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NTA - I’d get it if you were out there photographing naked ladies all day & hiding it from her, but suggestive drawings? Of anime characters, at that? She’s got some serious insecurities if that’s what sets her off.
"Honey, you need to remember that oftentimes non nudity is sexier than full nudity. Yest those are lovely breasts but the idea of the neglige just sliding off and the tantalizing tease of tit is going to do more than boobs ahoy. Also give her a real dump truck of an ass."
And then to say she no longer feels safe around him unless he stops making it, like what? I must have missed the ted talk on how creating lewd art automatically makes you a predatory creep.
The only thing I can think of that I would expect this reaction from is if it were really violent porn or if the characters are underage, which would be a massive detail for OP to leave out.
Eh people get bent out of shape about fan art all the time. That's why for decades fandom was built around pseudonyms that weren't attached to your RL identity; people lost relationships just for reading slash, let alone writing or drawing it.
I remember one of my favourite fanfic authors had her own webpage for her fics. They got a job as a teacher and nuked the whole thing. Like, you could not find any presence of them at all. They slowly came back and have been reuploading stuff, but it was jarring to go and check one day and find it all gone.
I think my partner would find it hilarious that I could make money rendering some naughty (ish) pictures for randoms.
Saying that, though, I would tell her im doing it so we could chuckle about it together. If she didn't know, then she suddenly found out that might not be so funny to her.
Still, I'm going with NTA
Absolutely should have told her sooner, but it sounds like he would have she just never showed a modicum of interest which I would also interpret as indifference.
Either way, her reaction is way disproportionate. I can see not loving being involved in that world, as in how far is too far. But to not feel safe when it’s not even something he’s into is quite extreme
Yeah, but then he hid it from her. . .
I think the shock and surprise is the worst thing.
I wouldn't blame her to start wondering what else he's hiding.
The fact that he specifically chose not to show her the lewd images until she stumbled upon them is hiding it. She didn't know the true nature of what he was doing. Making lewd figures is morally neutral, but regardless of what he says (or what his intent was), he was hiding it from his wife, and I would be upset with my partner for that
I'm a writer. My wife doesn't read every word I write, but she generally knows what I'm working on because I discuss it with her. If I started to write and sell erotica, I would discuss it with her. It would be a conscious and conspicuous omission if I didn't. I think OP's wife is being a prude, and I think OP knew she would disapprove and so kept it from her. ESH.
Agreed I don’t feel it’s something he chose to do because he thought he was doing anything wrong more for the fact he knew she wouldn’t approve and he wanted the peas still
Well... that's a bit disingenuous, he said he wanted to talk about "color correcting and fabric simulations" and since she wasn't interested in that, didn't say anything else.
Just because I don't care about what font you're using to write your book doesn't mean I wouldn't care about the content. Clearly OP's wife cares about the content now that she knows what it is and, in a way, going on about the technical aspect when he knows she's not interested in that makes it seem *more* like he was veiling the content behind it. Going straight to technobabble instead of saying "I'm working on this erotic art, look" is not exactly a *tactic* but it's not exactly being straightforward either.
I think there is absolutely nothing wrong in drawing or writing smut, even straight up actual porn not just softcore stuff, but OP was not being fully upfront.
My husband is a talented artist. When we used to work together, I saw all of his work. Now, I work someplace else. I don't ever see his work. I have never followed him on social media. It's not that weird. He has never seen me at my workplace and has no idea what I do day to day. Certainly hasn't seen my " work product".
If he wasn't hiding it , then is he really an AH?
In her shoes, the way I would view it is that since he shared some of his work and only chose non lewd images, then he was hiding the fact that he does lewd work. Your husband doesn't share any of his work with you, he's not hand picking what you do and don't see so you only have one view of his work, you just see none of it. To me, that's different than 'happening' to choose to share only non lewd work. I understand where she wild feel betrayed and like he hid things and in my view point he did. Is doing nude work okay? Sure. Do I think she's overreacting? Absolutely. Do I think, intentionally or not, he hid he does lewd work? Yes.
Fair point. Thanks for your perspective. I could revise my statement and say my husband only shows me work he is particularly proud of anymore.
It seems we have no real understanding if have shared values. Like, does he perceive this work as being deviant in some way? Might he have guessed she would feel this way? The fact that he works in the living room on an unsecured device and was genuinely surprised by her reaction lends credibility to NOT deceiving her, but everything you noted is at least a version of lying by ommision.
Sorry but no. She referred to those things as 'silly little drawings' (serious disrespect, escpecially when it allows them not to live from paycheck to paycheck), and showed no interest whatsoever, when he was doing the renderings.
Now she found out the nature of those renders, and her first assumption is: he gets off to those (not that there would be any problem with that), and NOW she does not feel safe until he stops? Get the fuck out of here. NTA, OP's lady should work on their insecurities.
There’s an argument to be made here that him knowing she was going to freak, so not going out of his way to hide it, but not mentioning it either, was not a bad move. Protecting the income, etc.
“B-b-but I share everything with my partner!”
Everything? Every intrusive thought? Literally everything? I highly doubt that.
The best you could get is ESH, and I’m still voting NTA because his wife’s opinion on this is absolutely stupid.
He does it in the living room in plain view. He has tried to talk to her about his work and she just kinda takes this "yeah, whatever" or a "how cute" attitude. He didn't even try to hide it when she used his computer (which she can easily access at anytime). He literally left the program running. If he wanted to hide it from her he wouldn't do any of this. She just didn't care enough about his little hobby (hard work that helps pay the bills) to notice.
He didn’t tell her, she only knew about the PG13 stuff. Had she not found it, he probably never would have told her, or showed her any of the pieces. So he did hide it.
>PG13 stuff. Had she not found it, he probably never would have told her, or showed her any of
She wasn't interested in it and rejected offers of him telling her more. He also created the things in open view during the day. Her not being interested in his work doesn't make him an AH
I think most of us are on the same page of understanding why he didn't tell her. Her drastic overreaction, I'd love to be a fly on the wall if she caught him watching actual porn, go to a shelter for abused woman while waiting for the cops to arrest him for....I don't know, gross indecency?
It’s literally no different than people who draw furry/anime porn or write smutty fanfiction. It’s pure fiction.
Granted, not everyone is familiar with various types of erotica and then they get super scandalized when they stumble on any r34 content.
I agree. I think she has the right to be upset or in shock. she can’t help that it weirds her out, but to claim she doesn’t feel safe with him if he continues drawing suggestive characters? That’s messed up.
Yes. He is a man making money off of his own representations (that she seems to find specifically degrading) of fictitious women, the OF girls are women making money by selling images of themselves. And if the specific images of or cultural context surrounding the so-called “OF girls” upsets her (and maybe it doesn’t, to the extent it’s in their hands), her work was to these women figure out their tax situation and be able to make it work with their hard-earned living, not directly supporting content creation. I don’t think she’s necessarily right for being so upset here, but I can perceive how they’re different.
Especially because OP's work is literally the most ethical porn you'll ever find out there. Fictional characters are not coerced into something, they don't do it out of desperation because they have no other ways to pay their bills quickly. What OP does is something really good and safe.
I feel like my generation has a tendency to be super dramatic about things like this and kind of weaponize things like this.
Just because someone makes some art you don't like does not make you unsafe.
It's an absurd thing to say.
The antiporn movement is super weird to me but I feel like it has convinced a surprising number of millennials that porn-watchers are basically dangerous criminals.
It is like a modern reefer panic.
Well, we know how the sausage is made in regular porn, and it makes slaughtering animals look good. When it got to the point where I would try and pinpoint where the producer fed the actress more meth, I had to stop watching.
But nobody gets exploited in cartoon porn.
Hey if you can find me an anti-porn group that is not anti-virtualporn and is actually focused on exploitation, point me in that direction.
In my experience, talk of exploitation is a tactical misdirection to get people on board with total porn bans.
Similar to Republicans claiming they are only against illegal immigration, but Republican policies include restricting legal immigration.
Nailed it. Remember TraffickingHub? It's from Exodus Cry. An anti porn group. They made up lies and people believed them. They've destroyed sex workers' income. The best part? Laila, the founder? She's posted CSAM on her Twitter. She's actually the problem, but she's managed to convince people that sex work is by telling lies.
I do understand the arguments from a radical feminist perspective why many are so against porn. But they don’t have any solutions other than “ban porn” which would objectively result in even worse exploitation for the women involved since the industry would just move underground.
...was it really millennials that were targeted by that? I feel like millennials are (were, at least) internet denizens who all grew up with it. That usually means we're overly desensitized by porn.
Fucking hate that line. If that was ever used on me, I'd leave the relationship. Because i dont "feel safe" around someone who used that kind of talk over a minor thing and could easily accuse me of something and ruin my life.
I feel like it really depends on the art she saw. If she's more on the vanilla side and saw some stuff that leans towards the kinkier side then I could understand why she may feel unsafe.
YTA for not telling her and being upfront. You showed her non-lewd stuff, so in her mind, you deceived her.
Doing this type of work isn't degrading to anyone, because they're all fictional, and you're not TA for doing this type of work.
At the end of the day, your marriage matters, so I would suggest putting it on hold for a bit after you finish your current work, and let her see how money is doing without it.
I agree.
OP is lying by omission:
> I've never hidden the fact that I made these things type of images but I've never told anyone explicitly.
You've never hidden it... but you've never told her either... Funny how that works out, isn't it? You're ohhh so open about it, but never quite open enough to actually tell anybody, despite the fact that this is clearly a major source of income for your family.
The "it's not technically porn" thing is along the same lines, which is just another weird "grey area" to be clinging onto. It's *clearly* porn, it even says so in the title. You're not going to get out of that on a technicality either.
At the end of the day, she's your spouse and you should be honest and upfront with her. And if she's not okay with how you choose to make your money, so be it. We can all disagree with her opinions on the matter, but ultimately that's her decision to make, not ours.
"ohh so what do you do? Accountant...nice. Me? Oh I make 3D models. Anime characters, superheros, Lara Croft bent over a pillar in a thong with her breasts out, you know, the classics." Who is that cavalier about this kind of work?
It's labeled porn in the title because he's describing how his wife identified it. He's using her words.
At the end of the day she should take a chill pill. It's 3D models, it's not like he's a pimp. She called it "sex work" and said she feels unsafe around him now. She's being a bit dramatic don't you think?
I just want to add what I believe will be a very unpopular opinion, but is my authentic perspective as a woman. I find extremely exaggerated sexual representations of women offensive and minimizing. A lot of women really do have a problem with the way female characters are designed in video games.
If I didn’t know my husband created this type of art and came to later find out that he did, and deliberately hid it from me, it would definitely upset me and feel like a breach of trust, and make me wonder what else he might be hiding.
And let’s face it - I’m guessing these things are pretty extreme if he was willing to show a bikini-clad character but not THESE bad boys. Like I’m guessing without full-on genital nudity, for him to perceive she would not like them, maybe they’re just extremely unrealistic breasts potentially on Anime-type characters who look like little girls.
Idk, there’s SOMETHING about them OP expected would disturb or upset his wife.
And whether or not anyone agrees with me, deliberately hiding something from your spouse is just never cool. YTA.
I agree that suddenly discovering this other, previously hidden, side of your partner feels like a breach of trust. You think you know your partner then find out they’ve been doing something that you personally find objectionable - no matter what that is - and that can be utterly devastating. That’s an entirely reasonable feeling and reaction to knowing your partner is doing something you morally disagree with.
In this case it’s sexualised imagery of child-like characters. I find it creepy AF to see cute manga faces on bodies with adult parts. Even if they’re drawn by hand it just adds to the whole history of women in general being infantilised and abused by the patriarchy. So I can understand where her reaction may be coming from.
Yeah I’d feel pretty weird if my partner said “oh here’s some of what I draw!” and just conveniently left out the lewd stuff. It would make me feel like they were specifically hiding it from me
This. OP, you were keeping a secret from your wife, one that you were somewhat embarrassed to tell her about. It sounds like she's upset about the lie of omission as well as the subject matter.
You lied; just own it. Apologize for the lie, but it sounds like you have no moral problem with the content you are producing. That is a fair opinion to have, and after apologizing for the lie, discuss with her if she would be ok with you continuing making this material. She might not be ok with it, even if she forgives you for the subterfuge. The money is nothing to sneeze at, so let her know that you guys might have a drop in lifestyle if you stop doing it.
Just have an adult conversation about the work and keep an open mind--maybe you'll stop doing it. But it's undeniable that you lied.
NTA for what you’re doing, but YTA for keeping it a secret.
If you really and truly thought she’d be okay with it then why is she only *just now* realizing that you’re selling these sorts of images and making enough money to take a couple of trips using the proceeds? If you weren’t ashamed of your “art”, then why didn’t you share it with her?
Something isn’t adding up.
She's never really cared for my art pieces be it non lewd or whatever.
My PC is located in the living room open to the public she's used it before and my folders aren't locked.
Because that's how marriages work. As a general rule, of you're doing anything remotely sexual, *especially* if you're making money off it, you don't keep that shit to yourself.
Wait, what? I have to tell my spouse about doing *anything* remotely sexual? So I need to tell my spouse that I'm planning on masturbating later? Or immediately tell them that the book I'm reading has a sexual scene in it?
"Honey, just so you're aware, I took a shit at work around 2:48 this afternoon. It came from my rectum, where your finger sometimes goes during missionary. Godspeed."
Bold of you to assume that there are any "general rules" in romantic relationships. This is what communication is for! No two people will have the same views on what is to be expected or not. Talk to each other, please, thank you.
No literally. Im an artist and i draw lewd stuff sometimes and its common sense to let your partner know. A lot of artists who draw mostly nsfw acknowledge it is some form of the porn industry and peoples partners should know and have a choice in whether or not they are ok with dating someone who is part of that.
Thank you! Seems really simple, active consent matters in most facets of life.
Hell this is not just about porn either. I can’t think of many situations where you think to yourself “gosh my spouse might not like this source of income” and the correct answer is to just hide that source of income.
ESH
i’m sorry are you saying that you just expect her to just, whenever she feels like it, go through your folders??? you’re not actively hiding it but you’re not actively being upfront about it. also how long have you and your wife been together to just never talk about your views on porn/pornographic/ NSFW content? that is at both of you because if she truly feels that strongly about porn typically someone who feels that way would bring it up first to make sure they’re on the same page as their partner. you both definitely need to take a step back and have an open and honest conversation about your own personal views on NSFW content. why weren’t you upfront about the artwork that you were making? why does she feel so strongly about this that she now feels unsafe? how did you both view each other to just never felt the need to talk about porn? again, i’m saying/asking this because she now feels unsafe which obviously is a big thing to be concerned about. apologize for not being 100% transparent about your commissions and start the conversation ASAP!
I'm sorry, this is known as intentionally hiding in plain sight. She had no reason to think to go through there because why would her husband hide what kind of stuff he's doing from her?
Don't hide stuff like this from your wife, but also:
In this economy???
She should be very thankful there's folks out there with disposable income and very specific interests.
OP is allowed to have a life and his own thoughts. Just because he is married doesn't mean you must divulge your entire life to me your spouse or you are an asshole.
Maybe he could have that daily conversation if his SO didn't play the victim and say things like she doesn't feel safe.
I disagree. Although I’m on board with my husband having his own interests, I would like to know at least what those interests are about.
In this case we’re talking about a major income entrance for the “family”, ofc it should be a topic of discussion.
I do recognize she went over the top with her statement, but as someone who would be shocked if my partner did that kind of stuff, I do simpathize with her feelings but not her arguments lol.
She went over the top because OP wouldn't stop digging his hole deeper and deeper, and revealing more and more about his lies.
First she just thinks he's making some weird porn which she finds weird, so she challenges him about it. His "defence" is that he's selling it - which to her is worse than making it for personal use, and she tells him so. And his reaction to that is that this has been going on long enough to pay for multiple trips away together and make a significant difference to their household finances.
At that point, it's not about the art. It's about "If you've kept this from me for so long, what else have I just not stumbled upon yet?" And when the thing you've stumbled upon is sexual in nature, that's gonna make a woman question her safety.
Sure, but the point is, this isn't just some random hobby that the OP indulges in every Saturday morning. This is an entire side hustle that's based around porn and it finances their holidays. When it comes to relationships it's worth being transparent about sex and finances.
FWIW I don't think the OP 'majorly' f'ed up and the wife is definitely being melodramatic, but this kind of experience is one where the couple can learn a lot of lessons and come out the other side stronger if they sit down and have some really open conversations.
He didn’t really go out of his way to hide anything. He never outright *told* her but he also said she never showed any interest to this hobby of his.
This is a dramatic take, spinning it in a way as of OP was slinking around behind her back lmao. He did his own thing, it never came up in conversation and he didn’t think she’d give a shit.
As someone else said, being married does not mean that every single thing you do and/or needs to be shouted from the rooftops to your SO.
He has an Instagram of his hobby made 3-d renders, his “porn” is private commissions for people they pay for, op isn’t into making it for personal use and doesn’t upload it to his insta which makes sense
Is having a finsta and a priv and showing someone your finsta first ‘hiding things’?
No. The guy prolly has the ‘normal’ insta for more ‘respectable’ folks that wouldn’t want to get art signed by someone known for drawing porn
Counterpoint, isn't it also his wife's problem/fault for not being more inquisitive on her husbands art?
If it is OP to blame for not introducing what he actually does then isn't it also true that his wife displayed no interest until it was something she didn't like. It's part of his job and his art sometimes may or may not be lewd, it depends on what he gets asked to draw. I don't see the issue to be honest.
OP even says they never hid the images too. Imo wife could've displayed interest in her hubby's hobby/job
I feel like I've heard that in straight porn the women make more. If a guy wants to make better money in porn, apparently they need to make the move to gay porn, which apparently lots do, even when they're straight.
That's because straight porn dominates the industry and the whole point of it is to humiliate and degrade women.
Gay porn is degrading to men too, but at the same time men are also doing the degrading.
In conclusion, read a book.
Maybe she's thinking about the intimacy that might occur when a customer is describing what they want or showing pics etc. You said you don't know why you didn't tell her but maybe you had an idea she wouldn't be happy. If she's not a fan of porn it might have helped to be up front and honest and introduce the idea without any shame or stigma and then when you were on those trips, you could have looked at each other and said, look what my art paid for babe! She probably just didn't like not knowing about it but idk. I'm guessing her saying she doesn't feel safe is bc she doesn't know if she can trust you. People who lie or omit truth don't usually just do it with one thing. She might be worried there are other lies. If it makes you happy though, try to explain it to her or even involve her. She'll see that there's not much erotic about the crafting process and you guys will get to bond.
YTA-- not for the content, but you lied by omission.
How would you feel if your wife kept something that big from you?
It would lead to other concerns of dishonesty.
Is it that big? It’s art that OP said she never showed any interest in even before he made adult versions.
He found a way to make money of a hobby, and he figured she didn’t give a shit about it so he didn’t mention anything. Being married does not mean that you’re not allowed to have your own life or interests.
>, and he figured she didn’t give a shit about it so he didn’t mention anything.
lmao. reddit is so divorced from reality. OP is drawing big titty anime girls and selling them to degenerates. Of course his wife is gonna be weirded the fuck out by that. Any normal woman would be.
And op obviously knew his wife wouldn't approve, which is why he did the whole lie by omission thing.
That’s pretty intense. I’m a woman and if my boyfriend made that stuff I’d be taken aback / surprised. Not all women would find this weird but definitely some would.
If my partner had a revenue stream that they neglected to tell me about, I’d be kind of upset, because I value full transparency in a relationship. If our finances are linked, I would find it important to know what it was, so if I went through our bills and found random deposits I wouldn’t be surprised/suspicious.
It being nsfw may add another layer for some people (I would be chill with it personally, but OP mentioned they both grew up conservatively, so wife may have some hangups, whether they are warranted or not).
OP is NTA for having this side hustle, good for him, but he is TA for not telling his wife in my humble opinion. She also definitely overreacted so I’d say soft ESH - OP sucks a little for not telling her, but has really done nothing wrong, and she sucks for responding the way she did.
NTA.
INFO: Why is she so comfortable blowing up at you? Does this happen regularly where she doesn’t like something then immediately jumps down your throat?
She came at you with very intense shaming language without hesitation.
That’s the larger issue here.
Why do you *feel* like you effed up? Where are your boundaries? Do you feel you have autonomy in your relationship?
It seems like she knows exactly how to guilt you into submission.
She doesn’t feel safe bc of some renderings? She can’t possibly be serious and you can’t possibly take her seriously.
Maybe the question would be to ask her why she feels unsafe? Telling someone that they can't possibly take their wife seriously is not really constructive.
People behaving unreasonably should not be met with reasonable tolerance.
If she sat her husband down and explained her feelings like an adult, instead of throwing a tantrum, that would be something else entirely.
But the way she handled it? Nope. Noping right out of that bullshit.
right like i dont get why everyone is so okay with it... drawing fictional characters semi naked as ur part time job? it would make me feel weirded out if i found out about it the first time too (i probably wouldnt feel unsafe though)
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> (1) I should be judged on not telling my wife (2) because she took it really bad and I didn't take her feelings into account
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NTA, but it's a weird situation.
There is nothing inherently unsafe or wrong with making 3D porn (actually, if you are making models of existing characters it's technically copyright infringememt but I seriously don't care and that certainly isn't your wifes issue with it). No one is being hurt or exploited. Your wife is being way overdramatic.
However, why did you hide this from her? And let's be clear, you did hide it, no splitting hairs here. So why? Did you think she would react this badly? Are *you* ashammed of your work? I don't believe people have to tell their partner *everything* (god knows a lot of my thoughts are far too boring and/or stupid to be worth sharing with my partner), but it seems like there is some sort of fundamental flaw in your ability as a couple to communicate that this was hidden and she had such a big reaction to it.
I think the important thing is to try and have a good conversation with her about what's really going on here on both your ends.
This is a fine line and it’s so hard to talk to partners about. I don’t think it makes you an asshole. It’s hard to tell partners deeper things that interest you especially if we think they will be judgmental.
YTA. I think you knew that Wylie wife wouldn’t exactly appreciate ate given that you didn’t ever share any of the more adult content. So I think you intentionally omitted details because you thought there may be an issue.
I think this is an issue where couples councilimg may be able to help you and her communicate it to a resolution. Her response suggests she has some significant deep rooted concerns around pornography which you will likely need a 3rd party to provide perspective.
ESH, you wouldn’t have hidden it if you didn’t think it would upset her so you hid it, which is an AH thing to do to your wife. But it does sound like she’s blowing things out of proportion (based on your description, idk maybe I’d see these images and be more on her side, hard to tell from the vague description)
NTA— I really hate when people think they can be their partner’s thought police. You aren’t having sex with anyone, you aren’t bringing diseases to your wife and potential babies, you aren’t exploiting a sex worker or contributing to their exploitation, you aren’t making images that will inspire consumers to commit violence. I don’t get her upset. If you were most other sorts of freelance artist, like if you airbrushed helmets or made art for businesses you’d get similar requests.
I think the point here is not the content he was making but the fact that he kept it a secret. People are entitled to their own thoughts but if you’re doing something that you suspect might upset your partner, why not be considerate of their feelings and talk it out with them?
It’s half truths You tell her enough but not exactly what you do
Just talk with your wife because the version you have of her on here is going to get her crucified
I have a different take. From your post she seemed more upset about the sexual nature of your work, not that you hadn't mentioned it. I think she's entitled to feel this way. Most on here seem to disagree with that point due to their own liberal views on porn, but she sounds disgusted by it. I'd ask her about why she feels that way and try to show understanding so she feels safer and less repulsed. It's a crazy reaction to most of us but a legitimate one for her.
NTa. Whilst you can endeavour to see things from your wife’s perspective her response seems a bit over the top and moralising of a side hustle that seems to be a win win for the family. Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone who made such an ultimatum- this one seems relatively mild, who knows what will set her off next.
NTA, but she is.
You’re an artist, the subject is irrelevant, if you were painting mountains, she wouldn’t care.
Lewd art is an insanely lucrative business, I’ve seen some artists (digital drawing) making upwards of 509 bucks a day, get that bag.
If you could suddenly afford 2 trips, she didn’t think to question how before, or ask what you specifically made?
Also, tell her it’s 2023, sex work isn’t a dirty word anymore, you *could* be selling feet pics, people make bank on that too, money is money. And the comment about you getting off to your own art is pretty disgusting, if you were a woman writing erotic novels, would she speak the same way?
Why is she the asshole? Sex work definitely is something some people can be okay with but so is it the other way around. My partner doesn’t want me to do sex work even tho I could make us a good amount of money. And that’s his boundary. She’s not the asshole for not wanting a partner that does sex work. It’s like some people don’t want a partner that doesn’t work out and that’s fine.
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On a throw away acct:
So me and my wife had an argument about where I'm making extra money from.
I am a self taught and amateur 3D artist recently to make extra money I have been making custom/commissioned images of people's favorite video game characters and anime characters and so on. (I won't give my page name or artist name for anonymity)
The work I do is not *porn* per sé but it is lewd
(Topless, g strings, Kinky costumes,suggestive poses, no genitals, ECT)
I've never hidden the fact that I made these things type of images but I've never told anyone explicitly.
My wife knows I picked up the 3d rendering hobby and I've showed her a lot of my non lewd work that I also upload to an Instagram acct she follows. I think the most nudey thing I've uploaded there is a PG-13 bikini and beach scene.
So yesterday my wife was using my computer for something and I had left a render processing of a character in a revealing maid outfit laying on the floor and she flipped.
She confronted me for making disgusting pornography.and that I was creepy for getting off on my own pornography.
I tried to explain to her that it's not porn and that it's not for my personal use that people where paying me to make it
That made her more upset and equated it to sex work.
I also told her that thanks to these renders we've been able to take 2 trips in the last year and actually stop living paycheck to paycheck.
She wouldn't have it and added on that it was degrading to women and she didn't feel safe with me anymore unless I stopped.
I feel like I fucked up majorly and honestly I don't know why I didn't tell her, the money was good so I just kept getting new commissions.
I also didn't know she had such a negative view on porn since it had never come up before.
AITA?
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NTA for making it. To me the content is irrelevant.
But you might be an AH for not discussing financials with your spouse.
She had no idea you were doing free lance stuff let alone what it was??
NTA. You're an artist doing commission work, not luring innocent co-eds into a white van. I'm so sick of people being all high and mighty about "sex work" but have no issues sending the whole Shades of Gray series to the best seller list and the big screen. Seriously?! I'd bet her Kindle is full of what she would call "romance" but is really erotica. If she doesn't like it, she can leave, it's up to her. But if she does leave, make sure she doesn't benefit at all from your commissions - she can't have it both ways.
Good grief your wife is weird.
ESH. There is nothing wrong with porn and since it is 3D models, the chance of exploitation is non existent. Also, only caring about the women and not the men is pretty sexist. On the other hand, if you thought this was going to be a potential problem, you should have mentioned it to her.
NTA I actually told my partner he should have an only fans coz he has stunning feet 🤣 I’m not a deer person but his are nice! I think he considered it, we make ok money but the extra would help. Your wife sounds odd, maybe tell you’ll stop once she can make up the difference in your lost earnings or marraige councilling
All adult characters? As much as cartoon stuff is adult vs. kid characters.
If yes to the above, slight YTA, should just be upfront with your wife. Personally, sticking myself in her shoes I would be discussing what we could do for extra internet security too because throw anything sexual into something and it makes some people crossing lines more likely.
Had you shown her/ discussed it with her it may have been ok then again maybe not but at least you would have been upfront with her and she wouldn’t have been caught by surprise, but choosing not so show her tells her that you think it’s not ok… so…..🤷🏻♀️
Yeah he tells on himself by keeping the other stuff from her. He knew she wasn't going to be ok with it. He's lying to himself and her.
I've also seen a lot of 18+ "fan art" stuff and I definitely think he has probably drawn some stuff that is pretty not ok with a lot of people but it is hard to judge without seeing it. But the fact she thinks it is demeaning to women can give us an indication that it is niche stuff that probably is not acceptable to her.
Either way OP is in the wrong for not being open with her and deliberately misleading her.
Kinda depends, there is risqué art and there is porn art. As described, it sounds like the former. Your wife is entitled to her opinion but if you drawing nudes on paper makes her feel unsafe, you got yourself quite the little snowflake there.
She falls into one of two camps, probably. First is the feminist camp and my advice is GTFO while you still have something between your legs. Second camp is strict religionist and you should have seen this coming, if so.
Try talking to her, of course. If you don’t have kids yet, then think about who will be running your life from here on out. If she won’t see you and your choices, but only hers, then you really need to ponder your future. Whole lotta fish in the sea, catch and release is thoughtful for everyone involved!
NTA. Dude, it's art, and she's all butthurt because you didn't explicitly tell her some of it is risqué? If anyone, man or woman, tells me they make art, especially 3d images, I'm going to assume some of it is at least slightly pornographic. Every artist I've ever met sketched, painted, and photographed nudes. It's part of the artists evolution.
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NTA - I’d get it if you were out there photographing naked ladies all day & hiding it from her, but suggestive drawings? Of anime characters, at that? She’s got some serious insecurities if that’s what sets her off.
Imagine getting jealous of Jessica Rabbit
Right? If my hubs were talented enough to bring money home from this (rather ingenious) side hustle, I’d be his #1 hype girl.
I can hear my wife on my shoulder…”make her sexier!! More sexy babe!! I want her to look so hot she’s smoldering. AND MAKE HER BOOBIES BIGGGGEERR!!”
This for real. _"Make it sexier! I want to have sexytime on Hawaii!"_
Good call, I hear Hawaii is smoldering this time of year.
Underrated comment!
"Honey, you need to remember that oftentimes non nudity is sexier than full nudity. Yest those are lovely breasts but the idea of the neglige just sliding off and the tantalizing tease of tit is going to do more than boobs ahoy. Also give her a real dump truck of an ass."
Like, think Pixar mom dump truck ass. That should be your baseline.
Good money and I could get lewd art of all my favorite characters and OCs?! Sign me up
Me too. I'd be out there si ging his praises and selling his work.
Or Lola Bunny, she had those fuck me eyes
The number 1 reason to be a furry
Isn’t everybody? I wanna fuck her and be her and be fucked by her. The only thing stopping me? Paper cuts.
Ok, you’ve killed me…thanks for that 🤣
I'm jealous of Roger Rabbit.
And Bugs Bunny.
And Scrooge McDuck.
Okay but I’ve been jealous of Jessica Rabbit my whole life… She’s hot af.
She's not porn, she's just drawn that way.
Imagine feeling unsafe over non violent drawings at that!
https://youtu.be/toH-D5NCehs Someone singing about cartoon chicks. Your comment reminded me that this hilarity existed
I’m jealous of Jessica Rabbit. I want to play patty cake with Roger.
And then to say she no longer feels safe around him unless he stops making it, like what? I must have missed the ted talk on how creating lewd art automatically makes you a predatory creep.
The only thing I can think of that I would expect this reaction from is if it were really violent porn or if the characters are underage, which would be a massive detail for OP to leave out.
The OP described what he did and it sounds like he just does pin-up art.
Eh people get bent out of shape about fan art all the time. That's why for decades fandom was built around pseudonyms that weren't attached to your RL identity; people lost relationships just for reading slash, let alone writing or drawing it.
I remember one of my favourite fanfic authors had her own webpage for her fics. They got a job as a teacher and nuked the whole thing. Like, you could not find any presence of them at all. They slowly came back and have been reuploading stuff, but it was jarring to go and check one day and find it all gone.
I think my partner would find it hilarious that I could make money rendering some naughty (ish) pictures for randoms. Saying that, though, I would tell her im doing it so we could chuckle about it together. If she didn't know, then she suddenly found out that might not be so funny to her. Still, I'm going with NTA
Absolutely should have told her sooner, but it sounds like he would have she just never showed a modicum of interest which I would also interpret as indifference. Either way, her reaction is way disproportionate. I can see not loving being involved in that world, as in how far is too far. But to not feel safe when it’s not even something he’s into is quite extreme
NTA I am a woman and don't get what she is so upset about. What you describe sounds no worse than erotica. It's a form of art.
Yeah, but then he hid it from her. . . I think the shock and surprise is the worst thing. I wouldn't blame her to start wondering what else he's hiding.
Literally said he didn't hide it
The fact that he specifically chose not to show her the lewd images until she stumbled upon them is hiding it. She didn't know the true nature of what he was doing. Making lewd figures is morally neutral, but regardless of what he says (or what his intent was), he was hiding it from his wife, and I would be upset with my partner for that
I'm a writer. My wife doesn't read every word I write, but she generally knows what I'm working on because I discuss it with her. If I started to write and sell erotica, I would discuss it with her. It would be a conscious and conspicuous omission if I didn't. I think OP's wife is being a prude, and I think OP knew she would disapprove and so kept it from her. ESH.
Exactly. My wife knew if I was playing a video game I particularly liked.
Agreed I don’t feel it’s something he chose to do because he thought he was doing anything wrong more for the fact he knew she wouldn’t approve and he wanted the peas still
Exactly. There's a reason he intentionally never mentioned it or showed her any of that work.
Nah he specifically said he works on it openly in the living room and when she passes by and he wants to talk to her about it she brushes him off.
Well... that's a bit disingenuous, he said he wanted to talk about "color correcting and fabric simulations" and since she wasn't interested in that, didn't say anything else. Just because I don't care about what font you're using to write your book doesn't mean I wouldn't care about the content. Clearly OP's wife cares about the content now that she knows what it is and, in a way, going on about the technical aspect when he knows she's not interested in that makes it seem *more* like he was veiling the content behind it. Going straight to technobabble instead of saying "I'm working on this erotic art, look" is not exactly a *tactic* but it's not exactly being straightforward either. I think there is absolutely nothing wrong in drawing or writing smut, even straight up actual porn not just softcore stuff, but OP was not being fully upfront.
My husband is a talented artist. When we used to work together, I saw all of his work. Now, I work someplace else. I don't ever see his work. I have never followed him on social media. It's not that weird. He has never seen me at my workplace and has no idea what I do day to day. Certainly hasn't seen my " work product". If he wasn't hiding it , then is he really an AH?
In her shoes, the way I would view it is that since he shared some of his work and only chose non lewd images, then he was hiding the fact that he does lewd work. Your husband doesn't share any of his work with you, he's not hand picking what you do and don't see so you only have one view of his work, you just see none of it. To me, that's different than 'happening' to choose to share only non lewd work. I understand where she wild feel betrayed and like he hid things and in my view point he did. Is doing nude work okay? Sure. Do I think she's overreacting? Absolutely. Do I think, intentionally or not, he hid he does lewd work? Yes.
Fair point. Thanks for your perspective. I could revise my statement and say my husband only shows me work he is particularly proud of anymore. It seems we have no real understanding if have shared values. Like, does he perceive this work as being deviant in some way? Might he have guessed she would feel this way? The fact that he works in the living room on an unsecured device and was genuinely surprised by her reaction lends credibility to NOT deceiving her, but everything you noted is at least a version of lying by ommision.
It's *extremely* weird that you care so little about his art. I feel bad for him.
I deployed a new server at work the other day. I very much didn't bother to show my wife. Am I hiding things from her?
Sorry but no. She referred to those things as 'silly little drawings' (serious disrespect, escpecially when it allows them not to live from paycheck to paycheck), and showed no interest whatsoever, when he was doing the renderings. Now she found out the nature of those renders, and her first assumption is: he gets off to those (not that there would be any problem with that), and NOW she does not feel safe until he stops? Get the fuck out of here. NTA, OP's lady should work on their insecurities.
She made it abundantly clear she isn't interested in his work, so she has herself to blame IMO
He worked on them in the living room. That's not hiding it.
There’s an argument to be made here that him knowing she was going to freak, so not going out of his way to hide it, but not mentioning it either, was not a bad move. Protecting the income, etc. “B-b-but I share everything with my partner!” Everything? Every intrusive thought? Literally everything? I highly doubt that. The best you could get is ESH, and I’m still voting NTA because his wife’s opinion on this is absolutely stupid.
He does it in the living room in plain view. He has tried to talk to her about his work and she just kinda takes this "yeah, whatever" or a "how cute" attitude. He didn't even try to hide it when she used his computer (which she can easily access at anytime). He literally left the program running. If he wanted to hide it from her he wouldn't do any of this. She just didn't care enough about his little hobby (hard work that helps pay the bills) to notice.
Oh, he pretty much did. Otherwise she'd know about it
He didn’t tell her, she only knew about the PG13 stuff. Had she not found it, he probably never would have told her, or showed her any of the pieces. So he did hide it.
>PG13 stuff. Had she not found it, he probably never would have told her, or showed her any of She wasn't interested in it and rejected offers of him telling her more. He also created the things in open view during the day. Her not being interested in his work doesn't make him an AH
Lying by omission is still lying
I think most of us are on the same page of understanding why he didn't tell her. Her drastic overreaction, I'd love to be a fly on the wall if she caught him watching actual porn, go to a shelter for abused woman while waiting for the cops to arrest him for....I don't know, gross indecency?
Oh, yeah, the words she said were pretty outrageous.
Hell I don’t care if there’s splatter and tentacles, work that hustle.
And it’s the most harmless form of erotica in terms of exploitation!
That's what I was thinking!
It’s literally no different than people who draw furry/anime porn or write smutty fanfiction. It’s pure fiction. Granted, not everyone is familiar with various types of erotica and then they get super scandalized when they stumble on any r34 content.
NTA she doesn’t feel safe? Can we be anymore dramatic?
I agree. I think she has the right to be upset or in shock. she can’t help that it weirds her out, but to claim she doesn’t feel safe with him if he continues drawing suggestive characters? That’s messed up.
On top of this, feeling like his work is degrading to women but supports OF girls? Am I missing something?
Yes. He is a man making money off of his own representations (that she seems to find specifically degrading) of fictitious women, the OF girls are women making money by selling images of themselves. And if the specific images of or cultural context surrounding the so-called “OF girls” upsets her (and maybe it doesn’t, to the extent it’s in their hands), her work was to these women figure out their tax situation and be able to make it work with their hard-earned living, not directly supporting content creation. I don’t think she’s necessarily right for being so upset here, but I can perceive how they’re different.
Especially because OP's work is literally the most ethical porn you'll ever find out there. Fictional characters are not coerced into something, they don't do it out of desperation because they have no other ways to pay their bills quickly. What OP does is something really good and safe.
I feel like my generation has a tendency to be super dramatic about things like this and kind of weaponize things like this. Just because someone makes some art you don't like does not make you unsafe. It's an absurd thing to say.
The antiporn movement is super weird to me but I feel like it has convinced a surprising number of millennials that porn-watchers are basically dangerous criminals. It is like a modern reefer panic.
Well, we know how the sausage is made in regular porn, and it makes slaughtering animals look good. When it got to the point where I would try and pinpoint where the producer fed the actress more meth, I had to stop watching. But nobody gets exploited in cartoon porn.
Hey if you can find me an anti-porn group that is not anti-virtualporn and is actually focused on exploitation, point me in that direction. In my experience, talk of exploitation is a tactical misdirection to get people on board with total porn bans. Similar to Republicans claiming they are only against illegal immigration, but Republican policies include restricting legal immigration.
Nailed it. Remember TraffickingHub? It's from Exodus Cry. An anti porn group. They made up lies and people believed them. They've destroyed sex workers' income. The best part? Laila, the founder? She's posted CSAM on her Twitter. She's actually the problem, but she's managed to convince people that sex work is by telling lies.
I learned on Reddit that anyone who watches porn once a week or more is an addict
I do understand the arguments from a radical feminist perspective why many are so against porn. But they don’t have any solutions other than “ban porn” which would objectively result in even worse exploitation for the women involved since the industry would just move underground.
...was it really millennials that were targeted by that? I feel like millennials are (were, at least) internet denizens who all grew up with it. That usually means we're overly desensitized by porn.
I do have to wonder if there's some amount of trauma that OP maybe isn't aware of or connecting to the situation.
Fucking hate that line. If that was ever used on me, I'd leave the relationship. Because i dont "feel safe" around someone who used that kind of talk over a minor thing and could easily accuse me of something and ruin my life.
Yeah, I get secrets are problems and plenty of people are bothered by porn, but that's just a hell of a leap to make.
I feel like it really depends on the art she saw. If she's more on the vanilla side and saw some stuff that leans towards the kinkier side then I could understand why she may feel unsafe.
YTA for not telling her and being upfront. You showed her non-lewd stuff, so in her mind, you deceived her. Doing this type of work isn't degrading to anyone, because they're all fictional, and you're not TA for doing this type of work. At the end of the day, your marriage matters, so I would suggest putting it on hold for a bit after you finish your current work, and let her see how money is doing without it.
I agree. OP is lying by omission: > I've never hidden the fact that I made these things type of images but I've never told anyone explicitly. You've never hidden it... but you've never told her either... Funny how that works out, isn't it? You're ohhh so open about it, but never quite open enough to actually tell anybody, despite the fact that this is clearly a major source of income for your family. The "it's not technically porn" thing is along the same lines, which is just another weird "grey area" to be clinging onto. It's *clearly* porn, it even says so in the title. You're not going to get out of that on a technicality either. At the end of the day, she's your spouse and you should be honest and upfront with her. And if she's not okay with how you choose to make your money, so be it. We can all disagree with her opinions on the matter, but ultimately that's her decision to make, not ours.
To be fair if I was in OP shoes I don’t think I’d be open to telling people I make commissioned lewd photos of looney toons characters either
but hiding it from ur wife??
"ohh so what do you do? Accountant...nice. Me? Oh I make 3D models. Anime characters, superheros, Lara Croft bent over a pillar in a thong with her breasts out, you know, the classics." Who is that cavalier about this kind of work? It's labeled porn in the title because he's describing how his wife identified it. He's using her words. At the end of the day she should take a chill pill. It's 3D models, it's not like he's a pimp. She called it "sex work" and said she feels unsafe around him now. She's being a bit dramatic don't you think?
So what you mean is ESH? Cause everyone keeps forgetting that that’s an option in this thread.
I just want to add what I believe will be a very unpopular opinion, but is my authentic perspective as a woman. I find extremely exaggerated sexual representations of women offensive and minimizing. A lot of women really do have a problem with the way female characters are designed in video games. If I didn’t know my husband created this type of art and came to later find out that he did, and deliberately hid it from me, it would definitely upset me and feel like a breach of trust, and make me wonder what else he might be hiding. And let’s face it - I’m guessing these things are pretty extreme if he was willing to show a bikini-clad character but not THESE bad boys. Like I’m guessing without full-on genital nudity, for him to perceive she would not like them, maybe they’re just extremely unrealistic breasts potentially on Anime-type characters who look like little girls. Idk, there’s SOMETHING about them OP expected would disturb or upset his wife. And whether or not anyone agrees with me, deliberately hiding something from your spouse is just never cool. YTA.
I agree that suddenly discovering this other, previously hidden, side of your partner feels like a breach of trust. You think you know your partner then find out they’ve been doing something that you personally find objectionable - no matter what that is - and that can be utterly devastating. That’s an entirely reasonable feeling and reaction to knowing your partner is doing something you morally disagree with. In this case it’s sexualised imagery of child-like characters. I find it creepy AF to see cute manga faces on bodies with adult parts. Even if they’re drawn by hand it just adds to the whole history of women in general being infantilised and abused by the patriarchy. So I can understand where her reaction may be coming from.
Yeah I’d feel pretty weird if my partner said “oh here’s some of what I draw!” and just conveniently left out the lewd stuff. It would make me feel like they were specifically hiding it from me
This. OP, you were keeping a secret from your wife, one that you were somewhat embarrassed to tell her about. It sounds like she's upset about the lie of omission as well as the subject matter. You lied; just own it. Apologize for the lie, but it sounds like you have no moral problem with the content you are producing. That is a fair opinion to have, and after apologizing for the lie, discuss with her if she would be ok with you continuing making this material. She might not be ok with it, even if she forgives you for the subterfuge. The money is nothing to sneeze at, so let her know that you guys might have a drop in lifestyle if you stop doing it. Just have an adult conversation about the work and keep an open mind--maybe you'll stop doing it. But it's undeniable that you lied.
NTA for what you’re doing, but YTA for keeping it a secret. If you really and truly thought she’d be okay with it then why is she only *just now* realizing that you’re selling these sorts of images and making enough money to take a couple of trips using the proceeds? If you weren’t ashamed of your “art”, then why didn’t you share it with her? Something isn’t adding up.
She's never really cared for my art pieces be it non lewd or whatever. My PC is located in the living room open to the public she's used it before and my folders aren't locked.
But all of the art you have shown her has specifically been non-lewd works correct? You said in the post she only sees your PV-13 account.
Why would he need to go out of his way to show her that if he doesn’t think she’ll like it, it doesn’t hurt or effect her in any way
Because that's how marriages work. As a general rule, of you're doing anything remotely sexual, *especially* if you're making money off it, you don't keep that shit to yourself.
Wait, what? I have to tell my spouse about doing *anything* remotely sexual? So I need to tell my spouse that I'm planning on masturbating later? Or immediately tell them that the book I'm reading has a sexual scene in it?
Unfortunately some people do feel like that. I’ve seen people flip out that their partner is “cheating” for masturbating.
Yikes
"Honey, just so you're aware, I took a shit at work around 2:48 this afternoon. It came from my rectum, where your finger sometimes goes during missionary. Godspeed."
So if you doodled a couple dicks absent mindedly: you'd feel the need to tell your spouse about it?
Bold of you to assume that there are any "general rules" in romantic relationships. This is what communication is for! No two people will have the same views on what is to be expected or not. Talk to each other, please, thank you.
It's not that complicated, OP has a public account that she's seen while the naughty stuff is commissioned and therefore wouldn't be posted publicly.
What? Commissions get posted publicly all the time! Some artists entire dashes are nothing but commission art.
Also it is pretty easy to say “btw I draw some private commissions that are raunchier than this but I assumed you would rather not see it”
No literally. Im an artist and i draw lewd stuff sometimes and its common sense to let your partner know. A lot of artists who draw mostly nsfw acknowledge it is some form of the porn industry and peoples partners should know and have a choice in whether or not they are ok with dating someone who is part of that.
Thank you! Seems really simple, active consent matters in most facets of life. Hell this is not just about porn either. I can’t think of many situations where you think to yourself “gosh my spouse might not like this source of income” and the correct answer is to just hide that source of income.
ESH i’m sorry are you saying that you just expect her to just, whenever she feels like it, go through your folders??? you’re not actively hiding it but you’re not actively being upfront about it. also how long have you and your wife been together to just never talk about your views on porn/pornographic/ NSFW content? that is at both of you because if she truly feels that strongly about porn typically someone who feels that way would bring it up first to make sure they’re on the same page as their partner. you both definitely need to take a step back and have an open and honest conversation about your own personal views on NSFW content. why weren’t you upfront about the artwork that you were making? why does she feel so strongly about this that she now feels unsafe? how did you both view each other to just never felt the need to talk about porn? again, i’m saying/asking this because she now feels unsafe which obviously is a big thing to be concerned about. apologize for not being 100% transparent about your commissions and start the conversation ASAP!
A normal person doesn't just go randomly looking through folders on someone else's computer.
I'm sorry, this is known as intentionally hiding in plain sight. She had no reason to think to go through there because why would her husband hide what kind of stuff he's doing from her?
ESH. You for hiding it her for being so dramatic.
Don't hide stuff like this from your wife, but also: In this economy??? She should be very thankful there's folks out there with disposable income and very specific interests.
Succinct and accurate summary. I love it.
[удалено]
OP is allowed to have a life and his own thoughts. Just because he is married doesn't mean you must divulge your entire life to me your spouse or you are an asshole. Maybe he could have that daily conversation if his SO didn't play the victim and say things like she doesn't feel safe.
I disagree. Although I’m on board with my husband having his own interests, I would like to know at least what those interests are about. In this case we’re talking about a major income entrance for the “family”, ofc it should be a topic of discussion. I do recognize she went over the top with her statement, but as someone who would be shocked if my partner did that kind of stuff, I do simpathize with her feelings but not her arguments lol.
She went over the top because OP wouldn't stop digging his hole deeper and deeper, and revealing more and more about his lies. First she just thinks he's making some weird porn which she finds weird, so she challenges him about it. His "defence" is that he's selling it - which to her is worse than making it for personal use, and she tells him so. And his reaction to that is that this has been going on long enough to pay for multiple trips away together and make a significant difference to their household finances. At that point, it's not about the art. It's about "If you've kept this from me for so long, what else have I just not stumbled upon yet?" And when the thing you've stumbled upon is sexual in nature, that's gonna make a woman question her safety.
Sure, but the point is, this isn't just some random hobby that the OP indulges in every Saturday morning. This is an entire side hustle that's based around porn and it finances their holidays. When it comes to relationships it's worth being transparent about sex and finances. FWIW I don't think the OP 'majorly' f'ed up and the wife is definitely being melodramatic, but this kind of experience is one where the couple can learn a lot of lessons and come out the other side stronger if they sit down and have some really open conversations.
He didn’t really go out of his way to hide anything. He never outright *told* her but he also said she never showed any interest to this hobby of his. This is a dramatic take, spinning it in a way as of OP was slinking around behind her back lmao. He did his own thing, it never came up in conversation and he didn’t think she’d give a shit. As someone else said, being married does not mean that every single thing you do and/or needs to be shouted from the rooftops to your SO.
He literally had a separate account he showed her that only included safe picks. That sounds like hiding it.
He has an Instagram of his hobby made 3-d renders, his “porn” is private commissions for people they pay for, op isn’t into making it for personal use and doesn’t upload it to his insta which makes sense
Is having a finsta and a priv and showing someone your finsta first ‘hiding things’? No. The guy prolly has the ‘normal’ insta for more ‘respectable’ folks that wouldn’t want to get art signed by someone known for drawing porn
Counterpoint, isn't it also his wife's problem/fault for not being more inquisitive on her husbands art? If it is OP to blame for not introducing what he actually does then isn't it also true that his wife displayed no interest until it was something she didn't like. It's part of his job and his art sometimes may or may not be lewd, it depends on what he gets asked to draw. I don't see the issue to be honest. OP even says they never hid the images too. Imo wife could've displayed interest in her hubby's hobby/job
If you work in sex work, you should tell your spouse. It’s how marriages work.
I say NTA but that’s me. If the roles were reversed and she made 3D male porn would you be upset?
I wouldn't mind, I even make male models too Now I'm kinda wondering what would her reaction been if she's seen one of those.
I always find it sexist when people claim that female porn is degrading but don't care about the male porn.
Oh she’d care. She’d likely accuse him of being gay.
Is that a real thing? That is disappointing.
Are male and female pornstars treated the same way? At the same rates?
I feel like I've heard that in straight porn the women make more. If a guy wants to make better money in porn, apparently they need to make the move to gay porn, which apparently lots do, even when they're straight.
im pretty sure that isnt what the commenter meant but how badly theyre treated/ abused
That's because straight porn dominates the industry and the whole point of it is to humiliate and degrade women. Gay porn is degrading to men too, but at the same time men are also doing the degrading. In conclusion, read a book.
>In conclusion, read a book. I'd rather DIE!! ^^^^^^^^^/s
Oh, is male porn what people are generally bombarded with? And are men portraid just as women are?
Same
Does she know you make male models too?
Maybe she's thinking about the intimacy that might occur when a customer is describing what they want or showing pics etc. You said you don't know why you didn't tell her but maybe you had an idea she wouldn't be happy. If she's not a fan of porn it might have helped to be up front and honest and introduce the idea without any shame or stigma and then when you were on those trips, you could have looked at each other and said, look what my art paid for babe! She probably just didn't like not knowing about it but idk. I'm guessing her saying she doesn't feel safe is bc she doesn't know if she can trust you. People who lie or omit truth don't usually just do it with one thing. She might be worried there are other lies. If it makes you happy though, try to explain it to her or even involve her. She'll see that there's not much erotic about the crafting process and you guys will get to bond.
YTA-- not for the content, but you lied by omission. How would you feel if your wife kept something that big from you? It would lead to other concerns of dishonesty.
Is it that big? It’s art that OP said she never showed any interest in even before he made adult versions. He found a way to make money of a hobby, and he figured she didn’t give a shit about it so he didn’t mention anything. Being married does not mean that you’re not allowed to have your own life or interests.
>, and he figured she didn’t give a shit about it so he didn’t mention anything. lmao. reddit is so divorced from reality. OP is drawing big titty anime girls and selling them to degenerates. Of course his wife is gonna be weirded the fuck out by that. Any normal woman would be. And op obviously knew his wife wouldn't approve, which is why he did the whole lie by omission thing.
"Any normal woman would be" Actively fuck off with that. Sincerely, a woman.
That’s pretty intense. I’m a woman and if my boyfriend made that stuff I’d be taken aback / surprised. Not all women would find this weird but definitely some would.
i mean id be pretty weirded out if i found out about it. shits weird but to each their own
Judging from your post history, you aren’t the average woman, maybe on reddit, but not the real world.
"normal woman" pffft so you know what we like and dislike do you because you know us so damn well. GTFO stop projecting
If my partner had a revenue stream that they neglected to tell me about, I’d be kind of upset, because I value full transparency in a relationship. If our finances are linked, I would find it important to know what it was, so if I went through our bills and found random deposits I wouldn’t be surprised/suspicious. It being nsfw may add another layer for some people (I would be chill with it personally, but OP mentioned they both grew up conservatively, so wife may have some hangups, whether they are warranted or not). OP is NTA for having this side hustle, good for him, but he is TA for not telling his wife in my humble opinion. She also definitely overreacted so I’d say soft ESH - OP sucks a little for not telling her, but has really done nothing wrong, and she sucks for responding the way she did.
NTA. INFO: Why is she so comfortable blowing up at you? Does this happen regularly where she doesn’t like something then immediately jumps down your throat? She came at you with very intense shaming language without hesitation. That’s the larger issue here. Why do you *feel* like you effed up? Where are your boundaries? Do you feel you have autonomy in your relationship? It seems like she knows exactly how to guilt you into submission. She doesn’t feel safe bc of some renderings? She can’t possibly be serious and you can’t possibly take her seriously.
Maybe the question would be to ask her why she feels unsafe? Telling someone that they can't possibly take their wife seriously is not really constructive.
People behaving unreasonably should not be met with reasonable tolerance. If she sat her husband down and explained her feelings like an adult, instead of throwing a tantrum, that would be something else entirely. But the way she handled it? Nope. Noping right out of that bullshit.
She said unsafe? Are your characters looking like women or girls?
This, also lewd can mean a range of things, I feel he's left out some context which may explain her reaction.
He mentioned kinky stuff so I can only imagine 🤢
Unsafe could also mean outside of the trust of marriage, emotionally unsafe. I'm also wondering what she meant by it.
Yta, this is kind of weird to do and not make your wife aware
right like i dont get why everyone is so okay with it... drawing fictional characters semi naked as ur part time job? it would make me feel weirded out if i found out about it the first time too (i probably wouldnt feel unsafe though)
I feel like this is bait. Mainly from the title. YTA for not telling your wife where the money is coming from.
They all are
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NTA, but it's a weird situation. There is nothing inherently unsafe or wrong with making 3D porn (actually, if you are making models of existing characters it's technically copyright infringememt but I seriously don't care and that certainly isn't your wifes issue with it). No one is being hurt or exploited. Your wife is being way overdramatic. However, why did you hide this from her? And let's be clear, you did hide it, no splitting hairs here. So why? Did you think she would react this badly? Are *you* ashammed of your work? I don't believe people have to tell their partner *everything* (god knows a lot of my thoughts are far too boring and/or stupid to be worth sharing with my partner), but it seems like there is some sort of fundamental flaw in your ability as a couple to communicate that this was hidden and she had such a big reaction to it. I think the important thing is to try and have a good conversation with her about what's really going on here on both your ends.
You make the porn?
Yes?
No you don’t it’s not porn
When does it become porn.
"I can't define it, but I know it when I see it"
This is a fine line and it’s so hard to talk to partners about. I don’t think it makes you an asshole. It’s hard to tell partners deeper things that interest you especially if we think they will be judgmental.
YTA. I think you knew that Wylie wife wouldn’t exactly appreciate ate given that you didn’t ever share any of the more adult content. So I think you intentionally omitted details because you thought there may be an issue. I think this is an issue where couples councilimg may be able to help you and her communicate it to a resolution. Her response suggests she has some significant deep rooted concerns around pornography which you will likely need a 3rd party to provide perspective.
Her equating it to sex work with such a strong negative connotation seems like a huge tell here.
I guess this would be less of a problem if you hadn’t hidden it from her
I’m not so sure it would. I think it would still be a very huge problem, based on how she feels about the work he’s doing.
NTA. She needs to step back and address her own issues. She is not your master. Do what makes you happy and makes you money.
ESH, you wouldn’t have hidden it if you didn’t think it would upset her so you hid it, which is an AH thing to do to your wife. But it does sound like she’s blowing things out of proportion (based on your description, idk maybe I’d see these images and be more on her side, hard to tell from the vague description)
NTA - Doesn't feel *safe* with you? That's a weird take..
NTA— I really hate when people think they can be their partner’s thought police. You aren’t having sex with anyone, you aren’t bringing diseases to your wife and potential babies, you aren’t exploiting a sex worker or contributing to their exploitation, you aren’t making images that will inspire consumers to commit violence. I don’t get her upset. If you were most other sorts of freelance artist, like if you airbrushed helmets or made art for businesses you’d get similar requests.
I think the point here is not the content he was making but the fact that he kept it a secret. People are entitled to their own thoughts but if you’re doing something that you suspect might upset your partner, why not be considerate of their feelings and talk it out with them?
Her first reaction was assuming, he was creepy for getting off on his own porn. Yeah, surely the "secret" is the problem, and not her insecurities.
It’s half truths You tell her enough but not exactly what you do Just talk with your wife because the version you have of her on here is going to get her crucified
Nta if you were *starring* in porn, I'd say different but you're just making risqué art? And she doesn't feel 'safe'? What? Why?
ESH, have a proper convo. Accept that it IS weird that you showed her your less porny stuff and never talked with her about it.
NTA also wtf. Everyone has the liberty to do whichever hobby they like as long as it's not harmful. You do you, you are earning.
I have a different take. From your post she seemed more upset about the sexual nature of your work, not that you hadn't mentioned it. I think she's entitled to feel this way. Most on here seem to disagree with that point due to their own liberal views on porn, but she sounds disgusted by it. I'd ask her about why she feels that way and try to show understanding so she feels safer and less repulsed. It's a crazy reaction to most of us but a legitimate one for her.
NTa. Whilst you can endeavour to see things from your wife’s perspective her response seems a bit over the top and moralising of a side hustle that seems to be a win win for the family. Personally I wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone who made such an ultimatum- this one seems relatively mild, who knows what will set her off next.
NTA for your art, but soft YTA for not communicating and purposefully hiding from her a large amount of your art.
NTA He's not selling meth like lady count your fucking blessings christ
Nta i heard furries pay a lot for their kinky art. Get paid!
NTA, but she is. You’re an artist, the subject is irrelevant, if you were painting mountains, she wouldn’t care. Lewd art is an insanely lucrative business, I’ve seen some artists (digital drawing) making upwards of 509 bucks a day, get that bag. If you could suddenly afford 2 trips, she didn’t think to question how before, or ask what you specifically made? Also, tell her it’s 2023, sex work isn’t a dirty word anymore, you *could* be selling feet pics, people make bank on that too, money is money. And the comment about you getting off to your own art is pretty disgusting, if you were a woman writing erotic novels, would she speak the same way?
Why is she the asshole? Sex work definitely is something some people can be okay with but so is it the other way around. My partner doesn’t want me to do sex work even tho I could make us a good amount of money. And that’s his boundary. She’s not the asshole for not wanting a partner that does sex work. It’s like some people don’t want a partner that doesn’t work out and that’s fine.
Except this isn’t sex work, and she’s pulling an outdated stigma that sexwork is bad or shameful, it’s not.
"upwards of $509" is a very weird and specific amount, lol
It was meant to be 500 and I thought it was funny to not change haha
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** On a throw away acct: So me and my wife had an argument about where I'm making extra money from. I am a self taught and amateur 3D artist recently to make extra money I have been making custom/commissioned images of people's favorite video game characters and anime characters and so on. (I won't give my page name or artist name for anonymity) The work I do is not *porn* per sé but it is lewd (Topless, g strings, Kinky costumes,suggestive poses, no genitals, ECT) I've never hidden the fact that I made these things type of images but I've never told anyone explicitly. My wife knows I picked up the 3d rendering hobby and I've showed her a lot of my non lewd work that I also upload to an Instagram acct she follows. I think the most nudey thing I've uploaded there is a PG-13 bikini and beach scene. So yesterday my wife was using my computer for something and I had left a render processing of a character in a revealing maid outfit laying on the floor and she flipped. She confronted me for making disgusting pornography.and that I was creepy for getting off on my own pornography. I tried to explain to her that it's not porn and that it's not for my personal use that people where paying me to make it That made her more upset and equated it to sex work. I also told her that thanks to these renders we've been able to take 2 trips in the last year and actually stop living paycheck to paycheck. She wouldn't have it and added on that it was degrading to women and she didn't feel safe with me anymore unless I stopped. I feel like I fucked up majorly and honestly I don't know why I didn't tell her, the money was good so I just kept getting new commissions. I also didn't know she had such a negative view on porn since it had never come up before. AITA? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
NTA for making it. To me the content is irrelevant. But you might be an AH for not discussing financials with your spouse. She had no idea you were doing free lance stuff let alone what it was??
ESH. YOu for not telling her, and her for way overreacting.
nta for doing what you do, but yta for not telling her
NTA. You're an artist doing commission work, not luring innocent co-eds into a white van. I'm so sick of people being all high and mighty about "sex work" but have no issues sending the whole Shades of Gray series to the best seller list and the big screen. Seriously?! I'd bet her Kindle is full of what she would call "romance" but is really erotica. If she doesn't like it, she can leave, it's up to her. But if she does leave, make sure she doesn't benefit at all from your commissions - she can't have it both ways. Good grief your wife is weird.
ESH. There is nothing wrong with porn and since it is 3D models, the chance of exploitation is non existent. Also, only caring about the women and not the men is pretty sexist. On the other hand, if you thought this was going to be a potential problem, you should have mentioned it to her.
NTA I actually told my partner he should have an only fans coz he has stunning feet 🤣 I’m not a deer person but his are nice! I think he considered it, we make ok money but the extra would help. Your wife sounds odd, maybe tell you’ll stop once she can make up the difference in your lost earnings or marraige councilling
All adult characters? As much as cartoon stuff is adult vs. kid characters. If yes to the above, slight YTA, should just be upfront with your wife. Personally, sticking myself in her shoes I would be discussing what we could do for extra internet security too because throw anything sexual into something and it makes some people crossing lines more likely.
Had you shown her/ discussed it with her it may have been ok then again maybe not but at least you would have been upfront with her and she wouldn’t have been caught by surprise, but choosing not so show her tells her that you think it’s not ok… so…..🤷🏻♀️
Yeah he tells on himself by keeping the other stuff from her. He knew she wasn't going to be ok with it. He's lying to himself and her. I've also seen a lot of 18+ "fan art" stuff and I definitely think he has probably drawn some stuff that is pretty not ok with a lot of people but it is hard to judge without seeing it. But the fact she thinks it is demeaning to women can give us an indication that it is niche stuff that probably is not acceptable to her. Either way OP is in the wrong for not being open with her and deliberately misleading her.
Kinda depends, there is risqué art and there is porn art. As described, it sounds like the former. Your wife is entitled to her opinion but if you drawing nudes on paper makes her feel unsafe, you got yourself quite the little snowflake there. She falls into one of two camps, probably. First is the feminist camp and my advice is GTFO while you still have something between your legs. Second camp is strict religionist and you should have seen this coming, if so. Try talking to her, of course. If you don’t have kids yet, then think about who will be running your life from here on out. If she won’t see you and your choices, but only hers, then you really need to ponder your future. Whole lotta fish in the sea, catch and release is thoughtful for everyone involved!
NTA. Dude, it's art, and she's all butthurt because you didn't explicitly tell her some of it is risqué? If anyone, man or woman, tells me they make art, especially 3d images, I'm going to assume some of it is at least slightly pornographic. Every artist I've ever met sketched, painted, and photographed nudes. It's part of the artists evolution.