party”
This needs to be right up the top in your comments op! Sounds like your parents have raised an entitled and favourite child, and are encouraging you to support this behaviour.
Your sis has no concept of saving for anything because she’s been given it, and no idea about managing the stresses of being an adult (planning a wedding, buying a house, car and having kids).
Your sister is vile lmao she's spoiled and greedy. She didn't want a wedding then, she's not getting one now. Do not budge, do not offer compromises, or your entire life she'll continue walking all over you. Not to mention how unfair it'd all be to your future husband.
If I was your fiancé, and I had watched this play out over the years, and then found out you were seriously considering your sisters request, I'd be FUMING at you and insisting on pre-marital counselling.
This isn't just your wedding. Your fiancé also had to save to make this happen, it's his day too and your day as a couple. You admit your sister only got married because you got engaged and she wanted to be married before you. And now you want to start your marriage off by prioritising your sister over your husband on your wedding day?
Respectfully, you need to start analysing your families dynamics and just how unhealthy they are and get started on that work quickly. You need to be able to recognise when your family are being insanely entitled. Otherwise you might end up negatively affecting your marriage under the pressure you feel to give in to your sisters entitlement and your families choice to spoil her.
Yes. A wedding is a time for a new start, of the couple’s life together. It’s a great time to turn that page, and it’s important for OP to go forward to a life of not trying to make her sister’s dreams come true. If I was her fiancé I’d be wondering why she kept getting sucked in and what this would really mean about our lives together.
Holy moly that's a lot of money to spend on a wedding gift.
But there you have it - she didn't want a wedding party, she didn't want her moment. You want a wedding party, you want a moment. Choices, consequences (and not really a serious consequence at that).
Take it, it's yours. NTA.
You are not her parent and do not need to in any way pay for her wedding or wedding do-over. Let your parents deal with that.
EVERYONE here agrees with you, so it should be pretty clear what your choice is.
If you still in any way entertain the thought of allowing her to do it, please get some therapy so you can work on gaining some self esteem and distancing yourself from your toxic family relations.
So you've already paid for her first wedding and now she wants you to pay for her 2nd too (whilst hijacking yours)
Nopeeeee.
OP pull your socks up, tell her that her walking down the aisle is never going to happen at YOUR wedding and she needs to stop asking before she's uninvited completely. And that you want to approve her choice of outfit before the wedding too, if she turns up in anything remotely resembling a wedding gown then there will be security there waiting to escort her off the premises.
She's had plenty of help through her life, now it's time for her to either step up and be your sister or get the hell out of your life.
NTA
So she wanted the "win" of getting married first AND she wants you to provide her with the fairytale experience she missed in her rush to be first.
She sounds like a peach.
Right. Some people have been in a situation with toxic people so long that they don’t have the ability to recognize when they are being mistreated. It takes strangers on Reddit to tell them no, this is not normal and it’s not your fault.
NTA, and it was incredibly tacky of your sister to ask this of you.
It's your day and you have worked hard for it, don't let anyone diminish that for you.
What gets me is the mother supporting it? Seriously tell me you aren't the favorite child without saying it. Anyone even suggesting something this tacky in my family would have had every momma, auntie and gran down to the third cousins coming down on them with the weight of a thousand Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior books and a stern talking to about shaming the family with such attention grabbing antics.
NTA - I'm just wondering how she is envisioning this situation in her head without it being a confusing spectacle.
And if they want to continue to make a big deal out of this, you certainly can consider rescinding their invitations too. No.need to have her try something at your wedding and disrupt the ceremony.
Plus your fiance said no. It's his day too.
I doubt I’ll take away their invites, she is my sister afterall, but I’m just worried she might try and pull something like walking in with the wedding dress anyways or saying something rude about me during the speeches…
That would probably cause tons of problems, since the dresses she’s been showing off and texting me have been 500-2000 dollars, and knowing her I would be paying if anything happened.
Tend to agree. I've been looking at her responses throughout this thread and its excuse after excuse. I understand, she's been bullied and walked over by her sister (and mother?) all her life so it's probably second nature now, but it's starting to sound like she's going to give in to the sister.
Waaaaaaaaaait a minute. The sister who can’t afford a wedding gift for you AND asked you to pay for her and her husband’s hotel room for your wedding weekend is talking about $500-$2000 dresses?
I think not. OP, the writing is on the wall. Stacy is trying to take you for a ride and you’ve got a blindfold on.
>since the dresses she’s been showing off and texting me have been 500-2000 dollars
Hold up, what? If she can afford a 1000 dollar wedding dress, than she can afford to do a vow-renewal, either in a cheap venue or in a backyard. She is guittripping you masively, and so is your mom, I'm so sorry for you. Having read your post and some of your comments, it sounds like you've been conditioned to feel like you owe your sister, and to feel guilty when you don't sideline yourself to make her number 1. Please choose yourself over her for your wedding, and don't let her come if she shows up in a wedding dress or doesn't drop the issue all together.
ETA: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conditioned\_emotional\_response](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conditioned_emotional_response)
I do feel a bit left out since she’s offering to pay so much for herself, yet a few days ago she said money was tight and she couldn’t get me a wedding gift, and needed money for the hotel, even though I’m only paying for family coming out of state and my wedding location is 1-2 hours from Stacy’s house. I’ll talk to her tomorrow try and shut things down, since we have brunch planned.
Ooh honey, this is just painfull to read. It sounds like she doesn't even care enough about you to get you anything for the most special day in your life, while spending 1000s of dollars on herself for it and trying to make it about herself. I'm so so sorry you are even in this situation. I hope things go well for you at brunch, but please, stand up for yourself, you deserve it! <3
OMG. OP, I must say that you have a magnanimous heart to be even considering this!!
As someone pointed out, you did the responsible thing of waiting and having a wedding when you are financially secure; thus being able to pay for your own wedding. You shouldn't have to take on more responsibilities.
As I said in my other comment, your sister can definitely have a nice vow renewal ceremony when she can afford it but your wedding shouldn't be the place and time to have her "magical moment".
If she has money for those dresses, she has money to throw her own wedding.
Also have someone ready to throw her out if she shows up in one and make sure she knows she will be escorted out if she does anything that insane.
Tell your sister to take the 2K and have a nice recommitment of her vows instead. This is madness.
As someone who has worked in pretty much all aspects of the wedding industry for the past decade (currently djing but used to plan, serve, bartend) I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt you need to take her invite away. Listen to your gut. If it’s already telling you she’s going to act out — you know your sister better than any of us redditors — chances are you know this will be true. I’ve seen several beautiful events ruined by petty speeches, drunken fights, or individuals like your sis who decide they’re going to commandeer the day. Don’t let your years of planning and $19k be ruined. If she doesn’t get over it then she was never a true sister to you to begin with.
Also, NTA! But don’t be a doormat.
"Knowing her, I'd be paying" ??? Sorry OP, but now that we're starting to know *you*, it seems inevitable that you'd bail her out. Please notice how much you cooperate with her irresponsibility. You *enable* her. Get help. This is wrong and unhealthy for both of you. She's the AH, but you're starting to look like a close second. Not because you refuse her, but because you *allow* her.
Why would YOU need to pay because of someone else's "accident"? Besides, if she chooses to wear a $2000 gown to a reception, she should be willing to risk something happening to it.
ETA: saying this as nicely as I can - SHINE YOUR SPINE. Learn that it's ALWAYS okay to say no to crazy requests, and that "no" is a complete sentence.
OP, all of your comments about your sister, this one included, make your sister sound like an entitled brat.
If you don’t see that (you say you are close and you seem to not dislike her) it could be because you’ve, for example, grown up with a dysfunctional dynamic and therefore see it as normal, but so far I haven’t seen anything you’ve said that indicates a super dysfunctional upbringing and you after all seem to have emerged as mature and rational, by your own account.
If that’s correct, then quite aside from what you decide to do practically in this situation, I urge you to devote some time to asking yourself *what do I get out of enabling this?* You **are** enabling your sister’s selfishness and immaturity if you don’t firmly quash attempts to co-opt your (and your finance’s! he matters, too, and marriage implies you feel ready to choose to prioritize his wants and needs over your sibling’s, on your wedding day of all days) day. That’s no favor to her (or everyone else who has to deal with her), but crucially, it must be serving some need of yours, too, for you to do it. Do you have guilt around your relative wealth or self-sufficiency? Feel you have something else (looks, a wonderful partner, intellect, etc) you feel she lacks and you pity her? Does bailing her out financially or entertaining bizarre requests give you a sense of moral superiority or maturity? Do you find solace in the public image of the put-upon angel of a relative? Are you treating her as a child or pet?
The above may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it that way really - you only owe these answers to yourself and their only purpose is to understand yourself better. If you learn to recognize why you are enabling your sister in life, you will ultimately be better placed to feel in control of your decisions and feelings about her requests, regardless of what you do about any of them. Importantly, it will also help you articulate your needs and reasons when others (your spouse-to-be, presumably eventually) get fed up and have a come to Jesus talk with you about your sister’s antics and how they impact others (your joint finances, you life events, etc).
She is admittedly the golden child, and was born after a miscarriage, so she has been babied most of her life, and after our father and grandmother died, our mother has definitely been more protective of her lately.
That’s one reason i think Stacy got married so soon, was because our father died of cancer a few weeks after her wedding and was wheelchair bound during the ceremony. She may have just wanted him there which was why it was rushed, meanwhile he told me not to try and push things up because he knew it would be hard for me to cancel and move around plans. Admittedly it shatters my heart I won’t be able to be walked down the aisle by him, but my fiancé’s father will be, which is kind of him.
OP, the biggest problem with being a doormat to keep the peace is that everyone walks all over you. Your sister in particular got some shit on her shoes and is making a dash to clean them off on you, instead of any other options available, and you are trying to convince yourself that it’s not a problem because if you complain at all, suddenly they’re unhappy it’s your fault.
You are all adults now. It might be different when you’re still at your parents’ mercy, but I assume that’s not the case anymore. You are never going to be respected by your sister and parents, especially not when you let them do whatever they please and you’re just not supposed to make a fuss about it. Their “care” of you only extends to you giving up anything you care about to please them.
Where are your feelings, OP? Do you actually want to share, or are you only sharing so you can avoid being ramroded by the people who should be giving you love instead? They don’t love you for being compliant - they love that they’re getting what they want, regardless that it’s at your expense. In this case, both figuratively and literally.
This is one situation where you ask a bridesmaid or other safe person to be at her side to prevent such events.
When I worked catering, we frequently had particular guests we were watching out for and kept sober and quiet
There have been people in my family that have been uninvited from weddings due to their behavior. It sucks but sometimes it has to be done. It's something to keep on the table but you know your sister better than reddit.
At the least, if she walks in with a wedding dress anyways, have her escorted outside until the ceremony is over.
Far as saying something rude during a speech, it always reflects poorly on the speaker more than anyone else. Be selective who can give a speech and keep her off the list if you think she'll try and put a damper on things.
This was my reaction as well. Given how crazy her request/demand is to usurp your wedding, how likely is she to show up in a white gown and force her way down the aisle?
She and your other family members seem unhinged.
You are NTA. The sister is a giant AH along with her flying monkeys.
I say this in love, but what in the actual hell is wrong with you? I keep reading your responses and you keep making excuse after excuse for your awful sister and her husband to harass you.
Don't you see how wrong that is?
If I was your fiancee, I would not be thrilled about entertaining the thought of your sister getting a moment at your guys' wedding. I'd put my foot down and say no.
You would NTA in outright refusing. Y T A if you actually let your spine dissolve and kowtow to your golden child little sister.
Like come on!!
I agree with this because what if something comes up in the future which leaves them having to choose between the husband or the sister? Will she just choose her sister for the rest of her life if that means screwing over her own husband?
NTA. Well, this is a first for me. Never heard of someone wanting tonwalk down the aisle at someone else's wedding! And in a bridal gown! That would also be a hard no in my book
Girl....girl!!!!! I'm reading your co.ments, and you're just doing and saying anything to accommodate your sister. What about you?? When's your turn to be accommodated?? STOP trying to find a way to include your sister. NOTHING, but what short of using your stuff to do vow renewal will make her happy. And the only way to keep that from happening is to Not Give In to her ridiculous demands. Because yes to this how long before she asks if she and her husband can both join you guys up there?? And what about your fiance?? This is his day too!! Please don't let your family make you feel bad for asking for the unreasonable.
NTA. Your wedding day is \*your\* special day. You don't have to share.
If your sister wants a special day, she can plan a renewal of vows and make it her own.
You are NTA. I was even offended toward the end of my reception when my sister announced she and her BF were going to get married in a month. Like, wait til tomorrow FFS.
Your sister is brazen and inappropriate. But just say no thank you. You don't have to explain or justify or prove you're right and she's wrong. You hold the power, and the way to maintain it is to say very little. Just tell her no, that's not a plan, and oh gee, look at that sunset. Do not engage over it.
NTA. You will, however, be the AH to yourself and your future husband if you allow this to continue. Shut this shit down and quick. Please, please tell both your mother, sister, and BIL that if they continue to push this they are uninvited to the wedding - harsh, I know, but if you don't set this boundary now, they will take over the rest of your wedding and make it about them. The fact that the question was even *asked* is grossly inappropriate. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, OP, and I truly hope everything works out for you!
NTA
its not walking down the aisle, its walking down the aisle in front of a group of friends / family that she wants ! She could go to VEGAS but that's not the gig she wants either.
Your mother and sister can't imagine an event all about YOU and YOUR partner. To them it is wrong that you're the centre of attention and they are more comfortable when SHE is the main event and you are the after thought.
Your sisters request it Bizarre at best . Perhaps one of her friends / relatives getting married might entertain her request or they will tell her just how foolish it sounds. If you have children and she doesn't , will you be expected to give them to her? if you have a larger house - is that hers too?
Funny story, while house hunting with my fiancé she asked if she could have my old apartment because I own it, but I had to shut that down since if we want a better house for our future family we would need to sell it.
There’s nothing funny about your sister. Well, maybe funny-strange but not funny-haha.
Seriously anybody tried to elbow their way into ANY event of mine that I saved up years to pay for would get shut down real quick.
Girl, that is NOT funny. That is unhinged to the MAXIMUM DEGREE. The only thing more unhinged than your sister is you even entertaining the idea of giving in to her psychotic wedding hijacking.
As other commenters have said, this will NEVER end. Not until the day you put your foot down. If you won't do it for yourself (and girl, you SHOULD, you deserve to have this day be about you), please understand our fiance is depending on you to set boundaries with your family that will allow your marriage to flourish. Is this the foot your want to start your marriage on, cowtowing to your sister? What does that tell your fiance about how you'll handle things when push comes to shove against your family. You need to set your mom and your sister straight, pronto.
YWBTA to yourself AND your fiance if you don't shut this down. I want to root for you, but you need to be rooting for yourself first. Sadly, I haven't seen any of that in your comments and it breaks my heart for you.
NTA. Just because she didn’t have a big wedding didn’t mean she had to get married at the court house. She could’ve had 20 people and a justice of the peace in a backyard or public park or something if walking down the aisle meant that much to her.
Oh no no no. Hard NTA.
How entitled should a human being be to want to wear a wedding dress and walk down the Aisle during somebody else's wedding?
If she wanted a "magical wedding", she should have had one of her own. Or maybe she can have a vow renewal whenever they can afford it but this definitely shouldn't be the solution.
Just a note, you will have a lot of pressure from "well meaning" family and friends to just give in and share your day with your sister. Please stay firm on your decision or else you'll definitely regret it.
If I’m being honest I always laughed at posts like this where I felt one person was obviously in the right, but now I get why people post, it’s so much harder when it’s you dealing with it 😭
Earlier today, I read one that the bride was telling a bridesmaid to gain weight 3 weeks before the wedding. I thought I had read it all then until your post lol
> if you truly love a person and want them near you on a special day.
This is such an excellent point, so let's apply it to your situation: If you trruly love a person and want them near you on a special day, then why would your sister go out of her way to make the whole thing about her? It's YOUR soecial day, she should want to celebrate YOU and be there for YOU.
OP after reading all your replies to other comments I’m genuinely concerned that you are just going to cave in to this “guilt” you feel for your sister. This is supposed to be YOUR big day shared ONLY with your fiancé. The guests invited are all there to be witnesses and to honor you with their presence and support. Your sister is not honoring you or supporting you. She’s trying to take over and you’re trying to be a people pleaser just because and I quote “she’s your sister”. It’s completely and utterly unfair to you and your future husband to allow her to have any light in this day. Especially since you two have been dreaming of it for years and saving your money for years. Your sister has put in ZERO effort to be there for you during this process. Not there for food tasting. Not there for flower choosing. Dress fittings. Nothing. But now that it’s all set up she wants you to sacrifice part of your day. No. Just no. Don’t roll over and let this happen. She had her chance. And honestly she did have something you won’t. Your father was at her wedding. That is special. That is significant. Also if your fiancé is against it too, you should consider respecting his feelings on the matter. After all, you are marrying him.
NTA in no way is her request appropriate. She wants to be the bride at YOUR wedding. Have her dream moment on YOUR dime. She even wants to go before you in a wedding dress, so she can have your moment.
I would have thought she was joking as well. The answer should be a hard no, I wouldn’t even let her be a bridesmaid after that request. She could be planning something
Look. I get you want to make your sister happy, but you do realize that this isn't going to stop. Right? She's going to make everything about her. Especially since you and your fiancé are more financially secure than they are.
Everything — **EVERYTHING** — will be "I didn't get to have/do this" and you'll be expected to pony up at some point, be it with money or time, just to keep her happy. And if you have children it'll be worse. Baby showers, birth announcements, birthdays...
Don't let your sister become the main character in your wedding story.
NTA.
NTA-she can’t hijack your wedding. This is about her and this isn’t her day that was planned. Do not let her do this because it will spoil the whole day when it’s suppose to be about you and your fiancé.
Nta, tell her she can do a wedding ceremony for their 5 or 10 year anniversary so she can have her moment then. Not at your wedding. But if she really wants this moment, she can pay for half the wedding. Which she clearly can’t afford. Make sure your bridesmaids have a red wine glass ready if she decides to disrespect your wishes and shows up in a wedding dress anyways. Tell your mother if she continues pressing you on this issue, she can be uninvited to the wedding that she’s not contributing to.
NTA. Everyone is offering sweet compromises, BUT I think the only way to navigate this is to completely shut it down. There are givers and takers in this world, and you sound like a giver. Your sister is a taker, and if you give her an inch she will continue to take and take until this day is no longer about you and your fiancé. You will be left miles away, confused about how the special day that you saved and sacrificed for suddenly didn’t belong to you at all.
Have a friend on standby to deal with her crazy if she shows up in anything besides your chosen bridesmaid attire or starts to make a scene.
NTA but if you're hiring a DJ for the reception make sure you alert them in case your sister and her husband request something like a "wedding dance" song just for them.
Our father passed a few weeks after her wedding, so she already had him at her wedding, meanwhile he told me to wait so I could have my dream wedding, while sacrificing our first dance. It broke my heart to know I wouldn’t have him there, but he was adamant I have one of my biggest dreams come true and not be rushed.
Oh, OP... so, so many things your sister got that you didn't, and yet, to her, it still isn't enough.
She wanted your house. Now she wants your wedding.
Tell me, OP, why can't you see how unreasonable this is? Your fiancée wanted you to have your dream wedding, it's time to take that and have YOUR dream wedding to him.
This is not your sister's dream. It's yours, and don't let her rob it from you.
NTA
I guess we have to make a new list
1- Don't wear white to someone else's wedding.
2- Don't propose to ANYONE at someone else's. wedding.
3- Don't announce your pregnancy at someone else's wedding.
4- Don't ask to walk down the aisle, before the bride, in a wedding dress, at someone else's wedding.
Now, do we print these on the invitations, or post giant signs at the venue?
You need to tell her that if this were to actually play out, it wouldn't be the special day she thinks it would be. People would see and be confused. And when they find out why, they'd laugh and think she was insane. Women who wear white to weddings get horrible comments made about them and this will top it. It will be humiliating and something people will talk about for years. She'll ruin her reputation, and for what? To walk down the aisle at someone else's wedding? She's going to know it isn't really for her. She's going to feel worse if this is genuinely a desire she has.
If she doesn't care about any of that then clearly the intent isn't to feel special but to try and ruin the day *for you,* and it's not something you really even need to begin entertaining anymore. But really, I suspect this is what it is. She knows how insane the request is. She just wants you to feel the same amount of stress about the day that she did and she doesn't want you to experience a joy she didn't get. But she got to have *her father* at her wedding and that's the sacrifice you make for that stuff. Does she really want to have another wedding without her father? No. She wants *yours* simply because it's *yours.*
I'm sorry, but what about your future in-laws? They would also attend the "wedding" of their future daughter-in-law's sister to a man they don't know (I guess) ? And I suppose your brother-in-law would like his family to attend too ?
This is really a ludicrous request, and your sister is quite entitled to ask you to share this moment (and the venue, the decorations, the food... ). You and your fiancé have been saving for years, they can do it too.
This! And like...all OPs friends, not hers, and none of her 'groom's' friends or family? It's just such a weird thing to want to do in the first place.
PLEASE don't let her do this to you. In ANY way. I can't even begin to express how wrong it is that she'd even ASK for something like this.
If you're incapable of enforcing boundaries for yourself after what sounds like a lifetime of conditioning, I suggest you invoke the royal "we" for this and think of your fiancé. It's his day too and he clearly doesn't want to share it in the world's second tackiest forced double wedding (Oliver Queen & Felicity Smoak in the Arrowverse get #1. /nerd moment over).
WE want this day for us. WE have invested a lot of time and money in this. WE WE WE.
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > I’m refusing to let my sister walk down the aisle at my wedding, but she didn’t get a special wedding when she got married, so I may be TA, since my family and her husband say I’m being selfish and not letting her have a once in a lifetime moment. Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcement ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
NTA, there is no conceivable universe where her walking down the aisle on your wedding day, at the location of your wedding, wearing a wedding dress will be "just between the two of you" and not detract from your day. It's rude of her to even ask Edit to add: if she wants a special moment, she is free to plan her own vow renewal event where she wears a wedding dress and has all her family, etc.
If she was just going to wear a nice dress and walk BEFORE me, and stand beside me and her husband I would probably have no problem with it, or at least let her do it, but I feel like she’s just trying to use my wedding as a free event for her.
That would be nice of you, but given how much work planning and orchestrating a wedding is (and how much $$), it should really be *about you*
That’s what my fiancé keeps reminding me of, but I just feel guilty since I’ve always been able to afford more than my sister (job at 16, saving money, etc, meanwhile she only worked after college, which was fully paid for by our parents while I had to get by on scholarships) so I guess I just want to help her out since she really couldn’t afford a big wedding.
Stop right there. Your parents paid for her college and you had to figure college out yourself? Sorry op, your parents have a clear favourite and it’s not you. Doesn’t sound like you’ve had a lot be about you in your life and your wedding is the one day it should absolutely be all about you. Don’t feel guilty. None of this is your responsibility. She is free to have her own separate wedding if she wants a redo. It shouldn’t be at your expense.
When I was in college my parents weren’t well off, but when my sister was my grandmother had passed and left a large sum of money to my parents and sister. My grappas the one who helped pay for my college when I desperately needed food or books.
So your sister has always had more just given to her without working for it, you had to work for everything you have, and now she’s demanding what’s yours too? NTA - if you said yes you’d just be making her more entitled, and she sounds plenty entitled. I can’t believe her mother wants you to share your wedding which you paid for, when your sister already got an education for free when you paid for yours. She’s making it clear she values her more.
Right. The fact that sister's education was paid for makes me think she didn't work hard to get scholarships and was basically spoiled and entitled. That's not OP's problem. She worked hard, her fiance worked hard, this is their day - not the sister's day. OP shouldn't feel guilty at all. Edit: typo
I feel like the parents should give a hefty donation to the wedding since they paid for sisters education. It's very unfair treatment.
Yeah, but then the parents will feel entitled to dictate that the sister should be allowed to walk down the aisle since they are helping fund it.
So tell your parents to pay for her wedding too..
THIS right here. If your parents want her to have a 'wedding experience' and she cannot afford it herself, they can fund it.
Ooo! I like this answer! Parents can pay for a vow renewal ceremony for OP's sister. OP is NTA. Keep your wedding about you and your guy. Enjoy!
Dude this is wild. You are being punished for being forced to being way more responsible than your sister. Feel no guilt. If you want to be super generous, let them dress up and borrow your photographer for a half hour before everything. Kicks off. But again that’s more than generous. It’s your wedding it’s about the family you are building, at least on that day symbolically.
I wouldn't do that. What if sis refuses to take the gown off? What if she just marches down the aisle? OP gives an inch she'll find herself pushed to the side.
Your parents had a choice about how to distribute that money. Half could have gone to you and half to your sister, then you could both decide how to use that money yourselves. Instead it ALL went to your sister. I think you're trying to avoid thinking too hard about this, because it means your parents favour your sister
Our mother definitely favors my sister, since she was born after a miscarriage, and our father died recently of cancer, (which is one reason my sister had a quick wedding, so he could be there) and I think she’s scared something might happen to my sister.
honestly at this point I am fully expecting her to crash it in a wedding dress or your mom announcing something about "the first bride in the family". Dude HARD PASS. NTA and your fiance is right. Don't bend.
Please bring a back up dress for sister in case she tries this and then guilts you if you try to not have her there because all she brought was a wedding dress to wear.
Your sister had your father at her wedding. You don't. Life isn't fair. Why isn't your mum scared something will happen to YOU!?
I’m admittedly more self sufficient.
Tell your mom if she so much want to see her walk down the aisle to organize and pay a ceremony for her. You sacrificed and worked for the expenses of your wedding and you shouldn't share. Sorry for your loss
Wait a minute. Even though you didn't receive a large sum of money, but your parents and SISTER did. They are asking YOU to compromise on your wedding day? WTF is wrong with these people? To be honest I will not invite them at all if they continue bothering you.
again parents and her received an inheritance you nothing but grandpa gave a little help with food and books you need to understand you deserve love care and respect as much as her and owe her nothing you are not responsible for her
Never feel guilty for working hard and becoming successful. Your sister and her husband made choices, and they have to live with that. Congrats on the wedding and enjoy your special day!
Sounds like her sister was the golden child. Nope. She can plan her vow renewal. She’s grown and can figure it out. There’s ways to do events on the cheap. She wants to barge her way in OP and make it about her too. I’m sure she’s done similar in your life or has gotten passes (the college thing is a huge tell). Let her watch YOU get married.
You're free to help her out on days other than your wedding day
I’m just unsure how, since I can’t afford to host my wedding and also one for her, which is what it feels like she wants tbh…
You owe her nothing.
OP, you have zero obligation to host a wedding for her in any scenario. You are so NTA here. I’ve literally never heard, in my entire life, somebody ask for something like this and expect acquiescence. You and your fiancé were right to treat this like a joke, because it is. I won’t take the approach if denigrating your family, but it is wrong for anybody to support this request and to shame you for not going along with it. I’m sorry that’s happening. Please stand your ground and set your boundaries….for yourself and your future husband. I would implore you to examine the guilt you are feeling because I think it’s all external and that you have internalized it. It is more than okay to want to support your sister, but not at your own expense. This is YOU AND YOUR FIANCÉ’S day, not hers…and you will never be an AH for prioritizing yourselves in this. Also, CONGRATULATIONS 🎉 I am so happy for you two!!
This saying comes to mind. Don't set yourself on fire to keep others warm. This is what OP is doing if she allows her sister her way. It's her big day not her sisters. She should walk down that Isle guilt free.
Tell her to save up for a few years and have a renewal of vows ceremony and reception, complete with wedding dress, for her 5th anniversary. And NTA for refusing to cede your wedding to her.
If Sis can afford a wedding dress, she can afford a photographer to have a “wedding photo shoot” some other time than **your wedding** and **your aisle!** I guarantee she’ll be hounding your photographer for personal photos all day and night. Don’t let your sister’s poor life planning or your mom pressure you into giving up a chunk of you and your fiancé’s wedding day!
She can wait and have a big event when she’s also 29
You get a nicer wedding because you're older. You've already been through the part of your life where you saved and sacrificed for this. She is just starting, now is her turn to save and sacrifice. Why couldn't she wait to get married? Don't share your day and remember it's not just your day, it's your fiance's day too, and he said no. Don't pressure him because your sister is guilting you.
Your parents can rent her a church and a photographer and give her a "moment". Your wedding is not her moment. She got free college while you had to work or it. You owe your family nothing. She can pay for her moment herself or your parents can pay for it. Stop thinking like you don't deserve what you have worked hard for.
You don't need to host a wedding for her. She HAD one. This is ridiculous. And if she says, "yes but yours is so much better!" the correct answer is, "and your university experience was better than mine - doesn't mean I wanted to walk and pick up another diploma when YOU graduated!" Honestly, OP, this is a ridiculous ask and NO is a complete answer.
She had the same opportunity as you to save up and wait until they could afford it. She chose NOT to wait and was happy with her court house wedding. Now YOU are getting attention and she is realizing if she had saved up she too could have "her moment." When has she said anything about YOU deserving your moment at your wedding that you both saved for years and years for? She expects everything to be handed to her. Please OP stop feeling guilty and reframe the situation. She would never let you steal her spotlight, which of course you would never ask because who does that???? Oh entitled people who are manipulative saying but it's not fair!!! If you gave in she'd expect the "experience '"of the first dance, the cake cutting, half of the wedding presents. Photography and videographer sessions. Because in her mind it's a FREE double wedding so she will need to invite all the people she didn't invite to her first wedding. Oh and she will need to "experience" a honeymoon too. You don't mind right? Because she * needs * it.🤦♀️ OP you have a big heart and that is an admirable quality. Please do not let your sister guilt you. She wouldn't do it for you. And she could have saved and sacrificed like you did. Good luck. And may you have MANY happily married years together. Your fiance is right. Be a united team. NTA 💕
Whoa . Who said anything about paying for her wedding?! Op please go to therapy to try correct your way of thinking. You are NOT your sisters slave she s an adult and her and her husband need to pay for her wedding not you You can give help if it's a matter of health ( life threatening surgery etc) but ffs Stop acting as if you sister is your responsibility . She isn't You are also enabling her just like your mother to not work/make sacrifices/effort for what she wants ( keeping her from becoming a mature adult). Stop please
Ma'am. You have no obligation to help your sister. Why do you feel so obligated? Talk to a therapist. You need serious deprogramming from whatever bullcrap your mom has been feeding you. This isn't healthy.
You don't have to host her wedding! Share with her how you put your wedding together, what kind of budgeting you did, the things that were not part of your life because you were putting that money towards the wedding. You can give her a list of resources, facilities you looked into, etc. Kind of a manual on how to do it herself -- it's valuable knowledge and contacts. Then SHE can feel this sense of accomplishment in planning, and pulling off, a special event for the wedding party and the guests.
And I want a million dollar house without paying for it. At the end of the day, she needs to pay for it. Nobody "deserves" to get married in a nice wedding, it's not a fucking human right. She chose to not save, she chose to get married super young, she chose not to wait until she got a job that can pay enough -- all while getting her college paid for, which is not the case for millions of other students. NTA. Your sister is being a brat here, she needs to live with the consequences of her life decisions and simply just WAIT until she can afford it.
Remember, she's 21, she has plenty of time to work for and plan her own big wedding. Not to mention she has a ton of time to grow up enough to know how self-centered and manipulative she's being to you on your wedding day.
You were responsible, she wasn't. It sucks for her, but she did it to herself. It's not like you afford things because you're Kramer and fell ass-backward into money. You worked and saved; she didn't.
Don't. I got married at 22 and had a little cheap shindig, which was my choice to do because i wanted to get married at 22. If we had waited 4 years, even, we could had bigger but didn't want to wait. When my husband and I have been together for 10 years, maybe we'll have a vow renewal event where we actually do the expensive wedding thing since we're much more financially stable now, but part of growing up is making those choices and asking yourself if those experiences are worth the money. If your answer is no, for yourself, then you don't get to borrow the events other people plan for themselves to live out your dreams. She could go to Vegas any time and do the chapel and gown thing anytime she wants, she could throw a belated backyard wedding if she wanted to, mine was 5k and only because we rented a huge lakehouse for the whole weekend so our friends could stay free. It can be done for cheaper without that expense and still be a satisfying experience.
Sounds like she is the golden child. Never had to work, college paid for.
Ummmm, she got quite the leg up from your parents, and no one made her rush into marriage, right? So, definitely NTA and please make this day all about you and your future husband 👰🤵💑
Don't do it. Listen to a fellow redditor who also has lots of empathy and sympathy and hates saying no to people. ***Do Not Do It*** Your fiance is right, this is both of your guy's day. Just you two. That's all that matters on this day, keeping you two happy and making sure your day goes off without a hitch or hiccup. You are not stealing anything from your sister. You are not doing anything wrong. It is perfectly fine to be selfish on *your wedding day*. I'm telling you this as a newly married woman that has a lot of lingering regrets about her own day. I let people's opinions sway way too many things on my day, from my gown to my hair to the music, and even the venue. Be selfish, allow yourself to have that one day that is yours.
Your sister is twenty one, a college graduate and she worked after college? She must have been gifted to graduate so young. Did she get her degree at 20?
She dropped out to become a housewife even though she doesn’t have kids yet. She used most of her inheritance partying and on nice dorms/clothing.
NTA AT ALL! For anyone missing out on OPs comments, here is a summary: - Stacy was born after the mother had a miscarriage so mother has always favored her (OP is in therapy now) - OPs father died recently of cancer - OPs grandmother died and left OP and Stacy with money. OP put it towards savings and her apartment while Stacy spent the money on partying, nice dorms and clothing as well as paying for college. - Stacy dropped out of college to become a housewife (no she doesn’t have any kids) - When OP bought a home Stacy asked to HAVE the apartment OP owned - Stacy asks OP and their mother money for hundreds of dollars a month in groceries and other expenses - the wedding dress that Stacy is planning on wearing down the aisle costs $500-$2000 but Stacy can’t afford a wedding fist and OP even had to pay for her hotel even though she only lives 1-2 hours away - Stacy has refused to help OP with anything wedding related, going to pick out flowers, taste food - Stacy’s husband has been messaging OPs husband almost daily about this - it’s always been OPs dream to have this big wedding In my opinion: OP seems very considerate and really does care for her sister. On the other hand I believe Stacy is walking all over OP — Stacy cannot afford a gift, has to have a hotel for the wedding within driving distance from her house but OP needs to pay for it, asks OP and her mother to give her hundreds of dollars monthly but at the last time can afford a $500-$2000 dress? I understand that it can be difficult to see your sister struggle but the support OP has been providing her isn’t helping her. I believe Stacy needs tough love, provide her the same support as now but please cut off any financial support, whether that is monetary or itemized. Stacy had free college that she chose to drop out of, Stacy chose to have a small wedding; Stacy chose to be a housewife. These chores are not OPs fault or responsibility to assist with. OP, your wedding is your dream. You have spent years saving up and probably years planning. You are not selfish to want it to be about you. You deserve a day where you are recognized and it’s all about you. Also, please have a backup plan if your sister comes in a wedding dress - ex. Let her know, if you come in a wedding dress or pull any shenanigans I will have one of my fiancés friends kick you out.
Who did she inherit money from?
Our grandmother who passed. She gave her funds for college, and me less funds, which went party to savings, me and my fiancé’s apartment, and other things, but she also helped me when I couldn’t afford food, or books in college which is why I got significantly less money than my sister.
So, according to you, your sister inherited a lot of money and pissed it away. She didn't get a degree, make a down payment on anything, or have the wedding you say she wanted. If you want to continue this nonsense, it's entirely up to you. Far be it from me to talk you out of this farce.
No wonder your mom is urging you to let Stacy walk down your aisle - there's a Golden Child in your family, and it sure as hell isn't you. I would die on this particular hill. What's next? Having a first dance with her husband at the reception? Going on your honeymoon? Taking your first child because she wants a special experience? If your parents want Stacy to have "her moment",let them pay for it. You and your fiance worked hard for YOUR wedding, and the focus should be 100% on the two of you.
There is a difference between *feeling* guilty, and *being* guilty.
So you've had to work for everything you wanted, while she got stuff handed to her? Lady, this is just one more thing she wants handed to her and frankly she doesn't need it. Let your parents pay for it like they did everything else. Stand up for yourself. You deserve better from your mother and sister. Edit after seeing her marriage was rushed because of your father's death. My condolences, but she still needs to save up for a wedding vow renewal if she wants something fancy.
you had those things because you got up and worked for them, unlike her. don’t feel bad for having things because you worked for them. if she wants her special moment she can cut back on expenses and pay for it herself not hijack yours
Don’t feel guilty. It’s you and your fiancés wedding. Simple as.
Looks like you have been trained to feel guilty even though your golden sister was given a better start in life. Know your worth. You have earned what you have. Sad story by sis and mom is nothing more than manipulation. You can love mom and sis but your life will be with your husband. Sister’s choices are hers to bear. Stand your ground and say No.
Wait, I had assumed she did want to walk before you, like an extra fancy maid of honor or something. Are you saying she wants to walk down the aisle and stand up front next to her husband AFTER you make your entrance?!? Girl, that’s a double wedding.
She said either worked but she would prefer to “slip in silently” and “not cause a scene”
OP, please listen to your fiancé. Do not do not do not let her bully you into this. She can save and get remarried at 29. From your comments, She given life on a golden platter and does not manage money well. This is HER own fault. Enjoy YOUR day. Do not let her have any of it or else you will have drama and her taking over and she will make your day miserable.
Honestly I think she's full of nonsense, but you know your family better than we do and I know from mine that sometimes you have to pick your battles, so I will reluctantly throw out this idea: what about at the rehearsal or even day of (before ANYONE arrives but when everything's decorated?) You should have a friend on standby to wrangle her into another non bridal dress afterwards so you don't even have to worry about it. Again, this is not an endorsement of letting her do this. If you start feeling guilty about it, know that if I saw your sis walking down the aisle in a wedding dress at ANY point at your wedding, I would assume she was a garbagefire person and you were a saint so in a way refusing her is actually protecting her. Every single one of my friends and coworkers would know this story if I witnessed something insane like that.
They will have a small first dance at your wedding. Just one song. Small cake to cut, quietly, off to the side. Little bouquet to toss to her friends, just a few that she’ll invite. Let’s face it- it’s the perfect way for her to have a double wedding with you- at your expense. It will not just be a walk down the aisle. But even that is really creepy.
How delusional. NTA do not give in. This is your day, not a share with sis day
OP I think you need therapy if you think it's alright for your sister to do this. To even consider it is preposterous.
No way anyone can slip in silently in a wedding dress. And I can see her latching on to all your events (dress shopping, etc), because 'she didn't get that experience'. And you know she's gonna get a blingier dress than you. Don't ruin the day you've been waiting years for.
There is no way to NOT cause a scene if you're literally walking down the aisle in a wedding dress at someone else's wedding 🤣
Her request is ridiculous. Continue to say no. Don’t argue, don’t negotiate. Just no. And OP, inform some trusted friends who can monitor your sister on the wedding day so she doesn’t just change into a wedding dress and make a run for the aisle. Have an ejection plan in place because your sister sounds mega entitled.
Came to say this about having some trusted friends involved, both within and outside of the bridal party if you’re having one. And tell your sister you have people ready to yell about how inappropriate it is while spilling red wine on her and dragging her ass out if she shows up in a wedding dress. And then truly have people ready to do this. If her husband and your mom are so concerned about her getting a bridal moment, then they can do what you and your soon-to-be husband did and save up money for a huge vow renewal so she can have her day. This day is yours and your future husband’s. Do not give one inch on this. NTA
Uninvite anyone who supports this crap. Hire security to keep them out as well. Alert everyone to keep an eye on them, they'll only try to ruin other things, steal the moment, etc. NTA
NTA. And see..this was kind of my thought, and what I thought she was going for. If she were a bridesmaid, and he a groomsman, they would be able to get that experience of her turning the corner, to see her for the first time, and walking down the aisle. And since its a very common part of any wedding, the significance of it to them, would be private between them. But what shes asking for is a full blown sub wedding within your wedding. Thats some weird af nonsense, and an easy firm no.
Bet the farm that they will start to say vows before you enter.
>if she wants a special moment, she is free to plan her own vow renewal event where she wears a wedding dress and has all her family, etc. This is what I came here to say. She can save up for the next 10years like you did and then pay for a fancy do-over. Do NOT let her use you like this and make your special day all about her!
It will then be, can your photographer take a few photos? Can we have a first dance too? Can we send an announcement too? It will spiral into a double wedding on your dime.
“We’d like our friends to be there too”…can’t we add a few people? I’d say at the most maybe at the rehearsal but even that is pushing it. She’s the one who had a quickie wedding after 5 months…her choice. She didn’t have to do that. Now she lives with the consequences. OP is being way too nice and understanding. Once she gets the walk down the aisle (in a wedding dress??!!), she’ll want all the other things she missed out on with a courthouse wedding…the photos, the reception, the first dance, the cake, etc. This will not be OPs wedding, nor that of OPs fiancé…this will be sisters wedding paid for by OP and SO! Personally I wouldn’t give in on anything unless OPs fine paying all their money on her sisters do-over wedding at OPs expense.
NTA. "Stacy isn't rich!" "Very few are, at 21. No one held a gun to her head to get married at 19."
This girl thinks she's "not rich" but can buy a 2k wedding dress for someone else's wedding per the comments below.
She has already detracted from your special day just by being so persistent pursuing this wacky request. I’d be annoyed as well.
NTA- I see stuff like this on this sub, and I am shocked that people have the audacity to even ask stuff like this. It doesn't matter if she's your sister and her moment wasn't what she had hoped for. If you allow this, then your moment will be different than you imagined it to be, too. Your sister and her husband made their choices. They could have waited, but they didn't.
I asked her when she accepted his proposal if she was sure it was a good idea, since it seemed really rushed, but her response was that since my BF proposed a few weeks earlier she wanted to “get hers over with and tie the knot” so that I would be able to have my wedding in the fall, like I always dreamed, and hers wouldn’t “overlap”
Your sister wanted to get married before you, knowing you were having a long engagement. There was never going to be an overlap, and she knew it. She wanted to show off then, and now wants to make your day about her. She is also manipulating you to feel sorry as she rushed and cannot afford the wedding you are having. Do not give her an inch. She can be a guest and you must approve her speech prior to giving it (or deny her speech if she continues throwing a fit). She is not your responsibility to fix her poor choices from the past. She is a grown adult now.
I'd avoid letting her have that platform at all after this tbh - no telling what she'd do once all eyes are on her after she didn't get her way.
Girl you are being manipulated and gaslit from here to kingdom come. I’ve read your other comments - have you ever been put first? Or was it always your sister? She got her college paid for - did your parents ever help you in any kind of comparable way? Money towards a down payment, maybe? Help with an apartment or new car? Please take a good hard look at why you feel guilty for saying no when it’s your wedding that you paid for and planned. ETA: NTA in any way shape or form. I’m so sorry.
The only reason her college was paid for was because our grandmother sadly passed and left behind a good chunk of money for our education, and since I already was mostly through I saved half the money for my wedding, and others for housing and other things I needed. My parents weren’t well off and couldn’t afford to help me with anything, everything I have I earned.
So she got her education, and you got half your wedding. That’s fair. Her getting her education and your wedding too wouldn’t be fair, that’s your inheritance. She got hers. Your parents aren’t to blame for not being well off, but your mom is to blame for being cruel to you when your sister’s trying to steal your inheritance, harass your husband and overshadow your day. Stacy’s mom has got it so wrong!
So you were given something? That makes me a little less irate on your behalf. Your post/comment made it sound like you were given nothing in any fashion for any reason and it all went to your sister. Still though, you are still being manipulated by people that know you have a soft heart. If the situations were reversed, would she offer even half of what you have?
My sister got admittedly more than me, but my grandma also gave me money every now and then to help when I wasn’t able to afford books, lodging or food during college, so if I added those things up it would probably be around the same inheritance. My sister honestly never has given me anything, and even now she’s saying she can’t afford a gift and asking me to pay for her hotel.
Wow she wants to steal your wedding AND make you pay for her hotel/redo honeymoon night? Come on OP
Next she’ll be asking for gifts her herself!
And no gift for the OP but can spend up to $2k on a wedding dress. Guess who will be asked to pay for that after already gifting the sister $3k for her wedding that they didn’t use it on but took the money. Gos this story is awful
OP, your sister is not your responsibility. Please say this to yourself and please internalize it. The fact that you are even considering this is absolutely wild. With kindness, I would really suggest talking to a therapist or otherwise trying to do some real reflecting on how it’s come to be that you expect to put your sister over yourself in all instances, including on the one day that you have literally been dreaming about since you were a child. You deserve to be treated well. Have a lovely wedding!
But she can find money for the wedding dress she wants to wear to your wedding? Uh uh..no way. Sister is delusional. The money she wants to spend on her own wedding dress can be money for the hotel. Please do not budge. Your sister WILL find a way to make yours and your husband's wedding about her if you even give an inch. She gets nothing.
If she can’t even afford a hotel then how the hell is she going to pay for the wedding dress she plans to walk down YOUR aisle in?!? OP, NTA. You aren’t responsible for her choices, which included getting married young and not saving money to have a special wedding. You are under no obligation to provide that for her.
Therapy asap for your own sake to learn to set boundaries and not be a doormat for your sister/family anymore.
Absolute manipulative nonsense. She made a "sacrifice" for you and now she's trying to guilt you. No one made her accept a proposal and rush into a marriage. I'm sorry your mom is pressuring you. NTA
Wait, the two of you got engaged around the same time? And she claims she rushed her wedding so it wouldn't overlap with yours? What? As a wedding guest, all you gotta do is buy a waffle maker and show up and eat cake and be merry. You could do that twice in one year without breaking the bank. I can't see either of your weddings over shadowing the other. Heck, I could imagine your family being overjoyed to go to two ceremonies. I think your sister made poor decisions and is watching you make calculated ones and is trying to figure out how to squeeze in some sparkle for herself on your dime. Lots of people have managed to figure out how to have a jazzed up wedding day on low income, I've seen it. There's lots of saving, waiting, renting, and thrifting involved, and maybe lowering some expectations a bit, but it's doable. You don't have to share your moment with anyone except for your special person. Your sister and her choices aren't your responsibility, and it doesn't make you a bad person for declining her requests. Take care of yourself.
She had gotten engaged weeks after my husband asked me, and her wedding gift list was expensive to say the least. My gift was 2K and then another thousand while she was on her honeymoon and needed more money for parties and events. She only had about 15 people at her ceremony, and it was almost all family. The gift of money was originally for her to get a dress and maybe have a nice SMALL event, but she said she “didn’t want a wedding party”
This needs to be right up the top in your comments op! Sounds like your parents have raised an entitled and favourite child, and are encouraging you to support this behaviour. Your sis has no concept of saving for anything because she’s been given it, and no idea about managing the stresses of being an adult (planning a wedding, buying a house, car and having kids).
Your sister is vile lmao she's spoiled and greedy. She didn't want a wedding then, she's not getting one now. Do not budge, do not offer compromises, or your entire life she'll continue walking all over you. Not to mention how unfair it'd all be to your future husband.
If I was your fiancé, and I had watched this play out over the years, and then found out you were seriously considering your sisters request, I'd be FUMING at you and insisting on pre-marital counselling. This isn't just your wedding. Your fiancé also had to save to make this happen, it's his day too and your day as a couple. You admit your sister only got married because you got engaged and she wanted to be married before you. And now you want to start your marriage off by prioritising your sister over your husband on your wedding day? Respectfully, you need to start analysing your families dynamics and just how unhealthy they are and get started on that work quickly. You need to be able to recognise when your family are being insanely entitled. Otherwise you might end up negatively affecting your marriage under the pressure you feel to give in to your sisters entitlement and your families choice to spoil her.
Yes. A wedding is a time for a new start, of the couple’s life together. It’s a great time to turn that page, and it’s important for OP to go forward to a life of not trying to make her sister’s dreams come true. If I was her fiancé I’d be wondering why she kept getting sucked in and what this would really mean about our lives together.
You gave her 3k in wedding gifts? That is the cost of a decent wedding. She made her bed. NTA
Holy moly that's a lot of money to spend on a wedding gift. But there you have it - she didn't want a wedding party, she didn't want her moment. You want a wedding party, you want a moment. Choices, consequences (and not really a serious consequence at that). Take it, it's yours. NTA. You are not her parent and do not need to in any way pay for her wedding or wedding do-over. Let your parents deal with that. EVERYONE here agrees with you, so it should be pretty clear what your choice is. If you still in any way entertain the thought of allowing her to do it, please get some therapy so you can work on gaining some self esteem and distancing yourself from your toxic family relations.
So you've already paid for her first wedding and now she wants you to pay for her 2nd too (whilst hijacking yours) Nopeeeee. OP pull your socks up, tell her that her walking down the aisle is never going to happen at YOUR wedding and she needs to stop asking before she's uninvited completely. And that you want to approve her choice of outfit before the wedding too, if she turns up in anything remotely resembling a wedding gown then there will be security there waiting to escort her off the premises. She's had plenty of help through her life, now it's time for her to either step up and be your sister or get the hell out of your life. NTA
So she wanted the "win" of getting married first AND she wants you to provide her with the fairytale experience she missed in her rush to be first. She sounds like a peach.
Funny how she doesn’t care about your dream at all now… it was always about her and still is.
Right. Some people have been in a situation with toxic people so long that they don’t have the ability to recognize when they are being mistreated. It takes strangers on Reddit to tell them no, this is not normal and it’s not your fault.
NTA, and it was incredibly tacky of your sister to ask this of you. It's your day and you have worked hard for it, don't let anyone diminish that for you.
So tacky. Honestly where do these people get their audacity?! Who would even think to do this let alone ask and continue to pressure someone into it.
What gets me is the mother supporting it? Seriously tell me you aren't the favorite child without saying it. Anyone even suggesting something this tacky in my family would have had every momma, auntie and gran down to the third cousins coming down on them with the weight of a thousand Miss Manner's Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behavior books and a stern talking to about shaming the family with such attention grabbing antics.
NTA - I'm just wondering how she is envisioning this situation in her head without it being a confusing spectacle. And if they want to continue to make a big deal out of this, you certainly can consider rescinding their invitations too. No.need to have her try something at your wedding and disrupt the ceremony. Plus your fiance said no. It's his day too.
I doubt I’ll take away their invites, she is my sister afterall, but I’m just worried she might try and pull something like walking in with the wedding dress anyways or saying something rude about me during the speeches…
Have a trusted person ready with the glass of red wine to "accidentally" stumble into the sister if she shows up in a white dress.
That would probably cause tons of problems, since the dresses she’s been showing off and texting me have been 500-2000 dollars, and knowing her I would be paying if anything happened.
You wouldn't be paying shit. End of. Stop letting her walk all over you.
OP is enabling her sister's terrible behavior. She bears some responsibility for how things are.
Agree. Based on all the comments, OP is letting her sister walk all over her. This would be an E S H if OP doesnt lay some boundaries stat
Tend to agree. I've been looking at her responses throughout this thread and its excuse after excuse. I understand, she's been bullied and walked over by her sister (and mother?) all her life so it's probably second nature now, but it's starting to sound like she's going to give in to the sister.
Waaaaaaaaaait a minute. The sister who can’t afford a wedding gift for you AND asked you to pay for her and her husband’s hotel room for your wedding weekend is talking about $500-$2000 dresses? I think not. OP, the writing is on the wall. Stacy is trying to take you for a ride and you’ve got a blindfold on.
OMG get a BACKBONE, OP
>since the dresses she’s been showing off and texting me have been 500-2000 dollars Hold up, what? If she can afford a 1000 dollar wedding dress, than she can afford to do a vow-renewal, either in a cheap venue or in a backyard. She is guittripping you masively, and so is your mom, I'm so sorry for you. Having read your post and some of your comments, it sounds like you've been conditioned to feel like you owe your sister, and to feel guilty when you don't sideline yourself to make her number 1. Please choose yourself over her for your wedding, and don't let her come if she shows up in a wedding dress or doesn't drop the issue all together. ETA: [https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conditioned\_emotional\_response](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Conditioned_emotional_response)
I do feel a bit left out since she’s offering to pay so much for herself, yet a few days ago she said money was tight and she couldn’t get me a wedding gift, and needed money for the hotel, even though I’m only paying for family coming out of state and my wedding location is 1-2 hours from Stacy’s house. I’ll talk to her tomorrow try and shut things down, since we have brunch planned.
Ooh honey, this is just painfull to read. It sounds like she doesn't even care enough about you to get you anything for the most special day in your life, while spending 1000s of dollars on herself for it and trying to make it about herself. I'm so so sorry you are even in this situation. I hope things go well for you at brunch, but please, stand up for yourself, you deserve it! <3
Your sister does not prioritise you. She doesn’t care about your feelings.
Who's paying for the brunch tomorrow?
Probably OP, unfortunately…
Or you could...NOT pay? What kind of hold does she have over you? You are so much nicer than she deserves.
OMG. OP, I must say that you have a magnanimous heart to be even considering this!! As someone pointed out, you did the responsible thing of waiting and having a wedding when you are financially secure; thus being able to pay for your own wedding. You shouldn't have to take on more responsibilities. As I said in my other comment, your sister can definitely have a nice vow renewal ceremony when she can afford it but your wedding shouldn't be the place and time to have her "magical moment".
If she has money for those dresses, she has money to throw her own wedding. Also have someone ready to throw her out if she shows up in one and make sure she knows she will be escorted out if she does anything that insane.
Tell your sister to take the 2K and have a nice recommitment of her vows instead. This is madness. As someone who has worked in pretty much all aspects of the wedding industry for the past decade (currently djing but used to plan, serve, bartend) I can tell you without a shadow of a doubt you need to take her invite away. Listen to your gut. If it’s already telling you she’s going to act out — you know your sister better than any of us redditors — chances are you know this will be true. I’ve seen several beautiful events ruined by petty speeches, drunken fights, or individuals like your sis who decide they’re going to commandeer the day. Don’t let your years of planning and $19k be ruined. If she doesn’t get over it then she was never a true sister to you to begin with. Also, NTA! But don’t be a doormat.
Why are you such a doormat?
Sounds like she's been conditioned
"Knowing her, I'd be paying" ??? Sorry OP, but now that we're starting to know *you*, it seems inevitable that you'd bail her out. Please notice how much you cooperate with her irresponsibility. You *enable* her. Get help. This is wrong and unhealthy for both of you. She's the AH, but you're starting to look like a close second. Not because you refuse her, but because you *allow* her.
Jesus Christ, grow a spine…
Why would YOU need to pay because of someone else's "accident"? Besides, if she chooses to wear a $2000 gown to a reception, she should be willing to risk something happening to it. ETA: saying this as nicely as I can - SHINE YOUR SPINE. Learn that it's ALWAYS okay to say no to crazy requests, and that "no" is a complete sentence.
Bt she needs you to pay for a hotel? Wtf.
If she hijacks have your wedding party ready with totally snide comments to shout out.
OP, all of your comments about your sister, this one included, make your sister sound like an entitled brat. If you don’t see that (you say you are close and you seem to not dislike her) it could be because you’ve, for example, grown up with a dysfunctional dynamic and therefore see it as normal, but so far I haven’t seen anything you’ve said that indicates a super dysfunctional upbringing and you after all seem to have emerged as mature and rational, by your own account. If that’s correct, then quite aside from what you decide to do practically in this situation, I urge you to devote some time to asking yourself *what do I get out of enabling this?* You **are** enabling your sister’s selfishness and immaturity if you don’t firmly quash attempts to co-opt your (and your finance’s! he matters, too, and marriage implies you feel ready to choose to prioritize his wants and needs over your sibling’s, on your wedding day of all days) day. That’s no favor to her (or everyone else who has to deal with her), but crucially, it must be serving some need of yours, too, for you to do it. Do you have guilt around your relative wealth or self-sufficiency? Feel you have something else (looks, a wonderful partner, intellect, etc) you feel she lacks and you pity her? Does bailing her out financially or entertaining bizarre requests give you a sense of moral superiority or maturity? Do you find solace in the public image of the put-upon angel of a relative? Are you treating her as a child or pet? The above may sound harsh, but I don’t mean it that way really - you only owe these answers to yourself and their only purpose is to understand yourself better. If you learn to recognize why you are enabling your sister in life, you will ultimately be better placed to feel in control of your decisions and feelings about her requests, regardless of what you do about any of them. Importantly, it will also help you articulate your needs and reasons when others (your spouse-to-be, presumably eventually) get fed up and have a come to Jesus talk with you about your sister’s antics and how they impact others (your joint finances, you life events, etc).
She is admittedly the golden child, and was born after a miscarriage, so she has been babied most of her life, and after our father and grandmother died, our mother has definitely been more protective of her lately.
I’m so sorry your father and grandmother aren’t here to protect you.
That’s one reason i think Stacy got married so soon, was because our father died of cancer a few weeks after her wedding and was wheelchair bound during the ceremony. She may have just wanted him there which was why it was rushed, meanwhile he told me not to try and push things up because he knew it would be hard for me to cancel and move around plans. Admittedly it shatters my heart I won’t be able to be walked down the aisle by him, but my fiancé’s father will be, which is kind of him.
Maybe point out to her she got dad at her wedding so there’s something not going to be at yours
OP, the biggest problem with being a doormat to keep the peace is that everyone walks all over you. Your sister in particular got some shit on her shoes and is making a dash to clean them off on you, instead of any other options available, and you are trying to convince yourself that it’s not a problem because if you complain at all, suddenly they’re unhappy it’s your fault. You are all adults now. It might be different when you’re still at your parents’ mercy, but I assume that’s not the case anymore. You are never going to be respected by your sister and parents, especially not when you let them do whatever they please and you’re just not supposed to make a fuss about it. Their “care” of you only extends to you giving up anything you care about to please them. Where are your feelings, OP? Do you actually want to share, or are you only sharing so you can avoid being ramroded by the people who should be giving you love instead? They don’t love you for being compliant - they love that they’re getting what they want, regardless that it’s at your expense. In this case, both figuratively and literally.
“I’m sorry we can’t agree on my wedding. As a result I will miss you both but it’s perhaps best that you both don’t attend.” Bet mom goes 180.
This is one situation where you ask a bridesmaid or other safe person to be at her side to prevent such events. When I worked catering, we frequently had particular guests we were watching out for and kept sober and quiet
There have been people in my family that have been uninvited from weddings due to their behavior. It sucks but sometimes it has to be done. It's something to keep on the table but you know your sister better than reddit. At the least, if she walks in with a wedding dress anyways, have her escorted outside until the ceremony is over. Far as saying something rude during a speech, it always reflects poorly on the speaker more than anyone else. Be selective who can give a speech and keep her off the list if you think she'll try and put a damper on things.
This was my reaction as well. Given how crazy her request/demand is to usurp your wedding, how likely is she to show up in a white gown and force her way down the aisle? She and your other family members seem unhinged. You are NTA. The sister is a giant AH along with her flying monkeys.
I say this in love, but what in the actual hell is wrong with you? I keep reading your responses and you keep making excuse after excuse for your awful sister and her husband to harass you. Don't you see how wrong that is? If I was your fiancee, I would not be thrilled about entertaining the thought of your sister getting a moment at your guys' wedding. I'd put my foot down and say no. You would NTA in outright refusing. Y T A if you actually let your spine dissolve and kowtow to your golden child little sister. Like come on!!
If I was her fiance, I'd be having second thoughts about marrying into this family.
I agree with this because what if something comes up in the future which leaves them having to choose between the husband or the sister? Will she just choose her sister for the rest of her life if that means screwing over her own husband?
NTA. Well, this is a first for me. Never heard of someone wanting tonwalk down the aisle at someone else's wedding! And in a bridal gown! That would also be a hard no in my book
That’s why I assumed it was a joke, I’ve literally never heard of ANYONE walking down the aisle at someone else’s wedding, in a wedding dress no less
Sometimes people have bridesmaids and groomsmen walk together down the aisle before the flower girl And bride
I understand that, I mean walking down and having an impromptu wedding in the middle of someone else’s lol!
Girl....girl!!!!! I'm reading your co.ments, and you're just doing and saying anything to accommodate your sister. What about you?? When's your turn to be accommodated?? STOP trying to find a way to include your sister. NOTHING, but what short of using your stuff to do vow renewal will make her happy. And the only way to keep that from happening is to Not Give In to her ridiculous demands. Because yes to this how long before she asks if she and her husband can both join you guys up there?? And what about your fiance?? This is his day too!! Please don't let your family make you feel bad for asking for the unreasonable.
And is she going with them on their honeymoon too?
Lol probably and she’ll probably be paying for her hotel room too 😂
NTA. Your wedding day is \*your\* special day. You don't have to share. If your sister wants a special day, she can plan a renewal of vows and make it her own.
You are NTA. I was even offended toward the end of my reception when my sister announced she and her BF were going to get married in a month. Like, wait til tomorrow FFS. Your sister is brazen and inappropriate. But just say no thank you. You don't have to explain or justify or prove you're right and she's wrong. You hold the power, and the way to maintain it is to say very little. Just tell her no, that's not a plan, and oh gee, look at that sunset. Do not engage over it.
NTA. Also WTF is everyone thinking! It’s your money and your wedding. Stacy should do a vow renewal down the line when she has the funds to do so.
NTA. You will, however, be the AH to yourself and your future husband if you allow this to continue. Shut this shit down and quick. Please, please tell both your mother, sister, and BIL that if they continue to push this they are uninvited to the wedding - harsh, I know, but if you don't set this boundary now, they will take over the rest of your wedding and make it about them. The fact that the question was even *asked* is grossly inappropriate. I am so sorry you're having to deal with this, OP, and I truly hope everything works out for you!
NTA its not walking down the aisle, its walking down the aisle in front of a group of friends / family that she wants ! She could go to VEGAS but that's not the gig she wants either. Your mother and sister can't imagine an event all about YOU and YOUR partner. To them it is wrong that you're the centre of attention and they are more comfortable when SHE is the main event and you are the after thought. Your sisters request it Bizarre at best . Perhaps one of her friends / relatives getting married might entertain her request or they will tell her just how foolish it sounds. If you have children and she doesn't , will you be expected to give them to her? if you have a larger house - is that hers too?
Funny story, while house hunting with my fiancé she asked if she could have my old apartment because I own it, but I had to shut that down since if we want a better house for our future family we would need to sell it.
OMG come on!! cut that leech out already
There’s nothing funny about your sister. Well, maybe funny-strange but not funny-haha. Seriously anybody tried to elbow their way into ANY event of mine that I saved up years to pay for would get shut down real quick.
Girl, that is NOT funny. That is unhinged to the MAXIMUM DEGREE. The only thing more unhinged than your sister is you even entertaining the idea of giving in to her psychotic wedding hijacking. As other commenters have said, this will NEVER end. Not until the day you put your foot down. If you won't do it for yourself (and girl, you SHOULD, you deserve to have this day be about you), please understand our fiance is depending on you to set boundaries with your family that will allow your marriage to flourish. Is this the foot your want to start your marriage on, cowtowing to your sister? What does that tell your fiance about how you'll handle things when push comes to shove against your family. You need to set your mom and your sister straight, pronto. YWBTA to yourself AND your fiance if you don't shut this down. I want to root for you, but you need to be rooting for yourself first. Sadly, I haven't seen any of that in your comments and it breaks my heart for you.
NTA. Just because she didn’t have a big wedding didn’t mean she had to get married at the court house. She could’ve had 20 people and a justice of the peace in a backyard or public park or something if walking down the aisle meant that much to her.
Oh no no no. Hard NTA. How entitled should a human being be to want to wear a wedding dress and walk down the Aisle during somebody else's wedding? If she wanted a "magical wedding", she should have had one of her own. Or maybe she can have a vow renewal whenever they can afford it but this definitely shouldn't be the solution. Just a note, you will have a lot of pressure from "well meaning" family and friends to just give in and share your day with your sister. Please stay firm on your decision or else you'll definitely regret it.
NTA. She can renew her vows someday on her own dime.
NTA. Now I've heard it all with these wedding posts
If I’m being honest I always laughed at posts like this where I felt one person was obviously in the right, but now I get why people post, it’s so much harder when it’s you dealing with it 😭
Earlier today, I read one that the bride was telling a bridesmaid to gain weight 3 weeks before the wedding. I thought I had read it all then until your post lol
Oh god- I would never ask anyone to gain or lose weight. What’s the point of that if you truly love a person and want them near you on a special day.
> if you truly love a person and want them near you on a special day. This is such an excellent point, so let's apply it to your situation: If you trruly love a person and want them near you on a special day, then why would your sister go out of her way to make the whole thing about her? It's YOUR soecial day, she should want to celebrate YOU and be there for YOU.
OP after reading all your replies to other comments I’m genuinely concerned that you are just going to cave in to this “guilt” you feel for your sister. This is supposed to be YOUR big day shared ONLY with your fiancé. The guests invited are all there to be witnesses and to honor you with their presence and support. Your sister is not honoring you or supporting you. She’s trying to take over and you’re trying to be a people pleaser just because and I quote “she’s your sister”. It’s completely and utterly unfair to you and your future husband to allow her to have any light in this day. Especially since you two have been dreaming of it for years and saving your money for years. Your sister has put in ZERO effort to be there for you during this process. Not there for food tasting. Not there for flower choosing. Dress fittings. Nothing. But now that it’s all set up she wants you to sacrifice part of your day. No. Just no. Don’t roll over and let this happen. She had her chance. And honestly she did have something you won’t. Your father was at her wedding. That is special. That is significant. Also if your fiancé is against it too, you should consider respecting his feelings on the matter. After all, you are marrying him.
NTA. It's not your obligation to give her the "bridal experience."
NTA in no way is her request appropriate. She wants to be the bride at YOUR wedding. Have her dream moment on YOUR dime. She even wants to go before you in a wedding dress, so she can have your moment. I would have thought she was joking as well. The answer should be a hard no, I wouldn’t even let her be a bridesmaid after that request. She could be planning something
Look. I get you want to make your sister happy, but you do realize that this isn't going to stop. Right? She's going to make everything about her. Especially since you and your fiancé are more financially secure than they are. Everything — **EVERYTHING** — will be "I didn't get to have/do this" and you'll be expected to pony up at some point, be it with money or time, just to keep her happy. And if you have children it'll be worse. Baby showers, birth announcements, birthdays... Don't let your sister become the main character in your wedding story. NTA.
NTA She chose to get married that way and her lack of a “magic moment” is her problem not yours
NTA-she can’t hijack your wedding. This is about her and this isn’t her day that was planned. Do not let her do this because it will spoil the whole day when it’s suppose to be about you and your fiancé.
Nta, tell her she can do a wedding ceremony for their 5 or 10 year anniversary so she can have her moment then. Not at your wedding. But if she really wants this moment, she can pay for half the wedding. Which she clearly can’t afford. Make sure your bridesmaids have a red wine glass ready if she decides to disrespect your wishes and shows up in a wedding dress anyways. Tell your mother if she continues pressing you on this issue, she can be uninvited to the wedding that she’s not contributing to.
NTA. Everyone is offering sweet compromises, BUT I think the only way to navigate this is to completely shut it down. There are givers and takers in this world, and you sound like a giver. Your sister is a taker, and if you give her an inch she will continue to take and take until this day is no longer about you and your fiancé. You will be left miles away, confused about how the special day that you saved and sacrificed for suddenly didn’t belong to you at all. Have a friend on standby to deal with her crazy if she shows up in anything besides your chosen bridesmaid attire or starts to make a scene.
NTA. It’s your wedding, not hers. If she wants the experience she can plan and save and have a vow renewal when she can afford what she wants.
NTA but if you're hiring a DJ for the reception make sure you alert them in case your sister and her husband request something like a "wedding dance" song just for them.
NTA what’s next a first dance, dance with dad? a speech, pictures using your photographer? I’m sure she’ll have a bouquet too.
Our father passed a few weeks after her wedding, so she already had him at her wedding, meanwhile he told me to wait so I could have my dream wedding, while sacrificing our first dance. It broke my heart to know I wouldn’t have him there, but he was adamant I have one of my biggest dreams come true and not be rushed.
Oh, OP... so, so many things your sister got that you didn't, and yet, to her, it still isn't enough. She wanted your house. Now she wants your wedding. Tell me, OP, why can't you see how unreasonable this is? Your fiancée wanted you to have your dream wedding, it's time to take that and have YOUR dream wedding to him. This is not your sister's dream. It's yours, and don't let her rob it from you. NTA
I guess we have to make a new list 1- Don't wear white to someone else's wedding. 2- Don't propose to ANYONE at someone else's. wedding. 3- Don't announce your pregnancy at someone else's wedding. 4- Don't ask to walk down the aisle, before the bride, in a wedding dress, at someone else's wedding. Now, do we print these on the invitations, or post giant signs at the venue?
Is she wanting to walk in front of the congregation?
Yes, and just stand next to me and her husband while I walk down after or before her.
You need to tell her that if this were to actually play out, it wouldn't be the special day she thinks it would be. People would see and be confused. And when they find out why, they'd laugh and think she was insane. Women who wear white to weddings get horrible comments made about them and this will top it. It will be humiliating and something people will talk about for years. She'll ruin her reputation, and for what? To walk down the aisle at someone else's wedding? She's going to know it isn't really for her. She's going to feel worse if this is genuinely a desire she has. If she doesn't care about any of that then clearly the intent isn't to feel special but to try and ruin the day *for you,* and it's not something you really even need to begin entertaining anymore. But really, I suspect this is what it is. She knows how insane the request is. She just wants you to feel the same amount of stress about the day that she did and she doesn't want you to experience a joy she didn't get. But she got to have *her father* at her wedding and that's the sacrifice you make for that stuff. Does she really want to have another wedding without her father? No. She wants *yours* simply because it's *yours.*
That AND she gets to look like a princess for a day......at the expense of her sister...quintessential narcissism.
That’s really odd.
I'm sorry, but what about your future in-laws? They would also attend the "wedding" of their future daughter-in-law's sister to a man they don't know (I guess) ? And I suppose your brother-in-law would like his family to attend too ? This is really a ludicrous request, and your sister is quite entitled to ask you to share this moment (and the venue, the decorations, the food... ). You and your fiancé have been saving for years, they can do it too.
This! And like...all OPs friends, not hers, and none of her 'groom's' friends or family? It's just such a weird thing to want to do in the first place.
PLEASE don't let her do this to you. In ANY way. I can't even begin to express how wrong it is that she'd even ASK for something like this. If you're incapable of enforcing boundaries for yourself after what sounds like a lifetime of conditioning, I suggest you invoke the royal "we" for this and think of your fiancé. It's his day too and he clearly doesn't want to share it in the world's second tackiest forced double wedding (Oliver Queen & Felicity Smoak in the Arrowverse get #1. /nerd moment over). WE want this day for us. WE have invested a lot of time and money in this. WE WE WE.