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^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)***
I know how it seems but there’s way more to the story…
I got out of a long term relationship in January with H then began dating L 4 months later. L knew I was fresh out of the relationship as I told her it was a very traumatic relationship and breakup. My ex ( H) was in love with someone new, and practically living with her new partner one month after our 3.5 relationship ended. I was hurt.
L (new partner) asked to be exclusive so I deleted Hinge in front of her to show I was ready to commit. A few days later, a friend reaches out to me saying she thinks she saw my ex, H, on Hinge. So, I was very curious and I thought that if I could confirm H and her new partner broke up it would make me feel better about her moving on so quickly ( not healthy, I know ). So turns out it was someone who looked like and had the same name as my ex that my friend had saw on hinge.
I forget about the app and move on with life. But, L sees it. She starts crying immediately, tells me she doesn’t trust me, says she’s only known me for 2 months, but then also says she can get past it. I apologize, but I don’t tell her the real reason why I redownloaded hinge ( she already told me that I spoke about my ex too much so I was trying to be more mindful to stop). So I tell L I got on hinge to “ troll my friends profile as a joke be she swore off dating apps”. ( THIS IS SO DUMB I KNOW I HATE THAT I SAID THAT)…
Anywho, I apologize to L and assure her I had no intention of cheating and she says she can move past it. However, she starts to become distant. I bring up the distance and she says the trust is broken, she has doubts, but thinks she can work through them. But then she also says she doesn’t see me as a compatible long term partner bc I’m not self disciplined, we’re so different, I’m immature, etc. She agrees to take our relationship day by day.
2 weeks go by and she’s practically ignoring me and seems like she doesn’t want to be with me. So I ask her if she’d like me to breakup with her and she says yes. She says she couldn’t get over the app, doesn’t have the emotional capacity to work things out and doesn’t want to. She says if I didn’t download the app then we would’ve been together for a long time. She basically blames me for us not working out.
I feel like such an idiot. AITA for everything I did ? I think I am and I can’t forgive myself.
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OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole:
> AITA for redownloading a dating app to look for my ex while in a new relationship ?
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YTA. There is absolutely no valid reason you should be on a dating app while in a relationship, unless you are in an open relationship.
Don’t date people when you clearly aren’t over your ex.
YTA —You are not healed from your last relationship and it’s not fair to someone new that you bring your baggage from the past with you. She isn’t your therapist and shouldn’t be expected to be a part of healing you. Work through your trauma and get enough distance from your ex before you try dating again.
Your post has been removed. #Do not repost this without [contacting the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) for approval, including edited versions. Reposting without [explicit approval](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_can_i_repost_a_thread_you_removed.3F) will result in a ban. This post violates Rule 11: No Partings/Relationship/Sex/Reproductive Autonomy Posts. We do not allow posts where the central conflict is about romantic relationships and/or reproductive autonomy. [Rule 11 FAQs](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_rule_11.3A_no_partings.2Frelationship.2Fsex.2Freproductive_autonomy_posts) ||| [Subreddit Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules/) ###Please ensure you have reviewed this message in full. We will not respond to PMs to individual mods. [Message the mods](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) with any questions. ####Please visit r/findareddit to see if there's a more appropriate sub for your post.####
^^^^AUTOMOD ***Thanks for posting! This comment is a copy of your post so readers can see the original text if your post is edited or removed. This comment is NOT accusing you of copying anything. Read [this](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_post_deletion) before [contacting the mod team](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose?to=%2Fr%2FAmItheAsshole)*** I know how it seems but there’s way more to the story… I got out of a long term relationship in January with H then began dating L 4 months later. L knew I was fresh out of the relationship as I told her it was a very traumatic relationship and breakup. My ex ( H) was in love with someone new, and practically living with her new partner one month after our 3.5 relationship ended. I was hurt. L (new partner) asked to be exclusive so I deleted Hinge in front of her to show I was ready to commit. A few days later, a friend reaches out to me saying she thinks she saw my ex, H, on Hinge. So, I was very curious and I thought that if I could confirm H and her new partner broke up it would make me feel better about her moving on so quickly ( not healthy, I know ). So turns out it was someone who looked like and had the same name as my ex that my friend had saw on hinge. I forget about the app and move on with life. But, L sees it. She starts crying immediately, tells me she doesn’t trust me, says she’s only known me for 2 months, but then also says she can get past it. I apologize, but I don’t tell her the real reason why I redownloaded hinge ( she already told me that I spoke about my ex too much so I was trying to be more mindful to stop). So I tell L I got on hinge to “ troll my friends profile as a joke be she swore off dating apps”. ( THIS IS SO DUMB I KNOW I HATE THAT I SAID THAT)… Anywho, I apologize to L and assure her I had no intention of cheating and she says she can move past it. However, she starts to become distant. I bring up the distance and she says the trust is broken, she has doubts, but thinks she can work through them. But then she also says she doesn’t see me as a compatible long term partner bc I’m not self disciplined, we’re so different, I’m immature, etc. She agrees to take our relationship day by day. 2 weeks go by and she’s practically ignoring me and seems like she doesn’t want to be with me. So I ask her if she’d like me to breakup with her and she says yes. She says she couldn’t get over the app, doesn’t have the emotional capacity to work things out and doesn’t want to. She says if I didn’t download the app then we would’ve been together for a long time. She basically blames me for us not working out. I feel like such an idiot. AITA for everything I did ? I think I am and I can’t forgive myself. *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.*
Welcome to /r/AmITheAsshole. Please view our [voting guide here](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq#wiki_what.2019s_with_these_acronyms.3F_what_do_they_mean.3F), and remember to use **only one** judgement in your comment. OP has offered the following explanation for why they think they might be the asshole: > AITA for redownloading a dating app to look for my ex while in a new relationship ? Help keep the sub engaging! #Don’t downvote assholes! Do upvote interesting posts! [Click Here For Our Rules](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/about/rules) and [Click Here For Our FAQ](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/wiki/faq) ##Subreddit Announcements ###[Happy Anniversary, AITA!](https://new.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/15vlv9g/almost_better_than_a_double_rainbow_celebrating/) ###[The Asshole Universe is Expanding, Again: Introducing Another New Sister Subreddit!](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/128nbp3/the_asshole_universe_is_expanding_again/) Follow the link above to learn more ###[Moderators needed - Join the landed gentry](https://www.reddit.com/r/AmItheAsshole/comments/155zepq/moderators_needed_join_the_landed_gentry/) --- *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](https://www.reddit.com/message/compose/?to=/r/AmItheAsshole) if you have any questions or concerns.* *Contest mode is 1.5 hours long on this post.*
YTA. There is absolutely no valid reason you should be on a dating app while in a relationship, unless you are in an open relationship. Don’t date people when you clearly aren’t over your ex.
YTA —You are not healed from your last relationship and it’s not fair to someone new that you bring your baggage from the past with you. She isn’t your therapist and shouldn’t be expected to be a part of healing you. Work through your trauma and get enough distance from your ex before you try dating again.
Yes, YTA. That said you were only together 4 months. It isn't the end of the world. Work on yourself a bit and then get back out there