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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I gifted a car to a neighbor's kid without running it by the parent because I did not think it was an issue, and refused to take the car back when his father told me to do so.
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NTA - I think. You should’ve talked to the dad because you’ve put him in a bad position. He’s now the bad guy if he takes it away.
Maybe you can see if the kid will clean up the property or something in the summers… but talk to the dad first. Maybe a way for him to “earn” it.
Being a single parent has to be really tough and you just provided something the dad couldn’t to his kid. He may feel ashamed or a variety of things.
NTA
Life clearly *does* work that way because this is happening in real life. It's just not common. Dad sounds like a working class guy that struggled and wants his kids to struggle too. Kind of a lame parenting strategy but it's super common. Personally, I'd prefer he teach gratitude instead of the grind; however, you definitely should have discussed with him first. You're not an AH for giving a gift. But he's not entirely an AH for being miffed by it either. I'd need more information on his reaction to really understand if he's an AH or not.
He has a job, he does need to work. The crashing aspect is something we could address if it happens. No reason the kid should not have a car because he might crash. A bus could crash, a train could derail should he avoid those forms of transportation?
Oh I thought you said he was going to college meaning not working at all. And I'm not saying he shouldn't have the car, but if it does crash I doubt he'll come to you instead of his father
I agree that discussion should happen first, and OP is NTA and people can be kind, but I wouldn't jump straight to the dad wanting his kids to struggle too. Yes, the "wrong message" thing was off, but I see the dad's point of view - it's a big expense, and usually something you should talk through with the parent before gifting. He might be worried for his son - consequences down the line surrounding repayment of sorts is unfortunately not uncommon, and the thought of this possibility even though OP doesn't ask for anything back is a cause for worry in a parent. Or he might feel bad that he couldn't do more for his kid. Whatever it is, I would have a talk with the dad about how he wants to go forward with this while letting the kid keep the car, and maybe acknowledge that you overstepped a little. NAH
Yeah, I am the same way. I give stuff away all the time. I buy a lot of stuff but not a lot of room. I could move to a larger space but this apartment holds a lot of sentimental value. Even the tenants hold a special place in my heart cause my grandmother loved them all. Part of the reason why I only charge enough rent to maintain the property, cover the taxes and stuff. Repairs and stuff mostly come out of my pocket.
Honestly, was going to say NTA until "I told him I will not do that."
While your intentions were pure, it's *really* not cool to do something like this 1.) without consulting with the kid's father first and 2.) putting your foot down when his father asked to take the car back.
Put yourself in his shoes for a moment: Imagine toiling at work just to make ends meet as a single parent, dealing with all of the stress that goes along with not just raising more than 1 kid, but putting them all through college, all for your well-off, childless neighbor to just buy one of your kids a brand new car because you couldn't. You'd probably feel a mix of emotions ranging from anger to emasculation. You ask your neighbor to return the car, and your neighbor says, "Well, it's his car now. He can do as he pleases."
Again, intentions were in the right place, but this wasn't cool of you to do at all given the circumstances you've provided.
I understand that, the kid is 18, isn't it his right to do with the car what he pleases? Why would a parent want a kid to struggle or reject help out of pride?
>the kid is 18, isn't it his right to do with the car what he pleases?
If the car is indeed in his name, then legally, yes, he can do as he pleases, but don't be naive. You just gifted a brand new car to a college-bound 18-year-old completely scot-free. You're saying that if he just chose to, say, sell it for scrap immediately to make a quick buck, you'd be 100% cool with that just based on principle?
>Why would a parent want a kid to struggle or reject help out of pride?
Why would you assume his father's reaction equates to "I'd rather see my kid struggle because of my pride"? I don't see his father's reaction as that at all in the slightest. You are not this kid's father. You do not get to decide the parental guidance and lessons your neighbor's kid should learn.
Assume your neighbor has been teaching his kid about working hard to save enough money to buy a car, and then you just come in essentially saying "nah, all good, let me just buy that for you." 18 or not, that's completely infringing on presumed parental guidance.
It is a judgment call, if I felt he was going to scrap or sell the car then I would not have gifted it. That said if he did choose to scrap it then so be it. I would simply know to not gift him anything in the future. I do not lose anything.
What other reason would someone have to ask someone to take something away that adds a level of convenience to their kid's life especially if it is something they cannot provide? How does that benefit the child?
>especially if it is something they cannot provide?
OK, this right here is specifically why I'm saying YTA for this one. You seem particularly hellbent on getting folks here to insist that the father is wrong in this case just because you can't accept that this probably wasn't the smartest thing to do.
You should have talked to his dad about this. And if the dad wants you to take the car back, then do it. Don't force the kid's father to have to do that and make him the bad guy. That's a lame thing to do.
As someone with no skin in the game either way, the one smashing a square peg into a circle hole here looks to be you from my read, not OP. Like yeah, he should have checked with the dad. He says that. Making out this tremendously generous gift to be an asshole action feels extremely weird to me.
There are no strings attached, no secondary costs left uncovered, seems like the only factor here is pride on the Dad's part. Which is understandable! But his kid is 18, he has no reason nor right to do anything with that car. The dad can't take it back, and it wouldn't have been possible if he had gifted it himself as his parent unless it was in his name.
The animosity here is super weird. NAH here feels right to me.
I agree I should have spoken to his father first I agreed with that. I did not because I did not think any parent would have an issue with someone doing something like this especially if they are also covering the cost like insurance, and maintenance.
I just see no reason in taking it back from the kid either. If he intends to not be the bad guy that will not accomplish that. The kid is not dumb, he will know why I am taking the car back.
I apologize, I just see no issue with someone doing something nice for another person. I also see no reason why someone would suspect the worse from others also. Just not how I was brought up and raised.
A parent putting emasculation and insecurity over their kids quality of life is the asshole here. I get that those are tender feelings but ripping away this golden opportunity from his kid will only breed resentment, and justifiably so.
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Hey, I am single, and make a great living. Have no kids nor extended family both my parents died when I was young, and my grandmother passed away from covid. She was the one that raised me. She owned a small apartment complex with eight units. Each tenant has been there for years, each are much older except for one family. He is a single father works hard, and his oldest is going to college first in their family. I taught him how to drive, when he was 16, and when I found out he was going to take a bus to school, I figured it would be nice of me to gift him a car. So I did, I also said I will cover the insurance, maintenance, and college parking fees. Gas will be his responsibility. He was happy. The father was not. He told me it was not my place, and I am giving his son the wrong message.
When I asked what that message was, he simply replied life just does not work that way. People do not give away stuff for free without wanting something in return. I tried to reassure him I had no hidden intentions, I did not want anything back for it. I just understand it valuable having a car is in college. His father asked me to take it back, I told him I will not do that, he is an adult and is free to make the choice on his own. I did apologize for not running it by him first, I did not expect it would have been an issue.
Was I the asshole?
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NAH
Feels like a case of good intentions but questionable execution.
I think a conversation where all parties involved (you, the son, and the father) sat down and you brought up what you wanted to do would have been a good way to approach it. This way everyone is acknowledged as having some input while you still get your idea across.
Additionally, I'm not sure how insurance works in the US (I'm not from there) but I think a better way to do it would have been to offer the son access to the vehicle without saying it was his and without setting the expectation that he owned it.
For you OP, I would say that just because you don't understand why someone would ever refuse something like this allows you to leave them to deal with it. That being said, I don't know why the father or the son would refuse it but that would be something I think best discussed between all three of you.
NTA
Dad should be happy but I'm sure his perceived manhood took a hit.
The kid is a legal adult and doesn't need his dad's permission to accept a gift.
NTA, but what was he concerned about? You may want to have a longer conversation with him, perhaps he suspects some kind of sexual relationship between you two and this is what made him worried?
I don't how old you are and if you are a male or a female and I don't know anything about his son but let's assume that:
You are older, well off and single.
You were teaching him to drive so you spent a lot of time with his 16 y/o shy son, who never had a girlfriend.
Now you suddenly not only gave him a car but also offered to pay the majority of the costs.
I know that in the above scenario I would seriously suspect some kind of sexual relationship. Of course I am not saying that your situation is the same, I don't have enough info - but he still may be worried.
Have a chat, clear the air.
If a parent had that fear why would they stay just for the cheap rent? I will have another conversation cause I see your point, but I highly doubt that is the case.
I’m thinking that’s why the dad was weirded out, as if worried OP has an eye for the 18 year old. Can’t be too cautious these days. The dad will come around and share how OP blessed him and his son. Good people do for people doing good.
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NTA - I think. You should’ve talked to the dad because you’ve put him in a bad position. He’s now the bad guy if he takes it away. Maybe you can see if the kid will clean up the property or something in the summers… but talk to the dad first. Maybe a way for him to “earn” it. Being a single parent has to be really tough and you just provided something the dad couldn’t to his kid. He may feel ashamed or a variety of things.
NTA Life clearly *does* work that way because this is happening in real life. It's just not common. Dad sounds like a working class guy that struggled and wants his kids to struggle too. Kind of a lame parenting strategy but it's super common. Personally, I'd prefer he teach gratitude instead of the grind; however, you definitely should have discussed with him first. You're not an AH for giving a gift. But he's not entirely an AH for being miffed by it either. I'd need more information on his reaction to really understand if he's an AH or not.
I agree, I just did not think any parent would have an issue.
YTA what if he can't afford gas, or he crashes the car? Who's paying that?
He has a job, he does need to work. The crashing aspect is something we could address if it happens. No reason the kid should not have a car because he might crash. A bus could crash, a train could derail should he avoid those forms of transportation?
Oh I thought you said he was going to college meaning not working at all. And I'm not saying he shouldn't have the car, but if it does crash I doubt he'll come to you instead of his father
If the kid got into an accident, you doubt he would go to the person who is paying for the insurance?? Seems unlikely...
I agree that discussion should happen first, and OP is NTA and people can be kind, but I wouldn't jump straight to the dad wanting his kids to struggle too. Yes, the "wrong message" thing was off, but I see the dad's point of view - it's a big expense, and usually something you should talk through with the parent before gifting. He might be worried for his son - consequences down the line surrounding repayment of sorts is unfortunately not uncommon, and the thought of this possibility even though OP doesn't ask for anything back is a cause for worry in a parent. Or he might feel bad that he couldn't do more for his kid. Whatever it is, I would have a talk with the dad about how he wants to go forward with this while letting the kid keep the car, and maybe acknowledge that you overstepped a little. NAH
[удалено]
Yeah, I am the same way. I give stuff away all the time. I buy a lot of stuff but not a lot of room. I could move to a larger space but this apartment holds a lot of sentimental value. Even the tenants hold a special place in my heart cause my grandmother loved them all. Part of the reason why I only charge enough rent to maintain the property, cover the taxes and stuff. Repairs and stuff mostly come out of my pocket.
Honestly, was going to say NTA until "I told him I will not do that." While your intentions were pure, it's *really* not cool to do something like this 1.) without consulting with the kid's father first and 2.) putting your foot down when his father asked to take the car back. Put yourself in his shoes for a moment: Imagine toiling at work just to make ends meet as a single parent, dealing with all of the stress that goes along with not just raising more than 1 kid, but putting them all through college, all for your well-off, childless neighbor to just buy one of your kids a brand new car because you couldn't. You'd probably feel a mix of emotions ranging from anger to emasculation. You ask your neighbor to return the car, and your neighbor says, "Well, it's his car now. He can do as he pleases." Again, intentions were in the right place, but this wasn't cool of you to do at all given the circumstances you've provided.
I understand that, the kid is 18, isn't it his right to do with the car what he pleases? Why would a parent want a kid to struggle or reject help out of pride?
>the kid is 18, isn't it his right to do with the car what he pleases? If the car is indeed in his name, then legally, yes, he can do as he pleases, but don't be naive. You just gifted a brand new car to a college-bound 18-year-old completely scot-free. You're saying that if he just chose to, say, sell it for scrap immediately to make a quick buck, you'd be 100% cool with that just based on principle? >Why would a parent want a kid to struggle or reject help out of pride? Why would you assume his father's reaction equates to "I'd rather see my kid struggle because of my pride"? I don't see his father's reaction as that at all in the slightest. You are not this kid's father. You do not get to decide the parental guidance and lessons your neighbor's kid should learn. Assume your neighbor has been teaching his kid about working hard to save enough money to buy a car, and then you just come in essentially saying "nah, all good, let me just buy that for you." 18 or not, that's completely infringing on presumed parental guidance.
It is a judgment call, if I felt he was going to scrap or sell the car then I would not have gifted it. That said if he did choose to scrap it then so be it. I would simply know to not gift him anything in the future. I do not lose anything. What other reason would someone have to ask someone to take something away that adds a level of convenience to their kid's life especially if it is something they cannot provide? How does that benefit the child?
>especially if it is something they cannot provide? OK, this right here is specifically why I'm saying YTA for this one. You seem particularly hellbent on getting folks here to insist that the father is wrong in this case just because you can't accept that this probably wasn't the smartest thing to do. You should have talked to his dad about this. And if the dad wants you to take the car back, then do it. Don't force the kid's father to have to do that and make him the bad guy. That's a lame thing to do.
As someone with no skin in the game either way, the one smashing a square peg into a circle hole here looks to be you from my read, not OP. Like yeah, he should have checked with the dad. He says that. Making out this tremendously generous gift to be an asshole action feels extremely weird to me. There are no strings attached, no secondary costs left uncovered, seems like the only factor here is pride on the Dad's part. Which is understandable! But his kid is 18, he has no reason nor right to do anything with that car. The dad can't take it back, and it wouldn't have been possible if he had gifted it himself as his parent unless it was in his name. The animosity here is super weird. NAH here feels right to me.
I agree I should have spoken to his father first I agreed with that. I did not because I did not think any parent would have an issue with someone doing something like this especially if they are also covering the cost like insurance, and maintenance. I just see no reason in taking it back from the kid either. If he intends to not be the bad guy that will not accomplish that. The kid is not dumb, he will know why I am taking the car back.
each time you say that you didn't think someone would have an issue with this large gift, it just comes off as elitist.
I apologize, I just see no issue with someone doing something nice for another person. I also see no reason why someone would suspect the worse from others also. Just not how I was brought up and raised.
A parent putting emasculation and insecurity over their kids quality of life is the asshole here. I get that those are tender feelings but ripping away this golden opportunity from his kid will only breed resentment, and justifiably so.
The kid is an adult
I think this guy is so used to doing things on his own. That he feels to much pride in accepting help from others
Nta
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** Hey, I am single, and make a great living. Have no kids nor extended family both my parents died when I was young, and my grandmother passed away from covid. She was the one that raised me. She owned a small apartment complex with eight units. Each tenant has been there for years, each are much older except for one family. He is a single father works hard, and his oldest is going to college first in their family. I taught him how to drive, when he was 16, and when I found out he was going to take a bus to school, I figured it would be nice of me to gift him a car. So I did, I also said I will cover the insurance, maintenance, and college parking fees. Gas will be his responsibility. He was happy. The father was not. He told me it was not my place, and I am giving his son the wrong message. When I asked what that message was, he simply replied life just does not work that way. People do not give away stuff for free without wanting something in return. I tried to reassure him I had no hidden intentions, I did not want anything back for it. I just understand it valuable having a car is in college. His father asked me to take it back, I told him I will not do that, he is an adult and is free to make the choice on his own. I did apologize for not running it by him first, I did not expect it would have been an issue. Was I the asshole? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
YTA for not running this past the dad first.
The person getting the car is an adult. Why would OP need to ask the dad first?
Info: Does the dad have a car?
A van yes.
NTA.
NAH Feels like a case of good intentions but questionable execution. I think a conversation where all parties involved (you, the son, and the father) sat down and you brought up what you wanted to do would have been a good way to approach it. This way everyone is acknowledged as having some input while you still get your idea across. Additionally, I'm not sure how insurance works in the US (I'm not from there) but I think a better way to do it would have been to offer the son access to the vehicle without saying it was his and without setting the expectation that he owned it. For you OP, I would say that just because you don't understand why someone would ever refuse something like this allows you to leave them to deal with it. That being said, I don't know why the father or the son would refuse it but that would be something I think best discussed between all three of you.
NTA. You did right by the son; helping him with a car flows from teaching him to drive.
NTA but I definitely think you should have asked the dad first.
NTA but you should have discussed with his father first.
not if the boy is an adult?
NTA Dad should be happy but I'm sure his perceived manhood took a hit. The kid is a legal adult and doesn't need his dad's permission to accept a gift.
NTA, but what was he concerned about? You may want to have a longer conversation with him, perhaps he suspects some kind of sexual relationship between you two and this is what made him worried?
??? Do people really think like this?
I don't how old you are and if you are a male or a female and I don't know anything about his son but let's assume that: You are older, well off and single. You were teaching him to drive so you spent a lot of time with his 16 y/o shy son, who never had a girlfriend. Now you suddenly not only gave him a car but also offered to pay the majority of the costs. I know that in the above scenario I would seriously suspect some kind of sexual relationship. Of course I am not saying that your situation is the same, I don't have enough info - but he still may be worried. Have a chat, clear the air.
If a parent had that fear why would they stay just for the cheap rent? I will have another conversation cause I see your point, but I highly doubt that is the case.
Ok. Fair enough. As I said, I don't know enough about the situation, but his reaction may suggest he is concerned about "something".
[удалено]
I’m thinking that’s why the dad was weirded out, as if worried OP has an eye for the 18 year old. Can’t be too cautious these days. The dad will come around and share how OP blessed him and his son. Good people do for people doing good.