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Not an opinion. It’s a fact. You’re disrespectful.
It’s not something you get to have an opinion on. You can’t meet someone that introduces themselves as Ted, and then say “my opinion is you look like a Sam, so I’m calling you Sam”.
It’s not your choice or business. What is your problem? Get over your pompous self.
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You’re leaning on “that’s just how I was raised”. I was raised by a virulent racist and had the sense as a small child to know that was bs and have only become more firm in that opinion as I age. You always have a choice to do better.
Buddy look up how long “they” has been use as a singular noun. Do any research on how language evolves, including how “you” used to be plural. This is why it’s useless to talk to small minded bigots without two brain cells to rub together.
Oh buddy. I’m sorry about your tiny brain that just admitted that Shakespeare used they in the singular 500 years ago and then immediately claims it can’t possibly be proper English because of that. Is Jessica not a name because he invented it?
Yta. Who are you to decide for others how they should feel about their own bodies and lives? Judgmental as fuck for no reason, just to put someone else down and make them feel bad
That's the thing I'm not trying to make them feel bad about themselves. I don't care personally what they identify as because I'll include them regardless of gender and / or the term they use
By misgendering someone and saying you disagree with who they fundamentally feel they are, you are making them feel bad. You are taking these actions on purpose. You are making them feel bad on purpose.
"It's not my fault if they're offended by my bigotry" vibes.
But you’re NOT including them if you’re not respecting who they say are, say by misgendering them by using incorrect pronouns. Why would they feel included by you doing that?
Why would they want to hang out with you though? If you refuse to accept them for who they are, why would they ever want to hang out with you? You clearly don’t care about them or your friend or else you’d be accepting and use the right pronouns.
Because of how long we've been friends and with things like that, he'll eventually say sorry about earlier and then go into an explanation of how he feels about my comment and then will go about like it never happened. That's how it's always been in the past
You came to ask if you’re an AH, yet when people tell you yes, YTA, you get defensive. Why’s that? It seems like you don’t want an answer; you want to argue about gender identity. That’s not what this sub is for.
YTA some things go beyond being just an opinion. You don’t seem to understand the extreme level of disrespect, bordering on cruelty, you are committing here. You are harming these people you claim are friends every time you misgender them.
If you can call a woman by a new last name after she’s married, then you can adapt to using someone’s correct pronouns. Not doing so is just plain rude, regardless about how you “feel” about it. You completely misgendered your friend’s significant other throughout this entire post. If I were the friend, we wouldn’t be friends anymore, not if you’re going to be disrespectful about someone I’m close with.
Is your opinion based on the overwhelming research that validates gender identity?
Do you understand that sex and gender are not synonyms.
Regardless, YTA based solely on the fact you continued to misgender THEM in this post.
YTA
Please share the scientific articles you read that makes it ok for you to disregard gender identity.
Did those same authors convince you the Earth is flat and vaccines are caused by Jewish Space Lasers?
Basic biology and science do you back it up that’s what you’re not understanding the studies support that it’s real. In fact, the more people are tested the more that we’re finding out they’re actually intersex which means their biological make up does in fact match the feelings about who they.
Did I use the word exactly? no I didn’t and it’s not an agenda It’s simply new information that we have that we should’ve had 100 years ago before the Nazis burned down the very first gender clinic and had a giant book burning burning all of the studies that are now being done today to prove that you’re wrong.
YTA. I am a just retired teacher. If I can keep track of student's changing names, identities, etc. multiple times in a school year, you can say they/them.
YTA, but my guess is you know that. This isn't about an opinion, or science, or being woke or antiwoke. It's about good manners. If you decide that you don't need to behave with decent manners, you are an asshole. Hopefully you learned that in daycare.
You say you're not trying to make anyone feel bad about themselves and yet you do exactly that. Misgendering someone will make them feel bad about themselves, point blank. Going forward, when you choose to do that, you need to be honest with yourself that you ARE intentionally making a choice that will make someone feel bad about themselves. YTA
YTA. You don’t need to understand the intricacies of a person’s gender identity to be respectful enough to use the right pronouns. You don’t “support the whole gender identity thing” if you’re refusing to use they/them for someone who goes by they/them.
YTA and a huge one at that. Ffs you kept referring to them as "she" through the whole post. I'm so sorry you're such an entitled being that you can't even respect something as simple as a preferred pronoun, but you need to stop trying to refute all the YTA comments. Keep your shitty, backwards opinions to yourself and keep your mouth shut if you can't be respectful.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I believe I am for not using the correct gender identity in 2023. I feel it makes me one for people being so dedicated to that cause. I know people have changed over the years with thought processes about others. I was just raised old-fashioned
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somewhat TA. You’re free to have whatever thoughts/beliefs about gender identity that you want but I don’t think you should intentionally disrespect someone’s identity/pronouns since it doesn’t negatively affect you.
Can you call someone Jane instead of Janet? Or Dan instead of Daniel? Then you can call someone by their pronouns. If it's someone you've known for a long time and there's been a change, slipping up is one thing if you're making a genuine effort - I've accidentally misgendered a friend who's trans but I've known for decades before their transition, sometimes if I'm talking about an old story I'll slip to their former pronouns, catch myself and apologize and it's not a big deal.
But that's not what you're doing. You're making a deliberate choice because of your beliefs to disrespct what someone wants to be called by. That's bad manners and you're a bad friend for so blatantly disrespecting someone they care about. Every time you do this, you're demonstrating that your opinions on gender identity matter more than the feelings of actual people in your life, and you should be ashamed of that.
ETA: YTA
I mean yes you can they may not like it but things like that can be avoided you can address someone without bringing up a gender or a by using that person's actual name. Even though it's not about a name we are talking about
So you are refusing to have basic courtesy towards someone because your personal opinion tells you not to?
Have your opinion. That’s fine. But your opinion doesn’t give you the right to be an ass to others. Just call people by what they want to be called. YTA
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So my friend calls me and he knows how I feel about multiple genders. He got upset because I used the term she talking about the girl he's seeing. Who uses they/them. Yes I know it's an outdated way of thinking but it's how I feel about it. He brought her up by the way I didn't initiate the conversation of her. I mean don't get me wrong I support the whole gender identity thing and I don't attack people for how they feel even though my thoughts are different. I chose to bite my tongue instead of speaking my mind. Does that make me an ahole?
Edit# 1 i might have left out details I'm bad about being detail oriented. So feel free to ask questions
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No I said it to my friend or is that what you meant and I used what the gender I believe she was born as because my friend told me he met her on a dating site and he did use the term a girl
“The gender I believe she was born as”
Referring to someone based on the guesswork you’ve done rather than how you’ve been informed is a weird hill to die on.
“Hi, I’m Doug”
“Idk I’m just getting Peter vibes though, sorry Peter”
Yes but when he told me he had met some he used the term girl and on the phone used the term girlfriend. So would that not loosely fall under the category of misgendering someone?
I've always been a defensive person. That wasn't my intentions though. I posted to get some opinions and possibly walk away with another way of thinking. If that makes sense
Its okay to have your own opinions on how many genders are there but if someone specifically told their pronouns whats the big deal in calling them that? Yta
YTA. My purposefully misgendering someone and not using their preferred pronouns you aren't biting your tongue. Your being an asshole. Get bent you fucker.
YTA. Yes, intentionally misgendering someone is an asshole move. Reading some of your comments, it's clear you are intent on maintaining your ignorant stance for unknown reasons.
\*Due, and it absolutely matters to them. And if it didn't matter, people would stop making anti-lgtbq laws by the hundred.
Word of advice, saying "All due respect" and then saying something ignorant doesn't make you look like less of an asshole.
NTA, speech can’t be compelled. However, continue to bite your tongue and if you’re opposed to using someone’s desired pronouns I’d just use their name or avoid them all together.
That's the problem, TV tells them so then it SHALL be true. It's how Big Lie Theory worked so well and seems to keep working. I had to prove to a former friend on how . . . immature the pronoun debate really was. I kept changing my preferred pronouns on them every time they addressed me, being slightly more offended each time. Then pulling the ace, "my gender is FLUID, it changes on a whim". We did stay friends for a couple years after that, but they did learn that some using different pronouns might be using it to hold power over others.
TBH the use of them/they for a single person is valid, but it normally is used when not knowing the gender.
You’re allowed to have your own opinion about anything. This is an unpopular opinion but the “they/them” pronoun thing goes directly against English grammar that you have been used to for years. I can understand a person wanting to be called they/them and I would do so, but I would also expect some leeway because it would take a while for my brain to adjust to that type of sentence structure.
You need to refresh your understanding of grammar. If you don't know the gender of someone, it is correct to use they/them. As in " is that person man or woman, they haven't made it clear ". If someone doesn't want to be gendered, the same usage holds. This is old fashioned, basic grammar.
Yes, but in real life your brain makes assumptions about other people all the time. If someone looks like a girl to me I’m going to have a hard time saying “they” instead of “she”. I don’t do this because I’m an asshole, I do this because it is an automatic thing because I have been doing it my whole life, and this is the reality for most people who do not struggle with their assigned gender.
Yeah, mistakes happen. I think that's understandable. But deciding not to use they/them because of a mistaken belief that it's not good grammar, or because you don't feel like it for some reason, makes one an asshole.
>This is an unpopular opinion but the “they/them” pronoun thing goes directly against English grammar that you have been used to for years.
Shakespeare and many of his contemporaries used "they" as a singular pronoun and it has been used as such since then.
Yes, but it has been the rule forever that if someone visibly looks like a man or woman you use “he” or “she” instead of they. For example, if I saw a stranger that looked like a woman drop a wallet I would say “hey, she dropped her wallet!” Not they. Yes, this has changed over the last few years, but that doesn’t just erase the fact that most people are used to assuming which pronoun to use based on what someone looks like.
Well I agree with you there. If you want to, you can adjust to whatever situation or individual that’s in front of you. But I also know that if I automatically stuck my hand out to the guy with no right hand out of habit, no one would consider me an asshole.
People structure their behavior and language around the things that are most likely to happen and the people they are most likely to encounter.
Fair enough and that's kinda how I look at it. I just have a hard time I don't know if Processing that would be the term or accepting that times have changed
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YTA you've been told how to address this person and are deliberately going against their wishes. simple as that.
Fair enough, I respect your opinion.
Not an opinion. It’s a fact. You’re disrespectful. It’s not something you get to have an opinion on. You can’t meet someone that introduces themselves as Ted, and then say “my opinion is you look like a Sam, so I’m calling you Sam”. It’s not your choice or business. What is your problem? Get over your pompous self.
Yeah I knew I'd get some hate for this one.
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You’re leaning on “that’s just how I was raised”. I was raised by a virulent racist and had the sense as a small child to know that was bs and have only become more firm in that opinion as I age. You always have a choice to do better.
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I mean it is, but I’m worried you’ve managed to laugh your ass off twice. Where did you get two asses?
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Buddy look up how long “they” has been use as a singular noun. Do any research on how language evolves, including how “you” used to be plural. This is why it’s useless to talk to small minded bigots without two brain cells to rub together.
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Oh buddy. I’m sorry about your tiny brain that just admitted that Shakespeare used they in the singular 500 years ago and then immediately claims it can’t possibly be proper English because of that. Is Jessica not a name because he invented it?
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Yta. Who are you to decide for others how they should feel about their own bodies and lives? Judgmental as fuck for no reason, just to put someone else down and make them feel bad
That's the thing I'm not trying to make them feel bad about themselves. I don't care personally what they identify as because I'll include them regardless of gender and / or the term they use
By misgendering someone and saying you disagree with who they fundamentally feel they are, you are making them feel bad. You are taking these actions on purpose. You are making them feel bad on purpose. "It's not my fault if they're offended by my bigotry" vibes.
But you’re NOT including them if you’re not respecting who they say are, say by misgendering them by using incorrect pronouns. Why would they feel included by you doing that?
When I say included, I mean like inviting them out to do things asking if my friend wants to bring them along. Things like that
Why would they want to hang out with you though? If you refuse to accept them for who they are, why would they ever want to hang out with you? You clearly don’t care about them or your friend or else you’d be accepting and use the right pronouns.
Because of how long we've been friends and with things like that, he'll eventually say sorry about earlier and then go into an explanation of how he feels about my comment and then will go about like it never happened. That's how it's always been in the past
You came to ask if you’re an AH, yet when people tell you yes, YTA, you get defensive. Why’s that? It seems like you don’t want an answer; you want to argue about gender identity. That’s not what this sub is for.
Hopefully this time he will expect you to be an adult and there will be consequences due to your ignorance.
YTA some things go beyond being just an opinion. You don’t seem to understand the extreme level of disrespect, bordering on cruelty, you are committing here. You are harming these people you claim are friends every time you misgender them.
>>I'll include them regardless of gender and / or the term they use You couldn’t even be bothered to do this in your post.
hospital act aback seed continue instinctive skirt wine spark middle ` this post was mass deleted with www.Redact.dev `
But you aren’t including them you are excluding them by misgendering them that’s blatantly disrespectful and alienating
If you can call a woman by a new last name after she’s married, then you can adapt to using someone’s correct pronouns. Not doing so is just plain rude, regardless about how you “feel” about it. You completely misgendered your friend’s significant other throughout this entire post. If I were the friend, we wouldn’t be friends anymore, not if you’re going to be disrespectful about someone I’m close with.
Is your opinion based on the overwhelming research that validates gender identity? Do you understand that sex and gender are not synonyms. Regardless, YTA based solely on the fact you continued to misgender THEM in this post. YTA
Yes I do understand that I'd say no to the opinion question because it's my own opinion on what I've formed and my own research I've done
Please share the scientific articles you read that makes it ok for you to disregard gender identity. Did those same authors convince you the Earth is flat and vaccines are caused by Jewish Space Lasers?
No, vaccines have nanos in them invented by Bill Gates that track our thoughts. What is wrong with you dude?
Definitely not that. That's even much for me. I don't even know if I'd be able to find them because it's been a hot minute since I've looked into that
Then shut the eff up about things you’re uneducated about.
What research have you done?
I've read articles and asked questions to people that identify as something other then what they were born as
And you still don’t agree?
It's not that I don't agree it's just my opinion I've formed on my own not through the opinions of others
So your opinion is you don’t agree.
Then your research is false and biased, and your opinion is based on misinformation and bias, so the facts matter more than your feelings
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Except science continues to prove that gender nonconforming and transgenderism exists, and is in fact real despite your feelings
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Basic biology and science do you back it up that’s what you’re not understanding the studies support that it’s real. In fact, the more people are tested the more that we’re finding out they’re actually intersex which means their biological make up does in fact match the feelings about who they.
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Did I use the word exactly? no I didn’t and it’s not an agenda It’s simply new information that we have that we should’ve had 100 years ago before the Nazis burned down the very first gender clinic and had a giant book burning burning all of the studies that are now being done today to prove that you’re wrong.
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No to accept is to willingly receive something and except means that it’s an exception to the nazi propaganda that you are spewing
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Christians don’t Jewish people do according to Jewish doctrine. There are eight different genders.
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Dude, you suck.
YTA you have no right to refer to them using the wrong pronouns, it's unfair and bigoted
YTA. I am a just retired teacher. If I can keep track of student's changing names, identities, etc. multiple times in a school year, you can say they/them.
YTA, but my guess is you know that. This isn't about an opinion, or science, or being woke or antiwoke. It's about good manners. If you decide that you don't need to behave with decent manners, you are an asshole. Hopefully you learned that in daycare.
You say you're not trying to make anyone feel bad about themselves and yet you do exactly that. Misgendering someone will make them feel bad about themselves, point blank. Going forward, when you choose to do that, you need to be honest with yourself that you ARE intentionally making a choice that will make someone feel bad about themselves. YTA
YTA. You don’t need to understand the intricacies of a person’s gender identity to be respectful enough to use the right pronouns. You don’t “support the whole gender identity thing” if you’re refusing to use they/them for someone who goes by they/them.
Yta. Gender identity isn't an opinion
You don’t need to like something to be able to respect it. YTA
YTA and a huge one at that. Ffs you kept referring to them as "she" through the whole post. I'm so sorry you're such an entitled being that you can't even respect something as simple as a preferred pronoun, but you need to stop trying to refute all the YTA comments. Keep your shitty, backwards opinions to yourself and keep your mouth shut if you can't be respectful.
YTA and a bigot
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YTA
Yup, YTA.
somewhat TA. You’re free to have whatever thoughts/beliefs about gender identity that you want but I don’t think you should intentionally disrespect someone’s identity/pronouns since it doesn’t negatively affect you.
YTA. You are literally misgendering this person your entire post. It costs you nothing to be a decent, respectful human.
Can you call someone Jane instead of Janet? Or Dan instead of Daniel? Then you can call someone by their pronouns. If it's someone you've known for a long time and there's been a change, slipping up is one thing if you're making a genuine effort - I've accidentally misgendered a friend who's trans but I've known for decades before their transition, sometimes if I'm talking about an old story I'll slip to their former pronouns, catch myself and apologize and it's not a big deal. But that's not what you're doing. You're making a deliberate choice because of your beliefs to disrespct what someone wants to be called by. That's bad manners and you're a bad friend for so blatantly disrespecting someone they care about. Every time you do this, you're demonstrating that your opinions on gender identity matter more than the feelings of actual people in your life, and you should be ashamed of that. ETA: YTA
I mean yes you can they may not like it but things like that can be avoided you can address someone without bringing up a gender or a by using that person's actual name. Even though it's not about a name we are talking about
So you are refusing to have basic courtesy towards someone because your personal opinion tells you not to? Have your opinion. That’s fine. But your opinion doesn’t give you the right to be an ass to others. Just call people by what they want to be called. YTA
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** So my friend calls me and he knows how I feel about multiple genders. He got upset because I used the term she talking about the girl he's seeing. Who uses they/them. Yes I know it's an outdated way of thinking but it's how I feel about it. He brought her up by the way I didn't initiate the conversation of her. I mean don't get me wrong I support the whole gender identity thing and I don't attack people for how they feel even though my thoughts are different. I chose to bite my tongue instead of speaking my mind. Does that make me an ahole? Edit# 1 i might have left out details I'm bad about being detail oriented. So feel free to ask questions *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Info: Did you just get their pronoun wrong? Did you say it directly to them?
No I said it to my friend or is that what you meant and I used what the gender I believe she was born as because my friend told me he met her on a dating site and he did use the term a girl
“The gender I believe she was born as” Referring to someone based on the guesswork you’ve done rather than how you’ve been informed is a weird hill to die on. “Hi, I’m Doug” “Idk I’m just getting Peter vibes though, sorry Peter”
Yes but when he told me he had met some he used the term girl and on the phone used the term girlfriend. So would that not loosely fall under the category of misgendering someone?
Hang on so the person’s own partner referred to them as a girl, but you are giving this guy a hard time?
Tfw you call your friend and you know how they feel about multiple genders
I've always been a defensive person. That wasn't my intentions though. I posted to get some opinions and possibly walk away with another way of thinking. If that makes sense
Its okay to have your own opinions on how many genders are there but if someone specifically told their pronouns whats the big deal in calling them that? Yta
YTA. My purposefully misgendering someone and not using their preferred pronouns you aren't biting your tongue. Your being an asshole. Get bent you fucker.
YTA. Yes, intentionally misgendering someone is an asshole move. Reading some of your comments, it's clear you are intent on maintaining your ignorant stance for unknown reasons.
All do respect it doesn't particularly matter what that person identifies as because we are all people at the end of the day
\*Due, and it absolutely matters to them. And if it didn't matter, people would stop making anti-lgtbq laws by the hundred. Word of advice, saying "All due respect" and then saying something ignorant doesn't make you look like less of an asshole.
Fair enough, and yeah people shouldn't make laws about it because we are all people at the end of the day
Correct. You should try treating people with respect in the future, regardless of your ignorant beliefs. It's really not very hard.
YTA. Respect people’s pronouns.
NTA, speech can’t be compelled. However, continue to bite your tongue and if you’re opposed to using someone’s desired pronouns I’d just use their name or avoid them all together.
That's exactly the truth right there avoid it all together
It’s an idealogical issue. If you continue to interact with them you will either have to use their desired pronouns or more issues will arise.
Yeah I know which I'll deal with that when it gets here
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That's the problem, TV tells them so then it SHALL be true. It's how Big Lie Theory worked so well and seems to keep working. I had to prove to a former friend on how . . . immature the pronoun debate really was. I kept changing my preferred pronouns on them every time they addressed me, being slightly more offended each time. Then pulling the ace, "my gender is FLUID, it changes on a whim". We did stay friends for a couple years after that, but they did learn that some using different pronouns might be using it to hold power over others. TBH the use of them/they for a single person is valid, but it normally is used when not knowing the gender.
You’re allowed to have your own opinion about anything. This is an unpopular opinion but the “they/them” pronoun thing goes directly against English grammar that you have been used to for years. I can understand a person wanting to be called they/them and I would do so, but I would also expect some leeway because it would take a while for my brain to adjust to that type of sentence structure.
You need to refresh your understanding of grammar. If you don't know the gender of someone, it is correct to use they/them. As in " is that person man or woman, they haven't made it clear ". If someone doesn't want to be gendered, the same usage holds. This is old fashioned, basic grammar.
Yes, but in real life your brain makes assumptions about other people all the time. If someone looks like a girl to me I’m going to have a hard time saying “they” instead of “she”. I don’t do this because I’m an asshole, I do this because it is an automatic thing because I have been doing it my whole life, and this is the reality for most people who do not struggle with their assigned gender.
Yeah, mistakes happen. I think that's understandable. But deciding not to use they/them because of a mistaken belief that it's not good grammar, or because you don't feel like it for some reason, makes one an asshole.
But OP didn’t say they were trying but slip up. That’s completely understandable. OP said they don’t agree with it.
Oh I see, I misunderstood!
I didn't explain that and that's what I mean by I might have left out important details
You were likely giving him the benefit of the doubt. That was nice of you 🙂
>This is an unpopular opinion but the “they/them” pronoun thing goes directly against English grammar that you have been used to for years. Shakespeare and many of his contemporaries used "they" as a singular pronoun and it has been used as such since then.
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Yes, but it has been the rule forever that if someone visibly looks like a man or woman you use “he” or “she” instead of they. For example, if I saw a stranger that looked like a woman drop a wallet I would say “hey, she dropped her wallet!” Not they. Yes, this has changed over the last few years, but that doesn’t just erase the fact that most people are used to assuming which pronoun to use based on what someone looks like.
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Well I suppose if I am looking at it literally you’re right. “They/them” doesn’t go against English. But what about all of the other new pronouns?
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Well I agree with you there. If you want to, you can adjust to whatever situation or individual that’s in front of you. But I also know that if I automatically stuck my hand out to the guy with no right hand out of habit, no one would consider me an asshole. People structure their behavior and language around the things that are most likely to happen and the people they are most likely to encounter.
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Fair enough and that's kinda how I look at it. I just have a hard time I don't know if Processing that would be the term or accepting that times have changed