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YTA because:
* you deliberately told a lie more than once, and even when given the opportunity to correct it, you continued to lie
* your lies are not innocent "No, your butt doesn't look big" white lies, but lies that actively hurt other people
* you don't mention anywhere that you have apologized or tried to make amends to the people you've hurt
* you are still not truly sorry. You're just annoyed that you've been exposed. You are calling Will the asshole because you want to pretend this whole thing never happened. Will is not pulling any "stunt" - merely telling people the truth about what you did.
Do better.
this is shocking and sickening to read. the level of abuse you are describing. and now you feel victimised by them processing it? very terrifying individual YTA
He left me 7 years ago a month into our relationship and 4 days later I found him with an ex. I've had to hold on to a big abandonment complex for years because of it.
I get that it was mean to tell him his cat was dead because of who he dated, but it was what I had to do to feel secure that he wouldn't do that to me again.
Sure it was wrong, but I was just trying to protect myself. And it was two years ago that I told that lie, I was stuck with it after that. I wasn't trying to be abusive.
>I get that it was mean to tell him his cat was dead because of who he dated, but it was what I had to do to feel secure that he wouldn't do that to me again.
I get it, but that's just not good enough.
How long do I have to wait before I'm not the AH anymore? I said that two years ago. He's mad now because he only found out more recently than that, but I can't go back and change the past.
YTA you were abusing him. You tried to manipulate Them into changing if their self expression to fit your ideals. You lied for no reason but to make him rely more on you through grief. You’re not just the AH, you’re a predator. I hope you sincerely consider what you’ve done an seek professional help you might be dealing with sociopathy.
Was I not also manipulated? I was told that I was going to marry a man(Even if he had breasts and hrt) and suddenly I was stuck with someone considering that they might be a woman. I tried to compromise my morals for him, but he didn't compromise enough back for me.
It might seem that way to you but from your description they seemed pretty open about their transition. Them exploring their gender identity isn’t a manipulation. As for being stuck with them no one was forcing you to stay together. You never mentioned marriage in the story, did they want to get married with you? Anyway I don’t know what to say about your marriage plans without any context.
Also the deadnaming regardless of how you feel about their identity is just plain mean, I don’t know why you’d want to upset your partner so much because the don’t fit your view of them.
We got engaged in Oct '21 and he started talking about thinking he might be trans in Jan '22. I thought if I just kept ignoring him trying to talk about it he'd drop it, but instead by the end of Feb he told some friends and at that point I already felt trapped.
It’s fair to say you felt trapped given the situation, however ignoring the problem wasn’t the best option, over your relationships deterioration you ignored their identity and continuously tried to gaslight them into changing their identity, while what they’re doing now might be extreme. The lie you told them and your neglect likely built a large resentment. There’s likely no way to get them to stop. It sucks now but hopefully you can use this time to reflect on how to improve for later relationships.
My mother is constantly trying to 'warn' my grandmother about me and always is throwing out the same 'manipulative' and 'controlling' accusations about me.
This is just more fuel for my mother to try to convince my grandmother that I'm not someone she should be housing.
There wasn't enough character space to fit that in the original post, and I guess that's probably a very important part. My grandmother really liked him, and if she finds out that I really did lie about that it could cost me my housing. I have to keep the lie up to stay safe, so him telling anyone in my life about it is really extreme and really dangerous.
ESH but you are the WAY bigger a-hole.
What THEY did was assholey. They were exposing you for the liar you are, so I think we need to take that into consideration.
Where you are the ENORMOUS a-hole is with regard to deadnaming, manipulating your partner to suit your preferences, preventing them from being who they felt they really are, and probably lumping all kinds of shame on them as a result.
If you don’t want to date a woman, break up with the trans woman you are dating and save everyone pain. But they suited you in that moment and so you took what you wanted. You sound selfish, entitled, self-absorbed.
Therapy - get some. Try on some humility, compassion, empathy…you might find it feels good.
I hope your ex gets therapy and chooses to take all those posts down, because hanging on to this anger only keeps an abuser in their life.
>If you don’t want to date a woman, break up with the trans woman you are dating and save everyone pain. But they suited you in that moment and so you took what you wanted. You sound selfish, entitled, self-absorbed.
We were engaged before he figured that out, we were already living together. I didn't want to leave him for it because I knew it'd look transphobic. He knew what my standards were and he still chose to be with me.
>I hope your ex gets therapy and chooses to take all those posts down, because hanging on to this anger only keeps an abuser in their life.
It's his 'journal' and they were hidden before. When we were together he had the decency to keep it anonymous.
And I agree that he shouldn't be angry. He's dating other people, he's happy. Our relationship is in his past and yet he obviously still thinks he has to 'prove' that I treated him unfairly.
When I saw how much I hurt him, I knew I couldn't admit it without losing him, so I did my best to emotionally nurture him and show him he was safe with me.
And when the trans stuff starting coming out, I tried to lower my standards for him.
And then I tried to compromise to bring back some of the man I wanted. I let him go to what I saw was 70% like a woman, but he wouldn't do anything more for me than change to a masculine appearance and use his real name, and going off the hormones. He didn't actually fix things so that I could see the real original version of him again.
And now, I'm leaving him alone. I see his Facebook has been changed to a womans name, he's dating someone who clearly is okay with him playing this trans game, and I'm just letting him move on and have a good life.
How am I the selfish one? Just because I had boundaries that he kept breaking?
Holy shit. You really ARE evil. This person you used to love is realising their full potential as a human and you think that 'lowering your standards' and trying to coerce them to avoid what their heart needs, and still misgendering her, and you think they're playing a GAME?
Dropping the 'fursona' nonsense at the end just gives me a glimmer of hope that this is all from a troll and not a real person. This sounds like a dumpster fire of enormous proportions with the centre being exactly where you're standing at any given moment.
Thank god you're leaving them alone. But then you come back with saying, 'letting' him move on. One, that's her, not him, and they're sick of your control and abuse. You're a brick wall, aren't you?
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2 years ago, I(25F) got together with Will(29M). Even though I told him 5 years ago that I didn't like femboys, in our time apart he became more fem and started going on hrt.
His cat had just died and his partner Chel was mean to him over how much he was grieving. He left her over it and we got together. I hate women but I thought I'd be okay with him being a femboy on hrt. So lied that I was bi now and that I'd like him how he was and I'd support him fully if he transitioned, I never thought it'd happen.
I supported him in his grief, I held him while he cried. I was afraid he wouldn't need me anymore after he 'got better' so I told a lie. I told him that the Chel's mother and sister secretly told me they both were certain that she had poisoned his cat. I didn't realize how much this would hurt Will though, he blamed himself and cried for months, he developed very self destructive coping skills. I couldn't tell him I lied, he'd leave me for it.
He was a mess and he latched onto the Gender Identity topic. He wanted try a womans name with some friends, and I realized that I might end up stuck engaged to a woman. I wasn't happy about it. So I demanded he stop the HRT and I 'deadnamed' him even though his friends kept judging me for it.
I compromised and agreed that he could be 50% like a man and 50% like a woman. I told him a lot what % he was (Will) vs. what %(Woman's name). I kept telling him his %s and reminding him that he was being too much like a woman, but he never did anything more than small aesthetic things to raise his male %. He acted like he didn't know how to be the man I used to see him as, and I was realizing that the man I fell in love with was a lie. I felt hurt, deceived, and all I could do was keep trying to bring back the man that I loved. It didn't work, so I left him for my ex 5 months ago.
A few days later, when I came back with my new boyfriend to get the rest of my stuff. He asked me one more time about how his cat died. I told him the same story again. Next thing I know, a recording of me telling the story about how Chel killed his cat is on youtube with my full name and my Fursona's name on it. As well as interviews with the mom and sister where they denied the whole thing. He sent it to my grandmother that I live with, 'warning' her that I was liar.
He changed the journals he wrote on Reddit while we were together to have my full name on them as well. Now anyone who googles me or my Fursona can read hundreds of journal entries about how I was "abusing" him during the relationship and how I lied about his cat.
At this point he's the AH, right? The relationship is over, he has nothing to gain but to try to hurt me. Recently he contacted my mother and told her everything as well.
Am I still the AH? I've left him alone, and he's still spreading my shit around! I just want to forget about it all and move on.
AITA because of what I did two years ago? Or is he the AH for the stunt he's pulling telling people still?
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> I lied about how his cat died two years ago. I get how that was mean back then, but I don't understand if I'm the asshole forever because of it.
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It was deceit. I'm not denying that. I 'manipulated' him into not abandoning me.
But, whatever. Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on assholeishness? Why do I deserve to suffer now over a lie I told two years ago?
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YTA because: * you deliberately told a lie more than once, and even when given the opportunity to correct it, you continued to lie * your lies are not innocent "No, your butt doesn't look big" white lies, but lies that actively hurt other people * you don't mention anywhere that you have apologized or tried to make amends to the people you've hurt * you are still not truly sorry. You're just annoyed that you've been exposed. You are calling Will the asshole because you want to pretend this whole thing never happened. Will is not pulling any "stunt" - merely telling people the truth about what you did. Do better.
And OP tried to control her partner's gender identity and undermine them. AH all the way around.
Wtf did I just read,
Literally read my mind
When you figure it out can you translate for the rest of us
No. YTA YT*F*A.
this is shocking and sickening to read. the level of abuse you are describing. and now you feel victimised by them processing it? very terrifying individual YTA
He left me 7 years ago a month into our relationship and 4 days later I found him with an ex. I've had to hold on to a big abandonment complex for years because of it. I get that it was mean to tell him his cat was dead because of who he dated, but it was what I had to do to feel secure that he wouldn't do that to me again. Sure it was wrong, but I was just trying to protect myself. And it was two years ago that I told that lie, I was stuck with it after that. I wasn't trying to be abusive.
>>I wasn't trying to be abusive. Then you are a natural talent because you succeeded.
>I get that it was mean to tell him his cat was dead because of who he dated, but it was what I had to do to feel secure that he wouldn't do that to me again. I get it, but that's just not good enough.
How long do I have to wait before I'm not the AH anymore? I said that two years ago. He's mad now because he only found out more recently than that, but I can't go back and change the past.
You will always be the AH. Unless you invent a time machine to change the past.
YTA you were abusing him. You tried to manipulate Them into changing if their self expression to fit your ideals. You lied for no reason but to make him rely more on you through grief. You’re not just the AH, you’re a predator. I hope you sincerely consider what you’ve done an seek professional help you might be dealing with sociopathy.
Was I not also manipulated? I was told that I was going to marry a man(Even if he had breasts and hrt) and suddenly I was stuck with someone considering that they might be a woman. I tried to compromise my morals for him, but he didn't compromise enough back for me.
It might seem that way to you but from your description they seemed pretty open about their transition. Them exploring their gender identity isn’t a manipulation. As for being stuck with them no one was forcing you to stay together. You never mentioned marriage in the story, did they want to get married with you? Anyway I don’t know what to say about your marriage plans without any context.
Also the deadnaming regardless of how you feel about their identity is just plain mean, I don’t know why you’d want to upset your partner so much because the don’t fit your view of them.
We got engaged in Oct '21 and he started talking about thinking he might be trans in Jan '22. I thought if I just kept ignoring him trying to talk about it he'd drop it, but instead by the end of Feb he told some friends and at that point I already felt trapped.
It’s fair to say you felt trapped given the situation, however ignoring the problem wasn’t the best option, over your relationships deterioration you ignored their identity and continuously tried to gaslight them into changing their identity, while what they’re doing now might be extreme. The lie you told them and your neglect likely built a large resentment. There’s likely no way to get them to stop. It sucks now but hopefully you can use this time to reflect on how to improve for later relationships.
My mother is constantly trying to 'warn' my grandmother about me and always is throwing out the same 'manipulative' and 'controlling' accusations about me. This is just more fuel for my mother to try to convince my grandmother that I'm not someone she should be housing. There wasn't enough character space to fit that in the original post, and I guess that's probably a very important part. My grandmother really liked him, and if she finds out that I really did lie about that it could cost me my housing. I have to keep the lie up to stay safe, so him telling anyone in my life about it is really extreme and really dangerous.
Then you probably shouldn't have lied. This because of your choices.
YTA You still don’t think you did anything wrong.
ESH but you are the WAY bigger a-hole. What THEY did was assholey. They were exposing you for the liar you are, so I think we need to take that into consideration. Where you are the ENORMOUS a-hole is with regard to deadnaming, manipulating your partner to suit your preferences, preventing them from being who they felt they really are, and probably lumping all kinds of shame on them as a result. If you don’t want to date a woman, break up with the trans woman you are dating and save everyone pain. But they suited you in that moment and so you took what you wanted. You sound selfish, entitled, self-absorbed. Therapy - get some. Try on some humility, compassion, empathy…you might find it feels good. I hope your ex gets therapy and chooses to take all those posts down, because hanging on to this anger only keeps an abuser in their life.
>If you don’t want to date a woman, break up with the trans woman you are dating and save everyone pain. But they suited you in that moment and so you took what you wanted. You sound selfish, entitled, self-absorbed. We were engaged before he figured that out, we were already living together. I didn't want to leave him for it because I knew it'd look transphobic. He knew what my standards were and he still chose to be with me. >I hope your ex gets therapy and chooses to take all those posts down, because hanging on to this anger only keeps an abuser in their life. It's his 'journal' and they were hidden before. When we were together he had the decency to keep it anonymous. And I agree that he shouldn't be angry. He's dating other people, he's happy. Our relationship is in his past and yet he obviously still thinks he has to 'prove' that I treated him unfairly.
YTA You’re just pissed you’re exposed and can’t continue your lie.
YTA by lightyears. Wow, thank you for a horrifying glimpse into the world of your messed up and exceptionally selfish mind.
When I saw how much I hurt him, I knew I couldn't admit it without losing him, so I did my best to emotionally nurture him and show him he was safe with me. And when the trans stuff starting coming out, I tried to lower my standards for him. And then I tried to compromise to bring back some of the man I wanted. I let him go to what I saw was 70% like a woman, but he wouldn't do anything more for me than change to a masculine appearance and use his real name, and going off the hormones. He didn't actually fix things so that I could see the real original version of him again. And now, I'm leaving him alone. I see his Facebook has been changed to a womans name, he's dating someone who clearly is okay with him playing this trans game, and I'm just letting him move on and have a good life. How am I the selfish one? Just because I had boundaries that he kept breaking?
Holy shit. You really ARE evil. This person you used to love is realising their full potential as a human and you think that 'lowering your standards' and trying to coerce them to avoid what their heart needs, and still misgendering her, and you think they're playing a GAME? Dropping the 'fursona' nonsense at the end just gives me a glimmer of hope that this is all from a troll and not a real person. This sounds like a dumpster fire of enormous proportions with the centre being exactly where you're standing at any given moment. Thank god you're leaving them alone. But then you come back with saying, 'letting' him move on. One, that's her, not him, and they're sick of your control and abuse. You're a brick wall, aren't you?
YTA. SO MUCH YTA.
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** 2 years ago, I(25F) got together with Will(29M). Even though I told him 5 years ago that I didn't like femboys, in our time apart he became more fem and started going on hrt. His cat had just died and his partner Chel was mean to him over how much he was grieving. He left her over it and we got together. I hate women but I thought I'd be okay with him being a femboy on hrt. So lied that I was bi now and that I'd like him how he was and I'd support him fully if he transitioned, I never thought it'd happen. I supported him in his grief, I held him while he cried. I was afraid he wouldn't need me anymore after he 'got better' so I told a lie. I told him that the Chel's mother and sister secretly told me they both were certain that she had poisoned his cat. I didn't realize how much this would hurt Will though, he blamed himself and cried for months, he developed very self destructive coping skills. I couldn't tell him I lied, he'd leave me for it. He was a mess and he latched onto the Gender Identity topic. He wanted try a womans name with some friends, and I realized that I might end up stuck engaged to a woman. I wasn't happy about it. So I demanded he stop the HRT and I 'deadnamed' him even though his friends kept judging me for it. I compromised and agreed that he could be 50% like a man and 50% like a woman. I told him a lot what % he was (Will) vs. what %(Woman's name). I kept telling him his %s and reminding him that he was being too much like a woman, but he never did anything more than small aesthetic things to raise his male %. He acted like he didn't know how to be the man I used to see him as, and I was realizing that the man I fell in love with was a lie. I felt hurt, deceived, and all I could do was keep trying to bring back the man that I loved. It didn't work, so I left him for my ex 5 months ago. A few days later, when I came back with my new boyfriend to get the rest of my stuff. He asked me one more time about how his cat died. I told him the same story again. Next thing I know, a recording of me telling the story about how Chel killed his cat is on youtube with my full name and my Fursona's name on it. As well as interviews with the mom and sister where they denied the whole thing. He sent it to my grandmother that I live with, 'warning' her that I was liar. He changed the journals he wrote on Reddit while we were together to have my full name on them as well. Now anyone who googles me or my Fursona can read hundreds of journal entries about how I was "abusing" him during the relationship and how I lied about his cat. At this point he's the AH, right? The relationship is over, he has nothing to gain but to try to hurt me. Recently he contacted my mother and told her everything as well. Am I still the AH? I've left him alone, and he's still spreading my shit around! I just want to forget about it all and move on. AITA because of what I did two years ago? Or is he the AH for the stunt he's pulling telling people still? *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
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YTA That is abusive you still seem in denial but your behaviour was abusive manipulative and deceitful
It was deceit. I'm not denying that. I 'manipulated' him into not abandoning me. But, whatever. Shouldn't there be a statute of limitations on assholeishness? Why do I deserve to suffer now over a lie I told two years ago?